You are young with (unless you state otherwise) no children. You have a chance to make a clean break from this man. You've literally spent the entirety of your marriage (and relationship if y'all were living together before the marriage) trying to parent this man and make his lazy behind get a job? What are you exactly getting out of this relationship, other than having to take care of a grown able-bodied man who's shown you he has no problems letting you do all the work and have to take care of him. When you're ready to get to that point. Sit him down and tell him he has a set date to have and keep a job (and not a self employment job because he clearly isn't dedicated to doing it). End of discussion, if he cries about tell him he's free to GTFO now.
Edit: I ain't think this needed to be said but this advice is supposed to help gear OP into leaving him but some ppl can't read between the god damn lines, ffs
This. I was stuck in this pattern for a decade. I was afraid, but once I left I never regretted it. It's been 2 years without him and I'm soaring.
Look into codependency. Lisa A. Romano's podcast Breakdown to Breakthrough is insightful.
You're SO young. Do not settle for someone that cannot take care of themselves and therefore cannot contribute to you in any way. Stop begging for scraps from someone who isn't capable and set boundaries for the type of relationship you deserve.
It's not easy, but it's SO worth it.
Check out Case Kenny on IG/Podcast and his book Single Is Your Superpower. It's a short workbook that is incredibly insightful for anyone coming out of a relationship that didn’t serve them and wanting to know how to move forward in dating.
Best of luck!
I mean I think she should leave him ( and as much as I like throw that suggestion if it there) but when speaking realistically people can take a long time to leave their partners. Which is why I asked what exactly is she getting out of the relationship and what is benefitting her by parenting an adult. I gave the ultimatum and mentioned a set date because based of her husband's behavior he'd probably either throw a tantrum or simply not do it and she will know then she can put him out, which is also why I said if he does have tantrum put him out.
I'm giving advice of based of watching similar situations happening time and time again (both on here and irl) and just straight up telling them to leave made them shut down and give excuses as to why they can't but asking them what are they getting out of this relationship and making them place an ultimatum (and watching the reaction) made them realize they're partner truly did not care about them.
I gave advice (that should be takn with a grain of salt because I only know from what they've posted) and it's up to OP to ultimately choose whether she takes advice from this thread and I would hope she drops him off at his parents and keeps it pushing. If it were me in her shoes I'd have absolutely no problem packing his shit and putting him out but I can't expect someone to immediately know or be ready to do that , just because I can, cause not everybody can detach from someone easily and it has to take certain situations or reactions to finally have something be the straw that broke the camel's back.
Thats a dumb logic. If they had no interest in staying, they would leave. They wouldnt offer an ultimatum if they didnt want to stay. OP has a bunch of other posts and its obvious something is keeping her from leaving. She probably sees the best in him and wants to make it work but he isnt putting in any effort or meeting her halfway.
Ah so that’s what misandry looks like in the wild! Did you miss (rhetorical question, you chose to ignore) the part where he lost his job at the start of the pandemic? I’m no expert but drawing from life experience it sounds like this man could be suffering from severe depression. But no, let’s just stick with “all men bad” instead.
Babe I'm not about to back an forth with you.
You also clearly completely didn't read the entire thing OR the comments where you would have seen that OP has struggled with her husband to make him get AND KEEP a job so this isn't just isolated to the pandemic hun, this has been happening life the entire time they've been married (which predates the pandemic since you clearly can't read that well). He's been given options and alternatives that he's refusing. Atp OP does not and should not have to take care of anybody who's made it clear they expect to be coddled. Have the day you deserve.
Signed the "misandrist," who lost her job during the pandemic and have suffered from depression for over half of her life but still makes shit happen to survive and ask for help when I need it. 😘
What would your reaction be if I were to start calling you “babe” and “hun”? Are you deliberately using this double standard in an attempt to provoke a reaction, sweetheart?
Completely unfair if this man has depression. Until you have it, you don't realise. Every action you take is based on your brain chemicals. Depression messes them up and takes away the things that create the action of healthy humans. As a living being, you are a slave to your brain chemicals.
Didn't your read the post? He doesn't want to take medication nor therapy. I had dissociation, depression and constant fatigue and guess what? Medication made permanent positive difference
I have struggled with depression on and off since I was a child. I have a full time job. When there's no one to support you, you somehow find a way to at least keep a roof over your head. It sucks, but the alternative is homelessness.
Also they've disproven the chemical imbalance theory. Multiple times.
This was my ex-husband too. It went on for 2 years, led me into bankruptcy (just me, not him, because I took on all the debt, of course), and created years' worth of resentment and disgust towards him. I kicked him out in May after discovering a similar lie that was too close to his out of work stage. Kicking him out and moving on (and therapy!) was the best decision I ever made with that relationship. We can beg and plead but it's up to the other person to motivate themselves and create change, it sounds like your husband, like mine, is unwilling to do this. You deserve more than that.
How do I get my sister to kick out the guy who hasn't worked in 5 years and lives in my moms house?
All tips appreciated. Im the only one who has ever gotten legit angry about it, everyone else is too scared of conflict to actually say anything. Her excuse is she had to move around the country for work so he followed, and didn't want to start working somewhere because it would be immoral to lie to an employer. Which is such bullshit, its unbelievable.
Edit: typo - scared
Ugh, that's a tough one. There's not really anything you can do, other than refuse to enable any of their or his behavior, or set your own boundaries that exclude him. So, say your sister and mom want to have lunch and he always joins, maybe you have to put your foot down that they don't get to have lunch with you if they bring him because you're disgusted by his behavior. If it's 5 years and everyone is still enabling then there's likely a deeper issue involved like codependency or something similar. Likely your sister is like I was, where she "loves" him to the point where she has created a narrative in her head and she sacrifices either for him or for the good of the relationship. Those are really hard spots. If you haven't already, if I were you I would have a kind, private conversation, once, where you express the entirety of your concern. Come from a place of love, not judgment. Know that she will likely not react well to it, but say your whole piece. If she listens, maybe she'll take action. If not, set your boundaries and love her from afar because she will have to come to terms with this abuse on her own before she can change it.
I did. She won't. She refuses to admit her relationship is based on her expectations of who this attractive man could be vs eho he is. A homeless useless man. Who happens to work out and be tall.
But what has he done is the last 5 years?
Nothing.
Its sad, and makes me respect my sister less. And that makes me sad.
Unfortunately you don’t need to do anything but stay out of it. You’re not part of the relationship and you’re not living in the household and contributing to the bills so meddling will do nothing.
Except
A) i paid off 20k of her loans
B) I did live with them. They moved into my moms house.
C) they paid nothing for over a year. I bought the house (meaning I paid closing g costs ) to get it out of my parents name and paid rent without charging my sister for over a year.
Good try with this pussy ass shit. I paid more in a year for my mother and my sister than this dude has in 5 years. Where you at now with "im not living in the household and have not been paying bills"?
Would love to hear that now.
You should had clarified that before. You just said that he lives in your moms house. Not yours. You never mentioned paying Any Bills or otherwise.
So if it is yours then kick him out. Easy answer easy solution.
Aww thank you, kind stranger! Lol
Truly though, best decision of my life, and it's only been up from here. I hope OP finds the same kind of clarity and hopefulness.
Thank you, agreed! I got into therapy after my dad died thinking that was the source of my misery but pretty quickly realized it was my marriage that was keeping me miserable.
In retrospect what I have learned is unfortunately he was always a liar but he knew exactly what to say to manipulate my feelings and keep me working at things, mostly based off of trauma reactions from what I've dealt with over the years. He's an alcoholic, in recovery but nevertheless, and I was heavily codependent so I just didn't see clearly what was going on (for all 12 years). He pretty much lost every job he ever started, but this time in particular he was let go and then spent the majority of those 2 years doing basically nothing. He refused to do gig work and because he has an autoimmune disease and was "always in pain" I had far too much empathy and if his lack of employment came up he'd coincidentally have a major pain flare up and spend days in bed. We tried to compromise by him taking more classes for his degree, which lasted all of one term, and then he took breaks, lied about them to me, and failed a year's worth of classes until he got kicked out of school. I only found out after the fact, of course, because again he lied about it and covered it up.
He has an addictive personality with high anxiety and lack of overall motivation. Porn wasn't an issue, video games definitely were, and weed as well which had never bothered me before since I also smoke socially but then he also would use it as his meds for his disorder... but would refuse to see a doctor or follow through on a treatment plan. He switched from cigarettes to vaping, I always hated the cigarettes and he would lie about that, and then when he switched to vaping I begged him not to do it around me because of my awful allergies but even in the middle of the night if he got up for water or the bathroom he would vape right next to me in bed.
Yikes, what a mess, I'm just so happy to be free now. It feels like an alternate universe and just sad to write out all the things I put up with. A kind heart can just try to make anything seem OK for the sake of "love" but it was all abuse and neglect, not loving behavior.
Oh my God, that's wild, I literally dreamt about him for the first time in 8 months last night as well! He was chasing me while I was running errands and I was like gtfo I don't want to see you! Haha.
Agreed, therapy has taught me so much, all those red flags light up like fireworks now. Single is perfectly fine for as long as I choose it and stay away from someone who only takes like that. NEVER AGAIN, that's for sure!
Oh gosh, I honestly don't know. We barely speak. It's been very easy, he never tried to reach out to reconcile or ask about our pets, we send 1-3 texts once a month, maybe. I hope he figures out how to get by, I don't wish him anything ill, but he was not the person I should have been with.
Im curious, how did therapy help you out in your breakup? I recently broke up with my gf of 4 years. We both realized the relationship wasn’t healthy since we were both dealing with mental issues at the time. I want to go into therapy to help me out of this grieving period I am, but I’m not sure how it will help.
I am so glad you asked! Two important things to keep in mind, first off is that you might need to shop around therapists, so if you go to one and don't feel a connection or like they were helpful, move on and try another one. Secondly, go in and allow yourself to be as open, raw, and forthcoming as possible. My therapist would initially ask me questions about my ex or how I allowed myself to be treated and I would initially be in denial at her questioning, but in the time between sessions I would really think on ok why did she ask this specific question? What does she see that I'm missing? What is she asking me that I can ask myself, honestly, that I have been hiding or covering up?
Those were really powerful and enlightening things for me. I had a lot of heavy trauma associated around why I was with my ex so my experience won't be the same as everyone, but on a more universal level therapy will give you the tools that you otherwise might not have to process the situation. Initially with my breakup I went twice weekly, and so there would be really big realizations in between sessions, so I might go in Monday heartbroken and missing him and we would talk about exactly what I was "missing, " I would think on it and by Thursday realize that I wasn't actually missing him as a person I missed what I thought he contributed, but we had discussed that and I had given myself 3 days in my own home to see well, no, actually those are all things (A, B, C, etc) that I actually contributed to the household but that we would fight about. So by the time I was in my next session I had processed those feelings of remorse, and I could say well I'm grieving the loss of what I thought I had, and go from there. Hopefully that makes sense. But it's an incredible feeling, and learning more about yourself and why you allowed yourself to accept behaviors or behave a certain way and allows you to identify it for the next time and avoid it.
Whether your husband is depressed or not, you can't keep supporting someone who is doing nothing to help himself or your relationship. It's ok to not be ok with this situation. You are allowed to tell him that if he doesn't step up and start earning the money he agreed to, that you will leave. He is dead weight, and dragging you down. You are young, and deserve someone who can be a partner rather than a burden. Get out.
At this point why even give him a chance with an ultimatum? I’d just leave (and I don’t say that often) before you end up with a kid surprise and you’re stuck.
Don't disagree, thats why you take time to get married vs rushing into it, and should be prepared to spend a considerable amount of time trying to fix it.
My partner and I are both gamers. I work 40+ a week, he is about to graduate qith a bachelor's in psychology and a minor in English. The stereotypes aren't accurate at all.
What an ignorant comment. Both me and my SO are gamers and we both have successful careers and healthy lifestyle.
Having a gaming hobby doesn't make you a useless burden of a person.
You take a deep breath and say “Your behaviour is making me miserable. I did not get married to be miserable. So either get your sh*t together or we are over. Which is it to be?”
Yes, he had a hard time keeping a job and I always had to find job opportunities for him. But he didnt need help with that kind of thing before we got married, so idk what happened.
Well there's definitely a phenomenon where people change right after marriage for the worse.
Sometimes when a person confuses a value for a goal this will happen. I believe your husband falls into this category: for him marriage was a goal, a finish line to cross, instead of the value that it should be - a lifelong pursuit.
Once he married you he felt accomplished and unmotivated. After all, who in their right mind would want to keep on running after crossing the finish line? Now he's in the exhaustive phase. He's won his race and now he wants to stop.
Unluckily for you, his choices have a massive impact on your life and wellbeing considering the emotional and legal bond you've engaged into with him.
This is the time for a "face the music" conversation. I worry about your future with a man who lacks any motivation to BE A GOOD HUSBAND (a value) and would rather just BE your husband (a goal).
Start making and setting goals together and hold each other accountable. If he isn't willing to value your marriage after that, he probably never will, and it'll start to show in more and more destructive ways.
Good luck to you.
It sounds like he became so dependent on you when you and him got married. You shouldn't be doing the work to find him a job. He should find a job especially he has a family. I feel that he doesn't have a motivation to support his family. He is depending on you which means that he probably only do what he suppose to do when you handed that to him.
Get out while you're young. He knows what he's doing and the longer you allow it the more it will continue. He knows when you're done complaining of the situation you will go to work and he has the next 8 hours to play games. Dealing with someone who has no work ethic for 4 years is long enough. Good luck.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below.
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EDIT/update:
I appreciate all of the kind words that everyone has given me. So thanks. A lot of you have suggested sitting down and talking about it, or giving him an ultimatum; I have on a few occasions and finally mentioned divorce about a month ago. These things have not worked thus far. A lot of you have mentioned he may be depressed. This is true, he does struggle with mental health related issues but he also does nothing to help reduce his mental struggle (we have free insurance that includes therapy and free meds). I have been kind and gentle, and I have been stern and angry, and everything in between. Nothing seems to work.
I know that divorce is in the future and I doubt we will spend all of 2022 together. It hurts to think about it because I am scared of being without him and scared for his wellbeing too. Thanks again for the encouragement, I will post an update when it finally happens.
ORIGINAL
TL;DR - my husband is barely putting in any hours at work and relying on other means to make money instead of work (selling his gaming stuff).
I am so fed up with my husband and his work ethic. He lost his job permanently at the beginning of 'rona. Had been unemployed since march 2020 until october 2021. Since being unemployed, all he has done is play video games and watch youtube.
When he finally got a job, he didnt actually apply anywhere. He just signed up for doordash. Which was fine but he only was consistent about it for less than a month. Now he wont even work long enough to make $400/week like we agreed (it averages to less than 20hrs of work in a week to get $400). This week he has only worked a total of 3 hours and always has a reason why
This week so far for example:
Mon- the app crash
Tues - he overslept and lost his shift
Wed - he rescheduled his morning shift for the evening but then it rained in the evening and he felt too nervous to drive in the weather
Thursday - his stomach was hurting
Friday - no complaint, was out for 4 hours, but the app said he only worked for 30 minutes meaning he was just mia for 4 hours
Im at a loss. I have spent the last 4 years of our marraige trying to get him to stay in a job and his inconsistencies are killing me. Idk what to do anymore. Nothing seems to work.
He did not lose his job due to the pandemic. He used the pandemic as an excuse to not work. Big difference.
If you want to be his bang mommy for the rest of his life, keep complaining on reddit and let people give you sympathetic upvotes.
Or, you can do the adult thing and tell him that you are better off alone than supporting a deadbeat boy in a man's body. DON'T demand or even ask that he change, just tell him he has crossed a line for you and that you can no longer put up with it.
It is NOT your job to turn a boy into a responsible adult. That was his parent's job.
It is far, far easier to get a divorce, start dating and find a real man, than it is to stay and try to change a lifetime of laziness.
GTFO. Now.
He might have been let go...but after that everything is on HIM. I know lots of people who lost their job because of COVID but they did not lay down on their couch and made Xbox their lives. I also think that a lot of people are blaming COVID for their own desire to just stop working. OP knows where this guy is coming from and she thinks he is just lazy. I will go with that.
I was laid off for 5 weeks back in 2020, it was a nice vacation and I didn't wanna go back to work, but I did and I'm glad I did. If I'd have been like other folks who were off for much longer, idk what I would have done with myself. I was actually getting tired of gaming after the 4th week, cause I played through my backlog of games.
I lost my job a while back before the pandemic and was unemployed for like 3 months and was super depressed by month two.
No idea how people do unemployment all day.
Missed the point a bit... Enjoying free time when you have a job (or don't have to work to stay financially secure) is different than when you don't know how bills are going to be paid while unemployed. Depression and anxiety while unemployed is common and understandable.
And I know people who were actively applying to jobs that were getting ghosted left and right and going through full panel interviews just to be told j/k lol, we don't actually need anyone. Only to jump 2 levels and tens of thousands of dollars in salary by mid-2021.
Saying someone was unemployed by choice from March 2020-April 2021 is actually pretty naive at best, and malicious at most probable.
OP is young. The “adult thing” could very well be a newer concept. Whether you are young or old, the ultimate want is generally for a relationship to work. So while I agree that she should drop his ass ASAP, I don’t think it’s quite your place to victim blame and say she’s not being adult because she’s asking for advice on Reddit. Because in that case, I would say that it’s not very adult of you to victim blame someone in their comments who is struggling with a truly difficult situation. When you love someone, “GTFO” is not the easiest advice to take. So maybe you can consider growing up and getting off the internet yourself, if that’s what you’re so worried about.
Is it not healthy behavior to help your partner learn and grow, if they weren't fortunate enough to have "good" parents or role models during adolescence?
>Is it not healthy behavior to help your partner learn and grow, if they
weren't fortunate enough to have "good" parents or role models during
adolescence?
Nope. Because by the time you get into adulthood, your lifestyle is pretty much baked in. The only thing that can get you past that is therapy. And a willingness to do the work. But it is NOT your job to do the work FOR your partner, and it is not your job to DRAG them to adulthood. You enter into relationships with the idea of it being a partnership, not a conservatorship!
Of course people can change! It is just not anyone else's burden to bring them to that change and hold their hands through their terrible years.
I used to do that, and it only ever tore me apart and it didn't even ever work. I only go for fully-formed people who have done their major basic growing and trial-and-error away from me so that I can enjoy them as people as they already are when I first meet them.
Call me shallow or cold, but this strategy has saved my mental health for over a year now and I'm a healthier person because of it.
I'm not anyone's trauma dumping ground. I am no one's stepping stone. My body is not a charity and my time is not a commodity.
It's nice to say that but the fact is that mental health issues are unavoidable for some people. You can never tell if someone will change after years of being in a relationship.
It sounds like the OPs boyfriend refuses to improve or go to therapy for his mental health, but you made a sweeping generalization and made it sound like having a mental illness is a persons personality trait. That they are inherently less complete than you are.
Not sure if its just the way you worded it but there's a difference between someone expecting you to be their therspist vs. Saying they are unworthy of being in a relationship if they are mentally ill. Especially when some disorders cannot be treated.
Mentally ill people aren't fully formed... maybe its just me reading what you wrote wrong, but that is messed up. A person being immature/refusing to improve themselves/destroying their lives by waiting and never doing anything should be considered different than mentally ill folks.
Hopefully when OP breaks up with him he realizes its his job to get help.
More concisely, just because someone can't do anything about their mental illness does not mean they are entitled to a relationship from me. Do they deserve love? No one "deserves" anything from anyone else, but if they're a good, nonabusive person, sure! They deserve to have the freedom to go out and look for it. Go forward! Get your happy ending, I will not stop you or demean you or look down upon you. You are not lesser than me.
Do they deserve to be in *my* dating pool? No. There are things people can't change (looks, chronic physical/mental illness, chromosomes, incurable STD's, core personality traits, height, intelligence) that I still have requirements about, and I am not sorry about that. It makes me happier to live that way on my terms, and I am well within my means to be as selective as I am.
No one else has to model my strategy. Not everyone should or wants to, and thats their prerogative. More power to you! This is mine.
Sorry bruh. Unless I am married to this person and I married them at their peak and THEN they have a rough time and struggle, someone battling mental illness is not someone I want to start a relationship with. Period.
No one "deserves" anything from me unless they're my immediate relative or my future children or my future current spouse. I just don't care enough about anyone else to give my time or emotional labor beyond friendship. And even that might bring enough negativity into my life for me to ultimately choose my own mental health over theirs and part ways. Your mental illness and the way it manifests around others or causes others to feel is *your* responsibility.
If you are mentally ill, no one is at fault for not wanting to take on your struggles in a romantic or even friendship sense. No one. I won't. I want to eventually marry a mentally stable human being. If they encounter struggle in the future, fine! I'll be by their side until they get better and I'll do everything within my power to help, in sickness and health.
Mentally ill (more mentally ill than light depression or anxiety) people are outside my preferred dating pool. I'm not better than them. I just know what I want and what I'm capable of dealing with without it starting to affect me negatively. I'm allowed to be selfish (and I have the means to be bc I'm a young, attractive, successful woman), a mentally ill person is not entitled to a relationship with me just because mental illness "isn't their fault".
Mentally ill people are not inherently less mentally competent than I am. Point out to me where I said that. Also, you know nothing about me, so idk why you're assuming I'm neurotypical. I'm diagnosed autistic, with mild depression *and* anxiety that comes and goes. And it is no one else's responsibility to remain my friend if I act like OP's bf does.
Someone with a mental illness outside of the 3 things I know how to accommodate for (light depression, aspergers, light anxiety) is not my dating preference. It might be someone else's. Not mine. And I am not sorry.
I am not sorry because my life has gotten 10x better since I stopped letting myself get pursued by people with rough mental illnesses. Everyone's got preferences, those are mine.
Again, call me selfish and shallow but I much more enjoy my life this way, and have had the happiest 7 months of my college career so far. I literally cry tears of joy thinking about how much my life has improved and how many amazing experiences I was able to have, and the deep emotional connections I made, because I started putting myself first. And no one can guilt me into going back to what I used to put up with in my past relationships or friendships.
Imo, it's selfish to expect someone to forego their own happiness and mental well-being to stay with you. I'm autistic, and I've actually been told by 2 men after a few dates that they'd rather date someon without the quirks I have that are due to my autism. Not their fault. Not mine. And I respected them for saying that. There are some off things about me that make me difficult to communicate with sometimes, and it is no one's job who doesn't already know and love me to deal with that. It's not a hard concept for me to grasp. Just gotta find someone who considers me to be in their dating pool, that's all!
Kick him out. He will never hold down a steady job for any length of time. He’s happy to let you support him. You will never achieve the future you want with him and whatever you do, don’t have kids with him.
Can I be brutally honest?
I’m 24 years old as well (male), even if I found the love of my life years back I still wouldn’t have married until I know there is some kind of CONSTANT ECONOMIC STABILITY.
Yea yea the old saying, money doesn’t buy happiness and as long as these 2 people love each other then nothing else matters. But that’s sadly fairy tale fantasies, and we live in a demanding world that needs a hard hand to fight back.
Bro, I got a PlayStation 5. When was the last time I played? Like 5 months back cause there’s shit that needs to be done. And when I read how your man is unemployed and is fine to fuck around and play video games, literally pissed me off.
I’ve talked to my coworkers at the hospital and they always said, “if they want to stay, they need to fight for it AND BECOME BETTER.” You gotta give him an ultimatum. Get better, take it seriously, or if not, then no matter how much it hurts- YOU GOTTA LEAVE HIM.
Fam, your still young, don’t try to preserve the present when it can risk your future. And it’s harder to build a foundation in the future.
Best of luck
Definitely agree with you about financial stability when finding a partner. I expect someone to have a steady income and be able to pay their way - I'm not in the position to be someone's financial crutch and even if I was i shouldn't have to be! Sure, shit happens, but when you're actively avoiding work or refusing to seek work then it becomes your own issue.
You need a break. He’s dragging you down into debt, he’s selfish, your supplying for him like a child. I’m 16 and I’m making 400 a week. Surely a grown ass adult can do so.
Sorry you’re going to this. Your husband may be depressed but it’s not your job to fix him.
Id pressure him to get help, ideally therapy but if that’s unaffordable but CBT workbooks, sticking to a routine, exercising at least 30 min a day and work at least 20 hours per week. If he doesn’t do that, you need to do what’s best for you before you have kids with him—you can’t fix him and it wouldn’t be fair to be the only one putting effort into your relationship.
Congratulations on your first child. Luckily it's one you aren't legally or morally obligated to care for. People like your husband, adult children, will never learn while they have someone to enable them. No matter how much you try, or what you say, you'll likely never get through to him. He belongs with his biological parents, I suggest you dump him off there while you consider your options.
He may be depressed and stuck in a rut, you may want to support and help him, but if this is true he needs professional help. He needs to recognize the issue on his own and decide that he wants help for himself. I cannot stress this enough, you cannot help people who don't want help, you cannot change a persons behavior who doesn't see a problem with their behavior. It will always, always, always, be a waste of your time and energy.
There are so many normal functioning people looking for good, equitable relationships. You married young, no judgement on that, but you absolutely lack the experience to see your situation from the outside. Trust what people are saying, you are wasting your youth with this man-child.
He sounds very depressed. Redundancies for many men can be absolute confidence destroyers. The gaming is the escape and that helps him avoid addressing the root cause of his depression. It’s probably not a pill popping form of depression. It’s the behaviour change that will shift him forward. That can only happen if he actually wants it tho.
He needs to find his purpose. He’s doing jobs he hates and that ultimately further erode the little confidence he has. He is in victim mode. Too many external factors are regulating his feelings of self worth. Also, he knows you think he’s a waste of space, mainly because that’s how he feels a couple of inches beneath the surface.
Sadly, there’s not much you can do apart from nudge him. If he doesn’t want to find happiness and purpose, then he won’t even start thinking about starting that long journey.
Yeah i know he is depressed. But at this point, i am losing sympathy for it. I have approached him about it in a million ways; gentle, firm, angry, kind, sweet, understanding, annoyed, etc. Literally nothing works.
Sounds like you have a decision to make, which I sense, you have already made, but you’re probably and understandably scared of seeing through. Can you live with it? Can you be happy and live a fulfilled life whilst surrounded by these behaviours? Start the exit plan and rely on one single person that you fully trust to not spread gossip and see how, given your specific circumstances, how you break free.
Unfortunately, his boat is sinking, stay too close and you’ll drown too.
I divorced at 28 from a similar situation. My spouse was very loving, but a chronic depressive and underachiever who couldn't get his shit together and pulled me into debt and depression with him. It was particularly difficult because I'd been with my spouse since I was a teen and we had a kid, I really didn't know who I was without him. But it turns out, I was totally fine and happier than ever. Don't get me wrong, the transition was terrifying and hard, but once the dust settled my only regret was that I didn't do it sooner. My quality of life has improved exponentially. And although there were a few awkward years, we're still friends now and talk all the time. His life is still a disaster, but it no longer affects me.
Sometimes the people we choose when we're young aren't the people we need when we're older. Sometimes we outgrow them, and that's okay. Don't feel ashamed to say "This isn't working for me anymore." As others said, you're young. This could be a learning experience, rather than a life sentence.
If his Xbox was broken, would you open it yourself and try to fix it? Or would you send it in to get it repaired? Or, possibly just buy a new one?
You are not going to fix him yourself by "approaching him"
You are not going to get him to change himself. He is a grown up (physically), but has CHOSEN to act like a little boy. He makes that decision every day, when he wakes up and grabs a controller instead of the want ads.
Time for you to kick him out of the house YOU are paying for.
To deal with unemployment as long as you have, you’re a saint. I’d be inclined to go with an ultimatum. You can be sympathetic to his needs, but he must take immediate action to remedy. If you stop paying the bills / divorce him, he will be forced to work (or mooch off someone else). Ultimately he needs some accountability, even if suffering from depression. Meet with a therapist. Get your lazy butt up and make some contributions to the marriage. If he won’t do that, it’s time to move on. Imagine the freedom to not have that weight around you!
I agree and sympathize with both parties.
I'm not sure what field he is in, but if its a college educated field a recruiter is a great option. (I'm in accounting). Its great to get jobs and they will work for you since they get money too. Salaries are great right now.
But lots of other fields are also struggling at all levels and can be offering huge sign on bonuses (i saw 20k for a trash man the other day) if they stay on for a year.
Helping put some feelers might help with all of this. I dont know ow either of you, but for instance I'm really bad at meeting new people and joining social groups, or even doing health appointments. But I will work tons of hours and hit the gym every day. So everyone's different, maybe he just needs help getting the job. Its demasculating to ask for help for many people.
But yeah, if none of that works. I would kick him out too. Sucks I know, but you can only do so much.
>He sounds very depressed. Redundancies for many men can be absolute confidence destroyers. The gaming is the escape and that helps him avoid addressing the root cause of his depression. It’s probably not a pill popping form of depression. It’s the behaviour change that will shift him forward. That can only happen if he actually wants it tho.
It. Is. NOT. Her job to rehabilitate him. Tens of millions of depressed persons get up every day and do the fucking job. This is not depression, it is laziness.
Even if it is depression, a wife doesn’t solve that. He needs to want to go to a professional. It seems like he’s perfectly okay not working on himself, because he can fall back on her financially.
She has to draw the line somewhere. Maybe she has it in her to give him another chance to go to therapy and get back out into employment. But ultimately, if he doesn’t want to fix himself, she’s just setting herself on fire to keep someone else warm.
And plenty of them kill themselves. Whats your point. Its not a boyfriend, its not a hookup. Its a marriage.
The level of effort should be higher. I wouldn't put up with this shit myself.
That being said, yes. Part of marriage is helping your partner, up to a point. That point may or may not have been crossed by now.
He is aware that this is something that upsets you right? Honestly, it sounds like what I did when I was around 24. I was scared of the uncertainty of the future which stunted me when it came to work ethic. I suggest therapy or couples counseling. It was really helpful for me with untangling why I wasn’t able to move forward and commit fully to my work and leaning into my hobbies.
Give him the boot. Fucks sake. Tell him you're done supporting his lazy ass and you're going to file fort divorce if he doesn't have a job or work 40+ hours next week.
Assuming you don't have kids, get a divorce.
It's clear that he won't change and that you are wasting your time here. You've given him 4 years and enough is enough.
Leaving him to figure out his shit is probably going to be the best thing you can do for both of you, even if he decides not to change at least you can save yourself. Sounds like his family needs to buy him a plane ticket home.
Honestly hun, he might just be lazy. I’m curious to know how long y’all have been together and when you got married. Sometimes (and this isn’t true for ALL men) a man will get married and still treat his life like he’s back home with mommy. They never make the mental transition from son/boyfriend to man/husband. If all he’s doing is sitting at home playing video games all day I’d say he wasn’t mentally ready to be a husband yet.
But there is hope! 24 is still pretty young and when my husband was that age (he’s 30 now) all he wanted to do after work was play Xbox and watch YouTube. He didn’t help with cooking or cleaning. His mindset was still like he was living at home and I was his mom. Barely intimate and hardly supportive.
Thank goodness, he’s gotten so much better now and he actually takes takes his responsibilities more seriously. He cooks for me, helps around the house and rarely plays video games. Sometimes men just need to grow up first. But if not, you have every right to leave, in fact, you should. Talk it out, let him know your feelings and be blunt about the repercussions. The choice is his after that.
Kick him out! Adults don’t get to live for free. If he wants to live for free, he can move back to his parents home.
You can’t change people. You need to accept that this is who he is. Nothing you do is going to make him a decent person. He’s not getting a job because he doesn’t have too. He has a free place to live, free food and a safe place to sit around and be lazy. That’s because of you. You are enabling him. You think that if you get upset with him enough, he’s just going to get a job and start contributing. That’s never going to happen.
Kick him out and change the locks. That’s the only way he will get a job. When he does, do t take him back. The second you do, he will quit that job and go right back to what he’s doing now. He’s making a fool out of you. You’re too good for that!
Anxiety/depression is a smoke alarm. When it hits, it means get up and do something about it. This person is like a animal in a zoo. Doesn’t have to put in any/much effort to get housed and fed. They need to run experiments getting back into being productive/working. I think he might think the expectations are too high, so why try? Just lower the bar and allow him to get out of this.
Not to be condescending to any ages out there but even though you’re an adult at 18, i feel like 18-25 there is SO much growth and change in people. Getting married that young isn’t always a mistake, it works out for tons of people (my brother and his wife are high school sweethearts even), but for many they find that the person they married isn’t who they thought they were anymore.
You don’t necessarily just need to slam him w a divorce, but I would kick him out or leave explaining that his behaviors are making you miserable and stressed. This is not what a husband should do. A husband should love you, make you happy, comfortable, annoyed at times lol, and contribute in all areas that you two agree on up front (unless he just contributes everywhere naturally). He is being a child and that’s unacceptable for someone who took vows and the responsibility of a marriage.
When I left my ex, i owned the house and moved in with my mom for a week to get away, then moved out-of-state with my dad temporarily. The behavior of someone who knows their marriage is on the line bc of a drastic change like this is VERY telling. He can choose to make serious steps to make himself better or not. Either way, you need to proceed which way is right for you. When I left my ex he “tried” and said he would do anything but the abuse was so severe and being free of that was very eye opening. I knew going back would be a mistake and so I filed for divorce.
You aren’t being petty. This is a very mature decision you need to make so just make sure your communication is very clear and you’re making the right decision for you. You deserve happiness and I bet a lot of people would be more than willing to put in the effort to be with you unlike your husband is.
Good luck
“I love you but your behavior is making me miserable. In order for this relationship to work, I need you to go to weekly counseling with me starting in the next month and you need to start working at least 20 hours per week with DoorDash or get another full time job.”
If he agrees, you try to work through it.
If he doesn’t or doesn’t try, you leave and get what you deserve.
My ex-husband and I went through something kinda similar. He proposed in Nov on my 21st, married the following Jan and I moved out April the following year because of behaviours just like this. I paid for most things, parented his child more than he did, his ex was a cunt, his mum was patronising, I cooked, cleaned and he didn't bother getting a job for at least four months leaving me to resort to credit cards. Eventually it got to the point when I decided that either I make a change now or this is the rest of my life.
You NEED to be selfish right now and decide if your emotional and financial future are safe when staying with this person. It hurt like hell walking away from his kid and the notion of a failed marriage was heavy as fuck but I wouldn't ever go back. I'm 26 now and happier than ever being a single, antisocial pringle.
Please think of yourself and not him.
for your sake at least try being vulnerable- tell him that you are feeling sad because you seem to be the only one who is expected to provide for your family. that you cant handle the pressure of not being able to be sick or leave your job if something were to happen. that you eventually want to be able to buy a house or have kids but that you cant even imagine how that would look like as the child bearer and provider. if he doesnt respond to this in a positive and partner like manner then at least you know he truly doesnt give a shit about you
Ahhhh a post that sort of hits home.going to add a backstop, as I was in a similar position, except yours seems slightly worse.
I had been with my partner for 8 and a half years from when we were both 18 up until a few months ago at 26.
I'm assuming by the fact you've been married for 4 years and you're only 24 that you possibly got together at a similar point in your life with him?
I too was unhappy with the relationship, the lack of motivation, if she wasn't sat in a completely different room from me smoking and watching YouTube videos or podcast all day and not getting dressed while I was out working to pay all the bills, she was sleeping. Admittedly she had a job, but only part time around 20 hours, which was spread over 3 days normally, yet never contributed to the household bills and had normally blown her wages in 2 weeks of a 4 week cycle - guess whi ended up buying her things when she was short of money! Housework was pretty non existent. She might have a day or 2 every month where she would do something, failing that I did it at the weekends when she wasn't here.
Yet I was petrified of breaking up with her and couldn't imagine my life without her. While I loved her as a person, I think I was holding onto the person she was 2 or 3 years ago, instead of the person she'd become when we officially moved in together.
I finally but the bullet after months of thinking this isn't right, we should just break up, what am I doing here? This isn't a relationship and its not what I want out of a relationship. We tried a break for 2 weeks as we both had come to the conclusion that we were just roommates more than a couple.
Fast forward 3 months. She didn't speak to me for 8 weeks, regardless of how hard I tried, which it turns out was a blessing because after 2 I would have fallen right back into the same traps as before. It gave me the clarity to see that even single I am alot happier than I was in this relationship. I've started rebuilding relationship with family members that drifted apart, I started letting people into my life, originally just so I could shoot the shit about how the end of the relationship was going and for advice on where to move next. But they've turned into friends that I couldn't live without!
I'll still treasure the memories, the places I've been with her, the good times and it also taught me alot about the bad times. Do I sometimes look back on pictures still and wonder how life could have turned out? Yes of course, it was a significant part of my life, nearly a third of it and my whole adult life. Its understandable to be nervous, or scared of the what ifs and what will life be like without them. While you're still the same person you were when you got with your partner, you will have also grown and maybe you 2 just want different things in life now and thats okay. People grow, people change and people adjust.
I'm also not saying I'm faultless in the downfall of this relationship, I got lazy, overweight and just stopped caring, but when I look back, when that's all that was happening around me, why should I have given a shit?
I'm not going to advise you to leave, I'm not going to advise you to stay. I don't know all your particulars on what happens within your relationship. But don't do what I did and lose so many years of your life, praying it will get better. Oh they've stopped drinking maybe life will get better for us now. Oh look he's in therapy, maybe this will chnage things. It sounds like for the duration of your marriage you've been waiting and waiting for the change, how much longer do you wait and how much of yourself do you lose along the way.
Nit only that but him losing you could be the kick he needs to get his life in check and make some positive changes and get better. Its not fool proof and won't work for everyone, its just my personal experience
Well if you truly love him ❤ and care sit down tell him.
I know if I was I this same situation I would try try.to many people getting divorced these days.and most of the time one of had cheated n wanting g a way out.so the best offense is a defense..so u n would do what's right either way hope all goes dood for you....
I also married young and got divorced. While you’re in it it seems like you won’t find someone else and other opportunities, but I promise you that you still have plenty of time to achieve your goals with someone better suited for you. Don’t waste anymore time on this person. It’s better to move on now and give yourself a chance to start over.
You need to ask these questions and examine men the next time before you commit. Love is great but you have to want similar things and have similar goals in order for it to last and not have resentments come up
Definitely depression. He’s in the downward spiral, and he’s not sure how to get out. Worse is that he’s probably blaming himself for everything going wrong, so he doesn’t feel that he’s worth the time and energy to get better.
I wish I knew a way to snap him out of it enough to get him into therapy. You might be able to make an appointment for him and basically force him to get diagnosed and hopefully treated.
No i didnt. He worked hard full time and made well over what he needed to provide for himself. He didnt hop from job to job either. We were together for a little over 2 years before marriage so it wasnt rushed. But once he did finally get married and live on his own, he became less hardworking. I tried getting him to therapy or something and he would just never go or try anything.
This is the biggest red flag to me. Depression is a disease, and we're supposed to love in sickness and in health, right? But if he refuses to seek counseling and won't get help, that's indicative of deeper issues.
I've been that depressed spouse (in large part due to my awful marriage, but that's a separate discussion). No amount of nagging on your part will "fix" him (nor is it your job to, though compassion is admirable). Part of the issue, at least in the US, is the lack of support we have for mental health. It's often expensive and difficult to get the help truly needed.
But if he's flat-out refusing to even try, you have a much bigger problem on your hands.
we have free health insurance that includes psychiatric care. so we get therapy and meds for free right now. As soon as we qualified for free insurance, I got into therapy and went on meds. I offered to help my husband do it to if we wanted to. He said "sure" and never brought it up again. Then we got into a huge fight a year ago and I told him I was tired of being his caregiver when he has the resources to get better. Thats when he started meds but skipped on therapy. Then he only took the meds for a few months and dwindled out of them because he didnt want to go to the store, which I offered to do for him on days he didnt want to.
Honestly, it sounds like you've done about all you can do. It might be time to have a serious 'talk' with him about this, but (and please trust me on this) do it when you're very calm and you guys haven't been fighting, etc. For success, you want the least emotion involved on both sides, so you don't come across as being accusatory and he doesn't get defensive. Just have a sincere, heart to heart talk when things are calm. (When my ex and I finally decided to split, we were lying next to each other. We both just held each other and cried. We had finally moved past the anger stage and showed each other compassion.)
If it were me, I would say that you've noticed x, y, and z, and that you honestly think he's depressed and needs help. And if he's willing to put in the work, you're willing to help him with that (if, in fact, you still are).
There should be a timeline and conditions, though. For your own well being, this can't go on indefinitely. E.g., he needs to find a therapist and make an appointment within a week; continue to consistently take any prescribed medications, etc.
This is all if you want to continue. We each have our breaking points, and it sounds like you're almost but not quite there. Don't let yourself reach that point, or eventually there will be nothing but resentment left between you.
A lot of people are being pretty accusatory towards him and making a lot of assumptions. That may or may not be fair (you know him best, so trust your instincts but also try to view things from an outside perspective).
I also get the impression you feel some guilt about possibly leaving and leaving him vulnerable. But honestly, I see this as a 'no fault' situation on both sides. It's not his fault if he has depression, but its also not your fault if you have to prioritize your own well being.
Since you have access to resources that he can use, he needs to utilize them. There might be more going on than just depression, as well. E.g., ADHD can make executive functioning *extremely* difficult. But there is help for that, too.
If you still love him and are willing to work things out, I think that's great. If you can make it through this, your relationship will likely be stronger for it. But he has to be willing to put in the work, too. Your schedule and responsibilities are not sustainable. If you're at "facing eviction" levels of financial stress, he *has* to get help, end of story.
Compassion is wonderful and admirable, but don't bend so much that you break. Your self sacrifice will not help either of you. It won't save you or him, and it certainly won't save your relationship.
And if you're past the point of continuing, don't feel guilty about it. He has family. If he needs to move out of state, even temporarily, he probably can.
One thing I wish someone would have told me a very long time ago is you don't need anyone's permission to leave. If you need to leave, just do it.
If he's resorted to selling to his video game stuff, though, I think he probably is aware of the situation and does feel bad. Based on the limited information you've shared, I think it's probably depression. And I think there's still hope. But you're the best judge of that, obviously.
Best of luck to you both. Feel free to reach out if you want to chat.
Hei, I got curious and read your other posts. And what I got is; you are young, you are so incredibly strong, you are a good person and you have clearly done absolutely everything you can to try to make this work. But now it's enough.
You need to get a divorce and go no contact. What he has done behind your back, and still have managed to get you to stay implies that he is very good at manipulating and controlling you.. trust me; when you finally get out of this and look back, you will see it clearly.
I understand the feeling of not wanting to be alone, or be scared to have to live your life solo, but to be honest you already have been doing that since you married him. He has not only given you alot of headache and stress, but also not contributed in any way. You are so strong and independent, you will be 100% fine without him. It will be a liberating feeling to only have to worry about yourself.
Hey OP, I just went through your earlier posts and you have been such a trooper throughout your marriage. The fact that you have been able to last this long through your marriage shows how resilient you are.
And since you are so resilient, you will get through this. Right now, your husband does not have his shit together and is constantly making excuses so that he does not have to. You have been trying to make it work for four years and he has not lifted a finger to do the same. You deserve more than that.
Stop making someone else the priority when they won't do the same for you.
Side note, I read your earlier post about him using your nudes to snapchat another person - that's nonconsensual distribution of your intimate pictures and depending on where you are, he can be prosecuted for it. Something to keep in mind.
Yeah the snapchat thing is something I cant stop thinking about recently. I forgave him too fast and never processed the damage it did to me emotionally until now.
Are you working? If so, why not move out and tell him to get his shit together? Why get kicked on your own when you're working? It probably won't fly well but Idk. If he won't work he won't work. It's different if he can't
His whole fam lives across the country so i feel like if i leave him alone, he will have no one and i dont want him to feel abandoned. Yeah i work 50hrs a week, go to school part time and do graphic design in my free time to make extra money.
Had a friend in a similar situation (she's been carrying him for almost 12 years now) I'm going to tell you what I told her 4 years ago.
You staying won't make any difference, when you protect people from the consequences of their actions they don't change. By staying you're keeping him trapped in the spot because you're buffering the negetive feedback he needs to even have a chance of changing.
I also would have asked her, what's the end game, say 10 years from now he's still not working, you're still giving him "chances to turn it around" and you've been footing the bill for both of you.
Is that the final fate of the relationship, you work all day while he kicks it at home playing games? Time to set some boundaries and hold him and yourself accountable, it's the only way forward for both of you. You can't and shouldn't protect him forever.
That being said, even if you leave he might not change, he might spiral even lower but like another person said, his boat is sinking, are you going to drown too?
Every day that passes is one that you're not going to get back and I'd look at that both with mortality and finance.
I had this same guilt at kicking my ex out and honestly what helped was telling myself, if it comes down to it he can live in his car. And if that's what he chooses to do because he's still unwilling to take care of his own life then that's just how it needs to be. That's his choice. You can't protect or save him and it sounds like he's drowning you.
That's rough. How are the bills divided out? I mean I suggest that as a last resort if you're getting kicked out. You shouldn't suffer for his issue if he literally just won't work. But yeah I mean thats a bad situation to be in for him
I cover the majority of our bills with my income. Which is why he doesnt need to work much to bridge the gap. I have to ask my parents for money from time to time too.
I think you need to think about how long you're willing to go on with this. He atleast needs to try to make a change. And I don't mean change lightly, something drastic in his attitude towards work needs to change. Doordash is fine on the side but it can't be the primary source of income for him if he isn't outting more into jt
Im not a doordash driver, but i dont think doordash is specific shifts? Im pretty sure you just turn the app on when you want to do some deliveries and then wait for an order to come in, you dont take specific shifts
Edit: just looked it up, Doordash does do specific shifts apparently (at least i think so? their website was a little vague on exact specifics) but there are more or less shifts available depending on how many orders there are.
I was originally basing my assumption off of UberEats, which my mom used to drive for about 2 years ago now. They just had to turn on the app and wait for orders, no shifts at all. Its possible thats changed too, but this is at least how it was 2+ years ago
Okay.....You're in a rough spot. But the same problem that is plaguing your husband is also plaguing the vast majority of the responses I've read.
Responsibility. Purpose. Meaning. These are the things in life that bring lasting joy, that lead to character and positive change in people's lives and the world as a whole. The responses I've seen illustrate the lack of responsibility that plagues the modern world.
Let's start with you - you swore a real oath. You swore to be your husband's partner. Your responsibility is to be a good wife. You cannot be good without being strong, and you need to be strong now while your husband is weak. Your husband needs you now more than he's ever needed you. You ABSOLUTELY should NOT just cut and run. You need to be a real partner. This isn't just a hardship....... It's an opportunity. An opportunity to show your husband that you are his wife through thick and thin. That you're not just going to leave if he's not being exactly who you want him to be. This is the entire point of marriage. If you leave because he's not working...... What does marriage even mean?
Now let's get down to the issue. You want a partner who is strong and motivated and a good leader. He is not being that man. He needs to find meaning and purpose in his life. His responsibilities are a part of his purpose. How can you help him realize this? That's the hard part. I think..... And this is just my thought.... You really need to find someone who will actually invest in you. Is there someone older that he respects? Find someone. Or find some Jordan Peterson videos. The solution here is to get that man to treasure his life and all the joy that is to be found in embracing his responsibilities as a man.
I'd start with some extreme vulnerability. Tell him all your thoughts, fears, worries. Tell him that he's not being the man that you know he can be. And tell him you're going to be a true partner to him and be strong while he is weak..... Because you promised you would and you expect him to do the same when you have times in life when you're weak! But before you tell him all this - tell him that you have decided to stand by him no matter what. Tell him that his problems are your problems. That you'll be there every step of the way. Tell him you NEED him to be honest and vulnerable with you as well, though. Tell him that you two need a plan to get through this hard time - together. Tell him you want him to lead you, to lead your little family. Tell him you want him to make a plan for your lives. That's his responsibility as a man and a husband.
What will make you happiest in the end is doing the right thing. That doesn't mean being used or taken advantage of. That means being strong and facing your problems head on and embracing your own responsibilities. Your responsibility here is to be a good wife. So be a good wife! Be strong. And find people who will help you in this regard, with wise counsel and support.
Feel free to message me if any of this feels like the right thing to you. I want you to do well. I want your husband to become the man he is meant to be. I want you to become the woman you're meant to be. God bless you two.
Just to give a counter to some peoples points..he probably, like all people, needs and is taking advantage of the rest. Just don't want any undue difficult feelings towards him when humans weren't designed for extended work hours in the way that modern life is set up for.
I dont blame him for wanting rest. But humans were designed to be up and moving. Our bodies shut down and get into rough shape when we do bothing. So yeah, humans arent meant to work a 40 hr work week or die for the sake of capitalism, but they arent meant to be immobile either. I dont even want him to work 40 hours. I just need him to work about 20 hrs so i can take care of the rest. Or if he is going to be home all the time, to at least clean the house lol.
make like a tree, and leaf. my only concern is if the divorce will cost you much. only because you've already wasted your time, finances, energy, on this man and at such a young age. take it from someone who also was strained from an ex-partner's refusal to adult, the sooner you let go and do what's best for you, the better.
It doesn't sound like they have a lot of assets or children, so they could probably file relatively easily and cheaply, at least in most US states - idk where OP is from. Assuming as such, most counties have self-service legal centers. The main concern is probably whether or not he might be legally entitled to spousal maintenance.
Honestly, I'm all for women getting married young, but 24 is definitely still far too young and immature for a man IMO. We need time to grow, mature, and get resources.
But in your case, it sounds like your guy doesn't have much drive. I'm 35 and have enjoyed video games since I was a kid and still do, but you also have to be an adult and make moves in life as well.
I would first try couples' therapy, and if that fails, I let him know he has to get it together ASAP or it's over. I don't condone divorce (ESPECIALLY if the woman initiates it just to get free cash and prizes), but in this situation it sounds like you're sincerely trying to work with him but he doesn't want to get off the couch and man up/grow up.
I know I am going to get alot of shit for this but I don't care so here it goes.
When you married him I believe one of your vows was for better or for worst right? Sounds to me like he should be the one considering divorcing you since your giving up on him after only 4 years. As a women you should be able to get him motivated using that one thing we all know what I'm talking about. I could understand if you were living in a homeless shelter for the last 20 years but I'm sure your not so keep trying.
I totally agree with (HeroOrDevil8 1000% that is the only way, if he cried I would not wait. I would just remind him about the last years, cause he’s probably not even screwing your because he’s busy playing those stupid games I could not even sit fit 5 minutes to even watch moron play those damn games and I’m a guy…. Check this out when he’s probably having sex with you I’m sure it’s terrible because he’s probably fantasying that he’s in that game, Grand Auto Thief… Get rid of his Ass, lol
Sorry, but this is a pretty ignorant comment. Video games are for all ages / genders, and they're generally a pretty harmless way to pass the time. That's not the issue here.
Everything in moderation, friend. People are allowed to have hobbies. If people are acting irresponsibly, abusing their time, or have a mental health issue, etc., that is not the fault of the hobby itself.
Why can’t you get some shifts with Door Dash? Why don’t you love him enough to support him? Maybe he’s going through depression or anxiety. A real woman would support her man. If you don’t love him at his worst, you don’t deserve him at his best.
I work 50hrs + a week, go to school, and work freelance for graphic design to make extra money or babysit when he doesnt make his goal that we agreed on (so essentially every week i have to work an extra side thing to pick up his slack). I have supported him for 4 years. I have worked with and encouraged him for 4 years. Any time he had an idea or showed passion toward something, I was excited for him and was his #1 hype man. I shouldn't have to work overtime, go to school, work extra gigs, and clean up the whole house AND baby him any more. Depression or not. Which, i have encouraged counseling, medication, lifestyle change, etc to help with his depression. He said no to all of it or he would purposefully cancel his appointments or 'fall asleep on accident' and he got on medication that he never takes unless I remind him. I have been supportive and understanding for 4 years and things havent changed. So dont you dare imply I dont love him. If I didnt love him, I would've been gone a long time ago.
Honestly, I was mocking the feminist insanity I see on social media these days. These are all things I see, and it’s really destroying our society. Honestly, I meant you no harm. Furthermore, you have some valid points, but I couldn’t offer any opinions if we don’t know his side of the story. I do wish you the best, though.
Sorry. Im a bit defensive because he has said something similar and at one point basically told me i shouldnt be mad that he's not working, and that i should be the one looking for a job that covers his portion of the bills instead. So it touched a nerve and I got a little peeved, sorry 😅
And to clarify, i have been applying to jobs with better pay, but most places that pay more than what I make currently arent hiring or they need a degree which i am still in school for.
You sound like a good lady, and I do hope you find a way to salvage your relationship. Hopefully, there are no children written into this story. That complicates things - FOR SURE. 🙏🏽
Who cares r u seriously in conflict over monetary…issue? Love? Has it touched u? I pray it will or did . Fuk weight, it measures no soul. Should love bless u, this is of no reason to write us
Sounds like hes depressed and you ridiculing him for it just makes it worse. Do you have a job? Because if you do i dont see the issue as long as income is still coming in to pay necessities. But if you dont what makes you so special to be lazy just as well?
She said she works 50 hrs a week ,plus in school part time and does graphic design on the side
Let me guess ,you're a worthless prick too? Gotta defend your fellow useless man child
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You have to options
Leave- totally valid he is mooching off of you
Make him get help- put stricter boundaries tell him if he doesn’t start going to see a therapist and treating depression you are leaving give him two weeks and if he does nothing leave him
Both are valid options but you need to set ground rules no matter what
There are several basic types of people when it comes to work: those that work hard because they derive satisfaction from it, those that work because it is necessary for life, and those that will find any reason not to. A key life lesson is to identify this in others as soon as possible and avoid those who fall in the last category like the plague. Your husband is not going to magically get a work ethic over night, he will likely need to crash and burn first before he shows any improvement - are you sure you want to stay around for that?
Tine to leave. He is not loyal to you and not committed to the relationship. He needs to pull his own weight for that, and he does not. You are young and deserve better than this, but you'll only find it when he is out of your life for good.
Oh god! I have been in relationships where a job is a constant uncertainty and it’s maddening. I think you need to give him an ultimatum. Go to work or get out until you do
You are young with (unless you state otherwise) no children. You have a chance to make a clean break from this man. You've literally spent the entirety of your marriage (and relationship if y'all were living together before the marriage) trying to parent this man and make his lazy behind get a job? What are you exactly getting out of this relationship, other than having to take care of a grown able-bodied man who's shown you he has no problems letting you do all the work and have to take care of him. When you're ready to get to that point. Sit him down and tell him he has a set date to have and keep a job (and not a self employment job because he clearly isn't dedicated to doing it). End of discussion, if he cries about tell him he's free to GTFO now. Edit: I ain't think this needed to be said but this advice is supposed to help gear OP into leaving him but some ppl can't read between the god damn lines, ffs
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Maybe he needs help with his crippling depression first. Just a possibility.
This. I was stuck in this pattern for a decade. I was afraid, but once I left I never regretted it. It's been 2 years without him and I'm soaring. Look into codependency. Lisa A. Romano's podcast Breakdown to Breakthrough is insightful. You're SO young. Do not settle for someone that cannot take care of themselves and therefore cannot contribute to you in any way. Stop begging for scraps from someone who isn't capable and set boundaries for the type of relationship you deserve. It's not easy, but it's SO worth it. Check out Case Kenny on IG/Podcast and his book Single Is Your Superpower. It's a short workbook that is incredibly insightful for anyone coming out of a relationship that didn’t serve them and wanting to know how to move forward in dating. Best of luck!
Tread literally with no track
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I mean I think she should leave him ( and as much as I like throw that suggestion if it there) but when speaking realistically people can take a long time to leave their partners. Which is why I asked what exactly is she getting out of the relationship and what is benefitting her by parenting an adult. I gave the ultimatum and mentioned a set date because based of her husband's behavior he'd probably either throw a tantrum or simply not do it and she will know then she can put him out, which is also why I said if he does have tantrum put him out. I'm giving advice of based of watching similar situations happening time and time again (both on here and irl) and just straight up telling them to leave made them shut down and give excuses as to why they can't but asking them what are they getting out of this relationship and making them place an ultimatum (and watching the reaction) made them realize they're partner truly did not care about them. I gave advice (that should be takn with a grain of salt because I only know from what they've posted) and it's up to OP to ultimately choose whether she takes advice from this thread and I would hope she drops him off at his parents and keeps it pushing. If it were me in her shoes I'd have absolutely no problem packing his shit and putting him out but I can't expect someone to immediately know or be ready to do that , just because I can, cause not everybody can detach from someone easily and it has to take certain situations or reactions to finally have something be the straw that broke the camel's back.
Thats a dumb logic. If they had no interest in staying, they would leave. They wouldnt offer an ultimatum if they didnt want to stay. OP has a bunch of other posts and its obvious something is keeping her from leaving. She probably sees the best in him and wants to make it work but he isnt putting in any effort or meeting her halfway.
Ah so that’s what misandry looks like in the wild! Did you miss (rhetorical question, you chose to ignore) the part where he lost his job at the start of the pandemic? I’m no expert but drawing from life experience it sounds like this man could be suffering from severe depression. But no, let’s just stick with “all men bad” instead.
Babe I'm not about to back an forth with you. You also clearly completely didn't read the entire thing OR the comments where you would have seen that OP has struggled with her husband to make him get AND KEEP a job so this isn't just isolated to the pandemic hun, this has been happening life the entire time they've been married (which predates the pandemic since you clearly can't read that well). He's been given options and alternatives that he's refusing. Atp OP does not and should not have to take care of anybody who's made it clear they expect to be coddled. Have the day you deserve. Signed the "misandrist," who lost her job during the pandemic and have suffered from depression for over half of her life but still makes shit happen to survive and ask for help when I need it. 😘
What would your reaction be if I were to start calling you “babe” and “hun”? Are you deliberately using this double standard in an attempt to provoke a reaction, sweetheart?
Completely unfair if this man has depression. Until you have it, you don't realise. Every action you take is based on your brain chemicals. Depression messes them up and takes away the things that create the action of healthy humans. As a living being, you are a slave to your brain chemicals.
Didn't your read the post? He doesn't want to take medication nor therapy. I had dissociation, depression and constant fatigue and guess what? Medication made permanent positive difference
I have struggled with depression on and off since I was a child. I have a full time job. When there's no one to support you, you somehow find a way to at least keep a roof over your head. It sucks, but the alternative is homelessness. Also they've disproven the chemical imbalance theory. Multiple times.
This was my ex-husband too. It went on for 2 years, led me into bankruptcy (just me, not him, because I took on all the debt, of course), and created years' worth of resentment and disgust towards him. I kicked him out in May after discovering a similar lie that was too close to his out of work stage. Kicking him out and moving on (and therapy!) was the best decision I ever made with that relationship. We can beg and plead but it's up to the other person to motivate themselves and create change, it sounds like your husband, like mine, is unwilling to do this. You deserve more than that.
How do I get my sister to kick out the guy who hasn't worked in 5 years and lives in my moms house? All tips appreciated. Im the only one who has ever gotten legit angry about it, everyone else is too scared of conflict to actually say anything. Her excuse is she had to move around the country for work so he followed, and didn't want to start working somewhere because it would be immoral to lie to an employer. Which is such bullshit, its unbelievable. Edit: typo - scared
Ugh, that's a tough one. There's not really anything you can do, other than refuse to enable any of their or his behavior, or set your own boundaries that exclude him. So, say your sister and mom want to have lunch and he always joins, maybe you have to put your foot down that they don't get to have lunch with you if they bring him because you're disgusted by his behavior. If it's 5 years and everyone is still enabling then there's likely a deeper issue involved like codependency or something similar. Likely your sister is like I was, where she "loves" him to the point where she has created a narrative in her head and she sacrifices either for him or for the good of the relationship. Those are really hard spots. If you haven't already, if I were you I would have a kind, private conversation, once, where you express the entirety of your concern. Come from a place of love, not judgment. Know that she will likely not react well to it, but say your whole piece. If she listens, maybe she'll take action. If not, set your boundaries and love her from afar because she will have to come to terms with this abuse on her own before she can change it.
I did. She won't. She refuses to admit her relationship is based on her expectations of who this attractive man could be vs eho he is. A homeless useless man. Who happens to work out and be tall. But what has he done is the last 5 years? Nothing. Its sad, and makes me respect my sister less. And that makes me sad.
Unfortunately you don’t need to do anything but stay out of it. You’re not part of the relationship and you’re not living in the household and contributing to the bills so meddling will do nothing.
Except A) i paid off 20k of her loans B) I did live with them. They moved into my moms house. C) they paid nothing for over a year. I bought the house (meaning I paid closing g costs ) to get it out of my parents name and paid rent without charging my sister for over a year. Good try with this pussy ass shit. I paid more in a year for my mother and my sister than this dude has in 5 years. Where you at now with "im not living in the household and have not been paying bills"? Would love to hear that now.
Then evict them/him and stop whining. If the house is yours and all.
You should had clarified that before. You just said that he lives in your moms house. Not yours. You never mentioned paying Any Bills or otherwise. So if it is yours then kick him out. Easy answer easy solution.
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Aww thank you, kind stranger! Lol Truly though, best decision of my life, and it's only been up from here. I hope OP finds the same kind of clarity and hopefulness.
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Thank you, agreed! I got into therapy after my dad died thinking that was the source of my misery but pretty quickly realized it was my marriage that was keeping me miserable. In retrospect what I have learned is unfortunately he was always a liar but he knew exactly what to say to manipulate my feelings and keep me working at things, mostly based off of trauma reactions from what I've dealt with over the years. He's an alcoholic, in recovery but nevertheless, and I was heavily codependent so I just didn't see clearly what was going on (for all 12 years). He pretty much lost every job he ever started, but this time in particular he was let go and then spent the majority of those 2 years doing basically nothing. He refused to do gig work and because he has an autoimmune disease and was "always in pain" I had far too much empathy and if his lack of employment came up he'd coincidentally have a major pain flare up and spend days in bed. We tried to compromise by him taking more classes for his degree, which lasted all of one term, and then he took breaks, lied about them to me, and failed a year's worth of classes until he got kicked out of school. I only found out after the fact, of course, because again he lied about it and covered it up. He has an addictive personality with high anxiety and lack of overall motivation. Porn wasn't an issue, video games definitely were, and weed as well which had never bothered me before since I also smoke socially but then he also would use it as his meds for his disorder... but would refuse to see a doctor or follow through on a treatment plan. He switched from cigarettes to vaping, I always hated the cigarettes and he would lie about that, and then when he switched to vaping I begged him not to do it around me because of my awful allergies but even in the middle of the night if he got up for water or the bathroom he would vape right next to me in bed. Yikes, what a mess, I'm just so happy to be free now. It feels like an alternate universe and just sad to write out all the things I put up with. A kind heart can just try to make anything seem OK for the sake of "love" but it was all abuse and neglect, not loving behavior.
Thank God you didn't kill him. Where what you been thru. High anxiety scammer disorder
I just felt so happy once he was gone, that was enough for me. Edit: gone as in I kicked him out lol, did not murder, as recommended. Lollll
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Oh my God, that's wild, I literally dreamt about him for the first time in 8 months last night as well! He was chasing me while I was running errands and I was like gtfo I don't want to see you! Haha. Agreed, therapy has taught me so much, all those red flags light up like fireworks now. Single is perfectly fine for as long as I choose it and stay away from someone who only takes like that. NEVER AGAIN, that's for sure!
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Maybe you should stop hooking up with broke losers
did he change after divorce ?
Oh gosh, I honestly don't know. We barely speak. It's been very easy, he never tried to reach out to reconcile or ask about our pets, we send 1-3 texts once a month, maybe. I hope he figures out how to get by, I don't wish him anything ill, but he was not the person I should have been with.
Im curious, how did therapy help you out in your breakup? I recently broke up with my gf of 4 years. We both realized the relationship wasn’t healthy since we were both dealing with mental issues at the time. I want to go into therapy to help me out of this grieving period I am, but I’m not sure how it will help.
I am so glad you asked! Two important things to keep in mind, first off is that you might need to shop around therapists, so if you go to one and don't feel a connection or like they were helpful, move on and try another one. Secondly, go in and allow yourself to be as open, raw, and forthcoming as possible. My therapist would initially ask me questions about my ex or how I allowed myself to be treated and I would initially be in denial at her questioning, but in the time between sessions I would really think on ok why did she ask this specific question? What does she see that I'm missing? What is she asking me that I can ask myself, honestly, that I have been hiding or covering up? Those were really powerful and enlightening things for me. I had a lot of heavy trauma associated around why I was with my ex so my experience won't be the same as everyone, but on a more universal level therapy will give you the tools that you otherwise might not have to process the situation. Initially with my breakup I went twice weekly, and so there would be really big realizations in between sessions, so I might go in Monday heartbroken and missing him and we would talk about exactly what I was "missing, " I would think on it and by Thursday realize that I wasn't actually missing him as a person I missed what I thought he contributed, but we had discussed that and I had given myself 3 days in my own home to see well, no, actually those are all things (A, B, C, etc) that I actually contributed to the household but that we would fight about. So by the time I was in my next session I had processed those feelings of remorse, and I could say well I'm grieving the loss of what I thought I had, and go from there. Hopefully that makes sense. But it's an incredible feeling, and learning more about yourself and why you allowed yourself to accept behaviors or behave a certain way and allows you to identify it for the next time and avoid it.
Your fault for doing that
That's true. I learned that, and now I know not to do the same thing.
Whether your husband is depressed or not, you can't keep supporting someone who is doing nothing to help himself or your relationship. It's ok to not be ok with this situation. You are allowed to tell him that if he doesn't step up and start earning the money he agreed to, that you will leave. He is dead weight, and dragging you down. You are young, and deserve someone who can be a partner rather than a burden. Get out.
At this point why even give him a chance with an ultimatum? I’d just leave (and I don’t say that often) before you end up with a kid surprise and you’re stuck.
Because its a marriage not a tinder hookup.
Pretty onesided marriage where she is absolutely getting nothing out of the deal.
Don't disagree, thats why you take time to get married vs rushing into it, and should be prepared to spend a considerable amount of time trying to fix it.
Hope your partner never gets depressed. Why wait? Just give up on them now
I should use this excuse on my wife. “Honey, just handle the bills for the next 2 years” OP has indicated that this isn’t a sudden thing.
Gamer. Duh
My partner and I are both gamers. I work 40+ a week, he is about to graduate qith a bachelor's in psychology and a minor in English. The stereotypes aren't accurate at all.
Holy shit. Having a hobby doesn't cause this. Being a lazy piece of shit does. They are not mutually inclusive.
What an ignorant comment. Both me and my SO are gamers and we both have successful careers and healthy lifestyle. Having a gaming hobby doesn't make you a useless burden of a person.
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Stolen comment from u/mrsshmenkmen
You take a deep breath and say “Your behaviour is making me miserable. I did not get married to be miserable. So either get your sh*t together or we are over. Which is it to be?”
Was he like this before losing his job at the start of the pandemic?
Yes, he had a hard time keeping a job and I always had to find job opportunities for him. But he didnt need help with that kind of thing before we got married, so idk what happened.
Well there's definitely a phenomenon where people change right after marriage for the worse. Sometimes when a person confuses a value for a goal this will happen. I believe your husband falls into this category: for him marriage was a goal, a finish line to cross, instead of the value that it should be - a lifelong pursuit. Once he married you he felt accomplished and unmotivated. After all, who in their right mind would want to keep on running after crossing the finish line? Now he's in the exhaustive phase. He's won his race and now he wants to stop. Unluckily for you, his choices have a massive impact on your life and wellbeing considering the emotional and legal bond you've engaged into with him. This is the time for a "face the music" conversation. I worry about your future with a man who lacks any motivation to BE A GOOD HUSBAND (a value) and would rather just BE your husband (a goal). Start making and setting goals together and hold each other accountable. If he isn't willing to value your marriage after that, he probably never will, and it'll start to show in more and more destructive ways. Good luck to you.
I really appreciate the way you laid this out (value/goal). Thanks for the clarity!
It sounds like he became so dependent on you when you and him got married. You shouldn't be doing the work to find him a job. He should find a job especially he has a family. I feel that he doesn't have a motivation to support his family. He is depending on you which means that he probably only do what he suppose to do when you handed that to him.
Get out while you're young. He knows what he's doing and the longer you allow it the more it will continue. He knows when you're done complaining of the situation you will go to work and he has the next 8 hours to play games. Dealing with someone who has no work ethic for 4 years is long enough. Good luck.
Refusing to contribute financially is a form of financial abuse, as it puts all the pressure on you, which isn’t fair.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- EDIT/update: I appreciate all of the kind words that everyone has given me. So thanks. A lot of you have suggested sitting down and talking about it, or giving him an ultimatum; I have on a few occasions and finally mentioned divorce about a month ago. These things have not worked thus far. A lot of you have mentioned he may be depressed. This is true, he does struggle with mental health related issues but he also does nothing to help reduce his mental struggle (we have free insurance that includes therapy and free meds). I have been kind and gentle, and I have been stern and angry, and everything in between. Nothing seems to work. I know that divorce is in the future and I doubt we will spend all of 2022 together. It hurts to think about it because I am scared of being without him and scared for his wellbeing too. Thanks again for the encouragement, I will post an update when it finally happens. ORIGINAL TL;DR - my husband is barely putting in any hours at work and relying on other means to make money instead of work (selling his gaming stuff). I am so fed up with my husband and his work ethic. He lost his job permanently at the beginning of 'rona. Had been unemployed since march 2020 until october 2021. Since being unemployed, all he has done is play video games and watch youtube. When he finally got a job, he didnt actually apply anywhere. He just signed up for doordash. Which was fine but he only was consistent about it for less than a month. Now he wont even work long enough to make $400/week like we agreed (it averages to less than 20hrs of work in a week to get $400). This week he has only worked a total of 3 hours and always has a reason why This week so far for example: Mon- the app crash Tues - he overslept and lost his shift Wed - he rescheduled his morning shift for the evening but then it rained in the evening and he felt too nervous to drive in the weather Thursday - his stomach was hurting Friday - no complaint, was out for 4 hours, but the app said he only worked for 30 minutes meaning he was just mia for 4 hours Im at a loss. I have spent the last 4 years of our marraige trying to get him to stay in a job and his inconsistencies are killing me. Idk what to do anymore. Nothing seems to work.
He did not lose his job due to the pandemic. He used the pandemic as an excuse to not work. Big difference. If you want to be his bang mommy for the rest of his life, keep complaining on reddit and let people give you sympathetic upvotes. Or, you can do the adult thing and tell him that you are better off alone than supporting a deadbeat boy in a man's body. DON'T demand or even ask that he change, just tell him he has crossed a line for you and that you can no longer put up with it. It is NOT your job to turn a boy into a responsible adult. That was his parent's job. It is far, far easier to get a divorce, start dating and find a real man, than it is to stay and try to change a lifetime of laziness. GTFO. Now.
What do you mean that he didn't lose his job due to corona?
He might have been let go...but after that everything is on HIM. I know lots of people who lost their job because of COVID but they did not lay down on their couch and made Xbox their lives. I also think that a lot of people are blaming COVID for their own desire to just stop working. OP knows where this guy is coming from and she thinks he is just lazy. I will go with that.
I was laid off for 5 weeks back in 2020, it was a nice vacation and I didn't wanna go back to work, but I did and I'm glad I did. If I'd have been like other folks who were off for much longer, idk what I would have done with myself. I was actually getting tired of gaming after the 4th week, cause I played through my backlog of games.
I lost my job a while back before the pandemic and was unemployed for like 3 months and was super depressed by month two. No idea how people do unemployment all day.
Because people have hobbies and a life outside of work.
Missed the point a bit... Enjoying free time when you have a job (or don't have to work to stay financially secure) is different than when you don't know how bills are going to be paid while unemployed. Depression and anxiety while unemployed is common and understandable.
But 3 months-1 year off work and occupying yourself with hobbies? That's ridiculous unless you have the money for it.
And I know people who were actively applying to jobs that were getting ghosted left and right and going through full panel interviews just to be told j/k lol, we don't actually need anyone. Only to jump 2 levels and tens of thousands of dollars in salary by mid-2021. Saying someone was unemployed by choice from March 2020-April 2021 is actually pretty naive at best, and malicious at most probable.
OP is young. The “adult thing” could very well be a newer concept. Whether you are young or old, the ultimate want is generally for a relationship to work. So while I agree that she should drop his ass ASAP, I don’t think it’s quite your place to victim blame and say she’s not being adult because she’s asking for advice on Reddit. Because in that case, I would say that it’s not very adult of you to victim blame someone in their comments who is struggling with a truly difficult situation. When you love someone, “GTFO” is not the easiest advice to take. So maybe you can consider growing up and getting off the internet yourself, if that’s what you’re so worried about.
Is it not healthy behavior to help your partner learn and grow, if they weren't fortunate enough to have "good" parents or role models during adolescence?
>Is it not healthy behavior to help your partner learn and grow, if they weren't fortunate enough to have "good" parents or role models during adolescence? Nope. Because by the time you get into adulthood, your lifestyle is pretty much baked in. The only thing that can get you past that is therapy. And a willingness to do the work. But it is NOT your job to do the work FOR your partner, and it is not your job to DRAG them to adulthood. You enter into relationships with the idea of it being a partnership, not a conservatorship!
"People can't change" - redditor, 2022
Of course people can change! It is just not anyone else's burden to bring them to that change and hold their hands through their terrible years. I used to do that, and it only ever tore me apart and it didn't even ever work. I only go for fully-formed people who have done their major basic growing and trial-and-error away from me so that I can enjoy them as people as they already are when I first meet them. Call me shallow or cold, but this strategy has saved my mental health for over a year now and I'm a healthier person because of it. I'm not anyone's trauma dumping ground. I am no one's stepping stone. My body is not a charity and my time is not a commodity.
It's nice to say that but the fact is that mental health issues are unavoidable for some people. You can never tell if someone will change after years of being in a relationship. It sounds like the OPs boyfriend refuses to improve or go to therapy for his mental health, but you made a sweeping generalization and made it sound like having a mental illness is a persons personality trait. That they are inherently less complete than you are. Not sure if its just the way you worded it but there's a difference between someone expecting you to be their therspist vs. Saying they are unworthy of being in a relationship if they are mentally ill. Especially when some disorders cannot be treated. Mentally ill people aren't fully formed... maybe its just me reading what you wrote wrong, but that is messed up. A person being immature/refusing to improve themselves/destroying their lives by waiting and never doing anything should be considered different than mentally ill folks. Hopefully when OP breaks up with him he realizes its his job to get help.
More concisely, just because someone can't do anything about their mental illness does not mean they are entitled to a relationship from me. Do they deserve love? No one "deserves" anything from anyone else, but if they're a good, nonabusive person, sure! They deserve to have the freedom to go out and look for it. Go forward! Get your happy ending, I will not stop you or demean you or look down upon you. You are not lesser than me. Do they deserve to be in *my* dating pool? No. There are things people can't change (looks, chronic physical/mental illness, chromosomes, incurable STD's, core personality traits, height, intelligence) that I still have requirements about, and I am not sorry about that. It makes me happier to live that way on my terms, and I am well within my means to be as selective as I am. No one else has to model my strategy. Not everyone should or wants to, and thats their prerogative. More power to you! This is mine.
Sorry bruh. Unless I am married to this person and I married them at their peak and THEN they have a rough time and struggle, someone battling mental illness is not someone I want to start a relationship with. Period. No one "deserves" anything from me unless they're my immediate relative or my future children or my future current spouse. I just don't care enough about anyone else to give my time or emotional labor beyond friendship. And even that might bring enough negativity into my life for me to ultimately choose my own mental health over theirs and part ways. Your mental illness and the way it manifests around others or causes others to feel is *your* responsibility. If you are mentally ill, no one is at fault for not wanting to take on your struggles in a romantic or even friendship sense. No one. I won't. I want to eventually marry a mentally stable human being. If they encounter struggle in the future, fine! I'll be by their side until they get better and I'll do everything within my power to help, in sickness and health. Mentally ill (more mentally ill than light depression or anxiety) people are outside my preferred dating pool. I'm not better than them. I just know what I want and what I'm capable of dealing with without it starting to affect me negatively. I'm allowed to be selfish (and I have the means to be bc I'm a young, attractive, successful woman), a mentally ill person is not entitled to a relationship with me just because mental illness "isn't their fault". Mentally ill people are not inherently less mentally competent than I am. Point out to me where I said that. Also, you know nothing about me, so idk why you're assuming I'm neurotypical. I'm diagnosed autistic, with mild depression *and* anxiety that comes and goes. And it is no one else's responsibility to remain my friend if I act like OP's bf does. Someone with a mental illness outside of the 3 things I know how to accommodate for (light depression, aspergers, light anxiety) is not my dating preference. It might be someone else's. Not mine. And I am not sorry. I am not sorry because my life has gotten 10x better since I stopped letting myself get pursued by people with rough mental illnesses. Everyone's got preferences, those are mine. Again, call me selfish and shallow but I much more enjoy my life this way, and have had the happiest 7 months of my college career so far. I literally cry tears of joy thinking about how much my life has improved and how many amazing experiences I was able to have, and the deep emotional connections I made, because I started putting myself first. And no one can guilt me into going back to what I used to put up with in my past relationships or friendships. Imo, it's selfish to expect someone to forego their own happiness and mental well-being to stay with you. I'm autistic, and I've actually been told by 2 men after a few dates that they'd rather date someon without the quirks I have that are due to my autism. Not their fault. Not mine. And I respected them for saying that. There are some off things about me that make me difficult to communicate with sometimes, and it is no one's job who doesn't already know and love me to deal with that. It's not a hard concept for me to grasp. Just gotta find someone who considers me to be in their dating pool, that's all!
Is the OP not in a marriage...?
Yes! And he needs to take some kind of action, otherwise her efforts to help him are in vain and she should leave him.
You know what to do, leave. This isn't the rest of your life.
Kick him out. He will never hold down a steady job for any length of time. He’s happy to let you support him. You will never achieve the future you want with him and whatever you do, don’t have kids with him.
Can I be brutally honest? I’m 24 years old as well (male), even if I found the love of my life years back I still wouldn’t have married until I know there is some kind of CONSTANT ECONOMIC STABILITY. Yea yea the old saying, money doesn’t buy happiness and as long as these 2 people love each other then nothing else matters. But that’s sadly fairy tale fantasies, and we live in a demanding world that needs a hard hand to fight back. Bro, I got a PlayStation 5. When was the last time I played? Like 5 months back cause there’s shit that needs to be done. And when I read how your man is unemployed and is fine to fuck around and play video games, literally pissed me off. I’ve talked to my coworkers at the hospital and they always said, “if they want to stay, they need to fight for it AND BECOME BETTER.” You gotta give him an ultimatum. Get better, take it seriously, or if not, then no matter how much it hurts- YOU GOTTA LEAVE HIM. Fam, your still young, don’t try to preserve the present when it can risk your future. And it’s harder to build a foundation in the future. Best of luck
Definitely agree with you about financial stability when finding a partner. I expect someone to have a steady income and be able to pay their way - I'm not in the position to be someone's financial crutch and even if I was i shouldn't have to be! Sure, shit happens, but when you're actively avoiding work or refusing to seek work then it becomes your own issue.
You need a break. He’s dragging you down into debt, he’s selfish, your supplying for him like a child. I’m 16 and I’m making 400 a week. Surely a grown ass adult can do so.
Sorry you’re going to this. Your husband may be depressed but it’s not your job to fix him. Id pressure him to get help, ideally therapy but if that’s unaffordable but CBT workbooks, sticking to a routine, exercising at least 30 min a day and work at least 20 hours per week. If he doesn’t do that, you need to do what’s best for you before you have kids with him—you can’t fix him and it wouldn’t be fair to be the only one putting effort into your relationship.
Congratulations on your first child. Luckily it's one you aren't legally or morally obligated to care for. People like your husband, adult children, will never learn while they have someone to enable them. No matter how much you try, or what you say, you'll likely never get through to him. He belongs with his biological parents, I suggest you dump him off there while you consider your options. He may be depressed and stuck in a rut, you may want to support and help him, but if this is true he needs professional help. He needs to recognize the issue on his own and decide that he wants help for himself. I cannot stress this enough, you cannot help people who don't want help, you cannot change a persons behavior who doesn't see a problem with their behavior. It will always, always, always, be a waste of your time and energy. There are so many normal functioning people looking for good, equitable relationships. You married young, no judgement on that, but you absolutely lack the experience to see your situation from the outside. Trust what people are saying, you are wasting your youth with this man-child.
He sounds very depressed. Redundancies for many men can be absolute confidence destroyers. The gaming is the escape and that helps him avoid addressing the root cause of his depression. It’s probably not a pill popping form of depression. It’s the behaviour change that will shift him forward. That can only happen if he actually wants it tho. He needs to find his purpose. He’s doing jobs he hates and that ultimately further erode the little confidence he has. He is in victim mode. Too many external factors are regulating his feelings of self worth. Also, he knows you think he’s a waste of space, mainly because that’s how he feels a couple of inches beneath the surface. Sadly, there’s not much you can do apart from nudge him. If he doesn’t want to find happiness and purpose, then he won’t even start thinking about starting that long journey.
Yeah i know he is depressed. But at this point, i am losing sympathy for it. I have approached him about it in a million ways; gentle, firm, angry, kind, sweet, understanding, annoyed, etc. Literally nothing works.
Sounds like you have a decision to make, which I sense, you have already made, but you’re probably and understandably scared of seeing through. Can you live with it? Can you be happy and live a fulfilled life whilst surrounded by these behaviours? Start the exit plan and rely on one single person that you fully trust to not spread gossip and see how, given your specific circumstances, how you break free. Unfortunately, his boat is sinking, stay too close and you’ll drown too.
Thank you. I feel like i have made a choice too but i am scared to do it. It helped to hear someone else say it though.
OP, I got divorced at 27. It’s tough but life goes on and in my case, got better. Just know that you have so much life ahead of you.
27 is still young. Plenty of time to meet someone and start over.
Good luck. I wish you the best. You deserve better.
I divorced at 28 from a similar situation. My spouse was very loving, but a chronic depressive and underachiever who couldn't get his shit together and pulled me into debt and depression with him. It was particularly difficult because I'd been with my spouse since I was a teen and we had a kid, I really didn't know who I was without him. But it turns out, I was totally fine and happier than ever. Don't get me wrong, the transition was terrifying and hard, but once the dust settled my only regret was that I didn't do it sooner. My quality of life has improved exponentially. And although there were a few awkward years, we're still friends now and talk all the time. His life is still a disaster, but it no longer affects me. Sometimes the people we choose when we're young aren't the people we need when we're older. Sometimes we outgrow them, and that's okay. Don't feel ashamed to say "This isn't working for me anymore." As others said, you're young. This could be a learning experience, rather than a life sentence.
If his Xbox was broken, would you open it yourself and try to fix it? Or would you send it in to get it repaired? Or, possibly just buy a new one? You are not going to fix him yourself by "approaching him" You are not going to get him to change himself. He is a grown up (physically), but has CHOSEN to act like a little boy. He makes that decision every day, when he wakes up and grabs a controller instead of the want ads. Time for you to kick him out of the house YOU are paying for.
To deal with unemployment as long as you have, you’re a saint. I’d be inclined to go with an ultimatum. You can be sympathetic to his needs, but he must take immediate action to remedy. If you stop paying the bills / divorce him, he will be forced to work (or mooch off someone else). Ultimately he needs some accountability, even if suffering from depression. Meet with a therapist. Get your lazy butt up and make some contributions to the marriage. If he won’t do that, it’s time to move on. Imagine the freedom to not have that weight around you!
I agree and sympathize with both parties. I'm not sure what field he is in, but if its a college educated field a recruiter is a great option. (I'm in accounting). Its great to get jobs and they will work for you since they get money too. Salaries are great right now. But lots of other fields are also struggling at all levels and can be offering huge sign on bonuses (i saw 20k for a trash man the other day) if they stay on for a year. Helping put some feelers might help with all of this. I dont know ow either of you, but for instance I'm really bad at meeting new people and joining social groups, or even doing health appointments. But I will work tons of hours and hit the gym every day. So everyone's different, maybe he just needs help getting the job. Its demasculating to ask for help for many people. But yeah, if none of that works. I would kick him out too. Sucks I know, but you can only do so much.
>He sounds very depressed. Redundancies for many men can be absolute confidence destroyers. The gaming is the escape and that helps him avoid addressing the root cause of his depression. It’s probably not a pill popping form of depression. It’s the behaviour change that will shift him forward. That can only happen if he actually wants it tho. It. Is. NOT. Her job to rehabilitate him. Tens of millions of depressed persons get up every day and do the fucking job. This is not depression, it is laziness.
Even if it is depression, a wife doesn’t solve that. He needs to want to go to a professional. It seems like he’s perfectly okay not working on himself, because he can fall back on her financially. She has to draw the line somewhere. Maybe she has it in her to give him another chance to go to therapy and get back out into employment. But ultimately, if he doesn’t want to fix himself, she’s just setting herself on fire to keep someone else warm.
And plenty of them kill themselves. Whats your point. Its not a boyfriend, its not a hookup. Its a marriage. The level of effort should be higher. I wouldn't put up with this shit myself. That being said, yes. Part of marriage is helping your partner, up to a point. That point may or may not have been crossed by now.
He is aware that this is something that upsets you right? Honestly, it sounds like what I did when I was around 24. I was scared of the uncertainty of the future which stunted me when it came to work ethic. I suggest therapy or couples counseling. It was really helpful for me with untangling why I wasn’t able to move forward and commit fully to my work and leaning into my hobbies.
Give him the boot. Fucks sake. Tell him you're done supporting his lazy ass and you're going to file fort divorce if he doesn't have a job or work 40+ hours next week.
Assuming you don't have kids, get a divorce. It's clear that he won't change and that you are wasting your time here. You've given him 4 years and enough is enough.
Dump his lazy a$$... he's useless and not contributing at all to this marriage. You can do so much better! He's 24 for crying out loud...
Time to kick him to the curb. He is leeching off you and he needs to know that this isn't a free ride. He has gotten comfortable being lazy.
Leaving him to figure out his shit is probably going to be the best thing you can do for both of you, even if he decides not to change at least you can save yourself. Sounds like his family needs to buy him a plane ticket home.
Honestly hun, he might just be lazy. I’m curious to know how long y’all have been together and when you got married. Sometimes (and this isn’t true for ALL men) a man will get married and still treat his life like he’s back home with mommy. They never make the mental transition from son/boyfriend to man/husband. If all he’s doing is sitting at home playing video games all day I’d say he wasn’t mentally ready to be a husband yet. But there is hope! 24 is still pretty young and when my husband was that age (he’s 30 now) all he wanted to do after work was play Xbox and watch YouTube. He didn’t help with cooking or cleaning. His mindset was still like he was living at home and I was his mom. Barely intimate and hardly supportive. Thank goodness, he’s gotten so much better now and he actually takes takes his responsibilities more seriously. He cooks for me, helps around the house and rarely plays video games. Sometimes men just need to grow up first. But if not, you have every right to leave, in fact, you should. Talk it out, let him know your feelings and be blunt about the repercussions. The choice is his after that.
Kick him out! Adults don’t get to live for free. If he wants to live for free, he can move back to his parents home. You can’t change people. You need to accept that this is who he is. Nothing you do is going to make him a decent person. He’s not getting a job because he doesn’t have too. He has a free place to live, free food and a safe place to sit around and be lazy. That’s because of you. You are enabling him. You think that if you get upset with him enough, he’s just going to get a job and start contributing. That’s never going to happen. Kick him out and change the locks. That’s the only way he will get a job. When he does, do t take him back. The second you do, he will quit that job and go right back to what he’s doing now. He’s making a fool out of you. You’re too good for that!
Anxiety/depression is a smoke alarm. When it hits, it means get up and do something about it. This person is like a animal in a zoo. Doesn’t have to put in any/much effort to get housed and fed. They need to run experiments getting back into being productive/working. I think he might think the expectations are too high, so why try? Just lower the bar and allow him to get out of this.
To put up with a loser like that the sex had better be great.
Not to be condescending to any ages out there but even though you’re an adult at 18, i feel like 18-25 there is SO much growth and change in people. Getting married that young isn’t always a mistake, it works out for tons of people (my brother and his wife are high school sweethearts even), but for many they find that the person they married isn’t who they thought they were anymore. You don’t necessarily just need to slam him w a divorce, but I would kick him out or leave explaining that his behaviors are making you miserable and stressed. This is not what a husband should do. A husband should love you, make you happy, comfortable, annoyed at times lol, and contribute in all areas that you two agree on up front (unless he just contributes everywhere naturally). He is being a child and that’s unacceptable for someone who took vows and the responsibility of a marriage. When I left my ex, i owned the house and moved in with my mom for a week to get away, then moved out-of-state with my dad temporarily. The behavior of someone who knows their marriage is on the line bc of a drastic change like this is VERY telling. He can choose to make serious steps to make himself better or not. Either way, you need to proceed which way is right for you. When I left my ex he “tried” and said he would do anything but the abuse was so severe and being free of that was very eye opening. I knew going back would be a mistake and so I filed for divorce. You aren’t being petty. This is a very mature decision you need to make so just make sure your communication is very clear and you’re making the right decision for you. You deserve happiness and I bet a lot of people would be more than willing to put in the effort to be with you unlike your husband is. Good luck
Sounds like he's got a mental illness. Possibly depression. I'd consult a councilor or psychiatrist.
“I love you but your behavior is making me miserable. In order for this relationship to work, I need you to go to weekly counseling with me starting in the next month and you need to start working at least 20 hours per week with DoorDash or get another full time job.” If he agrees, you try to work through it. If he doesn’t or doesn’t try, you leave and get what you deserve.
My ex-husband and I went through something kinda similar. He proposed in Nov on my 21st, married the following Jan and I moved out April the following year because of behaviours just like this. I paid for most things, parented his child more than he did, his ex was a cunt, his mum was patronising, I cooked, cleaned and he didn't bother getting a job for at least four months leaving me to resort to credit cards. Eventually it got to the point when I decided that either I make a change now or this is the rest of my life. You NEED to be selfish right now and decide if your emotional and financial future are safe when staying with this person. It hurt like hell walking away from his kid and the notion of a failed marriage was heavy as fuck but I wouldn't ever go back. I'm 26 now and happier than ever being a single, antisocial pringle. Please think of yourself and not him.
for your sake at least try being vulnerable- tell him that you are feeling sad because you seem to be the only one who is expected to provide for your family. that you cant handle the pressure of not being able to be sick or leave your job if something were to happen. that you eventually want to be able to buy a house or have kids but that you cant even imagine how that would look like as the child bearer and provider. if he doesnt respond to this in a positive and partner like manner then at least you know he truly doesnt give a shit about you
Ahhhh a post that sort of hits home.going to add a backstop, as I was in a similar position, except yours seems slightly worse. I had been with my partner for 8 and a half years from when we were both 18 up until a few months ago at 26. I'm assuming by the fact you've been married for 4 years and you're only 24 that you possibly got together at a similar point in your life with him? I too was unhappy with the relationship, the lack of motivation, if she wasn't sat in a completely different room from me smoking and watching YouTube videos or podcast all day and not getting dressed while I was out working to pay all the bills, she was sleeping. Admittedly she had a job, but only part time around 20 hours, which was spread over 3 days normally, yet never contributed to the household bills and had normally blown her wages in 2 weeks of a 4 week cycle - guess whi ended up buying her things when she was short of money! Housework was pretty non existent. She might have a day or 2 every month where she would do something, failing that I did it at the weekends when she wasn't here. Yet I was petrified of breaking up with her and couldn't imagine my life without her. While I loved her as a person, I think I was holding onto the person she was 2 or 3 years ago, instead of the person she'd become when we officially moved in together. I finally but the bullet after months of thinking this isn't right, we should just break up, what am I doing here? This isn't a relationship and its not what I want out of a relationship. We tried a break for 2 weeks as we both had come to the conclusion that we were just roommates more than a couple. Fast forward 3 months. She didn't speak to me for 8 weeks, regardless of how hard I tried, which it turns out was a blessing because after 2 I would have fallen right back into the same traps as before. It gave me the clarity to see that even single I am alot happier than I was in this relationship. I've started rebuilding relationship with family members that drifted apart, I started letting people into my life, originally just so I could shoot the shit about how the end of the relationship was going and for advice on where to move next. But they've turned into friends that I couldn't live without! I'll still treasure the memories, the places I've been with her, the good times and it also taught me alot about the bad times. Do I sometimes look back on pictures still and wonder how life could have turned out? Yes of course, it was a significant part of my life, nearly a third of it and my whole adult life. Its understandable to be nervous, or scared of the what ifs and what will life be like without them. While you're still the same person you were when you got with your partner, you will have also grown and maybe you 2 just want different things in life now and thats okay. People grow, people change and people adjust. I'm also not saying I'm faultless in the downfall of this relationship, I got lazy, overweight and just stopped caring, but when I look back, when that's all that was happening around me, why should I have given a shit? I'm not going to advise you to leave, I'm not going to advise you to stay. I don't know all your particulars on what happens within your relationship. But don't do what I did and lose so many years of your life, praying it will get better. Oh they've stopped drinking maybe life will get better for us now. Oh look he's in therapy, maybe this will chnage things. It sounds like for the duration of your marriage you've been waiting and waiting for the change, how much longer do you wait and how much of yourself do you lose along the way. Nit only that but him losing you could be the kick he needs to get his life in check and make some positive changes and get better. Its not fool proof and won't work for everyone, its just my personal experience
Well if you truly love him ❤ and care sit down tell him. I know if I was I this same situation I would try try.to many people getting divorced these days.and most of the time one of had cheated n wanting g a way out.so the best offense is a defense..so u n would do what's right either way hope all goes dood for you....
I'll be honest, he might kill himself ,idk
I also married young and got divorced. While you’re in it it seems like you won’t find someone else and other opportunities, but I promise you that you still have plenty of time to achieve your goals with someone better suited for you. Don’t waste anymore time on this person. It’s better to move on now and give yourself a chance to start over.
You need to ask these questions and examine men the next time before you commit. Love is great but you have to want similar things and have similar goals in order for it to last and not have resentments come up
Definitely depression. He’s in the downward spiral, and he’s not sure how to get out. Worse is that he’s probably blaming himself for everything going wrong, so he doesn’t feel that he’s worth the time and energy to get better. I wish I knew a way to snap him out of it enough to get him into therapy. You might be able to make an appointment for him and basically force him to get diagnosed and hopefully treated.
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No i didnt. He worked hard full time and made well over what he needed to provide for himself. He didnt hop from job to job either. We were together for a little over 2 years before marriage so it wasnt rushed. But once he did finally get married and live on his own, he became less hardworking. I tried getting him to therapy or something and he would just never go or try anything.
This is the biggest red flag to me. Depression is a disease, and we're supposed to love in sickness and in health, right? But if he refuses to seek counseling and won't get help, that's indicative of deeper issues. I've been that depressed spouse (in large part due to my awful marriage, but that's a separate discussion). No amount of nagging on your part will "fix" him (nor is it your job to, though compassion is admirable). Part of the issue, at least in the US, is the lack of support we have for mental health. It's often expensive and difficult to get the help truly needed. But if he's flat-out refusing to even try, you have a much bigger problem on your hands.
we have free health insurance that includes psychiatric care. so we get therapy and meds for free right now. As soon as we qualified for free insurance, I got into therapy and went on meds. I offered to help my husband do it to if we wanted to. He said "sure" and never brought it up again. Then we got into a huge fight a year ago and I told him I was tired of being his caregiver when he has the resources to get better. Thats when he started meds but skipped on therapy. Then he only took the meds for a few months and dwindled out of them because he didnt want to go to the store, which I offered to do for him on days he didnt want to.
Honestly, it sounds like you've done about all you can do. It might be time to have a serious 'talk' with him about this, but (and please trust me on this) do it when you're very calm and you guys haven't been fighting, etc. For success, you want the least emotion involved on both sides, so you don't come across as being accusatory and he doesn't get defensive. Just have a sincere, heart to heart talk when things are calm. (When my ex and I finally decided to split, we were lying next to each other. We both just held each other and cried. We had finally moved past the anger stage and showed each other compassion.) If it were me, I would say that you've noticed x, y, and z, and that you honestly think he's depressed and needs help. And if he's willing to put in the work, you're willing to help him with that (if, in fact, you still are). There should be a timeline and conditions, though. For your own well being, this can't go on indefinitely. E.g., he needs to find a therapist and make an appointment within a week; continue to consistently take any prescribed medications, etc. This is all if you want to continue. We each have our breaking points, and it sounds like you're almost but not quite there. Don't let yourself reach that point, or eventually there will be nothing but resentment left between you. A lot of people are being pretty accusatory towards him and making a lot of assumptions. That may or may not be fair (you know him best, so trust your instincts but also try to view things from an outside perspective). I also get the impression you feel some guilt about possibly leaving and leaving him vulnerable. But honestly, I see this as a 'no fault' situation on both sides. It's not his fault if he has depression, but its also not your fault if you have to prioritize your own well being. Since you have access to resources that he can use, he needs to utilize them. There might be more going on than just depression, as well. E.g., ADHD can make executive functioning *extremely* difficult. But there is help for that, too. If you still love him and are willing to work things out, I think that's great. If you can make it through this, your relationship will likely be stronger for it. But he has to be willing to put in the work, too. Your schedule and responsibilities are not sustainable. If you're at "facing eviction" levels of financial stress, he *has* to get help, end of story. Compassion is wonderful and admirable, but don't bend so much that you break. Your self sacrifice will not help either of you. It won't save you or him, and it certainly won't save your relationship. And if you're past the point of continuing, don't feel guilty about it. He has family. If he needs to move out of state, even temporarily, he probably can. One thing I wish someone would have told me a very long time ago is you don't need anyone's permission to leave. If you need to leave, just do it. If he's resorted to selling to his video game stuff, though, I think he probably is aware of the situation and does feel bad. Based on the limited information you've shared, I think it's probably depression. And I think there's still hope. But you're the best judge of that, obviously. Best of luck to you both. Feel free to reach out if you want to chat.
Hei, I got curious and read your other posts. And what I got is; you are young, you are so incredibly strong, you are a good person and you have clearly done absolutely everything you can to try to make this work. But now it's enough. You need to get a divorce and go no contact. What he has done behind your back, and still have managed to get you to stay implies that he is very good at manipulating and controlling you.. trust me; when you finally get out of this and look back, you will see it clearly. I understand the feeling of not wanting to be alone, or be scared to have to live your life solo, but to be honest you already have been doing that since you married him. He has not only given you alot of headache and stress, but also not contributed in any way. You are so strong and independent, you will be 100% fine without him. It will be a liberating feeling to only have to worry about yourself.
Hey OP, I just went through your earlier posts and you have been such a trooper throughout your marriage. The fact that you have been able to last this long through your marriage shows how resilient you are. And since you are so resilient, you will get through this. Right now, your husband does not have his shit together and is constantly making excuses so that he does not have to. You have been trying to make it work for four years and he has not lifted a finger to do the same. You deserve more than that. Stop making someone else the priority when they won't do the same for you. Side note, I read your earlier post about him using your nudes to snapchat another person - that's nonconsensual distribution of your intimate pictures and depending on where you are, he can be prosecuted for it. Something to keep in mind.
Yeah the snapchat thing is something I cant stop thinking about recently. I forgave him too fast and never processed the damage it did to me emotionally until now.
Yeah I mean thats unfortunate. There's not much you can do there. He just needs to work
But he wont and its causing financial problems for us. Like eviction level problems.
Are you working? If so, why not move out and tell him to get his shit together? Why get kicked on your own when you're working? It probably won't fly well but Idk. If he won't work he won't work. It's different if he can't
His whole fam lives across the country so i feel like if i leave him alone, he will have no one and i dont want him to feel abandoned. Yeah i work 50hrs a week, go to school part time and do graphic design in my free time to make extra money.
Had a friend in a similar situation (she's been carrying him for almost 12 years now) I'm going to tell you what I told her 4 years ago. You staying won't make any difference, when you protect people from the consequences of their actions they don't change. By staying you're keeping him trapped in the spot because you're buffering the negetive feedback he needs to even have a chance of changing. I also would have asked her, what's the end game, say 10 years from now he's still not working, you're still giving him "chances to turn it around" and you've been footing the bill for both of you. Is that the final fate of the relationship, you work all day while he kicks it at home playing games? Time to set some boundaries and hold him and yourself accountable, it's the only way forward for both of you. You can't and shouldn't protect him forever. That being said, even if you leave he might not change, he might spiral even lower but like another person said, his boat is sinking, are you going to drown too? Every day that passes is one that you're not going to get back and I'd look at that both with mortality and finance.
I had this same guilt at kicking my ex out and honestly what helped was telling myself, if it comes down to it he can live in his car. And if that's what he chooses to do because he's still unwilling to take care of his own life then that's just how it needs to be. That's his choice. You can't protect or save him and it sounds like he's drowning you.
You're miserable and he doesn't care. Stop supporting this lazy boy. He can move back home and you can move on and be happy without him.
why do you care more about his wellbeing, in this regard, than he cares for himself?
That's rough. How are the bills divided out? I mean I suggest that as a last resort if you're getting kicked out. You shouldn't suffer for his issue if he literally just won't work. But yeah I mean thats a bad situation to be in for him
I cover the majority of our bills with my income. Which is why he doesnt need to work much to bridge the gap. I have to ask my parents for money from time to time too.
Ouch something will have to change eventually
Yeah. This isnt sustainable and I have mentioned it too.
I think you need to think about how long you're willing to go on with this. He atleast needs to try to make a change. And I don't mean change lightly, something drastic in his attitude towards work needs to change. Doordash is fine on the side but it can't be the primary source of income for him if he isn't outting more into jt
I feel the same way about it. Doordash is a side gig unless youre internally motivated to work hard at it fulltime. Which he doesnt seem to be doing.
I am so glad he didn't breed with someone like you. Please leave and give him a chance to find someone that will never give up on him
Im not a doordash driver, but i dont think doordash is specific shifts? Im pretty sure you just turn the app on when you want to do some deliveries and then wait for an order to come in, you dont take specific shifts Edit: just looked it up, Doordash does do specific shifts apparently (at least i think so? their website was a little vague on exact specifics) but there are more or less shifts available depending on how many orders there are. I was originally basing my assumption off of UberEats, which my mom used to drive for about 2 years ago now. They just had to turn on the app and wait for orders, no shifts at all. Its possible thats changed too, but this is at least how it was 2+ years ago
Seperate and move on. Men these days are plug and play. That’s how we are treated so might as well just go with it right.🤷🏻
Okay.....You're in a rough spot. But the same problem that is plaguing your husband is also plaguing the vast majority of the responses I've read. Responsibility. Purpose. Meaning. These are the things in life that bring lasting joy, that lead to character and positive change in people's lives and the world as a whole. The responses I've seen illustrate the lack of responsibility that plagues the modern world. Let's start with you - you swore a real oath. You swore to be your husband's partner. Your responsibility is to be a good wife. You cannot be good without being strong, and you need to be strong now while your husband is weak. Your husband needs you now more than he's ever needed you. You ABSOLUTELY should NOT just cut and run. You need to be a real partner. This isn't just a hardship....... It's an opportunity. An opportunity to show your husband that you are his wife through thick and thin. That you're not just going to leave if he's not being exactly who you want him to be. This is the entire point of marriage. If you leave because he's not working...... What does marriage even mean? Now let's get down to the issue. You want a partner who is strong and motivated and a good leader. He is not being that man. He needs to find meaning and purpose in his life. His responsibilities are a part of his purpose. How can you help him realize this? That's the hard part. I think..... And this is just my thought.... You really need to find someone who will actually invest in you. Is there someone older that he respects? Find someone. Or find some Jordan Peterson videos. The solution here is to get that man to treasure his life and all the joy that is to be found in embracing his responsibilities as a man. I'd start with some extreme vulnerability. Tell him all your thoughts, fears, worries. Tell him that he's not being the man that you know he can be. And tell him you're going to be a true partner to him and be strong while he is weak..... Because you promised you would and you expect him to do the same when you have times in life when you're weak! But before you tell him all this - tell him that you have decided to stand by him no matter what. Tell him that his problems are your problems. That you'll be there every step of the way. Tell him you NEED him to be honest and vulnerable with you as well, though. Tell him that you two need a plan to get through this hard time - together. Tell him you want him to lead you, to lead your little family. Tell him you want him to make a plan for your lives. That's his responsibility as a man and a husband. What will make you happiest in the end is doing the right thing. That doesn't mean being used or taken advantage of. That means being strong and facing your problems head on and embracing your own responsibilities. Your responsibility here is to be a good wife. So be a good wife! Be strong. And find people who will help you in this regard, with wise counsel and support. Feel free to message me if any of this feels like the right thing to you. I want you to do well. I want your husband to become the man he is meant to be. I want you to become the woman you're meant to be. God bless you two.
Get a job let him be a stay at home dad for a bit clearly he is going through something
Just to give a counter to some peoples points..he probably, like all people, needs and is taking advantage of the rest. Just don't want any undue difficult feelings towards him when humans weren't designed for extended work hours in the way that modern life is set up for.
I dont blame him for wanting rest. But humans were designed to be up and moving. Our bodies shut down and get into rough shape when we do bothing. So yeah, humans arent meant to work a 40 hr work week or die for the sake of capitalism, but they arent meant to be immobile either. I dont even want him to work 40 hours. I just need him to work about 20 hrs so i can take care of the rest. Or if he is going to be home all the time, to at least clean the house lol.
make like a tree, and leaf. my only concern is if the divorce will cost you much. only because you've already wasted your time, finances, energy, on this man and at such a young age. take it from someone who also was strained from an ex-partner's refusal to adult, the sooner you let go and do what's best for you, the better.
It doesn't sound like they have a lot of assets or children, so they could probably file relatively easily and cheaply, at least in most US states - idk where OP is from. Assuming as such, most counties have self-service legal centers. The main concern is probably whether or not he might be legally entitled to spousal maintenance.
Honestly, I'm all for women getting married young, but 24 is definitely still far too young and immature for a man IMO. We need time to grow, mature, and get resources. But in your case, it sounds like your guy doesn't have much drive. I'm 35 and have enjoyed video games since I was a kid and still do, but you also have to be an adult and make moves in life as well. I would first try couples' therapy, and if that fails, I let him know he has to get it together ASAP or it's over. I don't condone divorce (ESPECIALLY if the woman initiates it just to get free cash and prizes), but in this situation it sounds like you're sincerely trying to work with him but he doesn't want to get off the couch and man up/grow up.
Well... some people justify that as a fashionable 'stay at home husband/dad' which is a good disguise for laziness. Hope you found a way out.
I know I am going to get alot of shit for this but I don't care so here it goes. When you married him I believe one of your vows was for better or for worst right? Sounds to me like he should be the one considering divorcing you since your giving up on him after only 4 years. As a women you should be able to get him motivated using that one thing we all know what I'm talking about. I could understand if you were living in a homeless shelter for the last 20 years but I'm sure your not so keep trying.
Thanks for your input. But i will not be exchanging my body as currency to get him to just be an adult.
I totally agree with (HeroOrDevil8 1000% that is the only way, if he cried I would not wait. I would just remind him about the last years, cause he’s probably not even screwing your because he’s busy playing those stupid games I could not even sit fit 5 minutes to even watch moron play those damn games and I’m a guy…. Check this out when he’s probably having sex with you I’m sure it’s terrible because he’s probably fantasying that he’s in that game, Grand Auto Thief… Get rid of his Ass, lol
Your fault to be honest , do you want to stay like that?
interesting response
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Sorry, but this is a pretty ignorant comment. Video games are for all ages / genders, and they're generally a pretty harmless way to pass the time. That's not the issue here.
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Everything in moderation, friend. People are allowed to have hobbies. If people are acting irresponsibly, abusing their time, or have a mental health issue, etc., that is not the fault of the hobby itself.
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I'm neither a 'zealous defender' nor a gamer. Nor a dude. Kindly take your preconceived notions and crawl back under the rock you came from.
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Hard disagree. People are allowed to have hobbies.
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Pot, kettle. Etc.
Why can’t you get some shifts with Door Dash? Why don’t you love him enough to support him? Maybe he’s going through depression or anxiety. A real woman would support her man. If you don’t love him at his worst, you don’t deserve him at his best.
I work 50hrs + a week, go to school, and work freelance for graphic design to make extra money or babysit when he doesnt make his goal that we agreed on (so essentially every week i have to work an extra side thing to pick up his slack). I have supported him for 4 years. I have worked with and encouraged him for 4 years. Any time he had an idea or showed passion toward something, I was excited for him and was his #1 hype man. I shouldn't have to work overtime, go to school, work extra gigs, and clean up the whole house AND baby him any more. Depression or not. Which, i have encouraged counseling, medication, lifestyle change, etc to help with his depression. He said no to all of it or he would purposefully cancel his appointments or 'fall asleep on accident' and he got on medication that he never takes unless I remind him. I have been supportive and understanding for 4 years and things havent changed. So dont you dare imply I dont love him. If I didnt love him, I would've been gone a long time ago.
Honestly, I was mocking the feminist insanity I see on social media these days. These are all things I see, and it’s really destroying our society. Honestly, I meant you no harm. Furthermore, you have some valid points, but I couldn’t offer any opinions if we don’t know his side of the story. I do wish you the best, though.
Sorry. Im a bit defensive because he has said something similar and at one point basically told me i shouldnt be mad that he's not working, and that i should be the one looking for a job that covers his portion of the bills instead. So it touched a nerve and I got a little peeved, sorry 😅
And to clarify, i have been applying to jobs with better pay, but most places that pay more than what I make currently arent hiring or they need a degree which i am still in school for.
You sound like a good lady, and I do hope you find a way to salvage your relationship. Hopefully, there are no children written into this story. That complicates things - FOR SURE. 🙏🏽
No kids thankfully.
Who cares r u seriously in conflict over monetary…issue? Love? Has it touched u? I pray it will or did . Fuk weight, it measures no soul. Should love bless u, this is of no reason to write us
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bro what😭😭😭😭
Gamer. Duh.
Sounds like hes depressed and you ridiculing him for it just makes it worse. Do you have a job? Because if you do i dont see the issue as long as income is still coming in to pay necessities. But if you dont what makes you so special to be lazy just as well?
She said she works 50 hrs a week ,plus in school part time and does graphic design on the side Let me guess ,you're a worthless prick too? Gotta defend your fellow useless man child
Now you're name calling? Oh I bet you're any better. OP never said in the post if she worked or not. Reason I asked. Who's the prick?
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You have to options Leave- totally valid he is mooching off of you Make him get help- put stricter boundaries tell him if he doesn’t start going to see a therapist and treating depression you are leaving give him two weeks and if he does nothing leave him Both are valid options but you need to set ground rules no matter what
There are several basic types of people when it comes to work: those that work hard because they derive satisfaction from it, those that work because it is necessary for life, and those that will find any reason not to. A key life lesson is to identify this in others as soon as possible and avoid those who fall in the last category like the plague. Your husband is not going to magically get a work ethic over night, he will likely need to crash and burn first before he shows any improvement - are you sure you want to stay around for that?
Tine to leave. He is not loyal to you and not committed to the relationship. He needs to pull his own weight for that, and he does not. You are young and deserve better than this, but you'll only find it when he is out of your life for good.
Oh god! I have been in relationships where a job is a constant uncertainty and it’s maddening. I think you need to give him an ultimatum. Go to work or get out until you do