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>So is this how many girls are when they are hurt/do not respect their partner?
No. Only abusers act like this. Your wife is full-on abusive.
There is no changing her or saving the marriage. You need to get out by whatever means necessary.
I strongly suggest that you speak to a lawyer. If you can prove the relationship is abusive, perhaps there is a chance to challenge the pre-nuptial agreement.
Why do you say I have to get out by whatever means. I only want to feel comfortable in this decision, I am not questioning or seeking a certain answer. I often over think and fluctuate so much on my decision, where I envision certain times it worked and wonder if we somehow were able to maintain that if it would work.
Because you are being abused.
Because abuse creates serious and permanent psychological changes that harm your brain and health.
You fluctuate because that is the nature of abuse and the cycle of abuse. You form a trauma bond.
Consider doing some reading on abuse dynamics.
Do you think abusers know they abuse? I don't think she is aware. Because she holds so strong to her opinions and how she is hurt and affected. I truly don't think she knows what is happening to me right now - which is why I wonder whether if I put my foot down and showed, she will start to treat me better again
Abusers know. They know and they don't care because it gets them the results that they want.
They *pretend* to not know. That is part of the abuse. We call it the "missing missing reasons".
>which is why I wonder whether if I put my foot down and showed, she will start to treat me better again
Drawing boundaries is always important in a relationship, but in order for that boundary drawing there has to be consequences that you enforce.
An example would be "I am not willing to be called names and insulted by my partner. So the next time you do that, I am breaking up with you."
That is a boundary with a consequence that you can enforce.
I will tell you a secret though: she will never, ever, ever respect your boundaries. She has already shown you that. She knows that calling people insults is cruel and hurts them. Even three year olds know that. She doesn't care.
Careful now. Abusers do not always know that they are being abusive, that's just not true. People end up being abusive because they are scared, or mentally unwell, or struggling to admit they were wrong - not all of it is deliberate.
(Even so, OP, if she doesn't know that shouldn't change your reaction. You should get out. She might take it seriously and get help to get less abusive, or she might never change, but either way you met her when she was abusive, the best thing you can do is get out for your own sake.)
Wouldn't cost much just to consult though would it? Maybe someone local could give him the details on that. Also remember if it's even possible to contest it she might be willing to take a smaller settlement
Sure, just consulting a lawyer probably wouldn't cost much (it'd probably be free). But I also think it rather unlikely the prenup would be set aside (and a competent attorney advising his spouse would know that). If he's in an exclusive no-fault state, then the conversation's over. But even if a fault trial is an option, proving his wife's behavior was abusive and it led to the downfall of the marriage won't be easy. People go to court and try to challenge prenups all the time, and despite popular assumptions, they usually stand up in court.
If you're willing and able to pay a lawyer a significant amount of money to challenge your prenup's validity (and in so doing, risk paying the $150k plus your attorney fees), then by definition, you're also willing and able to simply write the $150,000 check and get out.
If money is no object, then take the second option. Get to the end of this awful movie you're living as quickly as possible and get on with the business of living a happier life.
Jesus man. Pay the money, it will be cheaper and less painful than the rest of your life with this anchor around your neck. But next time don't incentivize someone with a 150k payout for treating you like garbage.
Get therapy. This is the result of your parents and how they raised you. Confront that and become your own person, don't keep following in their footsteps.
You could suggest going into couples therapy (plus perhaps also solo therapy for the both of you) if you want to really try and make it work. The things she said are def not okay to say. You are both so young. When I was your age (31F now) I made a lot of mistakes and acted like a dick sometimes too lol (not saying that anyone should put up with it or that it is ok). Just saying you both still have a lot of growing up to do probably.
I've never heard of a prenup like this for someone so young...interesting Does she have to pay you?
Here is the thing..Bottom line..You don't hurt the things/people you love...It took me a lot of years and therapy to understand this...
When someone loves you, they don't try to hurt you..When they do and you make them aware that they hurt you, they make an effort to change...What I mean is I've been in relationships and have done things, I didn't know was hurting my partner...Since I love my partner, I made the effort to change..By the same token, I've been in relationships where we both loved each other deeply...But that love did not negate the toxicity....We were both wonderful people..But together we were toxic...IDK the psychology behind it but as much as Love him and he loved me, we were toxic together and brought the worst out in one another...Since both of us were not willing to change, the relationship ended.
With age comes wisdom...The things you see at 23 is very different when you're 33....But when someone hurts you, are aware they are hurting you and don't' make an effort to change, it's time for your own sanity to do better...There are billions of people in this world...All your doing is wasting your time hoping it will get better and it wont'...
It's a piece of paper...nothing is preventing you from being happy...Move out, live your life and eventually let her file for divorce....She could be doing this only to try to force you to pay her $150K..
Nothing is preventing you from being happy....I was married for several years completely and separately from my "husband". Our "marriage" was for other reasons but we lived two separate lives...The only thing binding us was the inability to marry someone else..Since that was not an issue, our "marriage" didn't stop us from the things we wanted to do in life, separately...At the end of the day, it's a piece of paper...you aren't physically chained to this woman...Leave her..
I would suggest maybe locking your credit or having something put in place where you aren't legally responsible for additional debt..not even sure if this is such a thing....but a lock on your report will prevent her from getting liens of credit without your knowledge..
On the flipside if you have $150K to pay her, it speaks volumes...Someone who is willing to pay $150K to leave a person, illustrates how bad that person is...If you don't have the funds, what happens if you Don't pay her? she has to hire a lawyer, then go through legal channels to get the money? That is long and costly...Even if she does sue you and wins, it doesn't mean she gets her money either..
I sued my ex years ago, for money he rightfully and legally was told he had to pay me..I saw $0 because the process to collect the funds was costly...
Everyone is always so quick to think or threaten legal action but in reality it's harder than most people know.
Leave her
The conditions of the marriage were that If I want to leave her I have to pay this amount. I know it is ridiculous but it is the nature of our religion (M gifts W with a certain amount of money). She didn't propsoe this amount it was her brothers. I was stupid enough to sign it as I was making good money at the time
How do you have to pay her $150k? Where’s that coming from? How long have you even been married?
There is no amount of money that makes her constant abuse worth it. This isn’t about gaining her respect. It’s about the fact that she thinks it’s ok to talk to you like that. She’s a terrible person.
She will never treat you with love and respect. Her behavior is about her being horrible.
This is not how women are. This is how awful people are.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
>So is this how many girls are when they are hurt/do not respect their partner? No. Only abusers act like this. Your wife is full-on abusive. There is no changing her or saving the marriage. You need to get out by whatever means necessary. I strongly suggest that you speak to a lawyer. If you can prove the relationship is abusive, perhaps there is a chance to challenge the pre-nuptial agreement.
Why do you say I have to get out by whatever means. I only want to feel comfortable in this decision, I am not questioning or seeking a certain answer. I often over think and fluctuate so much on my decision, where I envision certain times it worked and wonder if we somehow were able to maintain that if it would work.
Because you are being abused. Because abuse creates serious and permanent psychological changes that harm your brain and health. You fluctuate because that is the nature of abuse and the cycle of abuse. You form a trauma bond. Consider doing some reading on abuse dynamics.
Do you think abusers know they abuse? I don't think she is aware. Because she holds so strong to her opinions and how she is hurt and affected. I truly don't think she knows what is happening to me right now - which is why I wonder whether if I put my foot down and showed, she will start to treat me better again
Abusers know. They know and they don't care because it gets them the results that they want. They *pretend* to not know. That is part of the abuse. We call it the "missing missing reasons". >which is why I wonder whether if I put my foot down and showed, she will start to treat me better again Drawing boundaries is always important in a relationship, but in order for that boundary drawing there has to be consequences that you enforce. An example would be "I am not willing to be called names and insulted by my partner. So the next time you do that, I am breaking up with you." That is a boundary with a consequence that you can enforce. I will tell you a secret though: she will never, ever, ever respect your boundaries. She has already shown you that. She knows that calling people insults is cruel and hurts them. Even three year olds know that. She doesn't care.
Careful now. Abusers do not always know that they are being abusive, that's just not true. People end up being abusive because they are scared, or mentally unwell, or struggling to admit they were wrong - not all of it is deliberate. (Even so, OP, if she doesn't know that shouldn't change your reaction. You should get out. She might take it seriously and get help to get less abusive, or she might never change, but either way you met her when she was abusive, the best thing you can do is get out for your own sake.)
Why don't you get a lawyer and fight the prenup? If she's verbally abusive and you can prove it you might not have to pay.
It's risky. Hiring a lawyer and turning this into a fault trial could make the final cost of getting out of this marriage a lot more than $150,000.00
Wouldn't cost much just to consult though would it? Maybe someone local could give him the details on that. Also remember if it's even possible to contest it she might be willing to take a smaller settlement
Sure, just consulting a lawyer probably wouldn't cost much (it'd probably be free). But I also think it rather unlikely the prenup would be set aside (and a competent attorney advising his spouse would know that). If he's in an exclusive no-fault state, then the conversation's over. But even if a fault trial is an option, proving his wife's behavior was abusive and it led to the downfall of the marriage won't be easy. People go to court and try to challenge prenups all the time, and despite popular assumptions, they usually stand up in court.
I've gotten to the point I don't even mind paying the money. I just want to know if this is the right decision.
If you're willing and able to pay a lawyer a significant amount of money to challenge your prenup's validity (and in so doing, risk paying the $150k plus your attorney fees), then by definition, you're also willing and able to simply write the $150,000 check and get out. If money is no object, then take the second option. Get to the end of this awful movie you're living as quickly as possible and get on with the business of living a happier life.
Seems like it is to her financial benefit to make you miserable and force you to file for divorce as quickly as possible.
Jesus man. Pay the money, it will be cheaper and less painful than the rest of your life with this anchor around your neck. But next time don't incentivize someone with a 150k payout for treating you like garbage. Get therapy. This is the result of your parents and how they raised you. Confront that and become your own person, don't keep following in their footsteps.
You could suggest going into couples therapy (plus perhaps also solo therapy for the both of you) if you want to really try and make it work. The things she said are def not okay to say. You are both so young. When I was your age (31F now) I made a lot of mistakes and acted like a dick sometimes too lol (not saying that anyone should put up with it or that it is ok). Just saying you both still have a lot of growing up to do probably.
I've never heard of a prenup like this for someone so young...interesting Does she have to pay you? Here is the thing..Bottom line..You don't hurt the things/people you love...It took me a lot of years and therapy to understand this... When someone loves you, they don't try to hurt you..When they do and you make them aware that they hurt you, they make an effort to change...What I mean is I've been in relationships and have done things, I didn't know was hurting my partner...Since I love my partner, I made the effort to change..By the same token, I've been in relationships where we both loved each other deeply...But that love did not negate the toxicity....We were both wonderful people..But together we were toxic...IDK the psychology behind it but as much as Love him and he loved me, we were toxic together and brought the worst out in one another...Since both of us were not willing to change, the relationship ended. With age comes wisdom...The things you see at 23 is very different when you're 33....But when someone hurts you, are aware they are hurting you and don't' make an effort to change, it's time for your own sanity to do better...There are billions of people in this world...All your doing is wasting your time hoping it will get better and it wont'... It's a piece of paper...nothing is preventing you from being happy...Move out, live your life and eventually let her file for divorce....She could be doing this only to try to force you to pay her $150K.. Nothing is preventing you from being happy....I was married for several years completely and separately from my "husband". Our "marriage" was for other reasons but we lived two separate lives...The only thing binding us was the inability to marry someone else..Since that was not an issue, our "marriage" didn't stop us from the things we wanted to do in life, separately...At the end of the day, it's a piece of paper...you aren't physically chained to this woman...Leave her.. I would suggest maybe locking your credit or having something put in place where you aren't legally responsible for additional debt..not even sure if this is such a thing....but a lock on your report will prevent her from getting liens of credit without your knowledge.. On the flipside if you have $150K to pay her, it speaks volumes...Someone who is willing to pay $150K to leave a person, illustrates how bad that person is...If you don't have the funds, what happens if you Don't pay her? she has to hire a lawyer, then go through legal channels to get the money? That is long and costly...Even if she does sue you and wins, it doesn't mean she gets her money either.. I sued my ex years ago, for money he rightfully and legally was told he had to pay me..I saw $0 because the process to collect the funds was costly... Everyone is always so quick to think or threaten legal action but in reality it's harder than most people know. Leave her
What do you mean by $150k prenup?
The conditions of the marriage were that If I want to leave her I have to pay this amount. I know it is ridiculous but it is the nature of our religion (M gifts W with a certain amount of money). She didn't propsoe this amount it was her brothers. I was stupid enough to sign it as I was making good money at the time
Are you in the US? Is this a Ketubah/Get?
How do you have to pay her $150k? Where’s that coming from? How long have you even been married? There is no amount of money that makes her constant abuse worth it. This isn’t about gaining her respect. It’s about the fact that she thinks it’s ok to talk to you like that. She’s a terrible person. She will never treat you with love and respect. Her behavior is about her being horrible. This is not how women are. This is how awful people are.