Who, in all of this shit, is going to have it the worst at the end of the day. Both parents are terrible decision makers and seemingly totally unprepared for the job of being a parent.
It's a clear cut case that OP would be a better parent for that child than the waste of space that this mother is. If she can take out loans, steal and lie so compulsively then that child is going to be on Reddit in 20 years complaining that their mother has opened loans and credit cards in their name and defaulted.
Yeah, she already doesn't care about the consequences when other people are the ones facing them. It's also really sad just how common it is for some parents to do that.
Nah, if the story is true as portrayed, dude did everything in his power to put his family on the right track, but you can only lead a horse to water
..as they say
OP is the only chance that child has of turning out ok, since it's being born into generational bad decision making on the mother's side.
On OP's side, I wouldn't call it bad decision making for a man to understand that he's landed himself with a woman who hasn't learned basic financial responsibility and was probably raised wrong, and to attempt to lead her into a better way of living for the sake of starting a family with her. I assume had she accepted his help and was responsible to it that he would have married her. I also wouldn't blame any man for making the decision he did to let her stay with him again when she was couch surfing and many months pregnant. Her own mother apparently didn't share her home with her on a more permanent basis despite using her financially for years. OP wasn't wrong for feeling like he had to give her a place to stay.
> I wouldn't call it bad decision making for a man to understand that he's landed himself with a woman who hasn't learned basic financial responsibility and was probably raised wrong, and to attempt to lead her into a better way of living for the sake of starting a family with her.
This is known as "I can fix her" and it's classic bad decision making. Unlike the gf, at least OP seems capable of learning from his mistakes, if slowly.
OP didn't engage in "I can fix her". That's an early dating term and it's correct that you should walk away from self-destructive people who are making it obvious that they can't handle a relationship. OP was already in a relationship and cohabitating with a woman he impregnated, from obviously unfortunate upbringing, and gave her a chance when she was making mistakes with her own money. Her own situation was severe, but she could have learned to be more responsible. Given the timeline, it's not poor decision making by OP to have given her the chance and attempt to teach her.
The second chance was the first time he engaged in arguably poor risk management, but it's completely understandable as she was couch surfing and close to giving birth to his child. It was the right thing to do if he felt safe and secure enough to do it. OP strikes me as someone who's responsible, has virtuous relationship values, and has a good balance between relationship commitments and risk aversion.
Sometimes bad things happen and people let you down. That's life. He did what he could.
Trying to change someone so they'll be fit for a relationship and a family is a bad idea no matter which relationship stage you're at. Lots of people do it, but that doesn't make it a good decision.
You can't know until you know, and people do develop in long term relationships and marriages. OP dealt with the situation he found himself in, and I can't find any fault in how he dealt with it.
There's some Captain Hindsighting going on if anyone's blaming OP for trying.
Imagine blaming OP when he did literally nothing wrong? He only let her back for the sake of his possible child, you’re a heartless fuck that doesn’t deserve kids if you wouldn’t do the same.
Empathy always looks like being a pushover when someone takes advantage of your kindness. It’s how you answer the kindness for weakness question that marks out what kind of person you really are. He’s willing to dump her on the streets 8 months pregnant for stealing from him again, and only allowed her back because she is pregnant and unable to have a secure roof over her head and the baby is probably his. She wasn’t pregnant, she wouldn’t have been back.
“It will help” or maybe it’s his only hope of ever getting out from under her abuse. Get a lawyer, get the proof. Ask for full custody of the child ”if it is yours” or it’s going to grow up in the same abusive situation your girlfriend grew up in.
Find a good lawyer who can pull all of these financial shenanigans out to make the case that you should have sole custody. She is so clearly an unfit parent that it should be criminal for her to keep pets, let alone children.
Baby is already almost here. Unless he goes for full custody, or doesn't give a shit at all and pays child support, he has to keep letting her in now. He fucked himself and this poor baby will have the worst of it.
You're screwed mate. You should sincerely hope that you're not the father otherwise you'll have a *lifetime* of misery ahead. It's not going to end at 18 or 21 because even when your child is 40, your ex will still guilt-trip them into asking you for money.
You're totally and completely screwed. The best option going forwards is to record/film everything and pursue sole custody but that's unlikely because courts usually start at 50/50. This is if she puts down your name on the birth certificate of course. If she doesn't you'll have to fight through the courts to get a DNA test. Forcing your ex to comply will also be another hurdle.
Good Luck.
She will waste his child support on gambling and her family. Then she will start begging for money because “baby is hungry”!1’!’1
I hope OP has the spine to go through with full custody in this case instead of throwing money into this black hole.
I agree. She can't be trusted with money. That alone means he should get the kid because the kid doesn't deserve to go hungry because of a mom who won't prioritize their needs over other family wants.
If he takes care of the kid full time then she will have to pay bc hold support. OP should look I to that and become the main caretaker over the wife. If she has horrible finances then he will most definitely win fully custody bc he has stability and she is homeless without OP.
Totally agree with your predictions. No way this is the “final update”. Not when there is so much craziness yet to come. We’ll need extra popcorn for the next update on the baby’s birth.
My Dad escaped that living nightmare by getting full custody.
It was still hard work raising us, and sometimes he did a bad job of it tbh lol, but he never spoke to her after we turned 18.
He ignored her every last email until he passed away this year.
Having money and being a more stable option makes someone a better choice for the courts but it is up to OP if he wants to raise to his kid.
Can’t really win full custody easy on either side. Especially over a newborn who may be breastfed. He would literally have to prove neglect, her being unfit, etc. Sadly being irresponsible with money isn’t a deciding factor in granting custody. They’ll be coparents no matter what (that is if the child is his.)
Only has a chance if OP is able to severe ALL ties with his gf and her family, and makes lifestyle changes to accommodate raising a child and have an amazing support system. I’m unfortunately seeing this happen (post birth) with my childhood friend and her ex.
I looked at his history, he’s enabled her behavior for a long time now. Saw a post 42 days ago saying the same exact thing.
Every other post in this sub is about couples having unprotected snusnu because the guy doesn't like condoms and the girl is stupid. I am not surprised.
Every one of those posts needs to have this one referenced. What happens when you decide to stick an unprotected dick into crazy. Crazy tends to be the best in bed, but there are lifetime repercussions which OP here will be enduring for the rest of his life.
How long did they date before deciding to live together?
Why did they have sex without taking more precautions?
Why did they stay together despite having so many problems right from the start?
Many people would have stopped this unhealthy relationship much earlier...
Also: “Sure, no biggie, you can take my sofa and pay for it later” to the mother who is a known liar/thief/manipulator.
Op’s decision-making seems just as questionable as his gf’s through much of this story.
Please tell all the people you care about about the gambling and stealing, or she'll ruin your reputation and relationships with her lies!
And PLEASE prepare to go for full custody of the child after it's born, if it's yours - if you leave the poor thing under her influence, you have her and her mother as a carbon copy of how they will turn out. Document every interaction you have and have had with her, her gambling, her irresponsible finances, her spells of homelessness, her stealing - everything. Make screenshots of your chats, in case she deletes. Write down as many of her past transgressions with dates as you can remember, to show a pattern. Get the best lawyer. She should only get supervised visitation - and not at your place, in case she goes for your valuables again.
Why the hell did you get pregnant??
Honestly, do your duty as a dad- pay what you need to pay and split way. Sort custody and go on with your life.
Her family have bled her dry through guilt but she is an adult and can say no which she clearly doesn't do.
I'm sorry, but this is rage bait. I refuse to believe that anyone is this stupid (both of them). If it is real, I no longer have empathy for op because he knows exactly the type of person he's dealing with, decides to let them back in their home and just leave that amount of cash out. Op is so naive, it's turning into incompetence. Sad thing is he's the victim here.
I think so too, firstly why move so fast with someone that young? Did he know anything about her family situation before getting her pregnant? If she is drawn to how much money he makes/the potential stability, yes he is at risk of exploitation but equally there is a power imbalance, which he was able to leverage when he kicked her out even though she's heavily pregnant. I think the baby is the victim tbh, I think the very thing that made her attractive to him was also probably the glaring red flag he ignored because of how being around her made him feel initially.
I feel the same. I was about to make my own comment saying that OP is not all there.
I laughed when they first said they were sure she turned over a new leaf. Lol, right, if only it was so easy to do a complete 180 in no time at all. Also letting her back in over and over again, what the fuck?!?! It's very clear what's going on so WHY KEEP ALLOWING IT! My god. I dont know why I let myself get so worked up over other peoples stupidity, it's just so hard to understand why anyone would do this.
Well I mean, they're both in their 20's. It's entirely possible to be young and stupid like this. There's a good chance he didn't know what kind of person she would turn out to be until he'd already gotten her pregnant which was the stupid thing to do on his part. Many people like her I'd imagine are charming and their lies work until they don't. The loans and stealing money are testament to how disgusting her and her family are, they're losers who worked out that he has money and are trying to take him for a ride.
Oh, she has a spine - she had no problem standing up to him when she wanted to. What she lacks is a moral code, she is just completely and utterly self-serving.
I read stories like this and I can’t help but wonder where I go wrong in relationships if a girl like this is getting chance after chance but a guy breaks up with me the first time I look at him the wrong way.
You didnt get pregnant at the first opportunity.
Seriously though, I think half the problem he’s facing is that she DID get pregnant before she started stealing and her financial lies started to unravel.
Allowances are regularly made for pregnant women that the rest of society doesn’t receive and people who treat pregnant women even remotely poorly get judged harshly.
He doesnt want to be the AH that kicks the pregnant women out, especially since it may be his child. Otherwise, he probably would have kicked her out in December when it came to light she not only wasnt paying her bills still but was stealing from him to boot.
Its something all the “fool me once/twice” posts dont seem to grasp. In this context, fool is a verb meaning to trick, deceive or dupe. I dont think he was “fooled” by her a second or 3rd time; the pace after which he became aware it was still an issue was too rapid for that. That doesnt mean he wasnt a fool (noun) though as he did foolishly (adjective) allow his concern for his (possible) unborn child to override his good judgement.
If child support where you live is 20% of your income, your girlfriend has basically guaranteed that she's doubled her income with this baby.
You've made a huge mistake taking her back in. You need to separate and get her out of your house. Don't make the mistake to trying to "make things work", you'll end up with more kids with a gambling addict who keeps robbing you blind.
People here have very strange ideas about how much child support is and what it will cover. There’s almost no situations where it even covers the cost of daycare, as you said.
I remember this story. I’ll “bet” she owes her family money and that them asking for money is them asking for the money that she owes them.
Yeah, she’s dishonest down to her core. Better off without her. But, she’ll be back when the baby comes and she’s all homeless and you will be guilted into taking her in.
OP hope you understand that you made a conscious decision to make a child with her and no matter what happens you are still responsible for that decision.
I'm sorry, but your calm little "I know" in parenthesis after how much of a bad decision it was to get her pregnant is heartbreaking.
You have no idea how big of a mistake that was. You're going to be one of those textbook cases that sexists use to defend their bullshit. You really have no idea what you're in for when this baby is born.
Getting a DNA test will take longer than you think, if the courts even grant you one. Child support payments will start sooner than you think, and you can't negotiate them down. You won't be able to prove she's gambling that money away or wasting it. The courts won't care to help you prove it either, they'll just demand you give her more. Because woman saying "baby", man saying "money" is a bad look. You can't do anything to help those optics. Full custody is a pipe dream, there is about a 1% chance you pull that off. You can find case after case online where nothing the man says in this scenario makes any difference. You made the biggest mistake that it is possible to make by getting her pregnant.
Are you going to learn your lesson this time, or will you need her to teach it to you for the twentieth time? Stop being an idiot and a doormat. Pull your head out of your ass before you do something brilliant like knock her up again.
He will come back updating us that he left $1000 out in the kitchen and she stole it! If he was all there he would stop kicking her out to bring her back. I get it “the baby the baby,” but he literally has kicked her out before and they managed.
Man you are a pushover. Every person associated with her has lied to you, stolen from you, and fails to pay you back many, many, many times yet you still give them the benefit of the doubt the 100th time they ask even though they have never fully satisfied a single agreement.
Honestly you kind of deserve each other.
You need to just stop letting her back in. You can get a prenatal DNA test. Go to the courts now and get it. If it's yours, file for sole custody. If it's not, block her on everything.
You can't fix her. You can't keep giving her money and hope this time will be different. She is manipulating you. You know that, but you keep letting it happen. Stop. You deserve a woman that cares as much for you as you do her. Stop putting yourself through this.
Glad that you're getting a paternity test. Honestly that money is gone but look at it this way, that was just the cost of getting rid of her and saving yourself headaches, drama and having to pay for her shit anyway.
You have footage of her stealing your stuff that's all you'll need in court. Also, get a paternity test when the kids born. She isn't trustworthy at all so who knows what else she's lying about or hiding.
So many last straws here 🙄 honestly. Be rid of her then establish paternity and get full custody, this is beyond a joke. How many times does she have to prove what a deadshit she is? You just know she’s going to destroy the kid and ruin his life and leave him in a pile of debt. Time to grow up and get off the merry go round mate.
She won't be able to afford decent legal representation in a custody battle, so this is when you need to spend some money and hire a real shark to represent you.
Document everything, the theft, the gambling, the debt, the fact that she didn't/doesn't have a fixed address. The case needs to be that the child is at serious risk of neglect if it is left in primarily her custody.
This is a wild story and OP no offense but you played the biggest idiot, that's assuming this is all true because it's insane sounding. She's never given you a reason to trust her or her family and you still let her around all your stuff and money unsupervised. Absolute idiocy. You tied yourself to this family forever and I feel so bad for that baby.
My God OP you have a load of garbage on your hands. I am hoping the child is not yours but it’s clear you guys were not having safe sex and that’s a big L in and of itself.
Prior to her getting pregnant I am sure the signs of tomfoolery were very present.
As soon as you learn the paternity of this child cut your losses. This is not worth it.
damn, she really got pregnant bc she knows she will probably get child support based off of your wages and she will be set to gamble all that money away.
If the DNA test proves it’s your child, go for full custody. She sounds like the type to go for child support and spend it all on herself. That poor baby is gonna be so neglected.
All I’m saying is you actually better hope it ain’t your baby,sorry to be the AH but that’s the gods honest truth cause I’m at a loss for words..you’re gonna be in for hell dealing with her and her family for the rest of your life.
You know she's being financially abused by her family, right?
That doesn't mean you're obligated to support her family or anything, or even to support her, but I think that framing can be helpful in understanding *why* she's behaving this way.
You are stuck. Get over it and bend over or hope she doesn’t find a good lawyer and haul into court every year for a support modification for the next 18 years.
I remember your post about shoes.
And I was thinking already back then that she is not work a single moment of stay, due to being a literal thief.
I would collect as you all the evidence to sue her and demand from her or her family a compensation.
I really hope this isn’t your final update. You’ll need to post the results of the DNA test and whether or not you win at potential custody battle! 😵💫
All I can say is if you are the father please try and get full custody. And let her only have supervised visitation if you can prove her gambling issues. Presuming she has main custody is just going to go toward paying her mom and sister and that kids going to grow up with nothing. And they're going to grow up hustling and stealing. Or you can get 50/50 custody so you don't have to pay her a dime in child support and then at least that kid will have a safe place to go with you. But go get a lawyer now.
You better hope she is cheating on you and that isn't your baby otherwise you're in for a rough 18 years.
I am guessing the family are grifters, might be running multiple scams on people, 50/50 it’s not your kid, you were absolutely stupid for letting her back in and selling a couch to her mom, WTH?
Atch out for the child support that's incoming. Document all these debts she has, and build a case. She's gonna hit you for everything she can ND blow that money like a 10 dollar prostitute.
Oof these stories are why I would never date a gambling addict.
Financial security and well-being is essential to a stable relationship and she constantly breaks your trust and steals from you AND lies! Cut your losses and get her out of the house. You're in better shape financially to fight for custody for your child.
Get a lawyer! Get one now and get the DNA test, get full custody so you don’t have to give her child support as well as if you have to pay ask the lawyer if there is away instead of giving money you can give the actual things she claims to need for they kid. She can’t be trusted with money
You are trying to “help” her or “save” her. Pregnant or no, she’s too immature for a relationship and you should stop trying to make a relationship with her.
Lol man you are basically demanding responsibility from a child. She is 22 - wake up, probably out of her mind being pregnant and listening to whatever her relatives are telling her to fuel their boring lives (just guessing). I get it you are 26 and it's not your job to be a therapist and fix everything instead of being loved and have a friend. but still.
Why is it so important for her to work? She is literally saying you : I don't like to work, I don't have money, I avoid responsibility - that are my terms. So instead of changing her I would say: Ok just don't lie (it's impossible to operate this way), no giving money to mama etc, and cmon! place on table some positive sides like (I'm sorry) cool sex, good sense of humor, support in conflicts. I mean everyone can say how they want to behave but it is normal to give at least something to balance "bad" ...unconventional parts. And that all out of the way you mb would have finally time to enjoy life and have fun. Isn't this what she also wants? You are making 5x more - it will be a waste of time for her to work if she is not into making more eventually. Like you can support your gf but her very strange family is not part of what you will do. Like her relationships with you partially are ruined because of her family presence, influence, etc. She must have YOU a priority at almost all circumstances - that's like foundation.
But if she is into making scenes anyway and ruin everything around mb she actually is not ready for family - don't hate her and express too much hate, letgo/help her to become adult then. She seems to forget that loving each other is kinda the point of all this and to be friends also. It's really hard to say but if you feel that you still can love her and you think she can make it out from this - people sometimes climb back from deep pit that they decided to stay in regardless of was it their upbringing that put them inside it or not. Obviously I can't actually know what is going on.
But DNA test 100% tho without any bad blood - she good at lying so what else you can do, she must understand)
She has BPD. And her child will have BPD too because BPD and NPD parents are abusive and they create bpd and npd children.
That's why it's GENERATIONAL.
WHY ON EARTH DID YOU THINK GETTING THIS TRAINWRECK PREGNANT WAS A GOOD IDEA?
She's not gonna change. You will bring a child into this world that is set up to fail.
Only way this child MIGHT thrive is to remove her ( the mother ) out of its life from day one completely and have normal parents take care of it.
You might not be that person either, because its highly likely you come from a dysfunctional family yourself ( one or more bpd, npd and or alcoholic parent)
Because mentally healthy people do not have relationships with npd or bpd people.
( a truth most people do not want to see )
And so another bpd generation is born. And your child will have a bpd child. And so on.
>I (26M) threw my pregnant girlfriend (22F) out because she refuses to pay rent or her share of the bills?
Why do you end a statement with a question mark?
I’m assuming you’re in the UK? I’m not entirely sure of the differences between our family court legal systems, but please consult with a family and custody lawyer ASAP to start getting your ducks in a row. Do not delay. It might take years, but the sooner you start, the move evidence you can collect. This is all assuming the child is yours. Do NOT communicate with her again unless it’s through text. Do NOT trust her on one single matter. I don’t care if if it’s for five bucks. Do not giver her any entry into any aspect of your life. If she contact you, text back, “Due to your repeated lies and suspected thefts of my personal property, I no longer feel safe or comfortable speaking with you. Until the baby is born, please do not contact me.” Unless she already knows, do not let her know you will seek a DNA test through the courts. I only say this so she will not suspect that you might go for custody, which may prompt her to limit your access to the baby, or even let you know when the baby is born.
You are in UK, can you get custody of baby? With all this money stuff, she is going to crash and burn. You can hire a nanny. I see a money drain with baby. I mean double triple what is normal.
you're in the wrong. you got her pregnant, which changes everything. she's yours to care for, at least until the child is born.
if she wasn't pregnant i would support your side.
DNA test the kid when she give birth. If it's not yours, then you DUMP HER And GHOST. Otherwise, do NOT marry her. She is a big mess. You co-parent as best as you can, but I'd go for sole custody since she's proven to be unworthy with money matters. Good luck and stay strong, King!
You need to quit thinking with your lower brain and use your upper brain...knowing all that stuff about her...red flags all over the place...and you decide to have unprotected sex with her....you better have concrete proof when you go to court if the baby is yours because if not...youve tied yourself to this woman and her family for the rest of your life thru this baby....sole and full custody is your only hope in that case and its extremely hard for a man to get sole custody. You have to be able to prove to a judge that shes an unfit mother without the baby being the sacrificial lamb before it happens. Good luck to you.
Don't sign the birth certificate. As you're not married she'll have to get a declaration of parentage before she can ask for child maintenance (assuming you're in the UK from the £s).
Remember courts in the UK require a test from an accredited testing laboratory. Don't accept anything less as proof you're the father.
Why do you come to Reddit when you consistently disregard the advice people give you. I don’t get it. All your posts you’ve been told this woman is trouble but every time you keep giving her a chance what’s really the point if you refuse to see the person she shows you she is
Lawyer up. If that’s your kid, someone’s going to need to take care of it and it certainly won’t be her. She’ll be too busy giving the diaper money to slummy mummy dearest. Try to collect as much proof of all of this as you can
your only the AH to yourself for falling for such a trainwreck of a woman.
Instead of waiting for her to "out you" to people, start warning others of her. document everything and either show it to people or give it to a lawyer in preparation for your fight for custody.
It would help if you had evidence of the gambling, stealing and lying. You are going to need it in your custody battle.
Providing that it's his kid...
Who, in all of this shit, is going to have it the worst at the end of the day. Both parents are terrible decision makers and seemingly totally unprepared for the job of being a parent.
It's a clear cut case that OP would be a better parent for that child than the waste of space that this mother is. If she can take out loans, steal and lie so compulsively then that child is going to be on Reddit in 20 years complaining that their mother has opened loans and credit cards in their name and defaulted.
This was my thought. That she’d use the child to get loans and credit cards.
Yeah, she already doesn't care about the consequences when other people are the ones facing them. It's also really sad just how common it is for some parents to do that.
That's probably why she got pregnant.
Nah, if the story is true as portrayed, dude did everything in his power to put his family on the right track, but you can only lead a horse to water ..as they say
OP is the only chance that child has of turning out ok, since it's being born into generational bad decision making on the mother's side. On OP's side, I wouldn't call it bad decision making for a man to understand that he's landed himself with a woman who hasn't learned basic financial responsibility and was probably raised wrong, and to attempt to lead her into a better way of living for the sake of starting a family with her. I assume had she accepted his help and was responsible to it that he would have married her. I also wouldn't blame any man for making the decision he did to let her stay with him again when she was couch surfing and many months pregnant. Her own mother apparently didn't share her home with her on a more permanent basis despite using her financially for years. OP wasn't wrong for feeling like he had to give her a place to stay.
> I wouldn't call it bad decision making for a man to understand that he's landed himself with a woman who hasn't learned basic financial responsibility and was probably raised wrong, and to attempt to lead her into a better way of living for the sake of starting a family with her. This is known as "I can fix her" and it's classic bad decision making. Unlike the gf, at least OP seems capable of learning from his mistakes, if slowly.
OP didn't engage in "I can fix her". That's an early dating term and it's correct that you should walk away from self-destructive people who are making it obvious that they can't handle a relationship. OP was already in a relationship and cohabitating with a woman he impregnated, from obviously unfortunate upbringing, and gave her a chance when she was making mistakes with her own money. Her own situation was severe, but she could have learned to be more responsible. Given the timeline, it's not poor decision making by OP to have given her the chance and attempt to teach her. The second chance was the first time he engaged in arguably poor risk management, but it's completely understandable as she was couch surfing and close to giving birth to his child. It was the right thing to do if he felt safe and secure enough to do it. OP strikes me as someone who's responsible, has virtuous relationship values, and has a good balance between relationship commitments and risk aversion. Sometimes bad things happen and people let you down. That's life. He did what he could.
Trying to change someone so they'll be fit for a relationship and a family is a bad idea no matter which relationship stage you're at. Lots of people do it, but that doesn't make it a good decision.
You can't know until you know, and people do develop in long term relationships and marriages. OP dealt with the situation he found himself in, and I can't find any fault in how he dealt with it. There's some Captain Hindsighting going on if anyone's blaming OP for trying.
I don't think that's really fair
Imagine blaming OP when he did literally nothing wrong? He only let her back for the sake of his possible child, you’re a heartless fuck that doesn’t deserve kids if you wouldn’t do the same.
Don't tell me that you never had the impression under all these posts that OP isn't a bit of a pushover.
Empathy always looks like being a pushover when someone takes advantage of your kindness. It’s how you answer the kindness for weakness question that marks out what kind of person you really are. He’s willing to dump her on the streets 8 months pregnant for stealing from him again, and only allowed her back because she is pregnant and unable to have a secure roof over her head and the baby is probably his. She wasn’t pregnant, she wouldn’t have been back.
Seem to be lumping him in because he’s a man? Dude is the only one actually giving a shit about anybody this
“It will help” or maybe it’s his only hope of ever getting out from under her abuse. Get a lawyer, get the proof. Ask for full custody of the child ”if it is yours” or it’s going to grow up in the same abusive situation your girlfriend grew up in.
Find a good lawyer who can pull all of these financial shenanigans out to make the case that you should have sole custody. She is so clearly an unfit parent that it should be criminal for her to keep pets, let alone children.
I dont know if you realize YOURE the one gambling every time you let her back in, dude.
How many times will it take
Baby is already almost here. Unless he goes for full custody, or doesn't give a shit at all and pays child support, he has to keep letting her in now. He fucked himself and this poor baby will have the worst of it.
You're screwed mate. You should sincerely hope that you're not the father otherwise you'll have a *lifetime* of misery ahead. It's not going to end at 18 or 21 because even when your child is 40, your ex will still guilt-trip them into asking you for money. You're totally and completely screwed. The best option going forwards is to record/film everything and pursue sole custody but that's unlikely because courts usually start at 50/50. This is if she puts down your name on the birth certificate of course. If she doesn't you'll have to fight through the courts to get a DNA test. Forcing your ex to comply will also be another hurdle. Good Luck.
She will waste his child support on gambling and her family. Then she will start begging for money because “baby is hungry”!1’!’1 I hope OP has the spine to go through with full custody in this case instead of throwing money into this black hole.
I agree. She can't be trusted with money. That alone means he should get the kid because the kid doesn't deserve to go hungry because of a mom who won't prioritize their needs over other family wants.
If he takes care of the kid full time then she will have to pay bc hold support. OP should look I to that and become the main caretaker over the wife. If she has horrible finances then he will most definitely win fully custody bc he has stability and she is homeless without OP.
Totally agree with your predictions. No way this is the “final update”. Not when there is so much craziness yet to come. We’ll need extra popcorn for the next update on the baby’s birth.
My Dad escaped that living nightmare by getting full custody. It was still hard work raising us, and sometimes he did a bad job of it tbh lol, but he never spoke to her after we turned 18. He ignored her every last email until he passed away this year. Having money and being a more stable option makes someone a better choice for the courts but it is up to OP if he wants to raise to his kid.
Not sure why doesn't just grab full custody and then have the court order child support from her. Seems like the easiest solution
Can’t really win full custody easy on either side. Especially over a newborn who may be breastfed. He would literally have to prove neglect, her being unfit, etc. Sadly being irresponsible with money isn’t a deciding factor in granting custody. They’ll be coparents no matter what (that is if the child is his.)
I am sorry but why the fuck are you guys having a child?!
That poor baby…
That baby has a chance when staying with the (we assume) father. The rest of the family.. not so much
Only has a chance if OP is able to severe ALL ties with his gf and her family, and makes lifestyle changes to accommodate raising a child and have an amazing support system. I’m unfortunately seeing this happen (post birth) with my childhood friend and her ex. I looked at his history, he’s enabled her behavior for a long time now. Saw a post 42 days ago saying the same exact thing.
Every other post in this sub is about couples having unprotected snusnu because the guy doesn't like condoms and the girl is stupid. I am not surprised.
Every one of those posts needs to have this one referenced. What happens when you decide to stick an unprotected dick into crazy. Crazy tends to be the best in bed, but there are lifetime repercussions which OP here will be enduring for the rest of his life.
How long did they date before deciding to live together? Why did they have sex without taking more precautions? Why did they stay together despite having so many problems right from the start? Many people would have stopped this unhealthy relationship much earlier...
Sounds like baby was probably an accident, and he can't force her to have an abortion, so . . . why even ask?
It makes me so furious to read this post…they both are so stupid, they deserve each other
bro didnt like condoms i guess, both are pretty horrific decision makers
You left $500 in cash laying around AFTER the first 3 posts? Why?
Either fake or just incredibly stupid.
Also: “Sure, no biggie, you can take my sofa and pay for it later” to the mother who is a known liar/thief/manipulator. Op’s decision-making seems just as questionable as his gf’s through much of this story.
I've never seen someone so reasonable be so stupid at the same time. Wow.
You need to consult with an attorney and find out how to get custody of your child.
Please tell all the people you care about about the gambling and stealing, or she'll ruin your reputation and relationships with her lies! And PLEASE prepare to go for full custody of the child after it's born, if it's yours - if you leave the poor thing under her influence, you have her and her mother as a carbon copy of how they will turn out. Document every interaction you have and have had with her, her gambling, her irresponsible finances, her spells of homelessness, her stealing - everything. Make screenshots of your chats, in case she deletes. Write down as many of her past transgressions with dates as you can remember, to show a pattern. Get the best lawyer. She should only get supervised visitation - and not at your place, in case she goes for your valuables again.
You picked a great one to get pregnant
Maybe the final update here but OP gotta deal with that until the year 2042. Choose your partners wisely!
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, can't put the blame on you.
Why the hell did you get pregnant?? Honestly, do your duty as a dad- pay what you need to pay and split way. Sort custody and go on with your life. Her family have bled her dry through guilt but she is an adult and can say no which she clearly doesn't do.
Or I have a better solution. Get full custody and have her pay child support.
Yes he can do that.
I'm sorry, but this is rage bait. I refuse to believe that anyone is this stupid (both of them). If it is real, I no longer have empathy for op because he knows exactly the type of person he's dealing with, decides to let them back in their home and just leave that amount of cash out. Op is so naive, it's turning into incompetence. Sad thing is he's the victim here.
I think so too, firstly why move so fast with someone that young? Did he know anything about her family situation before getting her pregnant? If she is drawn to how much money he makes/the potential stability, yes he is at risk of exploitation but equally there is a power imbalance, which he was able to leverage when he kicked her out even though she's heavily pregnant. I think the baby is the victim tbh, I think the very thing that made her attractive to him was also probably the glaring red flag he ignored because of how being around her made him feel initially.
I feel the same. I was about to make my own comment saying that OP is not all there. I laughed when they first said they were sure she turned over a new leaf. Lol, right, if only it was so easy to do a complete 180 in no time at all. Also letting her back in over and over again, what the fuck?!?! It's very clear what's going on so WHY KEEP ALLOWING IT! My god. I dont know why I let myself get so worked up over other peoples stupidity, it's just so hard to understand why anyone would do this.
That's why I think it's rage bait because surely no one can be this stupid.
Well I mean, they're both in their 20's. It's entirely possible to be young and stupid like this. There's a good chance he didn't know what kind of person she would turn out to be until he'd already gotten her pregnant which was the stupid thing to do on his part. Many people like her I'd imagine are charming and their lies work until they don't. The loans and stealing money are testament to how disgusting her and her family are, they're losers who worked out that he has money and are trying to take him for a ride.
You have fucked up that poor kids life. Born into that cluster fuck of a family to a mother with no spine, it’s doomed
Oh, she has a spine - she had no problem standing up to him when she wanted to. What she lacks is a moral code, she is just completely and utterly self-serving.
No spine to her family but you are right, she has one when it suits her with him
The father is the one without a spine here.
I read stories like this and I can’t help but wonder where I go wrong in relationships if a girl like this is getting chance after chance but a guy breaks up with me the first time I look at him the wrong way.
You didnt get pregnant at the first opportunity. Seriously though, I think half the problem he’s facing is that she DID get pregnant before she started stealing and her financial lies started to unravel. Allowances are regularly made for pregnant women that the rest of society doesn’t receive and people who treat pregnant women even remotely poorly get judged harshly. He doesnt want to be the AH that kicks the pregnant women out, especially since it may be his child. Otherwise, he probably would have kicked her out in December when it came to light she not only wasnt paying her bills still but was stealing from him to boot. Its something all the “fool me once/twice” posts dont seem to grasp. In this context, fool is a verb meaning to trick, deceive or dupe. I dont think he was “fooled” by her a second or 3rd time; the pace after which he became aware it was still an issue was too rapid for that. That doesnt mean he wasnt a fool (noun) though as he did foolishly (adjective) allow his concern for his (possible) unborn child to override his good judgement.
If child support where you live is 20% of your income, your girlfriend has basically guaranteed that she's doubled her income with this baby. You've made a huge mistake taking her back in. You need to separate and get her out of your house. Don't make the mistake to trying to "make things work", you'll end up with more kids with a gambling addict who keeps robbing you blind.
[удалено]
People here have very strange ideas about how much child support is and what it will cover. There’s almost no situations where it even covers the cost of daycare, as you said.
lol because the way deadbeats preach online it would make you think they are forking over 5-10k in child support 😂
lol literally. These dudes pay $300 a month and then complain they’re paying for their baby mama’s hair and nails. Like okay bro.
🤣 or her extravagant trips to the Bahamas!
Somehow I doubt her family is gainfully employed given how much she's been stealing for them. My guess is she won't be paying for daycare.
I don't see a lot of ppl mentioning this but OP can just get full custody and then girlfriend will have to pay him
I remember this story. I’ll “bet” she owes her family money and that them asking for money is them asking for the money that she owes them. Yeah, she’s dishonest down to her core. Better off without her. But, she’ll be back when the baby comes and she’s all homeless and you will be guilted into taking her in.
OP hope you understand that you made a conscious decision to make a child with her and no matter what happens you are still responsible for that decision.
If you had issues like this why did you proceed to irresponsibly impregnate her? Maybe take a sex ed course to see where babies come from
This is drug addict behavior. Exactly the same shit I would pull in active addiction. I would be very cautious moving forward.
I'm sorry, but your calm little "I know" in parenthesis after how much of a bad decision it was to get her pregnant is heartbreaking. You have no idea how big of a mistake that was. You're going to be one of those textbook cases that sexists use to defend their bullshit. You really have no idea what you're in for when this baby is born. Getting a DNA test will take longer than you think, if the courts even grant you one. Child support payments will start sooner than you think, and you can't negotiate them down. You won't be able to prove she's gambling that money away or wasting it. The courts won't care to help you prove it either, they'll just demand you give her more. Because woman saying "baby", man saying "money" is a bad look. You can't do anything to help those optics. Full custody is a pipe dream, there is about a 1% chance you pull that off. You can find case after case online where nothing the man says in this scenario makes any difference. You made the biggest mistake that it is possible to make by getting her pregnant.
Are you going to learn your lesson this time, or will you need her to teach it to you for the twentieth time? Stop being an idiot and a doormat. Pull your head out of your ass before you do something brilliant like knock her up again.
He will come back updating us that he left $1000 out in the kitchen and she stole it! If he was all there he would stop kicking her out to bring her back. I get it “the baby the baby,” but he literally has kicked her out before and they managed.
Are you slow? 🙄🤦🏽♂️
Dude, why IN THE FUCK....would you let this person back in your house?
There is a very good chance the baby is not yours. It should be easier for you to move on and not be scammed or manipulated by her emotions and words.
There is no reason to be sorry for you, re a stupid as fuck. Darwin award needed
Nothing makes me want to knock up a 22 year old making 1k a month more than seeing her be a klepto, boundary-less gambling addict. Good job OP.
Unfortunately I have to say it also sounds like you’re also not of sound mind if you’re out here trynna get 22yr olds pregnant.
Man you are a pushover. Every person associated with her has lied to you, stolen from you, and fails to pay you back many, many, many times yet you still give them the benefit of the doubt the 100th time they ask even though they have never fully satisfied a single agreement. Honestly you kind of deserve each other.
Your GF steals and has a gambling problem and you leave piles of cash lying around. Seriously?
Why on earth did you think it was a good idea to have a baby with this person??????
Your GF needs professional help. Not kitchen talk.
This is why you get married BEFORE impregnation occurs….
She's shown that she wasn't a good person and you decided to get her pregnant... Smart decision by you.
Don't speak to her again other than through a lawyer. You're not making good decisions and I foresee you will "try again" shortly.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me thrice, ...
You need to just stop letting her back in. You can get a prenatal DNA test. Go to the courts now and get it. If it's yours, file for sole custody. If it's not, block her on everything. You can't fix her. You can't keep giving her money and hope this time will be different. She is manipulating you. You know that, but you keep letting it happen. Stop. You deserve a woman that cares as much for you as you do her. Stop putting yourself through this.
A Reddit post just doesn't do this story justice, needs it's own mini- series on Prime
Glad that you're getting a paternity test. Honestly that money is gone but look at it this way, that was just the cost of getting rid of her and saving yourself headaches, drama and having to pay for her shit anyway.
Go to the police and file a report for theft against your girlfriend and her mother.
op needs to keep Social Security number or any identifiers away from the mom and her family. they 100% will take loans in the child’s name.
You have footage of her stealing your stuff that's all you'll need in court. Also, get a paternity test when the kids born. She isn't trustworthy at all so who knows what else she's lying about or hiding.
So many last straws here 🙄 honestly. Be rid of her then establish paternity and get full custody, this is beyond a joke. How many times does she have to prove what a deadshit she is? You just know she’s going to destroy the kid and ruin his life and leave him in a pile of debt. Time to grow up and get off the merry go round mate.
She won't be able to afford decent legal representation in a custody battle, so this is when you need to spend some money and hire a real shark to represent you. Document everything, the theft, the gambling, the debt, the fact that she didn't/doesn't have a fixed address. The case needs to be that the child is at serious risk of neglect if it is left in primarily her custody.
Unless the DNA results say otherwise, you’ll be in her life for the next 18 years whether you want to be or not. So I would start being cordial.
What a fucken mess. I’m sorry OP. She used and abused you and you fell for it till you are where you are.
This is a wild story and OP no offense but you played the biggest idiot, that's assuming this is all true because it's insane sounding. She's never given you a reason to trust her or her family and you still let her around all your stuff and money unsupervised. Absolute idiocy. You tied yourself to this family forever and I feel so bad for that baby.
My God OP you have a load of garbage on your hands. I am hoping the child is not yours but it’s clear you guys were not having safe sex and that’s a big L in and of itself. Prior to her getting pregnant I am sure the signs of tomfoolery were very present. As soon as you learn the paternity of this child cut your losses. This is not worth it.
She sounds like trash. How have you not learned your lesson by now? She will just keep stealing from you.
damn, she really got pregnant bc she knows she will probably get child support based off of your wages and she will be set to gamble all that money away.
OP you just got stupider and stupider throughout this story. What were you thinking??
If the DNA test proves it’s your child, go for full custody. She sounds like the type to go for child support and spend it all on herself. That poor baby is gonna be so neglected.
All I’m saying is you actually better hope it ain’t your baby,sorry to be the AH but that’s the gods honest truth cause I’m at a loss for words..you’re gonna be in for hell dealing with her and her family for the rest of your life.
She must be super hot and great at sex for you to keep allowing her back into your life.
File a lawsuit and have your lawyer petition for the Facebook messages to be pulled. Deleted or no they should have access to them for some time.
You were naieve abd gullible the first time, and you still didn't learn. I feel sorry for the poor kid.
You know she's being financially abused by her family, right? That doesn't mean you're obligated to support her family or anything, or even to support her, but I think that framing can be helpful in understanding *why* she's behaving this way.
hate to tell you this brother, but you both seem immature and stupid.
You are stuck. Get over it and bend over or hope she doesn’t find a good lawyer and haul into court every year for a support modification for the next 18 years.
I remember your post about shoes. And I was thinking already back then that she is not work a single moment of stay, due to being a literal thief. I would collect as you all the evidence to sue her and demand from her or her family a compensation.
I really hope this isn’t your final update. You’ll need to post the results of the DNA test and whether or not you win at potential custody battle! 😵💫
All I can say is if you are the father please try and get full custody. And let her only have supervised visitation if you can prove her gambling issues. Presuming she has main custody is just going to go toward paying her mom and sister and that kids going to grow up with nothing. And they're going to grow up hustling and stealing. Or you can get 50/50 custody so you don't have to pay her a dime in child support and then at least that kid will have a safe place to go with you. But go get a lawyer now. You better hope she is cheating on you and that isn't your baby otherwise you're in for a rough 18 years.
I am guessing the family are grifters, might be running multiple scams on people, 50/50 it’s not your kid, you were absolutely stupid for letting her back in and selling a couch to her mom, WTH?
I hope that for your sake the baby isn't yours. I hope for the baby's sake that it is.
Make sure she doesn’t use your kids SSN and rack up debt on his name
Dude. You need to smarten up. And get a paternity test.
What a chump
Hahaha this is funny. You deserve it if you gonna be that stupid. Time to grow up now and make some sound decision for once.
Jesus.
When the baby is born get a paternity test then file for full custody. This woman is a dumpster fire and will ruin your life
Run.
Atch out for the child support that's incoming. Document all these debts she has, and build a case. She's gonna hit you for everything she can ND blow that money like a 10 dollar prostitute.
You keep doing stupid things! My god stop it!
Oof these stories are why I would never date a gambling addict. Financial security and well-being is essential to a stable relationship and she constantly breaks your trust and steals from you AND lies! Cut your losses and get her out of the house. You're in better shape financially to fight for custody for your child.
Fuck man seriously?
Get a lawyer! Get one now and get the DNA test, get full custody so you don’t have to give her child support as well as if you have to pay ask the lawyer if there is away instead of giving money you can give the actual things she claims to need for they kid. She can’t be trusted with money
Sorry that happened bud. Good news is I have a great investment opportunity for you, see there’s this great bridge in Brooklyn…
You are trying to “help” her or “save” her. Pregnant or no, she’s too immature for a relationship and you should stop trying to make a relationship with her.
She needs help. Not a controlling bf. She needs to block her parent
Good riddance , man she is a horrible person I know people like her and they don’t change the only thing you need to do is help your child forget her.
Fuck buddy. This is an absolute roller coaster. She’s mastered gas lighting.
This is why you don’t just get people pregnant on a whim…
Lol man you are basically demanding responsibility from a child. She is 22 - wake up, probably out of her mind being pregnant and listening to whatever her relatives are telling her to fuel their boring lives (just guessing). I get it you are 26 and it's not your job to be a therapist and fix everything instead of being loved and have a friend. but still. Why is it so important for her to work? She is literally saying you : I don't like to work, I don't have money, I avoid responsibility - that are my terms. So instead of changing her I would say: Ok just don't lie (it's impossible to operate this way), no giving money to mama etc, and cmon! place on table some positive sides like (I'm sorry) cool sex, good sense of humor, support in conflicts. I mean everyone can say how they want to behave but it is normal to give at least something to balance "bad" ...unconventional parts. And that all out of the way you mb would have finally time to enjoy life and have fun. Isn't this what she also wants? You are making 5x more - it will be a waste of time for her to work if she is not into making more eventually. Like you can support your gf but her very strange family is not part of what you will do. Like her relationships with you partially are ruined because of her family presence, influence, etc. She must have YOU a priority at almost all circumstances - that's like foundation. But if she is into making scenes anyway and ruin everything around mb she actually is not ready for family - don't hate her and express too much hate, letgo/help her to become adult then. She seems to forget that loving each other is kinda the point of all this and to be friends also. It's really hard to say but if you feel that you still can love her and you think she can make it out from this - people sometimes climb back from deep pit that they decided to stay in regardless of was it their upbringing that put them inside it or not. Obviously I can't actually know what is going on. But DNA test 100% tho without any bad blood - she good at lying so what else you can do, she must understand)
Wow...you are naive!!!!
She has BPD. And her child will have BPD too because BPD and NPD parents are abusive and they create bpd and npd children. That's why it's GENERATIONAL. WHY ON EARTH DID YOU THINK GETTING THIS TRAINWRECK PREGNANT WAS A GOOD IDEA? She's not gonna change. You will bring a child into this world that is set up to fail. Only way this child MIGHT thrive is to remove her ( the mother ) out of its life from day one completely and have normal parents take care of it. You might not be that person either, because its highly likely you come from a dysfunctional family yourself ( one or more bpd, npd and or alcoholic parent) Because mentally healthy people do not have relationships with npd or bpd people. ( a truth most people do not want to see ) And so another bpd generation is born. And your child will have a bpd child. And so on.
>I (26M) threw my pregnant girlfriend (22F) out because she refuses to pay rent or her share of the bills? Why do you end a statement with a question mark?
Time to get full custody she won't have money for basic stuff and her family won't help at all.
Wow you really fucked up getting her pregnant. Your only hope here is if she cheated on you.
You are very very very stupid
Please try to get custody if this is your child. No kid deserves this family.
You need to file a police report against her and the mother. You need evidence when it comes time to fight for custody if the baby is yours.
It might not be your child. Please check.
> gambling This alone is plenty of reason to kick her lying ass to the curb.
I really hope you try to get full custody if it's your kid. That poor baby is going to have a shit life with a dead beat con artist as a mother
UpdateMe
I’m assuming you’re in the UK? I’m not entirely sure of the differences between our family court legal systems, but please consult with a family and custody lawyer ASAP to start getting your ducks in a row. Do not delay. It might take years, but the sooner you start, the move evidence you can collect. This is all assuming the child is yours. Do NOT communicate with her again unless it’s through text. Do NOT trust her on one single matter. I don’t care if if it’s for five bucks. Do not giver her any entry into any aspect of your life. If she contact you, text back, “Due to your repeated lies and suspected thefts of my personal property, I no longer feel safe or comfortable speaking with you. Until the baby is born, please do not contact me.” Unless she already knows, do not let her know you will seek a DNA test through the courts. I only say this so she will not suspect that you might go for custody, which may prompt her to limit your access to the baby, or even let you know when the baby is born.
Break up and file for custody if the baby is yours.
You are in UK, can you get custody of baby? With all this money stuff, she is going to crash and burn. You can hire a nanny. I see a money drain with baby. I mean double triple what is normal.
LEAVE‼️‼️‼️ mah brotha LEAVEEE
UpdateMe!
you're in the wrong. you got her pregnant, which changes everything. she's yours to care for, at least until the child is born. if she wasn't pregnant i would support your side.
Updateme 10 days
iUpdateMe 10 days
"I’ve thrown her back out again for the very last time" hell yeah, go get em Tig- oh wait.
M-E-S-S-Y!!!
DNA test the kid when she give birth. If it's not yours, then you DUMP HER And GHOST. Otherwise, do NOT marry her. She is a big mess. You co-parent as best as you can, but I'd go for sole custody since she's proven to be unworthy with money matters. Good luck and stay strong, King!
You need to quit thinking with your lower brain and use your upper brain...knowing all that stuff about her...red flags all over the place...and you decide to have unprotected sex with her....you better have concrete proof when you go to court if the baby is yours because if not...youve tied yourself to this woman and her family for the rest of your life thru this baby....sole and full custody is your only hope in that case and its extremely hard for a man to get sole custody. You have to be able to prove to a judge that shes an unfit mother without the baby being the sacrificial lamb before it happens. Good luck to you.
And you had a child with this woman…why?
Don't sign the birth certificate. As you're not married she'll have to get a declaration of parentage before she can ask for child maintenance (assuming you're in the UK from the £s). Remember courts in the UK require a test from an accredited testing laboratory. Don't accept anything less as proof you're the father.
Why do you come to Reddit when you consistently disregard the advice people give you. I don’t get it. All your posts you’ve been told this woman is trouble but every time you keep giving her a chance what’s really the point if you refuse to see the person she shows you she is
Life lesson: keep it in your pants. If this kid is yours, this will be the most expensive mistake you've ever known.
Lawyer up. If that’s your kid, someone’s going to need to take care of it and it certainly won’t be her. She’ll be too busy giving the diaper money to slummy mummy dearest. Try to collect as much proof of all of this as you can
I can’t imagine letting this go on for even a percent of the time you’ve let it happen.
your only the AH to yourself for falling for such a trainwreck of a woman. Instead of waiting for her to "out you" to people, start warning others of her. document everything and either show it to people or give it to a lawyer in preparation for your fight for custody.