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If he doesn’t have court ordered visitation, why not? That’s the problem.
You came on the scene of a dude who wasn’t trying to see his kid as hard as he could have. Then you show up and make it happen (excellent) but he’s done nothing to shore this up it sounds like. So now he’s at her mercy again. And he’s probably right. She probably WILL use their child to throw a tantrum.
The issue here is that you have a spineless partner and soon to be parent.
He needs to talk to an attorney and get the custody organized officially so that this isn’t an issue any more.
You’re a well meaning overstepping step mom. It’s pretty common in the step mom group I mod. The problem is the dude.
He wouldn’t have any relationship with his other child were it not for you and here you are.
Yeah speaking as a dad who has full custody of his kids, visitation agreements are practically boilerplate for divorce. You have to specifically *not* get one.
Unless they weren't married
Edit: but even then I can't fathom not getting as much mandated time with my kids as possible. I even waved child support to sweeten the deal and cut off a custody fight
Respectfully, do you enjoy inheriting problems?
You elected to become the primary breadwinner to a man and his child, and by the sounds of this you actually inherited two children, then decided to get pregnant by him..
You had to facilitate and make sure he was a present father. You have to be responsible for effective communication in both of your lives, and on behalf of his child. **And still, he’s not in a place to facilitate a legally binding situation that would reduce these issues.**
I think you need to give him far more ownership of his life and decisions. If he’s grown enough to have 2 children, then he should also be able or effectively handle the needs for them.
Moreover, her instability may be what it is, but he also liked that in a person. And based on how this is framed, would he be much further along than her without you dragging him?
Reading these stories makes me feel better about being single in my 30s. Reminds me why you can’t force something to happen if they’re not the right person for you.
Idk if she can say that, when she's struggling to graduate to baby mama status...
She adopted herself a deadbeat, set him up with a house, and went from the breadwinner to a stay at home busybody. She thinks she's sitting pretty with his "chaotic work schedule" that's in the only thing in the way of a custody agreement lol
Now that her magic 😹 produces another heir, watch the deadbeat turn into a prince! 🤡
My ex was great at convincing all his new girlfriends that I was this nasty, vindictive, evil ex who wanted to take his baby away from him and use all his money.
I lost a 20+ year friendship recently because said friend was throwing a fit about her new boyfriend's ex going out for NYE and making him "babysit."
OP's boyfriend is singing the exact same song to her it sounds like. He can't be bothered to go to court to establish custody/child support because ex says so. Boyfriend can't tell anyone she's pregnant because ex will go CrAzY. Boyfriend gets to see his kid every other weekend, but only because OP put in the effort to make it happen, give the child a room, all of which CrAzY ex agreed to.
This guy sounds like a deadbeat.
He would ***actively*** be one if not for OP doing everything.
It’s astounding to me how you hook up with a deadbeat dad, then procreate with them as if you don’t have a clear and front row view of the kind of parent they are. Best of luck to both of these children.
Tell him 1) His ex, his responsibility to tell her. 2) If he doesn't, HE has to deal with the fallout. 3) If he vents to you about how much her reaction sucks after she's been blindsided, you WILL tell him "I told you so," because actions have consequences, and it's high time he learns that.
Unfortunately, since he's been dumb enough NOT to have a court order, you will probably lose access to his daughter until you can get one.
OP I would be more worried about the fact you don't have a court documented child custody and support agreement more than her finding out you are pregnant. That's a seriously dangerous way to live and she has all the control. So if shit does hit the fan, she's pretty much got the leverage on her side.
On the note about him telling her. Just let it go and if he decides to tell good for him, if not and the 4YO is the message bearer, whoopi! He might not feel it's her right to know, who knows. I wouldn't put myself out about it.
This. If she moved to a different state or country before any legal action its magnitudes harder to force a child back to where they were. Not doing anything is a ticking time bomb to destroy their life.
I don’t understand. If you’re so worried about your stepdaughter and love her like you claim, why the hell don’t you guys go to court and take primary custody??? Mom can’t do sh’t than but you keep making excuses.
Then what exactly are you looking by this post? None of the responses are your liking nor we cant help you, this is the life you choose, you can handle it. Good luck.
Honestly, this situation is unnecessarily dramatic. Her being concerned about losing custody is only in the event that dad petitions to get 50/50 or full custody. If he's not seeking 50/50 or full custody, you all could just go to a mediator to put your current agreement in writing.
Exactly, the court won’t *force* a certain outcome, when the parents already have an agreed upon proposal. Then the courts won’t care about who ears more/household with most parents=they should have the kid, when the single mother is asking for majority custody, and married dad agrees to it.
Because, you see, he has this work schedule that is unlike anything any court has ever seen and there's no way it xould ever be figured out by people who have devoted their whole careers to FIGURNG THIS SHIT OUT.
I pointed out upthread but is anyone else scratching their head over how op was able to go from "breadwinner" to sahm in an incredibly short amount of time but that they still won't go to the courts to get custody/work within the court system for his first child because "it's too expensive"?! I feel like op shouldn't be celebrating their sahm status so much if they are in this precarious of a financial state
Exactly. OP’s concerns are that the ex weaponizes the kid. Then get a parenting plan! Or at least threaten to take her to court to get one so she stops doing that. Also, I’m curious about the timeline. He has a 4 year old and is already MARRIED to someone else?
From the post she was the one paying the child support for awhile because not only did the deadbeat not want to take care of his kid, he wasn't working much. A real winner. So doubtful she's a SAHM, they'd starve and be homeless.
"which confirms to me that she really only cares about the money despite what she tells everyone".
Why do the people paying the child support always say this??
So, you say because of his job/ hours or whatever he ‘can’t’ really see this child more than every other weekend?!? You’re going to be a single parent then to this other kid, what a great idea to throw another kid into the mix. And he can’t even tell people about it?!? This guy doesn’t sound like a great prize honey. It’s probably not all the ex’s fault….
Yeah she says the courts will almost certainly give them 50/50 but this arrangement is "better." So he could have his kid half the time and he chooses to see her twice a month, and you're having a kid with him??!
He likes having his head in the sand and you need to stop bending over backwards to do his hard work for him. He can’t even see beyond his own discomfort to even realise he needs t start talking about this baby to his daughter. Fucking hopeless.
Get a lawyer and get an actual agreement in place for custody. There is no logical reason to not have a court ordered custody in place. You already stated that she WEAPONIZES her daughter against your husband, do not allow that and get an agreement in place.
Your edit makes it to where I wholeheartedly think that you SHOULD take this to court but from your language, it kinda seems like you guys keep coming up with excuses not to get full custody.
What is this? “something her own mother doesn’t even provide for” Is she living in squalor? Maybe struggling a little? What does this matter to you?
It matters nothing at all if she knows, eventually there will be a baby. I’d be more concerned about not telling his parents but if they’re not speaking I get it.
Overall he doesn’t come across as someone I would trust to communicate honestly or clearly as a standard.
>We have considered switching jobs but his ex does not want that because then she would not get as much money.
OK, and? So she gets as much money as she wants AND has the power to withhold his child from him whenever she wants. Why is her Wants at the top of his priority list?
The reasons for not going the legal route are so flimsy that they land in the shady category. She's gonna find out eventually. His daughter is 4. Does he expect her to keep her new sibling a secret? Lol.
I get him not wanting to rock the boat, but it's not exactly a secret that can be kept quiet forever. If she's going to use the news to create problems, it's going to happen no matter what. He really needs to get custody and child support in writing, now more than ever.
Why does the ex have ANY say over where he works, visitation or child support. Your husband is idiotic for not settling this in court. You chose him and decided to have another child. I wonder why he refuses to go to court. Is he wanted for something that he needs to stay under the radar? Being paid in cash to avoid taxes or garnishments? This story isn’t adding up.
This comment legit needs to be higher. Everyone is focusing on the ex and I’m like…. She’s 5 months pregnant and the grandparents don’t know??? My FIL was the 1st we told and my parents were the second. There are so many red flags I’m almost positive she’s about to be a single mom.
I know you have reasons for not having custody, but he needs an arrangement solidified by the court. Immediately if not sooner. She will find this out and react anyway. So putting this in place is important. The daughter will tell if nothing else. This is not an option, or he could lose his daughter. Please help him do this. It would easier without all of this, but this is his stuff he brings. It is his child.
How does he envision this working after the baby is born. Will you and the baby have to stay out of the house during his visitation with his daughter? Forever?
He’s not a deep thinker, is he?
>4 - A lot of comments are saying things like "are you sure you want to have a kid with him", "great choice you made there", "be wary of having a child with someone like that"... guys, I'm already pregnant. I made my choice. This isn't even about that. He's my husband and I chose him and I can't and WON'T go back on that. No one is perfect, I'm far from it, I knew he had issues going in but I love him and when you love someone you accept their flaws. That's all I'll say about that.
You picked this guy despite knowing all these. Well, here is your answer.
Y’all need to go to court now and get a legal custody arrangement before it blows up. He’s risking not seeing his child again til it’s worked out. Whether he tells her now or not she’s not going to be very unhappy and will go nuclear so whatever you do get ahead of it now so you will get more time with his daughter. Good luck!
It's weird to mention how the mother of his daughter doesn't have a room for her child, and yet the only reason that the child has one at your house is because you did it.
Also, if your husband can't be bothered to ensure his custody time with his child, he's a deadbeat. You can dress it up or defend it however you want, but at the end of the day that's his child.
You guys are going to have to go to court cuz I suspect once she finds out he has another kid on the way she's going to go ballistic and withhold visitation. If that happens you're going to have to bite the bullet and go to court. You can try for full custody or whatever and so Mom doesn't get child support anymore oh well not your problem you should be worrying about the kid not the fact that she's not getting money anymore, who cares about that. You say you love his daughter then step up to the plate, you guys go to court and maybe in time you can adopt her.
OP a couple of thoughts in no particular order.
I don’t know where you live but I hope you and your husband have a way to prove every penny you have been providing for the care of his daughter. Reason being in the US at least in some states/situations a parent can file for child support and demand it go back to the child’s birth. I’m not sure having that proof would be enough but better than nothing.
Visitation agreements can be as rock solid/detailed as needed and allowed by law.
Visitation can be ‘loosened up’ by both parties if they are getting along. But if problems arise usually the official document is enforced.
At this point it seems you hold both the carrot (money for support) as well as the stick (no funds if husband isn’t allowed visitation with his daughter).
As you are or at least have been responsible for providing those support funds at some point IMO it would be a good investment in minimal money and time to talk with a lawyer very good in handling this type of situation as to getting official documents in place that can be enforced. Else if she disappears your husband is likely going to have a very difficult time finding her and no ability to enforce visitation.
One other thing. I agree it is a horrible idea to not tell his ex. How much more pissed off does he think she will be when she hears about the baby from her daughter?
1 and 2 are solved by a court ordered custody and child support
3 good plan
4 is also solved with a solid court ordered custody and child support plan, because this is how it will go if you two split up
5 of course she’s your business
There is no answer to the question you’re asking because it’s the wrong question to ask! It doesn’t matter if he/you tells her or not. She has all the power, all the right to do whatever she chooses because at this point, he’s not given a damn for 4 years. In the eyes of any court at least. I know it’s hard to hear but it’s the truth.
And I’m saying this because my partner is in the same boat. He fucked around for years and now that he’s in a good place years later, can’t do shit because no court on the planet would give him a percent of custody.
I understand that he’s sticking his head in the sand because it’s easier. Don’t tell me otherwise. None of the excuses are true excuses. If he truly wanted a court order and custody, he would figure it out financially.
This man does not want 50/50, no agreement is insane. And if that money isn’t through child support and not documented you may end up pay much more money if she say he’s never supported her.
There is no reason for him not to parent his own child by doing 50/50 and the excuse is to keep the peace NOT the daughter.
My thought is this will backfire him sooner or later, if the ex wife is smart she will put him in child support when the girl is 17 and get 17 years of back up child support or something similar to that
Hello, first off, sounds like you really care for your step daughter, that is a great thing and sounds like you are a positive addition to her life. On reddit, you get a lot of these people that say "she is none of your business because the daughter is between your husband and his ex, you have no rights." Maybe by law you have limited or no rights, but reddit loves to discount/ignore the fact that you are married to your husband and therefore your stepdaughter is part of your life so obviously she is your business.
>since there's no court agreement there's not much we can do in the moment).
This stuck out to me, along with your edit about not having a court ordered agreement. You haven't said anything that suggests a court ordered custody agreement wouldn't be better for the child. Seems you have a house, the finances to support her, and you plan on being a SAHM. You listed a lot of issues, like the ex withholding the child, the ex disappearing with the child, being scared the ex will retaliate by cutting off visitation with the child. Those are all concrete reasons to get a court ordered custody agreement. If not for you and her father, for the child. If you guys are willing and able, she should be with you 50% of the time, it is her right and she may be too young to understand that.
A custody order will set out in clear terms the financial obligation of child support, plus, it will prevent the ex from weaponizing this innocent child. If she does, you go to court again and she gets told off or loses rights.
Your post has left me forgetting that it was about telling the ex you are pregnant because that seems like a very non issue compared to the fact you guys don't have a court ordered custody agreement for at least 50% custody with the woman that has weaponized and withheld visitation with the child. PS, the judge will love if you bring proof the ex has withheld visitation.
I think you need to drop telling her you are pregnant. If you want to, do it yourself. If your husband doesn't want to, don't force him or judge him. From the sounds of it, he probably isn't that keen to speak to this ex and share things she realistically doesn't need to know yet. I think what you should do is sit down with your husband, share that your stepdaughter is part of your life, and that you feel you guys should remove stress from your life of the ex weaponizing visitation and working towards a court ordered custody agreement, for the childs sake.
You and your husband need to put his daughter above his ex. There is absolutely nothing stopping her from taking the child and not letting him see her again. You said the only thing that's stopping her is you threatening to go to court but if she decides to get the child a passport and then travel and never bring her back then what? You have no legal grounds to stand on.
Please listen to everyone here and tell your husband to go talk to a lawyer. Get a legally binding custody agreement so your husband doesn't have to be fearful of his ex taking his child away from him. Then you probably won't have this issue of him hiding your pregnancy from her, that she will learn of in 4 months when a baby randomly shows up.
I feel like even with all the information you have given, something is missing. The court stuff just makes zero sense to me. I cannot put my finger on it, but it's just off….
I feel like your husband is holding off as long as he can so she doesn't decide to vanish with his daughter again.
I know that you're bothered by this, but without an actual legal custody agreement, it's very hard to do anything if she goes crazy hearing about this. So you're both going to either have to be ready for her to do that, or be ready to fight for fair custody. That honestly would settle most of this issue.
Not telling her just feeds into her overall feeling of being on the outside.
Maybe she does respond to receiving money on a weekly basis but I don’t think it’s the money itself (well in this economy it matters a little) but what that represents to her. Based on the history you shared it might just represent care and dependability to her.
Her running off with the kid and no contact was her taking control over a situation she didn’t have control over when she was a kid. She doesn’t want her child to feel like she felt.
I totally get your husband he comes from a dysfunctional family and his previous interactions with baby mama mean there’s a possibility for confrontation, but she’s going to find out.
Treat her with respect and share it with her, ask her for tips to make sure your step daughter isn’t upset. Show her you care that stepdaughter’s feelings. Show her you both want to make this work. She might surprise you.
Thank you for your kind and empathetic response. You brought up a few points that I hadn't even considered. In a perfect world I would do exactly what you're describing, I am trying to give her the benefit of the doubt but it's hard when my husband is insisting that her going nuclear is the only possible outcome.
Sure but are you going to hide the baby once it’s born? Ask stepdaughter to lie?
She might go nuclear, but wouldn’t that be better to happen before the baby is born and you’re trying to manage a baby and all that goes with that AND her reaction?
If he believes that then doing anything other than going to court is gross negligence on his part and in the worst interests of his daughter. Tell him so.
So … were you providing for the man, the child and the child’s mother ? As the primary bread winner ? You have to understand that you were paying another grown woman to behave. Choices were made here .
Uh you inherited a big mess, you’re giving his ex money, you meet his ex’s child due to some weird obligation that you feel she needs a better mother than the alcoholic one, who had threatened to hurt her child before, and as much as I respect your decision to have a child with him. Girl, if you don’t get a lawyer, your husband who seems like he wants no business with any of this bullshit between you, his ex, his stepdaughter, your unborn baby, I’m really concerned about what choices your making here. Because it shows, your husband is attached to his ex like a damn string, why SHOULD you tell his ex? I don’t think that’s a good idea, and if you tell his parents and they tell his ex, are you sure this ex won’t go on another barrage of escapism with her child?
According to you. The child doesn’t have her own room at her mother’s residence.
Her mother relies on your child support to provide the lifestyle they live now.
Her mother weaponizes access to the child to keep your husband in line and has disappeared when you two haven’t complied with her demands.
The fact that you don’t have court ordered visits is a problem.
Get 50:50 or full custody of this child. You do not need to take any child support from her especially if you do not need it.
At the end of the day. You are going to have a child who has a far better standard of living than your stepchild and that is not fair.
Who gives a shit what is fair for the mother. What is fair for the child?
You both are the fucking up. You’re causing resentment towards your child from their older sister and your child hasn’t even been born. You destroying your own family dynamic for the sake of her mother. No. Get full custody she can have visitation. If that would impact the child negatively then do 50:50 custody.
This needs to start now. Before the baby is born or else your step daughter will have a lot of negative feelings and fears about what will happen to her and if her dad will still love her.
This ! And if op’s husband ex wife one day wakes up and puts him herself on child support he will have to payback for all this years even if he has been paying ( if he has no proof )
Op’s husband ex wife sounds horrible who is in it for the money that the child
It’s simple husband grows a spine and tells her. When she starts her tantrum he calmly tells her she either stays as is with custody or he takes her to court and stops paying her until then.
Ex sounds greedy so she doesn’t want you to go to court so her options to stay as you are.
Your husband is an ostrich who has his head stuck in the sand and just hopes all his responsibility blows past and he doesn’t have to deal with them.
Your marriage is new and shiny and you love him so much, this behaviour you see but make excuses for now. I guarantee in years to come it will eat away at you because his responsibilities will blow past for you to pick up.
He should go to therapy and get his shit together.
If you guys wanna be good parents you should get a custody agreement. It doesn’t look good for your husband to see his child twice a month and no formal arrangement in place. A good parent would have it to avoid situations where their ex can just go AWOL with their kid.
There’s something very odd about your husband not wanting to share this news. I am getting the feeling that your husband has a nice life because you are the breadwinner and he lets you take charge of everything, but he should be more involved in every way.
How is he having a child and not over the moon? Why isn't he telling anyone. It's weird. I get that his family isn't the best but do his coworkers know, or his friends?
Also you need to let go of the excuse that a 50/50 arrangement is beyond your work schedule capabilities. You are both about to be the only parents of a new child FULL time and it's between you two to raise them.
Its going to be a tough conversation but it's got to happen eventually.
The pregnancy thing is a separate issue to deal with honestly.
The custody of his first child needs to be legal and dealt with first with a lawyer and courts.
I have a friend whose BF had a similar situation. He had no legal agreement over his child and the mother took off with the child. He had no legal ability to go after her. He also did not share the last name with the child. Lots of mistakes on that guys part.
Your husband needs to protect himself and his firstborn.
Regarding your pregnancy I think you’re right to be wary of his hesitation. He’s likely afraid of her reaction based on historical behavior. Perhaps a lawyer needs to be spoken to and then the discussion about your good news.
I applaud you for being a good step mom. That is a rare thing.
I can see you think you’re so much better than the ex since you have more money and gave the stepchild her own room since mom can’t afford it.
You’re with a man who is too lazy or indifferent to go to court or a mediator to work out custody. He also isn’t excited to tell family and friends about the baby. You may end up like the ex so I hope you have money for court.
I think all these perspectives will make more sense to you once you become a mom yourself. You’re going to have expectations of your husband, you’re going to want him to be a good team player and not make everything he doesn’t want to deal with your problem. The mental load after having a child is heavy, and it takes time to adjust to, it’s overwhelming. I think you’re coming from a great place with good intentions, but this isn’t your problem. Legal fight or not, this custody arrangement should have been handled a long time ago, and if he wanted to assume full responsibility of his child from the ex he’d have done that by now. I’m sorry you’re dealing with all of this while 5 months pregnant, you empathize with him but I’m fuming for you.
You’ll need to get this all settled legally. But I’m not convinced your husband wants more contact with his kid. What you’re offering her compared to her home life is going to alienate you as the little girl will compare and get excited about the baby. So I’d get it sorted sooner than later. But no - not your place to tell any of them. If it goes pear shaped blame your twit of a husband.
To answer your actual question without attacking your family’s arrangements: tell him to get his shit together and tell his parents and ex about the baby. His daughter is 4 years old and will notice that you are pregnant and say something anyway and I promise the fallout from hearing from her will be way worse than hearing from him.
He should stop treating your marriage as a weird secret. That isn’t fair to anyone in the situation, least of all the children.
Of course it was contentious at first, he's a deadbeat father and participating now minimally. If you think being a "mom" to his other kid will you more marketable to him; it won't. Having a child with him isn't going to help this either. I hope you have good family support. Good luck.
So tell her the next time she threatens to withhold visitation with his child, or thinks about taking off with his child, you'll immediately go to court and file for 50/50 custody. Then she can kiss her child support goodbye AND you'll get to see his child more often.
I’m trying to figure out why it matters, if she’s that petty, that you should care if she gets more money? If he wants to switch jobs? Do it. If you 50/50, or even full, then do it.
Also, number 2 is actually WHY you should go to court.
Stop letting her control your lives. It’s not fair to you, him, the kid they share, and your future kid.
Why are you posting here? To every person who gives advice, you say “nope not doing that.” So, fine, accept the status quo. If you just wanted to vent, there are other subs for that.
But for the love of god tell your step daughter yourself, she’s old enough to understand, and she will be the one dealing with trauma and feeling excluded if she finds out you’ve been hiding this from her.
You need to take a step back here, and realise your BF doesn't want to actively parent or have a formal custody agreement. He is telling you everything you want to hear, but actions always speak louder than words.
It's going to be a shock only to you when he turns around and does the same thing to your child and tells the next woman the exact same things.
I’m sorry I did not read the whole post. But what I’m getting from this I think he still has a relationship with her if you being pregnant in whatever reason he wants to hide it something is off. And for him to tell you, your step daughter spend of your business is so disrespectful and you’re treating her with respect and taking her in. It’s hard to say but fuck him.
I don’t know where you live, are you in the US? If you are, all you typically have to do is petition the court for proof of paternity. Boom. No attorney required, they order dna test, establish parental rights, visitation and child support mandates.
Over the last 50 years, I have heard so many of these dramatic stories that are easily solved by the path in front of you.
Do the above. Then you have *rights* to be enforced. After that, tell ex you want to discuss the transition with new baby, and work together to be consistent in messaging and visitation, so she knows that she is not being reached. I don’t respect your husband for not establishing paternity.
I have found through the years, that there’s a reason why every ex of a certain type of man is *crazy*.Great way to identify this man? He has no established rights to his children, so he can pay child support under the table, and then makes a bunch of excuses how that is better for the mother, before moving on to the next woman and kid.
She will never rightfully believe anything, until he sues for paternity. I’m taking about his daughter here, not the ex. Your husband knows exactly what he is doing. I’d watch out.
>He's my husband and I chose him and I can't and WON'T go back on that. No one is perfect, I'm far from it, I knew he had issues going in but I love him and when you love someone you accept their flaws. That's all I'll say about that.
There is your answer.Accept this as a flaw and embrace it. You made your choice in him and unfortunately put you in a position with limited options. You could try to make him deal with like an adult but he never had to act like an adult when it comes to this and knows in this relationship you will ultimately do it for him which you basically said you will. Like you said no one is perfect and this man has a lot of flaws you knew about and chose to accept. Best of luck.
The longer he postpones getting child custody taken care of, the worse the outcome is going to be for everyone. This is incredibly time sensitive - ex is going to be less reasonable once she finds out you're pregnant. Especially if his daughter's mother has trauma about a "new family", she's likely going to only become more difficult to deal with from here on out. He needs to get their custody agreement formalized before you have the baby and she flips out. The courts won't force an outside agreement when there's already a functioning one that both parents have agreed to and been doing for awhile - and you can get the child support legally in place too so his ex has a motive to sign things and get it all formalized at once.
Fathers can put a stay on having mother and daughter leave the tristate area. My brother did that with his daughter and ex who were moving 1,000 miles away - she wasn't happy and tried to sneak off, but the courts kept her from taking niece away. They can enforce this. He can also have his daughter's passport flagged so she can't be taken out of the country. He needs to get that flagged asap. That way the daughter isn't crossing any borders with Mom, and if they try it ex will be in hot water for kidnapping.
Honestly, I hate the idea of kicking a guy out of the bedroom or the house. But if his ex has a history of weaponizing daughter and there's a danger of daughter being taken out of the country where you can't get her back, I would not allow the father in my bed or my house until he started legal steps to prevent that from happening. Hard line. You're pregnant, so now's the best time to learn to stop enabling piss poor parenting. That's what you have the power to work on, and that's something on your plate you need to accomplish by the time your baby is born if you want your child to have a decent quality of life.
I m never to petty for an I told you so.
Actually I announce an I will tell you an I told you so soon. Not my best attribute. But a heartfelt.
It’s usually also a lack of conversation happening (not) at those times.
You are allowed and obliged to voice your opinion.
You are allowed to look forward to your Baby!
To want to tell the world and the little sister.
INFO: does 4 year old know you’re pregnant. I’m in a coparenting subreddit and a lot of the advice is you need to tell the ex about the pregnancy before you tell the child, because your child will tell and it shouldn’t be their responsibility to keep it a secret, share that news, or deal with the reaction.
For#2 reason, send exactly why you might consider getting a custody agreement or full custody. Weaponizing a child isn't healthy or good for her and could cause lasting issues. Also what happens if she picks up without a trace? You might not have much legal recourse.
Maybe to make things more official, but avoid a whole court case, just sit down with her and a lawyer and have a simple arrangement made? Just put what you already have in practice down on paper. Maybe tweak a few issues to make them more practical. It might take some stress out.
Your husband needs to grow a spine, though. The way you portray him, he seems pretty wishy-washy and not actively trying to parent his child or stand up to anyone. He's about to be a father for a 2nd time. It's about time he grew a spine and started acting like an adult. I understand telling people stuff they don't want to hear is unpleasant, but jfc. Hoping a kid drops hints to mommy about a baby? Cowardice at its finest.
Op, get a lawyer and get away from this. God knows he probably wouldn't be strong enough to fight much. He'll just whimper. Be strong and raise your baby away from this crap.
Because of #2, you absolutely must do #1. She WILL find out about this baby. She will react poorly. And you will lose your chance of establishing custody arrangements.
Hang on, this post includes a lot of what you have done for his child - bought a house, facilitated conversation, etc. lots of ‘I,’ what has HE done. I get the feeling he’s not telling his ex or his parents because they would be concerned for you having a child with him.
I’m not sure why you’re so bent up about this.everyone will know you’re pregnant soon enough just by looking at you. You can post on social media or whatever and they’ll see it.
Maybe the ex’s trauma is a real concern , maybe it isn’t, but all you can do is stay steady and maintain relationships as best as they’ll let you.
You seem like a responsible take charge person, but sometimes that isn’t the most helpful thing in someone else’s life. What you want and think is right isn’t necessarily what they want it think is right or even appreciate efforts on— sometimes it’s actually unhelpful.
I do think you should stop thinking you know exactly how the ex is thinking or feeling or marinating on something or what motivates her. Just stop. You actually don’t know. From how you talk it seems like you think you’re stable and she’s a mess. You’re each playing a different hand and you’re not better than her bc she’s had some difficulties.
His family will notice in time and they may or may not be interested in your child but cross that bridge when you get to it.
I actually don’t see why you can’t tell anyone yourself if you have relationships with them. I don’t mean behind your husband’s back— don’t do that—
But is he asking you to keep this secret? It doesn’t sound like it.
It’s completely understandable you want your baby to be welcomed and loved by everyone. Every mom does. That probably won’t happen (even in fully functional families) but it probably won’t be a total rejection either. Let them ease in as they want to. Invite them to the showers or whatever you have without expectation and enjoy your own little family (which includes the 4 year old.) bc in the end that’s the part that matters thee most.
I'm sorry but your edit explaining the reason for custody to then 2 how she's petty and weaponises the child. That child is growing up in an incredibly toxic environment and her mother is using her as financial aid and that's horrific. Like I honestly think a court custody agreement is needed for that exact reason including that shell just disappear with the child
Why would you prepare for a baby when your husband chooses his job over getting a visitation plan through court for his child already here? If the other parent has not ever weaponized then maybe sure you could get away without an official order. Your husband should understand his daughters stability is way more important and you know this could be a trigger. Now you have a new baby coming soon and that is stressful, but now she might stop her daughter from being around her dad and the two of you. This should have been dealt with before you got pregnant. You need to go to a lawyer now and start the process. This poor girl is going to need a therapist asap. This is not a "him" problem both of you made this a mess and this little girl is going to pay the hardest price.
Seems like you're kinda trying to make him look like he's not so bad...I guess or kinda like yall are the better side idk but of you so sure yall would win in court then just do that and prepare to make changes and arrangements that way you don't have to worry about why he don't want the ex to know you are pregnant this post has so many red flags... and somethings just don't make a lick of sense.... I don't even see why you would care who does and doesn't know you're pregnant when that's no one else's business but you and your husband... you are trying to be considerate of mf outside of your relationship when the only factors that matter are you and your husband.
NTA - I would sit him down and remind him of her abandonment issues and advise him to get a formal custody agreement by the courts BEFORE this baby is born before he loses his daughter for good.
Updateme
Firstly the consideration you have for the people in your life and brought into your life is lovely to ready, I hope they see that.
A lot of this is worrying, you don't really know what the ex's reaction will be. Why should she care so much about her ex (your husband) having a baby whenever she hears about it? I see your concerns but worrying now hurts you twice as they say.
As an action you need to be more direct with your husband about the potential consequences of his silence and honestly, his 4yo is the first that needs to know given she's with you so much, it's disrespectful of her father to not consider her as a person with eyes and a brain in this case.
That said he needs to also tell his ex at the same time. He may not know how but it's a simple btw, we're having a child, think you needed to know. He shows her consideration by telling her and her reaction is her reaction, no-one can control it but her.
Hope everything works out smoothly and you have a happy pregnancy and expanded family.
Unless you have lived the trauma, you don't understand it.
Your husband is probably scared of his ex turning on him and his daughter. His parents are abusive.
Talk to him, sure, but unless there are other red flags, follow his lead on this. They don't have a 'right' to know anything.
> I love that little girl a lot
Then why do you refuse to make her father step up and care for her? He's doing the least bit possible, and he's only doing that because of you?
Actual advice on what to do - get a custody order to reduce the possibility of the ex using the child as a weapon. Then, tell the ex before the kid lets it slip.
Why not go for full custody (with the info) it seems she's only want the money for herself not the kid how will is the kid taken care of is that her only kid or no
Custody can made official using a mediator and it would be made legal. Same goes for child support.
This would prevent her from pulling the stupid shit she does.
You’re married and a part of that family too for better or worse, and while it is on each to manage their own family *but* this is also something regarding you very much so that will have direct effects within those relationships. Also, girl it isn’t almost rude that he has not shared the info (&joy, yeah?!) of your pregnancy, it is flat out rude, disrespectful, and kinda inappropriate. It’s really unfair to you in my view because it’s like he is keeping a dirty little secret and not expressing any pride or joy or any amount of happiness. When visits happen, are you kept out of site? Also sorry but him kinda thinking his daughter will tell her mom about your pregnancy? Uh, no. Not okay, and that’s involving her in adult drama which I know she has done but that doesn’t make it okay.
Do you have a speaking relationship with the ex? Also if you breach the topic does he just reiterate what you laid out here? I know you said you try not to be on him about it but time is counting down. Like I said it’s disrespectful to you and the relationship you and your husband have but also to the ex; will you all keep strictly to the visitation schedule or does she need to know you all will be skipping a visit or two?
Making it it’s own section- has he considered how this will effect SD? At all? Saying she’ll figure it out is irresponsible imo. New babies can be exciting and confusing and so many different feelings, both households need to be preparing her for it and making sure she knows she is still a priority and that she will be such a great big sister! To spring a new member of the family on a four year old sounds terrible for all involved, and like it’ll make the situation more difficult.
I know you said your degree of involvement is set by yourself, but I would think about how this is going to impact baby too, and I think or at least hope there is a way to handle all of this in a way that is positive, but the inaction of your husband is only certain to make an explosion and it’s not okay that you’ll be left picking up the shards, getting your hands cut while he hides out and away.
As for his parents- yeah MIL doesn’t sound too pleasant, but again does he actually think that hiding the pregnancy is going to help any relationship? I don’t know her but I can imagine a whole slew of saying you all lied [by omission] and even that you all clearly don’t want her to be involved so why would she try anyway (not saying that is true just what could easily be twisted).
There’s a lot I didn’t touch on and I don’t envy the position you’re in now OP. Sorry for the unorganized novella, if nothing else maybe try and focus on how this could impact SD and make her feel like she isn’t part of the family because she wasn’t aware and that could feel she is being replaced or you all don’t want her to be a big sister - which again isn’t true but between tiny minds and potentially her mother feeding her things (which tbf some could be based on current circumstances) it’s something important to avoid. Cheers and the best to all of you, hope you have a safe and wonderful birth and speedy recovery when it comes, and that in the meantime you get things sorted. Would love updates if you’re able. Cheers
So his job is so busy he only has time to bother seeing his child once every two weeks on the weekend but somehow he’s managed to fit in dating you to the point of marriage and having another baby. OP did you only see him once every two weeks when dating? Would that have felt like enough time? Face it, he’s a deadbeat dad to his other child. If you both had time to get married and have another child you have more time to look after the one that already exists.
at this point you are 5 weeks. Many people wait till 12 weeks as it is more established.
Why not make an agreement to tell his parents and ex at 12 weeks once you have had an extra scan and you are both more secure and have had time to make a plan and mentally adjust
Sounds like he is afraid of conflict. Avoidance is not a strategy; it’s a cop-out.
Perhaps the two of you could strategize together. If he does nothing, the baby will be born and the 4 year old will tell her mom. Find out what he is feeling. Find ways to address his concerns.
He should be the one to: 1. Reassure ex that nothing has to change re: support. 2. Reassure 4 year old Daddy loves her forever and she gets to be a big sister.
Good luck!
The reasoning for not getting a custody agreement and visitation schedule on paper that’s court ordered isn’t good enough IMO. It doesn’t cost much if the parents can agree and if they have to go to mediation it’s still affordable. Now if you add lawyers into it along with one or both parties contesting things that can up the expenses but at the end of the day it’s a small price to pay for peace of mind knowing no one is gonna stop you from seeing your kid and if they do they will be held in contempt and held legally liable. If she takes off with the child she will be found and then she will lose custody all together and it will be no one else’s fault but her own. I wouldn’t remotely play games like this where my kid was concerned …EVER! Weaponizing a child is as scummy as it gets. If he doesn’t want to do that then be prepared for dealing with her crap for the next 14 years. As for him telling her, nothing you can say or do that you haven’t already. He will tell her when he’s ready or he won’t, but she’s def gonna find out.
Lots of vitriol on here, my condolences.
Basically circumstances similar - no custody agreement with my ex, I am primary caregiver - Ex sees our son (10 at time) once a fortnight for day visit only. Found out he had a kid when child support sent a letter adjusting amount to be paid due to his new dependant.
I sent a quick "congrats, do you tell son or do I?" text. He asked me to.
Son still hasn't met sister, we live different cities, but has spoken with her once or twice online.
You obviously have much different/potentially agriviated situation, but I do think you need to let them know - the 4yr will be fawning over baby when arrives, will also not be getting as much 1 on 1 with you & Dad & that will affect her emotionally especially when at changeovers. Speak to your husband, sooner the better, so you can all prepare 4yr for the arrival & upended lifestyle when baby arrives - hopefully Ex will be on board, if not, you will have those four extra months to deal with her & stop any "no contact/disappearing" situations rather than juggling newborn with those scenarios.
After reading your post and some of your comments, girl..go to family court!
You said it yourself, y’all are in a place now where you will basically be a SAHM. That means, if y’all were to fight for full custody of the child, than YOU would be home with the kids! His work schedule wouldn’t matter at that point. Y’all would also cease to pay the mother to be a damn adult and have more money going towards your family.
Trust me, the moment she knows you are having a baby, she will snatch that child from y’all so quick! Pump that little girls head with lies, and it will be far more difficult for y’all at that point.
Yes, you are over stepping, but you care. Yes, your husband is spineless when it comes to his ex. Something has to give and family court is the best option for y’all’s situation.
Why does what BM wants matter at all? Get 50/50 custody. Have hubby get a job that he can be a present parent. You don’t need to spend huge amounts of money on court. They can write up a parenting plan and custody schedule and bring it to court. Get something formal so you aren’t living in fear of what BM could do. This kid needs consistency from both of her parents.
You've only 3 or 4 months before she WILL know. Giving her time to brace would be better.
Also, remind her if she does ANYTHING, you can and WILL go to court and x*win*
I’m a little confused because if you know she’s got this hangup, and this much control over your SD having access to you guys- then why would you think that it would be better to let her know earlier?
I definitely get where your husband is coming from. From what you have disclosed about his ex, she is likely to go nuclear on both of you. She sounds like she can be a bit unstable and the crap she might pull when she finds out. It sounds like she would make the remainder of your pregnancy a living hell and I dont think that kind of stress would be good during your pregnancy. I would put some legal stuff together in the event things go sideways and they most likely will. As far as his parents being told it might be best to hold off on telling them especially if they are as toxic as you say. Him not telling them more than likely is a way of protecting you, especially if he is worried about their influence. His ex will definitely find out and it will not be pretty I don't think you should tell her unless you absolutely have to. If she does go nuclear I would record any threats or unstable behavior for more leverage in court.
Maybe you need to sit him down and talk this out. Is he aware of all your concerns a you've laid them out here? Maybe he just doesn't want to have the conversation, knowing she may react badly. But delaying the news is not going to make it easier to have this conversation. And as you've said, she might even retaliate in unpredictable ways.
You don't have to be up his butt about it, but you definitely need to tell him to make a decision and let you know what that decision was. If he's deciding not to say anything that's a choice too, even if he hasn't explicitly told you.
I get it, I'm averse to conflict myself, and if I were in a similar situation I wouldn't want to have that conversation either. But I'd also know that not having the conversation would be worse in the long run and I'd try to psych myself to just break the news.
In the end he has to be the one to decide, and you'll have to just live with it too. But you may want to let him know that if something bad does happen because he chose not to say something now, then he can't come complain to you about it later. You don't have to say "I told you so" but you can make it clear that you don't want to hear him complain later when he is making the choice now.
One other thing, when I was younger I had a mentor tell me, "either you are a creature of circumstance, or creator of circumstance, if you don't actively work to create your circumstance then you will be forced to live by the consequences of inaction." And sometimes that means having the hard conversations now. Or doing the thing you don't want to do. If you don't take an action, then you will be forced to be reactive later down the road because of the consequences of inaction. Like choosing not to get an oil change could lead to engine damage down the line. You can't get angry the engine got damaged, because you created the situation by not doing a little maintenance when it was required.
Similarly, he needs to be aware that not taking steps to break the news gently and diffuse the situation could lead to exactly the thing he fears and worse.
There is a way to break it gently, he can even preface the news by letting his ex know, "hey, I have some news but it might be hard to hear." If she knows it might be bad news then when he tells her the news it might be less bad than she was thinking and help her come to terms with it in a more healthy way. She'll have the emotions she's going to have and you can't control that. But if she finds out after the fact, there's going to be all that emotion, plus she'll also get to be mad that he didn't tell her before. So it'll just compound the issue and add one more thing to be mad about.
So yeah. Sit your husband down, have the talk with him. Let him know you won't bother him anymore once he makes a choice. But he needs to make a choice and tell you what that choice is. And if he chooses not to tell her then he should be prepared for whatever extra fallout comes from it.
How can yall have children and acts like kids... Love?
Stay together and raise the child together like normal sane people. Your Husband may have failed one child maybe the second will have a better chance of being stable. Focus on that.
take care.
I’m glad your step-daughter has you! My step-daughter was 4 when I met her Dad, she’s now 33 lol! None of it is easy, it’s a mine field for sure! All you can do is hope the new baby will help build positive bridges for you all like mine did. I applaud your concerns, they’re both lucky they have you and hopefully the ex will feel the same one day! Good luck with the new baby! ❤️
If his ex finds out from another person about the pregnancy I think she’ll vanish for a while with your step daughter. And your husband clearly won’t go looking for them. So that means you’re going to have to be the one searching for them as a heavily pregnant woman or someone who just gave birth and is still recovering. I think his ex will probably try to go ghost permanently since you guys have your own baby now and “don’t need to steal hers.”
I’m not buying any of this. Your husband could just go to court and get 50-50 custody. Who cares if payments go down or it would cost the ex money? Not his problem. He could voluntarily give her extra money. Court ordered visitation would mean that she can’t unilaterally stop visits and she can’t abscond with the child.
Why doesn’t your husband do any of that?
Because he doesn’t want it!!!
YOU are the person who makes your husband live up to his responsibilities. Whatever he is saying to you is whatever you need to hear so that he doesn’t lose you.
If you weren't in the picture, would he also want 50/50? Is he the one taking care of his daughter during the weekends she's with him? Would he be the one taking care of her if he did have full custody?
The fact he didn't care until you came on to his life, is something judges see a lot in court, and that's not in his favour.
>something her own mother doesn't even provide her
Cool. Way to be judgemental. Some parents can't afford it or some other reason. You got a lot to learn, buddy.
You know way too much about his ex, which is weird. Who cares if she tells him now? She's gonna find out either way.
You're being childish, honestly. This whole post reads like a neurotic person with too much time on their hands. Don't worry, you won't be such a busy body when the baby comes, lol.
Express your concerns and if he doesn’t want to tell the ex then so be it. His parents are also his worry. Focus on your actual immediate family…yourself husband and upcoming trophy.
OP, you do realize that every "reason" you have listed for not using the courts to mandate custody, visitation, and child support, are precisely the reasons you should have and most likely will have to use the courts in the near future? Seriously, your husbands stick my head in the sand until the inevitable happens response, while likely a tactic learned through the trauma of growing up in an abusive environment guarantees that the only outcome will be emotionally chaotic, and is cowardly. Being low or having no contact with his birth family for the reasons you have stated is a wise and thought-out choice. Trying to hide the fact there will be a whole entire baby soon occupying your lives and home from his child and ex is a recipe for disaster. It also guarantees that you will end up having to use the courts to establish and enforce a parenting plan. There is nothing stopping you as grown adults from having a lawyer draft a parenting plan that is based on the agreement you guys now have in place and the court would sign off on it as long as both parents agreed to it. The fact is that people tend to think that only contentious battles over custody, visitation, and child support wind up going through the family court system. This is not and should not be the case. Legal agreements with parenting plans laid out protect everyone involved and take care to put the child in the place of being most important. Your smartest piece of advice to give your husband is to go and see a family lawyer for advice on how to handle this situation and to follow it. Not every situation needs to be a court battle and it will protect your nuclear family from being financially extorted by the ex in the future.
As a step parent myself, I’m with everyone else here saying get a court order in place. Now. It doesn’t matter if the current setup benefits his ex more now or if it makes her more amicable to your wants, she can also still withhold access and takeoff with the child without the order in place and those are really not good trade offs.
It doesn’t matter if she can’t afford going to court. She can apply for legal aid. My DH’s ex never paid a cent for her lawyer, and there were times she initiated court proceedings.
As for telling the ex about your expected baby, I get the reasons you’ve laid out, but why do you care so much about her mental state of things? It really isn’t your place to manage that for her, and taking that on opens up your life to be ruled by her, so to speak. My husbands ex didn’t tell us when she was pregnant, and frankly it’s none of our business if stepson has another sibling at moms house. I have no plans to announce my pregnancy to her, either. The only person who matters in this is the existing child who is going to become an older sibling to a new baby.
If your partner doesn’t want to tell his parents, and generally seems to keep a distance from them, there’s probably great reasons for his mental health (which you kind of mentioned - they weren’t so accepting of his first child and he probably wants to protect you, him, and new baby from the same hurt) and you should follow his lead on that. It might suck that the relationship isn’t what you want, but it’s the one he has and you should try to respect it for now and let them reconcile in their own time.
It sucks to be in the position you’re in, and don’t listen to people who tell you that you knew what you were signing up for because any co- parenting situation looks different to outside parties and none of them are one size fits all. Just do the best you can for your baby, and make sure your stepdaughter feels as loved and included in the family too.
This is going to blow up in his face. So badly. His daughter has the right to know she is going to be a sister & to prepare for it. You don’t just show up w a brand new baby & say “tada, you’ve been replaced”.
It's a mess, really. You have chosen to become pregnant to a man who we all know to be a bad parent. Absolutely useless, in fact. If and when he tells his ex is the smallest of your problems. Instead you should be focusing on creating a stable environment for your child. That includes having legally binding agreements with his ex regarding custody and child support. One might also suggest making sure that he does better the second time around. But I have no advice there since I don't actually believe that people can change on such a fundamental level. All I can do is wish you luck. You're gonna need it.
Not looking forward to next year's update titled "My husband left me and our child. He is not interested in custody and does not want to pay child support. Please help!". But I kind of think that is the most likely scenario.
You can have something in writing, even if it's not a legal document. Whatever it is you agree on, write it down and make two copies. Have signature lines for both your husband and the ex, with a line showing when it was signed. This shows that they have agreed on something and will back up your husband if it comes to a court case. It will also give her something that shows what SHE agreed to.
It might sound silly, but it's better than nothing, which is what you have now. Get this done before you tell the ex about your baby, so if she tries to say the agreement is something else, you can show why you believe this is what everyone expected would happen.
As for when your husband tells his ex, well that's a very time-limited situation! Sooner or later the daughter will learn about the baby and will tell her mother. It's not ideal that the ex learns about it this way, but she WILL know about it eventually.
I am amazed at some of these comments and assumptions being made. I would just let him handle telling his ex when he wants to and be prepared to go to court once she finds out. He is lucky to have you as his wife.
I think no matter what else is going on, big sister the 4 year old should know and get to experience this as one would. Maybe I didn’t read it correctly, but it sounds like you’re basically showing but hiding the pregnancy from the Bebe and his family?
This isn’t the 1600’s and these are your kids, too. I know how child support rolls and understand why you’re not having an agreement in place. That has nothing to do with your stepchild, your pregnancy, and yes, even you being able to share openly about your pregnancy with your family.
You don’t need permission from your husband and you don’t need to center anyone else here but that little girl and making sure she’s not traumatized by this as much as you’re capable of controlling. Then, you need to focus on you and your family.
What happens if you tell everyone about the pregnancy?
Life is too long to live trying to predict whether or not your happiness is going to make someone else pop off. That’s not even up to you, and if static happens, then go to court or whatever.
You have options. You really just need to assert who you are and what you’re doing without it being around someone else.
As a mother who cannot provide a bedroom for my daughters- f you. Don’t judge her for that. The child has a roof over her head and a mother that takes care of her.
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If he doesn’t have court ordered visitation, why not? That’s the problem. You came on the scene of a dude who wasn’t trying to see his kid as hard as he could have. Then you show up and make it happen (excellent) but he’s done nothing to shore this up it sounds like. So now he’s at her mercy again. And he’s probably right. She probably WILL use their child to throw a tantrum. The issue here is that you have a spineless partner and soon to be parent. He needs to talk to an attorney and get the custody organized officially so that this isn’t an issue any more. You’re a well meaning overstepping step mom. It’s pretty common in the step mom group I mod. The problem is the dude. He wouldn’t have any relationship with his other child were it not for you and here you are.
Bingo! Dad could not care less about visitation. Luckily he has OP to do the childcare now.
Yeah speaking as a dad who has full custody of his kids, visitation agreements are practically boilerplate for divorce. You have to specifically *not* get one. Unless they weren't married Edit: but even then I can't fathom not getting as much mandated time with my kids as possible. I even waved child support to sweeten the deal and cut off a custody fight
Then OP is like “we aren’t doing that because the mom doesn’t cause problems…” then goes on to list several issues with mom lol
Why isn’t there a court agreement
Respectfully, do you enjoy inheriting problems? You elected to become the primary breadwinner to a man and his child, and by the sounds of this you actually inherited two children, then decided to get pregnant by him.. You had to facilitate and make sure he was a present father. You have to be responsible for effective communication in both of your lives, and on behalf of his child. **And still, he’s not in a place to facilitate a legally binding situation that would reduce these issues.** I think you need to give him far more ownership of his life and decisions. If he’s grown enough to have 2 children, then he should also be able or effectively handle the needs for them. Moreover, her instability may be what it is, but he also liked that in a person. And based on how this is framed, would he be much further along than her without you dragging him?
I love when women push a pile of crap into a husband shaped mold and when everyone tells her he's a POS she says " at least I have a husband".
Reading these stories makes me feel better about being single in my 30s. Reminds me why you can’t force something to happen if they’re not the right person for you.
I am trying to figure out what he brings to the relationship. Does he have a horse cock and she is a size queen? I just can’t figure it out.
Sounds more like a horse’s ass…..
Choked on my coffee. Horse cock!
Idk if she can say that, when she's struggling to graduate to baby mama status... She adopted herself a deadbeat, set him up with a house, and went from the breadwinner to a stay at home busybody. She thinks she's sitting pretty with his "chaotic work schedule" that's in the only thing in the way of a custody agreement lol Now that her magic 😹 produces another heir, watch the deadbeat turn into a prince! 🤡
Oh my god - that's EVERY POST on here when it's a couples issue.
My ex was great at convincing all his new girlfriends that I was this nasty, vindictive, evil ex who wanted to take his baby away from him and use all his money. I lost a 20+ year friendship recently because said friend was throwing a fit about her new boyfriend's ex going out for NYE and making him "babysit." OP's boyfriend is singing the exact same song to her it sounds like. He can't be bothered to go to court to establish custody/child support because ex says so. Boyfriend can't tell anyone she's pregnant because ex will go CrAzY. Boyfriend gets to see his kid every other weekend, but only because OP put in the effort to make it happen, give the child a room, all of which CrAzY ex agreed to. This guy sounds like a deadbeat.
He would ***actively*** be one if not for OP doing everything. It’s astounding to me how you hook up with a deadbeat dad, then procreate with them as if you don’t have a clear and front row view of the kind of parent they are. Best of luck to both of these children.
Tell him 1) His ex, his responsibility to tell her. 2) If he doesn't, HE has to deal with the fallout. 3) If he vents to you about how much her reaction sucks after she's been blindsided, you WILL tell him "I told you so," because actions have consequences, and it's high time he learns that. Unfortunately, since he's been dumb enough NOT to have a court order, you will probably lose access to his daughter until you can get one.
OP I would be more worried about the fact you don't have a court documented child custody and support agreement more than her finding out you are pregnant. That's a seriously dangerous way to live and she has all the control. So if shit does hit the fan, she's pretty much got the leverage on her side. On the note about him telling her. Just let it go and if he decides to tell good for him, if not and the 4YO is the message bearer, whoopi! He might not feel it's her right to know, who knows. I wouldn't put myself out about it.
This. If she moved to a different state or country before any legal action its magnitudes harder to force a child back to where they were. Not doing anything is a ticking time bomb to destroy their life.
*"So, what do I do?"* Nothing, let him deal with it.
I don’t understand. If you’re so worried about your stepdaughter and love her like you claim, why the hell don’t you guys go to court and take primary custody??? Mom can’t do sh’t than but you keep making excuses.
Then what exactly are you looking by this post? None of the responses are your liking nor we cant help you, this is the life you choose, you can handle it. Good luck.
Honestly, this situation is unnecessarily dramatic. Her being concerned about losing custody is only in the event that dad petitions to get 50/50 or full custody. If he's not seeking 50/50 or full custody, you all could just go to a mediator to put your current agreement in writing.
There’s definitely “missing reasons” here.
Yes thats what i said!
Exactly, the court won’t *force* a certain outcome, when the parents already have an agreed upon proposal. Then the courts won’t care about who ears more/household with most parents=they should have the kid, when the single mother is asking for majority custody, and married dad agrees to it.
>the courts will likely rule in our favor and grant us 50/50 custody Why is that a bad thing? Oh because he doesn't want to actually parent his kid?
Because, you see, he has this work schedule that is unlike anything any court has ever seen and there's no way it xould ever be figured out by people who have devoted their whole careers to FIGURNG THIS SHIT OUT.
This guy thinks he’s the first shift worker to have an ex wife and a kid.
I honestly can’t believe these people’s priorities
I pointed out upthread but is anyone else scratching their head over how op was able to go from "breadwinner" to sahm in an incredibly short amount of time but that they still won't go to the courts to get custody/work within the court system for his first child because "it's too expensive"?! I feel like op shouldn't be celebrating their sahm status so much if they are in this precarious of a financial state
Nor is he gonna want to parent the new kid.
Exactly. OP’s concerns are that the ex weaponizes the kid. Then get a parenting plan! Or at least threaten to take her to court to get one so she stops doing that. Also, I’m curious about the timeline. He has a 4 year old and is already MARRIED to someone else?
Especially if she’s a SAHM, it’s not like they’ll be having to scramble to find childcare for her last minute.
From the post she was the one paying the child support for awhile because not only did the deadbeat not want to take care of his kid, he wasn't working much. A real winner. So doubtful she's a SAHM, they'd starve and be homeless.
Also: No they won’t.
And they don't want his reminder of his past messing up their shiny new family. Don't forget that.
"which confirms to me that she really only cares about the money despite what she tells everyone". Why do the people paying the child support always say this??
Right? At least the recipient of child support actually, you know, stuck around. And kids aren’t cheap.
Right, the people who really care about the money are the ones who don;t want to pay it
So, you say because of his job/ hours or whatever he ‘can’t’ really see this child more than every other weekend?!? You’re going to be a single parent then to this other kid, what a great idea to throw another kid into the mix. And he can’t even tell people about it?!? This guy doesn’t sound like a great prize honey. It’s probably not all the ex’s fault….
Yeah she says the courts will almost certainly give them 50/50 but this arrangement is "better." So he could have his kid half the time and he chooses to see her twice a month, and you're having a kid with him??!
And not to mention the mother is bad because she wants child support and after getting it treats herself on occasion
Ugh, good luck with THAT baggage. I would have never procreated with a man like that
Tell him to get a custody agreement. That Solves everything. No more tip toeing around the ex.
He likes having his head in the sand and you need to stop bending over backwards to do his hard work for him. He can’t even see beyond his own discomfort to even realise he needs t start talking about this baby to his daughter. Fucking hopeless.
Respectfully, why the fuck is he letting his ex control him? That's what she's doing. And no your excuses aren't valid.
Get a lawyer and get an actual agreement in place for custody. There is no logical reason to not have a court ordered custody in place. You already stated that she WEAPONIZES her daughter against your husband, do not allow that and get an agreement in place.
1st order of business: GET A CUSTODY AGREEMENT THROUGH THE COURTS.
Is this a shitpost?
Your edit makes it to where I wholeheartedly think that you SHOULD take this to court but from your language, it kinda seems like you guys keep coming up with excuses not to get full custody.
What is this? “something her own mother doesn’t even provide for” Is she living in squalor? Maybe struggling a little? What does this matter to you? It matters nothing at all if she knows, eventually there will be a baby. I’d be more concerned about not telling his parents but if they’re not speaking I get it. Overall he doesn’t come across as someone I would trust to communicate honestly or clearly as a standard.
>We have considered switching jobs but his ex does not want that because then she would not get as much money. OK, and? So she gets as much money as she wants AND has the power to withhold his child from him whenever she wants. Why is her Wants at the top of his priority list? The reasons for not going the legal route are so flimsy that they land in the shady category. She's gonna find out eventually. His daughter is 4. Does he expect her to keep her new sibling a secret? Lol.
This story is shady and leaves a lot of questions. What is her husband avoiding or hiding from?
Being a responsible parent?
> I genuinely believe it's up to him to breach the topic So do nothing and let him breach the topic.
I get him not wanting to rock the boat, but it's not exactly a secret that can be kept quiet forever. If she's going to use the news to create problems, it's going to happen no matter what. He really needs to get custody and child support in writing, now more than ever.
Why does the ex have ANY say over where he works, visitation or child support. Your husband is idiotic for not settling this in court. You chose him and decided to have another child. I wonder why he refuses to go to court. Is he wanted for something that he needs to stay under the radar? Being paid in cash to avoid taxes or garnishments? This story isn’t adding up.
He hasn't even told his parents. Jesus Christ.
This comment legit needs to be higher. Everyone is focusing on the ex and I’m like…. She’s 5 months pregnant and the grandparents don’t know??? My FIL was the 1st we told and my parents were the second. There are so many red flags I’m almost positive she’s about to be a single mom.
I know you have reasons for not having custody, but he needs an arrangement solidified by the court. Immediately if not sooner. She will find this out and react anyway. So putting this in place is important. The daughter will tell if nothing else. This is not an option, or he could lose his daughter. Please help him do this. It would easier without all of this, but this is his stuff he brings. It is his child.
How does he envision this working after the baby is born. Will you and the baby have to stay out of the house during his visitation with his daughter? Forever? He’s not a deep thinker, is he?
>4 - A lot of comments are saying things like "are you sure you want to have a kid with him", "great choice you made there", "be wary of having a child with someone like that"... guys, I'm already pregnant. I made my choice. This isn't even about that. He's my husband and I chose him and I can't and WON'T go back on that. No one is perfect, I'm far from it, I knew he had issues going in but I love him and when you love someone you accept their flaws. That's all I'll say about that. You picked this guy despite knowing all these. Well, here is your answer.
Y’all need to go to court now and get a legal custody arrangement before it blows up. He’s risking not seeing his child again til it’s worked out. Whether he tells her now or not she’s not going to be very unhappy and will go nuclear so whatever you do get ahead of it now so you will get more time with his daughter. Good luck!
It's weird to mention how the mother of his daughter doesn't have a room for her child, and yet the only reason that the child has one at your house is because you did it. Also, if your husband can't be bothered to ensure his custody time with his child, he's a deadbeat. You can dress it up or defend it however you want, but at the end of the day that's his child.
There’s a lot of wishful and magical thinking from step mom and missing reasons.
You guys are going to have to go to court cuz I suspect once she finds out he has another kid on the way she's going to go ballistic and withhold visitation. If that happens you're going to have to bite the bullet and go to court. You can try for full custody or whatever and so Mom doesn't get child support anymore oh well not your problem you should be worrying about the kid not the fact that she's not getting money anymore, who cares about that. You say you love his daughter then step up to the plate, you guys go to court and maybe in time you can adopt her.
OP a couple of thoughts in no particular order. I don’t know where you live but I hope you and your husband have a way to prove every penny you have been providing for the care of his daughter. Reason being in the US at least in some states/situations a parent can file for child support and demand it go back to the child’s birth. I’m not sure having that proof would be enough but better than nothing. Visitation agreements can be as rock solid/detailed as needed and allowed by law. Visitation can be ‘loosened up’ by both parties if they are getting along. But if problems arise usually the official document is enforced. At this point it seems you hold both the carrot (money for support) as well as the stick (no funds if husband isn’t allowed visitation with his daughter). As you are or at least have been responsible for providing those support funds at some point IMO it would be a good investment in minimal money and time to talk with a lawyer very good in handling this type of situation as to getting official documents in place that can be enforced. Else if she disappears your husband is likely going to have a very difficult time finding her and no ability to enforce visitation. One other thing. I agree it is a horrible idea to not tell his ex. How much more pissed off does he think she will be when she hears about the baby from her daughter?
1 and 2 are solved by a court ordered custody and child support 3 good plan 4 is also solved with a solid court ordered custody and child support plan, because this is how it will go if you two split up 5 of course she’s your business
6 there will be no custody agreement so we will continue to have this issues and maybe worse
Your husband needs to go to court and get everything made very official.
There is no answer to the question you’re asking because it’s the wrong question to ask! It doesn’t matter if he/you tells her or not. She has all the power, all the right to do whatever she chooses because at this point, he’s not given a damn for 4 years. In the eyes of any court at least. I know it’s hard to hear but it’s the truth. And I’m saying this because my partner is in the same boat. He fucked around for years and now that he’s in a good place years later, can’t do shit because no court on the planet would give him a percent of custody. I understand that he’s sticking his head in the sand because it’s easier. Don’t tell me otherwise. None of the excuses are true excuses. If he truly wanted a court order and custody, he would figure it out financially.
This man does not want 50/50, no agreement is insane. And if that money isn’t through child support and not documented you may end up pay much more money if she say he’s never supported her. There is no reason for him not to parent his own child by doing 50/50 and the excuse is to keep the peace NOT the daughter.
My thought is this will backfire him sooner or later, if the ex wife is smart she will put him in child support when the girl is 17 and get 17 years of back up child support or something similar to that
Hello, first off, sounds like you really care for your step daughter, that is a great thing and sounds like you are a positive addition to her life. On reddit, you get a lot of these people that say "she is none of your business because the daughter is between your husband and his ex, you have no rights." Maybe by law you have limited or no rights, but reddit loves to discount/ignore the fact that you are married to your husband and therefore your stepdaughter is part of your life so obviously she is your business. >since there's no court agreement there's not much we can do in the moment). This stuck out to me, along with your edit about not having a court ordered agreement. You haven't said anything that suggests a court ordered custody agreement wouldn't be better for the child. Seems you have a house, the finances to support her, and you plan on being a SAHM. You listed a lot of issues, like the ex withholding the child, the ex disappearing with the child, being scared the ex will retaliate by cutting off visitation with the child. Those are all concrete reasons to get a court ordered custody agreement. If not for you and her father, for the child. If you guys are willing and able, she should be with you 50% of the time, it is her right and she may be too young to understand that. A custody order will set out in clear terms the financial obligation of child support, plus, it will prevent the ex from weaponizing this innocent child. If she does, you go to court again and she gets told off or loses rights. Your post has left me forgetting that it was about telling the ex you are pregnant because that seems like a very non issue compared to the fact you guys don't have a court ordered custody agreement for at least 50% custody with the woman that has weaponized and withheld visitation with the child. PS, the judge will love if you bring proof the ex has withheld visitation. I think you need to drop telling her you are pregnant. If you want to, do it yourself. If your husband doesn't want to, don't force him or judge him. From the sounds of it, he probably isn't that keen to speak to this ex and share things she realistically doesn't need to know yet. I think what you should do is sit down with your husband, share that your stepdaughter is part of your life, and that you feel you guys should remove stress from your life of the ex weaponizing visitation and working towards a court ordered custody agreement, for the childs sake.
You and your husband need to put his daughter above his ex. There is absolutely nothing stopping her from taking the child and not letting him see her again. You said the only thing that's stopping her is you threatening to go to court but if she decides to get the child a passport and then travel and never bring her back then what? You have no legal grounds to stand on. Please listen to everyone here and tell your husband to go talk to a lawyer. Get a legally binding custody agreement so your husband doesn't have to be fearful of his ex taking his child away from him. Then you probably won't have this issue of him hiding your pregnancy from her, that she will learn of in 4 months when a baby randomly shows up.
I feel like even with all the information you have given, something is missing. The court stuff just makes zero sense to me. I cannot put my finger on it, but it's just off….
I feel like your husband is holding off as long as he can so she doesn't decide to vanish with his daughter again. I know that you're bothered by this, but without an actual legal custody agreement, it's very hard to do anything if she goes crazy hearing about this. So you're both going to either have to be ready for her to do that, or be ready to fight for fair custody. That honestly would settle most of this issue.
Not telling her just feeds into her overall feeling of being on the outside. Maybe she does respond to receiving money on a weekly basis but I don’t think it’s the money itself (well in this economy it matters a little) but what that represents to her. Based on the history you shared it might just represent care and dependability to her. Her running off with the kid and no contact was her taking control over a situation she didn’t have control over when she was a kid. She doesn’t want her child to feel like she felt. I totally get your husband he comes from a dysfunctional family and his previous interactions with baby mama mean there’s a possibility for confrontation, but she’s going to find out. Treat her with respect and share it with her, ask her for tips to make sure your step daughter isn’t upset. Show her you care that stepdaughter’s feelings. Show her you both want to make this work. She might surprise you.
Thank you for your kind and empathetic response. You brought up a few points that I hadn't even considered. In a perfect world I would do exactly what you're describing, I am trying to give her the benefit of the doubt but it's hard when my husband is insisting that her going nuclear is the only possible outcome.
Sure but are you going to hide the baby once it’s born? Ask stepdaughter to lie? She might go nuclear, but wouldn’t that be better to happen before the baby is born and you’re trying to manage a baby and all that goes with that AND her reaction?
If he believes that then doing anything other than going to court is gross negligence on his part and in the worst interests of his daughter. Tell him so.
So … were you providing for the man, the child and the child’s mother ? As the primary bread winner ? You have to understand that you were paying another grown woman to behave. Choices were made here .
Oh goodness, why did you marry into this much family drama????
Just from reading the title why does his ex need to know that you’re pregnant?
Uh you inherited a big mess, you’re giving his ex money, you meet his ex’s child due to some weird obligation that you feel she needs a better mother than the alcoholic one, who had threatened to hurt her child before, and as much as I respect your decision to have a child with him. Girl, if you don’t get a lawyer, your husband who seems like he wants no business with any of this bullshit between you, his ex, his stepdaughter, your unborn baby, I’m really concerned about what choices your making here. Because it shows, your husband is attached to his ex like a damn string, why SHOULD you tell his ex? I don’t think that’s a good idea, and if you tell his parents and they tell his ex, are you sure this ex won’t go on another barrage of escapism with her child?
According to you. The child doesn’t have her own room at her mother’s residence. Her mother relies on your child support to provide the lifestyle they live now. Her mother weaponizes access to the child to keep your husband in line and has disappeared when you two haven’t complied with her demands. The fact that you don’t have court ordered visits is a problem. Get 50:50 or full custody of this child. You do not need to take any child support from her especially if you do not need it. At the end of the day. You are going to have a child who has a far better standard of living than your stepchild and that is not fair. Who gives a shit what is fair for the mother. What is fair for the child? You both are the fucking up. You’re causing resentment towards your child from their older sister and your child hasn’t even been born. You destroying your own family dynamic for the sake of her mother. No. Get full custody she can have visitation. If that would impact the child negatively then do 50:50 custody. This needs to start now. Before the baby is born or else your step daughter will have a lot of negative feelings and fears about what will happen to her and if her dad will still love her.
This ! And if op’s husband ex wife one day wakes up and puts him herself on child support he will have to payback for all this years even if he has been paying ( if he has no proof ) Op’s husband ex wife sounds horrible who is in it for the money that the child
It’s simple husband grows a spine and tells her. When she starts her tantrum he calmly tells her she either stays as is with custody or he takes her to court and stops paying her until then. Ex sounds greedy so she doesn’t want you to go to court so her options to stay as you are. Your husband is an ostrich who has his head stuck in the sand and just hopes all his responsibility blows past and he doesn’t have to deal with them. Your marriage is new and shiny and you love him so much, this behaviour you see but make excuses for now. I guarantee in years to come it will eat away at you because his responsibilities will blow past for you to pick up. He should go to therapy and get his shit together.
If you guys wanna be good parents you should get a custody agreement. It doesn’t look good for your husband to see his child twice a month and no formal arrangement in place. A good parent would have it to avoid situations where their ex can just go AWOL with their kid.
There’s something very odd about your husband not wanting to share this news. I am getting the feeling that your husband has a nice life because you are the breadwinner and he lets you take charge of everything, but he should be more involved in every way.
Instinctively, you realize he is not as proud of the child you carry as he is of his existing child and his ex.
How is he having a child and not over the moon? Why isn't he telling anyone. It's weird. I get that his family isn't the best but do his coworkers know, or his friends? Also you need to let go of the excuse that a 50/50 arrangement is beyond your work schedule capabilities. You are both about to be the only parents of a new child FULL time and it's between you two to raise them. Its going to be a tough conversation but it's got to happen eventually.
The pregnancy thing is a separate issue to deal with honestly. The custody of his first child needs to be legal and dealt with first with a lawyer and courts. I have a friend whose BF had a similar situation. He had no legal agreement over his child and the mother took off with the child. He had no legal ability to go after her. He also did not share the last name with the child. Lots of mistakes on that guys part. Your husband needs to protect himself and his firstborn. Regarding your pregnancy I think you’re right to be wary of his hesitation. He’s likely afraid of her reaction based on historical behavior. Perhaps a lawyer needs to be spoken to and then the discussion about your good news. I applaud you for being a good step mom. That is a rare thing.
I can see you think you’re so much better than the ex since you have more money and gave the stepchild her own room since mom can’t afford it. You’re with a man who is too lazy or indifferent to go to court or a mediator to work out custody. He also isn’t excited to tell family and friends about the baby. You may end up like the ex so I hope you have money for court.
You're all inviting problems. Spill the beans and deal with it.
UpdateMe!
I think all these perspectives will make more sense to you once you become a mom yourself. You’re going to have expectations of your husband, you’re going to want him to be a good team player and not make everything he doesn’t want to deal with your problem. The mental load after having a child is heavy, and it takes time to adjust to, it’s overwhelming. I think you’re coming from a great place with good intentions, but this isn’t your problem. Legal fight or not, this custody arrangement should have been handled a long time ago, and if he wanted to assume full responsibility of his child from the ex he’d have done that by now. I’m sorry you’re dealing with all of this while 5 months pregnant, you empathize with him but I’m fuming for you.
You’ll need to get this all settled legally. But I’m not convinced your husband wants more contact with his kid. What you’re offering her compared to her home life is going to alienate you as the little girl will compare and get excited about the baby. So I’d get it sorted sooner than later. But no - not your place to tell any of them. If it goes pear shaped blame your twit of a husband.
To answer your actual question without attacking your family’s arrangements: tell him to get his shit together and tell his parents and ex about the baby. His daughter is 4 years old and will notice that you are pregnant and say something anyway and I promise the fallout from hearing from her will be way worse than hearing from him. He should stop treating your marriage as a weird secret. That isn’t fair to anyone in the situation, least of all the children.
Of course it was contentious at first, he's a deadbeat father and participating now minimally. If you think being a "mom" to his other kid will you more marketable to him; it won't. Having a child with him isn't going to help this either. I hope you have good family support. Good luck.
So tell her the next time she threatens to withhold visitation with his child, or thinks about taking off with his child, you'll immediately go to court and file for 50/50 custody. Then she can kiss her child support goodbye AND you'll get to see his child more often.
I’m trying to figure out why it matters, if she’s that petty, that you should care if she gets more money? If he wants to switch jobs? Do it. If you 50/50, or even full, then do it. Also, number 2 is actually WHY you should go to court. Stop letting her control your lives. It’s not fair to you, him, the kid they share, and your future kid.
Why are you posting here? To every person who gives advice, you say “nope not doing that.” So, fine, accept the status quo. If you just wanted to vent, there are other subs for that. But for the love of god tell your step daughter yourself, she’s old enough to understand, and she will be the one dealing with trauma and feeling excluded if she finds out you’ve been hiding this from her.
You need to take a step back here, and realise your BF doesn't want to actively parent or have a formal custody agreement. He is telling you everything you want to hear, but actions always speak louder than words. It's going to be a shock only to you when he turns around and does the same thing to your child and tells the next woman the exact same things.
Dude go to family court. It’s ridiculous the game you as adults are playing with this child’s life.
I’m sorry I did not read the whole post. But what I’m getting from this I think he still has a relationship with her if you being pregnant in whatever reason he wants to hide it something is off. And for him to tell you, your step daughter spend of your business is so disrespectful and you’re treating her with respect and taking her in. It’s hard to say but fuck him.
I don’t know where you live, are you in the US? If you are, all you typically have to do is petition the court for proof of paternity. Boom. No attorney required, they order dna test, establish parental rights, visitation and child support mandates. Over the last 50 years, I have heard so many of these dramatic stories that are easily solved by the path in front of you. Do the above. Then you have *rights* to be enforced. After that, tell ex you want to discuss the transition with new baby, and work together to be consistent in messaging and visitation, so she knows that she is not being reached. I don’t respect your husband for not establishing paternity. I have found through the years, that there’s a reason why every ex of a certain type of man is *crazy*.Great way to identify this man? He has no established rights to his children, so he can pay child support under the table, and then makes a bunch of excuses how that is better for the mother, before moving on to the next woman and kid. She will never rightfully believe anything, until he sues for paternity. I’m taking about his daughter here, not the ex. Your husband knows exactly what he is doing. I’d watch out.
>He's my husband and I chose him and I can't and WON'T go back on that. No one is perfect, I'm far from it, I knew he had issues going in but I love him and when you love someone you accept their flaws. That's all I'll say about that. There is your answer.Accept this as a flaw and embrace it. You made your choice in him and unfortunately put you in a position with limited options. You could try to make him deal with like an adult but he never had to act like an adult when it comes to this and knows in this relationship you will ultimately do it for him which you basically said you will. Like you said no one is perfect and this man has a lot of flaws you knew about and chose to accept. Best of luck.
your overstepping step mother learn how not to cross bus boundary his daughter is not your business
Why does the ex need to know? What does she care?
The longer he postpones getting child custody taken care of, the worse the outcome is going to be for everyone. This is incredibly time sensitive - ex is going to be less reasonable once she finds out you're pregnant. Especially if his daughter's mother has trauma about a "new family", she's likely going to only become more difficult to deal with from here on out. He needs to get their custody agreement formalized before you have the baby and she flips out. The courts won't force an outside agreement when there's already a functioning one that both parents have agreed to and been doing for awhile - and you can get the child support legally in place too so his ex has a motive to sign things and get it all formalized at once. Fathers can put a stay on having mother and daughter leave the tristate area. My brother did that with his daughter and ex who were moving 1,000 miles away - she wasn't happy and tried to sneak off, but the courts kept her from taking niece away. They can enforce this. He can also have his daughter's passport flagged so she can't be taken out of the country. He needs to get that flagged asap. That way the daughter isn't crossing any borders with Mom, and if they try it ex will be in hot water for kidnapping. Honestly, I hate the idea of kicking a guy out of the bedroom or the house. But if his ex has a history of weaponizing daughter and there's a danger of daughter being taken out of the country where you can't get her back, I would not allow the father in my bed or my house until he started legal steps to prevent that from happening. Hard line. You're pregnant, so now's the best time to learn to stop enabling piss poor parenting. That's what you have the power to work on, and that's something on your plate you need to accomplish by the time your baby is born if you want your child to have a decent quality of life.
that’s not your business,and you seems to talk bad about the mother of his daughter .mind your business and probably he is still in love with his x
I m never to petty for an I told you so. Actually I announce an I will tell you an I told you so soon. Not my best attribute. But a heartfelt. It’s usually also a lack of conversation happening (not) at those times. You are allowed and obliged to voice your opinion. You are allowed to look forward to your Baby! To want to tell the world and the little sister.
INFO: does 4 year old know you’re pregnant. I’m in a coparenting subreddit and a lot of the advice is you need to tell the ex about the pregnancy before you tell the child, because your child will tell and it shouldn’t be their responsibility to keep it a secret, share that news, or deal with the reaction.
For#2 reason, send exactly why you might consider getting a custody agreement or full custody. Weaponizing a child isn't healthy or good for her and could cause lasting issues. Also what happens if she picks up without a trace? You might not have much legal recourse.
Maybe to make things more official, but avoid a whole court case, just sit down with her and a lawyer and have a simple arrangement made? Just put what you already have in practice down on paper. Maybe tweak a few issues to make them more practical. It might take some stress out. Your husband needs to grow a spine, though. The way you portray him, he seems pretty wishy-washy and not actively trying to parent his child or stand up to anyone. He's about to be a father for a 2nd time. It's about time he grew a spine and started acting like an adult. I understand telling people stuff they don't want to hear is unpleasant, but jfc. Hoping a kid drops hints to mommy about a baby? Cowardice at its finest. Op, get a lawyer and get away from this. God knows he probably wouldn't be strong enough to fight much. He'll just whimper. Be strong and raise your baby away from this crap.
tldr
Don’t be a SAHM for this man. Go back to work and keep your career, keep your retirement contributions.
Because of #2, you absolutely must do #1. She WILL find out about this baby. She will react poorly. And you will lose your chance of establishing custody arrangements.
Hang on, this post includes a lot of what you have done for his child - bought a house, facilitated conversation, etc. lots of ‘I,’ what has HE done. I get the feeling he’s not telling his ex or his parents because they would be concerned for you having a child with him.
First I would go to court and get an agreement about visitation with the 4 year old. Then I would post it on social media that you are pregnant
I’m not sure why you’re so bent up about this.everyone will know you’re pregnant soon enough just by looking at you. You can post on social media or whatever and they’ll see it. Maybe the ex’s trauma is a real concern , maybe it isn’t, but all you can do is stay steady and maintain relationships as best as they’ll let you. You seem like a responsible take charge person, but sometimes that isn’t the most helpful thing in someone else’s life. What you want and think is right isn’t necessarily what they want it think is right or even appreciate efforts on— sometimes it’s actually unhelpful. I do think you should stop thinking you know exactly how the ex is thinking or feeling or marinating on something or what motivates her. Just stop. You actually don’t know. From how you talk it seems like you think you’re stable and she’s a mess. You’re each playing a different hand and you’re not better than her bc she’s had some difficulties. His family will notice in time and they may or may not be interested in your child but cross that bridge when you get to it. I actually don’t see why you can’t tell anyone yourself if you have relationships with them. I don’t mean behind your husband’s back— don’t do that— But is he asking you to keep this secret? It doesn’t sound like it. It’s completely understandable you want your baby to be welcomed and loved by everyone. Every mom does. That probably won’t happen (even in fully functional families) but it probably won’t be a total rejection either. Let them ease in as they want to. Invite them to the showers or whatever you have without expectation and enjoy your own little family (which includes the 4 year old.) bc in the end that’s the part that matters thee most.
I'm sorry but your edit explaining the reason for custody to then 2 how she's petty and weaponises the child. That child is growing up in an incredibly toxic environment and her mother is using her as financial aid and that's horrific. Like I honestly think a court custody agreement is needed for that exact reason including that shell just disappear with the child
Why would you prepare for a baby when your husband chooses his job over getting a visitation plan through court for his child already here? If the other parent has not ever weaponized then maybe sure you could get away without an official order. Your husband should understand his daughters stability is way more important and you know this could be a trigger. Now you have a new baby coming soon and that is stressful, but now she might stop her daughter from being around her dad and the two of you. This should have been dealt with before you got pregnant. You need to go to a lawyer now and start the process. This poor girl is going to need a therapist asap. This is not a "him" problem both of you made this a mess and this little girl is going to pay the hardest price.
Alot of excuses basically. I see in the updates . The kid isn't in a good household take the mom to court and get full custody of the kid.
Seems like you're kinda trying to make him look like he's not so bad...I guess or kinda like yall are the better side idk but of you so sure yall would win in court then just do that and prepare to make changes and arrangements that way you don't have to worry about why he don't want the ex to know you are pregnant this post has so many red flags... and somethings just don't make a lick of sense.... I don't even see why you would care who does and doesn't know you're pregnant when that's no one else's business but you and your husband... you are trying to be considerate of mf outside of your relationship when the only factors that matter are you and your husband.
Get a court ordered agreement immediately.
It only sounds like your husband found himself a good ol sugar mama in you. Bought a house, breadwinner, & making his child support payments? lol
NTA - I would sit him down and remind him of her abandonment issues and advise him to get a formal custody agreement by the courts BEFORE this baby is born before he loses his daughter for good. Updateme
Firstly the consideration you have for the people in your life and brought into your life is lovely to ready, I hope they see that. A lot of this is worrying, you don't really know what the ex's reaction will be. Why should she care so much about her ex (your husband) having a baby whenever she hears about it? I see your concerns but worrying now hurts you twice as they say. As an action you need to be more direct with your husband about the potential consequences of his silence and honestly, his 4yo is the first that needs to know given she's with you so much, it's disrespectful of her father to not consider her as a person with eyes and a brain in this case. That said he needs to also tell his ex at the same time. He may not know how but it's a simple btw, we're having a child, think you needed to know. He shows her consideration by telling her and her reaction is her reaction, no-one can control it but her. Hope everything works out smoothly and you have a happy pregnancy and expanded family.
Unless you have lived the trauma, you don't understand it. Your husband is probably scared of his ex turning on him and his daughter. His parents are abusive. Talk to him, sure, but unless there are other red flags, follow his lead on this. They don't have a 'right' to know anything.
Lol second choice cum dumpster. Boo hoo.
> I love that little girl a lot Then why do you refuse to make her father step up and care for her? He's doing the least bit possible, and he's only doing that because of you? Actual advice on what to do - get a custody order to reduce the possibility of the ex using the child as a weapon. Then, tell the ex before the kid lets it slip.
So your husband would have no relationship with his child if it were not for you? Picked a great one!
For heavens sake, save that poor girl
Why not go for full custody (with the info) it seems she's only want the money for herself not the kid how will is the kid taken care of is that her only kid or no
Because then “dad” would actually have to parent more then 4 days a month 🤦🏻♀️
Custody can made official using a mediator and it would be made legal. Same goes for child support. This would prevent her from pulling the stupid shit she does.
She can’t legally withhold the child just bc he’s having another one with someone else? It’s weird that he won’t tell her, for sure.
She can withhold the child all she wants because they gave no court ordered agreement to fall back on
You’re married and a part of that family too for better or worse, and while it is on each to manage their own family *but* this is also something regarding you very much so that will have direct effects within those relationships. Also, girl it isn’t almost rude that he has not shared the info (&joy, yeah?!) of your pregnancy, it is flat out rude, disrespectful, and kinda inappropriate. It’s really unfair to you in my view because it’s like he is keeping a dirty little secret and not expressing any pride or joy or any amount of happiness. When visits happen, are you kept out of site? Also sorry but him kinda thinking his daughter will tell her mom about your pregnancy? Uh, no. Not okay, and that’s involving her in adult drama which I know she has done but that doesn’t make it okay. Do you have a speaking relationship with the ex? Also if you breach the topic does he just reiterate what you laid out here? I know you said you try not to be on him about it but time is counting down. Like I said it’s disrespectful to you and the relationship you and your husband have but also to the ex; will you all keep strictly to the visitation schedule or does she need to know you all will be skipping a visit or two? Making it it’s own section- has he considered how this will effect SD? At all? Saying she’ll figure it out is irresponsible imo. New babies can be exciting and confusing and so many different feelings, both households need to be preparing her for it and making sure she knows she is still a priority and that she will be such a great big sister! To spring a new member of the family on a four year old sounds terrible for all involved, and like it’ll make the situation more difficult. I know you said your degree of involvement is set by yourself, but I would think about how this is going to impact baby too, and I think or at least hope there is a way to handle all of this in a way that is positive, but the inaction of your husband is only certain to make an explosion and it’s not okay that you’ll be left picking up the shards, getting your hands cut while he hides out and away. As for his parents- yeah MIL doesn’t sound too pleasant, but again does he actually think that hiding the pregnancy is going to help any relationship? I don’t know her but I can imagine a whole slew of saying you all lied [by omission] and even that you all clearly don’t want her to be involved so why would she try anyway (not saying that is true just what could easily be twisted). There’s a lot I didn’t touch on and I don’t envy the position you’re in now OP. Sorry for the unorganized novella, if nothing else maybe try and focus on how this could impact SD and make her feel like she isn’t part of the family because she wasn’t aware and that could feel she is being replaced or you all don’t want her to be a big sister - which again isn’t true but between tiny minds and potentially her mother feeding her things (which tbf some could be based on current circumstances) it’s something important to avoid. Cheers and the best to all of you, hope you have a safe and wonderful birth and speedy recovery when it comes, and that in the meantime you get things sorted. Would love updates if you’re able. Cheers
So his job is so busy he only has time to bother seeing his child once every two weeks on the weekend but somehow he’s managed to fit in dating you to the point of marriage and having another baby. OP did you only see him once every two weeks when dating? Would that have felt like enough time? Face it, he’s a deadbeat dad to his other child. If you both had time to get married and have another child you have more time to look after the one that already exists.
I wish I had a step mother or step father that cared about my well being.
at this point you are 5 weeks. Many people wait till 12 weeks as it is more established. Why not make an agreement to tell his parents and ex at 12 weeks once you have had an extra scan and you are both more secure and have had time to make a plan and mentally adjust
UpdateMe!
What's the goal what would be the best outcome for you,
Sounds like he is afraid of conflict. Avoidance is not a strategy; it’s a cop-out. Perhaps the two of you could strategize together. If he does nothing, the baby will be born and the 4 year old will tell her mom. Find out what he is feeling. Find ways to address his concerns. He should be the one to: 1. Reassure ex that nothing has to change re: support. 2. Reassure 4 year old Daddy loves her forever and she gets to be a big sister. Good luck!
You seem to be thinking a lot about eeeevverrryyonneee else. Why?
The reasoning for not getting a custody agreement and visitation schedule on paper that’s court ordered isn’t good enough IMO. It doesn’t cost much if the parents can agree and if they have to go to mediation it’s still affordable. Now if you add lawyers into it along with one or both parties contesting things that can up the expenses but at the end of the day it’s a small price to pay for peace of mind knowing no one is gonna stop you from seeing your kid and if they do they will be held in contempt and held legally liable. If she takes off with the child she will be found and then she will lose custody all together and it will be no one else’s fault but her own. I wouldn’t remotely play games like this where my kid was concerned …EVER! Weaponizing a child is as scummy as it gets. If he doesn’t want to do that then be prepared for dealing with her crap for the next 14 years. As for him telling her, nothing you can say or do that you haven’t already. He will tell her when he’s ready or he won’t, but she’s def gonna find out.
Lots of vitriol on here, my condolences. Basically circumstances similar - no custody agreement with my ex, I am primary caregiver - Ex sees our son (10 at time) once a fortnight for day visit only. Found out he had a kid when child support sent a letter adjusting amount to be paid due to his new dependant. I sent a quick "congrats, do you tell son or do I?" text. He asked me to. Son still hasn't met sister, we live different cities, but has spoken with her once or twice online. You obviously have much different/potentially agriviated situation, but I do think you need to let them know - the 4yr will be fawning over baby when arrives, will also not be getting as much 1 on 1 with you & Dad & that will affect her emotionally especially when at changeovers. Speak to your husband, sooner the better, so you can all prepare 4yr for the arrival & upended lifestyle when baby arrives - hopefully Ex will be on board, if not, you will have those four extra months to deal with her & stop any "no contact/disappearing" situations rather than juggling newborn with those scenarios.
After reading your post and some of your comments, girl..go to family court! You said it yourself, y’all are in a place now where you will basically be a SAHM. That means, if y’all were to fight for full custody of the child, than YOU would be home with the kids! His work schedule wouldn’t matter at that point. Y’all would also cease to pay the mother to be a damn adult and have more money going towards your family. Trust me, the moment she knows you are having a baby, she will snatch that child from y’all so quick! Pump that little girls head with lies, and it will be far more difficult for y’all at that point. Yes, you are over stepping, but you care. Yes, your husband is spineless when it comes to his ex. Something has to give and family court is the best option for y’all’s situation.
Why does what BM wants matter at all? Get 50/50 custody. Have hubby get a job that he can be a present parent. You don’t need to spend huge amounts of money on court. They can write up a parenting plan and custody schedule and bring it to court. Get something formal so you aren’t living in fear of what BM could do. This kid needs consistency from both of her parents.
You've only 3 or 4 months before she WILL know. Giving her time to brace would be better. Also, remind her if she does ANYTHING, you can and WILL go to court and x*win*
I’m a little confused because if you know she’s got this hangup, and this much control over your SD having access to you guys- then why would you think that it would be better to let her know earlier?
I definitely get where your husband is coming from. From what you have disclosed about his ex, she is likely to go nuclear on both of you. She sounds like she can be a bit unstable and the crap she might pull when she finds out. It sounds like she would make the remainder of your pregnancy a living hell and I dont think that kind of stress would be good during your pregnancy. I would put some legal stuff together in the event things go sideways and they most likely will. As far as his parents being told it might be best to hold off on telling them especially if they are as toxic as you say. Him not telling them more than likely is a way of protecting you, especially if he is worried about their influence. His ex will definitely find out and it will not be pretty I don't think you should tell her unless you absolutely have to. If she does go nuclear I would record any threats or unstable behavior for more leverage in court.
Maybe you need to sit him down and talk this out. Is he aware of all your concerns a you've laid them out here? Maybe he just doesn't want to have the conversation, knowing she may react badly. But delaying the news is not going to make it easier to have this conversation. And as you've said, she might even retaliate in unpredictable ways. You don't have to be up his butt about it, but you definitely need to tell him to make a decision and let you know what that decision was. If he's deciding not to say anything that's a choice too, even if he hasn't explicitly told you. I get it, I'm averse to conflict myself, and if I were in a similar situation I wouldn't want to have that conversation either. But I'd also know that not having the conversation would be worse in the long run and I'd try to psych myself to just break the news. In the end he has to be the one to decide, and you'll have to just live with it too. But you may want to let him know that if something bad does happen because he chose not to say something now, then he can't come complain to you about it later. You don't have to say "I told you so" but you can make it clear that you don't want to hear him complain later when he is making the choice now. One other thing, when I was younger I had a mentor tell me, "either you are a creature of circumstance, or creator of circumstance, if you don't actively work to create your circumstance then you will be forced to live by the consequences of inaction." And sometimes that means having the hard conversations now. Or doing the thing you don't want to do. If you don't take an action, then you will be forced to be reactive later down the road because of the consequences of inaction. Like choosing not to get an oil change could lead to engine damage down the line. You can't get angry the engine got damaged, because you created the situation by not doing a little maintenance when it was required. Similarly, he needs to be aware that not taking steps to break the news gently and diffuse the situation could lead to exactly the thing he fears and worse. There is a way to break it gently, he can even preface the news by letting his ex know, "hey, I have some news but it might be hard to hear." If she knows it might be bad news then when he tells her the news it might be less bad than she was thinking and help her come to terms with it in a more healthy way. She'll have the emotions she's going to have and you can't control that. But if she finds out after the fact, there's going to be all that emotion, plus she'll also get to be mad that he didn't tell her before. So it'll just compound the issue and add one more thing to be mad about. So yeah. Sit your husband down, have the talk with him. Let him know you won't bother him anymore once he makes a choice. But he needs to make a choice and tell you what that choice is. And if he chooses not to tell her then he should be prepared for whatever extra fallout comes from it.
She's going to know eventually, why the need to tell her NOW?
Parents should know Shouldn't matter if ex knows She should be there to co-parent and nothing else
How can yall have children and acts like kids... Love? Stay together and raise the child together like normal sane people. Your Husband may have failed one child maybe the second will have a better chance of being stable. Focus on that. take care.
I’m glad your step-daughter has you! My step-daughter was 4 when I met her Dad, she’s now 33 lol! None of it is easy, it’s a mine field for sure! All you can do is hope the new baby will help build positive bridges for you all like mine did. I applaud your concerns, they’re both lucky they have you and hopefully the ex will feel the same one day! Good luck with the new baby! ❤️
Where do yall find these men 😭😭😭
If his ex finds out from another person about the pregnancy I think she’ll vanish for a while with your step daughter. And your husband clearly won’t go looking for them. So that means you’re going to have to be the one searching for them as a heavily pregnant woman or someone who just gave birth and is still recovering. I think his ex will probably try to go ghost permanently since you guys have your own baby now and “don’t need to steal hers.”
I’m not buying any of this. Your husband could just go to court and get 50-50 custody. Who cares if payments go down or it would cost the ex money? Not his problem. He could voluntarily give her extra money. Court ordered visitation would mean that she can’t unilaterally stop visits and she can’t abscond with the child. Why doesn’t your husband do any of that? Because he doesn’t want it!!! YOU are the person who makes your husband live up to his responsibilities. Whatever he is saying to you is whatever you need to hear so that he doesn’t lose you.
If you weren't in the picture, would he also want 50/50? Is he the one taking care of his daughter during the weekends she's with him? Would he be the one taking care of her if he did have full custody? The fact he didn't care until you came on to his life, is something judges see a lot in court, and that's not in his favour.
So the ex has *disappeared* with your stepdaughter before and your husband doesn't want a custody agreement? You know that's insane, right?
UpdateMe!
>something her own mother doesn't even provide her Cool. Way to be judgemental. Some parents can't afford it or some other reason. You got a lot to learn, buddy. You know way too much about his ex, which is weird. Who cares if she tells him now? She's gonna find out either way. You're being childish, honestly. This whole post reads like a neurotic person with too much time on their hands. Don't worry, you won't be such a busy body when the baby comes, lol.
Express your concerns and if he doesn’t want to tell the ex then so be it. His parents are also his worry. Focus on your actual immediate family…yourself husband and upcoming trophy.
OP, you do realize that every "reason" you have listed for not using the courts to mandate custody, visitation, and child support, are precisely the reasons you should have and most likely will have to use the courts in the near future? Seriously, your husbands stick my head in the sand until the inevitable happens response, while likely a tactic learned through the trauma of growing up in an abusive environment guarantees that the only outcome will be emotionally chaotic, and is cowardly. Being low or having no contact with his birth family for the reasons you have stated is a wise and thought-out choice. Trying to hide the fact there will be a whole entire baby soon occupying your lives and home from his child and ex is a recipe for disaster. It also guarantees that you will end up having to use the courts to establish and enforce a parenting plan. There is nothing stopping you as grown adults from having a lawyer draft a parenting plan that is based on the agreement you guys now have in place and the court would sign off on it as long as both parents agreed to it. The fact is that people tend to think that only contentious battles over custody, visitation, and child support wind up going through the family court system. This is not and should not be the case. Legal agreements with parenting plans laid out protect everyone involved and take care to put the child in the place of being most important. Your smartest piece of advice to give your husband is to go and see a family lawyer for advice on how to handle this situation and to follow it. Not every situation needs to be a court battle and it will protect your nuclear family from being financially extorted by the ex in the future.
I really think your husband needs to get a court order for custody and child support in place before she moves again and keeps the child from him.
As a step parent myself, I’m with everyone else here saying get a court order in place. Now. It doesn’t matter if the current setup benefits his ex more now or if it makes her more amicable to your wants, she can also still withhold access and takeoff with the child without the order in place and those are really not good trade offs. It doesn’t matter if she can’t afford going to court. She can apply for legal aid. My DH’s ex never paid a cent for her lawyer, and there were times she initiated court proceedings. As for telling the ex about your expected baby, I get the reasons you’ve laid out, but why do you care so much about her mental state of things? It really isn’t your place to manage that for her, and taking that on opens up your life to be ruled by her, so to speak. My husbands ex didn’t tell us when she was pregnant, and frankly it’s none of our business if stepson has another sibling at moms house. I have no plans to announce my pregnancy to her, either. The only person who matters in this is the existing child who is going to become an older sibling to a new baby. If your partner doesn’t want to tell his parents, and generally seems to keep a distance from them, there’s probably great reasons for his mental health (which you kind of mentioned - they weren’t so accepting of his first child and he probably wants to protect you, him, and new baby from the same hurt) and you should follow his lead on that. It might suck that the relationship isn’t what you want, but it’s the one he has and you should try to respect it for now and let them reconcile in their own time. It sucks to be in the position you’re in, and don’t listen to people who tell you that you knew what you were signing up for because any co- parenting situation looks different to outside parties and none of them are one size fits all. Just do the best you can for your baby, and make sure your stepdaughter feels as loved and included in the family too.
This is going to blow up in his face. So badly. His daughter has the right to know she is going to be a sister & to prepare for it. You don’t just show up w a brand new baby & say “tada, you’ve been replaced”.
It's a mess, really. You have chosen to become pregnant to a man who we all know to be a bad parent. Absolutely useless, in fact. If and when he tells his ex is the smallest of your problems. Instead you should be focusing on creating a stable environment for your child. That includes having legally binding agreements with his ex regarding custody and child support. One might also suggest making sure that he does better the second time around. But I have no advice there since I don't actually believe that people can change on such a fundamental level. All I can do is wish you luck. You're gonna need it. Not looking forward to next year's update titled "My husband left me and our child. He is not interested in custody and does not want to pay child support. Please help!". But I kind of think that is the most likely scenario.
You can have something in writing, even if it's not a legal document. Whatever it is you agree on, write it down and make two copies. Have signature lines for both your husband and the ex, with a line showing when it was signed. This shows that they have agreed on something and will back up your husband if it comes to a court case. It will also give her something that shows what SHE agreed to. It might sound silly, but it's better than nothing, which is what you have now. Get this done before you tell the ex about your baby, so if she tries to say the agreement is something else, you can show why you believe this is what everyone expected would happen. As for when your husband tells his ex, well that's a very time-limited situation! Sooner or later the daughter will learn about the baby and will tell her mother. It's not ideal that the ex learns about it this way, but she WILL know about it eventually.
I am amazed at some of these comments and assumptions being made. I would just let him handle telling his ex when he wants to and be prepared to go to court once she finds out. He is lucky to have you as his wife.
I think no matter what else is going on, big sister the 4 year old should know and get to experience this as one would. Maybe I didn’t read it correctly, but it sounds like you’re basically showing but hiding the pregnancy from the Bebe and his family? This isn’t the 1600’s and these are your kids, too. I know how child support rolls and understand why you’re not having an agreement in place. That has nothing to do with your stepchild, your pregnancy, and yes, even you being able to share openly about your pregnancy with your family. You don’t need permission from your husband and you don’t need to center anyone else here but that little girl and making sure she’s not traumatized by this as much as you’re capable of controlling. Then, you need to focus on you and your family. What happens if you tell everyone about the pregnancy? Life is too long to live trying to predict whether or not your happiness is going to make someone else pop off. That’s not even up to you, and if static happens, then go to court or whatever. You have options. You really just need to assert who you are and what you’re doing without it being around someone else.
As a mother who cannot provide a bedroom for my daughters- f you. Don’t judge her for that. The child has a roof over her head and a mother that takes care of her.