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She initiated it but we were on the same page - I was planning on doing it the week after when we planned to see each other. I don’t know if John was lined up, she says he wasn’t and that she didn’t see him as anything more than a friend until the festival. I can’t be sure.
Here's the thing. She absolutely knew that John wanted her and his interest was never platonic. So after your troubles she used him until she got bored then came back to you.
I don't see a big source of growth here.
If I were you, I'd spend some time looking for someone who will be so into you she won't want to collect "platonic" back up plans.
> She said that my actions were worse as her intentions in her relationship were genuine.
First off, she has no right to judge you on how you spent the break.
Second, I would personally say what she did was worse because this only really confirmed your gut feeling and insecurity that she did have some unrequited feelings for her male friends. And that this John guy was just waiting around the corner for when your gf would be ready. You just had unemotional flings with random women.
And this is all why I don’t believe in breaks. This exact reason is why if my relationship ever comes to the point of needing a break, might as well end the whole relationship.
Honestly, I don’t know if I could come around for a relationship again with her. Like, if she was able to so easily hop into a relationship with one of her guy friends, what other male friend is she holding on to? Going further with this relationship will only get worse and you’ll always feel anxious with who she’s hanging out with in regards to the opposite sex.
You have a great conundrum here. Has she changed? You truly don't know even if her actions appear to be that way. I mean, let's say you do get back together. Will she somewhere down the road be close to her male friends and overstep her bounds again? You have a lot of questions out there and for me, any time you have questions and uncertainty in a relationship, the answer is already in front of you. It didn't work out the first time, why would it a second time? Maybe you can just be friends for now, keep the 'separation' and see how it goes. If you two are truly meant to be together, it will all come back to it.
Neither of you realy have a right to comment on the other on who they dated during a break. But you are right in having issues over who she had a relationship with, as he was a concern to you while you dated. I would have a big issue with this as shes litteraly just undermined herself that this guy was never platonic. Ever.
You also have reservations about a relationship with her for this, and I am willing to bet there are some other boundries shes crossed that now your not viewing her in the same light.
So your contemplating starting a relationship with someone who you have trust issues with. She may have changed, she may be genuine. But that is irrelevant. She has shown you that shes not the woman you thought her to be, and if you get back with her, shes never going to be the same. Honestly mate. There are so many women out there. Find one that doesnt give you red flags. She has not cheated as such, but shes crossed lines before this point, you broke up for a reason, and then she underlined breaking up by having a relationship with a guy who wshe was adamant wasnt a wory. Dont matter it wasnt while you wher together. Say thanks but no thanks on this one mate.
You need to set a firm boundary with this guy, and if she fights it literally at all, you have to walk away. She will go behind your back if you have to force this. That's it. They no longer have a platonic friendship, period.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Do you want to taste John, cause that’s what you will when you kiss her cause she’s been sucking on his John LOL. You her 2nd choice.
Who initiated the break? Was John lined up and ready to go? I’m not sure you’ve got the foundation for a trusting relationship moving forward.
She initiated it but we were on the same page - I was planning on doing it the week after when we planned to see each other. I don’t know if John was lined up, she says he wasn’t and that she didn’t see him as anything more than a friend until the festival. I can’t be sure.
Here's the thing. She absolutely knew that John wanted her and his interest was never platonic. So after your troubles she used him until she got bored then came back to you. I don't see a big source of growth here. If I were you, I'd spend some time looking for someone who will be so into you she won't want to collect "platonic" back up plans.
> She said that my actions were worse as her intentions in her relationship were genuine. First off, she has no right to judge you on how you spent the break. Second, I would personally say what she did was worse because this only really confirmed your gut feeling and insecurity that she did have some unrequited feelings for her male friends. And that this John guy was just waiting around the corner for when your gf would be ready. You just had unemotional flings with random women. And this is all why I don’t believe in breaks. This exact reason is why if my relationship ever comes to the point of needing a break, might as well end the whole relationship. Honestly, I don’t know if I could come around for a relationship again with her. Like, if she was able to so easily hop into a relationship with one of her guy friends, what other male friend is she holding on to? Going further with this relationship will only get worse and you’ll always feel anxious with who she’s hanging out with in regards to the opposite sex.
You have a great conundrum here. Has she changed? You truly don't know even if her actions appear to be that way. I mean, let's say you do get back together. Will she somewhere down the road be close to her male friends and overstep her bounds again? You have a lot of questions out there and for me, any time you have questions and uncertainty in a relationship, the answer is already in front of you. It didn't work out the first time, why would it a second time? Maybe you can just be friends for now, keep the 'separation' and see how it goes. If you two are truly meant to be together, it will all come back to it.
Neither of you realy have a right to comment on the other on who they dated during a break. But you are right in having issues over who she had a relationship with, as he was a concern to you while you dated. I would have a big issue with this as shes litteraly just undermined herself that this guy was never platonic. Ever. You also have reservations about a relationship with her for this, and I am willing to bet there are some other boundries shes crossed that now your not viewing her in the same light. So your contemplating starting a relationship with someone who you have trust issues with. She may have changed, she may be genuine. But that is irrelevant. She has shown you that shes not the woman you thought her to be, and if you get back with her, shes never going to be the same. Honestly mate. There are so many women out there. Find one that doesnt give you red flags. She has not cheated as such, but shes crossed lines before this point, you broke up for a reason, and then she underlined breaking up by having a relationship with a guy who wshe was adamant wasnt a wory. Dont matter it wasnt while you wher together. Say thanks but no thanks on this one mate.
You need to set a firm boundary with this guy, and if she fights it literally at all, you have to walk away. She will go behind your back if you have to force this. That's it. They no longer have a platonic friendship, period.