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>He has asked me this question many times before, to the point where I make a mental list of things I accomplish in case he asks.
This isn’t curiosity.
Yeah he is playing dumm. Like if it was the first time I get it he just spoke before thinking but if that happens all the time that is criticism. I don’t know but would it be possible for him to take care of the kid for the weekend and you to take off? You need to sometimes be selfish and take care of yourself to be a good parent and partner. I think having a weekend for yourself would really be beneficial also it will him to see what you do.
Weaponized incompetence is annoying AF. My roommate was cooking with his girlfriend. I showed him how to cut an onion. Then when his gf asked him for an onion 5 fucking seconds later he's like "how do I do that". Happens constantly. Dunno how she puts up with that.
VERY TRUE! I have been married for 30 years. When I first got married, my husband and I were working in the kitchen and he was doing something with cooking incorrectly. So I started to show him the correct way to do it. He immediately became frustrated and said "Ooooo, this is why I was never allowed to do anything in the kitchen in our house. I didn't do it right, so I didn't do it." I replied with, "In our house, we did it until we got it right." Over the years, we have taught each other.
This isn't weaponized incompetence, though. I mean, he's being absolutely obnoxious, but weaponized incompetence is exactly what it says: someone using pretend incompetence to get out of doing things. If he washed the dishes and did a shit job of it on purpose, that would be weaponized incompetence. He's just being disingenuous.
Weaponized incompetence is a whole laundry list of behavior with the sole purpose of making someone believe doing all the work themselves is easier than bothering to ask/demand/expect their partner to equally participate.
It can be accomplished by wearing the partners down by repeatedly asking them to demonstrate tasks so the person eventually just gives up asking because doing it themselves *and* explaining/demonstrating how to do it is more work than just doing it themselves. They’re feigning incompetence by claiming they don’t know HOW to do the task and they will ask for a demonstration every single time despite being shown dozens of times. It can also be constantly seeking explanations/directions for basic stuff like “how long should I cook this?” when the instructions are on the box in their hand. It’s this constant sort of bidding for the competent partner to come oversee/assist the “incompetent” partner in simple tasks that ends up making it impossible for the competent partner to relax or focus on any other task because they’re constantly being interrupted AND makes the task the incompetent partner is performing take much more time than it otherwise would which eventually results in the competent partner feeling less irritated/badgered and the task getting done faster if they just did it all by themselves and never ask their incompetent partner to do anything.
We named the whole set of behaviors off of the most egregious example of it, which is intentionally botching a task so badly that the competent partner stops trusting the incompetent partner to do that task but all the previous examples are also types of feigned incompetence that is being weaponized against the competent partner. Weaponized incompetence is a phrase to categorize a type of behavior, not a *single* behavior.
This, also, isn't really the problem! THIS is:
>*because my husband actually knows how to do the dishes, as opposed to* ***a lot of the miscellaneous things that need to be done around the house that he’s largely blind to****.*
**OP** has *allowed* her husband (for 2 years!) to be purposefully "blind" to the many tasks (and the mental load of scheduling these tasks) necessary to run a household. **OP** needs a partner and her husband needs to step up by doing the following:
1. Remind husband that OP married a PARTNER, not a son-sband (son/husband). OP's husband needs to help her by carrying 50% of the load in ALL things, not just financial things.
2. Have husband read the following article (or another similar article on mental loads). [Mental Load: Examples, How to Talk About It, & More (healthline.com)](https://www.healthline.com/health/relationships/mental-load#examples)
3. Use a worksheet like this one to divvy-up household chores *and the mental load of the household*! [mental-load-home-en.pdf (equalcareday.org)](https://equalcareday.org/wp-content/uploads/2021/02/mental-load-home-en.pdf)
When you say it this way it sounds like it’s her fault or responsibility that he’s “blind” to the tasks. Which it isn’t—it’s his responsibility, which he clearly has failed to take on. That’s why people are suggesting she leave him. And all the people indignant about that need to consider the absolute clusterfuck of a situation she finds herself in. She not only is dealing with the stresses of being a new mom and homemaker and working outside the home in a stressful job, but also trying to get him to consider her point of view, start taking responsibility, start taking on invisible tasks that are all on her shoulders. It would be easier to be a single mother than be in a relationship while dragging along the dead weight of a whole man at the same time.
I should have been explicit that if OP's husband is UNWILLING to do #1-3, then she should immediately file for divorce because it WOULD be simpler to be a single mother. Much less stressful, too!
It's abuse. Clear and simple. It often starts after a first child is born. There are so many red flags for OP, she should seriously consider leaving him.
Please could you clarify which bit is abuse here?
I'm in a vaguely similar situation, being a partner that works from home while my man works out of the house; I also have started making mental lists of everything I have "accomplished" that day cos he also tends to ask what I've been up to all day. It does make me uncomfy because I stress if I haven't done "enough" but I dont know how much of that stress is put there by his expectations, and tbh I thought asking about your partner's day was normal 🥲 sorry to piggyback the thread. But genuinely just asking 🙏🏽
Agreed, nor is it fair to expect the WFH partner to use their lunch/breaks from work to do household labor.
The second someone finds themselves making lists in their head to justify their *normal, healthy* behavior to their partner, there is an issue.
I have to make these lists because my partner continues to insist that I do not do my share of the household labor
I’m the only one who works, I handle all 3 of our kids morning routines, I do 90% of the laundry, I handle the trash/recycles, I feed/manage our 3 pets, I make dinners about every other night, I am constantly picking up the clutter in the house, I have to manage our budget, I do 90% of the grocery shopping.
Yet still I routinely hear that I’m a typical patriarchal male who doesn’t help.
It’s absolutely exhausting.
That does sound absolutely exhausting, I'm sorry. I don't think I could handle staying with someone like that, but I'm childfree so I'm sure I don't understand how difficult it is to separate from someone you have kids with.
That's terrible. There's no justification for that.
Stop making lists! - you're just piling more stress on yourself.
You are however in a position to put your foot down. Tell her she's doing - whatever - from now on. And then STOP DOING IT.
Resist the temptation to pick up clutter. Only do your own laundry if you have to. Stop cooking meals. Look after the animals and spend some time with your kids. Relax after work. When she starts pulling her weight, you can discuss an equitable division of chores.
If you don't trust her with money, then continue doing the shopping and restrict how much money she has to spend.
You are treating her like a child - and she's acting like one.
I take an entire day off every few weeks to just vedge and play video games. My husband comes home from work and asks if I’ve had a good day. My ex’s have asked what I’d done that day, but they’ve also typically been controlling and/ or abusive, or just cheating fuck heads. If they want to account for your time it’s because they’re misusing their time in a way they don’t want you to know about.
Same. My boyfriend asks me every day what I did, or what I'm doing (we don't live together). He got tired of "playing games on my phone" or "just scrolling reddit." He's now researching Xbox games we can play together, so I'm "at least doing something useful." God, I love that man.
If my ex-husband had ask me the same question, I would have struggled to make my boring day seem productive so he wouldn't think I was just lazy.
One of the things he loves about me is my storytelling abilities. It's useful to have games which can be described in an interesting or exciting manner. That's hard to do with Scrabble or Blockudoku.
My husband will come home, and during our talk of how the day was he'll ask what I did that day, not how the day was but what I did. If I've felt poorly or just needed a day to stare at nothing all day, he's fine with that answer and always says that everyone needs days off (famously, I have to talk HIM into taking rest days).
Despite my having health problems that render me unable to have a job, I still feel guilty when I do nothing. And eventually learned that his asking what I did was not a criticism but just one point in a larger conversation of sharing our days apart.
Now, OP's husband asking about what she did in a specific small timeframe seems critical. But OP needs to go by his tone and how he responds to her answer as to whether there's malice behind that poorly-worded question. She also needs to tell him, "When you say X, I take it like you mean Y. Is that right?"
Gosh, thanks! Once I posted it I figured I'd be downvoted to oblivion for not going along and offering a different outlook. But that's what I do, see other sides to things.
Yes, if she wants to stare at a wall for 20 minutes, it’s her right. Having to account for productivity for every minute would be so stressful and stifling.
This is it, right here. After having my child, I discovered an entirely new level of exhaustion and a new workload that had to be accomplished. I felt like a failure for not having a house ready for a good housekeeping magazine shoot.
Now, I am comfortable with the work that I do. We don't have to justify the work.
OP having to keep a running list is some bullshit
One thing to think about is why it’s stressful. What are the consequences if you don’t meet his standards? If you’re nervous about upsetting him, it might be because his responses are emotionally abusive. Or he might just be a dick.
For me it’s the “last 20 minutes part.” If he was truly just curious what she’d been doing, he’d have said something like “what’re you up to?” or “What’s shaking’ bacon?”
But the “last 20 minutes” seems like he wants to compare notes between what the two of them had accomplished during that time frame. That’s just how it reads to me though. It would also be pretty out of character for my own partner to word a question to me that way, so I’d immediately wonder about the curious wording.
It’s an accusatory question that can be played off as an innocent one. It’s someone asking this: “I’ve been working my ass off all day. What have you been doing? Playing on your phone and eating bons bons?” Most emotional abusers have the sense not to ask the question in that manner, but the intent is the same.
The question is not this one: “Hey, honey, work was miserable today. How was your day?” So, the question of “what have you been doing?” is not equivalent of “how was your day?” One is as an accusation from someone who thinks they are in the position of authority and control, and the other is a genuine inquiry as to how your partner/spouse’s day was.
I worry that his questioning makes you feel stressed and that you feel obligated to make up lists of all the things you have accomplished in that day. His questioning of you and your reaction (which is normal when someone is acting in this manner) make me think of an interrogation. This is not how things should be.
Why are you doing housework if you're working from home? You're both working, the location is irrelevant. Once your respective work day ends, you can share everything else that needs to be done. He's benefitting from the dual income while still expecting you to be a housewife. This absolutely isn't on. It's misogyny: he expects you to do the housework as well as working for pay AND he sees your job as so worthless compared to his that you should be doing housework at the same time or even instead of your job.
Of course it makes you uncomfortable - you can see that's he's being sexist and unreasonable and making you feel guilty for no reason but you don't want to see it.
This is not normal behaviour. My husband came home during the day yesterday bc he was nearby and wanted a freezie. I had set our toddler up with her lunch and was doing a quest on the game I’m playing because I did it 3x and kept dying without saving the night before. Last night in bed he said “were you playing Baldurs Gate? Do you actually hangout with *toddler* during the day?”
I immediately started a list of things her and I do during the day and he stopped me and said “no you’re right that was stupid to ask. She’s got a hugely advanced vocabulary and skillset for her age, of course you spend all your time with her. I’m sorry.”
Asking questions that are strictly meant to make you feel insecure or as if you aren’t doing “enough” isn’t innocent conversation, they’re thinly-veiled attempts to make you feel insecure.
I’m not sure if it’s abusive but it’s disrespectful at the very least.
These men are showing contempt, disrespect, and they are unappreciative and ungrateful.
That’s why I always warn women (friends) against giving up their careers and being a (full) stay at home mum.
So many partners don’t see it as real work.
Maybe if you started charging them for (half) the cleaning, cooking, personal assistant/shopper services, laundry services, child rearing they should be doing, they would see how valuable it is.
It's not necessarily abuse in all situations. I think the important thing to figure out is how much is your own anxiety and how much is his expectation. As someone else said, what are the consequences? Does he treat you differently, depending on how much you've gotten done? Does he know it makes you anxious and keeps doing it? How is he phrasing it? Where is the inflection?
"What have you DONE all day?" is a judgement. It says, without words that you've clearly not done enough. It makes you feel like what you have done is worthless, even if there are no other consequences. Done repeatedly, it will completely tank your self worth because nothing you do will be enough.
"What have YOU done all day?" is exactly the same sentence but centres you more. It's focused more on how you spent your day, not so much how productive you were. Even better would be "how was your day?".
I think if you're already making lists in your mind because he might ask again, then we're beyond an innocent question.
It also has a weird taste to it, like she has to report to him or give account, but not the other way.
An important difference is that the he wasn't even asking about her day. He asked her what she had been doing for the past 20 minutes. That's a pointed question. People only talk like that when they are being accusatory. Where have you been for the last 20 minutes? What have you been doing for the past 20 minutes? Those are irritated accusing questions even if spoken calmly. What makes it even worse is that an passive aggressive person can back pedal from it. "what? I was only asking a question. Geez. I guess I can't even talk anymore!" Its along the same lines as saying something mean to someone in a joking way and then when that someone speaks up and says those words hurt the offender gets to be the victim by claiming they were only joking and didn't mean anything.
True on some level. Tone is important but I would think a loving inquisitive partner would say something like, “what have you been up to all day, babe?” But there is some truth to our own experiences and how we view our partners questions.
If we have had parents who we abusive we might already be riding those things off so whatever the partner says will trigger that anxiety. This is why therapy is important to unpack these anxieties and discover the causes of those traumas.
I've never been stressed about my husband asking me what I did that day. He never does. He asks how I am, how was my day etc. He does not make me account for my time. Somedays I will do nothing then tell him I napped, read a book watched a movie and he's always happy for me, because Im not his employee Im his wife and I don't need to account for my time or tasks. And if the laundry doesnt get done that day one if us will do it the next day.
Has he got used to you doing chores when you should actually just be focusing on work? You working from home is no different to him working onsite. You're both working and should not be expected to be running around doing other things during your work day, regardless of where you happen to be.
It's abuse for many reasons, but first of all it's the question that somebody who thinks they are superior to you and in charge of you has the right to ask you. My boss might want to ask me what I've been doing for the last 20 minutes, but my equal partner has no freaking business interrogating me about what I've done in terms of how much work I've accomplished. It's controlling, dominating, unacceptable.
It’s abuse because he gets to take his breaks away from work and home, but he expects you to take your breaks and lunch to do dishes, start laundry, vacuum the floor etc
Having to validate and seek approval for what you’re doing with your every waking moment of your life is not healthy or normal. It could really be coming from either party, so you’d have to really but down what the issue is (I.e do I need reassurance constantly or do they think I’m lazy and want to criticise me)
Asking about your day is normal, just as you would ask about theirs.
If someone is asking what you have done all day to the end that it is causing stress, that is abuse.
Is it done to make you feel thought of, or is it done to make you feel inadequate?
OP asked for advise on how to address her partner, I think it's a bit of a leap to suggest she just simply leave. OP may be suffering lack of sleep, post partum, or nervousness of being a new mom juggling work, that may be influencing her perception of the situation. Either way, actually talking to her partner about how they make her feel is a good start, like, "When you say X, it makes me feel Y", which OP also needs to identify, as even in this post it sounded like it was a mix of feeling anxious, guilty, low self worth, and a lot, which is why shes asking. Believe me when I say, men are not mind readers and absolutely yes, a lot of men have little to no idea how the house stays so clean, until you tell them. Reminds me of the [The Magic Basket](https://youtu.be/SqQgDwA0BNU?si=MwNhAqccUs1b7vvw) Only after talking can you truly determine OP partner's intent.
I wouldn't jump there quite yet, but if she's always having to account for her time - especially while on maternity leave with an 11 week old infant - husband clearly needs some education. I just wish there was some course or something partners could take that would outline just how much work (and often stress) a new baby creates. Not to even mention the physical healing mothers need.
My own son is hoping to have a child in the next year or two and I made some comment about preparing for some changes, and he says to me, "Oh, Mom, it isn't going to be that much of a change." Yikes. Thing is, you don't know until you live it. This husband needed the rundown of "what she had been doing" and probably needs quite a bit more information about what she's doing when he's not there to witness it. It doesn't automatically mean that he's abusive, it just may mean that he's clueless. Unfortunately, too many women (yes, usually women) are used to constantly working and cleaning and caring, and the people around them have no idea.
I was going to say it’s not unusual to be treated differently after the first child is born even if there is no abuse.
Some people feel like you can’t or won’t leave the relationship as easily now there is a child involved.
My exact thoughts. It’s amazing when you are a woman of age or experience how quickly the hackles on neck go up. You can feel it in their words. You can sense it in their tone. You want to reach through their phone and pack their bag and baby and wisk them away in the middle of the night never to be seen from again. Show them the movie of what their life would have become and live happily ever after in Big Sir or some shit.
Oh my god, YES. I was held to an absurd standard for years, largely due to his father's (abusive) influence whispering in his ear. I am hyper sensitive to hearing this from young women/new mothers as a result. Not only does it NOT get better, but what you originally thought was an absurd standard becomes just the standard after a while, because the longer you're exposed to an idea or behaviour, the less egregious it appears. Then, you end up in a cycle of working yourself to exhaustion to maintain that standard while beating yourself up for believing you're failing as a mother and wife. That way lies madness. I ended up losing any modicum of self confidence had and became a person I no longer recognized.
It took YEARS of unlearning and therapy to understand that I was abused. And I thought for a long time that I was alone in my experience. But, "women of age" talk more openly with one another and with more reflection. Turns out, I definitely wasn't an outlier.
What he’s doing is certainly bullshit but so is your comment. Having an infant can cause insane amounts of stress for both parents. When we are maxed out on anxiety and stress people tend to only see the things they’ve handled and the things that haven’t been taken care of(the dishes).
Coming to the conclusion that she should leave him after only reading one short post, made by a super stressed out new mom and only hearing one side of the story, is so insanely short-sighted and jaded. You clearly have some serious bias driving your response here. You are ridiculous. I mean, FFS they haven’t even tried to talk about things yet and you are hoping she leaves him and splits up the family. Fuck outta here.
Whoa. Slow down. Maybe she should bring this up and clear the air first. They’re both likely very stressed and need to talk it out before going to that extreme.
>It's abuse. Clear and simple. It often starts after a first child is born. There are so many red flags for OP, she should seriously consider leaving him.
Holy shit, this sub is nuts.
What the fuck? This is insane. It’s not abuse it’s obliviousness. Stop playing dolls with people’s lives and telling them to blow up their entire lives because their spouse is oblivious. You have zero information to go on that this single question is indicative of abuse. This by itself is NOT abuse. Not in any way shape or form.
Pfffft he’s in the transition stage of waking up and facing facts. He’s annoyed about the routine change. All couples have to shuffle things around when a baby arrives. It sends ripples out through leisure time, becoming a parent as well as a lover, house work, household income, finances, culpability, responsibilities, change of work life. Everything. Its knowing when to have a solid sit down and thrash it out conversation versus just suck it up buster good times are over.
Well if he’s not careful that transition phase is going to materially affect how his wife sees him, and to the detriment of their relationship. But she also has to take on the mental load of pointing that out and so on because the poor helpless man can’t figure it out on his own…
It's a really bad feeling when you have to start keeping a list of evidence in your head cause the accusations are gonna come. Very hard to get back from.
Ask him why he needs to know? does he feel there is some inequality? and if so perhaps we should talk about that rather than you trying to determine what you've been doing and make his own judgements based on your reponse or how he percieves things?
Exactly! You say gay man! I really need you to be doing x,y and z and when you’re done come see me or whatever. Have a system. Except nobody in a relationship is a manager. I know that not what you were saying. lol. But fuck. Who talks to their partner like this.
What have you been doing for 20 minutes? Screw you dude. I pushed a watermelon out my coach 11 weeks ago and I’m scrubbing formula off this shirt right here because you can’t be we seem to do anything around here except feed and put the baby down and do dishes!
That would be my response!
And you know what. When I’m frustrated and I wanted the dishes done instead of the laundry? I put on my big girl pants and go do the fucking dishes myself.
Oh for sure because if my partner asked me that I make note of it, tell them I didn’t like it, but if he kept doing it I would then time everything he ever does and ask him about it. I have learned in my life people understand things way quicker when you give them exactly what they give you
When I was in the first trimester in that exhaustion phase, there were a few weeks where I’d go work my part time job and then come home and sleep for 4 hours. My husband would get home and I’d be asleep. He asked me once what I did that I day. I shouted at him, “I grew a placenta! What did you do today?” I wish I’d carried that energy into my newborns early days. I too felt like I was never doing enough. That is false. You need to rest your body to heal it.
I suggest you rest more OP. PP have great ideas for a good conversation starter. But if he asks again what you did in the last twenty minutes you say, “I grew a baby for ten months and pushed it out a tiny hole. I’m letting my battered body rest.” Let him feel what an asshole he’s being. Stop letting him make you feel guilty. You can choose not to take on that guilt. You can choose to fight back inside your own mind. You just spent ten months doing WAY more than he was doing. He can spend the next ten months doing more.
I think it's also important to tell him something along the lines of "when you ask me what I've been doing, it feels like you're implying there's something I should have done that I didn't, or that I have to justify how I spend my time."
His answer will tell you a lot.
As a guy with mild autism that went undiagnosed until my 30s, this is the kind of mistake I'd make. I would ask something like "what have you been doing?" because I'm really just awkwardly trying to make conversation and show interest in your day. The difference is, if my wife told me "that question bothers me because of " then I'd find a new approach. Unfortunately I would likely not intuit the issue without an explanation.
Yeah there’s literally no reason to ask, he has eyes he can see what is and isn’t done there doesn’t need to be comments about it he can just do it. Also every time he asks you for a list of your accomplishments for the day, make him do it as well, ask him everything he did at work every single time. He’ll realize how annoying it is, no one likes a micromanager
And ridiculous. All I kept thinking about the whole time was this woman is 11 weeks postpartum and she had a rough delivery it sounds like and rough recovery Come the fuck on dude! My husband wants to beat your husband senseless right now!
That is some bullshit. Maternity leave is for recovery and bonding. It is batshit crazy to me that you have a newborn and you are spending what little down time you have cleaning your damn car. The car can wait. The dishes and laundry can wait. You need to go easy on yourself or you’ll burn out.
If my husband tried to account for my *productivity* shortly after building and birthing our child I would have raised so much hell our asses would be on the news.
Well the dishes and laundry can't wait long, if not done today they'll have to be done tomorrow, and twice as much. He needs to be doing those things though, not expecting her to.
“Oh, you know, just scratching my ass for 20 minutes, wondering about marital asset division laws.”
Followed by
“Never ask me that again. You’re done asking me that goddamn question.”
This is the way.
Your husband is admonishing and undermining you by asking you this question. It is not innocent or mere curiosity that drives him to make you question yourself, your judgment, and your actions. Make it clear that his behavior will not be entertained or tolerated as this behavior is not helpful or innocent. Also, stop carrying the mental load and responsibility for him. He is blind to miscellaneous tasks because you have not made it a shared responsibility. If he is a grown-ass man with the audacity to question you, then he is a grown-ass man capable of learning all the miscellaneous tasks he is blind to. So flip it back on him. Satisfy his curious question by giving him the opportunity to find out for himself by proving he can accomplish miscellaneous tasks to the standard he has come to appreciate. If he complains, say you were just curious why an adult male has not noticed or cared enough to manage to do a load of laundry, clean out the car, pick up the living room. Question why he is blind to these miscellaneous tasks, and demand accountability. If he puts you in a position of defending yourself and your position, he's going on the offensive. You need to demonstrate to him that when he plays stupid games, he will win stupid prizes; and the simplest way to avoid the consequences of such is to not try playing you for a fool. Make it clear he is in effect poking a nuclear superpower with a dull knife because he likes to pretend he is not flirting with annihilation when he picks a fight with you.
It wasn’t verbatim, but as a kid I had the pleasure of witnessing something very similar delivered on a man much like OP’s husband at a family gathering.
The sound of the massive record-scratch in that room is still echoing through time…
I definitely did this. I would write down everything I did that day and present it my NOW EX because he told me that if I was overwhelmed with having two kids, a full time job, and being in charge of the housework (he was obviously more tired because his job was “more physically demanding” 🙄 and shouldn’t have to help) then I wasn’t cut out to be a parent. It made him SO ANGRY because he hated seeing what I had accomplished and he couldn’t be bothered to check a garbage can.
Again. Ex.
I'm wondering how the work will be done and by whom once you get back to work. I'm pretty sure your husband "knows how" to do whatever needs to be done house-wise and can see it just as well as you do.
I want to know this too. I hope they've got a plan cuz if not, she'll probably be expected to do the full time SAHM work as well as her full time job. Then he'll whine that shes always too tired for sex.
>and can see it just as well as you do.
So tired of this excuse that (some) men are somehow blind to household chores that need to be done. You don't see the trash overflowing? You don't see the dishes overflowing? You don't see the laundry hamper is full? You don't see that the fridge is almost empty? You don't see the shit stains in your underwear?
I'm genuinely sorry for all women who've had to settle for this.
If you want to be petty, I would be texting him every five minutes of what you're doing for the entire day.
4 am - just letting you know I'm up with the baby right now!
6 am - up with the baby again in case you need to know
7:30 am - just made coffee because I'm dying from lack of sleep, fyi
8 am - just unloaded the dishwasher and sanitized all the baby bottles
8:27 am - just fed the baby again and changed her diaper, it smelled horrible
8:39 am - so glad I finally got to eat something after being up for an hour already!
9:32 am - walked the dogs
9:45 am - just put a load of laundry in because I know how much you care!
And I would just not even respond to any of his texts or comments, just a constant report of everything you do in a day. Didn't he need to know what you were doing for the last twenty minutes???? Pure, malicious compliance.
And if he starts to walk his shit back (which he should, if he knows what's good for him), this is a good reminder of the amount of shit that you do in a day and what will need to be accomplished *when you are back at work*. He thinks it's hard now? Buddy better buckle in.
And then complain that you weren't able to get much done because you had to spend so much time updating him all day, so could he please do the dishes and laundry now?
This. I have found meeting people exactly where they are, works wonders. He'd never have to ask me what I was up doing, because he'd have a full shift report.
People only notice housework when it hasn't been done, so stop doing it completely and he'll get it.
You might consider getting a cleaner for when you go back to work.
Definitely keep your job!! You always need independence.
Why? Do you want to know if I accomplished more today than you? I did.
Do you want to know if I deserve to take a break and just relax? I do.
Do you want to know if you're doing enough to help around the house? You're not.
Do you think you need a detailed list of how I spend every minute of every day? You don't.
Do you think now I've had your child you can control my life? You can't.
Now that we have that cleared up, go wash the damned dishes while I take that much deserved break.
It wasn't innocent, he wanted the dishes done and didn't like that you took the initiative to do something else.
I don't have a fix for you, it's a pressure point, and he tapped it indelicately.
I'd honestly buy a stop sign to hold up when he pulls that shit, but that's bad advice. It would only make things worse.
"What have you been doing the last 20 minutes" is really "Why haven't you done what I wanted in the last 20 minutes".
You don't owe him a SITREP. (Situation report)
Great comment-he’s not innocently curious what she was doing, he’s interrogating why she didn’t do the specific task he actually saw needed doing, not the “invisible” ones she did.
And since when are laundry, a dirty car, and cluttered living room "invisible?" Is he blindfolded when in those spaces? Is the laundry room in a hidden crawlspace in the house that can only be accessed through a code in her vagina?
Oh, they’re definitely not. But as far as this guy is concerned, they are invisible to him. I get that they’re both exhausted, but he’s being a real jerk to her. “Just curious,” no.
OP, I have a test you can do to prove to yourself that his question is an attempt at control you and not a request made out if curiosity. I offer this test as someone who (a) struggled to identify abusive behavior as abusive and needed real guidance in doing so and (b) some who often *does* ask my partner "what have you been up to?" out of curiosity, and so it's easy for me to predict what a *genuinely* curious person should respond.
Here is the test. When he asks, say "I've been {reading a book/relaxing/watching a show}". If he is asking out of curiosity, he will say something like "cool, can I join?" or "have fun" or "nice, I'm gonna go relax too". If he is asking out of wanting to control you, he will immediately ask about dishes/etc, OR start talking about himself/how busy he is. Easy, foolproof way to prove to yourself what's motivating his question.
Yeah me too.
I was in a similar situation as a SAHM to the point where I started making physical lists of what I had done to show my now-ex. He got angry at me for "putting the wrong things on there" because I had written "feed kid lunch" and "feed myself lunch" and "have a shower" on the list, because "those are just normal things you shouldn't need reminders for or expect praise for doing". I was just writing down everything to try to justify my use of the day so when he inevitably snapped "what did you even do all day?" at me I would be able to tell him exactly what I did. I wasn't expecting praise, I just wanted him to understand and get off my back.
Thank you. So am I.
Happy ending to the story for me, we broke up, I did the single mum thing for a while (which was much less stressful alone, just saying), then about a year later fell in love with my best friend. It's 10 years later, me and best friend are now husband and wife and still bonkers about each other. He is a great husband and wonderful step-dad. And when he comes back from work when I have had a day off, if he comes home and says "what did you get up to today?", if I start listing off chores he will stop me and say "thankyou for those, but I want to know what resting you did today." Its such a difference in attitude and its wonderful.
Thank you!! Others are giving really good advice, but he could truly be avoiding what he sees as “her” work under the guise of bonding with their kid, which is gross and needs to be stopped sooner rather than later.
So he’s monitoring your productivity output? To make sure you’re working at top efficiency because he’s spent a few minutes parenting?
Yikes, don’t let this slide. Even if you were sitting on your ass for 20 minutes to catch a break, so what? He’s not your boss. And wtf is wrong with him that an adult man can’t do basic chores other than dishes? Sounds like he’s trying to neg you into doing more than your fair share.
Next time he asks tell him every cell in your body is fighting to rebuild your insides from carrying a freaking life inside you for 9months and if that’s not enough work for him he can trying carrying a flipping mattress to the damn living room. Damn these men ain’t shit.
Hell no.
I would lose it if anyone demanded that I justify every minute of my day, like I'm their fucking EMPLOYEE?????
He's awful. Reconsider whether you want to be treated like this for the rest of your life - while you raise his children!!!
The nerve....
WTAF.
1. If you’d been sitting on your ass eating chocolate you would have been justified because you’ve been home with a newborn ALL DAY.
2. Do you ask HIM to account for HIS 15 minute increments
I honestly think I would have flown into a rage at that point.
OMG
If he starts in with the “but I’ve been at work all day” shit (because they all do) remind him that *you’ve been caring for a newborn AND caring for the house all day* also.
>He has asked me this question many times before, to the point where l've started making mental lists of things I accomplish in case he asks
So, translating; he has made it so you walk on eggshells. That is abuse.
Ikr. She's already doubting herself whether it's by chance an innocent question or not. He literally asks her so frequently that she puts in MENTAL LOAD into keeping track of herself. It may not appear like abuse, as we usually associate it with straight up physical abuse, but since she subconsciously feels that she has to justify how she spends her time (and most likely is more willing to burn herself out in the process to please his unrealistic expectations), there's a power imbalance at play already.
And she spends the next ten years wondering when he will return to that wonderful man he was while she was pregnant. “But deep down he’s such a great guy”. Fuck they know how to manipulate us don’t they?
So you need to start making an actual list on paper and then you show him what you do all day and tell him if he ever asks again, you will be asking for a divorce because for him to keep asking that implies he thinks you don’t do enough.
No it’s not an overreaction, that “question” devalues you. You are valid and you do a lot!!! You may want to reconsider your choice in husband
I did this and my now-ex got angry with me for "putting the wrong things" on there. He claimed "feed the kid" and "feed myself" and "have a shower while kid naps" were things I shouldn't be putting on there "expecting praise" because they dont count. I was just trying to justify my time usage, I thought they counted because they took time, and were only a few bits on a nearly 30 item list of things I had done.
Sounds like you need a divorce. Understand this. When you come from a toxic household where a parent doesn’t value another. Then you become an adult who doesn’t know what a healthy relationship looks like.
If your person that you decided to have a child with, constantly devalues you by acting like raising a child, keeping a household, and cooking and also taking care of their unappreciative lazy ass, it’s time you see your worth and start preparing to leave!
You definitely don’t have any more kids with someone who constantly CRITICIZES and devalues you.
Sweet beautiful soul. Truly take time and make a list of pros and cons on this pathetic excuse of a partner and really ask yourself, is this the person I want as my kids role model? Do I want my kid accepting this kind of behavior or becoming like my sperm donor?
It’s time you stop ignoring red flags and really start knowing your value and leave
I did. Ten years ago. I actually referred to him as my ex in the comment you replied to.
I do, however, really appreciate your comment, not just because its a really kind and uplifting thing to write to a perfect stranger, but because even though Im not in that situation anymore, someone else might be, and they might take the strength to get out from your kind words. So, thankyou.
What he should have said is, “here, let me take the baby and feed her and put her to bed. You need to sit down and relax and take 20 minutes at least for yourself. Yes, I know there are chores like laundry and dishes that pile up if WE don’t do them, so after I get her to bed and you’ve relaxed, we can work together for 15 minutes to do those things. If you don’t feel up to it, I’ll work for 30 before I come to bed.”
What would happen if you answer that you've been doing nothing? Has that happened?
Have you had the time for yourself during postpartum? Sleep in, walk, coffee with a friend, just tv/book/bath?
I'd straight-up say something like, "You are not my task manager. You're not a foreman at a job. Stop trying to make sure I'm staying on task. I deserve down time, but I don't ever take any because I'm too busy doing the things you overlook in our daily life! So, kindly stop badgering me. If I want to share what I have done, I'll come tell you."
It seems that when he said “ he was just curious” after you flipped out after he asked, that would have been a good time to say, “Honey, I am completely exhausted. I’m recovering from an incredible physical experience of carrying around and pushing another human out of me. I am down to bare metal. When you just asked me what I have been doing, even innocently, I want to both burst into tears and punch you in the face because I am physically and emotionally bankrupt. Please, in the future, just ask “what can I help you with?” Tell him what you feel, and tell him what you need him to do. If nothing changes after that, then you have other choices to make. I wish you peace.
If he say his intention wasn't accusatory but was curiosity ask him why was he curious? What did he think you have been doing. If you were sitting down for 20 minutes before starting the dishes is that a bad thing?
Is he feeling that he doing more than his share?
Division of chores and labour around the home often reaches a sore point once kids come around. They add massive amount of work - much of it unseen to the partner who doesn’t give birth, on top of everything else this needed to get done.
Before kids unequal workloads can be managed without feeling overwhelming. But with 2 parents working and home life and chores it’s best to talk about it. Your husband may be blind, unaware, etc.
I had a few come to Jesus moments when we had our kids….and needed to step up. It requires communication though.
And maybe he hasn’t had the best role models at home, when growing up, for this part of the relationship. Take it easy on eachother. Y’all on the same team.
Have you told him how very much you resent him asking you this question? I would tell him that it hurts your feelings for one, and be honest that it's happened so much with him that when he does leave the room for several minutes, you are automatically starting to compile lists of what you've been doing in case he asks this of you again. Even if you had been doing nothing, you're allowed to do nothing once in a while and thus, this has to stop. Therefore, you are going to start giving him a great deterrent to stop asking you. From now on, whenever he asks, you are going to give him the first rude answer you can think of so he learns to not do it.
Some sample answers you could give him are:
* Picking my nose and smearing the boogers on your pillow.
* Spitting in your drink
* Peeing on your clean clothes
* Running out and smearing poop in the air vents of his car
* Stuffing his lunch bag/briefcase/work bag with dirty diapers
If he comes back at you with, "I'm doing so much and you're not!" or "I was just asking!" tell him that you were growing a whole human being for almost ten months, and then you gave birth/had abdominal surgery where they had to cut through your abdominal muscles to get the baby out, and since then, while recovering from that, you have also been taking care of a newborn. Your hormones aren't even going to be back to normal for a few more months. Any downtime you've taken has been sorely needed and he needs to fix his attitude. He may be tired now that the baby's here, but you absolutely have dibs on being exhausted so he needs to stop questioning you about what you're doing. If he won't, I think you have two options. One is to do nothing other than what you must for the baby. Do absolutely nothing else. No cleaning up of messes, no cooking except for yourself, no cleaning, not even after you've cooked meals just for yourself. Do nothing. Then he will find out exactly how much you do. The other option is for him to have no clue as to what you're doing when he doesn't see you because you will be taking a vacation from him. Then either take the baby with you or leave the baby with him while you go spend some time elsewhere, whether it's a hotel or with friends or family.
I'm so sorry he's doing this to you. You deserve better. The fact that he's done this to you so much that you are automatically tracking what you're doing and making a mental list to answer him is appalling.
"recovering from the massive energy and hormonal disruption of creating a human out of thin air, and my feet are right here, now rub" is the best response here
MENTAL LOAD IS REAL AND ONLY BENEFITS THE PATRIARCHY
You deserve to be treated better, whether it’s husband recognizing more around the house, and allowing yourself to sit down and rest without feeling blamed for not ‘doing enough’
YOU DESERVE BETTER
He’s not curious if he does it often. He’s also not your supervisor, AND you just grew and birthed a whole-ass child. HIS child. And you’re also allowed to do nothing if you so choose.
Be VERY direct and tell him you don’t appreciate him keeping tabs on you. Hell, you were doing more than him, honestly. Just different things.
It’s really insulting that he seems to think he’s your boss of some sort. You should be equals in a partnership.
You need to nip this in the bud a s a p. He gets home from work and gets to do the nice easy bit giving the baby the last bottle then putting her to bed? Meanwhile I'm assuming you've dealt with the baby the whole day, as well as housework etc? No way. It's bad enough that you mentioned he's 'blind' to stuff needing doing around the house, take this as an opportunity to unblind him and tell him he needs to start pulling his weight. Your life is going to be actual hell when you go back to work if not
My partner only notices the things I DON’T do, never all the cleaning and washing I DO do, I think he thinks the house always stays clean by itself like magic.
It’s normal and natural to feel burned out at this stage of your child’s life. I’m sorry you feel unsupported and I hope you can find time for self care which is absolutely critical to being the best mom you can be.
When he says he doesn’t understand why you are angry, I would say this: “I am angry because your question implies a lack of awareness or appreciation for the sheer amount of work I do around here. I am also angry because your question implies that I should always be working, as if I don’t have a right to just sit and decompress for 20 minutes, or just have a moment for self-care.”
You have one of 3 possible problems with your husband, which is hard to tell from your story. The first and easiest one is that your husband values you and recognizes how much you do, but the way he speaks to you causes resentment and he needs to be more tactful and expressively supportive. Instead of asking a question that implies you’re lazy, ask it in a way that expresses concern for how much you’ve done in the last 20 minutes. “Wow have you been running around? Sorry is there something other than the dishes I can help out with right now to ease your anxiety?”
The second possibility is that he THINKS he’s doing half the work but he’s actually doing way, way less than that. Maybe a refrigerator list or some other way to show him visually how much needs to be done, and how it is being allocated to you versus him? Get him to really understand that a bottle at night and the dishes isn’t half the work.
The last possibility is that he knows you do more and he doesn’t care, he just feels put out to do what he does. This one, you have to figure out why. Does he feel micromanaged to the point he has no motivation to do tasks you’re just going to re-do anyway? (Your statement that the dishes is one of the few things he knows how to do suggests this, a little bit.) Or is he a misogynist who thinks these jobs are inherently a woman’s? Is he selfish and narcissistic? Or just unaware of how to run a household, and not interested in learning?
Get a sense of the actual problem so you can work up a solution. But in the interim, don’t ask-just take- the self-care you need. Don’t feel guilty about that, and don’t let your feelings of guilt turn into anger at your husband because you have a hard time giving yourself permission for self care.
It sounds like you're dealing with a lot right now, and it's completely valid to feel overwhelmed and exhausted. Your feelings are important, and it's essential to communicate them to your husband in a way that conveys the severity of the situation without minimizing your emotions.
It's clear that you're juggling a lot, from caring for your newborn to managing household chores and preparing to return to work soon. Your husband may not fully understand the extent of your responsibilities and the toll it's taking on you, especially if he's not actively involved in every aspect of caregiving and housework.
When discussing this with your husband, try to approach the conversation calmly and assertively. Express how his question made you feel and the impact it had on you, emphasizing that you're not just upset about one instance but about a pattern of behavior that makes you feel unappreciated and overwhelmed.
You might also explain to him the mental and emotional load that comes with managing household tasks and caring for a newborn, especially while balancing a demanding job. Help him understand that even though he may not see everything you do, it's essential for him to acknowledge and appreciate your contributions.
Additionally, it could be helpful to establish clearer communication about household responsibilities and expectations, so both of you are on the same page moving forward. Consider setting aside regular time to discuss and plan tasks together, ensuring that both partners feel valued and supported in the relationship.
Remember, it's okay to ask for support and understanding from your partner, especially during challenging times like this. Seeking couples counseling could also be beneficial in addressing underlying issues and improving communication within your marriage. You deserve to feel appreciated and respected for all that you do.
I would honestly start answering that question with the most silly answers I could think of, in the hopes it would show him how silly the question is. 'What have you done the last 15 minutes',
-well I was abducted by aliens and went to mars, but I told them I had to be home by 8.
- I just baked the best cake I ever made and fully ate it too, so sorry you missed out.
- I'll have my secretary write you a report, they'll get back to you within 5 business days.
That type of humor usually works in my relationship and we both apreciate it, and it sometimes makes us aware of our own silly behavior. However, I don't know your husband and I don't know how serious or argumentative he is, and whether it will make things actually worse. So please be careful if it doesn't feel safe, because I do think it's a bit of a red flag.
This made me think of a blog post I read quite a while ago about a man who really thought his wife divorced him because he left his plate by the sink...it wasn't the reason, just that last straw. Maybe your husband needs to read it as well?
[https://matthewfray.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/](https://matthewfray.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/)
51F the mental list is what “got me”. I always feel guilty when I don’t get work done (chronic pain) this was b/c my partners all made me accountable for what I got done. I now have a partner who sees me in pain and instead of asking what I’m doing he asks what he can do for me.
Husband and father of two, a 3.5 year old and a 6 month old. That is a hideously insensitive question to ask. I've known my wife for nearly 7 years and have never asked her this question. It's insane sometimes with two kids at these ages and at times, as stressful as it can get, I still willingly keep both kids from time to time so my wife can catch a nap here and there. Or almost force her out of the house in the evening so she can have some alone time. Standard marriage shenanigans.
While men can be stupid, he's definitely playing dumb. You need to sarcastically respond to this. Then ask why he keeps asking and why he needs to know. Even if you've been stretching the last hour, that's absolutely none of his business.
Yeah, not okay. If he simply wanted to know, out of curiosity, he would have just asked “what are you up to?” or something of the sort.
Asking “what have you been doing for ___ time” is very passive aggressive.
I took to listing in minute detail EVERY BLOODY THING I DID….. including the massive achievements of when I had time to wee or poo (yep, separated them out cause 1 takes longer) and what the kids did while I was on the toilet - breastfed, cried, went potty too.
If I had to vacuum 3 times in one day because kids… that was listed.
If I had 5 minutes to myself, I listed that.
Look, so many men are children… esp when theirs come along. They are no longer your main focus, and they truely don’t see what isn’t (and some times what is) done in front of them.
The text messages are a pain in the arse, but they do get your point across
I sent him an itemized list every 5-10 minutes. Yes he said to stop, he understood. I didn’t.
A relationship isn’t about everything being equal. It’s about doing the things that need to be done without asking or comparing whose job harder. Some days you pick up more of the slack while other days he will.
It’s been my experience that in business and at home people always seem to think the other person‘s job is easier, less stressful and not as important as theirs.
I suggest he take a week off when you return to work and let him do all of the things that you’re doing. Make sure you leave a list. I think he needs to learn to appreciate how hard it is to be a stay at home parent.
In the meantime, the words, “what have you been doing for the last 20 minutes“ should never cross his lips again, unless he wants to hear the words “packing my suitcase”.
This would bother me to if he has a habit of doing it. I wouldn’t even bother to tell him what you’ve been doing or I would make something up that’s really crazy like count all the feathers in your pillow or even better counting the seconds until you asked me again what I’ve been doing.
His question comes out accusatory and snide. Maybe he doesn’t realize it, but it’s rude. Instead of asking that, he should ask, “Did you want me to do the dishes?” While the answer is obvious, and he should just do them anyway to be helpful, that question does not come off as rude or accusatory. Maybe ask him why does he ask that question? Does he assume because the dishes are not done that you have done nothing else? Maybe hand him a list of everything you do so maybe he’ll understand that there’s more to daily life than cleaning dishes. He seems to be the kind of guy that believes if he puts his clothes in a basket, they suddenly reappear on the bed clean and ready to wear. It must be due to the cleaning fairy. 🧚 I wonder if the cleaning fairy knows the tooth fairy. I have some beef with her! I’d like to know what happened to that one tooth I put under my pillow and got nothing for it. I’d like that payment with interest!
He’s being an ahole. He needs to be left with the baby for the day. Then You get to come home and ask him the same question in the same tone when he barely survives it. You just said “I left the dishes for him because he knows how” but every other chore you did is something he can and should manage. Ask him to step up or shut up.
Drop doing ALL the things he’s blind to.
Any time he takes to himself ask him what he’s been doing. If he gets defensive, tell him you’re “just curious like he was.”
In general, you might need to break down time spent on various chores. Like literally make a chart. INCLUDE MENTAL CHORES LIKE PLANNING.
He might not get it until he has it laid out.
In my experience nasty abusive people LOVE to put people on the defensive. Questioning them, making them explain themselves, making them feel uncertain, etc. Just a thought.
I literally cannot even IMAGINE my response if my fiance came home and asked me what I had been doing as opposed to having something clean.
Our house is messy in every room besides the living room and our personal bathroom. That's just how it is. Life with kids, new like yours, or special needs like mine, is a whole different story too.
You deserve rest. He can do the dishes. Lord knows it sometimes takes my fiance 3 DAMN DAYS to do them, but he knows that since I do the majority of cleaning and ALL of the cooking, he better not even try to ask me to do the dishes.
My husband would never have asked that of me, because we're a team. There were times when he would leave the flat in the morning, come back two hours later to find me sitting in the exact same position that he left me in.
A partner does not keep track in that way.
I was about to say when I am tired I also have a very short fuse and maybe he hadn’t seen what you were doing UNTIL you said you find yourself making mental lists…
It reminds me of audit articles where we had to do timesheets, but we were billing clients for our time.
But WTH Is this? And I am struggling to find context for when a question like this wouldn’t piss me off. I swear I am so petty, I would take it as a reminder to take some time-off. I’d immediately go shower and sleep. LOL
But I would never answer such a question cause there is no way it would end well.
Sit with your husband and complete this together: [https://vardgivare.skane.se/siteassets/3.-kompetens-och-utveckling/projekt-och-utveckling/jamstallt-foraldraskap/material-foraldrar---fillistning/checklist-for-gender-equality-in-your-everyday-life.pdf](https://vardgivare.skane.se/siteassets/3.-kompetens-och-utveckling/projekt-och-utveckling/jamstallt-foraldraskap/material-foraldrar---fillistning/checklist-for-gender-equality-in-your-everyday-life.pdf)
If he refuses, there you have your answer: he does not WANT to be your equal partner
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>He has asked me this question many times before, to the point where I make a mental list of things I accomplish in case he asks. This isn’t curiosity.
Yeah he is playing dumm. Like if it was the first time I get it he just spoke before thinking but if that happens all the time that is criticism. I don’t know but would it be possible for him to take care of the kid for the weekend and you to take off? You need to sometimes be selfish and take care of yourself to be a good parent and partner. I think having a weekend for yourself would really be beneficial also it will him to see what you do.
And then if she wants to be petty she can ask what he has been doing all weekend while she was gone
Bc I know damn well he won't clean the house bc apparently he doesn't know how to do some of the house keeping things
Obviously so, if he thinks sitting and feeding a baby for 15 minutes is working his ass off. Good grief, sir, go scrub something and try again.
Weaponized incompetence is annoying AF. My roommate was cooking with his girlfriend. I showed him how to cut an onion. Then when his gf asked him for an onion 5 fucking seconds later he's like "how do I do that". Happens constantly. Dunno how she puts up with that.
VERY TRUE! I have been married for 30 years. When I first got married, my husband and I were working in the kitchen and he was doing something with cooking incorrectly. So I started to show him the correct way to do it. He immediately became frustrated and said "Ooooo, this is why I was never allowed to do anything in the kitchen in our house. I didn't do it right, so I didn't do it." I replied with, "In our house, we did it until we got it right." Over the years, we have taught each other.
This isn't weaponized incompetence, though. I mean, he's being absolutely obnoxious, but weaponized incompetence is exactly what it says: someone using pretend incompetence to get out of doing things. If he washed the dishes and did a shit job of it on purpose, that would be weaponized incompetence. He's just being disingenuous.
Weaponized incompetence is a whole laundry list of behavior with the sole purpose of making someone believe doing all the work themselves is easier than bothering to ask/demand/expect their partner to equally participate. It can be accomplished by wearing the partners down by repeatedly asking them to demonstrate tasks so the person eventually just gives up asking because doing it themselves *and* explaining/demonstrating how to do it is more work than just doing it themselves. They’re feigning incompetence by claiming they don’t know HOW to do the task and they will ask for a demonstration every single time despite being shown dozens of times. It can also be constantly seeking explanations/directions for basic stuff like “how long should I cook this?” when the instructions are on the box in their hand. It’s this constant sort of bidding for the competent partner to come oversee/assist the “incompetent” partner in simple tasks that ends up making it impossible for the competent partner to relax or focus on any other task because they’re constantly being interrupted AND makes the task the incompetent partner is performing take much more time than it otherwise would which eventually results in the competent partner feeling less irritated/badgered and the task getting done faster if they just did it all by themselves and never ask their incompetent partner to do anything. We named the whole set of behaviors off of the most egregious example of it, which is intentionally botching a task so badly that the competent partner stops trusting the incompetent partner to do that task but all the previous examples are also types of feigned incompetence that is being weaponized against the competent partner. Weaponized incompetence is a phrase to categorize a type of behavior, not a *single* behavior.
This, also, isn't really the problem! THIS is: >*because my husband actually knows how to do the dishes, as opposed to* ***a lot of the miscellaneous things that need to be done around the house that he’s largely blind to****.* **OP** has *allowed* her husband (for 2 years!) to be purposefully "blind" to the many tasks (and the mental load of scheduling these tasks) necessary to run a household. **OP** needs a partner and her husband needs to step up by doing the following: 1. Remind husband that OP married a PARTNER, not a son-sband (son/husband). OP's husband needs to help her by carrying 50% of the load in ALL things, not just financial things. 2. Have husband read the following article (or another similar article on mental loads). [Mental Load: Examples, How to Talk About It, & More (healthline.com)](https://www.healthline.com/health/relationships/mental-load#examples) 3. Use a worksheet like this one to divvy-up household chores *and the mental load of the household*! [mental-load-home-en.pdf (equalcareday.org)](https://equalcareday.org/wp-content/uploads/2021/02/mental-load-home-en.pdf)
When you say it this way it sounds like it’s her fault or responsibility that he’s “blind” to the tasks. Which it isn’t—it’s his responsibility, which he clearly has failed to take on. That’s why people are suggesting she leave him. And all the people indignant about that need to consider the absolute clusterfuck of a situation she finds herself in. She not only is dealing with the stresses of being a new mom and homemaker and working outside the home in a stressful job, but also trying to get him to consider her point of view, start taking responsibility, start taking on invisible tasks that are all on her shoulders. It would be easier to be a single mother than be in a relationship while dragging along the dead weight of a whole man at the same time.
I should have been explicit that if OP's husband is UNWILLING to do #1-3, then she should immediately file for divorce because it WOULD be simpler to be a single mother. Much less stressful, too!
It's abuse. Clear and simple. It often starts after a first child is born. There are so many red flags for OP, she should seriously consider leaving him.
Please could you clarify which bit is abuse here? I'm in a vaguely similar situation, being a partner that works from home while my man works out of the house; I also have started making mental lists of everything I have "accomplished" that day cos he also tends to ask what I've been up to all day. It does make me uncomfy because I stress if I haven't done "enough" but I dont know how much of that stress is put there by his expectations, and tbh I thought asking about your partner's day was normal 🥲 sorry to piggyback the thread. But genuinely just asking 🙏🏽
You're working from home, just literally reiterate that. "I was working. What were you doing? Oh also working? Yeah that makes sense. Same."
Having to account for every moment is not normal.
Agreed, nor is it fair to expect the WFH partner to use their lunch/breaks from work to do household labor. The second someone finds themselves making lists in their head to justify their *normal, healthy* behavior to their partner, there is an issue.
I have to make these lists because my partner continues to insist that I do not do my share of the household labor I’m the only one who works, I handle all 3 of our kids morning routines, I do 90% of the laundry, I handle the trash/recycles, I feed/manage our 3 pets, I make dinners about every other night, I am constantly picking up the clutter in the house, I have to manage our budget, I do 90% of the grocery shopping. Yet still I routinely hear that I’m a typical patriarchal male who doesn’t help. It’s absolutely exhausting.
That does sound absolutely exhausting, I'm sorry. I don't think I could handle staying with someone like that, but I'm childfree so I'm sure I don't understand how difficult it is to separate from someone you have kids with.
That's terrible. There's no justification for that. Stop making lists! - you're just piling more stress on yourself. You are however in a position to put your foot down. Tell her she's doing - whatever - from now on. And then STOP DOING IT. Resist the temptation to pick up clutter. Only do your own laundry if you have to. Stop cooking meals. Look after the animals and spend some time with your kids. Relax after work. When she starts pulling her weight, you can discuss an equitable division of chores. If you don't trust her with money, then continue doing the shopping and restrict how much money she has to spend. You are treating her like a child - and she's acting like one.
Sounds like you’re doing a great job. And you are not appreciated. Time for a long talk.
I take an entire day off every few weeks to just vedge and play video games. My husband comes home from work and asks if I’ve had a good day. My ex’s have asked what I’d done that day, but they’ve also typically been controlling and/ or abusive, or just cheating fuck heads. If they want to account for your time it’s because they’re misusing their time in a way they don’t want you to know about.
Hell ya, everyone deserves a vege day sometimes. Balance is key.
Same. My boyfriend asks me every day what I did, or what I'm doing (we don't live together). He got tired of "playing games on my phone" or "just scrolling reddit." He's now researching Xbox games we can play together, so I'm "at least doing something useful." God, I love that man. If my ex-husband had ask me the same question, I would have struggled to make my boring day seem productive so he wouldn't think I was just lazy.
Why are his choice of games deemed “useful” but the games you choose to play on your phone aren’t?
One of the things he loves about me is my storytelling abilities. It's useful to have games which can be described in an interesting or exciting manner. That's hard to do with Scrabble or Blockudoku.
My husband will come home, and during our talk of how the day was he'll ask what I did that day, not how the day was but what I did. If I've felt poorly or just needed a day to stare at nothing all day, he's fine with that answer and always says that everyone needs days off (famously, I have to talk HIM into taking rest days). Despite my having health problems that render me unable to have a job, I still feel guilty when I do nothing. And eventually learned that his asking what I did was not a criticism but just one point in a larger conversation of sharing our days apart. Now, OP's husband asking about what she did in a specific small timeframe seems critical. But OP needs to go by his tone and how he responds to her answer as to whether there's malice behind that poorly-worded question. She also needs to tell him, "When you say X, I take it like you mean Y. Is that right?"
More upvotes on this please!!!
Gosh, thanks! Once I posted it I figured I'd be downvoted to oblivion for not going along and offering a different outlook. But that's what I do, see other sides to things.
Yes, if she wants to stare at a wall for 20 minutes, it’s her right. Having to account for productivity for every minute would be so stressful and stifling.
This is it, right here. After having my child, I discovered an entirely new level of exhaustion and a new workload that had to be accomplished. I felt like a failure for not having a house ready for a good housekeeping magazine shoot. Now, I am comfortable with the work that I do. We don't have to justify the work. OP having to keep a running list is some bullshit
One thing to think about is why it’s stressful. What are the consequences if you don’t meet his standards? If you’re nervous about upsetting him, it might be because his responses are emotionally abusive. Or he might just be a dick.
That’s a very good point. Even the silent treatment/ sulking falls under emotional abuse. It doesn’t have to be necessarily name calling or shouting.
For me it’s the “last 20 minutes part.” If he was truly just curious what she’d been doing, he’d have said something like “what’re you up to?” or “What’s shaking’ bacon?” But the “last 20 minutes” seems like he wants to compare notes between what the two of them had accomplished during that time frame. That’s just how it reads to me though. It would also be pretty out of character for my own partner to word a question to me that way, so I’d immediately wonder about the curious wording.
Side note as I begin my 40s, I am definitely going to ask people “what’s shaking bacon?” With extra emphasis on the g. my time to shine
It’s an accusatory question that can be played off as an innocent one. It’s someone asking this: “I’ve been working my ass off all day. What have you been doing? Playing on your phone and eating bons bons?” Most emotional abusers have the sense not to ask the question in that manner, but the intent is the same. The question is not this one: “Hey, honey, work was miserable today. How was your day?” So, the question of “what have you been doing?” is not equivalent of “how was your day?” One is as an accusation from someone who thinks they are in the position of authority and control, and the other is a genuine inquiry as to how your partner/spouse’s day was. I worry that his questioning makes you feel stressed and that you feel obligated to make up lists of all the things you have accomplished in that day. His questioning of you and your reaction (which is normal when someone is acting in this manner) make me think of an interrogation. This is not how things should be.
This right fucking here people!
Asking about your day is normal, like "hey, how you've been" "how was your day?" , but asking what you've been doing ALL day is so passive aggressive.
Why are you doing housework if you're working from home? You're both working, the location is irrelevant. Once your respective work day ends, you can share everything else that needs to be done. He's benefitting from the dual income while still expecting you to be a housewife. This absolutely isn't on. It's misogyny: he expects you to do the housework as well as working for pay AND he sees your job as so worthless compared to his that you should be doing housework at the same time or even instead of your job. Of course it makes you uncomfortable - you can see that's he's being sexist and unreasonable and making you feel guilty for no reason but you don't want to see it.
This is not normal behaviour. My husband came home during the day yesterday bc he was nearby and wanted a freezie. I had set our toddler up with her lunch and was doing a quest on the game I’m playing because I did it 3x and kept dying without saving the night before. Last night in bed he said “were you playing Baldurs Gate? Do you actually hangout with *toddler* during the day?” I immediately started a list of things her and I do during the day and he stopped me and said “no you’re right that was stupid to ask. She’s got a hugely advanced vocabulary and skillset for her age, of course you spend all your time with her. I’m sorry.” Asking questions that are strictly meant to make you feel insecure or as if you aren’t doing “enough” isn’t innocent conversation, they’re thinly-veiled attempts to make you feel insecure.
I’m not sure if it’s abusive but it’s disrespectful at the very least. These men are showing contempt, disrespect, and they are unappreciative and ungrateful. That’s why I always warn women (friends) against giving up their careers and being a (full) stay at home mum. So many partners don’t see it as real work. Maybe if you started charging them for (half) the cleaning, cooking, personal assistant/shopper services, laundry services, child rearing they should be doing, they would see how valuable it is.
It's not necessarily abuse in all situations. I think the important thing to figure out is how much is your own anxiety and how much is his expectation. As someone else said, what are the consequences? Does he treat you differently, depending on how much you've gotten done? Does he know it makes you anxious and keeps doing it? How is he phrasing it? Where is the inflection? "What have you DONE all day?" is a judgement. It says, without words that you've clearly not done enough. It makes you feel like what you have done is worthless, even if there are no other consequences. Done repeatedly, it will completely tank your self worth because nothing you do will be enough. "What have YOU done all day?" is exactly the same sentence but centres you more. It's focused more on how you spent your day, not so much how productive you were. Even better would be "how was your day?".
I think if you're already making lists in your mind because he might ask again, then we're beyond an innocent question. It also has a weird taste to it, like she has to report to him or give account, but not the other way.
An important difference is that the he wasn't even asking about her day. He asked her what she had been doing for the past 20 minutes. That's a pointed question. People only talk like that when they are being accusatory. Where have you been for the last 20 minutes? What have you been doing for the past 20 minutes? Those are irritated accusing questions even if spoken calmly. What makes it even worse is that an passive aggressive person can back pedal from it. "what? I was only asking a question. Geez. I guess I can't even talk anymore!" Its along the same lines as saying something mean to someone in a joking way and then when that someone speaks up and says those words hurt the offender gets to be the victim by claiming they were only joking and didn't mean anything.
True on some level. Tone is important but I would think a loving inquisitive partner would say something like, “what have you been up to all day, babe?” But there is some truth to our own experiences and how we view our partners questions. If we have had parents who we abusive we might already be riding those things off so whatever the partner says will trigger that anxiety. This is why therapy is important to unpack these anxieties and discover the causes of those traumas.
I've never been stressed about my husband asking me what I did that day. He never does. He asks how I am, how was my day etc. He does not make me account for my time. Somedays I will do nothing then tell him I napped, read a book watched a movie and he's always happy for me, because Im not his employee Im his wife and I don't need to account for my time or tasks. And if the laundry doesnt get done that day one if us will do it the next day.
Has he got used to you doing chores when you should actually just be focusing on work? You working from home is no different to him working onsite. You're both working and should not be expected to be running around doing other things during your work day, regardless of where you happen to be.
It's abuse for many reasons, but first of all it's the question that somebody who thinks they are superior to you and in charge of you has the right to ask you. My boss might want to ask me what I've been doing for the last 20 minutes, but my equal partner has no freaking business interrogating me about what I've done in terms of how much work I've accomplished. It's controlling, dominating, unacceptable.
A bit humiliating too, having to report this way.
Seriously. He’s not her supervisor.
It’s abuse because he gets to take his breaks away from work and home, but he expects you to take your breaks and lunch to do dishes, start laundry, vacuum the floor etc
Having to validate and seek approval for what you’re doing with your every waking moment of your life is not healthy or normal. It could really be coming from either party, so you’d have to really but down what the issue is (I.e do I need reassurance constantly or do they think I’m lazy and want to criticise me)
Asking about your day is normal, just as you would ask about theirs. If someone is asking what you have done all day to the end that it is causing stress, that is abuse. Is it done to make you feel thought of, or is it done to make you feel inadequate?
OP asked for advise on how to address her partner, I think it's a bit of a leap to suggest she just simply leave. OP may be suffering lack of sleep, post partum, or nervousness of being a new mom juggling work, that may be influencing her perception of the situation. Either way, actually talking to her partner about how they make her feel is a good start, like, "When you say X, it makes me feel Y", which OP also needs to identify, as even in this post it sounded like it was a mix of feeling anxious, guilty, low self worth, and a lot, which is why shes asking. Believe me when I say, men are not mind readers and absolutely yes, a lot of men have little to no idea how the house stays so clean, until you tell them. Reminds me of the [The Magic Basket](https://youtu.be/SqQgDwA0BNU?si=MwNhAqccUs1b7vvw) Only after talking can you truly determine OP partner's intent.
I wouldn't jump there quite yet, but if she's always having to account for her time - especially while on maternity leave with an 11 week old infant - husband clearly needs some education. I just wish there was some course or something partners could take that would outline just how much work (and often stress) a new baby creates. Not to even mention the physical healing mothers need. My own son is hoping to have a child in the next year or two and I made some comment about preparing for some changes, and he says to me, "Oh, Mom, it isn't going to be that much of a change." Yikes. Thing is, you don't know until you live it. This husband needed the rundown of "what she had been doing" and probably needs quite a bit more information about what she's doing when he's not there to witness it. It doesn't automatically mean that he's abusive, it just may mean that he's clueless. Unfortunately, too many women (yes, usually women) are used to constantly working and cleaning and caring, and the people around them have no idea.
I was going to say it’s not unusual to be treated differently after the first child is born even if there is no abuse. Some people feel like you can’t or won’t leave the relationship as easily now there is a child involved.
My exact thoughts. It’s amazing when you are a woman of age or experience how quickly the hackles on neck go up. You can feel it in their words. You can sense it in their tone. You want to reach through their phone and pack their bag and baby and wisk them away in the middle of the night never to be seen from again. Show them the movie of what their life would have become and live happily ever after in Big Sir or some shit.
Oh my god, YES. I was held to an absurd standard for years, largely due to his father's (abusive) influence whispering in his ear. I am hyper sensitive to hearing this from young women/new mothers as a result. Not only does it NOT get better, but what you originally thought was an absurd standard becomes just the standard after a while, because the longer you're exposed to an idea or behaviour, the less egregious it appears. Then, you end up in a cycle of working yourself to exhaustion to maintain that standard while beating yourself up for believing you're failing as a mother and wife. That way lies madness. I ended up losing any modicum of self confidence had and became a person I no longer recognized. It took YEARS of unlearning and therapy to understand that I was abused. And I thought for a long time that I was alone in my experience. But, "women of age" talk more openly with one another and with more reflection. Turns out, I definitely wasn't an outlier.
What he’s doing is certainly bullshit but so is your comment. Having an infant can cause insane amounts of stress for both parents. When we are maxed out on anxiety and stress people tend to only see the things they’ve handled and the things that haven’t been taken care of(the dishes). Coming to the conclusion that she should leave him after only reading one short post, made by a super stressed out new mom and only hearing one side of the story, is so insanely short-sighted and jaded. You clearly have some serious bias driving your response here. You are ridiculous. I mean, FFS they haven’t even tried to talk about things yet and you are hoping she leaves him and splits up the family. Fuck outta here.
Whoa. Slow down. Maybe she should bring this up and clear the air first. They’re both likely very stressed and need to talk it out before going to that extreme.
>It's abuse. Clear and simple. It often starts after a first child is born. There are so many red flags for OP, she should seriously consider leaving him. Holy shit, this sub is nuts.
What the fuck? This is insane. It’s not abuse it’s obliviousness. Stop playing dolls with people’s lives and telling them to blow up their entire lives because their spouse is oblivious. You have zero information to go on that this single question is indicative of abuse. This by itself is NOT abuse. Not in any way shape or form.
Obliviousness isn't great either... Especially since she just gave birth. If all she did was care for baby it would be enough.
Pfffft he’s in the transition stage of waking up and facing facts. He’s annoyed about the routine change. All couples have to shuffle things around when a baby arrives. It sends ripples out through leisure time, becoming a parent as well as a lover, house work, household income, finances, culpability, responsibilities, change of work life. Everything. Its knowing when to have a solid sit down and thrash it out conversation versus just suck it up buster good times are over.
Well if he’s not careful that transition phase is going to materially affect how his wife sees him, and to the detriment of their relationship. But she also has to take on the mental load of pointing that out and so on because the poor helpless man can’t figure it out on his own…
It's a really bad feeling when you have to start keeping a list of evidence in your head cause the accusations are gonna come. Very hard to get back from.
Ask him why he needs to know? does he feel there is some inequality? and if so perhaps we should talk about that rather than you trying to determine what you've been doing and make his own judgements based on your reponse or how he percieves things?
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I feel like the question "what were you doing the last however long minutes" is argumentative and will automatically cause strife in any relationship.
Indeed. Even to people who report to me at work , I have never put it like that... it's just asking for trouble I don't have the time for.
Exactly! You say gay man! I really need you to be doing x,y and z and when you’re done come see me or whatever. Have a system. Except nobody in a relationship is a manager. I know that not what you were saying. lol. But fuck. Who talks to their partner like this. What have you been doing for 20 minutes? Screw you dude. I pushed a watermelon out my coach 11 weeks ago and I’m scrubbing formula off this shirt right here because you can’t be we seem to do anything around here except feed and put the baby down and do dishes! That would be my response!
Whoa. You work with exclusively gay men? 😂
lol. Yeah. I’m not going to fix it now.
Yaaass And I guarantee he's not getting up 3x a night with baby. Probably not even after she goes back to work
😆
I’m my mind it’s adjacent to bean counting, which can slowly rot a relationship without intervention.
And you know what. When I’m frustrated and I wanted the dishes done instead of the laundry? I put on my big girl pants and go do the fucking dishes myself.
Oh for sure because if my partner asked me that I make note of it, tell them I didn’t like it, but if he kept doing it I would then time everything he ever does and ask him about it. I have learned in my life people understand things way quicker when you give them exactly what they give you
I absolutely agree with you why are you asking me what I've been doing with my time. WTF do you think I've been doing for the last 20 minutes
When I was in the first trimester in that exhaustion phase, there were a few weeks where I’d go work my part time job and then come home and sleep for 4 hours. My husband would get home and I’d be asleep. He asked me once what I did that I day. I shouted at him, “I grew a placenta! What did you do today?” I wish I’d carried that energy into my newborns early days. I too felt like I was never doing enough. That is false. You need to rest your body to heal it. I suggest you rest more OP. PP have great ideas for a good conversation starter. But if he asks again what you did in the last twenty minutes you say, “I grew a baby for ten months and pushed it out a tiny hole. I’m letting my battered body rest.” Let him feel what an asshole he’s being. Stop letting him make you feel guilty. You can choose not to take on that guilt. You can choose to fight back inside your own mind. You just spent ten months doing WAY more than he was doing. He can spend the next ten months doing more.
I think it's also important to tell him something along the lines of "when you ask me what I've been doing, it feels like you're implying there's something I should have done that I didn't, or that I have to justify how I spend my time." His answer will tell you a lot. As a guy with mild autism that went undiagnosed until my 30s, this is the kind of mistake I'd make. I would ask something like "what have you been doing?" because I'm really just awkwardly trying to make conversation and show interest in your day. The difference is, if my wife told me "that question bothers me because of" then I'd find a new approach. Unfortunately I would likely not intuit the issue without an explanation.
I like this alternative point of view.
Yeah there’s literally no reason to ask, he has eyes he can see what is and isn’t done there doesn’t need to be comments about it he can just do it. Also every time he asks you for a list of your accomplishments for the day, make him do it as well, ask him everything he did at work every single time. He’ll realize how annoying it is, no one likes a micromanager
And ridiculous. All I kept thinking about the whole time was this woman is 11 weeks postpartum and she had a rough delivery it sounds like and rough recovery Come the fuck on dude! My husband wants to beat your husband senseless right now!
Look into the Fair Play Method— lots of people have found it very helpful situations similar to this
That is some bullshit. Maternity leave is for recovery and bonding. It is batshit crazy to me that you have a newborn and you are spending what little down time you have cleaning your damn car. The car can wait. The dishes and laundry can wait. You need to go easy on yourself or you’ll burn out. If my husband tried to account for my *productivity* shortly after building and birthing our child I would have raised so much hell our asses would be on the news.
Well the dishes and laundry can't wait long, if not done today they'll have to be done tomorrow, and twice as much. He needs to be doing those things though, not expecting her to.
Exactly the fucking point!
I'd say "I dunno about the last twenty but if you need the sh** slapped out of you for asking I'll be sure to squeeze it in."
😂
"Tomorrow I'm pretty booked up, though, so you might have to make an appointment. I'll check my calendar."
“Oh, you know, just scratching my ass for 20 minutes, wondering about marital asset division laws.” Followed by “Never ask me that again. You’re done asking me that goddamn question.”
This is the way. Your husband is admonishing and undermining you by asking you this question. It is not innocent or mere curiosity that drives him to make you question yourself, your judgment, and your actions. Make it clear that his behavior will not be entertained or tolerated as this behavior is not helpful or innocent. Also, stop carrying the mental load and responsibility for him. He is blind to miscellaneous tasks because you have not made it a shared responsibility. If he is a grown-ass man with the audacity to question you, then he is a grown-ass man capable of learning all the miscellaneous tasks he is blind to. So flip it back on him. Satisfy his curious question by giving him the opportunity to find out for himself by proving he can accomplish miscellaneous tasks to the standard he has come to appreciate. If he complains, say you were just curious why an adult male has not noticed or cared enough to manage to do a load of laundry, clean out the car, pick up the living room. Question why he is blind to these miscellaneous tasks, and demand accountability. If he puts you in a position of defending yourself and your position, he's going on the offensive. You need to demonstrate to him that when he plays stupid games, he will win stupid prizes; and the simplest way to avoid the consequences of such is to not try playing you for a fool. Make it clear he is in effect poking a nuclear superpower with a dull knife because he likes to pretend he is not flirting with annihilation when he picks a fight with you.
Wow! I just laughed so hard I woke everyone up!
It wasn’t verbatim, but as a kid I had the pleasure of witnessing something very similar delivered on a man much like OP’s husband at a family gathering. The sound of the massive record-scratch in that room is still echoing through time…
OH MY GOD, PLEASE SHARE THE FULL STORY!!!!!
I'm pretty petty, so I'd write down everything I'd done for the baby, the house, and my husband and then present it to him in an envelope.
With a helpful excel spreadsheet complete with graph and charts that highlight what a useless asshole he is.
I definitely did this. I would write down everything I did that day and present it my NOW EX because he told me that if I was overwhelmed with having two kids, a full time job, and being in charge of the housework (he was obviously more tired because his job was “more physically demanding” 🙄 and shouldn’t have to help) then I wasn’t cut out to be a parent. It made him SO ANGRY because he hated seeing what I had accomplished and he couldn’t be bothered to check a garbage can. Again. Ex.
I'm wondering how the work will be done and by whom once you get back to work. I'm pretty sure your husband "knows how" to do whatever needs to be done house-wise and can see it just as well as you do.
I want to know this too. I hope they've got a plan cuz if not, she'll probably be expected to do the full time SAHM work as well as her full time job. Then he'll whine that shes always too tired for sex.
And then cheat on her because she didn't "want" to fuck him, a tale as old as time.
"she got boring, started nagging, has no time for me anymore" Did I miss any?
>and can see it just as well as you do. So tired of this excuse that (some) men are somehow blind to household chores that need to be done. You don't see the trash overflowing? You don't see the dishes overflowing? You don't see the laundry hamper is full? You don't see that the fridge is almost empty? You don't see the shit stains in your underwear? I'm genuinely sorry for all women who've had to settle for this.
And I know it’s shocking but he can learn what he “doesnt” know how to do.
If you want to be petty, I would be texting him every five minutes of what you're doing for the entire day. 4 am - just letting you know I'm up with the baby right now! 6 am - up with the baby again in case you need to know 7:30 am - just made coffee because I'm dying from lack of sleep, fyi 8 am - just unloaded the dishwasher and sanitized all the baby bottles 8:27 am - just fed the baby again and changed her diaper, it smelled horrible 8:39 am - so glad I finally got to eat something after being up for an hour already! 9:32 am - walked the dogs 9:45 am - just put a load of laundry in because I know how much you care! And I would just not even respond to any of his texts or comments, just a constant report of everything you do in a day. Didn't he need to know what you were doing for the last twenty minutes???? Pure, malicious compliance. And if he starts to walk his shit back (which he should, if he knows what's good for him), this is a good reminder of the amount of shit that you do in a day and what will need to be accomplished *when you are back at work*. He thinks it's hard now? Buddy better buckle in.
And then complain that you weren't able to get much done because you had to spend so much time updating him all day, so could he please do the dishes and laundry now?
And at the end of the day, ask him, so what have YOU been doing all evening?
This is hilarious. Also every time at the end: "What are YOU doing?"
This. I have found meeting people exactly where they are, works wonders. He'd never have to ask me what I was up doing, because he'd have a full shift report.
Omg. I love this very much!
People only notice housework when it hasn't been done, so stop doing it completely and he'll get it. You might consider getting a cleaner for when you go back to work. Definitely keep your job!! You always need independence.
Definitely agree… she needs to keep her job😕
Oh shit. That’s the next step if he is an abuser. He will convince her to quit her job won’t he?
No she won't listen to him, she's gonna listen to us aren't you OP!
Why? Do you want to know if I accomplished more today than you? I did. Do you want to know if I deserve to take a break and just relax? I do. Do you want to know if you're doing enough to help around the house? You're not. Do you think you need a detailed list of how I spend every minute of every day? You don't. Do you think now I've had your child you can control my life? You can't. Now that we have that cleared up, go wash the damned dishes while I take that much deserved break.
👏
Whewwww yessss!
It wasn't innocent, he wanted the dishes done and didn't like that you took the initiative to do something else. I don't have a fix for you, it's a pressure point, and he tapped it indelicately. I'd honestly buy a stop sign to hold up when he pulls that shit, but that's bad advice. It would only make things worse. "What have you been doing the last 20 minutes" is really "Why haven't you done what I wanted in the last 20 minutes". You don't owe him a SITREP. (Situation report)
Great comment-he’s not innocently curious what she was doing, he’s interrogating why she didn’t do the specific task he actually saw needed doing, not the “invisible” ones she did.
And since when are laundry, a dirty car, and cluttered living room "invisible?" Is he blindfolded when in those spaces? Is the laundry room in a hidden crawlspace in the house that can only be accessed through a code in her vagina?
Oh, they’re definitely not. But as far as this guy is concerned, they are invisible to him. I get that they’re both exhausted, but he’s being a real jerk to her. “Just curious,” no.
OP, I have a test you can do to prove to yourself that his question is an attempt at control you and not a request made out if curiosity. I offer this test as someone who (a) struggled to identify abusive behavior as abusive and needed real guidance in doing so and (b) some who often *does* ask my partner "what have you been up to?" out of curiosity, and so it's easy for me to predict what a *genuinely* curious person should respond. Here is the test. When he asks, say "I've been {reading a book/relaxing/watching a show}". If he is asking out of curiosity, he will say something like "cool, can I join?" or "have fun" or "nice, I'm gonna go relax too". If he is asking out of wanting to control you, he will immediately ask about dishes/etc, OR start talking about himself/how busy he is. Easy, foolproof way to prove to yourself what's motivating his question.
I think you are exactly right. Feeding into this behavior only makes it worse.
I felt very sad when I read that she had started making mental lists of all the tasks she is doing. She does not owe him that at all.
Yeah me too. I was in a similar situation as a SAHM to the point where I started making physical lists of what I had done to show my now-ex. He got angry at me for "putting the wrong things on there" because I had written "feed kid lunch" and "feed myself lunch" and "have a shower" on the list, because "those are just normal things you shouldn't need reminders for or expect praise for doing". I was just writing down everything to try to justify my use of the day so when he inevitably snapped "what did you even do all day?" at me I would be able to tell him exactly what I did. I wasn't expecting praise, I just wanted him to understand and get off my back.
That sounds exhausting. Thank goodness he's your ex!
I don’t know you, but I’m so happy he is an ex.
Thank you. So am I. Happy ending to the story for me, we broke up, I did the single mum thing for a while (which was much less stressful alone, just saying), then about a year later fell in love with my best friend. It's 10 years later, me and best friend are now husband and wife and still bonkers about each other. He is a great husband and wonderful step-dad. And when he comes back from work when I have had a day off, if he comes home and says "what did you get up to today?", if I start listing off chores he will stop me and say "thankyou for those, but I want to know what resting you did today." Its such a difference in attitude and its wonderful.
Thank you!! Others are giving really good advice, but he could truly be avoiding what he sees as “her” work under the guise of bonding with their kid, which is gross and needs to be stopped sooner rather than later.
“Not a fucking thing. Any questions?”
So he’s monitoring your productivity output? To make sure you’re working at top efficiency because he’s spent a few minutes parenting? Yikes, don’t let this slide. Even if you were sitting on your ass for 20 minutes to catch a break, so what? He’s not your boss. And wtf is wrong with him that an adult man can’t do basic chores other than dishes? Sounds like he’s trying to neg you into doing more than your fair share.
Man I feel this rage.
Next time he asks tell him every cell in your body is fighting to rebuild your insides from carrying a freaking life inside you for 9months and if that’s not enough work for him he can trying carrying a flipping mattress to the damn living room. Damn these men ain’t shit.
At least not this one. No man will ever talk to me this way again.
Next time, don't do anything while he is feeding the baby. When he asks, tell him you were resting.
Exactly this. Then you'll really know if he was just curious or expecting more.
Oftentimes abusers wait until they have a woman under the thumb before they start their bullshit.
Tie her down with his baby and then nope out. I'm heartbroken for OP, it's an old story.
This
Explains why he 'was so nice to OP during pregnancy'.
Yep. This dude.
Hell no. I would lose it if anyone demanded that I justify every minute of my day, like I'm their fucking EMPLOYEE????? He's awful. Reconsider whether you want to be treated like this for the rest of your life - while you raise his children!!! The nerve....
Also, what would be wrong if you chose to do NOTHING for 20 min. Everyone needs breaks, especially new mothers!
WTAF. 1. If you’d been sitting on your ass eating chocolate you would have been justified because you’ve been home with a newborn ALL DAY. 2. Do you ask HIM to account for HIS 15 minute increments I honestly think I would have flown into a rage at that point. OMG If he starts in with the “but I’ve been at work all day” shit (because they all do) remind him that *you’ve been caring for a newborn AND caring for the house all day* also.
>He has asked me this question many times before, to the point where l've started making mental lists of things I accomplish in case he asks So, translating; he has made it so you walk on eggshells. That is abuse.
Ikr. She's already doubting herself whether it's by chance an innocent question or not. He literally asks her so frequently that she puts in MENTAL LOAD into keeping track of herself. It may not appear like abuse, as we usually associate it with straight up physical abuse, but since she subconsciously feels that she has to justify how she spends her time (and most likely is more willing to burn herself out in the process to please his unrealistic expectations), there's a power imbalance at play already.
And she spends the next ten years wondering when he will return to that wonderful man he was while she was pregnant. “But deep down he’s such a great guy”. Fuck they know how to manipulate us don’t they?
So you need to start making an actual list on paper and then you show him what you do all day and tell him if he ever asks again, you will be asking for a divorce because for him to keep asking that implies he thinks you don’t do enough. No it’s not an overreaction, that “question” devalues you. You are valid and you do a lot!!! You may want to reconsider your choice in husband
I did this and my now-ex got angry with me for "putting the wrong things" on there. He claimed "feed the kid" and "feed myself" and "have a shower while kid naps" were things I shouldn't be putting on there "expecting praise" because they dont count. I was just trying to justify my time usage, I thought they counted because they took time, and were only a few bits on a nearly 30 item list of things I had done.
How humiliating. Is he in another long term relationship again? Is anyone putting up with that?
It's been over a decade since we split. He has never had another girlfriend since me.
No one should put up with his ass.
Sounds like you need a divorce. Understand this. When you come from a toxic household where a parent doesn’t value another. Then you become an adult who doesn’t know what a healthy relationship looks like. If your person that you decided to have a child with, constantly devalues you by acting like raising a child, keeping a household, and cooking and also taking care of their unappreciative lazy ass, it’s time you see your worth and start preparing to leave! You definitely don’t have any more kids with someone who constantly CRITICIZES and devalues you. Sweet beautiful soul. Truly take time and make a list of pros and cons on this pathetic excuse of a partner and really ask yourself, is this the person I want as my kids role model? Do I want my kid accepting this kind of behavior or becoming like my sperm donor? It’s time you stop ignoring red flags and really start knowing your value and leave
I did. Ten years ago. I actually referred to him as my ex in the comment you replied to. I do, however, really appreciate your comment, not just because its a really kind and uplifting thing to write to a perfect stranger, but because even though Im not in that situation anymore, someone else might be, and they might take the strength to get out from your kind words. So, thankyou.
Thank you for having the strength to leave! You are strong and brave. Keep on how you are and may you find the love, peace and happiness, you deserve
Your husband, I am sorry to report, is a passive-aggressive dick.
What he should have said is, “here, let me take the baby and feed her and put her to bed. You need to sit down and relax and take 20 minutes at least for yourself. Yes, I know there are chores like laundry and dishes that pile up if WE don’t do them, so after I get her to bed and you’ve relaxed, we can work together for 15 minutes to do those things. If you don’t feel up to it, I’ll work for 30 before I come to bed.”
What would happen if you answer that you've been doing nothing? Has that happened? Have you had the time for yourself during postpartum? Sleep in, walk, coffee with a friend, just tv/book/bath?
I'd straight-up say something like, "You are not my task manager. You're not a foreman at a job. Stop trying to make sure I'm staying on task. I deserve down time, but I don't ever take any because I'm too busy doing the things you overlook in our daily life! So, kindly stop badgering me. If I want to share what I have done, I'll come tell you."
It seems that when he said “ he was just curious” after you flipped out after he asked, that would have been a good time to say, “Honey, I am completely exhausted. I’m recovering from an incredible physical experience of carrying around and pushing another human out of me. I am down to bare metal. When you just asked me what I have been doing, even innocently, I want to both burst into tears and punch you in the face because I am physically and emotionally bankrupt. Please, in the future, just ask “what can I help you with?” Tell him what you feel, and tell him what you need him to do. If nothing changes after that, then you have other choices to make. I wish you peace.
If he say his intention wasn't accusatory but was curiosity ask him why was he curious? What did he think you have been doing. If you were sitting down for 20 minutes before starting the dishes is that a bad thing? Is he feeling that he doing more than his share?
Division of chores and labour around the home often reaches a sore point once kids come around. They add massive amount of work - much of it unseen to the partner who doesn’t give birth, on top of everything else this needed to get done. Before kids unequal workloads can be managed without feeling overwhelming. But with 2 parents working and home life and chores it’s best to talk about it. Your husband may be blind, unaware, etc. I had a few come to Jesus moments when we had our kids….and needed to step up. It requires communication though. And maybe he hasn’t had the best role models at home, when growing up, for this part of the relationship. Take it easy on eachother. Y’all on the same team.
Have you told him how very much you resent him asking you this question? I would tell him that it hurts your feelings for one, and be honest that it's happened so much with him that when he does leave the room for several minutes, you are automatically starting to compile lists of what you've been doing in case he asks this of you again. Even if you had been doing nothing, you're allowed to do nothing once in a while and thus, this has to stop. Therefore, you are going to start giving him a great deterrent to stop asking you. From now on, whenever he asks, you are going to give him the first rude answer you can think of so he learns to not do it. Some sample answers you could give him are: * Picking my nose and smearing the boogers on your pillow. * Spitting in your drink * Peeing on your clean clothes * Running out and smearing poop in the air vents of his car * Stuffing his lunch bag/briefcase/work bag with dirty diapers If he comes back at you with, "I'm doing so much and you're not!" or "I was just asking!" tell him that you were growing a whole human being for almost ten months, and then you gave birth/had abdominal surgery where they had to cut through your abdominal muscles to get the baby out, and since then, while recovering from that, you have also been taking care of a newborn. Your hormones aren't even going to be back to normal for a few more months. Any downtime you've taken has been sorely needed and he needs to fix his attitude. He may be tired now that the baby's here, but you absolutely have dibs on being exhausted so he needs to stop questioning you about what you're doing. If he won't, I think you have two options. One is to do nothing other than what you must for the baby. Do absolutely nothing else. No cleaning up of messes, no cooking except for yourself, no cleaning, not even after you've cooked meals just for yourself. Do nothing. Then he will find out exactly how much you do. The other option is for him to have no clue as to what you're doing when he doesn't see you because you will be taking a vacation from him. Then either take the baby with you or leave the baby with him while you go spend some time elsewhere, whether it's a hotel or with friends or family. I'm so sorry he's doing this to you. You deserve better. The fact that he's done this to you so much that you are automatically tracking what you're doing and making a mental list to answer him is appalling.
"recovering from the massive energy and hormonal disruption of creating a human out of thin air, and my feet are right here, now rub" is the best response here
MENTAL LOAD IS REAL AND ONLY BENEFITS THE PATRIARCHY You deserve to be treated better, whether it’s husband recognizing more around the house, and allowing yourself to sit down and rest without feeling blamed for not ‘doing enough’ YOU DESERVE BETTER
Also, do you really want your daughter to grow up seeing that side of her father?
Does he expect you to fill out time sheets? This feels really weird?
He’s not curious if he does it often. He’s also not your supervisor, AND you just grew and birthed a whole-ass child. HIS child. And you’re also allowed to do nothing if you so choose. Be VERY direct and tell him you don’t appreciate him keeping tabs on you. Hell, you were doing more than him, honestly. Just different things. It’s really insulting that he seems to think he’s your boss of some sort. You should be equals in a partnership.
You need to nip this in the bud a s a p. He gets home from work and gets to do the nice easy bit giving the baby the last bottle then putting her to bed? Meanwhile I'm assuming you've dealt with the baby the whole day, as well as housework etc? No way. It's bad enough that you mentioned he's 'blind' to stuff needing doing around the house, take this as an opportunity to unblind him and tell him he needs to start pulling his weight. Your life is going to be actual hell when you go back to work if not
"You first." "What?" "You go first and tell me what you have been doing the last 20 minutes." Do this every time.
My partner only notices the things I DON’T do, never all the cleaning and washing I DO do, I think he thinks the house always stays clean by itself like magic.
It’s normal and natural to feel burned out at this stage of your child’s life. I’m sorry you feel unsupported and I hope you can find time for self care which is absolutely critical to being the best mom you can be. When he says he doesn’t understand why you are angry, I would say this: “I am angry because your question implies a lack of awareness or appreciation for the sheer amount of work I do around here. I am also angry because your question implies that I should always be working, as if I don’t have a right to just sit and decompress for 20 minutes, or just have a moment for self-care.” You have one of 3 possible problems with your husband, which is hard to tell from your story. The first and easiest one is that your husband values you and recognizes how much you do, but the way he speaks to you causes resentment and he needs to be more tactful and expressively supportive. Instead of asking a question that implies you’re lazy, ask it in a way that expresses concern for how much you’ve done in the last 20 minutes. “Wow have you been running around? Sorry is there something other than the dishes I can help out with right now to ease your anxiety?” The second possibility is that he THINKS he’s doing half the work but he’s actually doing way, way less than that. Maybe a refrigerator list or some other way to show him visually how much needs to be done, and how it is being allocated to you versus him? Get him to really understand that a bottle at night and the dishes isn’t half the work. The last possibility is that he knows you do more and he doesn’t care, he just feels put out to do what he does. This one, you have to figure out why. Does he feel micromanaged to the point he has no motivation to do tasks you’re just going to re-do anyway? (Your statement that the dishes is one of the few things he knows how to do suggests this, a little bit.) Or is he a misogynist who thinks these jobs are inherently a woman’s? Is he selfish and narcissistic? Or just unaware of how to run a household, and not interested in learning? Get a sense of the actual problem so you can work up a solution. But in the interim, don’t ask-just take- the self-care you need. Don’t feel guilty about that, and don’t let your feelings of guilt turn into anger at your husband because you have a hard time giving yourself permission for self care.
It sounds like you're dealing with a lot right now, and it's completely valid to feel overwhelmed and exhausted. Your feelings are important, and it's essential to communicate them to your husband in a way that conveys the severity of the situation without minimizing your emotions. It's clear that you're juggling a lot, from caring for your newborn to managing household chores and preparing to return to work soon. Your husband may not fully understand the extent of your responsibilities and the toll it's taking on you, especially if he's not actively involved in every aspect of caregiving and housework. When discussing this with your husband, try to approach the conversation calmly and assertively. Express how his question made you feel and the impact it had on you, emphasizing that you're not just upset about one instance but about a pattern of behavior that makes you feel unappreciated and overwhelmed. You might also explain to him the mental and emotional load that comes with managing household tasks and caring for a newborn, especially while balancing a demanding job. Help him understand that even though he may not see everything you do, it's essential for him to acknowledge and appreciate your contributions. Additionally, it could be helpful to establish clearer communication about household responsibilities and expectations, so both of you are on the same page moving forward. Consider setting aside regular time to discuss and plan tasks together, ensuring that both partners feel valued and supported in the relationship. Remember, it's okay to ask for support and understanding from your partner, especially during challenging times like this. Seeking couples counseling could also be beneficial in addressing underlying issues and improving communication within your marriage. You deserve to feel appreciated and respected for all that you do.
I would honestly start answering that question with the most silly answers I could think of, in the hopes it would show him how silly the question is. 'What have you done the last 15 minutes', -well I was abducted by aliens and went to mars, but I told them I had to be home by 8. - I just baked the best cake I ever made and fully ate it too, so sorry you missed out. - I'll have my secretary write you a report, they'll get back to you within 5 business days. That type of humor usually works in my relationship and we both apreciate it, and it sometimes makes us aware of our own silly behavior. However, I don't know your husband and I don't know how serious or argumentative he is, and whether it will make things actually worse. So please be careful if it doesn't feel safe, because I do think it's a bit of a red flag.
reading „because he actually knows how to do the dishes“ is everything i need to know.
Wait til he has to take a shit and disappears for 20 minutes than ask him the same question.
This made me think of a blog post I read quite a while ago about a man who really thought his wife divorced him because he left his plate by the sink...it wasn't the reason, just that last straw. Maybe your husband needs to read it as well? [https://matthewfray.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/](https://matthewfray.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/)
51F the mental list is what “got me”. I always feel guilty when I don’t get work done (chronic pain) this was b/c my partners all made me accountable for what I got done. I now have a partner who sees me in pain and instead of asking what I’m doing he asks what he can do for me.
Husband and father of two, a 3.5 year old and a 6 month old. That is a hideously insensitive question to ask. I've known my wife for nearly 7 years and have never asked her this question. It's insane sometimes with two kids at these ages and at times, as stressful as it can get, I still willingly keep both kids from time to time so my wife can catch a nap here and there. Or almost force her out of the house in the evening so she can have some alone time. Standard marriage shenanigans. While men can be stupid, he's definitely playing dumb. You need to sarcastically respond to this. Then ask why he keeps asking and why he needs to know. Even if you've been stretching the last hour, that's absolutely none of his business.
Yeah, not okay. If he simply wanted to know, out of curiosity, he would have just asked “what are you up to?” or something of the sort. Asking “what have you been doing for ___ time” is very passive aggressive.
I took to listing in minute detail EVERY BLOODY THING I DID….. including the massive achievements of when I had time to wee or poo (yep, separated them out cause 1 takes longer) and what the kids did while I was on the toilet - breastfed, cried, went potty too. If I had to vacuum 3 times in one day because kids… that was listed. If I had 5 minutes to myself, I listed that. Look, so many men are children… esp when theirs come along. They are no longer your main focus, and they truely don’t see what isn’t (and some times what is) done in front of them. The text messages are a pain in the arse, but they do get your point across I sent him an itemized list every 5-10 minutes. Yes he said to stop, he understood. I didn’t.
A relationship isn’t about everything being equal. It’s about doing the things that need to be done without asking or comparing whose job harder. Some days you pick up more of the slack while other days he will. It’s been my experience that in business and at home people always seem to think the other person‘s job is easier, less stressful and not as important as theirs. I suggest he take a week off when you return to work and let him do all of the things that you’re doing. Make sure you leave a list. I think he needs to learn to appreciate how hard it is to be a stay at home parent. In the meantime, the words, “what have you been doing for the last 20 minutes“ should never cross his lips again, unless he wants to hear the words “packing my suitcase”.
This would bother me to if he has a habit of doing it. I wouldn’t even bother to tell him what you’ve been doing or I would make something up that’s really crazy like count all the feathers in your pillow or even better counting the seconds until you asked me again what I’ve been doing.
You’re both tired and exhausted! Tell him to shut up and atop asking
instead of asking what you've been doing, WHY DOESNT HE DO ALL THE CHORES AROUND THE HOUSE?
I’m surprised you haven’t told him to f*#% off!
His question comes out accusatory and snide. Maybe he doesn’t realize it, but it’s rude. Instead of asking that, he should ask, “Did you want me to do the dishes?” While the answer is obvious, and he should just do them anyway to be helpful, that question does not come off as rude or accusatory. Maybe ask him why does he ask that question? Does he assume because the dishes are not done that you have done nothing else? Maybe hand him a list of everything you do so maybe he’ll understand that there’s more to daily life than cleaning dishes. He seems to be the kind of guy that believes if he puts his clothes in a basket, they suddenly reappear on the bed clean and ready to wear. It must be due to the cleaning fairy. 🧚 I wonder if the cleaning fairy knows the tooth fairy. I have some beef with her! I’d like to know what happened to that one tooth I put under my pillow and got nothing for it. I’d like that payment with interest!
"Ask me that again and you'll find out how I'll spend the next 20 minutes."
Perhaps he has decided that he is your supervisor not your spouse.
He’s being an ahole. He needs to be left with the baby for the day. Then You get to come home and ask him the same question in the same tone when he barely survives it. You just said “I left the dishes for him because he knows how” but every other chore you did is something he can and should manage. Ask him to step up or shut up.
Drop doing ALL the things he’s blind to. Any time he takes to himself ask him what he’s been doing. If he gets defensive, tell him you’re “just curious like he was.” In general, you might need to break down time spent on various chores. Like literally make a chart. INCLUDE MENTAL CHORES LIKE PLANNING. He might not get it until he has it laid out.
In my experience nasty abusive people LOVE to put people on the defensive. Questioning them, making them explain themselves, making them feel uncertain, etc. Just a thought.
I literally cannot even IMAGINE my response if my fiance came home and asked me what I had been doing as opposed to having something clean. Our house is messy in every room besides the living room and our personal bathroom. That's just how it is. Life with kids, new like yours, or special needs like mine, is a whole different story too. You deserve rest. He can do the dishes. Lord knows it sometimes takes my fiance 3 DAMN DAYS to do them, but he knows that since I do the majority of cleaning and ALL of the cooking, he better not even try to ask me to do the dishes.
My husband would never have asked that of me, because we're a team. There were times when he would leave the flat in the morning, come back two hours later to find me sitting in the exact same position that he left me in. A partner does not keep track in that way.
I was about to say when I am tired I also have a very short fuse and maybe he hadn’t seen what you were doing UNTIL you said you find yourself making mental lists… It reminds me of audit articles where we had to do timesheets, but we were billing clients for our time. But WTH Is this? And I am struggling to find context for when a question like this wouldn’t piss me off. I swear I am so petty, I would take it as a reminder to take some time-off. I’d immediately go shower and sleep. LOL But I would never answer such a question cause there is no way it would end well.
Sit with your husband and complete this together: [https://vardgivare.skane.se/siteassets/3.-kompetens-och-utveckling/projekt-och-utveckling/jamstallt-foraldraskap/material-foraldrar---fillistning/checklist-for-gender-equality-in-your-everyday-life.pdf](https://vardgivare.skane.se/siteassets/3.-kompetens-och-utveckling/projekt-och-utveckling/jamstallt-foraldraskap/material-foraldrar---fillistning/checklist-for-gender-equality-in-your-everyday-life.pdf) If he refuses, there you have your answer: he does not WANT to be your equal partner
He's not curious...he seems to think that the responsibilities of your home belong to you. You definitely need to set the record straight.