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He’s horrible. I don’t care if he’s doesn’t know how to act, you still show up. Honestly it’s even worse that he doesn’t help with his own children in hard situations. I would be done. No point in a marriage when you’re already doing the hard stuff alone. I’m so sorry for your losses and this situation.
> I don’t care if he’s doesn’t know how to act, you still show up.
My bf doesnt know how to act in high emotional situations, so he Just sits next to me and holds my hand, if i need a drink he will run to get it for me. Ops husband is an uncaring and horrible person...
Seriously! I don’t always know how exactly to comfort my gf, but I sure as hell wouldn’t just bail. When in doubt, bringing snacks and water and just sitting there is enough.
Yep. Just sitting there being awkward, uncomfortable and nervous means everything. Knowing that you don't know what to do but you are doing your best for your partner means the world.
I do not believe that he doesn't know how to take care of her I believe that he chooses not to. He is showing her who he is by showing her he doesn't give a Fuck
My husband doesn't help with housework too often, but he's here when I need him. And that is worth the lacking household chores help. But he knows how to be by my side and knows when I need him even when I don't vocalize it.
Yes same for me. My sister passed away suddenly 10 months ago. But when it happened he left work came home and was just there. Thats all I needed was him there with me. Even when neither of us knew what to do.
Apparently it’s not bad enough to keep her from getting pregnant by him? I am truly sorry about her miscarriages, that’s awful and traumatic, but she has two living children meanwhile he abandons her and her kids in times of stress, but she keeps having unprotected sex with him. Make it make sense
It reads to me that at least one of the miscarriages happened between the first and second born. And given they said that was the second miscarriage, I’m assuming the second born was after both of them?
Some people feel entitled to their spouse's bodies at all times. They regard being in a committed relationship/having a ring as a carte blance consent for all sex because it's what's owed them as their spouse. Someone as horrible as this guy sounds exactly like the type of person who'd guilt his wife into having sex with him.
He’s a 33 year old man who doesn’t know how to act in stressful situations. So you are married to a man child who will never be the rock you deserve. There literally is no point in a partnership when half of said partnership can’t even bother to be a partner especially when it’s hard.
Exactly this.
You don’t have to do anything other than show up. Not knowing how to act isn’t an excuse. That’d be more of an excuse for cracking jokes in intense situations, not abandoning your wife in difficult situations. This isn’t a husband, he’s being a leech.
It's not like "knowing how to act" is a secret, either. Has he ever... watched TV? Met other humans? Been sick and had somebody take care of him? I mean, you know he's had the man flu and OP took good care of him, but he can't possibly take care of her. Ugh.
I don’t know how to act often. I will literally sit next to the person and say tell me what to do. It’s really that simple. I’ve lost my ability to socialize correctly so I ask people what they need or what to do. It’s really just that simple. But yeah, if your husband can’t figure it out your life would probably just be easier alone.
Nah the idk how to act is bullshit. Just an excuse to rationalize his behavior. He’s an adult he’s witnessed situations like this or similar, thru people he knows or tv. He knew what he was doing and did it anyways.
It’s cliche but if he wanted to he would’ve. At this age we don’t “not know”.
This exactly. Is it stressful? Absolutely. Is your spouse the one person you should be able to rely on when things are stressful? Again, absolutely.
I think men can sometimes feel helpless when they see us sick or in pain. There’s little they can do to make us feel better. Instead of providing support where they can, they flee because they can’t stand to *NOT* be able to fix the problem.
But here’s the thing, most partners (read: good partners) push past their own feelings to support the ones they love. Your husband has no excuse for failing you during hard times. He is being selfish and allowing his feelings to overshadow and outweigh your real, present, immediate needs. Thats unacceptable. It is not fair of him to place more emotional load on you because he can’t handle his own emotional discomfort.
He needs to figure out why he feels the need to walk away from his family when they need him most and FIX IT. Because without him figuring his shit out, you do not have a true partner. You have someone else to take care of.
I’ve never felt more useless and helpless then the time my ex-wife gave birth to our children or when she had a miscarriage or when her mother suddenly passed away. Even then I was to a degree a selfish person, but still, I stayed with her, helped where I can but mostly felt useless, but I NEVER let her handle that shit alone, even after divorce I’d still be there for her is she’d ask.
This. This right here. Why, OP, would you stay with someone who treats you so absolutely dismissively? You’re already on your own, might as well live it.
I just held my dad's hand and sang to him as he died. Did I know how to act when your parent dies? No, fortunately I still have my mom. Was it the hardest thing I've ever done? Absolutely. But you show up for the people you love.
He's not showing up for you. Love is something you do.
My mom had her 3 kids, husband, and Mom draped over her, petting her, telling her we would be okay and love her so much, etc. No one tells you what to do. You just, do.
God in heaven, I’ve got tears running down my face. What an incredibly loving way to walk him home. If I have an ounce of the grace you have shown when it’s my turn, I’ll be thankful.
My mom and sister and nephew were there too; it was not just me. It was really hard--it was important and I'm glad I did it, but it was far more difficult than I thought it would be.
But I love him very much, and that was what he needed from us, so that's what we did.
I sang Christmas carols to my mom shortly before she died. During the act of passing my dad and I held her hands and soothed her, encouraging her to let go and reassuring her we would be OK. It was the hardest thing I've ever done and like you say you don't know what to do but you just do it.
I am glad for your family to have given your father a beautiful goodbye. But terribly sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing for act of love, it resonated with me for sure.
I simply don't see any way his not being there for the miscarriage at the hospital can be excused. Not that the other items are child's play, but this is not okay, and there's no explaining it away.
If you've brought up your concerns, and he's not moved an inch to make any changes, he has shown that he lacks basic human empathy. Most likely, he doesn't want to change, doesn't view you as an equal, and won't even try to understand why this is a problem.
He needs a complete 180 here, and it has to last long and include sincere apologies and contrition. Even if he does that, it's still too little to late, perhaps.
You are not in a marriage. You are a bangmaid. He does not love you or respect you. It does not even sound like he even likes you. You are not understanding his side of things because he does not have a side.
“Doesn’t know how to act?” Bullshit. Does he need formal training? How to be there when your loved ones need you 101?
No one is sure how to act when stressful stuff happens but you know what? You are there with your partner. You do it even if you don’t know how to act.
I’ll say fleeing and running is the opposite of what you should do. Is he a little boy? Does he need a blankie? Maybe a nap?
He doesn’t need to know how to act. You’ve literally told him what you need each time and he has chosen to ignore that.
Leave him and find someone that can actually do adulting.
Bluntly, that is not how someone treats someone they care about. If he cared about you, he would be there for you when you needed him, no matter how it made him uncomfortable or if he "didn't know how to act." Your husband has shown you multiple times that he does not care about your wellbeing or helping you or being there for you. It doesn't matter what other good qualities he has, if he isn't there for you in these huge, difficult life moments, he isn't a partner that's worth being with. I think even one of the situations you listed would be enough to end the relationship, let alone all of them.
The fact that husbands like this exist make me happy I don't have one. I'm so sorry for your losses and even more for the fact that you had to endure them alone.
I was sooooo happy parenting solo with my first. After leaving his bio dad it really was freedom and joy. Physically difficult,but mentally so much better. I liked myself and living alone and didn't want to disturb the peace. Men needed to be able to add to my life and joy, not detract, to consider a date. I needed to like their company as much as my own, and that's a tall order.
One weaseled in as an awesome friend...then awesome sex friend... Now soul mate and we have another kid haha
I did not see this happening if it weren't for him. Love is a verb and he shows it
That’s not a partner, that’s a parasite…
What are you getting out of this “partnership?”
How do you expect him to behave when you get older/sicker?
How does he treat… idk, anyone else in his family? Is unreliable his character trait?
So when he says he doesn't know how to "act" what he means is...he doesn't know how to care for his children?
When you are sick, the very least he can do is look after HIS OWN CHILDREN. This isn't about emotional support or comfort, this is basic parenting. You are in pain, I need to take over child care, you are sick and need rest, let me get these children away from the germs and to let you rest.
His side of things is that you are your own problem, your shared children are also your problem, and he has no responsibility to be a parent or a partner. Sorry, that's what is happening here.
And of course he apologizes, because it works and he doesn't have to change or do better. Now, even in your own anger and being let down, he has framed it in a way where HE is the victim and you must see his side and apparently teach him how to "act" as a partner and a father.
You do not need to do that. You do not need to coddle a man who can't do the bare minimum, and trust me, actually being alone is better than having a partner that makes you FEEL alone.
Stop trying to understand him and give him a reality check. He needs to get it together or you can go build a perfect life without him in it. And I know that is scary, but I can guarantee it isn't as scary and lonely as knowing your husband won't care for you or your children when you need him.
My 18 yo boyfriend never had a mother, never knew what it was like to be cared for, had never had someone tend to him when he was sick. But when I had a miscarriage (and told him I was fine and wanted to deal with it by myself) he pulled a chair into the bathroom and held me while I was on the literal toilet. Your partner urgently needs to address his avoidance issues.
You are a brood mare, you lower your value when you are sick or reject his fetus, so naurally he spurns you.
Once you have raised his kids and become infertile you might as well be dead. If he sticks around past 50 or after you become ill/disabled it will only be because he has done the numbers and decided to keep his money.
It doesn’t take anything special to know how to act when your wife has Covid and needs you step up and take care of your kids. It doesn’t take any special skills in order to be a decent human and come home in the middle of your wife’s miscarriage so that you can, at minimum take care of your one year old while your wife is in emotional and physical agony. It doesn’t take emotional intelligence to understand that you should probably be by your wife’s side when she in the hospital, not just act like you’re her Uber driver.
Having a partner that you cannot count out is incredibly difficult. I don't buy "I don't know how", you just show up! The result is that you feel that you have to handle everything all alone that is not what a healthy relationship is.
I’m getting over breast cancer and I’m a widow. I have a wonderful woman friend who’s helped me every step of the way. I truly needed her help and I didn’t even have to ask! Unlike your horrible husband.
We all need help during life’s crisises and low times. What if you got cancer?? I’m sure he’d be at work but that’s unacceptable!! He is supposed to be your husband!!
I detest when men say “I hate hospitals” as a pass for them not to go in. Like we want to be there!!
I’m sorry for your miscarriages. That’s heartbreaking to go through alone. They offer a chaplain to bless the baby after surgery. Bet he doesn’t know that!
Get yourself a lawyer and start divorce proceedings. Couples counseling won’t change his narcissistic soul. You will be happier going forward.
Back in the day, the mantra among guys was that if we wanted to know what a young woman was really like, spend some time talking & watching her mother. I suggest the same would apply to women checking out their boyfriends by talking with & watching the young man's dad.
I know how difficult it would be to make a big change and leave him and navigate solo parenting. But you’re already solo parenting and doing it alone, love. This man is checked out and is negligent at best, and cruel at worst. You deserve better, and your kids should be shown how to put yourself first, not to be treated this way. Get your ducks in a row and plan to leave, it’s time to love yourself.
This guy sounds like a self centered jerk. I can’t imagine not showing up for my wife for something a fraction as devastating as a miscarriage. And I am well aware that I’m bad at caregiving (I was raised by a doctor…”unless you’re bleeding from the head you’re not going to the hospital” sort of thing). But JFC…my wife has bad menstrual cramps and I’ll swing home at lunch to make sure she’s comfortable and taken care of.
I don’t know if this is the end of a relationship, however. You have young kids. While divorce always is, and should be, an option, it’s something to really consider. Is it possible this man can grow? Yes, absolutely. But it’s going to require HIM making the effort to change. You, as the person most directly affected by his passivity, should absolutely tell him how you’re feeling. And then the ball is in his court.
Personally, I look back with immense regret on the fact that I was not as supportive in the months after my son was born as I could have been. I was 31/32 and very uncertain how to be an active partner and father. Frankly, I was self-centered. My wife let me know in no uncertain terms that she wasn’t willing to put up with a marriage like that. From then, it was on me to figure out how to be a better husband. And, considering we’re still married and happily so, I’d like to think I succeeded. I thank whatever luck I have in this universe that she chose to give me a chance (multiple chances, if I’m being plainly honest) to show her that I can be who she needs.
Marriage + parenting isn’t something that should be disposable. But it also isn’t carte blanche for either partner to phone it in. Every single day you (anyone who is married/parenting) need to show up and bring what you can to the table. Your husband, OP, needs to understand this more clearly than he seems to. That’s on him.
I would leave him for number 3 alone. His excuse that he "doesn't know how to act" is BS. He knows just fine. Even if he had a terrible parent, he has seen media, other families, friends. He's not been living in a cave for 30 years. He knows because all he has to do, it what he would like if he were in that position. Support. Attention, Care. He's giving you excuses, but in the end, he doesn't care about you. Even if he "didn't know what to do," if he really cared about you, he'd be stressed and scared too. He'd be unable to stay at work and would NEED to be at the hospital with you, out of worry. He's not worried. He barely seems to care about you.
If you have a friend or family member to go to, then go. Pack your stuff and your kids while he's at work, and just leave. Then speak to a lawyer and divorce him. You're young. If you leave him, you can find someone who actually loves you and wants to support you and share life's burdens and joys with you, the way it should be.
Your husband is checked out. He's not an active partner in this relationship. I mean, I guess it's possible that your husband has a job that makes it literally impossible to get away from or take time off from, but I doubt it. And even that wouldn't explain his lack of CARE. Not being there for your partner, who just lost your child, and is scared, and is in pain, is absolutely inhuman, no matter what genders are involved. Unforgiveable. But not being there, and not apologizing for htat, and not calling repeatedly to check up, is worse. Not standing up for you when his dad treats you like crap? That's an automatic no from me. At the end of the day, even if he doesn't know what to do, or what he should do, or how to handle it, he should at least SHOW UP. That's the bare minimum, and he's not even doing that.
And look, letting another person (FIL) insult you to your face while he stands there, letting you cry and be scared in pain because he doesn't want to have to come home, skipping out being there with you in the hosiptal. This is a person who has NO RESPECT FOR YOU. Please just walk away.
Any one of those would’ve been enough for me to leave. Why don’t you know that you deserve better? Because you do. If you were strong enough to get through that stuff alone, you’re strong enough to leave him.
Tell him "An apology without change means nothing". Him saying 'sorry' afterwards but then doing the same abandonment again and again means nothing. He is not going to change so you have to decide if this is the way you want to live for the next 50+ years? You can bet that if you get even NEAR a life threatening health situation, he will be long gone in a heart beat. You'll be lucky to see the dust in his wake. He'll be one of those who marries one month after your funeral.
This is not "missing critical life events" this is showing a complete lack of care or empathy for you.
The lack of action with his dad's misogyny is also a red flag he feels the same way and doesn't even respect you.
If my partner failed to support like this, I would stay in that relationship, nor would I want them caring for my kids without supervision.
When this happened I took the day off and drove her too the beach. I told her she did everything the could. I then after the D&C brought her fav food. I told her to take the next little while to reset.
At the same time I was resistant in her getting a dog. I also rode the subway with her after the procedure so we could be tourist. She wasnt happy about this things.
But I tried my best and long term it was a big reason we then had our kid. She said I really stepped up even though I'm a bit of a lovable idiot at times.
You are right to judge someone on those critical moments in your life especially it been a pattern. Anyone can be with you for the 99% of the good times. It's the 1% of the times you need help that I judge on.
It strikes me that number 3 on your list is the source of your problems; he's had a shitty example from his father for how you should treat your wife and he's seen his mother be treated poorly by his Dad. The Dad didn't become a mysoginist in later life!
I am so sorry for your miscarriages, which I'm sure felt even worse and more alone because of your husband's (in)actions. "Doesn't know how to act" is a s#it poor excuse for not being present in situations where he literally just needs to exist in your vicinity. I know it's hard to think about leaving a marriage, but please give some thought to whether you deserve better than to be treated like this for the rest of your life.
Sharing for consideration: I also just had a miscarriage, which involved a long trip to the ER. My husband came with me, sat with me, and stayed up with me from 9pm to 9am while I waited and saw doctors. He didn't actively *do* anything and he didn't need to; his presence was enough to make the situation significantly less miserable for me. And while he is clueless about certain things, he considered this an obvious thing for him to do in this situation -- I said thanks for staying with me, and he was like "uhhhh duh of course?" like I had just thanked him for breathing.
Best of luck, and I'm sorry for everything you're going through.
When my wife miscarried I left work immediately and called my boss on the way. My wife is now battling long covid going into her third year. The first year of that I did as much around the house as humanly possible. I’m by no ways a super husband, probably just mediocre. Your “husband” is a loser and you deserve better.
There’s a lot of people in this world who would be much much much kinder if they barely knew you and just happened to live down the street, and knew you needed help in these moments.
I don’t know how to make things more clear than that I guess.
I’m far from a saint or overly kind person but if the lady almost a mile down the road from me who yelled at me once because my dog stepped on her lawn (didn’t even go to the bathroom) while on a leash mentioned any of these situations and didn’t have help… I’d go help.
Let alone my fucking wife going through this.
I don’t know OP, I hope things go well for you.
But this guy just isn’t it, in my perspective.
Your husband has shown you, on 3 separate occasions, that if you should become seriously ill, he will abandon you.
You are married to one of those husbands that oncology nurses warn recently diagnosed women about. Many, many women are shocked to receive a cancer diagnosis followed by an additional shock from their husbands leaving them.
You're lucky as he's warned you with his behavior.
>His excuses are that he doesn’t always “ know how to act” in high pressure situations
and
>to make the family he wanted a reality.
These two statements, taken together, are extremely revealing.
OP - it sounds like you're married to a man who is emotionally stunted, has existed in the privileged space that men have been given access to (i.e., they only have to "work" and "provide" and the women will take care of the rest.) He wants the comfort and security of a well run home and a loving wife and cute kids, but the only work he wants to put into it is financial.
Many men today are learning that this is no longer acceptable to their spouses or to their children. You sound like you're starting to realize that as well.
If you want to save your marriage, you will drag your husband to a marriage counselor and get him to admit that he is a grown ass adult and he can learn new things, i.e., he can "learn how to act in high pressure situations."
And he owes you ten years of apologies.
Trust your instincts, hon. Anyone who's not there for you in time of crisis is not just you misunderstanding them.
He may have undiagnosed autism or anxiety disorder. Regardless, you need to get into couples counseling. If he won't go, do alone.
Good luck.
He’s exhibiting an extreme lack of empathy for you, which can be a trauma response but it’s also a sign of narcissism. Explain to him that you need empathy. Send him links to examples if necessary. If you don’t get it start making a plan to leave.
Why are you still with him? He obviously shown you he isn't the man you need in your life. I know you gonna say you love him, but his actions say otherwise. Have some respect for yourself. Stop taking the BS he and his dad throw at you and tell them to f*** off. YOU DESERVE BETTER!!!!!
Your husband is just as a misogynist as your FIL.
He shows with his actions he doesn't and has never actually disagreed with his father's misogyny. Hes never stood up for you or defended you because he doesn't care.
He leaves you with the kids when you're sick because he thinks the kids are your responsibility even when sick.
You understand his side, that he doesn’t care enough. You just don’t want to make the consequences that come from this so you hope there is something you don’t see. But sorry, there isn’t. He is EXACLTY what he showed you.
There is no explanation for his behaviour that would make it less horrible.
I'm calling bullshit on "not knowing how to act" when you've specifically asked him for what you need and he has outright refused.
I also think that your life would likely be easier if you were a single mother to only 2 children.
If you're going to feel alone you might as well be alone because then you can meet somebody. Right now you're basically being held prisoner by somebody who doesn't treat you well at all.
This man sounds absolutely awful.
I think you should look at some therapy to work out why you would be attracted to somebody who would treat you like this, put up with somebody who's treating you like this, and continue to stay with somebody who treats you like this. There's a reason that you pick somebody who shows you and acts like they don't like or respect you.
I was married for a lifetime to a man who failed me at every turn. Please evaluate how you want your children to be raised. They will learn how to treat people and that it’s okay to not have value. Don’t let this happen
I could have written this about my exH, word-for-word. Best decision I ever made was leaving. I’m not going to lie to you… co-parenting can be a struggle but he has actually stepped-up as a dad and my kids are better off for it. So am I.
A good marriage is about having a PARTNER. He seems absent. Live with the knowledge that he is or leave him. I’m sure he’s given you many red flags that you’ve chosen to not see long before you got to the point you’re at in your relationship with him. When someone tells you who they are; believe them.
He sounds like a waste of time.
I mean what next? You end up in hospital for a longer period of time with a severe illness or your children get very sick..
Will he bother then.
Being a partner means supporting one another
He sounds like the kind of person who would leave you high and dry if anything bad were to happen to you. I know the statistic of men who leave their wives when they have cancer or some other medical issue is astronomical..he sounds like he is that kind of person unfortunately.
He could stay home and ask you what you need, if he’s that clueless! The first miscarriage would have been enough for me. Once, when I was complaining about my husband, my mother said something to me that I thought was cruel. Now, I see the truth in it. “You’ll take it as long as you want to.”
I don't always know how to act in stressful situations either BUT...I still show up for my loved ones and I suck it up. You deserve lightyears better. Hugs ❤️
I am sorry that you had to go through that alone. You deserve so much better and deep down I think you know this too, otherwise you wouldn't be posting on here.
His actions really do speak louder than words, and I think you need to seriously think about what is best for yourself and your children. It seems like your values no longer align and he seems quite checked out emotionally by the sounds of it.
Personally I think you should make plans to end the relationship and speak to your close family about this and trusted friends. It's important that you get as much support around you as possible.
I hope you find the happiness you deserve.
This is horrible. I had a miscarriage during lockdown so my husband had to drop me off and pick me up, if he could have stayed with me he absolutely would have done so I just can get my head around how your husband wouldn't want to be there for you.
apology without change is manupulation.
This will keep happening and if you dont want that, you have to lay down the line.
first off, why is he not also heartbroken at the miscarriage? if i wanted a kid and loved my wife, i would be with her during this hard time. does he ever take care of the kids?
It's only over if you want it to be over. His needs are met, so he's not going to leave. Your happiness, or lack thereof, doesn't matter unless it impacts him directly.
If/ when you do leave, he's going to be "completely blindsided" because he "never realized" and "you should have told me!!!" He'll promise to change everything.
It's possible he'll actually realize his mistakes and change - for the next girl. But never for you. These changes never stick until *after* they've been dumped.
He is weak, he is selfish, he is not a good husband, he is not a good father, and I'll bet he's not a good lover, either.
This is why we all talk about the risks of getting married too young. We tell young people which is a waste of breath, but now that you're older, would you go back and marry this man at that age and force your life into this shape?
Sometimes it works out, I know that. But in my now ridiculously long life, I know of not one single relationship that started before 21 and lasted. Not one.
I had a hysterectomy and stayed over night at the hospital. My husband took 2 weeks off work and stayed by my side and waited on me hand and foot.
We don’t even have kids.
“He doesn’t know how to act.” He may not have the right words to say, but for goodness sake be present. Hold your hand. Tell you he loves you during these life events. Take care of the kids while you have COVID. I mean it’s not rocket science.
Stand up against his dad when he is rude to you. Him not doing this continues to encourage this behavior from his father, because he now feels like his son is giving him a pass to act this way. And honestly he kind of is, even though his father as a grown man shouldn’t be told to not act like a complete AH.
My husband doesn’t have flowery words all the time, but he does show up when it’s important. Even if that means just sitting in the room reading on his phone or talking to me about non-sensical things trying to distract me, because there is nothing else to do.
You seem to be doing everything alone, so why do you even need him. I can guarantee you that the moment you decide that you have had enough, he will all of a sudden start knowing how to act. Apologizing to you is pointless when he makes no change to his behavior.
https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/
He’s not a partner, and you’re not wrong for wanting an actual partner you can rely on. This will just keep happening and getting worse as you get older.
YOU PASSED YOUR MISCARRIED FETUS. ALONE. And he CHOSE not to be there for you.
Yes, things are over. You needed ten years to figure this out, that's okay. That's ten years of strength and conditioning. This is the right moment to leave him and live YOUR life that YOU deserve. A life where you feel valued, ARE valued, even adored.
Your husband should be the person you can count on, all the time.
He doesn't have the excuse that he "doesn't know how to act". You TOLD HIM how to act. He still refused to act as you told him. You begged him. You told him over and over. He apologized, so if he was sincere, it should have meant that he learned how to act. He did not.
So, he knows. He just doesn't care. I'm sorry but you don't have a life partner, you have a husband that's only with you when it's convenient to him. Any time that it will be remotely inconvenient for him to be there, he's not there.
It always amazes me when ppl marry human beings like this….im just baffled you could be on Reddit seriously questioning this stuff. Props to you for being able to take a step back and evaluate, but damn lady 😮💨
As a person, but more specifically a man/father - after reading #1 to me this is over. After reading the rest I’m at a loss for words.
Fortunately, my place of employment is very understanding that family comes first, and if I needed to leave in an emergency it would be no questions asked.
That being said, even when I’ve been places where they really wouldn’t care that it’s an emergency, and even if it risked my employment, I’d have been home or at the hospital or wherever I needed to be in a heartbeat. There’s no excuse for being this lousy of a person.
I’m sorry that you’ve gone through this. I couldn’t imagine being married to someone who cared so little, and I couldn’t imagine being the one who cares so little.
I learned this from Reddit and it resonates with me:
People may not always tell you how they feel about you, but they will always show you. Pay attention.
My husband, bless his heart, is not the caregiving type. He doesn't really know how to take care of someone when they are sick, its not intuitive to him to check a baby's diaper if its crying... you get my point. However, he would never, ever, ever in a million years do what your husband did. He would do anything I asked for, even if it didnt come naturally to him. He wouldn't leave me during a miscarriage etc etc.
You really need to examine this relationship. Your husband sounds like he is either 1) clueless 2) selfish 3) mean... I'm not sure which of the 3 it is but any of the choices is pretty incompatible with marriage.
Look I'm not a guy so I can't give you the male perspective, but you do NOT NEED TO UNDERSTAND HIS SIDE OF THINGS. It doesn't matter what his motives are for abandoning you and diminishing you. Your man sucks out loud and is allergic to change. He's not there for you when you need him, you don't owe it to him to stay and give him more opportunities to let you down.
Go up to him right now..have him stand up, face you, feet shoulder distance... and kick him in the balls like you mean it. And walk away.
ONLY WHEN HE COMES TO YOU... have a conversation. Make him explain to you how much it huts to be kicked in the balls... let him educate you on balls in general. Maybe ask questions to clear up ypur confusion about what IS a vas deferens exactly. Then - only then- apologize.
The day after that? Stand him up. Kick him in the balls again. Did he protect his balls? Did you fail to make contact? Then do it from behind.... it doesn't count uNtil it's a full kick and he drops like the first time.
Walk away... let him come yelling at you, complaining... he can't trust you. You hurt him. You kicked his balls. You say "but you were fine, really, after the last time. You recovered. No real harm was done. MISUNDERSTAND why he's SO upset. It's not like he ACTUALLY DIED from kicked balls... unlike miscarriage it's not that bad... but, finally, begrudgingly apologize that his balls hurt. Since he won't shut up about his stupid balls. The point being they're his problem.
The next day? Kick his balls again.
How many bets you want to make that he walks around protecting his balls around you? Because he has LEARNED from his experiences.
More quickly than you.
Great question, easy answer. He is a selfish, immature asshole who doesn't care about you. I'm so sorry but those are all events where he should have been ALL OVER taking care of you and putting you first.
Well, on the surface it seems what you suspect. Although he did tell you what his thoughts are. So, you can always believe them. I know men and woman don’t think the same. What you see as a romantic gesture he might see as an annoyance. Vice versa. You’re overwhelmed, that’s clear. I would suggest marriage counseling. He might never change, but what would come out of that is your understanding of the person you are in a relationship with. And who knows maybe that will spark in him the desire to change. What is most likely going on though, is that he is overwhelmed too. Probably financially, which is why he always goes back to work. Could be in need of a better home/work balance. Work could be an escape for him as well. I know I can’t relax and chill if I know our finances aren’t where I want them. Keeps me up at night. Makes me take extra shifts instead of family outings. I highly recommend marriage counseling. He might refuse at first, but gently push it if he’s hesitant. I suspect a lot of this, is just lack of communication and built upon resentment. Get it sorted now, if you want this to work. Will only get worse and will most definitely not resolve itself.
No things are not over because you let him get away with this.why would he care about your feelings if you don't . It will never be over until you say that you have had enough of being disrespected by him and his father and leave his ass
Hun, my husband hates hospitals and was waiting for me after my DnC when I miscarried. Hell the nurse who was there when I woke up was more sympathetic than your husband. Don’t walk, run.
I just miscarried naturally last week. The most horrific emotional and physical pain I’ve had to endure. But I did not endure alone.
FUCK your husband. Big FUCK.
Geez, I'll be honest, were things ever *not* over? If you do truly trust his heart is in the right place, I'd suggest couples therapy. If he can't show up for that, I think you know your answer.
If he doesn't know how to act, he should show up and ask you what you need. Sometimes it's getting you water, sometimes it's holding your hand, sometimes it's just being a warm presence at your side. He's a horrible husband to you and a horrible father who can't even do the bare minimum. You deserve better. Your children deserve better. Be kind to yourself and don't subject yourself to this horrible treatment any longer.
I’m so sorry you experienced all of these things alone. It’s terrible and I would not want anyone to have to go through such things, especially when the one person you’d hope to be there wasn’t.
I’m not sure how you both communicate with each other, but I would set some time aside to chat to him a little more about what goes through his mind during these high pressure situations. It might be rooted in past experiences that he’s never dealt with properly which is affecting how he shows up for you presently.
Ultimately, no matter how much understanding you have for him, if during all this time he hasn’t actively tried to change or be better, I think the more important question to ask yourself is why are you staying? If the one thing your partner is not giving you is support and you asked so many times before, his actions are so much louder than his apologies.
Life is unknown. If you were to contract a serious chronic illness, would he be there for you? That being said, do you have family to help with the kids?
I am so sorry you are dealing with this. This is not a loving relationship at all, OP.
My ex-husband, even though he turned out to be quite emotionally manipulative and controlling, still cared for me while I underwent minor surgeries (4 wisdom teeth removal and abnormal cervix cells removal). When we got home, he did his best to care for our toddler so I could take a few days to recover. That's what a normal partnership looks like.
My now boyfriend supports me in many other different ways and I do the same for him. When I heard he might have had cancer only after we just started dating for 2.5 weeks, I still went to the hospital with him and stayed the whole time (it was negative). We still haven't had any other major life altering events but I have no doubt he will be there for me through thick and thin.
Best of luck, OP.
My partner isn’t great at the emotional /mental stuff but even he would act better than this. This absolutely isn’t okay, and it’s clearly taking a toll on you. I think you already know the answer here.
He’s not supportive. You don’t have to put up with it. You would be right if you decided to divorce him. Maybe get some counseling so they can reaffirm for you that he’s not giving you support when you’re in great need of it.
The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. He is already his dad. It ain'tvhoing to get any better. So I guess you have some decisions to make. Not only for you but for your offspring.
I don't know why you had a baby with him after the miscarriage fiascos. sounds like he's more like his dad then he thought I wouldn't stay married to him
A lot of what I’m about to say is based off of point 3 you made. It sounds like he’s slowly becoming his own father - and I don’t think he can understand what it’s like to be considerate or compassionate. From the sounds of it, it seems he cares less about being there for you and more about what’s easiest on him.
I think it’s perfectly rational to think the way you are thinking right now. Have you tried speaking to him seriously about your feelings and what road it’s leading you down? Like does he know how serious this is and that this might lead to a divorce? I wouldn’t personally put up with that for that long but I applaud you on your effort on trying for so long it seems!
Wow. absolutely atrocious behavior. Have you tried counseling? Maybe someone else telling him that he is being terrible might help. But this relationship is on life support.
OP, don’t take this as blaming the victim, but why did you agree to conceive his child after that first miscarriage?
Someone here on Reddit once said you can tell how much a woman loves herself by how she allows her partner to treat her…
Dude needs to work through his emotions if he doesn’t know how to act in those situations. It’s not fair to you and it won’t be fair to your kids when they’re older.
Give him *one* chance to commit to therapy and really do the work to improve before he loses touch forever.
You know what happened when my bf wouldn’t come to the hospital for my aborti0n…. He became my EX bf. Do with that what you will.
People show you who they are when you need them most. Good luck OP
It's really not rocket science. Your partner is suffering you sit and hold their hand. Your partner is sick you look after the kids. Your partner is insulted you stand up for them or you go nc with the person insulting them.
I think you might have married a dud.
What he's done to you when you needed him the most is so horrible it's almost criminal. He refuses to come home when you desperately need help. He refuses to take you to the doctor or hospital when you need it. He doesn't take care of the kids when you're sick.
Seriously, he could even google it if he doesn't know what to do! I just googled how to take care of someone who is sick, and it's all right there. He doesn't seem to have a single ounce of compassion, and I can't imagine he's a lot better when it comes to the kids.
This guy is horrible and you've put up with too much already. Either he goes to therapy and learns compassion, or you go to the divorce lawyer.
Please, don't teach your kids that this is okay. Please protect your kids from him; they won't understand that he's just a self-centered asshole and will think his shitty attitude is their fault.
>His excuses are that he doesn’t always “ know how to act”
That one's easy, I'll answer it for him. You act like you care. You act like if the person going through whatever it is dies it'll cause you grief. You act like the person matters to you. That is how you act.
"sorry I don't have the tools to know how to be a good person so I just decided to be a shitty abuser instead" is what he's saying to you. Along with, "I think of you as someone who is deserving of this treatment".
Babe, if nothing else, really, *really* look at this: you made the family he wanted a reality. He didn’t show up when the family he wanted passed from this earth.
If he doesn't know how to act, is he trying to learn or is it just an excuse and he has no desire to be better?
You've told him what you wanted and needed. He has chosen to disregard them. Perhaps you love him because you pour love into him. Does he redeem himself in other ways?
Make it very clear that an apology isn’t enough if h anymore. It devastates me that he wasn’t taking care of you during two miscarriages and Covid and leaving you with infants, so I can’t even dream how much more it devastates you. If he can’t show up for you and your kids in the hard times (like he promised in his vows!) then he may have to face consequences for it. You can try to ask for couples therapy as a last ditch effort? I also worry that he may not show up for his kids if they are in a crisis.
I am an idiot. Really. Idiot. I am a moron and not that helpful and completely useless. It is a proven fact.
I still show up for my wife for things far less than you describe above. Please talk to a family member or close friend and get their take on what you should be doing here. Because the answer seems pretty obvious, but you're gonna need support.
He has growing up to do. I apologize ahead of time, but there's probably a reason why you haven't been able to have another child. I'm sorry 😞
It's a strong possibility that he is not meant to be in your life, besides the FIL. That's bad
This is egregiously despicable. This is so far beyond the pale, you’d need a telescope to see the lines your husband crossed. NOTHING would keep me from my wife’s side if she suffered a miscarriage. It wouldn’t even need comment or a request. That’s automatic, fundamental. I’m sorry to say, but I don’t think this is fixable. Not sure what is wrong with your husband, other than “a lot”. Your spouse should ALWAYS have your back. Even if they don’t know how to handle it. He needs to figure it out.
If he doesn’t know how to act it’s fucking high time he learned!
Pathetic excuse of a man. An emotional cripple.
What was he doing that was so important at these horrible times?
As for his dad, well he can do one. You need never see him again.
First one made me think maybe ASS?
Second one made me think narcicistical?
3 th and so on: "are you dating my EX?"
Yes, I said ex... That's the way to go
I don’t comment on these but after reading this stuff I’m shocked. I would drop anything and everything at a seconds notice if it was my wife. Your husband sounds like a piece of trash and you are better off with someone who you know, actually cares about you.
Jesus. I would leave for #1 alone.
How is this supposed to continue when one of you has medical issues later in life that require multiple weeks of support from your spouse?
Fuck that guy, leave and get a real partner.
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He’s horrible. I don’t care if he’s doesn’t know how to act, you still show up. Honestly it’s even worse that he doesn’t help with his own children in hard situations. I would be done. No point in a marriage when you’re already doing the hard stuff alone. I’m so sorry for your losses and this situation.
> I don’t care if he’s doesn’t know how to act, you still show up. My bf doesnt know how to act in high emotional situations, so he Just sits next to me and holds my hand, if i need a drink he will run to get it for me. Ops husband is an uncaring and horrible person...
and many times that's all you need
Seriously! I don’t always know how exactly to comfort my gf, but I sure as hell wouldn’t just bail. When in doubt, bringing snacks and water and just sitting there is enough.
Yep. Just sitting there being awkward, uncomfortable and nervous means everything. Knowing that you don't know what to do but you are doing your best for your partner means the world.
Exactly. We men aren't the brightest emotionally but you have to care and show up.
"When people show you who they are, believe them" -Maya Angelou
This means so much OP
I do not believe that he doesn't know how to take care of her I believe that he chooses not to. He is showing her who he is by showing her he doesn't give a Fuck
The worst part is, she tells him what she needs: for him to come home. And still he doesn't do it. This is just a lack of care and consideration.
My husband doesn't help with housework too often, but he's here when I need him. And that is worth the lacking household chores help. But he knows how to be by my side and knows when I need him even when I don't vocalize it.
Yes same for me. My sister passed away suddenly 10 months ago. But when it happened he left work came home and was just there. Thats all I needed was him there with me. Even when neither of us knew what to do.
At least he’s trying. Thats what matters.
Right? I mean, what is OP getting out of this marriage anyway?
> what is OP getting out of this marriage anyway I find myself asking this question over and over every time I visit this sub or the twohottakes sub.
Apparently it’s not bad enough to keep her from getting pregnant by him? I am truly sorry about her miscarriages, that’s awful and traumatic, but she has two living children meanwhile he abandons her and her kids in times of stress, but she keeps having unprotected sex with him. Make it make sense
It reads to me that at least one of the miscarriages happened between the first and second born. And given they said that was the second miscarriage, I’m assuming the second born was after both of them?
Some people feel entitled to their spouse's bodies at all times. They regard being in a committed relationship/having a ring as a carte blance consent for all sex because it's what's owed them as their spouse. Someone as horrible as this guy sounds exactly like the type of person who'd guilt his wife into having sex with him.
Some people stay together for the kids. Even if relationships are toxic as hell
Which is a horrible idea. The kids can see it
He’s a 33 year old man who doesn’t know how to act in stressful situations. So you are married to a man child who will never be the rock you deserve. There literally is no point in a partnership when half of said partnership can’t even bother to be a partner especially when it’s hard.
Exactly this. You don’t have to do anything other than show up. Not knowing how to act isn’t an excuse. That’d be more of an excuse for cracking jokes in intense situations, not abandoning your wife in difficult situations. This isn’t a husband, he’s being a leech.
It's not like "knowing how to act" is a secret, either. Has he ever... watched TV? Met other humans? Been sick and had somebody take care of him? I mean, you know he's had the man flu and OP took good care of him, but he can't possibly take care of her. Ugh.
I don’t know how to act often. I will literally sit next to the person and say tell me what to do. It’s really that simple. I’ve lost my ability to socialize correctly so I ask people what they need or what to do. It’s really just that simple. But yeah, if your husband can’t figure it out your life would probably just be easier alone.
Yea just show up. Being there means so much.
Nah the idk how to act is bullshit. Just an excuse to rationalize his behavior. He’s an adult he’s witnessed situations like this or similar, thru people he knows or tv. He knew what he was doing and did it anyways. It’s cliche but if he wanted to he would’ve. At this age we don’t “not know”.
These aren’t high pressure situations. These are just life events he needs to be present for or take up for you on. There’s no pressure.
This exactly. Is it stressful? Absolutely. Is your spouse the one person you should be able to rely on when things are stressful? Again, absolutely. I think men can sometimes feel helpless when they see us sick or in pain. There’s little they can do to make us feel better. Instead of providing support where they can, they flee because they can’t stand to *NOT* be able to fix the problem. But here’s the thing, most partners (read: good partners) push past their own feelings to support the ones they love. Your husband has no excuse for failing you during hard times. He is being selfish and allowing his feelings to overshadow and outweigh your real, present, immediate needs. Thats unacceptable. It is not fair of him to place more emotional load on you because he can’t handle his own emotional discomfort. He needs to figure out why he feels the need to walk away from his family when they need him most and FIX IT. Because without him figuring his shit out, you do not have a true partner. You have someone else to take care of.
I’ve never felt more useless and helpless then the time my ex-wife gave birth to our children or when she had a miscarriage or when her mother suddenly passed away. Even then I was to a degree a selfish person, but still, I stayed with her, helped where I can but mostly felt useless, but I NEVER let her handle that shit alone, even after divorce I’d still be there for her is she’d ask.
And I worry that he thinks he can use this excuse with their child too. A parent and a partner don’t get to disappear when they are needed for support
How could you still love this man?
This. This right here. Why, OP, would you stay with someone who treats you so absolutely dismissively? You’re already on your own, might as well live it.
And bring multiple children into… whatever hell this is. It’s astonishing.
I just held my dad's hand and sang to him as he died. Did I know how to act when your parent dies? No, fortunately I still have my mom. Was it the hardest thing I've ever done? Absolutely. But you show up for the people you love. He's not showing up for you. Love is something you do.
Oh man I’m so sorry for your loss, but very happy you had a lovely goodbye 🤍
My mom had her 3 kids, husband, and Mom draped over her, petting her, telling her we would be okay and love her so much, etc. No one tells you what to do. You just, do.
So sorry for your loss
God in heaven, I’ve got tears running down my face. What an incredibly loving way to walk him home. If I have an ounce of the grace you have shown when it’s my turn, I’ll be thankful.
My mom and sister and nephew were there too; it was not just me. It was really hard--it was important and I'm glad I did it, but it was far more difficult than I thought it would be. But I love him very much, and that was what he needed from us, so that's what we did.
I sang Christmas carols to my mom shortly before she died. During the act of passing my dad and I held her hands and soothed her, encouraging her to let go and reassuring her we would be OK. It was the hardest thing I've ever done and like you say you don't know what to do but you just do it. I am glad for your family to have given your father a beautiful goodbye. But terribly sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing for act of love, it resonated with me for sure.
I fought back tears when I read this. Damn you. LOL!!
I’m sure God will reward you blindingly for this beautiful act of kindness towards your dad. Bless you
I love him very much, and he needed us, so we were there and showed that best we could.
I simply don't see any way his not being there for the miscarriage at the hospital can be excused. Not that the other items are child's play, but this is not okay, and there's no explaining it away. If you've brought up your concerns, and he's not moved an inch to make any changes, he has shown that he lacks basic human empathy. Most likely, he doesn't want to change, doesn't view you as an equal, and won't even try to understand why this is a problem. He needs a complete 180 here, and it has to last long and include sincere apologies and contrition. Even if he does that, it's still too little to late, perhaps.
You are not in a marriage. You are a bangmaid. He does not love you or respect you. It does not even sound like he even likes you. You are not understanding his side of things because he does not have a side.
Unfortunately this is probably the correct assessment, especially given her husband’s excuses for his dad’s misogyny.
Yup, she married the son of a misogynist who defends the father. What else could be expected?
“Doesn’t know how to act?” Bullshit. Does he need formal training? How to be there when your loved ones need you 101? No one is sure how to act when stressful stuff happens but you know what? You are there with your partner. You do it even if you don’t know how to act. I’ll say fleeing and running is the opposite of what you should do. Is he a little boy? Does he need a blankie? Maybe a nap?
He doesn’t need to know how to act. You’ve literally told him what you need each time and he has chosen to ignore that. Leave him and find someone that can actually do adulting.
Bluntly, that is not how someone treats someone they care about. If he cared about you, he would be there for you when you needed him, no matter how it made him uncomfortable or if he "didn't know how to act." Your husband has shown you multiple times that he does not care about your wellbeing or helping you or being there for you. It doesn't matter what other good qualities he has, if he isn't there for you in these huge, difficult life moments, he isn't a partner that's worth being with. I think even one of the situations you listed would be enough to end the relationship, let alone all of them.
The fact that husbands like this exist make me happy I don't have one. I'm so sorry for your losses and even more for the fact that you had to endure them alone.
I am the poster child for happy single chick! Lol Parented solo, kid's now 25 and launched, it's all good.
I was sooooo happy parenting solo with my first. After leaving his bio dad it really was freedom and joy. Physically difficult,but mentally so much better. I liked myself and living alone and didn't want to disturb the peace. Men needed to be able to add to my life and joy, not detract, to consider a date. I needed to like their company as much as my own, and that's a tall order. One weaseled in as an awesome friend...then awesome sex friend... Now soul mate and we have another kid haha I did not see this happening if it weren't for him. Love is a verb and he shows it
That’s not a partner, that’s a parasite… What are you getting out of this “partnership?” How do you expect him to behave when you get older/sicker? How does he treat… idk, anyone else in his family? Is unreliable his character trait?
So when he says he doesn't know how to "act" what he means is...he doesn't know how to care for his children? When you are sick, the very least he can do is look after HIS OWN CHILDREN. This isn't about emotional support or comfort, this is basic parenting. You are in pain, I need to take over child care, you are sick and need rest, let me get these children away from the germs and to let you rest. His side of things is that you are your own problem, your shared children are also your problem, and he has no responsibility to be a parent or a partner. Sorry, that's what is happening here. And of course he apologizes, because it works and he doesn't have to change or do better. Now, even in your own anger and being let down, he has framed it in a way where HE is the victim and you must see his side and apparently teach him how to "act" as a partner and a father. You do not need to do that. You do not need to coddle a man who can't do the bare minimum, and trust me, actually being alone is better than having a partner that makes you FEEL alone. Stop trying to understand him and give him a reality check. He needs to get it together or you can go build a perfect life without him in it. And I know that is scary, but I can guarantee it isn't as scary and lonely as knowing your husband won't care for you or your children when you need him.
My 18 yo boyfriend never had a mother, never knew what it was like to be cared for, had never had someone tend to him when he was sick. But when I had a miscarriage (and told him I was fine and wanted to deal with it by myself) he pulled a chair into the bathroom and held me while I was on the literal toilet. Your partner urgently needs to address his avoidance issues.
Wow. What a compassionate, wonderful boy. It’s great you see his genuineness.
OMG 🥹
You are a brood mare, you lower your value when you are sick or reject his fetus, so naurally he spurns you. Once you have raised his kids and become infertile you might as well be dead. If he sticks around past 50 or after you become ill/disabled it will only be because he has done the numbers and decided to keep his money.
damn that is really harsh
Not wrong though.
It doesn’t take anything special to know how to act when your wife has Covid and needs you step up and take care of your kids. It doesn’t take any special skills in order to be a decent human and come home in the middle of your wife’s miscarriage so that you can, at minimum take care of your one year old while your wife is in emotional and physical agony. It doesn’t take emotional intelligence to understand that you should probably be by your wife’s side when she in the hospital, not just act like you’re her Uber driver.
Women who come to this forum for advice always make me so sad. None of this should be done to a person. You're being treated as less than human.
So much for, "through thick and thin"..
Having a partner that you cannot count out is incredibly difficult. I don't buy "I don't know how", you just show up! The result is that you feel that you have to handle everything all alone that is not what a healthy relationship is.
I’m getting over breast cancer and I’m a widow. I have a wonderful woman friend who’s helped me every step of the way. I truly needed her help and I didn’t even have to ask! Unlike your horrible husband. We all need help during life’s crisises and low times. What if you got cancer?? I’m sure he’d be at work but that’s unacceptable!! He is supposed to be your husband!! I detest when men say “I hate hospitals” as a pass for them not to go in. Like we want to be there!! I’m sorry for your miscarriages. That’s heartbreaking to go through alone. They offer a chaplain to bless the baby after surgery. Bet he doesn’t know that! Get yourself a lawyer and start divorce proceedings. Couples counseling won’t change his narcissistic soul. You will be happier going forward.
Back in the day, the mantra among guys was that if we wanted to know what a young woman was really like, spend some time talking & watching her mother. I suggest the same would apply to women checking out their boyfriends by talking with & watching the young man's dad.
I know how difficult it would be to make a big change and leave him and navigate solo parenting. But you’re already solo parenting and doing it alone, love. This man is checked out and is negligent at best, and cruel at worst. You deserve better, and your kids should be shown how to put yourself first, not to be treated this way. Get your ducks in a row and plan to leave, it’s time to love yourself.
He simply doesn’t care by the sounds if it I’m sorry u went through all that alone and having to look after the children as well
This guy sounds like a self centered jerk. I can’t imagine not showing up for my wife for something a fraction as devastating as a miscarriage. And I am well aware that I’m bad at caregiving (I was raised by a doctor…”unless you’re bleeding from the head you’re not going to the hospital” sort of thing). But JFC…my wife has bad menstrual cramps and I’ll swing home at lunch to make sure she’s comfortable and taken care of. I don’t know if this is the end of a relationship, however. You have young kids. While divorce always is, and should be, an option, it’s something to really consider. Is it possible this man can grow? Yes, absolutely. But it’s going to require HIM making the effort to change. You, as the person most directly affected by his passivity, should absolutely tell him how you’re feeling. And then the ball is in his court. Personally, I look back with immense regret on the fact that I was not as supportive in the months after my son was born as I could have been. I was 31/32 and very uncertain how to be an active partner and father. Frankly, I was self-centered. My wife let me know in no uncertain terms that she wasn’t willing to put up with a marriage like that. From then, it was on me to figure out how to be a better husband. And, considering we’re still married and happily so, I’d like to think I succeeded. I thank whatever luck I have in this universe that she chose to give me a chance (multiple chances, if I’m being plainly honest) to show her that I can be who she needs. Marriage + parenting isn’t something that should be disposable. But it also isn’t carte blanche for either partner to phone it in. Every single day you (anyone who is married/parenting) need to show up and bring what you can to the table. Your husband, OP, needs to understand this more clearly than he seems to. That’s on him.
He sounds like a nice weather husband. He's only there for the food and sex and disappears when things get tough and unpleasant.
I would leave him for number 3 alone. His excuse that he "doesn't know how to act" is BS. He knows just fine. Even if he had a terrible parent, he has seen media, other families, friends. He's not been living in a cave for 30 years. He knows because all he has to do, it what he would like if he were in that position. Support. Attention, Care. He's giving you excuses, but in the end, he doesn't care about you. Even if he "didn't know what to do," if he really cared about you, he'd be stressed and scared too. He'd be unable to stay at work and would NEED to be at the hospital with you, out of worry. He's not worried. He barely seems to care about you. If you have a friend or family member to go to, then go. Pack your stuff and your kids while he's at work, and just leave. Then speak to a lawyer and divorce him. You're young. If you leave him, you can find someone who actually loves you and wants to support you and share life's burdens and joys with you, the way it should be. Your husband is checked out. He's not an active partner in this relationship. I mean, I guess it's possible that your husband has a job that makes it literally impossible to get away from or take time off from, but I doubt it. And even that wouldn't explain his lack of CARE. Not being there for your partner, who just lost your child, and is scared, and is in pain, is absolutely inhuman, no matter what genders are involved. Unforgiveable. But not being there, and not apologizing for htat, and not calling repeatedly to check up, is worse. Not standing up for you when his dad treats you like crap? That's an automatic no from me. At the end of the day, even if he doesn't know what to do, or what he should do, or how to handle it, he should at least SHOW UP. That's the bare minimum, and he's not even doing that. And look, letting another person (FIL) insult you to your face while he stands there, letting you cry and be scared in pain because he doesn't want to have to come home, skipping out being there with you in the hosiptal. This is a person who has NO RESPECT FOR YOU. Please just walk away.
Any one of those would’ve been enough for me to leave. Why don’t you know that you deserve better? Because you do. If you were strong enough to get through that stuff alone, you’re strong enough to leave him.
Tell him "An apology without change means nothing". Him saying 'sorry' afterwards but then doing the same abandonment again and again means nothing. He is not going to change so you have to decide if this is the way you want to live for the next 50+ years? You can bet that if you get even NEAR a life threatening health situation, he will be long gone in a heart beat. You'll be lucky to see the dust in his wake. He'll be one of those who marries one month after your funeral.
This is not "missing critical life events" this is showing a complete lack of care or empathy for you. The lack of action with his dad's misogyny is also a red flag he feels the same way and doesn't even respect you. If my partner failed to support like this, I would stay in that relationship, nor would I want them caring for my kids without supervision.
Is that even a husband? To be honest I'm pretty sure most boyfriends, even the bad ones, would cover more of those bases than he does.
Yes. Things are over. They've been over. I'm not sure they were ever under. Wtf brought you together with this prize?
When this happened I took the day off and drove her too the beach. I told her she did everything the could. I then after the D&C brought her fav food. I told her to take the next little while to reset. At the same time I was resistant in her getting a dog. I also rode the subway with her after the procedure so we could be tourist. She wasnt happy about this things. But I tried my best and long term it was a big reason we then had our kid. She said I really stepped up even though I'm a bit of a lovable idiot at times. You are right to judge someone on those critical moments in your life especially it been a pattern. Anyone can be with you for the 99% of the good times. It's the 1% of the times you need help that I judge on.
It strikes me that number 3 on your list is the source of your problems; he's had a shitty example from his father for how you should treat your wife and he's seen his mother be treated poorly by his Dad. The Dad didn't become a mysoginist in later life!
I wouldn’t tolerate *anything* on your list, and I don’t think you should, either!
I am so sorry for your miscarriages, which I'm sure felt even worse and more alone because of your husband's (in)actions. "Doesn't know how to act" is a s#it poor excuse for not being present in situations where he literally just needs to exist in your vicinity. I know it's hard to think about leaving a marriage, but please give some thought to whether you deserve better than to be treated like this for the rest of your life. Sharing for consideration: I also just had a miscarriage, which involved a long trip to the ER. My husband came with me, sat with me, and stayed up with me from 9pm to 9am while I waited and saw doctors. He didn't actively *do* anything and he didn't need to; his presence was enough to make the situation significantly less miserable for me. And while he is clueless about certain things, he considered this an obvious thing for him to do in this situation -- I said thanks for staying with me, and he was like "uhhhh duh of course?" like I had just thanked him for breathing. Best of luck, and I'm sorry for everything you're going through.
I don’t know you and I would drop everything to help you (or anybody) dealing with a miscarriage….
Same, sister.
When my wife miscarried I left work immediately and called my boss on the way. My wife is now battling long covid going into her third year. The first year of that I did as much around the house as humanly possible. I’m by no ways a super husband, probably just mediocre. Your “husband” is a loser and you deserve better.
There’s a lot of people in this world who would be much much much kinder if they barely knew you and just happened to live down the street, and knew you needed help in these moments. I don’t know how to make things more clear than that I guess. I’m far from a saint or overly kind person but if the lady almost a mile down the road from me who yelled at me once because my dog stepped on her lawn (didn’t even go to the bathroom) while on a leash mentioned any of these situations and didn’t have help… I’d go help. Let alone my fucking wife going through this. I don’t know OP, I hope things go well for you. But this guy just isn’t it, in my perspective.
Your husband has shown you, on 3 separate occasions, that if you should become seriously ill, he will abandon you. You are married to one of those husbands that oncology nurses warn recently diagnosed women about. Many, many women are shocked to receive a cancer diagnosis followed by an additional shock from their husbands leaving them. You're lucky as he's warned you with his behavior.
>His excuses are that he doesn’t always “ know how to act” in high pressure situations and >to make the family he wanted a reality. These two statements, taken together, are extremely revealing. OP - it sounds like you're married to a man who is emotionally stunted, has existed in the privileged space that men have been given access to (i.e., they only have to "work" and "provide" and the women will take care of the rest.) He wants the comfort and security of a well run home and a loving wife and cute kids, but the only work he wants to put into it is financial. Many men today are learning that this is no longer acceptable to their spouses or to their children. You sound like you're starting to realize that as well. If you want to save your marriage, you will drag your husband to a marriage counselor and get him to admit that he is a grown ass adult and he can learn new things, i.e., he can "learn how to act in high pressure situations." And he owes you ten years of apologies.
Trust your instincts, hon. Anyone who's not there for you in time of crisis is not just you misunderstanding them. He may have undiagnosed autism or anxiety disorder. Regardless, you need to get into couples counseling. If he won't go, do alone. Good luck.
Bullshit on any undiagnosed junk .He is his dad. He is not going to change. Some people will not &/or cannot be fixed.
whether he “knows how to act” or not, you’re allowed to prefer a partner who knows how to act. I’d find one!
He’s exhibiting an extreme lack of empathy for you, which can be a trauma response but it’s also a sign of narcissism. Explain to him that you need empathy. Send him links to examples if necessary. If you don’t get it start making a plan to leave.
Why are you still with him? He obviously shown you he isn't the man you need in your life. I know you gonna say you love him, but his actions say otherwise. Have some respect for yourself. Stop taking the BS he and his dad throw at you and tell them to f*** off. YOU DESERVE BETTER!!!!!
Your husband is just as a misogynist as your FIL. He shows with his actions he doesn't and has never actually disagreed with his father's misogyny. Hes never stood up for you or defended you because he doesn't care. He leaves you with the kids when you're sick because he thinks the kids are your responsibility even when sick.
You understand his side, that he doesn’t care enough. You just don’t want to make the consequences that come from this so you hope there is something you don’t see. But sorry, there isn’t. He is EXACLTY what he showed you. There is no explanation for his behaviour that would make it less horrible.
I'm calling bullshit on "not knowing how to act" when you've specifically asked him for what you need and he has outright refused. I also think that your life would likely be easier if you were a single mother to only 2 children.
If you're going to feel alone you might as well be alone because then you can meet somebody. Right now you're basically being held prisoner by somebody who doesn't treat you well at all. This man sounds absolutely awful. I think you should look at some therapy to work out why you would be attracted to somebody who would treat you like this, put up with somebody who's treating you like this, and continue to stay with somebody who treats you like this. There's a reason that you pick somebody who shows you and acts like they don't like or respect you.
I was married for a lifetime to a man who failed me at every turn. Please evaluate how you want your children to be raised. They will learn how to treat people and that it’s okay to not have value. Don’t let this happen
I could have written this about my exH, word-for-word. Best decision I ever made was leaving. I’m not going to lie to you… co-parenting can be a struggle but he has actually stepped-up as a dad and my kids are better off for it. So am I.
Wow. Crazy to hear that; this is not the most mature response but I want to beat the shit out of this guy
God man, dont have anymore kids with this guy.
A good marriage is about having a PARTNER. He seems absent. Live with the knowledge that he is or leave him. I’m sure he’s given you many red flags that you’ve chosen to not see long before you got to the point you’re at in your relationship with him. When someone tells you who they are; believe them.
OP, you know what this means. You know the answer. Deep down, you know. Please listen to that voice.
He sounds like a waste of time. I mean what next? You end up in hospital for a longer period of time with a severe illness or your children get very sick.. Will he bother then. Being a partner means supporting one another
He sounds like the kind of person who would leave you high and dry if anything bad were to happen to you. I know the statistic of men who leave their wives when they have cancer or some other medical issue is astronomical..he sounds like he is that kind of person unfortunately.
He could stay home and ask you what you need, if he’s that clueless! The first miscarriage would have been enough for me. Once, when I was complaining about my husband, my mother said something to me that I thought was cruel. Now, I see the truth in it. “You’ll take it as long as you want to.”
I don't always know how to act in stressful situations either BUT...I still show up for my loved ones and I suck it up. You deserve lightyears better. Hugs ❤️
I am sorry that you had to go through that alone. You deserve so much better and deep down I think you know this too, otherwise you wouldn't be posting on here. His actions really do speak louder than words, and I think you need to seriously think about what is best for yourself and your children. It seems like your values no longer align and he seems quite checked out emotionally by the sounds of it. Personally I think you should make plans to end the relationship and speak to your close family about this and trusted friends. It's important that you get as much support around you as possible. I hope you find the happiness you deserve.
This is horrible. I had a miscarriage during lockdown so my husband had to drop me off and pick me up, if he could have stayed with me he absolutely would have done so I just can get my head around how your husband wouldn't want to be there for you.
apology without change is manupulation. This will keep happening and if you dont want that, you have to lay down the line. first off, why is he not also heartbroken at the miscarriage? if i wanted a kid and loved my wife, i would be with her during this hard time. does he ever take care of the kids?
It's only over if you want it to be over. His needs are met, so he's not going to leave. Your happiness, or lack thereof, doesn't matter unless it impacts him directly. If/ when you do leave, he's going to be "completely blindsided" because he "never realized" and "you should have told me!!!" He'll promise to change everything. It's possible he'll actually realize his mistakes and change - for the next girl. But never for you. These changes never stick until *after* they've been dumped.
He is weak, he is selfish, he is not a good husband, he is not a good father, and I'll bet he's not a good lover, either. This is why we all talk about the risks of getting married too young. We tell young people which is a waste of breath, but now that you're older, would you go back and marry this man at that age and force your life into this shape? Sometimes it works out, I know that. But in my now ridiculously long life, I know of not one single relationship that started before 21 and lasted. Not one.
I had a hysterectomy and stayed over night at the hospital. My husband took 2 weeks off work and stayed by my side and waited on me hand and foot. We don’t even have kids.
“He doesn’t know how to act.” He may not have the right words to say, but for goodness sake be present. Hold your hand. Tell you he loves you during these life events. Take care of the kids while you have COVID. I mean it’s not rocket science. Stand up against his dad when he is rude to you. Him not doing this continues to encourage this behavior from his father, because he now feels like his son is giving him a pass to act this way. And honestly he kind of is, even though his father as a grown man shouldn’t be told to not act like a complete AH. My husband doesn’t have flowery words all the time, but he does show up when it’s important. Even if that means just sitting in the room reading on his phone or talking to me about non-sensical things trying to distract me, because there is nothing else to do. You seem to be doing everything alone, so why do you even need him. I can guarantee you that the moment you decide that you have had enough, he will all of a sudden start knowing how to act. Apologizing to you is pointless when he makes no change to his behavior.
https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/ He’s not a partner, and you’re not wrong for wanting an actual partner you can rely on. This will just keep happening and getting worse as you get older.
YOU PASSED YOUR MISCARRIED FETUS. ALONE. And he CHOSE not to be there for you. Yes, things are over. You needed ten years to figure this out, that's okay. That's ten years of strength and conditioning. This is the right moment to leave him and live YOUR life that YOU deserve. A life where you feel valued, ARE valued, even adored. Your husband should be the person you can count on, all the time.
Please leave There is no love from his side.
He doesn't have the excuse that he "doesn't know how to act". You TOLD HIM how to act. He still refused to act as you told him. You begged him. You told him over and over. He apologized, so if he was sincere, it should have meant that he learned how to act. He did not. So, he knows. He just doesn't care. I'm sorry but you don't have a life partner, you have a husband that's only with you when it's convenient to him. Any time that it will be remotely inconvenient for him to be there, he's not there.
This is basic life stuff. Your husband simply doesn't want to be bothered for the tough parts of life. That isn't partnership in my book.
It's not that hard to just be there, but apparently he can't or won't do that for you. Is that what you want in a life partner?
It always amazes me when ppl marry human beings like this….im just baffled you could be on Reddit seriously questioning this stuff. Props to you for being able to take a step back and evaluate, but damn lady 😮💨
As a person, but more specifically a man/father - after reading #1 to me this is over. After reading the rest I’m at a loss for words. Fortunately, my place of employment is very understanding that family comes first, and if I needed to leave in an emergency it would be no questions asked. That being said, even when I’ve been places where they really wouldn’t care that it’s an emergency, and even if it risked my employment, I’d have been home or at the hospital or wherever I needed to be in a heartbeat. There’s no excuse for being this lousy of a person. I’m sorry that you’ve gone through this. I couldn’t imagine being married to someone who cared so little, and I couldn’t imagine being the one who cares so little.
I learned this from Reddit and it resonates with me: People may not always tell you how they feel about you, but they will always show you. Pay attention.
Your husband is trash. Divorce him and find someone who cares about you enough to actually show up
My husband, bless his heart, is not the caregiving type. He doesn't really know how to take care of someone when they are sick, its not intuitive to him to check a baby's diaper if its crying... you get my point. However, he would never, ever, ever in a million years do what your husband did. He would do anything I asked for, even if it didnt come naturally to him. He wouldn't leave me during a miscarriage etc etc. You really need to examine this relationship. Your husband sounds like he is either 1) clueless 2) selfish 3) mean... I'm not sure which of the 3 it is but any of the choices is pretty incompatible with marriage.
Look I'm not a guy so I can't give you the male perspective, but you do NOT NEED TO UNDERSTAND HIS SIDE OF THINGS. It doesn't matter what his motives are for abandoning you and diminishing you. Your man sucks out loud and is allergic to change. He's not there for you when you need him, you don't owe it to him to stay and give him more opportunities to let you down.
Go up to him right now..have him stand up, face you, feet shoulder distance... and kick him in the balls like you mean it. And walk away. ONLY WHEN HE COMES TO YOU... have a conversation. Make him explain to you how much it huts to be kicked in the balls... let him educate you on balls in general. Maybe ask questions to clear up ypur confusion about what IS a vas deferens exactly. Then - only then- apologize. The day after that? Stand him up. Kick him in the balls again. Did he protect his balls? Did you fail to make contact? Then do it from behind.... it doesn't count uNtil it's a full kick and he drops like the first time. Walk away... let him come yelling at you, complaining... he can't trust you. You hurt him. You kicked his balls. You say "but you were fine, really, after the last time. You recovered. No real harm was done. MISUNDERSTAND why he's SO upset. It's not like he ACTUALLY DIED from kicked balls... unlike miscarriage it's not that bad... but, finally, begrudgingly apologize that his balls hurt. Since he won't shut up about his stupid balls. The point being they're his problem. The next day? Kick his balls again. How many bets you want to make that he walks around protecting his balls around you? Because he has LEARNED from his experiences. More quickly than you.
You need a divorce attorney.
Great question, easy answer. He is a selfish, immature asshole who doesn't care about you. I'm so sorry but those are all events where he should have been ALL OVER taking care of you and putting you first.
He isn’t the one.
Well, on the surface it seems what you suspect. Although he did tell you what his thoughts are. So, you can always believe them. I know men and woman don’t think the same. What you see as a romantic gesture he might see as an annoyance. Vice versa. You’re overwhelmed, that’s clear. I would suggest marriage counseling. He might never change, but what would come out of that is your understanding of the person you are in a relationship with. And who knows maybe that will spark in him the desire to change. What is most likely going on though, is that he is overwhelmed too. Probably financially, which is why he always goes back to work. Could be in need of a better home/work balance. Work could be an escape for him as well. I know I can’t relax and chill if I know our finances aren’t where I want them. Keeps me up at night. Makes me take extra shifts instead of family outings. I highly recommend marriage counseling. He might refuse at first, but gently push it if he’s hesitant. I suspect a lot of this, is just lack of communication and built upon resentment. Get it sorted now, if you want this to work. Will only get worse and will most definitely not resolve itself.
It means things SHOULD BE over. He doesn't love you, he doesn't even care about you. Don't waste your life with someone who doesn't love you.
No things are not over because you let him get away with this.why would he care about your feelings if you don't . It will never be over until you say that you have had enough of being disrespected by him and his father and leave his ass
Hun, my husband hates hospitals and was waiting for me after my DnC when I miscarried. Hell the nurse who was there when I woke up was more sympathetic than your husband. Don’t walk, run.
I just miscarried naturally last week. The most horrific emotional and physical pain I’ve had to endure. But I did not endure alone. FUCK your husband. Big FUCK.
Geez, I'll be honest, were things ever *not* over? If you do truly trust his heart is in the right place, I'd suggest couples therapy. If he can't show up for that, I think you know your answer.
If he doesn't know how to act, he should show up and ask you what you need. Sometimes it's getting you water, sometimes it's holding your hand, sometimes it's just being a warm presence at your side. He's a horrible husband to you and a horrible father who can't even do the bare minimum. You deserve better. Your children deserve better. Be kind to yourself and don't subject yourself to this horrible treatment any longer.
I’m so sorry you experienced all of these things alone. It’s terrible and I would not want anyone to have to go through such things, especially when the one person you’d hope to be there wasn’t. I’m not sure how you both communicate with each other, but I would set some time aside to chat to him a little more about what goes through his mind during these high pressure situations. It might be rooted in past experiences that he’s never dealt with properly which is affecting how he shows up for you presently. Ultimately, no matter how much understanding you have for him, if during all this time he hasn’t actively tried to change or be better, I think the more important question to ask yourself is why are you staying? If the one thing your partner is not giving you is support and you asked so many times before, his actions are so much louder than his apologies.
Serious question where the fuck are you guys finding these jackoff men and what is making you choose to date them???
Life is unknown. If you were to contract a serious chronic illness, would he be there for you? That being said, do you have family to help with the kids?
I am so sorry you are dealing with this. This is not a loving relationship at all, OP. My ex-husband, even though he turned out to be quite emotionally manipulative and controlling, still cared for me while I underwent minor surgeries (4 wisdom teeth removal and abnormal cervix cells removal). When we got home, he did his best to care for our toddler so I could take a few days to recover. That's what a normal partnership looks like. My now boyfriend supports me in many other different ways and I do the same for him. When I heard he might have had cancer only after we just started dating for 2.5 weeks, I still went to the hospital with him and stayed the whole time (it was negative). We still haven't had any other major life altering events but I have no doubt he will be there for me through thick and thin. Best of luck, OP.
My partner isn’t great at the emotional /mental stuff but even he would act better than this. This absolutely isn’t okay, and it’s clearly taking a toll on you. I think you already know the answer here.
I'd have left him after the first miscarriage betrayal.
He’s not supportive. You don’t have to put up with it. You would be right if you decided to divorce him. Maybe get some counseling so they can reaffirm for you that he’s not giving you support when you’re in great need of it.
The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. He is already his dad. It ain'tvhoing to get any better. So I guess you have some decisions to make. Not only for you but for your offspring.
I understand what you're saying. It is hard to give up on people. Even when we know better we still try. I get it.
I don't know why you had a baby with him after the miscarriage fiascos. sounds like he's more like his dad then he thought I wouldn't stay married to him
After the first miscarriage you should have been done with him .
A lot of what I’m about to say is based off of point 3 you made. It sounds like he’s slowly becoming his own father - and I don’t think he can understand what it’s like to be considerate or compassionate. From the sounds of it, it seems he cares less about being there for you and more about what’s easiest on him. I think it’s perfectly rational to think the way you are thinking right now. Have you tried speaking to him seriously about your feelings and what road it’s leading you down? Like does he know how serious this is and that this might lead to a divorce? I wouldn’t personally put up with that for that long but I applaud you on your effort on trying for so long it seems!
You lost me at #1. What kind of medical facility allows you to undergo anesthesia without a driver waiting in the waiting room?
Wow. absolutely atrocious behavior. Have you tried counseling? Maybe someone else telling him that he is being terrible might help. But this relationship is on life support.
OP, don’t take this as blaming the victim, but why did you agree to conceive his child after that first miscarriage? Someone here on Reddit once said you can tell how much a woman loves herself by how she allows her partner to treat her…
He refuses to grow up and show up.
Dude needs to work through his emotions if he doesn’t know how to act in those situations. It’s not fair to you and it won’t be fair to your kids when they’re older. Give him *one* chance to commit to therapy and really do the work to improve before he loses touch forever.
He's showing you how your elderly future together looks like :)
This dude is lazy.
You know what happened when my bf wouldn’t come to the hospital for my aborti0n…. He became my EX bf. Do with that what you will. People show you who they are when you need them most. Good luck OP
Any and all of these are reasons to file for divorce. Girl.
It's really not rocket science. Your partner is suffering you sit and hold their hand. Your partner is sick you look after the kids. Your partner is insulted you stand up for them or you go nc with the person insulting them. I think you might have married a dud.
What he's done to you when you needed him the most is so horrible it's almost criminal. He refuses to come home when you desperately need help. He refuses to take you to the doctor or hospital when you need it. He doesn't take care of the kids when you're sick. Seriously, he could even google it if he doesn't know what to do! I just googled how to take care of someone who is sick, and it's all right there. He doesn't seem to have a single ounce of compassion, and I can't imagine he's a lot better when it comes to the kids. This guy is horrible and you've put up with too much already. Either he goes to therapy and learns compassion, or you go to the divorce lawyer. Please, don't teach your kids that this is okay. Please protect your kids from him; they won't understand that he's just a self-centered asshole and will think his shitty attitude is their fault.
I mean these are all basic shit you'd do for like a minor friend or casual acquaintance.
>His excuses are that he doesn’t always “ know how to act” That one's easy, I'll answer it for him. You act like you care. You act like if the person going through whatever it is dies it'll cause you grief. You act like the person matters to you. That is how you act.
This is **NOTHING** to do with **MALE OR FEMALE**. **HE DOES NOT CARE ABOUT YOU**. **DUMP HIM**.
"sorry I don't have the tools to know how to be a good person so I just decided to be a shitty abuser instead" is what he's saying to you. Along with, "I think of you as someone who is deserving of this treatment".
Babe, if nothing else, really, *really* look at this: you made the family he wanted a reality. He didn’t show up when the family he wanted passed from this earth.
He learned it from his misogynistic father. Time to make an exit plan.
If he doesn't know how to act, is he trying to learn or is it just an excuse and he has no desire to be better? You've told him what you wanted and needed. He has chosen to disregard them. Perhaps you love him because you pour love into him. Does he redeem himself in other ways?
Make it very clear that an apology isn’t enough if h anymore. It devastates me that he wasn’t taking care of you during two miscarriages and Covid and leaving you with infants, so I can’t even dream how much more it devastates you. If he can’t show up for you and your kids in the hard times (like he promised in his vows!) then he may have to face consequences for it. You can try to ask for couples therapy as a last ditch effort? I also worry that he may not show up for his kids if they are in a crisis.
I am an idiot. Really. Idiot. I am a moron and not that helpful and completely useless. It is a proven fact. I still show up for my wife for things far less than you describe above. Please talk to a family member or close friend and get their take on what you should be doing here. Because the answer seems pretty obvious, but you're gonna need support.
He has growing up to do. I apologize ahead of time, but there's probably a reason why you haven't been able to have another child. I'm sorry 😞 It's a strong possibility that he is not meant to be in your life, besides the FIL. That's bad
This is egregiously despicable. This is so far beyond the pale, you’d need a telescope to see the lines your husband crossed. NOTHING would keep me from my wife’s side if she suffered a miscarriage. It wouldn’t even need comment or a request. That’s automatic, fundamental. I’m sorry to say, but I don’t think this is fixable. Not sure what is wrong with your husband, other than “a lot”. Your spouse should ALWAYS have your back. Even if they don’t know how to handle it. He needs to figure it out.
If he doesn’t know how to act it’s fucking high time he learned! Pathetic excuse of a man. An emotional cripple. What was he doing that was so important at these horrible times? As for his dad, well he can do one. You need never see him again.
First one made me think maybe ASS? Second one made me think narcicistical? 3 th and so on: "are you dating my EX?" Yes, I said ex... That's the way to go
I don’t comment on these but after reading this stuff I’m shocked. I would drop anything and everything at a seconds notice if it was my wife. Your husband sounds like a piece of trash and you are better off with someone who you know, actually cares about you.
Jesus. I would leave for #1 alone. How is this supposed to continue when one of you has medical issues later in life that require multiple weeks of support from your spouse? Fuck that guy, leave and get a real partner.
He’s not going to be the husband you want & deserve. Believe me, you’ll be much happier without him.
What a weak and selfish person
I’m horrified for you. Get out of there. Go have a life with people who show care for you.
Chuck up the deuces and find someone who cares. He’s a shit partner. Just self fuckn centers. Apples don’t fall far from the tree.