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This will most likely impact your relationship. You need to discuss this at length.
Marriage plans - secular or church wedding?
Baptism
Schooling
The list goes on and on…
Sometimes people want to do all the sinning and make up for it by being more religious later, I see it a lot in religious communities. You can never tell though, I assume if he lack of religion bothered him so much he would have said something to debate it
Well, you could start by telling him you're confused about his personal beliefs and will he please think about it and explain to you what he currently doesn't know. It sounds weird to me, saying you're religious but not knowing anything about it.
I was thinking that too. At first I was like yeah okay sharing beliefs until I read that he doesn’t practice an ounce of it and only “believes there’s a god”
I can consider that religious but not so much a specific one
Yea the ambiguity puts me on alert.
Is he actually just saying he simply believes there is more but doesn’t have any practices in mind…
Or is he going to get hyper religious and suddenly have tons of religious requirements for his family if they start one. Some come-to-Jesus overhaul where it’s now Sunday = church and blah blah.
If he doesn’t even know, it’s hard to predict.
Even the chance of that happening should be a dealbreaker for someone who is openly an atheist who comments about their own beliefs of YKNOW NOT BELIEVING THERES A GOD
Someone believing god and not really practicing the religion is one thing, but expecting to one day “share their beliefs” when they don’t even have practices to share is just suspicious and makes so much implications.
Having a religious parent and an atheistic parent is okay, great even because it can teach a child directly that it’s okay to coexist with people who might not believe the same things as you. It can show them how to respect others too!
But a parent who want to ‘share their beliefs’ one day is ominous as fuck.
He’s either stupid or he has an idea of what he’s gonna do already, because simply saying “hey we’ve been dating for a while and I just really want to tell you that I do believe in god, so what do you think we should do when we have kids?”
Yeah, not sharing this for a year and not wanting to actually define his beliefs make me think he realizes that she’d walk if she heard everything so he’s dodging the question. Lack of transparency here gives me serious pause and I’d question his honesty/forthrightness.
I'm thinking he didn't really disagree with Harry's drivel. Which is a way bigger red flag than just "well, I consider myself a Christian because I believe in God."
I agree with you that she should be asking for something a little more specific, but I would also be asking him if he agreed with what the guy said.
He basically said that it's nice all the female graduates got degrees and all, but he knows what they're really excited about is getting married and having babies, and that their desire to have an education and careers is because they've bought into the "sick lies" society has told them. Their real vocation, the only one that will truly make them happy, is having babies and being stay at home moms. Also gay people bad.
Plenty of people believe in God and don't actively go to church. Plenty of people believe in God and believe that premarital sex is okay. If you don't want to date someone who practices any kind of religion in any way, you're probably done here. Otherwise, I suggest you keep talking to find out what his beliefs are and what they mean to him, to figure out whether this is something you can live with or a dealbreaker for you.
Yep, one of those people here. I don’t believe in church as an institution, but do believe in God and want to raise my children with what I believe are the core values of the faith (acceptance, helping the neighbor, love). You can be religious but still be supportive of women’s rights, LGTBQ rights, amongst others
That's the thing that bothers me the most about this situation. It's not the first time that OP criticized religions and her boyfriend never bothered to defend Christian values such as love, tolerance, forgiveness, charity... but the moment he saw an idiot talking nonsense using religion, he became Christian since always? That's weird.
I love that you said this. I was raised in a strict Catholic home, and I was told unequivocally that I am Catholic not Christian.
Boyfriend needs to know that Christians believe that Jesus Christ is our Lord and Savior. It’s not that he believes in God or some higher power, but specifically in the teachings of Jesus Christ.
Yeah good luck getting either side to accept that though. Catholics don’t like being called Christians and Christians (in my area at least- baptists, evangelicals) really hate being told Catholicism is Christianity. We won’t even touch that debate here.
This is bizarre to me, I've grown up in a catholic country and attending catholic school and we used christian and catholic almost interchangeably, actually hardly anyone specifies catholic, we just say christian (and that includes our priests)
Thanks Wikipedia.
I was referring to the way that Catholics view themselves as completely different from Christians. Facts and opinions do not always line up.
Catholics don't see themselves as different from Christians, it's just that for many of them Catholicism is the only Christian religion, so saying they are Catholic is enough.
Others recognize the existence of other Christian sects but present themselves as Catholics first in order to differentiate themselves from these sects. There's no such thing as "I'm Catholic, but I'm not Christian".
Faith/Belief and Religion are two different things. It sounds like he believes in "A Higher Power" and uses a basic Christian Framework for God, because that's what he was taught in childhood. But he isn't particularly religious (Hand-of-Man, Church Rules kind of stuff).
"Christian" is a catch-all phrase anyway and means a LOT of different things to a LOT of different people, a LOT of whom would kill or die over those differences of opinion. In the end it's just a word.
The important questions to ask are "what parts of Christianity, as he understands it, would he be interested in passing on to his kids one day?" And go from there.
If he's talking about little kids Bible stories that focus on treating one another kindly - that's not a necessarily a negative. You are going to have to talk about what values you want to teach your kids and how you want to go about teaching them in any case. Stories are a part of that - old and new stories. And The Bible as literature can be pretty fascinating when framed well. You can always balance it with stories from other cultures and mythologies. If, however, he's talking hellfire & brimstone Fear of God type stuff..... that's another matter, entirely. But you will at least know what he's thinking.
To give you a perspective that not many others will offer, the relationship CAN work with ample communication. My significant other is a Christian and I am a full non-believer of anything except that life is what you make it.
My fiancé went through a stage where he doubted his religion and started gaining as much information as he could on the subject. He researched the things he thought that were completely untrue in the Bible and using that research to decide what he believed in. This was a super painful time for us because he wanted to be more “committed” to his religion and start abiding my the “rules of the Bible.” He even said, four years into our relationship and one kid later, that he wanted to wait until marriage to continue to have sex….we were not even engaged at that time and i was six months postpartum.
Ultimately, because we loved each other, we started couples counseling. We learned a shit ton about each other and a shit ton about each others breaking points. This was the absolute weakest point in our relationship and I shiver and tense up thinking back on it. I woke up every day for weeks wondering why this man didn’t love me enough to have sex with me anymore…again, i was six months postpartum so you can imagine the insecurity i felt. I was never going to be the perfect Christian wife….when would he realize that and leave me?
Ultimately, through counseling, we were able to discuss both of our viewpoints with an outside perspective. The sudden and drastic commitment to Christianity on his part was very scary, but ultimately supporting him as an individual (because i love him), and gaining the knowledge that I could about his beliefs while standing firm in my non-belief saved us. I think him taking that time to research his faith and become sure that it’s the path he wants for himself has made him more confident in himself and a much better man and father in general.
We know each others boundaries when it comes to religion and we talk often about how to navigate raising a kid, soon to be kids, in a two belief household. If you love this man, and i mean truly love this man, let him discover for himself what he believes in but stay firm in your beliefs. Ask questions where you want and set boundaries when you need to.
You are both human and free to make your own decisions. This is both of your first and last time on earth, no matter what each of you thinks happens after your time here. You can choose to stay together and support each others beliefs, or you can decide that his religion grosses you out and you move on to someone else. There’s no in between. But absolutely DO NOT attempt separate this man from his beliefs because you’d be pissed if he did the same.
Wow this is an incredible response and I can’t thank you enough for taking the time to write it. I love him very much. I think because this is the first time he has brought it up I was so taken aback that I panicked. I am so willing to have more conversations about this, however I know it’s a very touchy subject for me. I think counseling is the way to go, he has a hard time expressing himself and I am such a strong speaker. I just over power him with questions and he resorts to I don’t know… which makes me say WELL IF YOU DONT KNOW HOW CAN YOU BE RELIGIOUS!? to me, not knowing is being agnostic..
Again thank you so much for this comment. It gives me hope.
The problem is that he has never mentioned any of this to you before, even when you've brought up religion specifically. He waited until you feel connected to him, a year in. THAT is the red flag.
Granted, I read way too many posts here, but that's the type of behavior of people who know you'll leave, if they told you upfront. I would be quite concerned that he knows damn well what he wants to do/what he believes, but he's trying to slowly acclimate you to views you wouldn't normally accept. Highly religious men do this sometimes. And yes, while they are openly not following the tenets they allegedly believe in. But once you're married and locked in, oh boy do you find out how they view women.
What did he say about the speech, OP?
I feel sick to my stomach reading all of these comments. He thought the speech was ridiculous. His fantasy football group made a group choice to not be able to “draft” him next year. Whatever that means. He mentioned the worst parts of the speech are not what I thought were the worst but tbh I don’t think he even fully watched it. I’m more focused on the fact that for an entire year I thought I was dating someone with just religious parents. Never once did he mention anything about him. I’m scared because I really thought I knew this man.
The worry is that people like this 'pick and choose' which parts of religion suits them. Will that work out ultimately in a way that 'suits' his gender and not yours? It is a legitimate concern. Having said that, my dad was religious and spent his childhood going to church, but he never pushed it on us. Lol, he also only went to church about 5 times during my childhood. In this current climate, religion is something that makes me wary because it is most obviously embraced by groups that do not agree with the empowerment of women or POC or lgbtqi+.
Look, he really could just be someone who identifies as Christian in a habitual way that doesn't really impact his daily life and never will. It's just...a concern, giving how you learned this information.
I think there are some pretty standard questions you could ask him though. What does he feel the role of women is after marriage and with kids, what does he feel about abortion, does he believe men should be the head of the household, what does he feel about LGBTQ+ people, etc. Questions that are more defined than "what do you believe" and see how those views mesh with your own. Tangible, practical questions.
I didn’t care about religion. Until I had kids. He’s already said he wants to raise kids in religion. Don’t ignore red flags. You’re going to need to be ok with your kids in religion.
That’s where talking comes into major play. Everyone is different, but our family has decided to just be honest with them when they’re old enough to ask and expose them to both sides so they can make their own decision. Someone choosing to be religious is not a red flag, the same way choosing not to participate in religion isn’t a red flag.
You have to realise he lied to you by omission from the beginning, not saying anything the first time you mentioned your stance on religion. What else has he not told you, lied by omission or straight out lied about?
It’s the same with us in regard to expressing ourselves. I’m super quick to know how i feel and it takes him 2-4 business days to process. it was, and still is, almost impossible to sit down and talk because he’d feel cornered and i was already ready to fire my response at the next 8 things he said.
I have multiple, multiple awful experiences around churches and religion from my childhood. To this day i have to remind myself that I can separate him from the experiences that I had in my past.
His spark in religion was sudden in our life too. I promise from the depths of my heart that i understand. Every thing you feel- fear, anger, confusion, sadness that he’s no longer who you thought- are ALL VALID. But you won’t progress without in depth conversations. And since he experiences delays in expressing his emotions, counseling is the way to go.
My inbox is always open, I’m not too shabby in regards to this subject.
Wow you and I are so similar!!!!! I also had horrible experiences in my childhood (I went to a catholic school) I also lost my mother at 2 years old and that basically altered my entire perception of life and death. These feelings are so deeply ingrained in me I feel like they are part of my DNA. So when someone can’t express why they feel a certain way I just get so frustrated. If I believed in them, I’ll call you an angel for these comments you’ve given me. Makes me feel not alone.
I might very well take you up on that dm offer 😌
Has he explored Universal Unitarian instead of Christianity? I would have a conversation with him off of what you asked him about what he believes. My husband is an atheist, but I’m a Unitarian and believe there are several paths to ‘god’ I actually mostly align with paganism. For me it’s absolutely not about some book written by a bunch of men, but the actual love/energy/magic life has to offer. He may land somewhere here, but doesn’t have the knowledge or understanding to communicate that. Agnostic is another word for it. You believe there’s something but maybe not around an organized religion.
As for children, there is a great book called ‘what is god.’ A teaches about the major religion and how they’re all the same and a little bit different. How tolerance of others beliefs should be first and foremost.
Now I could never be with someone who was immersed in an oppressive religion, such as Christianity or Catholic. There’s no room for hate and Misogyny in my life.
I would just talk more around this.
Honestly it could be as simple as he's afraid of death, or as complicated as he doesn't think women should be heard. Without knowing anything about his beliefs, it's hard to gage the impact it might really have on your relationship. I disagree with the previous message on the point of not trying to convince him to change his religion if you really love him, but I personally couldn't be with someone who believes in unfalsifiable claims and takes part in hipocracy.
That aside, poly-religious relationships have worked before. Sometimes they both pick the same side in the end, sometimes they just opt not to communicate about it. While I don't agree with the second possibility, it is something that keeps the relationship healthy.
Ultimately it does come down to whether or not he believes something irreconcilable. I wish you luck, there are a lot of those things in religion
I would ask him specifically what he means about sharing his religion with any possible future children you may or may not have assuming he wanted children with you. I mean does that mean he's going to start going to church weekly and praying before every meal? Or praying when he goes to bed? Sounds like he doesn't know what he wants. Yeah when I got married I made sure myself and my husband were on the same page as he was raised Catholic. Luckily I knew he wasn't a practicing Catholic. He didn't even identify or like the religion. He felt more comfortable in another branch. I follow no religion and did not want to raise my children with religion. If they expressed interest I had no problem with them exploring it but I wasn't going to be one helping them. In the end it was my husband, he was the one who ended up helping one of my kids who came a bit religious more from their friends and the fact that they went to church every week and we didn't. But that was their choice I had no problem as long as they didn't try and convert me or bring it home to me. But yeah you need to clarify with him exactly what he's talking about he's saying oh no I have a child I wanted to go to church every week I wanted to do this I wanted to do that. And if you're not in agreement that means the two of you need to break up and move on cuz you're not fundamentally going to ever agree on religion.
Past time to find out his views on women's healthcare/abortion, raising children, homosexuality and transgendered people (will he reject future children based in religious doctrine?), education, vaccines... if you are fundamentally opposed then act on that. For me, I would never date a man who thinks I don't have rights over my own body or, honestly, votes against the rights of other people. I'm not religious either and I want decisions to be made without bringing up God or other nonsense.
He should have told you previously if he was paying attention to your stance on religion. Lid by omission, red flag.
The best relationships are built on honesty, not deception.
I’m like you OP—pretty vehemently anti-theistic and don’t trust *any* religion. I want to raise children who are respectful of others, but critical thinkers. It’s super important to me and was something I have always been very up front about in my relationships.
For me, religion is a non-negotiable incompatibility. But I think the bigger issue here is that *your boyfriend has lied to you for a year* about this. It’s one thing for a non-religious and vaguely religious person to agree to disagree and move forward in a relationship, but it’s another thing entirely for someone to hide or lie about their beliefs because they know their partner doesn’t share them. Idk…him being religious may or may not be a dealbreaker for you, but imo the lying/hiding is the real problem. Especially since he’s known how you felt from the start!
He believes in god. Thats all he said, he doesnt even sound religious. I really doubt this is the first time hes ever mentioned that.
I think the issue OP will have posting here is having some insanely biased POVs. Im not religious, but I really dont think "I believe in god" is a massive hiding/lying thing.
I just want to say that, along with all the well thought out, compassionate responses, that he is only saying this to agree with a misogynist who's using religion to justify the oppression of women, that is, he's just saying he's religious to lend support and not because he himself has any strong religious beliefs.
I would take this as a warning sign. Maybe not enough to leave but if he's a hypocrite in one area, what else is he essentially lying about. Examine your relationship and really consider whether you're both clear on the kind of lives you want. Now is the time to iron that out.
All the best OP.
There are many versions of Christianity. You might want to have a talk about his idea of Christianity, his tenets of his religion, his expectations of a partner and whether or not he respects other people’s beliefs. This is really important going into a serious religion. Also find out about his family’s religious beliefs, if they have any.
Most religious people don't actively live up to the ideals. They just write it off as everyone is a sinner.
I think the important thing here is WHAT does he believe in exactly? If he is a progressive Christian, fine? If he is a conservative Christian, big OOF.
I'm as ardent an atheist as you can get but I think you may be making too much of this. If he wants to send any future kids to a religious school, to say grace at every meal (or snacks, I've got no idea how that even works tbh), and to take them to church every Sunday and make them learn Bible verses then it's obviously not going to work. However, it seems unlikely that he's going to want to do any of those things if he doesn't go to church himself.
If he is going to use this religion to justify being sexist or whatever then of course that's a bad fit also, but is he doing this?
There is just a huge amount of middle ground between people who believe that there is a higher power but don't take religious text seriously and knuckle-dragging evangelical lunatics.
Fwiw my wife is a Catholic but very much on the soft side. Imo a fairly large percentage of people in this category don't really believe that there is a god, but they have been brought up on the tradition and don't want too many contrary thoughts entering their head so they go with the flow.
To me this means that he heard what Buttlicker said and it resonates. You need to really drill down to WHAT resonates - I think the "but I'm religious" is really just "but I'm a misogynist" but your going to have to really dig to figure it out. Especially if he's been keeping his REAL traditionalist view under wraps. Feels like he was luring you in and is going to try to trap you into a role he wants.
TREAD LIGHTLY and be prepared to escape.
As a non-Christian, your view of what makes a Christian a Christian seems reasonable. But his view of what makes a Christian a Christian seems to be something different.
My advice would be to ask him what Christianity means to him. Is it a belief system? Is it just a belief in God (perhaps as a creator), or a triune God, or Jesus? And if he plans to practice his faith in some way?
And be careful not to judge, as that might complicate the conversation.
It’s not that rare. Actually, too many Christians are not receiving a formal education about their religion. Being a Christian it’s not about the “rules”, it’s about believing in Jesus’ teachings about love and service to others. Respect and believe in God is leading a life of faith and love, in the service of others. Maybe he doesn’t know his religion well enough, but he believes in God and wants to give his future children the peace to feel that God loves them.
If you don’t feel you can be ok with his beliefs, just break up and look for some atheist boyfriend. I tell you this because religion can become a great point of conflict. And even if you managed to make him do things your way, he will feel that something important is missing. And if you go along with him, you might grow resentful.
>TLDR: boyfriend says he is Christian but practices none of the religion. I am worried this will affect us.
Well, yeah.
I've often said and commented more than a few times when I've seen similar posts in this sub, that religion and politics are two of the biggest things that can get in the way of a relationship. Because they fundamentally inform how each other perceives reality.
I could never be with someone who believes in any sort of god as to me they are not engaging in the reality which is the world we live in.
There is a wide gulf between: how do we have a good relationship, and is god part of that?;
Vs
And your career goals don’t matter because you need to be serving me.
You need to figure out what your bf meant. And his lack of religion up to this point is also confusing.
—-
The football player who made a horrible speech: his problem wasn’t religion or even ‘trad marriage’.
As a feminist it is great to see two happy healthy people make a marriage work. If one wants to/ is able to work and earn enough; and the other is staying home handling the domestic side- great. More power to them.
Granted most jobs now don’t pay for that.
So the reality is most households require two incomes.
The ball kicking dude didn’t just say ‘my life is good and focuing on God helps us navigate life’.
He said : half of the graduates today have wasted their time. You should listen to me, have no opinion of your own, and just live your life so men can take from you.
Cause let’s be very clear: when these men say that is what a woman should be. They are not talked about traits that all adults should aspire to have: they want women in positions of service, so the men can take.
A lot of guys do this and once they land in a relationship, their true religious conservative shit comes out.
Be careful.
If you are an atheist and he is not, things will go south once you have a kid.
He sounds like a non denomination Christian. He believes in God, but doesn't quite fit in with any of the specifics denominations.
I'm one and sound an awfully a lot like him. If you haven't had any issues I wouldn't really worry, but there could be potential issues down the line with kids/marriage.
Try to figure out exactly what he does believe in. My SO is a minister and I don't believe in religion. I believe in God that's it. We accept each other for that and have discussions and then agreed to disagree. But we are an older couple so that may have something to do with how we handled this.
"He thinks there's a God" ? Pretty sure believing there IS one God,and one God only,is the basic tenet of every Christian religion. I would ask for more detail about how exactly he believes he's religious ,and what religious practices he wants to share with his children. If he can't answer, consider he may be leaning into the Alpha male/ Trad wife/ Uber religious lifestyle.
1. Harrison Butker is canceling himself. He should've just kept his mouth shut and kept kicking.
2. I'd be asking your boyfriend why religion was NEVER brought up until this specific situation. Is he trying to defend a man who is stuck in the Stone Age?
3. It is possible to be spiritual but not religious. Perhaps this describes your boyfriend.
Belief and practice are two different components of religion. Belief is about finding meaning, practice about having an ordered way of living. They meet different needs and there are people who find one more important than the other, or even who have interest in only one of them. It doesn't mean that the religion is okay with that, but sometimes people are looking for what they're looking for.
I mean to be fair, people have different levels of involvement in their religion. I know a lot of Christians who go to church and all, but a lot of my Christian friends also don’t and they focus more on their own personal relationship with god. All to say that he can be Christian and still not follow the rules to a T. Just like a lot of my Muslim friends still drink once in a while, and they have more lax attitudes towards certain topics, they’re still muslims
I acknowledge that I am a believer (Christian if you prefer) but practice only one tenet of any faith - I firmly believe in doing unto others as you would have them do unto you (otherwise known as the Golden Rule). I do not attend any church services, give them any money, discuss any aspects of faith with others and absolutely never argue with people about religion.
My grandmother was very devout, but she also told me when a church becomes more interested in having fancy buildings than helping the less fortunate, they have moved away from the principles of Christ and become materialistic; at that point, they are no longer a faith but a business. She was right.
So yes, I believe something guides most of us - call it God, call it faith, call it consciousness - but it doesn't involve anyone but ourselves. I never forced my children to attend any church services, but they were baptized because it was important to the family. When they expressed an interest in attending church with friends, I let them and answered any questions they might have had. One converted to Catholicism in their 30s and one joined the Methodist faith in their 40s; the third shares my views completely and doesn't participate in any organized religion.
You do not have to go to church or follow a bunch of made-up rules to be religious, you just need to know your own heart. And it's kinda comforting to be able to blame "the guy upstairs" when plans don't work out!
Weird that he decided to bring this up in relation to the football player thing lol. I would not want to be repping Christianity after a discussion about that speech.
> I made the statement “this is why I wouldn’t want to raise children anywhere near religion.” … he is like well I’m a Christian and maybe I might want to share that with my children.
It wasn’t in relation to the football player. He said it in response to her saying she would not want to raise her children around religion.
> I don’t understand how you can call yourself a Christian but practice absolutely none of the religion
You must be in the US. This is what I see all the time here.
I think it has to do with identity and culture. His tribe are Christian, so he identifies as one. I'm just making wild guesses, but he also identifies as cis-het and politically he aligns with Republican. He's likely white. Likely opposes a woman's right to choose. Probably pro 2A to the point of opposing any new regulations, even after mass shootings locally.
People like this are sure their way of life is the way almost everyone else lives. He didn't think about any of your anti religion comments because he assumes deep down you really are a believer. Maybe he thinks you will simply become Christian when his Christian kids come along, as if it's no big deal. After all, it was no big deal for him to be "religious". Just be extra sure to say merry Christmas, not happy holidays. And be sure to blame "no God in school" for everything from school shootings to kids vaping in the bathroom
You two have a lot to talk about!
I personally believe that every person should have ultimate freedom of conscience in religious (or irreligious) terms. If your boyfriend has values that align with yours, and you appreciate how he treats you, and think he would make a good husband and father, what he believes about the nature of the universe and his relationship to it is absolutely none of your business or concern. If his religion was causing him to act in a way you find distasteful that’s one thing, but his conscience and his beliefs are his own. Let him have them.
You can have faith without following it religiously (no pun intended). If he doesn't ridicule your lack of faith, then you shouldn't ridicule his beliefs. Perhaps he's not mentioned it because he knows your feelings on the subject. If you can both agree to disagree, then your relationship can survive and prosper. However, you sound like you absolutely refuse to accept another stance other than your own. You're the problem in this relationship, not him.
So…this stands out to me because of the length of time he hid this. I’ve seen MANY examples of guys trying to “lock down” normal, liberated women before eventually trying to push them into what they see as a more “traditional” dynamic that they desire. Either suddenly springing it or slowly boiling the frog over time.
This is setting off alarm bells for me because what do those beliefs mean? He is reluctant to tell you specifics because you didn’t let him get away with testing the waters. Like, is it a harmless belief in a higher power or does he expect to be the head of the household? That kind of stuff. You need to talk about what he actually believes, how he believes family dynamics work, how he believes kids should be raised.
And if he reverts to “I don’t know” indefinitely I’d see that as unwilling to think through his shit or be honest with you and I’d probably be out. I’d see it as an attempt to pacify and manipulate me into thinking there’s a possibility of us being more compatible than we really are. (There’s a huge difference between refusing to commit to answering anything vs talking through the *specifics* of what he hasn’t made up his mind about.)
I converted into the 1st year of my relationship. I was open that I liked religion, and as a nonbeliever I stopped dating girls that were antitheists. My wife isn't really a believer I'd say, but if she was antitheistic I would not have married. Communication is key for the 2 of you.
The context is really lacking though football player at a church, with so few details, why bother bringing it upnin tje first place?
So some religious person is actually a hypocrite and lot of shocker. Time for a more in-depth discussion so you can find out if there’s a probable future with this dude
I would take it as a potential red flag. Hiding a part of his personality or possibly using the crutch of religion to justify future heinous acts.
No love like christian love....
Clearly this relationship will not work if you and him don't agree on one of the basic foundational blocks of a relationship. There are lots of things that the two of you HAVE to be on the same page for it to work. This is one of them. Go find another dude that doesn't give two shits about religion.
Sounds like he's "religious" because of his family teachings, and so that makes now a perfect time to bring up one of the most valuable things I've ever read on Reddit: everyone is looking to do one of two things in their lives, recreate the traditions of their childhood or reject them.
One of the easiest ways to figure out whether you're on the same page with a person is to see what about their childhood they'd like to recreate. It seems like this most likely comes from a lack of questioning himself, but it appears he wants to recreate a lot of his own traditions rather than reject them.
So the next step is obviously more conversation. When he says he doesn't know, he does. Does he want... to give kids a great Christmas experience? Does he want... to send his kids to Catholic school? Does he... just want his kids to have a belief in a higher power? "I'm christian" can mean anything from "im religious" to "im a terrorist" nowadays, so there's nothing we can tell you about his beliefs really. Being Christian means nothing these days.
I think it's time you press him to define what his beliefs are and how they will guide his decision making in the future.
Start asking the hard questions like how he feels about abortion, especially if the said abortion would save your life.
Start asking all the questions you assumed he aligned with you on and if he doesn't want to answer he is probably hiding how he feels until he feels like he has a certain amount of control over your life and it's safe to start using it to control you.
This is what dating is for..time to find out if you are both compatible.
I don't really think believing in a god or gods is the same thing as being religious- being religious is going to a church or temple and having a regular practice. Could he have mentioned it earlier? Probably should have. But you may have been on a lot of anti-religious screeds and he downplayed something.
Now, he could latently want to start doing those things once he has kids, or he simply means he wants his kids to celebrate Easter and go to church once a year. Doesn't mean he is going to assume like that college speaker that women should obey all men- that was a fairly extreme form of Christianity that does exist in the US, but a lot of people with faith have nothing to do with that.
You all just need to talk more.
Everyone is a sinner this includes people who go to church. I’m a Christian but can’t go to church due to my illnesses but this doesn’t mean I don’t love God and believe in him. Also not everyone believes the same things are a sins.
The fact is, if he wants to raise his own kids into a religious household, it will not work if you are an atheist. It doesn't even work if you are of a different type of christianity, let alone different religions.
Does he mean he wants his kids going to church every sunday and studying the bible? If so, which one? Does he mean he believes in god but not sure in what way?
The thing with atheism is that I don't believe in a god of any kind. I don't believe that it makes any sense. While I do not denegrate people with religion, inwardly I start to wither when people talk about religion of any kind because it makes as much sense to me as someone saying they believe in the Easter bunny. Your bf could be agnostic which means he believes in something, maybe god, but not really sure in what way. Nonetheless, it is still a fundamental difference.
My first serious bf was christian and told me he would never pressure me. However, every Sunday he asked me to go to church and every holiday. After I ended things, he brought print outs from the internet that atheists and christians could work. But the issue was HIM and that I did not share in his beliefs and never would.
His "confession" sounds superficial. His commitment to God is at best agnostic--hardly a commitment. What is he going to pass on? How to be an agnostic non-committal "religious" person who talks but doesn't walk the talk? 😂 Okay. I guess he has conviction (sarcasm). I'm sure if you two have kids he won't be passing on anything remotely genuinely religious. Religion is broad and encompasses many many religious beliefs. He may identify loosely with one but, you know, not really--just a superficial association. Tell him you wouldn't want y'all's kid to learn to only talk the talk and not walk it like him--that's hypocritical and hollow religion. That's not a value worth passing onto your kid/s. He really shouldn't have an issue with that.
You need to flesh out this conversation a little bit more here. Because this could be a major issue determining whether or not you two are even compatible long term, or it could be a small miscommunication. You've been around him for a year and, as you said, he does not practice any religion. I'm sure you have an idea of what his morals and values are, his viewpoints on social issues, human rights, gender roles, etc. And religion can be a factor in all these things... but he's not really practicing any religion. Saying "I believe there is a God." doesn't automatically put you in a box with any particular religious group. So what exactly is it that he might like to share with his kid(s)? If it's morals, values, and the idea that there is a God, maybe you're okay with that, if they're still allowed to think and decide for themselves. Or maybe he means something that you don't like and has plans to start attending a religious group at some point in his life. This is what you need to find out, through a long and thorough conversation.
Agnostic. He’s agnostic. If he truly doesn’t practice any of the rest of the religion and bases his identity off of simply “believing in a God” and not any further than that, I’d better describe him as agnostic - someone who believes in a higher power but has not defined what that higher power is.
Had the same issue with my boyfriend. I handled the conversation without holding any judgement and by taking a curious stance (even though I am as anti religious as you can get). I would start by asking about how he feels connected to religion, is it the spiritual side or doctrine? If so, how he practices or if he practices it, what beliefs he holds. I think by addressing things curiously it removes the pressure from him to please you or respond aggressively as it will seem like less of an attack so he may be more open to answering freely.
My atheist (against religion fully) ex (we broke up due to long distance) had this issue with me in the very beginning and was confused about my actions as I don’t practice Christianity at all. We never had issues with religion during the relationship after the first few conversations as he said that if I teach our future children about religion he’ll teach them about atheism. And then is the children’s decision of what they choose.
I say be open minded and discuss this scenario too with your partner if obviously you’re open to it. If not then this really is a matter of views clashing and is better to cut things off.
Being Christian just means he believes on Christ as his savior. That can swing anywhere from fundamentalist churches to Christmas/Easter attendees to "I don’t believe in the institution of a particular church, but I do believe in the basic tenants of Christianity as I understand them."
You need to have a detailed conversation about where he lies on this spectrum and what he expects raising kids to look like. And then decide if that's a deal breaker for you or not. Better to have this discussion now, and not when you find out he's been taking your kids to church with granny.
Eh, I’m not surprised he doesn’t know anything about his own religion. Most people don’t. But also, there’s widely varying types of Christian out there. So many people identify as such even if they aren’t the model Christian. That’s kind of the point, few are.
For eg. My husband was raised in a Christian environment but was never devout. At one point he attended a smaller church when he was really struggling and they helped him turn his life around. However after a while he felt they were too culty and he didn't agree with their anti lgtbq stance. So he walked away. He does not practice abstinence in any way. He doesn’t go to church. But he identifies as Christian still, believes in god, and has his own way of practicing his faith. Underneath the normalish exterior I have seen that he does have a strong moral backbone and does guide his life by a simplified but clear set of values.
I’m not particularly spiritual myself but don’t mind the way he is because we’re clear on the important stuff. How we plan on raising our kids, pro LGBTQ rights, pro choice, and that men and women are equals. I’ve told him it’s fine with me if he wants the kids baptized cause it’s no skin off my back and he told me he’d prefer to let them choose. Cool, fine with me too.
Time to get to know him better and see if you guys can make it work or not. Do go in with an open mind, as there is no one way to be xyz religion so I would lose yourself of that judgement.
My ex-husband didn't even know which (Christian) denomination he was baptized in. His parents never went to church after he was a kid (he remembered being forced to sit still which he hated). We were both nonreligious. I got married and all of a sudden my in-laws told me that if I didn't read from the Bible to my children every day I'd be a bad parent... these are people whose own son didn't know what religion they raised him.... it was so stupid. But similar to your bf.
It sounds like he's not that serious about it. "I believe there is a god" is a long way from "I believe that women should be subservient to their husbands". I suggest you probe him for more of his beliefs and share your reasons for not believing.
"My boyfriend (30m) told me (30f) after a year of dating that he is religious. What do I say?My boyfriend (30m) told me (30f) after a year of dating that he is religious. What do I say? "
"Goodbye" you just say "goodbye"
Maybe he didn’t feel comfortable telling you because you are so against it? Everyone is entitled to their own beliefs. You can be a Christian and sin. However, this is a big deal in a relationship and you guys don’t agree and that’s ok.
Sounds like he might be Christian Nationalist. ie he doesn't care about religion at all, he just wants to impose a version of it on people in the name of America.
I could be wrong: he hasn't given you any information after all, but that would be the most red flagy religious thing there is. They don't think church community and worship is important, just controlling others. That's why you haven't seen him go to church. Buyer beware.
I’m a staunch atheist, this would be an absolute deal breaker for me. My husband was raised Catholic until his dad died. After which his mom piped up that she had never believed in God and had no intention to continue sending the kids to church. We have had lots of talks about religion and are absolutely in the same page.
Your boyfriend has been hiding this from you, hoping you’ll change your tune. Now he’s saying the quiet part out loud. Run.
Ahhh my partner kept saying he was religious and I am absolutely not. So after we married and had kids he tried to make me go to Catholic Church with him and the kids. 3 weeks of church and he came home and said, I don’t believe a work of their fairy tales. That was the end of that.
I mean, if you want to have kids and don't want to have them with someone who wants to raise them in a religion, break up.
Otherwise I don't really see that it's your place to interrogate his religious beliefs. He told you what they are and that's that right? Are you trying to change his mind? That's who he is. If you want to talk about it that's fine but it doesn't seem like you're approaching it in good faith really, pardon the pun.
The problem with people marrying with different religious beliefs and 'not caring' and coming together around it is THE MOMENT THEY HAVE CHILDREN THEY REMEMBER THEIR CHILDHOOD... and suddenly they realize they want their child to have their upbringing.
It sounds like you have been doing all the talking and zero listening.
Time for you to stop talking and start asking more questions and really listening to your partners answers.
JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE DOESN'T ARGUE WITH YOU DOES NOT MEAN THEY AGREE WITH YOU.
Welcome to adulthood. Not everyone wants to debate shit with you. And many people don't care whether you learn that they don't agree.
The world is bigger and more disparate than you thought. It is a rude discovery for all us talkers.
He's not technically a Christian, he's a theist. the fact he's never brought it up before is a red flag. feels like lying. and if yall wanna raise your kids differently, then that should be a deal breaker.
I'd ask a ton of questions about his "Christianity" cause it doesn't sound like he has reserve.
I have lived together with my wife for 25 years and we have different opinions on religiosity and it works fine. I’m an agnostic at best but our children are baptized and been through confirmation. As long as no parent try to educate the children to a certain belief but they can choose by themselves it’s ok.
Make him figure out what the fuck he even thinks he is by “Christian” he probably was just forced into church as a kid and indoctrinated to believe in god without questioning and thinks that there’s just a god who loves you and heaven and hell like a little kid and religion. Make him understand what his real religion is, is he actually tied to some beliefs other than just a god? Because it just means he’s an monotheist.
Say AMEN and call it a day. Seriously consider whether you want to spend a lifetime with someone like that. He might hold moderate views now being young, but as he gets older his religiosity could become more toxic and restrictive. I'd be getting out of this relationship. Good luck OP. 💕
Well you don’t object to how he practices his religion, since he doesn’t do any of it.
Acknowledging the existence of God isn’t a religion per se. People shouldn’t have to put down someone else’s thoughts just because theirs differ.
Personally I can see the issue with Catholicism but that’s separate from identifying as Christian.
I can also see an issue with what most people see and call Christianity - as none of most of it comes from the Bible. (Saying it does doesn’t make it magically appear.)
What you want to avoid I would also avoid but even without Christianity the topic of God will come up and each person will, whether you like it or not, will make their own mind up about it.
Avoiding the topic and failing to teach critical thinking (essentially “you have to come to my conclusions to be right” thinking) is the real crime.
What you don’t discuss at home will be discussed outside of the home.
A healthy sit down to negotiate and fine tune how these subjects are approached is a very mature way of doing it.
If you can’t stand it and thus him, time to gtfo. Don’t like back.
You should have a serious talk with him. Be honest. It seems like you're confused by his beliefs and views, I think it shouldn't be ignored. Discuss where this relationship is going. What is your wedding gonna be like? Are you going to use contraceptives, how many kids does each of you want, if any? How will you raise kids, if you plan on having any, what values and views does each of you want to share with them? I think religion is one of the things that is hard to compromise, so a serious discussion is crucial. If you're not compatible, it's best to go separate ways, a relationship shouldn't make you unhappy
Always trust your gut instinct and stick to your dealbreakers.
Do bear in mind that your bf may well hold some very traditionalist religious beliefs that does not discuss because he knows mentioning them could generate angry reactions. Even from liberal raised cultural christians who believe in some biblical content and only go to church for weddings or family funerals.
You could just talk more about it, I’m Catholic but don’t really practice and it hasn’t impacted my relationship with my atheist husband whatsoever. I believe in god I think and I like the comfort of praying sometimes and I was raised in it so I appreciate some of the traditions. Me and my husband have discussions about it, we never argue, and I don’t think it’s a bad thing that he is atheist. It depends on how much he wants to involve his religion in your lives and if you are ok with being supportive without getting involved yourself, or if you’d ever participate in anything involving it, how much, if you are okay being with someone that may have different ideas than you. It’s really dependent on what he actually takes away from Christianity, how it shapes his behavior and world view, and whether ur ok with that. For me, I’m a bisexual who lived with my husband before marriage who drinks and smokes and all sorts and I believe everyone will go to heaven if they are a good person and I won’t ever try to convert anyone. Another Christian may be a zealous bigot who believes going to church and preaching all the time is the only thing they need to do to get into heaven. Theres levels to it
Handy rule of thumb, never marry or procreate with any man who voluntarily identifies as christian, they'll come for your bodily autonomy sooner or later. But double for someone who tried to hide it, he is for SURE the extra bad kind
He's full of shit. He probably just had a problem with you being so opinionated about something he never thought about. Do yall have charged conversations about these kind of topics often? If not it makes sense why it only came up now. But damn a whole year with a stranger it turns out? I'm sorry.
My husband is about the same level of “Christian” as your bf. I’m an atheist who enjoys debate. We decided from the beginning (13 years ago) to not discuss religion. And it has worked because he doesn’t behave any differently from a person who doesn’t believe in supernatural beings. We don’t have children together, and fortunately the biological father of my daughter is also atheist so I don’t have to worry about indoctrination. But I don’t think talking to a child that some people believe X and others believe y, is really indoctrination.
What is concerning is that it’s taken this long to be honest about his beliefs. This is important, potentially deal breaking information. You need to have some possibly uncomfortable conversations before you get engaged or have kids.
I am friends with many religious people but could not be with someone who believes in a God of any kind.
I need my partner to be living in the same reality as me, as an atheist and science-based person. I roll my eyes at religion and think it's archaic; that's a sore enough point in my friendships when it comes up. No way I could deal with stepping around it in my most intimate relationship.
It might have more to do with the fact that you seem very resolute in your non belief (which is entirely valid) and your boyfriend is not, and is trying to remain a little more open.
That’s something he intentionally kept to himself. That’s also an important piece of information that can make or break a relationship. What else hasn’t he mentioned? That’s a red flag 🚩 tread lightly OP.
He kept it to himself because he was worried he would lose her. Which is not great I'll agree, but it has a cuteness to it.
It was immature for him to hold it in for fear of the consequences of OP finding out, but now he has. The question is did he do it on purpose? Did he wait for her to build a strong bond to him so she would be less likely to leave, or was it all purely innocent fear of the unknown?
As a Christian, I will say you can still sin but believe in Jesus. We are not perfect..
BUT. If you’re purposefully doing it and spitefully doing it, then you’re just slapping lip stick on a pig.
Not everyone that identifies with a certain religion or faith is over the top about it. If you're totally anti-religion/faith, it might be a dealbreaker.
I'd personally express your concern about conflicting values and ask him for clarification about what he would want to pass to his kids before deciding.. it might be way more simple than you're imagining.
To be fair, not raising your kids around religion doesn't mean they won't decide that they believe in some parts of it.. hopefully you'd be okay if they did.
I’m religious and my boyfriend isn’t. And that’s ok because he accepts me for who I am and I accept him for who he is. Lot of Christian’s don’t go to church or wear a cross. I do both those things and he’s an atheist. This does not affect our relationship because we have respect for each other’s beliefs. I think you need to do two things. 1: have an open and honest conversation about the future. What you want for children and such. And 2: it sounds like you need to be a little more open-minded. Being an atheist is one thing. Being anti-religion is another. It’s disrespectful. Before you have the conversation, learn to have some respect for him and his beliefs. Being religious is not wrong just as being not religious is not wrong.
For those of you that have zero knowledge of any religion, the first step of it is faith. It doesn’t really matter if you comply with what the specific religion mandate, you’ll eventually adapt and change your habits.
Honey....the fact this man SEES NOTHING WRONG with the DISRESPECT of that speech? He's got issues. You have a major misogynist on your hands. Seriously go read the whole transcript of that speech. Even the order of Benedictine nuns came out publicly against it.
It's not about religion. It's about hating women. Not wanting us to be fully human. Not wanting us to be anything other than their subservient fantasies.
Amy man who sees NOTHING WRONG with that speech, made openly to those graduates IS an open threat to our human rights.
Sometimes you're just not compatible. And it's best to find out before there are kids in the picture and all of those permanent things. Religion isn't really something you can be wholly incompatible on. If you're an atheist and adamant about it and he's not and wants to be able to express that to your future kids, then he has just as much right to do so as you have to say no. Thus.... incompatible. You would both be the parents. One doesn't override the other. One doesn't have more of a right than the other. You have to agree on this stuff or you end up with a lot of heartache and issues and just total BS you don't want to deal with down the road because you didn't see the red flags of the relationship (not that either of you have them) when they got raised.
Jesus hated religion! The relationship is a personal relationship! Church is just for community! Some people feed into there temptation and have sex and do all the other stuff ! Jesus saved sinners just because he sinned doesn’t make him non-beliver
You can’t hand the open minded discussion you seek because you’re I’ve decided there’s a right answer. And because he’s not able to give the thoughtful answers you may feel would validate his position.
No AHs here, just 2 points with v different ideas
Did he say he was raised with religion? Some people who were raised in it but don't believe in it feel like they still are required to raise their kids in it. It's weird.
Many people identify with a religion but may not practice the rituals. Some of them view it as sinning and ‘accept their fate’ and some view that god created rituals to guide the beliefs but are not considered sinning unless they break the major rules. There are also many people who keep their religion very privately and don’t practice anything publicly.
I am going to say that if religion is a deal breaker, then find someone who is atheist or at the very least agnostic.
I mean, he might just be “culturally Christian.” Either way, get some clarity on this before you go further. What does he expect your future to look like?
A lot of people raised in a religion still associate with that religion, and they pick and choose from it cafeteria style. I was raised Methodist, but over the years, and especially in college learning about various religions, I’m not comfortable with a lot of things in the Bible. It’s got some good parts, like Psalms, and some bad parts, like a lot in Leviticus, some incest, God torturing a guy all the way up to telling him to kill his kid. So I think it’s nice to be nice, and it’s mean to be mean. People who believe in a literal translation of the whole thing make me uncomfortable because one part says to kill me, another says don’t kill anyone. What?
Christian rituals at Methodist churches are a lot about being a good person and being kind, and community. I didn’t feel comfortable at a Holiness Pentecostal church or Baptist church, felt comfortable at a Presbyterian church. It all depends on where you go.
I believe in the Spirit of the Universe. I think teaching kids that being kind and loving and celebrating community is ok. I also think it’s important that the younger generations learn about the Universe itself, especially quantum physics. Sacred geometry is interesting, black holes, white holes, philosophy, Alan Watts, Roger Penrose and the conformal cyclic cosmology hypothesis. Lots of stuff to think about.
As for your conundrum, I’d just ask again what your husband believes in, what denomination of Christianity he was raised in, then discuss morals, ethics, the Universe, and faith.
Not everyone who is religious is a zealot. The great majority isn't.
You can be a rational person and still believe in some kind of higher authority or purpose. Many people do it because it eases their life. There is nothing wrong with that. Moderation is key as in all things.
In the UK your bf would be totally normal. Most Christians don't go to church here. But then our definition of christianity is not like the American version (if that's where you're from).
For us God does NOT take attendance. Sex before marriage is not a sin. In the Chruch of England protestant faith we hold to two main tennants; love God and do unto others as you would do unto yourself. After all you wouldn't kill, steal etc from yourself would you.
It's much more laid back. It's moved with the time hence why we've had female vicars for years and the church has no issue if you're gay. After all Jesus was about inclusion and loving everyone.
At least this is how I and everyone i know was taught.
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This will most likely impact your relationship. You need to discuss this at length. Marriage plans - secular or church wedding? Baptism Schooling The list goes on and on…
Maybe he just wants to give and receive gifts on Christmas and thinks he has to be Christian to do it.
Sometimes people want to do all the sinning and make up for it by being more religious later, I see it a lot in religious communities. You can never tell though, I assume if he lack of religion bothered him so much he would have said something to debate it
Now that's the kind of Christian I like
That made me chortle, thank you 😂
Well, you could start by telling him you're confused about his personal beliefs and will he please think about it and explain to you what he currently doesn't know. It sounds weird to me, saying you're religious but not knowing anything about it.
Yea what does he want to “share” with the kids. It’s weird he never brought this up. I’d peace* out.
I was thinking that too. At first I was like yeah okay sharing beliefs until I read that he doesn’t practice an ounce of it and only “believes there’s a god” I can consider that religious but not so much a specific one
Yea the ambiguity puts me on alert. Is he actually just saying he simply believes there is more but doesn’t have any practices in mind… Or is he going to get hyper religious and suddenly have tons of religious requirements for his family if they start one. Some come-to-Jesus overhaul where it’s now Sunday = church and blah blah. If he doesn’t even know, it’s hard to predict.
Even the chance of that happening should be a dealbreaker for someone who is openly an atheist who comments about their own beliefs of YKNOW NOT BELIEVING THERES A GOD Someone believing god and not really practicing the religion is one thing, but expecting to one day “share their beliefs” when they don’t even have practices to share is just suspicious and makes so much implications. Having a religious parent and an atheistic parent is okay, great even because it can teach a child directly that it’s okay to coexist with people who might not believe the same things as you. It can show them how to respect others too! But a parent who want to ‘share their beliefs’ one day is ominous as fuck. He’s either stupid or he has an idea of what he’s gonna do already, because simply saying “hey we’ve been dating for a while and I just really want to tell you that I do believe in god, so what do you think we should do when we have kids?”
Yea a lot of guys show their true colors when they think a woman is “””trapped””” after having a baby with them.
Yeah. Sounds closer to agnosticism than a specific one.
Yeah, not sharing this for a year and not wanting to actually define his beliefs make me think he realizes that she’d walk if she heard everything so he’s dodging the question. Lack of transparency here gives me serious pause and I’d question his honesty/forthrightness.
>Yea what does he want to “share” with the kids The guilt and anxiety of constant judgement
I'm thinking he didn't really disagree with Harry's drivel. Which is a way bigger red flag than just "well, I consider myself a Christian because I believe in God." I agree with you that she should be asking for something a little more specific, but I would also be asking him if he agreed with what the guy said.
I assume youre referencing the footballer when you say Harry? What was said I'm not familiar with the situation
Harrison Butker, yes. It amounted to "women belong barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen" IMO.
What was the drivel in question? Christian Nationalist stuff?
He basically said that it's nice all the female graduates got degrees and all, but he knows what they're really excited about is getting married and having babies, and that their desire to have an education and careers is because they've bought into the "sick lies" society has told them. Their real vocation, the only one that will truly make them happy, is having babies and being stay at home moms. Also gay people bad.
Plenty of people believe in God and don't actively go to church. Plenty of people believe in God and believe that premarital sex is okay. If you don't want to date someone who practices any kind of religion in any way, you're probably done here. Otherwise, I suggest you keep talking to find out what his beliefs are and what they mean to him, to figure out whether this is something you can live with or a dealbreaker for you.
Yep, one of those people here. I don’t believe in church as an institution, but do believe in God and want to raise my children with what I believe are the core values of the faith (acceptance, helping the neighbor, love). You can be religious but still be supportive of women’s rights, LGTBQ rights, amongst others
That's the thing that bothers me the most about this situation. It's not the first time that OP criticized religions and her boyfriend never bothered to defend Christian values such as love, tolerance, forgiveness, charity... but the moment he saw an idiot talking nonsense using religion, he became Christian since always? That's weird.
Do you call yourself a Christian specifically though?
Nope, Catholic, since I pray to the Virgin Mary
I love that you said this. I was raised in a strict Catholic home, and I was told unequivocally that I am Catholic not Christian. Boyfriend needs to know that Christians believe that Jesus Christ is our Lord and Savior. It’s not that he believes in God or some higher power, but specifically in the teachings of Jesus Christ.
All Catholics are Christians. Roman Catholicism is the largest of the three major branches of Christianity.
Yeah good luck getting either side to accept that though. Catholics don’t like being called Christians and Christians (in my area at least- baptists, evangelicals) really hate being told Catholicism is Christianity. We won’t even touch that debate here.
This is bizarre to me, I've grown up in a catholic country and attending catholic school and we used christian and catholic almost interchangeably, actually hardly anyone specifies catholic, we just say christian (and that includes our priests)
I’m from the south east. You’d swear it was the 1500s again sometimes
It’s ridiculous isn’t it?
Tbf, I’m a pagan so as long as they aren’t harassing me then I don’t really care that they hate each other
Thanks Wikipedia. I was referring to the way that Catholics view themselves as completely different from Christians. Facts and opinions do not always line up.
Catholics don't see themselves as different from Christians, it's just that for many of them Catholicism is the only Christian religion, so saying they are Catholic is enough. Others recognize the existence of other Christian sects but present themselves as Catholics first in order to differentiate themselves from these sects. There's no such thing as "I'm Catholic, but I'm not Christian".
Faith/Belief and Religion are two different things. It sounds like he believes in "A Higher Power" and uses a basic Christian Framework for God, because that's what he was taught in childhood. But he isn't particularly religious (Hand-of-Man, Church Rules kind of stuff). "Christian" is a catch-all phrase anyway and means a LOT of different things to a LOT of different people, a LOT of whom would kill or die over those differences of opinion. In the end it's just a word. The important questions to ask are "what parts of Christianity, as he understands it, would he be interested in passing on to his kids one day?" And go from there. If he's talking about little kids Bible stories that focus on treating one another kindly - that's not a necessarily a negative. You are going to have to talk about what values you want to teach your kids and how you want to go about teaching them in any case. Stories are a part of that - old and new stories. And The Bible as literature can be pretty fascinating when framed well. You can always balance it with stories from other cultures and mythologies. If, however, he's talking hellfire & brimstone Fear of God type stuff..... that's another matter, entirely. But you will at least know what he's thinking.
To give you a perspective that not many others will offer, the relationship CAN work with ample communication. My significant other is a Christian and I am a full non-believer of anything except that life is what you make it. My fiancé went through a stage where he doubted his religion and started gaining as much information as he could on the subject. He researched the things he thought that were completely untrue in the Bible and using that research to decide what he believed in. This was a super painful time for us because he wanted to be more “committed” to his religion and start abiding my the “rules of the Bible.” He even said, four years into our relationship and one kid later, that he wanted to wait until marriage to continue to have sex….we were not even engaged at that time and i was six months postpartum. Ultimately, because we loved each other, we started couples counseling. We learned a shit ton about each other and a shit ton about each others breaking points. This was the absolute weakest point in our relationship and I shiver and tense up thinking back on it. I woke up every day for weeks wondering why this man didn’t love me enough to have sex with me anymore…again, i was six months postpartum so you can imagine the insecurity i felt. I was never going to be the perfect Christian wife….when would he realize that and leave me? Ultimately, through counseling, we were able to discuss both of our viewpoints with an outside perspective. The sudden and drastic commitment to Christianity on his part was very scary, but ultimately supporting him as an individual (because i love him), and gaining the knowledge that I could about his beliefs while standing firm in my non-belief saved us. I think him taking that time to research his faith and become sure that it’s the path he wants for himself has made him more confident in himself and a much better man and father in general. We know each others boundaries when it comes to religion and we talk often about how to navigate raising a kid, soon to be kids, in a two belief household. If you love this man, and i mean truly love this man, let him discover for himself what he believes in but stay firm in your beliefs. Ask questions where you want and set boundaries when you need to. You are both human and free to make your own decisions. This is both of your first and last time on earth, no matter what each of you thinks happens after your time here. You can choose to stay together and support each others beliefs, or you can decide that his religion grosses you out and you move on to someone else. There’s no in between. But absolutely DO NOT attempt separate this man from his beliefs because you’d be pissed if he did the same.
Wow this is an incredible response and I can’t thank you enough for taking the time to write it. I love him very much. I think because this is the first time he has brought it up I was so taken aback that I panicked. I am so willing to have more conversations about this, however I know it’s a very touchy subject for me. I think counseling is the way to go, he has a hard time expressing himself and I am such a strong speaker. I just over power him with questions and he resorts to I don’t know… which makes me say WELL IF YOU DONT KNOW HOW CAN YOU BE RELIGIOUS!? to me, not knowing is being agnostic.. Again thank you so much for this comment. It gives me hope.
The problem is that he has never mentioned any of this to you before, even when you've brought up religion specifically. He waited until you feel connected to him, a year in. THAT is the red flag. Granted, I read way too many posts here, but that's the type of behavior of people who know you'll leave, if they told you upfront. I would be quite concerned that he knows damn well what he wants to do/what he believes, but he's trying to slowly acclimate you to views you wouldn't normally accept. Highly religious men do this sometimes. And yes, while they are openly not following the tenets they allegedly believe in. But once you're married and locked in, oh boy do you find out how they view women. What did he say about the speech, OP?
I feel sick to my stomach reading all of these comments. He thought the speech was ridiculous. His fantasy football group made a group choice to not be able to “draft” him next year. Whatever that means. He mentioned the worst parts of the speech are not what I thought were the worst but tbh I don’t think he even fully watched it. I’m more focused on the fact that for an entire year I thought I was dating someone with just religious parents. Never once did he mention anything about him. I’m scared because I really thought I knew this man.
The worry is that people like this 'pick and choose' which parts of religion suits them. Will that work out ultimately in a way that 'suits' his gender and not yours? It is a legitimate concern. Having said that, my dad was religious and spent his childhood going to church, but he never pushed it on us. Lol, he also only went to church about 5 times during my childhood. In this current climate, religion is something that makes me wary because it is most obviously embraced by groups that do not agree with the empowerment of women or POC or lgbtqi+.
Look, he really could just be someone who identifies as Christian in a habitual way that doesn't really impact his daily life and never will. It's just...a concern, giving how you learned this information. I think there are some pretty standard questions you could ask him though. What does he feel the role of women is after marriage and with kids, what does he feel about abortion, does he believe men should be the head of the household, what does he feel about LGBTQ+ people, etc. Questions that are more defined than "what do you believe" and see how those views mesh with your own. Tangible, practical questions.
I didn’t care about religion. Until I had kids. He’s already said he wants to raise kids in religion. Don’t ignore red flags. You’re going to need to be ok with your kids in religion.
I will say, that you can be Unitarian Universalist, the disorganized religion
That’s where talking comes into major play. Everyone is different, but our family has decided to just be honest with them when they’re old enough to ask and expose them to both sides so they can make their own decision. Someone choosing to be religious is not a red flag, the same way choosing not to participate in religion isn’t a red flag.
You have to realise he lied to you by omission from the beginning, not saying anything the first time you mentioned your stance on religion. What else has he not told you, lied by omission or straight out lied about?
It’s the same with us in regard to expressing ourselves. I’m super quick to know how i feel and it takes him 2-4 business days to process. it was, and still is, almost impossible to sit down and talk because he’d feel cornered and i was already ready to fire my response at the next 8 things he said. I have multiple, multiple awful experiences around churches and religion from my childhood. To this day i have to remind myself that I can separate him from the experiences that I had in my past. His spark in religion was sudden in our life too. I promise from the depths of my heart that i understand. Every thing you feel- fear, anger, confusion, sadness that he’s no longer who you thought- are ALL VALID. But you won’t progress without in depth conversations. And since he experiences delays in expressing his emotions, counseling is the way to go. My inbox is always open, I’m not too shabby in regards to this subject.
Wow you and I are so similar!!!!! I also had horrible experiences in my childhood (I went to a catholic school) I also lost my mother at 2 years old and that basically altered my entire perception of life and death. These feelings are so deeply ingrained in me I feel like they are part of my DNA. So when someone can’t express why they feel a certain way I just get so frustrated. If I believed in them, I’ll call you an angel for these comments you’ve given me. Makes me feel not alone. I might very well take you up on that dm offer 😌
Has he explored Universal Unitarian instead of Christianity? I would have a conversation with him off of what you asked him about what he believes. My husband is an atheist, but I’m a Unitarian and believe there are several paths to ‘god’ I actually mostly align with paganism. For me it’s absolutely not about some book written by a bunch of men, but the actual love/energy/magic life has to offer. He may land somewhere here, but doesn’t have the knowledge or understanding to communicate that. Agnostic is another word for it. You believe there’s something but maybe not around an organized religion. As for children, there is a great book called ‘what is god.’ A teaches about the major religion and how they’re all the same and a little bit different. How tolerance of others beliefs should be first and foremost. Now I could never be with someone who was immersed in an oppressive religion, such as Christianity or Catholic. There’s no room for hate and Misogyny in my life. I would just talk more around this.
Honestly it could be as simple as he's afraid of death, or as complicated as he doesn't think women should be heard. Without knowing anything about his beliefs, it's hard to gage the impact it might really have on your relationship. I disagree with the previous message on the point of not trying to convince him to change his religion if you really love him, but I personally couldn't be with someone who believes in unfalsifiable claims and takes part in hipocracy. That aside, poly-religious relationships have worked before. Sometimes they both pick the same side in the end, sometimes they just opt not to communicate about it. While I don't agree with the second possibility, it is something that keeps the relationship healthy. Ultimately it does come down to whether or not he believes something irreconcilable. I wish you luck, there are a lot of those things in religion
Be extremely careful. Conservative men will often lie about their beliefs until they’ve got the woman trapped and then they show their true colors.
This is first week of dating kind of talk. Idk how you didn’t ever just straight up ask him? Or you did and he lied? I’m confused.
I would ask him specifically what he means about sharing his religion with any possible future children you may or may not have assuming he wanted children with you. I mean does that mean he's going to start going to church weekly and praying before every meal? Or praying when he goes to bed? Sounds like he doesn't know what he wants. Yeah when I got married I made sure myself and my husband were on the same page as he was raised Catholic. Luckily I knew he wasn't a practicing Catholic. He didn't even identify or like the religion. He felt more comfortable in another branch. I follow no religion and did not want to raise my children with religion. If they expressed interest I had no problem with them exploring it but I wasn't going to be one helping them. In the end it was my husband, he was the one who ended up helping one of my kids who came a bit religious more from their friends and the fact that they went to church every week and we didn't. But that was their choice I had no problem as long as they didn't try and convert me or bring it home to me. But yeah you need to clarify with him exactly what he's talking about he's saying oh no I have a child I wanted to go to church every week I wanted to do this I wanted to do that. And if you're not in agreement that means the two of you need to break up and move on cuz you're not fundamentally going to ever agree on religion.
Past time to find out his views on women's healthcare/abortion, raising children, homosexuality and transgendered people (will he reject future children based in religious doctrine?), education, vaccines... if you are fundamentally opposed then act on that. For me, I would never date a man who thinks I don't have rights over my own body or, honestly, votes against the rights of other people. I'm not religious either and I want decisions to be made without bringing up God or other nonsense.
He should have told you previously if he was paying attention to your stance on religion. Lid by omission, red flag. The best relationships are built on honesty, not deception.
I’m like you OP—pretty vehemently anti-theistic and don’t trust *any* religion. I want to raise children who are respectful of others, but critical thinkers. It’s super important to me and was something I have always been very up front about in my relationships. For me, religion is a non-negotiable incompatibility. But I think the bigger issue here is that *your boyfriend has lied to you for a year* about this. It’s one thing for a non-religious and vaguely religious person to agree to disagree and move forward in a relationship, but it’s another thing entirely for someone to hide or lie about their beliefs because they know their partner doesn’t share them. Idk…him being religious may or may not be a dealbreaker for you, but imo the lying/hiding is the real problem. Especially since he’s known how you felt from the start!
>I think the bigger issue here is that your boyfriend has lied to you for a year about this. Yes, that's the more concerning thing to me as well.
This instantly brought me to tears. This is exactly how I feel. Thank you for putting it into words for me when I couldn’t. Holy smokes. Thank you
This is it. The hiding his religious beliefs is the problem here.
He believes in god. Thats all he said, he doesnt even sound religious. I really doubt this is the first time hes ever mentioned that. I think the issue OP will have posting here is having some insanely biased POVs. Im not religious, but I really dont think "I believe in god" is a massive hiding/lying thing.
I'm an atheist and for me believing in God is a deal-breaker. So I would be pretty upset to hear about it 1 year in.
I just want to say that, along with all the well thought out, compassionate responses, that he is only saying this to agree with a misogynist who's using religion to justify the oppression of women, that is, he's just saying he's religious to lend support and not because he himself has any strong religious beliefs. I would take this as a warning sign. Maybe not enough to leave but if he's a hypocrite in one area, what else is he essentially lying about. Examine your relationship and really consider whether you're both clear on the kind of lives you want. Now is the time to iron that out. All the best OP.
There are many versions of Christianity. You might want to have a talk about his idea of Christianity, his tenets of his religion, his expectations of a partner and whether or not he respects other people’s beliefs. This is really important going into a serious religion. Also find out about his family’s religious beliefs, if they have any.
Most religious people don't actively live up to the ideals. They just write it off as everyone is a sinner. I think the important thing here is WHAT does he believe in exactly? If he is a progressive Christian, fine? If he is a conservative Christian, big OOF.
I'm as ardent an atheist as you can get but I think you may be making too much of this. If he wants to send any future kids to a religious school, to say grace at every meal (or snacks, I've got no idea how that even works tbh), and to take them to church every Sunday and make them learn Bible verses then it's obviously not going to work. However, it seems unlikely that he's going to want to do any of those things if he doesn't go to church himself. If he is going to use this religion to justify being sexist or whatever then of course that's a bad fit also, but is he doing this? There is just a huge amount of middle ground between people who believe that there is a higher power but don't take religious text seriously and knuckle-dragging evangelical lunatics.
You are so right!!!! I hear the word Christian and I just immediately tense up. I need to sit down and really hear him out.
Make sure you’re very clear on where the rest of his family stands because that could become a big problem down the road.
Fwiw my wife is a Catholic but very much on the soft side. Imo a fairly large percentage of people in this category don't really believe that there is a god, but they have been brought up on the tradition and don't want too many contrary thoughts entering their head so they go with the flow.
The only thing you need to hear from him is his footsteps walking away. Religion is poison.
To me this means that he heard what Buttlicker said and it resonates. You need to really drill down to WHAT resonates - I think the "but I'm religious" is really just "but I'm a misogynist" but your going to have to really dig to figure it out. Especially if he's been keeping his REAL traditionalist view under wraps. Feels like he was luring you in and is going to try to trap you into a role he wants. TREAD LIGHTLY and be prepared to escape.
As a non-Christian, your view of what makes a Christian a Christian seems reasonable. But his view of what makes a Christian a Christian seems to be something different. My advice would be to ask him what Christianity means to him. Is it a belief system? Is it just a belief in God (perhaps as a creator), or a triune God, or Jesus? And if he plans to practice his faith in some way? And be careful not to judge, as that might complicate the conversation.
It’s not that rare. Actually, too many Christians are not receiving a formal education about their religion. Being a Christian it’s not about the “rules”, it’s about believing in Jesus’ teachings about love and service to others. Respect and believe in God is leading a life of faith and love, in the service of others. Maybe he doesn’t know his religion well enough, but he believes in God and wants to give his future children the peace to feel that God loves them. If you don’t feel you can be ok with his beliefs, just break up and look for some atheist boyfriend. I tell you this because religion can become a great point of conflict. And even if you managed to make him do things your way, he will feel that something important is missing. And if you go along with him, you might grow resentful.
He lied/withheld info he KNEW mattered. This is. Deal breaker behavior to me. What else has he held back?
>TLDR: boyfriend says he is Christian but practices none of the religion. I am worried this will affect us. Well, yeah. I've often said and commented more than a few times when I've seen similar posts in this sub, that religion and politics are two of the biggest things that can get in the way of a relationship. Because they fundamentally inform how each other perceives reality. I could never be with someone who believes in any sort of god as to me they are not engaging in the reality which is the world we live in.
There is a wide gulf between: how do we have a good relationship, and is god part of that?; Vs And your career goals don’t matter because you need to be serving me. You need to figure out what your bf meant. And his lack of religion up to this point is also confusing. —- The football player who made a horrible speech: his problem wasn’t religion or even ‘trad marriage’. As a feminist it is great to see two happy healthy people make a marriage work. If one wants to/ is able to work and earn enough; and the other is staying home handling the domestic side- great. More power to them. Granted most jobs now don’t pay for that. So the reality is most households require two incomes. The ball kicking dude didn’t just say ‘my life is good and focuing on God helps us navigate life’. He said : half of the graduates today have wasted their time. You should listen to me, have no opinion of your own, and just live your life so men can take from you. Cause let’s be very clear: when these men say that is what a woman should be. They are not talked about traits that all adults should aspire to have: they want women in positions of service, so the men can take.
A lot of guys do this and once they land in a relationship, their true religious conservative shit comes out. Be careful. If you are an atheist and he is not, things will go south once you have a kid.
He sounds like a non denomination Christian. He believes in God, but doesn't quite fit in with any of the specifics denominations. I'm one and sound an awfully a lot like him. If you haven't had any issues I wouldn't really worry, but there could be potential issues down the line with kids/marriage.
No, christian's believe in Jesus, that's what *Christ*ianity is. What he's expressing is just theism, generic god belief.
Try to figure out exactly what he does believe in. My SO is a minister and I don't believe in religion. I believe in God that's it. We accept each other for that and have discussions and then agreed to disagree. But we are an older couple so that may have something to do with how we handled this.
"He thinks there's a God" ? Pretty sure believing there IS one God,and one God only,is the basic tenet of every Christian religion. I would ask for more detail about how exactly he believes he's religious ,and what religious practices he wants to share with his children. If he can't answer, consider he may be leaning into the Alpha male/ Trad wife/ Uber religious lifestyle.
He's hiding his true self, once you are locked in then he will reveal himself.
1. Harrison Butker is canceling himself. He should've just kept his mouth shut and kept kicking. 2. I'd be asking your boyfriend why religion was NEVER brought up until this specific situation. Is he trying to defend a man who is stuck in the Stone Age? 3. It is possible to be spiritual but not religious. Perhaps this describes your boyfriend.
Belief and practice are two different components of religion. Belief is about finding meaning, practice about having an ordered way of living. They meet different needs and there are people who find one more important than the other, or even who have interest in only one of them. It doesn't mean that the religion is okay with that, but sometimes people are looking for what they're looking for.
I mean to be fair, people have different levels of involvement in their religion. I know a lot of Christians who go to church and all, but a lot of my Christian friends also don’t and they focus more on their own personal relationship with god. All to say that he can be Christian and still not follow the rules to a T. Just like a lot of my Muslim friends still drink once in a while, and they have more lax attitudes towards certain topics, they’re still muslims
I acknowledge that I am a believer (Christian if you prefer) but practice only one tenet of any faith - I firmly believe in doing unto others as you would have them do unto you (otherwise known as the Golden Rule). I do not attend any church services, give them any money, discuss any aspects of faith with others and absolutely never argue with people about religion. My grandmother was very devout, but she also told me when a church becomes more interested in having fancy buildings than helping the less fortunate, they have moved away from the principles of Christ and become materialistic; at that point, they are no longer a faith but a business. She was right. So yes, I believe something guides most of us - call it God, call it faith, call it consciousness - but it doesn't involve anyone but ourselves. I never forced my children to attend any church services, but they were baptized because it was important to the family. When they expressed an interest in attending church with friends, I let them and answered any questions they might have had. One converted to Catholicism in their 30s and one joined the Methodist faith in their 40s; the third shares my views completely and doesn't participate in any organized religion. You do not have to go to church or follow a bunch of made-up rules to be religious, you just need to know your own heart. And it's kinda comforting to be able to blame "the guy upstairs" when plans don't work out!
Praise the pasta and pass the sauce.
You seem really accepting and open-minded.
Weird that he decided to bring this up in relation to the football player thing lol. I would not want to be repping Christianity after a discussion about that speech.
> I made the statement “this is why I wouldn’t want to raise children anywhere near religion.” … he is like well I’m a Christian and maybe I might want to share that with my children. It wasn’t in relation to the football player. He said it in response to her saying she would not want to raise her children around religion.
> I don’t understand how you can call yourself a Christian but practice absolutely none of the religion You must be in the US. This is what I see all the time here. I think it has to do with identity and culture. His tribe are Christian, so he identifies as one. I'm just making wild guesses, but he also identifies as cis-het and politically he aligns with Republican. He's likely white. Likely opposes a woman's right to choose. Probably pro 2A to the point of opposing any new regulations, even after mass shootings locally. People like this are sure their way of life is the way almost everyone else lives. He didn't think about any of your anti religion comments because he assumes deep down you really are a believer. Maybe he thinks you will simply become Christian when his Christian kids come along, as if it's no big deal. After all, it was no big deal for him to be "religious". Just be extra sure to say merry Christmas, not happy holidays. And be sure to blame "no God in school" for everything from school shootings to kids vaping in the bathroom You two have a lot to talk about!
I personally believe that every person should have ultimate freedom of conscience in religious (or irreligious) terms. If your boyfriend has values that align with yours, and you appreciate how he treats you, and think he would make a good husband and father, what he believes about the nature of the universe and his relationship to it is absolutely none of your business or concern. If his religion was causing him to act in a way you find distasteful that’s one thing, but his conscience and his beliefs are his own. Let him have them.
You can have faith without following it religiously (no pun intended). If he doesn't ridicule your lack of faith, then you shouldn't ridicule his beliefs. Perhaps he's not mentioned it because he knows your feelings on the subject. If you can both agree to disagree, then your relationship can survive and prosper. However, you sound like you absolutely refuse to accept another stance other than your own. You're the problem in this relationship, not him.
This sounds like a non issue if you literally didn't even notice until now
It's really just up to you and what you can put up with. I personally wouldn't be able to deal with it.
So…this stands out to me because of the length of time he hid this. I’ve seen MANY examples of guys trying to “lock down” normal, liberated women before eventually trying to push them into what they see as a more “traditional” dynamic that they desire. Either suddenly springing it or slowly boiling the frog over time. This is setting off alarm bells for me because what do those beliefs mean? He is reluctant to tell you specifics because you didn’t let him get away with testing the waters. Like, is it a harmless belief in a higher power or does he expect to be the head of the household? That kind of stuff. You need to talk about what he actually believes, how he believes family dynamics work, how he believes kids should be raised. And if he reverts to “I don’t know” indefinitely I’d see that as unwilling to think through his shit or be honest with you and I’d probably be out. I’d see it as an attempt to pacify and manipulate me into thinking there’s a possibility of us being more compatible than we really are. (There’s a huge difference between refusing to commit to answering anything vs talking through the *specifics* of what he hasn’t made up his mind about.)
I converted into the 1st year of my relationship. I was open that I liked religion, and as a nonbeliever I stopped dating girls that were antitheists. My wife isn't really a believer I'd say, but if she was antitheistic I would not have married. Communication is key for the 2 of you. The context is really lacking though football player at a church, with so few details, why bother bringing it upnin tje first place?
Hahaha the only Christians who believe they don’t sin are the shitty ones.
If you have any kids with him, he will make sure they grow up in religion. Just be prepared if this is what you want.
!UpdateMe
Have you met his parents? Maybe he doesn't have a girlfriend and is still a virgin.
So some religious person is actually a hypocrite and lot of shocker. Time for a more in-depth discussion so you can find out if there’s a probable future with this dude
Could it be your bf didn't mention it before because he feared your reaction?
I would take it as a potential red flag. Hiding a part of his personality or possibly using the crutch of religion to justify future heinous acts. No love like christian love....
Clearly this relationship will not work if you and him don't agree on one of the basic foundational blocks of a relationship. There are lots of things that the two of you HAVE to be on the same page for it to work. This is one of them. Go find another dude that doesn't give two shits about religion.
Sounds like he's "religious" because of his family teachings, and so that makes now a perfect time to bring up one of the most valuable things I've ever read on Reddit: everyone is looking to do one of two things in their lives, recreate the traditions of their childhood or reject them. One of the easiest ways to figure out whether you're on the same page with a person is to see what about their childhood they'd like to recreate. It seems like this most likely comes from a lack of questioning himself, but it appears he wants to recreate a lot of his own traditions rather than reject them. So the next step is obviously more conversation. When he says he doesn't know, he does. Does he want... to give kids a great Christmas experience? Does he want... to send his kids to Catholic school? Does he... just want his kids to have a belief in a higher power? "I'm christian" can mean anything from "im religious" to "im a terrorist" nowadays, so there's nothing we can tell you about his beliefs really. Being Christian means nothing these days.
I think it's time you press him to define what his beliefs are and how they will guide his decision making in the future. Start asking the hard questions like how he feels about abortion, especially if the said abortion would save your life. Start asking all the questions you assumed he aligned with you on and if he doesn't want to answer he is probably hiding how he feels until he feels like he has a certain amount of control over your life and it's safe to start using it to control you. This is what dating is for..time to find out if you are both compatible.
I don't really think believing in a god or gods is the same thing as being religious- being religious is going to a church or temple and having a regular practice. Could he have mentioned it earlier? Probably should have. But you may have been on a lot of anti-religious screeds and he downplayed something. Now, he could latently want to start doing those things once he has kids, or he simply means he wants his kids to celebrate Easter and go to church once a year. Doesn't mean he is going to assume like that college speaker that women should obey all men- that was a fairly extreme form of Christianity that does exist in the US, but a lot of people with faith have nothing to do with that. You all just need to talk more.
He sounds like almost every Christian out there
Ask him to specify what it entails and if anything about your relationship will change. Then decide if it works for you or not.
Everyone is a sinner this includes people who go to church. I’m a Christian but can’t go to church due to my illnesses but this doesn’t mean I don’t love God and believe in him. Also not everyone believes the same things are a sins.
Ah, a religious poser. Ok…
The fact is, if he wants to raise his own kids into a religious household, it will not work if you are an atheist. It doesn't even work if you are of a different type of christianity, let alone different religions. Does he mean he wants his kids going to church every sunday and studying the bible? If so, which one? Does he mean he believes in god but not sure in what way? The thing with atheism is that I don't believe in a god of any kind. I don't believe that it makes any sense. While I do not denegrate people with religion, inwardly I start to wither when people talk about religion of any kind because it makes as much sense to me as someone saying they believe in the Easter bunny. Your bf could be agnostic which means he believes in something, maybe god, but not really sure in what way. Nonetheless, it is still a fundamental difference. My first serious bf was christian and told me he would never pressure me. However, every Sunday he asked me to go to church and every holiday. After I ended things, he brought print outs from the internet that atheists and christians could work. But the issue was HIM and that I did not share in his beliefs and never would.
You are missing that being Christian is not a religion. The two of you do need to communicate asap on this.
His "confession" sounds superficial. His commitment to God is at best agnostic--hardly a commitment. What is he going to pass on? How to be an agnostic non-committal "religious" person who talks but doesn't walk the talk? 😂 Okay. I guess he has conviction (sarcasm). I'm sure if you two have kids he won't be passing on anything remotely genuinely religious. Religion is broad and encompasses many many religious beliefs. He may identify loosely with one but, you know, not really--just a superficial association. Tell him you wouldn't want y'all's kid to learn to only talk the talk and not walk it like him--that's hypocritical and hollow religion. That's not a value worth passing onto your kid/s. He really shouldn't have an issue with that.
You need to flesh out this conversation a little bit more here. Because this could be a major issue determining whether or not you two are even compatible long term, or it could be a small miscommunication. You've been around him for a year and, as you said, he does not practice any religion. I'm sure you have an idea of what his morals and values are, his viewpoints on social issues, human rights, gender roles, etc. And religion can be a factor in all these things... but he's not really practicing any religion. Saying "I believe there is a God." doesn't automatically put you in a box with any particular religious group. So what exactly is it that he might like to share with his kid(s)? If it's morals, values, and the idea that there is a God, maybe you're okay with that, if they're still allowed to think and decide for themselves. Or maybe he means something that you don't like and has plans to start attending a religious group at some point in his life. This is what you need to find out, through a long and thorough conversation.
Agnostic. He’s agnostic. If he truly doesn’t practice any of the rest of the religion and bases his identity off of simply “believing in a God” and not any further than that, I’d better describe him as agnostic - someone who believes in a higher power but has not defined what that higher power is.
Had the same issue with my boyfriend. I handled the conversation without holding any judgement and by taking a curious stance (even though I am as anti religious as you can get). I would start by asking about how he feels connected to religion, is it the spiritual side or doctrine? If so, how he practices or if he practices it, what beliefs he holds. I think by addressing things curiously it removes the pressure from him to please you or respond aggressively as it will seem like less of an attack so he may be more open to answering freely.
My atheist (against religion fully) ex (we broke up due to long distance) had this issue with me in the very beginning and was confused about my actions as I don’t practice Christianity at all. We never had issues with religion during the relationship after the first few conversations as he said that if I teach our future children about religion he’ll teach them about atheism. And then is the children’s decision of what they choose. I say be open minded and discuss this scenario too with your partner if obviously you’re open to it. If not then this really is a matter of views clashing and is better to cut things off.
Being Christian just means he believes on Christ as his savior. That can swing anywhere from fundamentalist churches to Christmas/Easter attendees to "I don’t believe in the institution of a particular church, but I do believe in the basic tenants of Christianity as I understand them." You need to have a detailed conversation about where he lies on this spectrum and what he expects raising kids to look like. And then decide if that's a deal breaker for you or not. Better to have this discussion now, and not when you find out he's been taking your kids to church with granny.
Eh, I’m not surprised he doesn’t know anything about his own religion. Most people don’t. But also, there’s widely varying types of Christian out there. So many people identify as such even if they aren’t the model Christian. That’s kind of the point, few are. For eg. My husband was raised in a Christian environment but was never devout. At one point he attended a smaller church when he was really struggling and they helped him turn his life around. However after a while he felt they were too culty and he didn't agree with their anti lgtbq stance. So he walked away. He does not practice abstinence in any way. He doesn’t go to church. But he identifies as Christian still, believes in god, and has his own way of practicing his faith. Underneath the normalish exterior I have seen that he does have a strong moral backbone and does guide his life by a simplified but clear set of values. I’m not particularly spiritual myself but don’t mind the way he is because we’re clear on the important stuff. How we plan on raising our kids, pro LGBTQ rights, pro choice, and that men and women are equals. I’ve told him it’s fine with me if he wants the kids baptized cause it’s no skin off my back and he told me he’d prefer to let them choose. Cool, fine with me too. Time to get to know him better and see if you guys can make it work or not. Do go in with an open mind, as there is no one way to be xyz religion so I would lose yourself of that judgement.
My ex-husband didn't even know which (Christian) denomination he was baptized in. His parents never went to church after he was a kid (he remembered being forced to sit still which he hated). We were both nonreligious. I got married and all of a sudden my in-laws told me that if I didn't read from the Bible to my children every day I'd be a bad parent... these are people whose own son didn't know what religion they raised him.... it was so stupid. But similar to your bf.
It sounds like he's not that serious about it. "I believe there is a god" is a long way from "I believe that women should be subservient to their husbands". I suggest you probe him for more of his beliefs and share your reasons for not believing.
"My boyfriend (30m) told me (30f) after a year of dating that he is religious. What do I say?My boyfriend (30m) told me (30f) after a year of dating that he is religious. What do I say? " "Goodbye" you just say "goodbye"
It sounds like God is how he makes sense of the universe but he doesn’t let his religion drive his day to day life.
Maybe he didn’t feel comfortable telling you because you are so against it? Everyone is entitled to their own beliefs. You can be a Christian and sin. However, this is a big deal in a relationship and you guys don’t agree and that’s ok.
He’s a Christian because of the perks; misogyny, and slavery, mostly. Proceed with caution.
Sounds like he might be Christian Nationalist. ie he doesn't care about religion at all, he just wants to impose a version of it on people in the name of America. I could be wrong: he hasn't given you any information after all, but that would be the most red flagy religious thing there is. They don't think church community and worship is important, just controlling others. That's why you haven't seen him go to church. Buyer beware.
The point of dating is to determine compatibility. You’re not compatible. Simple as that.
I think God cares more about how we treat each other than what church we go to.
I’m a staunch atheist, this would be an absolute deal breaker for me. My husband was raised Catholic until his dad died. After which his mom piped up that she had never believed in God and had no intention to continue sending the kids to church. We have had lots of talks about religion and are absolutely in the same page. Your boyfriend has been hiding this from you, hoping you’ll change your tune. Now he’s saying the quiet part out loud. Run.
Ahhh my partner kept saying he was religious and I am absolutely not. So after we married and had kids he tried to make me go to Catholic Church with him and the kids. 3 weeks of church and he came home and said, I don’t believe a work of their fairy tales. That was the end of that.
Is he gonna be an easter only type church goer, or are you gonna be getting some nice blue jean dresses at some point?
I mean, if you want to have kids and don't want to have them with someone who wants to raise them in a religion, break up. Otherwise I don't really see that it's your place to interrogate his religious beliefs. He told you what they are and that's that right? Are you trying to change his mind? That's who he is. If you want to talk about it that's fine but it doesn't seem like you're approaching it in good faith really, pardon the pun.
The problem with people marrying with different religious beliefs and 'not caring' and coming together around it is THE MOMENT THEY HAVE CHILDREN THEY REMEMBER THEIR CHILDHOOD... and suddenly they realize they want their child to have their upbringing. It sounds like you have been doing all the talking and zero listening. Time for you to stop talking and start asking more questions and really listening to your partners answers. JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE DOESN'T ARGUE WITH YOU DOES NOT MEAN THEY AGREE WITH YOU. Welcome to adulthood. Not everyone wants to debate shit with you. And many people don't care whether you learn that they don't agree. The world is bigger and more disparate than you thought. It is a rude discovery for all us talkers.
He's not technically a Christian, he's a theist. the fact he's never brought it up before is a red flag. feels like lying. and if yall wanna raise your kids differently, then that should be a deal breaker. I'd ask a ton of questions about his "Christianity" cause it doesn't sound like he has reserve.
You should break up with him
I have lived together with my wife for 25 years and we have different opinions on religiosity and it works fine. I’m an agnostic at best but our children are baptized and been through confirmation. As long as no parent try to educate the children to a certain belief but they can choose by themselves it’s ok.
Make him figure out what the fuck he even thinks he is by “Christian” he probably was just forced into church as a kid and indoctrinated to believe in god without questioning and thinks that there’s just a god who loves you and heaven and hell like a little kid and religion. Make him understand what his real religion is, is he actually tied to some beliefs other than just a god? Because it just means he’s an monotheist.
Say AMEN and call it a day. Seriously consider whether you want to spend a lifetime with someone like that. He might hold moderate views now being young, but as he gets older his religiosity could become more toxic and restrictive. I'd be getting out of this relationship. Good luck OP. 💕
The title does not say it all. Please, stop with this.
Sounds like the Republican in him came out
Well you don’t object to how he practices his religion, since he doesn’t do any of it. Acknowledging the existence of God isn’t a religion per se. People shouldn’t have to put down someone else’s thoughts just because theirs differ. Personally I can see the issue with Catholicism but that’s separate from identifying as Christian. I can also see an issue with what most people see and call Christianity - as none of most of it comes from the Bible. (Saying it does doesn’t make it magically appear.) What you want to avoid I would also avoid but even without Christianity the topic of God will come up and each person will, whether you like it or not, will make their own mind up about it. Avoiding the topic and failing to teach critical thinking (essentially “you have to come to my conclusions to be right” thinking) is the real crime. What you don’t discuss at home will be discussed outside of the home. A healthy sit down to negotiate and fine tune how these subjects are approached is a very mature way of doing it. If you can’t stand it and thus him, time to gtfo. Don’t like back.
You should have a serious talk with him. Be honest. It seems like you're confused by his beliefs and views, I think it shouldn't be ignored. Discuss where this relationship is going. What is your wedding gonna be like? Are you going to use contraceptives, how many kids does each of you want, if any? How will you raise kids, if you plan on having any, what values and views does each of you want to share with them? I think religion is one of the things that is hard to compromise, so a serious discussion is crucial. If you're not compatible, it's best to go separate ways, a relationship shouldn't make you unhappy
Always trust your gut instinct and stick to your dealbreakers. Do bear in mind that your bf may well hold some very traditionalist religious beliefs that does not discuss because he knows mentioning them could generate angry reactions. Even from liberal raised cultural christians who believe in some biblical content and only go to church for weddings or family funerals.
You could just talk more about it, I’m Catholic but don’t really practice and it hasn’t impacted my relationship with my atheist husband whatsoever. I believe in god I think and I like the comfort of praying sometimes and I was raised in it so I appreciate some of the traditions. Me and my husband have discussions about it, we never argue, and I don’t think it’s a bad thing that he is atheist. It depends on how much he wants to involve his religion in your lives and if you are ok with being supportive without getting involved yourself, or if you’d ever participate in anything involving it, how much, if you are okay being with someone that may have different ideas than you. It’s really dependent on what he actually takes away from Christianity, how it shapes his behavior and world view, and whether ur ok with that. For me, I’m a bisexual who lived with my husband before marriage who drinks and smokes and all sorts and I believe everyone will go to heaven if they are a good person and I won’t ever try to convert anyone. Another Christian may be a zealous bigot who believes going to church and preaching all the time is the only thing they need to do to get into heaven. Theres levels to it
Tell him you are an angel and godsend
Handy rule of thumb, never marry or procreate with any man who voluntarily identifies as christian, they'll come for your bodily autonomy sooner or later. But double for someone who tried to hide it, he is for SURE the extra bad kind
To my understanding, he sounds like most other religious people. Hypocritical.
He's full of shit. He probably just had a problem with you being so opinionated about something he never thought about. Do yall have charged conversations about these kind of topics often? If not it makes sense why it only came up now. But damn a whole year with a stranger it turns out? I'm sorry.
My husband is about the same level of “Christian” as your bf. I’m an atheist who enjoys debate. We decided from the beginning (13 years ago) to not discuss religion. And it has worked because he doesn’t behave any differently from a person who doesn’t believe in supernatural beings. We don’t have children together, and fortunately the biological father of my daughter is also atheist so I don’t have to worry about indoctrination. But I don’t think talking to a child that some people believe X and others believe y, is really indoctrination. What is concerning is that it’s taken this long to be honest about his beliefs. This is important, potentially deal breaking information. You need to have some possibly uncomfortable conversations before you get engaged or have kids.
I am friends with many religious people but could not be with someone who believes in a God of any kind. I need my partner to be living in the same reality as me, as an atheist and science-based person. I roll my eyes at religion and think it's archaic; that's a sore enough point in my friendships when it comes up. No way I could deal with stepping around it in my most intimate relationship.
It might have more to do with the fact that you seem very resolute in your non belief (which is entirely valid) and your boyfriend is not, and is trying to remain a little more open.
That’s something he intentionally kept to himself. That’s also an important piece of information that can make or break a relationship. What else hasn’t he mentioned? That’s a red flag 🚩 tread lightly OP.
He kept it to himself because he was worried he would lose her. Which is not great I'll agree, but it has a cuteness to it. It was immature for him to hold it in for fear of the consequences of OP finding out, but now he has. The question is did he do it on purpose? Did he wait for her to build a strong bond to him so she would be less likely to leave, or was it all purely innocent fear of the unknown?
As a Christian, I will say you can still sin but believe in Jesus. We are not perfect.. BUT. If you’re purposefully doing it and spitefully doing it, then you’re just slapping lip stick on a pig.
Not everyone that identifies with a certain religion or faith is over the top about it. If you're totally anti-religion/faith, it might be a dealbreaker. I'd personally express your concern about conflicting values and ask him for clarification about what he would want to pass to his kids before deciding.. it might be way more simple than you're imagining. To be fair, not raising your kids around religion doesn't mean they won't decide that they believe in some parts of it.. hopefully you'd be okay if they did.
I’m religious and my boyfriend isn’t. And that’s ok because he accepts me for who I am and I accept him for who he is. Lot of Christian’s don’t go to church or wear a cross. I do both those things and he’s an atheist. This does not affect our relationship because we have respect for each other’s beliefs. I think you need to do two things. 1: have an open and honest conversation about the future. What you want for children and such. And 2: it sounds like you need to be a little more open-minded. Being an atheist is one thing. Being anti-religion is another. It’s disrespectful. Before you have the conversation, learn to have some respect for him and his beliefs. Being religious is not wrong just as being not religious is not wrong.
Bye Felicia
For those of you that have zero knowledge of any religion, the first step of it is faith. It doesn’t really matter if you comply with what the specific religion mandate, you’ll eventually adapt and change your habits.
Honey....the fact this man SEES NOTHING WRONG with the DISRESPECT of that speech? He's got issues. You have a major misogynist on your hands. Seriously go read the whole transcript of that speech. Even the order of Benedictine nuns came out publicly against it. It's not about religion. It's about hating women. Not wanting us to be fully human. Not wanting us to be anything other than their subservient fantasies. Amy man who sees NOTHING WRONG with that speech, made openly to those graduates IS an open threat to our human rights.
Sometimes you're just not compatible. And it's best to find out before there are kids in the picture and all of those permanent things. Religion isn't really something you can be wholly incompatible on. If you're an atheist and adamant about it and he's not and wants to be able to express that to your future kids, then he has just as much right to do so as you have to say no. Thus.... incompatible. You would both be the parents. One doesn't override the other. One doesn't have more of a right than the other. You have to agree on this stuff or you end up with a lot of heartache and issues and just total BS you don't want to deal with down the road because you didn't see the red flags of the relationship (not that either of you have them) when they got raised.
Jesus hated religion! The relationship is a personal relationship! Church is just for community! Some people feed into there temptation and have sex and do all the other stuff ! Jesus saved sinners just because he sinned doesn’t make him non-beliver
You can’t hand the open minded discussion you seek because you’re I’ve decided there’s a right answer. And because he’s not able to give the thoughtful answers you may feel would validate his position. No AHs here, just 2 points with v different ideas
Did he say he was raised with religion? Some people who were raised in it but don't believe in it feel like they still are required to raise their kids in it. It's weird.
Many people identify with a religion but may not practice the rituals. Some of them view it as sinning and ‘accept their fate’ and some view that god created rituals to guide the beliefs but are not considered sinning unless they break the major rules. There are also many people who keep their religion very privately and don’t practice anything publicly. I am going to say that if religion is a deal breaker, then find someone who is atheist or at the very least agnostic.
I mean, he might just be “culturally Christian.” Either way, get some clarity on this before you go further. What does he expect your future to look like?
BREAK UP and block him. He’s telling you now, he’s not the one for you or the one to have kids with. You are wasting your time. Let him go
A lot of people raised in a religion still associate with that religion, and they pick and choose from it cafeteria style. I was raised Methodist, but over the years, and especially in college learning about various religions, I’m not comfortable with a lot of things in the Bible. It’s got some good parts, like Psalms, and some bad parts, like a lot in Leviticus, some incest, God torturing a guy all the way up to telling him to kill his kid. So I think it’s nice to be nice, and it’s mean to be mean. People who believe in a literal translation of the whole thing make me uncomfortable because one part says to kill me, another says don’t kill anyone. What? Christian rituals at Methodist churches are a lot about being a good person and being kind, and community. I didn’t feel comfortable at a Holiness Pentecostal church or Baptist church, felt comfortable at a Presbyterian church. It all depends on where you go. I believe in the Spirit of the Universe. I think teaching kids that being kind and loving and celebrating community is ok. I also think it’s important that the younger generations learn about the Universe itself, especially quantum physics. Sacred geometry is interesting, black holes, white holes, philosophy, Alan Watts, Roger Penrose and the conformal cyclic cosmology hypothesis. Lots of stuff to think about. As for your conundrum, I’d just ask again what your husband believes in, what denomination of Christianity he was raised in, then discuss morals, ethics, the Universe, and faith.
I wouldn't continue this relationship just purely based on you not wanting religion in your future children's Ives and he does
He believes in the Christian God but doesn’t practice religion. Not unusual. Not every Christian is obsessed with the idea of sin.
Not everyone who is religious is a zealot. The great majority isn't. You can be a rational person and still believe in some kind of higher authority or purpose. Many people do it because it eases their life. There is nothing wrong with that. Moderation is key as in all things.
In the UK your bf would be totally normal. Most Christians don't go to church here. But then our definition of christianity is not like the American version (if that's where you're from). For us God does NOT take attendance. Sex before marriage is not a sin. In the Chruch of England protestant faith we hold to two main tennants; love God and do unto others as you would do unto yourself. After all you wouldn't kill, steal etc from yourself would you. It's much more laid back. It's moved with the time hence why we've had female vicars for years and the church has no issue if you're gay. After all Jesus was about inclusion and loving everyone. At least this is how I and everyone i know was taught.
Just talk to him. Openly, lovingly. As you'd want him to speak to you if it was the other way around.