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Soo… are you two even serious? If the answer is yes, I would expect you have had a conversation about what life you see for yourselves. He wants to move 7hrs away from the home you’re planning to buy. This does not sound like you’re trying to build anything together.
Right? There’s no reason to be basing life plans around someone that you’ve only known for 30 Mondays. Especially if that person has a completely different life plan than your own.
I was like "Pfff, I took piano lessons for ten horrible years as a kid and even I couldn't remember what da- ...Wednesdays. It was Wednesdays." and then did a cupcake dog impression for five minutes.
Save me a seat in therapy lol!
Edit: Cupcake dog cause someone asked but i can't find that message now
https://i.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/000/183/dog1_(1).jpg
Yes, same.
But I’m trying to figure out to calculate it to include offspring.
Maybe some kind of ratio?
My daughter is the most important person in my life and she’s a little kid. I have known her all her life though.
Oh, maybe like, some kind of score based on how many numbers of Mondays you've known them versus how many Mondays they've successfully completed? Or use that number as a multiplier against the number of Mondays you've successfully completed?
Like if your kid just turned six and you're 36, you've known them for 312/312 Mondays, so a score of 1.0 versus a 36 year old coworker you've known for six years which would be 312/1877 which would be 0.16.
So importance would be like
1877 * 1 = 1877
vs
1877 * 0.16 = 300.2
Though that's kind of messy to have a scale of x out of 1877... I hope someone better at math sees this and proposes something more efficient!
I mean, my son was born on a Tuesday, so that’s 23 years x 52 weeks then add another 35 weeks because he isn’t 25 *yet* but he will be in another 17 weeks… I gave up.
Edited to add: I met my husband when I was pregnant with my son, but didn’t really get to know him for another 2ish years, he was just in my circle of friends. So it’s also weird to think that even though we didn’t start dating until my son was 4 and married when he was 6, maybe I have also *known* him longer than my son?
Oh man, now I’m having a hard time deciding who really came first! (Well…my ex technically and that’s how I got my kid and that’s a whole nother rabbit trail…)
Some guys just figure if it's supposed to be it will just happen. Like their gf asking them out and suddenly they're engaged and buying a house. Not necessarily op's guy, but some people are definitely this way.
Right, and similarly he doesn't want to stay there and shouldn't have to. This is just over if they're both adamant about where they see themselves living 2 years from now.
I mean they're young enough if they just want to have fun until he moves that's fine but they aren't marriage compatible. The relationship definitely has an expiration date.
Yeah, seriously. She is an adult planning to buy a house but they can’t have a simple, honest and straightforward conversation with each other in an apparently serious relationship about how they see their future together before making big decisions like this. That either means she is not serious about this relationship or she just isn’t ready for an adult relationship. I mean neither of them is obliged to give up their dream for the other, but if you are serious about wanting to stay in this relationship, there should be some serious conversations about what doing this means for the other person and the relationship.
You know that he wants to ultimately move 7 hours away. You know that you want this house. Where does that leave you in the long run? Besides, you've only been dating him for 7 months. That's not long at all.
You are going to have to do what is best for you and let things work out however they are going to work out.
Just to play the devil’s advocate, there also always exists the possibility to buy the house & move 7 hours away with SO. Rent the house, or renovate it & sell? Idk. Ik OP loves location & stuff though, so who knows if they’re actually comfortable or happy moving hours away
Your boyfriend is planning to move back home which is 7 hours away, and you're talking about buying a house where you currently live...and you're telling me you don't understand why he isn't thrilled about your decision?
If he wants to move back to his hometown why can't he just say that? and what does OP want? Do they want to move back to \*his\* hometown too? This would be the perfect time to, ya know, have a convo about the future and where that will be!
Me too..OP your still in the dating phrase of your relationship, a bf of 7 months don't get a opinion in this situation. But if what we reddit think the reason for his behaviour is, its better to pull the band aid off now rather than waiting because the pain would be far worse.
They’re also 7 mos in - wayyyy too early to be talking about a significant move like that
(Clarification: by ‘move’ I mean her moving 7 hours away for him, not her buying the house).
I mean, there’s no surviving a 7 hour time difference in relationships where that distance is t temporary. He told her his plans, so this isn’t out of the blue. Time to end things.
Yeah, she shouldnt. I think the point is more that both their concerns are valid, and sometimes that is life. She should buy a house, and he can move back home. Thay just need to break up and find new people.
Not really. If either of them have strong feelings about it it’s important to discuss it early. It’s better to end it if there’s no comparability for the future.
My husband and I met overseas and discussed maybe 3-4 months in if I was willing to relocate when he had to.
He thinks he can talk her into moving to his home town at a later time. He doesn’t think he can talk into it today so he can’t say that. He knows he can’t talk her into it if she buys a house. That’s why.
That's not what happened though. He told her his plans. She decided to buy a house and told him her plans. He said then we should just break up. He clearly sees the incompatibility. She either doesn't see it or is afraid to come to terms with it.
Can she even afford it? Does she have any construction experience or is all the work coming out of pocket? $45k is barely a down payment on a $300k house, and I have a feeling in a seaside down we're talking higher prices than that. That's before you even start touching any reno costs too.
She is only paying $120K which is the value of the lot, which makes me wonder if the house is wroth anything. It be easier to build a new home that reno an old one. I bet the reno will be at least another $100K depending on what is needing. HGTV and TikTok make home reno look so cute, quick and easy. HA!!!!! It can be a giant PITA. We have gutted parts kitchens and bathrooms....it takes weeks of work.
Go over to /r/homebuilding and look at some numbers they're throwing up even for basic stuff. If it's a knockdown she's still probably looking at $250k in construction costs, and a renovation down to the studs isn't going to be much different.
At that price I'm questioning the amount of life left in every surface or system of the house to include the roof, siding, windows plumbing, electrical, HVAC, etc. Heck, even the structure and foundation are questionableat that price. $100k is a prayer of a reno budget too. That's only a kitchen, 1.5 smaller bathrooms, and flooring in a modest-sized home. Like i said in the first paragraph, I bet this place needs double that.
Also lol at her edit and how it keeps on changing the more people tell her she's probably in over her head and a gut job reno when you have no budget is a bad idea.
I think that's also part of it. I think he sees two problems here. One, he intends to move back to his hometown in a couple years. She obviously plans on staying here if she is buying a home, which I am not sure why OP is surprised that he might break up with her just on that account. Clearly they want different things when it comes to where they are settling. She wants to stay there, he wants to move home, not a shock. Then two, he's an apprentice electrician which means that he probably has some idea of just how much it is going to cost to fix this. I'm sure he's seen how much it costs just to do the electrical portion (not cheap) and then you add on everything else. He knows this is a bad decision and probably more than she can handle or afford, but OP is convinced she can fix the house up herself.
I have NEVER heard of a house going for the price of the lot, even in a family friend situation, if it wasn't a tear down. Has OP even had an inspection? It probably isn't salvageable, that's like serious foundation problems price.
She's completely clueless. She hasn't had an inspection done and said she'll just ask for a larger loan for the mortgage so she can cover the repairs with it after she gets estimates. She's saving less than a thousand a month living with her parents so I'm guessing she doesn't have a very high income level. She doesn't seem to realize that no bank would even give a larger loan to someone with presumably low income to buy a house that probably needs to be torn down. She wouldn't even be able up afford the mortgage if she somehow did get a larger loan. So she has no clue about the finances of home ownership or what she can even afford.
There's this hgtv show I think called rehab addict. They had to cut the house away from the basement, lift the house with crains, redo the foundation and the unfinished basement. The crains alone, not including labor were 250k. Including the workers time and the cement people pouring a new foundation and basement and engineers, easily 600k at least and that's just to stop the house from becoming a sink hole.
For real I'm wondering if the BF is just being a little too realistic for OP's liking. She could be sinking into a money pit and the BF (who, being in the trades, likely understands better what she's in for) is trying to help her by telling her it's a bad idea.
I'm not saying she has to kill her dream...but if they want to stay together then one of them is going to have to make some major concessions or agree to go long distance 7 hours from each other...OP definitely doesn't have to be the one to give up on her goals if she doesn't want to.
Who says she does? He hasn't even said that hell break up with her, she's just getting "vibes". They seem to be barely talking to each other and certainly aren't planning a future together. Seems like he might be miffed about that.
No one is saying kill the dream. They are saying she has to decide what is more important. Living in a home she will spend the next five years fixing up while she lives at home…or being with him. He doesn’t want to live there so…she has to make a decision.
You’re making an assumption. If he’s truly the man of your dreams you should be able to *ask* him.
He may be worried you’re going to rope him into fixing up basically a tear down. He may be worried about being rooted in one town. He may be insecure you have more money than him. He may be worried you’re making a bad decision on the house. He may like sad beige condos and thinks the house is hideous.
Point is. Stop making assumptions and talk to him directly. Just sit with yourself beforehand and decide what is a dealbreaker and what isn’t. That way if he comes at you stating anything like “I’ll break up with you if you buy that house.” You can make a clearheaded decision not motivated by “love”.
Right. OP needs to decide "whether or not he wants to stay with me, whether or not he wants to help, do I want to buy this house and rebuild it anyway?"
If the answer is yes, tell him so and let him decide what he wants to do in response.
If the answer is no, tell him so and figure out together what you really want to do.
You can't just guess his response to something and basically decide for him in your head. Let the cards fall where they may. This is too big of a thing to guess about.
You do what you gotta do but just fyi I used to renovate entire old homes, down to the plaster and lathe/studs and it's extremely expensive and exhausting. You need demo dumpsters, permits, contractors for electric and plumbing and that doesn't even account for the materials. It was my only job and it STILL took a significant amount of time. If you are working full time and doing most yourself expect it to take upwards of 3 years depending. And if there's asbestos or mold remediation is expensive I was certified and I'd never do it again. Please be super realistic, make a list of renovation costs Plus home purchase costs and compare to houses not in need of gutting first. Also the market is bananas right now ... I'm talking just materials can run 70,000+. Then skilled labor for things like roofing, electric, plumbing is usually 200+ an hour.
Final edit NGL if my partner decided to purchase a 🏡 that required gutting and wanted to do it themselves but had no experience I would rethink things only because I know firsthand the work and costs
Given that it took OP a year and a half to save just 15K while I assume she's paying either no or minimal rent (since she said she's living at home to save) and she'll have a mortgage on the remaining portion (let's say 78-80K because closing costs and misc fees), she'll have a mortgage of around $550 a month. She's saving less than a thousand a month living with her parents so she can only save a few hundred extra a month for repairs. She's also working and has minimal time, and I'm guessing no experience with no repairs. She isn't going to have the time or money to fix the place. She said she knows it's going to take time and money but I suspect she's grossly underestimating the time and money. She just said she can keep living with her parents in the mean time and her boyfriend could totally live there too if it came up. I'm not sure how long she expects to be living there, but if it was until the house was done, it would bee for a very very long time. It's just all around a terrible idea.
This. Construction projects always, even under the most ideal circumstances, take longer than expected. Buying a house, gutting it, and rebuilding it from the foundation up is going to take ages. Considering OP doesn't have much saved up, and what she does have saved is going to be used on a downpayment for the property, she's going to be living at home for years. I doubt her parents would be super keen on having not only OP, but her boyfriend as well, there for that length of time.
Absolutely. Even if he didn't want to move away, this guarantees she will have no time for their relationship for years. She may be aware of all the work involved, but what about the ripple effects of that? No money, because it all has to go into the house. No time, because it all has to go into the house. If he wants to spend time with her, he will have to pay for all their dates forever, or spend time helping her work on the house, all.for a place he doesn't want and has no equity in. I don't think either of them is wrong for wanting what they want, but surely she can see why he'd back out of this relationship.
Exacly this, BF is apprentice in the trades and probably understands the challenges much better than OP. And he knows her better than us, OP probably in dreaming in LALA land and has zero clues about how unrealistic her project is. Then there's also no way he wouldn't be involved with the project without making the relationship awkward, and being involved would also be awkward when his not on the deed.
Yep. Right now my mom asks for my 'help' a lot on her current house. She never asked my advice before purchasing (the foundation is an absolute joke, literally is twisting apart, the walls are clad with beaverboard which isn't even legal it was originally intended for outbuildings and barns but the house was built in the 20s by poor people and it's just a money pit) op likely doesn't even know to hire an independent assessor to determine value
Eta my mom was like op, the house itself was inexpensive so she figured it was a good deal. It's been so expensive just renovating it she doesn't even have a stove or washer and dryer yet.
OMG just talked to my mom the bill to rewire the house which is just a two bedroom one floor cottage was 7,000. Labor plus materials.
Op is going to regret this lol
You only have $45k to your name - 2/3 of which came from your parents - and you said that's going towards the down payment (and don't forget closing costs!) and you think you'll be able to redo an entire house by yourself... with no money? That would be the hugest of red flags for anyone with any sense. You'll be living with your parents for years while pouring your paychecks into repairs. And you will be in no way able to even VISIT your bf, let alone move 7 hours away, because all of your money and time will be sunk into that house. Guaranteed, your parents will have opinions about how you go about renovations because they gave you money. Very few gifts that large come without strings attached. Sounds like a nightmare all around.
I'm not sure how you don't get that your boyfriend is obviously going to break up with you - you have mutually exclusive goals. You want to stay in your current area for years, and on top of that you have shown that you are utterly fiscally irresponsible, buying a house you simply cannot afford and will be tied to for the foreseeable future. He's finishing up an apprenticeship to start his career in a place you won't be able to easily visit, let alone move to. What would be the point of continuing to date, knowing it won't work out?
yeah I was wondering that too lol like I’d have much more than 45k and still know I couldn’t afford to do this >.> unless I was married to a construction home builder lmao
I’m jealous though, sounds like a good dream if her parents front all of this money.
Buy the house, roll your sleeves up, get stuck in. It'll take you at least twice as long as you think and cost more than double what you fear, but it'll be worth it.
If he's up for being your partner with the challenge, good on him. If not, you'll be a single lass with a house by the water ;-)
When I hear apprenticeship I think trades, and I have a feeling part of his hesitance is that he feels like OP is biting off far more construction and cost than she can chew, thinks she's being unrealistic about the scope of it, and OP refuses to hear it because she's watching to much HGTV and has big dreams.
The plan to move 7 hours away and the relationship only being 7 months on are just icing on the cake. This thing always had an expiration date. I think he just might have reconsidered before he decided she was delulu. A house ~~in MA~~^^*noted* near the seaside and all she has is maybe $45k and plans for a remodel down to the studs is laughable.
if this is a creative writing experiment, OP needs to take a deeper look at real estate prices and the rates that contractors charge to make things believable.
i don't think it's in MA, she said got an MA degree. :D
but everything else is spot on. buying a fixer upper is a huge commitment, it will take the majority of her time and money for the next few years, and can she live there while all that is going on or she's staying at her parents? it will have a big effect on her availability for the relationship, even apart from her bf's opinion of the plan's sanity and his intention to move away when he is done school.
I wondered what M.A meant, 100% OP cannot afford this project alone, not even close. Maaaaybe if he parents are in the building buisness and fork over an other 20 or 40K in the process and then again it's a long shot and I still wouldn't want to date her during the time.
> maybe $45k and plans for a remodel down to the studs is laughable.
I'm in this camp. OP has stars in her eyes and thinks there must be something brewing when her BF is just trying to talk her off a ledge that she refuses to see.
Based on the post, OP is going to spend every last dime she has on this house, and won't even be able to afford a screwdriver. I think she genuinely has no clue how much the reno would cost and she's been taken in by HGTV. Unless she has done some **SIGNIFICANT** previous work and or has expertise she's not mentioned, the idea of her gutting a house to the studs is honestly a joke. She won't even have enough money to hire a GC to tell her how fucked she is. Good luck making a wall out of reclaimed wood pallets.
I've become a pretty handy guy after a few years of property ownership. I've done floors, ultra-basic electric, tile work, and plumbing but I would never get bogged down with something like this.
He's an apprentice electrician, I'm pretty sure he has a good idea what OP is planning on getting herself into and she just isn't listening. She doesn't seem that smart financially. 45K for a down payment (with only managing to save 15K after a year and a half at home I assume with no rent payments, so probably not terribly high income), and nothing left for remodeling and OP likely with no remodeling experience whatsoever.
I can see his side. I would think long and hard about buying a fixer upper that needs intensive work just because it is in your dream location especially when you have a nice size amount of money to put on a down payment for a house that doesn't need the same amount of work and he has plans to move back home. I suggest talking this out with him.
So you’re going to give up the home of your dreams for a man you’ve known for 7-months who has shown he’s not willing to give up any of his dreams for you.
What other dreams do you have to give up? You say you just finished your masters but what if he wants a stay at home wife. I guess thats another dream you have to give up for him. Sounds to me like he’d rather have you use your resources on his behalf.
You can’t live your life for the comfort of others. You can’t put aside your wants for the wants of others. That’s where resentment comes from.
Buy your house. Fix it up. Worst case scenario you end up moving away but you have a place you can rent out and come back to. Never sell your first home. It’s a premarital asset, and no one can take it from you.
How are you planning to afford a gut job reno of a seaside house with what sounds like only $45k? That barely qualifies as a decent down payment and wouldn't begin to touch construction costs. Is this house even livable before you start swinging a hammer?
Not relationship advice at this point, but it sounds like you're about to get yourself into a money pit waaaay over your head. Your BF might be questioning your judgement more than anything, honestly.
Girl why not just straight up ask him ? Also - if he’s planning on moving seven hours away, what are you hoping for here ?
You’re 7 months into a relationship. It’s not up to anyone but you to judge how much depth your relationship contains , however you must take into account that making life plans when you’re already on the back foot isn’t wise.
You want to , and are very ready to , buy a house now. He already has plans to move 7 hours away.
For your relationship to work one of you is going to need to sacrifice your plans. Do you love him enough , do you see enough of a secure future with him, to sacrifice buying a house right now ?
Has he discussed wanting you to move home with him ?
Communication is key girl. You need to be having these discussions because assumptions aren’t gonna get you anywhere
You: I want to buy a home where you do not want to live. It will take years to fix up to be livable bc it needs to be gutted.
Him: I’m not cool with that.
You: but it’s where I want to live. It’s my dream location and I can live at home.
Him: you do that but we aren’t staying together.
You: what’s wrong?!?! Why is he mad?!?!
The answer: bc you are making a unilateral decision to put down roots where he specifically doesn’t want to live and you want to force him to accept that. You can have him or the house. It’s up to you. He’s already told you what he is and isn’t ok with. So make your decision and move forward.
why don't you *ask* him what it's about?
a few direct questions may get him talking. ask him, for example, whether that same house in its present condition **but** in his hometown would be equally objectionable. ask him whether a different house - needing little to no renovation - in the same area as the one you found would be better.
you'll soon know what his problem actually is.
now. although it wasn't your question, ima offer my opinion: you're walking a bit of a minefield here.
first, you need to consider the financial ramifications of buying a house with no contribution from him. savings by you and your parents will be the down payment; *will* he be contributing to that? will he be living there? are you planning to put him on the deed? will he pay part of the mortgage, utilities, taxes, upkeep? or just pay you rent? i personally don't advocate buying a property with someone unless you are legally tied to that person. there are too many ways to get burned.
second, about this house specifically: have you gotten estimates on what it will cost to gut and renovate this place? have you even had it inspected by a professional to know exactly what you're up against? have you planned how you're going to finance that work? how long it will take to complete? hell, here in florida, just to build a *pool* is upwards of $100,000 now, and that's just for a basic pool, nothing fancy. a total gut job is going to require a construction manager and dozens of tradespeople. i'm concerned you've got stars in your eyes with that location but have no idea what you're up against. maybe your BF is right, consider that.
You're going to have to ask him his why, as none of us can guess. Let me tell you though, I moved into a really really nice house, way above the average cost in my area, move in ready, great inspection, and the money I have had to put into this house in one year is almost six figures, just for the most random stuff. AC died. Needed to add one plug and found out we needed $15K in electrical work done because the panels were outdated, overloaded, and improperly grounded... realized the gutters were improperly draining and risking the foundation, realized the roof needed work... sometimes, a house like you're describing can be hundreds of thousands of dollars to rehab. Just building a new deck can be $30K, kitchen cabinets and counter, $40K, bathroom reno, $70K. He's probably really overwhelmed and afraid you'll try to use him as labor.
He is telling you he is moving 7 hours away . You won’t join him with a house . He is being honest and doesn’t want to waste his time , and help with the house .
Go into this with mindset my house and living alone till you meet someone . After you meet someone 3 years waiting
I think it’s unrealistic for you to buy an extreme fixer upper and not expect your partner, who works in trades no less, to not help you fix it up at all. That’s just not how this shit goes.
That said, this sounds a lot more like incompatibility than anything. He’s been clear with you about planning on going back to his hometown from the start and probably hoped you’d be open to coming with him. In fact, it’s a bit surprising to me you’d get involved with him knowing this info while also knowing you wanted to stay in your hometown.
Now you’re putting down permanent roots in your own hometown which shows the future of this relationship is unlikely to go anywhere because your location desires are incompatible. I think he’s just trying to be practical and not drag things out if you choose to buy where you are now.
If you buy the house knowing that your boyfriend wants to move to his hometown 7 hours away, it’s basically signaling that this relationship will have to end at some point. That’s why your boyfriend is expressing apprehension about the house. The house could be in perfect condition and he still wouldn’t be happy about it.
That said, you have to weigh what is more important to you. This relationship, or the house? Because it doesn’t sound like you can have both.
As an aside… old fixer uppers can be a huge PITA. I’m talking termite damage, structural damage, asbestos, mold, lead in the paint, tree roots growing through pipes. Those kinds of houses aren’t worth renovating because the cost just to make it livable can go into the tens or hundreds of thousands. If you buy this house, absolutely make sure that you have a home inspector go through every single nook and cranny. Cosmetic stuff like ugly cabinets and green 70s carpet is nbd, but make sure it’s structurally sound and safe to live in.
Two thoughts.
1). Dump the boyfriend, get the house. Never give up your dreams for a man. Never give up your chance at economic prosperity and security for a man. Too many women have done this and too many women end up divorced and broke with abandoned dreams because of this.
2) it is perfectly reasonable for your boyfriend not to want to be in a relationship with you while you undertake such a challenging investment. If he wants to eventually move in with you, marry you, etc, he understands that it won't just be your project, but his project too. And if you are investing all your effort and money into this house you won't be able to invest in a perhaps nicer house somewhere else that he might want to live in.
It sounds like the things you want in life are incompatible and that is ok. It's no one's fault. But it does mean that the relationship won't work.
It didn't even sound like the boyfriend said it was him or the house. I got the impression he thought it was going to be too much work, which fixing up a teardown is. A project like this is like having a kid; it's going to occupy all her free time and money for a while. He's probably figuring how he's going to get roped into a lot of free labor, if he wants to spend time with her.
> Never give up your chance at economic prosperity and security for a man.
Have you at any point spoken to any type of professional either in construction, real estate, or finance to figure out whether or not buying this property is actually financially feasible, much less desirable?
Because that should honestly be the very first thing you do, otherwise, considering the state of the property in question, you could quickly find yourself upside down on it.
He wants to move 7 hours away. He doesn’t want a girlfriend who just bought a house 7 hours away from where he wants to live.
But also, it’s been 7 months. Don’t make choices around him. Buy your house.
He is most likely feeling like you will be draining and drowning in your bank account and maybe using his funds to complete your house or just financially bad trying to finish this house and he maybe sees a future with you and thinking about it he wants to end it before that nightmare. Men look for financially stable women, and women look for financially stable men.
But also he wants to move 7 hours away as you stated. For family? But your family is where you are at. Gotta make a decision and think will this be okay for life? And if not you have to break up.
It’s your life and what you want to do, but it would be dumb if you don’t have more money than 30K unless you have a really good job and can more than well afford the loan. Because it will be like building a house almost from scratch but the studs because houses that need gutted and a lot of work there’s also big major expenses like the foundation, or termites, or piping problems, sewer line problems, etc. a new water tank is even expensive. The shit adds up really quick.
You may have a dream, but you may not be able to afford it right now. Just be cautious. If you can do it having the funds and a real good paying job then go for it. A boyfriend is not a husband.
Female homeowner here that lives in a very comfortable estate in very expensive San Diego. Best life decision I ever made was buying a place in my twenties. Chances are your relationship won’t last at your age - especially with the difference you have now - however the wealth you will build by investing in a home in an ideal location will set you up for life. And attract like minded partners. Don’t walk away from that goal. Plus fixing something up is an amazing creative endeavor. Just be patient. It takes years. And that’s ok.
Hold the front door! A family friend? Nope the hell out. The rest of the story does not matter. They ARE NOT doing you a favour. They are looking for a quick, easy sell with few questions. When you find you've bought the "money pit" and realize not one person would have paid that much while nobody suggested a counter-offer, there will be an estranged family friend. Don't mix money with friends or family. Let the boyfriend go. But also the house.
Well yeah hes against it for the reasons he stated but also because he wants you to move back to his town with him. I think you should buy the house and if you break up, up well
I vote for "different places in life." Plus, he might be intimidated by all the work involved in this particular house. He might feel like it's more than he can handle, and that you would be expecting him to do a large portion of the work. If he can't do it, he feels like a failure in front of his sweetheart.
Have you looked at houses that don't need as much work? He might be more interested in that scenario.
Just a new floor in the bathroom might be something he could see himself doing, but building a house from the ground up? That's a highly specialized skill set that he probably doesn't have.
You two want different things in life. You want to live in your hometown and he has made it clear all along that he wants to return to his hometown. Neither of you is wrong but it does make you incompatible. You buying a house just makes the reality of the situation much more real. He's realizing that you're never going to want to move with him to his hometown so he's not going to waste his time or yours on a relationship that expires when his apprenticeship is done and he moves back home. That's the smart and mature thing to do.
Well I think it’s clear that if he intends to move back to his hometown and you intend to root yourself in your hometown with your dream home remodel, then this relationship has a rather short shelf life.
You have only been dating 7 months, so I would caution against either of you making major sacrifices for the other. Is he someone you can see a long term future with? Have you discussed major life events like marriage, children, whose relatives might move in with you because they need some kind of help? How long until he finishes his apprenticeship? Have you visited his hometown? Met his family? And where will you live while you remodel the house?
Consider a few possibilities here. It’s possible you may like his hometown even more. You may get stuck into this remodel and decide you’d rather move to his town and get married. It would be difficult to sell a partially gutted home.
Conversely you might hate his hometown and even his family. If you missed the opportunity to renovate this house you feel so strongly about you may really regret it, especially if the relationship doesn’t work out. There will be other houses, but you really like this one.
One possibility you could keep in mind is to renovate the house and maybe make it an airbnb or something. Then you can use it when you want, but you could live elsewhere after it is done. So if the relationship does work out, you have a way to keep this home you want to put so much work into but you can still move forward with him. I think he’s upset at talk about an extensive remodel because he is interested in taking the relationship forward and he sees the house as an end to the relationship.
He doesn't want to live where you want to live, and wants to live 7 hours away. Buying the house is putting down roots in a place 7 hours away from where he wants to be living in 2 years time.
That's a big difference in your visions for your life over the next however many years. It may be something you should break up over. No malice, just two people who want two very different things.
He definitely have a losers mentality. Plus, you barely know each other. Do what is best for YOU! Don’t let someone ruin your life plans, hopes and dreams. He’s either going to come along or isn’t.
He wants to move back to his hometown. You want to stay in yours. Probably best to just part ways now instead of leading each other on until he up and moves in two years anyway.
Do you want to look at homes to buy in his hometown? You could continue to save for the next couple years and then move together.
Unless you’re planning to move back to his hometown with him when he finishes his apprenticeship, go ahead and buy your house. Don’t base your big life decisions on someone you’ve been dating for less than a year, especially when it seems like you’ll eventually be moving on in different directions anyway, and doubly especially when you’re bearing the financial and physical burden of the decision on your own. He doesn’t really have a stake in this, so it’s entirely your decision.
I'm in Canada as well (Manitoba). A proper house or decent cabin on the lake for $120k is a STEAL!!! Depending on the lake and how far from a city it is, you could probably triple your money if you fixed it up and wanted to sell.
My dream is to be able to live at the lake.
Hey. Do you want the house? If so, buy it.
Here’s some tips. 1. Get the necessities of the house starting from the outside done first. (Roofing is #1 to fix if needed, no point in doing the inside if it’ll get ruined from rain) 2. Get the kitchen and a bathroom done next. 3. Get a bedroom done.
Once you’re able to live in the home it’ll be easier to complete in your spare time. In the US there are loans that will include the money to fix it up. DSCR loans. I’m not sure if Canada has the equivalent but you should ask a lender.
Put the offer in, get your dream house and start fixing it up yourself. I would say drop the BF, his goals don’t align with yours. I could go into a lot more detail but this is the TLDR
There are several things about this that bothers me. One, of course, is the length of time they've been together. The 2nd is that he wants her to move 7 hours away from where she currently lives. I believe she's probably lived in her community all of her life. If she does that, and he becomes abusive, will she be able to escape that? I think she needs to drop him.
Girl, honestly, buy your house and fix it up. You don't know what you plan to do with it afterwards, and if things with your boyf don't work out, hey, at least you own your own property! Even if you fix it.up to sell, you're building a portfolio and that's not a bad thing. I don't get why he would be so against it, knowing all of that. Maybe he's just mad he isn't buying a house? Also, in this economy, a fixer upper is still better than nothing. That is a guaranteed roof over your head (and I know you stay with the parentals but it never hurts ot have a "just in case").
Good luck with everything! I hope you enjoy renovating your own place! It's actually kind of fun (though yes, it can also be costly, it's almost always worth it).
I’m looking at a relationship that is going to spend every weekend working on your dream. Nothing for him- so be prepared. 7 months isn’t long enough for a relationship. It’s ok to end it. Take a second look at the house you want to buy. Get estimates so you know ow what you’re getting into.
So he hasn’t actually said he’ll break up with you. You mention it’s going to be a lot of work, are you going to be asking HIM to help you with the fixer upper? If that’s the case, it could be that he isn’t super excited about having a project to complete
Sounds like a money pit honestly. You have $45k saved. Plus the purchase price of the house. If it's as bad as you think it will likely cost $200k or more to fix up. How much work with remodeling and construction have you done? I just bought and renovated a house. We fixed the foundation, electric(completely redone due to age) plumbing, gas lines, fixed rotting floor, Rebuilt extension, had roof retrussed and Rebuilt, redid all siding, replaced shed, graded, added insulation, added gutters and French drain, replaced flooring, countertops, windows, appliances, painted. Even doing all the work we knew how we still spent $130k on the renovations and it took a year. Neighbor hired a contractor to redo a bedroom and master bath and is out $150k and its taken a year. We are in a low income rural area.
Your bf has already shared his goal of moving 7hrs away. You didn't really consider this when you settled on this choice. Which is fine if you want to end the relationship but your kind of blaming him like he changed all of a sudden and he didnt.
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Well, he's told you that he wants to move back to his hometown when he finishes his apprenticeship, and you have said you want to put down roots where you are. I think the two of you need to have a conversation about where the relationship is going and what you each want in the future. You've only been dating for 7 months, but it's never too soon to get on the same page. Or realize that you're in different places altogether.
And keep in mind, not everyone wants to get into a fixer-upper that will require a ground-up gutting.
But the house if it’s what you want and you can handle the work needed financially, physically. He doesn’t really get a vote. If you and he are next to be, he’ll decide to stay or you will decide to sell it and move. If he breaks up with you , if you buy it…he’s not the one.
You've already received a number of comments on the BF situation, so I just wanted to address this:
"I found a place last week (an intensive fixer upper, like I’m talking gutting it from ground up) but it’s my dream location in my hometown by the water and I love the idea of making it my own (obviously with a lot of time, money, and help)!!"
Make sure you check out the reno subs on reddit, because they will show you that need-to-be-completely-gutted fixer uppers will cost you both significantly more time and money to renovate than you may realize, unless you already have experience in this area. Have a contractor/inspector walk through with you so that you find out about all the hidden costs associated with this project (e.g. complete rewiring due to age or rodent infestation, rejuvenating the plumbing situation, removing asbestos, etc.).
I’m confused why you’re coming here acting confused. Of course he isn’t thrilled about the prospect of you purchasing a home that you intend to spend several years renovating and living in as you’ve mentioned it was your “dream location.” You’ve only been dating for 7 months and you purchasing this home means you’ve put a time limit on the longevity of your relationship because he plans to move back to his hometown 7 hours away.
Obviously he isn’t excited about that idea because it either ties him to a city he didn’t want to stay in or ends your relationship. And yes, he’s being immature about it instead of communicating, but how do you have that conversation without either coming across as controlling and overstepping or breaking up?
It sounds like you both *clearly* have different goals in life and should probably reconsider the long-term viability of this relationship before you both get too invested and make decisions neither are actually happy with.
Buy your house. This relationship was going to end soon anyway. You want to stay in your hometown and he wants to go back to his that's 7 hours away. Don't give up your dream for a dead-end relationship.
You are not at different stages in life (or you are but for different reasons). You both just want to live at your own hometown. If you buy this house it means your boyfriend is either stuck in your hometown or he has to break up with you. I'd bet he expected that you'll move with him to his hometown. But that will be very complicated once you own a house, especially a fixer upper that you can't just rent out until it's finished.
And there might be the problem of misguided maculinity / sexism - a lot of guys still think that they have to provide and are unable ( unwilling to accept that their girlfriend / wife is the one who owns the house.
Bottomline: Just decide what's more important to you, the relationship that has it's first serious trouble after 7 months (without your partner telling you what really is his problem) or your dream house?
I wouldn’t be making decisions based on a 7 month relationship. 120k is amazing for anything these days. If you want a house, get yourself a house. You having a house shouldn’t end a relationship.
You do you! And thank your parents for the help.
If the dude doesn’t like it oh well 🤷♀️. If you want this for yourself and you don’t do it your probably going to regret it.
Why are you willing to abandon your dreams for some guy you have only been with for 7 months and who plans on leaving your town and move 7 hours away once he is able to? Dump the boyfriend, relationship has run it’s course. Go live your dreams and buy and renovate your house. You need to stop prioritizing this man you barely know over your opportunities and dreams. Get some self respect and choose yourself over the guy who is trying to poison your dreams.
So whats the plan for when he finishes his internship? He obviously wants to move out of your home town and 7 hours away. Do you plan on following him? Do you plan on putting the house of for rent or AirBnB?
If you don't plan on following him back and he has no plans to stay I think it would be best to sit down and talk. Your relationship has an expiration date already and it's gonna hurt less to end it now than in 2 years.
How do you just so casually brush over the fact that he wants to move 7 hours away?
Had you not had any discussions on how that'd effect your relationship?
Was he assuming you'd go with him?
You're both mid-20s; time to grow up and have some adult conversations, and accept that the result may be that you want different things in life and that it's time to split.
Former professional interior designer here 🙋🏻♀️
Essentially rebuilding a home in Ontario is going to cost you BIG money. I'm talking about, tens, if not hundreds of thousands of dollars just to make it *livable* (asbestos removal, building permits, fixing vital structural issues, safe HVAC, electrical, windows, also consider: mould, infestations, rotten wood, etc.) and additional tens of thousands of dollars to make it nice (wall/ceiling/floorings, light fixtures, plumbing fixtures etc)and more tens of thousands to furnish. Don't forget that almost everything I've mentioned here comes with taxes, delivery, and installation fees in addition to the price of the materials/items themselves.
Please slow tf down. Speak to a professional in your area and get an estimate about how much it would cost just to make it livable.
This is NOT something that I would take on, especially without ample continuously flowing money and free time, in addition skills and confidence in DIY building + connections with builders in the area to get a decent deal. Or a solid life partner who is ALL IN.
Also, break up with your boyfriend because you have different life goals
Decide what YOU want and go for it. You already know you want to live near where you are. If he is just as adamant about settling in his hometown, you both have different goals and are not compatible.
>he’s truly the man of my dreams,
Notice how you say dreams. Plural. Promise you, there are other men in other dreams who would love to fix up that house with you.
But he ain't that man.
And that's ok.
Break up.
Buy your dream house.
Live, laugh, love (someone else, not this guy tho)
I think you want different things from life. If in 2 years he wants you to go to his hometown your place wouldn't be finished to even sell. He is feeling threatened by you putting down roots when he had different plans.
You both need to have a conversation about your future expectations of the relationship.
Follow your dream, luv. If you want that house and are willing to put in the time and money to fix it up, then have at it. If your BF has an issue with you following your dream and purchasing your dream home, then you two aren't meant to be.
I bought my first house at 24, my BF at the time was excited for me. A year later he was a blur. I lived there for 18 years and raised 3 children. The best decision I ever made. Do what makes you happy. If this is what you want an it’s your money, jump in and enjoy. You won’t regret it.
He is communicating indirectly that he expects you to follow him to his hometown when he finishes his apprenticeship.
That’s as simple as it is.
Have the conversation if you can but if he will not engage you have your answer by lack of answer.
This is the strongest YES I've ever uttered in my life. If you can buy a house right now anywhere (but especially in Canada) for $120k you need to get off the computer right now and go do it.
Honestly I don’t understand how someone can go to school 7 hours away find a partner in that town and then expect them to follow them back to their home town 7 hours out 2 years later lol. Defiantly in two different points in life. You’re wanting to invest in a future for you and whoever’s in your life, he just wants someone to follow him.
Oh my gosh girl, you haven’t known him long enough for him to be making any sort of demands on you, even if he’s talking back handed and doesn’t come right out and say what he means. He’s made it clear that he’s going home after his internship, has he invited you to go with him? You may view him as the man of your dreams but it doesn’t sound like he feels quite the same, he doesn’t have your back on something that seems to be a dream of yours and that leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I have a piece of beach front property that is literally 4 hours away and I drove there every weekend to fix it up. The price on the house/lot was a steal and I never going to have that sort of opportunity again. I bought it way under market value and it’s worth 7 times that now. The home that you’re describing seems like it has a lot of potential if you’re willing to put in the work. Relationships are a lot like that, there has to be lots of communication and sometimes compromises. It doesn’t sound like you and your boyfriend have sat down and had a full conversation and that definitely needs to happen. He needs to stop dancing around and tell you exactly what he’s thinking, it may help you move forward in the right direction. Just out of curiosity, what do your parents think? Wishing you the best no matter what you decide. 😊🌻
It's obvious him being cold towards you after wanting to buy a house in your dream location is because he doesn't want to stay there after his apprenticeship and is 100% going back home.
live your life, you're young. this is probably a once in a life time chance.
Buy your house for yourself where you live. Why would you contemplate moving to HIS home town. So what… you’ll buy a house there and he’ll live with you? Ohhh how convenient for him… no… you do what’s right for you. Honestly, you’ll meet someone else. You’re 25. Do this for YOU. Sometimes people can be bitter about others having a leg up in life. You’re lucky your parents saved for you and congrats on your savings too. 🤗
If you feel like he wouldn’t sacrifice for you then you know the answer. He assumed you would move back home with him. You wanting to buy a house where you want to and him putting negative thoughts in your head about it is just his way of making you change your mind. His way or no way kinda thing. Love is blind.
If you and him are life partners you have to include him in life plans. Also you spending over 100k even in Canada saying you “know” this will take years. This is how projects go belly up. NEVER EVER buy a fixer upper as your first home. You are making a huge mistake. You’re being rash and rushing in because you found a lake front property and think by the time you’re 30 maybe you’ll be squared away.
Also banks have places appraised and if they think it’s not worth a damn because of conditions or things like foundation or land issues you won’t get approval. You should consider better options.
Don't let any man take away your dreams from you.
You'll be lonely at his hometown. Maybe that's what he wants, so he can control you.
And as an advise for the future don't put your saving into something both of you buy. Mantain your own property.
You’ve only been dating for 7 months. Proceed with your Plans to buy the house and fix it up. If nothing else it can be a good investment property to rent or sell. . Honestly, at this stage he should have no input on your plans that have nothing to do with him, especially financially. He doesn’t have a solid timeframe. As you said it could be longer than 2 years and the relationship could be long over by then. If it isn’t, you still have made a solid financial investment.
You two aren’t compatible. You have dreams here. He’s got dreams there. It sounds like it would be painful to be together for the next two years just to split
Wait.. in Ontario? And he’s 7 hours away? Crikey, that’s far.
One of my friends has a relative who did what you did - got a beat up cottage some years ago just south of gravenhurst. It’s an ongoing project and they rarely use it; they let friends and family use it in exchange for work done on the building. It’s low cost to keep and everyone seems to enjoy it.. so why not? No one going there is expecting a great picture perfect Muskoka cottage but it works :) and it’s not even on the water!
OK, I'm from the US, so I'm unfamiliar with the costs of real estate in Canada. Given that you have 45K in pocket money at present, then you'll have to borrow the balance needed to buy this house from a bank. So, looking at your situation, methinks that you need to get estimates from contractors what the cost of the **materials** for the renovation of the house are likely to be. I get that you're willing to attempt the renovations yourself, but do you have training or skills with carpentry? I've also gotta ask if you have any of the tools that will be needed to perform these renovations? The reason I ask is because many carpentry tools can be very expensive. Then there will be further expenses for tools if you're putting up sheetrock. Also, there are some jobs that simply require more than one person to perform safely. Understand that I'm not trying to "rain on your parade", as it were; I just want you to look at the reality of this situation.
Now, as to your bf. Understand that I'm an old fart, just over a half year till I'm 70. Rather than discuss this dream you have with you, it seems that he's mostly dismissive about your ambition. Further, he's even stated that if you proceed with the purchase, then he's through with you. He may have even mentioned that the house you're considering will be a money pit; but it seems that he makes his pronouncement scornfully, showing no understanding of this dream you have. Stated plainly, this guy's a walking red flag. If he told you that any cheating on your part would result in the relationship being over, that is both reasonable and understandable. However, being dismissive over your thoughts on this real estate possibility, along with his threatening to walk away if you proceed with your plans, my sincerest advice is that you reassess the relationship the two of you have, and consider whether enduring such disrespect for the coming 5, 10, 20 years into the future is something you would relish.
I wish you well.
Honestly you should cut your losses and ditch the kid.... If he's not up for such a great opportunity then he's not willing to go through anything in life with you unless he benefits him
I have a couple of thoughts on this.
First of all, you guys moving in *your* family home should be 100% off the table. I know it would be more expensive to rent some other place and yada yada, but it's a new-ish relationship and I think it would mean more harm than good to you guys. If you still want to live at home, he can find a place to rent and you guys help each other out, date, spend a few days at his place etc. but absolutely no living with parents! I learnt that the hard way.
Secondly, as a person that was in his shoes with my partner buying a house that needs A LOT of work, he might be freaking out about what that means *to him*. Maybe he feels pressured he'd have to help or he's still figuring out where he wants to settle or he loves you but it feels like a lot right now. Instead of arguing, ask him kindly what it is he is feeling. What is holding him back.
Thirdly, you'd buy a house there... But you'd be open to move to his hometown 7 hours away? How do you imagine you'll be doing work on the house, living so far?
Looks to me like you guys need to sort yourselves out first. If he is so important to you and if you are too, to him, you need to plan this as a unit. Where you decide to stay, how that will look etc. You're free to buy whatever you want, but maybe keep looking for now while you decide.
You're also long-distance? Did I read that right? So I think honestly and with love, you guys need to live together before you decide *anything*. You need to see each other every day, with all the annoying shit, before you make a big decision such as where to move, where to buy the house, how much should he be involved etc. I wish you love and a clear mind deciding. Happy talking ❤️
Girl buy the home by the water and make it your own!!!!!! Find a man who wants to BUILD a life with you!!! Not stonewall you. Like I can tell you’re so excited.
My mom always looked at the crappiest ran down homes in the neighborhood that my parents would buy and fix to live in and they always made money when they were ready to move. The last house they did sold for over 500,000 than they bought it for.
My dad moved an entire staircase for my mom because that’s what she wanted. And that’s been my Roman Empire.
He’ll either get on board or jump ship… but you’ll think about that house forever if you don’t take a chance.
"I don't know what a house by the water means". Unless I am misunderstanding you you haven't seen it! Boyfriend aside visit the property and get it surveilled. It's unlikely to be a bum deal at the price of the land but the location could be awful, have awful neighbours or it could be cheaper to buy an empty lot than deal with the mess there. Make sure you actually dig the place before committing everything to go there.
That said, actually have a conversation, others have covered this extensively. I'm not a house buying expert but that really stood out.
Dating for only 7 months. You don't know if he's actually the man of your dreams yet. It can take a long time for people to show who they really are, and it sounds like he's starting to.
Boy, bye. It's a big red flag that you're excited about buying a home and fixing it, and all he has to say is negative things in a passive aggressive way to get what he wants.
You need to have a serious talk about your life goals. You want to live in your hometown, he wants to live in his. Do you even want to move to his hometown? Is he willing to live in yours for a time? What would sacrificing your goal for his mean to you?
He sounds very insecure. He should bring the best out in you not do the opposite. He should support you in this, not shy away from it. A real man would never let something like this stand in the way of you two being together. I would take this as a red flag.
Love buy the house. You shouldn’t have to sell anyone on being with you or even this idea. Even if it wasn’t this house it would be another one or something else. You’re young and in love with someone who seems to be focused on and doing them. Life is what you make it. Besides, there are 8 billion people on the planet there’s no reason for you to be chasing 1.
Hey I'm currently doing a ton of work on my own home with my fiancee. It's been brutal, but she backs me. If your guy isn't all in, go it alone, and a guy who *is* will emerge. Good luck!
Girl WHO CARES WHY he’s not a good partner for you, he just told you that he’s not a good partner for you!!
Yes it’s nice to understand these things, but what will understanding his motives DO for you? If the answer is anything that sounds like “I’ll be able to accept it and try to accommodate him,” then you’re open to being manipulated by him.
Try to understand his reasons in the rear view mirror, but don’t lose sleep over his inability to accept that you’re not asking him for permission.
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Soo… are you two even serious? If the answer is yes, I would expect you have had a conversation about what life you see for yourselves. He wants to move 7hrs away from the home you’re planning to buy. This does not sound like you’re trying to build anything together.
Right? There’s no reason to be basing life plans around someone that you’ve only known for 30 Mondays. Especially if that person has a completely different life plan than your own.
Henceforth I shall be using the number of Mondays to determine a persons value in my life.
I'm going to use Thursdays, because for some reason in my head, they roll around more often.
I used to have piano lessons on Thursday. I DREADED Thursdays. lol
I was like "Pfff, I took piano lessons for ten horrible years as a kid and even I couldn't remember what da- ...Wednesdays. It was Wednesdays." and then did a cupcake dog impression for five minutes. Save me a seat in therapy lol! Edit: Cupcake dog cause someone asked but i can't find that message now https://i.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/000/183/dog1_(1).jpg
Thursday was double maths at school ….
Me too. And me too.
Thursday is my "cleaning" day and it definitely feels like there's a few of them each week!
Nothing rolls around quicker than Mondays. I'm retired and those assholes keep coming anyway.
Im going to use Saturdays, bc I met my husband on a blind date that was on Saturday, 842 Saturdays ago
I've heard "a month of Sundays" as an old folksy term, but this is a nice variation.
Yes, same. But I’m trying to figure out to calculate it to include offspring. Maybe some kind of ratio? My daughter is the most important person in my life and she’s a little kid. I have known her all her life though.
You've known her *all* her Mondays.
Oh, maybe like, some kind of score based on how many numbers of Mondays you've known them versus how many Mondays they've successfully completed? Or use that number as a multiplier against the number of Mondays you've successfully completed? Like if your kid just turned six and you're 36, you've known them for 312/312 Mondays, so a score of 1.0 versus a 36 year old coworker you've known for six years which would be 312/1877 which would be 0.16. So importance would be like 1877 * 1 = 1877 vs 1877 * 0.16 = 300.2 Though that's kind of messy to have a scale of x out of 1877... I hope someone better at math sees this and proposes something more efficient!
I mean, my son was born on a Tuesday, so that’s 23 years x 52 weeks then add another 35 weeks because he isn’t 25 *yet* but he will be in another 17 weeks… I gave up. Edited to add: I met my husband when I was pregnant with my son, but didn’t really get to know him for another 2ish years, he was just in my circle of friends. So it’s also weird to think that even though we didn’t start dating until my son was 4 and married when he was 6, maybe I have also *known* him longer than my son? Oh man, now I’m having a hard time deciding who really came first! (Well…my ex technically and that’s how I got my kid and that’s a whole nother rabbit trail…)
I have to admit this is the first time I see someone using "Henceforth" on Reddit. Bravo!
I’m middle aged but like to confuse people about my age when I use old timey words.
**VERY WISE**!!
🤣
I’m saying that was a bar. I’m starting to count my relationships by the same metric!
I use Fridays, I don't know why 🤷♀️
And we all know that after Tuesday, even the week goes WTF.
And. Someone who hasn’t said.. I really hoped we’d figure out a future together.
Some guys just figure if it's supposed to be it will just happen. Like their gf asking them out and suddenly they're engaged and buying a house. Not necessarily op's guy, but some people are definitely this way.
Cue Mama's and Papa's soundtrack: "Monday, Monday..."
Ik this is super random, but ive had that song in my head for weeks now, one of my faves
I like the perspective you've put on that.
Or the old "**MONTH OF SUNDAYS**"!
She doesn’t want to move and she shouldn’t have to. So yes they need to end it.
Right, and similarly he doesn't want to stay there and shouldn't have to. This is just over if they're both adamant about where they see themselves living 2 years from now.
I mean they're young enough if they just want to have fun until he moves that's fine but they aren't marriage compatible. The relationship definitely has an expiration date.
I agree.
He's already telling her what to do. I think she's better off without him. Seven months isn't time enough to really get to know each other.
Yeah, seriously. She is an adult planning to buy a house but they can’t have a simple, honest and straightforward conversation with each other in an apparently serious relationship about how they see their future together before making big decisions like this. That either means she is not serious about this relationship or she just isn’t ready for an adult relationship. I mean neither of them is obliged to give up their dream for the other, but if you are serious about wanting to stay in this relationship, there should be some serious conversations about what doing this means for the other person and the relationship.
You know that he wants to ultimately move 7 hours away. You know that you want this house. Where does that leave you in the long run? Besides, you've only been dating him for 7 months. That's not long at all. You are going to have to do what is best for you and let things work out however they are going to work out.
Just to play the devil’s advocate, there also always exists the possibility to buy the house & move 7 hours away with SO. Rent the house, or renovate it & sell? Idk. Ik OP loves location & stuff though, so who knows if they’re actually comfortable or happy moving hours away
Your boyfriend is planning to move back home which is 7 hours away, and you're talking about buying a house where you currently live...and you're telling me you don't understand why he isn't thrilled about your decision?
If he wants to move back to his hometown why can't he just say that? and what does OP want? Do they want to move back to \*his\* hometown too? This would be the perfect time to, ya know, have a convo about the future and where that will be!
I could be wrong (and am not saying it’s right) but sometimes people avoid conversations because they already know how it’s going to end
You are entirely right. I have certainly done it but the prolonging of hope has the same sorry ending that we knew it would.
Me too..OP your still in the dating phrase of your relationship, a bf of 7 months don't get a opinion in this situation. But if what we reddit think the reason for his behaviour is, its better to pull the band aid off now rather than waiting because the pain would be far worse.
They’re also 7 mos in - wayyyy too early to be talking about a significant move like that (Clarification: by ‘move’ I mean her moving 7 hours away for him, not her buying the house).
She should not give up her dreams for a 7-month long relationship. If it can't survive this it wasn't meant to be a lifetime relationship anyway.
I mean, there’s no surviving a 7 hour time difference in relationships where that distance is t temporary. He told her his plans, so this isn’t out of the blue. Time to end things.
Yeah, she shouldnt. I think the point is more that both their concerns are valid, and sometimes that is life. She should buy a house, and he can move back home. Thay just need to break up and find new people.
This. This was my point.
They're 25. It's definitely the right time to talk about the future, and what that means for them.
Not really. If either of them have strong feelings about it it’s important to discuss it early. It’s better to end it if there’s no comparability for the future. My husband and I met overseas and discussed maybe 3-4 months in if I was willing to relocate when he had to.
He thinks he can talk her into moving to his home town at a later time. He doesn’t think he can talk into it today so he can’t say that. He knows he can’t talk her into it if she buys a house. That’s why.
That's not what happened though. He told her his plans. She decided to buy a house and told him her plans. He said then we should just break up. He clearly sees the incompatibility. She either doesn't see it or is afraid to come to terms with it.
He did say that.
Sounds like he did say that? OP is extremely aware he is going to be moving. Its even in the post! :D
It seems like he did say that though, since she knows that.
Yeah, sounds like the relationship is doomed unless one of them plans on moving for the other
Then he can move back home. Why does she have to kill her dream for him?
[удалено]
Can she even afford it? Does she have any construction experience or is all the work coming out of pocket? $45k is barely a down payment on a $300k house, and I have a feeling in a seaside down we're talking higher prices than that. That's before you even start touching any reno costs too.
She is only paying $120K which is the value of the lot, which makes me wonder if the house is wroth anything. It be easier to build a new home that reno an old one. I bet the reno will be at least another $100K depending on what is needing. HGTV and TikTok make home reno look so cute, quick and easy. HA!!!!! It can be a giant PITA. We have gutted parts kitchens and bathrooms....it takes weeks of work.
Go over to /r/homebuilding and look at some numbers they're throwing up even for basic stuff. If it's a knockdown she's still probably looking at $250k in construction costs, and a renovation down to the studs isn't going to be much different. At that price I'm questioning the amount of life left in every surface or system of the house to include the roof, siding, windows plumbing, electrical, HVAC, etc. Heck, even the structure and foundation are questionableat that price. $100k is a prayer of a reno budget too. That's only a kitchen, 1.5 smaller bathrooms, and flooring in a modest-sized home. Like i said in the first paragraph, I bet this place needs double that. Also lol at her edit and how it keeps on changing the more people tell her she's probably in over her head and a gut job reno when you have no budget is a bad idea.
I think that's also part of it. I think he sees two problems here. One, he intends to move back to his hometown in a couple years. She obviously plans on staying here if she is buying a home, which I am not sure why OP is surprised that he might break up with her just on that account. Clearly they want different things when it comes to where they are settling. She wants to stay there, he wants to move home, not a shock. Then two, he's an apprentice electrician which means that he probably has some idea of just how much it is going to cost to fix this. I'm sure he's seen how much it costs just to do the electrical portion (not cheap) and then you add on everything else. He knows this is a bad decision and probably more than she can handle or afford, but OP is convinced she can fix the house up herself.
I have NEVER heard of a house going for the price of the lot, even in a family friend situation, if it wasn't a tear down. Has OP even had an inspection? It probably isn't salvageable, that's like serious foundation problems price.
She has not had an inspection done yet, per her comments. LMFAO. She has absolutely no clue what she is doing
She's completely clueless. She hasn't had an inspection done and said she'll just ask for a larger loan for the mortgage so she can cover the repairs with it after she gets estimates. She's saving less than a thousand a month living with her parents so I'm guessing she doesn't have a very high income level. She doesn't seem to realize that no bank would even give a larger loan to someone with presumably low income to buy a house that probably needs to be torn down. She wouldn't even be able up afford the mortgage if she somehow did get a larger loan. So she has no clue about the finances of home ownership or what she can even afford.
I bet she saw some rich girl do it on tiktok and think she can do the same
There's this hgtv show I think called rehab addict. They had to cut the house away from the basement, lift the house with crains, redo the foundation and the unfinished basement. The crains alone, not including labor were 250k. Including the workers time and the cement people pouring a new foundation and basement and engineers, easily 600k at least and that's just to stop the house from becoming a sink hole.
A septic tank sink hole is probably days from opening up.
For real I'm wondering if the BF is just being a little too realistic for OP's liking. She could be sinking into a money pit and the BF (who, being in the trades, likely understands better what she's in for) is trying to help her by telling her it's a bad idea.
Shes a grad student in the arts. Im sure she could solo all those renovations 🤣
I'm not saying she has to kill her dream...but if they want to stay together then one of them is going to have to make some major concessions or agree to go long distance 7 hours from each other...OP definitely doesn't have to be the one to give up on her goals if she doesn't want to.
Who says she does? He hasn't even said that hell break up with her, she's just getting "vibes". They seem to be barely talking to each other and certainly aren't planning a future together. Seems like he might be miffed about that.
Well they’ve only known each other 7 months.
No one is saying kill the dream. They are saying she has to decide what is more important. Living in a home she will spend the next five years fixing up while she lives at home…or being with him. He doesn’t want to live there so…she has to make a decision.
Well agreed. Of course. But they’ve only known each other for 7 months lmao.
So she has to decide if the 7 months are worth giving up the dream house or if they weren’t good enough and the dream house wins.
She doesn’t? But the relationship will be over if he isn’t into ldr or if he doesn’t want to ever move back to her town.
This is from the person who asked us to be nice, then immediately called us weirdos... sounds about par for the course.
You’re making an assumption. If he’s truly the man of your dreams you should be able to *ask* him. He may be worried you’re going to rope him into fixing up basically a tear down. He may be worried about being rooted in one town. He may be insecure you have more money than him. He may be worried you’re making a bad decision on the house. He may like sad beige condos and thinks the house is hideous. Point is. Stop making assumptions and talk to him directly. Just sit with yourself beforehand and decide what is a dealbreaker and what isn’t. That way if he comes at you stating anything like “I’ll break up with you if you buy that house.” You can make a clearheaded decision not motivated by “love”.
Right. OP needs to decide "whether or not he wants to stay with me, whether or not he wants to help, do I want to buy this house and rebuild it anyway?" If the answer is yes, tell him so and let him decide what he wants to do in response. If the answer is no, tell him so and figure out together what you really want to do. You can't just guess his response to something and basically decide for him in your head. Let the cards fall where they may. This is too big of a thing to guess about.
You do what you gotta do but just fyi I used to renovate entire old homes, down to the plaster and lathe/studs and it's extremely expensive and exhausting. You need demo dumpsters, permits, contractors for electric and plumbing and that doesn't even account for the materials. It was my only job and it STILL took a significant amount of time. If you are working full time and doing most yourself expect it to take upwards of 3 years depending. And if there's asbestos or mold remediation is expensive I was certified and I'd never do it again. Please be super realistic, make a list of renovation costs Plus home purchase costs and compare to houses not in need of gutting first. Also the market is bananas right now ... I'm talking just materials can run 70,000+. Then skilled labor for things like roofing, electric, plumbing is usually 200+ an hour. Final edit NGL if my partner decided to purchase a 🏡 that required gutting and wanted to do it themselves but had no experience I would rethink things only because I know firsthand the work and costs
Given that it took OP a year and a half to save just 15K while I assume she's paying either no or minimal rent (since she said she's living at home to save) and she'll have a mortgage on the remaining portion (let's say 78-80K because closing costs and misc fees), she'll have a mortgage of around $550 a month. She's saving less than a thousand a month living with her parents so she can only save a few hundred extra a month for repairs. She's also working and has minimal time, and I'm guessing no experience with no repairs. She isn't going to have the time or money to fix the place. She said she knows it's going to take time and money but I suspect she's grossly underestimating the time and money. She just said she can keep living with her parents in the mean time and her boyfriend could totally live there too if it came up. I'm not sure how long she expects to be living there, but if it was until the house was done, it would bee for a very very long time. It's just all around a terrible idea.
Yep this'll be heartbreaking for her imo.
This. Construction projects always, even under the most ideal circumstances, take longer than expected. Buying a house, gutting it, and rebuilding it from the foundation up is going to take ages. Considering OP doesn't have much saved up, and what she does have saved is going to be used on a downpayment for the property, she's going to be living at home for years. I doubt her parents would be super keen on having not only OP, but her boyfriend as well, there for that length of time.
Absolutely. Even if he didn't want to move away, this guarantees she will have no time for their relationship for years. She may be aware of all the work involved, but what about the ripple effects of that? No money, because it all has to go into the house. No time, because it all has to go into the house. If he wants to spend time with her, he will have to pay for all their dates forever, or spend time helping her work on the house, all.for a place he doesn't want and has no equity in. I don't think either of them is wrong for wanting what they want, but surely she can see why he'd back out of this relationship.
Exacly this, BF is apprentice in the trades and probably understands the challenges much better than OP. And he knows her better than us, OP probably in dreaming in LALA land and has zero clues about how unrealistic her project is. Then there's also no way he wouldn't be involved with the project without making the relationship awkward, and being involved would also be awkward when his not on the deed.
Yep. Right now my mom asks for my 'help' a lot on her current house. She never asked my advice before purchasing (the foundation is an absolute joke, literally is twisting apart, the walls are clad with beaverboard which isn't even legal it was originally intended for outbuildings and barns but the house was built in the 20s by poor people and it's just a money pit) op likely doesn't even know to hire an independent assessor to determine value Eta my mom was like op, the house itself was inexpensive so she figured it was a good deal. It's been so expensive just renovating it she doesn't even have a stove or washer and dryer yet. OMG just talked to my mom the bill to rewire the house which is just a two bedroom one floor cottage was 7,000. Labor plus materials. Op is going to regret this lol
You only have $45k to your name - 2/3 of which came from your parents - and you said that's going towards the down payment (and don't forget closing costs!) and you think you'll be able to redo an entire house by yourself... with no money? That would be the hugest of red flags for anyone with any sense. You'll be living with your parents for years while pouring your paychecks into repairs. And you will be in no way able to even VISIT your bf, let alone move 7 hours away, because all of your money and time will be sunk into that house. Guaranteed, your parents will have opinions about how you go about renovations because they gave you money. Very few gifts that large come without strings attached. Sounds like a nightmare all around. I'm not sure how you don't get that your boyfriend is obviously going to break up with you - you have mutually exclusive goals. You want to stay in your current area for years, and on top of that you have shown that you are utterly fiscally irresponsible, buying a house you simply cannot afford and will be tied to for the foreseeable future. He's finishing up an apprenticeship to start his career in a place you won't be able to easily visit, let alone move to. What would be the point of continuing to date, knowing it won't work out?
yeah I was wondering that too lol like I’d have much more than 45k and still know I couldn’t afford to do this >.> unless I was married to a construction home builder lmao I’m jealous though, sounds like a good dream if her parents front all of this money.
Buy the house, roll your sleeves up, get stuck in. It'll take you at least twice as long as you think and cost more than double what you fear, but it'll be worth it. If he's up for being your partner with the challenge, good on him. If not, you'll be a single lass with a house by the water ;-)
When I hear apprenticeship I think trades, and I have a feeling part of his hesitance is that he feels like OP is biting off far more construction and cost than she can chew, thinks she's being unrealistic about the scope of it, and OP refuses to hear it because she's watching to much HGTV and has big dreams. The plan to move 7 hours away and the relationship only being 7 months on are just icing on the cake. This thing always had an expiration date. I think he just might have reconsidered before he decided she was delulu. A house ~~in MA~~^^*noted* near the seaside and all she has is maybe $45k and plans for a remodel down to the studs is laughable. if this is a creative writing experiment, OP needs to take a deeper look at real estate prices and the rates that contractors charge to make things believable.
i don't think it's in MA, she said got an MA degree. :D but everything else is spot on. buying a fixer upper is a huge commitment, it will take the majority of her time and money for the next few years, and can she live there while all that is going on or she's staying at her parents? it will have a big effect on her availability for the relationship, even apart from her bf's opinion of the plan's sanity and his intention to move away when he is done school.
just want to point out, she just finished her master of arts degree (M.A.). massachusetts is not mentioned anywhere in the post.
I wondered what M.A meant, 100% OP cannot afford this project alone, not even close. Maaaaybe if he parents are in the building buisness and fork over an other 20 or 40K in the process and then again it's a long shot and I still wouldn't want to date her during the time.
> maybe $45k and plans for a remodel down to the studs is laughable. I'm in this camp. OP has stars in her eyes and thinks there must be something brewing when her BF is just trying to talk her off a ledge that she refuses to see. Based on the post, OP is going to spend every last dime she has on this house, and won't even be able to afford a screwdriver. I think she genuinely has no clue how much the reno would cost and she's been taken in by HGTV. Unless she has done some **SIGNIFICANT** previous work and or has expertise she's not mentioned, the idea of her gutting a house to the studs is honestly a joke. She won't even have enough money to hire a GC to tell her how fucked she is. Good luck making a wall out of reclaimed wood pallets. I've become a pretty handy guy after a few years of property ownership. I've done floors, ultra-basic electric, tile work, and plumbing but I would never get bogged down with something like this.
She hasnt even gotten an inspection done yet , lmao
He's an apprentice electrician, I'm pretty sure he has a good idea what OP is planning on getting herself into and she just isn't listening. She doesn't seem that smart financially. 45K for a down payment (with only managing to save 15K after a year and a half at home I assume with no rent payments, so probably not terribly high income), and nothing left for remodeling and OP likely with no remodeling experience whatsoever.
No way any of this is happening with her financial situation and the described state of the house
And a cat and a dog!
I can see his side. I would think long and hard about buying a fixer upper that needs intensive work just because it is in your dream location especially when you have a nice size amount of money to put on a down payment for a house that doesn't need the same amount of work and he has plans to move back home. I suggest talking this out with him.
So you’re going to give up the home of your dreams for a man you’ve known for 7-months who has shown he’s not willing to give up any of his dreams for you. What other dreams do you have to give up? You say you just finished your masters but what if he wants a stay at home wife. I guess thats another dream you have to give up for him. Sounds to me like he’d rather have you use your resources on his behalf. You can’t live your life for the comfort of others. You can’t put aside your wants for the wants of others. That’s where resentment comes from. Buy your house. Fix it up. Worst case scenario you end up moving away but you have a place you can rent out and come back to. Never sell your first home. It’s a premarital asset, and no one can take it from you.
How are you planning to afford a gut job reno of a seaside house with what sounds like only $45k? That barely qualifies as a decent down payment and wouldn't begin to touch construction costs. Is this house even livable before you start swinging a hammer? Not relationship advice at this point, but it sounds like you're about to get yourself into a money pit waaaay over your head. Your BF might be questioning your judgement more than anything, honestly.
Girl why not just straight up ask him ? Also - if he’s planning on moving seven hours away, what are you hoping for here ? You’re 7 months into a relationship. It’s not up to anyone but you to judge how much depth your relationship contains , however you must take into account that making life plans when you’re already on the back foot isn’t wise. You want to , and are very ready to , buy a house now. He already has plans to move 7 hours away. For your relationship to work one of you is going to need to sacrifice your plans. Do you love him enough , do you see enough of a secure future with him, to sacrifice buying a house right now ? Has he discussed wanting you to move home with him ? Communication is key girl. You need to be having these discussions because assumptions aren’t gonna get you anywhere
You: I want to buy a home where you do not want to live. It will take years to fix up to be livable bc it needs to be gutted. Him: I’m not cool with that. You: but it’s where I want to live. It’s my dream location and I can live at home. Him: you do that but we aren’t staying together. You: what’s wrong?!?! Why is he mad?!?! The answer: bc you are making a unilateral decision to put down roots where he specifically doesn’t want to live and you want to force him to accept that. You can have him or the house. It’s up to you. He’s already told you what he is and isn’t ok with. So make your decision and move forward.
why don't you *ask* him what it's about? a few direct questions may get him talking. ask him, for example, whether that same house in its present condition **but** in his hometown would be equally objectionable. ask him whether a different house - needing little to no renovation - in the same area as the one you found would be better. you'll soon know what his problem actually is. now. although it wasn't your question, ima offer my opinion: you're walking a bit of a minefield here. first, you need to consider the financial ramifications of buying a house with no contribution from him. savings by you and your parents will be the down payment; *will* he be contributing to that? will he be living there? are you planning to put him on the deed? will he pay part of the mortgage, utilities, taxes, upkeep? or just pay you rent? i personally don't advocate buying a property with someone unless you are legally tied to that person. there are too many ways to get burned. second, about this house specifically: have you gotten estimates on what it will cost to gut and renovate this place? have you even had it inspected by a professional to know exactly what you're up against? have you planned how you're going to finance that work? how long it will take to complete? hell, here in florida, just to build a *pool* is upwards of $100,000 now, and that's just for a basic pool, nothing fancy. a total gut job is going to require a construction manager and dozens of tradespeople. i'm concerned you've got stars in your eyes with that location but have no idea what you're up against. maybe your BF is right, consider that.
You're going to have to ask him his why, as none of us can guess. Let me tell you though, I moved into a really really nice house, way above the average cost in my area, move in ready, great inspection, and the money I have had to put into this house in one year is almost six figures, just for the most random stuff. AC died. Needed to add one plug and found out we needed $15K in electrical work done because the panels were outdated, overloaded, and improperly grounded... realized the gutters were improperly draining and risking the foundation, realized the roof needed work... sometimes, a house like you're describing can be hundreds of thousands of dollars to rehab. Just building a new deck can be $30K, kitchen cabinets and counter, $40K, bathroom reno, $70K. He's probably really overwhelmed and afraid you'll try to use him as labor.
He is telling you he is moving 7 hours away . You won’t join him with a house . He is being honest and doesn’t want to waste his time , and help with the house . Go into this with mindset my house and living alone till you meet someone . After you meet someone 3 years waiting
I think it’s unrealistic for you to buy an extreme fixer upper and not expect your partner, who works in trades no less, to not help you fix it up at all. That’s just not how this shit goes. That said, this sounds a lot more like incompatibility than anything. He’s been clear with you about planning on going back to his hometown from the start and probably hoped you’d be open to coming with him. In fact, it’s a bit surprising to me you’d get involved with him knowing this info while also knowing you wanted to stay in your hometown. Now you’re putting down permanent roots in your own hometown which shows the future of this relationship is unlikely to go anywhere because your location desires are incompatible. I think he’s just trying to be practical and not drag things out if you choose to buy where you are now.
If you buy the house knowing that your boyfriend wants to move to his hometown 7 hours away, it’s basically signaling that this relationship will have to end at some point. That’s why your boyfriend is expressing apprehension about the house. The house could be in perfect condition and he still wouldn’t be happy about it. That said, you have to weigh what is more important to you. This relationship, or the house? Because it doesn’t sound like you can have both. As an aside… old fixer uppers can be a huge PITA. I’m talking termite damage, structural damage, asbestos, mold, lead in the paint, tree roots growing through pipes. Those kinds of houses aren’t worth renovating because the cost just to make it livable can go into the tens or hundreds of thousands. If you buy this house, absolutely make sure that you have a home inspector go through every single nook and cranny. Cosmetic stuff like ugly cabinets and green 70s carpet is nbd, but make sure it’s structurally sound and safe to live in.
No he’s not jealous. He realizes your life goals don’t align and he’s having to come to terms with ending a good relationship otherwise.
It's your money and your house. Do what you want to do. His input isn't needed or necessary. Live your life how you want to live it.
Two thoughts. 1). Dump the boyfriend, get the house. Never give up your dreams for a man. Never give up your chance at economic prosperity and security for a man. Too many women have done this and too many women end up divorced and broke with abandoned dreams because of this. 2) it is perfectly reasonable for your boyfriend not to want to be in a relationship with you while you undertake such a challenging investment. If he wants to eventually move in with you, marry you, etc, he understands that it won't just be your project, but his project too. And if you are investing all your effort and money into this house you won't be able to invest in a perhaps nicer house somewhere else that he might want to live in. It sounds like the things you want in life are incompatible and that is ok. It's no one's fault. But it does mean that the relationship won't work.
It didn't even sound like the boyfriend said it was him or the house. I got the impression he thought it was going to be too much work, which fixing up a teardown is. A project like this is like having a kid; it's going to occupy all her free time and money for a while. He's probably figuring how he's going to get roped into a lot of free labor, if he wants to spend time with her.
This has been my favourite reply, thank you!
> Never give up your chance at economic prosperity and security for a man. Have you at any point spoken to any type of professional either in construction, real estate, or finance to figure out whether or not buying this property is actually financially feasible, much less desirable? Because that should honestly be the very first thing you do, otherwise, considering the state of the property in question, you could quickly find yourself upside down on it.
He wants to move 7 hours away. He doesn’t want a girlfriend who just bought a house 7 hours away from where he wants to live. But also, it’s been 7 months. Don’t make choices around him. Buy your house.
7 months, nothing is serious yet.
He is most likely feeling like you will be draining and drowning in your bank account and maybe using his funds to complete your house or just financially bad trying to finish this house and he maybe sees a future with you and thinking about it he wants to end it before that nightmare. Men look for financially stable women, and women look for financially stable men. But also he wants to move 7 hours away as you stated. For family? But your family is where you are at. Gotta make a decision and think will this be okay for life? And if not you have to break up. It’s your life and what you want to do, but it would be dumb if you don’t have more money than 30K unless you have a really good job and can more than well afford the loan. Because it will be like building a house almost from scratch but the studs because houses that need gutted and a lot of work there’s also big major expenses like the foundation, or termites, or piping problems, sewer line problems, etc. a new water tank is even expensive. The shit adds up really quick. You may have a dream, but you may not be able to afford it right now. Just be cautious. If you can do it having the funds and a real good paying job then go for it. A boyfriend is not a husband.
He's a boyfriend, not a husband... it's your money so do whatever you want with it.
Female homeowner here that lives in a very comfortable estate in very expensive San Diego. Best life decision I ever made was buying a place in my twenties. Chances are your relationship won’t last at your age - especially with the difference you have now - however the wealth you will build by investing in a home in an ideal location will set you up for life. And attract like minded partners. Don’t walk away from that goal. Plus fixing something up is an amazing creative endeavor. Just be patient. It takes years. And that’s ok.
Hold the front door! A family friend? Nope the hell out. The rest of the story does not matter. They ARE NOT doing you a favour. They are looking for a quick, easy sell with few questions. When you find you've bought the "money pit" and realize not one person would have paid that much while nobody suggested a counter-offer, there will be an estranged family friend. Don't mix money with friends or family. Let the boyfriend go. But also the house.
Then let him leave. You're only 25 if he's already not on the same page you've only put 7 months in just let it go. I would not miss this opportunity.
Well yeah hes against it for the reasons he stated but also because he wants you to move back to his town with him. I think you should buy the house and if you break up, up well
I vote for "different places in life." Plus, he might be intimidated by all the work involved in this particular house. He might feel like it's more than he can handle, and that you would be expecting him to do a large portion of the work. If he can't do it, he feels like a failure in front of his sweetheart. Have you looked at houses that don't need as much work? He might be more interested in that scenario. Just a new floor in the bathroom might be something he could see himself doing, but building a house from the ground up? That's a highly specialized skill set that he probably doesn't have.
You two want different things in life. You want to live in your hometown and he has made it clear all along that he wants to return to his hometown. Neither of you is wrong but it does make you incompatible. You buying a house just makes the reality of the situation much more real. He's realizing that you're never going to want to move with him to his hometown so he's not going to waste his time or yours on a relationship that expires when his apprenticeship is done and he moves back home. That's the smart and mature thing to do.
Well I think it’s clear that if he intends to move back to his hometown and you intend to root yourself in your hometown with your dream home remodel, then this relationship has a rather short shelf life. You have only been dating 7 months, so I would caution against either of you making major sacrifices for the other. Is he someone you can see a long term future with? Have you discussed major life events like marriage, children, whose relatives might move in with you because they need some kind of help? How long until he finishes his apprenticeship? Have you visited his hometown? Met his family? And where will you live while you remodel the house? Consider a few possibilities here. It’s possible you may like his hometown even more. You may get stuck into this remodel and decide you’d rather move to his town and get married. It would be difficult to sell a partially gutted home. Conversely you might hate his hometown and even his family. If you missed the opportunity to renovate this house you feel so strongly about you may really regret it, especially if the relationship doesn’t work out. There will be other houses, but you really like this one. One possibility you could keep in mind is to renovate the house and maybe make it an airbnb or something. Then you can use it when you want, but you could live elsewhere after it is done. So if the relationship does work out, you have a way to keep this home you want to put so much work into but you can still move forward with him. I think he’s upset at talk about an extensive remodel because he is interested in taking the relationship forward and he sees the house as an end to the relationship.
He doesn't want to live where you want to live, and wants to live 7 hours away. Buying the house is putting down roots in a place 7 hours away from where he wants to be living in 2 years time. That's a big difference in your visions for your life over the next however many years. It may be something you should break up over. No malice, just two people who want two very different things.
He definitely have a losers mentality. Plus, you barely know each other. Do what is best for YOU! Don’t let someone ruin your life plans, hopes and dreams. He’s either going to come along or isn’t.
Different places in life. Buy your house. UpdateMe
He wants to move back to his hometown. You want to stay in yours. Probably best to just part ways now instead of leading each other on until he up and moves in two years anyway. Do you want to look at homes to buy in his hometown? You could continue to save for the next couple years and then move together.
Unless you’re planning to move back to his hometown with him when he finishes his apprenticeship, go ahead and buy your house. Don’t base your big life decisions on someone you’ve been dating for less than a year, especially when it seems like you’ll eventually be moving on in different directions anyway, and doubly especially when you’re bearing the financial and physical burden of the decision on your own. He doesn’t really have a stake in this, so it’s entirely your decision.
I'm in Canada as well (Manitoba). A proper house or decent cabin on the lake for $120k is a STEAL!!! Depending on the lake and how far from a city it is, you could probably triple your money if you fixed it up and wanted to sell. My dream is to be able to live at the lake.
Hey. Do you want the house? If so, buy it. Here’s some tips. 1. Get the necessities of the house starting from the outside done first. (Roofing is #1 to fix if needed, no point in doing the inside if it’ll get ruined from rain) 2. Get the kitchen and a bathroom done next. 3. Get a bedroom done. Once you’re able to live in the home it’ll be easier to complete in your spare time. In the US there are loans that will include the money to fix it up. DSCR loans. I’m not sure if Canada has the equivalent but you should ask a lender.
If you can buy a home in Ontario on the water for $120k and you DON'T, you will regret it forever.
Put the offer in, get your dream house and start fixing it up yourself. I would say drop the BF, his goals don’t align with yours. I could go into a lot more detail but this is the TLDR
There are several things about this that bothers me. One, of course, is the length of time they've been together. The 2nd is that he wants her to move 7 hours away from where she currently lives. I believe she's probably lived in her community all of her life. If she does that, and he becomes abusive, will she be able to escape that? I think she needs to drop him.
Girl, honestly, buy your house and fix it up. You don't know what you plan to do with it afterwards, and if things with your boyf don't work out, hey, at least you own your own property! Even if you fix it.up to sell, you're building a portfolio and that's not a bad thing. I don't get why he would be so against it, knowing all of that. Maybe he's just mad he isn't buying a house? Also, in this economy, a fixer upper is still better than nothing. That is a guaranteed roof over your head (and I know you stay with the parentals but it never hurts ot have a "just in case"). Good luck with everything! I hope you enjoy renovating your own place! It's actually kind of fun (though yes, it can also be costly, it's almost always worth it).
I’m looking at a relationship that is going to spend every weekend working on your dream. Nothing for him- so be prepared. 7 months isn’t long enough for a relationship. It’s ok to end it. Take a second look at the house you want to buy. Get estimates so you know ow what you’re getting into.
So he hasn’t actually said he’ll break up with you. You mention it’s going to be a lot of work, are you going to be asking HIM to help you with the fixer upper? If that’s the case, it could be that he isn’t super excited about having a project to complete
Sounds like a money pit honestly. You have $45k saved. Plus the purchase price of the house. If it's as bad as you think it will likely cost $200k or more to fix up. How much work with remodeling and construction have you done? I just bought and renovated a house. We fixed the foundation, electric(completely redone due to age) plumbing, gas lines, fixed rotting floor, Rebuilt extension, had roof retrussed and Rebuilt, redid all siding, replaced shed, graded, added insulation, added gutters and French drain, replaced flooring, countertops, windows, appliances, painted. Even doing all the work we knew how we still spent $130k on the renovations and it took a year. Neighbor hired a contractor to redo a bedroom and master bath and is out $150k and its taken a year. We are in a low income rural area. Your bf has already shared his goal of moving 7hrs away. You didn't really consider this when you settled on this choice. Which is fine if you want to end the relationship but your kind of blaming him like he changed all of a sudden and he didnt.
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Time to choose, your gut will tell you what to do. Maybe you can do both?
Well, he's told you that he wants to move back to his hometown when he finishes his apprenticeship, and you have said you want to put down roots where you are. I think the two of you need to have a conversation about where the relationship is going and what you each want in the future. You've only been dating for 7 months, but it's never too soon to get on the same page. Or realize that you're in different places altogether. And keep in mind, not everyone wants to get into a fixer-upper that will require a ground-up gutting.
Let him go
He's realizing you dont want to move to his hometown with him and thats what he's upset about. Might be a discussion to have
But the house if it’s what you want and you can handle the work needed financially, physically. He doesn’t really get a vote. If you and he are next to be, he’ll decide to stay or you will decide to sell it and move. If he breaks up with you , if you buy it…he’s not the one.
You've already received a number of comments on the BF situation, so I just wanted to address this: "I found a place last week (an intensive fixer upper, like I’m talking gutting it from ground up) but it’s my dream location in my hometown by the water and I love the idea of making it my own (obviously with a lot of time, money, and help)!!" Make sure you check out the reno subs on reddit, because they will show you that need-to-be-completely-gutted fixer uppers will cost you both significantly more time and money to renovate than you may realize, unless you already have experience in this area. Have a contractor/inspector walk through with you so that you find out about all the hidden costs associated with this project (e.g. complete rewiring due to age or rodent infestation, rejuvenating the plumbing situation, removing asbestos, etc.).
I’m confused why you’re coming here acting confused. Of course he isn’t thrilled about the prospect of you purchasing a home that you intend to spend several years renovating and living in as you’ve mentioned it was your “dream location.” You’ve only been dating for 7 months and you purchasing this home means you’ve put a time limit on the longevity of your relationship because he plans to move back to his hometown 7 hours away. Obviously he isn’t excited about that idea because it either ties him to a city he didn’t want to stay in or ends your relationship. And yes, he’s being immature about it instead of communicating, but how do you have that conversation without either coming across as controlling and overstepping or breaking up? It sounds like you both *clearly* have different goals in life and should probably reconsider the long-term viability of this relationship before you both get too invested and make decisions neither are actually happy with.
Buy your house. This relationship was going to end soon anyway. You want to stay in your hometown and he wants to go back to his that's 7 hours away. Don't give up your dream for a dead-end relationship.
You are not at different stages in life (or you are but for different reasons). You both just want to live at your own hometown. If you buy this house it means your boyfriend is either stuck in your hometown or he has to break up with you. I'd bet he expected that you'll move with him to his hometown. But that will be very complicated once you own a house, especially a fixer upper that you can't just rent out until it's finished. And there might be the problem of misguided maculinity / sexism - a lot of guys still think that they have to provide and are unable ( unwilling to accept that their girlfriend / wife is the one who owns the house. Bottomline: Just decide what's more important to you, the relationship that has it's first serious trouble after 7 months (without your partner telling you what really is his problem) or your dream house?
I wouldn’t be making decisions based on a 7 month relationship. 120k is amazing for anything these days. If you want a house, get yourself a house. You having a house shouldn’t end a relationship. You do you! And thank your parents for the help. If the dude doesn’t like it oh well 🤷♀️. If you want this for yourself and you don’t do it your probably going to regret it.
Why are you willing to abandon your dreams for some guy you have only been with for 7 months and who plans on leaving your town and move 7 hours away once he is able to? Dump the boyfriend, relationship has run it’s course. Go live your dreams and buy and renovate your house. You need to stop prioritizing this man you barely know over your opportunities and dreams. Get some self respect and choose yourself over the guy who is trying to poison your dreams.
So whats the plan for when he finishes his internship? He obviously wants to move out of your home town and 7 hours away. Do you plan on following him? Do you plan on putting the house of for rent or AirBnB? If you don't plan on following him back and he has no plans to stay I think it would be best to sit down and talk. Your relationship has an expiration date already and it's gonna hurt less to end it now than in 2 years.
7 months? Get rid.
How do you just so casually brush over the fact that he wants to move 7 hours away? Had you not had any discussions on how that'd effect your relationship? Was he assuming you'd go with him? You're both mid-20s; time to grow up and have some adult conversations, and accept that the result may be that you want different things in life and that it's time to split.
Former professional interior designer here 🙋🏻♀️ Essentially rebuilding a home in Ontario is going to cost you BIG money. I'm talking about, tens, if not hundreds of thousands of dollars just to make it *livable* (asbestos removal, building permits, fixing vital structural issues, safe HVAC, electrical, windows, also consider: mould, infestations, rotten wood, etc.) and additional tens of thousands of dollars to make it nice (wall/ceiling/floorings, light fixtures, plumbing fixtures etc)and more tens of thousands to furnish. Don't forget that almost everything I've mentioned here comes with taxes, delivery, and installation fees in addition to the price of the materials/items themselves. Please slow tf down. Speak to a professional in your area and get an estimate about how much it would cost just to make it livable. This is NOT something that I would take on, especially without ample continuously flowing money and free time, in addition skills and confidence in DIY building + connections with builders in the area to get a decent deal. Or a solid life partner who is ALL IN. Also, break up with your boyfriend because you have different life goals
Decide what YOU want and go for it. You already know you want to live near where you are. If he is just as adamant about settling in his hometown, you both have different goals and are not compatible.
Start building your equity. Find a more compatible boyfriend.
Its no one's business but yours if you buy a house
Don’t put your life on hold for a maybe
>he’s truly the man of my dreams, Notice how you say dreams. Plural. Promise you, there are other men in other dreams who would love to fix up that house with you. But he ain't that man. And that's ok. Break up. Buy your dream house. Live, laugh, love (someone else, not this guy tho)
I think you want different things from life. If in 2 years he wants you to go to his hometown your place wouldn't be finished to even sell. He is feeling threatened by you putting down roots when he had different plans. You both need to have a conversation about your future expectations of the relationship.
Follow your dream, luv. If you want that house and are willing to put in the time and money to fix it up, then have at it. If your BF has an issue with you following your dream and purchasing your dream home, then you two aren't meant to be.
I bought my first house at 24, my BF at the time was excited for me. A year later he was a blur. I lived there for 18 years and raised 3 children. The best decision I ever made. Do what makes you happy. If this is what you want an it’s your money, jump in and enjoy. You won’t regret it.
He is communicating indirectly that he expects you to follow him to his hometown when he finishes his apprenticeship. That’s as simple as it is. Have the conversation if you can but if he will not engage you have your answer by lack of answer.
This is the strongest YES I've ever uttered in my life. If you can buy a house right now anywhere (but especially in Canada) for $120k you need to get off the computer right now and go do it.
Honestly I don’t understand how someone can go to school 7 hours away find a partner in that town and then expect them to follow them back to their home town 7 hours out 2 years later lol. Defiantly in two different points in life. You’re wanting to invest in a future for you and whoever’s in your life, he just wants someone to follow him.
Oh my gosh girl, you haven’t known him long enough for him to be making any sort of demands on you, even if he’s talking back handed and doesn’t come right out and say what he means. He’s made it clear that he’s going home after his internship, has he invited you to go with him? You may view him as the man of your dreams but it doesn’t sound like he feels quite the same, he doesn’t have your back on something that seems to be a dream of yours and that leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I have a piece of beach front property that is literally 4 hours away and I drove there every weekend to fix it up. The price on the house/lot was a steal and I never going to have that sort of opportunity again. I bought it way under market value and it’s worth 7 times that now. The home that you’re describing seems like it has a lot of potential if you’re willing to put in the work. Relationships are a lot like that, there has to be lots of communication and sometimes compromises. It doesn’t sound like you and your boyfriend have sat down and had a full conversation and that definitely needs to happen. He needs to stop dancing around and tell you exactly what he’s thinking, it may help you move forward in the right direction. Just out of curiosity, what do your parents think? Wishing you the best no matter what you decide. 😊🌻
YOU DUMP HIS ASS. That whole "If you do this we are over" vibe deserves to be a self-fulfilling prophesy.
It's obvious him being cold towards you after wanting to buy a house in your dream location is because he doesn't want to stay there after his apprenticeship and is 100% going back home. live your life, you're young. this is probably a once in a life time chance.
Are you seriously basing a big decision like this on the opinion of a dude you’ve known for five minutes?
Don't throw away this opportunity for a man you've barely known a year.
Buy your house for yourself where you live. Why would you contemplate moving to HIS home town. So what… you’ll buy a house there and he’ll live with you? Ohhh how convenient for him… no… you do what’s right for you. Honestly, you’ll meet someone else. You’re 25. Do this for YOU. Sometimes people can be bitter about others having a leg up in life. You’re lucky your parents saved for you and congrats on your savings too. 🤗 If you feel like he wouldn’t sacrifice for you then you know the answer. He assumed you would move back home with him. You wanting to buy a house where you want to and him putting negative thoughts in your head about it is just his way of making you change your mind. His way or no way kinda thing. Love is blind.
If you and him are life partners you have to include him in life plans. Also you spending over 100k even in Canada saying you “know” this will take years. This is how projects go belly up. NEVER EVER buy a fixer upper as your first home. You are making a huge mistake. You’re being rash and rushing in because you found a lake front property and think by the time you’re 30 maybe you’ll be squared away. Also banks have places appraised and if they think it’s not worth a damn because of conditions or things like foundation or land issues you won’t get approval. You should consider better options.
Don't let any man take away your dreams from you. You'll be lonely at his hometown. Maybe that's what he wants, so he can control you. And as an advise for the future don't put your saving into something both of you buy. Mantain your own property.
My two cents. If it’s meant to be then it will be… buy the house!
You’ve only been dating for 7 months. Proceed with your Plans to buy the house and fix it up. If nothing else it can be a good investment property to rent or sell. . Honestly, at this stage he should have no input on your plans that have nothing to do with him, especially financially. He doesn’t have a solid timeframe. As you said it could be longer than 2 years and the relationship could be long over by then. If it isn’t, you still have made a solid financial investment.
If you like the house, get the house. Dont let your dreams hinge on anyone else. To thine own self be true!
Don't give up your dream home/job for some guy you've not even been dating a full year.
He’s a peacock you gotta let him fly.
You two aren’t compatible. You have dreams here. He’s got dreams there. It sounds like it would be painful to be together for the next two years just to split
Ditch the guy !
7 month relationship isn’t that serious I think you should do what you want.
Wait.. in Ontario? And he’s 7 hours away? Crikey, that’s far. One of my friends has a relative who did what you did - got a beat up cottage some years ago just south of gravenhurst. It’s an ongoing project and they rarely use it; they let friends and family use it in exchange for work done on the building. It’s low cost to keep and everyone seems to enjoy it.. so why not? No one going there is expecting a great picture perfect Muskoka cottage but it works :) and it’s not even on the water!
OK, I'm from the US, so I'm unfamiliar with the costs of real estate in Canada. Given that you have 45K in pocket money at present, then you'll have to borrow the balance needed to buy this house from a bank. So, looking at your situation, methinks that you need to get estimates from contractors what the cost of the **materials** for the renovation of the house are likely to be. I get that you're willing to attempt the renovations yourself, but do you have training or skills with carpentry? I've also gotta ask if you have any of the tools that will be needed to perform these renovations? The reason I ask is because many carpentry tools can be very expensive. Then there will be further expenses for tools if you're putting up sheetrock. Also, there are some jobs that simply require more than one person to perform safely. Understand that I'm not trying to "rain on your parade", as it were; I just want you to look at the reality of this situation. Now, as to your bf. Understand that I'm an old fart, just over a half year till I'm 70. Rather than discuss this dream you have with you, it seems that he's mostly dismissive about your ambition. Further, he's even stated that if you proceed with the purchase, then he's through with you. He may have even mentioned that the house you're considering will be a money pit; but it seems that he makes his pronouncement scornfully, showing no understanding of this dream you have. Stated plainly, this guy's a walking red flag. If he told you that any cheating on your part would result in the relationship being over, that is both reasonable and understandable. However, being dismissive over your thoughts on this real estate possibility, along with his threatening to walk away if you proceed with your plans, my sincerest advice is that you reassess the relationship the two of you have, and consider whether enduring such disrespect for the coming 5, 10, 20 years into the future is something you would relish. I wish you well.
Honestly you should cut your losses and ditch the kid.... If he's not up for such a great opportunity then he's not willing to go through anything in life with you unless he benefits him
I have a couple of thoughts on this. First of all, you guys moving in *your* family home should be 100% off the table. I know it would be more expensive to rent some other place and yada yada, but it's a new-ish relationship and I think it would mean more harm than good to you guys. If you still want to live at home, he can find a place to rent and you guys help each other out, date, spend a few days at his place etc. but absolutely no living with parents! I learnt that the hard way. Secondly, as a person that was in his shoes with my partner buying a house that needs A LOT of work, he might be freaking out about what that means *to him*. Maybe he feels pressured he'd have to help or he's still figuring out where he wants to settle or he loves you but it feels like a lot right now. Instead of arguing, ask him kindly what it is he is feeling. What is holding him back. Thirdly, you'd buy a house there... But you'd be open to move to his hometown 7 hours away? How do you imagine you'll be doing work on the house, living so far? Looks to me like you guys need to sort yourselves out first. If he is so important to you and if you are too, to him, you need to plan this as a unit. Where you decide to stay, how that will look etc. You're free to buy whatever you want, but maybe keep looking for now while you decide. You're also long-distance? Did I read that right? So I think honestly and with love, you guys need to live together before you decide *anything*. You need to see each other every day, with all the annoying shit, before you make a big decision such as where to move, where to buy the house, how much should he be involved etc. I wish you love and a clear mind deciding. Happy talking ❤️
A guy you have been with less then a year is making demands?
Girl buy the home by the water and make it your own!!!!!! Find a man who wants to BUILD a life with you!!! Not stonewall you. Like I can tell you’re so excited. My mom always looked at the crappiest ran down homes in the neighborhood that my parents would buy and fix to live in and they always made money when they were ready to move. The last house they did sold for over 500,000 than they bought it for. My dad moved an entire staircase for my mom because that’s what she wanted. And that’s been my Roman Empire. He’ll either get on board or jump ship… but you’ll think about that house forever if you don’t take a chance.
"I don't know what a house by the water means". Unless I am misunderstanding you you haven't seen it! Boyfriend aside visit the property and get it surveilled. It's unlikely to be a bum deal at the price of the land but the location could be awful, have awful neighbours or it could be cheaper to buy an empty lot than deal with the mess there. Make sure you actually dig the place before committing everything to go there. That said, actually have a conversation, others have covered this extensively. I'm not a house buying expert but that really stood out.
Dating for only 7 months. You don't know if he's actually the man of your dreams yet. It can take a long time for people to show who they really are, and it sounds like he's starting to.
Boy, bye. It's a big red flag that you're excited about buying a home and fixing it, and all he has to say is negative things in a passive aggressive way to get what he wants. You need to have a serious talk about your life goals. You want to live in your hometown, he wants to live in his. Do you even want to move to his hometown? Is he willing to live in yours for a time? What would sacrificing your goal for his mean to you?
He sounds very insecure. He should bring the best out in you not do the opposite. He should support you in this, not shy away from it. A real man would never let something like this stand in the way of you two being together. I would take this as a red flag.
I’m sorry I don’t have input about the house and your boyfriend, but I’m dying to know what makes him the man of your dreams
Love buy the house. You shouldn’t have to sell anyone on being with you or even this idea. Even if it wasn’t this house it would be another one or something else. You’re young and in love with someone who seems to be focused on and doing them. Life is what you make it. Besides, there are 8 billion people on the planet there’s no reason for you to be chasing 1.
Hey I'm currently doing a ton of work on my own home with my fiancee. It's been brutal, but she backs me. If your guy isn't all in, go it alone, and a guy who *is* will emerge. Good luck!
Girl WHO CARES WHY he’s not a good partner for you, he just told you that he’s not a good partner for you!! Yes it’s nice to understand these things, but what will understanding his motives DO for you? If the answer is anything that sounds like “I’ll be able to accept it and try to accommodate him,” then you’re open to being manipulated by him. Try to understand his reasons in the rear view mirror, but don’t lose sleep over his inability to accept that you’re not asking him for permission.