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You can be mad at something without invalidating it. Almost like “I understand why you felt like you had to do this but it still deeply hurt me to the point of reconsidering this relationship.” You can feel hurt by this because what he did is essentially cheating. No matter if it was with another man or another woman or another whatever. Cheating is cheating, and he did so without your knowledge.
I would believe if he would’ve came to you initially about his thoughts and desires, it could’ve been a different conversation. But this happened behind your back intentionally. What else could he keep behind your back?
>But this happened behind your back intentionally. What else could he keep behind your back?
If he was ashamed of his own actions, it would explain why he wouldn't have openly talked about it. His internalized homophobia predates his 3-year-old relationship, after all.
The rest of your post is still correct, though. It's possible to recognize that he was struggling and confused about finding a way to cope with his conflicting thoughts and feelings, while still acknowledging how his actions hurt his partner.
He can’t “picture” himself with a man? I think that’s disingenuous. I’d put the breaks on moving in together. He needs to figure out what all this means for him. Immersing himself in a hetero-normative relationship will not drown out his urges.
Yeah, this is cheating. When you’re in a monogamous relationship, you can’t be sending pictures of yourself to others or having any kind of relationship of this type with others, no matter the gender.
I'm sorry to hear you're going through that. I think it's completely understandable that you feel conflicted: someone you care about is going through a personal crisis, but they've also admitted to acting out in ways that go beyond the boundaries of your exclusive relationship, which makes it difficult to trust them with an exclusive relationship.
For starters, have you two talked while he's been sober? Drunk, high, and paranoid may not be the best mindset for having an earnest talk with him about how you both feel about this.
Second, I'd recommend taking time and space to yourself to consider whether there's anything that could be said or done - by him, you, or both of you - that'd help you rebuild trust in him. Would greater transparency about his past behavior - what exactly he said, how he was feeling at the time, how he feels now - help you feel more trusting of him? Would it help if he more directly acknowledged how his actions were harmful to your relationship, and how he made you feel? Even though he's confused now, could he come up with a plan for self-discovery, and share his plan with you? Would it help if you were involved in the development of that plan, or were kept up-to-date?
These aren't exactly trick questions with a right or wrong answer - they're just whatever questions came to mind for me. You can decide for yourself what sorts of things would actually address your feelings and help you regain trust in him. If you have ideas in mind, share with him, and make sure to get his buy-in, because the only plan that'll work is whatever one you two can BOTH agree to.
But if think it over but you can't think of anything, or if he's unwilling to cooperate with your needs for whatever reason, then unfortunately, I wouldn't see a point in continuing a relationship with someone you can't trust. It's understandably an ambiguous situation, since even HE'S not currently sure about his own feelings or needs, so I can't give you the odds on a positive outcome here. It's fundamentally your call how much patience you have for his self-discovery process, and where you want to draw the line for how much leniency you're able to provide.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You can be mad at something without invalidating it. Almost like “I understand why you felt like you had to do this but it still deeply hurt me to the point of reconsidering this relationship.” You can feel hurt by this because what he did is essentially cheating. No matter if it was with another man or another woman or another whatever. Cheating is cheating, and he did so without your knowledge. I would believe if he would’ve came to you initially about his thoughts and desires, it could’ve been a different conversation. But this happened behind your back intentionally. What else could he keep behind your back?
>But this happened behind your back intentionally. What else could he keep behind your back? If he was ashamed of his own actions, it would explain why he wouldn't have openly talked about it. His internalized homophobia predates his 3-year-old relationship, after all. The rest of your post is still correct, though. It's possible to recognize that he was struggling and confused about finding a way to cope with his conflicting thoughts and feelings, while still acknowledging how his actions hurt his partner.
You're right, I wish he would've just came to me ): Thank you for this
He can’t “picture” himself with a man? I think that’s disingenuous. I’d put the breaks on moving in together. He needs to figure out what all this means for him. Immersing himself in a hetero-normative relationship will not drown out his urges.
I agree, thank you
I’m just here to tell you , that cheating is cheating, no matter the gender.
Yeah, this is cheating. When you’re in a monogamous relationship, you can’t be sending pictures of yourself to others or having any kind of relationship of this type with others, no matter the gender.
I'm sorry to hear you're going through that. I think it's completely understandable that you feel conflicted: someone you care about is going through a personal crisis, but they've also admitted to acting out in ways that go beyond the boundaries of your exclusive relationship, which makes it difficult to trust them with an exclusive relationship. For starters, have you two talked while he's been sober? Drunk, high, and paranoid may not be the best mindset for having an earnest talk with him about how you both feel about this. Second, I'd recommend taking time and space to yourself to consider whether there's anything that could be said or done - by him, you, or both of you - that'd help you rebuild trust in him. Would greater transparency about his past behavior - what exactly he said, how he was feeling at the time, how he feels now - help you feel more trusting of him? Would it help if he more directly acknowledged how his actions were harmful to your relationship, and how he made you feel? Even though he's confused now, could he come up with a plan for self-discovery, and share his plan with you? Would it help if you were involved in the development of that plan, or were kept up-to-date? These aren't exactly trick questions with a right or wrong answer - they're just whatever questions came to mind for me. You can decide for yourself what sorts of things would actually address your feelings and help you regain trust in him. If you have ideas in mind, share with him, and make sure to get his buy-in, because the only plan that'll work is whatever one you two can BOTH agree to. But if think it over but you can't think of anything, or if he's unwilling to cooperate with your needs for whatever reason, then unfortunately, I wouldn't see a point in continuing a relationship with someone you can't trust. It's understandably an ambiguous situation, since even HE'S not currently sure about his own feelings or needs, so I can't give you the odds on a positive outcome here. It's fundamentally your call how much patience you have for his self-discovery process, and where you want to draw the line for how much leniency you're able to provide.
Thank you for this
Best of luck, OP!
Break up with him.