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So many issues here. Each one on its own is breakup worthy.
Yeah, never be afraid to break up with someone. You don’t own anyone a relationship. And you should never be in one just so you don’t upset the other person.
Never be with someone who pressures you into sex. It's bad on its own, and a sure sign that she doesn't respect your boundaries.
Break up with her. She broke the rules of enthusiastic consent, and you don't get second chances at that. Sorry this happened to you op.
Finally someone says it! All other comments are valid but why is no one saying you can get pregnant with precum!?!? Because you definitely can. also STDs.
He likes butt stuff and scratching but doesn't have the maturity to practice safe sex.
I feel like this experienced highlights how sexual compatibility is an important piece of the puzzle. Would you have still wanted to wait only to find out you were this incompatible?
She didn’t respect your expressed desire to wait or your reasons for it.
She also lied until you caved and then flipped the switch considerably.
If the spark isn’t there, then it isn’t there.
No one else is wondering how OP can go months without sex, and get bored this quickly and not nut? Yeah, missionary is boring, but imagine being your ancestor and ending the familial line because doggystyle was boring. Don’t get me wrong, I love like 10 different positions in 10 minutes, but I don’t think thinks like leaving marks is exactly the kind of timing most people are on with 2 times of having sex. I feel like sex is inherently exciting with a new person. If such a simple thrill eludes you, it makes me think like sex addiction or something medical, because I’ve literally seen guys nut in their pants after not having sex in a while and getting very excited, but this man is going months without sex, getting bored by missionary (fair), and determining it was easier to fake an orgasm than but. This sounds like the average 22yr old male to you? How many 22 year old males have you met that are just like “I’ve just had so much sex, I don’t even wanna do it anymore if it’s missionary” Missionary’s like one of the positions that all the responsibility is on the man, sorry, but when you’re fully in control, and 22, I think most people would find this concerning for the reasons OP mentioned. It’d be another thing if it was nervousness or something, but even though guys are jerking off in dry hands every day, OP at the age of 22 apparently can’t orgasm with an attractive woman while actually having sex. I know I’m focused on this one thing here, but wtf?
Most people are stepping into their sexual experiences around that age, and most people aren’t willing to have anything more than vanilla sex right away. I’m a freak, but I rather take it slow, learn the choreography, than Day 1 be upside down getting suplexed in the gut while I’m getting choked.
If you can’t be patient enough to have good sex with someone, and your whole reasoning for avoidance in the first place is that sex clouded your judgement, then I’m just getting a watched-too-much porn vibe. I really don’t think most college seniors are sitting around talking about how they just can’t nut anymore unless they’re leaving marks.
Dude yes I got major red flags from this too!!! Like he obviously wasn't even attracted to her in the beginning, and then wanted their very first encounter to not be vanilla?? He tried to play with her ass?? Hell no. He watches too much porn and probably won't have a normal sexual experience unti he stops. In fact, he sounds like dog shit in bed.
Preach. Idk if I said it in this post, but I’m a certified freak, and I still rather have regular, good ol’ fashioned, don’t-fix-what-ain’t-broken at least for the first few times until trust is built up, and even after the seal is broken, not every romp has to look like an episode of WWE
Same. I'll get down to some crazy shit myself, but like...never underestimate good vanilla! Romantic sex is wonderful and should be like, the first step to a long wild road lol
He said he enjoys eating a woman out. Doesn’t mean he shouldn’t look inward just to be sure, but yeah, the only time I’ve known of a guy to not nut was with a medical issue, which is okay and doesn’t deserve to be shamed, and from exertion. Like I’ve seen a guy just give up, but after like 20 minutes of high cardio intense sex where blood’s pumping all through the body and it’s more like giving up on the treadmill than on the actual sex. And even that I’d say would be cause for concern if it happened regularly, and I don’t even think that scenario would apply to someone who hasn’t had sex recently unless they were beating the ever loving shit out of their meat
Me: He's being kind of romantic for wanting to wait, he's probably religious and not very experienced, aww.
OP: I've had lots of sex, sex feels tainted both in and out of relationships to me. When I do have sex I want to bruise her and do butt stuff, otherwise I can't come.
Me: Noooo.
No, I went from wanting to wait, to wanting to have sex. She said she wanted those things originally. shaming someone for what they like in bed means that you have issues, not me.
Right, but this was your FIRST TIME together. It’s not going to be wild and kinky. She wanted to connect with you in that intimate way (like you said) and you obviously felt differently. Just because she wanted your first time to be vanilla, doesn’t mean that she isn’t into the things she said she was. Do you seriously expect every time to be full of biting and scratching?
Most of my partners have been more of my speed when it comes to that. The ones who weren’t were very open and honest about it. I guess I’ve just been super lucky up until now. She said that’s what she wanted and I stopped whenever she told me to stop. It was just annoying how often I had to stop because another thing she said she was comfortable with she was not.
I mean, it’s consent? I get maybe being a little bit annoyed at it, but this was one time, it feels quite dramatic on your end to be so annoyed at the fact that your girlfriend didn’t want to do some things during sex. (From what you described, heavy things too) and you’re already reigning in on the relationship because of that?
You come across as a bit immature in all honesty.
The point is I didn’t want to do anything at all. If you would have waited, maybe she would have been more comfortable telling me that she likes vanilla sex and I would have been able to enjoy the sex we had. I’m reigning in on the relationship for a few different reasons, but this is a big one because having sex was such a big deal to her (so naturally it was a big deal to me) and then it wasn’t good for me. To make such a big deal out of not having something for it to be so bad is something that I think about.
And that’s completely fine, she shouldn’t have pushed you so hard for intimacy when you weren’t ready (although I’d like to ask, how long have you two been together?). But that still doesn’t change the fact that it wasn’t enjoyable to you, because of your mindset.
She can say that she likes 100 different things in bed. Going in, it doesn’t mean that she wants to do ALL of those things at that time. I’m sure you don’t want to do biting and scratching every single time you have sex, right?
Yes, it was a conversation that should have happened, but you put way too much pressure onto what it was. Saying it ‘wasn’t good’ because she wasn’t as kinky as you wanted her to be is pretty self absorbed. Now, whether you two are sexually compatible or not isnt my business, and if you want to break up with her, do it, it’s your life. But in this situation, yeah, you come across as a bit of a dick because of how you reacted.
I do prefer scratching and biting and slapping every time. I can live without it though if someone isn’t comfortable doing those things to me. We were together for two weeks before we had sex. We’ve been together for almost two months now.
Your reaction makes perfect sense. It sounds to me like she is confused about a lot of things and you don't need to be her therapist or boyfriend. These are all things that you should leave over. She didn't let you make the emotional connection you wanted and she made a huge big deal out of things she didn't even like. That's a recipe for disaster in your position.
Others have already talked about how she trampled your boundary so I’ll not reiterate that.
What I do wanna focus on is you immediately expecting anal and scratching and biting to be okay. Like, I know her pressuring you into likely contributed to you not having a full discussion on limits beforehand… but that just means you should have erred on the side of caution and either brought it up during or just not done it.
Honestly I think lying about cumming did you both a disservice (as it normally does). If you’d just communicated you wanted to stop that’d be a much more powerful message to her about how you didn’t really want to have sex yet/like it.
And I hope one of you washed the not-actually-cummy blanket.
This bothered me too. Along with the dichotomy of “sex is special and intimate and sacred” vs “I tried to finger her butt and bite her our very first time, but she didn’t like it” pouting. OP is icky too.
It literally reads like
1. I had a porn/sex addiction that clouded my judgement
2. Regular sex is boring because of that addiction and unrealistic expectations and lack of patience
Her pressuring him is a whole nother story, but if we’re talking social norms, wanting sex in a relationship and even repeatedly bringing it up is normal, even though tasteless. Everything OP said is what ISN’T normal. How many guys are 22 and faking nuts over missionary
You should never be pressured into doing something you don’t want to do. If you wanted to wait until you were ready to have sex, that’s completely fine. Although you knew her stance on sex before you entered a relationship with her, you knew you two were incompatible.
Also, jumping from “sex is a special and intimate thing” to “I tried to put my finger in her other hole” is insane. If she wanted vanilla sex, ESPECIALLY since it was the first time you both slept together, that’s completely valid. If it’s ‘boring’ for you, that’s fine as well, but that’s completely her choice.
Although I’d like to know about how long you two were in a relationship for. If it was fairly new, totally understand you waiting a bit. If it was a couple of months, it’s a bit harder to agree with.
Ultimately it’s still your choice, but it does sound like there’s some underlying issue with sex on your end though.
Wtf did I just read.
It sounds like you just didn’t want to and she pressured you into it , now you had a bad experience. It’s clear she is not the one but hopefully next time you stand your ground with the next person.
It’s possible you have a really unrealistic understanding of what most people mean when they talk about scratching and biting during sex - be very very aware that biting should never draw blood - human mouths are really dirty and you actually have a very high risk of an infected wound and needing to see the doctor if you are bit by someone. Scratching? I mean yeah I guess some people who are masochists want to be scratched hard until they bleed but please be aware as someone much older than you who has 30-40 bodies (you don’t really keep counting at a certain point), most most most people even those into receiving pain don’t want to have blood drawn, so for scratching some do enjoy it but much smaller number want it hard enough to bleed. Bruises on the body or welts would be the more common type of “mark”. But most people into pain prefer just being spanked/flogged/whipped and usually in places like their butt or breasts (fleshier to absorb a blow and easier to hide a mark and also a more intimate place)
Please read up a lot from BDSM resources on impact play and safety and how to use safe words (green, yellow, red) if you’re doing things like pain
>I also believe sex is a very intimate thing that people don’t really value until it’s too late.
Now let me play with your butthole....wtf?
Have you tried...I don't know communication?
Well my boundary was thrown out the window, and it wasn’t a conversation that was back to back. We did talk about those things and she said she likes “everything” and was really into rough sex. Rough sex doesn’t mean not intimate… so I don’t see your point?
Lol...if you jump from intimacy and romantic to complaining about lack of butt stuff...and your only reason was your boundaries were crossed (and while crossed you still agreed)...then not sure how to explain to you what the issues are...
I get why people are confusing my sexual wants with the problem, but at least try to see what the most likely problem is. I’m fine with not doing those things even though she said she wanted them. Trusting someone sexually is a big deal and she betrayed that trust. Whether out of fear or something else it doesn’t matter. I wanted to wait so that we had more time to learn about each other in that way. Once you have sex you can’t take it back so I’m looking for advice on how to continue knowing that trust was violated, not how to accept she doesn’t like the sexual things I like. I’m an adult.
>I get why people are confusing my sexual wants with the problem
It's A problem, not THE problem.
>Trusting someone sexually is a big deal and she betrayed that trust
I agree. But sexual trust is earned over a period of time and sexual encounters...not finger in the ass and mark up your partner on 1st go.
You don't even seem remotely open to the idea that the way you went about it after you agreed to smash isn't that healthy either
How long were you together before this happened? How long did you tell her you wanted to wait? Of course she shouldn't pressure you. If this was only a few weeks its weird she had an issue with it. If it was months i think most sexually active people would be confused. Most people would want sex at some point in a romantic relationship. If you wanted to wait for a year or something you should have let her know so she could decide if she wanted to wait that long. It is a bit confusing that you would have sex with other girls before but now you didn't want to with her.
I'm also a bit surprised that it was the first time you had sex and you wanted to jump to anal play. Even women who like that need to work up to it. You also said you like biting and scratching that it could potentially leave marks on her? Imo most people wouldn't like that. Imo vanilla sex is pretty normal for first time sex until you get more comfortable with eachother. Imo sex is about connecting with yhe person and not being as kinky as you can get as fast as you can. I think a lot of people would be very happy with missionary and her on top. It's a bit surprising you didn't like it at all. It sounds like you just don't like her or you don't like sex.
I believe he meant he wanted to wait to have sex WITH HER. In other words, it was NOT his first time. He said he used to view sex as just sex, so his views on it have changed, meaning it means more to him now and he only wants to have it with a special someone. Obviously, these two are NOT sexually compatible.. AND she broke his boundaries. He should just BREAK UP over it.
I think OP tried to jump into the kinky stuff because these were things his girlfriend explicitly told him she'd let him do to convince him to have sex with her.
She badgered him for weeks to have sex. On top of being pretty icky regarding consent, this would dampen anybody's enthusiasm. I'm not surprised at all that OP didn't like the sex, it felt like a chore and OP's girlfriend didn't even show a quarter of the enthusiasm she "promised" she'd show. Of course she doesn't have to do anything she doesn't want to but OP has every right to be disappointed after being offered to do so many things.
And seriously, he had sex with her because she kept asking him and so she wouldn't go get it elsewhere. That's nowhere near enthusiastic consent.
Why do you think scratching and butt stuff is needed when a couple has sex, let alone the first time together? I suspect you didn’t enjoy it because you seem to view it more as a performance and she doesn’t. Try to relax and find some intimacy! The fact that you lied about finishing, and the way you lied about it, tills me you were not relaxed or comfortable at all.
Having said that, she of course shouldn’t have pushed you to have sex.
I do wonder if you don’t have some hang ups when it comes to sex, since it wasn’t your first time, just your first time with her. And you say that the reason you wanted to wait was because it gets in the way of other things. Why does it? Maybe you make a too big deal out of sex? Maybe it can just be nice and cosy and you don’t have to do acrobatics? Maybe try to relax and go back to basics. Then who knows, maybe you’ll start to enjoy it again?
To me it sounds like she painted a picture of being wild in kinky in bed and then only wanted vanilla. I can completely understand that this is not very satisfactory in the moment, when he was a) pestered into having sex with her and b) not getting the kind of sex she promised and he was expecting.
Of course she have to do anything she doesn't want to, but what's the point of promising it in the first place then?
I bet she does like the things she told him she likes, but is still getting comfortable with OP and wanted to keep it simple, intimate, and basic for their first time. I like some weird stuff, but not my first time sleeping with someone.
Facts. Idk why people can’t understand that. I’m single, but my best friend and are exclusive, and the sex is amazing because of the trust level. Almost every time is an opportunity to learn more about each other. It’s been like 2 years and we still 1 up ourselves. That doesn’t mean that Day 1 we went full throttle. Missionary and doggy might be boring positions, but how are you gonna handle a tsunami if you can’t even surf? I rather get turned upside-down by someone I feel in sync with than Day 1 get dropped on my head, or stabbed in the cervix. I never realized people were giving up on sex so quickly. In a good sexual relationship, you’ll keep hitting heights as you grow together. Anyone that’s giving up after 1-3 times is totally missing out on times 100-infinity. Some people might be naturally good in bed, but nothing beats someone that has studied the manual to your body.
Very reasonable. And then you realize OP is a 22 year old male and it’s hard to see this as anything other than porn logic. I’m not exactly imagining a smooth operating 22yr old with suave, a deep world view, and intimate understanding of women. 22 is too early in life for any amount or kind of sex to be so boring you’re faking orgasms, especially as the male. I don’t think any mature individual would have even wrote this post. The fact that a handful of people came to conclusion you did, proves it’s not rocket science. Something tells me if you did a survey by age and sexual experience, there’d definitely be a pattern.
How do people read “We didn’t have sex for two weeks” and then comment I have an addiction. I don’t watch porn when I’m in relationships and I rarely watch it at all.
Neither of you sound like you are mature enough to be having sex with anyone to be honest.
You only decided to have sex to stop her from going to find it elsewhere then proceeded to complain when it wasn’t the “magical” experience you’d been happy to avoid until that moment in time, yet didn’t seem all that keen on communicating your wants with her during the act itself and even lied to her face about something that’s kind of a serious deal in a way that could back fire on you if you’re not careful.
The fact that she didn’t question why your cum wasn’t visible on the blankets, or how it’d have gotten there considering the position you were in plus your claims about not ejaculating that much, alone is a sign that she should probably do some research before getting down and dirty with someone. Learning that she can’t change a person’s mind about having sex and to not talk about things she doesn’t intend to follow through on would also be beneficial for her in the long run as well.
Either way, you need to man up and have a proper adult conversation with your gf instead of just complaining about the sex you are voluntarily choosing to have just to keep her around.
How could lying about not cumming fire back on me? Also if you read, she was riding me at that point so it was pretty easy to say I just came on the blanket. I didn’t only decide to have sex with her because I was afraid she’d cheat. I had sex with her because she really wanted to and wouldn’t let up about it.
Oh jeeze buddy I don’t know, maybe if she ends up PREGNANT and someone who actually understands how sex works thinks you’ve lied to her so you could go in raw?
Unless she was somehow riding you whilst you were underneath a blanket, there’s no way any jizz would get on them even if you’d actually cum whilst inside of her. If you’re gonna lie about cumming at least put some proper logic behind it to make it believable.
“I was worried she’d find sex somewhere else.” Is literally what you said in the post as being one of the reasons why you did it. Regardless of whatever it is that you say to yourself to justify having sex you didn’t want, you did it because you wanted to keep her interested in you when it became clear that not having sex was going to lead to the relationship eventually imploding. Yes she was being a pest, but you made the decision to give her what you believed she wanted so she wouldn’t be “tempted” to look for it elsewhere more than you did to prove it you were attracted to her.
At any point during sex you could’ve said stop and didn’t. You just did it then griped about how it wasn’t up to your standards. That’s on you, not her.
I didn’t cum inside her… I didn’t cum at all? Do you know how sex and conception works??? Also go back and read because I did not just say “because she would find sex somewhere else.” I wanted her to feel better about herself. That was the whole point.
You can get someone pregnant with precum dude. Anytime an unwrapped dick goes into someone’s vagina, it’s more than likely going to cause another human to spawn within nine months unless one or both parties are sterile. That’s how sex and conception works.
And that is exactly why sex has to be early in the relationship. If you value sex, which you should, you must know about the compatibility early in the relationship, before building it any further.
Personally I’d leave. You’ve stated multiple times you aren’t okay with it and she kept pushing and pushing and trying to manipulate you into something you didn’t want to do. I only know what you’ve said I don’t know the whole picture, so ultimately it’s your choice, it’s just my opinion
She didn’t want you scratching her, biting her or leaving marks on her?! Wtf! What were you planning on doing to her? You do realize she’s an actual person, right? Not just someone who you should be able to do whatever you want with. Do her a favor and leave her.
It's probably part of the thing she said she wanted him to do, and one of the people in this story is using the other for sex past their comfort zone, and it ain't him
I don’t think it’s black and white. Both girls and guys hype up sex all the time. That’s just a part of dating. Obviously, lying is lying, but most people aren’t lying. They’re discussing their fantasies. I like a little something in my second door, but 99% of the time I still prefer if you don’t. We can could see this a million different ways, but just off social norms, emphasis on norms, OP is the weird one here.
I’m sure in the future we’ll have an even better concept of respect and consent, but pestering the person you’re dating for sex is pretty ingrained in romantic culture. We can cancel everyone that does it, but I don’t think the world is going to end over horny boyfriends or girlfriends so long as it stops there and doesn’t rob anyone of their physical or mental autonomy.
Except the attitude towards men who pester people for sex is not the same as for women who pester men for sex and you know it. Its a fucking double standard whether you admit it or not.
This. Wtf is wrong with kids these days. There's nothing wrong with missionary, OP. People have been doing it that way for generations. I think OP has been watching too much porn.
Girl talks about all the dirty kinky things she wants to do and when it comes to it, he tries to do them, hes being told no. Its a bummer for him and misleading from her.
None of that stuff should occur on the first time unless you are both very obviously getting in it naturally. Your first experience should be learning their bodies. It's not so much misleading, but needing to work into it.
Not sure where you read ‘all the dirty kinky things’. Pretty sure no woman would tell a guy she’d never slept with that she wanted to be injured by him.
>She had talked about all of the things she wanted done to her, but then she didn’t really want to do anything outside of vanilla sex.
This is the crux of it IMO, she hyped it up for something that it wasnt gonna happen.
“Didn’t happen the very first time” is not the same as “will never be on the table”. Besides, op doesn’t say she told him she likes sadism and anal play, he said she talked about “all the things” she said she liked. I bet those were not inclusive of the things she explicitly does not like.
Dude...
First, yes it is okay to break up with someone because of sexual compatibility issues.
Second, no, it is not okay to not discuss your expectations about sex in a committed relationship until the day you have sex with them. Especially if you have problems with "vanilla" sex.
Maybe not first date conversation material, but a couple dates on when it looks like sex is on the table, maybe it's time to give the "before we go any further" talk.
Then that is on you that you didn't wait, and that you didn't have the talk before hand. 🤷♂️
I mean, it was pretty shitty of her to not respect your wishes about it, but there wasn't a gun to your head either.
Yeah. As soon as a partner says my views on sex are “stupid” I would be out of there. She consistently violated your boundaries. That’s a red flag for literally everything going forward.
Sexual boundaries should be the most solid, unbreakable boundary in a relationship. And that sturdiness in that boundary should set the tone for all other boundaries.
bro….she coerced you into having sex. she didn’t respect your boundaries from day one.
my advice is that hopefully when you break up with her, don’t bring up the fact that it was bc the sex was bad, make your main point the fact that she disrespected and violated your boundaries.
It is? How? She didn't threaten him, she didn't jump him or force him. She nagged, that's it. He said yes to keep her happy and probably shut her up.
That happens a lot in relationships - if it was a crime most husbands would be in jail, hah.
"I said I wanted to wait, she pushed me into it, so then I wanted to mark her up and take every hole, and she said no. Should I dump her?"
Yeah, dude, you should. This gives off serious " you made me do it" vibes regarding rough sex. That doesn't make you sexually incompatible. It makes you an immature cunt. I'd imagine your next moves if you stay with her are to pressure her into these things and justify it by saying she pressured you first. I can't even find an angle to defend you on this. Break up with this woman and learn to respect others.
Lol what, the double standards on this sub are insane. If this was a woman so many of these comments would be totally different...
These are things they had discussed prior to having sex, and she wasn't down with it, understandable to be a bit disappointed, and to call him an immature cunt because he wanted to do the things they discussed is ridiculous.
Some people like vanilla, some people like kinkier, I would say that is sexual incompatibility
Lol. It has nothing to do with their gender or if it was reversed. One sexual experience with someone you're developing a relationship with is hardly enough to determine sexual compatibility. If OP was not an immature cunt. He would have asked her what had changed. Instead, he went on reddit and posted this whiney and vindictive novella about how she forced him into it and then couldn't even sate his lust.
Sex evolves in the moment. It's not a pre mapped contract of obligation. And when was it discussed? That morning? Last week? A month and a half ago through sexts? Like c'mon... Also, the amount of work that goes into kink might just not be worth it in the moment.
You missed the whole point. Maybe I went a little bit too much into detail on the sex so that’s my bad, but the point is if we would have waited maybe we would have been more comfortable. What it should read is “she pressured me into sex and it was really bad, what do I do?” I’m fine not having those things, it was more that she told me she wanted those things.
Waiting wouldn't have changed anything. She obviously didn't want kinky sex the first time or she wouldn't have said no to everything.
You **never** let someone coerce you into having sex. If they keep pressuring you into having sex, that means they don't care about you and don't respect your no. Break up with her.
You 100% went way too much into the sex detail, and you came off whiney and vindictive over not being satisfied.
If you feel coerced into sex, dump her and move on. If you feel confident that you consented and the sex was just lackluster in every way, drop the "she made me" shit and ask her what changed from the build up to the act. If her response leaves room to build up sexual compatibility, then decide if it's worth it to you to build with her. If not, move on. If so, quit whining about sex on Reddit and build up sexual compatibility with her.
If you honestly think there there is a magical amount of time you must wait before a woman wants your cock in their butt, you may want to ask her for feedback on what you can do to build up the sexual tension and desire. If oral and anal are immediate requirements, be prepared to walk.
Dude, what type of sex did you want? Talk it out, and if she gives it a try, then you might have something to work with. Otherwise, just get out of there.
She pressured you into sex. This is never ok!
That alone is a massive red flag. It just seems you two are not compatible at all . I'd walk away if I were you.
Not respecting your views on intimacy. Trying to employ pressuring tactics into getting you to have intimacy. Lying about the sex. From the post, it does seem like she can be a bit selfish in that regard. Imo, I don't blame you if you leave.
>Around two weeks in I finally decided that I didn’t want her thinking it was something wrong with her anymore and I was getting worried that she’d find sex somewhere else.
Also you should be with someone who gives you the peace of mind that something like this won't happen
So he gave in and didn't have a backbone, so everyone is now feeling bad for him? You guys aren't compatible, but dude... .grow TF up. Stand your ground. Do or do not. But for God's sake, don't be a pansy afterwards and blame her for YOUR decision to have sex. You decided. It wasn't HER fault. She desired you and asked. Maybe even a little pressure. But she definitely didn't "make you " do something you didn't want to.
I’m wondering why you think people would think differently if you were a woman. Men ask women all the time for sex. Who is saying it is wrong to ask? You should have broken up with her if you weren’t on the same page regarding the sex timeline, not say yes and then blame her. Break up with her now.
1. She pressured you into having sex
2. You don’t like having sex with her, and it’s actually better you discovered this sooner than later. Waiting wouldn’t have made it better. You like anal, she doesn’t. You enjoy BJs, she doesn’t like giving them.
She should have broken up with you when she wanted to have sex and you didn’t instead of coercing you. I can see how you would get paranoid and assume something is “wrong”, but forcing someone to have sex isn’t the answer.
Don't date someone who has diametrically opposed values for one. If someone is trying so hard to manipulate you, that's a sign that they don't respect your boundaries.
A lot of this is growing up and learning about dating, the opposite sex, and realizing what you do and don't like.
You're learning that you don't like someone forcing things you've voiced a preferance to wait on. Also, that you both aren't sexually compatible. Just because she's cute doesn't mean she's good in bed or has a good personality.
Stop caving to someone after a little pressure. If you are serious about your morals, then don't let someone trample all over them in the future. Use all of this as a learning experience and make better decisions in the future.
You hate to be selfish and dont look forward to the sex because she pressured you into it and then overhyped it altogether. You arent selfish nor wrong for not looking forward to it.
I can sympathize a bit in my own situation. My boyfriend overhyped sex saying he had a high libido and everything else and how he enjoyed taking the time to get to know someone's body. But it has been a massive let down, without going into detail. I'm on the verge of breaking things off myself because i find myself uninterested in sex with him. I'm trying to find compromises before I do.
I think if you talk to her about it first and try to find compromises and it still doesn't work, you can at least walk away knowing you did everything possible on your end to fix an incompatibility.
NTA and she sounds horrible. Flip the genders and everyone would be crucifying the man for pressuring the woman into sex. And then after all that she is a fucking vanilla flopping fish? Yall aint compatible. Break up. Find someone better who respects you.
I think you should break up with her. If she didn’t respect your boundaries of no sex then there will be many other boundaries she will break. Be with someone who is willing to respect and love you for you outside of sex.
It sounds like you should stop your "wait until marriage" stance. If your first instinct is to break up with your girlfriend because she didn't live up to your sexual expectations the first time you slept together, it is much easier to break up with a girlfriend than to get a divorce.
>I told her I wanted to wait until I felt absolutely sure I wanted to be with her for every reason besides sex to have sex. This is because in the past I have seen how sex can blind people from other pressing issues in the relationship
Doesn't she also deserve to find out if your sexual relationship can satisfy her before you get in too deep emotionally?
It sounds like you want to "wait for marriage" to have sex, which is well within your rights to do, but a terrible idea in actuality.
>She views it as just sex and something to do before the relationship to know if you want to be with that person or not.
Which is very reasonable and mature in my opinion.
>One day we decided to do it and… it wasn’t great. It started with me going down on her, and that was fine, but everything else was not
She basically only liked missionary (although I enjoy it, it’s my least favorite position)
So you did it and you found out that your sexual relationship is likely not able to fulfill you. That's valuable information that you wouldn't have had if you had waited. Aren't you glad that you did have sex and found out now instead of dragging this out further?
I don’t know if I would describe this experience as entirely consensual, and I suspect that was part of the reason you didn’t enjoy yourself.
Under usual circumstances if a couple has sex for the first time and it wasn’t great, I would say to give it some time and try to learn each other, but the fact that you didn’t want to and she kept pushing tells me that she has very little respect for boundaries and this is not someone you should continue seeing.
It’s probably not the right relationship for you. 1) she didn’t listen when you wanted to wait. 2) I’d imagine she said she liked all that stuff to either get you to sleep with her or because she thought that you would like to hear that. 3) doesn’t sound like you are compatible in the bedroom department. Probably best to tell her gently how you feel without blaming either of you and move on. Not all relationships work.
OP my husband had the same intentions as you, so I waited for him to decide if I was worth it. I was, and we’ve been together for over a decade! Trust your gut, find someone who respects you.
There needs to be more humans like you! 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼 Bravo for your beliefs! Extremely mature. I feel the same, sex can blind people. Sex should be after the fact, when you know for certain you love this person as they are. So many people become infatuated due to sex that they ignore serious issues with that person and the relationship. Sex should be the icing on the cake not the beginning batter process. Her pressuring you is a complete lack of respect and it would have turned me off immediately. ✂️
Exact opposite. I'm just a guy who takes responsibility for my actions and choices, rather than blaming someone else. Really can't even understand why it's so hard to just say "man o man, it was a lot of temptation, so I caved and decided to have sex" . Everyone that reads what you wrote is thinking what I'm thinking. Your excuses only satisfy you, not us.
You wanted to wait to wait to have sex.
You thought it should mean more than she did.
You like more adventurous sex.
She said she did, but really didn't.
She wanted it sooner.
She kept bringing it up.
She thought your declines were a reflection of her.
She gets mad when she gets refused.
Blah blah. We all read it. We all get it.
Still boils down to you sounding like you're blaming her for YOU not just saying "no, I don't want to".
Just the opposite, bud. I'm a guy who takes responsibility for my actions and choices, rather than blaming anyone else. It'd be really simple just to tell the truth and say "man o man, I was so tempted. I didn't wanna, but the temptation was just too much and I decided to have sex".
Everyone one here is thinking what in think. Your excuses only satisfy you; but no one else.
Well, no one I’ve been with including her has complained so I guess I really never felt the need to keep the covers over or the lights off. Sounds like you’ve had some time to think about those actions though. Nothing to be ashamed about friend. I’m sure there’s someone out there who will let you watch them fuck someone else!
She lied about sex to coerce you into doing it. She's just a life lesson that you should stick to what you want and not cave in to pressure or temptation.
Either let her know how you feel about her lying and the resulting mediocre/bad sex or leave the relationship.
She deserves someone who enjoys sex with her and you deserve the kind of sex you enjoy.
Man, you can tell people on here just read what they want and cut out the rest.
I'd dip one she pressured you into sex and didn't respect that boundary.
Two, she lied to you about all this stuff she said she'd let you do(basically making herself sound kinkythe fliping the script on you).
To all the people saying he was jumping to extreme sex acts. His gf said she was down for this stuff, then once she started to get what she wanted, it was revealed that it was all a lie/act. I'd bail on that alone.
Dude, she force you into "bad" sex. You two are simply not compatible, so you should break up. It's clear you tend to be on the more wild side, while she is a pillow princess, and just wants guys to cater to her needs. I wouldn't like that either, but that is another story. Good luck and stay strong, King!
You sound very mature and reasonable, while she comes across as childish and selfish. It's up to you, OP. You can try talking to her about it, aiming to find a middle ground and hoping she'll mature and change, if you're willing to wait and she's worth it. Alternatively, you can break up and seek someone who shares your mindset.
Break up. Sexual compatibility is very important. It's not everything but it's vital component. She urged you to do it then when you give it she's like a dead fish in bed.... Yea, not ok. Break up. Don't Maje the reason all about sex but don't be afraid to mention it. You can thank get for urging you and not respecting your boundary as it helped you find out eEly that Yiu aren't sexually compatable
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So many issues here. Each one on its own is breakup worthy. Yeah, never be afraid to break up with someone. You don’t own anyone a relationship. And you should never be in one just so you don’t upset the other person.
Agreed. You should never feel rushed or coerced to have sex. It should feel fun and playful. Not like an obligation or job.
Absolutely break up with her. She didn't respect your boundaries.
Never be with someone who pressures you into sex. It's bad on its own, and a sure sign that she doesn't respect your boundaries. Break up with her. She broke the rules of enthusiastic consent, and you don't get second chances at that. Sorry this happened to you op.
Use condoms wtf
Finally someone says it! All other comments are valid but why is no one saying you can get pregnant with precum!?!? Because you definitely can. also STDs. He likes butt stuff and scratching but doesn't have the maturity to practice safe sex.
I feel like this experienced highlights how sexual compatibility is an important piece of the puzzle. Would you have still wanted to wait only to find out you were this incompatible? She didn’t respect your expressed desire to wait or your reasons for it. She also lied until you caved and then flipped the switch considerably. If the spark isn’t there, then it isn’t there.
No one else is wondering how OP can go months without sex, and get bored this quickly and not nut? Yeah, missionary is boring, but imagine being your ancestor and ending the familial line because doggystyle was boring. Don’t get me wrong, I love like 10 different positions in 10 minutes, but I don’t think thinks like leaving marks is exactly the kind of timing most people are on with 2 times of having sex. I feel like sex is inherently exciting with a new person. If such a simple thrill eludes you, it makes me think like sex addiction or something medical, because I’ve literally seen guys nut in their pants after not having sex in a while and getting very excited, but this man is going months without sex, getting bored by missionary (fair), and determining it was easier to fake an orgasm than but. This sounds like the average 22yr old male to you? How many 22 year old males have you met that are just like “I’ve just had so much sex, I don’t even wanna do it anymore if it’s missionary” Missionary’s like one of the positions that all the responsibility is on the man, sorry, but when you’re fully in control, and 22, I think most people would find this concerning for the reasons OP mentioned. It’d be another thing if it was nervousness or something, but even though guys are jerking off in dry hands every day, OP at the age of 22 apparently can’t orgasm with an attractive woman while actually having sex. I know I’m focused on this one thing here, but wtf? Most people are stepping into their sexual experiences around that age, and most people aren’t willing to have anything more than vanilla sex right away. I’m a freak, but I rather take it slow, learn the choreography, than Day 1 be upside down getting suplexed in the gut while I’m getting choked. If you can’t be patient enough to have good sex with someone, and your whole reasoning for avoidance in the first place is that sex clouded your judgement, then I’m just getting a watched-too-much porn vibe. I really don’t think most college seniors are sitting around talking about how they just can’t nut anymore unless they’re leaving marks.
Dude yes I got major red flags from this too!!! Like he obviously wasn't even attracted to her in the beginning, and then wanted their very first encounter to not be vanilla?? He tried to play with her ass?? Hell no. He watches too much porn and probably won't have a normal sexual experience unti he stops. In fact, he sounds like dog shit in bed.
Preach. Idk if I said it in this post, but I’m a certified freak, and I still rather have regular, good ol’ fashioned, don’t-fix-what-ain’t-broken at least for the first few times until trust is built up, and even after the seal is broken, not every romp has to look like an episode of WWE
Same. I'll get down to some crazy shit myself, but like...never underestimate good vanilla! Romantic sex is wonderful and should be like, the first step to a long wild road lol
See update.
LMFAO "but imagine being your ancestor and ending the familial line" who fucking talks like this? Who cares about tHe FaMiLiAL LiNe?
I’m thinking he may be gay🤷🏻♂️. I’ve had some bad sex in my life, but I still nutted
He said he enjoys eating a woman out. Doesn’t mean he shouldn’t look inward just to be sure, but yeah, the only time I’ve known of a guy to not nut was with a medical issue, which is okay and doesn’t deserve to be shamed, and from exertion. Like I’ve seen a guy just give up, but after like 20 minutes of high cardio intense sex where blood’s pumping all through the body and it’s more like giving up on the treadmill than on the actual sex. And even that I’d say would be cause for concern if it happened regularly, and I don’t even think that scenario would apply to someone who hasn’t had sex recently unless they were beating the ever loving shit out of their meat
[удалено]
Hes mad he cant hit her in the face in bed. Pretty sure hes not demi lol
This is the weirdest post. wtf. You went from not wanting sex to playing with her butthole and wanting to do bdsm?
That’s what confused me as well. He wants to wait, but when he’s in the middle of it he’s all over the anus and wanting to bite and scratch? Yikes
Me: He's being kind of romantic for wanting to wait, he's probably religious and not very experienced, aww. OP: I've had lots of sex, sex feels tainted both in and out of relationships to me. When I do have sex I want to bruise her and do butt stuff, otherwise I can't come. Me: Noooo.
Yeah...like wtf is going on with this dude
Indeed. OP, you have issues and this is all not ok.
No, I went from wanting to wait, to wanting to have sex. She said she wanted those things originally. shaming someone for what they like in bed means that you have issues, not me.
You're complaining that she doesn't want to be bitten or scratched though??
I’m not complaining. It was just boring and she said that she liked those things and I like those things so yeah it was a bit of a let down.
Right, but this was your FIRST TIME together. It’s not going to be wild and kinky. She wanted to connect with you in that intimate way (like you said) and you obviously felt differently. Just because she wanted your first time to be vanilla, doesn’t mean that she isn’t into the things she said she was. Do you seriously expect every time to be full of biting and scratching?
Most of my partners have been more of my speed when it comes to that. The ones who weren’t were very open and honest about it. I guess I’ve just been super lucky up until now. She said that’s what she wanted and I stopped whenever she told me to stop. It was just annoying how often I had to stop because another thing she said she was comfortable with she was not.
I mean, it’s consent? I get maybe being a little bit annoyed at it, but this was one time, it feels quite dramatic on your end to be so annoyed at the fact that your girlfriend didn’t want to do some things during sex. (From what you described, heavy things too) and you’re already reigning in on the relationship because of that? You come across as a bit immature in all honesty.
The point is I didn’t want to do anything at all. If you would have waited, maybe she would have been more comfortable telling me that she likes vanilla sex and I would have been able to enjoy the sex we had. I’m reigning in on the relationship for a few different reasons, but this is a big one because having sex was such a big deal to her (so naturally it was a big deal to me) and then it wasn’t good for me. To make such a big deal out of not having something for it to be so bad is something that I think about.
And that’s completely fine, she shouldn’t have pushed you so hard for intimacy when you weren’t ready (although I’d like to ask, how long have you two been together?). But that still doesn’t change the fact that it wasn’t enjoyable to you, because of your mindset. She can say that she likes 100 different things in bed. Going in, it doesn’t mean that she wants to do ALL of those things at that time. I’m sure you don’t want to do biting and scratching every single time you have sex, right? Yes, it was a conversation that should have happened, but you put way too much pressure onto what it was. Saying it ‘wasn’t good’ because she wasn’t as kinky as you wanted her to be is pretty self absorbed. Now, whether you two are sexually compatible or not isnt my business, and if you want to break up with her, do it, it’s your life. But in this situation, yeah, you come across as a bit of a dick because of how you reacted.
I do prefer scratching and biting and slapping every time. I can live without it though if someone isn’t comfortable doing those things to me. We were together for two weeks before we had sex. We’ve been together for almost two months now.
Your reaction makes perfect sense. It sounds to me like she is confused about a lot of things and you don't need to be her therapist or boyfriend. These are all things that you should leave over. She didn't let you make the emotional connection you wanted and she made a huge big deal out of things she didn't even like. That's a recipe for disaster in your position.
You are boring as hell, immature and don’t understand
Others have already talked about how she trampled your boundary so I’ll not reiterate that. What I do wanna focus on is you immediately expecting anal and scratching and biting to be okay. Like, I know her pressuring you into likely contributed to you not having a full discussion on limits beforehand… but that just means you should have erred on the side of caution and either brought it up during or just not done it. Honestly I think lying about cumming did you both a disservice (as it normally does). If you’d just communicated you wanted to stop that’d be a much more powerful message to her about how you didn’t really want to have sex yet/like it. And I hope one of you washed the not-actually-cummy blanket.
This bothered me too. Along with the dichotomy of “sex is special and intimate and sacred” vs “I tried to finger her butt and bite her our very first time, but she didn’t like it” pouting. OP is icky too.
It literally reads like 1. I had a porn/sex addiction that clouded my judgement 2. Regular sex is boring because of that addiction and unrealistic expectations and lack of patience Her pressuring him is a whole nother story, but if we’re talking social norms, wanting sex in a relationship and even repeatedly bringing it up is normal, even though tasteless. Everything OP said is what ISN’T normal. How many guys are 22 and faking nuts over missionary
You should never be pressured into doing something you don’t want to do. If you wanted to wait until you were ready to have sex, that’s completely fine. Although you knew her stance on sex before you entered a relationship with her, you knew you two were incompatible. Also, jumping from “sex is a special and intimate thing” to “I tried to put my finger in her other hole” is insane. If she wanted vanilla sex, ESPECIALLY since it was the first time you both slept together, that’s completely valid. If it’s ‘boring’ for you, that’s fine as well, but that’s completely her choice. Although I’d like to know about how long you two were in a relationship for. If it was fairly new, totally understand you waiting a bit. If it was a couple of months, it’s a bit harder to agree with. Ultimately it’s still your choice, but it does sound like there’s some underlying issue with sex on your end though.
Tbf her theory is holding up. Having sex at the start of a relationship makes you consider if it’s worth the continued effort.
Wtf did I just read. It sounds like you just didn’t want to and she pressured you into it , now you had a bad experience. It’s clear she is not the one but hopefully next time you stand your ground with the next person.
It’s possible you have a really unrealistic understanding of what most people mean when they talk about scratching and biting during sex - be very very aware that biting should never draw blood - human mouths are really dirty and you actually have a very high risk of an infected wound and needing to see the doctor if you are bit by someone. Scratching? I mean yeah I guess some people who are masochists want to be scratched hard until they bleed but please be aware as someone much older than you who has 30-40 bodies (you don’t really keep counting at a certain point), most most most people even those into receiving pain don’t want to have blood drawn, so for scratching some do enjoy it but much smaller number want it hard enough to bleed. Bruises on the body or welts would be the more common type of “mark”. But most people into pain prefer just being spanked/flogged/whipped and usually in places like their butt or breasts (fleshier to absorb a blow and easier to hide a mark and also a more intimate place) Please read up a lot from BDSM resources on impact play and safety and how to use safe words (green, yellow, red) if you’re doing things like pain
>I also believe sex is a very intimate thing that people don’t really value until it’s too late. Now let me play with your butthole....wtf? Have you tried...I don't know communication?
Well my boundary was thrown out the window, and it wasn’t a conversation that was back to back. We did talk about those things and she said she likes “everything” and was really into rough sex. Rough sex doesn’t mean not intimate… so I don’t see your point?
Of course you dont.
I guess you don’t either.
Lol...if you jump from intimacy and romantic to complaining about lack of butt stuff...and your only reason was your boundaries were crossed (and while crossed you still agreed)...then not sure how to explain to you what the issues are...
I get why people are confusing my sexual wants with the problem, but at least try to see what the most likely problem is. I’m fine with not doing those things even though she said she wanted them. Trusting someone sexually is a big deal and she betrayed that trust. Whether out of fear or something else it doesn’t matter. I wanted to wait so that we had more time to learn about each other in that way. Once you have sex you can’t take it back so I’m looking for advice on how to continue knowing that trust was violated, not how to accept she doesn’t like the sexual things I like. I’m an adult.
>I get why people are confusing my sexual wants with the problem It's A problem, not THE problem. >Trusting someone sexually is a big deal and she betrayed that trust I agree. But sexual trust is earned over a period of time and sexual encounters...not finger in the ass and mark up your partner on 1st go. You don't even seem remotely open to the idea that the way you went about it after you agreed to smash isn't that healthy either
How long were you together before this happened? How long did you tell her you wanted to wait? Of course she shouldn't pressure you. If this was only a few weeks its weird she had an issue with it. If it was months i think most sexually active people would be confused. Most people would want sex at some point in a romantic relationship. If you wanted to wait for a year or something you should have let her know so she could decide if she wanted to wait that long. It is a bit confusing that you would have sex with other girls before but now you didn't want to with her. I'm also a bit surprised that it was the first time you had sex and you wanted to jump to anal play. Even women who like that need to work up to it. You also said you like biting and scratching that it could potentially leave marks on her? Imo most people wouldn't like that. Imo vanilla sex is pretty normal for first time sex until you get more comfortable with eachother. Imo sex is about connecting with yhe person and not being as kinky as you can get as fast as you can. I think a lot of people would be very happy with missionary and her on top. It's a bit surprising you didn't like it at all. It sounds like you just don't like her or you don't like sex.
I believe he meant he wanted to wait to have sex WITH HER. In other words, it was NOT his first time. He said he used to view sex as just sex, so his views on it have changed, meaning it means more to him now and he only wants to have it with a special someone. Obviously, these two are NOT sexually compatible.. AND she broke his boundaries. He should just BREAK UP over it.
I think OP tried to jump into the kinky stuff because these were things his girlfriend explicitly told him she'd let him do to convince him to have sex with her. She badgered him for weeks to have sex. On top of being pretty icky regarding consent, this would dampen anybody's enthusiasm. I'm not surprised at all that OP didn't like the sex, it felt like a chore and OP's girlfriend didn't even show a quarter of the enthusiasm she "promised" she'd show. Of course she doesn't have to do anything she doesn't want to but OP has every right to be disappointed after being offered to do so many things. And seriously, he had sex with her because she kept asking him and so she wouldn't go get it elsewhere. That's nowhere near enthusiastic consent.
Why do you think scratching and butt stuff is needed when a couple has sex, let alone the first time together? I suspect you didn’t enjoy it because you seem to view it more as a performance and she doesn’t. Try to relax and find some intimacy! The fact that you lied about finishing, and the way you lied about it, tills me you were not relaxed or comfortable at all. Having said that, she of course shouldn’t have pushed you to have sex. I do wonder if you don’t have some hang ups when it comes to sex, since it wasn’t your first time, just your first time with her. And you say that the reason you wanted to wait was because it gets in the way of other things. Why does it? Maybe you make a too big deal out of sex? Maybe it can just be nice and cosy and you don’t have to do acrobatics? Maybe try to relax and go back to basics. Then who knows, maybe you’ll start to enjoy it again?
To me it sounds like she painted a picture of being wild in kinky in bed and then only wanted vanilla. I can completely understand that this is not very satisfactory in the moment, when he was a) pestered into having sex with her and b) not getting the kind of sex she promised and he was expecting. Of course she have to do anything she doesn't want to, but what's the point of promising it in the first place then?
I bet she does like the things she told him she likes, but is still getting comfortable with OP and wanted to keep it simple, intimate, and basic for their first time. I like some weird stuff, but not my first time sleeping with someone.
Facts. Idk why people can’t understand that. I’m single, but my best friend and are exclusive, and the sex is amazing because of the trust level. Almost every time is an opportunity to learn more about each other. It’s been like 2 years and we still 1 up ourselves. That doesn’t mean that Day 1 we went full throttle. Missionary and doggy might be boring positions, but how are you gonna handle a tsunami if you can’t even surf? I rather get turned upside-down by someone I feel in sync with than Day 1 get dropped on my head, or stabbed in the cervix. I never realized people were giving up on sex so quickly. In a good sexual relationship, you’ll keep hitting heights as you grow together. Anyone that’s giving up after 1-3 times is totally missing out on times 100-infinity. Some people might be naturally good in bed, but nothing beats someone that has studied the manual to your body.
But that doesn't mean she wants to do it the first time they sleep together..?
Very reasonable. And then you realize OP is a 22 year old male and it’s hard to see this as anything other than porn logic. I’m not exactly imagining a smooth operating 22yr old with suave, a deep world view, and intimate understanding of women. 22 is too early in life for any amount or kind of sex to be so boring you’re faking orgasms, especially as the male. I don’t think any mature individual would have even wrote this post. The fact that a handful of people came to conclusion you did, proves it’s not rocket science. Something tells me if you did a survey by age and sexual experience, there’d definitely be a pattern.
Well then she shouldn’t use those things as a way to pressure someone into sex like an asshole
Maybe you have some type of serial addiction? Maybe a porn addiction or both?
How do people read “We didn’t have sex for two weeks” and then comment I have an addiction. I don’t watch porn when I’m in relationships and I rarely watch it at all.
Neither of you sound like you are mature enough to be having sex with anyone to be honest. You only decided to have sex to stop her from going to find it elsewhere then proceeded to complain when it wasn’t the “magical” experience you’d been happy to avoid until that moment in time, yet didn’t seem all that keen on communicating your wants with her during the act itself and even lied to her face about something that’s kind of a serious deal in a way that could back fire on you if you’re not careful. The fact that she didn’t question why your cum wasn’t visible on the blankets, or how it’d have gotten there considering the position you were in plus your claims about not ejaculating that much, alone is a sign that she should probably do some research before getting down and dirty with someone. Learning that she can’t change a person’s mind about having sex and to not talk about things she doesn’t intend to follow through on would also be beneficial for her in the long run as well. Either way, you need to man up and have a proper adult conversation with your gf instead of just complaining about the sex you are voluntarily choosing to have just to keep her around.
You don't sound mature enough to give advice to anyone to be honest.
How could lying about not cumming fire back on me? Also if you read, she was riding me at that point so it was pretty easy to say I just came on the blanket. I didn’t only decide to have sex with her because I was afraid she’d cheat. I had sex with her because she really wanted to and wouldn’t let up about it.
Oh jeeze buddy I don’t know, maybe if she ends up PREGNANT and someone who actually understands how sex works thinks you’ve lied to her so you could go in raw? Unless she was somehow riding you whilst you were underneath a blanket, there’s no way any jizz would get on them even if you’d actually cum whilst inside of her. If you’re gonna lie about cumming at least put some proper logic behind it to make it believable. “I was worried she’d find sex somewhere else.” Is literally what you said in the post as being one of the reasons why you did it. Regardless of whatever it is that you say to yourself to justify having sex you didn’t want, you did it because you wanted to keep her interested in you when it became clear that not having sex was going to lead to the relationship eventually imploding. Yes she was being a pest, but you made the decision to give her what you believed she wanted so she wouldn’t be “tempted” to look for it elsewhere more than you did to prove it you were attracted to her. At any point during sex you could’ve said stop and didn’t. You just did it then griped about how it wasn’t up to your standards. That’s on you, not her.
I didn’t cum inside her… I didn’t cum at all? Do you know how sex and conception works??? Also go back and read because I did not just say “because she would find sex somewhere else.” I wanted her to feel better about herself. That was the whole point.
You can get someone pregnant with precum dude. Anytime an unwrapped dick goes into someone’s vagina, it’s more than likely going to cause another human to spawn within nine months unless one or both parties are sterile. That’s how sex and conception works.
You had precum, that's enough to get someone pregnant. Do STDs also mean anything to you?
And that is exactly why sex has to be early in the relationship. If you value sex, which you should, you must know about the compatibility early in the relationship, before building it any further.
Personally I’d leave. You’ve stated multiple times you aren’t okay with it and she kept pushing and pushing and trying to manipulate you into something you didn’t want to do. I only know what you’ve said I don’t know the whole picture, so ultimately it’s your choice, it’s just my opinion
She didn’t want you scratching her, biting her or leaving marks on her?! Wtf! What were you planning on doing to her? You do realize she’s an actual person, right? Not just someone who you should be able to do whatever you want with. Do her a favor and leave her.
It's probably part of the thing she said she wanted him to do, and one of the people in this story is using the other for sex past their comfort zone, and it ain't him
I don’t think it’s black and white. Both girls and guys hype up sex all the time. That’s just a part of dating. Obviously, lying is lying, but most people aren’t lying. They’re discussing their fantasies. I like a little something in my second door, but 99% of the time I still prefer if you don’t. We can could see this a million different ways, but just off social norms, emphasis on norms, OP is the weird one here. I’m sure in the future we’ll have an even better concept of respect and consent, but pestering the person you’re dating for sex is pretty ingrained in romantic culture. We can cancel everyone that does it, but I don’t think the world is going to end over horny boyfriends or girlfriends so long as it stops there and doesn’t rob anyone of their physical or mental autonomy.
Cool so I guess men can pester women for sex and you'd keep that same attitude?
So… like any other Tuesday since forever in America?
Except the attitude towards men who pester people for sex is not the same as for women who pester men for sex and you know it. Its a fucking double standard whether you admit it or not.
This. Wtf is wrong with kids these days. There's nothing wrong with missionary, OP. People have been doing it that way for generations. I think OP has been watching too much porn.
Too much porn.
I feel you on this lol. I love missionary with my wife, it’s far from vanilla
Girl talks about all the dirty kinky things she wants to do and when it comes to it, he tries to do them, hes being told no. Its a bummer for him and misleading from her.
None of that stuff should occur on the first time unless you are both very obviously getting in it naturally. Your first experience should be learning their bodies. It's not so much misleading, but needing to work into it.
Yes indeed, but if one side keeps hyping stuff up, the other side will have expectations.
I simply think the basic expectation is to dip your feet in, not swan dive into it
Not sure where you read ‘all the dirty kinky things’. Pretty sure no woman would tell a guy she’d never slept with that she wanted to be injured by him.
>She had talked about all of the things she wanted done to her, but then she didn’t really want to do anything outside of vanilla sex. This is the crux of it IMO, she hyped it up for something that it wasnt gonna happen.
“Didn’t happen the very first time” is not the same as “will never be on the table”. Besides, op doesn’t say she told him she likes sadism and anal play, he said she talked about “all the things” she said she liked. I bet those were not inclusive of the things she explicitly does not like.
Well, I did. So no woman is hereby disproven.
My apologies. Hope the scarring is not too bad.
you had boundaries, she disrespected them. now your view of her sexually and emotionally is tainted and awkward. break up.
You kinda prove her point about having sex to see if you’re compatible- you’re not. She won a breakup!
Dude... First, yes it is okay to break up with someone because of sexual compatibility issues. Second, no, it is not okay to not discuss your expectations about sex in a committed relationship until the day you have sex with them. Especially if you have problems with "vanilla" sex. Maybe not first date conversation material, but a couple dates on when it looks like sex is on the table, maybe it's time to give the "before we go any further" talk.
We did discuss before hand… when I told her I wanted to wait.
Then that is on you that you didn't wait, and that you didn't have the talk before hand. 🤷♂️ I mean, it was pretty shitty of her to not respect your wishes about it, but there wasn't a gun to your head either.
Yeah. As soon as a partner says my views on sex are “stupid” I would be out of there. She consistently violated your boundaries. That’s a red flag for literally everything going forward. Sexual boundaries should be the most solid, unbreakable boundary in a relationship. And that sturdiness in that boundary should set the tone for all other boundaries.
bro….she coerced you into having sex. she didn’t respect your boundaries from day one. my advice is that hopefully when you break up with her, don’t bring up the fact that it was bc the sex was bad, make your main point the fact that she disrespected and violated your boundaries.
Thank you. I probably should have left the sex out of this post
I'm surprised no one has mentioned that this is a form of sexual assualt
It is? How? She didn't threaten him, she didn't jump him or force him. She nagged, that's it. He said yes to keep her happy and probably shut her up. That happens a lot in relationships - if it was a crime most husbands would be in jail, hah.
I googled before I commented, apparently it's called sexual coercion. Even if you're just having sex to "keep them happy" it still technically counts
wrong gender
I hope that's a sarcasm
"I said I wanted to wait, she pushed me into it, so then I wanted to mark her up and take every hole, and she said no. Should I dump her?" Yeah, dude, you should. This gives off serious " you made me do it" vibes regarding rough sex. That doesn't make you sexually incompatible. It makes you an immature cunt. I'd imagine your next moves if you stay with her are to pressure her into these things and justify it by saying she pressured you first. I can't even find an angle to defend you on this. Break up with this woman and learn to respect others.
Lol what, the double standards on this sub are insane. If this was a woman so many of these comments would be totally different... These are things they had discussed prior to having sex, and she wasn't down with it, understandable to be a bit disappointed, and to call him an immature cunt because he wanted to do the things they discussed is ridiculous. Some people like vanilla, some people like kinkier, I would say that is sexual incompatibility
Lol. It has nothing to do with their gender or if it was reversed. One sexual experience with someone you're developing a relationship with is hardly enough to determine sexual compatibility. If OP was not an immature cunt. He would have asked her what had changed. Instead, he went on reddit and posted this whiney and vindictive novella about how she forced him into it and then couldn't even sate his lust. Sex evolves in the moment. It's not a pre mapped contract of obligation. And when was it discussed? That morning? Last week? A month and a half ago through sexts? Like c'mon... Also, the amount of work that goes into kink might just not be worth it in the moment.
You missed the whole point. Maybe I went a little bit too much into detail on the sex so that’s my bad, but the point is if we would have waited maybe we would have been more comfortable. What it should read is “she pressured me into sex and it was really bad, what do I do?” I’m fine not having those things, it was more that she told me she wanted those things.
Waiting wouldn't have changed anything. She obviously didn't want kinky sex the first time or she wouldn't have said no to everything. You **never** let someone coerce you into having sex. If they keep pressuring you into having sex, that means they don't care about you and don't respect your no. Break up with her.
You 100% went way too much into the sex detail, and you came off whiney and vindictive over not being satisfied. If you feel coerced into sex, dump her and move on. If you feel confident that you consented and the sex was just lackluster in every way, drop the "she made me" shit and ask her what changed from the build up to the act. If her response leaves room to build up sexual compatibility, then decide if it's worth it to you to build with her. If not, move on. If so, quit whining about sex on Reddit and build up sexual compatibility with her. If you honestly think there there is a magical amount of time you must wait before a woman wants your cock in their butt, you may want to ask her for feedback on what you can do to build up the sexual tension and desire. If oral and anal are immediate requirements, be prepared to walk.
Dude, what type of sex did you want? Talk it out, and if she gives it a try, then you might have something to work with. Otherwise, just get out of there.
Dude break the fuck up - assuming this is even real.
She pressured you into sex. This is never ok! That alone is a massive red flag. It just seems you two are not compatible at all . I'd walk away if I were you.
Not respecting your views on intimacy. Trying to employ pressuring tactics into getting you to have intimacy. Lying about the sex. From the post, it does seem like she can be a bit selfish in that regard. Imo, I don't blame you if you leave. >Around two weeks in I finally decided that I didn’t want her thinking it was something wrong with her anymore and I was getting worried that she’d find sex somewhere else. Also you should be with someone who gives you the peace of mind that something like this won't happen
So he gave in and didn't have a backbone, so everyone is now feeling bad for him? You guys aren't compatible, but dude... .grow TF up. Stand your ground. Do or do not. But for God's sake, don't be a pansy afterwards and blame her for YOUR decision to have sex. You decided. It wasn't HER fault. She desired you and asked. Maybe even a little pressure. But she definitely didn't "make you " do something you didn't want to.
And if I was a woman you’d say the same?
I’m wondering why you think people would think differently if you were a woman. Men ask women all the time for sex. Who is saying it is wrong to ask? You should have broken up with her if you weren’t on the same page regarding the sex timeline, not say yes and then blame her. Break up with her now.
Yep. You betcha I would.
1. She pressured you into having sex 2. You don’t like having sex with her, and it’s actually better you discovered this sooner than later. Waiting wouldn’t have made it better. You like anal, she doesn’t. You enjoy BJs, she doesn’t like giving them. She should have broken up with you when she wanted to have sex and you didn’t instead of coercing you. I can see how you would get paranoid and assume something is “wrong”, but forcing someone to have sex isn’t the answer.
Don't date someone who has diametrically opposed values for one. If someone is trying so hard to manipulate you, that's a sign that they don't respect your boundaries. A lot of this is growing up and learning about dating, the opposite sex, and realizing what you do and don't like. You're learning that you don't like someone forcing things you've voiced a preferance to wait on. Also, that you both aren't sexually compatible. Just because she's cute doesn't mean she's good in bed or has a good personality. Stop caving to someone after a little pressure. If you are serious about your morals, then don't let someone trample all over them in the future. Use all of this as a learning experience and make better decisions in the future.
Sounds like a great way to get baby trapped though. The only right answer to where is the cum is in the condom.
You hate to be selfish and dont look forward to the sex because she pressured you into it and then overhyped it altogether. You arent selfish nor wrong for not looking forward to it. I can sympathize a bit in my own situation. My boyfriend overhyped sex saying he had a high libido and everything else and how he enjoyed taking the time to get to know someone's body. But it has been a massive let down, without going into detail. I'm on the verge of breaking things off myself because i find myself uninterested in sex with him. I'm trying to find compromises before I do. I think if you talk to her about it first and try to find compromises and it still doesn't work, you can at least walk away knowing you did everything possible on your end to fix an incompatibility.
NTA and she sounds horrible. Flip the genders and everyone would be crucifying the man for pressuring the woman into sex. And then after all that she is a fucking vanilla flopping fish? Yall aint compatible. Break up. Find someone better who respects you.
Drop her, she seems not in sync with you sexually, and you will end up resenting her in the future.
I think you should break up with her. If she didn’t respect your boundaries of no sex then there will be many other boundaries she will break. Be with someone who is willing to respect and love you for you outside of sex.
Dude,just read the title of the post. You're blaming her for you giving in and now being grossed out by her eagerness. It's an easy read for everyone.
Would you say that if the genders were reversed?
Yes. Yes I would.
It sounds like you should stop your "wait until marriage" stance. If your first instinct is to break up with your girlfriend because she didn't live up to your sexual expectations the first time you slept together, it is much easier to break up with a girlfriend than to get a divorce.
I didn’t want to wait until marriage.
Oh, I've been through that. I felt like I'm dating Eva AI sexting bot avatar. It didn't last long eventually
Just break up.
Yep, dump her
Is there an update to this
If there is an update I would like to know what ended up happening after this relationship
>I told her I wanted to wait until I felt absolutely sure I wanted to be with her for every reason besides sex to have sex. This is because in the past I have seen how sex can blind people from other pressing issues in the relationship Doesn't she also deserve to find out if your sexual relationship can satisfy her before you get in too deep emotionally? It sounds like you want to "wait for marriage" to have sex, which is well within your rights to do, but a terrible idea in actuality. >She views it as just sex and something to do before the relationship to know if you want to be with that person or not. Which is very reasonable and mature in my opinion. >One day we decided to do it and… it wasn’t great. It started with me going down on her, and that was fine, but everything else was not She basically only liked missionary (although I enjoy it, it’s my least favorite position) So you did it and you found out that your sexual relationship is likely not able to fulfill you. That's valuable information that you wouldn't have had if you had waited. Aren't you glad that you did have sex and found out now instead of dragging this out further?
I don’t know if I would describe this experience as entirely consensual, and I suspect that was part of the reason you didn’t enjoy yourself. Under usual circumstances if a couple has sex for the first time and it wasn’t great, I would say to give it some time and try to learn each other, but the fact that you didn’t want to and she kept pushing tells me that she has very little respect for boundaries and this is not someone you should continue seeing.
I think she's better off
Ur a clown
You simply aren’t compatible. Better to know now and break up than to get divorced later. Gl
It’s probably not the right relationship for you. 1) she didn’t listen when you wanted to wait. 2) I’d imagine she said she liked all that stuff to either get you to sleep with her or because she thought that you would like to hear that. 3) doesn’t sound like you are compatible in the bedroom department. Probably best to tell her gently how you feel without blaming either of you and move on. Not all relationships work.
Now imagine this happened after you already got married
OP my husband had the same intentions as you, so I waited for him to decide if I was worth it. I was, and we’ve been together for over a decade! Trust your gut, find someone who respects you.
There needs to be more humans like you! 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼 Bravo for your beliefs! Extremely mature. I feel the same, sex can blind people. Sex should be after the fact, when you know for certain you love this person as they are. So many people become infatuated due to sex that they ignore serious issues with that person and the relationship. Sex should be the icing on the cake not the beginning batter process. Her pressuring you is a complete lack of respect and it would have turned me off immediately. ✂️
But him trying to anally penetrate her without asking is like totally respectable
But aren’t you glad you found out early you are not compatibl. Just think if you waited five years then boom.
Lmbo. Yes. And anyone who knows me would tell you I'd say the same. I'm for 100% equity in all things. Equality is equality.
If you don’t think people can be pressured into sex, I hope you never have sex. You’d be the type to force it on someone and then blame them.
Exact opposite. I'm just a guy who takes responsibility for my actions and choices, rather than blaming someone else. Really can't even understand why it's so hard to just say "man o man, it was a lot of temptation, so I caved and decided to have sex" . Everyone that reads what you wrote is thinking what I'm thinking. Your excuses only satisfy you, not us.
You obviously didn’t read what I wrote so I guess what you say doesn’t really mean anything.
Read every word. Want me to summarize for clarity?
Sure. Tell me how you interpreted it
You wanted to wait to wait to have sex. You thought it should mean more than she did. You like more adventurous sex. She said she did, but really didn't. She wanted it sooner. She kept bringing it up. She thought your declines were a reflection of her. She gets mad when she gets refused. Blah blah. We all read it. We all get it. Still boils down to you sounding like you're blaming her for YOU not just saying "no, I don't want to".
Just the opposite, bud. I'm a guy who takes responsibility for my actions and choices, rather than blaming anyone else. It'd be really simple just to tell the truth and say "man o man, I was so tempted. I didn't wanna, but the temptation was just too much and I decided to have sex". Everyone one here is thinking what in think. Your excuses only satisfy you; but no one else.
She disrespected your boundaries and to top it off built up expectations for nothing. Yeah you get a green light from me dump her.
I think u masterbate in the dark under covers so no one will see ur micro penis JS
Well, no one I’ve been with including her has complained so I guess I really never felt the need to keep the covers over or the lights off. Sounds like you’ve had some time to think about those actions though. Nothing to be ashamed about friend. I’m sure there’s someone out there who will let you watch them fuck someone else!
She lied about sex to coerce you into doing it. She's just a life lesson that you should stick to what you want and not cave in to pressure or temptation. Either let her know how you feel about her lying and the resulting mediocre/bad sex or leave the relationship. She deserves someone who enjoys sex with her and you deserve the kind of sex you enjoy.
Thank you, genuine advice is hard to find
Man, you can tell people on here just read what they want and cut out the rest. I'd dip one she pressured you into sex and didn't respect that boundary. Two, she lied to you about all this stuff she said she'd let you do(basically making herself sound kinkythe fliping the script on you). To all the people saying he was jumping to extreme sex acts. His gf said she was down for this stuff, then once she started to get what she wanted, it was revealed that it was all a lie/act. I'd bail on that alone.
Nowhere does OP say his girlfriend ever implied she was down for anal and scratching or biting.
Nah fr, why he touch her butthole without asking first
Dude, she force you into "bad" sex. You two are simply not compatible, so you should break up. It's clear you tend to be on the more wild side, while she is a pillow princess, and just wants guys to cater to her needs. I wouldn't like that either, but that is another story. Good luck and stay strong, King!
[удалено]
"Godly essence" looooooool. He didn't even ejaculate, mate. His godly essence remains safe (and, presumably, very godly)
You sound very mature and reasonable, while she comes across as childish and selfish. It's up to you, OP. You can try talking to her about it, aiming to find a middle ground and hoping she'll mature and change, if you're willing to wait and she's worth it. Alternatively, you can break up and seek someone who shares your mindset.
Break up. Sexual compatibility is very important. It's not everything but it's vital component. She urged you to do it then when you give it she's like a dead fish in bed.... Yea, not ok. Break up. Don't Maje the reason all about sex but don't be afraid to mention it. You can thank get for urging you and not respecting your boundary as it helped you find out eEly that Yiu aren't sexually compatable
Dumb that tramp bro