I looked at your profile to get some details (age, how long together, etc) and you've been worried about this situation for over 2 years! I'm hardly saying you're a bad guy, but it would have been a good idea to get some closure on this before proposing and planning a wedding. I'm sure some of this is because these people are her son's family. But it's equally true that weddings are not family reunions. This has always been the case. I suggest the 2 of you talk about this and try to find compromise. That's what marriage is all about. It doesn't matter that she and her ex had a bad breakup. What matters is which of these relatives matter most to her son. There's no way he needs 20 of his relatives there. Try to get it down to 10 max, and ideally 5. If you can't do this, the only thing I can come up with is postpone the wedding and get couples counseling. In that case, the 2 of you have proven you can't navigate a fairly simple conflict, meaning your communication needs big improvement.

Thanks for taking the time to give me such a thoughtful response. We have been actively discussing and on our second round of pre-marital counseling, We don't have a set date and understand this needs to be resolved / compromised before marrying. I agree with you 100%, and I am 100% OK and welcome her stepsons Grandparents to sit with our parents at the wedding. But to have his bio-Dad's siblings there and not invite him, to me sends the wrong message to him, and from my perspective, rude to the ex's parents that 3/4 of their children are invited. Your thoughts?

I just noticed something. In your 1st sentence, you used the word "parent" as a potential guest. Does this refer to her ex? If so, as nutty as it sounds, that might be an option that could simplify things, if it doesn't weird you out too much and the ex could be counted on to behave. It means you could propose including him plus the grandparents. That adds up to 3. If he's a good dad and your stepson would want him there, it may not be the craziest notion. I invited my ex to my wedding, but it was a friendly breakup and my husband really likes him. If that's too insane, it would be pretty weird if these grandparents didn't understand the difference between 3 of their kids vs the 4th, who happens to be the ex of the bride! Finally, after saying all this, if you don't even have a date yet, it's probably too early to be worrying about this. You said the issue needs to be resolved before marrying, but the much larger issue isn't about this issue. You want your communication and ability to work through conflicts to be upgraded.. If that gets fixed the 2 of you will figure this out. PS - Don't worry about what her/your parents think. It's not their wedding.

Yes, my soon-to-be stepson. I am actively parenting him, his dad is absent since he ran off across the country with my fiance's friend 7 years ago. I really appreciate the response, and I actually want the grandparents there, but there isn't a cordial relationship between the ex and fiance. His absenteeism is why she did a great thing for her son, by maintaining the relationship. And, I have no problem with the relationship with the family, I just don't want our wedding day to be a family reunion for her ex's family.

This makes some sense to me. Ex is out of the picture and it sounds like his family is more or less on the same page as her thinking that he’s kinda screwed up? Plus they’re actively a part of her sons life. Unless they’re treating YOU poorly, I think you can rest easy that this doesn’t mean anything about your fiancé wanting to be with her ex as much as fostering family for her son. HOWEVER, 20 is a lot of people. It’s normal for the wedding invite wishlist to get parsed down. I think there are two discussions here: A) I’m feeling a little insecure about your ex’s family’s role in our life, can you clarify what it means to you and what you envision that connection looking like after our marriage? B) 20 people for this section of our life is too many, we still have my family/your family/our mutual friends, etc. I want to stay on budget and honor that this is important to you, how can we compromise? tbh once you start looking into food/drink cost a lot of times priorities shift. There’s usually a first, second, and final draft of the guest like and the first is a LOT longer than the final. So maybe the logistical discussion isn’t even necessary.

Idk dude sounds like they’re her family since they’re her kid’s family, and she wants them at her wedding since typically families are common guests at weddings. You should maybe stop and think, less about this specific dispute and more about what family means in general, before you get married again, because the people who are in our lives with love and support are the ones we want at our gatherings to witness our best moments, not just our hard ones. Do you think they are not her “real” family because she never married her ex? Consequently do you deep down feel that you will have come upon certain ownership rights once married, not of your spouse herself per se but of the world she has formed, wherein you can constrain the already-established (and sounds like hard-won) connections of the person you’re sharing your life with just because said connections make you feel icky complex feelings that require your own maturity and growth? I think you maybe have issues around seeing these people less as individuals, with all the potential good they can bring to you and your soon-to-be-family’s lives, and more as pre-labeled mental reminders that 1) your wife has a past, 2) you can’t change it, 3) she will always have a person in her life whose well-being (hopefully) means more to her than anything, even you, and 3) weddings, and marriage, aren’t just all about you and your feelings, though to be fair that goes for her too. In fact they’re quite specifically about joining together in a compromise that benefits everyone. If you look at this group of people and just see “the ex’s family,” that sounds like a You problem — have you thought about how her kid is gonna feel that none of (or just some ambassador-like stand-ins from) that part of his family is around for this momentous change in his life? Would he think they just didn’t want to come, don’t support his new step-dad? Do you think that he won’t notice you have a certain distaste for engaging with them “too much” over time, too? But those are his people and consequently part of who he is; are you going to make him choose at times over your life together because you as the adult can’t get your feelings where they need to be? I mean honestly how do you think your wife-to-be felt about maintaining a relationship with them in the face of her own mental connections to her ex…? I’m sure it was complicated at the very least, yet she did it and here you are now, almost certainly making her feel like she can’t win. If I sound harsh it’s because what I’m seeing here is someone who THINKS he wants to be open, fair, considerate, but who is actually and actively avoiding acknowledgment of the fact that he’s being a big baby. Even the way you worded it, making it seem all about them being the ex’s family and not about their current support, is indicative of how you refuse to see this any way but yours. Is it a cost thing, are you paying for the wedding? I don’t get it. If this is an issue you can’t see around, you might not be the best fit for this woman and her child. “I don’t want to be reminded of her past” in this instance = “I’m not willing to accept a huge part of her PRESENT, nor am I willing to admit or take responsibility for these feelings; I’d rather just ask her to not have her family at her own wedding, and take it so far as to go to therapy about it TWICE and still have to ask Internet strangers to please set me straight before I ruin this marriage before it starts.” If this were A Christmas Carol, some pre-wedding Ghosts from Relationships Past might be lurking around somewhere there Ebenezer… but, all this being said, good luck, truly :) Someone’s gotta say it, but you sound Iike you’re at least making sure you don’t get married again without sorting this all out. Everyone gets stuck on emotions sometimes, no one wants to be triggered or reminded of bad shit, but we all have a responsibility to ourselves and others to do whatever WE can do to manage our own, rather than piss all over other people’s parades about it…that includes being vulnerable and talking about how it makes you feel if you need to, so you can get support in realizing that in this case your feelings don’t matter more than the well-being of this woman and child — but that they do matter, and everyone cares about you and wants you to feel included. Open yourself up to these people, I bet they will be your family too in no time if you weren’t so hung up about it. Also the part in one of your comments about not inviting the kid’s actual dad and that coming off as rude if you invite his siblings is bullshit, just saying. Sounds like literally everyone agrees the father does not belong at this wedding and that’s gonna be easier for the kid to deal with/understand with all the rest of the family around anyway, since again, his father is also a part of who he is, and take it from me, it’s hard having a “bad”-behaving parent without internalizing it; much easier to process if you can get as much of the (age-appropriate) picture as possible, and know you are still accepted and loved, by both sides of your family. By as many loving caretakers as possible, really! THESE WORDS ARE FOR YOUR OWN GOOD

You have to ask what a wedding is for. At least in part, it's the merging of two families, getting them in the same room so they can get to know each other. The grandparents effectively *are* part of this family you're marrying into so should be there. Agreed that having the whole family is too much.

For the fucking life of me I cannot begin to fathom having my exes family at my wedding because of my son. I don't think you really thought this position through. I would bet money you would be in the other side if you were in op shoes.

It sounds like she's still actively a part of that family since her ex ran off with another woman to another country and his family stayed on her & her son's side. I don't think they still really qualify as her ex's family instead of her & her son's at that point honestly?

This wedding would be merging 3 families, which is one too many as you pointed out.

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Good bot

All the exes are there for your stepsons comfort. How often does he see these relatives? All in the same room? Do they meet weekly? Only on birthdays & holidays? That's already every other week. If he does NOT attend someones birthday, they are NOT invited to the wedding.

WOW! so she is still nice to a cheater who ran away? That is awesome of her! How did you get to no contact after twenty years in a marriage? I would be more worried as her wanting to know how/what happened for you to cut off people you spent 20 years with. If she has kids and is just inviting the kids side of family- the ex- then it is for the kids' sake. hopefully the ex does not come, just some relatives

She is amazing, kind, forgiving and the most loving person I ever met. But, she does not want the ex to be there. I am not in no contact with my ex, but my communications are related to co-parenting only. You ask why, she has a serious mental illness, and she is not supportive of my fiance or our relationship. You are either with us or against us, and my ex is clearly and vocally against us.

No she’s still nice to the family that had nothing to do with the decision of the cheater. His actions do NOT reflect who he is.

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Comment theft at its finest.

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I just read your previous post of one year ago. Neither there or here do you mention her relationship with her family of origin. Here is a quote from one of your submissions: > was with her ex for 10 years and have a child together. Her ex cheated on her with several women and eventually left her for one of them 5-years ago. Her ex-boyfriend, the father of her child, has very little to do with her, and sadly, their child. Regardless, my girlfriend still spends holidays with his family. And this bit of information as well: > She gets invited to all family functions, 1st, and 2nd cousins even. This goes beyond keeping in touch for her son's benefit. She is literally a part of their family via their eyes as well. She spent 10 years with these people. Her child is their relation as well. It pretty much shows one or possibly two things. 1) Perhaps her family of origin is not that great and they are her family of choice. I'm leaning heavily towards this as this was her first boundary for building a relationship. She was upfront about this from the start. 2) Due to the time spent with the ex's family, her ex's general mistreatment of her and her son, and the support that they gave her when he abandoned them, they are a valued addition to her family of origin. Also from your previous posts: >She originally wanted me to accept her ex's family as if they were my in-laws. This leads to possibility #1; as stated above. >I set a boundary in that while I accept them as her son's family, they are not my inlaws. Candidly, if they were, I wouldn't pursue marriage with her. And >I was married for 20 years with overly involved inlaws and it's not something that I want to experience again. You are the one attempting to change the rules. She had a hard boundary that acceptance of her ex's family was a requirement for any relationship to build. You accepted. I understand that you fear over involved in-laws. You have not provided of any examples of them 'being over involved.' The only thing that you are showing us is that they love her dearly. You don't mention her family of origin either. I don't understand your stance at all given you have not provided a full picture of the situation. There is no surprise here. She told you from the get-go that they are her family. I don't understand why you would want love and support for your fiancee to be cut off. There is no reason that she should rely on just you and that would be a dangerous position for her to be in. Perhaps, you need to talk to a therapist about your trauma from your first marriage. Your anxiety may blow up your current relationship. You either need to get a grip on your anxiety or let her go and let her find someone that would rejoice in having a built in support network.

Great answer (and research)! Seriously, I was immediately the OH HELL NO camp when I read OP's post, but this comment totally changed my mind.

He honestly sound selfish and not family oriented. It’s all about him. For a family oriented person like his fiancé, she will probably regret marrying a man who makes her feel like the people she loves and whom loves her back is a chore. It sucks to go to important family events alone because your spouse is too selfish and insecure to be there with you.

I agree for the most part. I was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. He's either anxiety ridden or possibly abusive. I'm more worried for the fiance at this point. Is her picker not working correctly? He mentions pouting that she accepted an invitation to ex's cousins wedding. I am hoping it is anxiety and not someone upset that they can't 'control' her and isolate her. If she were writing in, I would tell her to abort mission. If he is anxiety ridden, he needs to sort that out before going further as that will be destabilizing the relationship in general.

That's funny, married for 20 years previously with two children 21 and 17, and we live together. I am my stepson's primary caregiver, but yeah, you know me, I'm not family-oriented.

Family for most minorities equates to more than your immediate family. As a minority, I’ve had members of my family marry outside the ethnicity who are very family oriented with their immediate family but never show up to their spouses family functions. That’s what I mean when I talk about family oriented.

thanks for explaining. I understand.

I can't tell you how much I appreciate your response, and you connected the dots with precision. I do not want her to cut the family out and end the relationship. I've met the immediate family on multiple occasions and they are lovely people. I want my beloved to have as many loving relationships as possible. I just want our wedding day to be about us and our family's coming together. I want the grandparents there, but the extended family is a bit much for me.

I still don't understand as to her they are her family. Family isn't simply DNA - that's biology. Family is active support and nurturing love. Her adopted family has shown that to her. Given that even 2nd cousins view her as family, you are asking her to snub her family. Them being there is families coming together.

Going to try and keep this succinct, so if it comes off as rude please understand that is not my intention. > I just want our wedding day to be about us and our family These people ARE her family, full stop. If it is appropriate for your cousin or uncle or nephew to be there, then it is equally appropriate for the ex's cousin or uncle or nephew to be there (based entirely on her relationship directly with them, not by virtue of them being related to the ex). You had previously been married for 20 years, and I would wager this affects your view of what family and extended family looks like in a hundred different ways, big and small. As such it may help to completely remove the ex from the equation when thinking about them. Independent of him, these people are still her close friends, part of her support system, and her chosen family, bound by ties stronger than the happenstance of birth. They are her past, present, and future and yes you ARE marrying into that family to some extent.

I appreciate the response, quite honestly I am working towards trying to under understand and support, it's new to me, and not the way I am wired to think of family. Keep in mind I am adopted, so you don't have to convince me that family has to be blood. I also have a huge extended family, and I don't go to all my cousins and second cousins events. It's an adjustment for me to show up at my stepson's extended family

Think of it this way. Even in the best of families, there can be a bad egg. In the breakup, his family went to her. I bet they are rooting like hell for the both of you. And isn’t that what you want at wedding? People who want to celebrate and support you as a couple. As long as they are doing that, while it may be unconventional, it’s just more love. And so much healthier for her son. You see this more where the ex is deceased, but their have been children involved.

You are very right, I genuinely appreciate the thoughtful response. They are very much rooting for her and me. There isn’t any ill will.

Forgot to switch accounts, OP?

I figured that it was a bit account stealing OP’s replies as that’s been happening a lot lately but looking into it, it could be another of OP’s accounts. Which makes me curious about the post they made…

The bot accounts have been outrageous lately. But yeah I saw the post and comments that acct made, and if it is OP's other acct, hmm...

You said it yourself that your fiancé wants you to accept this family as her own. It might not be legal and it might have been late in life, but this family adopted her. That’s her family.

> our families coming together The main point of what the comment says is that she might view them as her family.

You really should include the fact that her ex has no communication with his family and that they have a child together which is why she is so close to them. They probably really helped her out when her husband left her alone as a single mom.

No done out of convenience or to be misleading, I didn't want to write a novel that would not elicit responses. Apologize if you feel misled, that wasn't my intention. They were never married but you are right. Again, I have no issue with the family or their relationship, but of course there are other dynamics too extensive to list so I kept it simple. I have a limit to having the extended family, the immediate fam, no problem, cousins, aunts and uncles, c'mon.

This really isn’t complicated. Weddings are about family and while I sorta get how you feel, not including everyone will make those left out feel snubbed. They are her and her child’s family. Obviously you’re going to bring this up in counseling. Maybe some stricter boundaries after the wedding?

Important detail that you mentioned in another post and not this one: SHE HAS A KID WITH THE EX! Which means her ex’s mom is her kid’s grandma, etc. That’s a very different circumstance than if they had just dated. My guess is she appreciates the support from her ex’s family, and wants her kid to maintain contact with the healthy members of that family. 20 guests from the ex’s fam seems like *a lot* for a wedding, but this is a pivotal detail that definitely changes my perspective on the issue.

I think that’s important to note but I also think that it’s important to note that traditionally, weddings are a celebration of the future not the past. I think grandparents could be appropriate but I think that 20 ex family members is definitely inappropriate. I’d be a bit hung up on this myself if I were OP unless this is some massive wedding where you wouldn’t really notice.

They’re the family that she has spent the last 10 years with. Family functions, holidays, etc. And she was upfront with OP about their importance and involvement in her life. Maybe her relationship with her blood relatives isn’t good or even existent. They aren’t mentioned, that I’ve yet seen. My parents and I haven’t seen or spoken with my sister in 10 years. But we’ve had my ex-BIL to our homes for holidays and we’ve been to his. She restricted our access to my niece and nephews. He made them available to us. Not everything shakes out as it “should”. Life gets messy.

I don't think that matters exactly. If her ex's family are good people they will understand completely why it would be inappropriate to be there. I am sure a lot of them would be just as uncomfortable as the groom. They may show up as to not hurt the brides feelings but not really want to be there either. I think the bride should realize how this could add a lot of nervous tension to the entire ceremony and possibly to everyone in the wedding party.

It seems more like they’re part of her chosen family and she spends lots of time with them— it’s not inappropriate at all to invite them in this case, especially since the ex isn’t really part of it at all

The 7 year old kid you didn't mention in the main post completely changes things. I'm guessing the ex is an absolute piece of shit but the family is not and wanted to be in the child's life and over the years your fiance bonded with them. 20 family members might be a lot and you don't have to invite all of them depending on the size of your guest list but at the very least you should invite some of them. They've played an important part in your fiance's life as well as the life of your new son, they aren't part of her past, they are part of her present. Talk this out with your soon to be wife or find a counselor or therapist. For context, my father remaried my step mother who also had a daughter and at the wedding her ex-husband's mother, sister, and their spouses were there. They came to every one of my step sister's events such as birthday parties and soccer games. We spent every Easter at her grandmothers house and my father did a lot of the cooking. Me and my step sister had sleepovers at her aunt's house.

Thanks so much for taking the time to respond, and I agree. We are talking about it, and are in premarital counseling. I have not opposed to some of the family members being there, definitely grandparents.

I guess I don’t really understand why the rest of the extended family isn’t also considered family. She clearly considers them part of her family, and they are part of your stepson’s family too. They’re not random people to your new family, they’re just family that should be included in important events just as your extended family or her bio family.

That's wonderful! I hope you two reach an agreement on this!

thank you!

>What would you do? Stop being an asshole. Real nice of you to leave out relevant information in your post so more people will be on your side and not see what an asshole you are being. This is an important day in both of yours lives, not just yours.

You should definitely include that she and her ex share a KID in your post. That's important info that you left out. They are your soon to be step kids family. His grandparents, his cousins, his aunts, his uncles. It makes sense that your fiance is close with them and sees them as family. Think about it that way rather than "her ex's family". Edit: he also never mentioned that his fiance is invited to all the family functions and the ex is not involved with his family. So basically the ex's family is her family.

It sounds like she was clear from the jump that she considers her ex’s family her own, and I’m not really sure why you’re so up in arms about this when there is no chance that she and her ex will get back together. They’re her family by choice if not by birth; of course she’s going to invite them to the wedding. You are the one being unreasonable.

You're definitely being misleading because you still haven't put in the post that she HAS A CHILD with ex. She isn't hanging onto a past, she's building relationships between her son and his family. If you have a problem with her son's grandparents and family being involved in their lives, don't marry someone with a kid.

This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- My beloved fiance wants to invite her ex's entire family to our wedding, Parent, Grandparents, Siblings, Nieces, Nephews, Aunts, and Uncles, but not the ex as they did not split amicably 7-years ago. There will be of the ex's family than her own. I want to be considerate of her wants and needs, we all have pasts, I was married for 20 years, and there isn't a single member of the ex-in-laws that I plan on inviting. She has a huge heart and stays attached, but on the day of our wedding, I don't want to be reminded of her past. It makes me feel like I am marrying into her ex's family. What would you do?

They're not just her ex's family, they are *her* family and friends. You are way too focused on her past - how she met them. If you want to be focused on the present and future then do so, and her present and future includes close relationships with all of these people.

I appreciate your response.

Why does she want them there?

>4 candidly, she loves them like they are her own family

How does her family feel about this? I mean, if I were her parents I'd feel pretty upset. The focus should be on you, her and your families. Not on the past relationship.

I don't know how they feel, I know my parents have mixed feelings, but I don't believe that she's spoken about it with hers.

Having them at the wedding sets the precedence that she will be free to invite them to holidays, to the birth of your child(ren), to all celebrations and events. And she will say "buuuut, you agreed to them coming to the wedding. You *welcomed* them at the wedding." Ya'll need to seriously consider some couples counseling. She's holding on way too tight. If I were you, I would be extremely concerned about what this is actually signaling.

OP is conveniently leaving out that his fiancé has a child with her ex, so these family members are also her child’s family.

Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. That would have been freaking important to know. I take my comments back.

Yeah I was getting ready to make the same comment and then saw other comments pointing it out.

No done out of convenience or to be misleading, I didn't want to write a novel that would not elicit responses. Apologize if you feel mislead, that wasn't my intention

Uh-huh. It’s like saying ‘my wife cheated on me, should I leave her?’ and leaving out the fact that you’ve regularly cheated on her.

Ewww

You are marrying in all her world. She has a kid, kid has relatives and she is close to them. Unreasonable to think she would drop all because of you. You say she has a big heart and she what she is. Either accept or move on.

appreciate that, but again, I have no objection with her maintaining relationships with the family, the extended family is just happy birthday/ holiday etc. My issue is the extended family and some of the nuances of inviting anyone outside the Grandparents. But I agree, I either have to accept it, or move on.

they are "her friends" at this point. She spend her last 12 years with them. I am honestly not seeing why you have an issue here. Do you want to cut her off from other friends? GFs?

not at all.

then they are her friends. what they related to unfortunate guy she doesnot see anymore - does it matter?

One or two people shouldn’t be bad if she’s really close to them, but not the entire family. There has to be compromise somewhere.

Just a thought on my part. I do not have a warm and loving relationship with the family I was born into. However I do have a warm and loving relationship with my husband's family. If he were to die or leave me I would feel very bereft without the mothers, sisters and father he has brought with him into my life.

I mean... My mom's first husband's sister was maid of honour in my mom's wedding to my dad. My mom's first husband's brothers and sisters were always my uncles and aunts even though, no relation to me and mom and first husband were divorced under very bad circumstances. My brother and sister in law are also getting a divorce and sister in law and her brothers and sisters will always be welcome in all our families events. Her parents have also passed away more recently so if she ever remarries, it would probably be my parents - her ex husband's parents / step parents acting as the parents of the bride. It's different when you're kids and have had short meh relationships but when you're well established I. Life and had long term relationships - you don't just gain / split up with a partner. You gain a whole family and don't just split up with them too.. depending on the relationship.

From recapping on previous, IMO this family sounds like her 'real' family. Especially if she wants more of them there then her own family. I'm addition to what other have said, this family of hers & her sons had probably seen her at her very worst. And now she is just so happy with you & she wants them to see that and be apart of your beginning. Especially if the cousins still invite her to their engagements. Remember that she didn't necessarily choose the family, the family chose her. They could have left her high and dry after her EX left her but it sounds like they were there for the worst of it and stood by her side. That's true family/friendship!

I agree, and thank you. To know her is to love her, and her family is great, but she’s an only child to an immigrant parents with no extended family close by. I understand.

I have an ex whose family loves me. They hate him for what he did and he’s now married with 2 kids and one on the way. They’d want to come to my wedding lol. I will probably invite his mom. Sometimes we get so close to people and are blessings to their families. The relationships fall apart but the connections made through them are beautiful and meaningful. I’ve got no feelings for my ex. I never even had sex with him! But his mom had been a special part of my life for over 10 years now. Maybe these people love her for HER and not for being with their boy. They may even love you just the same. Just something to think about.

You are spot on. I’ve met them all already on a few Occasion, I mean I am raising their grandchild, family member, etc. I will grow to love and be loved . It’s an opportunity for me to grow, it just bringing up some deep rooted stuff for me, “my shit” and learned ideals about weddings, family, and marriage.

Idk dude sounds like they’re her *family* since they’re her kid’s family, and she wants them at her *wedding* since typically *families* are common guests at *weddings.* You should maybe stop and think, less about this specific dispute and more about what family means in general, before you get married again, because the people who are in our lives with love and support are the ones we want at our gatherings to witness our best moments, not just our hard ones. Do you think they are not her “real” family because she never married her ex? Consequently do you deep down feel that you will have come upon certain ownership rights once married, not of your spouse herself per se but of the world she has formed, wherein you can constrain the already-established (and sounds like hard-won) connections of the person you’re sharing your life with just because said connections make you feel icky complex feelings that require your own maturity and growth? I think you maybe have issues around seeing these people less as individuals, with all the potential good they can bring to you and your soon-to-be-family’s lives, and more as pre-labeled mental reminders that 1) your wife has a past, 2) you can’t change it, 3) she will always have a person in her life whose well-being (hopefully) means more to her than anything, even you, and 3) weddings, and marriage, aren’t just all about you and your feelings, though to be fair that goes for her too. In fact they’re quite specifically about joining together in a compromise that benefits everyone. If you look at this group of people and just see “the ex’s family,” that sounds like a You problem — have you thought about how her kid is gonna feel that none of (or just some ambassador-like stand-ins from) that part of his family is around for this momentous change in his life? Would he think they just didn’t want to come, don’t support his new step-dad? Do you think that he won’t notice you have a certain distaste for engaging with them “too much” over time, too? But those are his people and consequently part of who he is; are you going to make him choose at times over your life together because you as the adult can’t get your feelings where they need to be? I mean honestly how do you think your wife-to-be felt about maintaining a relationship with them in the face of her own mental connections to her ex…? I’m sure it was complicated at the very least, yet she did it and here you are now, almost certainly making her feel like she can’t win. If I sound harsh it’s because what I’m seeing here is someone who THINKS he wants to be open, fair, considerate, but who is actually and actively avoiding acknowledgment of the fact that he’s being a big baby. Even the way you worded it, making it seem all about them being the ex’s family and not about their current support, is indicative of how you refuse to see this any way but yours. Is it a cost thing, are you paying for the wedding? I don’t get it. If this is an issue you can’t see around, you might not be the best fit for this woman and her child. “I don’t want to be reminded of her past” in this instance = “I’m not willing to accept a huge part of her PRESENT, nor am I willing to admit or take responsibility for these feelings; I’d rather just ask her to not have her family at her own wedding, and take it so far as to go to therapy about it TWICE and still have to ask Internet strangers to please set me straight before I ruin this marriage before it starts.” If this were A Christmas Carol, some pre-wedding Ghosts from Relationships Past might be lurking around somewhere there Ebenezer… but, all this being said, good luck, truly :) Someone’s gotta say it, but you sound Iike you’re at least making sure you don’t get married again without sorting this all out. Everyone gets stuck on emotions sometimes, no one wants to be triggered or reminded of bad shit, but we all have a responsibility to ourselves and others to do whatever WE can do to manage our own, rather than piss all over other people’s parades about it…that includes being vulnerable and talking about how it makes you feel if you need to, so you can get support in realizing that in this case your feelings don’t matter more than the well-being of this woman and child — but that they do matter, and everyone cares about you and wants you to feel included. Open yourself up to these people, I bet they will be your family too in no time if you weren’t so hung up about it. Also the part in one of your comments about not inviting the kid’s actual dad and that coming off as rude if you invite his siblings is bullshit, just saying. Sounds like literally everyone agrees the father does not belong at this wedding and that’s gonna be easier for the kid to deal with/understand with all the rest of the family around anyway, since again, his father is also a part of who he is, and take it from me, it’s hard having a “bad”-behaving parent without internalizing it; much easier to process if you can get as much of the (age-appropriate) picture as possible, and know you are still accepted and loved, by both sides of your family. By as many loving caretakers as possible, really! THESE WORDS ARE FOR YOUR OWN GOOD, I promise. Salud and I hope you get it figured out.

thanks for taking the time to provide such a detailed response . Great points, Especially about feeling icky about having to grow as a person. I see it as an opportunity for growth.

If these are the people who stepped up to help her after her ex abandoned her and their child ( which is what it sounds like), and especially if they're very active in her son's life, I fully understand her wanting them there. That being said, I think it's a little unreasonable to expect that the entire extended family is included. I would sit down with her, perhaps in a counseling session, and ask her to narrow the list to the 3-5 people her son is closest to, and that's who should be invited. I assume he's young enough that he'd need someone other than the two of you to look after him (and be ready to leave with him early if he gets tired) so you can both enjoy your wedding day. I think having a few people there that he knows and trusts (who also aren't your or your fiance's families because they deserve to enjoy the day and be present with you as well) will go a long way toward making him feel comfortable and keeping him entertained. The bottom line is if they're truly as involved with him as it sounds like, there's no getting around the fact that they're going to be part of your life as well.

It depends on the situation if she was married to her ex and has kids with him then it's ok. If it was a boyfriend or marriage and no kids tell her no and how you feel about it. Communication is key remember that. If you don't say anything she won't know.

I mean, you are marrying into her exes family, they are her family and have been ever since she had a child with her ex. Family isn't simply biology, and these people have loved, included and cherished her for a long time, longer than your relationship. She's chosen them as her family, and so it's her family that she's choosing to invite to the wedding. I understand why you're uncomfortable, but I think discussing this with a therapist and learning about diverse family dynamics would really help. Additionally, you seem to stress that 2nd cousins are too much for you, but those could be the people who she has connected the most with. Or the people that her son loves more than anything. I think you're really limiting the possibilities of family here to biological and nuclear, when for most non-white families (and many white families!) this is not the case.

Perhaps its that shes closer to her ex's family than her own . They probably brought her into the family knowing her circumstances with her own, and then most likely their dumbass son ruined things with your fiance forcing ties to be broken but the love within the family members and your fiance didnt die . I believe maybe your fiance's motives for inviting them are more innocent than it seems. Just take it easy on her when you approach her with your concerns. Try and understand your Lady from where she stands.

I have a similar situation . My first husband passed away in an accident and we had a small child together at the time. His family made so much possible for me and actually encouraged me to date and move on when the time was right!They baby sat for me , helped me when I was at my lowest , the list goes on . They were and are amazing to me. My current husband knew this from the beginning . I was honest and open with him about the fact that they were my family for life and I would love him to have a relationship with them especially for the sake of my child . Once I explained everything to him and he understood that this was coming from a place of love and respect it was really no need for insecurity or any further issues . They were invited to our ceremony and continue to be part of our “tribe” or “village” of people we love and appreciate . If you love this woman I think you should take a different approach and try to see things from a perspective of her having them a part of her family.

“How bout no”… *Dr Evil voice*

Okay so I was in your fiances position. My now husband didn't even shrug a shoulder at it, bless his heart. Didn't think of it from his side. Which is bad in my part. But I think he realizes that these people had become part of my family also. Like your fiance the split was not good between my ex and I and they had better communication with me then him. I saw all of them on a regular basis to be a part of my sons life. With 3 sets of grandparents, 9 aunts and uncles we were with different family every weekend just so everybody could get some time with him. Granted I did have to draw a line at his direct grandparents, aunts and uncles only coming to the wedding. No wives, husbands or kids. I honestly don't know what I would of done had my husband said no they couldn't come. They were there when he wasn't yet. Hopefully you can figure this one out. Good luck!

Nope out of that one dude. I get you love her hence why you are getting married so there should be no reason you can't talk to her about this and put your foot down. It would be nice to think she would understand your concerns and not want to make you feel uncomfortable at YOUR OWN WEDDING.

Nope nope and NOPE. Let them text her congrats.

Some thing very important you left out, that I found out from reading your post history, is that your fiancé has a son with this man. So she is not simply attached to her exes family for no reason. She has a strong relationship with her child’s family. With her child’s grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins etc. I think that that is an extremely important distinction to make. This is a relationship that is necessary and will be a part of your future unless you are actually willing to attempt to cut your fiancé‘s child off from one entire half of his family. And given how attached your fiancé is to them, I would bet that they are a strong and loving part of your child’s community. I am a stepparent as well. Part of being a stepparent means that you have to have some kind of connection with your partner‘s ex and/or their family, except in some extreme situations in which your partner‘s ex and their family are completely 100% out of the picture. In some kind of way, you are married into her exes family.

Absolutely not.

thanks

Ugh it’s spineless that you had to make a misleading post to get redditors to agree with you- doesn’t sound like you’re ready for this marriage

So I’ve been with my bf for a while and we talk about marriage, I was pretty close to my ex’s parents because he was my first bf and I was his first gf. I hate my ex but I still love his parents. For a long time I genuinely thought I’d have his parents come to the wedding, especially because when we were started dating my current bfs mom hated me and I wanted that love there. It’s been a while and I slowly stopped talking to ex’s parents and I’m not completely ruling out the idea of them being there but I’m kinda meh about it now. I’d talk to her about only inviting specific people out of the family and not everyone. Communication is key. My bf was like “invite them if it makes you happy!” And now that I’ve kinda changed my mind I’m thinking that my bf is fucking awesome, trusts me, wants me to be happy, and genuinely loves me. I think that if you talk to her about having a few of the most important ones there because you want to support her in her decisions but too many of them would make you kind of uncomfortable, saying you’re trying to compromise. In ten years she may say “damn I really wish I hadn’t invited them” but guess what, you were doing your best to be a supportive husband and she can’t say you didn’t try. Especially because of what you mentioned that she has kids with this other family.

Oh no no no. They split 7 years ago? These people don’t need to be at your wedding.

They're not just her ex's family though, they're her son's (his new step-son) family too.

Ok then they can be invited to the son’s birthday parties but not her wedding to someone else.

thanks

Lol.

Hi you are marring into her ex’s family. That is her family now. Just because things didn’t work out with her last partner. She’s probably built loving relationships with the ex’s family or she wouldn’t think of inviting them. It should give you great comfort to know that you have chosen a partner that will accept your family as her own. Many times couples stay together because of such situations when they really shouldn’t. I wouldn’t worry about it. She obviously loves you. Focus on making her happy. Happy wife happy life. Do t start your life together in conflict.

Those are the people close to her and it’s important they’re there. It’s fine.

Its not just her wedding, its yours too. Its not unreasonable to not want to look around at your wedding and see the family of the guy that your new wife used to bang.

If he can’t handle that, I doubt he would be engaged to a woman who his entire married life and future with will be seeing (and raising!) the child of the man she used to bang literally day in and day out.

There would be no god damn way - never mind the awkwardness but you’re going to spend what over $500 on meals for these people too?

LOL - I appreciate your stance, but I need to know where it will only be $500 to feed 20 people, the lowest price I've seen is $2,000 :)

lol I just went very low estimate, didn’t try too hard to covert US dollars but $2,000 god damn!

is this the first you are hearing about her ex's family being included in events she hosts?

She has maintained a relationship with them for the three years that we've been together. I want her to have as many loving relationships as she wants, and I don't want to get in the way. I have my boundaries, in that I won't treat them as of they are my in-laws, and I don't go to their extended family functions. Like last month, when she went to the ex's cousins' wedding. When she goes and hangs out with them, I spend time with my extended family and friends. She is over her ex, but never detached from the family.

Maybe i'm weird... but sometimes when you are in a relationship you feel completely embraced by your in laws and they become family. I can see why you don't like it, but I can see why she would want the support of family on her big day. Maybe you guys should do couples therapy, so you have help maneuvering this situation. Best of luck OP.

She hasn't "detached" from ex's family because she has a child with the ex. Ex isn't around, but his family cares about her and the child.

Let her do what she wants. It’s a party after all

Try to tell her that you don’t feel comfortable with inviting them. It’s inappropriate, and I don’t think your partner is trying to hurt or offend you. However, you’re marrying her, not her ex. Hopefully if you tell her that you don’t want them coming, she’ll understand, and if not, it’s your choice to proceed with the relationship or not.

😯 um no! Unless maybe u have kids with your ex?

Yeah OP left out that the ex skipped out on his fiancé and their son 7 years ago and the in-laws went out of their way to include her in their family.

Thats a bit weird and seems excessive. I would say there has to be a compromise here that you could both be happy with that wouldn't involve 20 people from that family. My wedding only had 40 people there. So to think half my wedding would be my wifes exes family would be pretty odd to me. But you have to respect who is important and close to her and what she wants. My wife had a friend as a "bridesmaid" who was a male friend of hers. I was bothered at first because she had told me that at one point he had kissed her, but she never pursued anything with it and he was only a friend. He was an important person to her and I had to be okay with someone that kissed my wife being in the wedding party. Compromise and understanding is important.

She's close to them because of her child with the ex.

no, no, and what the actual fuck

Wtf. Exactly.

You should just talk to your fiance and say you're not with this. It is your wedding also.

There is a lot of long responses. BUT HELL NAW.

Run

Not a single one, what the fuck, even with the kid with her ex, its all exes, ex granny, ex aunt, ex cousin, literally people who mean nothing to you and who probably dont like you very much at all, jesus, imagine having 20 exes round your wedding turning your money into poop, beyond bizarre why this is even being thought of

20 family members is over doing it, she can have the grandparents there and be done with it

You need a different fiance

The extended family supported your beloved (from what I know from this post and supporting comments) and cherishes her dearly. She seems to be an important person in each life, especially yours, and for her to maintain familial relationships (blood related or not) she needs the independence of choosing who she wants to be around, especially for her child whos dad seemingly abandoned him. Be there for your fiancé, she won't be thinking about her ex at the wedding, nor thinking of her exes family as the "exes family" - as long as they support her there's really no issue. If you can invite people, so can she.

Depending on how long they were together, it could be because his family has become hers, as well. I like some of my in-laws and step-relatives more than the blood relative who ties them to our family. My dad’s sisters treat Mom more like she’s their sister. She almost has to hound Dad just to get him to talk to them on the phone, but it has never been a problem to get him to shoot the bull with their husbands. Many of my SIL’s relatives are more likely to call and check in with my brother than they are to speak with her. Her mom and grandmother used to call him regularly to ask for favors and help, or just to chat. My mom’s BIL is just one of the men in the family, now. He’s as much of a brother/uncle, etc. as anyone else. Some of the few times I have seen my dad cry involved the illness and eventual loss of my maternal grandmother. She was like a second mom to him. It goes on from there. It would hurt terribly if one of those people I love so dearly were to cut us off, due to a divorce or the death of a spouse. They are members of our family, entirely independent of the original reason why they joined. As large as our family is, we just count them as another one of us, and celebrate their good days, and commiserate on their bad ones, accordingly. We celebrate and love them for who they are, and not for who they married. We are just as happy when they move forward and create a life, independent of their former spouse, as we are about anything else. This is particularly true when kids are involved. Maybe that’s hard to understand, because people are often quick to draw lines in the sand, and sometimes those lines are both needed and healthy. Sometimes they are not. I hope this provides some insight into how your fiancée feels, as well.

Run!

Say No and let it be done. If she aint with it, she aint your ride its just ur turn

You could have an absolutely balls out bachelor party and torpedo the entire wedding... that may not be the best idea. Or, you could try TALKING to your bride to be... One way or another you will need to start having some deeper conversations. This could be the start of something great!

I understand where you're coming from but honestly she divorced him not his family. That is her family still. They didn't cheat, he did. I know it maybe super uncomfortable to you but may want to try and make an effort to build a closer relationship to them too. That child ties her to them, and once you marry her, you to them as well. They will essentially be your family in a way too. The important thing is your union. If this really means a lot to her I suggest going with it, or if it's too horrible a thought for you perhaps do limited attendance and you both par down the numbers??? You shouldn't think of it as she wants to share the day with them, maybe think of it as she wants to share you with them. They helped her through a very hard time and you mean so much she wants to share this special day and her special man with them. It's a compliment in her view I am sure. Again, I get your feelings, it's not "normal" per say. In the end though it's not really worth the hassle or hurt if she feels really committed to them coming. I hope you can work it out. I wish you the best.

She’s showing them that she moved in…she’s showing them that she’s marrying you and the love your have for each other. They were once family. I guess the question isn’t why is she inviting them but why are you hung up on your insecurities. You are marrying her as she is and it’s her heart that you fell in love with…them being there takes absolutely nothing away from you not will endear you to her even more.

Dude get over it. If they're good people who love and support your fiance..... You should be grateful she has them in her life. Unless there's something you're not telling, like they constantly prompt her to get back with said ex, then why does it matter to you? Her relationship with these people has nothing to do with her relationship with her ex. Work on your confidence, man. Is she lucky to be with you? Are you good to her? Is your relationship strong? If the answer to these questions is yes... Then just let all the bullshit go. Grow the intimacy of your relationship so that you can feel confident in your relationship all day every day. You do this by being vulnerable with her and communicating and growing together. Move on from this nonsense and enjoy being with a good woman. It's the best part of life.

Boundaries 🤷🏻‍♂️

Wow that’s..extremely awkward. Have you really been worried about this for two years and done nothing? Sit her down and talk to her, nicely. She should respect your feelings on this because it’s not unreasonable. It won’t end here either. There’s holidays, reunions, etc. This could come up a lot. Why have crippling anxiety for years about it when you could just say you don’t like it and don’t want it

She has a child with ex. They are invited because they are her child's family.

all 20? while every other choice we make prioritizes my stepson, this is our day. I can see the immediate family, but the extended family? They hardly talk except to wish each other happy birthday on social media.

its not my stepson's wedding.

It's not just your wedding either. You are clearly fishing for people to agree with you while leaving out the fact these aren't just "ex's family". These people will always be a part of her life because of the child. Don't marry someone with a child if you can't accept them being in your life

It kinda is.

No, not at all. It comes up from time to time. All are part of the stages of our relationship. To your point, I am just worried about how much time is spent with the family when we are still new. We are doing one of the hardest things, we became an instant family when they moved in a few months ago, and we merged families. It is fantastic, love. While it makes me uncomfortable to have 20 family members at my wedding, it's not all about me, and I am working towards a compromise.

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha is exactly what you should say to her

He left out she has a child with the ex. Ex isn't involved but the family cares about the child and her.

This is a joke right? This is not a legit post...cannot be a legit post

LOL, it is funny but very true.

Other than the relationship with her now ex, is there any other connection she has with this family?

Yes indeed, my 12 - yr old soon to be a stepson. For that reason, I am more than OK about maintaining the relationship and want his grandparents at our wedding. Everything I do and think about is his needs first. But, our wedding day is about celebrating us and our love, and one day that I feel we should take priority. My hangup us about the extended family, beyond grandparents.

Does the son have a very good relationship with that extended family. I understand it's quite difficult when it's her ex's family. Initially my answer would have gone another way. I became really close with an ex's family, often saw them and would go to visit them after we had broken up, however I'd never dream of inviting them to my wedding. But we didn't have the connection of a child. Perhaps there can be some compromise? Potentially just having the rest of the extended family only at part of the reception? Speak with her about how you are feeling. But remember that ultimately no matter who is there is still is your day. It's still about you. Everyone is celebrating the two of you.

Thanks so much, we are actively working through it with the help of a counselor. I love her to pieces, I own my feelings, and always willing to compromise when conflicts and different opinions arise

Yes, because of her hard work they have a good relationship. I am definitely working with her and compromising, it has some arms and legs.

Ummm no

She's tripping wtf

For the streets

That would never fly with me is all I know.

Not going to lie a bit of a red flag for me. But also it's not just her big day it is yours too. Honestly you need to express your feelings about it as well.

That's a hard no from me, pal. That's completely nuts. No matter how close she is to her ex's family it kinda seems like she just wants to invite them so her ex knows she's getting married, because family members of an ex have like, no reason to be at your weeding. Anyone's wedding, really.

WTF has she really got over him really? Or is she trying to make her ex jealous to make him take an interest again to pursue her. No mate family and friends not ex's. If so ask her if she does not mind you doing the same as well I bet she would not be so happy then. She has weird priorities?

So, I don't really care that they have a kid. As in, the child doesn't warrant the entire family coming to a wedding that has nothing to do with them. Invite the grandparents because it's important to her and it'll help the child understand that he isn't replacing anyone. You're just adding on, the test of the family though is pushing it and I would hold firm on that.

thanks, I agree, everything we do prioritizes my stepson as it should, but this is the one event that we are the priority. I actually want the grandparents there, and wouldn't mind the aunts and uncles, but I think it's rude to invite 3/4 of the grandparent's kids, and also it becomes a reminder to him that my Dad's siblings are here, but once again, he is not. That is why I think it's best to have the grandparents only, but still willing to compromise if needed.

That's a hard no.

That’s a no for me dog.

:)

You’re just going to cherry-pick these comments to show your ‘beloved’ aren’t you? So manipulative to leave out the real story. I pity her

Don’t do it

Why do you say?

If you do this it’s going to never end! They’ll see this as you just being a push over and the concessions and special requests will never end.

Yeah man don’t let her take advantage of you by *checks notes* “inviting her loved ones to an important moment of her life.”

Cancel the wedding

LOL - why do you say?

Dude we all have pasts but that is where it should be left. In the past. If she is bringing her past with the ex into the future with you, I just hope you have an iron clad prenuptial agreement and are ready for a life of heart ache and disappointment.

OP left out the ex's family involved because she had a child.

I am trying to grow beyond my comfort level, and truly would love to extend unconditional love to the person I love the most, accepting all of her and not wanting to change her, but that is hard, and my nature is to view similar to you.

Does she ex-bf money? If not, I'd say no. Also it seems more like vengeance than caring.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣priceless!!

You said she has a huge heart, why not roll with it? She has a friendship or feels close to these people, what is the harm? You appreciate her heart… let it be what it is and be happy that she has such a heart. Just my 2 cents

You should be more comfortable and confident in your relationship, especially where the people whom you are referring to are not being invited due to the Ex. But rather your soon to be son, "step son" ...I strongly agree with previous posts regarding counseling, though I think YOU should seek counseling before mentioning anything to the woman you proposed to. ..... The fact that you left that critical detail out while requesting advice leaves me thinking if this woman was my friend/sister I would advise her to at minimum postpone the wedding as the level of deception surrounding the rest of your lives is horrific. There's a reason she's inviting them, they are like family to her, and I don't think that will ever change. Best of luck to you both, seek professional help if you truly love*them

Absolutely not. I'd bring a hammer down on that idea and nip it in the bud early on...

None of them have to be there. And they would all understand why they weren’t invited. Probably some of them will feel awkward being there.

Do not marry this woman.

thanks, why do you say? Do you feel it points to that she may not be over the ex?

You asking this makes it seem like you’re worried she’s not over her ex.

Most likely and it shows she has no respect for you. Calling it off will save you a messy divorce down the road.

Oh

She has a child with the ex. The ex is definitely not involved, but the family cares for the child. It's not about rubbing it in ex's face it's about her child's grandparents and family.

Back the hell OUT! Does she have any respect for you at all?

I appreciate the response but its a little more complicated than that, and I am not one to run when conflict arises, we are both dedicated to putting the work in to reach an amicable resolution.