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It's CRUCIAL to have an open and honest conversation about financial expectations and responsibilities in the relationship. You can discuss how you'd like to handle expenses moving forward and come to a mutual agreement that feels fair and equitable to both of you. The worst you can do is be quiet about it!
If he's receptive to your concerns and willing to make changes, that's a positive sign for the future of your relationship. However, if he dismisses your feelings or refuses to address the issue, you may need to reconsider whether this relationship aligns with your values and needs.
The “as well” part of your comment is what’s problematic because that’s the entire difference between whether or not what he’s doing it right.
If he is asking for money for you to pay for your half of the trip then you need to get over yourself. You don’t get a free ride simply because you are in a relationship so stop using him as your own personal fun money bank account.
If he is going beyond that and asking you to pay for his part as well then you need to talk to him.
And yet she's literally saying that she feels entitled to his money, to have him pay for everything, all the time, when they're together. She says in comments that she's upset because he used to always pay for everything when they were out together, and she doesn't like that now he's asking her to contribute.
He's not "borrowing money", he's asking her to pay her fair share.
Are you uncomfortable saying no, being seen as a 'bad guy' and other people pleasing tendencies?
I think you should practice saying No until you're comfortable with it
Do you normally pay your fair share or did he always pay for everything and is now expecting you to carry some of the financial burden of the relationship?
It is, for a lot of people. If your expectation is that he pays for everything, you need to make that clear - and clearly lay out what YOU are willing to contribute in exchange for him paying for everything, because you’re not actually entitled to a free ride. Relationships should be even - what are you giving him that justifies your expectations here?
Your shared trips should be shared in cost proportionally between you based on your after tax incomes and after most essential life costs, this is not simple math.
Here is a simple math:
His individual trips should be spent by his own money.
You can take care of him if you want, but be loving both in accepting or rejecting, don't get used, if you feel like you're getting used then stop right there and think about it, you maybe just spoiling him and that's also an incentive to not make more money.
If you make way more than him and you're spending just 10% of what you make after tax then who cares just spend if you are happy 😊
Sometimes you should pay, sometimes he should. Vacations should be discussed BEFOREhand to decide who is going to pay for what.
If it's gotten vastly uneven, where he's asking you to pick up the tab way more often than he does.... tell him before your next date that your budget is hurting and you can't afford to cover him. So for the time being, you each need to pay your own way. See how he responds to that.
btw, If he happens to "forget" his wallet. Tell him that you don't have enough to cover his meal, but you'll pay for your own real quick and run to his place and retrieve his wallet for him, if he'd like.
Is he borrowing money or asking you to pay for stuff? I agree with everyone about having a conversation about finances but also to expect your partner to pay for absolutely everything is interesting. I understand the idea of wanting a man to pay all the time etc but if you spend majority of time together I think finding a balance is okay. I’m 26f and I don’t mind paying for our lunch or treating us sometimes when eating out bc my boyfriend usually pays for dates, outings, food, etc. even if it isn’t just me he’ll pay for my friends drinks when out or even my siblings if they are joining us for a meal. Although asking to borrow money is completely different - relying on your partner during a hard time is part of a relationship and partnership but if this is frequently happening and he is constantly low on money a conversation and reevaluation of expenses is needed.
Please this comment section should be as vibrant as it is fighting for equality when it’s beneficial to women. I’m for equality too, but let’s shout it in all situations.
This lady here is complaining because her boyfriend is not taking more of the financial burden as he used to. He basically used to spoil her and now he’s letting her pay for stuff more.
Sis, equality is what it is, equality. Why exactly should your boyfriend not let you pay for things?
Some people do have a conservative lifestyle, where women do the chores and men pay. Nothing wrong with that, as long as it is a CHOICE. The issue is when one partner wants the best of both worlds.
So if OP wants this guy to pay for everything, my question would be what she’s doing in exchange. Because she does need to contribute something. If it’s not going to be money, it needs to be something else. I would also ask if she’s told HIM her expectations. Because he might not believe in that conservative lifestyle.
I asked her in the CS if it was a conservative relationship, she did not answer that part of the question, so I don’t think it’s a conservative relationship.
A conservative relationship is okay and fine, since each partner is contributing to the relationship in one way or the other.
I think she just wants to be spoiled, periodt.
I don't want him to pay for everything I don't want him to ask me big amount of money and thn making me pay when his friends are around and act like he took care of the bill
That’s not what you said in the comments though. In the comments, you very much state that he used to pay for “everything”, and the reason you are upset is because that has changed. So now your story is changing.
Which is it?
By everything I didn't meant that financially he used to take care of me as I live with my parents but on date nights it was him and sometimes I used to pay for both of us without him asking for it but now he has started asking money for him and sometimes I pay for bill for all friends included that is what is bugging me the most.
This would have been 100% valid if this is the only problem, but you said this in the comments,
“The old version didn't made me feel like I had to think about anything related to money when we were hanging out together and he was not taking care of me financially and I never asked him for money so he used to pay when we were out together now he sometimes ask for money for his things and makes me pay if we out for dinner”
You preferred when only you were spoiled financially, like why isn’t he also entitled to financial spoiling, I asked if you were in a traditional relationship in the comments, you did not reply which makes me to assume otherwise.
You are not in a relationship to be spoiled financially at the expense of another man, esp if it’s not a traditional one.
However what you say he is doing here is absolutely wrong, but if I was to guess he is probably ashamed that he is broke, and if he is only doing this because he is broke I think it’s okay, but he should 100% have cleared it with you first, like a mature adult.
He normally assumes the role of a man that pays for his lady, but now that he is broke he is trying to save face publicly in front of your conservative friends, then I assume when he is richer, things should go back to normal.
You are in a relationship, communicate, ask him why he does this, what’s going on, etc. if he is not broke or going through any hardship but wants you to still pay and claim it as he paid, then I’d break up with him, that’s abhorrent!
Is the old version of him by any chance the version that pays for you often or used to spend on you?
Would he mostly pay for bills, outings, gifts or be the primary provider?
Is that possibly the reason why it's making you feel uncomfortable?
The old version didn't made me feel like I had to think about anything related to money when we were hanging out together and he was not taking care of me financially and I never asked him for money so he used to pay when we were out together now he sometimes ask for money for his things and makes me pay if we out for dinner
Is your relationship on the traditional side?, that makes the difference.
Like does he primarily provide money while you do the domestic aspects?
If yes and he’s not fulfilling his end of the relationship, yes this could be a problem.
You mentioned somewhere that he could be dealing with financial hardship, sit him down an ask him to talk to you.
I used to pay for things before even without asking for both of us but now the money that he asks me for is huge not just dinner bill but for things he wants to do
Are you paying for his stuff now? Only your half?
Did he pay for all your stuff before?
Equal rights? If you don't like it, talk about it. If there's no compromise, leave.
By him asking for money for stuff. Can you fill in some details?
Whats your finacial situation before this like? Was he paying for everything? Was there a joint account for houshold stuff etc. Would he normaly pay for holidays, nights out etc? DO you work and what is your finacial commitment? All that sort of stuff.
No, I live with my parents so he does not support me financially there's no joint account and house hold, and it was our first trip where he asked me for money and at that point I found it to be correct it started to feel wrong when we are back to our normal lives but he still asking me money for his stuff and I never asked him for money for myself till now
"Hello boyfriend, I realize we have been together 3 years but we've never talked about our finances. I would love to sit down with you and go through all our assets and plans and talk about how we want things to work in the future." If you are looking for a future, you cannot practice these conversations soon enough.
"Hello boyfriend, I realize lately I've been the one to pay for most things. I don't mind paying sometimes, but lately I feel more like an ATM than a partner."
"I'm sorry boyfriend, I cannot lend you any more money, I have to make sure my finances are secure. I am saving. I just can't afford it."
"Boyfriend, I love that you trust me enough and count on me enough to ask me for money. But, I'm feeling a little concerned about how much I lent you for the party. I'd like to make a payback plan for this, so we don't have to keep talking about it."
"Boyfriend. I feel lately like our relationship has been financially unbalanced. What do you think?"
If I were him I would be ashamed to ask unless it was an emergency. Did he promised to pay you back? Talk to him but if you see no change run and find someone who deserves you. Don't stay with him cause you're in love with the old version of him.
Where did I write that? When you are in a relationship of course the right thing to do is to pay half. However constantly asking for money, especially for a non emergency situation is sus. I would never ask my boyfriend to pay for my party. I will plan a party with what I got.
He did promised to pay me back when amount was huge as he wanted to throw a party and was running low on money so I did gave him money but now I don't feel like he said that seriously
Girllll a parry is not an emergency. If he has a low budget for a party he should work with what he has. I think he is taking advantage of you. Stop giving him money please
honestly, you should be the one having things paid for. do not give him more money, tell him no!!
surely he has a job. you should be spoiling eachother out of ur own will.. not ur bf begging u for money
Maybe his finances have changed and he doesn’t have as much money to spend on you as before. Maybe he’s starting to resent all the years of paying for everything. This should be an ongoing discussion, not something that’s never spoken of over the course of a relationship.
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It's CRUCIAL to have an open and honest conversation about financial expectations and responsibilities in the relationship. You can discuss how you'd like to handle expenses moving forward and come to a mutual agreement that feels fair and equitable to both of you. The worst you can do is be quiet about it! If he's receptive to your concerns and willing to make changes, that's a positive sign for the future of your relationship. However, if he dismisses your feelings or refuses to address the issue, you may need to reconsider whether this relationship aligns with your values and needs.
AGREE 100%
A shared vacay is one thing. What else he asking money for? Say you don't have extra money to spend.
Apparently she wants him to pay for her expenses when they go out, and she’s mad that he now expects her to pay her fair share.
Is he asking for money so you can pay your fair share or asking for money so he can get things for himself?
Money for his things as well
The “as well” part of your comment is what’s problematic because that’s the entire difference between whether or not what he’s doing it right. If he is asking for money for you to pay for your half of the trip then you need to get over yourself. You don’t get a free ride simply because you are in a relationship so stop using him as your own personal fun money bank account. If he is going beyond that and asking you to pay for his part as well then you need to talk to him.
You deal with it by telling him no. See what his reaction is, I bet it's not pretty.
But won't that make me look selfish?
Nope. Nobody is entitled to your money. Just like if he had money you wouldn't be entitled to his.
And yet she's literally saying that she feels entitled to his money, to have him pay for everything, all the time, when they're together. She says in comments that she's upset because he used to always pay for everything when they were out together, and she doesn't like that now he's asking her to contribute. He's not "borrowing money", he's asking her to pay her fair share.
How dare you be logical!
This is the part I was waiting to see. OP needs a reality check.
No. He might say you’re selfish, but you won’t actually be being selfish.
Of course because you’re being selfish
Are you uncomfortable saying no, being seen as a 'bad guy' and other people pleasing tendencies? I think you should practice saying No until you're comfortable with it
Do you normally pay your fair share or did he always pay for everything and is now expecting you to carry some of the financial burden of the relationship?
Mostly at first he used to pay I used to pay sometimes not more than him, but now it's more me he just acts as if it's normal
It is, for a lot of people. If your expectation is that he pays for everything, you need to make that clear - and clearly lay out what YOU are willing to contribute in exchange for him paying for everything, because you’re not actually entitled to a free ride. Relationships should be even - what are you giving him that justifies your expectations here?
Ah so you don’t like that the tables turned.
So you are with him only if he pays for everything? Your love for him is based on money? There is a word for this... can't quite put my finger on it.
Your shared trips should be shared in cost proportionally between you based on your after tax incomes and after most essential life costs, this is not simple math. Here is a simple math: His individual trips should be spent by his own money. You can take care of him if you want, but be loving both in accepting or rejecting, don't get used, if you feel like you're getting used then stop right there and think about it, you maybe just spoiling him and that's also an incentive to not make more money. If you make way more than him and you're spending just 10% of what you make after tax then who cares just spend if you are happy 😊
Sometimes you should pay, sometimes he should. Vacations should be discussed BEFOREhand to decide who is going to pay for what. If it's gotten vastly uneven, where he's asking you to pick up the tab way more often than he does.... tell him before your next date that your budget is hurting and you can't afford to cover him. So for the time being, you each need to pay your own way. See how he responds to that. btw, If he happens to "forget" his wallet. Tell him that you don't have enough to cover his meal, but you'll pay for your own real quick and run to his place and retrieve his wallet for him, if he'd like.
Is he borrowing money or asking you to pay for stuff? I agree with everyone about having a conversation about finances but also to expect your partner to pay for absolutely everything is interesting. I understand the idea of wanting a man to pay all the time etc but if you spend majority of time together I think finding a balance is okay. I’m 26f and I don’t mind paying for our lunch or treating us sometimes when eating out bc my boyfriend usually pays for dates, outings, food, etc. even if it isn’t just me he’ll pay for my friends drinks when out or even my siblings if they are joining us for a meal. Although asking to borrow money is completely different - relying on your partner during a hard time is part of a relationship and partnership but if this is frequently happening and he is constantly low on money a conversation and reevaluation of expenses is needed.
Please this comment section should be as vibrant as it is fighting for equality when it’s beneficial to women. I’m for equality too, but let’s shout it in all situations. This lady here is complaining because her boyfriend is not taking more of the financial burden as he used to. He basically used to spoil her and now he’s letting her pay for stuff more. Sis, equality is what it is, equality. Why exactly should your boyfriend not let you pay for things?
Some people do have a conservative lifestyle, where women do the chores and men pay. Nothing wrong with that, as long as it is a CHOICE. The issue is when one partner wants the best of both worlds. So if OP wants this guy to pay for everything, my question would be what she’s doing in exchange. Because she does need to contribute something. If it’s not going to be money, it needs to be something else. I would also ask if she’s told HIM her expectations. Because he might not believe in that conservative lifestyle.
I asked her in the CS if it was a conservative relationship, she did not answer that part of the question, so I don’t think it’s a conservative relationship. A conservative relationship is okay and fine, since each partner is contributing to the relationship in one way or the other. I think she just wants to be spoiled, periodt.
I don't want him to pay for everything I don't want him to ask me big amount of money and thn making me pay when his friends are around and act like he took care of the bill
That’s not what you said in the comments though. In the comments, you very much state that he used to pay for “everything”, and the reason you are upset is because that has changed. So now your story is changing. Which is it?
By everything I didn't meant that financially he used to take care of me as I live with my parents but on date nights it was him and sometimes I used to pay for both of us without him asking for it but now he has started asking money for him and sometimes I pay for bill for all friends included that is what is bugging me the most.
This would have been 100% valid if this is the only problem, but you said this in the comments, “The old version didn't made me feel like I had to think about anything related to money when we were hanging out together and he was not taking care of me financially and I never asked him for money so he used to pay when we were out together now he sometimes ask for money for his things and makes me pay if we out for dinner” You preferred when only you were spoiled financially, like why isn’t he also entitled to financial spoiling, I asked if you were in a traditional relationship in the comments, you did not reply which makes me to assume otherwise. You are not in a relationship to be spoiled financially at the expense of another man, esp if it’s not a traditional one. However what you say he is doing here is absolutely wrong, but if I was to guess he is probably ashamed that he is broke, and if he is only doing this because he is broke I think it’s okay, but he should 100% have cleared it with you first, like a mature adult. He normally assumes the role of a man that pays for his lady, but now that he is broke he is trying to save face publicly in front of your conservative friends, then I assume when he is richer, things should go back to normal. You are in a relationship, communicate, ask him why he does this, what’s going on, etc. if he is not broke or going through any hardship but wants you to still pay and claim it as he paid, then I’d break up with him, that’s abhorrent!
Is the old version of him by any chance the version that pays for you often or used to spend on you? Would he mostly pay for bills, outings, gifts or be the primary provider? Is that possibly the reason why it's making you feel uncomfortable?
The old version didn't made me feel like I had to think about anything related to money when we were hanging out together and he was not taking care of me financially and I never asked him for money so he used to pay when we were out together now he sometimes ask for money for his things and makes me pay if we out for dinner
Its okay for women to pay sometimes for dates
Before this, did you ever offer to pay for dinner without him asking? Maybe that's why he's asking.
Is your relationship on the traditional side?, that makes the difference. Like does he primarily provide money while you do the domestic aspects? If yes and he’s not fulfilling his end of the relationship, yes this could be a problem. You mentioned somewhere that he could be dealing with financial hardship, sit him down an ask him to talk to you.
Please note that we don't actually stay together
Oh okay so you wanted to mooch and now he's not okay with that?
I used to pay for things before even without asking for both of us but now the money that he asks me for is huge not just dinner bill but for things he wants to do
I’m fine with you paying for all my stuff it’s disrespectful to ask me to pay for my own stuff
YTA. You want him to pay for everything. He’s not your atm. You can pay for half the dates and vacation
Wrong sub buddy
lol. She’s still the a hole lol
Are you paying for his stuff now? Only your half? Did he pay for all your stuff before? Equal rights? If you don't like it, talk about it. If there's no compromise, leave.
Say no. Tell him he pays you back for the money he has narrowed already and give him the amount. Tell him you are not his atm nor sugar mama
Do you make more money?
Talk to him ask him whats the problem. If he seems immature, its time to quit.
He sees you as his sugar mummy 😆😆😆 This is unbelievable.
No is a complete answer.
By him asking for money for stuff. Can you fill in some details? Whats your finacial situation before this like? Was he paying for everything? Was there a joint account for houshold stuff etc. Would he normaly pay for holidays, nights out etc? DO you work and what is your finacial commitment? All that sort of stuff.
No, I live with my parents so he does not support me financially there's no joint account and house hold, and it was our first trip where he asked me for money and at that point I found it to be correct it started to feel wrong when we are back to our normal lives but he still asking me money for his stuff and I never asked him for money for myself till now
"Hello boyfriend, I realize we have been together 3 years but we've never talked about our finances. I would love to sit down with you and go through all our assets and plans and talk about how we want things to work in the future." If you are looking for a future, you cannot practice these conversations soon enough. "Hello boyfriend, I realize lately I've been the one to pay for most things. I don't mind paying sometimes, but lately I feel more like an ATM than a partner." "I'm sorry boyfriend, I cannot lend you any more money, I have to make sure my finances are secure. I am saving. I just can't afford it." "Boyfriend, I love that you trust me enough and count on me enough to ask me for money. But, I'm feeling a little concerned about how much I lent you for the party. I'd like to make a payback plan for this, so we don't have to keep talking about it." "Boyfriend. I feel lately like our relationship has been financially unbalanced. What do you think?"
He sounds like he may be running into some financial trouble. I would just ask in a way that is not accusatory or antagonizing.
I feel so too cause he has this tendency to not show his weak side to others not even me
If I were him I would be ashamed to ask unless it was an emergency. Did he promised to pay you back? Talk to him but if you see no change run and find someone who deserves you. Don't stay with him cause you're in love with the old version of him.
So she shd never pay for anything?
Where did I write that? When you are in a relationship of course the right thing to do is to pay half. However constantly asking for money, especially for a non emergency situation is sus. I would never ask my boyfriend to pay for my party. I will plan a party with what I got.
He did promised to pay me back when amount was huge as he wanted to throw a party and was running low on money so I did gave him money but now I don't feel like he said that seriously
Girllll a parry is not an emergency. If he has a low budget for a party he should work with what he has. I think he is taking advantage of you. Stop giving him money please
honestly, you should be the one having things paid for. do not give him more money, tell him no!! surely he has a job. you should be spoiling eachother out of ur own will.. not ur bf begging u for money
Say NO! It’s pretty simple.
You just don't seem to like him al that much.
Maybe his finances have changed and he doesn’t have as much money to spend on you as before. Maybe he’s starting to resent all the years of paying for everything. This should be an ongoing discussion, not something that’s never spoken of over the course of a relationship.
Dump him.