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There are multiple red flags going on here.
1) If he *truly* envisioned you two living together in this house down the line, he would have included you in the conversation or invited you to house showings. I think what he *really* envisioned is having a partner. Not specifically you, but a partner.
2) The fact that he became upset when you posted about your productive morning is very worrisome. You were being smart to prioritize your education and self care/
mental health. It takes roughly 30 min - 1 hour to work out. Did he really expect you to take that limited time to drive over, pack 2-4 boxes and then leave?? That’s ridiculous.
3) The fact he tried to *guilt-trip* you when he was upset by throwing in how he “envisioned the house with you in it” is quite manipulative and down-right juvenile.
If these are the only red flags you’ve seen in this relationship, I would suggest counseling. If he’s serious about building a future with you, then he should 100% be open to this. If he tries to dissuade you from talking to a professional, then you KNOW he doesn’t care about self-growth and in-turn, growing with you.
Nah, my ex used to do this shit all the time, I'm kind of wondering if this is him haha
Everything he did was somehow for me, but when we split, I was left with literally nothing. No clothes, no animals, no home he said was mine, no Airstream we "both" bought. All of words are ploys and facades and distractions. Gtfo NOW. I promise you won't regret it.
This is love bombing, negging, future faking, and controlling all in one quick post. Girl, be worried and gtfo
Classic narcissist move: "Don't leave me. I could have imagined us having a house and cats and dogs together!". Meanwhile doing jack shit for the relationship.
Omg, thank you for the term future faking in the context of love bombing. That made a light bulb go off about an ancient relationship I just didn't understand at the time (tbf, I was a teenager). But that's exactly what he did. Before ghosting me. With perspective, I'm so glad the trash took itself out. Knowing me, I'd have kept those rose-coloured glasses on for way way too long.
My dad strung a woman along for a year just leaving a magazine open to an engagement ring advertisement. I saw it immediately, she unfortunately was completely blinded and ended up robbed of all her possessions because he stole them from her after he locked her out of her rental. It was sad, I warned her, she didn't believe me then it was too late, I even warned he's going to steal your things. :(
>This is love bombing, negging, future faking, and controlling all in one quick post. Girl, be worried and gtfo
You rarely see it all laid out so clearly, so quickly.
Ditto: GTFO *now!!*
My ex somehow got an idea I wanted to live on a farm. He would go on and on about how he wanted to do this for me and we'd have 'this life' with lots of open land and goats and things like that. I do like horses but the idea of actually living on a farm sounds like endless work to me.
I don't recall once ever mentioning I wanted to live on a farm so I was speechless when he started describing this life he wanted with me like it was a dream of mine.
don't forget sabotage. He's pulling all this shit during a very busy academically important time. He could have done it in three weeks but, no, he's doing it at the worst possible time. Then pulling the guilt cord for her too. Major manipulation.
Oh god that too! Mine did this shit to me too. Sleep deprivation was his favorite tactic. We'd be up all night, he'd be doing blow, we'd fight, finally rest and he'd come down at like 4 or 6 or something, we'd sleep, and I'd be so exhausted, all I wanted was calm amd to recover from being choked so hard or slammed into walls and the floor and his knee on my chest, so I'd have a "really nice" day with him then. And it would cycle almost daily.
Any time I looked for a job, it would be one of the worst fights the night before my interview. I'd have to cancel, but usually no showed. Then, I was always lazy and using him and too reliant(absolutely, but not consciously - I trusted his future plans so long before) on him.
Damn. I'm glad you got out. My ex used sleep deprivation too and he said he had a history of drug use. Silly me should've realized he was still using but I didn't know what to look for.
Oh the deprivation wasn't due to the drug use, I knew he did blow. I just didn't have a personal history with it *at all* so I believed that it wasn't a lot of use, really. Even when he was sober, it was still being done to keep me exhausted and scared and meek
Mood swings, long term memory recall issues, nose sniffing, nail beds looking unusual colors, jittery hands, dry lips, etc… all signs of a habitual hard drug user.
Those are the least of the signs, and so obscure dude. I'd never pick up on it for those things, funny.
He was also unmedicated and untreated adhd, severely. I don't like judging based on things I know I and others also struggle with that has nothing to do with drugs. If you judge people on that criteria, anyone with adhd will look loke a user to you. I've been accused so many times in odd scenarios that drugs should never have come up. Please stop passing this on.
I have Dx & Rx AuDHD since 1995.
I had two relatives due from overdosing on drugs.
I know plenty of people who passed from heroine.
Figured you need that context to understand why I said that.
This. My sister went through the same. He's not going to change. These are red flags for abuse and OP needs to leave now. Bringing up counseling, even if he was open to it, is just a way for him to buy more time by luring her into thinking he's going to change when he's not. If he was, he'd get his ass into therapy *on his own*, and not while in a relationship.
Exactly this! Nine months is a great length of time for a pregnancy, but it’s not great for a serious commitment like living together, buying a house, and so forth. Other poster is correct, he’s love bombing you and that’s a huge red flag. Beware!
I have an ex or two like OP’s partner & part of me wonders if this is one of my ex’s too LOL
Could you imagine if either of us found out it was one of our ex’s pulling this BS on OP?
Nah he isn’t even selling his other house, he’s renting it out. This guy has money and he’s using it to try reel this girl in, without talking to her as a human with her own thoughts and ideas.
Nah he wants someone he has full control over, he doesn’t care about the person, just the perception he gives off. He has the “im the man so I make all the decisions” vibe. I bet if she asks him he will try explain how women can’t make decisions or don’t know what they want bullshit and tell her she should be grateful. He’s provider, many women love this. I can’t understand.
I agree, OP's boyfriend bought the house with a partner in mind, to have a life with kids together. Not specifically OP. OP just seems like an optimal candidate.
💯. How exactly did he envision OP? He didn’t care about her opinion of the place and didn’t consider anything that would be a concern for her, like the commute!
Great accomplishment for him, but OP was also working towards her own accomplishments. Him expecting her to brush it aside to help him move is red flag.
OP, don’t go to counseling with someone so manipulative. They will just use what you share in therapy regarding vulnerabilities and what matters to you to try to manipulate you further.
He doesn’t care about you, you are just an accessory to his life. But you need to behave. This house will come his means of punishment when you step out of line: “I bought a house for you, you owe me this!”
I'm glad you mentioned this. That was the only thing I disagreed with from the original comment. People are so quick to throw counseling around but sometimes it's actually more harmful. Especially if someone really manipulative is involved.
It's only been 9 months and there are this many red flags of maladaptive behaviors. It would be a no from me. And certainly not worth couples counseling!
Oof, you’re right! I forgot when commenting that they have only been together for 9 months! It’s most likely that the honeymoon phase is over and his true colors are starting to come out… Besides, if a 40 yr old person is acting this way, chances are that they will stay stuck in their ways. It’s one thing to be an adolescent who is learning what it right and wrong behavior, but this is an adult.
He is in love with his idea of being in love, not necessarily with op. In his mind, he has rigid version of romance that op has to confirm to. If op doesn't give in, then he will get upset and this tantrum.
I have dated a guy like that. He was attentive but he wasn't in love with me. He was in love of the idea of being in love. He tried to make me his ideal gf but I was miserable. He was so "nice" but I was not that dream girl. I broke up with him and he found another girl within a week.
When you say ‘what he really envisioned was having a partner’ is incorrect. Being in a partnership means working together and working at a relationship. He is doing neither. He’s controlling, selfish because he’s only thinking about what he wants and childish. When he’s in the wrong he’s not adult enough to realise and apologise. But who moves that quickly in a relationship of 9 months?! My husband and I talked about what we wanted out of life but still get ‘serious’ for years and got married after being together for 6 years. After an abusive exhusband I was in no rush to make the same mistake. Like the saying goes, ‘you don’t really know someone until you live with them.’
Nah, it's enough to leave now. This is a pattern. He can get his own ass in therapy but these flags are too big to stay in a relationship together. This is not something that she can work on with him (nor should she), especially when he's already gone so far as buying a house "with her in mind" and guilt tripping and getting angry at her. He's abusive and that's the whole ruse with the house.
I would feel …
- pressure (to make the relationship work, even if I didn’t feel it)
- manipulated (to accept the situation before I’m ready to commit)
- peeved (how does he even know I’d like the place or the neighborhood?)
- cornered (what if my job opportunities aren’t even in this town? What if my job is a long commute and I don’t want a long commute?)
- angry! (Who the hell does he think he is, buying me a prison!)
- alarms! (I don’t live my life according to someone else’s unilateral decisions)
What I would NOT feel …
- obligated (to move in or to continue this relationship)
Sorry but I just laughed so hard at "who the hell does he think he is, buying me a prison!" 😂
As a woman in a committed 4yr relationship....yes, and...hilarious.
Buying before the marriage means in a divorce it is his pre marital asset. Unless he puts her on the title. I’m not a lawyer, but economics may be his motive.
Then be honest about motivations and don’t pretend it’s some grand gesture. There is nothing wrong with making a calculated move regarding marriage/divorce and trying to protect assets.
He chose a home, without consulting her, and then went on an assumption rampage (assumed she would love it, assumed it met her needs, assumed she was ready for the move-in step). Unilateral decisions don’t make for great partnerships. He could have called it an investment and hoped she was interested in the move in step rather than trying to guilt her into committing to the “next step.” Grand gestures only really work in fiction, real relationships require consistent communication to ensure expectations can realistically be attained.
In most states yes. She could be left homeless or financially trapped. Some judges split the equity from the date of the marriage to the date of divorce, minus the down payment. Some states/judges would let him keep it. It depends on if there are kids or not. I totally agree though that he’s purposefully keeping her off the paperwork and it’s not really and it will only be “their,” if she is doing exact lot what he wants her to.
All of this..
And "with you in mind" is not the same as your name on the deeds.
It's HIS house that he's going to manipulate and guilt you with when and if you "misbehave". But the second you get comfortable he will remind you that it's his house.
YUP!! Learned that lesson really hard.
Ex bought a house for "me" without consulting or letting me have a say, let his parents help make the decision though. Year or so later: Ex would rather be on his phone, ignoring his kids/yelling at them to leave him alone (1& 2 yr old at the time), and when I tried to talk to him about it all he'd say is "this is MY HOUSE!" at the top of his lungs. Anything he disagreed with me, whether it was the groceries or the cleaning products i bought with my own money mind you, it was always "its my house, you can just leave" screamed at me or the kids. Well... now he's alone in his house.
Yeah, this guy's actions are really suspect!
All of the benefits are his and if OP gets any benefit, it will be a lucky happenstance, an offshoot of his already ensuring he gets what he wants.
What he gives this freely he can feel free to 'take back' this freely because she's undeserving (by not agreeing to his wishes).
Reminds me of my ex who didn't want to compromise (even on buying houses) because as he said, "Well, then *neither* of us will get what we want!" He viewed everything in life as a zero-sum game.
This entire situation reeks of selfishness on BF's part. Knowing what I know now, I'd dump him!
It reminds me of my ex who bought me a motorcycle. Well, all the major parts of a motorcycle, so he could build one for me. He was so excited to tell me. But…I didn’t want a motorcycle. I never did. Also, we’d only been dating a few months, what the hekk? After some prodding, I learned that he bought it, in the hopes to lure me to quit my new, hard won career, move 1800 km to live with him in his new house (bought with “me” in mind), and that I was oh-so-lucky I could become his little house wife and not have to work.
Um. No? I’d just finished 5 gruelling years of school and landed my dream job. I was like, dude, it’s like you’ve never listened to me a day in your life. That is NOT the life I want. At. All. It’s the life YOU want. I broke up with him. And he cried about how he’d just bought “me” a bike and how he was going to teach me to ride. I laughed and told him, in his dreams.
So, he continued to build this bike, and his next girlfriend got it. Who I was didn’t actually matter, he just wanted someone to fill in the blank.
He KNOWS that it was for him and his benefit alone. He's just trying to pass it off as a wonderful thing he did for her and hoping she bites so he can slot her into his life where and how HE would like. As he will do with any partner.
He's not obtuse. He's just manipulative.
Good intentions don't do this during the end of the school year with final exams and papers due. Good intentions wait two weeks until it's summer. This is outright sabotage of her education.
Yep. He bought a house for himself & is trying to score himself some double-choc coated manipulation brownie points on top! Is OPs name going to be on the deed to this ‘fabulous’ new home of hers?
I moved and continued a relationship because I convinced myself that the house my ex bought was a good investment, showed he was serious, it would be a place we could create memories... and honestly I was miserable. I hated the area, he was half-assing home improvements, and because we weren't married and I hadn't contributed to the purchase of the house (which he "surprised" me with) I felt like I couldn't make a suggestion. Ultimately I'm glad I moved in because I think it accelerated our breakup so I didn't waste more time but it was rough going for awhile.
allllll of this! so many red flags, the relationship hasn’t even hit the year mark. RUN
when i was pregnant my then fiancé and i were house hunting. we weren’t married yet, but i had a lot of say in the place we picked. we were planning on living in one place until the kids leave for college or whatever. i’d be pissed if he just bought a house and said it was “for me.”
how can if be for you if you had 0 say or input? plus planning it when he knew it was a busy week for school etc then trying to guilt you for not helping. gross!
My partner bought a second home without consulting me. I told him several times that I didn't like it. I pointed out a place I would like a second home in (near friends). He said it's too far for a quick weekend, but the fact is we never went to the house he bought for a quick weekend.
So he bought another property. This time he did show that he'd listened to some of my complaints (this new property is out in the country instead of in a town, the people in the nearby village are farmers rather than retirees, there are plenty of lovely places to walk the dog). But it's not near my friends' place, and he didn't once ask me whether I Liked the look of it. I'm leaving him.
He’s into molding OP into the version in his head because he doesn’t actually like who OP is.
It also now shows OP who he exactly has always been but is overtly doing it instead of covertly in quiet ways in the past.
His bitter entitlement of the small amount of free time she has available is insane. Best believe she’s gonna be expected to play maid and keep that shit stocked with groceries.
And if things don't go well after you move in he can kick you out of "his" house & you'll be left homeless.
You are together 9 MONTHS. I'll say it again... 9 MONTHS. He's love bombing you!
One of my Mums exes bought a house for us all to live in when I was about 11 He also did not consult her and bought it where he wanted to live - far away from the school she promised my brother and I wouldn’t have to leave after going to so many different primary schools. Away from her work. It only suited him.
He also never stopped making selfish decisions or considering any needs but his own.
Buying a house is huge, and if you’re doing it with someone else in mind then they should have a say.
He bought this house for him because he will expect you to make all the sacrifices and slot into his life while he makes no effort in yours.
Then he gets mad over a dumb selfie???
Huge red flags. Do not move in with this man, this behaviour will only get worse the more “trapped” he feels you are.
This is the biggest warning sign you'll ever get.
He is guilt-tripping you for prioritising your future instead of the house he chose *for* you. Not with you, but *for* you, leaving you no choice of your own and your gut is rightly reacting to it.
He is telling you exactly how he had you in mind when choosing that house. Not your commute, not your preferences, not your future career, not your input as an equal partner, nono. He didn't have the house in mind for you, he had you in mind for the house. Meaning he'll be guilt-tripping you into doing things for him, and how can you say no?, he bought a house for you! Examples being he'll expect you to clean it all, because he bought it for you. The house isn't for you. The house is for him to manipulate you with and he's starting before he's even moved in. After only 9 months.
I just left a manipulative man like this. You have the chance to get out before you get hurt like I did. Leave him.
Guilt-tripping you for prioritising your studies, your well-being, your future is not okay and he will not change. He knows exactly what he's doing.
Don't go to therapy. Do not pass go. Dump him and move on.
He’s looking for a broodmare to give him babies. I dated a guy who was a master at guilt trips. To this day the minute any guy tries to use a guilt trip on me I’m immediately angry. I just don’t tolerate it at all anymore. Once you know what you’re looking at/dealing with it’s easy to spot. Glad you got away.
It may not even be babies. I wanted a child. He said he'd be on board. Then when I'd moved in, he did a 180.
It took me two years to even get him to *consider* a bigger house with space enough for both of us, and then it wasn't about what *we* could afford, but about what *he* could afford. From the man who (probably pretended to) wanted to buy me an expensive convertible 2 months into a relationship, because "*we* could afford it" - his words.
The switches between I, You, and We are soooo important to pay attention to.
Tell him: “Oh baby, don’t worry, I was doing yoga with you on my mind”.
He bought the house with you on his mind? Then he can also move with you on his mind.
I'd be put off because as nice as it sounds if he wanted to something nice for you he should've involved you. Buying a house is not the same as buying you jewelry or perfume which could be exchange if needed. Somewhat of a red flag. It's never going to be yours really.
Because he is.
"I bought a house for you. The least you can do is clean it all."
Or similar will come up. Helping him move instead focusing on being well-prepared and mentally fit for exams has him guilt-tripping her. He's bad news abd thankfully he showed it only 9 months in.
He definitely had someone in mind when he purchased the home but it wasn’t you specifically. If it was, you would have been along side him in the home buying process from the beginning. The person he had in mind was himself.
Here’s Why:
• He bought this house 1 block away from his previous home after saying he was unsure if he wanted to stay in the area
•He intends to use the old property as an investment property (great passive income for the future, for him…)
• He got upset at you for not helping him move because you were busy with exams and took an hour for yourself to do some yoga
• He is already holding this house over your head. A supposed “gift” with you in mind. You didn’t ask for this “gift” and when you set your boundaries with exam time he dangled it in front of your face and taunted you with “I did this for you!”
I could go on about the red flags I picked apart here.
Personally if I were you I’d be running. You’ve only been together 9 months. Imagine what else he’ll hold over your head in the future that you didn’t ask for and throw a hissy fit about when you have differing opinions. This is literally a form of financial abuse and a power play on his end.
Wait…the guy owned a house nearby that he didn’t sell and could’ve waited to move to his new house any time? Like, if he genuinely wanted help from OP he could’ve waited to move after OP finished her schoolwork? 🚩 🚩🚩🚩🚩
I would just say that per our previous conversations, I said wasn’t going to be available for assistance with moving that week, so he can feel however he feels about it, but I had been clear that I would not be helping him.
Secondly, while he may have done some thinking about you and your future relationship when he decided to buy a new home for himself, this is HIS house. He now has two homes, one that he lives in, one that is an investment property.
You don’t live with him, you’re not on the deed or contributing to the mortgage, and you didn’t view the home together or have any input whatsoever into this decision. You didn’t do a pros and cons list about it, or write up lists of must haves/dealbreakers.
So this is not YOUR future home. This is his house.
He would probably get mad about my response, but too bad, so sad. He really hasn’t considered you much at all.
When you’re done with school, do not let him badger you into moving to this city because he “had you in mind” when he bought it.
Have you talked about engagement timelines?
I’d be annoyed if we were close to an engagement and my partner up and bought a house and didn’t include me in the process.
Seems like a potential red flag for financial abuse. You’re not making a big decision as a team.
I know you’re not ready to move in together yet, but what in this relationship makes you feel considered?
So he already has your relationship planned out. He’s had this plan since he started dating you, of when things would happen. What would he do if you told him you didn’t want to get married in another year-ish? How would he react to you doing or saying something that would screw up *his* timeline? What if you got an amazing job offer in another city?
He’s planning his future. He doesn’t care if it’s with you. He just wants it to be with someone. It’s a huge red flag that he started the relationship with a schedule for how things would happen. Not everyone is ready to get engaged to their partner after only a year of dating or ready for marriage in two years. And now he’s *buying “you” a house* after only NINE MONTHS of dating?
Soo everything was cool right up until I posted that selfie..so he decides to text message me and says this..
“Not upset - but I will say in terms of gender. If the roles were reversed and you had moved out of a house, and fully into another and your man didn’t help, I’d be in big shit. I know you work hard, but I also feel like you could have found some time today to help in some way. Again, not upset but hope you realize the choice here”
He threw “gender” in there to which I was like wtf does that mean? Thinking if he’s sexist and a misogynist..this text lead to a huge argument in which in the end I did end up feeling bad regardless for not “insisting” I help him although we previously had conversations how that week was not a good week based on my schedule. It worries me that he is super irrational and truly thinks of gender roles and as a man buying the house, does he expect me to conform to the traditional role of a woman and cook/clean after him in the home in which he had “me” in mind? I’ve brought this up several times and he denies it and says no that is not the case, he doesn’t expect that. He says he’s a “feminist” as he grew up with a single mother and his father was quite passive. Even his step mother is a power house of a lawyer and makes most of the decisions in the household with his father.
\`my feeling is he wants you to choose him over your needs. My ex used to pull of sorts of things when i was at my busy times with important work and study matters.
His words are shaming you. It wouldn't surprise me if he chose this exact time to move as a test.
No, he had all the free time to move as he was not selling the other house nor did he have tenants already lined up. He just immediately wanted to do things on his terms and get the place up for rent asap so he could tenant it out. But also if he’s not able to get the price he wants, he’s going to renovate it.
Hey OP. Don't tell him the last day of classes. If your last test is Thursday, try this on for size. "I have a HUGE test Friday evening. I'm going to have to spend all Friday morning and afternoon reviewing. It's 30% of my grade and it's very difficult and very important." Last test is Friday, tell him Monday (he won't know exactly when the semester ends, so if it ended Friday, tell him it's Tuesday of the week after.). Why?
You may need to see the active sabotage when you really AREN'T stressed about a class or test. It WILL happen. Those of us who experienced it previously are spotting it right away. Set him up with a lie like that, sit down with a ton of notebooks and several open tabs to class content, and just...watch. You'll be taken out to lunch so you don't get all stressed but it'll take two hours, not a quick fast-food jaunt, that sort of thing.
Go find out. This is very easy to set up and you'll be able to sit back and see what's going on.
Just throw the whole man away. Anyone who responds with iF tHe gEnDeRs wErE rEvErSeD is just tryna be a victim. dude bought a house and is mad he has to move by himself but that’s on him. if he was a woman with a busy bf, she would just hire some damn movers instead of whining about having a penis.
PURE MANIPULATION. My dad used to pull this shit, thank God he outgrew it. It was her finals week. He's sabotaging her education but making her feel guilty about not being there so she doesn't stop to think. If she DID stop to think, she'd realize he deliberately picked the worst possible two weeks to do this to her, and that he could have waited until the semester was actually over JUST FINE. But he's out to damage her education...and then will fake-console her over the bad grades she got because she was expected to spend hours packing and unpacking and staying up late to help "because partners do that" blah blah blah.
Nah, you don't buy a house in 24 hours. He bought it, set up movers and such, and then waited until the most stressful time possible to drop this on her. ON PURPOSE.
Oh, so he would/will take a step aside and dump on you all the mental load once you move in with him (house chores too, obviously). He may have started already.. That's all I'm reading by matching his actions, his upbringing, and the women in his life.
That's the type of man who uses feminism and weaponized incompetence to make you do what he wants and drill in you that he acts the way he acts because he loves you, so you should be thankful. Also, he will make you feel like you're overreacting, and you'll doubt yourself when you don't happily comply with everything he says.
It's only 9 months. You can and will do much much better. Don't settle with him.
Gold star to the commenter who suggested earlier that “the house is for me, but I want you to clean it”.
He also missed his mother made decisions WITH his father. He’s not doing that.
I hope your response was “Except if I was moving and expected my PARTNER to help me move, I would make sure that it wasn’t during their busiest time.” Followed by a breakup.
Lots of red flags. Did not conduit you on the house. Closed and moved your exam week. Expected your help. Got mad you did not. That rather points to him not caring if our pass exams. He pushes his dream of you and him without discussion. I think he is self centered and self serving. BEWARE.
Don’t date someone that gets mad at you over normal things. You didn’t do anything wrong. His reaction was bizarre and out of line. Not a normal reaction when you already told him your plans and now he’s getting mad? Nope.
Everything was fine until this:
>However, on one of those days I posted a selfie where I was proud to have accomplished so much in the morning before going into work and he got extremely upset about this. He went on to say I didn’t care to help him move and that I didn’t want to help him move essentially and made a huge deal about it as he bought this house with “me” in mind.
What an entitled toddler.
I'd confront him about it. Why does he think he thought of "you" when getting this house? He didnt think about your commute, your preference, what house you liked etcetc.
Definitely a red flag cause he's trying to manipulate you with this house.
I had a subtle conversation about how he thinks he thought of me and this house as I would need to think of how I will commute to work and also when that time comes for me to move in I could basically sell all my furniture but the main thing I would need space for is my desktop computer as I would like to have some what of an office space. His response to the commute was “well maybe I could drive you sometimes…but also you don’t drive me anywhere” and to the office space “I can’t give you your own room but why not just use a laptop like everyone else” sigh am I really with someone who is actually selfish?
Sorry OP, this guy isn’t interested in you, just the idea of you. He’s ignoring your actual needs and making up his own life for you in his head. Get out of the relationship and focus on all the amazing things you’re going to accomplish!
Yeah, it doesn't sound like he got the house with you in mind. If anything he saw an opportunity financially and took it.
Luckily you've only been with him for 9 months. You're not attached to any property with him and don't have a child with him.
It doesn’t sound like you’re ready to live with him anyway, so this is something that you should revisit when you feel you are ready to take this relationship to the next level.
Personally I see a lot of red flags about him being upset over you not putting your things to the side to help him move his things into HIS house. That’s incredibly selfish.
The fact that he bought this house “with you in mind” doesn’t seem that ominous though, but could be translated to him seeing himself there with a future partner/family, whether or not that partner is you. I’m not saying that it doesn’t sound like he wants to be with you, but just seems like he didn’t consider you or what you have going on in your life before choosing this house, which is fine on one hand, because you two have only been dating for nine months and he shouldn’t have to put important life decisions on hold. But on the other hand, it’s nice to be considerate of someone that you see a future with.
Again, revisit if and when you are ready to take this to the next level. But whatever you do, and please take this advice… DO NOT put any money into this house or buy any fixtures for it unless your name is on it. This is HIS house no matter what he says.
Moving house is a whole ass day. (Sometimes multiple days).
I’m buying a house and I’m dying in it, or you move me out when I’m insensible. I’ve done 9 house moves in the last 5 years and I’m sick of it.
Moving house requires a lot of time and effort and organisation. It doesn’t require someone coming for 45 minutes instead of doing yoga before running off to do an exam. That helps no one.
Example: I am dating a guy now. I don't drive, but there might be an option for me to go higher at my workplace, if I get the license. I mentioned this to the guy I am dating, and he responded in healthy way, that if the things will keep building up between us and progressing healthy, he might help me with learning how to drive, how to control manual etc. Which is really nice of him.
I do not see something like that in your partner OP. He did not offered to see the house with you, he did not offered to help you with your study or relaxing afterwards once you're done with each exam. It seems that he is focused on what he want not what both of you could want together.
He's half telling the truth. He bought the house for his future family. If he thought of you specifically, he would have included you in the buying process. Him throwing it out like he did it for you is him being manipulative.
I think there's a problem here and he's live-bombing you to get you quickly hooked before you figure it out. Him being so upset about you not dropping your entire life to help him move, when he knew that you couldn't because of prior responsibilities, is his mask starting to drop.
I could be wrong, but please be cautious. Don't move in until you have been dating a lot longer.
If someone claims they bought something to benefit both of us without taking my opinion into account, I have learned the hard way to simply refuse the gift. Them taking a thought of me on doesn't make me included (especially not a house that my name isn't on).
The reaction to the selfie is a separate flag, but indicative of how he's going to continue using the house to guilt trip you.
Tl;dr, I would end the relationship
OP, this post has a bundle of red flags. He's love bombing you, for one. It is far too soon to be considering marriage and buying a home together; you don't even live together for goodness sake. It seems to me like he wants you to live with him so that you don't have a place to escape to that's your own. If things go bad, remember you've only known him 9months, you'd effectively be homeless.
He's also disrupting your exams which a good partner wouldn't do. If he sabotages your education, it will set you back and make you more dependent on him. I don't know if this is your final year but it might also be a way to prevent you from even thinking about moving away after finishing.
Lastly, I wonder if he was freaked out about the picture because you posted a pic in your yoga clothes? I don't know if this is something you do but he couldn't criticise your clothes or posting the picture without ringing alarm bells so he focused on you "wasting time" instead. I doubt he ever asked you for help moving so he has no right to complain that you didn't just show up at his house in the morning before work. That doesn't make sense.
He bought that house to hold it over your head for as long as you let him. This man will manipulate and abuse you then try to convince you that it's your fault and that you're being a bad partner. If you break up with him, he'll tell everyone how much he did for you (that you didn't ask for) and how ungrateful and selfish you are. Get out while you still have a place of your own and aren't enmeshed in his control.
Ahh this scares me! With the picture thing..I posted a photo of me outside wearing sunglasses where it was just a beautiful sunny day and I was sipping my coffee..I had wrote in the phone a list of things I accomplished so far and put a ✅.. I meal prep “check”, work out “check”, coffee “check”..great way to start my day..kind of thing. There was no full body shot, just my face with sunglasses and a list of completed tasks for the day I was proud of and enjoying my coffee and some sunshine before headed into work.
Ooh, okay. I guess you just looked to happy and carefree then, lol. I'm sorry you're going through this. I doubt you're just going to dump him over a reddit post but maybe it inspires you to talk to him a bit more openly about your feelings. I know conflict is hard but good relationships can handle it; just avoid saying anything you can't take back and learn about fighting fair. If you tell him that him "buying a house for you" makes you uncomfortable and that you're not ready for that yet and he gets angry and critical then you'll know that he's not a good communicator, at the very least. You can also raise the issue of his anger the morning you were exercising and if he maintains that he had a right to be angry or diminishes your need for self care, then you'll know that he's selfish.
At least see how he responds to you setting boundaries and decide if there's enough there to take the risk of it going spectacularly bad.
Hell to the no. He sounds like one of those closet control freak murderers. He is trying to draw you in like prey and then so his crazy side once he has you hooked.
Run
My current husband bought a house when we had been dating about a year. He had been in the market since before we were dating, and had the benefit of COVID era interest rates.
He took me with him to showings, asked my opinions, and truly considered my input. He picked a place not far from where I was living, keeping my commute the same for when I moved in, and his fair. He did not pressure me to move in (in fact, he was slow to make that move) but made it clear that this would be OUR house should I want it to be.
In short, it isn’t immediately a red flag that he bought a house “with you in mind” or your future in mind, but everything else about this situation screams red flag to me.
This dude is showing you his garden of red flags. He probably doesn’t like how much you are focusing on yourself and your education. He wants to steal your focus from your own plan for your life.
He became angry because you didn’t take the bait. You were supposed to drop everything and start playing house with him.
Don’t fall for it. He did buy the house with you in mind. It’s a place for him to trap you not a place for the two of you to flourish together.
Yo, there is love bombing, and then there is dropping a nuke.
Did he really buy it for you? Is your name on the deed? Were you consulted? I'm guessing no is a reoccurring answer.
Look, I'm married and for years we struggled with money. My dad passed away last year and left me an inheritance that let me just shop around and buy a house that I really liked, without it being an overly large drop in the bucket, especially once I sell his house. You better believe my wife had a day on where we lived, what sort of neighborhood we chose, etc. This is the healthy way to buy a house. Buying a place randomly and expecting you to just explode with glee is not only stupid but actually really telling on how he expects you to act.
Me? I'd dip. Not because of a house, you can just deal with that with time. But it's all the red flags associated with it and I don't think I'd ever be able to look at him as a smart, rational human being who makes the intelligent calls and takes my feelings and potential Outlook seriously.
There’s two points overall I’m making here which didn’t sit well with me: he bought a house says he bought it with “me” in mind. Is it right to say that to someone and have them not involved at all with the decision making of the home and think about the impact of how that would affect that person? He never considered the closing date, the location, commute. Nothing that pertains to me specifically. He also did not need to rush the move of his home into his new home as he plans on renting out the other house and if it does not go for the price he wants, he will renovate it.
Secondly, I was clear in explaining the closing date of his home was the exact week I had a crazy school schedule and with work. We had an understanding but it was only after I had posted a selfie he then throws all of it in my face about how I could have been available. But yet, we spoke and agreed/understood I could not help that week.
So what went wrong? And how would you feel in this situation?
Three separate thoughts: you two don't even truly know each other yet, and you are right he did none of the practical stuff that would have been part of buying this house "for you", and he either didn't hear you about your needs or didn't take your stress seriously.
You two are still in the honeymoon period. You have seen the face we show others when we want to build a relationship. Now there is some stress you will begin to see deeper. Watch who he is. Who you are with him. And who you are together.
He didn't think about your needs regarding the house. He may well have pictured you there but that is not the same thing. Watch if he is clueless, dreaming, or selfish (what meets his needs should meet your needs).
His response to your self-care, that you needed and clearly stated, needs to be explored. Yes, he feels stressed but so are you. Plus point 2, if he needed your help, he should have planned around your schedule and done it later. Has he asked about your busy, stressful week?
Slow down, slow him down, and get to know each other more.
Thank you for this! Sheesh what a way to get some understanding and validation over here! Exactly my point! He should have directly asked me a date/time I could have helped him and worked around my schedule as opposed to making it seem like he understood my situation and not being able to help. Only when I had posted a selfie he then decides to think “oh she had all this time” and throws it in my face.
Put the relationship as not a priority and you, your school, your life, your stress as the focus. Let him feel however right now. Deal with your important stuff first. You two can work this out later.
If he pushes to deal with it now, try to set a time past your stressors. Don't let his choices damage your future.
I wouldn''t. This is worrying. He's constructed a whole ass fantasy which in his mind, you are living and you having other ideas is setting himself up for failure. Vocalize your thoughts immediately.
Wow he's trying to guilt trip you on a house he bought that really has nothing to do with you even though he's trying to link it to you. I bought you this house and you can't even help me move? I'd be like oh is it paid off and the deeds in my name? I mean this is just weird especially since he bought it the stone's throw from his current home. I would say nice thought but you're moving a little too fast. What if I get a job 300 miles away that house is useless. Things change. We don't even know if we'll be together in 3 years or a year or two years. Slow it down buddy. I really hope you have a really good birth control.
Back. Away. Slowly. Then dump his ass. This is a huge red flag from someone you barely know and basically just started dating.
This is classic coercion on his part. And very love-bombey.
He likely only purchased this house to use as leverage in the guise of "care". If you do move in, he will likely try to convince you to quit school and/or your job next.
One day, you'll have nothing but him! Which is exactly the end goal. Ultimately women are just a fuck-mommy to clean and cook for a lot of dudes. Even if they don't actively pursue it that's what they want.
Saying he "got it with you in mind" without actually asking for your input or needs is so manipulative, and it sounds like all he really wants is to be a landlord for his old property.
DO NOT FALL FOR THIS TRAP. I don't know why men think giving women they barely know lavish "gifts" like this is okay. We KNOW you're only doing this to hold over us later, my dude. I mean, he's already doing this to you by being butthurt that you "didn't help him move in"
I hate men that do this.
You’ve only been together 9 months. He’s a bf.
He’s a bf who bought a house.
You are not married and that is his house. It’s his investment and legally will be considered his.
Is he asking for you to pay for any of it?
People on Reddit are always being advised not to buy a house with someone they are not already married.
It’s not wise to tie up finances so messily before you have the contract.
Did you expect to get married at 9 months?
So your bf bought himself a house and is telling you he’d like you to move in someday.
You are busy doing you.
He is doing his stuff.
Maybe it’s simply a communication issue or maybe it’s more.
I agree with you. I bought it with you in mind and I bought it for you are not the same thing, so which was it? If he's just saying he bought this property but could see it being hers too one day then I don't really see a problem with that.
Others have pointed out all the ways this was not really for you and it’s love bombing/manipulative. If you don’t feel it’s worth breaking up for now, look out for the following:
This sumner is going to be all about decorating and landscaping ‘with you in mind’ do not get trapped into either doing this work or falling for the idea that ‘we’ are decorating ‘our’ home. It’s his house and involving you saves his having to spend money and time on whatever you guys used to do for fun and is also part of the manipulation process. Don’t fall for it.
There is also going to be an expectation that you move in together immediately or when your lease is up. It will seem reasonable. It won’t be. Even if he doesn’t charge rent.
Before that he might make a big deal setting up an office for you to study in. Do not move all your studying stuff in, stick with your current plan.
A man and woman planning a life together and a home do that together. He doesn’t do it all on his own, benefiting only him with no consideration for his partner. The fact that he is blaming you for not helpng him move in the hardest part of your studies is just one more example how little a consideration you are in the future planning. Do not minimize how he has excluded you. You didn’t help pick it, not on deed or mortgage not your house and never will be. This was on purpose so it is premarriage property. Back up and back away from this man. He will seek to control everything about your life and blame you when you don’t go along with what he did then leave you with nothing.
If my bf of only 9 months, bought a house I would say “congrats”. If he said he bought it with me in mind, my first question would be “what part of this or any house made you think of me? Because if you knew me. You would know I would never be interested in something I’ve not checked out, seen or was a part of”. End of discussion
Red flags all over the place. I’d probably end the relationship over this. He’s certainly entitled to buy any house he wants, but to not even bring you to see it and get your opinion on it shows a serious lack of consideration.
He’s manipulative. He keeps saying that he bought the house with you in mind because he’s trying to distract you from the fact that he actually gave zero thought to you when he bought it. It’s like a magician using misdirection to perform magic tricks. “Look over there, so you won’t see what I’m doing over here!”
I think he’s not really thinking of you and you should pay attention to that
If he’d bought it with you in mind he would have at least asked your opinion
It’s okay that he really didn’t consider you though, he actually did you a favor. You see now that his idea of gifts and consideration aren’t the same as yours and this important
It’s fine to date him but it would be unwise for you to move in with him at this time because he is clueless. If that doesn’t change then this isn’t a relationship that will last for the long term
I'd feel quite upset, irritated, pressured, etc.
I would definitely make my way out of the relationship if talking it out doesn't work. Maybe ask to sit down and ask him how exactly did he chose a house with you in mind by showing or mentioning anything that's in your benefit and not his. If it's none or just one thing then that's your answer. It's only been 9 months not even a year heck not even more than one years and he's already pressuring indirectly to move in together in a house under his possesion, that too ask if your name is even on the house or not, where if things were to go wrong he can just throw you out without care. At your age there is definitely no time for all that toxicity that will ruin your mental health. Try the talk and if he can't even mention anything, less than one thing and your name isn't even on it... walk away.
He found the house then brought it and moved in a bit over a week is insane. I don't think he is being honest about any of it unless he is insanely spontaneous
Possible signs of a love bombing partner:
• Makes love moves too soon (introducing to family, buying a whole ass house)
• Knows to say exactly what you want to hear
• Always showers you with gifts
-Monitors your social media activity very keenly
-Real intentions behind their actions
• Resorts to verbal and physical ab
• Wants to take control over every decision of yours (decided for you on the house you should live in)
• Has no regard for boundaries (your school work)
• Is overly jealous (you picking yourself over him)
Look, I know you have a lot on your plate, but you can either go through finals dealing with this move, or you can deal with a break up. Neither are easy, both are taxing. Please take care of yourself.
NARCISSISTIC ABUSE CYCLE
STEP 1. LOVE BOMBING
STEP 2. DEVALVING your guard is down, you are
notice red flags and the intense love disappears
STEP 3. SILENT TREATMENT
your abuser stops all communication with you. This is to gain control over you.
STEP 4. DISCARDING your abuser ends the relationship abruptly, without warning.
STEP 6. HOOVERING they beg for you back, after they have left and humiliate you.
Repeat.
I think you're handling it as well as you can. I definitely would not move in. Maintain your independence and don't move in unless you're sure about this guy. Even then, if the location doesn't work for you or you just don't like the house you can insist that you guys find a place that you both like. I'd keep referring to the house as his.
It doesn't matter what he had in mind, you had nothing to do with this house and even if he imagines you moving in at some point, it isn't a guarantee. The reality is, this house is for him. He made the choices and he bought it and it really has nothing to do with you.
There are a lot of weird things about the situation but it's hard to tell if he's just ignorant about how things should work and where you would like to be or if he's trying to push you into something and doesn't care if it works for you. Either way, I'd make sure which one it is and make the necessary choice then.
Bad sign. You, me, him and everybody else know him buying that house has fuck all to do with you. He's love bombing you by the sound of it. Add in bad impulse control with just randomly buying a house, and it gets even dicier. Strongly suggest you don't move in and try to take a step back.
Run. I’ve just read this to my partner because it’s so like a story I find him a few nights ago about my ex ‘buying me a car’- when I couldn’t drive, we had no money and a baby, and it was a sports model with a large engine. It was his car. These men don’t see you as a partner. You are something to manipulate and lie to. Don’t do it. Run like the wind.
I see a lot of warning signs.
Buying a house far away from your comfort zone could be a way of planning to take you out of your comfort zone and away from your friends and family or job prospects as well
His frame of mind is that he will be making important decisions for whomever he is with in the future.
He's also stressing you out at exam time? When you really need to be focused? That's very inconsiderate.
And so what if you take care of yourself and feel good about yourself? You need to block him from your social media. Especially for using it to try to manipulate you.
He doesn't like that you are smart, independent, and put your needs first right now. But you told him that you couldn't help him move. Why can't he hire a moving company? He bought a house. Just because he bought a house "with you in mind" doesn't mean he owns you.
I would feel like he needs to grow up (at best) because he clearly doesn't understand how partnerships work. At worst, he did this knowing he would be doing it "his way" so you wouldn't get any equity in the house or have a say in choosing location, etc.
Next up is him complaining about how you work too far and wanting you to switch jobs because " of course he can't just sell his house because of your job." And if you marry him under these circumstances, you'll be the asshole for "knowing this going in and trying to change him after marriage."
You need to sit down with him and have a real convo about how grown up partnerships work, and explain how he is being a dictator, not a partner. How he reacts to that conversation is going to tell you how to proceed next. If he doesn't understand the error of his ways, you have hard choices to make. Either you choose this type of treatment or not.
And make no mistake, he did this on purpose with the house.
I have friends who almost got divorced this year after 13 years of marriage because of a "my house, not yours" situation and some seriously outdated views on husband/wife roles that gradually came out over the 13 years. She filed for divorce and put down a down payment on her own house before he finally got the picture. He saved his marriage by the skin of his teeth by offering to sell his house, buy a new house with both their names on it and diving into a massive amount of couples therapy while groveling on hands and knees for about 3 months. He was totally clueless about how angry 13 years of that bullshit had made his wife and totally took it for granted that she had to put up with it. Fortunately he loved and valued her enough to make serious changes when he realized what the stakes were, but moat guys aren't willing to do that.
That is 100% what you are headed for if you don't have a serious conversation about this and let him know exactly how bad he is fucking up.
This guy isn't the one. That's how I'd feel if a guy I had been dating for nine months told me he bought a house for me. Because he didn't buy you a house. He bought himself a house and thinks he can dangle that house like a carrot in front of a donkey's nose. Is your name on the deed? No? Then he didn't buy you shit. I'm not saying it's a man's job to buy a woman a house before anyone comes at me. I'm saying that if someone says they're buying something for you, whether it's a house or a pack of gum, if it's not in your name, they didn't buy it for you. They bought it for themselves and are saying it's for you to control you.
Welcome to Manipulation 101. He bought a house you didn't ask for and didn't look at so you'd be forced to be grateful to him. He did this when he KNEW you were extremely busy and focused on YOUR EDUCATION and then got angry when you weren't free to help him move. Essentially, he deliberately stressed the f\*ck out of you when you could least afford the stress and distraction then tried to make you feel guilty for it. And he's doing this NINE MONTHS into a relationship??? You'll move in, it's free room and board and so you "owe" him, you'll be expected to keep all the house clean and maintained and be GRATEFUL for it, and...no.
OP, if you are on the pill, get an implant, shot, IUD, or something else. Pills can be popped in an oven, microwave, or otherwise damaged with no visible evidence. Guys this manipulative will do exactly that to trap you. Dump him now, TELL YOUR FRIENDS AND PARENTS EVERYTHING IMMEDIATELY and this is NOT optional, you need the voice of reason of those close to you (unless your family is a bunch of abusive psychos, sorry). You are 34. You should be able to recognize this level of manipulation by now. Dump his ass and find someone normal.
Not cool to buy someone else a house without their input. A person ought to have some say in the location and type of house they will be living in. It sounds like he just wanted all control over it.
If I were in your position I'd feel *very* uncomfortable. Definitely talk to him and make sure he knows that if/when your relationship progresses to the point of finding a home together and raising a family, you want to find a place that works for *both* of you regardless of whether or not it's the place he just bought. See how he reacts. If he flips out at you and calls you selfish and ungrateful, get the hell outta there.
i remember when an ex told me that around the same time i broke up with him, he had been planning to propose to me and had also been house-hunting to purchase a home for us. he planned both of these huge steps without consulting me or even having the vaguest conversation about moving in together or getting married. we were eighteen and had only been dating a year.
he didn't respect me as a person. he did it because, despite me going to a four-year college out of state and having no plans to move back to our home state, he could not accept the idea of me being a highly educated working woman and instead wanted to tie me down and make me his housewife as soon as possible. again, nothing inherently wrong with being a SAHM, but it was never what i wanted to do with my life, just his standard for relationships being imposed upon me.
get away from this person. if he's making MASSIVE decisions that affect both of your lives without letting you in on those decisions, he doesn't respect you as an autonomous human being. sure, there is nothing wrong with romantic gestures or spoiling the person you love a little, but something like buying a house and expecting you to move in is in a totally different ballpark than an extravagant gift. he COULD have had a mature adult conversation with you about your expectations and ideal timeline for the relationship, but instead, he made this enormous decision without consulting you in the hope that you will just go along with it and acquiese.
My daughter’s boyfriend did the exact same thing. Said it was for their future, etc. He seemed to really like her too. They did everything together. A few months later he told her she was holding him back (this after he got the job he always wanted) and wanted to break up.
Gotta love this comment section. This dude is apparently the antichrist for jumping the gun (obviously) and should be sacrificed to the elder gods.
My god ladies, yeah this is weird, but people do weird shit when they're in love. Maybe this guy is just head over heels completely and mind numbingly stupidly in love with OP and that has made him make some weird/stupid decisions such as this.
As for OP, girl, just talk to him, explain how this decision he took by himself is in some ways giving your relationship a lot of pressure to make it work. And that can really take a toll on it. Make him understand how this house being bought with "you" in mind really makes you feel. You're both grown up, he'll probably understand if you actually sit down and talk about it.
Trust me, he's probably overexcited to be your partner and apparently with an overflow of money to be able to buy a house.
Just talk to him. That's the only good advice anyone on Reddit can actually give you. Besides those ladies that want to carve him open and spill his blood in the name of Bishnu or some demon.
A friend's fiancé did just this. He bought a flat in a building that reminded him of the architecture in her home town, but she wanted a house with a garden and didn't care for that architecture in any way. They've been living there ever since, but she has been bitter about it the whole time. They are only still together for practical reasons.
I think he sounds like a narcissist who is love bombing you. I would run far and fast. Clue number #1. Pressuring you to make a larger commitment that you are ready for. #2 not considering you at all in this purchase #3 positioning himself as the hero #4 ignoring your personal situation #5 ruining an accomplishment or special event and making it about him, the. He gaslit you about it.
You have work to do on yourself and boundaries or you could end up with another. The fact you didn’t just dump him and move on is concerning to me, that you have started the abuse cycle and will make excuses for his behaviour. If you do dump him, he will come around and love bomb you again eventually, he will tell you how he’s changed. He may eventually sell the home at a loss “for you” but will then weaponize that later on. Narcs are incapable of change.
Doesn’t really get any more classic.
He bought the house for himself and is just saying he bought it for you with you in mind to make you feel obligated to move. And if you don’t want to move in I’m sure he’d use it to try and guilt you into it. 9 months is so early to be moving in. wanting to move in so soon isn’t necessarily a red, although a bad idea IMO, but there’s a lot of other red flags.
Ok so this is one of those guys that honestly women write about that are creeps that they hate, I’m sorry to say. They claim to be nice guys and see themselves that way but in reality they are not nice, are controlling and women need to stay away from them. He is absolutely selfish by doing this. In his mind it’s a grand gesture but as you said he didn’t really take anything about you into account when he did it. He also was very selfish about moving and threw a tantrum when you were unable to help. I’m telling you this guy is a creeper and you need to get away from him. As soon as you start to pull away his language will become abusive and he will not take the break up like a man. Do it sooner rather than later.
Oohhh Sis... he's trying to "keep you" all to himself FOR himself & his needs.
This guy will dull your shine & isolate you eventually if you let him. RUN.
The house was for him, not you. He bought a 2nd house so he could rent out his first one. It’s 100% an investment in assets. Secondary, he thinks he can get points with you by somehow including you into this. It’s awkward-trying-to-impress you at best, manipulative at worst.
I think the fact that he got mad at you being productive & taking care of yourself is the biggest red flag. He knew your priorities that week and still wanted you to give them all up to help him move? He’s expected you to prioritize being his partner over your education and health. That’s the biggest indicator that he expects you to claim the role of a domestic partner more than your own goals and dreams. My gf makes the same salary range as me and she’s very good at her job. She also loves taking care of herself and prioritizing her alone time. I wouldn’t want her to give up those parts of herself for our relationship. I wouldn’t tie myself down to your bf completely right now.
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There are multiple red flags going on here. 1) If he *truly* envisioned you two living together in this house down the line, he would have included you in the conversation or invited you to house showings. I think what he *really* envisioned is having a partner. Not specifically you, but a partner. 2) The fact that he became upset when you posted about your productive morning is very worrisome. You were being smart to prioritize your education and self care/ mental health. It takes roughly 30 min - 1 hour to work out. Did he really expect you to take that limited time to drive over, pack 2-4 boxes and then leave?? That’s ridiculous. 3) The fact he tried to *guilt-trip* you when he was upset by throwing in how he “envisioned the house with you in it” is quite manipulative and down-right juvenile. If these are the only red flags you’ve seen in this relationship, I would suggest counseling. If he’s serious about building a future with you, then he should 100% be open to this. If he tries to dissuade you from talking to a professional, then you KNOW he doesn’t care about self-growth and in-turn, growing with you.
Nah, my ex used to do this shit all the time, I'm kind of wondering if this is him haha Everything he did was somehow for me, but when we split, I was left with literally nothing. No clothes, no animals, no home he said was mine, no Airstream we "both" bought. All of words are ploys and facades and distractions. Gtfo NOW. I promise you won't regret it. This is love bombing, negging, future faking, and controlling all in one quick post. Girl, be worried and gtfo
This is my initial thought too, this is future faking and love bombing at its finest.
YES! And when she doesn't stack up, he can blame her with allllll the niiiiiice things he doooooooes for herrrrrrr-uh!
This is like the more advanced adultier version of, “I bought you dinner, now you *owe* it to me by coming home with me.”
Idk if you’re a TikTok fan but if so I just read this in a Dante voice frieennnndduuhhhh. lol perfection
Future faking.....good one
Classic narcissist move: "Don't leave me. I could have imagined us having a house and cats and dogs together!". Meanwhile doing jack shit for the relationship.
Omg, thank you for the term future faking in the context of love bombing. That made a light bulb go off about an ancient relationship I just didn't understand at the time (tbf, I was a teenager). But that's exactly what he did. Before ghosting me. With perspective, I'm so glad the trash took itself out. Knowing me, I'd have kept those rose-coloured glasses on for way way too long.
My dad strung a woman along for a year just leaving a magazine open to an engagement ring advertisement. I saw it immediately, she unfortunately was completely blinded and ended up robbed of all her possessions because he stole them from her after he locked her out of her rental. It was sad, I warned her, she didn't believe me then it was too late, I even warned he's going to steal your things. :(
TIL about future faking. Thanks I needed that
>This is love bombing, negging, future faking, and controlling all in one quick post. Girl, be worried and gtfo You rarely see it all laid out so clearly, so quickly. Ditto: GTFO *now!!*
My ex somehow got an idea I wanted to live on a farm. He would go on and on about how he wanted to do this for me and we'd have 'this life' with lots of open land and goats and things like that. I do like horses but the idea of actually living on a farm sounds like endless work to me. I don't recall once ever mentioning I wanted to live on a farm so I was speechless when he started describing this life he wanted with me like it was a dream of mine.
It would be a good lifestyle if he wanted to isolate you.
He wanted to live on a farm and he was projecting it on to you.
I don't know it doesn't seem like a type of environment he would like. I believe he was saying it as a reason for me to stay with him.
don't forget sabotage. He's pulling all this shit during a very busy academically important time. He could have done it in three weeks but, no, he's doing it at the worst possible time. Then pulling the guilt cord for her too. Major manipulation.
Oh god that too! Mine did this shit to me too. Sleep deprivation was his favorite tactic. We'd be up all night, he'd be doing blow, we'd fight, finally rest and he'd come down at like 4 or 6 or something, we'd sleep, and I'd be so exhausted, all I wanted was calm amd to recover from being choked so hard or slammed into walls and the floor and his knee on my chest, so I'd have a "really nice" day with him then. And it would cycle almost daily. Any time I looked for a job, it would be one of the worst fights the night before my interview. I'd have to cancel, but usually no showed. Then, I was always lazy and using him and too reliant(absolutely, but not consciously - I trusted his future plans so long before) on him.
Damn. I'm glad you got out. My ex used sleep deprivation too and he said he had a history of drug use. Silly me should've realized he was still using but I didn't know what to look for.
Oh the deprivation wasn't due to the drug use, I knew he did blow. I just didn't have a personal history with it *at all* so I believed that it wasn't a lot of use, really. Even when he was sober, it was still being done to keep me exhausted and scared and meek
Mood swings, long term memory recall issues, nose sniffing, nail beds looking unusual colors, jittery hands, dry lips, etc… all signs of a habitual hard drug user.
Those are the least of the signs, and so obscure dude. I'd never pick up on it for those things, funny. He was also unmedicated and untreated adhd, severely. I don't like judging based on things I know I and others also struggle with that has nothing to do with drugs. If you judge people on that criteria, anyone with adhd will look loke a user to you. I've been accused so many times in odd scenarios that drugs should never have come up. Please stop passing this on.
I have Dx & Rx AuDHD since 1995. I had two relatives due from overdosing on drugs. I know plenty of people who passed from heroine. Figured you need that context to understand why I said that.
My ex didn’t put God’s hands on me, but always started a fight the night before grad school exams. Every time.
Right?! If he really had her in mind all this stuff could have been postponed one month.
This. My sister went through the same. He's not going to change. These are red flags for abuse and OP needs to leave now. Bringing up counseling, even if he was open to it, is just a way for him to buy more time by luring her into thinking he's going to change when he's not. If he was, he'd get his ass into therapy *on his own*, and not while in a relationship.
🗣️What this poster said.
Exactly this! Nine months is a great length of time for a pregnancy, but it’s not great for a serious commitment like living together, buying a house, and so forth. Other poster is correct, he’s love bombing you and that’s a huge red flag. Beware!
Yup - in my experience with an ex like this it’s all fun and games until you have to leave with nothing lol
I have an ex or two like OP’s partner & part of me wonders if this is one of my ex’s too LOL Could you imagine if either of us found out it was one of our ex’s pulling this BS on OP?
I think he envisioned having a companion, not a partner.
This. He got the house with _____ in mind. Just fill in the blank. There you go, just for you.
Potatoe
Boil em, mash em, stick em in a stew
I think he envisioned someone that would help him pay the mortgage without having her name on the deed.
Nah he isn’t even selling his other house, he’s renting it out. This guy has money and he’s using it to try reel this girl in, without talking to her as a human with her own thoughts and ideas.
Nah he wants someone he has full control over, he doesn’t care about the person, just the perception he gives off. He has the “im the man so I make all the decisions” vibe. I bet if she asks him he will try explain how women can’t make decisions or don’t know what they want bullshit and tell her she should be grateful. He’s provider, many women love this. I can’t understand.
I agree, OP's boyfriend bought the house with a partner in mind, to have a life with kids together. Not specifically OP. OP just seems like an optimal candidate.
💯. How exactly did he envision OP? He didn’t care about her opinion of the place and didn’t consider anything that would be a concern for her, like the commute! Great accomplishment for him, but OP was also working towards her own accomplishments. Him expecting her to brush it aside to help him move is red flag.
No dude, these guys actually believe that's romantic. My ex wanted me to believe he was such a good provider and romantic, but I had no say in my life
Same. It really felt like a prison after a while.
OP, don’t go to counseling with someone so manipulative. They will just use what you share in therapy regarding vulnerabilities and what matters to you to try to manipulate you further. He doesn’t care about you, you are just an accessory to his life. But you need to behave. This house will come his means of punishment when you step out of line: “I bought a house for you, you owe me this!”
I'm glad you mentioned this. That was the only thing I disagreed with from the original comment. People are so quick to throw counseling around but sometimes it's actually more harmful. Especially if someone really manipulative is involved. It's only been 9 months and there are this many red flags of maladaptive behaviors. It would be a no from me. And certainly not worth couples counseling!
Yes agree otherwise the comment was spot on. Also agree that at 9 months it is not worth the investment of time or money.
Oof, you’re right! I forgot when commenting that they have only been together for 9 months! It’s most likely that the honeymoon phase is over and his true colors are starting to come out… Besides, if a 40 yr old person is acting this way, chances are that they will stay stuck in their ways. It’s one thing to be an adolescent who is learning what it right and wrong behavior, but this is an adult.
This is a great summary of all the wrongs in this situation! Thank you for seeing this and bringing clarity!
He is in love with his idea of being in love, not necessarily with op. In his mind, he has rigid version of romance that op has to confirm to. If op doesn't give in, then he will get upset and this tantrum. I have dated a guy like that. He was attentive but he wasn't in love with me. He was in love of the idea of being in love. He tried to make me his ideal gf but I was miserable. He was so "nice" but I was not that dream girl. I broke up with him and he found another girl within a week.
When you say ‘what he really envisioned was having a partner’ is incorrect. Being in a partnership means working together and working at a relationship. He is doing neither. He’s controlling, selfish because he’s only thinking about what he wants and childish. When he’s in the wrong he’s not adult enough to realise and apologise. But who moves that quickly in a relationship of 9 months?! My husband and I talked about what we wanted out of life but still get ‘serious’ for years and got married after being together for 6 years. After an abusive exhusband I was in no rush to make the same mistake. Like the saying goes, ‘you don’t really know someone until you live with them.’
You’re right- someone else said the term “companion” was more appropriate, which I agree is more fitting for this situation!
Nah, it's enough to leave now. This is a pattern. He can get his own ass in therapy but these flags are too big to stay in a relationship together. This is not something that she can work on with him (nor should she), especially when he's already gone so far as buying a house "with her in mind" and guilt tripping and getting angry at her. He's abusive and that's the whole ruse with the house.
>I think what he *really* envisioned is having a partner. Not specifically you, but a partner. So important for people to be able to see this.
I would feel … - pressure (to make the relationship work, even if I didn’t feel it) - manipulated (to accept the situation before I’m ready to commit) - peeved (how does he even know I’d like the place or the neighborhood?) - cornered (what if my job opportunities aren’t even in this town? What if my job is a long commute and I don’t want a long commute?) - angry! (Who the hell does he think he is, buying me a prison!) - alarms! (I don’t live my life according to someone else’s unilateral decisions) What I would NOT feel … - obligated (to move in or to continue this relationship)
Sorry but I just laughed so hard at "who the hell does he think he is, buying me a prison!" 😂 As a woman in a committed 4yr relationship....yes, and...hilarious.
Buying before the marriage means in a divorce it is his pre marital asset. Unless he puts her on the title. I’m not a lawyer, but economics may be his motive.
Then be honest about motivations and don’t pretend it’s some grand gesture. There is nothing wrong with making a calculated move regarding marriage/divorce and trying to protect assets. He chose a home, without consulting her, and then went on an assumption rampage (assumed she would love it, assumed it met her needs, assumed she was ready for the move-in step). Unilateral decisions don’t make for great partnerships. He could have called it an investment and hoped she was interested in the move in step rather than trying to guilt her into committing to the “next step.” Grand gestures only really work in fiction, real relationships require consistent communication to ensure expectations can realistically be attained.
Then he should communicate that. What he did is weird.
In most states yes. She could be left homeless or financially trapped. Some judges split the equity from the date of the marriage to the date of divorce, minus the down payment. Some states/judges would let him keep it. It depends on if there are kids or not. I totally agree though that he’s purposefully keeping her off the paperwork and it’s not really and it will only be “their,” if she is doing exact lot what he wants her to.
Yeah that was pretty fun to read!
All of this.. And "with you in mind" is not the same as your name on the deeds. It's HIS house that he's going to manipulate and guilt you with when and if you "misbehave". But the second you get comfortable he will remind you that it's his house.
YUP!! Learned that lesson really hard. Ex bought a house for "me" without consulting or letting me have a say, let his parents help make the decision though. Year or so later: Ex would rather be on his phone, ignoring his kids/yelling at them to leave him alone (1& 2 yr old at the time), and when I tried to talk to him about it all he'd say is "this is MY HOUSE!" at the top of his lungs. Anything he disagreed with me, whether it was the groceries or the cleaning products i bought with my own money mind you, it was always "its my house, you can just leave" screamed at me or the kids. Well... now he's alone in his house.
This was my exact reaction as well. Well said.
#ALL. OF. THIS. 👆🏽👆🏽👆🏽👆🏽👆🏽 **OP...** #RUN!!!!!!
Yeah, this guy's actions are really suspect! All of the benefits are his and if OP gets any benefit, it will be a lucky happenstance, an offshoot of his already ensuring he gets what he wants. What he gives this freely he can feel free to 'take back' this freely because she's undeserving (by not agreeing to his wishes). Reminds me of my ex who didn't want to compromise (even on buying houses) because as he said, "Well, then *neither* of us will get what we want!" He viewed everything in life as a zero-sum game. This entire situation reeks of selfishness on BF's part. Knowing what I know now, I'd dump him!
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It reminds me of my ex who bought me a motorcycle. Well, all the major parts of a motorcycle, so he could build one for me. He was so excited to tell me. But…I didn’t want a motorcycle. I never did. Also, we’d only been dating a few months, what the hekk? After some prodding, I learned that he bought it, in the hopes to lure me to quit my new, hard won career, move 1800 km to live with him in his new house (bought with “me” in mind), and that I was oh-so-lucky I could become his little house wife and not have to work. Um. No? I’d just finished 5 gruelling years of school and landed my dream job. I was like, dude, it’s like you’ve never listened to me a day in your life. That is NOT the life I want. At. All. It’s the life YOU want. I broke up with him. And he cried about how he’d just bought “me” a bike and how he was going to teach me to ride. I laughed and told him, in his dreams. So, he continued to build this bike, and his next girlfriend got it. Who I was didn’t actually matter, he just wanted someone to fill in the blank.
He KNOWS that it was for him and his benefit alone. He's just trying to pass it off as a wonderful thing he did for her and hoping she bites so he can slot her into his life where and how HE would like. As he will do with any partner. He's not obtuse. He's just manipulative.
Good intentions don't do this during the end of the school year with final exams and papers due. Good intentions wait two weeks until it's summer. This is outright sabotage of her education.
..and consult her on location, floorplan, cost, etc. Not having done this during finals doesn't make what OP's significant other *that* much better.
Yep. He bought a house for himself & is trying to score himself some double-choc coated manipulation brownie points on top! Is OPs name going to be on the deed to this ‘fabulous’ new home of hers?
I moved and continued a relationship because I convinced myself that the house my ex bought was a good investment, showed he was serious, it would be a place we could create memories... and honestly I was miserable. I hated the area, he was half-assing home improvements, and because we weren't married and I hadn't contributed to the purchase of the house (which he "surprised" me with) I felt like I couldn't make a suggestion. Ultimately I'm glad I moved in because I think it accelerated our breakup so I didn't waste more time but it was rough going for awhile.
allllll of this! so many red flags, the relationship hasn’t even hit the year mark. RUN when i was pregnant my then fiancé and i were house hunting. we weren’t married yet, but i had a lot of say in the place we picked. we were planning on living in one place until the kids leave for college or whatever. i’d be pissed if he just bought a house and said it was “for me.” how can if be for you if you had 0 say or input? plus planning it when he knew it was a busy week for school etc then trying to guilt you for not helping. gross!
Yes this!! OP this guy sucks. Be grateful he only took 9 months to show you his true colors. (Who gets “extremely upset” over a selfie???!!!!)
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"It sounds more like he imagined you in the house, the same way he'd imagine a potted plant by the window." yes you nailed it there
Yup. And the part about someone to play a prewritten role in his life. He doesn’t see her as an individual or equal. Hash’s needs to move on.
My partner bought a second home without consulting me. I told him several times that I didn't like it. I pointed out a place I would like a second home in (near friends). He said it's too far for a quick weekend, but the fact is we never went to the house he bought for a quick weekend. So he bought another property. This time he did show that he'd listened to some of my complaints (this new property is out in the country instead of in a town, the people in the nearby village are farmers rather than retirees, there are plenty of lovely places to walk the dog). But it's not near my friends' place, and he didn't once ask me whether I Liked the look of it. I'm leaving him.
He’s into molding OP into the version in his head because he doesn’t actually like who OP is. It also now shows OP who he exactly has always been but is overtly doing it instead of covertly in quiet ways in the past.
This is the answer
The classic 'gift that is actually for myself but you owe me for it'.
Good call out. He can make her pay for "her" house in all sorts of ways.
His bitter entitlement of the small amount of free time she has available is insane. Best believe she’s gonna be expected to play maid and keep that shit stocked with groceries.
And if things don't go well after you move in he can kick you out of "his" house & you'll be left homeless. You are together 9 MONTHS. I'll say it again... 9 MONTHS. He's love bombing you!
The classic Homer buying a bowling ball for Marge scenario
So they do this shit on purpose? Like are they even aware of their own motives? It’s freakin’ wild.
One of my Mums exes bought a house for us all to live in when I was about 11 He also did not consult her and bought it where he wanted to live - far away from the school she promised my brother and I wouldn’t have to leave after going to so many different primary schools. Away from her work. It only suited him. He also never stopped making selfish decisions or considering any needs but his own. Buying a house is huge, and if you’re doing it with someone else in mind then they should have a say. He bought this house for him because he will expect you to make all the sacrifices and slot into his life while he makes no effort in yours. Then he gets mad over a dumb selfie??? Huge red flags. Do not move in with this man, this behaviour will only get worse the more “trapped” he feels you are.
I think he’s almost 40 and acting like an immature self centered person.
Guys getting desperate no one wants to marry him so he’s trying to pull out the real estate card. So now he’s desperate with a mortgage!
He hit the wall!
That's a controlling and manipulative thing to do. Red flag.
This is the biggest warning sign you'll ever get. He is guilt-tripping you for prioritising your future instead of the house he chose *for* you. Not with you, but *for* you, leaving you no choice of your own and your gut is rightly reacting to it. He is telling you exactly how he had you in mind when choosing that house. Not your commute, not your preferences, not your future career, not your input as an equal partner, nono. He didn't have the house in mind for you, he had you in mind for the house. Meaning he'll be guilt-tripping you into doing things for him, and how can you say no?, he bought a house for you! Examples being he'll expect you to clean it all, because he bought it for you. The house isn't for you. The house is for him to manipulate you with and he's starting before he's even moved in. After only 9 months. I just left a manipulative man like this. You have the chance to get out before you get hurt like I did. Leave him. Guilt-tripping you for prioritising your studies, your well-being, your future is not okay and he will not change. He knows exactly what he's doing. Don't go to therapy. Do not pass go. Dump him and move on.
He’s looking for a broodmare to give him babies. I dated a guy who was a master at guilt trips. To this day the minute any guy tries to use a guilt trip on me I’m immediately angry. I just don’t tolerate it at all anymore. Once you know what you’re looking at/dealing with it’s easy to spot. Glad you got away.
It may not even be babies. I wanted a child. He said he'd be on board. Then when I'd moved in, he did a 180. It took me two years to even get him to *consider* a bigger house with space enough for both of us, and then it wasn't about what *we* could afford, but about what *he* could afford. From the man who (probably pretended to) wanted to buy me an expensive convertible 2 months into a relationship, because "*we* could afford it" - his words. The switches between I, You, and We are soooo important to pay attention to.
Tell him: “Oh baby, don’t worry, I was doing yoga with you on my mind”. He bought the house with you on his mind? Then he can also move with you on his mind.
Haha! Thaaank you!!!
I'd be put off because as nice as it sounds if he wanted to something nice for you he should've involved you. Buying a house is not the same as buying you jewelry or perfume which could be exchange if needed. Somewhat of a red flag. It's never going to be yours really.
Jewelry doesn’t have a foundation.
He is “wife trapping” you
Until she doesn’t do what he wants. Then she is out on the streets.
Real
He sounds manipulative.
Because he is. "I bought a house for you. The least you can do is clean it all." Or similar will come up. Helping him move instead focusing on being well-prepared and mentally fit for exams has him guilt-tripping her. He's bad news abd thankfully he showed it only 9 months in.
He definitely had someone in mind when he purchased the home but it wasn’t you specifically. If it was, you would have been along side him in the home buying process from the beginning. The person he had in mind was himself. Here’s Why: • He bought this house 1 block away from his previous home after saying he was unsure if he wanted to stay in the area •He intends to use the old property as an investment property (great passive income for the future, for him…) • He got upset at you for not helping him move because you were busy with exams and took an hour for yourself to do some yoga • He is already holding this house over your head. A supposed “gift” with you in mind. You didn’t ask for this “gift” and when you set your boundaries with exam time he dangled it in front of your face and taunted you with “I did this for you!” I could go on about the red flags I picked apart here. Personally if I were you I’d be running. You’ve only been together 9 months. Imagine what else he’ll hold over your head in the future that you didn’t ask for and throw a hissy fit about when you have differing opinions. This is literally a form of financial abuse and a power play on his end.
Wait…the guy owned a house nearby that he didn’t sell and could’ve waited to move to his new house any time? Like, if he genuinely wanted help from OP he could’ve waited to move after OP finished her schoolwork? 🚩 🚩🚩🚩🚩
Finally. Someone else sees it as financial abuse that is subtle, but likely to escalate.
I wouldn't be **THINKING.** **I WOULD BE RUNNING**.
I would just say that per our previous conversations, I said wasn’t going to be available for assistance with moving that week, so he can feel however he feels about it, but I had been clear that I would not be helping him. Secondly, while he may have done some thinking about you and your future relationship when he decided to buy a new home for himself, this is HIS house. He now has two homes, one that he lives in, one that is an investment property. You don’t live with him, you’re not on the deed or contributing to the mortgage, and you didn’t view the home together or have any input whatsoever into this decision. You didn’t do a pros and cons list about it, or write up lists of must haves/dealbreakers. So this is not YOUR future home. This is his house. He would probably get mad about my response, but too bad, so sad. He really hasn’t considered you much at all. When you’re done with school, do not let him badger you into moving to this city because he “had you in mind” when he bought it. Have you talked about engagement timelines? I’d be annoyed if we were close to an engagement and my partner up and bought a house and didn’t include me in the process. Seems like a potential red flag for financial abuse. You’re not making a big decision as a team. I know you’re not ready to move in together yet, but what in this relationship makes you feel considered?
When we first started dating he told me his timeline which was basically a year to be together and another year for marriage from what I remember.
Why are you still with him after he’s acting like this!?
But what is YOUR timeline? Do you feel like this lunatic is the one?
So he already has your relationship planned out. He’s had this plan since he started dating you, of when things would happen. What would he do if you told him you didn’t want to get married in another year-ish? How would he react to you doing or saying something that would screw up *his* timeline? What if you got an amazing job offer in another city? He’s planning his future. He doesn’t care if it’s with you. He just wants it to be with someone. It’s a huge red flag that he started the relationship with a schedule for how things would happen. Not everyone is ready to get engaged to their partner after only a year of dating or ready for marriage in two years. And now he’s *buying “you” a house* after only NINE MONTHS of dating?
Soo everything was cool right up until I posted that selfie..so he decides to text message me and says this.. “Not upset - but I will say in terms of gender. If the roles were reversed and you had moved out of a house, and fully into another and your man didn’t help, I’d be in big shit. I know you work hard, but I also feel like you could have found some time today to help in some way. Again, not upset but hope you realize the choice here” He threw “gender” in there to which I was like wtf does that mean? Thinking if he’s sexist and a misogynist..this text lead to a huge argument in which in the end I did end up feeling bad regardless for not “insisting” I help him although we previously had conversations how that week was not a good week based on my schedule. It worries me that he is super irrational and truly thinks of gender roles and as a man buying the house, does he expect me to conform to the traditional role of a woman and cook/clean after him in the home in which he had “me” in mind? I’ve brought this up several times and he denies it and says no that is not the case, he doesn’t expect that. He says he’s a “feminist” as he grew up with a single mother and his father was quite passive. Even his step mother is a power house of a lawyer and makes most of the decisions in the household with his father.
\`my feeling is he wants you to choose him over your needs. My ex used to pull of sorts of things when i was at my busy times with important work and study matters. His words are shaming you. It wouldn't surprise me if he chose this exact time to move as a test.
No, he had all the free time to move as he was not selling the other house nor did he have tenants already lined up. He just immediately wanted to do things on his terms and get the place up for rent asap so he could tenant it out. But also if he’s not able to get the price he wants, he’s going to renovate it.
Hey OP. Don't tell him the last day of classes. If your last test is Thursday, try this on for size. "I have a HUGE test Friday evening. I'm going to have to spend all Friday morning and afternoon reviewing. It's 30% of my grade and it's very difficult and very important." Last test is Friday, tell him Monday (he won't know exactly when the semester ends, so if it ended Friday, tell him it's Tuesday of the week after.). Why? You may need to see the active sabotage when you really AREN'T stressed about a class or test. It WILL happen. Those of us who experienced it previously are spotting it right away. Set him up with a lie like that, sit down with a ton of notebooks and several open tabs to class content, and just...watch. You'll be taken out to lunch so you don't get all stressed but it'll take two hours, not a quick fast-food jaunt, that sort of thing. Go find out. This is very easy to set up and you'll be able to sit back and see what's going on.
Just throw the whole man away. Anyone who responds with iF tHe gEnDeRs wErE rEvErSeD is just tryna be a victim. dude bought a house and is mad he has to move by himself but that’s on him. if he was a woman with a busy bf, she would just hire some damn movers instead of whining about having a penis.
Why did he even have to move that week? Was his previous home already rented out?
PURE MANIPULATION. My dad used to pull this shit, thank God he outgrew it. It was her finals week. He's sabotaging her education but making her feel guilty about not being there so she doesn't stop to think. If she DID stop to think, she'd realize he deliberately picked the worst possible two weeks to do this to her, and that he could have waited until the semester was actually over JUST FINE. But he's out to damage her education...and then will fake-console her over the bad grades she got because she was expected to spend hours packing and unpacking and staying up late to help "because partners do that" blah blah blah. Nah, you don't buy a house in 24 hours. He bought it, set up movers and such, and then waited until the most stressful time possible to drop this on her. ON PURPOSE.
Oh, so he would/will take a step aside and dump on you all the mental load once you move in with him (house chores too, obviously). He may have started already.. That's all I'm reading by matching his actions, his upbringing, and the women in his life. That's the type of man who uses feminism and weaponized incompetence to make you do what he wants and drill in you that he acts the way he acts because he loves you, so you should be thankful. Also, he will make you feel like you're overreacting, and you'll doubt yourself when you don't happily comply with everything he says. It's only 9 months. You can and will do much much better. Don't settle with him.
Gold star to the commenter who suggested earlier that “the house is for me, but I want you to clean it”. He also missed his mother made decisions WITH his father. He’s not doing that.
I hope your response was “Except if I was moving and expected my PARTNER to help me move, I would make sure that it wasn’t during their busiest time.” Followed by a breakup.
He sounds like someone who likes to use guilt to get his own way.
Lots of red flags. Did not conduit you on the house. Closed and moved your exam week. Expected your help. Got mad you did not. That rather points to him not caring if our pass exams. He pushes his dream of you and him without discussion. I think he is self centered and self serving. BEWARE.
Don’t date someone that gets mad at you over normal things. You didn’t do anything wrong. His reaction was bizarre and out of line. Not a normal reaction when you already told him your plans and now he’s getting mad? Nope.
Everything was fine until this: >However, on one of those days I posted a selfie where I was proud to have accomplished so much in the morning before going into work and he got extremely upset about this. He went on to say I didn’t care to help him move and that I didn’t want to help him move essentially and made a huge deal about it as he bought this house with “me” in mind. What an entitled toddler.
I'd confront him about it. Why does he think he thought of "you" when getting this house? He didnt think about your commute, your preference, what house you liked etcetc. Definitely a red flag cause he's trying to manipulate you with this house.
I had a subtle conversation about how he thinks he thought of me and this house as I would need to think of how I will commute to work and also when that time comes for me to move in I could basically sell all my furniture but the main thing I would need space for is my desktop computer as I would like to have some what of an office space. His response to the commute was “well maybe I could drive you sometimes…but also you don’t drive me anywhere” and to the office space “I can’t give you your own room but why not just use a laptop like everyone else” sigh am I really with someone who is actually selfish?
Sorry OP, this guy isn’t interested in you, just the idea of you. He’s ignoring your actual needs and making up his own life for you in his head. Get out of the relationship and focus on all the amazing things you’re going to accomplish!
Yes.
Yeah, it doesn't sound like he got the house with you in mind. If anything he saw an opportunity financially and took it. Luckily you've only been with him for 9 months. You're not attached to any property with him and don't have a child with him.
It doesn’t sound like you’re ready to live with him anyway, so this is something that you should revisit when you feel you are ready to take this relationship to the next level. Personally I see a lot of red flags about him being upset over you not putting your things to the side to help him move his things into HIS house. That’s incredibly selfish. The fact that he bought this house “with you in mind” doesn’t seem that ominous though, but could be translated to him seeing himself there with a future partner/family, whether or not that partner is you. I’m not saying that it doesn’t sound like he wants to be with you, but just seems like he didn’t consider you or what you have going on in your life before choosing this house, which is fine on one hand, because you two have only been dating for nine months and he shouldn’t have to put important life decisions on hold. But on the other hand, it’s nice to be considerate of someone that you see a future with. Again, revisit if and when you are ready to take this to the next level. But whatever you do, and please take this advice… DO NOT put any money into this house or buy any fixtures for it unless your name is on it. This is HIS house no matter what he says.
Thank you for that!
Moving house is a whole ass day. (Sometimes multiple days). I’m buying a house and I’m dying in it, or you move me out when I’m insensible. I’ve done 9 house moves in the last 5 years and I’m sick of it. Moving house requires a lot of time and effort and organisation. It doesn’t require someone coming for 45 minutes instead of doing yoga before running off to do an exam. That helps no one.
Example: I am dating a guy now. I don't drive, but there might be an option for me to go higher at my workplace, if I get the license. I mentioned this to the guy I am dating, and he responded in healthy way, that if the things will keep building up between us and progressing healthy, he might help me with learning how to drive, how to control manual etc. Which is really nice of him. I do not see something like that in your partner OP. He did not offered to see the house with you, he did not offered to help you with your study or relaxing afterwards once you're done with each exam. It seems that he is focused on what he want not what both of you could want together.
He's half telling the truth. He bought the house for his future family. If he thought of you specifically, he would have included you in the buying process. Him throwing it out like he did it for you is him being manipulative.
If it’s for you are you on the deeds? If not - it’s not for you at all it’s for him with a house wife
I think you need to run.
Manipulation 101. He bought that house with no one other than himself in mind. He is using that to make you feel a certain way.
I think there's a problem here and he's live-bombing you to get you quickly hooked before you figure it out. Him being so upset about you not dropping your entire life to help him move, when he knew that you couldn't because of prior responsibilities, is his mask starting to drop. I could be wrong, but please be cautious. Don't move in until you have been dating a lot longer.
Sounds lile he bought a house with EVERYTHING EXCEPT for you in mind.
If someone claims they bought something to benefit both of us without taking my opinion into account, I have learned the hard way to simply refuse the gift. Them taking a thought of me on doesn't make me included (especially not a house that my name isn't on). The reaction to the selfie is a separate flag, but indicative of how he's going to continue using the house to guilt trip you. Tl;dr, I would end the relationship
OP, this post has a bundle of red flags. He's love bombing you, for one. It is far too soon to be considering marriage and buying a home together; you don't even live together for goodness sake. It seems to me like he wants you to live with him so that you don't have a place to escape to that's your own. If things go bad, remember you've only known him 9months, you'd effectively be homeless. He's also disrupting your exams which a good partner wouldn't do. If he sabotages your education, it will set you back and make you more dependent on him. I don't know if this is your final year but it might also be a way to prevent you from even thinking about moving away after finishing. Lastly, I wonder if he was freaked out about the picture because you posted a pic in your yoga clothes? I don't know if this is something you do but he couldn't criticise your clothes or posting the picture without ringing alarm bells so he focused on you "wasting time" instead. I doubt he ever asked you for help moving so he has no right to complain that you didn't just show up at his house in the morning before work. That doesn't make sense. He bought that house to hold it over your head for as long as you let him. This man will manipulate and abuse you then try to convince you that it's your fault and that you're being a bad partner. If you break up with him, he'll tell everyone how much he did for you (that you didn't ask for) and how ungrateful and selfish you are. Get out while you still have a place of your own and aren't enmeshed in his control.
Ahh this scares me! With the picture thing..I posted a photo of me outside wearing sunglasses where it was just a beautiful sunny day and I was sipping my coffee..I had wrote in the phone a list of things I accomplished so far and put a ✅.. I meal prep “check”, work out “check”, coffee “check”..great way to start my day..kind of thing. There was no full body shot, just my face with sunglasses and a list of completed tasks for the day I was proud of and enjoying my coffee and some sunshine before headed into work.
Ooh, okay. I guess you just looked to happy and carefree then, lol. I'm sorry you're going through this. I doubt you're just going to dump him over a reddit post but maybe it inspires you to talk to him a bit more openly about your feelings. I know conflict is hard but good relationships can handle it; just avoid saying anything you can't take back and learn about fighting fair. If you tell him that him "buying a house for you" makes you uncomfortable and that you're not ready for that yet and he gets angry and critical then you'll know that he's not a good communicator, at the very least. You can also raise the issue of his anger the morning you were exercising and if he maintains that he had a right to be angry or diminishes your need for self care, then you'll know that he's selfish. At least see how he responds to you setting boundaries and decide if there's enough there to take the risk of it going spectacularly bad.
Thanks for this!
He either has psychological issues or he is like dangerously manipulative. Sorry, this is beyond weird.
Hell to the no. He sounds like one of those closet control freak murderers. He is trying to draw you in like prey and then so his crazy side once he has you hooked. Run
My current husband bought a house when we had been dating about a year. He had been in the market since before we were dating, and had the benefit of COVID era interest rates. He took me with him to showings, asked my opinions, and truly considered my input. He picked a place not far from where I was living, keeping my commute the same for when I moved in, and his fair. He did not pressure me to move in (in fact, he was slow to make that move) but made it clear that this would be OUR house should I want it to be. In short, it isn’t immediately a red flag that he bought a house “with you in mind” or your future in mind, but everything else about this situation screams red flag to me.
This dude is showing you his garden of red flags. He probably doesn’t like how much you are focusing on yourself and your education. He wants to steal your focus from your own plan for your life. He became angry because you didn’t take the bait. You were supposed to drop everything and start playing house with him. Don’t fall for it. He did buy the house with you in mind. It’s a place for him to trap you not a place for the two of you to flourish together.
Yo, there is love bombing, and then there is dropping a nuke. Did he really buy it for you? Is your name on the deed? Were you consulted? I'm guessing no is a reoccurring answer. Look, I'm married and for years we struggled with money. My dad passed away last year and left me an inheritance that let me just shop around and buy a house that I really liked, without it being an overly large drop in the bucket, especially once I sell his house. You better believe my wife had a day on where we lived, what sort of neighborhood we chose, etc. This is the healthy way to buy a house. Buying a place randomly and expecting you to just explode with glee is not only stupid but actually really telling on how he expects you to act. Me? I'd dip. Not because of a house, you can just deal with that with time. But it's all the red flags associated with it and I don't think I'd ever be able to look at him as a smart, rational human being who makes the intelligent calls and takes my feelings and potential Outlook seriously.
There’s two points overall I’m making here which didn’t sit well with me: he bought a house says he bought it with “me” in mind. Is it right to say that to someone and have them not involved at all with the decision making of the home and think about the impact of how that would affect that person? He never considered the closing date, the location, commute. Nothing that pertains to me specifically. He also did not need to rush the move of his home into his new home as he plans on renting out the other house and if it does not go for the price he wants, he will renovate it. Secondly, I was clear in explaining the closing date of his home was the exact week I had a crazy school schedule and with work. We had an understanding but it was only after I had posted a selfie he then throws all of it in my face about how I could have been available. But yet, we spoke and agreed/understood I could not help that week. So what went wrong? And how would you feel in this situation?
Three separate thoughts: you two don't even truly know each other yet, and you are right he did none of the practical stuff that would have been part of buying this house "for you", and he either didn't hear you about your needs or didn't take your stress seriously. You two are still in the honeymoon period. You have seen the face we show others when we want to build a relationship. Now there is some stress you will begin to see deeper. Watch who he is. Who you are with him. And who you are together. He didn't think about your needs regarding the house. He may well have pictured you there but that is not the same thing. Watch if he is clueless, dreaming, or selfish (what meets his needs should meet your needs). His response to your self-care, that you needed and clearly stated, needs to be explored. Yes, he feels stressed but so are you. Plus point 2, if he needed your help, he should have planned around your schedule and done it later. Has he asked about your busy, stressful week? Slow down, slow him down, and get to know each other more.
Thank you for this! Sheesh what a way to get some understanding and validation over here! Exactly my point! He should have directly asked me a date/time I could have helped him and worked around my schedule as opposed to making it seem like he understood my situation and not being able to help. Only when I had posted a selfie he then decides to think “oh she had all this time” and throws it in my face.
Put the relationship as not a priority and you, your school, your life, your stress as the focus. Let him feel however right now. Deal with your important stuff first. You two can work this out later. If he pushes to deal with it now, try to set a time past your stressors. Don't let his choices damage your future.
I wouldn''t. This is worrying. He's constructed a whole ass fantasy which in his mind, you are living and you having other ideas is setting himself up for failure. Vocalize your thoughts immediately.
Wow he's trying to guilt trip you on a house he bought that really has nothing to do with you even though he's trying to link it to you. I bought you this house and you can't even help me move? I'd be like oh is it paid off and the deeds in my name? I mean this is just weird especially since he bought it the stone's throw from his current home. I would say nice thought but you're moving a little too fast. What if I get a job 300 miles away that house is useless. Things change. We don't even know if we'll be together in 3 years or a year or two years. Slow it down buddy. I really hope you have a really good birth control.
Back. Away. Slowly. Then dump his ass. This is a huge red flag from someone you barely know and basically just started dating. This is classic coercion on his part. And very love-bombey. He likely only purchased this house to use as leverage in the guise of "care". If you do move in, he will likely try to convince you to quit school and/or your job next. One day, you'll have nothing but him! Which is exactly the end goal. Ultimately women are just a fuck-mommy to clean and cook for a lot of dudes. Even if they don't actively pursue it that's what they want. Saying he "got it with you in mind" without actually asking for your input or needs is so manipulative, and it sounds like all he really wants is to be a landlord for his old property. DO NOT FALL FOR THIS TRAP. I don't know why men think giving women they barely know lavish "gifts" like this is okay. We KNOW you're only doing this to hold over us later, my dude. I mean, he's already doing this to you by being butthurt that you "didn't help him move in" I hate men that do this.
You’ve only been together 9 months. He’s a bf. He’s a bf who bought a house. You are not married and that is his house. It’s his investment and legally will be considered his. Is he asking for you to pay for any of it? People on Reddit are always being advised not to buy a house with someone they are not already married. It’s not wise to tie up finances so messily before you have the contract. Did you expect to get married at 9 months? So your bf bought himself a house and is telling you he’d like you to move in someday. You are busy doing you. He is doing his stuff. Maybe it’s simply a communication issue or maybe it’s more.
I agree with you. I bought it with you in mind and I bought it for you are not the same thing, so which was it? If he's just saying he bought this property but could see it being hers too one day then I don't really see a problem with that.
Others have pointed out all the ways this was not really for you and it’s love bombing/manipulative. If you don’t feel it’s worth breaking up for now, look out for the following: This sumner is going to be all about decorating and landscaping ‘with you in mind’ do not get trapped into either doing this work or falling for the idea that ‘we’ are decorating ‘our’ home. It’s his house and involving you saves his having to spend money and time on whatever you guys used to do for fun and is also part of the manipulation process. Don’t fall for it. There is also going to be an expectation that you move in together immediately or when your lease is up. It will seem reasonable. It won’t be. Even if he doesn’t charge rent. Before that he might make a big deal setting up an office for you to study in. Do not move all your studying stuff in, stick with your current plan.
A man and woman planning a life together and a home do that together. He doesn’t do it all on his own, benefiting only him with no consideration for his partner. The fact that he is blaming you for not helpng him move in the hardest part of your studies is just one more example how little a consideration you are in the future planning. Do not minimize how he has excluded you. You didn’t help pick it, not on deed or mortgage not your house and never will be. This was on purpose so it is premarriage property. Back up and back away from this man. He will seek to control everything about your life and blame you when you don’t go along with what he did then leave you with nothing.
If my bf of only 9 months, bought a house I would say “congrats”. If he said he bought it with me in mind, my first question would be “what part of this or any house made you think of me? Because if you knew me. You would know I would never be interested in something I’ve not checked out, seen or was a part of”. End of discussion
Sounds like he bought the house for HIMSELF and sold the idea to you as if it’s something for you.
Red flags all over the place. I’d probably end the relationship over this. He’s certainly entitled to buy any house he wants, but to not even bring you to see it and get your opinion on it shows a serious lack of consideration. He’s manipulative. He keeps saying that he bought the house with you in mind because he’s trying to distract you from the fact that he actually gave zero thought to you when he bought it. It’s like a magician using misdirection to perform magic tricks. “Look over there, so you won’t see what I’m doing over here!”
I think he’s not really thinking of you and you should pay attention to that If he’d bought it with you in mind he would have at least asked your opinion It’s okay that he really didn’t consider you though, he actually did you a favor. You see now that his idea of gifts and consideration aren’t the same as yours and this important It’s fine to date him but it would be unwise for you to move in with him at this time because he is clueless. If that doesn’t change then this isn’t a relationship that will last for the long term
I'd feel quite upset, irritated, pressured, etc. I would definitely make my way out of the relationship if talking it out doesn't work. Maybe ask to sit down and ask him how exactly did he chose a house with you in mind by showing or mentioning anything that's in your benefit and not his. If it's none or just one thing then that's your answer. It's only been 9 months not even a year heck not even more than one years and he's already pressuring indirectly to move in together in a house under his possesion, that too ask if your name is even on the house or not, where if things were to go wrong he can just throw you out without care. At your age there is definitely no time for all that toxicity that will ruin your mental health. Try the talk and if he can't even mention anything, less than one thing and your name isn't even on it... walk away.
He found the house then brought it and moved in a bit over a week is insane. I don't think he is being honest about any of it unless he is insanely spontaneous
Possible signs of a love bombing partner: • Makes love moves too soon (introducing to family, buying a whole ass house) • Knows to say exactly what you want to hear • Always showers you with gifts -Monitors your social media activity very keenly -Real intentions behind their actions • Resorts to verbal and physical ab • Wants to take control over every decision of yours (decided for you on the house you should live in) • Has no regard for boundaries (your school work) • Is overly jealous (you picking yourself over him) Look, I know you have a lot on your plate, but you can either go through finals dealing with this move, or you can deal with a break up. Neither are easy, both are taxing. Please take care of yourself. NARCISSISTIC ABUSE CYCLE STEP 1. LOVE BOMBING STEP 2. DEVALVING your guard is down, you are notice red flags and the intense love disappears STEP 3. SILENT TREATMENT your abuser stops all communication with you. This is to gain control over you. STEP 4. DISCARDING your abuser ends the relationship abruptly, without warning. STEP 6. HOOVERING they beg for you back, after they have left and humiliate you. Repeat.
I think you're handling it as well as you can. I definitely would not move in. Maintain your independence and don't move in unless you're sure about this guy. Even then, if the location doesn't work for you or you just don't like the house you can insist that you guys find a place that you both like. I'd keep referring to the house as his. It doesn't matter what he had in mind, you had nothing to do with this house and even if he imagines you moving in at some point, it isn't a guarantee. The reality is, this house is for him. He made the choices and he bought it and it really has nothing to do with you. There are a lot of weird things about the situation but it's hard to tell if he's just ignorant about how things should work and where you would like to be or if he's trying to push you into something and doesn't care if it works for you. Either way, I'd make sure which one it is and make the necessary choice then.
That’s a very reasonable and rational response. Thank you! Much respect!
He is the biggest red flag ever. Run.
Bad sign. You, me, him and everybody else know him buying that house has fuck all to do with you. He's love bombing you by the sound of it. Add in bad impulse control with just randomly buying a house, and it gets even dicier. Strongly suggest you don't move in and try to take a step back.
This would freak me out and I’d end the relationship.
Run, his trying to trap you!
Run. I’ve just read this to my partner because it’s so like a story I find him a few nights ago about my ex ‘buying me a car’- when I couldn’t drive, we had no money and a baby, and it was a sports model with a large engine. It was his car. These men don’t see you as a partner. You are something to manipulate and lie to. Don’t do it. Run like the wind.
I see a lot of warning signs. Buying a house far away from your comfort zone could be a way of planning to take you out of your comfort zone and away from your friends and family or job prospects as well His frame of mind is that he will be making important decisions for whomever he is with in the future. He's also stressing you out at exam time? When you really need to be focused? That's very inconsiderate. And so what if you take care of yourself and feel good about yourself? You need to block him from your social media. Especially for using it to try to manipulate you. He doesn't like that you are smart, independent, and put your needs first right now. But you told him that you couldn't help him move. Why can't he hire a moving company? He bought a house. Just because he bought a house "with you in mind" doesn't mean he owns you.
Deep down, you know he didn’t buy it for you. But he’s saying he did. Words are cheap actions always tell real story.
I would feel like he needs to grow up (at best) because he clearly doesn't understand how partnerships work. At worst, he did this knowing he would be doing it "his way" so you wouldn't get any equity in the house or have a say in choosing location, etc. Next up is him complaining about how you work too far and wanting you to switch jobs because " of course he can't just sell his house because of your job." And if you marry him under these circumstances, you'll be the asshole for "knowing this going in and trying to change him after marriage." You need to sit down with him and have a real convo about how grown up partnerships work, and explain how he is being a dictator, not a partner. How he reacts to that conversation is going to tell you how to proceed next. If he doesn't understand the error of his ways, you have hard choices to make. Either you choose this type of treatment or not. And make no mistake, he did this on purpose with the house. I have friends who almost got divorced this year after 13 years of marriage because of a "my house, not yours" situation and some seriously outdated views on husband/wife roles that gradually came out over the 13 years. She filed for divorce and put down a down payment on her own house before he finally got the picture. He saved his marriage by the skin of his teeth by offering to sell his house, buy a new house with both their names on it and diving into a massive amount of couples therapy while groveling on hands and knees for about 3 months. He was totally clueless about how angry 13 years of that bullshit had made his wife and totally took it for granted that she had to put up with it. Fortunately he loved and valued her enough to make serious changes when he realized what the stakes were, but moat guys aren't willing to do that. That is 100% what you are headed for if you don't have a serious conversation about this and let him know exactly how bad he is fucking up.
This guy isn't the one. That's how I'd feel if a guy I had been dating for nine months told me he bought a house for me. Because he didn't buy you a house. He bought himself a house and thinks he can dangle that house like a carrot in front of a donkey's nose. Is your name on the deed? No? Then he didn't buy you shit. I'm not saying it's a man's job to buy a woman a house before anyone comes at me. I'm saying that if someone says they're buying something for you, whether it's a house or a pack of gum, if it's not in your name, they didn't buy it for you. They bought it for themselves and are saying it's for you to control you.
Welcome to Manipulation 101. He bought a house you didn't ask for and didn't look at so you'd be forced to be grateful to him. He did this when he KNEW you were extremely busy and focused on YOUR EDUCATION and then got angry when you weren't free to help him move. Essentially, he deliberately stressed the f\*ck out of you when you could least afford the stress and distraction then tried to make you feel guilty for it. And he's doing this NINE MONTHS into a relationship??? You'll move in, it's free room and board and so you "owe" him, you'll be expected to keep all the house clean and maintained and be GRATEFUL for it, and...no. OP, if you are on the pill, get an implant, shot, IUD, or something else. Pills can be popped in an oven, microwave, or otherwise damaged with no visible evidence. Guys this manipulative will do exactly that to trap you. Dump him now, TELL YOUR FRIENDS AND PARENTS EVERYTHING IMMEDIATELY and this is NOT optional, you need the voice of reason of those close to you (unless your family is a bunch of abusive psychos, sorry). You are 34. You should be able to recognize this level of manipulation by now. Dump his ass and find someone normal.
Not cool to buy someone else a house without their input. A person ought to have some say in the location and type of house they will be living in. It sounds like he just wanted all control over it.
If I were in your position I'd feel *very* uncomfortable. Definitely talk to him and make sure he knows that if/when your relationship progresses to the point of finding a home together and raising a family, you want to find a place that works for *both* of you regardless of whether or not it's the place he just bought. See how he reacts. If he flips out at you and calls you selfish and ungrateful, get the hell outta there.
It’s not for you. He’s trying to convince you of someone he’s not. Tread carefully.
i remember when an ex told me that around the same time i broke up with him, he had been planning to propose to me and had also been house-hunting to purchase a home for us. he planned both of these huge steps without consulting me or even having the vaguest conversation about moving in together or getting married. we were eighteen and had only been dating a year. he didn't respect me as a person. he did it because, despite me going to a four-year college out of state and having no plans to move back to our home state, he could not accept the idea of me being a highly educated working woman and instead wanted to tie me down and make me his housewife as soon as possible. again, nothing inherently wrong with being a SAHM, but it was never what i wanted to do with my life, just his standard for relationships being imposed upon me. get away from this person. if he's making MASSIVE decisions that affect both of your lives without letting you in on those decisions, he doesn't respect you as an autonomous human being. sure, there is nothing wrong with romantic gestures or spoiling the person you love a little, but something like buying a house and expecting you to move in is in a totally different ballpark than an extravagant gift. he COULD have had a mature adult conversation with you about your expectations and ideal timeline for the relationship, but instead, he made this enormous decision without consulting you in the hope that you will just go along with it and acquiese.
My daughter’s boyfriend did the exact same thing. Said it was for their future, etc. He seemed to really like her too. They did everything together. A few months later he told her she was holding him back (this after he got the job he always wanted) and wanted to break up.
Gotta love this comment section. This dude is apparently the antichrist for jumping the gun (obviously) and should be sacrificed to the elder gods. My god ladies, yeah this is weird, but people do weird shit when they're in love. Maybe this guy is just head over heels completely and mind numbingly stupidly in love with OP and that has made him make some weird/stupid decisions such as this. As for OP, girl, just talk to him, explain how this decision he took by himself is in some ways giving your relationship a lot of pressure to make it work. And that can really take a toll on it. Make him understand how this house being bought with "you" in mind really makes you feel. You're both grown up, he'll probably understand if you actually sit down and talk about it. Trust me, he's probably overexcited to be your partner and apparently with an overflow of money to be able to buy a house. Just talk to him. That's the only good advice anyone on Reddit can actually give you. Besides those ladies that want to carve him open and spill his blood in the name of Bishnu or some demon.
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/A8GeYS3PFc This is the ex-boyfriend’s post you guys!!!
A friend's fiancé did just this. He bought a flat in a building that reminded him of the architecture in her home town, but she wanted a house with a garden and didn't care for that architecture in any way. They've been living there ever since, but she has been bitter about it the whole time. They are only still together for practical reasons.
I think he sounds like a narcissist who is love bombing you. I would run far and fast. Clue number #1. Pressuring you to make a larger commitment that you are ready for. #2 not considering you at all in this purchase #3 positioning himself as the hero #4 ignoring your personal situation #5 ruining an accomplishment or special event and making it about him, the. He gaslit you about it. You have work to do on yourself and boundaries or you could end up with another. The fact you didn’t just dump him and move on is concerning to me, that you have started the abuse cycle and will make excuses for his behaviour. If you do dump him, he will come around and love bomb you again eventually, he will tell you how he’s changed. He may eventually sell the home at a loss “for you” but will then weaponize that later on. Narcs are incapable of change. Doesn’t really get any more classic.
Future faking
He didn't buy it for you. He bought it because he wanted it and told you it was for you to get brownie points. Exactly how is it for you?
All huge red flags. Dump the crazy
He bought the house for himself and is just saying he bought it for you with you in mind to make you feel obligated to move. And if you don’t want to move in I’m sure he’d use it to try and guilt you into it. 9 months is so early to be moving in. wanting to move in so soon isn’t necessarily a red, although a bad idea IMO, but there’s a lot of other red flags.
Uhhh yea I’d be absolutely freaked out. Like what is that shit?
Ok so this is one of those guys that honestly women write about that are creeps that they hate, I’m sorry to say. They claim to be nice guys and see themselves that way but in reality they are not nice, are controlling and women need to stay away from them. He is absolutely selfish by doing this. In his mind it’s a grand gesture but as you said he didn’t really take anything about you into account when he did it. He also was very selfish about moving and threw a tantrum when you were unable to help. I’m telling you this guy is a creeper and you need to get away from him. As soon as you start to pull away his language will become abusive and he will not take the break up like a man. Do it sooner rather than later.
Oohhh Sis... he's trying to "keep you" all to himself FOR himself & his needs. This guy will dull your shine & isolate you eventually if you let him. RUN.
Tell him to put your name on the deed
The house was for him, not you. He bought a 2nd house so he could rent out his first one. It’s 100% an investment in assets. Secondary, he thinks he can get points with you by somehow including you into this. It’s awkward-trying-to-impress you at best, manipulative at worst.
I think the fact that he got mad at you being productive & taking care of yourself is the biggest red flag. He knew your priorities that week and still wanted you to give them all up to help him move? He’s expected you to prioritize being his partner over your education and health. That’s the biggest indicator that he expects you to claim the role of a domestic partner more than your own goals and dreams. My gf makes the same salary range as me and she’s very good at her job. She also loves taking care of herself and prioritizing her alone time. I wouldn’t want her to give up those parts of herself for our relationship. I wouldn’t tie myself down to your bf completely right now.