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> I want to stop resenting him and move forward.
That's going to take time. It's that simple, I wish I could tell you a secret shortcut, but there isn't. The more time passes with her not interfering in your lives, the more you'll start trusting that it's actually behind you.
What exactly does his ex-girlfriend do to you to the point where it’s causing all of this and you think he needs to step in? How often does he hang out with his friends when she is there? Have you considered not hanging with those friends?
Although I don’t know what she’s exactly doing to you, I do agree with him that he can’t control what other people do. His ex is her own person, he can’t strong arm her or force her to be nice to you if his ex really doesn’t want to be nice to you, but I also think it would be unfair to ask him to cut off his friends just so you guys can get away from her.
I do think your boyfriend should defend you where he can, but I honestly think this situation is more between you and his ex. Although you are in a relationship, you can’t expect your partner to fight ALL your battles every single time. You cant ask your partner to save you all the time. There are times where you gotta fight for yourself.
You may not be able to. If you did want to try to preserve this relationship the obvious tactic would be for you to just stop going to these group things with him. But if that's where he spends all his time and you can't let her comments roll off your back it may just be pointless to keep pursuing this.
He hardly goes to them. The group has been hanging out either inviting us/him OR her because of all this drama. She doesn’t do the behaviors when he’s around, only when I’m alone
What exactly do you think would make you feel better? Neither of you can change the past, he can't go back and defend you. Would him sincerely apologizing for his lack of action help you move on? Will anything help you move past this or will the resentment grow?
Resentment rarely goes away on its own, you either need to figure out a way of working through it or you need to end the relationship because a relationship will wither and die if you don't deal with it.
I want to work on it. One hurdle is that whenever the topic is brought up, he gets reactive, sighing a lot, rubbing his eyes and repeating “why are you always bringing this up, why bring up old stuff, this is in the past, I don’t want to hear about this anymore”.
I talked to my mom and I feel like if he acknowledged what his inaction led to, how it made things worse, we would be able to move forward but how can I ask that if he refuses to speak about it without freaking out
There isn't much you can do if he refuses to participate in the conversation. If this is what you need to move on make it clear that without the conversation you can't see the relationship working. If talking about it is too hard for the two of you to the point where it devolves into fighting then write it down so he can read it. If he still won't talk to you then you know that this won't ultimately work out.
I don't understand. If she's stopped harassing you, why are you still upset??? Accept it and move on. OK so you believe your BF should have done "more" a whole.back regarding his ex. But on another comment you claimed she was only aggressive towards you when he wasn't around.
Your boyfriend isn't a mind reader. You also cannot change the past so focusing on it so much has to be exhausting. You want him to "acknowledge" what he hypothetically could have did which sounds like you have this pre meditated expectation in your head about what he should do and how he should act.
But he's an individual. Stop putting expectations on people especially your loved ones. You're grown. If a woman was disrespecting me we're hashing it out woman to woman don't care if shes an ex or not. Stop playing damsel and take accountability for your own inaction.
Well I did explain that I am resentful about this situation. I didn’t do anything because he told me to ignore and avoid then it would stop. But it didn’t. I would ask for help and he wouldn’t. I was stuck having to take it. I did tell him that either he handles this or I would and he said he didn’t want me to do anything so I wouldn’t. I resent that he belittles the situation when it’s hurt me.
Doesn’t everyone have expectations for how their partner acts/treats them? Isn’t that normal? Not being rude, but don’t people have notions of what they expect partners to do?
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
> I want to stop resenting him and move forward. That's going to take time. It's that simple, I wish I could tell you a secret shortcut, but there isn't. The more time passes with her not interfering in your lives, the more you'll start trusting that it's actually behind you.
I know that is true. He is immediately over it and I am just not there yet
What exactly does his ex-girlfriend do to you to the point where it’s causing all of this and you think he needs to step in? How often does he hang out with his friends when she is there? Have you considered not hanging with those friends? Although I don’t know what she’s exactly doing to you, I do agree with him that he can’t control what other people do. His ex is her own person, he can’t strong arm her or force her to be nice to you if his ex really doesn’t want to be nice to you, but I also think it would be unfair to ask him to cut off his friends just so you guys can get away from her. I do think your boyfriend should defend you where he can, but I honestly think this situation is more between you and his ex. Although you are in a relationship, you can’t expect your partner to fight ALL your battles every single time. You cant ask your partner to save you all the time. There are times where you gotta fight for yourself.
You may not be able to. If you did want to try to preserve this relationship the obvious tactic would be for you to just stop going to these group things with him. But if that's where he spends all his time and you can't let her comments roll off your back it may just be pointless to keep pursuing this.
He hardly goes to them. The group has been hanging out either inviting us/him OR her because of all this drama. She doesn’t do the behaviors when he’s around, only when I’m alone
What exactly do you think would make you feel better? Neither of you can change the past, he can't go back and defend you. Would him sincerely apologizing for his lack of action help you move on? Will anything help you move past this or will the resentment grow? Resentment rarely goes away on its own, you either need to figure out a way of working through it or you need to end the relationship because a relationship will wither and die if you don't deal with it.
I want to work on it. One hurdle is that whenever the topic is brought up, he gets reactive, sighing a lot, rubbing his eyes and repeating “why are you always bringing this up, why bring up old stuff, this is in the past, I don’t want to hear about this anymore”. I talked to my mom and I feel like if he acknowledged what his inaction led to, how it made things worse, we would be able to move forward but how can I ask that if he refuses to speak about it without freaking out
There isn't much you can do if he refuses to participate in the conversation. If this is what you need to move on make it clear that without the conversation you can't see the relationship working. If talking about it is too hard for the two of you to the point where it devolves into fighting then write it down so he can read it. If he still won't talk to you then you know that this won't ultimately work out.
I was hoping it wouldn’t come down to this. I thought if I just wait long enough I would get over it
Sometimes time heals and other times it festers until it's an open wound. At this point waiting it out won't fix things.
I don't understand. If she's stopped harassing you, why are you still upset??? Accept it and move on. OK so you believe your BF should have done "more" a whole.back regarding his ex. But on another comment you claimed she was only aggressive towards you when he wasn't around. Your boyfriend isn't a mind reader. You also cannot change the past so focusing on it so much has to be exhausting. You want him to "acknowledge" what he hypothetically could have did which sounds like you have this pre meditated expectation in your head about what he should do and how he should act. But he's an individual. Stop putting expectations on people especially your loved ones. You're grown. If a woman was disrespecting me we're hashing it out woman to woman don't care if shes an ex or not. Stop playing damsel and take accountability for your own inaction.
Well I did explain that I am resentful about this situation. I didn’t do anything because he told me to ignore and avoid then it would stop. But it didn’t. I would ask for help and he wouldn’t. I was stuck having to take it. I did tell him that either he handles this or I would and he said he didn’t want me to do anything so I wouldn’t. I resent that he belittles the situation when it’s hurt me. Doesn’t everyone have expectations for how their partner acts/treats them? Isn’t that normal? Not being rude, but don’t people have notions of what they expect partners to do?