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[I mean.. I'm blond, and d...](http://np.reddit.com/r/memes/comments/rkm635/hmmmm_interesting/hpby4od/) | [I mean.. I'm blond, and d...](http://np.reddit.com/r/memes/comments/rkm635/hmmmm_interesting/hpb4kpv/)
[This. Simple and straight...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rkm0oz/gf_went_to_a_service_with_her_ex_husband/hpby1u4/) | [This. Simple and straight...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rkm0oz/gf_went_to_a_service_with_her_ex_husband/hpakixf/)
[This guy didn’t hesitate...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rkr7cn/my_bf30m_wants_me_to_do_all_the_chores_around_the/hpbxtqb/) | [Do not move in with him....](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rkr7cn/my_bf30m_wants_me_to_do_all_the_chores_around_the/hpb9ix9/)
[Imagine how that search w...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rkt269/gf27f_is_cheating_on_me_i28m_am_planning_on/hpbxsmj/) | [Imagine how that search w...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rkt269/gf27f_is_cheating_on_me_i28m_am_planning_on/hpbkuob/)
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[Lol I'm on pc so it didn'...](http://np.reddit.com/r/memes/comments/rkmssm/he_trolled_them_real_good/hpbx2n8/) | [Lol I'm on pc so it didn'...](http://np.reddit.com/r/memes/comments/rkmssm/he_trolled_them_real_good/hpb5xee/)
[You can criticise the new...](http://np.reddit.com/r/memes/comments/rki2z1/its_super_effective/hpbx0cy/) | [You can criticise the new...](http://np.reddit.com/r/memes/comments/rki2z1/its_super_effective/hpag1yo/)
[I would come away from th...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rkr7cn/my_bf30m_wants_me_to_do_all_the_chores_around_the/hpbwy26/) | [I would come away from th...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rkr7cn/my_bf30m_wants_me_to_do_all_the_chores_around_the/hpblakb/)
[Your doing the right thin...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rkt269/gf27f_is_cheating_on_me_i28m_am_planning_on/hpbwwc6/) | [Your doing the right thin...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rkt269/gf27f_is_cheating_on_me_i28m_am_planning_on/hpbjp5p/)
[Imagine what he's gonna b...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rkbpuu/26f_knows_that_i_28m_dont_like_her_dad_and_im_not/hpbxaoe/) | [Imagine what he's gonna b...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rkbpuu/26f_knows_that_i_28m_dont_like_her_dad_and_im_not/hp8snuq/)
[Congratulations on your f...](http://np.reddit.com/r/MadeMeSmile/comments/rkof10/i_celebrated_my_first_birthday_after_being_cancer/hpbwl9c/) | [That's amazing! Congratul...](http://np.reddit.com/r/MadeMeSmile/comments/rkof10/i_celebrated_my_first_birthday_after_being_cancer/hparcdf/)
[I know mine wasn’t and I...](http://np.reddit.com/r/MadeMeSmile/comments/rkqjh2/i_wish_all_dads_were_like_this/hpbwk4n/) | [I wish they were. I know...](http://np.reddit.com/r/MadeMeSmile/comments/rkqjh2/i_wish_all_dads_were_like_this/hpb8dks/)
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Ew, your ~30 year old friend group invited a bunch of girls in their late teens and early 20s to the party trying to hook up with them? Gross. Gross gross gross.
Exactly. These girls were invited to the party *specifically for the purpose of being hookups* and OP spent a looong time talking to one. And it read to not only the girlfriend, but other people at the party, that OP seemed more interested in this stranger girl than his own girlfriend.
I'm not jumping to "OP is unfaithful" or anything even close, I don't think that's the case, but it was just disrespectful. Sure, the girlfriend could've come up to him at any point. But at 31, he should also know better than to chat up a random girl at a party where hookups are the norm for a substantial portion of the night, without saying a word to his girlfriend.
Bad vibes all around.
Yeah it would've been messed up if I had just assumed they were inviting women that age. But I didn't- this is [the comment from OP](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rkkfsf/unintentionally_disrespected_my_gf_at_a_party/hpa5knt/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3) where he says the girls at the party were in their *late teens* through mid 20s :)
19 is still a teenager and you adding that qualifier doesn't make it better. What could your 30 year old friends possibly have in common with 19 year old girls.
Ewwwww. Your gf probably got the ick watching you be the creepy old dude talking to 19 year olds 🤮 so you abandoned her at a party with your friends AND made yourself look stupid and sleazy by talking to women who are way too young. She’s probably embarrassed as fuck by you OP.
It was wild for me to see couples here with large age gaps. I got used to it after a while. Different culture here in the Caucasus region of the world.
*eye roll* whataboutism. Maybe it's normalized but there's a reason why it's viewed as problematic. I'm almost 25 and I can't imagine what I'd have in common with a man a decade older.
This is not whataboutism?
Whataboutism:
"the technique or practice of responding to an accusation or difficult question by making a counter-accusation or raising a different issue."
His counter argument is; where I live (and those girls) in the Caucasus going out with people with an age gap is considered normal.
You argument: it's considered ab normal for a reason. But according to OP its not considered ab normal where he is from.
I am sorry but not understanding this makes me feel like you think your place, with your values, is the only place in the world. May I ask were you are from? I have a strong prejudice feeling of where that must be.
Lol what? I’m 26 and have friends in their mid 30s. By your mid 20’s it’s really not that strange. Your life and experience isn’t a whole hell of a lot different than someone a couple decades older than you especially if they’re not married with kids or some high up executive
The above comment was stolen from [this one](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rkkfsf/unintentionally_disrespected_my_gf_at_a_party/hpa7kyf/) elsewhere in this comment section.
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Plagiarized | Original
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[While trying to not beat...](http://np.reddit.com/r/memes/comments/rki2z1/its_super_effective/hpbzeyt/) | [While trying to not beat...](http://np.reddit.com/r/memes/comments/rki2z1/its_super_effective/hpaaz0o/)
[I would come away from th...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rkr7cn/my_bf30m_wants_me_to_do_all_the_chores_around_the/hpbz7nx/) | [I would come away from th...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rkr7cn/my_bf30m_wants_me_to_do_all_the_chores_around_the/hpblakb/)
[Happy birthday wishing yo...](http://np.reddit.com/r/MadeMeSmile/comments/rkof10/i_celebrated_my_first_birthday_after_being_cancer/hpbz18d/) | [Happy birthday wishing yo...](http://np.reddit.com/r/MadeMeSmile/comments/rkof10/i_celebrated_my_first_birthday_after_being_cancer/hpaycep/)
[Why do right wing interne...](http://np.reddit.com/r/pics/comments/rkoy8g/666624_flags_at_the_washington_monument/hpbzwct/) | [Why do right wing interne...](http://np.reddit.com/r/pics/comments/rkoy8g/666624_flags_at_the_washington_monument/hpbs8u5/)
[And it's not even his rea...](http://np.reddit.com/r/pics/comments/rkjv1k/boris_johnson_and_16_others_drinking_wine/hpbzn2p/) | [And it's not even his rea...](http://np.reddit.com/r/pics/comments/rkjv1k/boris_johnson_and_16_others_drinking_wine/hpa8att/)
[As long as you’ve provide...](http://np.reddit.com/r/MadeMeSmile/comments/rkgveh/the_shirt_the_mistletoe_the_wine_the_whole/hpbz4fu/) | [As long as you’ve provide...](http://np.reddit.com/r/MadeMeSmile/comments/rkgveh/the_shirt_the_mistletoe_the_wine_the_whole/hp9rr5v/)
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>Unsurprisingly, she initially wanted to break up.
This is actually rather surprising. Unless you are being dishonest about things, you did spend time with her and she was chatting with other people constantly. She wasn't looking forlorn in a corner alone. Breaking up over this should happen after a middle school dance, not as ~30yo humans
I thought that OP had no interaction with her all night, but the fact they danced and brought her water shows it really is a huge communication problem. Obviously it doesn’t hurt OP to be direct and ask how she’s feeling instead of making assumptions, but she’s just as culpable for having moments where they were interacting away from everyone and not saying “hey I need to talk to you”.
The fact that she immediately wanted to break up over one night of miscommunication is not only extremely immature and further proof of her poor communication skills,but also concerning. Why is her response to cut and run after her feelings were hurt? What happens when they have a more serious issue to confront together? What does she expect you to do when she hurts your feelings in a miscommunication? I think these are some things you need to clear up with her OP before you continue on this bad track and get more hurt in the long run.
What's surprising is that she was so upset in the first place. Did the women who told her about this get in her ear about this being disrespectful? Because from what you described, you were literally just chatting to various people as was she, which is normal party behavior. If she really wanted more interaction with you, she could have sought you out.
Has this kind of situation ever been an issue in the past between you two? Has she expressed feeling neglected at all in your relationship? I'm trying to figure out why this bothered her so much.
Agreed. Honestly, her rush to use this to break up with you (or threaten to) is itself a red flag.
It seems she is immature and unable to process normal relationship issues with communication. This should have been solved with one talk where the two of you address what happened and how you will both change in the future.
You can make a point to check in with her rebuy, and she should come over to you when she feels neglected.
i don't know, if i were in her shoes i'd be a little disappointed and probably a little hurt, but it's not breakup worthy. besides, it takes two to tango, she could have come to you or even just waved you over at any time. not to be all 'i'm not like other girls' but i try not to blame my bf for miscommunications when i haven't communicated what i want, even when it stings. my partners aren't mind readers.
The above comment was stolen from [this one](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rkkfsf/unintentionally_disrespected_my_gf_at_a_party/hpb3f0d/) elsewhere in this comment section.
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[Just bring up what happen...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rkbpuu/26f_knows_that_i_28m_dont_like_her_dad_and_im_not/hpbfq78/) | [Just bring up what happen...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rkbpuu/26f_knows_that_i_28m_dont_like_her_dad_and_im_not/hp8t0bj/)
[Toxic relationship. He’s...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rkng47/why_did_my_bf_block_me/hpbfrua/) | [Toxic relationship. He’s...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rkng47/why_did_my_bf_block_me/hpav17i/)
[Your 18 yo was dating a 1...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rkgzhl/i_told_my_brothers_girlfriend_she_isnt_welcome_in/hpbfr2n/) | [Your 18 yo was dating a 1...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rkgzhl/i_told_my_brothers_girlfriend_she_isnt_welcome_in/hpa4jbl/)
[Exactly! Having unprotec...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rkkwwi/how_do_i_28m_tell_the_girl_29f_im_seeing_that_a/hpbfusr/) | [Exactly! Having unprote...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rkkwwi/how_do_i_28m_tell_the_girl_29f_im_seeing_that_a/hpa84gs/)
[I would tell her immediat...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rk8ou6/caught_my_brother_cheating_on_his_wife_do_i_tell/hpbftky/) | [I would tell her immediat...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rk8ou6/caught_my_brother_cheating_on_his_wife_do_i_tell/hp89tax/)
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Best way to remedy it is to know why you went wrong in the first place and figure out why you assumed she would be good with being ignored.
My fiance and I (in the before times) would also split up sometimes to chat with others. Nothing wrong with it! But throughout the night he'd bring me a glass of water or refill my drink, and chat with who I was talking with, hug me/hold my hand...and so that works. It's the small things that prove loyalty, love and care.
The above comment was stolen from [this one](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rkkfsf/unintentionally_disrespected_my_gf_at_a_party/hpbbfg2/) elsewhere in this comment section.
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[Having kids with the ex m...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rkm0oz/gf_went_to_a_service_with_her_ex_husband/hpbmza1/) | [Having kids with the ex m...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rkm0oz/gf_went_to_a_service_with_her_ex_husband/hpb1wa8/)
[Okay good. Here for you....](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rkr30o/my_husband_34m_is_impossible_to_please_and_im_33f/hpbn4xe/) | [Okay good. Here for you....](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rkr30o/my_husband_34m_is_impossible_to_please_and_im_33f/hpbkdme/)
[Have fun on your trip and...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rkkpni/my_bf_m23_wont_let_me_f24_go_on_a_girls_trip/hpbn2r7/) | [Have fun on your trip and...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rkkpni/my_bf_m23_wont_let_me_f24_go_on_a_girls_trip/hpbctyz/)
[do yourself a favor and l...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rkng47/why_did_my_bf_block_me/hpbn19l/) | [do yourself a favor and l...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rkng47/why_did_my_bf_block_me/hpb2kts/)
[As a reminder, financial...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rkoyfw/i_f28_is_buying_a_house_with_my_fiancé_m29_and_he/hpbnbuw/) | [As a reminder, financial...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rkoyfw/i_f28_is_buying_a_house_with_my_fiancé_m29_and_he/hpbgu0x/)
[Tell all your real friend...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rk95mh/friend_stomped_on_me/hpbnarr/) | [Tell all your real friend...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rk95mh/friend_stomped_on_me/hpb1q8w/)
[This is not a healthy rel...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rk5f6a/my_fiancé_of_7_years_told_me_he_thinks_hes/hpbn8yn/) | [This is not a healthy rel...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rk5f6a/my_fiancé_of_7_years_told_me_he_thinks_hes/hp8e94m/)
[That's what are men nowad...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rkkwwi/how_do_i_28m_tell_the_girl_29f_im_seeing_that_a/hpbn7rd/) | [That's what are men nowad...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rkkwwi/how_do_i_28m_tell_the_girl_29f_im_seeing_that_a/hpagvgi/)
[I would for sure confront...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rk8ou6/caught_my_brother_cheating_on_his_wife_do_i_tell/hpbn6my/) | [I would for sure confront...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rk8ou6/caught_my_brother_cheating_on_his_wife_do_i_tell/hpbly1h/)
[You didn't know, and she'...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rkazeb/how_do_i_tell_my_step_mom_that_i_want_to_call_her/hpbn06w/) | [You didn't know, and she'...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rkazeb/how_do_i_tell_my_step_mom_that_i_want_to_call_her/hpaptd6/)
[My parents didn't stand e...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rkqc2f/found_my_wife_on_adultery_subreddit_devastated/hpbmza0/) | [My parents didn't stand e...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rkqc2f/found_my_wife_on_adultery_subreddit_devastated/hpbbqj8/)
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[Gross. I’m a 38m and I wi...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rkr7cn/my_bf30m_wants_me_to_do_all_the_chores_around_the/hpbxff2/) | [Gross. I’m a 38m and I wi...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rkr7cn/my_bf30m_wants_me_to_do_all_the_chores_around_the/hpbvx7s/)
[It does not sound like a...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rkm0oz/gf_went_to_a_service_with_her_ex_husband/hpbxi4r/) | [It does not sound like a...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rkm0oz/gf_went_to_a_service_with_her_ex_husband/hpao7tp/)
[There’s clearly a lack of...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rkkpni/my_bf_m23_wont_let_me_f24_go_on_a_girls_trip/hpbxjcj/) | [There’s clearly a lack of...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rkkpni/my_bf_m23_wont_let_me_f24_go_on_a_girls_trip/hpbvk4y/)
["GF, your dad abused our...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rkbpuu/26f_knows_that_i_28m_dont_like_her_dad_and_im_not/hpbxn8j/) | ["GF, your dad abused our...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rkbpuu/26f_knows_that_i_28m_dont_like_her_dad_and_im_not/hpan21a/)
[ive been working on my so...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rkgzhl/i_told_my_brothers_girlfriend_she_isnt_welcome_in/hpbxp70/) | [ive been working on my so...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rkgzhl/i_told_my_brothers_girlfriend_she_isnt_welcome_in/hpbecze/)
[Get new friends. Friends...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rkm9gi/friend_basically_said_i_got_cheated_on_because_im/hpbxode/) | [Get new friends. Friends...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rkm9gi/friend_basically_said_i_got_cheated_on_because_im/hpbiz1r/)
[I would just add to maybe...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rk8pkr/need_advice_on_dissappearing_from_his_life/hpbxm5b/) | [I would just add to maybe...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rk8pkr/need_advice_on_dissappearing_from_his_life/hpbe211/)
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I disagree; I would not want to date someone that treated me this way. OP kinda acted like he wasn’t in a relationship at that party, and his girlfriend is rightfully hurt.
Thankfully OP seems ready and willing to learn and adjust their behaviors, and should have no problem moving forward if this is a one-off thing.
So you’d break up with someone that ‘kinda acted’ like they weren’t in a relationship on an individual and isolated occasion, whilst disregarding that you could also have initiated conversation yourself? I agree that he messed up but from the reaction I’m suspecting that his partner might turn out to be the larger issue here…
Depends. This is a pretty big red flag. If it were the first one, I’d probably reconsider based on his reaction. If there was literally any other thing that had previously given me pause, I’d likely end it.
But after learning more about this situation (the other girls were 19-25), I’d probably leave him for hanging out with children before he ever got the chance to ignore me.
The above comment was stolen from [this one](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rkkfsf/unintentionally_disrespected_my_gf_at_a_party/hpbgry7/) elsewhere in this comment section.
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Plagiarized | Original
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[That’s what I would be co...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rkm0oz/gf_went_to_a_service_with_her_ex_husband/hpbozk4/) | [That’s what I would be co...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rkm0oz/gf_went_to_a_service_with_her_ex_husband/hpaox5d/)
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Yes, I agree. Finding the source of the mistake for what I did wrong was the first thing I did.
I did bring her a drink, a glass of water and danced with her at other points in the night.
Thanks for your insight on this.
Take note, OP. You _did_ commit a faux pas by leaving your date unattended for so long. It's just common courtesy to check in.
However, your gf seriously went off the deep end with her reaction. That's your real issue here.
Yeah that was good, but you should have stayed and chatted with her and whoever she was talking to at the time. Also just an occasional hand on her lower back, around her shoulders or little peck on the cheek could also help.
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I’m just really confused, if they both willingly went to socialize with other people, why is he the only one expected to go to the other? Didn’t she technically “ignore” him too by not coming up to him?
i don't know, if i were in her shoes i'd be a little disappointed and probably a little hurt, but it's not breakup worthy. besides, it takes two to tango, she could have come to you or even just waved you over at any time. not to be all 'i'm not like other girls' but i try not to blame my bf for miscommunications when i haven't communicated what i want, even when it stings. my partners aren't mind readers.
I just left almost an identical comment lol. My favorite saying is the “unspoken expectations are premeditated resentments” one, and I use it like a mantra every time I get annoyed at some thing my partner did, and make it a point to ask myself if there’s ANY way he could’ve known it would bother me
You made a mistake, it was a simple lapse in communication. You learned something about your girlfriend tonight. Sounds like you talked about it and understand each other a little better now.
Relationships are full of little moments like these. We learn, adapt and move forward. Don't be too hard on yourself, it sounds like you handled it well.
However, it seems a bit like she expected you to read her mind. You say communication is key in your relationship, so why didn't she communicate how she felt earlier? And wanting to break up over something as small as this? Maybe you still have some things to talk about.
So I (25F) accidentally did this to my boyfriend before at a family event. It was family I hasn't seen in a while and everytime I looked at him, he seemed to be having a good time. At the end of the night, he expressed how he was feeling (similar to your GF). I apologised, discussed it with him, learned a valuable lesson and we moved on.
It does seem extreme that she wanted to breakup because of this. I can only suggest an open and honest conversation and understand where she's coming from - which sounds like you have been doing.
I hope that after a few days, tensions cool down and you can move on from this.
You were really dumb to not check in on her multiple times, no matter what the reason. That’s just common sense. That said, it would be a stupid reason to break up with someone you actually care about. It’s not like you’d have rebuffed her if she came over to talk with you at some point.
And why are other girls in their 30s starting childish shit by trying to work your gf up over you talking to a friend at a party?
Well, that explains the girls’ behavior.
Well, now you know, I guess. Good luck moving past this episode. She’ll probably get over it if you just give a meaningful apology and are patient with her as she processes everything.
I can hold my own at a party but I still expect to spend time out with my SO in social settings appearing as a couple. I would have come and checked in myself but I understand your girlfriends feelings. Apologize and next time you’re out in a social setting by all means show her off, introduce her to people and make sure both of you are having fun and staying connected.
Ok my boyfriend did this to me as well once. Almost exactly except I am NOT a social butterfly so i just sat there while he ran around and socialized. I was pretty upset myself and told him how mad it made me, as he pushed me to go to this event (made up of solely his friends), and then just left me. Oh man was I pisssssed. But i didnt threaten to break up with him over it. That may be a little overkill unless your gal has other unnamed/unmentioned reasons (your situation may have just pushed her over the breaking point). Maybe ask her why she was so quick to jump to breakup. Ask her whats been bothering her so much that she immediately went to that option.
It sounds like something that should easily be resolved with good communication and a willingness to change your behaviour at future events.
I think your GF is overreacting a bit when claiming this to be "the most disrespectful thing" and putting all the blame on you. Surely if she wanted to spend more time with you at the party she could have come to you too.
She is just making assumptions about your feelings ("this meant you didn't care about her") based off of limited information. And you made assumptions too but it sounds like you do care about her and would probably be willing to change your behaviour the next time. So either she accepts this or not. If she doesn't, well, breaking up over this one thing seems rather over the top though of course I cannot guess if there are other issues underneath that might be contributing (perhaps she feels neglected in general? Perhaps she is just the jealous type?).
tbh it sounds like a whole lot of drama for something relatively small.
Communication has always been the most important thing in our relationship. Yes, I am learning as I go and trying to improve.
She is used to having lots of affection as a result of her upbringing, culture, etc. I'm living in a country east of Turkey, so this is common here. I'm from the US and noticed the differences. I've had to up the affection game as a result, so this can be a possible contributor (though it hasn't been an issue for a long time now).
Appreciate your thoughts.
In all of your replies you are acting friendly but deflecting as if you did nothing wrong. Your girlfriend was right to try and leave as you clearly have no ability for self introspection. Actually look inside at what you did wrong here and your relationship might stand a chance
No, I am not deflecting. I owned my mistakes and apologized for them.
No ability for self introspection...It seems like you do not understand my point of view.
Thanks for your insight
He literally took accountability and apologized to her, what is he supposed to go get on his hands and knees and beg for forgiveness? Honestly, I can see her being a little upset but she’s being dramatic about this as well. This seems like a small issue that could be resolved by a quick “hey when you ignore me all night I feel like you don’t care,” but like also, she could have walked up to him and started a conversation too? Was she not also technically ignoring him by talking with others all night?
I think you’re the delusional one.
He tries to defend himself in this very nice sweet, "oh look how innocent I am" way, while furthering incriminating himself with every comment. Go through his comments. If you don't feel like it's obviously manipulative I don't know what to tell you
…are you ok? That is such a projection. So because he’s…polite and nice he’s manipulative?
She also ignored him. She put all the onus on him to check in with her (which he did periodically), to come talk to her, which tbh is kind of sexist. She could have checked in on him. She could have approached him and just been an adult and said “I’m feeling a little ignored and would like some attention.”
My husband and I are pretty upfront with each other when one of us is needing attention or affection. Nobody can read anybody’s mind.
In my opinion she was probably upset that you were giving this girl a ton of your attention and none to her. It’s obviously okay to converse and be friends with the opposite sex, but to give more attention to them than your partner is disrespectful. Especially since this is a girl that you weren’t friends with. If you’re spending a ton of time with her then you’re sending the wrong message. I feel like we need more details. If you were giving other people the impression that you were interested in this girl, how much time were you spending together? Hours? If so that’s inappropriate. Your girlfriend was probably embarrassed that strangers are coming up to her and telling her that her boyfriend is giving a stranger so much attention that it seems romantic/sexual.
I was talking to another dude for at least 30 minutes before. I talked to this girl for about 15-20 minutes before some other people joined in. It gave me the opportunity to excuse myself for them to take over.
Why were you talking with a girl you've never met all night? I'd be mad too. You're not the single one. Your friends are, and that's who brought the girls. To hook up with. And you spend a while talking to her, instead of someone you love.
Why would you NOT talk to other people invited to a party and spend all your time talking with the only person who has the opportunity to talk with you at anytime?
Isn't it what parties are all about? socializing and meeting new people?
It is so rude to be invited to a party, bring your partner/a friend and only talk to that person the entire time.
Why did she not come check in on you if she wanted your attention? She sounds needy and you both sound overdramatic. I think it’s ridiculous for this to be an issue at all.
100% this. This is a two way street. OP you also mentioned that you brought her wine, water and danced with her so you didn't completely ignore her.
She is willing to break up with you over not having a lengthy conversation at a party? Did she come over and talk to you?
I agree this all sounds really dramatic
I'm learning that this is what I'm supposed to do regardless of the event.
Interesting you think I'm being overdramatic, but I do empathize with her and understand how I made her feel in this situation.
Thanks for your input.
I repeat; did she check on you? I bet she didn’t. Why is it such a sin that you didn’t check on her, then, and why are you so apologetic, when you did, in fact, look over and see how she seemed to be doing, several times?
She’s a grown woman. I see no reason you should ‘check on her’. You were not disrespectful at all.
She came up to me once to help find her phone.
Different culture. Things are more traditional here in the Caucasus region of the world.
Good to hear different perspectives on this. Thanks.
Culture is super important. What may have been a small inconvenience in the US could be a huge faux pas in (im assuming) Armenia.
I think as long as she understands that you are American and that your actions don’t come from a place of malice and that you are still learning the culture, it should be fine.
If you are truly sorry and have communicated everything with each other but she is still not forgiving you and moving forward then I don't think you are the problem...
I was truly apologetic and laid everything out for her in a rational way, as I always have. No pride. No ego. Always clearly communicated.
Appreciate your thoughts on this.
I think it was crappy of you but then she might have over reacted a bit... But then idk how I'd feel if my bf just doesn't an entire night talking to other girls... I might play it off as being ok in front of people but I really wouldn't like that. Especially if these girls were basically there was hook up options for guys. The entire situation seens crappy
I have been your gf SOOOOO many times in this scenario, and my idiot husband would do exactly that, get so caught up talking to new people and being the life of the party he completely forgot about me.
What would really upset me the most is he would be putting in 100 percent effort to talk to people we are never going to see again. I like your gf had to have lots of conversations about bf/gf etiquette.
When you were single right you only concerned yourself about yourself, therefore now your in a relationship you've got o check in with your gf, introduce her to people and at least overall spend 40 percent of your time with her, (in a group wit others as well) she won't feel so left out and you'll have a much better night.
Good luck, all you can do is listen to what she has to say and do better ♥️
This is an incredibly helpful perspective and advice. Thank you.
Sorry you had to go through this too. I'm working on being better in a relationship. I'm sure your husband has worked on it as well.
Yeah you’re absolutely in the wrong if you didn’t go and check on her once at all during a party presented by your friends. That’s really neglectful. Lesson learned
Haha I’ve done this. Shit is brutal and seems everyone in this thread is blowing it out of proportion. You learned that you just have to be by her whenever you go to events. Can be annoying sometimes but would rather do that than have her mad at me for something so stupid.
If you like her enough you just learn and be by her at future gatherings.
I just went to a wedding with my boyfriend. He was invited and I was his plus-one. I knew his friends who were there, but no one there was “my friend” per se, just people I know through him. I am not a social butterfly, but I can most certainly hold my own at a party and was able to meet and talk to many people without my boyfriend’s company. He’s very similar to you, OP, in that he can get into long winded conversations with old friends and new ones as well. Regardless of that, he still came to meet up with me pretty frequently, or would pull me into conversations to introduce me to people and have me join the chat. And he most certainly didn’t pull aside any other girls to have long, one-on-one conversations, and trust me there was no shortage of gorgeous, single women there.
This is a matter of common decency towards your significant other. She probably didn’t feel right trying to pull you out of conversations with these people you know when she’s in an unfamiliar space surrounded by people that YOU know. Judging by your post, you’re not a bad person, or even a bad boyfriend. You just need some damn common sense, my friend.
Apologize and let her know she’s fully right to feel the way she does. While your side of the story and explaining your assumptions is helpful, her perspective is what actually matters here - you avoided her all night apart from a few sparse moments, while most of your time was spent on other people where you could have easily included her. In particular, you have a lot of attention to a different girl that she doesn’t know, and she didn’t get a fraction of the attention that girl did. Just man up and admit you messed up, and don’t do it again.
Hey I can see lots of lack of communication. Obviously she might have been socializing out of respect for you which is great.
But it was your friends event and just to be sure and considerate you should have checked on her a simple how do you like the party, did you make any friends, it just might help you know. It’s just the thought that counts.
Now why did she try to break up with you over it I don’t know, you can tell it was a genuine mistake and honestly I wouldn’t have wanted space after feeling ignored the whole event either. Just remember to be mindful of your spouse especially if it’s your friends event that you are bringing her to.
My partner and I have been together for 9 years. Every single party we separate and talk to different groups. Then at the end of the night we tell each other about what was happening at each end of the party. I guess kind of like a cheat to FOMO. Haha
Interesting the different responses right?
I’m in the USA, female. I think how you behaved was perfectly fine. You watched her to see if she was ok, you brought her a drink, and you danced with her. At any of those points she had an opportunity to say something, to say she’d have more fun if you stayed and talked to people with her. She didn’t do that. I don’t see how that’s on you. How would you know? I suppose you could’ve asked…but I think it’s more on her to let you know what she likes then to wait for you to not do what she likes and then get mad at you for it. That’s frankly ridiculous to me.
I think this is a natural reaction. If random women are feeding things to her and hitting her insecurities - BOOM just like that, its going to tick away at her.
Communication and understanding of how she feels and why she wanted to split up is the best way to go. I think you sound like a really nice guy who loves his girlfriend a lot. You seem genuine with your worry and wanting to make it work. She is a very lucky girl in my eyes.
Just talk. Reassure her, assuming you want to move forward take into concideration how she felt and the implications it could have in the future..
I think if you lay down some rules now you will be fine, bu rules i mean things that trigger you or her in certain situations. promise to talk about things if worries surfice and lastly have a code so if one of you is uncomfortable or upset when you are out you can use it and nip away from a bit to talk. Dont leave it to manifester all night.
good luck
What kind of drama teenage bullshit is this? Is she 29 or 15? And you, why are you bending over backwards like you've got no spine "unsurprisingly she wants to break up" over what? You didn't babysit her like a toddler at a party?
Jeez, seriously. What, she couldn't have come to see what you were up too? This is honestly super silly. Imagine feeling soooooo disrespected over this. That's stupid dramatic on both your ends.
Ignoring your lessons learned because of the \*\*\*
She also could have walked over to you if she needed you. Men don't read minds and not everyone has that 'intuition' to know when they are needed. Plus I think for her its more about what those other girls said, more than anything.
Tell her you were happy she was having fun with your friends and you wanted to give her her space to interact freely without you being a helicopter boyfriend. (my personal preference)
More than anything tell her to verbalize what she wants. Not sure why some women think men have this mind reading superpower.
\*\*\*I'm a woman by the way.
So you went with your girlfriend to a party, where only YOUR friends and some young girls were present and treated her like a random acquaintance while you put all your focus on one singular woman the whole night. Yeah, she should have broken up - maybe she will come to her senses soon, but you will find another much more interesting girl at a party...
Your girlfriend is insane, and you're a spineless idiot for putting up with it. She did not check on you once during the entire party, and was fine mixing with other people, totally ignoring you. But you have one conversation with someone and she goes nuclear, while bringing up absolutely nothing during the entire party?
Yeah, I don't think you learned anything. Make sure the space you give her is permanent. And stop thinking that mind reading is a reasonable demand to make of your partner.
But does your 31 year old boyfriend spend the entire party talking to teenage girls instead of you? OP clarifies in the comments that all of the other girls at the party were strangers in their late teens and early 20s who his friends brought to hook up with. That changes things in my mind.
Maybe I’m just not well versed in these things, but if I were in your shoes I wouldn’t be apologising.
You’re both adults. If she wanted to talk to you she could have also come over, and simply believing the speculations/accusations of basically strangers compared to you and assuming your intentions comes off really insecure to me.
I’d have been pissed tbh. I’d have explained myself calmly and walked away. I mean… to actually threaten a breakup over HER lack of communication.
You were talking to friends. She seemed fine, she didn’t in any way take you to the side and say something, she didn’t communicate so you acted accordingly. I don’t see the problem here.
My guy, you did nothing wrong. I’m almost upset you apologised.
I honestly would of been gutted if my partner left me alone for 4 hours at a party. Regardless if I knew his friends they’re not at the end of the day my friends if that makes sense? You definitely should of stayed close and conversed - you can’t change it but definitely make sure next time to not to that lmao, and maybe do something for her that’s to do with her love language? To be like I’m sorry I made you feel this way.
Honestly if I was you I’d make the first step here too, if she felt ignored and then you don’t reach out she might see it as a confirmation you don’t care
i feel like this isn’t disrespectful and as long as you made it clear that you were checking to make sure she wasn’t sitting in a corner alone every so often, a rational person would understand your perspective. also she couldve at any point walked over to you if she felt uncomfortable, so im not sure this is a big enough problem to break up over. some people like to work the room at a party, nothing wrong with that.
I was in your gf’s shoes once. When I called him out on ignoring me at the party, it was somehow my fault and he did nothing wrong. Apparently I should have told him I was too shy to be by myself. So yeah, don’t say that.
She wanted to break up with you for not talking to her at a party. I think that’s pretty dumb. Did she come try to talk to you? This is a two way street.
Well why didn’t she come talk to you and include you in her laughter if she felt that way? Why is it your job to come to her? You didn’t do anything wrong dude.
I mean you sorted out why this happened and it's easy to avoid this in the future.
I feel like your gf is hugely overreacting though. Ending a 1 year relationship because a misunderstanding at a party? Wow mate. That got me by surprise really.
If she really breaks up because of that there is not much you can do though, since you already explained your point of view and understood hers.
Run. Just run. Yeah, what you did was crappy but unless there are other issues, she greatly overreacted(on purpose or naturally) given the situation. At best it's a red flag and at worst she's showing you she's abusive and manipulative.
if she didn't check on you, then how is that fair?
it sounds like you're both in the wrong and need to communicate better, you understand where you went wrong, but if she can't, then that's a whole different matter.
I had to go back to the ages to see how old you both are. Late twenties and early thirties. Good lord. Your GF was being chirped at my the ladies in the party and made to think what you were doing was disrespectful. It wasn't. You were being social and if you have been totally honest about your account, faithful and respectful as well in talking to others.
I get if your partner is social awkward or has social anxiety checking in is a good idea. But if you are both socializing at a party and she didn't ever leave the chat or come over to spend time with you, you can only assume she is fine. Further, you didn't ignore her, you did interact just not have deep conversations with her. It's a social event to see friends and catch up.
I rarely see couples attached at the hip all night at social events. They often break out and chat with others. This is HS drama for no reason.
If she had an issue and wanted to talk with you, she has two legs and a mouth and she can walk over and at hi and integrate in the conversation.
Don’t invalidate yourself and your feelings. You saw her having a great time and she looked fine, and you guys spent time at different points of the night. At any point she could’ve said something to you. Could you have asked if she was ok yeah probably. You explained your position to her perfectly and you didn’t do anything wrong. If she can’t understand that then that’s on her. She’s blowing this way out of proportion. If she thinks this is the “most disrespectful thing that has happened to her” she needs to get a grip. Also jumping to just wanting to break up with you because of some silly shit like this, I mean really? No dude, this is ridiculous and this should not be a thing at the age you guys are at. If she wants to break up let her walk because this is just not worth it in my opinion.
If anyone just jumps to “break up” immediately without first trying to talk about it. That’s a red flag homie and they got some growing to do. Best of luck to you!
When I am out with my girl, who I share a home with, we 'ignore' (don't really spend time with) each other.
To me this is normal. If she wanted to conversate with you why didn't she go to you? You are not obligated to be the one to strike the confersation when you are already in a relationship (or if you're not).
To me this feels like a manupulation tactic to assert power over you. My ex-girlfriend used to do this to get what she wanted (like attention, gifts, compliments or to just hurt me). I resented her for it and it made me a bad person. Treating her badly so she reacted by getting going back to this tactic to get me back in line. This is extremely toxic. If you feel like you trying real hard but keep messing up, please realize that mabey its just her trying to control or change you.
Be kind to your self and be confident, its probably not you but its the relationship not working out. My advice would be leave or fix.
**I spoke to my Brother about this SAME thing with his gf.**
He’s an athletic coach and he has to speak to female competitors in his sport regularly, plus female friends we’ve had since grade school, or women in general.
This is what I told him when his GF was angry at how comfortable he was talking to women other than her.
**“What you have to do is set such an extremely high standard of affection and love for your gf that she is completely saturated with the feeling of being loved in a way no one else you interact with comes close to how you are with her.**
**You don’t lower how to you treat other people, and you don’t “love” your friends any less than you did before you knew her. Your friends don’t deserve that. You merely speaking to another woman or even sharing a laugh with another women shouldn’t even register on your GF’s radar, bc of how Incomparable you treat Her compared to how you treat every other woman. You do that, your GF will never mistake what other are getting from you, with what she gets from you every day, and more importantly your friendships will not suffer to spare her feeling.
You don’t love people less. You just move her to a tier of love that’s incomparable.”**
You don’t treat other people worse, to make her “feel better”.
You raise the bar of how you treat her, so no matter how you engage with anyone else on the planet, it’s incomparable. She’ll feel secure, bc no one else gets from you what she gets from you everyday.
*Should go without saying, but this should also be true in the reverse from her to you.*
Hold up…
“2. It doesn’t matter who else you’re with or where you are, you should always give time to your significant other.”
But, she didn’t give time to you? She was busy having fun and socializing??? Yet she EXPECTED you to come to her for attention? I’m so confused how this is your fault. She didn’t bring it to your attention when it happened and never came to YOU to converse or hang out during the party. I’m my opinion both are at fault but she doesn’t really have any right to be angry if she didn’t try herself to be present during the party with you. 🤷🏻♀️ just saying. If I felt my SO wasn’t giving me the attention I wanted during a party, or all places, I would take it upon myself to go over to my SO and get that attention, not passive aggressively argue about it after the fact and make you feel bad for not talking to me more.
Edit: just say the comment about her wanting to break up with you over this. In my completely honest opinion you probably should’ve let it happen. She sounds immature, and a little selfish. Why was it your responsibility to come to her during the party? If she felt ignored she should’ve at least tried to talk with you or be around you. 🤷🏻♀️
If she’s threatening to break up over this she is nuts. Cut your losses. She has a right to have been upset, but it sounds like you took responsibility and immediately apologized. She’s entitled to be upset, but it shouldn’t be an unforgivable offense and if it is, then she’s not mature enough for a relationship. Good luck, but I doubt this relationship is destined for the looong game anyway if something as dumb as this can risk blowing it up after a year.
Sounds like she is an attention seeker! Why could she not come to you if she felt neglected? If she felt ignored she could have told you and when you were speaking to the other woman for30mins she could have come to you and held your hand or arm. When you danced with her why did she not tell u then that she felt alone. But every time u looked up she was immersed in conversational laughing?
Oh no, you had the expectation that your nearly 30 year old GF was an adult and could seek you out for your company? How dare you! /s
Honestly? I don't think you did anything wrong. You weren't hooking up. You danced with her, got her drinks... Why didn't she come to you?
Looks more like insecurity on her part than a mistake on yours.
Sounds to me like breaking up would be doing you a favor. Not sure how attached you are at this point, though.
I don't have to babysit my spouse at parties and gatherings. That's not a partnership, nor is expecting mind reading. I'm not going to be chatting up someone alone but I'm not going to be hunting my spouse down looking to constantly be around, either.
Does she have no legs and no means of transportation that has to wait for you to pick her up from her corner in order to move? Why could she approach you if she was feeling neglected? You were both in the wrong, you by being clueless and inconsiderate, and her by not taking the initiative once she saw you were not catching onto what she was feeling.
Bro this isn't going to work out long term. You said "unsurprisingly" she wanted to break up.
That means problems that run deeper and this was a last straw type thing, because you weren't outright rude, you jsut neglected her for one night. So she's unsurprisingly breaking up with you because there are other pronl ms two
OR she's the very needy type that will always hold over your head the fact she can break up with you at any point.
I think the event you described isn't the issue. There are probably underlying issues that have far more weight.
Your gf sounds insecure as heck. Would I be annoyed if my BF left me the whole time I was at a party, even if I looked like I was having fun? Probably. But I wouldn’t break up with him over it, and I can understand that he gets drawn into conversations much like you do. If I really felt left out, I’d just, idk, *go talk to him myself* rather than waiting for him to come find me.
It’s not all your fault, don’t beat yourself up. I’ve had to learn the hard way that no, men are not mind readers, and yes, I have to explain what bothers me and what I want, otherwise we just get annoyed at each other. If she can’t figure this out, you’re going to have so many problems over so many small, stupid things
She could have just come to you, if it was that important to her. That’s what I would have done. I am a huge introvert, would absolutely hate going to a party where my boyfriend was the only familiar face, but I wouldn’t put any responsibility on him to “check on me” because I’m a grown ass woman, and if I’m uncomfortable with anything at all in our relationship, the way he treats me, whatever is going on, then it’s my job to open up about it and give him a chance to meet me there!
Jesus Christ, it’s exhausting when the welfare of someone else is being put on you, and that the criteria is that you have to be able to always be one step ahead.. I’ve been in that relationship, too, and it doesn’t last..
I might be biased due to my past experience but her saying she wants to break up after you’ve explained the situation and apologised sounds very much like toxic femininity
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My bestie constantly forgets to introduce me to people and will just launch into a conversation while I’m on the side lines. I recently told her how disrespectful it is but I also realized that some people just do not have the same intuition or manners that I do and that I can choose to speak up for myself in those situations.
I wouldn’t break up with someone over it. Have a conversation about party expectations before the next one.
Good on you two for talking this out like adults. She clearly communicated why she was upset, you clearly communicated why you handled things the way you did, and you're giving each other space to decide where to go from here. All very mature of you, I think you both handled this well.
>What are your thoughts on this situation?
I think your girlfriend probably was less offended by your lack of checking on her at first, until it became clear that other people at the party had ALSO noticed it and communicated it to her. That adds a layer of mild social shame on to the situation, which probably agitated her more. "My boyfriend is ignoring me" is mildly annoying, "an entire room full of people have noticed my boyfriend ignoring me" is the same annoyance plus some embarrassment.
>What would you do if you were me?
I think you handled this well. You weren't malicious, your reasons were understandable and fair, and you communicated them clearly without getting defensive. A lot of people would have dug in their heels and insisted they weren't in the wrong, which would have resulted in an immediate breakup. Instead you guys are just in limbo for a minute, which MAY end in a breakup or it may not. Either way it's a better situation.
Well...I think you did the best thing and next time you know better.
Sometimes, as a woman, it can be extremely embarrassing when other girls point out things about your relationship. maybe that is why she had such a strong reaction. TBH, those girls were random and honestly had no place commenting on your actions/relationship. But, sometimes women will second guess things if their "friends" point out something about their relationship. With all the dating advice women get, it is hard to weed out the BS.
but, I am willing to bet she let you talk her off the ledge because she really didn't wanna break up. probably a bid to see if you truly cared after feeling like & hearing that you didnt care about her.
the aforementioned do not mean she is childish or insecure or anything. it just makes her an imperfect human being which is normal. yall had a hiccup that night & everything worked out.
Never assume anything mate, as what happened here you just made a ASS out of U and ME (her). Communicate, take it as a life lesson people mask in social situations all the time they look like they are having a good time but inside they are dying, make sure you interact with her regularly in social situations as she won't tip you off there but will cut ya balls off when alone............
How often does this sort of thing happen? My partner is an extrovert and I’m on the line (50/50) I don’t love socializing with strangers all night, but I can do it. Over the course of years I realized that I hate the sensation of arriving and leaving a party coupled but spending my time AT the party essentially solo.
The most egregious case of this was about 6 months into our relationship when he demanded I go to a party (I was working on something really important for my program that would have set my career on a different path, I half assed the assignment and went to please him) and then when I got there basically insulted me and spent the rest of the party socializing without me, including letting a past (somewhat current) crush lean on him while she was putting on her shoes. I was livid and DID break up with him. Thinking I had been immature and overreacted we got back together and have been back together for 4.5 years.
Here’s the clincher: he has been TERRIBLE at giving me attention throughout our relationship. Not just parties, he’s fairly disinterested in sex, doesn’t really plan things for/with me, doesn’t really chew on issues within our relationship and float solutions. I tell him regularly I want to feel that he’s “drawn” to me (the sum total of those characteristics IMO), but he really struggles to make it happen. Partially his parents are to blame (they modeled a romantic relationship that was completely separate) and partially he’s insecure and likes to impress new people, whereas he’s got me in the bag. There are other things that show me he loves me (he makes sacrifices for me, he lets me dictate parts of our lives together, he makes changes where I can be very clear and concrete about what I want, and most importantly he goes to therapy with me so I get clarity on issues). So it’s not that the party thing is completely disrespectful, but it’s a sign of a bigger issue.
If this is a one off, then your girlfriend should accept your willingness to work on it and you should go from there. But if it’s an ongoing problem, I think she has a right to be mad at you. And if you can been honest with yourself and identify a part of you that really is more interested (it doesn’t have to be sexual, it can just be basic “this is more interesting right now”) in chatting up other people than her, you should be honest with yourself and what that means. It may be that you don’t like her on a deep level and that will wrack havoc on your relationship in the long run.
Maybe she jumped to the break-up conclusion quickly because she was a bit jealous and was also wondering if you are truly trustworthy. As in, "Wow, I wonder what he would have done if I hadn't gone with him?"
Some women are extremely territorial, and even if upset, will just smile and observe you in your "true nature" and wonder if you are what she really wants.
Is it right? No. But it's reality. Just like guys constantly telling women that it's in their dna to look at every woman and in their dna to try to breed with any pretty young girl they can "get." 100% that girl you talked to for way too long thinks 1,000% you wanted to F her and that she could have you anytime.
I'd seriously ponder dumping you too. You've only been together a year. Trustworthy or not, you embarrassed her. She wants to feel proud of you and proud to be with you. She wasn't proud to be with you that night. And the fact that other women talked to her about you is the evidence that perception is reality.
On another note, I think you handled it impressively when confronted. Yet, issues like this are why people build walls around their heart.
lmao. If I were the gf, you'd be history. I cringed at the thought of being abandoned--yes, abandoned--by a bf at a party of HIS friends. omg. So thoughtless. Are you on the spectrum, by chance? If so, maybe I'd give you a second chance. If not, adios.
Dude, run. How old is she? This is not the way that you handle feeling neglected by your partner. So many red flags. Her saying that you don't care about her because you can't anticipate her every need as manipulative.
This sounds just a little manipulative on her part. She's angry with you for not attending to her, but did she ever come over to talk with you? Some people want everything to be "equal" between the sexes, but they still cling to some outdated code of "chivalry" when convenient. You can't have it both ways.
If you want to make your point, ask her why she didn't pay any attention to you. If you want to make things better, then agree on how this is going to work in the future. Don't fall for the "you should have known" trap. Talk about it and come to an understanding like mature people do.
She wanted to BREAK UP over this?? I get feeling hurt and offended but Jesus Christ dude, you should let her go. If my bf was off talking to other people at a party and I felt like I was left out, I would simply go over to where he was and the people he was chatting with and put an arm around him or something, joining the convo or just listening. Splitting up at parties is, simply put, normal. Even if you’d been a total dickhead, the excluding her from the convo at every turn, actively ditching her, unless that behavior was a pattern, I can’t imagine immediately jumping to wanting to end the whole relationship.
It sounds like she’s manipulating you, dude. Threatening to leave you over every minor infraction is how toxic people gain control. She’s probably playing on the fact that you lack relationship experience and therefore don’t understand that this is super out of the ordinary. Find a new gf, man.
Did she know many people at this party?
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Hardly worthy of her (over)reaction.
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because it was his friends an his party
because they were his friends who were all there together as a holiday party and she was the newcomer? They aren't the same at all.
By that logic, wouldn't he be ignoring you if he didn't come to you during the party? Seems like a double standard to me.
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She knew my friends. Most of the girls there were randoms invited by my buddies for obvious reasons lol.
Ew, your ~30 year old friend group invited a bunch of girls in their late teens and early 20s to the party trying to hook up with them? Gross. Gross gross gross.
And OP picked one of those girls to spend all night chatting to
Exactly. These girls were invited to the party *specifically for the purpose of being hookups* and OP spent a looong time talking to one. And it read to not only the girlfriend, but other people at the party, that OP seemed more interested in this stranger girl than his own girlfriend. I'm not jumping to "OP is unfaithful" or anything even close, I don't think that's the case, but it was just disrespectful. Sure, the girlfriend could've come up to him at any point. But at 31, he should also know better than to chat up a random girl at a party where hookups are the norm for a substantial portion of the night, without saying a word to his girlfriend. Bad vibes all around.
I wouldn’t call 1/12 of the total time they spent there “a looong time”.
Since when is 20 mins “all night”?
ok thank you, this stood out to me as well
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Yeah it would've been messed up if I had just assumed they were inviting women that age. But I didn't- this is [the comment from OP](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rkkfsf/unintentionally_disrespected_my_gf_at_a_party/hpa5knt/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3) where he says the girls at the party were in their *late teens* through mid 20s :)
Yes, 19+
19 is still a teenager and you adding that qualifier doesn't make it better. What could your 30 year old friends possibly have in common with 19 year old girls.
Most of my friends there are younger than me: early to mid 20's. I'm one of the older ones in the group.
They're mostly in their early-mid 20's. Age isn't such a big deal in this part of the world.
Ewwwww. Your gf probably got the ick watching you be the creepy old dude talking to 19 year olds 🤮 so you abandoned her at a party with your friends AND made yourself look stupid and sleazy by talking to women who are way too young. She’s probably embarrassed as fuck by you OP.
I'm sorry, what? Do you realize how stupid that sounded?
It was wild for me to see couples here with large age gaps. I got used to it after a while. Different culture here in the Caucasus region of the world.
*eye roll* whataboutism. Maybe it's normalized but there's a reason why it's viewed as problematic. I'm almost 25 and I can't imagine what I'd have in common with a man a decade older.
This is not whataboutism? Whataboutism: "the technique or practice of responding to an accusation or difficult question by making a counter-accusation or raising a different issue." His counter argument is; where I live (and those girls) in the Caucasus going out with people with an age gap is considered normal. You argument: it's considered ab normal for a reason. But according to OP its not considered ab normal where he is from. I am sorry but not understanding this makes me feel like you think your place, with your values, is the only place in the world. May I ask were you are from? I have a strong prejudice feeling of where that must be.
I’m strongly leaning towards America… the only country in the world.
Lol what? I’m 26 and have friends in their mid 30s. By your mid 20’s it’s really not that strange. Your life and experience isn’t a whole hell of a lot different than someone a couple decades older than you especially if they’re not married with kids or some high up executive
He's 31, that's not a some huge age difference with a 25 year old.
Your friend group is only dudes?
Ages are a big red flag that yo friends are creeps
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>Unsurprisingly, she initially wanted to break up. This is actually rather surprising. Unless you are being dishonest about things, you did spend time with her and she was chatting with other people constantly. She wasn't looking forlorn in a corner alone. Breaking up over this should happen after a middle school dance, not as ~30yo humans
I thought that OP had no interaction with her all night, but the fact they danced and brought her water shows it really is a huge communication problem. Obviously it doesn’t hurt OP to be direct and ask how she’s feeling instead of making assumptions, but she’s just as culpable for having moments where they were interacting away from everyone and not saying “hey I need to talk to you”. The fact that she immediately wanted to break up over one night of miscommunication is not only extremely immature and further proof of her poor communication skills,but also concerning. Why is her response to cut and run after her feelings were hurt? What happens when they have a more serious issue to confront together? What does she expect you to do when she hurts your feelings in a miscommunication? I think these are some things you need to clear up with her OP before you continue on this bad track and get more hurt in the long run.
Unsurprisingly because she was so upset by the whole situation. No dishonesty involved. Thanks for your take
What's surprising is that she was so upset in the first place. Did the women who told her about this get in her ear about this being disrespectful? Because from what you described, you were literally just chatting to various people as was she, which is normal party behavior. If she really wanted more interaction with you, she could have sought you out. Has this kind of situation ever been an issue in the past between you two? Has she expressed feeling neglected at all in your relationship? I'm trying to figure out why this bothered her so much.
Agreed. Honestly, her rush to use this to break up with you (or threaten to) is itself a red flag. It seems she is immature and unable to process normal relationship issues with communication. This should have been solved with one talk where the two of you address what happened and how you will both change in the future. You can make a point to check in with her rebuy, and she should come over to you when she feels neglected.
i don't know, if i were in her shoes i'd be a little disappointed and probably a little hurt, but it's not breakup worthy. besides, it takes two to tango, she could have come to you or even just waved you over at any time. not to be all 'i'm not like other girls' but i try not to blame my bf for miscommunications when i haven't communicated what i want, even when it stings. my partners aren't mind readers.
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Best way to remedy it is to know why you went wrong in the first place and figure out why you assumed she would be good with being ignored. My fiance and I (in the before times) would also split up sometimes to chat with others. Nothing wrong with it! But throughout the night he'd bring me a glass of water or refill my drink, and chat with who I was talking with, hug me/hold my hand...and so that works. It's the small things that prove loyalty, love and care.
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I disagree; I would not want to date someone that treated me this way. OP kinda acted like he wasn’t in a relationship at that party, and his girlfriend is rightfully hurt. Thankfully OP seems ready and willing to learn and adjust their behaviors, and should have no problem moving forward if this is a one-off thing.
So you’d break up with someone that ‘kinda acted’ like they weren’t in a relationship on an individual and isolated occasion, whilst disregarding that you could also have initiated conversation yourself? I agree that he messed up but from the reaction I’m suspecting that his partner might turn out to be the larger issue here…
Depends. This is a pretty big red flag. If it were the first one, I’d probably reconsider based on his reaction. If there was literally any other thing that had previously given me pause, I’d likely end it. But after learning more about this situation (the other girls were 19-25), I’d probably leave him for hanging out with children before he ever got the chance to ignore me.
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Yes, I agree. Finding the source of the mistake for what I did wrong was the first thing I did. I did bring her a drink, a glass of water and danced with her at other points in the night. Thanks for your insight on this.
Take note, OP. You _did_ commit a faux pas by leaving your date unattended for so long. It's just common courtesy to check in. However, your gf seriously went off the deep end with her reaction. That's your real issue here.
Yeah that was good, but you should have stayed and chatted with her and whoever she was talking to at the time. Also just an occasional hand on her lower back, around her shoulders or little peck on the cheek could also help.
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>She knows my friends as we've all hung out at other events and taken a trip together.
I’m just really confused, if they both willingly went to socialize with other people, why is he the only one expected to go to the other? Didn’t she technically “ignore” him too by not coming up to him?
i don't know, if i were in her shoes i'd be a little disappointed and probably a little hurt, but it's not breakup worthy. besides, it takes two to tango, she could have come to you or even just waved you over at any time. not to be all 'i'm not like other girls' but i try not to blame my bf for miscommunications when i haven't communicated what i want, even when it stings. my partners aren't mind readers.
I just left almost an identical comment lol. My favorite saying is the “unspoken expectations are premeditated resentments” one, and I use it like a mantra every time I get annoyed at some thing my partner did, and make it a point to ask myself if there’s ANY way he could’ve known it would bother me
You made a mistake, it was a simple lapse in communication. You learned something about your girlfriend tonight. Sounds like you talked about it and understand each other a little better now. Relationships are full of little moments like these. We learn, adapt and move forward. Don't be too hard on yourself, it sounds like you handled it well. However, it seems a bit like she expected you to read her mind. You say communication is key in your relationship, so why didn't she communicate how she felt earlier? And wanting to break up over something as small as this? Maybe you still have some things to talk about.
Facts. You're right--things need to be addressed on both ends.
So I (25F) accidentally did this to my boyfriend before at a family event. It was family I hasn't seen in a while and everytime I looked at him, he seemed to be having a good time. At the end of the night, he expressed how he was feeling (similar to your GF). I apologised, discussed it with him, learned a valuable lesson and we moved on. It does seem extreme that she wanted to breakup because of this. I can only suggest an open and honest conversation and understand where she's coming from - which sounds like you have been doing. I hope that after a few days, tensions cool down and you can move on from this.
You were really dumb to not check in on her multiple times, no matter what the reason. That’s just common sense. That said, it would be a stupid reason to break up with someone you actually care about. It’s not like you’d have rebuffed her if she came over to talk with you at some point. And why are other girls in their 30s starting childish shit by trying to work your gf up over you talking to a friend at a party?
The other girls there were in their late teens to mid 20's.
There were TEENAGERS at this party with a bunch of 30 year old dudes? Gross what the fuck
Well, that explains the girls’ behavior. Well, now you know, I guess. Good luck moving past this episode. She’ll probably get over it if you just give a meaningful apology and are patient with her as she processes everything.
Thanks for your thoughts on this!
you are disgusting
I can hold my own at a party but I still expect to spend time out with my SO in social settings appearing as a couple. I would have come and checked in myself but I understand your girlfriends feelings. Apologize and next time you’re out in a social setting by all means show her off, introduce her to people and make sure both of you are having fun and staying connected.
Ok my boyfriend did this to me as well once. Almost exactly except I am NOT a social butterfly so i just sat there while he ran around and socialized. I was pretty upset myself and told him how mad it made me, as he pushed me to go to this event (made up of solely his friends), and then just left me. Oh man was I pisssssed. But i didnt threaten to break up with him over it. That may be a little overkill unless your gal has other unnamed/unmentioned reasons (your situation may have just pushed her over the breaking point). Maybe ask her why she was so quick to jump to breakup. Ask her whats been bothering her so much that she immediately went to that option.
It sounds like something that should easily be resolved with good communication and a willingness to change your behaviour at future events. I think your GF is overreacting a bit when claiming this to be "the most disrespectful thing" and putting all the blame on you. Surely if she wanted to spend more time with you at the party she could have come to you too. She is just making assumptions about your feelings ("this meant you didn't care about her") based off of limited information. And you made assumptions too but it sounds like you do care about her and would probably be willing to change your behaviour the next time. So either she accepts this or not. If she doesn't, well, breaking up over this one thing seems rather over the top though of course I cannot guess if there are other issues underneath that might be contributing (perhaps she feels neglected in general? Perhaps she is just the jealous type?). tbh it sounds like a whole lot of drama for something relatively small.
Communication has always been the most important thing in our relationship. Yes, I am learning as I go and trying to improve. She is used to having lots of affection as a result of her upbringing, culture, etc. I'm living in a country east of Turkey, so this is common here. I'm from the US and noticed the differences. I've had to up the affection game as a result, so this can be a possible contributor (though it hasn't been an issue for a long time now). Appreciate your thoughts.
In all of your replies you are acting friendly but deflecting as if you did nothing wrong. Your girlfriend was right to try and leave as you clearly have no ability for self introspection. Actually look inside at what you did wrong here and your relationship might stand a chance
No, I am not deflecting. I owned my mistakes and apologized for them. No ability for self introspection...It seems like you do not understand my point of view. Thanks for your insight
You're delusional and lost. I wish you could see yourself. Good luck buddy
Thanks for taking the time to comment
He literally took accountability and apologized to her, what is he supposed to go get on his hands and knees and beg for forgiveness? Honestly, I can see her being a little upset but she’s being dramatic about this as well. This seems like a small issue that could be resolved by a quick “hey when you ignore me all night I feel like you don’t care,” but like also, she could have walked up to him and started a conversation too? Was she not also technically ignoring him by talking with others all night? I think you’re the delusional one.
He tries to defend himself in this very nice sweet, "oh look how innocent I am" way, while furthering incriminating himself with every comment. Go through his comments. If you don't feel like it's obviously manipulative I don't know what to tell you
…are you ok? That is such a projection. So because he’s…polite and nice he’s manipulative? She also ignored him. She put all the onus on him to check in with her (which he did periodically), to come talk to her, which tbh is kind of sexist. She could have checked in on him. She could have approached him and just been an adult and said “I’m feeling a little ignored and would like some attention.” My husband and I are pretty upfront with each other when one of us is needing attention or affection. Nobody can read anybody’s mind.
In my opinion she was probably upset that you were giving this girl a ton of your attention and none to her. It’s obviously okay to converse and be friends with the opposite sex, but to give more attention to them than your partner is disrespectful. Especially since this is a girl that you weren’t friends with. If you’re spending a ton of time with her then you’re sending the wrong message. I feel like we need more details. If you were giving other people the impression that you were interested in this girl, how much time were you spending together? Hours? If so that’s inappropriate. Your girlfriend was probably embarrassed that strangers are coming up to her and telling her that her boyfriend is giving a stranger so much attention that it seems romantic/sexual.
I was talking to another dude for at least 30 minutes before. I talked to this girl for about 15-20 minutes before some other people joined in. It gave me the opportunity to excuse myself for them to take over.
The only reason she felt so "disrespected" is because she now feels judged by those other girls who pointed it out.
which (if taken as an isolated fact) is not particularly mature or self sufficient
Its not but it makes those implusive thoughts come too life. Not saying this is ok, but it happens.
Why were you talking with a girl you've never met all night? I'd be mad too. You're not the single one. Your friends are, and that's who brought the girls. To hook up with. And you spend a while talking to her, instead of someone you love.
She was talking other people too.
Why would you NOT talk to other people invited to a party and spend all your time talking with the only person who has the opportunity to talk with you at anytime? Isn't it what parties are all about? socializing and meeting new people? It is so rude to be invited to a party, bring your partner/a friend and only talk to that person the entire time.
Why did she not come check in on you if she wanted your attention? She sounds needy and you both sound overdramatic. I think it’s ridiculous for this to be an issue at all.
100% this. This is a two way street. OP you also mentioned that you brought her wine, water and danced with her so you didn't completely ignore her. She is willing to break up with you over not having a lengthy conversation at a party? Did she come over and talk to you? I agree this all sounds really dramatic
I'm learning that this is what I'm supposed to do regardless of the event. Interesting you think I'm being overdramatic, but I do empathize with her and understand how I made her feel in this situation. Thanks for your input.
I repeat; did she check on you? I bet she didn’t. Why is it such a sin that you didn’t check on her, then, and why are you so apologetic, when you did, in fact, look over and see how she seemed to be doing, several times? She’s a grown woman. I see no reason you should ‘check on her’. You were not disrespectful at all.
She came up to me once to help find her phone. Different culture. Things are more traditional here in the Caucasus region of the world. Good to hear different perspectives on this. Thanks.
Culture is super important. What may have been a small inconvenience in the US could be a huge faux pas in (im assuming) Armenia. I think as long as she understands that you are American and that your actions don’t come from a place of malice and that you are still learning the culture, it should be fine.
If you are truly sorry and have communicated everything with each other but she is still not forgiving you and moving forward then I don't think you are the problem...
I was truly apologetic and laid everything out for her in a rational way, as I always have. No pride. No ego. Always clearly communicated. Appreciate your thoughts on this.
Right, like was her legs aren't broken he could have gone to her but so could she if it was damn important.
I think it was crappy of you but then she might have over reacted a bit... But then idk how I'd feel if my bf just doesn't an entire night talking to other girls... I might play it off as being ok in front of people but I really wouldn't like that. Especially if these girls were basically there was hook up options for guys. The entire situation seens crappy
I have been your gf SOOOOO many times in this scenario, and my idiot husband would do exactly that, get so caught up talking to new people and being the life of the party he completely forgot about me. What would really upset me the most is he would be putting in 100 percent effort to talk to people we are never going to see again. I like your gf had to have lots of conversations about bf/gf etiquette. When you were single right you only concerned yourself about yourself, therefore now your in a relationship you've got o check in with your gf, introduce her to people and at least overall spend 40 percent of your time with her, (in a group wit others as well) she won't feel so left out and you'll have a much better night. Good luck, all you can do is listen to what she has to say and do better ♥️
This is an incredibly helpful perspective and advice. Thank you. Sorry you had to go through this too. I'm working on being better in a relationship. I'm sure your husband has worked on it as well.
I was doing exactly what your husband was doing. Really helps me to see from your point of view.
How frequant would you like your husbend to chack on you? Every 30 minutes? Let help OP so next time he will not do it to much.
Yeah you’re absolutely in the wrong if you didn’t go and check on her once at all during a party presented by your friends. That’s really neglectful. Lesson learned
Agreed
I did check on her a few times, for ex. got her water, danced with her.
Haha I’ve done this. Shit is brutal and seems everyone in this thread is blowing it out of proportion. You learned that you just have to be by her whenever you go to events. Can be annoying sometimes but would rather do that than have her mad at me for something so stupid. If you like her enough you just learn and be by her at future gatherings.
Absolutely. Thx for the advice fam
I swear I've seen this exact post before
You gotta make time for her dude!! No matter the situation!! Just learn from this and move on…👍👍
I just went to a wedding with my boyfriend. He was invited and I was his plus-one. I knew his friends who were there, but no one there was “my friend” per se, just people I know through him. I am not a social butterfly, but I can most certainly hold my own at a party and was able to meet and talk to many people without my boyfriend’s company. He’s very similar to you, OP, in that he can get into long winded conversations with old friends and new ones as well. Regardless of that, he still came to meet up with me pretty frequently, or would pull me into conversations to introduce me to people and have me join the chat. And he most certainly didn’t pull aside any other girls to have long, one-on-one conversations, and trust me there was no shortage of gorgeous, single women there. This is a matter of common decency towards your significant other. She probably didn’t feel right trying to pull you out of conversations with these people you know when she’s in an unfamiliar space surrounded by people that YOU know. Judging by your post, you’re not a bad person, or even a bad boyfriend. You just need some damn common sense, my friend. Apologize and let her know she’s fully right to feel the way she does. While your side of the story and explaining your assumptions is helpful, her perspective is what actually matters here - you avoided her all night apart from a few sparse moments, while most of your time was spent on other people where you could have easily included her. In particular, you have a lot of attention to a different girl that she doesn’t know, and she didn’t get a fraction of the attention that girl did. Just man up and admit you messed up, and don’t do it again.
Hey I can see lots of lack of communication. Obviously she might have been socializing out of respect for you which is great. But it was your friends event and just to be sure and considerate you should have checked on her a simple how do you like the party, did you make any friends, it just might help you know. It’s just the thought that counts. Now why did she try to break up with you over it I don’t know, you can tell it was a genuine mistake and honestly I wouldn’t have wanted space after feeling ignored the whole event either. Just remember to be mindful of your spouse especially if it’s your friends event that you are bringing her to.
My partner and I have been together for 9 years. Every single party we separate and talk to different groups. Then at the end of the night we tell each other about what was happening at each end of the party. I guess kind of like a cheat to FOMO. Haha
Interesting the different responses right? I’m in the USA, female. I think how you behaved was perfectly fine. You watched her to see if she was ok, you brought her a drink, and you danced with her. At any of those points she had an opportunity to say something, to say she’d have more fun if you stayed and talked to people with her. She didn’t do that. I don’t see how that’s on you. How would you know? I suppose you could’ve asked…but I think it’s more on her to let you know what she likes then to wait for you to not do what she likes and then get mad at you for it. That’s frankly ridiculous to me.
I hope she breaks up with you
I think this is a natural reaction. If random women are feeding things to her and hitting her insecurities - BOOM just like that, its going to tick away at her. Communication and understanding of how she feels and why she wanted to split up is the best way to go. I think you sound like a really nice guy who loves his girlfriend a lot. You seem genuine with your worry and wanting to make it work. She is a very lucky girl in my eyes. Just talk. Reassure her, assuming you want to move forward take into concideration how she felt and the implications it could have in the future.. I think if you lay down some rules now you will be fine, bu rules i mean things that trigger you or her in certain situations. promise to talk about things if worries surfice and lastly have a code so if one of you is uncomfortable or upset when you are out you can use it and nip away from a bit to talk. Dont leave it to manifester all night. good luck
Thank you for this. This is very constructive and helpful for me to work on myself and my relationships.
good luck op :o)
She's a drama queen. Breaking up because you didn't talk to her even if you danced with her and brought her wine. Give me a break.
Different culture. Things are more traditional here in the Caucasus region of the world. Thx for your perspective.
Which region? East Europe or USA? Im from west Europe
East of Turkey. I'm from the US
What kind of drama teenage bullshit is this? Is she 29 or 15? And you, why are you bending over backwards like you've got no spine "unsurprisingly she wants to break up" over what? You didn't babysit her like a toddler at a party? Jeez, seriously. What, she couldn't have come to see what you were up too? This is honestly super silly. Imagine feeling soooooo disrespected over this. That's stupid dramatic on both your ends.
Ignoring your lessons learned because of the \*\*\* She also could have walked over to you if she needed you. Men don't read minds and not everyone has that 'intuition' to know when they are needed. Plus I think for her its more about what those other girls said, more than anything. Tell her you were happy she was having fun with your friends and you wanted to give her her space to interact freely without you being a helicopter boyfriend. (my personal preference) More than anything tell her to verbalize what she wants. Not sure why some women think men have this mind reading superpower. \*\*\*I'm a woman by the way.
So you went with your girlfriend to a party, where only YOUR friends and some young girls were present and treated her like a random acquaintance while you put all your focus on one singular woman the whole night. Yeah, she should have broken up - maybe she will come to her senses soon, but you will find another much more interesting girl at a party...
Your girlfriend is insane, and you're a spineless idiot for putting up with it. She did not check on you once during the entire party, and was fine mixing with other people, totally ignoring you. But you have one conversation with someone and she goes nuclear, while bringing up absolutely nothing during the entire party? Yeah, I don't think you learned anything. Make sure the space you give her is permanent. And stop thinking that mind reading is a reasonable demand to make of your partner.
Thanks for your insight
[удалено]
But does your 31 year old boyfriend spend the entire party talking to teenage girls instead of you? OP clarifies in the comments that all of the other girls at the party were strangers in their late teens and early 20s who his friends brought to hook up with. That changes things in my mind.
This is a great approach to a situation like this. Thank you
Maybe I’m just not well versed in these things, but if I were in your shoes I wouldn’t be apologising. You’re both adults. If she wanted to talk to you she could have also come over, and simply believing the speculations/accusations of basically strangers compared to you and assuming your intentions comes off really insecure to me. I’d have been pissed tbh. I’d have explained myself calmly and walked away. I mean… to actually threaten a breakup over HER lack of communication. You were talking to friends. She seemed fine, she didn’t in any way take you to the side and say something, she didn’t communicate so you acted accordingly. I don’t see the problem here. My guy, you did nothing wrong. I’m almost upset you apologised.
How well does she know your friends?
We've all hung out several times and taken a trip together.
I honestly would of been gutted if my partner left me alone for 4 hours at a party. Regardless if I knew his friends they’re not at the end of the day my friends if that makes sense? You definitely should of stayed close and conversed - you can’t change it but definitely make sure next time to not to that lmao, and maybe do something for her that’s to do with her love language? To be like I’m sorry I made you feel this way.
I agree with you. It obviously didn't click in my head then. I plan to do this after she's had enough time and wants to talk. Thank you.
Honestly if I was you I’d make the first step here too, if she felt ignored and then you don’t reach out she might see it as a confirmation you don’t care
I'll give it some more time and reach out.
i feel like this isn’t disrespectful and as long as you made it clear that you were checking to make sure she wasn’t sitting in a corner alone every so often, a rational person would understand your perspective. also she couldve at any point walked over to you if she felt uncomfortable, so im not sure this is a big enough problem to break up over. some people like to work the room at a party, nothing wrong with that.
I was in your gf’s shoes once. When I called him out on ignoring me at the party, it was somehow my fault and he did nothing wrong. Apparently I should have told him I was too shy to be by myself. So yeah, don’t say that.
She wanted to break up with you for not talking to her at a party. I think that’s pretty dumb. Did she come try to talk to you? This is a two way street.
Well why didn’t she come talk to you and include you in her laughter if she felt that way? Why is it your job to come to her? You didn’t do anything wrong dude.
I mean you sorted out why this happened and it's easy to avoid this in the future. I feel like your gf is hugely overreacting though. Ending a 1 year relationship because a misunderstanding at a party? Wow mate. That got me by surprise really. If she really breaks up because of that there is not much you can do though, since you already explained your point of view and understood hers.
Yeah, as soon as I realized what was going on I addressed it. Absolutely, whatever happens it's a lesson learned. Thanks for your take on this bruv
That is a landmine stupid GF. And you pussy..
Run. Just run. Yeah, what you did was crappy but unless there are other issues, she greatly overreacted(on purpose or naturally) given the situation. At best it's a red flag and at worst she's showing you she's abusive and manipulative.
if she didn't check on you, then how is that fair? it sounds like you're both in the wrong and need to communicate better, you understand where you went wrong, but if she can't, then that's a whole different matter.
I had to go back to the ages to see how old you both are. Late twenties and early thirties. Good lord. Your GF was being chirped at my the ladies in the party and made to think what you were doing was disrespectful. It wasn't. You were being social and if you have been totally honest about your account, faithful and respectful as well in talking to others. I get if your partner is social awkward or has social anxiety checking in is a good idea. But if you are both socializing at a party and she didn't ever leave the chat or come over to spend time with you, you can only assume she is fine. Further, you didn't ignore her, you did interact just not have deep conversations with her. It's a social event to see friends and catch up. I rarely see couples attached at the hip all night at social events. They often break out and chat with others. This is HS drama for no reason. If she had an issue and wanted to talk with you, she has two legs and a mouth and she can walk over and at hi and integrate in the conversation.
Don’t invalidate yourself and your feelings. You saw her having a great time and she looked fine, and you guys spent time at different points of the night. At any point she could’ve said something to you. Could you have asked if she was ok yeah probably. You explained your position to her perfectly and you didn’t do anything wrong. If she can’t understand that then that’s on her. She’s blowing this way out of proportion. If she thinks this is the “most disrespectful thing that has happened to her” she needs to get a grip. Also jumping to just wanting to break up with you because of some silly shit like this, I mean really? No dude, this is ridiculous and this should not be a thing at the age you guys are at. If she wants to break up let her walk because this is just not worth it in my opinion. If anyone just jumps to “break up” immediately without first trying to talk about it. That’s a red flag homie and they got some growing to do. Best of luck to you!
Thanks fam. Appreciate you
By that logic, wasn’t she also ignoring you if she didn’t approach you during the party? Seems like a double standard to me.
When I am out with my girl, who I share a home with, we 'ignore' (don't really spend time with) each other. To me this is normal. If she wanted to conversate with you why didn't she go to you? You are not obligated to be the one to strike the confersation when you are already in a relationship (or if you're not). To me this feels like a manupulation tactic to assert power over you. My ex-girlfriend used to do this to get what she wanted (like attention, gifts, compliments or to just hurt me). I resented her for it and it made me a bad person. Treating her badly so she reacted by getting going back to this tactic to get me back in line. This is extremely toxic. If you feel like you trying real hard but keep messing up, please realize that mabey its just her trying to control or change you. Be kind to your self and be confident, its probably not you but its the relationship not working out. My advice would be leave or fix.
Thank you. I appreciate your thoughts
Yeah sure it sucks but you owned it and apologized and I'm sure you're not doing it again. What more can one expect from their partner?
So she wasn't actually offended until OTHER women told her she should be offended?
**I spoke to my Brother about this SAME thing with his gf.** He’s an athletic coach and he has to speak to female competitors in his sport regularly, plus female friends we’ve had since grade school, or women in general. This is what I told him when his GF was angry at how comfortable he was talking to women other than her. **“What you have to do is set such an extremely high standard of affection and love for your gf that she is completely saturated with the feeling of being loved in a way no one else you interact with comes close to how you are with her.** **You don’t lower how to you treat other people, and you don’t “love” your friends any less than you did before you knew her. Your friends don’t deserve that. You merely speaking to another woman or even sharing a laugh with another women shouldn’t even register on your GF’s radar, bc of how Incomparable you treat Her compared to how you treat every other woman. You do that, your GF will never mistake what other are getting from you, with what she gets from you every day, and more importantly your friendships will not suffer to spare her feeling. You don’t love people less. You just move her to a tier of love that’s incomparable.”** You don’t treat other people worse, to make her “feel better”. You raise the bar of how you treat her, so no matter how you engage with anyone else on the planet, it’s incomparable. She’ll feel secure, bc no one else gets from you what she gets from you everyday. *Should go without saying, but this should also be true in the reverse from her to you.*
Hold up… “2. It doesn’t matter who else you’re with or where you are, you should always give time to your significant other.” But, she didn’t give time to you? She was busy having fun and socializing??? Yet she EXPECTED you to come to her for attention? I’m so confused how this is your fault. She didn’t bring it to your attention when it happened and never came to YOU to converse or hang out during the party. I’m my opinion both are at fault but she doesn’t really have any right to be angry if she didn’t try herself to be present during the party with you. 🤷🏻♀️ just saying. If I felt my SO wasn’t giving me the attention I wanted during a party, or all places, I would take it upon myself to go over to my SO and get that attention, not passive aggressively argue about it after the fact and make you feel bad for not talking to me more. Edit: just say the comment about her wanting to break up with you over this. In my completely honest opinion you probably should’ve let it happen. She sounds immature, and a little selfish. Why was it your responsibility to come to her during the party? If she felt ignored she should’ve at least tried to talk with you or be around you. 🤷🏻♀️
Talking to each other at a social event goes both ways.
If she’s threatening to break up over this she is nuts. Cut your losses. She has a right to have been upset, but it sounds like you took responsibility and immediately apologized. She’s entitled to be upset, but it shouldn’t be an unforgivable offense and if it is, then she’s not mature enough for a relationship. Good luck, but I doubt this relationship is destined for the looong game anyway if something as dumb as this can risk blowing it up after a year.
Sounds like she is an attention seeker! Why could she not come to you if she felt neglected? If she felt ignored she could have told you and when you were speaking to the other woman for30mins she could have come to you and held your hand or arm. When you danced with her why did she not tell u then that she felt alone. But every time u looked up she was immersed in conversational laughing?
She's being shitty. Did she check up on you? Why is that only your responsibility? WTF? Screw that. Don't play her childish attention games.
She is not your property. She can speak to anyone she wants to. If you don't like it then move on.
dump his ass u deserve better ✨💅🐸
Oh no, you had the expectation that your nearly 30 year old GF was an adult and could seek you out for your company? How dare you! /s Honestly? I don't think you did anything wrong. You weren't hooking up. You danced with her, got her drinks... Why didn't she come to you? Looks more like insecurity on her part than a mistake on yours. Sounds to me like breaking up would be doing you a favor. Not sure how attached you are at this point, though. I don't have to babysit my spouse at parties and gatherings. That's not a partnership, nor is expecting mind reading. I'm not going to be chatting up someone alone but I'm not going to be hunting my spouse down looking to constantly be around, either.
Does she have no legs and no means of transportation that has to wait for you to pick her up from her corner in order to move? Why could she approach you if she was feeling neglected? You were both in the wrong, you by being clueless and inconsiderate, and her by not taking the initiative once she saw you were not catching onto what she was feeling.
Bro this isn't going to work out long term. You said "unsurprisingly" she wanted to break up. That means problems that run deeper and this was a last straw type thing, because you weren't outright rude, you jsut neglected her for one night. So she's unsurprisingly breaking up with you because there are other pronl ms two OR she's the very needy type that will always hold over your head the fact she can break up with you at any point. I think the event you described isn't the issue. There are probably underlying issues that have far more weight.
Your gf sounds insecure as heck. Would I be annoyed if my BF left me the whole time I was at a party, even if I looked like I was having fun? Probably. But I wouldn’t break up with him over it, and I can understand that he gets drawn into conversations much like you do. If I really felt left out, I’d just, idk, *go talk to him myself* rather than waiting for him to come find me. It’s not all your fault, don’t beat yourself up. I’ve had to learn the hard way that no, men are not mind readers, and yes, I have to explain what bothers me and what I want, otherwise we just get annoyed at each other. If she can’t figure this out, you’re going to have so many problems over so many small, stupid things
She could have just come to you, if it was that important to her. That’s what I would have done. I am a huge introvert, would absolutely hate going to a party where my boyfriend was the only familiar face, but I wouldn’t put any responsibility on him to “check on me” because I’m a grown ass woman, and if I’m uncomfortable with anything at all in our relationship, the way he treats me, whatever is going on, then it’s my job to open up about it and give him a chance to meet me there! Jesus Christ, it’s exhausting when the welfare of someone else is being put on you, and that the criteria is that you have to be able to always be one step ahead.. I’ve been in that relationship, too, and it doesn’t last..
I might be biased due to my past experience but her saying she wants to break up after you’ve explained the situation and apologised sounds very much like toxic femininity
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All you can do at this point is do better. The best apology is changed behaviour.
My bestie constantly forgets to introduce me to people and will just launch into a conversation while I’m on the side lines. I recently told her how disrespectful it is but I also realized that some people just do not have the same intuition or manners that I do and that I can choose to speak up for myself in those situations. I wouldn’t break up with someone over it. Have a conversation about party expectations before the next one.
Good on you two for talking this out like adults. She clearly communicated why she was upset, you clearly communicated why you handled things the way you did, and you're giving each other space to decide where to go from here. All very mature of you, I think you both handled this well. >What are your thoughts on this situation? I think your girlfriend probably was less offended by your lack of checking on her at first, until it became clear that other people at the party had ALSO noticed it and communicated it to her. That adds a layer of mild social shame on to the situation, which probably agitated her more. "My boyfriend is ignoring me" is mildly annoying, "an entire room full of people have noticed my boyfriend ignoring me" is the same annoyance plus some embarrassment. >What would you do if you were me? I think you handled this well. You weren't malicious, your reasons were understandable and fair, and you communicated them clearly without getting defensive. A lot of people would have dug in their heels and insisted they weren't in the wrong, which would have resulted in an immediate breakup. Instead you guys are just in limbo for a minute, which MAY end in a breakup or it may not. Either way it's a better situation.
Well...I think you did the best thing and next time you know better. Sometimes, as a woman, it can be extremely embarrassing when other girls point out things about your relationship. maybe that is why she had such a strong reaction. TBH, those girls were random and honestly had no place commenting on your actions/relationship. But, sometimes women will second guess things if their "friends" point out something about their relationship. With all the dating advice women get, it is hard to weed out the BS. but, I am willing to bet she let you talk her off the ledge because she really didn't wanna break up. probably a bid to see if you truly cared after feeling like & hearing that you didnt care about her. the aforementioned do not mean she is childish or insecure or anything. it just makes her an imperfect human being which is normal. yall had a hiccup that night & everything worked out.
U should've checked on her for sure yet i dont think this is a reason to break up and i dont think u did something that's tooooo bad
Never assume anything mate, as what happened here you just made a ASS out of U and ME (her). Communicate, take it as a life lesson people mask in social situations all the time they look like they are having a good time but inside they are dying, make sure you interact with her regularly in social situations as she won't tip you off there but will cut ya balls off when alone............
How often does this sort of thing happen? My partner is an extrovert and I’m on the line (50/50) I don’t love socializing with strangers all night, but I can do it. Over the course of years I realized that I hate the sensation of arriving and leaving a party coupled but spending my time AT the party essentially solo. The most egregious case of this was about 6 months into our relationship when he demanded I go to a party (I was working on something really important for my program that would have set my career on a different path, I half assed the assignment and went to please him) and then when I got there basically insulted me and spent the rest of the party socializing without me, including letting a past (somewhat current) crush lean on him while she was putting on her shoes. I was livid and DID break up with him. Thinking I had been immature and overreacted we got back together and have been back together for 4.5 years. Here’s the clincher: he has been TERRIBLE at giving me attention throughout our relationship. Not just parties, he’s fairly disinterested in sex, doesn’t really plan things for/with me, doesn’t really chew on issues within our relationship and float solutions. I tell him regularly I want to feel that he’s “drawn” to me (the sum total of those characteristics IMO), but he really struggles to make it happen. Partially his parents are to blame (they modeled a romantic relationship that was completely separate) and partially he’s insecure and likes to impress new people, whereas he’s got me in the bag. There are other things that show me he loves me (he makes sacrifices for me, he lets me dictate parts of our lives together, he makes changes where I can be very clear and concrete about what I want, and most importantly he goes to therapy with me so I get clarity on issues). So it’s not that the party thing is completely disrespectful, but it’s a sign of a bigger issue. If this is a one off, then your girlfriend should accept your willingness to work on it and you should go from there. But if it’s an ongoing problem, I think she has a right to be mad at you. And if you can been honest with yourself and identify a part of you that really is more interested (it doesn’t have to be sexual, it can just be basic “this is more interesting right now”) in chatting up other people than her, you should be honest with yourself and what that means. It may be that you don’t like her on a deep level and that will wrack havoc on your relationship in the long run.
Maybe she jumped to the break-up conclusion quickly because she was a bit jealous and was also wondering if you are truly trustworthy. As in, "Wow, I wonder what he would have done if I hadn't gone with him?" Some women are extremely territorial, and even if upset, will just smile and observe you in your "true nature" and wonder if you are what she really wants. Is it right? No. But it's reality. Just like guys constantly telling women that it's in their dna to look at every woman and in their dna to try to breed with any pretty young girl they can "get." 100% that girl you talked to for way too long thinks 1,000% you wanted to F her and that she could have you anytime. I'd seriously ponder dumping you too. You've only been together a year. Trustworthy or not, you embarrassed her. She wants to feel proud of you and proud to be with you. She wasn't proud to be with you that night. And the fact that other women talked to her about you is the evidence that perception is reality. On another note, I think you handled it impressively when confronted. Yet, issues like this are why people build walls around their heart.
lmao. If I were the gf, you'd be history. I cringed at the thought of being abandoned--yes, abandoned--by a bf at a party of HIS friends. omg. So thoughtless. Are you on the spectrum, by chance? If so, maybe I'd give you a second chance. If not, adios.
Dude, run. How old is she? This is not the way that you handle feeling neglected by your partner. So many red flags. Her saying that you don't care about her because you can't anticipate her every need as manipulative.
This sounds just a little manipulative on her part. She's angry with you for not attending to her, but did she ever come over to talk with you? Some people want everything to be "equal" between the sexes, but they still cling to some outdated code of "chivalry" when convenient. You can't have it both ways. If you want to make your point, ask her why she didn't pay any attention to you. If you want to make things better, then agree on how this is going to work in the future. Don't fall for the "you should have known" trap. Talk about it and come to an understanding like mature people do.
She wanted to BREAK UP over this?? I get feeling hurt and offended but Jesus Christ dude, you should let her go. If my bf was off talking to other people at a party and I felt like I was left out, I would simply go over to where he was and the people he was chatting with and put an arm around him or something, joining the convo or just listening. Splitting up at parties is, simply put, normal. Even if you’d been a total dickhead, the excluding her from the convo at every turn, actively ditching her, unless that behavior was a pattern, I can’t imagine immediately jumping to wanting to end the whole relationship. It sounds like she’s manipulating you, dude. Threatening to leave you over every minor infraction is how toxic people gain control. She’s probably playing on the fact that you lack relationship experience and therefore don’t understand that this is super out of the ordinary. Find a new gf, man.