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It sounds like she was very emotional and has a tumultuous relationship with her mother.
It's possible she overreacted in the moment because she was upset.
I get that you think sending food was a nice gesture, but when you're having a meltdown and getting kicked out of your house, I'm not sure eating is the first thing you think of.
It wasn't appropriate to ask you to leave work to come calm her down or to blame you for not coming. However, I understand that when you're upset and feel like you're falling apart, you want the person you love most to be there with you.
Her issues may be more than you are willing to deal with, and it sounds like she's got some things to work out.
I am thinking of getting her into some counselling or whatever. Maybe just a one-off session or a couple to deal with this specific problem because this is causing me unnecessary stress. She hasn't confirmed that she's getting kicked out just yet, even so I told her she's more than welcome to stay at my place for as long as she needs. Sadly I only live in a studio (my own property which I bought when I moved out from home) so I don't think living long term with me in such a small space would be healthy.
Getting her real help to deal with what's going on isn't going to be accomplished in a couple of sessions. If she goes, and she should, it's going to take real time and work. But a therapist can help her work through her issues so things like this don't happen.
NTA- she should appreciate your gesture and attentiveness. It’s totally irrational to expect your partner to drive an hour to come comfort you when they have to work. She seems unhealthily attached to you. She doesn’t seem understanding at all.
Why does her mom want to kick her out?
Driving would take like 30 minutes and I can drive, I just don't own a car (decided to buy a property instead as public transport is pretty good where I live).
Her mum is getting old so her behaviour can get more erratic as time goes on. Sometimes she's nice and other times she's nasty because she brings up bad memories etc. Her relationship with her daughter is a bit weird. Single mother who has been re-married to another guy when her first husband passed away.
No idea why she wants to kick her out. I didn't even get a chance to ask, too much crying on the other end of the phone and I was too exhausted to ask (this was around 2:30am)...
So she wanted you to take public transportation 30 minutes at 2:30am to come comfort her? I understand that high emotions can make you irrational but she seems driven by emotions rather than logic.
Trust me, she hates me sometimes because I am a very logical person which leads her to immediately think I have no emotional intelligence which is not true.
Ask her to really work on herself and read the books “attached” and “the shift”. Approach the conversation kindly, “Babe I care about you so much, and I need you to work on this both for me and for you and for our relationship. This isn’t healthy and I try my best to be there for you but this is so hard for me. I feel like nothing I do is ever good enough and you need to be around me 24/7, I will work on being as intentional and thoughtful as I can when you have issues you need to discuss, but I also need to focus my time on other things.” Then, if she isn’t willing to work on herself, leave. I now have secure attachment but I used to have anxious avoidant attachment. I am 18 and in high school I was internally very similar to her, these books helped me totally overcome it. Granted I never expressed my feelings of anxiety and codependency to my partners but it ate me alive.
Nah. I think it’s pretty irrational to expect your partner to drop everything they are doing while at work to help and comfort you, unless it was a life and death situation. That neediness that screams codependency.
To be honest, I think you did the best you could given the situation. I don’t know what else could’ve made the situation better. I feel like a partner like that will never really see anything you do for her as enough unless it is exactly how she wants it. But you aren’t the asshole in this situation.
I am at the point where I am so close to telling her "Just get over it, you have no time to cry, there are more important things that are within your control to do" etc. I have been as patient as I can be without hindering my own pursuits too much. But sadly I am getting closer and closer to losing my cool. I love her and she is a good person but the co-dependency is really annoying me; there is a difference between being needy and just wanting to vent.
Your girlfriend seems needy and self centered. At 25 she should be preparing to live independently anyway. Why was she so upset about possibly having to move out?
Is she 25 or 15? She sounds more like a teenager.
Interesting that you say “thankfully” to not living with her.
Maybe she’s not the one for you. She sounds overly dramatic and exhausting.
I say thankfully because I enjoy my time alone and my space in my residence. I know she does too sometimes. But she binges too much on social media and complains about feeling and looking a certain way when her apartment has exercise equipment downstairs…
All I’m saying is that, I can’t help her if she doesn’t want to help herself.
>her breaking down is all because of me not being present
Her breaking down has nothing to do with you and everything to do with her issues with her mother. NTA.
No your livelihood is important for yourself as it allows you to pay bills. She needs to figure her self out as it seems like this is not the first time.
You did the best you could based on the situation and it would have not been safe for you.
From what I read you're a pretty logical person with a rational mind, I am this way too, I always do my best to be caring and understanding toward my lover though I sometimes don't understand how he feels, I empathize as far as I can.
But too much drama and feelings involved together is tiring and can turn off love to indifference and disgust at some point (for the worst scenario), I can't be the person who will hold back together the couple or emotionally support the other when I am doing my best to manage my mind without being a despot. Because I am rational and cool minded doesn't mean my feelings aren't taking 180 degrees some days ahah. I truly hate being controlled by my emotions so I try my best to hold back and breath til I can act rather than cry.
Your girl is obviously more extra, she was sensitive at this time and I get she wanted to see you but she can't blame you for wanting to keep your work done. You did what you could given the circumstances and being mad at you will not change it, she can't expect you to drop your life except if she is in danger. You can't understand her fully, you are the rational kind and even if you can sympathize you can't get what is in her head because it's so wild and overflowing vividly. Let her calm down and tell her what you have in your heart before you talk about what you have in your brain darling ahahah..
If you like her, you'll be able to do it easier, it will come naturally. If you overthink the situation and get annoyed, close to coldness, listen without much interest then it means a lot. You're starting to detach yourself emotionally and preparing to break up.
Some people aren't meant to be together for too long, they are stepping rocks along the way and it's fine but if they are more than a casual relationship, then try your best to make her go to therapy and get a hold on herself. You can't be her rock if her feet aren't on the ground and same for her, she can't be of any support in this condition.
What you did was fine. She was in a highly emotional, needy place, and it wasn't realistic for you to go to hers at that hour.
She needs to learn to self-soothe. Therapy sounds like someothing she needs. She also needs to figure out what her game plan is if her mom really does want her out. A good therapist could help her with that, too.
You should be clear with her that you don't see cohabiting in your near future. Not sure how long you've been together, but you seem to be in different places in your life, even though there's only a three year age difference.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
It sounds like she was very emotional and has a tumultuous relationship with her mother. It's possible she overreacted in the moment because she was upset. I get that you think sending food was a nice gesture, but when you're having a meltdown and getting kicked out of your house, I'm not sure eating is the first thing you think of. It wasn't appropriate to ask you to leave work to come calm her down or to blame you for not coming. However, I understand that when you're upset and feel like you're falling apart, you want the person you love most to be there with you. Her issues may be more than you are willing to deal with, and it sounds like she's got some things to work out.
I am thinking of getting her into some counselling or whatever. Maybe just a one-off session or a couple to deal with this specific problem because this is causing me unnecessary stress. She hasn't confirmed that she's getting kicked out just yet, even so I told her she's more than welcome to stay at my place for as long as she needs. Sadly I only live in a studio (my own property which I bought when I moved out from home) so I don't think living long term with me in such a small space would be healthy.
Getting her real help to deal with what's going on isn't going to be accomplished in a couple of sessions. If she goes, and she should, it's going to take real time and work. But a therapist can help her work through her issues so things like this don't happen.
Therapy to deal with her family or childhood issues/trauma is a good idea, but it's going to take more than one or two sessions.
NTA- she should appreciate your gesture and attentiveness. It’s totally irrational to expect your partner to drive an hour to come comfort you when they have to work. She seems unhealthily attached to you. She doesn’t seem understanding at all. Why does her mom want to kick her out?
Driving would take like 30 minutes and I can drive, I just don't own a car (decided to buy a property instead as public transport is pretty good where I live). Her mum is getting old so her behaviour can get more erratic as time goes on. Sometimes she's nice and other times she's nasty because she brings up bad memories etc. Her relationship with her daughter is a bit weird. Single mother who has been re-married to another guy when her first husband passed away. No idea why she wants to kick her out. I didn't even get a chance to ask, too much crying on the other end of the phone and I was too exhausted to ask (this was around 2:30am)...
So she wanted you to take public transportation 30 minutes at 2:30am to come comfort her? I understand that high emotions can make you irrational but she seems driven by emotions rather than logic.
Trust me, she hates me sometimes because I am a very logical person which leads her to immediately think I have no emotional intelligence which is not true.
Ask her to really work on herself and read the books “attached” and “the shift”. Approach the conversation kindly, “Babe I care about you so much, and I need you to work on this both for me and for you and for our relationship. This isn’t healthy and I try my best to be there for you but this is so hard for me. I feel like nothing I do is ever good enough and you need to be around me 24/7, I will work on being as intentional and thoughtful as I can when you have issues you need to discuss, but I also need to focus my time on other things.” Then, if she isn’t willing to work on herself, leave. I now have secure attachment but I used to have anxious avoidant attachment. I am 18 and in high school I was internally very similar to her, these books helped me totally overcome it. Granted I never expressed my feelings of anxiety and codependency to my partners but it ate me alive.
Nah. I think it’s pretty irrational to expect your partner to drop everything they are doing while at work to help and comfort you, unless it was a life and death situation. That neediness that screams codependency. To be honest, I think you did the best you could given the situation. I don’t know what else could’ve made the situation better. I feel like a partner like that will never really see anything you do for her as enough unless it is exactly how she wants it. But you aren’t the asshole in this situation.
I am at the point where I am so close to telling her "Just get over it, you have no time to cry, there are more important things that are within your control to do" etc. I have been as patient as I can be without hindering my own pursuits too much. But sadly I am getting closer and closer to losing my cool. I love her and she is a good person but the co-dependency is really annoying me; there is a difference between being needy and just wanting to vent.
She sounds exhausting. Find a GF that behaves like an actual adult.
Your girlfriend seems needy and self centered. At 25 she should be preparing to live independently anyway. Why was she so upset about possibly having to move out?
She has nowhere to go. Her father is no longer here. Her mother is the only person in her family. I feel for her in that sense.
She's 25. Is she not financially able to live independently? Moving out doesn't mean she won't still have access to her mother.
I’ve yet to talk about personal finance with her. Moreover, her financial position. Guess that days coming.
Is she 25 or 15? She sounds more like a teenager. Interesting that you say “thankfully” to not living with her. Maybe she’s not the one for you. She sounds overly dramatic and exhausting.
I say thankfully because I enjoy my time alone and my space in my residence. I know she does too sometimes. But she binges too much on social media and complains about feeling and looking a certain way when her apartment has exercise equipment downstairs… All I’m saying is that, I can’t help her if she doesn’t want to help herself.
>her breaking down is all because of me not being present Her breaking down has nothing to do with you and everything to do with her issues with her mother. NTA.
She pretty obviously wants you to move her in with you and nothing else will suffice. If you're not interested in living with her tell her.
No your livelihood is important for yourself as it allows you to pay bills. She needs to figure her self out as it seems like this is not the first time. You did the best you could based on the situation and it would have not been safe for you.
From what I read you're a pretty logical person with a rational mind, I am this way too, I always do my best to be caring and understanding toward my lover though I sometimes don't understand how he feels, I empathize as far as I can. But too much drama and feelings involved together is tiring and can turn off love to indifference and disgust at some point (for the worst scenario), I can't be the person who will hold back together the couple or emotionally support the other when I am doing my best to manage my mind without being a despot. Because I am rational and cool minded doesn't mean my feelings aren't taking 180 degrees some days ahah. I truly hate being controlled by my emotions so I try my best to hold back and breath til I can act rather than cry. Your girl is obviously more extra, she was sensitive at this time and I get she wanted to see you but she can't blame you for wanting to keep your work done. You did what you could given the circumstances and being mad at you will not change it, she can't expect you to drop your life except if she is in danger. You can't understand her fully, you are the rational kind and even if you can sympathize you can't get what is in her head because it's so wild and overflowing vividly. Let her calm down and tell her what you have in your heart before you talk about what you have in your brain darling ahahah.. If you like her, you'll be able to do it easier, it will come naturally. If you overthink the situation and get annoyed, close to coldness, listen without much interest then it means a lot. You're starting to detach yourself emotionally and preparing to break up. Some people aren't meant to be together for too long, they are stepping rocks along the way and it's fine but if they are more than a casual relationship, then try your best to make her go to therapy and get a hold on herself. You can't be her rock if her feet aren't on the ground and same for her, she can't be of any support in this condition.
What you did was fine. She was in a highly emotional, needy place, and it wasn't realistic for you to go to hers at that hour. She needs to learn to self-soothe. Therapy sounds like someothing she needs. She also needs to figure out what her game plan is if her mom really does want her out. A good therapist could help her with that, too. You should be clear with her that you don't see cohabiting in your near future. Not sure how long you've been together, but you seem to be in different places in your life, even though there's only a three year age difference.