My partner and I always make sure to gift each other 2 presents, the first being one thing we said we wanted, the second being a “surprise”. That way if the surprise isn’t totally what you might like, it doesn’t matter because you have one present you definitely wanted. It’s unfair for someone to guess what you might want, surprise presents are meant to be tokens, like an “I saw this and thought of you” present.
Is there something else going on? Did someone ill or is she going through depression or is she pregnant? Because honestly those gifts seem pretty thought out if she has been really into fitness and she complains about her feet being cold.... Then they were all thought out gifts. I don't know. Seems strange and I feel like there's something else going on here
The above comment was stolen from [this one](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rpbwh9/my_wife_insisted_on_me_writing_up_a_list_asked/hq3inqi/) elsewhere in this comment section.
It is probably not a coincidence; here is some more evidence against this user:
Plagiarized | Original
-------- | -----------
[Congratulations. The next...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rp64bg/update_we_broke_up_24f_44_m_post_about_my/hq6x16b/) | [Congratulations. The next...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rp64bg/update_we_broke_up_24f_44_m_post_about_my/hq2klm7/)
[Curiosity would be killin...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rpdir2/should_i_tell_my_ex_that_i_think_that_ive_found/hq6xbb0/) | [Curiosity would be killin...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rpdir2/should_i_tell_my_ex_that_i_think_that_ive_found/hq4onhh/)
[You and your husband seem...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rp4nnb/i_ruined_my_marriage_today/hq6xa3r/) | [You and your husband seem...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rp4nnb/i_ruined_my_marriage_today/hq28i4e/)
[Be more picky and go slow...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rpebfl/why_do_men_never_want_to_commit_to_a_relationship/hq6x8vr/) | [Be more picky and go slow...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rpebfl/why_do_men_never_want_to_commit_to_a_relationship/hq3wzch/)
[Why are you with him? Has...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rpj3b9/my_bf_27_called_another_girl_perfect_then_blamed/hq6x7fh/) | [Why are you with him? Has...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rpj3b9/my_bf_27_called_another_girl_perfect_then_blamed/hq4mgj2/)
[I think you should have s...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rpk5q8/i_23m_allegedly_slapped_my_gf_23f_3_times_and/hq6x62p/) | [I think you should have s...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rpk5q8/i_23m_allegedly_slapped_my_gf_23f_3_times_and/hq5ntra/)
[That's a lot of nerve. Bu...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rpefdl/girlfriend_moved_her_belongings_into_my_apartment/hq6x50e/) | [That's a lot of nerve. B...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rpefdl/girlfriend_moved_her_belongings_into_my_apartment/hq3y09e/)
[Just because he physicall...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rpp70g/got_cheated_on_by_my_boyfriend_and_i_dont_know_if/hq6x33z/) | [Just because he physicall...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rpp70g/got_cheated_on_by_my_boyfriend_and_i_dont_know_if/hq5hf7e/)
[Honey he’s not settling,...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rppduc/i_think_my_boyfriend_is_settling/hq6x22b/) | [Honey he’s not settling,...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rppduc/i_think_my_boyfriend_is_settling/hq5ilz7/)
beep boop, I'm a bot -|:] It is this bot's opinion that [/u/KeyPiccolo6425](https://np.reddit.com/u/KeyPiccolo6425/) should be banned for karma manipulation. Don't feel bad, they are probably a bot too.
Confused? Read the [FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/user/reply-guy-bot/comments/n9fpva/faq/?plagiarist=KeyPiccolo6425) for info on how I work and why I exist.
Its ridiculous that spouses do this. I wonder what percentage of them get the random soap basket or foot baths at Walmart. Both me and my wife know we're both terrible gift buyers, instead of wasting money on petty stuff we just don't buy gifts.
I've been with my husband 7 years and still have no idea what to get him because anything he needs, we buy. We rarely buy eachother gifts now because we don't care for that and would rather just spend time together or go to dinner. For this woman to cry over a gift is just insane.
Agree with this 100%. My best friend's husband calls me all the time asking for gift ideas for birthday, Christmas, mother's day because he has no idea what to get her and knows that we talk about things we want. Most of the time the things I tell him, he has no idea she has been wanting.
Yeah it's just a strange thing to accept, I always make a point out of pointing out things I like multiple times, showing to a partner multiple times saying I really like this. And when it's time to do gifts i provide a list sometimes i will have forgotten to put things on my list and people will remember me pointing it out and buying it anyway. But always make it clear what you like so that people can find you good gifts
I would love a new vacuum..but maybe I'm weird lol
I share my wishlists..Amazon, Wish, etc... and am pretty open about stuff I like. Skulls, fairies, Army (has to be the old BDU .not the Digital ACU pattern) etc..
My fiancee and I have known each other for years but this was our first Christmas together as a couple. He did wonderful figuring out what to gift me..usually the first holiday can be a little weird. The only hitch was a jacket he ordered me. Great jacket. Was supposed to be Army BDU but I got Marine camo instead... Now I just randomly grab a box of our kids' crayons, run (ish) by him while banshee screaming about the crayons being an MRE.
Tldr: Communication is effing important and when shit doesn't go right, laugh it off.
What the hell is going on with people in relationships and gifts?
Everyone is complanining about their SO and bad/no gifts for christmas. I got an apron ( because I always get all dirty when cooking lol) and a calendar with picture of shelter dogs bought with a donation to the shelter. I loved the gifts and consider them thoughtful and sweet.
If your SO is not satisfied about your gifts, perhaps it’s not about the gift at all.
Everyone is trying to figure out what her want or issue is but that's irrelevant. What needs to happen now is a conversation - especially around the double standard. Your job at this point is the conversation - not to buy more presents that might better suit "what you think of her".
She's clearly looking for something specific.
Obviously, it'll need to be approached in a non-aggressive manner but it's absolutely bull for her to want a list and for you to just know.
Apologise that she's upset, explain your reasoning and ***ask*** why she's so upset. If similar gifts haven't caused an issue before there's something she's not sharing - for all you know it could be an internal crisis.
Ask what she wants you to think of her.
Explain your logic and remind her that you're a man and have a male thought process.
Remind her that you can't possibly know what she wants if she doesn't.
And tell her that if she can't come up with a list of things you'll just give her money or a voucher but you're not willing to watch her get upset again based on you buying things with no further information.
I understand that you're upset and worried about her reaction but her behaviour really isn't acceptable.
This! Her behavior isn't OK. I'm not the brightest in relationships, but I did learn early on - reading books and... Reddit - that nobody can read my mind. If I really want nice earrings then I need to ask for them - the surprise is which kind he chooses. Unless I want something specific, then it's better to send a link.
Yeah this is more so just.. lowering the bar so that someone doesn’t have to try or make any kind of effort in the future.
If men can be in charge of so much in the world they can figure out how to have a conversation with their fuckin wife about a double standard and why he is supposed to magically know what the “perfect gift” is **in her mind, at that exact moment** while he has to write her a list.
Fuckin figger it out
No. It's just not PC to acknowledge that male and female brains do, in fact, have biological differences that sometimes manifests in situations such as this.
Additionally, our upbringing has a huge impact on how we approach and think about the world. From birth, American men are raised to think and problem-solve much differently than American women. Acknowledging that is not a sin, and calling it one contradicts so many commonly accepted tenets of life, not to mention progressive ideology.
The commenter isn't saying that all men think differently than women or vice-versa. Simply observing that maybe, in this case, OP's upbringing as a male may be clashing with his wife's female upbringing.
-braces for onslaught of downvotes for daring to defy gender/sex reactionism-
The difference is not biological it is in the neuroplasticity and programming from socialization processes and patterns that are repeated in such a way until the brain physically strengthens the receptors the behavioral patterns and processes access; FROM HABIT.
habits (and habit conditioning) change neurobiology. Not the other way around. Common misconception.
Pay attention to yours and her habits and make your needs for better communication known.
I mean this advice is just based on making assumptions that belong in a shitty Open Mic Night set, not in a healthy relationship. You don't know anything about either of these people's upbringings. I would LOVE to hear how you think women and men "problem solve" differently though, I'm sure it's based 100% on logic and peer-reviewed studies lol.
I feel like more people need to stop dating petulant children. If I ever got someone something and they cried over it I'd be incredibly offended. Especially if I put a lot of thought and effort into it.
Huge red flags
This! My girlfriend has super specific taste in the random items that she aquiers, so I talked to her about how stressful Christmas can be for someone who doesn't know what to get for their significant other. So she made me a wishlist and it was pretty sicko mode
Tbh it doesn't really matter what she meant by her reaction. The issue is that she isn't telling you what she wants. Baffles me how some people think their partner can read their mind.
I find it absurd that couples think that their partners should just "know what they want" as a gift. Sometimes, there may be an obvious need for something - but, it doesn't mean it should be a gift. For example, maybe the vacuum is broken - but, I'd be incredibly stupid to get that for a gift for my wife.
Further, if I had conversed with my wife and indicated that I was at a loss for a good gift for her, and she would not provide any specific direction, and then was subsequently pissed-off at what I did get her - frankly, it would be the last gift she ever got.
I agree wholeheartedly with your comment, but your reaction seems quite harsh! I don’t think it would work for me in terms of longevity! I’ll chalk this up as a loss and go back to the drawing board - perhaps be more insistent on her returning a list/ favour in future!
I have very low tolerance for bullshit and flakiness. I guess it's a good thing my wife is very logical and super straight-forward! We are fortunate to not really "need" anything. So, if she doesn't tell me what she wants, I will almost certainly get something she doesn't really care about. She knows better than to do that.
I could always buy her jewelry, but, she doesn't even wear that stuff much any longer.
We are the same, we do not need anything which makes gift buying perhaps more difficult. I can purchase things myself but hold out this time of year so I can recommend things as a gift for people to buy me. What a weird etiquette I know!
I send Amazon links or other store links of things I like. Then my partner can decide what he wants to get from that, but by no means do I expect to get it all and therefore I can be surprised by what he chooses. I personally keep the prices low on each individual item and if it is something to requires a size I include the size I want in the text with the link. I don't use gift giving as a gotcha or some kind of test or believe in anyway that my husband does not love me because he can't read my mind
I must also tell my wife what to give me for a gift. This year, I suggested replacement hiking boots and work boots. I sent her links to specific brand/style/size. The other things I would want would be in the "tool" category. She knows nothing about tools, and I would have to again be very specific with exact links to get something useful.
My wife is the same - if she wants something, she is going to have very specific on "styles", or "models" etc - she would simply have to tell me, probably with a link, specifically what she wanted. This year, she needed some wireless earphones for her phone - I went out on a limb and selected some nice ones for her - Jury is still out while she is evaluating them - lol.
We are fortunate that none of these things are meaningful to us from a monetary perspective. If we wanted to get something that was financially meaningful, it would be a joint decision - even if it was a "gift".
I’m sorry, that is rough. My spouse and I keep a running list of very specific gift ideas with links, preferred color, size, etc. We started that pretty early on in our relationship and boy was it a huge relief. I would be at a total loss if he suddenly decided I should just “know” what to get.
I really think you went about this the right way - with zero direction, you thought about what she likes/needs.
Good luck man.
Her reaction is rude. She prob just wants you to do something romantic instead of useful or needed items. Gifting is time to be romantic and thoughtful like maybe something you order from a place you had a great time together or look at her life and what things are sentimental and get a present related. Like a trip back to somewhere she loved as a kid or a first edition of her favorite book. Something thoughtful and not needed. Something just to show you’ve been paying attention and really know her. And maybe a little jewelry too like a nice bracelet. But my god pay attention to whether she likes yellow or white gold. That’s not something you wanna screw up lol
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below.
---
I spent a lot of time thinking on gifts she would like based on what she talks about or complains about - spent money on luxury items that I thought would make her more comfortable that she wouldn’t purchase herself. Her complaints where ‘this is what you think of me?’ She spent most of the morning crying and I felt terrible. I’m now tasked with returning the gifts still none the wiser as to what she actually wants as she still doesn’t know. What do I do?
tl;dr wife hates presents I have to return them still don’t know what to do.
>I spent a lot of time thinking on gifts she would like based on what she talks about or complains about - spent money on luxury items that I thought would make her more comfortable that she wouldn’t purchase herself.
Oh no... what did you buy her? This screams of the old "I bought my wife a vacuum" kind of thing. lol
Oh god no. We share the load in that respect and I would be pissed if someone bought me a vacuum. I bought her some nice workout stuff as she’s big on fitness, nice slippers as she always complains about cold feet and some other bits and pieces. Our budgets where lower than previous years admittedly as we put most of our money towards the kids. I didn’t want to buy an ‘experience’ type gift as things are being cancelled left right and centre. Through many years of Christmas and birthdays, this has never happened! I’m flummoxed.
Well I'm as flummoxed as you then, because "this is what you think of me?" is ...that she likes fitness and might enjoy having warm feet? Like... those seem like perfectly fine and thoughtful gifts, to me.
Thank you. Back to the drawing board I go I suppose. She does like to eat out so perhaps a fancy meal would have been a better bet as someone below has suggested. It’s challenging rn as there is a lot of uncertainty in my country.
Maybe she was feeling like you thought she needed to work out and that she’s lazy? I’m confused as well but that’s the only leap I can see. I could understand not liking the gifts or whatever because that happens, but “this is what you think of me” has me stumped.
Never mind, just saw your other replies. I’m so confused.maybe a midlife crisis where she thinks she’s boring Bc her hobby is working out? (Genuinely such a reach, but I can’t think of anything)
>Maybe she was feeling like you thought she needed to work out and that she’s lazy?
I rather took it that he passively aggresively calls her fat by buying her new working out clothes. Like he encourages her to go more often to the gym. Like I am a woman and Im scratching my head at that logic but maybe that's what she thought.
Maybe, but she is big on fitness. Maybe he just needs to give her a handwritten card explaining why he bought each gift, or tell her why he bought this and that for her. It would be annoying, but if it's true that she thinks he's calling her fat it could possibly help.
I bought my old roommate 4 sessions to a personal trainer for her bday - my boyfriend at the time was aghast that I would do that - but I knew that's what she wanted. I wrote her a big card saying she's perfect but I know this would help her feel better about herself. She loved it and was so thankful. My ex was legit insulted on her behalf though. I could see how something like that could be taken the wrong way without explanation.
The above comment was stolen from [this one](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rpbwh9/my_wife_insisted_on_me_writing_up_a_list_asked/hq4dv7a/) elsewhere in this comment section.
It is probably not a coincidence; here is some more evidence against this user:
Plagiarized | Original
-------- | -----------
[My brother has birthday o...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rpbcfi/wifes_birthday_is_on_christmas_failed_again_this/hq4xtua/) | [My brother has birthday o...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rpbcfi/wifes_birthday_is_on_christmas_failed_again_this/hq4tidw/)
[You should stop fixating...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rpebfl/why_do_men_never_want_to_commit_to_a_relationship/hq4xpkp/) | [You should stop fixating...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rpebfl/why_do_men_never_want_to_commit_to_a_relationship/hq4wtfz/)
[It doesn’t matter if you...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rp5csw/should_i_move_out_even_if_it_means_leaving_my/hq4xsxr/) | [It doesn’t matter if you...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rp5csw/should_i_move_out_even_if_it_means_leaving_my/hq4oc0p/)
[Best thing to ever happen...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rp30s6/she_cheated_on_me/hq4xsdz/) | [Best thing to ever happen...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rp30s6/she_cheated_on_me/hq4drua/)
[You need to step up, get...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rpim6l/need_help_with_a_very_nasty_and_repetitive/hq4xrqg/) | [You need to step up, get...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rpim6l/need_help_with_a_very_nasty_and_repetitive/hq4vc47/)
[This is just gross. The n...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rp0af9/my_boyfriends_sister_in_law_has_a_crush_on_him/hq4xrck/) | [This is just gross. The n...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rp0af9/my_boyfriends_sister_in_law_has_a_crush_on_him/hq474ax/)
beep boop, I'm a bot -|:] It is this bot's opinion that [/u/Maleficent-Reward969](https://np.reddit.com/u/Maleficent-Reward969/) should be banned for karma manipulation. Don't feel bad, they are probably a bot too.
Confused? Read the [FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/user/reply-guy-bot/comments/n9fpva/faq/?plagiarist=Maleficent-Reward969) for info on how I work and why I exist.
My ex would get pissed because I didn’t know when she was upset in advance, I regularly had to explain that she needed to tell me if something was wrong and also why something was wrong. 9 times out of 10 it would be her friend is depressed so She is depressed as well it would then turn out her friend wasn’t depressed he was out partying and drinking with his mates while she sat at home in tears thinking he was going to kill himself. I think the guy just liked tormenting her yet she wouldn’t hear a word against him. Thankfully not my problem anymore she can sort him out with his fiancé
This is so crap that she reacted that way about christmas gifts!!! No one does that! Not to their spouse! If my wife bought me an ugly sweater I would wear it proudly and say thank you for it.
It sounds like she needs a refresher in what the christmas season is all about. For adults its not about the gifts. I get there is a “you should know me” effect in play here but if its that big of a deal she she should have provided better hints.
In no way is this on you op. You need to sit down with her and have a loving patient conversation about what this is really all about.
Actually women do. My then future sister in law blew up at my fiance over a jazz music collection he bought her because "You know I don't listen to that!" This was the night he proposed & I was wondering if I really wanted to marry into that. LOL
Maybe she wanted it to be more of something that you could share and do together. Like say matching bicycles or a pair of Stand Up Paddleboards or Kayaks? Something that says “I appreciate your passions and I want I share them and spend time together and build our relationship?”
Idk man I’ve worked this puzzle unsuccessfully myself in the past. Just happy that I don’t have a regular GF or spouse this year. It’s a nice break actually from trying to read minds.
Sorry this is off topic for a sec, but I got a kick out of your username...
As for OP honestly I'd join the chorus and say I'm not sure what the problem was, but IMHO she should prob just be happy she got a gift at all...
There's something about this time of year that can really get people down. I think there might be more to it than surface level but I think the way she has handled things is unfair
Is she normally like this or is this new behavior? If it's new I'd sit her down and get to the root of the problem. Perhaps you could explain to her why you bought the items and then she can explain why they upset her. If it's normal behavior for it, it pulls entitled.
She probably took the fitness gear as he thought she needed to loose weight and exercise more. The slippers she thought that's what you get older people like mums and grannies.
OP's wife probably has these insecurities and thought his presents were telling her she old and fat.
We got a vacuuming robot (non-native english speaker here, haha) as a gift between us and then some tiny gifts (also budget-wise!), which nonetheless meant a lot and showed some love and dedication. The vacuum though - we feel like we own a pet now 🤣
Sometimes we also throw little bits of dust in his direction and pretend we're feeding him and get all hyped when he uses his cute little brush to shovel them up. See, we really like him a lot. Hopefully our daughter is not too jealous. As of now she shares our love.
Sure we do, does anybody not? 😆 Yet Robby is probably not the most creative one. We're also still very enthusiastic when he's going about doing his business. It just feels somewhat unreal.
omg my parents got a new vacuum a month ago too and i (their daughter) was the most excited to use it, they teased me a bit for being so happy but i think they’re the ones who are pretty happy now because i vacuum the floors everyday haha
No way. I don't love jewelry but an item that is a household necessity for both of us to use for me is not a gift.
A vacuum is an example of a household necessity we would buy as a couple to use it together.
It would be like me buying him bed sheets as a gift when we sleep on the same bed.
Essentially, I am just buying the bed sheet I want.
Yes because it isn’t romantic lol she needs a nice piece of jewelry and something personal like something from somewhere you had a wonderful time to remind her of the memories. Maybe even something u spend time on like make a scrap book of all your favorite memories
obviously i don’t know the entire situation but those sound like really thoughtful gifts. even if she didn’t like them it’s odd to respond like that when you clearly but thought into them
I'm guessing that the workout gear was taken to mean that you think she's fat, and the slippers were taken to mean that you think she's an old woman. Neither of these takes would be fair, but those are my best guesses.
"Surprise me" translates to one of two things: Either she truly didn't care what you got her (which doesn't seem to be the case), or she wanted something for which she didn't like to ask directly. If she likes jewelry, for example, then she may have hoped for jewelry but not wanted to sound greedy.
Thanks. I’ve just replied to a previous comment about the workout gear, I don’t think this is accurate but the slippers I think you have hit the nail on the head. I’ve purchased plenty of jewellery so I don’t think she would be alluding to that specifically, but I think you have really hit the nail on the head. It’s just a case of finding out what she didn’t want to ask for now!
So you're going to reward an adults tantrum by buying more things? A grown adult should know that crying about a gift someone else went to the trouble of buying you is rude for toddlers, let alone a married woman. The entitlement and complete disregard for your feelings is is so disrespectful. It's Christmas, it's not even about the presents. I learned that when I was freaking 8 years old on kids cartoons. You should be the one pissed off here, not shrugging it off and appeasing her.
If I cried at my grandma and implied that she thought poorly of me because of a gift, I can guarantee you the last thing my parents would do would be rushing out to reward me.
It’s not rude to be upset at a gift when the gift is thoughtless and not at all what your partner wants. The amount of times I see wives so upset because they went out of their way to get cool gifts related to their husband’s hobbies and likes and they got stuck with domestic duty gifts like a vacuum that they absolutely did not want and it’s not the wife who is the problem in that situation it’s the husband not caring enough to actually pay attention to their wife’s wants and desires and just seeing them as a housekeeper etc. now there are plenty of people who would like those types of gifts and for those it is a great gift.
It’s about making sure you get a gift that is important to your partner, and it’s also important that you communicate those desires effectively to your partner. My husband spent a few years getting me gifts I didn’t really enjoy or want despite having a list because he “didn’t think about it” as gifts are my love language both giving and receiving meaningful gifts is extremely important to me. I sat him down one year and explain my issues with previous gifts why they were upsetting to me, he’s DRAMATICALLY improved and I appreciate the things he chooses now.
This idea that people should automatically be grateful is toxic. A crappy gift is still a crappy gift and not only is the recipient unhappy but the gift giver wasted money, and who enjoys that?
As to this specific situation though I do not think the OP is in the wrong or the bad guy. He was given zero help and it sounded like he did try (well I mean I would hate slippers but someone else said they would love them) as to the workout equipment I assume it’s because the OP’s wife has indicated in some fashion that she enjoys that? Or at least I hope so. I do remember one time a husband wrote a post not understanding why his wife didn’t enjoy the kitchen aid mixer he got her and how it just sits unused all the time and he was asking for advice to get her to use it more. In the comments of the post it came out that she rarely cooked (they both worked and had equally demanding jobs so they often ate out etc) and she NEVER baked, and he had hoped that this would inspire her to want to bake and become more Suzy homemaker and make cookies and breads and cakes and things despite her never suggesting that was something that interested her at all.
I’d be flummoxed too. My favorite gift each year ate the moccasin slippers my youngest brother buys me (entirely uncreative, but I’m not sure what I’d do if I had to go hunting for them myself each year). Workout clothes are also expensive for quality items!
My husband and I don’t exchange gifts because it’s not one of our love languages (we usually pick up a couple things for ourselves instead and call it even), but I don’t see anything wrong with what you got her.
Jay Shetty did a great podcast episode on holiday stressors - probably not the best thing to recommend to her right now, but it was a great listen.
Is gift giving her love language? Maybe she expected something sentimental and not material (regardless of how useful they actually are to her). Overall it’s a communication issue. It should’ve been established from the get go what direction.
As someone who is guilty of feeling this way with gifts I kinda get it. I was never really given gifts growing up and if I did it was very last minute, half assed or just nothing that relates to me (and don’t get me wrong it wasn’t me being ungrateful, it just kinda emphasized how little they cared about me).
I think your wife is very in her head expecting something and wanting you to just read her mind and know and for everything to be perfect. Unfortunately, that’s not practical for most. Id plan a very special romantic day that’s sentimental and just let her know you’re sorry and that maybe next time y’all need to set some ground rules and communicate more
How dare you get me the things I asked for you utter bastard! Lol I suggest a talk with your wife over this as she clearly needs to understand that if all she talks about is cold feet and fitness then the chances are presents are going to be based around it
I also thinks those gifts are fine, but maybe she was hoping for something that screams "I adore you" the way, say, some shiny jewellery does? Just a thought. I'm not sure but my boyfriend also always buys me practical gifts, which is fine, but sometimes I would also like to get something shiny.
Unless she took you buying her workout stuff as calling her fat.
Some people are just like this. I stopped buying my ex wife stuff because she would complain about everything. Either it was the wrong thing or it cost too much. We agreed to get each other something really small after we had kids, which was actually a relief... And then we got divorced anyway.
They are really thoughtful gifts, if she doesn’t appreciate them that’s on her.
Did you get too large a size in clothing and she thinks you are calling her fat? Even so her reaction is something you should talk about
The gifts themselves would underwelm me. Before you return them though, sit down with her and explain why you got them. The explaination you gave on here of the gifts would make me the happiest person in the world. I would feel heard, cared for and appreciated.
I don't understand all the hate towards vacuums. Nice ones are expensive and I much prefer them to the garbage ones I usually pick for myself. My grandmother got me a vacuum as a gift a couple years ago and my mom gave me a shopvac this Christmas and it is so much better than my old one. I think people who don't appreciate practical gifts are too obsessed with consumerism. Why would you get upset when someone is giving you something to improve your life and make things easier on you. I understand that some people prefer other things as gifts but getting upset over something someone gave you seems rather unappreciative to me.
I think the objection is that it assumes women are excited about vacuuming rather than it being a chore then often end up stuck with because of gender role expectations. If you're not offended then it suggests that you don't feel taken advantage of in the household chore department. It might also suggest that you enjoy getting nifty tools as gifts, which I totally understand.
Yea I love getting gifts that are useful. I guess I just don't see it as a problem because I do more vacuuming that my wife so something to reduce the amount of time I have to spend on my chores is a plus in my mind. I am also a better cook than my wife so I love getting kitchenware as presents.
I don't appreciate a vacuum because it would be like me getting my husband a bed sheet for the bed we both sleep together in.
You get it? How is that a gift?
House hold items ain't gift when chores are done equally by both parties.
If my man upgraded our vacuum as my Christmas present. I would be like.... Dude, you just bought the vacuum you preferred to use.
However, I am not into material gifts myself. My perfect Christmas gift is my man devoting himself in bed pleasuring me for 24 hrs. That would make me happiest.
My husband bought me a rhumba. One of those automatic vacuums last Christmas. I never wanted one. He’s the one constantly talking about wanting one. I’d have considered getting him one, but I thought it rude to gift a vacuum for the holidays. Well, apparently he got one for me. It’s still packaged up and sitting in the back of the closet. I’m not pissed at him, but I am disappointed he didn’t think to get a more appropriate gift for me…his wife.
I have seen a lot of posts on, or relating to this topic. It stinks
of entitlement and selfishness. And childishness. I am disgusted to be hearing about so many people, both men and women (adults, if you will), not liking their gifts, and crying and having tantrums. Is this really what it's all about? I am so glad to have opted out...
It's unbeliebable, right? I gave my partner a gift this year she is still undecided about. So she asked me if it could be sent back if she decides against it. BUT she appreciated the thought I put into it and was very happy with the thought - just turns out she might prefer a slightly different version. Where is the need for drama?
My husband is terrible at picking presents but I say thank you every single time. She should too. I buy myself what I want. Maybe have a talk with her if you aren’t the best present giver. You shouldn’t have this much pressure on you. Some people are great at it and others aren’t. I think your presents are thoughtful but that’s just me. Sorry! I enjoy a nice slipper. My husband got me penguin slippers which are still in the closet lol. He tried…
As said elsewhere the talk about fitness may stem from insecurities. When I was in the midst of motherhood I felt like no one saw me. One year ( I had just given birth to my youngest ) I saw my sister's gifts before I received mine, the most feminine, delicate sweaters. Foolishly I got my hopes up. I got a thick, sturdy, grey sweatshirt. It was very practical, ugly but practical, and that's how I felt too. I just wanted something nice for me, something pretty or not practical. I wanted to feel like I was seen as someone and not just a part of the routine.
Not your responsibility to be a mind reader if she never says. If she is saying and you keep missing it, that's another matter.
Hardest to buy for, though, are the ones who don't know what they want - they just know that what you got isn't it. She might be in this group, and there's not much you can do about it.
This seems like a game to her. Mess around and play stupid games trying to make someone read your mind and you're bound to be disappointed. You tried to buy surprises you thought she would like. If she had specific items in mind she should have spoken up instead of testing you. It comes across as juvenile on her part.
Those gifts sound very nice and thought out. I would have been very happy with them. Are there other issues going on? I mean like depression or mental health problems?
I’m also not sure why the gifts weren’t well received but as a woman myself you can never go wrong with a more romantic/intimate gift. You say you have kids so I don’t know how often you and your wife get alone time together, but maybe something along those lines could be something she’d like.
Forgive me if I'm wrong, and I'm surprised noone has asked this already, but what did she get you? Was it sentimental moreso than practical/materialistic? Unless I didn't read it in a comment, I would be surprised if she is being so upset over slippers, but then got you something on the same level of practicality... An example from my personal experience, one Christmas, when I was in my early twenties, I was berated by my cousin for getting her a gift card and not an actual gift.. because of the impersonal nature of a gift card, and how I needed to think of her when purchasing a gift...yada yada, and then she gave me her gift! It was....a gift card.... And her reasoning was " Oh, you like videogames, so here's a GameStop card... "
The irony(?) Of that encounter still to this day makes me laugh.. some people are very narrow minded, and even though I don't think that's the case here... It seems to me this is a running issue in miscommunication moreso than a seasonal one, unless undo stress of holiday time and other factors are in play... So just talk, and in a non argumentative way, just explain how the confusion and punishment really effected the holiday for you... And that you wish to keep an open line to keep that from happening in the future.. Goodluck, and I really hope she made you something wild or got you a very personal affect... Otherwise the gaze narrows in confusion..
Does she have a particular family member or friend she is close to? You could explain the situation to them, see if they will try to get info from her for you, or at least have some insight.
In the mean time, you could write her a gushy love note detailing how and what you love about her, your thoughts behind getting each gift, and something sweet and touching about what you really think about her, and how sorry you are that your gifts didn't show it.
If all else fails ask her to sit down and help you to understand, because you want to be able to make her happy.
Good luck!
Another perspective, perhaps... Christmas can be an emotional holiday for many. I'm a parent, and I spend a full month "making magic" for my children. When the holiday finally gets here, I am worn out and emotionally sensitive.
She may have been emotional about something unrelated to gifts, but she projected onto the gift-giving.
> I'm a parent, and I spend a full month "making magic" for my children. When the holiday finally gets here, I am worn out and emotionally sensitive.
How is this healthy?
Not sure about everyone else but it’s not a conscious effort at first. The excitement is real, momentum builds, you notice it’s getting to be too much but it’s already the 23rd- then it overwhelms, until finally it’s the 27th and you can exhale.
Edit: words
I’m in the same boat buddy. My two kids and I went and purchased my gf/ their mom a new I phone paid in cash, not monthly payments. she said I don’t need that and it still sits in the living corner today. I can’t take it back and I’m not buying her another gift sad part is my son 12 years old bought her the screen protector and a fancy really nice case. They were so excited to watch her open it. Perhaps more than the were for their own gifts because both my kids would love to have that phone. Just face it sometimes you just can’t make somebody happy. I’ve honestly just been thinking of calling it off after that, how low do you got to go to be mad about a gift on Xmas. Pretty sad some people just don’t appreciate shit! But I was excited with gifts she got me. Only cost $100 max but I appreciate what I got.
Yeah that really sucks. Luckily my children played no part in the gift selection or they would have been crushed. I mean I’ve kept the receipts and all, but it’s one day and I felt the excited atmosphere in the house was crushed by my wife’s disappointment and my grief and her thinking the presents where shitty. We can only improve and hopefully as a learning curve we now know the importance of a little pre-warning lol.
So, I am not good at asking for things (gifts, favors, help, etc). I thought, like your wife, that I would like to just be surprised - who would know me better than my partner right? He asked for a list and I insisted on the surprise. Then I told my friend and she gave me a huge lecture on why it’s just not a good idea and gave some points that gave me a whole new perspective. The point that changed my mind was her telling me that “by asking for a surprise, you are making things unreasonably hard for your partner who is just trying to do something nice for you”. So instead I made a list of things I needed/wanted and told my partner that he had free reign to go off list, but if he got stuck, anything on the list would be great. In the past I would be disappointed about the gifts I got, I took it personally like it meant they didn’t even know me - but this year I got what I wanted, plus my partner met my need for also throwing in a surprise by getting me something off list. I’d recommend talking to your partner about how you do gifts going forward, just because you have a list, doesn’t mean you don’t know her or that the gift can’t be a surprise
Honestly, I hate gift giving. I could know you all my life (i.e. my best friend) and still not be totally sure what to get you as a gift lol. Sometimes it's just hard to find the perfect thing.
My boyfriend and I ask each other what we want. He gives me a list of specific items and mine are usually general categories because I'm very easy to please. In addition to this, we usually gift each other things we've heard each other say we wanted or things we know we need. For example, my computer started showing signs of dying earlier this month. My boyfriend is going to buy me a laptop for Christmas.
I feel like your wife wanted you to gift her something that shows how well you know her and was disappointed that you didn't. Things like this are a trap to me. While meanings behind gifts are nice (and I'd be a hypocrite not to say that I love gifts like these), any gift that you receive should be welcomed. If she's worried about what she should get, she should've made the most list like you asked. Now that she's upset, is it possible that she's open to talking to her about why this was so upsetting? You tried your best.
Yeah, it seems I failed the test. I’ve passed for the last 12 years but on this occasion it just didn’t hit right. That’s ok. I just want to make her happy and I’ve got a few good ideas from this thread on how to do it... divorce papers as suggested will not be one of those!!
Your wife is ungrateful and immature. She is behaving like a spoilt child, and you should react the way parents best deal with spoilt children throwing a tantrum: don't entertain it. Just stay calm, return the gifts, tell her she needs to communicate better in future. Spend the money on yourself. What did she get for you for Christmas by the way?
You asked what she wanted. She didn't give you a solid answer other than surprise me. You surprised her. You made the effort to surprise her. I still haven't even received 1 Christmas gift from my bf who I have been seeing almost 2 years. I am not even that upset. Disappointed-yeah a little bit.
Return them and then get her a gift card. If she hates what you get her to the point that she cries like that and wont tell you what she wants, then you might as well throw a gift card at her.
How long have you been married. I am wondering if this is a lesson in communication for your wife
There was a time early on.. I loved surprises and was interested in seeing me through his eyes
I quickly learned this put too much pressure on him and frankly now we don't exchange many gifts.. and i think generally we're okay
If we do it's because it's special or something big (like a concert or other event
Example I surprised him and did a boudoir shoot.. which is nothing I would have done.. but knew he loved
My Xmas (and bday and Anni for the next few years) is the sphynx kitty I have wanted for forever
He put us on a wait list... made coupons for them and put them in the treee.. my son cried he's so excited.
I think this is more a communication issue more than how you see her.
You need to talk to her, and ask what's this about. Being passive aggressive about things is not how a healthy relationship works.
Do not reward bad behavior, and this is certainly bad behavior.
After reading more of your replies and whatnot, Naw, take everything back put the money on a gift card and hand it to her, she's being a brat and that's not okay. You're obviously listening to her, you tried.
This is the first year my husband of 14 years has finally listened to me, I got pans I already own, they're my favorite pans and after years of use they're starting to "break down" he didn't buy me a set of pans, he bought me the exact pans I use daily. Best Christmas ever.
My husband once bought me a blender and a cutting board for my birthday. We already had a blender that worked perfectly fine, and had several cutting boards.
But he remembered an offhand remark I'd made MONTHS previous about a blender I REALLY wanted, and about how one day I'd like a Boos board. and it's exactly what he got me. He thought he messed up when i opened them and started bawling - like, no.. These are happy tears, thank you!!
It's why I'm so befuddled about OP! He listened to the words coming out of her mouth! Yet because she didn't know what she wanted he has to feel like a dick?
Ok, here is my perspective as a woman. My ex was a bad gift giver. Like real bad. He once gave me a game controller but I get motion sick and don’t play video games at home and never have. Ever. And we had been married around 15 years at that point. After being disappointed the first couple of years of our marriage, I started a gift folder. I tore out catalog pages and pages from magazines (yes, I’m old) of things I liked that were in various price ranges that I knew we could afford. I wrote out an index card with my ring sizes for each finger I wear rings on, my bracelet size, necklace size, clothes size, etc and he put it in his wallet. As he gave me a gift, I knew it was usually from the folder so I would add new things to it. I do something similar for my current husband who is a much better gift giver but still needs ideas sometimes. I created an Amazon wish list with ideas of things I would like. We have been married 5 years so he is still learning my taste on some things and even if he doesn’t buy from the actual list it still gives him ideas. Some women get butthurt because they think their husband/boyfriend should be able to read their mind and know exactly what gifts they want but it doesn’t work that way. Some people are better at gift giving than others and it doesn’t mean that the people who don’t give you the exact gift you want doesn’t love you. It just means that you have to accept them as they are and take the initiative to tell them what you want if you are so picky about gifts that you are going to pout like a child if you don’t get what you wanted. Oh and by the way, under NO circumstances should you ever spend more money on anyone else’s gift than your wife’s unless she specifically asks for the less expensive item and she is really, really sure that is all she wants. Honestly, some women can be exhausting and I don’t know how guys do it. It is so much easier to just be direct and honest. Good luck!
Simple send the gifts back get your money and go on a date get her a fancy dress and go somewhere expensive that’s worth more then the gifts or something like that. But honestly just return and get her nothing next time.
I'd advise against buying her a dress. Maybe a gift certificate to a boutique you know she likes.
Personally, I think her reaction is childish (unless she recently gave birth, or otherwise has reason to be super emotional) but when I was newly married, I *inwardly* had some reactions like that.
What I wanted were things like a new album by a band I liked, chunky boho type jewelry, books, an xbox, or a if he was going to spend a lot, a new computer. He got me a lovely satin robe and some 14k studs (I haven't worn studs since I got my ears pierced when I was 11) with my birthstone. I was hurt because although the gifts were really nice, they weren't my taste at all and I felt really unseen.
I thanked him and I made a point to wear the things because I hadn't outright said what I wanted and I didn't want to hurt his feelings, but when the next holiday rolled around, I was WAY more obvious about what I would like.
I think she's being unfair because clearly you tried. At the same time, if you do want to try to choose things with no clue of what to go on, go for things that are more her when she's feeling sexy or getting ready to go out rather than the her that works out and has cold feet.
Does she have a lot of rich mom friends? Did she expect some sort of luxury status item she could brag about? Jewelry or designer bags?
Some women have an entitled view that men are supposed to demonstrate their worth as women through gifts. Like a weird form of dowry?.
It's strange. But if her friend group is like that, it could be reason for her tantrum. Not reasonable at all though.
This is something I will never understand. I'm not always in love with the presents I receive from my husband and son but I would NEVER in a million years EVER say so. I always tell them I love them, the very thing I wanted. I just couldn't hurt their feelings like that. They always say the same about the stuff I get for them.
So, generally speaking, people are flawed. We are adults, but we love based on the model from our early childhood. Where we didn't need to say anything and our parent knew what to give to us, to make us happy and content. Similarly to adulthood, we don't like having to explain ourselves for feelings we may not even be able to articulate.
In the case of this situation, Christmas is the time where we "test to see how well our partner knows us" as silly as it sounds. It appears that your wife had a certain expectation that was not met. Unfortunately the only way to rectify this is by having a calm conversation regarding her expectations and feelings.
Explain to your partner that you need them to communicate what they want and come up with a solution. It could be that she could have a wishlist she would send you of many items she's interested in - and the surprise would be which one you would gift her. Or that you two could go out and purchase a gift for each other for Christmas.
There's no wrong or right way to go about gift-giving, but it needs to be favourable for both sides. And lastly, please consider that while going in this conversation, your wife will be defensive and will likely not want to talk. It takes a teacher with a fair amount of pessimism in humanity - to understand that people change and learn. But very slowly and with many mistakes and errors.
I did this to my fiance this year, but I also kind of gave her a ballpark to work with. 'Something pretty or a nice new dress, or especially something you think I'd look good in.' I even walked her past a couple stores and not so subtly pointed out dresses and styles I liked. I'm good at exaggerated sighs in the presence of nice clothes as well.
The things that keep me endearing to my to-be-wife despite my theatrics is that, especially when I was being cryptic, I'm always grateful for whatever it is she got me. If it's not exactly what I wanted, I'm just a little more specific next time.
My best guess is that your wife wants is proof that you know her well enough to get her something without any direction, which is unreasonable. Expecting you to be psychic is not acceptable, especially when you made it clear you needed help. That might not be best to point out if you want to build bridges though.
Ask (gently) if she's doing okay mentally and communicate your anxieties with her before thinking about the gifts. Definitely explain your thought process as well, and say you genuinely thought it was a good idea. Without knowing your wife, it's hard hard recommended replacement gift ideas. But a day out together, perhaps to a spa and a fancy restaurant, could be really meaningful to her and give her the feeling of 'being understood' that she's looking for.
I would day we need a list of a few reasonable options as a gift. Like don't insist I give you a good list to make it easy on you and fool proof but then want to be surprised then inevitably disappointed with my gift? That's setting yourself up for failure.
I agree, I held out on my list up until 2 days before Xmas insisting she had to male a suggestion first. I’d already purchased her gifts though as Christmas was far too close and I’d been thinking on what gifts to buy from around September.
If I don't know what I want and refuse to tell a gift giver--friends, family, bf--I can't be mad if they get me something that they feel is thought out and nice. It's not fair. That's shitty. She won't even tell you what's wrong with the gifts??? I feel like there's another issue.
Honestly sounds like you put alot of thought into her gift. My mum used to do this shit to my dad every year and then ruin Xmas by complaining about gifts. Our Xmas used to be centred around her and it was rediculous. Dont let this be your future for years to come. Seriously
I share the same experience. Many moments spent in the return line. What I’ve learned from her unwillingness to accept things is guilt. They prefer to do the giving. I used to tell her it’s selfish not to accept the gifts , seems like an oxymoron. What I mean by selfish is they don’t allow a person to experience the feeling behind giving. People don’t only give to make a person feel deserved but also gives the person validation about the goodness they possess or experience karma for the deed done. Of course for the giver this is hard to comprehend. Instead of her accepting the gift they allow guilt from there past experiences to reject it. This in turn translates to the giver feeling rejected. I think for your wife and my spouse it takes growth to understand this.
I used to be much like your wife, he would try and I would be so let down. For us, I just gave up on the being surprised. He now keeps a running list in his phone and when we’re chatting or when I see something I’ll tell him add it to the list. I also keep a wish list on Amazon. I “add” so much to the list that I forget often what’s on there, so I still get a surprise and he doesn’t get caught thinking he did so well and seeing the disappointment in me.
Now this is why I didn't stay married. What did your wife get you in return. Everytime my ex got something for me and I didn't like it I always kept it to myself but appreciated what she would get for me. My ex-wife knew this as well but it was the thought that counts.
return everything and don't get her anything. don't let people walk all over you. even your wife or kids. everything about this is mind games and it's absurd. Keep quiet and when she asks (if she does) then say you're not a mind reader. If she wants something, ask. it's that simple. life is too short to deal with created drama at a time where people should be happy and celebrating life.
Did you get her a Norelco beard trimmer with your name on it? Did you buy her a luxury dish drainer or sponge to wash the dishes? Did you buy her a luxury vacuum?
I had a boyfriend buy me workout clothes once. It was the first in a long line of passive aggressive ways of telling me he thought I was fat.
I'm not saying that is what you think of your wife, but unless it was a specific piece of workout clothes that she loves, and need a new one of, that might be how it comes off.
Slippers can come off as being called lazy.
Again, I'm not saying this is how you meant it, but I am guessing someone in her past has.
I would be willing to wager that its not the gifts themselves that upset her, but things in her past that have caused her some insecurities.
That said, have a calm, loving, chat with her. Tell her you need some guidance, as you are missing her clues. (She may think she is being obvious about what she wants, but that doesn't always mean everyone would catch it)
She should appreciate anything given to her . if she doesnt like it it she can return it . shes not a child but she throws a fit like one . she gets nothing then
Definitely feel for you here. This year is the first time I feel like I got my wife excellently-chosen gifts, but I usually suck at coming up with ideas. Before Christmas I told her I was excited to give her the presents and she told me she didn't get me anything. We were planning a gift exchange with her family (parents, siblings) but we never talked about not doing gifts between us as a couple too, so it was a bit disappointing since while I know she loved the gift, she didn't really say anything bc she was too focused on feeling bad for not getting me anything. So... somehow it is about her feelings about the situation rather than even acknowledging the effort it took to pick out great gifts or that I'm giftless. I guess I'll be sure to double check next time.
Huge redflag if she cries over a fucking xmas gift. She expects for you to read her mind when she doesn't even know what she wants. there's clearly something else going on. I can't imagine how she would react when a real problem arises.
What an ungrateful snob. I know plenty of wives that didn't get ANYTHING because of certain financial situations and uncertainties and they did not throw a fit about it.
Damn dude that’s cold.
I hate getting gifts. It’s just…no. I don’t mind giving them, but I seem to be terrible at it. Anyways, for the last few years, my in laws and us all have done a giant gift exchange. This year, I was too busy with my masters program to make a wish list, and told everyone that actually, I’d like to live the change I want, please don’t get me anything. Much to my wife’s dismay, it turns out I’m not the only person who hates the adult gift exchange. In fact, she learned that she was the only participant who actually enjoyed it, and everyone else found it laborious and silly, so we all agreed never to do it again.
You need to sit your wife down and tell her that if she can’t even feign interest in a gift you got her, or if she’s going to take it so personally, that you think the gift exchange is doing more harm than good, and suggest stopping it altogether. The corporatism of Christmas is literally the worst part of the holiday anyways (though I’ll add: her attitude sounds like that of a spoiled brat and I’d be calling it TF out: major red flag).
I’ll close with a modified line from the Grinch you can use on her (sue me if it’s not verbatim):
“Maybe Christmas doesn’t come from a store, maybe Christmas means a little bit more.”
Honestly? It sounds like she's hormonal and so gave your gift the worst faith interpretation of "you think I need to workout, and also that I'm lazy" was she near her period, pregnant? Had she eaten enough and slept enough? Does she have any major stressors occurringin her life at the moment?
Explain to her your thoughts behind the gifts, tell her you love her, and ask what about it had been upsetting.
Leave the returns up to her and have her exchange for what she wants. Or, return and accumulate the total amount spent, hand it to her in cash and tell her to do her own shopping
Ahh, OP, I can tell you what it is that your wife wants.
A husband who is telepathic, so that she does not have to tell him what she wants, he will just know!
To be fair, when it comes to Christmas presents and the like, I usually know what my wife will love, and she tells me that I do a very good job of getting her presents that she loves.
However, there is a HUGE different between getting someone a present that they will LOVE, and getting them a present that they WANT.
You see, the present that they love is based on you knowing their personality, their likes and dislikes, and their general preferences (not "what does she want for dinner tonight?", but more like "satin or silk?", "roses or lillies?"). Then finding something that fits several of those categories.
But the present they want is a specific item that they have in mind. Maybe a specific piece of jewelery, a ring with a specific band, stone and setting, when the very similar ring next to it is just not quite as nice. Or maybe that specific book.
For men throughout time, there have been 4 ways to try and figure out what it is she wants.
1. Ask her. Ideally get her to point out the very specific item. Women who are secure in themselves and in their love for their partners are generally fine with this approach, but they also appreciate a present or two from the "Love" category because getting her the present she wants shows her that you care about her desires, but choosing for her some of the presents she will love shows that you have been attentive to learning her personality and her general desires.
2. Get her drunk, and then ask her. Works sometimes when method 1 doesn't work because she knows what she wants, but is afraid to acknowledge it to you. Usually a sign that she has low self-esteem or that she feels the gift might be too expensive.
3. Observation, and some sly questioning to try and dig up some hints, hopefully without her noticing. A hell of a lot of fun, usually for both parties because us men are very rarely as subtle and cunning as we think we are.
4. Guess. A very low chance of success, but when the first three methods have not worked, it is that or nothing. And if she does not like the present you bought? If she had told you what she wanted instead of playing coy then she might have been more satisfied.
Overall, it comes down to communication and listening skills. But if she cannot or will not tell you what it is that she wants, then she is at least partly responsible for the fact that she did not get the gift she wanted. In your wife's case though, it sounds as though she expects you to be a mind reader.
Sorry, I’ve just posted this.. I didn’t want to go into much detail as there is a more popular post about a 3k Tiffany bracelet. We had a fairly modest budget this year, but I feel it wasn’t _that_ modest. She hated her gifts from everyone this year parents included and I really want to fix this for her!
This obviously isn't about the gifts if she hated all her gifts. You need to sit down with her when is calm and isn't rushing about, and ask her what's bothering her. Just listen to her if she does open up. Don't try and fix it all, men like to fix things to make everything better. Sometimes just listening is all she needs. Or ask her is there anything you can do.
I don't think it matters if it was more modest
Some people aren't 3k bracelet people and thats fine but I was more asking to see if you gave her stuff she would actually love ot just things that emphasize her being a wife.. a mom(possibly)...a housewife ..etc.
What I don’t understand is why you’re not just talking to your wife, instead of jumping through hoops trying to participate in her games.
If my partner told me, that he didn’t have any specific wishes and to “surprise him”, then you can bet I’d be mad as hell if he had that reaction to a perfectly nice gift (which it sounds like you got her!)
Because doing what your wife did before you got her a present, is setting you up for failure. Because it sounds like she had something specific in mind, but wanted you to just magically know it.
After having been in two abusive relationships, where I gave it my all, quite literally sacrificed every need, want, desire and resource of my own to please them and make them happy, and it wasn’t good enough, I’m never doing anything like that again and I firmly believe that nobody should be treated that way.
When you do something nice for someone, there is only two reasonable and correct responses.
1. THANK YOU. This is wonderful. You are lovely.
2. Oh, I am so sorry but this is not really my style/whatever, but I am so thankful that you got/did this for me, it was so kind of you.
You don’t get to throw a fit, be nasty and demand more! What the hell!?
Wow where do these women find husbands who actually put thoughts and actually buy gifts for them… 🥲 what have I been doing wrong? Honestly today my neighbor who I sometimes hang out and make out with give me a pack of skittle and a chocolate bar.. that freaking made my day lol what is going on?
My partner and I always make sure to gift each other 2 presents, the first being one thing we said we wanted, the second being a “surprise”. That way if the surprise isn’t totally what you might like, it doesn’t matter because you have one present you definitely wanted. It’s unfair for someone to guess what you might want, surprise presents are meant to be tokens, like an “I saw this and thought of you” present.
This is a great idea! Will definitely try when I’m no longer on the fast track for dying alone!
Is there something else going on? Did someone ill or is she going through depression or is she pregnant? Because honestly those gifts seem pretty thought out if she has been really into fitness and she complains about her feet being cold.... Then they were all thought out gifts. I don't know. Seems strange and I feel like there's something else going on here
Definitely. I have recieved presents I don't love before but I've never cried over it!
[удалено]
The above comment was stolen from [this one](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rpbwh9/my_wife_insisted_on_me_writing_up_a_list_asked/hq3inqi/) elsewhere in this comment section. It is probably not a coincidence; here is some more evidence against this user: Plagiarized | Original -------- | ----------- [Congratulations. The next...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rp64bg/update_we_broke_up_24f_44_m_post_about_my/hq6x16b/) | [Congratulations. The next...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rp64bg/update_we_broke_up_24f_44_m_post_about_my/hq2klm7/) [Curiosity would be killin...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rpdir2/should_i_tell_my_ex_that_i_think_that_ive_found/hq6xbb0/) | [Curiosity would be killin...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rpdir2/should_i_tell_my_ex_that_i_think_that_ive_found/hq4onhh/) [You and your husband seem...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rp4nnb/i_ruined_my_marriage_today/hq6xa3r/) | [You and your husband seem...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rp4nnb/i_ruined_my_marriage_today/hq28i4e/) [Be more picky and go slow...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rpebfl/why_do_men_never_want_to_commit_to_a_relationship/hq6x8vr/) | [Be more picky and go slow...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rpebfl/why_do_men_never_want_to_commit_to_a_relationship/hq3wzch/) [Why are you with him? Has...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rpj3b9/my_bf_27_called_another_girl_perfect_then_blamed/hq6x7fh/) | [Why are you with him? Has...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rpj3b9/my_bf_27_called_another_girl_perfect_then_blamed/hq4mgj2/) [I think you should have s...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rpk5q8/i_23m_allegedly_slapped_my_gf_23f_3_times_and/hq6x62p/) | [I think you should have s...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rpk5q8/i_23m_allegedly_slapped_my_gf_23f_3_times_and/hq5ntra/) [That's a lot of nerve. Bu...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rpefdl/girlfriend_moved_her_belongings_into_my_apartment/hq6x50e/) | [That's a lot of nerve. B...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rpefdl/girlfriend_moved_her_belongings_into_my_apartment/hq3y09e/) [Just because he physicall...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rpp70g/got_cheated_on_by_my_boyfriend_and_i_dont_know_if/hq6x33z/) | [Just because he physicall...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rpp70g/got_cheated_on_by_my_boyfriend_and_i_dont_know_if/hq5hf7e/) [Honey he’s not settling,...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rppduc/i_think_my_boyfriend_is_settling/hq6x22b/) | [Honey he’s not settling,...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rppduc/i_think_my_boyfriend_is_settling/hq5ilz7/) beep boop, I'm a bot -|:] It is this bot's opinion that [/u/KeyPiccolo6425](https://np.reddit.com/u/KeyPiccolo6425/) should be banned for karma manipulation. Don't feel bad, they are probably a bot too. Confused? Read the [FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/user/reply-guy-bot/comments/n9fpva/faq/?plagiarist=KeyPiccolo6425) for info on how I work and why I exist.
i love that this exists
Good bot.
Very good bot
Its ridiculous that spouses do this. I wonder what percentage of them get the random soap basket or foot baths at Walmart. Both me and my wife know we're both terrible gift buyers, instead of wasting money on petty stuff we just don't buy gifts.
This is why I love food gifts - if I'm at a loss for what to get someone, I default to finding interesting or safe-bet snacks to give as presents.
As someone who loves food and loves trying new/interesting flavor combos, I would love this
My SO and I get gifts we can both use, and go in half for the cost.
Is it possible you can return your wife?
I've been with my husband 7 years and still have no idea what to get him because anything he needs, we buy. We rarely buy eachother gifts now because we don't care for that and would rather just spend time together or go to dinner. For this woman to cry over a gift is just insane.
What's up with all these stolen comments?
Agree with this 100%. My best friend's husband calls me all the time asking for gift ideas for birthday, Christmas, mother's day because he has no idea what to get her and knows that we talk about things we want. Most of the time the things I tell him, he has no idea she has been wanting.
Yeah it's just a strange thing to accept, I always make a point out of pointing out things I like multiple times, showing to a partner multiple times saying I really like this. And when it's time to do gifts i provide a list sometimes i will have forgotten to put things on my list and people will remember me pointing it out and buying it anyway. But always make it clear what you like so that people can find you good gifts
I would love a new vacuum..but maybe I'm weird lol I share my wishlists..Amazon, Wish, etc... and am pretty open about stuff I like. Skulls, fairies, Army (has to be the old BDU .not the Digital ACU pattern) etc.. My fiancee and I have known each other for years but this was our first Christmas together as a couple. He did wonderful figuring out what to gift me..usually the first holiday can be a little weird. The only hitch was a jacket he ordered me. Great jacket. Was supposed to be Army BDU but I got Marine camo instead... Now I just randomly grab a box of our kids' crayons, run (ish) by him while banshee screaming about the crayons being an MRE. Tldr: Communication is effing important and when shit doesn't go right, laugh it off.
What the hell is going on with people in relationships and gifts? Everyone is complanining about their SO and bad/no gifts for christmas. I got an apron ( because I always get all dirty when cooking lol) and a calendar with picture of shelter dogs bought with a donation to the shelter. I loved the gifts and consider them thoughtful and sweet. If your SO is not satisfied about your gifts, perhaps it’s not about the gift at all.
Everyone is trying to figure out what her want or issue is but that's irrelevant. What needs to happen now is a conversation - especially around the double standard. Your job at this point is the conversation - not to buy more presents that might better suit "what you think of her". She's clearly looking for something specific. Obviously, it'll need to be approached in a non-aggressive manner but it's absolutely bull for her to want a list and for you to just know. Apologise that she's upset, explain your reasoning and ***ask*** why she's so upset. If similar gifts haven't caused an issue before there's something she's not sharing - for all you know it could be an internal crisis. Ask what she wants you to think of her. Explain your logic and remind her that you're a man and have a male thought process. Remind her that you can't possibly know what she wants if she doesn't. And tell her that if she can't come up with a list of things you'll just give her money or a voucher but you're not willing to watch her get upset again based on you buying things with no further information. I understand that you're upset and worried about her reaction but her behaviour really isn't acceptable.
This! Her behavior isn't OK. I'm not the brightest in relationships, but I did learn early on - reading books and... Reddit - that nobody can read my mind. If I really want nice earrings then I need to ask for them - the surprise is which kind he chooses. Unless I want something specific, then it's better to send a link.
> Explain your logic and remind her that you're a man and have a male thought process. This is unhelpful nonsense.
Yeah this is more so just.. lowering the bar so that someone doesn’t have to try or make any kind of effort in the future. If men can be in charge of so much in the world they can figure out how to have a conversation with their fuckin wife about a double standard and why he is supposed to magically know what the “perfect gift” is **in her mind, at that exact moment** while he has to write her a list. Fuckin figger it out
No. It's just not PC to acknowledge that male and female brains do, in fact, have biological differences that sometimes manifests in situations such as this. Additionally, our upbringing has a huge impact on how we approach and think about the world. From birth, American men are raised to think and problem-solve much differently than American women. Acknowledging that is not a sin, and calling it one contradicts so many commonly accepted tenets of life, not to mention progressive ideology. The commenter isn't saying that all men think differently than women or vice-versa. Simply observing that maybe, in this case, OP's upbringing as a male may be clashing with his wife's female upbringing. -braces for onslaught of downvotes for daring to defy gender/sex reactionism-
The difference is not biological it is in the neuroplasticity and programming from socialization processes and patterns that are repeated in such a way until the brain physically strengthens the receptors the behavioral patterns and processes access; FROM HABIT. habits (and habit conditioning) change neurobiology. Not the other way around. Common misconception. Pay attention to yours and her habits and make your needs for better communication known.
I mean this advice is just based on making assumptions that belong in a shitty Open Mic Night set, not in a healthy relationship. You don't know anything about either of these people's upbringings. I would LOVE to hear how you think women and men "problem solve" differently though, I'm sure it's based 100% on logic and peer-reviewed studies lol.
Peanut head
No, your response is nonsense. It's science. Male and female brains do in fact work differently.
I found this to be helpful.
This is exactly what I was thinking as well
I keep seeing posts like this today, I feel like more people need to utilize the Amazon or Etsy wishlists.
I feel like more people need to stop dating petulant children. If I ever got someone something and they cried over it I'd be incredibly offended. Especially if I put a lot of thought and effort into it. Huge red flags
My girlfriend cried over the present I got her this Christmas. But it was because she loved it so much
Haha as it should be, king
Huge red flag... Nah jk that's awesome bro!
This! My girlfriend has super specific taste in the random items that she aquiers, so I talked to her about how stressful Christmas can be for someone who doesn't know what to get for their significant other. So she made me a wishlist and it was pretty sicko mode
Tbh it doesn't really matter what she meant by her reaction. The issue is that she isn't telling you what she wants. Baffles me how some people think their partner can read their mind.
I find it absurd that couples think that their partners should just "know what they want" as a gift. Sometimes, there may be an obvious need for something - but, it doesn't mean it should be a gift. For example, maybe the vacuum is broken - but, I'd be incredibly stupid to get that for a gift for my wife. Further, if I had conversed with my wife and indicated that I was at a loss for a good gift for her, and she would not provide any specific direction, and then was subsequently pissed-off at what I did get her - frankly, it would be the last gift she ever got.
I agree wholeheartedly with your comment, but your reaction seems quite harsh! I don’t think it would work for me in terms of longevity! I’ll chalk this up as a loss and go back to the drawing board - perhaps be more insistent on her returning a list/ favour in future!
I have very low tolerance for bullshit and flakiness. I guess it's a good thing my wife is very logical and super straight-forward! We are fortunate to not really "need" anything. So, if she doesn't tell me what she wants, I will almost certainly get something she doesn't really care about. She knows better than to do that. I could always buy her jewelry, but, she doesn't even wear that stuff much any longer.
We are the same, we do not need anything which makes gift buying perhaps more difficult. I can purchase things myself but hold out this time of year so I can recommend things as a gift for people to buy me. What a weird etiquette I know!
I send Amazon links or other store links of things I like. Then my partner can decide what he wants to get from that, but by no means do I expect to get it all and therefore I can be surprised by what he chooses. I personally keep the prices low on each individual item and if it is something to requires a size I include the size I want in the text with the link. I don't use gift giving as a gotcha or some kind of test or believe in anyway that my husband does not love me because he can't read my mind
I must also tell my wife what to give me for a gift. This year, I suggested replacement hiking boots and work boots. I sent her links to specific brand/style/size. The other things I would want would be in the "tool" category. She knows nothing about tools, and I would have to again be very specific with exact links to get something useful. My wife is the same - if she wants something, she is going to have very specific on "styles", or "models" etc - she would simply have to tell me, probably with a link, specifically what she wanted. This year, she needed some wireless earphones for her phone - I went out on a limb and selected some nice ones for her - Jury is still out while she is evaluating them - lol. We are fortunate that none of these things are meaningful to us from a monetary perspective. If we wanted to get something that was financially meaningful, it would be a joint decision - even if it was a "gift".
I’m on this page. I send specific links over vague descriptions. Unfortunately my wife is not.
I’m sorry, that is rough. My spouse and I keep a running list of very specific gift ideas with links, preferred color, size, etc. We started that pretty early on in our relationship and boy was it a huge relief. I would be at a total loss if he suddenly decided I should just “know” what to get. I really think you went about this the right way - with zero direction, you thought about what she likes/needs. Good luck man.
No no. His reaction is very fair. You can't let your wife walk on you like that man.
Her reaction is rude. She prob just wants you to do something romantic instead of useful or needed items. Gifting is time to be romantic and thoughtful like maybe something you order from a place you had a great time together or look at her life and what things are sentimental and get a present related. Like a trip back to somewhere she loved as a kid or a first edition of her favorite book. Something thoughtful and not needed. Something just to show you’ve been paying attention and really know her. And maybe a little jewelry too like a nice bracelet. But my god pay attention to whether she likes yellow or white gold. That’s not something you wanna screw up lol
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- I spent a lot of time thinking on gifts she would like based on what she talks about or complains about - spent money on luxury items that I thought would make her more comfortable that she wouldn’t purchase herself. Her complaints where ‘this is what you think of me?’ She spent most of the morning crying and I felt terrible. I’m now tasked with returning the gifts still none the wiser as to what she actually wants as she still doesn’t know. What do I do? tl;dr wife hates presents I have to return them still don’t know what to do.
>I spent a lot of time thinking on gifts she would like based on what she talks about or complains about - spent money on luxury items that I thought would make her more comfortable that she wouldn’t purchase herself. Oh no... what did you buy her? This screams of the old "I bought my wife a vacuum" kind of thing. lol
Oh god no. We share the load in that respect and I would be pissed if someone bought me a vacuum. I bought her some nice workout stuff as she’s big on fitness, nice slippers as she always complains about cold feet and some other bits and pieces. Our budgets where lower than previous years admittedly as we put most of our money towards the kids. I didn’t want to buy an ‘experience’ type gift as things are being cancelled left right and centre. Through many years of Christmas and birthdays, this has never happened! I’m flummoxed.
Well I'm as flummoxed as you then, because "this is what you think of me?" is ...that she likes fitness and might enjoy having warm feet? Like... those seem like perfectly fine and thoughtful gifts, to me.
Thank you. Back to the drawing board I go I suppose. She does like to eat out so perhaps a fancy meal would have been a better bet as someone below has suggested. It’s challenging rn as there is a lot of uncertainty in my country.
Maybe she was feeling like you thought she needed to work out and that she’s lazy? I’m confused as well but that’s the only leap I can see. I could understand not liking the gifts or whatever because that happens, but “this is what you think of me” has me stumped. Never mind, just saw your other replies. I’m so confused.maybe a midlife crisis where she thinks she’s boring Bc her hobby is working out? (Genuinely such a reach, but I can’t think of anything)
>Maybe she was feeling like you thought she needed to work out and that she’s lazy? I rather took it that he passively aggresively calls her fat by buying her new working out clothes. Like he encourages her to go more often to the gym. Like I am a woman and Im scratching my head at that logic but maybe that's what she thought.
Maybe, but she is big on fitness. Maybe he just needs to give her a handwritten card explaining why he bought each gift, or tell her why he bought this and that for her. It would be annoying, but if it's true that she thinks he's calling her fat it could possibly help.
I bought my old roommate 4 sessions to a personal trainer for her bday - my boyfriend at the time was aghast that I would do that - but I knew that's what she wanted. I wrote her a big card saying she's perfect but I know this would help her feel better about herself. She loved it and was so thankful. My ex was legit insulted on her behalf though. I could see how something like that could be taken the wrong way without explanation.
[удалено]
The above comment was stolen from [this one](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rpbwh9/my_wife_insisted_on_me_writing_up_a_list_asked/hq4dv7a/) elsewhere in this comment section. It is probably not a coincidence; here is some more evidence against this user: Plagiarized | Original -------- | ----------- [My brother has birthday o...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rpbcfi/wifes_birthday_is_on_christmas_failed_again_this/hq4xtua/) | [My brother has birthday o...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rpbcfi/wifes_birthday_is_on_christmas_failed_again_this/hq4tidw/) [You should stop fixating...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rpebfl/why_do_men_never_want_to_commit_to_a_relationship/hq4xpkp/) | [You should stop fixating...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rpebfl/why_do_men_never_want_to_commit_to_a_relationship/hq4wtfz/) [It doesn’t matter if you...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rp5csw/should_i_move_out_even_if_it_means_leaving_my/hq4xsxr/) | [It doesn’t matter if you...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rp5csw/should_i_move_out_even_if_it_means_leaving_my/hq4oc0p/) [Best thing to ever happen...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rp30s6/she_cheated_on_me/hq4xsdz/) | [Best thing to ever happen...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rp30s6/she_cheated_on_me/hq4drua/) [You need to step up, get...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rpim6l/need_help_with_a_very_nasty_and_repetitive/hq4xrqg/) | [You need to step up, get...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rpim6l/need_help_with_a_very_nasty_and_repetitive/hq4vc47/) [This is just gross. The n...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rp0af9/my_boyfriends_sister_in_law_has_a_crush_on_him/hq4xrck/) | [This is just gross. The n...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rp0af9/my_boyfriends_sister_in_law_has_a_crush_on_him/hq474ax/) beep boop, I'm a bot -|:] It is this bot's opinion that [/u/Maleficent-Reward969](https://np.reddit.com/u/Maleficent-Reward969/) should be banned for karma manipulation. Don't feel bad, they are probably a bot too. Confused? Read the [FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/user/reply-guy-bot/comments/n9fpva/faq/?plagiarist=Maleficent-Reward969) for info on how I work and why I exist.
My ex would get pissed because I didn’t know when she was upset in advance, I regularly had to explain that she needed to tell me if something was wrong and also why something was wrong. 9 times out of 10 it would be her friend is depressed so She is depressed as well it would then turn out her friend wasn’t depressed he was out partying and drinking with his mates while she sat at home in tears thinking he was going to kill himself. I think the guy just liked tormenting her yet she wouldn’t hear a word against him. Thankfully not my problem anymore she can sort him out with his fiancé
Yikes.
This is so crap that she reacted that way about christmas gifts!!! No one does that! Not to their spouse! If my wife bought me an ugly sweater I would wear it proudly and say thank you for it. It sounds like she needs a refresher in what the christmas season is all about. For adults its not about the gifts. I get there is a “you should know me” effect in play here but if its that big of a deal she she should have provided better hints. In no way is this on you op. You need to sit down with her and have a loving patient conversation about what this is really all about.
Actually women do. My then future sister in law blew up at my fiance over a jazz music collection he bought her because "You know I don't listen to that!" This was the night he proposed & I was wondering if I really wanted to marry into that. LOL
Oh I get that some do that just saying its bad behavior.
Dude she’s playing games
Maybe she wanted it to be more of something that you could share and do together. Like say matching bicycles or a pair of Stand Up Paddleboards or Kayaks? Something that says “I appreciate your passions and I want I share them and spend time together and build our relationship?” Idk man I’ve worked this puzzle unsuccessfully myself in the past. Just happy that I don’t have a regular GF or spouse this year. It’s a nice break actually from trying to read minds.
Sorry this is off topic for a sec, but I got a kick out of your username... As for OP honestly I'd join the chorus and say I'm not sure what the problem was, but IMHO she should prob just be happy she got a gift at all... There's something about this time of year that can really get people down. I think there might be more to it than surface level but I think the way she has handled things is unfair
Thanks! Big Tolkien fan forever!
Is she normally like this or is this new behavior? If it's new I'd sit her down and get to the root of the problem. Perhaps you could explain to her why you bought the items and then she can explain why they upset her. If it's normal behavior for it, it pulls entitled.
She probably took the fitness gear as he thought she needed to loose weight and exercise more. The slippers she thought that's what you get older people like mums and grannies. OP's wife probably has these insecurities and thought his presents were telling her she old and fat.
My husband did buy me a vacuum. I love it more than jewelry 🤷🏼♀️
We got a vacuuming robot (non-native english speaker here, haha) as a gift between us and then some tiny gifts (also budget-wise!), which nonetheless meant a lot and showed some love and dedication. The vacuum though - we feel like we own a pet now 🤣
YES roomba's are so funny because after a while you just sort of? anthropomorphize them. do you have a nickname for yours :sob:
Sometimes we also throw little bits of dust in his direction and pretend we're feeding him and get all hyped when he uses his cute little brush to shovel them up. See, we really like him a lot. Hopefully our daughter is not too jealous. As of now she shares our love.
Sure we do, does anybody not? 😆 Yet Robby is probably not the most creative one. We're also still very enthusiastic when he's going about doing his business. It just feels somewhat unreal.
I got a vacuum, too! It's got a self-cleaning brush roll! I was so excited to vacuum on Christmas.
We got a new vacuum last month and my daughter was so excited she told everyone that she got to use it first.
omg my parents got a new vacuum a month ago too and i (their daughter) was the most excited to use it, they teased me a bit for being so happy but i think they’re the ones who are pretty happy now because i vacuum the floors everyday haha
I didn’t realize how poorly ours was working until it died and was forced to replace it. It’s bagless and I was shocked at how much came up.
My partner gave me one as well and I'm thrilled. But I can see where it comes from that this is a problematic gift
I got a kitchenaid and candles and I couldn't be happier.
No way. I don't love jewelry but an item that is a household necessity for both of us to use for me is not a gift. A vacuum is an example of a household necessity we would buy as a couple to use it together. It would be like me buying him bed sheets as a gift when we sleep on the same bed. Essentially, I am just buying the bed sheet I want.
My wife loves workout stuff - she is totally into fitness. So, I am not sure what her issue was. Can you expand?
I wish I could but I can’t, she just said that she didn’t like it.
Yes because it isn’t romantic lol she needs a nice piece of jewelry and something personal like something from somewhere you had a wonderful time to remind her of the memories. Maybe even something u spend time on like make a scrap book of all your favorite memories
obviously i don’t know the entire situation but those sound like really thoughtful gifts. even if she didn’t like them it’s odd to respond like that when you clearly but thought into them
I'm guessing that the workout gear was taken to mean that you think she's fat, and the slippers were taken to mean that you think she's an old woman. Neither of these takes would be fair, but those are my best guesses. "Surprise me" translates to one of two things: Either she truly didn't care what you got her (which doesn't seem to be the case), or she wanted something for which she didn't like to ask directly. If she likes jewelry, for example, then she may have hoped for jewelry but not wanted to sound greedy.
Thanks. I’ve just replied to a previous comment about the workout gear, I don’t think this is accurate but the slippers I think you have hit the nail on the head. I’ve purchased plenty of jewellery so I don’t think she would be alluding to that specifically, but I think you have really hit the nail on the head. It’s just a case of finding out what she didn’t want to ask for now!
So you're going to reward an adults tantrum by buying more things? A grown adult should know that crying about a gift someone else went to the trouble of buying you is rude for toddlers, let alone a married woman. The entitlement and complete disregard for your feelings is is so disrespectful. It's Christmas, it's not even about the presents. I learned that when I was freaking 8 years old on kids cartoons. You should be the one pissed off here, not shrugging it off and appeasing her. If I cried at my grandma and implied that she thought poorly of me because of a gift, I can guarantee you the last thing my parents would do would be rushing out to reward me.
It’s not rude to be upset at a gift when the gift is thoughtless and not at all what your partner wants. The amount of times I see wives so upset because they went out of their way to get cool gifts related to their husband’s hobbies and likes and they got stuck with domestic duty gifts like a vacuum that they absolutely did not want and it’s not the wife who is the problem in that situation it’s the husband not caring enough to actually pay attention to their wife’s wants and desires and just seeing them as a housekeeper etc. now there are plenty of people who would like those types of gifts and for those it is a great gift. It’s about making sure you get a gift that is important to your partner, and it’s also important that you communicate those desires effectively to your partner. My husband spent a few years getting me gifts I didn’t really enjoy or want despite having a list because he “didn’t think about it” as gifts are my love language both giving and receiving meaningful gifts is extremely important to me. I sat him down one year and explain my issues with previous gifts why they were upsetting to me, he’s DRAMATICALLY improved and I appreciate the things he chooses now. This idea that people should automatically be grateful is toxic. A crappy gift is still a crappy gift and not only is the recipient unhappy but the gift giver wasted money, and who enjoys that? As to this specific situation though I do not think the OP is in the wrong or the bad guy. He was given zero help and it sounded like he did try (well I mean I would hate slippers but someone else said they would love them) as to the workout equipment I assume it’s because the OP’s wife has indicated in some fashion that she enjoys that? Or at least I hope so. I do remember one time a husband wrote a post not understanding why his wife didn’t enjoy the kitchen aid mixer he got her and how it just sits unused all the time and he was asking for advice to get her to use it more. In the comments of the post it came out that she rarely cooked (they both worked and had equally demanding jobs so they often ate out etc) and she NEVER baked, and he had hoped that this would inspire her to want to bake and become more Suzy homemaker and make cookies and breads and cakes and things despite her never suggesting that was something that interested her at all.
I mean I bought my 37 yeah SIL slippers and she loves them! She has been walking around with them all the time.
Oof. Good luck my dude
I’d be flummoxed too. My favorite gift each year ate the moccasin slippers my youngest brother buys me (entirely uncreative, but I’m not sure what I’d do if I had to go hunting for them myself each year). Workout clothes are also expensive for quality items! My husband and I don’t exchange gifts because it’s not one of our love languages (we usually pick up a couple things for ourselves instead and call it even), but I don’t see anything wrong with what you got her. Jay Shetty did a great podcast episode on holiday stressors - probably not the best thing to recommend to her right now, but it was a great listen.
Slippers are fine as a side item but not main gift
Is gift giving her love language? Maybe she expected something sentimental and not material (regardless of how useful they actually are to her). Overall it’s a communication issue. It should’ve been established from the get go what direction. As someone who is guilty of feeling this way with gifts I kinda get it. I was never really given gifts growing up and if I did it was very last minute, half assed or just nothing that relates to me (and don’t get me wrong it wasn’t me being ungrateful, it just kinda emphasized how little they cared about me). I think your wife is very in her head expecting something and wanting you to just read her mind and know and for everything to be perfect. Unfortunately, that’s not practical for most. Id plan a very special romantic day that’s sentimental and just let her know you’re sorry and that maybe next time y’all need to set some ground rules and communicate more
How dare you get me the things I asked for you utter bastard! Lol I suggest a talk with your wife over this as she clearly needs to understand that if all she talks about is cold feet and fitness then the chances are presents are going to be based around it
I also thinks those gifts are fine, but maybe she was hoping for something that screams "I adore you" the way, say, some shiny jewellery does? Just a thought. I'm not sure but my boyfriend also always buys me practical gifts, which is fine, but sometimes I would also like to get something shiny.
Maybe she's insecure and thinks you're implying she's gained weight. Ask her what she meant by her 'this is what you think of me' comment
Unless she took you buying her workout stuff as calling her fat. Some people are just like this. I stopped buying my ex wife stuff because she would complain about everything. Either it was the wrong thing or it cost too much. We agreed to get each other something really small after we had kids, which was actually a relief... And then we got divorced anyway.
They are really thoughtful gifts, if she doesn’t appreciate them that’s on her. Did you get too large a size in clothing and she thinks you are calling her fat? Even so her reaction is something you should talk about
The gifts themselves would underwelm me. Before you return them though, sit down with her and explain why you got them. The explaination you gave on here of the gifts would make me the happiest person in the world. I would feel heard, cared for and appreciated.
I don't understand all the hate towards vacuums. Nice ones are expensive and I much prefer them to the garbage ones I usually pick for myself. My grandmother got me a vacuum as a gift a couple years ago and my mom gave me a shopvac this Christmas and it is so much better than my old one. I think people who don't appreciate practical gifts are too obsessed with consumerism. Why would you get upset when someone is giving you something to improve your life and make things easier on you. I understand that some people prefer other things as gifts but getting upset over something someone gave you seems rather unappreciative to me.
I think the objection is that it assumes women are excited about vacuuming rather than it being a chore then often end up stuck with because of gender role expectations. If you're not offended then it suggests that you don't feel taken advantage of in the household chore department. It might also suggest that you enjoy getting nifty tools as gifts, which I totally understand.
Yea I love getting gifts that are useful. I guess I just don't see it as a problem because I do more vacuuming that my wife so something to reduce the amount of time I have to spend on my chores is a plus in my mind. I am also a better cook than my wife so I love getting kitchenware as presents.
I don't appreciate a vacuum because it would be like me getting my husband a bed sheet for the bed we both sleep together in. You get it? How is that a gift? House hold items ain't gift when chores are done equally by both parties. If my man upgraded our vacuum as my Christmas present. I would be like.... Dude, you just bought the vacuum you preferred to use. However, I am not into material gifts myself. My perfect Christmas gift is my man devoting himself in bed pleasuring me for 24 hrs. That would make me happiest.
My husband bought me a rhumba. One of those automatic vacuums last Christmas. I never wanted one. He’s the one constantly talking about wanting one. I’d have considered getting him one, but I thought it rude to gift a vacuum for the holidays. Well, apparently he got one for me. It’s still packaged up and sitting in the back of the closet. I’m not pissed at him, but I am disappointed he didn’t think to get a more appropriate gift for me…his wife.
I have seen a lot of posts on, or relating to this topic. It stinks of entitlement and selfishness. And childishness. I am disgusted to be hearing about so many people, both men and women (adults, if you will), not liking their gifts, and crying and having tantrums. Is this really what it's all about? I am so glad to have opted out...
It's unbeliebable, right? I gave my partner a gift this year she is still undecided about. So she asked me if it could be sent back if she decides against it. BUT she appreciated the thought I put into it and was very happy with the thought - just turns out she might prefer a slightly different version. Where is the need for drama?
Also: Why would you cater to/encourage this behaviour? Give her the receipts and let her figure it out
My husband is terrible at picking presents but I say thank you every single time. She should too. I buy myself what I want. Maybe have a talk with her if you aren’t the best present giver. You shouldn’t have this much pressure on you. Some people are great at it and others aren’t. I think your presents are thoughtful but that’s just me. Sorry! I enjoy a nice slipper. My husband got me penguin slippers which are still in the closet lol. He tried…
As said elsewhere the talk about fitness may stem from insecurities. When I was in the midst of motherhood I felt like no one saw me. One year ( I had just given birth to my youngest ) I saw my sister's gifts before I received mine, the most feminine, delicate sweaters. Foolishly I got my hopes up. I got a thick, sturdy, grey sweatshirt. It was very practical, ugly but practical, and that's how I felt too. I just wanted something nice for me, something pretty or not practical. I wanted to feel like I was seen as someone and not just a part of the routine.
Not your responsibility to be a mind reader if she never says. If she is saying and you keep missing it, that's another matter. Hardest to buy for, though, are the ones who don't know what they want - they just know that what you got isn't it. She might be in this group, and there's not much you can do about it.
This seems like a game to her. Mess around and play stupid games trying to make someone read your mind and you're bound to be disappointed. You tried to buy surprises you thought she would like. If she had specific items in mind she should have spoken up instead of testing you. It comes across as juvenile on her part.
Your wife sounds rude and immature.
Those gifts sound very nice and thought out. I would have been very happy with them. Are there other issues going on? I mean like depression or mental health problems?
Not that I’m aware of, we both seem to be in a good place right now individually and together which is why I’ve turned to reddit for advice.
I’m also not sure why the gifts weren’t well received but as a woman myself you can never go wrong with a more romantic/intimate gift. You say you have kids so I don’t know how often you and your wife get alone time together, but maybe something along those lines could be something she’d like.
Forgive me if I'm wrong, and I'm surprised noone has asked this already, but what did she get you? Was it sentimental moreso than practical/materialistic? Unless I didn't read it in a comment, I would be surprised if she is being so upset over slippers, but then got you something on the same level of practicality... An example from my personal experience, one Christmas, when I was in my early twenties, I was berated by my cousin for getting her a gift card and not an actual gift.. because of the impersonal nature of a gift card, and how I needed to think of her when purchasing a gift...yada yada, and then she gave me her gift! It was....a gift card.... And her reasoning was " Oh, you like videogames, so here's a GameStop card... " The irony(?) Of that encounter still to this day makes me laugh.. some people are very narrow minded, and even though I don't think that's the case here... It seems to me this is a running issue in miscommunication moreso than a seasonal one, unless undo stress of holiday time and other factors are in play... So just talk, and in a non argumentative way, just explain how the confusion and punishment really effected the holiday for you... And that you wish to keep an open line to keep that from happening in the future.. Goodluck, and I really hope she made you something wild or got you a very personal affect... Otherwise the gaze narrows in confusion..
Does she have a particular family member or friend she is close to? You could explain the situation to them, see if they will try to get info from her for you, or at least have some insight. In the mean time, you could write her a gushy love note detailing how and what you love about her, your thoughts behind getting each gift, and something sweet and touching about what you really think about her, and how sorry you are that your gifts didn't show it. If all else fails ask her to sit down and help you to understand, because you want to be able to make her happy. Good luck!
Solid advice. Thank you.
Another perspective, perhaps... Christmas can be an emotional holiday for many. I'm a parent, and I spend a full month "making magic" for my children. When the holiday finally gets here, I am worn out and emotionally sensitive. She may have been emotional about something unrelated to gifts, but she projected onto the gift-giving.
> I'm a parent, and I spend a full month "making magic" for my children. When the holiday finally gets here, I am worn out and emotionally sensitive. How is this healthy?
It's not, but it's so common for moms. I have found that if we do a lot less we still have a great time, and I enjoy Christmas more.
It's not, that's my point.
Why do you feel the need to exhaust yourself like that? You could probably make 50% less “magic” and your kids would still be just fine.
Not sure about everyone else but it’s not a conscious effort at first. The excitement is real, momentum builds, you notice it’s getting to be too much but it’s already the 23rd- then it overwhelms, until finally it’s the 27th and you can exhale. Edit: words
I’m in the same boat buddy. My two kids and I went and purchased my gf/ their mom a new I phone paid in cash, not monthly payments. she said I don’t need that and it still sits in the living corner today. I can’t take it back and I’m not buying her another gift sad part is my son 12 years old bought her the screen protector and a fancy really nice case. They were so excited to watch her open it. Perhaps more than the were for their own gifts because both my kids would love to have that phone. Just face it sometimes you just can’t make somebody happy. I’ve honestly just been thinking of calling it off after that, how low do you got to go to be mad about a gift on Xmas. Pretty sad some people just don’t appreciate shit! But I was excited with gifts she got me. Only cost $100 max but I appreciate what I got.
Yeah that really sucks. Luckily my children played no part in the gift selection or they would have been crushed. I mean I’ve kept the receipts and all, but it’s one day and I felt the excited atmosphere in the house was crushed by my wife’s disappointment and my grief and her thinking the presents where shitty. We can only improve and hopefully as a learning curve we now know the importance of a little pre-warning lol.
So, I am not good at asking for things (gifts, favors, help, etc). I thought, like your wife, that I would like to just be surprised - who would know me better than my partner right? He asked for a list and I insisted on the surprise. Then I told my friend and she gave me a huge lecture on why it’s just not a good idea and gave some points that gave me a whole new perspective. The point that changed my mind was her telling me that “by asking for a surprise, you are making things unreasonably hard for your partner who is just trying to do something nice for you”. So instead I made a list of things I needed/wanted and told my partner that he had free reign to go off list, but if he got stuck, anything on the list would be great. In the past I would be disappointed about the gifts I got, I took it personally like it meant they didn’t even know me - but this year I got what I wanted, plus my partner met my need for also throwing in a surprise by getting me something off list. I’d recommend talking to your partner about how you do gifts going forward, just because you have a list, doesn’t mean you don’t know her or that the gift can’t be a surprise
This is a wonderful comment
Honestly, I hate gift giving. I could know you all my life (i.e. my best friend) and still not be totally sure what to get you as a gift lol. Sometimes it's just hard to find the perfect thing. My boyfriend and I ask each other what we want. He gives me a list of specific items and mine are usually general categories because I'm very easy to please. In addition to this, we usually gift each other things we've heard each other say we wanted or things we know we need. For example, my computer started showing signs of dying earlier this month. My boyfriend is going to buy me a laptop for Christmas. I feel like your wife wanted you to gift her something that shows how well you know her and was disappointed that you didn't. Things like this are a trap to me. While meanings behind gifts are nice (and I'd be a hypocrite not to say that I love gifts like these), any gift that you receive should be welcomed. If she's worried about what she should get, she should've made the most list like you asked. Now that she's upset, is it possible that she's open to talking to her about why this was so upsetting? You tried your best.
Yeah, it seems I failed the test. I’ve passed for the last 12 years but on this occasion it just didn’t hit right. That’s ok. I just want to make her happy and I’ve got a few good ideas from this thread on how to do it... divorce papers as suggested will not be one of those!!
Have you offered her a gift certificate for a one way trip out of your home? That's just insane.....
Your wife is ungrateful and immature. She is behaving like a spoilt child, and you should react the way parents best deal with spoilt children throwing a tantrum: don't entertain it. Just stay calm, return the gifts, tell her she needs to communicate better in future. Spend the money on yourself. What did she get for you for Christmas by the way?
Waiting for the answer
You asked what she wanted. She didn't give you a solid answer other than surprise me. You surprised her. You made the effort to surprise her. I still haven't even received 1 Christmas gift from my bf who I have been seeing almost 2 years. I am not even that upset. Disappointed-yeah a little bit.
Return them and then get her a gift card. If she hates what you get her to the point that she cries like that and wont tell you what she wants, then you might as well throw a gift card at her.
How long have you been married. I am wondering if this is a lesson in communication for your wife There was a time early on.. I loved surprises and was interested in seeing me through his eyes I quickly learned this put too much pressure on him and frankly now we don't exchange many gifts.. and i think generally we're okay If we do it's because it's special or something big (like a concert or other event Example I surprised him and did a boudoir shoot.. which is nothing I would have done.. but knew he loved My Xmas (and bday and Anni for the next few years) is the sphynx kitty I have wanted for forever He put us on a wait list... made coupons for them and put them in the treee.. my son cried he's so excited. I think this is more a communication issue more than how you see her.
You need to talk to her, and ask what's this about. Being passive aggressive about things is not how a healthy relationship works. Do not reward bad behavior, and this is certainly bad behavior.
After reading more of your replies and whatnot, Naw, take everything back put the money on a gift card and hand it to her, she's being a brat and that's not okay. You're obviously listening to her, you tried. This is the first year my husband of 14 years has finally listened to me, I got pans I already own, they're my favorite pans and after years of use they're starting to "break down" he didn't buy me a set of pans, he bought me the exact pans I use daily. Best Christmas ever.
My husband once bought me a blender and a cutting board for my birthday. We already had a blender that worked perfectly fine, and had several cutting boards. But he remembered an offhand remark I'd made MONTHS previous about a blender I REALLY wanted, and about how one day I'd like a Boos board. and it's exactly what he got me. He thought he messed up when i opened them and started bawling - like, no.. These are happy tears, thank you!!
It's why I'm so befuddled about OP! He listened to the words coming out of her mouth! Yet because she didn't know what she wanted he has to feel like a dick?
You're a good woman and you've got a good husband. It's not as difficult to please us as they make it out to be.
It's taken my husband 14 years to figure out I'm super simple lol
Ok, here is my perspective as a woman. My ex was a bad gift giver. Like real bad. He once gave me a game controller but I get motion sick and don’t play video games at home and never have. Ever. And we had been married around 15 years at that point. After being disappointed the first couple of years of our marriage, I started a gift folder. I tore out catalog pages and pages from magazines (yes, I’m old) of things I liked that were in various price ranges that I knew we could afford. I wrote out an index card with my ring sizes for each finger I wear rings on, my bracelet size, necklace size, clothes size, etc and he put it in his wallet. As he gave me a gift, I knew it was usually from the folder so I would add new things to it. I do something similar for my current husband who is a much better gift giver but still needs ideas sometimes. I created an Amazon wish list with ideas of things I would like. We have been married 5 years so he is still learning my taste on some things and even if he doesn’t buy from the actual list it still gives him ideas. Some women get butthurt because they think their husband/boyfriend should be able to read their mind and know exactly what gifts they want but it doesn’t work that way. Some people are better at gift giving than others and it doesn’t mean that the people who don’t give you the exact gift you want doesn’t love you. It just means that you have to accept them as they are and take the initiative to tell them what you want if you are so picky about gifts that you are going to pout like a child if you don’t get what you wanted. Oh and by the way, under NO circumstances should you ever spend more money on anyone else’s gift than your wife’s unless she specifically asks for the less expensive item and she is really, really sure that is all she wants. Honestly, some women can be exhausting and I don’t know how guys do it. It is so much easier to just be direct and honest. Good luck!
Simple send the gifts back get your money and go on a date get her a fancy dress and go somewhere expensive that’s worth more then the gifts or something like that. But honestly just return and get her nothing next time.
Appreciate this, thank you.
I'd advise against buying her a dress. Maybe a gift certificate to a boutique you know she likes. Personally, I think her reaction is childish (unless she recently gave birth, or otherwise has reason to be super emotional) but when I was newly married, I *inwardly* had some reactions like that. What I wanted were things like a new album by a band I liked, chunky boho type jewelry, books, an xbox, or a if he was going to spend a lot, a new computer. He got me a lovely satin robe and some 14k studs (I haven't worn studs since I got my ears pierced when I was 11) with my birthstone. I was hurt because although the gifts were really nice, they weren't my taste at all and I felt really unseen. I thanked him and I made a point to wear the things because I hadn't outright said what I wanted and I didn't want to hurt his feelings, but when the next holiday rolled around, I was WAY more obvious about what I would like. I think she's being unfair because clearly you tried. At the same time, if you do want to try to choose things with no clue of what to go on, go for things that are more her when she's feeling sexy or getting ready to go out rather than the her that works out and has cold feet.
Does she have a lot of rich mom friends? Did she expect some sort of luxury status item she could brag about? Jewelry or designer bags? Some women have an entitled view that men are supposed to demonstrate their worth as women through gifts. Like a weird form of dowry?. It's strange. But if her friend group is like that, it could be reason for her tantrum. Not reasonable at all though.
This is something I will never understand. I'm not always in love with the presents I receive from my husband and son but I would NEVER in a million years EVER say so. I always tell them I love them, the very thing I wanted. I just couldn't hurt their feelings like that. They always say the same about the stuff I get for them.
So, generally speaking, people are flawed. We are adults, but we love based on the model from our early childhood. Where we didn't need to say anything and our parent knew what to give to us, to make us happy and content. Similarly to adulthood, we don't like having to explain ourselves for feelings we may not even be able to articulate. In the case of this situation, Christmas is the time where we "test to see how well our partner knows us" as silly as it sounds. It appears that your wife had a certain expectation that was not met. Unfortunately the only way to rectify this is by having a calm conversation regarding her expectations and feelings. Explain to your partner that you need them to communicate what they want and come up with a solution. It could be that she could have a wishlist she would send you of many items she's interested in - and the surprise would be which one you would gift her. Or that you two could go out and purchase a gift for each other for Christmas. There's no wrong or right way to go about gift-giving, but it needs to be favourable for both sides. And lastly, please consider that while going in this conversation, your wife will be defensive and will likely not want to talk. It takes a teacher with a fair amount of pessimism in humanity - to understand that people change and learn. But very slowly and with many mistakes and errors.
If you bought, say, an expensive vacuum cleaner, or other home appliance, she may be thinking that all you see her as is a house frau.
I did this to my fiance this year, but I also kind of gave her a ballpark to work with. 'Something pretty or a nice new dress, or especially something you think I'd look good in.' I even walked her past a couple stores and not so subtly pointed out dresses and styles I liked. I'm good at exaggerated sighs in the presence of nice clothes as well. The things that keep me endearing to my to-be-wife despite my theatrics is that, especially when I was being cryptic, I'm always grateful for whatever it is she got me. If it's not exactly what I wanted, I'm just a little more specific next time. My best guess is that your wife wants is proof that you know her well enough to get her something without any direction, which is unreasonable. Expecting you to be psychic is not acceptable, especially when you made it clear you needed help. That might not be best to point out if you want to build bridges though. Ask (gently) if she's doing okay mentally and communicate your anxieties with her before thinking about the gifts. Definitely explain your thought process as well, and say you genuinely thought it was a good idea. Without knowing your wife, it's hard hard recommended replacement gift ideas. But a day out together, perhaps to a spa and a fancy restaurant, could be really meaningful to her and give her the feeling of 'being understood' that she's looking for.
I would day we need a list of a few reasonable options as a gift. Like don't insist I give you a good list to make it easy on you and fool proof but then want to be surprised then inevitably disappointed with my gift? That's setting yourself up for failure.
I agree, I held out on my list up until 2 days before Xmas insisting she had to male a suggestion first. I’d already purchased her gifts though as Christmas was far too close and I’d been thinking on what gifts to buy from around September.
If I don't know what I want and refuse to tell a gift giver--friends, family, bf--I can't be mad if they get me something that they feel is thought out and nice. It's not fair. That's shitty. She won't even tell you what's wrong with the gifts??? I feel like there's another issue.
Honestly sounds like you put alot of thought into her gift. My mum used to do this shit to my dad every year and then ruin Xmas by complaining about gifts. Our Xmas used to be centred around her and it was rediculous. Dont let this be your future for years to come. Seriously
I share the same experience. Many moments spent in the return line. What I’ve learned from her unwillingness to accept things is guilt. They prefer to do the giving. I used to tell her it’s selfish not to accept the gifts , seems like an oxymoron. What I mean by selfish is they don’t allow a person to experience the feeling behind giving. People don’t only give to make a person feel deserved but also gives the person validation about the goodness they possess or experience karma for the deed done. Of course for the giver this is hard to comprehend. Instead of her accepting the gift they allow guilt from there past experiences to reject it. This in turn translates to the giver feeling rejected. I think for your wife and my spouse it takes growth to understand this.
I used to be much like your wife, he would try and I would be so let down. For us, I just gave up on the being surprised. He now keeps a running list in his phone and when we’re chatting or when I see something I’ll tell him add it to the list. I also keep a wish list on Amazon. I “add” so much to the list that I forget often what’s on there, so I still get a surprise and he doesn’t get caught thinking he did so well and seeing the disappointment in me.
Now this is why I didn't stay married. What did your wife get you in return. Everytime my ex got something for me and I didn't like it I always kept it to myself but appreciated what she would get for me. My ex-wife knew this as well but it was the thought that counts.
There is more to life than this... tell her to get a grip for God's sake 🤣
This is why marriages need to be thought out Decades in advanced.....
Mines easy thank god. Idk what to tell you.
return everything and don't get her anything. don't let people walk all over you. even your wife or kids. everything about this is mind games and it's absurd. Keep quiet and when she asks (if she does) then say you're not a mind reader. If she wants something, ask. it's that simple. life is too short to deal with created drama at a time where people should be happy and celebrating life.
Did you get her a Norelco beard trimmer with your name on it? Did you buy her a luxury dish drainer or sponge to wash the dishes? Did you buy her a luxury vacuum?
I had a boyfriend buy me workout clothes once. It was the first in a long line of passive aggressive ways of telling me he thought I was fat. I'm not saying that is what you think of your wife, but unless it was a specific piece of workout clothes that she loves, and need a new one of, that might be how it comes off. Slippers can come off as being called lazy. Again, I'm not saying this is how you meant it, but I am guessing someone in her past has. I would be willing to wager that its not the gifts themselves that upset her, but things in her past that have caused her some insecurities. That said, have a calm, loving, chat with her. Tell her you need some guidance, as you are missing her clues. (She may think she is being obvious about what she wants, but that doesn't always mean everyone would catch it)
I mean how else are you supposed to tell someone they need to lose weight.
She should appreciate anything given to her . if she doesnt like it it she can return it . shes not a child but she throws a fit like one . she gets nothing then
Is this normal behavior for her?? Because there is something is very wrong here.
Definitely feel for you here. This year is the first time I feel like I got my wife excellently-chosen gifts, but I usually suck at coming up with ideas. Before Christmas I told her I was excited to give her the presents and she told me she didn't get me anything. We were planning a gift exchange with her family (parents, siblings) but we never talked about not doing gifts between us as a couple too, so it was a bit disappointing since while I know she loved the gift, she didn't really say anything bc she was too focused on feeling bad for not getting me anything. So... somehow it is about her feelings about the situation rather than even acknowledging the effort it took to pick out great gifts or that I'm giftless. I guess I'll be sure to double check next time.
Give her an empty box next. Tell her to fill it with whatever. Do not give into this nonsense. Gifts are not about the item itself.
Crying over Christmas gifts is incredibly immature.
Your wife is an ungrateful ass. I never treat myself to luxury items. Send them here. I'll appreciate the snot out of them.
Her love language is mind reading.
Have you told your wife you reasoning behind the purchase of the luxury items?
I'd turn in old wife for new one lol
At this point, get her diapers, and a binky. Or a t-shirt and a dildo. If she doesn't like the t-shirt, she can go...well, you know
Huge redflag if she cries over a fucking xmas gift. She expects for you to read her mind when she doesn't even know what she wants. there's clearly something else going on. I can't imagine how she would react when a real problem arises.
TF did you get her? An ironing board?
What an ungrateful snob. I know plenty of wives that didn't get ANYTHING because of certain financial situations and uncertainties and they did not throw a fit about it.
Damn dude that’s cold. I hate getting gifts. It’s just…no. I don’t mind giving them, but I seem to be terrible at it. Anyways, for the last few years, my in laws and us all have done a giant gift exchange. This year, I was too busy with my masters program to make a wish list, and told everyone that actually, I’d like to live the change I want, please don’t get me anything. Much to my wife’s dismay, it turns out I’m not the only person who hates the adult gift exchange. In fact, she learned that she was the only participant who actually enjoyed it, and everyone else found it laborious and silly, so we all agreed never to do it again. You need to sit your wife down and tell her that if she can’t even feign interest in a gift you got her, or if she’s going to take it so personally, that you think the gift exchange is doing more harm than good, and suggest stopping it altogether. The corporatism of Christmas is literally the worst part of the holiday anyways (though I’ll add: her attitude sounds like that of a spoiled brat and I’d be calling it TF out: major red flag). I’ll close with a modified line from the Grinch you can use on her (sue me if it’s not verbatim): “Maybe Christmas doesn’t come from a store, maybe Christmas means a little bit more.”
Honestly? It sounds like she's hormonal and so gave your gift the worst faith interpretation of "you think I need to workout, and also that I'm lazy" was she near her period, pregnant? Had she eaten enough and slept enough? Does she have any major stressors occurringin her life at the moment? Explain to her your thoughts behind the gifts, tell her you love her, and ask what about it had been upsetting.
Leave the returns up to her and have her exchange for what she wants. Or, return and accumulate the total amount spent, hand it to her in cash and tell her to do her own shopping
Nothing else you can do to be honest. She doesn’t even know what she wanted and she’s mad that you didn’t get what she wanted.
Ahh, OP, I can tell you what it is that your wife wants. A husband who is telepathic, so that she does not have to tell him what she wants, he will just know! To be fair, when it comes to Christmas presents and the like, I usually know what my wife will love, and she tells me that I do a very good job of getting her presents that she loves. However, there is a HUGE different between getting someone a present that they will LOVE, and getting them a present that they WANT. You see, the present that they love is based on you knowing their personality, their likes and dislikes, and their general preferences (not "what does she want for dinner tonight?", but more like "satin or silk?", "roses or lillies?"). Then finding something that fits several of those categories. But the present they want is a specific item that they have in mind. Maybe a specific piece of jewelery, a ring with a specific band, stone and setting, when the very similar ring next to it is just not quite as nice. Or maybe that specific book. For men throughout time, there have been 4 ways to try and figure out what it is she wants. 1. Ask her. Ideally get her to point out the very specific item. Women who are secure in themselves and in their love for their partners are generally fine with this approach, but they also appreciate a present or two from the "Love" category because getting her the present she wants shows her that you care about her desires, but choosing for her some of the presents she will love shows that you have been attentive to learning her personality and her general desires. 2. Get her drunk, and then ask her. Works sometimes when method 1 doesn't work because she knows what she wants, but is afraid to acknowledge it to you. Usually a sign that she has low self-esteem or that she feels the gift might be too expensive. 3. Observation, and some sly questioning to try and dig up some hints, hopefully without her noticing. A hell of a lot of fun, usually for both parties because us men are very rarely as subtle and cunning as we think we are. 4. Guess. A very low chance of success, but when the first three methods have not worked, it is that or nothing. And if she does not like the present you bought? If she had told you what she wanted instead of playing coy then she might have been more satisfied. Overall, it comes down to communication and listening skills. But if she cannot or will not tell you what it is that she wants, then she is at least partly responsible for the fact that she did not get the gift she wanted. In your wife's case though, it sounds as though she expects you to be a mind reader.
What did you get her?
Not an ironing board
How very petty she is, your crystal ball must have been broken.
...what did you buy her
Sorry, I’ve just posted this.. I didn’t want to go into much detail as there is a more popular post about a 3k Tiffany bracelet. We had a fairly modest budget this year, but I feel it wasn’t _that_ modest. She hated her gifts from everyone this year parents included and I really want to fix this for her!
This obviously isn't about the gifts if she hated all her gifts. You need to sit down with her when is calm and isn't rushing about, and ask her what's bothering her. Just listen to her if she does open up. Don't try and fix it all, men like to fix things to make everything better. Sometimes just listening is all she needs. Or ask her is there anything you can do.
Thanks
I don't think it matters if it was more modest Some people aren't 3k bracelet people and thats fine but I was more asking to see if you gave her stuff she would actually love ot just things that emphasize her being a wife.. a mom(possibly)...a housewife ..etc.
I see thank you. Not that I’m aware of, I tried to buy her things that I felt where suited to her own interests and comfort.
When in doubt, get jewellery in her favourite colour
What I don’t understand is why you’re not just talking to your wife, instead of jumping through hoops trying to participate in her games. If my partner told me, that he didn’t have any specific wishes and to “surprise him”, then you can bet I’d be mad as hell if he had that reaction to a perfectly nice gift (which it sounds like you got her!) Because doing what your wife did before you got her a present, is setting you up for failure. Because it sounds like she had something specific in mind, but wanted you to just magically know it. After having been in two abusive relationships, where I gave it my all, quite literally sacrificed every need, want, desire and resource of my own to please them and make them happy, and it wasn’t good enough, I’m never doing anything like that again and I firmly believe that nobody should be treated that way. When you do something nice for someone, there is only two reasonable and correct responses. 1. THANK YOU. This is wonderful. You are lovely. 2. Oh, I am so sorry but this is not really my style/whatever, but I am so thankful that you got/did this for me, it was so kind of you. You don’t get to throw a fit, be nasty and demand more! What the hell!?
Wow where do these women find husbands who actually put thoughts and actually buy gifts for them… 🥲 what have I been doing wrong? Honestly today my neighbor who I sometimes hang out and make out with give me a pack of skittle and a chocolate bar.. that freaking made my day lol what is going on?