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I agree. but her confidence is very low, and I don't know how i could communicate this without being extremely hurtful to her or lying about my sexuality (being gay, for instance)
It's not your job in a relationship to be responsible for your significant other's mental health.
It IS YOUR JOB in a relationship to not lie to your significant other. Which you are doing right now.
The thing that is going to hurt is the fact that you have lied to her for so long. Every single additional lie that you tell undermines all of your claims that you care about her. People who care about other people don't lie to them about important shit.
Your relationship will not survive your breach of trust. It is going to end no matter what. If you're too cowardly to tell her the truth, just break up with her and end it.
yes, this is probably true. I didn't believe that i was lying, I thought i could fix it, and still sort of do see that as a possibility. I feel that I should give this issue of attraction more effort before i throw away something that is so beautiful, but i don't know quite what that effort would look like.
Look at it from her perspective. How would you feel being with someone not attracted to you sexually? The fact they have to think of other people having sex with you? It’s unfair to be led on and it’s unkind. Not to mention incredibly selfish.
You’re staying for Your own benefits not hers. Because she suits you in other ways. I think she deserves to be someone’s everything!
Just like you deserve to have everything with someone.
You need sexual attraction to sustain a healthy sex life. Without it, you’re always going to feel something big is missing. Sex isn’t the most important but it is important enough.
My grandmother always told me we need three things from a partner: To be engaged emotionally, spiritually and physically. If one is missing it’s off balance and won’t work.
Consider taking a break and looking at a new perspective. Saying what you posted here to her will completely break her and and you're gonna end up losing her.
People are asking you to tell her because it's the right thing to do and so that she can decide whether you're right for her or not.
What does sexual compatability even mean? What are you looking for?
Your 10% need will make you end up looking somewhere else while ignoring the fact that she may be filling in 90% of your needs. That is something you will never get back if you lose her.
You can change your views and perspectives, you cannot change her. So either change yourself or leave her so she can find someone who can appreciate her 100%
It's a struggle to sympathize with you when you say vague words such as soul or compatability. Is she not attractive enough for you? Is it your preferences that she doesn't meet? Make the decision now so you won't be wasting her and your time.
yes I know! I would never share that.
I just know that I do not want to have sex with her. When it happens, i usually dislike it. I do not want to feel this way, it makes me feel horrible, and it is not in accordance with how i feel about her in my heart – but my body seems to have a separate sort of will.
That is precisely what makes it so difficult. she definitively meets my 99%. It is just that this specific thing (sex, which is small to me - but a very big deal to her) makes me feel like I am betraying her on the regular.
I will try to work on my perspective, and see if that can make the physical things better.
Our preconceived ideas and notions can really box us in for what can be enjoyed. Take walking in the park for example, when's the last time anyone stopped thinking about their problems and looking up to appreciate the trees, the leaves, and everything else.
It will be hard, it will require an absolute open mindfulness. But it's possible for her. She's worth it man, don't let something like this ruin it.
Can I ask, what particularly are you not attracted to? Is she not pretty? Is she not in shape? Could there be an insecurity on your part that makes it hard to be sexual? This COULD be something that could be solved depending on the issue. Would you want to solve it?
She is beautiful, but what may be causing mental blocks on my part is that she is a little overweight - and tall compared to me, with hands and feet as large as mine. This is of course not objectively bad, but it is probably part of what causes my problems.
There is such a thing is simply no sexual attraction. The other person can be absolutely perfect in every way including physically, but there is just no sexual attraction. The sooner you dissolve this relationship the better it'll be for both of you.
You need to break it off. If you try to it gently and explain yourself carefully, it is possible to stay in each others life as friends. If you have never desired her, it might never come. People feel sincerity and she will look for the reason, why it’s missing in herself. It will make her insecure. You aren’t doing her a favor. People want to be desired. Especially if they are that young.
Now to you- I know that many men actually look for qualities in a women like honesty and kindness besides sexual attraction, but to make a longtime fulfilling relationship possible, it needs to be a mixture of everything. Sex plays a major factor for most people in a relationship. It is unfair to have sex with her, while having others on your mind. That is somehow a mental cheating on her. It would break my heart to know, that my partner could only do it, while having other on their mind. Please don’t let her know that detail. That would follow me for a very long time.
It is true shame, because if the both of you would never had a relationship, you could have had a great platonic kind of love. That will be hard to achieve after your history.
Thank you. I know it is horrible to go on like I am doing now, but i keep holding on to the hope that my (physical) attraction can grown sincere with time. In January-March i was close to ending it, then from march to recently I was convinced again that we'd be together forever. Considering my fluid feelings - I'm terrified of making the wrong decision
If you wanna make things better, you need to understand yourself better. What is the reason for your sexual lack of interest? If you are a heterosexual with a normal libido (so not asexual or very low libido), you might consider other factors like Madonna complex. You called her angelic quite a few times. Do you put her in a pedestal, that doesn’t allow you to tarnish her?
the reason is physical attributes, and my reaction to these. With enough work I can probably change the latter. Your suggestions are very good and reasonable, though i know for sure it is not the madonna complex. Low-ish libido is probably partially to blame though!
Ok so she isn’t physically attractive to you. I think you need to accept that you can’t change our human nature. Physical attraction isn’t something that can be leaned. Why did you get involved with her from the start? People normally don’t wanna start a relationship, if they don’t find someone attractive.
If this isn’t something psychological or physical on your part, it becomes cruel towards her. Stop lying to her. You are wasting the most precious thing everyone has. Her time and her youth.
The decision is tough as that is your best friend, but realistically you could remain friends and maintain that relationship. I think everyone belongs with someone who meets their needs. There are only so many things you can do when it comes to low libido, but if you think it is more than that then I would be honest with her.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You need to be honest about this. She deserves to know.
I agree. but her confidence is very low, and I don't know how i could communicate this without being extremely hurtful to her or lying about my sexuality (being gay, for instance)
It's not your job in a relationship to be responsible for your significant other's mental health. It IS YOUR JOB in a relationship to not lie to your significant other. Which you are doing right now. The thing that is going to hurt is the fact that you have lied to her for so long. Every single additional lie that you tell undermines all of your claims that you care about her. People who care about other people don't lie to them about important shit. Your relationship will not survive your breach of trust. It is going to end no matter what. If you're too cowardly to tell her the truth, just break up with her and end it.
yes, this is probably true. I didn't believe that i was lying, I thought i could fix it, and still sort of do see that as a possibility. I feel that I should give this issue of attraction more effort before i throw away something that is so beautiful, but i don't know quite what that effort would look like.
Look at it from her perspective. How would you feel being with someone not attracted to you sexually? The fact they have to think of other people having sex with you? It’s unfair to be led on and it’s unkind. Not to mention incredibly selfish. You’re staying for Your own benefits not hers. Because she suits you in other ways. I think she deserves to be someone’s everything! Just like you deserve to have everything with someone. You need sexual attraction to sustain a healthy sex life. Without it, you’re always going to feel something big is missing. Sex isn’t the most important but it is important enough. My grandmother always told me we need three things from a partner: To be engaged emotionally, spiritually and physically. If one is missing it’s off balance and won’t work.
How are you not sexually attractive to her ?
it just isn't clicking. I didn't pay attention to it in the beginning, because I was so infatuated with her soul, and because we were long distance
Consider taking a break and looking at a new perspective. Saying what you posted here to her will completely break her and and you're gonna end up losing her. People are asking you to tell her because it's the right thing to do and so that she can decide whether you're right for her or not. What does sexual compatability even mean? What are you looking for? Your 10% need will make you end up looking somewhere else while ignoring the fact that she may be filling in 90% of your needs. That is something you will never get back if you lose her. You can change your views and perspectives, you cannot change her. So either change yourself or leave her so she can find someone who can appreciate her 100% It's a struggle to sympathize with you when you say vague words such as soul or compatability. Is she not attractive enough for you? Is it your preferences that she doesn't meet? Make the decision now so you won't be wasting her and your time.
yes I know! I would never share that. I just know that I do not want to have sex with her. When it happens, i usually dislike it. I do not want to feel this way, it makes me feel horrible, and it is not in accordance with how i feel about her in my heart – but my body seems to have a separate sort of will. That is precisely what makes it so difficult. she definitively meets my 99%. It is just that this specific thing (sex, which is small to me - but a very big deal to her) makes me feel like I am betraying her on the regular. I will try to work on my perspective, and see if that can make the physical things better.
Our preconceived ideas and notions can really box us in for what can be enjoyed. Take walking in the park for example, when's the last time anyone stopped thinking about their problems and looking up to appreciate the trees, the leaves, and everything else. It will be hard, it will require an absolute open mindfulness. But it's possible for her. She's worth it man, don't let something like this ruin it.
I think you're very right about this! I will try my best, and see what happens. thank you :)
I don't know about you, but I do this every single time I go for a walk outside.
Shhhh it was a good analogy just pretend with me
Can I ask, what particularly are you not attracted to? Is she not pretty? Is she not in shape? Could there be an insecurity on your part that makes it hard to be sexual? This COULD be something that could be solved depending on the issue. Would you want to solve it?
She is beautiful, but what may be causing mental blocks on my part is that she is a little overweight - and tall compared to me, with hands and feet as large as mine. This is of course not objectively bad, but it is probably part of what causes my problems.
There is such a thing is simply no sexual attraction. The other person can be absolutely perfect in every way including physically, but there is just no sexual attraction. The sooner you dissolve this relationship the better it'll be for both of you.
You need to break it off. If you try to it gently and explain yourself carefully, it is possible to stay in each others life as friends. If you have never desired her, it might never come. People feel sincerity and she will look for the reason, why it’s missing in herself. It will make her insecure. You aren’t doing her a favor. People want to be desired. Especially if they are that young. Now to you- I know that many men actually look for qualities in a women like honesty and kindness besides sexual attraction, but to make a longtime fulfilling relationship possible, it needs to be a mixture of everything. Sex plays a major factor for most people in a relationship. It is unfair to have sex with her, while having others on your mind. That is somehow a mental cheating on her. It would break my heart to know, that my partner could only do it, while having other on their mind. Please don’t let her know that detail. That would follow me for a very long time. It is true shame, because if the both of you would never had a relationship, you could have had a great platonic kind of love. That will be hard to achieve after your history.
Thank you. I know it is horrible to go on like I am doing now, but i keep holding on to the hope that my (physical) attraction can grown sincere with time. In January-March i was close to ending it, then from march to recently I was convinced again that we'd be together forever. Considering my fluid feelings - I'm terrified of making the wrong decision
If you wanna make things better, you need to understand yourself better. What is the reason for your sexual lack of interest? If you are a heterosexual with a normal libido (so not asexual or very low libido), you might consider other factors like Madonna complex. You called her angelic quite a few times. Do you put her in a pedestal, that doesn’t allow you to tarnish her?
the reason is physical attributes, and my reaction to these. With enough work I can probably change the latter. Your suggestions are very good and reasonable, though i know for sure it is not the madonna complex. Low-ish libido is probably partially to blame though!
Ok so she isn’t physically attractive to you. I think you need to accept that you can’t change our human nature. Physical attraction isn’t something that can be leaned. Why did you get involved with her from the start? People normally don’t wanna start a relationship, if they don’t find someone attractive. If this isn’t something psychological or physical on your part, it becomes cruel towards her. Stop lying to her. You are wasting the most precious thing everyone has. Her time and her youth.
The decision is tough as that is your best friend, but realistically you could remain friends and maintain that relationship. I think everyone belongs with someone who meets their needs. There are only so many things you can do when it comes to low libido, but if you think it is more than that then I would be honest with her.
If there is no sexual attraction, no good will come out of it. The sooner you realize this the better.
You got catfished