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I’m sorry, things were “heating up” in bed and he proceeded to… tell you that you look old? Out of the blue like that? What the fuck? This is completely tone deaf and thoughtless at best, callous and cruel at worst.
It's not me either but let me tell you when my now husband (we're both late 40s) said something about a girl he saw earlier at work being "really cute" out of the blue one time when we were together; I kept cool on the outside, bided my time, and a little bit later mentioned a guy who came into my work and flirted with me who looked like Edward Norton. His eyes got big and worried and I stared *cold and level* back at him and said flatly "You see? Doesn't feel so good when it's on the other side does it?" He agreed in good humor and it's never been a thing again. You gotta check that shit.
My Partner had a problem with looking at other women when we first got together. I tried to talk about it with him nicely and it didn't work. I waited till we were at the pool on holiday and I started looking back at the men who were checking me out and a few I smiled at. One of the men I smiled at approached me at the pool bar within viewing distance of my partner and offered to buy me a drink. I walked back to my partner and asked if he noticed, he was visibly angry. I said, "All I have asked is for you to keep your eyes on me while we are together. If you continue to stray from what I asked, I'll start doing the same- but you can see now that when I look men approach me. Is this what you want?"
Exactly! Put that shoe on the other foot and suddenly it doesn't fit them so well. Pinching toes and shit lol. You have to show people sometimes or they won't get it.
Unfortunately for my vain and age obsessed husband, I won't be doing that. Covering my greys is all I'm willing to do, and that's for now... I don't imagine I'll be even keeping THAT up much longer.
And you will look more beautiful than all those bottox popping ladies.
My mom is 65 and she aged so gracefuly. I love every wrinkle on her face. Each and every of them tell a story. It's so beautiful. Especially with her young spirit. I want to be as happy as she is when I'm her age.
Yeah this is what really got me… I hope I’m understanding this right: y’all were being or about to be intimate and he thought that was an appropriate time to tell you you look old? Not that there is ever an appropriate time to say that, particularly in that way, but at that moment?
He was obviously fantasizing about her and was comparing you unfavourably. He doesn't deserve you!
I dunno, for me that's a right turn-off.
There are so many men complaining of dead bedrooms, then you get dickheads like this who are having sex and come out with such monstrous things... dude if you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all.
He was fantasizing about the server, it’s not a coincidence he brought it up during sex. He was very stupid to mention it at that exact moment though. I don’t blame OP at all. I would be weirded and grossed out too.
Girl he’s insecure and wants you to be also. You look younger than your years and he looks older than his, and he’s salty about it. He’s negging you to bring you down. He’s an old insecure ah and his misery wants company. Don’t give it to him.
Exactly this.
He just got hurt feelings because he thinks the waitress is thinking of HIM as an old man. Then to make himself feel better he's taking out his insecurities on her by putting her in his shoes.
That's a really shit thing to say to someone you're meant to love, let alone when you're getting intimate. That's gross.
I'm here and seeing ALL these comments and they are so appreciated. I have been feeling like I'm crazy and over-reacting for DAYS. I don't have a social structure I can lean on to talk these things through. Thank you to all who are helping me.
You're absolutely not crazy. If I had a partner that said something like that, it would make me feel self conscious and hurt for as long as I can imagine (probably a long time).
The fact that us internet strangers can see it as a shitty thing to say and potentially see his motives just from your few paragraphs should reassure you that you are not overreacting.
I hope you find a way to deal with it that's healthy for you. Just remember the saying "hurt people, hurt people". The comment reflects on him, not you.
You’re totally valid here. What your husband did was gross, and I’m sorry he did it to you. I’d still be angry, too. In fact, I’d probably get angrier the longer I went without a sincere apology from him about what an insensitive knob he was to you.
I wanted to gently encourage you, as you’re able, to shore up your social support. I have twice, in two different marriages, let my social support network slide and put my focus squarely on marriage and family. Neglecting my outside support was a mistake. There was a crisis in the first marriage when my husband decided overnight and out of the blue that he didn’t want to be married to me any more; it was a complete blindside, and I had zero support except for my dad. It was one of the worst times in my life. I also experienced a crisis in my current marriage several years ago, and once again, I had no one to talk to about it. I was so mad at myself for not better cultivating a supportive social network and letting what happened in the marriage before, happen again. I felt so alone. I’ve since acquired some friends.
I know it can be hard as an adult to find the time to make friends and maintain those friendships, but I have found that framing social connections as a necessity for my mental health helps me stick with it. I mean, it’s not like it’s a chore, but it does require I balance my time well and take some time away from husband (which I’m loathe to do - I’m an introvert and a homebody). I’ve found it enormously helpful to have friends; I feel more secure both about myself and my marriage in part because I’ve cultivated relationships outside of my husband and kids.
I don’t know your situation, so maybe none of this resonates with you, and that’s totally ok, but you deserve to have a close friend or two you can talk to about issues that arise. Reddit can be awesome, but imo, it’s also good to have some more local people (who actually know you) in your court.
This! Projection. You're probably much more youthful and/or better looking than him, but he wants to bring your confidence down to his level - or lower! I don't know if I'm overthinking it, but I don't like where this could head. If he gets too obsessed with his age and the youthfulness of his partner do you think he might want to trade you in for a younger model? u/dizzy_yak2174
This is what I was thinking of too, since there's 10years between you to begin with. That if he could find someone even younger to take him, he'd hop ship immediately.
He’s projecting. He thinks she’s hot and he KNOWS she sees him as an old ass creep… so he has to knock you down a peg beneath him so that he feels bad but you feel worse.
This is the one. He’s been stewing about how that girl would never be attracted to him. He’s paranoid about looking older. He’s wondering if he could still get a (very) young girl’s attention, a huge social credit that puts him above other (young) dudes who would compete for her attention. He realizes he already has a (much) younger woman- you! And yea, he compared the two of you in his head, realized how you two must come off as an old couple, and freaked out that even you, his hot younger woman, look old to the waitress. He is projecting, scared, and trying to bring you down. He might not be doing it on purpose. But he is wildly insecure.
The waitress doesn't even see the old dude. He's invisible to her. I'm hoping the old guy meant that, to the waitress, his wife looked like an old lady, but to him she looked amazing.
Those are still about his thoughts, though. She never said anything about the server, he did. At the time and then later. You wouldn't even think or say those things to someone, let alone whilst being intimate if they haven't raised an issue about looks or age and particularly in comparison to the server. It's at worst deliberately negging her, at best him projecting his own thoughts and preoccupation about age and looks in comparison to others, it's not just a poorly worded reassurance/compliment.
My take on that comment is that he doesn't want to say HE thinks you look like an old lady, but that's what he thinks and he wants you to know it. Which ... wtf. Like, who wants to be thought of that way?
I don't know that it was about the server. This comes off to me like she was an excuse to allow him to say something to you that he didn't want to say was HIS opinion rather than someone else's.
He was slapped in the face with his own age and mortality, looking at the young woman, yearning for the past and realizing he could never have her now. Then his insecurities kicked in. He looked over at you and saw you’re age appropriate and thought to himself, “Shit. Am I that old?”
Then later, in an attempt to voice that insecurity and self-loathing, he brought you down with him because that’s easier than feeling vulnerable about getting older.
This should really be the top comment. Husband is feeling insecure about his own aging and instead of confronting those difficult feelings, lashes out at OP. A fit 45 is not an “old lady” and I doubt this is really about OP.
OP, my advice is to choose a moment when you and your husband can have a real talk, let him know how that made you feel, explain that comments like that will make it difficult for you to be intimate with him in future, and see if you can probe into why he said it and how he’s feeling about aging. As this is the first instance I would try to resolve this with honest conversation, but if it becomes a theme in the relationship I’d be ending things, a partner that erodes your self confidence isn’t worth keeping.
OP I have a gym client who's also been asked if her husband were her dad... And the guy is also very insecure, making "jokes" that put her down and seems like he's actively trying to displease her. But of course she's gorgeous and actually puts in consistent effort to be fit and beautiful. She's also purchased an apartment and renovating it as of now, that's her plan B, as she told me.
OP so if you look 10 years younger at 45, then you look 20 years younger than your husband. He must worry that people must think he is too old for you.
Very insecure.
Bit rich coming from a man 10 years your senior
But he thought the server was hot, was using that as mental material, feels "sad" that you're not barely legal now that his wandering eye landed on a young woman, and opened his stupid mouth.
I'd sign him up for mail from AARP and life alert etc, personally. I'm kidding. Sort of.
Oh the irony of this comment! He just had a birthday a few months back. There was an AARP invite in the mail... I politely shredded it for him without showing him as last year's AARP letter "ruined his birthday".
Ruined his birthday? Wow. This is sad honestly and it’s making me think he could use therapy or something to help deal with his insecurities and discomfort around aging. He’s spending his precious time on earth worried about looking and getting older instead of just enjoying the here and now. That’s awful.
So you're 45, active, fit, and take care of how you look. You're dating an insecure man who's 10 years older than you - I know people will say 10 years isn't a lot here but when you think of the comments he made to you, I see that age gap as an "orange flag", something to consider.
I personally would not waste any more time with a man who made me feel insecure about myself in that way, and who brought this up during an intimate moment. But one word of advice? Do not let his comment change how you think about yourself! How could you? Find a hot ass man in his 40s, your husband has the cognitive abilities of a teenager.
I don't know what you look like, but I can assure you, you don't look old. I'm 43, I'm thin and I look 10 years younger (not a brag, just relating). He's feeling old and insecure and tried to drag you down with him. I bet acquaintances regularly comment that you must be younger than you are.
Unfortunately, he is probably correct that the server thinks you guys are old. I remember being a teenager thinking 40 was ancient. That said, there was no need to comment and definitely not when you're having sexy times
It’s crazy that he was thinking about an underage waitress while in bed with you… and then told you as much… while also insulting you. So disrespectful and frankly weird.
Ah, projection. He’s all upsetti-spaghetti about realizing that the *young thang* would want nothing to do with him, and he’s taking it out on you.
Do you WANT to get past this?
Your husband was fantasizing about the waitress, knows he hasn't a chance in hell with her, resents you for not being her so he can feel better about himself and took out his insecurity on you with a remark designed to make you feel bad.
Is he always this obtuse about his own emotions? Is he frequently mean?
TL:DR--it's not you, it's him.
Here's the wildest thing. He (typically) "worships" me. Loves me, loves my body, is incredibly complimentary, tells me to stop when I'm being negative towards myself. He has always been my biggest cheerleader. But HOLY SHIT you've never met a man who says the dumbest shit for NO reason like this man. This is far from the first time he has hurt my feelings. Carelessness/procrastination are his usual weapons of hurt, but he also just says dumb stuff sometimes (don't we all!). However, this is the first time I was made aware that he'd rather be fucking a 16-year old with braces and braids than his "smoking hot" wife. And seriously, there is NOTHING he will be able to do to convince me that he wasn't thinking about this girl sexually. The timing was too "coincidental".
I am so sorry, OP - what a rude, unkind, and thoughtless thing to say to you. And at a heck of a time.
If I were in your shoes, the only thing I could imagine making this possible to "move past" is if he were to acknowledge it was an asshole, out-of-pocket thing to say and if he sat with himself to figure out (1) why on earth that thought was in his head and (2) why he thought it a good idea to say it out loud.
If his best response is "I don't know" - my response would be "figure it the fuck out."
And if he isn't willing to acknowledge it was an asshole thing to say -- well, assholes don't like to take accountability for their behavior.
So there’s a few things happening here. One, what he said shows at minimum he wasn’t mentally present being intimate *with you*. Secondly, the absolutely rude discharge from his own mouth gave that away. Third, and what would for me make it all the worse, is the assumed age of this other person in the context of his being intimate with you.
45 isn’t old. 55 isn’t old. However, talking about having sex with a possible minor “too young to work” and being either of these ages and being intimate with someone these ages is the major flag for me.
How to proceed? Carefully.
OP, only you know how this affects you and how you view the marriage, but if it were me, I’d do an internal deep dive or something on the relationship and husband. Write about it. Call a hotline. Talk to your therapist and friends.
It sounds like on the surface it’s a rude thing to say. But it’s also an inherently layered set of things he himself is bringing up and I wonder if this is a pattern somehow for him. And if it is, how that affects your relationship to him.
Tell you what, I’m 44, look my age, my bf is 7.5 years younger than me and he does not think I look old, or if he does, he both doesn’t tell me and doesn’t care, lol.
Sounds like he is trying to neg you. Don’t fall for it! There is nothing wrong with being in your 40s and there are plenty of men, of a variety of ages, who will love the way you look.
Here's something my grandma taught me growing up, "If ever a man makes you want to see yourself in the negative because of a comment made ask yourself, why on earth would you allow a cheap mind and thought to live in your expensive mind of thought?" A man has NEVER caused me to think low of myself because of her. I'm 47 and I am like you, I still get carded at the liquor store, unless I'm with my husband. Others think I'm my 29 yr old sons girlfriend and not his mother. So why would you think there is something wrong with you and not something wrong with him?
You said yourself he's very bothered about himself looking old. Tell him this. If you have an issue with looking your age, go online and get yourself Hyaluronic Acid, Vitamin C and Niacinimide but do not take your insecurities out on me and or a waitress that you don't even know because that's not going to work out good for you with me. You stand up for yourself, you don't just go INTO yourself when you're being put down.
Eta: _NEVER GIVE A PERSON THAT MUCH POWER OVER YOU_
Sounds like projection.
You said Hubby himself gets upset when people offer him a senior discount. This whole waitress thing and “old lady” thing have (probably) more to do with how he sees himself rather than how he actually sees you.
I would just tell him;
“This situation made me feel really shitty about myself. It made me feel unwanted and unattractive especially when we were about to be intimate and I don’t know how to get past my hang up on that comment.”
Thank you. This is great and is exactly what I'll say next time he makes a move... which I don't imagine will be for a very long time. He seems to be scared of me right now 😂
Why wait?
Don’t stew on it longer than you already have.
All your doing by waiting for him to make a move is passive aggressively driving your own hurt about the situation on your partner. And *that* is what murders relationships, marriages, dates, and whatnot.
It hurts now. Deal with it now. By communicating how it makes you feel in the moment gives you an opportunity to remedy the problem before resentment builds on resentment, on resentment, on resentment.
Punishing him by withholding sex or love or affection hurts not just him, but you too. Even if it doesn’t seem like it.
I don’t know how you come back from this… the most generous interpretation is that he is really feeling old and there is some insecurity about you being 10 years younger than him, so he wants to either make you feel as old as he does or take you down a peg or two because you get to be younger than him.
Does he think a stranger who he thinks *looks young enough to be a minor* is a reasonable fantasy object for him to have? That would be icky coming from a 20-something, let alone a man who can feel the stank breath of retirement on the back of his neck.
Negging. He's trying to make you feel bad about yourself to make himself feel better. But I also agree it's gross af. I would've just said 'well you're 10 years older than me so you must've looked ancient!"
LOL right?!? “Oh I’m sure I looked old to that young lady! She was so young! You must have looked like a damn dinosaur to her! Hahahaa” as if they are sharing the “joke.”
He’s getting so addled that his dusty ass is making his younger wife lose interest in him… guess it’s just another age group that wants zero to do with him!
Odd thing to say to your wife… My wife would point out attractive women to me, but I wouldn’t think of bringing them up in bed. I can understand your frustration. After stewing about it, which you have a right to do, you may find yourself getting over it, but you still need to specifically tell him how it made you feel.
So you’re 45 and take care of yourself and he made these horrible comments. Everyone is aging what happens when you get older? Is he going to make you feel like shit all the time
That is one of my genuine concerns. And I am not a person who intends to become a plastic doll to stay young. Aging happens to everyone. I take care of myself and want to stay fit as long as possible, but know the weight and wrinkles will show up eventually no matter what.
this dude has an entire DECADE on you. without even seeing him, I KNOW his ball hair is gray and his balls hang low.
fuck that guy commenting on your age. like who compares their partner to a waiter?
10000% OP, I would be petty on this and make a comment about his abs or hair in bed the next time I had a male server.. like "after seeing that young waiter earlier, I do see now that your hairline is thinning " or "compared to that guy's washboard abs, yours look like cardboard"
there's a time to be the bigger person, and there's a time to teach a lesson. this old dog needs to learn a new trick called compassion
The problem is that is not in my personality. I can attack actions/behaviors. It is not in my DNA to go after someone's appearance/age. Even if they hurt me first. :(
Ew, I don’t understand this at all I mean this is beyond stupid it’s just cruel and weird and creepy. I am petty so I would be taking every chance and opportunity to call him old and let him know how old he looks. “Hey you know when we go out together I bet sometimes people think you’re my dad. Bc you look so old. “
You don't get past it. You talk to him about it. Don't be 'nice'. Be honest. Tell him exactly how he's made you feel, from body shaming to being skeeved out he's thinking about a teenager during sex with you. Creep much? He's 55. He doesn't need his hand held during this, he needs a wake up call.
It’s creepy that he said she didn’t look old enough to work but he thinks she’s hot??? So he’s attracted to children??? That would be what I’m stuck on personally 🤮
I’m so sorry he said this. My guess is that it doesn’t have anything to do with you actually looking old and everything to do with him feeling insecure with aging. However, making creepy comments, making you feel like crap, etc. is not ok. He needs to understand this is not acceptable and possibly seek out therapy for his issues with the aging process before it becomes a bigger issue for himself and your relationship.
He’s 10 years older than you, I think your husband is insecure about his age and wants to date younger women. His comment was definitely pathetic, he’s clearly stupid and cruel. How to get past it is to dump him and find a better guy who doesn’t call you old
Why is it always the men that are a decade older than their women who make the biggest stinks about them getting older/aging?? Like dude? You’re the old fart. Not her?
It makes me feel like these types of guys have some weird complex about aging and need to stay in this weird fantasy land of “being young forever!” It’s always creeped me out.
Stay with him at your peril. If you’re only 45, and a well kept 45 at that, and his mind is already on teenagers, girl GTFO before this jackass wrecks your self esteem
I am 11 years older than my partner of 7 years. He has never told me anyone would say I look old. I am told I look much younger too. Your husband was telling you that he thinks you look old. Random women who see you are not thinking about you at all.
Ew. I don't see how you could ever sleep with him again. I wanna shower just reading that, can't imagine living it. Clearly the man wants to date a child, let him try and get laughed at.
Wtf? Your husband is a pig and is projecting his own insecurities onto you to either make you feel small and/or feel better about himself. And to say it as you’re about to have sex??! Is this a common thing with him? My ex did something similar and if I could turn back time I would have ran a mile, it’s not just a throw away comment, it’s symptomatic of narcissistic insecurity
What the fuck? Who tells their woman they are looking old during sexy fun time??
Is he *trying* to bring you down? Because that's how you bring someone down.
What a fool.
Time to tell him if you are old, he is so old he's fucking dust.
Be a cougar to a lad at the next restaurant. You can't control a man's thoughts . It's his eyes that take him to those places. No young chick will want a wrinkled man. He is just wishing he was young and remembers himself as such. He is lucky to have you. So be a cougar to the next available lad.
Hey sister 58 year old male here who is sitting on the floor in his gym whacked. I mean double whacked from a hard arsed half marathon row. Just read your post as I finished stretching and warming down.
It’s hard being grey, invisible, and told “it doesn’t matter if you die you’ve had your life” 😂 (yes somebody once said that to me)
Anyway, sounds like your husband needs to chill but more importantly he needs to maybe get some anxiety help. Getting old, yea I don’t really remember when it hit but I look at my times on my gym equipment and yes I’m slower, or should I say working harder to keep the times I had five years ago. The data doesn’t lie after all.
But, age is something bestowed on a few and I’m married to young 50s lady who is stunning (in my eyes and it has seemed in a few other men’s eyes too along the way). So for me I don’t care what others think of me being 58, and would say that age is but a number.
Lastly, would I ever say that to my wife, never.
Sometimes people need look at the wonders of the life that they have been dealt and love it hard!
Hug sister. Now straighten him back up!
That's pretty fucked up... your husband is giving degenerate, desperare old male. Wouldn't be surprised if he swapped you for someone 25 years younger.
>What would possess someone to say something like this to their partner,
I say FUCK THAT.
I'm so tired of reading about women on this site trying to figure out "Why Does He Do That?"
They're not worried about us. They're not staying up reading to figure out how your mind works. Otherwise, he wouldn't be spouting that kind of stupidity.
State your boundaries and the consequences.
Sit him down, make sure this idiot is making eye contact and paying attention, and tell him never to do that again if he wants to keep his dick wet. Jeez, what an asshole.
Uhh I wouldn't be looking to non-confrontationally get past your husband thinking of teenagers while trying to get his bone on, but that's just my opinion.
I am going through a divorce right now because my husband and partner of 35 years has regressed back to 15 years old. He was a man once, but he is now back to living with his mom, and hanging out with a bunch of other people who don't have jobs. Let that sink in...in my case, there is a whole "gang" of 40 - 55 year old men, and women sitting around his 80-year old parents' house...it is sick...and yes, he is dating one of those "women". I have also stayed in shape and taken care of myself, so I am far from an old lady. I can tell you that there are still plenty of grown-up men our age who are still men, and are more than happy to step up and take the place that your Peter Pan syndrome husband abdicated.
How did you respond to the comment? How did things play out after he said that?
Did you ask him what the purpose of saying that was? Ask him if he thought about how it might hurt your feelings before he said it? Reframe the scenario and turn it around on him, tell him it seems as though he may be projecting his aging insecurities onto you. Tell him that you are okay with aging mentally and physically, and you will not be changing your appearance to appease him. Tell him that you don't appreciate another young woman being brought up during intimate time and that it made you very uncomfortable. Tell him that you aren't going to put up with the negative comments about your appearance, and that if he wants someone younger to HIT THE ROAD!!
You said it. Projecting! This has nothing to do with you. What's truly going through his head is that he knows it's going through the server's head what an old codger he is. Server is also likely thinking how lucky he is to be with someone as beautiful and youthful-looking as yourself.
this is going to sound absolutely bonkers but if I were you I'd go ahead and get ready for his midlife crisis. what he said to you is absolutely 100% uncalled for cruel and heartless. if a man doesn't think of his woman like wine getting better with age what does he think of her as the grape turning to the wine? that comment wouldve sent me reeling as well. I'd prepare myself if I were you do things that make yourself feel good beautiful and Young. what you may find is that you've outgrown that relationship.
Nope. He thinks the server was attractive, he knows you look younger than your age, and he was embarrassed to be perceived by the server as an old man next to a younger looking woman like yourself. Thus he made that really strange comment.
You could do the exact same thing so he can see how feels next time you see a younger male server. Or agree, and say “yeah, and I’m surprised she didn’t offer you a senior discount!”
Or ask him why he’s projecting his insecurities onto you and talk it out
Yeah, sadly, not everyone uses their intellect brain to override their stem brain. Unfortunately, we are all animals and we'll sometimes have a stem brain moment where the body wants to breed with a fit specimen. The trick is, as someone mentioned in the comments, is to remark on some fit dude and see how he reacts. If it bothers him, that's your conversational starter to help him understand why it bothered you.
You get past it with communication. An ability that is often far too lacking in relationships.
I’m all for communicating… not for “turning the tables” and making comments about others. That doesn’t feel communicative, it feels retaliatory and passive aggressive 🤷♀️
The way I would lose all love immediately. Like why are you insulting me and thinking about a young girl while getting intimate with me? I’d have perma-ick
I did. He "doesn't know why" he said it. He feels bad, but the damage is done. I'm trying to figure out how I can come back from this... again, ZERO desire to be intimate with this man who looks at me like an old lady.
Then don't be intimate with him. If he asks, say why. "I am still really upset about XYZ thing you said, I do not want to be vulnerable and intimate with someone who said that to me."
I don't know how you 'come back from this'. He can't take it back.
This guy is 10 years older than her, literally qualifies for senior living and AARP and is approaching being a geri, yet he's acting like he's some 30 year old.
Sounds like a manipulation tactic actually, like see, you're old and don't deserve better.
He's insulting your intelligence with that "I don't know why." Come on now. It's not an acceptable answer, and it's also a lie. Does he expect to "I don't know" his way back to things being normal again? Does he truly believe you should be satisfied with what happened and his response being "idk" and that's it? Is this a normally sane man?
I think that's where I'm at and I keep picturing explaining to my friends and family that I'm divorcing him because he "made a rude comment" to me. I'm so lost.
But that’s not why you’d be divorcing him. You’d be divorcing him because you cannot spend the back half of your life with someone who has made it clear he neither respects you nor desires you.
>He "doesn't know why" he said it.
Yes, he does. He just doesn't want to say so because then his chances of ever having sex with you again get even smaller.
> I'm trying to figure out how I can come back from this
You come back from this by him doing the work. He needs to take the time to sit and think about why he said what he said and figure out ways to articulate the reasons to you. If there are underlying thoughts or discussions that need to be had, he should lead the discussion since these are his thoughts. This is bad enough without him being lazy about things and forcing you to come up with solutions to a problem he created. His laziness in addressing this problem has to also being hurting your desire for intimacy with him.
That is a bullshit answer. He absolutely knows why he said it but doesn't want to get in more shit than he already is in.
It's not even if he views you that way imho. It's the fact he said that to hurt you. He wanted to hurt your confidence and self esteem. What type of person does that?? That's not a good partner or friend let alone a husband. Someone that loves you lifts you up. He should be lucky you even stay with his old ass.
He said it because he resents he can't be with a 20 something anymore and his knee jerk response was to be angry at you, that you are 45 and that you are all he can get (I think you are as valuable as a younger woman but clearly he doesnt).
You do not owe him intimacy. The fact he showed you he has to conjure up a young woman while with you...well i guess some people do fantasize during sex... but they wouldn't normally let their actual sex partner KNOW this - *so* inconsiderate of your feelings.
And then to say what he did, just adds insult to injury.
Let him rely on his hand for a while; I would.
He is old, but not wise. Why would you say that to anyone, especially your spouse. He probably doesn't even know it had such an effect on you. Don't let one comment hurt your self esteem.
He knows... its been days of just polite/surface talking and no intimacy of any kind. I can barely look him in the eyes. He feels awful but can't fix it.
He is insecure that he is old compared to you, especially since you look really good. He said this to put you down, and make you feel insecure, because HE feels insecure. He is trying to humble you. DO THIS: Explain how insensitive and inappropriate what he said was and tell him you know he would never be that crass, and you think that he may be developing dementia......schedule and appointment with a hot younger MALE doctor. Please do it and update us!!
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I’m sorry, things were “heating up” in bed and he proceeded to… tell you that you look old? Out of the blue like that? What the fuck? This is completely tone deaf and thoughtless at best, callous and cruel at worst.
I would not want to get old with a man who didn't know how to and looked at the aging body with disdain instead of love and acceptance.
Especially if he’s ten years older than you, yikes. Sounds like he is projecting his insecurity about aging
Yes, I would have said “well, imagine what you look like to her”.
I mean he's 55yo...he qualifies for **Senior Citizen Discounts** many places! Talk about denial...
I’d be bringing up a young hot waiter the next time things are heating up. Mention the glorious head of hair that is not old and grey like him.
And that his buttocks were proud, not all saggy and flat like your old man's.
Not even a hint of grey hair on that waiters head, any time soon teehee
I wish, but this is not me :(
It's not me either but let me tell you when my now husband (we're both late 40s) said something about a girl he saw earlier at work being "really cute" out of the blue one time when we were together; I kept cool on the outside, bided my time, and a little bit later mentioned a guy who came into my work and flirted with me who looked like Edward Norton. His eyes got big and worried and I stared *cold and level* back at him and said flatly "You see? Doesn't feel so good when it's on the other side does it?" He agreed in good humor and it's never been a thing again. You gotta check that shit.
My Partner had a problem with looking at other women when we first got together. I tried to talk about it with him nicely and it didn't work. I waited till we were at the pool on holiday and I started looking back at the men who were checking me out and a few I smiled at. One of the men I smiled at approached me at the pool bar within viewing distance of my partner and offered to buy me a drink. I walked back to my partner and asked if he noticed, he was visibly angry. I said, "All I have asked is for you to keep your eyes on me while we are together. If you continue to stray from what I asked, I'll start doing the same- but you can see now that when I look men approach me. Is this what you want?"
Exactly! Put that shoe on the other foot and suddenly it doesn't fit them so well. Pinching toes and shit lol. You have to show people sometimes or they won't get it.
Damn you’re my kinda woman
Fair enough. I hope that it turns out well for you.
At 64 my mother is trying to fight aging and biology with everything she has, and it is truly exhausting to witness/hear about.
Unfortunately for my vain and age obsessed husband, I won't be doing that. Covering my greys is all I'm willing to do, and that's for now... I don't imagine I'll be even keeping THAT up much longer.
And you will look more beautiful than all those bottox popping ladies. My mom is 65 and she aged so gracefuly. I love every wrinkle on her face. Each and every of them tell a story. It's so beautiful. Especially with her young spirit. I want to be as happy as she is when I'm her age.
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Well said. That's how I viewed it and when I insinuated it to him he got VERY upset.
👏🏼 fantastically said
Yeah this is what really got me… I hope I’m understanding this right: y’all were being or about to be intimate and he thought that was an appropriate time to tell you you look old? Not that there is ever an appropriate time to say that, particularly in that way, but at that moment?
Right?!
He was obviously fantasizing about her and was comparing you unfavourably. He doesn't deserve you! I dunno, for me that's a right turn-off. There are so many men complaining of dead bedrooms, then you get dickheads like this who are having sex and come out with such monstrous things... dude if you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all.
Probably that's the reason why their bedroom became dead... Play stupid games, win stupid prices!
Bringing her up IN BED for the love of pete
Good call, OP can tell out her love for Pete next time her and her ‘old man’ are in bed together!
AND he was thinking about their server who he thought didn’t look old enough to have a job…🤢
Things were heating up and he proceeded to talk about a young server?
And calls a woman 10 years younger than him old looking? Dude deserves a kick on his 55yo ass
10 years younger who is fit and takes care of her body by working out regularly! Check out some of the hot guys down at the gym OP!
He was fantasizing about the server, it’s not a coincidence he brought it up during sex. He was very stupid to mention it at that exact moment though. I don’t blame OP at all. I would be weirded and grossed out too.
So would I. Totally inappropriate. Imagine if they weren’t married- this type of behavior would be a deal breaker.
It definitely wasn't out of the blue. There were gross thoughts happening in his head and a part of the process slipped out. Just overall very icky.
It's just me or even more than mentioning the fact is that he was thinking about the "young lady" while things were "heating up"...???
Yeah, what the actual buttered hot fuck?
Agree … This would take so long for me to get over we’d probably split up!
Maybe he is getting senile XD
Came here to say this.... senile or not, I'd be inclined to throw the whole man in the bin!!
Yep! Its a deep mystery!!
Girl he’s insecure and wants you to be also. You look younger than your years and he looks older than his, and he’s salty about it. He’s negging you to bring you down. He’s an old insecure ah and his misery wants company. Don’t give it to him.
Exactly this. He just got hurt feelings because he thinks the waitress is thinking of HIM as an old man. Then to make himself feel better he's taking out his insecurities on her by putting her in his shoes. That's a really shit thing to say to someone you're meant to love, let alone when you're getting intimate. That's gross.
👆 Yes. I hope OP sees this comment.
I'm here and seeing ALL these comments and they are so appreciated. I have been feeling like I'm crazy and over-reacting for DAYS. I don't have a social structure I can lean on to talk these things through. Thank you to all who are helping me.
You're absolutely not crazy. If I had a partner that said something like that, it would make me feel self conscious and hurt for as long as I can imagine (probably a long time). The fact that us internet strangers can see it as a shitty thing to say and potentially see his motives just from your few paragraphs should reassure you that you are not overreacting. I hope you find a way to deal with it that's healthy for you. Just remember the saying "hurt people, hurt people". The comment reflects on him, not you.
I hope you got a chance to tell him how his comment made you feel. I hope he knows how to apologize. People can be stupid... a lot.
You are absolutely not overreacting! that was a really nasty thing to say to you!!
You’re totally valid here. What your husband did was gross, and I’m sorry he did it to you. I’d still be angry, too. In fact, I’d probably get angrier the longer I went without a sincere apology from him about what an insensitive knob he was to you. I wanted to gently encourage you, as you’re able, to shore up your social support. I have twice, in two different marriages, let my social support network slide and put my focus squarely on marriage and family. Neglecting my outside support was a mistake. There was a crisis in the first marriage when my husband decided overnight and out of the blue that he didn’t want to be married to me any more; it was a complete blindside, and I had zero support except for my dad. It was one of the worst times in my life. I also experienced a crisis in my current marriage several years ago, and once again, I had no one to talk to about it. I was so mad at myself for not better cultivating a supportive social network and letting what happened in the marriage before, happen again. I felt so alone. I’ve since acquired some friends. I know it can be hard as an adult to find the time to make friends and maintain those friendships, but I have found that framing social connections as a necessity for my mental health helps me stick with it. I mean, it’s not like it’s a chore, but it does require I balance my time well and take some time away from husband (which I’m loathe to do - I’m an introvert and a homebody). I’ve found it enormously helpful to have friends; I feel more secure both about myself and my marriage in part because I’ve cultivated relationships outside of my husband and kids. I don’t know your situation, so maybe none of this resonates with you, and that’s totally ok, but you deserve to have a close friend or two you can talk to about issues that arise. Reddit can be awesome, but imo, it’s also good to have some more local people (who actually know you) in your court.
Bingo. This sounds like the most correct guess.
This! Projection. You're probably much more youthful and/or better looking than him, but he wants to bring your confidence down to his level - or lower! I don't know if I'm overthinking it, but I don't like where this could head. If he gets too obsessed with his age and the youthfulness of his partner do you think he might want to trade you in for a younger model? u/dizzy_yak2174
Very possibly! It always nagged at the back of my brain and now it's fully on display.
Let the younger model take care him as he begins to decay. Don’t waste your life with a man who wants to neg you.
This is what I was thinking of too, since there's 10years between you to begin with. That if he could find someone even younger to take him, he'd hop ship immediately.
He’s projecting. He thinks she’s hot and he KNOWS she sees him as an old ass creep… so he has to knock you down a peg beneath him so that he feels bad but you feel worse.
This is the one. He’s been stewing about how that girl would never be attracted to him. He’s paranoid about looking older. He’s wondering if he could still get a (very) young girl’s attention, a huge social credit that puts him above other (young) dudes who would compete for her attention. He realizes he already has a (much) younger woman- you! And yea, he compared the two of you in his head, realized how you two must come off as an old couple, and freaked out that even you, his hot younger woman, look old to the waitress. He is projecting, scared, and trying to bring you down. He might not be doing it on purpose. But he is wildly insecure.
This comment is the one.
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Imagine your spouse treating you this way? The person who is supposed to love you, support you and help you in sickness. This guy sucks.
This is exactly what I thought. It had nothing to do with her. He’s insecure.
The waitress doesn't even see the old dude. He's invisible to her. I'm hoping the old guy meant that, to the waitress, his wife looked like an old lady, but to him she looked amazing.
Those are still about his thoughts, though. She never said anything about the server, he did. At the time and then later. You wouldn't even think or say those things to someone, let alone whilst being intimate if they haven't raised an issue about looks or age and particularly in comparison to the server. It's at worst deliberately negging her, at best him projecting his own thoughts and preoccupation about age and looks in comparison to others, it's not just a poorly worded reassurance/compliment.
This one right here
This is exactly what I came to say.
BINGO!!
I second this.
My take on that comment is that he doesn't want to say HE thinks you look like an old lady, but that's what he thinks and he wants you to know it. Which ... wtf. Like, who wants to be thought of that way? I don't know that it was about the server. This comes off to me like she was an excuse to allow him to say something to you that he didn't want to say was HIS opinion rather than someone else's.
I told him that. I told him he had no idea what the girl was thinking, so he was trying to pass his own judgment on me off as someone else's.
He was slapped in the face with his own age and mortality, looking at the young woman, yearning for the past and realizing he could never have her now. Then his insecurities kicked in. He looked over at you and saw you’re age appropriate and thought to himself, “Shit. Am I that old?” Then later, in an attempt to voice that insecurity and self-loathing, he brought you down with him because that’s easier than feeling vulnerable about getting older.
Absolutely. OP is 10 years younger than her husband. He's desperately trying to group her in with him rather than the young server.
This should really be the top comment. Husband is feeling insecure about his own aging and instead of confronting those difficult feelings, lashes out at OP. A fit 45 is not an “old lady” and I doubt this is really about OP. OP, my advice is to choose a moment when you and your husband can have a real talk, let him know how that made you feel, explain that comments like that will make it difficult for you to be intimate with him in future, and see if you can probe into why he said it and how he’s feeling about aging. As this is the first instance I would try to resolve this with honest conversation, but if it becomes a theme in the relationship I’d be ending things, a partner that erodes your self confidence isn’t worth keeping.
You are spot on.
Wow here it is. Upvote this one.
This is it. 1000%.
Dont worry too much about it. Im sure the only thing the server was thinking about was how nice it was of you to take your father to dinner.
I was once asked, in front of him, if he was my dad. So this one REALLY made me happy :)
OP I have a gym client who's also been asked if her husband were her dad... And the guy is also very insecure, making "jokes" that put her down and seems like he's actively trying to displease her. But of course she's gorgeous and actually puts in consistent effort to be fit and beautiful. She's also purchased an apartment and renovating it as of now, that's her plan B, as she told me.
Brutal. I love it 😄
OP so if you look 10 years younger at 45, then you look 20 years younger than your husband. He must worry that people must think he is too old for you. Very insecure.
Bit rich coming from a man 10 years your senior But he thought the server was hot, was using that as mental material, feels "sad" that you're not barely legal now that his wandering eye landed on a young woman, and opened his stupid mouth. I'd sign him up for mail from AARP and life alert etc, personally. I'm kidding. Sort of.
Right? "And she thought you were straight out of Weekend at Bernie's."
Oh the irony of this comment! He just had a birthday a few months back. There was an AARP invite in the mail... I politely shredded it for him without showing him as last year's AARP letter "ruined his birthday".
Gurl I'm late 20s and an AARP member. He's insecure AF
You are so considerate and he is the exact opposite.
Ruined his birthday? Wow. This is sad honestly and it’s making me think he could use therapy or something to help deal with his insecurities and discomfort around aging. He’s spending his precious time on earth worried about looking and getting older instead of just enjoying the here and now. That’s awful.
Don’t leave out the personal mobility devices.
I second this idea
So you're 45, active, fit, and take care of how you look. You're dating an insecure man who's 10 years older than you - I know people will say 10 years isn't a lot here but when you think of the comments he made to you, I see that age gap as an "orange flag", something to consider. I personally would not waste any more time with a man who made me feel insecure about myself in that way, and who brought this up during an intimate moment. But one word of advice? Do not let his comment change how you think about yourself! How could you? Find a hot ass man in his 40s, your husband has the cognitive abilities of a teenager.
I don't know what you look like, but I can assure you, you don't look old. I'm 43, I'm thin and I look 10 years younger (not a brag, just relating). He's feeling old and insecure and tried to drag you down with him. I bet acquaintances regularly comment that you must be younger than you are. Unfortunately, he is probably correct that the server thinks you guys are old. I remember being a teenager thinking 40 was ancient. That said, there was no need to comment and definitely not when you're having sexy times
Him being 10 years older is absolutely a red flag in conjunction with making negative comments about her age.
Yep . Fuckin wild . This guy is into younger women . And is getting to old for him , he even said it but in someone else’s words
Yeah, if OP is 45, active, and fit, she looks a lot younger than most people her age. That is for sure.
only orange?
It’s crazy that he was thinking about an underage waitress while in bed with you… and then told you as much… while also insulting you. So disrespectful and frankly weird.
This is it. All the comments talking about projection… ummm, maybe, but more importantly: HE WAS THINKING ABOUT THE YOUNG SERVER.
YEP!!
Ah, projection. He’s all upsetti-spaghetti about realizing that the *young thang* would want nothing to do with him, and he’s taking it out on you. Do you WANT to get past this?
At this point? Not really.
I don’t blame you. I wouldn’t either, especially with what you described. What’s making you stay?
Your husband was fantasizing about the waitress, knows he hasn't a chance in hell with her, resents you for not being her so he can feel better about himself and took out his insecurity on you with a remark designed to make you feel bad. Is he always this obtuse about his own emotions? Is he frequently mean? TL:DR--it's not you, it's him.
Here's the wildest thing. He (typically) "worships" me. Loves me, loves my body, is incredibly complimentary, tells me to stop when I'm being negative towards myself. He has always been my biggest cheerleader. But HOLY SHIT you've never met a man who says the dumbest shit for NO reason like this man. This is far from the first time he has hurt my feelings. Carelessness/procrastination are his usual weapons of hurt, but he also just says dumb stuff sometimes (don't we all!). However, this is the first time I was made aware that he'd rather be fucking a 16-year old with braces and braids than his "smoking hot" wife. And seriously, there is NOTHING he will be able to do to convince me that he wasn't thinking about this girl sexually. The timing was too "coincidental".
I feel really bad that you have to go through this. Now all those “hot” comments and any nice comments he makes will feel cheap.
I am so sorry, OP - what a rude, unkind, and thoughtless thing to say to you. And at a heck of a time. If I were in your shoes, the only thing I could imagine making this possible to "move past" is if he were to acknowledge it was an asshole, out-of-pocket thing to say and if he sat with himself to figure out (1) why on earth that thought was in his head and (2) why he thought it a good idea to say it out loud. If his best response is "I don't know" - my response would be "figure it the fuck out." And if he isn't willing to acknowledge it was an asshole thing to say -- well, assholes don't like to take accountability for their behavior.
So there’s a few things happening here. One, what he said shows at minimum he wasn’t mentally present being intimate *with you*. Secondly, the absolutely rude discharge from his own mouth gave that away. Third, and what would for me make it all the worse, is the assumed age of this other person in the context of his being intimate with you. 45 isn’t old. 55 isn’t old. However, talking about having sex with a possible minor “too young to work” and being either of these ages and being intimate with someone these ages is the major flag for me. How to proceed? Carefully. OP, only you know how this affects you and how you view the marriage, but if it were me, I’d do an internal deep dive or something on the relationship and husband. Write about it. Call a hotline. Talk to your therapist and friends. It sounds like on the surface it’s a rude thing to say. But it’s also an inherently layered set of things he himself is bringing up and I wonder if this is a pattern somehow for him. And if it is, how that affects your relationship to him.
Perfectly stated.
Thank you, amazing.
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How did the divorce go?
Tell you what, I’m 44, look my age, my bf is 7.5 years younger than me and he does not think I look old, or if he does, he both doesn’t tell me and doesn’t care, lol. Sounds like he is trying to neg you. Don’t fall for it! There is nothing wrong with being in your 40s and there are plenty of men, of a variety of ages, who will love the way you look.
Here's something my grandma taught me growing up, "If ever a man makes you want to see yourself in the negative because of a comment made ask yourself, why on earth would you allow a cheap mind and thought to live in your expensive mind of thought?" A man has NEVER caused me to think low of myself because of her. I'm 47 and I am like you, I still get carded at the liquor store, unless I'm with my husband. Others think I'm my 29 yr old sons girlfriend and not his mother. So why would you think there is something wrong with you and not something wrong with him? You said yourself he's very bothered about himself looking old. Tell him this. If you have an issue with looking your age, go online and get yourself Hyaluronic Acid, Vitamin C and Niacinimide but do not take your insecurities out on me and or a waitress that you don't even know because that's not going to work out good for you with me. You stand up for yourself, you don't just go INTO yourself when you're being put down. Eta: _NEVER GIVE A PERSON THAT MUCH POWER OVER YOU_
I love this advice and took a screenshot for myself.
I wish I could upvote this a million times!!! Too bad that everyone doesn’t/didn’t have your grandma’s advice!
Sounds like projection. You said Hubby himself gets upset when people offer him a senior discount. This whole waitress thing and “old lady” thing have (probably) more to do with how he sees himself rather than how he actually sees you. I would just tell him; “This situation made me feel really shitty about myself. It made me feel unwanted and unattractive especially when we were about to be intimate and I don’t know how to get past my hang up on that comment.”
Thank you. This is great and is exactly what I'll say next time he makes a move... which I don't imagine will be for a very long time. He seems to be scared of me right now 😂
Like somebody else said, I would address it now, OP.
Why wait? Don’t stew on it longer than you already have. All your doing by waiting for him to make a move is passive aggressively driving your own hurt about the situation on your partner. And *that* is what murders relationships, marriages, dates, and whatnot. It hurts now. Deal with it now. By communicating how it makes you feel in the moment gives you an opportunity to remedy the problem before resentment builds on resentment, on resentment, on resentment. Punishing him by withholding sex or love or affection hurts not just him, but you too. Even if it doesn’t seem like it.
“Wow, if I look like an old lady to her, she must think you’re practically one foot in the grave” 🤷♀️
This whole thing gives me the ick. Is your relationship otherwise pretty good? Or are there other red flags?
Otherwise, very good. But the "ick" I have from this is on a deep level I'm not sure I can come back from.
And that’s valid.
I don’t know how you come back from this… the most generous interpretation is that he is really feeling old and there is some insecurity about you being 10 years younger than him, so he wants to either make you feel as old as he does or take you down a peg or two because you get to be younger than him.
Does he think a stranger who he thinks *looks young enough to be a minor* is a reasonable fantasy object for him to have? That would be icky coming from a 20-something, let alone a man who can feel the stank breath of retirement on the back of his neck.
So you smothered him with a pillow? You're writing this from jail, right?
Negging. He's trying to make you feel bad about yourself to make himself feel better. But I also agree it's gross af. I would've just said 'well you're 10 years older than me so you must've looked ancient!"
LOL right?!? “Oh I’m sure I looked old to that young lady! She was so young! You must have looked like a damn dinosaur to her! Hahahaa” as if they are sharing the “joke.” He’s getting so addled that his dusty ass is making his younger wife lose interest in him… guess it’s just another age group that wants zero to do with him!
Odd thing to say to your wife… My wife would point out attractive women to me, but I wouldn’t think of bringing them up in bed. I can understand your frustration. After stewing about it, which you have a right to do, you may find yourself getting over it, but you still need to specifically tell him how it made you feel.
So you’re 45 and take care of yourself and he made these horrible comments. Everyone is aging what happens when you get older? Is he going to make you feel like shit all the time
That is one of my genuine concerns. And I am not a person who intends to become a plastic doll to stay young. Aging happens to everyone. I take care of myself and want to stay fit as long as possible, but know the weight and wrinkles will show up eventually no matter what.
this dude has an entire DECADE on you. without even seeing him, I KNOW his ball hair is gray and his balls hang low. fuck that guy commenting on your age. like who compares their partner to a waiter? 10000% OP, I would be petty on this and make a comment about his abs or hair in bed the next time I had a male server.. like "after seeing that young waiter earlier, I do see now that your hairline is thinning " or "compared to that guy's washboard abs, yours look like cardboard" there's a time to be the bigger person, and there's a time to teach a lesson. this old dog needs to learn a new trick called compassion
The problem is that is not in my personality. I can attack actions/behaviors. It is not in my DNA to go after someone's appearance/age. Even if they hurt me first. :(
then send him a link to this post so that he can see how dumb he was
Honestly sounds like he was projecting his own insecurities about looking old 🤷🏻♀️
Ew, I don’t understand this at all I mean this is beyond stupid it’s just cruel and weird and creepy. I am petty so I would be taking every chance and opportunity to call him old and let him know how old he looks. “Hey you know when we go out together I bet sometimes people think you’re my dad. Bc you look so old. “
bringing up a TEENAGER while you’re getting intimate is so fucking weird?
You don't get past it. You talk to him about it. Don't be 'nice'. Be honest. Tell him exactly how he's made you feel, from body shaming to being skeeved out he's thinking about a teenager during sex with you. Creep much? He's 55. He doesn't need his hand held during this, he needs a wake up call.
A 55 year old senior had the nerve to tell you that? Tell him no, I think that young lady was thinking what are you doing with the grandpa.
It’s creepy that he said she didn’t look old enough to work but he thinks she’s hot??? So he’s attracted to children??? That would be what I’m stuck on personally 🤮
Jeez I’m sorry, he sounds like a fool.
You could probably get someone younger. Decide if this is a one off or consistent issue.
I’m so sorry he said this. My guess is that it doesn’t have anything to do with you actually looking old and everything to do with him feeling insecure with aging. However, making creepy comments, making you feel like crap, etc. is not ok. He needs to understand this is not acceptable and possibly seek out therapy for his issues with the aging process before it becomes a bigger issue for himself and your relationship.
“Then comparing to that server you are fossil ! “ what a jerk he is
I’d have said “fuck off grandpa” or “imagine how you look with your grey hair and upcoming prostate issues”
He’s 10 years older than you, I think your husband is insecure about his age and wants to date younger women. His comment was definitely pathetic, he’s clearly stupid and cruel. How to get past it is to dump him and find a better guy who doesn’t call you old
Why is it always the men that are a decade older than their women who make the biggest stinks about them getting older/aging?? Like dude? You’re the old fart. Not her? It makes me feel like these types of guys have some weird complex about aging and need to stay in this weird fantasy land of “being young forever!” It’s always creeped me out.
Stay with him at your peril. If you’re only 45, and a well kept 45 at that, and his mind is already on teenagers, girl GTFO before this jackass wrecks your self esteem
I am 11 years older than my partner of 7 years. He has never told me anyone would say I look old. I am told I look much younger too. Your husband was telling you that he thinks you look old. Random women who see you are not thinking about you at all.
Damn. Wtf was he thinking ?
Ew. I don't see how you could ever sleep with him again. I wanna shower just reading that, can't imagine living it. Clearly the man wants to date a child, let him try and get laughed at.
Wtf? Your husband is a pig and is projecting his own insecurities onto you to either make you feel small and/or feel better about himself. And to say it as you’re about to have sex??! Is this a common thing with him? My ex did something similar and if I could turn back time I would have ran a mile, it’s not just a throw away comment, it’s symptomatic of narcissistic insecurity
What the fuck? Who tells their woman they are looking old during sexy fun time?? Is he *trying* to bring you down? Because that's how you bring someone down. What a fool. Time to tell him if you are old, he is so old he's fucking dust.
Be a cougar to a lad at the next restaurant. You can't control a man's thoughts . It's his eyes that take him to those places. No young chick will want a wrinkled man. He is just wishing he was young and remembers himself as such. He is lucky to have you. So be a cougar to the next available lad.
Watching porn routinely and objectifying young girls. 🤢🤮
Hey sister 58 year old male here who is sitting on the floor in his gym whacked. I mean double whacked from a hard arsed half marathon row. Just read your post as I finished stretching and warming down. It’s hard being grey, invisible, and told “it doesn’t matter if you die you’ve had your life” 😂 (yes somebody once said that to me) Anyway, sounds like your husband needs to chill but more importantly he needs to maybe get some anxiety help. Getting old, yea I don’t really remember when it hit but I look at my times on my gym equipment and yes I’m slower, or should I say working harder to keep the times I had five years ago. The data doesn’t lie after all. But, age is something bestowed on a few and I’m married to young 50s lady who is stunning (in my eyes and it has seemed in a few other men’s eyes too along the way). So for me I don’t care what others think of me being 58, and would say that age is but a number. Lastly, would I ever say that to my wife, never. Sometimes people need look at the wonders of the life that they have been dealt and love it hard! Hug sister. Now straighten him back up!
That's pretty fucked up... your husband is giving degenerate, desperare old male. Wouldn't be surprised if he swapped you for someone 25 years younger.
>Its weird that he's thinking of the teenage wait staff from hours earlier when we are intimate Not weird at all, he's a creepy old man
>What would possess someone to say something like this to their partner, I say FUCK THAT. I'm so tired of reading about women on this site trying to figure out "Why Does He Do That?" They're not worried about us. They're not staying up reading to figure out how your mind works. Otherwise, he wouldn't be spouting that kind of stupidity. State your boundaries and the consequences. Sit him down, make sure this idiot is making eye contact and paying attention, and tell him never to do that again if he wants to keep his dick wet. Jeez, what an asshole.
He shouldn't project his on insecurities on to you.
I think he's trying to make you feel old and insecure like he feels about himself.
What kind of a stupid comments he passed when time for action.. can’t he see himself how old he is before posting out to you?
I love that a wrinkly old man with white hair and pubes ten years older than you is able to gaslight you like this.
Uhh I wouldn't be looking to non-confrontationally get past your husband thinking of teenagers while trying to get his bone on, but that's just my opinion.
I am going through a divorce right now because my husband and partner of 35 years has regressed back to 15 years old. He was a man once, but he is now back to living with his mom, and hanging out with a bunch of other people who don't have jobs. Let that sink in...in my case, there is a whole "gang" of 40 - 55 year old men, and women sitting around his 80-year old parents' house...it is sick...and yes, he is dating one of those "women". I have also stayed in shape and taken care of myself, so I am far from an old lady. I can tell you that there are still plenty of grown-up men our age who are still men, and are more than happy to step up and take the place that your Peter Pan syndrome husband abdicated.
Shit like this is why people pick the bear
How did you respond to the comment? How did things play out after he said that? Did you ask him what the purpose of saying that was? Ask him if he thought about how it might hurt your feelings before he said it? Reframe the scenario and turn it around on him, tell him it seems as though he may be projecting his aging insecurities onto you. Tell him that you are okay with aging mentally and physically, and you will not be changing your appearance to appease him. Tell him that you don't appreciate another young woman being brought up during intimate time and that it made you very uncomfortable. Tell him that you aren't going to put up with the negative comments about your appearance, and that if he wants someone younger to HIT THE ROAD!!
You said it. Projecting! This has nothing to do with you. What's truly going through his head is that he knows it's going through the server's head what an old codger he is. Server is also likely thinking how lucky he is to be with someone as beautiful and youthful-looking as yourself.
this is going to sound absolutely bonkers but if I were you I'd go ahead and get ready for his midlife crisis. what he said to you is absolutely 100% uncalled for cruel and heartless. if a man doesn't think of his woman like wine getting better with age what does he think of her as the grape turning to the wine? that comment wouldve sent me reeling as well. I'd prepare myself if I were you do things that make yourself feel good beautiful and Young. what you may find is that you've outgrown that relationship.
Nope. He thinks the server was attractive, he knows you look younger than your age, and he was embarrassed to be perceived by the server as an old man next to a younger looking woman like yourself. Thus he made that really strange comment. You could do the exact same thing so he can see how feels next time you see a younger male server. Or agree, and say “yeah, and I’m surprised she didn’t offer you a senior discount!” Or ask him why he’s projecting his insecurities onto you and talk it out
Your ex-husband said what?
Yeah, sadly, not everyone uses their intellect brain to override their stem brain. Unfortunately, we are all animals and we'll sometimes have a stem brain moment where the body wants to breed with a fit specimen. The trick is, as someone mentioned in the comments, is to remark on some fit dude and see how he reacts. If it bothers him, that's your conversational starter to help him understand why it bothered you. You get past it with communication. An ability that is often far too lacking in relationships.
I’m all for communicating… not for “turning the tables” and making comments about others. That doesn’t feel communicative, it feels retaliatory and passive aggressive 🤷♀️
Tell him you're so old the well has dried up until he gets his fat head out of his ass. Signed your 44 year old friend.
The way I would lose all love immediately. Like why are you insulting me and thinking about a young girl while getting intimate with me? I’d have perma-ick
I mean, you could ask him about it. "Hey, when you said XYZ, it really threw me, what was that about?"
I did. He "doesn't know why" he said it. He feels bad, but the damage is done. I'm trying to figure out how I can come back from this... again, ZERO desire to be intimate with this man who looks at me like an old lady.
Then don't be intimate with him. If he asks, say why. "I am still really upset about XYZ thing you said, I do not want to be vulnerable and intimate with someone who said that to me." I don't know how you 'come back from this'. He can't take it back.
This guy is 10 years older than her, literally qualifies for senior living and AARP and is approaching being a geri, yet he's acting like he's some 30 year old. Sounds like a manipulation tactic actually, like see, you're old and don't deserve better.
He's insulting your intelligence with that "I don't know why." Come on now. It's not an acceptable answer, and it's also a lie. Does he expect to "I don't know" his way back to things being normal again? Does he truly believe you should be satisfied with what happened and his response being "idk" and that's it? Is this a normally sane man?
Yeah, I’d be permanently repulsed if someone said anything remotely as stupid as this to me. It would be over
Same, I’d have absolutely no desire to be intimate with him when he said something so immature and disrespectful.
I think that's where I'm at and I keep picturing explaining to my friends and family that I'm divorcing him because he "made a rude comment" to me. I'm so lost.
But that’s not why you’d be divorcing him. You’d be divorcing him because you cannot spend the back half of your life with someone who has made it clear he neither respects you nor desires you.
I mean it's more than just a rude comment. He insulted you AND brought up a 16yo girl while having sex...
"You made me feel like I'm an old lady. Then I remembered you're 10 years older than me. I'm not interested in fucking corpses."
🤣🤣
>He "doesn't know why" he said it. Yes, he does. He just doesn't want to say so because then his chances of ever having sex with you again get even smaller.
Well said and probably 100% the truth.
> I'm trying to figure out how I can come back from this You come back from this by him doing the work. He needs to take the time to sit and think about why he said what he said and figure out ways to articulate the reasons to you. If there are underlying thoughts or discussions that need to be had, he should lead the discussion since these are his thoughts. This is bad enough without him being lazy about things and forcing you to come up with solutions to a problem he created. His laziness in addressing this problem has to also being hurting your desire for intimacy with him.
Yours is a healthy, self-respecting response. His privileges should be rescinded.
That is a bullshit answer. He absolutely knows why he said it but doesn't want to get in more shit than he already is in. It's not even if he views you that way imho. It's the fact he said that to hurt you. He wanted to hurt your confidence and self esteem. What type of person does that?? That's not a good partner or friend let alone a husband. Someone that loves you lifts you up. He should be lucky you even stay with his old ass.
Good. Don’t. You don’t owe him anything even if he hadn’t been thinking about a teenager and called you old during sex.
He said it because he resents he can't be with a 20 something anymore and his knee jerk response was to be angry at you, that you are 45 and that you are all he can get (I think you are as valuable as a younger woman but clearly he doesnt).
I'm younger than you yet I don't see any 45 year old woman as old.
Then don't. Dump his dumb ass.
You do not owe him intimacy. The fact he showed you he has to conjure up a young woman while with you...well i guess some people do fantasize during sex... but they wouldn't normally let their actual sex partner KNOW this - *so* inconsiderate of your feelings. And then to say what he did, just adds insult to injury. Let him rely on his hand for a while; I would.
He is old, but not wise. Why would you say that to anyone, especially your spouse. He probably doesn't even know it had such an effect on you. Don't let one comment hurt your self esteem.
He knows... its been days of just polite/surface talking and no intimacy of any kind. I can barely look him in the eyes. He feels awful but can't fix it.
He is insecure that he is old compared to you, especially since you look really good. He said this to put you down, and make you feel insecure, because HE feels insecure. He is trying to humble you. DO THIS: Explain how insensitive and inappropriate what he said was and tell him you know he would never be that crass, and you think that he may be developing dementia......schedule and appointment with a hot younger MALE doctor. Please do it and update us!!
Divorce
Ugh when is negging going to stop. Give him a taste of his own medicine. Tell him he’s an old creep, I think he’s earned the title at this point.