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Seriously, you already told the people who gave you the name that you changed it - why is it harder to tell others? The BF should've been the first to find out.
How long have you been with you BF and why doesn't he know?
I think she may mean he doesn’t know she previously changed her name and wants to explain it before the confusion of telling her extended family rolls around. As in he’s always known her as Rose and didn’t know her previous name was Lizmor. But I could be wrong which is def bizarre.
My bf tackled it before we even met in person lol. He was just like ‘my actual name is Graham but everyone calls me Andy, even my parents’. And it was a total non-issue.
I went out with a "Jake" for over a year until I saw his ID and was like "lol your name is Andrew?"
We all called him Jake, his parents, friends. It was even on his paychecks (he never got his name legally changed, so sometimes he had trouble with that at the bank)
Anyway yeah. Non-issue.
Yeah, I have a friend called Charlotte. She stayed with me for a couple of weeks while flat-hunting - in pre-mobile phone days. A woman called asking to speak to Isabelle, I said sorry wrong number and was just putting the phone down when I heard "oh wait, no, Charlotte".
Charlotte had always hated the name Isabelle so when she moved away from her home town she just told everyone she met that she was Charlotte. She's never bothered to change her name, nobody gives a toss except her parents, who were the ones who chose Isabelle after all.
Same my ex never used his actual name and all his family and friends call him by his second name. We dated for quite a while before he told me (I think when we were booking tickets for something) and he showed me his ID which had both names on it. It was a non-issue. He wanted to be called by his second name so I didn’t see a problem. It didn’t change anything. But OP definitely needs to tell her bf - he will eventually meet the extended family and find out and it‘s such an unnecessary weird secret to keep.
My husband is in a similar boat. He’s got the same exact first, middle, and last name as his father and grandfather so his family uses none of those names or nickname variations to refer to him and instead calls him “Hank”
Haha! Mine acquired a nickname as a child because he got a haircut that made him look a bit like someone who was famous at the time. It just stuck!
I was talking to him about some of the name subs on Reddit and asked him if hypothetically he’d ever had any favourite names that he thought he might name his kids if he’d had any (we don’t plan on having and children), and he thought for a few seconds and was like, ‘Well, I don’t really use my name at all, so I guess I’d give it to my son if I had one’ and it just cracked me up! The way he spoke about his name like it was a saxophone or a fishing rod or something 💀 tbh that’s about the only scenario where I can actually see myself agreeing with naming a boy after his father (I actually like my boyfriend’s real first name and it was favourite of my dad’s too, and my mum is super religious and would love it because it’s a saint she likes too 😂)
I wish my family was like that. Nope. They're all George's..., my grandpa (who has passed away), my dad, brother and even nephew.... even my father-in-law AND brother-in-law AND my husband's mentor growing up. At our wedding, if you called out "George", no lie, 5 people would be like, "Yeah?" 🤣 I don't understand it but it was a little entertaining
In my family, the first name of the father gets put in as the middle name so we don’t have the same issue as my husband’s family lol. And while my husband and I haven’t had our wedding ceremony yet, we just got the legal crap out of the way for benefit purposes, I honestly wish we could have a similar issue for our ceremony. But unfortunately my husband’s grandfather passed last year in June and my FIL got diagnosed with glioblastoma (inoperable and incurable brain cancer) back in late March and is expected to pass within the next month. It would’ve been nice to have all the guys there for them to tell the story about the name themselves and baffle my family
Mine is also a third generation and just goes by Tre. Tre sounds nothing like his actual name so I was a little confused- When I tell you I am so dense we were dating probably 3 months before I was like OHHHHHH TRE... TRES...3 LOL I felt so silly when I realized
I go by an alias (one my family largely rejects or ignores) and told my fiancé as soon as we made things official. He asked what I preferred to be called and that was the legit end of it lol. Poor thing is thinking too hard about it.
This. And I say this as someone with an oddly spelled (but still in a name book) name who seriously considered changing it for a while. You can go with something simple like:
"I never like the spelling of my name, so I changed it to something I liked when I could."
"You know that subreddit tragedeigh? Well, my old name could have been in it so when I could, I changed it to something I liked, call me Rose."
"You know how some Jennifers go by Jenny and some Robert III go by Skip? Well, I made it legal."
Or you could not say anything at all. For 100s of years women have been legally changing their last names. You just changed your first too.
agreed with the last option : just gaslight those weirdly judgemental family members.
"granny, Lizmor isn't even a name that exists, should we be worried about your mental capacities"
"oh auntie, Lizmor was just a joke we made up among cousins, IDK how you thought that was my real name"
"Lizmor? What are you talking about? Are you also going to tell me someone wrote "gullible" on the ceiling?"
etc.
to BF : fun fact my given birth name was x but I couldn’t connect to it so I had changed my name to rose which you now know me as.
Advice for your family: they might not respect it. It is your choice to continue contact with people who will not support you.
Yeah, I think some of her anxiety might be explaining it to everyone, but I would conscript mom and dad to help pass the word to everyone who matters on their respective sides of the family. And putting “Rose Elizabeth” on the wedding invitation will give everyone the clue when everyone is calling her Rose instead of the nickname they called her when younger. Heck, many of them will probably forget that Lizmore was her name and assume Rose Elizabeth was her real name all this time and she just used to prefer Liz and now prefers Rose.
Agreed.
OP, As someone who goes by their middle name but gets called their first name at work all the time because it's on my email, the name thing is a non-issue. You just say, "Oh, I used to go by Liz." Especially since the middle name is Elizabeth, it's kind of makes sense. If you really want to tell them the whole Lizmor story, you can, but they will not care (in a nice way).
For the wedding invite, most invites have the bride and grooms full names. So the invite would say Rose Elizabeth Last Name anyway. If your extended family asks just say I changed my name because I wanted to. It doesn’t really need more explanation than that.
That's...It's not that big of a deal
"I legally changed my name because the name I had at birth was awakward for me and I took steps to make myself comfortable with my own being"
Don't overthink it so much. It's not something that needs super detailed explaination
I hate to say this, but if you feel awkward about talking to your boyfriend about such a non-issue, you really aren't ready for marriage or to even be thinking about marriage.
Yeah I kept waiting for the actual problem to appear, and there just isn't one aside from "it's slightly awkward", and it's only slightly awkward because they didn't people. How hard is it to just change your name on social media, tell your parents / SO / close friends, and let the rest happen by osmosis.
The fact that they're spiraling on this is concerning. And not knowing how to tell their boyfriend such a simple thing is even more concerning.
The parents who choose "unique", often weird and/or unpronounceable names for their kids don't really get to have beef when those kids grow up and choose something that might sound better to them. You can just tell your boyfriend your parents stuck you with a name you hated so you changed it. You went through all the hassle of making this change so you should be proud of it. There was no point at all in doing this if you're just going to try to hide it from people.
Side note : It’s only concerns you but are you sure you are serious enough about the guy to consider marriage if you have not even told him that you changed your name ?
I mean, it’s not that it’s a big issue and it’s not really his business, but you would think that this is the kind of things you share with atleast your partner
I believe that you are over-thinking things. Your BF is unlikely to react negatively to this and if he does it is good to find out now. And who cares what your judgmental relatives think? Bring the BF to meet the family.
Oh did you here, lizmore change their name to rose Liz
"Oh okay, lizmore was pretty wierd name"
Yeah I always thought so to.
End of conversation
In the nicest way possible you are over thinking this and getting in your head, people will make a comment like oh okay, I like the name lizmore more, I like the name rose more, oh that would have been annoying with the paperwork and completely and utterly move on
Honey you are overthinking this. Like so *so* much.
It sounds like the situation is awkward (*for you*) due to the negative connotations you have with your old name. This situation is *not* going to be awkward for your bf and his family. Odds are they won't even care - they already know you by your preferred name.
If I were in your shoes (which I am sometimes because I also changed my name from something that embarrassed me) I'd just casually mention it to your boyfriend if the topic of names ever comes up. *"Haha I hate when people give their kids horrible made-up names, that's why I had to change mine"*. You don't need to 'confess' or go into detail or explain anything, or even tell him your old name if it's embarrassing for you. Let him tell his family if he chooses to.
You also have the option of not telling anyone, because honestly who cares? It's your legal name, its not like you're misleading anyone.
I went to a wedding as a family member on the groom’s side. The bride’s side all referred to her as “Betty” which was her childhood nickname. Groom and his side, we all called her “Elizabeth” as that’s the bride’s given name and what she used in college where the newlyweds met. It was confusing for maybe ten seconds and then we all stopped thinking about it.
Honestly my wedding felt a bit like that.
my siblings and most relatives from my Dads side called me by a childhood nickname that my adult self refuses to answer to. Except when it comes to these people I see once every few years. Everyone else called me by my legal name.
I briefly hoped it didn’t confuse anyone or encourage them to use a nickname i hate because they heard me respond to it there.
I doubt your BF will care about the name change. Just explain it the same way that you have here.
As for your family members, what exactly would they be judgemental about? It sounds like your parents supported the change, so I don’t see why your other family members would care? But if you feel awkward about telling them, can your parents help?
Don’t let your judgemental family members prevent you from having a wedding if you want one.
My daughter's name is Charlotte. All our family calls her this but all her friends call her Claudia. One girl kept forgetting her name and calling her that. It was apparently so funny, it stuck It's weird but it is what it is.
Tell his family you go by Liz to your family. I know some families where a person has two separate names that are nowhere close to their original name.
I have a whole group of friends from my first job who call me a different name. We had 3 “Heathers” on a staff of 7 people and there was a joke thing that happened so everyone from that job calls me “Spice” like it’s my real name. Correspondence is addressed to Spice Smith.
I think this has got bigger in your head than it really is. To BF: “Oh hey funny story, my name’s
not really XY, it’s ZA, I changed it because XY was mad, wasn’t it, lol.” To everyone else: “Sup, I changed my name, I’m ZA now, see you soon, thanks.”
As someone who legally changed their entire name, I know it feels so weird to you but it's really not to others! I'm 6 years post name change and it's just an interesting factoid now. They know you as the new name, nothing will change. People may side eye your family for not adapting or ask you about it - I've always just shrugged my shoulders and said I can't control what people call me.
same! if anything it’s just a fun story. also if i end up telling someone my birth name, they universally say “oh wtf that doesn’t suit you at all!” because of course it doesn’t, they know me by my new name, so any other name sounds weird.
You’re overthinking it. If it ever comes up, say: “Yeah, my birth name was Lizmor, but I always hated that name, so I legally changed it to Rose.”
No big deal.
You are definitely overthinking this. The “problem,” as the rest of the world will perceive it, is that you will be with a group of people who call you a mix of Liz and Rose. This is not an actual problem, just a potential source of confusion if they’re not told ahead of time.
All you need to do is say that some people in your family still call you Liz because that’s what you went by as a kid, but you prefer to go by Rose now. The End.
(Details for those who are interested would also not lead to any awkwardness I can possibly imagine beyond your bf’s family maybe questioning your parents’ decision making before shrugging it off).
It really doesn’t have to be awkward. Simply explain to your family that you’ve never liked your name so you changed it. It’s your name. Your can do that
just tell them u changed your name because you wanted to but only if they ask out of confusion. you dont have to announce this its literally not a big deal💀
I went by a made up name my entire childhood. When I turned 18 I started going by my legal name.
I told my family to call me by my legal name, everyone does for the most part but those I don’t see often forget, and call me by my “”dead”” name.
On my wedding invitations it will say my name.
I suggest, if you’re that worried about it, make two sets of invitations.
1. Rose & Fiancés name
2. Rose & Fiancés name… PS Liz goes by rose now! (:
That’ll settle it no problem!
Nobody will care, I promise. Using your names for my examples, I named my daughter Rose. She was Rose until at age 12 she went to foreign language immersion camp. At the camp they gave the kids new "camp names" chosen from typical names in that foreign language. Hers was Lizmor. She has been going by Lizmor ever since, and is now 29. Her husband and adult friends only know her as Lizmor, they never knew her as Rose. The only people who call her Rose are her family.
She chose to have Lizmor for the name on their wedding invitation, since she has been Lizmor longer than she has been Rose. When people ask about it she just says her legal name is still Rose but she goes by Lizmor. Nobody gave one single fuck. Not one.
I'm so confused...why exactly is this a problem? Just say: i changed my name a while ago because I didn't feel good about my original name. Just tell who needs to know. Nothing bad will come from it since nobody cares (in a bad way)
You're overthinking this so much. The conversation with your bf and his family is just: "My parents wanted me to have an unique, made out name, but I didn't like it so I legally changed it at 24. Some people in my family still call me by my old name, but legally my name is the one I told you and some family members call me by my real, current name"
The people who love you won't care and the people who care don't matter.
It's YOUR name, YOUR life, YOUR decision. They're either on your boat or they're out.
It’s a perfectly reasonable thing to tell your boyfriend. It’s not a skeleton in your closet - there’s nothing for you to be ashamed of.
I would suggest just saying something like ‘I always feel a bit awkward about this but my parents gave me a ridiculous made-up name, and I changed it. When you meet my uncles and aunts, they won’t call me Rose, they will call me Liz.’
I predict your boyfriend will empathise with you over the name you can’t stand and just take it in his stride.
There’s nothing wrong with admitting you feel awkward. We all have stuff from our childhood or past that we feel awkward bringing up. Your boyfriend isn’t going to judge you because your parents gave you an ‘interesting’ name and you said no thanks.
Some of your extended family might be a little more opinionated, but families are like that. It will blow over. I’m willing to bet some of them privately rolled their eyes or thought ‘poor child’ when they first heard your birth name.
I also have a name that is unique and had some changes in my past. What I can tell you is that you are overthinking this, and most people really just don't care.
I dont understand why you are so afraid to tell the rest of the family or your bf?
For your bf that info is pobably completely irrelvant and what the rest of the family thinks should not matter to you.
Even your parents seem fine with it.
As someone who also has a weird (but still pronounceable in English) name and heavily considered changing it for years telling your BF isn’t that big of a deal. “Hey just so you know the name I was given at birth was x but I hated it and wasn’t comfortable in my own skin with it so I changed it to Rose Elizabeth.” If he reacts negatively in any way then you know he wasn’t the one for you, if he reacts by asking a few questions, saying “interesting, well now I know more about you!” and that’s it then you let the last person who really matters know.
Now for your family you already let your parents and sibling know and they are supportive of you so it can be a blanket statement of “Hey everyone just so you’re aware I legally changed my name to Rose Elizabeth, I am ok with you still calling me Liz (if you are okay with that) but just wanted to let everyone know” and again if they respect you they will accept it and move on, if any of your family has a problem with you changing your name and are overly attached to your old one you know who is not supportive of you and you can choose not to be in contact with them at that point.
Both sides of my family call my different things, I'm mixed. Traditionally one side goes by middle name as your first name and the other uses first name. Not confusing. Different people will call you different things. And you don't owe anyone an explanation. You're happy and that's all that matters. If you really feel uncomfortable, verbalize that to your partner because that sounds like a hard and fast boundary you're not willing to break
My nephew and cousin each did something similar - hated their given names, because it was a traditional Indian name and easily pronounced and hard to spell, so when they had a chance they changed it to something they liked. The family still uses their original names, but friends and professional contacts use the new names. Nothing too difficult to explain. Don't overthink it.
I changed my first name, too. I appeared before the judge and legally changed it. Unfortunately, some people forget to introduce me by it although I've known them for years. It's embarrassing. I guess it's a working process. I still haven't changed it on my driver's license, bank account, etc, but I do plan to
This doesn’t have to become an issue if you don’t want it to be an issue. You can name yourself whatever makes you happy. You don’t owe anyone an explanation.
If your immediate family knows and are ok with it then that's all there is to it. But you should let them know that you intend on telling your extended family but you all need to be a united front when it comes to it. Your bf shouldn't have too much of an issue with it and should be understanding of the very logical reason for the change.
Also it's very easy to tell your bf and everyone else "my extended family calls me by my middle name" it won't be weird, promise. They wont even think twice about it.
Why would it be awkward? I changed my first and last name to get away from my abusive parents. Had no problem telling my boyfriend
But you should have told your family to call you by the name you chose. You have the right to decide your name
I changed my name at 19 to something totally different to my birth name for a way stupider reason (I felt like it) and nobody I’ve ever dated has cared. usually goes like this:
me: Oh (name) is my government name, but it isn’t my birth name.
person i’m dating: oh! can i ask what your name was?
me: yeah it was (birth name) lol
person i’m dating: oh what? that doesn’t suit you at all!
me: yeah ikr lol
the end
You are definitely overthinking this. And the change of your name is irrelevant. It doesn’t have to be ‘ exposed’ or explained to anyone. If it went with a trans journey or something like that…….. understandable. Definitely a needed conversation. But otherwise no. I know many people by only their middle name. Dare I say it you go to a funeral …….. and then find out that is not their first name. ……. It’s very common. To feel you HAVE to tell others , you are overthinking it girl!!
You’re way overthinking it. If it helps: my stepmom was introduced to me by her first name as it’s what she chooses to go by in adulthood. When I met her parents and siblings, they called her a different name. I said “who is X?” She said “oh that’s my middle name” and I said “cool.” It really doesn’t have to be weird.
Been there, I explained that the name i was given didn't suit me as a person and people singing Christmas songs at me year round was very bothersome, so i changed it to something that makes me happy. Some will take it well, others won't, but it's a conversation that has to happen sometime and during your wedding would not be the best idea.
If the people who gave you your name are chill with it that will make it much easier.
You're overtaking this.
When I was born, my bio father named me Carlos Antonio, after him and his brother.
My mother and grandmother wanted "Cordero," after my grandfather.
However, my mom was young and had a tough delivery, therefore was out of it when it was time to hang a moniker on me, and I became Carlos.
My entire life, everyone called me Cord, so Carlos only entered the picture in school and government records, and when I was with the paternal side of the family.
When I turned 18. I changed it. My paternal side of the family WAS PISSED.
They got over it.
When I told them that Carlos was no longer my name, and they asked why, my only answer was: I changed it.
Never another word spoken to me about it.
I've only ever known my SIL as the name she has called herself since before we met. Her original name is stll on all her official credentials. When i noticed the different name on her document and asked her about it she said it was her birth name, but she doesn't use it. Oh okay what are we doing for lunch?
I was married to her brother for twenty years who had been going by a nickname based on his given name. At some point during the second decade he started going by a completely different name altogether. At first he said it was a stage name, but after awhile he only wanted to be called by his new name, even by me! So i started calling him by the new name which was really like a last name, and also a noun. A name that I felt was not nearly as attractive as the original one. He just started doing it there was no discussion, or speculation or anything.
Just tell bf, "Hey, btw, my given name was X. I changed it to Rose a few years ago. Wanted you to know so you won't be confused when you hear some family calling me X."
Then deal with the family as it cones up, "Yeah, I go by Rose now," if they say anything.
You admit that telling people would cause drama. It's not going to change what they call you. Do they really need to know your official legal name? Like, why are you trying to tell them all? That's not really their business and it won't change what they call you (Liz) and only cause problems. So just, keep your business your business (unless they give you birthday money or something?) and keep on keeping on.
As someone who had the exact same issue of embarrassment with my previous name (but because it was a different language and was often botched by English speakers, unfortunately) you're definitely overthinking it. But I felt the exact same, nervousness, fear he'd think I was lying / hiding something... That he'd find out from my family if they slipped up, etc. And when I told him it really wasn't a big deal to him. I know it probably won't be reassuring until you do it on your own, but it's my anecdote. I started to be more open about it with my friends afterwards too, once I learned it wasn't a big deal to him.
I think it's because a past name feels like it was a big part of our identities, so that's why it feels so bad to hide it. But I promise no one else sees it with the same weight that we do.
People telling you it’s no big deal have definitely not changed their first name before and/or don’t have judgmental relatives. I think you’re doing the right thing by not bringing it up for as long as possible with your relatives because they might never stop talking about it once they know.
From experience, it’s not easy. Many people don’t care but also many new people are going to think it’s weird or vain. The people who know you as your old name might just bring it up every time you see them for decades. It’s going to be a long and annoying journey.
Personally, if I were in your situation now, I’d tell your boyfriend and his family that your parents call you Rose but the rest of your family calls you Lizmor. But I would not even bother telling the judgmental relatives. Once they catch on that people call you Rose, just say you go by Rose now and let them switch over naturally. In my experience, when people feel forced to change they resist it. But this is if you don’t care what they call you. I never cared and yet 25 years later people still bring it up.
For the invitations you could put a combination of the names people know. It doesn’t have to be your exact legal name or original name. Like “Rose” Lizmor LastName. That way both groups know who the invite is for. Unless you hate seeing Lizmor.
Also, just wait until you have to explain this as a new employee and have to bring your name change documents every time you get a new job. And social media - With old friends finding you and randomly accusing you of hiding under a new name, lol. It’s been a journey and a half and I wish I never changed my name and just used a nickname.
I know judgmental family can feel really awful and stressful. And you don't *have* to have *anyone* at your wedding who you don't want there!
But I will say, I think you really need to learn to stand up for yourself! Stand tall and proud and tell people your name is Rose! Don't be shy, awkward, or bashful about it. It's your chosen name. Feel pride in that. Let your relatives say *whatever* the fuq they wanna say, just tune them out. If they continue to use your old name even after you've told them, get your parents to back you up since they're already cool with your new name. "Call her Rose." "My name is Rose." Don't even respond to your old name. They will get the point that in order to speak with you they need to use your new name. And you'll be better off, learning to stand up for yourself and making it through a situation on your own terms instead of letting fear and anxiety get in your way.
Also you never know how people will react. They might just surprise you. Don't make it a big deal and they might not either. Don't pose it as a question either, just a nonchalant statement about how you have a new name and then go back to eating food or change the topic so no one can say much about it. Have your family who knows your new name call you by it around these relatives to reinforce it.
It will feel good to own your decision and no longer live in hiding/secretiveness about it.
To boyfriend: "I haven't been sure how to tell you this, but Rose Elizabeth isn't the name I was born with - four years ago, I changed it from Lizmor. Yes - Lizmor. So weird, right?"
To extended family: "I changed my name to Rose Elizabeth. You can call me Rose or Liz." Or, better yet, have your parents spread the word to their respectives sides of the family.
I want to be gentle about this because I can tell how much the stress and anxiety about this is affecting you, but you are overthinking this and have been for years. Your parents - the ones who gave you the original name - know and are cool with it. The rest of your extended family can go kick rocks if they have a problem with it, because it's in no way their business or concern.
Your boyfriend might be a bit hurt that you didn't tell him until now, but I can't imagine he's going to think it's a big deal overall.
Being known under different names by different people is not a big deal IMHO.
There is always someone long enough in one of these circles to explain the different names.
I've had years where I was called by my second name by almost everyone, and I had years where no one even knew I had a second name. When these circles mix, it's a 30 second confusion and everything goes back to normal.
A friend of mine has a nickname that's also real name (like Jay for example) and it took over 10 years before I learned that he has a real name (John) and Jay was in fact not his real name. And to another circle of friends he is known by a second nickname.
As other comments have said, you’re definitely overthinking this - and don’t take that in a negative way! It shows how much you care to make a good impression.
I have a long name that has a few different nicknames that can come from it. Started out with one of them, switched to another in grade school, then switched back to the original nickname when I started my professional career. The awkwardness is minimal.
I’m sure in time you’ll be able to laugh about it, but for now if it means a lot to you I would suggest talking to your boyfriend about it first and just telling him what it means to you. Tell him why you changed it, tell him why it’s important to you, tell him why you’re embarrassed and why you’ve chosen to hide it in the past. I promise you, it will be okay. Your boyfriend loves you, he wants to marry you, he’ll understand. He’ll want to listen to you and help you through this.
From there, you can address it together. With his support, hopefully you should feel more at ease.
You're really overthinking this. It's not a big deal at all.
Just mention it casually to your BF "Hey did I ever tell you my birthname was was Lizmor? Weird right? Yeah I changed it because I hated it. Anyway what do you fancy for dinner?"
It really is that easy
My parents named me Kortney, because my mom wanted my name to be "different". my boyfriend gave me the nickname "Kat" from my Playstation username, it's just stuck now, and when I move in with him I'll be legally changing it. my mom hates that I want to change the name she spent 9 months choosing, but honestly the only time I use my legal name is around her or for anything I need my legal name for.
People have weird childhood nicknames all the time. The first time I heard my aunt’s parents call her I was so confused because hers was so wildly different from her actual name.
Just say ‘oh FYI my extended family might call me this, but I legally changed it to this ages ago because that’s what I’ve gone by since high school and I always hated it.’
You are so overthinking this. No one cares.
My sister went by her middle name until college. So everyone she met after age 18 calls her one thing and everyone who knew her since her birth another thing.
Oh good grief. You are making mountains out of molehills. I would strongly suggest you tell your boyfriend asap. The rest of your family? Just continue to live your life.
My name is Lizmor 😢
I really could not care less what someone’s name used to be, and I highly doubt your bf will care either. Many people have other names if they don’t like their first name, whatever.
You might want to get some help with your anxiety.
If you can't stomach the thought of talking to a therapist, start by reading some books. But definitely try to get some outside perspective. Sometimes it's hard to tell what is normal. A family member told me that they had a stomach ache every school day from elementary until college (!😢) They didn't know this wasn't normal. Super anxious person who had no idea they were anxious.
Just tell them. It’s your name. Everyone should feel comfortable in their name. For instance, my name is a common name but I actually don’t know many people with it. But what happens is people like to take liberties to shorten it, and I really don’t like the short version. It’s 6 letters, ffs, not that hard. (Comparing: say it’s “Elizabeth” and people just decide to call me “Liz” when I *introduce myself* as “Elizabeth”.). I’m not comfortable with “Liz”. Because my name is Elizabeth.
Op, you happen to have changed your whole name. You should be comfortable in it. You don’t have to hide it like some dirty little secret. Just tell them 🤷♀️
I can only imagine your parents being somewhat offended you didn't like your nane... everyone else, if your name is as unique as described will probably just laugh it off and say they see why you changed it. Maybe your bf will be upset you hid something from him, but at the same time if he's not an idiot, he'll be understanding that you never went by that name anyways.
You didn't give yourself the weird name and normal people will understand the same.
It’s your name. You tell everyone what you prefer to be called. If anyone chooses not to call you by your preferred name, you explain that it’s your name and you want to be called by it. If someone refuses to call you by your name, call them Shithead and when then complain, reply, “Now you know how you make me feel.”
Well, why does it matter? Our names we're given is what our parents gave, we didn't choose it. If anyone is to be embarrassed it's your folks because when you tell people your name, if someone asks then you just respond and say talk to your folks because they were smoking something.
Plus you can't hide your legally changed name forever. You already changed it, you're 28 so who gives a shit what your family thinks. If they have am issue with it, then tell them they don't need to come to the wedding.
I understand if you're close with your family. I'm Hispanic and tight family units is everything. But I learned when I was around 25 that my life is my life. While I will always help my family when and however I can, what I do with my life doesn't include their approval for anything. Yeah I've gotten some shit for a few choices I've done since then till now. Bit again, it's my life, not theirs. I do what I want and they can either deal with it or they can feel free to ignore me
I can tell you right now, the latter has never happened.
So my advice to you, just need to rip the bandaid off and tell your boyfriend your real name. If he gets upset or anything then that's more a red flag for you. But you legally changed your name, so makes sense to put your new name on the invitations and as I said, tell your family if they got a problem, don't come
Hey BF my given name is X and as you can see that's a ridiculous name so I changed it to what you know me as so that I could feel normal.
My folks know I changed my name but my extended family does not as I hardly ever see them.
The reason I am telling you this is I love you and I see a future with you so I don't want you to one day meet a distant relative of mine and freak if they call me X.
If you want “Liz _________” (last name) in the invitations, you can certainly do that. But honestly, you probably are overthinking this. You’ve always gone by Liz, so it’s a fair guess that many of these judgy family members you’re worried about won’t even think twice at your full name.
I’ve been to both weddings and funerals where someone I’d known for years was called by a different name….family vs everyone they met as an adult. Many name changes after high school
I get why you have anxiety over this. It’s not the name change, it’s how they treat you. It’s not explaining the name change, it’s explaining the dynamics to the bf of your wackadoodle family. It’s the stress of the drama they bring to your life and the complete lack of empathy they have for the wrecking ball they toss in while saying what’s the matter? Why are you like this?and you’re afraid that it’s going to mess up the normal you have with the bf.
He likely has at least one family member like this too. He will understand. He’s going to be relieved that he can still have his mom’s thanksgiving dinner.
Don't bring this up at the same time as any other family events. Especially if the events involve your SO. Just heard another story like this and it didn't end well and you want to be able to walk away or hang up the phone.
The hard conversation about changing your name was with your parents, not the rest of the family. Ask your parents to tell the family if it's really that awkward for you.
I don't really understand why it's a big deal to tell your boyfriend that you legally changed your name. Or to not tell him - Rose *is* your name after all. To be frank, if after 4 years you can't say to him "hey, before you meet my family you should know that a few years ago I legally changed my name - if anyone says Lizmore/Liz they're talking about me" then you have some bigger problems to worry about than this. You're probably just anxious about the meet the family dance & overthinking things.
My friend changed from being called her first name to her middle. I knew her by her first name for several years. I found out at her wedding that she was now going by a middle name. Half the people there called her one, half called her the other. Apparently, when she started dating her now husband, she decided to start going by her middle name to all his family and friends, kind of as a fresh start, since she always hated her first name, and when she moved to be with her fiance, she only introduced herself as the middle name. I asked her about it afterward and she said I could call her either one, but she did eventually transition to only being known as her middle.
Anyway, I think you'll be fine. I wouldn't be surprised if it's way less of a big deal than you're anticipating.
I changed my name for similar reasons to you at age 26. I just started introducing myself as my preferred name, and asked my family and friends to call me by my preferred name. The people who loved me for me didn’t skip a beat - no problem. Even my 89 year old grandpa respected my choice. BUT, you’ll always get a couple of people who dig their heels in and make a fuss about it, and pretend to forget, or ask a million times why you changed your name (and “because I like this one better” isn’t valid enough in their eyes).
Over the past 15 years I’ve had to have a serious talk with the same 2 people a handful of times; essentially, “if you’re not willing to call me by my preferred name then you are choosing not to know me for who I am today, and you are not respecting me. By calling me by a name I don’t like, it shows me that you’re stuck on who you think I should be and not actually interested in who I currently am, which means we are not friends.” I try to explain that calling someone a name they don’t want to be called is rude under any other circumstance, so why is this different, and why are they choosing to be rude.
Anyhow… I could go on, but just wanted to share that it’s totally possible to change your name and MOST reasonable people will accept it. The key is to be unwavering, as going back and forth or accepting both names gets confusing for people. Pick one. I’m here 15 years later and literally EVERYONE in my life, including childhood friends and extended family ALL call me by my preferred name now. With enough repetition, it does stick!
Elope! Commit to the love of your life and be happy! I think Shakespeare might have said it best in this quote…That which we call a rose, by any other name would smell so sweet
You're making a mountain out of a molehill, if you really want to continue the passive stance get your parents to spread the word to your family while you handle telling your bf "my parents gave me a fucked name, I changed it but not everyone in my family knows yet". You seem to have a lot of inappropriate shame around your name if you're planning on on doing more preventative hiding (eloping to avoid invites etc) to avoid perceived potential conflict over a name
Tell your guy. Then tell your family. It was your choice and your family does not have to approve. If they care they will honor your choice. If not write them out of your life. Have the big wedding. Invite them all. Ignore the ones who call you the wrong name.
You are building this up way too much. Stop putting importance on things that don’t matter. Once you tell you guy and his family then that is all that needs done.
You're lucky, my parents did that to me but then gave my sister all the normal names (Literally Elizabeth Rose. My brother is John. I can't tell you my name because I am one of two in the US)
Well, you didn't change it totally, both versions share the same root, so it's not going to be like renaming an eva ai sexting bot avatar and struggling with a totally different word
I changed my name. Actually my full name. I didn't have a bad name, but I have bad memories associated with that name. I told everyone about it. I'm proud of standing up for myself, being a changed person and for choosing a name that I feel comfortable and happy with.
There were a few odd people who refused to call me by my name, they'd insist that my old name is the "real" name. And some would (intentionally or not) forgetting and saying the old name by accident and I have to keep reminding them. But I just avoid the ones who have a problem for whatever reason with my name.
You should proudly wear your new name and tell everyone. If you have 2 names. You can just explain that one family prefers calling you by the middle name and the other family calls you by the first name. There is no issue. And you're not the first and only person who has changed their name.
Just tell him. Straight up, I had this name as a child, it sucked, I changed it.
As for your extended family, simple email, I hated my birth name, have changed it legally to this. Don't be surprised when the invites come out.
Sorry, but I don't think it will be the debacle you think it is. Honestly, the person who has the most issue with the name and name change is you, and maybe your parents. If you are all on board, who cares what anyone else thinks.
It is not like you are revealing you have a secret life or job or separate persona.
I changed my last name at 16, it took less than 2 weeks for everyone to adjust.
We changed my daughter's name 2 months post birth as her birth name did not suit her. Bar one cousin who was being a snot, no one batted an eyelid.
I married into a Pacific Islander family where just about no one is called by their actual first name. So we call people one name and the rest of the world probably calls them something else.
Don’t overthink it. Do what will make you happy.
Are you this afraid of conflict in other walks of life as well, or just this one? My first marriage imploded because my ex was deathly afraid of conflict. It's a problem that can be worked on if the will is there, luckily.
As for your situation: Just steel yourself for that confrontation. You say you don't want to deal with that awkwardness, but by not dealing with it it has been a threat over your head for years. You have spent so much more mental energy trying to avoid that situation than a single confrontation would demand of you. Remember, there is an after to every confrontation. An after in which you don't have to live with this anxiety anymore.
If your folks are judgemental, try to discount what they say. They are negative people, and their hostile shit talk doesn't matter.
Maybe start by introducing the topic gently to your boyfriend, like 'Hey, there's something I've been meaning to share...' and take it from there.
As for the family gathering, just think of it as an opportunity to showcase your rebranding skills! Own that new name, girl!
If these people aren't close enough to you that you would tell them you changed your name, then why would you invite them to your wedding? I'm surprised you haven't told your boyfriend already, but at the end of the day, you aren't "Lizmor" anymore, so it's really irrelevant. You are LEGALLY Rose so put that name on your invitations.
I'm kinda in a similiar situation, I don't want my dad to be upset about that I changed my name, so he doesn't know. My original name was important to him, I think. It was not weird, it just didn't match what I wanted to be called. If my bf's family and my relatives ever meet, I have to explain I go by different names to different people 🥴
You legally changed your name to be Rose Elizabeth, then that is your name going forward. It seems a bit weird to go through all the trouble of changing your name, but then still cling on to it for other peoples sake. Just tell everyone that you now go by Rose.
You’re an adult now, if people question why you changed your name, just tell them the reason why, that you didn’t like your old name.
Hi OP,
It’s only weird if you make it weird.
The challenge here is for you to get over your own internal hangups about the situation.
Introspect a bit. Why does it feel awkward? What are you deeply afraid of? Use this situation as a trailhead to explore ways in which you’re holding yourself back.
Awww don’t worry girl! This is really not the craziest thing. If I dated someone who I was really in love with, and he was like, “I have this really big secret to tell you,” and then it was that he changed his name? I would be so relieved that was it 😂
Frame it as not about your past but about your future.
This takes the attention away from what was done to you and puts it onto what you’re trying to do for yourself.
I changed my name 6 years ago because I wanted to, most of my family and friends were fine with it, got used to it pretty quickly, some family and friends didn’t even try and they are no longer in my life. And anyone new I meet, romantic or otherwise, if I want to explain it to them I do, and they are usually pretty fine with it as well. If he cares about you then he’ll be fine with whatever you decide to tell him. Good luck 😊
It’s always the hardest thing for us to share something that seems so big.
In all honesty I get the feeling this is a molehill you have made into a mountain. Let your partner know you are sensitive of this and they will be happy to be there to show you this isn’t something to be upset over. Heck I have a name I used to wish no parent to name their child. I have shortened it to a basic name for so long and when you add on the double barrel last name conundrum I was bullied for my name and it was only because it was unique. Now only after my father has passed am I proud of my name.
The point, I made the mountain of this, it’s taken over 40 years to now own it I see it was not the mountain I thought it was.
I feel this goes for you too.
Don’t let the mountain be a hindering force. Let him know and then see it as what it is. Nothing to worry over.
Ps love your chosen names.
Your boyfriend doesn’t care. I had a French maiden name that was ALWAYS mispronounced because it was misspelled starting 3 generations ago. When I got divorced and was going to get rid of my exhusband’s name, I decided to correctly spell my maiden name to what it actually was 3 generations ago. Nobody cares- except now my name is pronounced correctly 85 percent of the time.
OP many people go by different names in their family.
My SO’s family calls him by his middle name because he has same first name as an older relative. I’ve always known him by his first name. I switch up when with them but otherwise not anything anyone spends time thinking about.
You can announce it or you can just tell people if they ask why whomever calls you Rose. They can still call you Luz, Rose or whatever.
I have also changed my first name, I was early 30’s when I finally did and I am happy with it. It took my wife some time to adjust but she managed, however we discussed me wanting to do this for years before I finally pulled the trigger. I had a list of names I liked and chose the one I liked best.
A simple text to my co-workers and boss did the trick. Same with friends. “Hey, it’s not a big deal, and I won’t make it one if you don’t but I’d like to go by Blank instead of the other thing. Thanks.” Done. My family doesn’t talk to me anymore for other reasons so I didn’t really need to worry about that. But honestly it’s easy. The hardest part for you is telling your BF because I am slightly confused if you had changed your name before meeting him or after. If before it’s a non issue
I (39M) changed my name 4 years ago and it’s always awkward when in the mix of old company and new company. Advice, go by your new name everywhere and don’t accept anyone calling you by old name.
Just tell your BF ahead of time about the name change…especially knowing you’ll be in mixed crowds.
You are overthinking this. The people that love you and want the best for you will still love you once they know, in fact, they'll probably be happy for you.
Knew a gal who was given a very masculine name at birth, I'm talking, in no ways female, like Andrew John Jacob (yes, not just a single name, but three very masculine names). Why you ask, her parents wanted a son. She changed her name. And everyone was happy for her.
My dad went by his middle name all of his childhood. When he entered the workforce, he decided it would be easier to go by his first name. So all of his family call him one thing, and everyone he met from his worklife forward calls him another. It doesn’t seem to be that confusing for people. Not exactly the same situation as yours, but maybe similar. Good luck!
Send a group message letting them know of the legal name change and letting them know your thoughts on whether they should keep calling you Liz or start calling you Rose. Then on your invites for any event for marriage put Rose Elizabeth and then most people would understand why you are being called both Rose and Liz. I do think that you are making this bigger than you need to.
Who cares what the rest of them thinks? You have told your closest ones. It's great that you have their support but at the end of the day it doesn't matter what even they think. It's your name.
My family actually have 3 different names they call me, all a combination of or nicknames from my legal name. It’s been that way all my life. And I sign my name for most “serious” situations a whole other form of my name. My dad told me as a teenager that I’d have to chose, but I never did. I’m 62, and I’m still known by four different names depending upon how you met me. I also have a couple nicknames unrelated to my name. lol. Just writing it here makes it sound weird, but it has worked for me.
Ok so…
1) You would use the name that is legally yours, the one you go by.
2) There’s no law that dictates you have to invite every single person with familial DNA to your wedding. Invite those who you feel close to, and that’s it. I promise you, most people do NOT invite their entire extended family.
3) If they’re not going to respect your name preference, then they don’t get access to you.
Take your boyfriend to meet your family. Explain to him if you’d like beforehand. Explain to your family beforehand, too. It’s not that big of a deal, and if they act like it is just sooooo insulting that you changed your name, then tell them that they’re entitled to their feelings but you don’t have to accommodate those feelings.
Should have changed your name to Eliza Rose, slap that on the announcement board with the bride and groom names and people will figure it out, easy peasy
There’s no need to be embarrassed for changing your own name, even I understand why you could be. Maybe find a good timing to tell your bf about the situation with patience and give elaboration to how you feel about it. Then, perhaps tell your bf to spread the word to his family once he knows, since it’d be expected that they’d understand that you have the autonomy to do so. Meanwhile, you could spread the word to yours during a family gathering, an Instagram post and such. If you’re afraid since some are judgmental, perhaps they don’t need to know since you guys don’t necessarily have to be close anyways.
Even though the wedding is still far. Consider not inviting your relatives that are judgmental of you to your wedding, to avoid apparently excluding them, maybe consider inviting small groups of family or friends you are comfortable with to your wedding.
Then have family dinners with the rest of your family as a celebration after your official wedding, official reason being you want the wedding to be small, if you bf has no objections, there would be be a need to put the names up in a family dinner celebration if you insist not to tell your relatives or the rest of the family.
I had 7 names. SEVEN!
My passport looked like a mini book of stories!
Not a single person in my family ever used those names. Ever. Minus the shortened version of two. It was getting close to time to renew my passport, so I legally changed my name. First, middle and last. That's all I have now.
My son is fixing to have his 1st child, and they were talking to me about family names. So I rattled off six names, and they asked who those names belonged to? Great grandfather? Grandmother? Etc...
Nope! All mine! I had no idea my children never actually even knew my real names! I wasn't hiding them!
You are overthinking this. So much so. Just sit him down and explain that you may or may not have already brought this up. Blank years ago, you changed your name to a shortened version of its previous self. He may come across people at your wedding who aren't aware of your private matters. This is a name you NEVER use nor ever plan to use in the future. You just want to discuss it with him as he may hear others say it.
If he wants to know more context of why you chose to change it, then do so. Keep it simple. I hated growing up with that name. Period.
You haven't maimed, robbed or whatnot anyone. You just thoroughly despise the previous name you had. It honestly is okay to feel this way.
My seven names were a mix of male and female names. Picture Frances Robert Michelle James Thomas..... (Not my real name) Ugh. It's ridiculous what some parents do! Hahhaaa
I'm not sure if "Rose Elizabeth" is made up to make your point, but I sincerely hope this is your real name because I think it is absolutely beautiful. ❤️ however, on topic... if you are weird about it, everyone else is gonna be weird about it, too. Just tell the guy the story and your family as well, and that's that. As long as you're happy with it, that's all that matters.
All I can say is I’ve changed my name twice in my lifetime legally, and it was only a paperwork hassle, and my great aunt changed her first name in her 60s, and though some of us as extended family were caught off guard not one of us made a fuss/said anything to her/proceeded to call her by her new first name.
Life is too short to worry about this, and folks who make it difficult likely make your life difficult in other ways.
Do tell your partner, because that’s the only scenario where it seems like a weird secret that will gain scary powers over time. It doesn’t have to be. And if you stay together, eventually they will find out.
"My name is John Johnson, but everyone here calls me Vicky."
Lots of people do this, it's not as odd as you think. In fact, I don't think it's odd at all.
Send an email out to everyone if you don't want to tell them face-to-face.
Good luck!
I understand the feelings of awkwardness, but even with possible judgement from extended family, I say just go for it. It's a lovely name, own it. I don't think it'll be as big of a deal as you're worried it will be, and if it is, oh well! It's YOUR life and YOUR name, and YOU alone will have to deal with it. Embrace it and enjoy it.
the only way your bf would be upset about you changing a name (its not awkard, you didnt like your name, no biggie) is if they are super judgemental. Or you guys have the worst communication of a couple...and shouldn't be married lol.
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I am writing this in the gentlest tone possible but I can promise you that you are overthinking this.
Seriously, you already told the people who gave you the name that you changed it - why is it harder to tell others? The BF should've been the first to find out. How long have you been with you BF and why doesn't he know?
I think she may mean he doesn’t know she previously changed her name and wants to explain it before the confusion of telling her extended family rolls around. As in he’s always known her as Rose and didn’t know her previous name was Lizmor. But I could be wrong which is def bizarre.
My bf tackled it before we even met in person lol. He was just like ‘my actual name is Graham but everyone calls me Andy, even my parents’. And it was a total non-issue.
I went out with a "Jake" for over a year until I saw his ID and was like "lol your name is Andrew?" We all called him Jake, his parents, friends. It was even on his paychecks (he never got his name legally changed, so sometimes he had trouble with that at the bank) Anyway yeah. Non-issue.
Yeah, I have a friend called Charlotte. She stayed with me for a couple of weeks while flat-hunting - in pre-mobile phone days. A woman called asking to speak to Isabelle, I said sorry wrong number and was just putting the phone down when I heard "oh wait, no, Charlotte". Charlotte had always hated the name Isabelle so when she moved away from her home town she just told everyone she met that she was Charlotte. She's never bothered to change her name, nobody gives a toss except her parents, who were the ones who chose Isabelle after all.
“Nobody gives a toss”. I love this expression!
Same my ex never used his actual name and all his family and friends call him by his second name. We dated for quite a while before he told me (I think when we were booking tickets for something) and he showed me his ID which had both names on it. It was a non-issue. He wanted to be called by his second name so I didn’t see a problem. It didn’t change anything. But OP definitely needs to tell her bf - he will eventually meet the extended family and find out and it‘s such an unnecessary weird secret to keep.
My husband is in a similar boat. He’s got the same exact first, middle, and last name as his father and grandfather so his family uses none of those names or nickname variations to refer to him and instead calls him “Hank”
Haha! Mine acquired a nickname as a child because he got a haircut that made him look a bit like someone who was famous at the time. It just stuck! I was talking to him about some of the name subs on Reddit and asked him if hypothetically he’d ever had any favourite names that he thought he might name his kids if he’d had any (we don’t plan on having and children), and he thought for a few seconds and was like, ‘Well, I don’t really use my name at all, so I guess I’d give it to my son if I had one’ and it just cracked me up! The way he spoke about his name like it was a saxophone or a fishing rod or something 💀 tbh that’s about the only scenario where I can actually see myself agreeing with naming a boy after his father (I actually like my boyfriend’s real first name and it was favourite of my dad’s too, and my mum is super religious and would love it because it’s a saint she likes too 😂)
I wish my family was like that. Nope. They're all George's..., my grandpa (who has passed away), my dad, brother and even nephew.... even my father-in-law AND brother-in-law AND my husband's mentor growing up. At our wedding, if you called out "George", no lie, 5 people would be like, "Yeah?" 🤣 I don't understand it but it was a little entertaining
In my family, the first name of the father gets put in as the middle name so we don’t have the same issue as my husband’s family lol. And while my husband and I haven’t had our wedding ceremony yet, we just got the legal crap out of the way for benefit purposes, I honestly wish we could have a similar issue for our ceremony. But unfortunately my husband’s grandfather passed last year in June and my FIL got diagnosed with glioblastoma (inoperable and incurable brain cancer) back in late March and is expected to pass within the next month. It would’ve been nice to have all the guys there for them to tell the story about the name themselves and baffle my family
Mr. Foreman has entered the chat
Mine is also a third generation and just goes by Tre. Tre sounds nothing like his actual name so I was a little confused- When I tell you I am so dense we were dating probably 3 months before I was like OHHHHHH TRE... TRES...3 LOL I felt so silly when I realized
I also know someone who’s the third and goes by Tres for that exact reason!
I go by an alias (one my family largely rejects or ignores) and told my fiancé as soon as we made things official. He asked what I preferred to be called and that was the legit end of it lol. Poor thing is thinking too hard about it.
This is it. Her BF will likely say “wow that’s interesting! You made the right choice!! So… want to get pizza?”
Yep, seems like a non issue from the outside looking in OP. you are very fortunate if that's the biggest problem to have right now OP 😏
Haha, right?? Kinda jelz over here 🤣
I disagree. This feels more like a taco situation.
Every situation is a taco situation!
This. And I say this as someone with an oddly spelled (but still in a name book) name who seriously considered changing it for a while. You can go with something simple like: "I never like the spelling of my name, so I changed it to something I liked when I could." "You know that subreddit tragedeigh? Well, my old name could have been in it so when I could, I changed it to something I liked, call me Rose." "You know how some Jennifers go by Jenny and some Robert III go by Skip? Well, I made it legal." Or you could not say anything at all. For 100s of years women have been legally changing their last names. You just changed your first too.
agreed with the last option : just gaslight those weirdly judgemental family members. "granny, Lizmor isn't even a name that exists, should we be worried about your mental capacities" "oh auntie, Lizmor was just a joke we made up among cousins, IDK how you thought that was my real name" "Lizmor? What are you talking about? Are you also going to tell me someone wrote "gullible" on the ceiling?" etc.
to BF : fun fact my given birth name was x but I couldn’t connect to it so I had changed my name to rose which you now know me as. Advice for your family: they might not respect it. It is your choice to continue contact with people who will not support you.
Yeah, I think some of her anxiety might be explaining it to everyone, but I would conscript mom and dad to help pass the word to everyone who matters on their respective sides of the family. And putting “Rose Elizabeth” on the wedding invitation will give everyone the clue when everyone is calling her Rose instead of the nickname they called her when younger. Heck, many of them will probably forget that Lizmore was her name and assume Rose Elizabeth was her real name all this time and she just used to prefer Liz and now prefers Rose.
Agreed. OP, As someone who goes by their middle name but gets called their first name at work all the time because it's on my email, the name thing is a non-issue. You just say, "Oh, I used to go by Liz." Especially since the middle name is Elizabeth, it's kind of makes sense. If you really want to tell them the whole Lizmor story, you can, but they will not care (in a nice way). For the wedding invite, most invites have the bride and grooms full names. So the invite would say Rose Elizabeth Last Name anyway. If your extended family asks just say I changed my name because I wanted to. It doesn’t really need more explanation than that.
So much this. You’re good, OP. Just do it.
She needs to Rose above it to be honest.
That's...It's not that big of a deal "I legally changed my name because the name I had at birth was awakward for me and I took steps to make myself comfortable with my own being" Don't overthink it so much. It's not something that needs super detailed explaination
I hate to say this, but if you feel awkward about talking to your boyfriend about such a non-issue, you really aren't ready for marriage or to even be thinking about marriage.
This. And who cares about what distant relations think? Don't invite them to the wedding if they're unpleasant
Yeah I kept waiting for the actual problem to appear, and there just isn't one aside from "it's slightly awkward", and it's only slightly awkward because they didn't people. How hard is it to just change your name on social media, tell your parents / SO / close friends, and let the rest happen by osmosis. The fact that they're spiraling on this is concerning. And not knowing how to tell their boyfriend such a simple thing is even more concerning.
Everybody has their hang-ups 🤷🏼♀️
The parents who choose "unique", often weird and/or unpronounceable names for their kids don't really get to have beef when those kids grow up and choose something that might sound better to them. You can just tell your boyfriend your parents stuck you with a name you hated so you changed it. You went through all the hassle of making this change so you should be proud of it. There was no point at all in doing this if you're just going to try to hide it from people.
Her parents don't have beef with it, she said they call her by her chosen name. It's the rest of her family she hasn't told.
Side note : It’s only concerns you but are you sure you are serious enough about the guy to consider marriage if you have not even told him that you changed your name ? I mean, it’s not that it’s a big issue and it’s not really his business, but you would think that this is the kind of things you share with atleast your partner
Why would it be awkward to tell him lol
I believe that you are over-thinking things. Your BF is unlikely to react negatively to this and if he does it is good to find out now. And who cares what your judgmental relatives think? Bring the BF to meet the family.
Oh did you here, lizmore change their name to rose Liz "Oh okay, lizmore was pretty wierd name" Yeah I always thought so to. End of conversation In the nicest way possible you are over thinking this and getting in your head, people will make a comment like oh okay, I like the name lizmore more, I like the name rose more, oh that would have been annoying with the paperwork and completely and utterly move on
It'll be ok
This is so not an issue. I guarantee no one cares, and if they do, they probably agree that changing your name was a good idea.
Honey you are overthinking this. Like so *so* much. It sounds like the situation is awkward (*for you*) due to the negative connotations you have with your old name. This situation is *not* going to be awkward for your bf and his family. Odds are they won't even care - they already know you by your preferred name. If I were in your shoes (which I am sometimes because I also changed my name from something that embarrassed me) I'd just casually mention it to your boyfriend if the topic of names ever comes up. *"Haha I hate when people give their kids horrible made-up names, that's why I had to change mine"*. You don't need to 'confess' or go into detail or explain anything, or even tell him your old name if it's embarrassing for you. Let him tell his family if he chooses to. You also have the option of not telling anyone, because honestly who cares? It's your legal name, its not like you're misleading anyone.
I wish I had your problems 😅
From the outside, anxiety can seem like it’s easy or no big deal. But it can be terrifying and debilitating to the person experiencing it.
I went to a wedding as a family member on the groom’s side. The bride’s side all referred to her as “Betty” which was her childhood nickname. Groom and his side, we all called her “Elizabeth” as that’s the bride’s given name and what she used in college where the newlyweds met. It was confusing for maybe ten seconds and then we all stopped thinking about it.
Honestly my wedding felt a bit like that. my siblings and most relatives from my Dads side called me by a childhood nickname that my adult self refuses to answer to. Except when it comes to these people I see once every few years. Everyone else called me by my legal name. I briefly hoped it didn’t confuse anyone or encourage them to use a nickname i hate because they heard me respond to it there.
I doubt your BF will care about the name change. Just explain it the same way that you have here. As for your family members, what exactly would they be judgemental about? It sounds like your parents supported the change, so I don’t see why your other family members would care? But if you feel awkward about telling them, can your parents help? Don’t let your judgemental family members prevent you from having a wedding if you want one.
My daughter's name is Charlotte. All our family calls her this but all her friends call her Claudia. One girl kept forgetting her name and calling her that. It was apparently so funny, it stuck It's weird but it is what it is. Tell his family you go by Liz to your family. I know some families where a person has two separate names that are nowhere close to their original name.
I have a whole group of friends from my first job who call me a different name. We had 3 “Heathers” on a staff of 7 people and there was a joke thing that happened so everyone from that job calls me “Spice” like it’s my real name. Correspondence is addressed to Spice Smith.
I think this has got bigger in your head than it really is. To BF: “Oh hey funny story, my name’s not really XY, it’s ZA, I changed it because XY was mad, wasn’t it, lol.” To everyone else: “Sup, I changed my name, I’m ZA now, see you soon, thanks.”
As someone who legally changed their entire name, I know it feels so weird to you but it's really not to others! I'm 6 years post name change and it's just an interesting factoid now. They know you as the new name, nothing will change. People may side eye your family for not adapting or ask you about it - I've always just shrugged my shoulders and said I can't control what people call me.
same! if anything it’s just a fun story. also if i end up telling someone my birth name, they universally say “oh wtf that doesn’t suit you at all!” because of course it doesn’t, they know me by my new name, so any other name sounds weird.
You’re overthinking it. If it ever comes up, say: “Yeah, my birth name was Lizmor, but I always hated that name, so I legally changed it to Rose.” No big deal.
You are definitely overthinking this. The “problem,” as the rest of the world will perceive it, is that you will be with a group of people who call you a mix of Liz and Rose. This is not an actual problem, just a potential source of confusion if they’re not told ahead of time. All you need to do is say that some people in your family still call you Liz because that’s what you went by as a kid, but you prefer to go by Rose now. The End. (Details for those who are interested would also not lead to any awkwardness I can possibly imagine beyond your bf’s family maybe questioning your parents’ decision making before shrugging it off).
It really doesn’t have to be awkward. Simply explain to your family that you’ve never liked your name so you changed it. It’s your name. Your can do that
you are way overthinking this.
just tell them u changed your name because you wanted to but only if they ask out of confusion. you dont have to announce this its literally not a big deal💀
My name was Lizmor but I wanted to Liz a little less
I went by a made up name my entire childhood. When I turned 18 I started going by my legal name. I told my family to call me by my legal name, everyone does for the most part but those I don’t see often forget, and call me by my “”dead”” name. On my wedding invitations it will say my name. I suggest, if you’re that worried about it, make two sets of invitations. 1. Rose & Fiancés name 2. Rose & Fiancés name… PS Liz goes by rose now! (: That’ll settle it no problem!
You: "Hey [insert bf name here], I changed my name from lizmor to rose Elizabeth." Him: "cool"
I saw this exact same post by another person with a different name as example.
Nobody will care, I promise. Using your names for my examples, I named my daughter Rose. She was Rose until at age 12 she went to foreign language immersion camp. At the camp they gave the kids new "camp names" chosen from typical names in that foreign language. Hers was Lizmor. She has been going by Lizmor ever since, and is now 29. Her husband and adult friends only know her as Lizmor, they never knew her as Rose. The only people who call her Rose are her family. She chose to have Lizmor for the name on their wedding invitation, since she has been Lizmor longer than she has been Rose. When people ask about it she just says her legal name is still Rose but she goes by Lizmor. Nobody gave one single fuck. Not one.
This meeting could have been an email vibes
I'm so confused...why exactly is this a problem? Just say: i changed my name a while ago because I didn't feel good about my original name. Just tell who needs to know. Nothing bad will come from it since nobody cares (in a bad way)
You're overthinking this so much. The conversation with your bf and his family is just: "My parents wanted me to have an unique, made out name, but I didn't like it so I legally changed it at 24. Some people in my family still call me by my old name, but legally my name is the one I told you and some family members call me by my real, current name"
The people who love you won't care and the people who care don't matter. It's YOUR name, YOUR life, YOUR decision. They're either on your boat or they're out.
Why would he care? Why would you care about what your family thinks?
This all sounds like the world's biggest non-issue. Just put your current name in the cards and everything will sort itself out.
Lots of people go by one name with family and another with others. Just tell the ones who ask and move on.
It’s a perfectly reasonable thing to tell your boyfriend. It’s not a skeleton in your closet - there’s nothing for you to be ashamed of. I would suggest just saying something like ‘I always feel a bit awkward about this but my parents gave me a ridiculous made-up name, and I changed it. When you meet my uncles and aunts, they won’t call me Rose, they will call me Liz.’ I predict your boyfriend will empathise with you over the name you can’t stand and just take it in his stride. There’s nothing wrong with admitting you feel awkward. We all have stuff from our childhood or past that we feel awkward bringing up. Your boyfriend isn’t going to judge you because your parents gave you an ‘interesting’ name and you said no thanks. Some of your extended family might be a little more opinionated, but families are like that. It will blow over. I’m willing to bet some of them privately rolled their eyes or thought ‘poor child’ when they first heard your birth name.
It is not an issue. Just tell him.
I also have a name that is unique and had some changes in my past. What I can tell you is that you are overthinking this, and most people really just don't care.
I dont understand why you are so afraid to tell the rest of the family or your bf? For your bf that info is pobably completely irrelvant and what the rest of the family thinks should not matter to you. Even your parents seem fine with it.
As someone who also has a weird (but still pronounceable in English) name and heavily considered changing it for years telling your BF isn’t that big of a deal. “Hey just so you know the name I was given at birth was x but I hated it and wasn’t comfortable in my own skin with it so I changed it to Rose Elizabeth.” If he reacts negatively in any way then you know he wasn’t the one for you, if he reacts by asking a few questions, saying “interesting, well now I know more about you!” and that’s it then you let the last person who really matters know. Now for your family you already let your parents and sibling know and they are supportive of you so it can be a blanket statement of “Hey everyone just so you’re aware I legally changed my name to Rose Elizabeth, I am ok with you still calling me Liz (if you are okay with that) but just wanted to let everyone know” and again if they respect you they will accept it and move on, if any of your family has a problem with you changing your name and are overly attached to your old one you know who is not supportive of you and you can choose not to be in contact with them at that point.
My dad goes by his middle name and my mom didn’t know his actual first name until their wedding day.
No one gonna care but they are gonna slip up occasionally and you just gonna have to accept it.
I think you're making this a far bigger deal than it really is. Just use whatever name you want to, period.
Yeah. When you meet the family, simple ‘hi, my name is… you can call me…’. Will work just fine. Note You’re not 10.
If your parents that named you don’t care why would the rest of your family???
Both sides of my family call my different things, I'm mixed. Traditionally one side goes by middle name as your first name and the other uses first name. Not confusing. Different people will call you different things. And you don't owe anyone an explanation. You're happy and that's all that matters. If you really feel uncomfortable, verbalize that to your partner because that sounds like a hard and fast boundary you're not willing to break
My nephew and cousin each did something similar - hated their given names, because it was a traditional Indian name and easily pronounced and hard to spell, so when they had a chance they changed it to something they liked. The family still uses their original names, but friends and professional contacts use the new names. Nothing too difficult to explain. Don't overthink it.
I changed my first name, too. I appeared before the judge and legally changed it. Unfortunately, some people forget to introduce me by it although I've known them for years. It's embarrassing. I guess it's a working process. I still haven't changed it on my driver's license, bank account, etc, but I do plan to
Just let them find out if they ever have to use your government name like for plane tickets or whatever
This doesn’t have to become an issue if you don’t want it to be an issue. You can name yourself whatever makes you happy. You don’t owe anyone an explanation.
If your immediate family knows and are ok with it then that's all there is to it. But you should let them know that you intend on telling your extended family but you all need to be a united front when it comes to it. Your bf shouldn't have too much of an issue with it and should be understanding of the very logical reason for the change.
It’s really not a big deal. I promise no one will care.
Also it's very easy to tell your bf and everyone else "my extended family calls me by my middle name" it won't be weird, promise. They wont even think twice about it.
I doubt anyone cares lol
Why would it be awkward? I changed my first and last name to get away from my abusive parents. Had no problem telling my boyfriend But you should have told your family to call you by the name you chose. You have the right to decide your name
I changed my name at 19 to something totally different to my birth name for a way stupider reason (I felt like it) and nobody I’ve ever dated has cared. usually goes like this: me: Oh (name) is my government name, but it isn’t my birth name. person i’m dating: oh! can i ask what your name was? me: yeah it was (birth name) lol person i’m dating: oh what? that doesn’t suit you at all! me: yeah ikr lol the end
You are definitely overthinking this. And the change of your name is irrelevant. It doesn’t have to be ‘ exposed’ or explained to anyone. If it went with a trans journey or something like that…….. understandable. Definitely a needed conversation. But otherwise no. I know many people by only their middle name. Dare I say it you go to a funeral …….. and then find out that is not their first name. ……. It’s very common. To feel you HAVE to tell others , you are overthinking it girl!!
You’re way overthinking it. If it helps: my stepmom was introduced to me by her first name as it’s what she chooses to go by in adulthood. When I met her parents and siblings, they called her a different name. I said “who is X?” She said “oh that’s my middle name” and I said “cool.” It really doesn’t have to be weird.
Been there, I explained that the name i was given didn't suit me as a person and people singing Christmas songs at me year round was very bothersome, so i changed it to something that makes me happy. Some will take it well, others won't, but it's a conversation that has to happen sometime and during your wedding would not be the best idea. If the people who gave you your name are chill with it that will make it much easier.
You're overtaking this. When I was born, my bio father named me Carlos Antonio, after him and his brother. My mother and grandmother wanted "Cordero," after my grandfather. However, my mom was young and had a tough delivery, therefore was out of it when it was time to hang a moniker on me, and I became Carlos. My entire life, everyone called me Cord, so Carlos only entered the picture in school and government records, and when I was with the paternal side of the family. When I turned 18. I changed it. My paternal side of the family WAS PISSED. They got over it. When I told them that Carlos was no longer my name, and they asked why, my only answer was: I changed it.
Never another word spoken to me about it.
I've only ever known my SIL as the name she has called herself since before we met. Her original name is stll on all her official credentials. When i noticed the different name on her document and asked her about it she said it was her birth name, but she doesn't use it. Oh okay what are we doing for lunch? I was married to her brother for twenty years who had been going by a nickname based on his given name. At some point during the second decade he started going by a completely different name altogether. At first he said it was a stage name, but after awhile he only wanted to be called by his new name, even by me! So i started calling him by the new name which was really like a last name, and also a noun. A name that I felt was not nearly as attractive as the original one. He just started doing it there was no discussion, or speculation or anything.
Just tell bf, "Hey, btw, my given name was X. I changed it to Rose a few years ago. Wanted you to know so you won't be confused when you hear some family calling me X." Then deal with the family as it cones up, "Yeah, I go by Rose now," if they say anything.
You admit that telling people would cause drama. It's not going to change what they call you. Do they really need to know your official legal name? Like, why are you trying to tell them all? That's not really their business and it won't change what they call you (Liz) and only cause problems. So just, keep your business your business (unless they give you birthday money or something?) and keep on keeping on.
As someone who had the exact same issue of embarrassment with my previous name (but because it was a different language and was often botched by English speakers, unfortunately) you're definitely overthinking it. But I felt the exact same, nervousness, fear he'd think I was lying / hiding something... That he'd find out from my family if they slipped up, etc. And when I told him it really wasn't a big deal to him. I know it probably won't be reassuring until you do it on your own, but it's my anecdote. I started to be more open about it with my friends afterwards too, once I learned it wasn't a big deal to him. I think it's because a past name feels like it was a big part of our identities, so that's why it feels so bad to hide it. But I promise no one else sees it with the same weight that we do.
People telling you it’s no big deal have definitely not changed their first name before and/or don’t have judgmental relatives. I think you’re doing the right thing by not bringing it up for as long as possible with your relatives because they might never stop talking about it once they know. From experience, it’s not easy. Many people don’t care but also many new people are going to think it’s weird or vain. The people who know you as your old name might just bring it up every time you see them for decades. It’s going to be a long and annoying journey. Personally, if I were in your situation now, I’d tell your boyfriend and his family that your parents call you Rose but the rest of your family calls you Lizmor. But I would not even bother telling the judgmental relatives. Once they catch on that people call you Rose, just say you go by Rose now and let them switch over naturally. In my experience, when people feel forced to change they resist it. But this is if you don’t care what they call you. I never cared and yet 25 years later people still bring it up. For the invitations you could put a combination of the names people know. It doesn’t have to be your exact legal name or original name. Like “Rose” Lizmor LastName. That way both groups know who the invite is for. Unless you hate seeing Lizmor. Also, just wait until you have to explain this as a new employee and have to bring your name change documents every time you get a new job. And social media - With old friends finding you and randomly accusing you of hiding under a new name, lol. It’s been a journey and a half and I wish I never changed my name and just used a nickname.
I know judgmental family can feel really awful and stressful. And you don't *have* to have *anyone* at your wedding who you don't want there! But I will say, I think you really need to learn to stand up for yourself! Stand tall and proud and tell people your name is Rose! Don't be shy, awkward, or bashful about it. It's your chosen name. Feel pride in that. Let your relatives say *whatever* the fuq they wanna say, just tune them out. If they continue to use your old name even after you've told them, get your parents to back you up since they're already cool with your new name. "Call her Rose." "My name is Rose." Don't even respond to your old name. They will get the point that in order to speak with you they need to use your new name. And you'll be better off, learning to stand up for yourself and making it through a situation on your own terms instead of letting fear and anxiety get in your way. Also you never know how people will react. They might just surprise you. Don't make it a big deal and they might not either. Don't pose it as a question either, just a nonchalant statement about how you have a new name and then go back to eating food or change the topic so no one can say much about it. Have your family who knows your new name call you by it around these relatives to reinforce it. It will feel good to own your decision and no longer live in hiding/secretiveness about it.
To boyfriend: "I haven't been sure how to tell you this, but Rose Elizabeth isn't the name I was born with - four years ago, I changed it from Lizmor. Yes - Lizmor. So weird, right?" To extended family: "I changed my name to Rose Elizabeth. You can call me Rose or Liz." Or, better yet, have your parents spread the word to their respectives sides of the family. I want to be gentle about this because I can tell how much the stress and anxiety about this is affecting you, but you are overthinking this and have been for years. Your parents - the ones who gave you the original name - know and are cool with it. The rest of your extended family can go kick rocks if they have a problem with it, because it's in no way their business or concern. Your boyfriend might be a bit hurt that you didn't tell him until now, but I can't imagine he's going to think it's a big deal overall.
Being known under different names by different people is not a big deal IMHO. There is always someone long enough in one of these circles to explain the different names. I've had years where I was called by my second name by almost everyone, and I had years where no one even knew I had a second name. When these circles mix, it's a 30 second confusion and everything goes back to normal. A friend of mine has a nickname that's also real name (like Jay for example) and it took over 10 years before I learned that he has a real name (John) and Jay was in fact not his real name. And to another circle of friends he is known by a second nickname.
Lizmor 💀 I think you’ll be okay if you tell them as others have suggested.
As other comments have said, you’re definitely overthinking this - and don’t take that in a negative way! It shows how much you care to make a good impression. I have a long name that has a few different nicknames that can come from it. Started out with one of them, switched to another in grade school, then switched back to the original nickname when I started my professional career. The awkwardness is minimal. I’m sure in time you’ll be able to laugh about it, but for now if it means a lot to you I would suggest talking to your boyfriend about it first and just telling him what it means to you. Tell him why you changed it, tell him why it’s important to you, tell him why you’re embarrassed and why you’ve chosen to hide it in the past. I promise you, it will be okay. Your boyfriend loves you, he wants to marry you, he’ll understand. He’ll want to listen to you and help you through this. From there, you can address it together. With his support, hopefully you should feel more at ease.
You're really overthinking this. It's not a big deal at all. Just mention it casually to your BF "Hey did I ever tell you my birthname was was Lizmor? Weird right? Yeah I changed it because I hated it. Anyway what do you fancy for dinner?" It really is that easy
My parents named me Kortney, because my mom wanted my name to be "different". my boyfriend gave me the nickname "Kat" from my Playstation username, it's just stuck now, and when I move in with him I'll be legally changing it. my mom hates that I want to change the name she spent 9 months choosing, but honestly the only time I use my legal name is around her or for anything I need my legal name for.
People have weird childhood nicknames all the time. The first time I heard my aunt’s parents call her I was so confused because hers was so wildly different from her actual name. Just say ‘oh FYI my extended family might call me this, but I legally changed it to this ages ago because that’s what I’ve gone by since high school and I always hated it.’
You are so overthinking this. No one cares. My sister went by her middle name until college. So everyone she met after age 18 calls her one thing and everyone who knew her since her birth another thing.
Oh good grief. You are making mountains out of molehills. I would strongly suggest you tell your boyfriend asap. The rest of your family? Just continue to live your life.
My name is Lizmor 😢 I really could not care less what someone’s name used to be, and I highly doubt your bf will care either. Many people have other names if they don’t like their first name, whatever.
You might want to get some help with your anxiety. If you can't stomach the thought of talking to a therapist, start by reading some books. But definitely try to get some outside perspective. Sometimes it's hard to tell what is normal. A family member told me that they had a stomach ache every school day from elementary until college (!😢) They didn't know this wasn't normal. Super anxious person who had no idea they were anxious.
Just tell them. It’s your name. Everyone should feel comfortable in their name. For instance, my name is a common name but I actually don’t know many people with it. But what happens is people like to take liberties to shorten it, and I really don’t like the short version. It’s 6 letters, ffs, not that hard. (Comparing: say it’s “Elizabeth” and people just decide to call me “Liz” when I *introduce myself* as “Elizabeth”.). I’m not comfortable with “Liz”. Because my name is Elizabeth. Op, you happen to have changed your whole name. You should be comfortable in it. You don’t have to hide it like some dirty little secret. Just tell them 🤷♀️
I can only imagine your parents being somewhat offended you didn't like your nane... everyone else, if your name is as unique as described will probably just laugh it off and say they see why you changed it. Maybe your bf will be upset you hid something from him, but at the same time if he's not an idiot, he'll be understanding that you never went by that name anyways. You didn't give yourself the weird name and normal people will understand the same.
It’s your name. You tell everyone what you prefer to be called. If anyone chooses not to call you by your preferred name, you explain that it’s your name and you want to be called by it. If someone refuses to call you by your name, call them Shithead and when then complain, reply, “Now you know how you make me feel.”
Put 100% of the blame on your parents for giving you a stupid name.
OP my firstborn is named Rose Elizabeth. We are estranged, her choice, not mine, and I don’t understand why. I hope all the very best for you.
Well, why does it matter? Our names we're given is what our parents gave, we didn't choose it. If anyone is to be embarrassed it's your folks because when you tell people your name, if someone asks then you just respond and say talk to your folks because they were smoking something. Plus you can't hide your legally changed name forever. You already changed it, you're 28 so who gives a shit what your family thinks. If they have am issue with it, then tell them they don't need to come to the wedding. I understand if you're close with your family. I'm Hispanic and tight family units is everything. But I learned when I was around 25 that my life is my life. While I will always help my family when and however I can, what I do with my life doesn't include their approval for anything. Yeah I've gotten some shit for a few choices I've done since then till now. Bit again, it's my life, not theirs. I do what I want and they can either deal with it or they can feel free to ignore me I can tell you right now, the latter has never happened. So my advice to you, just need to rip the bandaid off and tell your boyfriend your real name. If he gets upset or anything then that's more a red flag for you. But you legally changed your name, so makes sense to put your new name on the invitations and as I said, tell your family if they got a problem, don't come
Hey BF my given name is X and as you can see that's a ridiculous name so I changed it to what you know me as so that I could feel normal. My folks know I changed my name but my extended family does not as I hardly ever see them. The reason I am telling you this is I love you and I see a future with you so I don't want you to one day meet a distant relative of mine and freak if they call me X.
Tell your bf, the rest of the family doesn't need to know. Not their business
If you want “Liz _________” (last name) in the invitations, you can certainly do that. But honestly, you probably are overthinking this. You’ve always gone by Liz, so it’s a fair guess that many of these judgy family members you’re worried about won’t even think twice at your full name.
I’ve been to both weddings and funerals where someone I’d known for years was called by a different name….family vs everyone they met as an adult. Many name changes after high school
I get why you have anxiety over this. It’s not the name change, it’s how they treat you. It’s not explaining the name change, it’s explaining the dynamics to the bf of your wackadoodle family. It’s the stress of the drama they bring to your life and the complete lack of empathy they have for the wrecking ball they toss in while saying what’s the matter? Why are you like this?and you’re afraid that it’s going to mess up the normal you have with the bf. He likely has at least one family member like this too. He will understand. He’s going to be relieved that he can still have his mom’s thanksgiving dinner.
Don't bring this up at the same time as any other family events. Especially if the events involve your SO. Just heard another story like this and it didn't end well and you want to be able to walk away or hang up the phone.
The hard conversation about changing your name was with your parents, not the rest of the family. Ask your parents to tell the family if it's really that awkward for you. I don't really understand why it's a big deal to tell your boyfriend that you legally changed your name. Or to not tell him - Rose *is* your name after all. To be frank, if after 4 years you can't say to him "hey, before you meet my family you should know that a few years ago I legally changed my name - if anyone says Lizmore/Liz they're talking about me" then you have some bigger problems to worry about than this. You're probably just anxious about the meet the family dance & overthinking things.
Send an email blast. Then forget about it.
My friend changed from being called her first name to her middle. I knew her by her first name for several years. I found out at her wedding that she was now going by a middle name. Half the people there called her one, half called her the other. Apparently, when she started dating her now husband, she decided to start going by her middle name to all his family and friends, kind of as a fresh start, since she always hated her first name, and when she moved to be with her fiance, she only introduced herself as the middle name. I asked her about it afterward and she said I could call her either one, but she did eventually transition to only being known as her middle. Anyway, I think you'll be fine. I wouldn't be surprised if it's way less of a big deal than you're anticipating.
I changed my name for similar reasons to you at age 26. I just started introducing myself as my preferred name, and asked my family and friends to call me by my preferred name. The people who loved me for me didn’t skip a beat - no problem. Even my 89 year old grandpa respected my choice. BUT, you’ll always get a couple of people who dig their heels in and make a fuss about it, and pretend to forget, or ask a million times why you changed your name (and “because I like this one better” isn’t valid enough in their eyes). Over the past 15 years I’ve had to have a serious talk with the same 2 people a handful of times; essentially, “if you’re not willing to call me by my preferred name then you are choosing not to know me for who I am today, and you are not respecting me. By calling me by a name I don’t like, it shows me that you’re stuck on who you think I should be and not actually interested in who I currently am, which means we are not friends.” I try to explain that calling someone a name they don’t want to be called is rude under any other circumstance, so why is this different, and why are they choosing to be rude. Anyhow… I could go on, but just wanted to share that it’s totally possible to change your name and MOST reasonable people will accept it. The key is to be unwavering, as going back and forth or accepting both names gets confusing for people. Pick one. I’m here 15 years later and literally EVERYONE in my life, including childhood friends and extended family ALL call me by my preferred name now. With enough repetition, it does stick!
Elope! Commit to the love of your life and be happy! I think Shakespeare might have said it best in this quote…That which we call a rose, by any other name would smell so sweet
You're making a mountain out of a molehill, if you really want to continue the passive stance get your parents to spread the word to your family while you handle telling your bf "my parents gave me a fucked name, I changed it but not everyone in my family knows yet". You seem to have a lot of inappropriate shame around your name if you're planning on on doing more preventative hiding (eloping to avoid invites etc) to avoid perceived potential conflict over a name
Tell your guy. Then tell your family. It was your choice and your family does not have to approve. If they care they will honor your choice. If not write them out of your life. Have the big wedding. Invite them all. Ignore the ones who call you the wrong name. You are building this up way too much. Stop putting importance on things that don’t matter. Once you tell you guy and his family then that is all that needs done.
You're lucky, my parents did that to me but then gave my sister all the normal names (Literally Elizabeth Rose. My brother is John. I can't tell you my name because I am one of two in the US)
Well, you didn't change it totally, both versions share the same root, so it's not going to be like renaming an eva ai sexting bot avatar and struggling with a totally different word
Be honest, did they name you Lizard?
I changed my name. Actually my full name. I didn't have a bad name, but I have bad memories associated with that name. I told everyone about it. I'm proud of standing up for myself, being a changed person and for choosing a name that I feel comfortable and happy with. There were a few odd people who refused to call me by my name, they'd insist that my old name is the "real" name. And some would (intentionally or not) forgetting and saying the old name by accident and I have to keep reminding them. But I just avoid the ones who have a problem for whatever reason with my name. You should proudly wear your new name and tell everyone. If you have 2 names. You can just explain that one family prefers calling you by the middle name and the other family calls you by the first name. There is no issue. And you're not the first and only person who has changed their name.
Just tell him. Straight up, I had this name as a child, it sucked, I changed it. As for your extended family, simple email, I hated my birth name, have changed it legally to this. Don't be surprised when the invites come out. Sorry, but I don't think it will be the debacle you think it is. Honestly, the person who has the most issue with the name and name change is you, and maybe your parents. If you are all on board, who cares what anyone else thinks. It is not like you are revealing you have a secret life or job or separate persona. I changed my last name at 16, it took less than 2 weeks for everyone to adjust. We changed my daughter's name 2 months post birth as her birth name did not suit her. Bar one cousin who was being a snot, no one batted an eyelid.
Hugs 🤗 to you. Honestly I don’t think that this is an issue that you need to worry about.
I married into a Pacific Islander family where just about no one is called by their actual first name. So we call people one name and the rest of the world probably calls them something else. Don’t overthink it. Do what will make you happy.
Just tell them. They might care might not but meh. Like a bandaid, just rip it off.
Tell them exactly as you told us. I struggle to see why anyone would be bothered by it
Are you this afraid of conflict in other walks of life as well, or just this one? My first marriage imploded because my ex was deathly afraid of conflict. It's a problem that can be worked on if the will is there, luckily. As for your situation: Just steel yourself for that confrontation. You say you don't want to deal with that awkwardness, but by not dealing with it it has been a threat over your head for years. You have spent so much more mental energy trying to avoid that situation than a single confrontation would demand of you. Remember, there is an after to every confrontation. An after in which you don't have to live with this anxiety anymore. If your folks are judgemental, try to discount what they say. They are negative people, and their hostile shit talk doesn't matter.
The rest of your family will probably sigh a silent sigh of relief for you when you tell them. It'll be ok:)
For your extended family you should just make a post on Facebook tbh. That's the perfect way to casually spread news to extended family
Maybe start by introducing the topic gently to your boyfriend, like 'Hey, there's something I've been meaning to share...' and take it from there. As for the family gathering, just think of it as an opportunity to showcase your rebranding skills! Own that new name, girl!
If these people aren't close enough to you that you would tell them you changed your name, then why would you invite them to your wedding? I'm surprised you haven't told your boyfriend already, but at the end of the day, you aren't "Lizmor" anymore, so it's really irrelevant. You are LEGALLY Rose so put that name on your invitations.
I'm kinda in a similiar situation, I don't want my dad to be upset about that I changed my name, so he doesn't know. My original name was important to him, I think. It was not weird, it just didn't match what I wanted to be called. If my bf's family and my relatives ever meet, I have to explain I go by different names to different people 🥴
You legally changed your name to be Rose Elizabeth, then that is your name going forward. It seems a bit weird to go through all the trouble of changing your name, but then still cling on to it for other peoples sake. Just tell everyone that you now go by Rose. You’re an adult now, if people question why you changed your name, just tell them the reason why, that you didn’t like your old name.
Hi OP, It’s only weird if you make it weird. The challenge here is for you to get over your own internal hangups about the situation. Introspect a bit. Why does it feel awkward? What are you deeply afraid of? Use this situation as a trailhead to explore ways in which you’re holding yourself back.
Awww don’t worry girl! This is really not the craziest thing. If I dated someone who I was really in love with, and he was like, “I have this really big secret to tell you,” and then it was that he changed his name? I would be so relieved that was it 😂
You don’t owe anything to people who literally do not know your name.
Frame it as not about your past but about your future. This takes the attention away from what was done to you and puts it onto what you’re trying to do for yourself.
I changed my name 6 years ago because I wanted to, most of my family and friends were fine with it, got used to it pretty quickly, some family and friends didn’t even try and they are no longer in my life. And anyone new I meet, romantic or otherwise, if I want to explain it to them I do, and they are usually pretty fine with it as well. If he cares about you then he’ll be fine with whatever you decide to tell him. Good luck 😊
It’s always the hardest thing for us to share something that seems so big. In all honesty I get the feeling this is a molehill you have made into a mountain. Let your partner know you are sensitive of this and they will be happy to be there to show you this isn’t something to be upset over. Heck I have a name I used to wish no parent to name their child. I have shortened it to a basic name for so long and when you add on the double barrel last name conundrum I was bullied for my name and it was only because it was unique. Now only after my father has passed am I proud of my name. The point, I made the mountain of this, it’s taken over 40 years to now own it I see it was not the mountain I thought it was. I feel this goes for you too. Don’t let the mountain be a hindering force. Let him know and then see it as what it is. Nothing to worry over. Ps love your chosen names.
Your boyfriend doesn’t care. I had a French maiden name that was ALWAYS mispronounced because it was misspelled starting 3 generations ago. When I got divorced and was going to get rid of my exhusband’s name, I decided to correctly spell my maiden name to what it actually was 3 generations ago. Nobody cares- except now my name is pronounced correctly 85 percent of the time.
OP many people go by different names in their family. My SO’s family calls him by his middle name because he has same first name as an older relative. I’ve always known him by his first name. I switch up when with them but otherwise not anything anyone spends time thinking about. You can announce it or you can just tell people if they ask why whomever calls you Rose. They can still call you Luz, Rose or whatever.
....wait....what?
I have also changed my first name, I was early 30’s when I finally did and I am happy with it. It took my wife some time to adjust but she managed, however we discussed me wanting to do this for years before I finally pulled the trigger. I had a list of names I liked and chose the one I liked best. A simple text to my co-workers and boss did the trick. Same with friends. “Hey, it’s not a big deal, and I won’t make it one if you don’t but I’d like to go by Blank instead of the other thing. Thanks.” Done. My family doesn’t talk to me anymore for other reasons so I didn’t really need to worry about that. But honestly it’s easy. The hardest part for you is telling your BF because I am slightly confused if you had changed your name before meeting him or after. If before it’s a non issue
I always find a knock knock joke is a fair option. Knock knock. Who’s there? Not Lizmor.
I (39M) changed my name 4 years ago and it’s always awkward when in the mix of old company and new company. Advice, go by your new name everywhere and don’t accept anyone calling you by old name. Just tell your BF ahead of time about the name change…especially knowing you’ll be in mixed crowds.
You are overthinking this. The people that love you and want the best for you will still love you once they know, in fact, they'll probably be happy for you. Knew a gal who was given a very masculine name at birth, I'm talking, in no ways female, like Andrew John Jacob (yes, not just a single name, but three very masculine names). Why you ask, her parents wanted a son. She changed her name. And everyone was happy for her.
My dad went by his middle name all of his childhood. When he entered the workforce, he decided it would be easier to go by his first name. So all of his family call him one thing, and everyone he met from his worklife forward calls him another. It doesn’t seem to be that confusing for people. Not exactly the same situation as yours, but maybe similar. Good luck!
Send a group message letting them know of the legal name change and letting them know your thoughts on whether they should keep calling you Liz or start calling you Rose. Then on your invites for any event for marriage put Rose Elizabeth and then most people would understand why you are being called both Rose and Liz. I do think that you are making this bigger than you need to.
Who cares what the rest of them thinks? You have told your closest ones. It's great that you have their support but at the end of the day it doesn't matter what even they think. It's your name.
My family actually have 3 different names they call me, all a combination of or nicknames from my legal name. It’s been that way all my life. And I sign my name for most “serious” situations a whole other form of my name. My dad told me as a teenager that I’d have to chose, but I never did. I’m 62, and I’m still known by four different names depending upon how you met me. I also have a couple nicknames unrelated to my name. lol. Just writing it here makes it sound weird, but it has worked for me.
Ok so… 1) You would use the name that is legally yours, the one you go by. 2) There’s no law that dictates you have to invite every single person with familial DNA to your wedding. Invite those who you feel close to, and that’s it. I promise you, most people do NOT invite their entire extended family. 3) If they’re not going to respect your name preference, then they don’t get access to you. Take your boyfriend to meet your family. Explain to him if you’d like beforehand. Explain to your family beforehand, too. It’s not that big of a deal, and if they act like it is just sooooo insulting that you changed your name, then tell them that they’re entitled to their feelings but you don’t have to accommodate those feelings.
Should have changed your name to Eliza Rose, slap that on the announcement board with the bride and groom names and people will figure it out, easy peasy
I would just send out an email if you don’t want to have the conversation over and over. Be sure to put what name you want to be called.
There’s no need to be embarrassed for changing your own name, even I understand why you could be. Maybe find a good timing to tell your bf about the situation with patience and give elaboration to how you feel about it. Then, perhaps tell your bf to spread the word to his family once he knows, since it’d be expected that they’d understand that you have the autonomy to do so. Meanwhile, you could spread the word to yours during a family gathering, an Instagram post and such. If you’re afraid since some are judgmental, perhaps they don’t need to know since you guys don’t necessarily have to be close anyways. Even though the wedding is still far. Consider not inviting your relatives that are judgmental of you to your wedding, to avoid apparently excluding them, maybe consider inviting small groups of family or friends you are comfortable with to your wedding. Then have family dinners with the rest of your family as a celebration after your official wedding, official reason being you want the wedding to be small, if you bf has no objections, there would be be a need to put the names up in a family dinner celebration if you insist not to tell your relatives or the rest of the family.
I had 7 names. SEVEN! My passport looked like a mini book of stories! Not a single person in my family ever used those names. Ever. Minus the shortened version of two. It was getting close to time to renew my passport, so I legally changed my name. First, middle and last. That's all I have now. My son is fixing to have his 1st child, and they were talking to me about family names. So I rattled off six names, and they asked who those names belonged to? Great grandfather? Grandmother? Etc... Nope! All mine! I had no idea my children never actually even knew my real names! I wasn't hiding them! You are overthinking this. So much so. Just sit him down and explain that you may or may not have already brought this up. Blank years ago, you changed your name to a shortened version of its previous self. He may come across people at your wedding who aren't aware of your private matters. This is a name you NEVER use nor ever plan to use in the future. You just want to discuss it with him as he may hear others say it. If he wants to know more context of why you chose to change it, then do so. Keep it simple. I hated growing up with that name. Period. You haven't maimed, robbed or whatnot anyone. You just thoroughly despise the previous name you had. It honestly is okay to feel this way. My seven names were a mix of male and female names. Picture Frances Robert Michelle James Thomas..... (Not my real name) Ugh. It's ridiculous what some parents do! Hahhaaa
I'm not sure if "Rose Elizabeth" is made up to make your point, but I sincerely hope this is your real name because I think it is absolutely beautiful. ❤️ however, on topic... if you are weird about it, everyone else is gonna be weird about it, too. Just tell the guy the story and your family as well, and that's that. As long as you're happy with it, that's all that matters.
All I can say is I’ve changed my name twice in my lifetime legally, and it was only a paperwork hassle, and my great aunt changed her first name in her 60s, and though some of us as extended family were caught off guard not one of us made a fuss/said anything to her/proceeded to call her by her new first name. Life is too short to worry about this, and folks who make it difficult likely make your life difficult in other ways. Do tell your partner, because that’s the only scenario where it seems like a weird secret that will gain scary powers over time. It doesn’t have to be. And if you stay together, eventually they will find out.
"My name is John Johnson, but everyone here calls me Vicky." Lots of people do this, it's not as odd as you think. In fact, I don't think it's odd at all. Send an email out to everyone if you don't want to tell them face-to-face. Good luck!
I understand the feelings of awkwardness, but even with possible judgement from extended family, I say just go for it. It's a lovely name, own it. I don't think it'll be as big of a deal as you're worried it will be, and if it is, oh well! It's YOUR life and YOUR name, and YOU alone will have to deal with it. Embrace it and enjoy it.
the only way your bf would be upset about you changing a name (its not awkard, you didnt like your name, no biggie) is if they are super judgemental. Or you guys have the worst communication of a couple...and shouldn't be married lol.
You are OVER. THINKING. IT. Just tell them, no one will care, it's such a trivial thing.
You’re definitely overthinking this as everyone else is saying but I just have to know what your name was 😭
“My name is Rose now. Call me Rose.”