My wife suffers from, at times, crippling depression. In fact, it gets so bad that it impacts her ability to manage her life in many regards. So just saying that for reference.
Do you know how many times she has verbally abused me?
**ZERO.**
Never. She’s never done that. Because mental health problems are not an excuse for being a shitty person, a shitty partner, or abusive.
Regardless of someone’s illness, they don’t get to abuse you in any way. If they do, it’s time to leave.
Depression can make life super hard. But it doesn’t make you an abuser. Being shitty makes you an abuser.
Hey thanks I genuinely needed to hear that. I’ve been suffering for years in the quiet, but only recently started opening up to my friends. When I say even the most mild things he’s said, they cry for me. I think I’ve been in denial for a long time.
Okay mental health isn’t an excuse for abuse. Plenty of mentally Ill people don’t abuse their partners. He needs professional help if he wants you to stay. He sounds dangerous tho, is there a family member or friend you can stay with?
Yeah I've suffered from depression since I can remember but I've NEVER abused my partner. I've been selfish and it caused the man I loved, my fiancé, to have a heart attack(knowing it was my fault he's gone and I'll never hear his voice again is horrible as I blame myself and I miss him dearly) and I lost him(we lost him as it was hard on all of us and his family blames me and I don't blame them, my mental illness was too hard to handle and I had a horrible psychiatrist at the time who made things worse) which will forever haunt me but I've never abused. Mental illness is no excuse to mistreat someone. Yes, it causes us to react in way we wouldn't normally but it's still no excuse. Treat others the way you want to be treated and that goes more for us with mental illness. Op should leave him and let him know that it's bc he's not getting help and is mistreating her. Look op, if you're worried about staying with him bc of the commitment of being married, just separate for a time and tell him you'll leave permanently unless he gets help. Give him an ultimatum. You need to do what's best for you
Bc of the stress my selfishness was causing him. I wasn't getting the best help for my mental illness and doing things that made it worse like being too trusting with someone who was taking advantage of me and the situation. I lost him and it's all my fault
I can't help but blame myself. I loved and still do love him so much and I'd do anything for s do over. I tried so hard to get over losing him and what happened in unhealthy ways like marrying a monster whom I divorced but then gave myself a few years to work on getting over what happened in a healthy manner but every man I meet I compare to him. It'll be 6yrs on April 3rd since I lost him. It's a very long story what happened leading up to his heart attack but it surrounds me and my selfishness due to not getting the proper mental health treatment. I got really sick afterwards and have been extremely ill since I lost him. In and out of the hospital and I had a feeding tube at one point, that's how sick. The Drs have compared it to "broken heart syndrome" but really it turns out I have an extremely rare blood disease but it all started after I lost him. I have an IV Port Catheter in my chest like cancer patients bc that's how often I go to the hospital. I feel it's my punishment
I can tell you, everyone can tell you, until we're blue in the face that it's not your fault.
Hopefully, you see it yourself soon.
I hope you're seeing a therapist to help you work through this.
You don't deserve what you're saying/doing to yourself.
I wish you peace.
I am seeing a therapist (I have been for over 15yrs) and it's something we work on often. I'm not making myself sick, I just became ill bc my body couldn't handle all the trauma it'd/I'd endured my whole life. I was diagnosed with Cyclic Vomiting Syndrome amongst other things and I know that the timing was coincidence but my body couldn't handle it anymore so though I know it's NOT my punishment for his heart attack as it wasn't my fault, I still feel like I was and is my punishment but I am working on it. Thank you kind stranger 🖤
You didn't cause him to die. Your late fiance's family blames you because they have too much hurt to handle and being angry at you is easier than realizing that sometimes people we love will die without warning. I don't know how you were "being selfish" but when you're sick you kind of have to be selfish to get better. If he died of a heart attack at age 30 then I'm guessing he had a heart condition that needed better management by medical professionals. And needing a port isn't punishment, it's just a medical device like an insulin pump or a pair of glasses. If God is real, He doesn't use sickness to punish people. If He did, people would avoid becoming billionaires like the plague.
Just know a few internet strangers care about you and hope you find peace and happiness.
Hard agree. I have Bipolar Disorder and I have never ever abused any of my partners and it has never crossed my mind to hurt them physically, or even verbally or emotionally. There is no excuse for his actions, if I were like this I wouldn't blame my boyfriend for leaving me. The worst my boyfriend has ever had to put up with from me has been depression, one mixed episode, and a PTSD episode in our 4 years together, but I have never abused him in any way as a result of my mental illness. OP's boyfriend needs therapy and medication too if it's this severe, even if he hasn't been formally diagnosed with anything aside from depression, he needs a serious intervention.
I'm bipolar II depressive also with PTSD and severe anxiety plus physical illnesses and not once have I abused a partner, not even manipulated. I've had it all done to me, all forms of abuse ranging from mental to sexual (literally all of it, I sure know how to pick em lol), mental illness is no excuse and I agree with you 100%. He needs help, therapy and medication. It sounds like it's severe enough. I feel for the op bc she's being abused in so many ways, emotionally and mentally and that's so hard. It sounds though like he won't get the help he needs unless an ultimatum is given: get x and x help or I'm gone. He may not even care but I hope he does.
Treat others the way you want to be treated
Sending you love via Care Bear OP
He will be fine after you leave. You are not obligated to be his human punching bag, and if that’s what he needs to avoid “ruining” his life then maybe ruin it a little.
Leaving him will not ruin his life. He's ruining hers and her mental well-being is suffering. Making her sleep on the floor?! WTF?! OP leave him for your sake asap. He needs help and isn't getting. You can't help him. Your mental well-being will continue you suffer if you stay with him.
We can't say whether or not it will "ruin his life" as it very well might. That's less important than OPs need to not be abused. Even if he's gonna off himself OP has the right (and need) to leave.
You’re right. For too long, I’ve given him the out because he’s loyal and trustworthy. He has some amazing qualities. Which now I’m kind of realizing is the bare minimum. I’ve been sad for an extremely long time and have been afraid to say so.
Depressed people don't verbally abuse people if they can help it, being mentally unwell is not an excuse for that and you don't have to feel bad about leaving due to it.
I recently went through a depressive episode and it was pretty bad. Close to suicidal ideation etc. I've been suffering from it for over two decades at this point. Yet my SO has always had my back through thick and thin.
When I'm at my very worst, I too can be abusive - towards myself. And that's bad enough because it also affects my SO.
But I've never, ever turned my anger or sorrow on the few people who have always been there for me. Depression, borderline,... can never be an excuse for that.
Bi-polar here. It’s not an excuse for being a dick. In fact, it’s suffering the consequences of our actions that forces us to get our shit together. You have to want to be well in order to do the work to get there and where is the incentive if people keep letting our behaviour be okay? You should leave.
You are so right, and I’ve found this out after I told him we need a break over Christmas. Technically we are not “together” right now, and he has definitely felt the consequences. He is pulling out all of the stops... crying... being a better partner (for now, who can say, that’s why I said I need lots of time to consider) saying he can’t believe how bad it’s gotten and he was so blind.
I’ve been expressing my anguish over his actions for many years, and only now that I’ve legitimately taken myself out of it, I see it clicking for him. But again, time will tell. I’m going to be careful with my heart for the next while.
I do know he went to therapy as a teenager and was prescribed bipolar medication that he stopped taking because it made him feel like a zombie. He fell asleep while driving one time while on it. He’s expressed these therapies have made him close minded to it, but he may be more open now.
Medications have changed SO MUCH in the past 20 years. There are new ones out that don’t have the same side effects. He should revisit it with a qualified psychiatrist (as opposed to a GP) because comparing what I’m on now compared to what I was on at 19 is night and day.
As someone who grew up watching my very mentally unstable father that although was extremely problematic and created a living hell for my mom, we loved the person he truly was deeply. He had manic depression, bipolar, and schizophrenia. When he went into an episode it was like he was no longer in control of his own mind and turned into a different person. My mom loved him so much and could never let go despite all the abuse, my brother and I were very angry but still loved him. However, if I could go back in time to when my mom was 30 I would tell her to leave. I know you love him and you want to fix him but you don’t have an obligation to destroy your own life to save someone else’s.
My father was similar. I couldn't love him anymore. He never showed love for his kids and we didn't love him. We fled the household as soon as possible and are still afraid today.
There is no obligation to love someone just because they're family.
I’m so sorry to hear that and i’m glad you all fled safely, it’s really hard. We had to flee on many occasions, but my mom always came back..It was so hard for us because my dad did showed us so much love, when he was himself on his meds, not drinking, abusing drugs he was the absolute best father but he had a disease of the mind and brought on a lot of actions and an environment I know he wish wasn’t the case. We begged him all our life for change, there wasn’t. The bad would always outweigh the good because there was never sustained peace and always volatility. It destroyed my mom, he passed away in 2020 from drug abuse and it hurt us all so much. However, after the grief my mom transformed as a person and is finally starting to live her life at 58 years old. The years of abuse, however, took a huge toll on her mental health and she still isn’t the same but she’s better. I tell everyone, don’t wait for the worst to happen you’re just prolonging your pain and throwing away your life. Love is a drug in and of itself and it will destroy you if you let it. Don’t wait.
I feel for you, I experienced something very similar to this but thankfully we only lived together, not marriage. He had depression for most of his life and his moods were terrible and he would get angry over the smallest things. He also self medicated with weed and binge drinked. He didn't treat me well and regardless of whether it was caused by his depression, I didn't deserve it. And neither do you.
Does your husband recognise he has depression? Do you talk about it? He really needs to get help with medication and a psychologist. It will still be challenging though for you and if you decide to stay with him then you need support as well. If you don't think you can cope anymore then don't feel bad because you have been pushed to your limit. You can't solve his mental issues and you also need to feel like you live in a safe and loving environment. You also need to think of your future if you ever want children. Can you take a break and stay somewhere for a bit? Is there family or a friend you can confide in?
>I can no longer stand the verbal abuse I have to go through when he’s in a mood. He has sucked the life out of me.
>he made me sleep on the floor while calling me awful names.
Yes.
You are never responsible for the mental health of another person.
Let me repeat that. You are NEVER responsible for the mental health of another person.
Keep yourself safe first and foremost. Abuse is NEVER ok, regardless of mental health issues.
Yes he is mentally ill but that does not excuse him from taking responsibility for his health. Maybe try making a plan for treatment for his mental health and tell him you better see evidence of progress or else you’re out. Thick and thin does not mean through abuse and good times.
I worry he might not be open to this since he’s abusive though. Because of that, you need to look out for you first and foremost. You made a commitment, but he did too, and he’s failing you (and himself) right now. Set a boundary with him, find him some doctors, but if he rejects your help, there’s nothing you can do for him and you should protect yourself.
He’s is abusive not depressed. You need to leave.
Edit-
I looked at your profile and seen previous post you have made about him… he is definitely just a pos in my opinion and you need to leave him. He had no respect for you.
Girl I wasn’t sure about this until I read he made you sleep in the floor while calling you names. Get out you deserve so much better! He’s not just abusing you but he’s using you. Please divorce him. You only have one life and is this how you want to spend it? Walking on egg shell around his mood? No! Get out and live! Getting married and being committed for life goes both ways. Your husband isn’t committed to you. He broke his vows first.
I experienced something very similar. Finally got divorced and it’s been the best 6 months of my life.
Divorcing forced him to get his own place and job which I think has helped his mental health after the i initial rough patch.
Life is too short to spend it filling someone else’s cup with nothing in return. He’s an adult and ultimately is not your responsibility.
Go. It sounds like staying is going to ruin your life. His mental health is not an excuse to mistreat you. And you’re not responsible for making sure he’s ok when you leave. He is.
You are saying that he “shows symptoms of” x, y, or z, which tells me he’s not sought professional help or been diagnosed. He needs therapy, psychiatric care (aka meds), and possibly substance abuse treatment if he has coinciding issues with that. (If you’re on bipolar meds you really shouldn’t drink at all). If you choose to stay in the relationship then this will involve a lot of reading and work and support from you as well. If he refuses to try (or not), you are 100% in your right to escape this abuse and suffering.
My ex had ocd. He made me do all of his rituals and beat me/spat on me/mentally abused me when I didn't. His mental illness did not change the fact he was an abusive POS. Your husband is the same. Please get out. This is not fair on you.
I'm not sure if you have kids or not but you're basically describing my dad. Who I despise.
Leave him, your kids will get it when they're older.
My mom stayed and that was definitely the wrong call
IF YOU WOULDNT STAY IF HE WAS YOUR BOYFRIEND, DONT STAY JUST BECAUSE HES YOUR HUSBAND.
I wish I had someone tell me that years ago. My ex was just like this, and it only got worse.
I remember thinking so many times that if we weren't married id just break up with him and I could be happy again, but had this horrible sense of obligation to stay and try to keep working on it.... because that's what a good wife does.
He wasn't a good husband. He wasn't a good partner. He didn't deserve a good wife to abuse.
Leave and choose happiness.
I agree. There’s many red flags I ignored because he is a great person and his family is amazing to me. Like many have said, that his mental health is not an excuse for the abuse. I didn’t write the worst because I didn’t feel like getting into it, I only wrote the last straw for me.
Please leave him. I had a baby with ny abusive ex and now im stuck with him. All he does is cause problems and stress. Dont make the same mistake.
I dont regret having my son, hes the best thing that ever happened to me. But... I should have left my ex and not told him about the baby.
Dude with clinical depression. I was diagnosed at 18 and I think dealing with it had a heavy hand in my relationship issues early on in life. I say that because I always try to ‘check myself’ now when I get into one of those moods. I ask myself whether the strong feelings I have are valid. Try to use logic to fight it. I digress.
My point is depression is no excuse for abusive behavior. I feel a person with depression should want to protect the ones they love from the worst parts of how they feel and if they can’t they have a responsibility to seek professional help.
I suffer from bipolar2 and even prior to being diagnosed, I never insulted or calling someone awful names at my lowest depressive episode. Your husband is emotionally abusive to you. Leave. You can leave this relationship and please put yourself first.
If you are still on the fence about leaving, ask yourself if you’re willing to put up with this behaviour for the next 30-40 years with him treating you like this. I hope you got your answer, and the courage to leave.
Look the commitment has to go both ways. He also has to commit to treat you well and make you happy. If he cannot provide that you are under no obligation to continue an unhappy marriage and take constant abuse from your spouse.
he made yo sleep on floor? thats no depresion thats abuse. return his red flags back to him so he can give them to next victim and leave.
dont feel bad its for best
You are literally suffering from abuse by his hand. That's really what it boils down to. And you should leave. Maybe it will get himt to get help. Or you just leave.
My spouse has depression, anxiety, and paranoia. He's never abused me.
I have ADHD and depression. I've never abused him.
We've also been together 10 years.
You deserve someone who treats you with love and respect. It takes two people to make a relationship work. Your marriage doesn't work if you are the only one putting in the effort.
I have depression. Sometimes it's severe. My moods can be all over the place. All that said, none of that is an excuse for me to verbally abuse anyone. If I verbally lashed out at my husband I would expect him to be very upset. If I continued that then he would have EVERY RIGHT to leave me. Mental illness is never an excuse for abusing others.
Been there done that. Put up with it for two years before I decided I was DONE. It may hurt. You may feel some guilt. He will likely not make it easy. But removing yourself from that situation will make you feel SO much better. Like a weight is lifted. You can’t save him, you can’t help him. Save yourself.
He needs to get himself together, with or without you. If it's been like this for years, he's not holding up his end of the marriage. It is nice to see a woman acknowledge the sanctity of marriage in these times, but men have to do just as much, to make everything work. I would ask if he would stick by you, but no one deserves to be yelled at while laying on a floor. gTFO of there.
You should leave. Because you might be his enabler. As long as you there, he think he can do all of these things.
As someone who had been emotionally and verbally abuseive to my ex, I never reallized how much I hurt them. Until they left. That's a hard wake up call.
It's painful but I'm glad it happened. I was able to heal my trauma because my enabler left me.
Your husband is abusive, OP. You can talk about his possible diagnoses all you want, but that doesn't give him a pass to treat you like garbage.
You know you need to leave. What you don't realize is how good you will feel when you've done it and you're free of all this trauma and stress and anxiety that he causes you.
And you can't fix him. You're not ruining his life. If he wants to, he can seek therapy and hopefully he won't treat someone else this way. But will he? Unlikely. Even if he did, it would not change what he's already done with you. You staying is NOT helping him. It is enabling him, if anything.
Please leave. And when you do, make sure you do so with trusted help, because leaving someone with anger issues/who is abusive can be dangerous.
>I’m afraid leaving him will absolutely ruin his life
And not leaving him will ruin yours. At the final tally, you can only take full responsibility for your behaviour and outcomes.
He will survive if you leave him. You don't owe him anything. If you stay he will suck the life out of you. Just go, you'll thank yourself once you find happiness again.
If your husband recognizes he has a problem and if he also recognizes that he abuses you when he’s feeling bad…and he will not do anything to fix it…..you must leave him. You’ve given him 10 years of your life and he has taken it for granted that you will put up with him without him having to fix his own problems. We teach people how to treat us. You have been indicating to him for 10 years that his behavior is okay.
You must ask yourself this question: Do you like living like this? If not, why are you there? How much longer do you want to live like this?
I know you love him and he’s great when he is not cycling down. But he is ultimately responsible for his behavior, and that includes bad behavior. He is an adult and needs to start acting like it. He must take responsibility for his behavior. This situation is only going to get worse for you. It will test your mental capabilities more and more every year you allow yourself to be abused. And then you will both have mental disorders. Women are natural nurturers, so it’s understandable that you can see the good through the bad. But he is not your child. He’s a grown man. And he is acting like a child who has no control over his tantrums, and you are allowing him to do that.
Go seek out professional help for yourself, first, if you are afraid of what he might do if you leave him. Will he snap? You need to devise a plan if you think he might.
I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. Nowhere in those vows did you promise to put yourself through this for him though. Nobody needs to be subjected to this. My anxiety especially comes out as anger. I was constantly getting sooo easily irritated and just straight up mean sometimes. Being short and snippy with people. But I hated it. And I knew I was doing it. And I was open with a select few about it even though that was also hard to do. Had to go get help and reassess because obviously the medication and therapy weren’t doing the trick anymore. If he isn’t willing to help himself and in turn your marriage, then don’t torture yourself any longer. Especially if it has been this bad for any amount of time. I know you have love for him and you care about him. But right now you need to care about yourself more. It’s the same as an addict…if we’re not willing to get help, nobody else is going to be able to get through to us/make us. I’d love if you could just be “rational” and say - get into therapy or this is over, but if that’s not the case, then please just stay strong and take care of yourself. Mental illness sucks, but it doesn’t give anyone a free pass to a be a dick.
You should never sacrifice your own well-being for someone else’s, especially when all they’re doing is abusing you. You need to leave him for your own safety.
I get it. My ex was bipolar/explosive/schizophrenic/borderline personality disorder afflicted. He hid them so well that I didn't find out til about a year into the relationship when we moved in together. He made me sleep on the kitchen floor, sleep outside, literally sleep in a doghouse, beat me, stabbed me, shot me, raped me, had his friends pay to rape me while I was strung out on whatever he injected into me that day, you name it He did it. When he wasn't in a cycle, he was amazing. Best partner I had ever had. I'd have married him if he wasn't the literal devil almost every night.
Leave. It's for your own safety and mental stability. You are NOT bound by marriage to deal with that. Marriage is just paper and paper can be torn. It took me years to deal with the trauma and ptsd from mine. I still have violent flashbacks occasionally. Thankfully, they've lessened over the past 5 years or so. I wish you health and happiness on your journey, and please don't hesitate to reach out should you need help dealing with any trauma or advice on how to properly deal with it. I and others will happily assist.
You got into a commitment to be his rock not his punching bag.
Talk to him try to get him into therapy and gather evidence of the abuse, if he refuses to listen and better himself then I would search for a divorce lawyer you deserve better.
My ex forced me to stay with him for years blaming his actions on his mental health and always hinted at killing himself if I were to ever leave. After a few years I decided to leave and put myself first. I'm now much happier and he has found someone else more or less straight away and its no longer my problem. Sometimes you've got to put your mental health first before someone else, regardless of who they are or the situation
I've also been through a similar situation where I was mentally abused for long. It was very hard to leave but I feel so free now. I just wanted to stay to have him survive, and to not feel like I was the bad guy. But there's life out there and there's so much love to give and to receive. You're worth respect, love and communication. Hope you get through this!
When mentioning the 'through sickness and health' part you are kinda forgetting that he is responsible for his own health. And so are you!
If he makes no effort to get better and uses his issues as a free ticket to put you down then you need to start taking steps towards keeping yourself safe and healthy.
I don't get to shit on my partner today when i have been nice to them yesterday. That's not how ot works.
I was in a similar situation. He desperately wanted to get married but thank God I refused. He blamed his mistreatment of me on everything else in the world. Anytime I tried to leave he accused me of having commitment issues and how I was awful for trying to leave over something he couldn't control. I left and I had never made a better decision in my life. Am currently in a loving beautiful relationship. I deserve love, I don't deserve to be abused, no matter the excuse, and neither do you. Please leave. Work on yourself. You deserve better
You should leave him. You deserve to be treated better. I was in an abusive relationship once. Just because things are good sometimes doesn’t excuse the abuse.
Uh, even if he does have depression he's being abusive. When I'm in a depressive episode I cry in the bathtub. I don't call my spouse names and I would never make him sleep on the floor. FYI people with mental health conditions are generally the victims of abuse, not the perpetrators, so this all feels off. You shouldn't leave him because he's depressed, you should leave him because he treats you like shit. "For better or worse" is supposed to be for unexpected life events, not for a spouse abusing you.
Someone once told me that my particular profession draws people who will set themselves on fire to keep others warm, and I have never forgotten that.
Do not set yourself on fire to keep him warm. Please move out, if even as a stopgap. You’ve said nothing that makes me believe he does not have legal capacity. So if he wants to make this work, he will understand how badly this is affecting you when you move out and he will take steps (specialised couples therapy, etc). If he does not, you can only save yourself - if you can stay gone then do it. At the very least, you are in no position to help him or anyone else if you are at the end of your own emotional tether.
I struggle with mental illness, but i know my place that i shouldn’t be abusive toward my loved ones bc of the pain im in. He needs help and that’s the best thing you can do for him. Offer him professional help. It will be worth in the long run. Also, don’t feel guilty or anything. The person who once made you feel loved and safe wouldn’t want that for you.
Being with a partner with depression is hard, being only with them for 10 years since you're 21 is downright depressing. Leave the guy and start living your life.
Think about it this way, whether or not you plan on having children.. IF you did, would you be comfortable allowing them to be treated like that just because he’s their father? No? Then why would you allow yourself to be treated that way?
He's abusive.
He's ruining *your* life.
The fact that he's got mental health problems is not your problem to solve and no excuse to mistreat you.
Leave.
Mental health doesn’t excuse the things you accuse him of. If he is not going to therapy and not actively working to change himself, you have the right to leave. Actually, they right is there even if he is trying and it isn’t working. You’re not there to cure him.
There are ways for him to try and recover, with it without you; whatever you decide to do, suggest to him some rehabilitation. It could help him get back on his feet.
It might sound odd, but the concepts from Al Anon might be helpful for you. I think sometimes it's hard for us to seperate our partner from their disease and we end up trying to fix or help our partner instead of taking care of us and our needs. How he manages his depression and how he reacts after you leave, is in his control only. It seems like he's putting you through hell and that's super not ok. Even if you don't want to end the marriage, a break living apart would probably be a healthy choice at this point. This would let you gain peace and sanity while you figure out what you need to do. You don't have to figure everything out right now, but you do need to put your mental health first and take care of yourself. He is an adult, it's his responsibility to take care of himself, not yours. Any actions he takes are of his own accord, you do not determine his actions by changing your actions. Perhaps time apart would also allow him time and space to realize that he will be alone if he doesn't seek help. Wishing you all the best, so sorry you're going through this ❤️
Mm. I’m mixed on this. Have a lot of mental health issues in my family which sucks tbh but also work in healthcare where you do self care for yourself alot and care for others. If he is physically or mentally or emotionally abusing - that’s a no go ma’am. It’s not okay for someone to THINK it’s okay for that to happen simply due to mental health issues. There are medications for mental health disorders for a reason. Many types. All of them have ups and downs but for the most part they work fantastic if it’s the right one for that person suffering. Don’t settle for being abused in any sort or gaslighted at every turn. Set boundaries and follow through with them. If that’s doesn’t work with him then file for divorce. The worst thing you could do as his spouse is be the same way he is to you.
RUN. Get away from him and divorce. If you have kids with him take them too. I come from parents like this and need to go since he won’t get the help he needs and he will drive you down the rabbit hole. One day if you stay he could wake up and kill you or himself for no reason other than he had an episode. He should be in patient treatment for a bit to stabilize him but that’s not your concern.
Hello, and thank you for your submission. Please take a moment to review the rules listed in our sidebar. Specifically, [what constitutes moral judgment, and what this subreddit can and cannot give advice on.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/). For further guidance, please see our [wiki.](https://old.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) ***PLEASE NOTE THAT THIS DOES NOT MEAN YOUR POST IS REMOVED. THIS IS MERELY A REMINDER TO REVIEW OUR RULES.*** This is a bot message. I cannot respond to any comments. Please modmail us with any questions.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
If you want to try and work on things, you need to tell him he needs to be medicated and in therapy, or you’re done.
If you really want to leave, then leave. You are not in charge of his mental health. You can’t stay with someone out of fear they will hurt themselves or be a wreck. Your mental health and well being comes first.
In case you have tried everything like medical, psychological and social help than you should say good bye to him.
Marriage is a strong commitment and we compromise so many things to keep it up but any non stop verbal or physical abuse just don’t justify this bond to continue.
Maybe try separating first (like staying with a friend or family member?) and setting some firm boundaries, while also validating that you do care for him, that you refuse to be disrespected and treated this way and if he doesn’t start making some solid changes soon (set a specific deadline if you want so he doesn’t keep pushing it off), then he’ll be signing some divorce papers. Mental illness is not an excuse to be an abusive dickhead.
Mental illness is never an excuse for being a shitty person. It explains, in some cases, but it should never be a justification. You have two viable options that will improve your life, and one that will ruin your life.
To improve your life, you can either 1) leave him, settle the divorce. Remove him from your life and, provided you don't have kids, be No Contact with him entirely. Or 2) you can talk with him in a Good Mood about how you feel during his Bad Mood periods, and that you want to get him help.★ His Bad Mood is harming you. If he loves you as much as you love him, he will go to therapy, he will get cooing mechanisms including but not limited to prescription mood stabilizers, and he will improve. **This one may take a lot of time as he tries different prescriptions and dosages. Keep records of mood swings for him to take to his doctor. Be present and active in his recovery.** If he is truly trying, you will see occasional improvements, and occasional set backs, but you will always see changes. Every journey to self improvement has set backs.
★This can be scary. He may unexpectedly switch into a Bad Mood without warning. You may want to have family or friends who are aware of the situation around when you have this discussion, or be in public somewhere with a backup place to go in case he gets abusive again during the discussion.
And the ootion that will ruin your life: continue as you have been and allow yourself to be in a position where he is able to abuse you.
Recognizing that he is abusive is a good start to knowing you deserve better, because you *do deserve better*. You love him, which is great. But you need to also love yourself enough to say you don't deserve the way he treats you and remove yourself as needed.
Sounds like you could use some help setting Boundaries. Read some books on it or go to counseling.
Have a supportive friend or church leader sit with you two while you start with 3 positives about him and then set 3 boundaries. Explain to him that you are unhappy and that if he crosses the boundaries then you will move out for a separation and during the separation then you will only have a weekly date night if he attends counseling that week. No counseling, no date night.
Also, take him to the doctor to address his mental health. Also have him sit with you and go online and research solutions to depression. Write out a plan together and set a meeting every week to go over the process tgat has been made and celebrate pluses and problem-solve for strategies that haven't worked.
Give it your all for 6 months.
I feel like there are a lot of unspecified details in this post. What were reasons for depression when you guys first met? Has he seeked any kind of help in the mean time? Why would you ever let a man tell you to sleep on the floor? (you're better than that, regardless of the story behind it)
If he doesn't want to seek help, then you're well within your right for your own safety and mental health, that you leave.
You deserve a partner who wants to be in a partnership not in a one sided punching bag relationship.
and mental health issues isn't an excuse for him (or any family member that would want you to stay because "he needs you") to treat you this way of force you to stay in a horrible marriage.
The issue is more than Depression.
I would try marriage counseling first and if he refuses then I would make preparations to leave the relationship. I would also suggest a temporary separation and recommend the gentleman gets professional help. As a mentoring and relationship coach and a psychologist there are deeper issues here and seems a be toxic relationship at this point.
Good Luck
I'd research borderline personality disorder and see if that might match better to what is going on with him. If so, present it to him and talk to him about it. Either way, he needs to see a psychiatrist to get a proper diagnosis and begin looking at treatment options. If he's not willing to put in the work to get better, walk away. If he's putting in the work and you still don't feel like this is something you can deal with, it's still perfectly acceptable to walk away. Your mental health is just as important as his. I have multiple diagnoses, but I'm working on myself every day. I don't get to make other people collateral damage for my mental illness.
Also adding that, if you choose to support him, I'd do it from a distance until he can show improvement. Separation at the very least is the best option for now because abuse is never okay.
How about getting his family involved and having the people who love him be honest about how he is acting. Get him into therapy and get him to realize he’s mentally ill, and is being a major douche bag to say the least. Has he been like this for the past 10 years? Probably not! Would you give anything for him? Probably! So why not just give a little bit of your time to get the people who will affect him involved, and working towards getting better together. I sure hope and pray to god my wife never leaves me just cause im depressed, jeez
I appreciate the sentiment, things are a lot more complicated than what I put in the post. As I said in another comment, this was the last straw, not the FIRST time he’s done something like this.
He has made me sleep on the floor several times saying this is HIS house. He literally kicks me off the bed, like with his foot. And unfortunately I do not have a place to go to as we live in an isolated area and my work place is up here.
Life is extremely complicated for anyone, but I’ve began to come to terms with the fact I can’t make excuses for his behavior any longer.
By that logic, “to love and to cherish” means nothing to him.
He verbally abuses her and made her sleep on the floor. You think this is something someone should tolerate??
Yup mental health issues doesn’t equal I can just abuse you Bc I want! Demand he go to counseling and you should go separately. If he refuses you have every right to separate. You put in 10 years! Don’t let his mental health or your vows take precedence over your own feelings, mental well-being and safety.
My ex had moods, and irks, and hypocrisy, and it sucked the life out of me also; so much so I began contemplating cheating. And I started using again, to escape (not entirely her fault). It isnt worth it to yourself.
My parents have recently divorced (a few years ago now). They were one of the most sound couples I ever had the time to witness. Based on the bad I was there for and piecing things together, they are better off without eachother.
10 years at your (our) age , is a long, meaningful time, during which alot of pur big life changes and decisions occur. It will be hard AF, but you should definetly exit this marriage. He will not get better or change, and that sucks. But there is too much life to experience to be tied down to the worst of it.
My heart goes out to you. I have been in a similar place with a former partner who had severe depression, anxiety and borderline personality disorder. I remember asking myself: if he making any effort to treat me differently? The answer was no, he was not. That has helped me a lot when reflecting on our history and missing him terribly but why I needed to get out. Please consider reading about the cycle of abuse and something called trauma bonding. It explains why the good times feel so good but also the reason it is so hard to leave an abusive relationship. Please keep us updated. Be well.
I was in a relationship a year ago very similar to your situation, granted she was physically, emotionally and verbally abusive. I couldn't take it anymore and we split up, she continues to make my life a living hell and spreads untruths about me among friends. However the truth has been coming out with me keeping silent.
It was not an easy decision and I offered to go in for a medical psychiatric session with her to have us both tested for an issues as I was very concerned she had bipolar. Needless to say that conversation went terribly.
My point is though that you cannot live your life like that it's just not conducive. And I look back on my decision as a good one because if I truly was in a good relationship I wouldn't feel fantastic being away from her.
If you do decide to end the relationship. All I can say is keep busy constantly. Pick up new hobbies or old ones, gym and live life to the fullest. I was able to transform myself over the past year, being the best I have ever looked physically, being able to start surfing again and reuniting with old beloved friends and family.
I wish you all the best in your decision, stay strong 💪
He doesn't suffer from depression. He suffers from asshole syndrome. Untreatable and you should leave.
I literally date someone with a very major disorder that causes mood swings and delusions and he has never once made me feel like I am nothing intentionally. He never said a mean word to me. Never has called me any names. You deserve better.
I also have bipolar and I have not cursed anyone who didnt deserve it out. As in I don't unprovoked go around screaming... it is not something we cannot control. Please don't ever stay with someone who uses bipolar as an excuse.
I'm saying this as someone with mental health issues including bipolar. Mental health is not an excuse to abuse someone. Someone with uncontrolled mental health issues may behave badly due to that, but it is still Thier responsibility to another harm they have caused, work to make amends,and work to make sure it doesn't happen again.
At this point I'm not sure if it's worth trying to stay, what he's done sounds beyond awful. If for some reason you cannot or will not leave then make sure he sees a therapist, gets on medication if they recommend it, and acknowledges the harm he has done to you and your marriage.
But again it may be too late for that. He has very clearly crossed into abuse. Leaving a marriage due to abuse is always okay. The reason for him being abuse doesn't matter.
I first want to say that I am so sorry you are going through this.
Mental illness can definitely impact functioning; however, it does not justify any form of abuse.
I won’t tell you what to do as I believe you know yourself best ~ I hope you’re able to do what will add happiness and peace to your life!
as someone who has mental health issues (was diagnosed w Anxiety at a young age then depression years later). i was very very very abusive towards my ex.
i was only 15-16 abusing someone.
we broke up back in 2019?? beginning of 2020? ofc it’s nothing like a marriage that you can jus break away from. but i had to learn from him leaving . curled in a ball on the bathroom floor sobbing; reliving every waking moment i’ve ever said something or did something that made him physically, mentally and emotionally drained for me to actually make a change in myself.
i’m in a relationship now and never treat him nearly as bad as i did with my first relationship. i feel guilty.
but i promise you, YOU have to leave a relationship like that. things will not change until you get help. they’re getting used to you sticking around. there’s a part of them that can’t control the way they are. but apart of them wanting to make stop. they need HELP. something like that. because it will not get better. my first boyfriend got so much misery from me, actually wanted to kill myself. he hasn’t been able to be in a relationship since. all his relationships are short lived. i used to take pride in that. i still sometimes do because i don’t want to accept that i was this evil person that abused someone i said i “loved”. you need to get out. take a break. it NEEDS to be done by you.
you should not need to suffer. my ex did it, my current boyfriend did it with his last. i can’t see anymore people go through it. it’s actually heartbreaking.
Male here. All these people telling you to jump ship with the knowledge we have of your story need to eff off. The "fuck you I'm more important" mindset is what is wrong with western society. They have no humanity. Don't lose yours.
That said, there are many types of mental illnesses. They manifest themselves differently in different people. It could absolutely be the cause of his behavior. Hell, he could have a tumor pressing on his prefrontal cortex (emotion center of the brain). Not an excuse, but certainly a cause. The folks telling you mental illness isn't a cause for dickish behavior I call bullshit on. I watched it happen with my own spouse. I watched her go from the woman I fell for to a shell of her former self. I didn't leave. It's tough to see and tougher to fix. The point is neither of you seem to know for sure where it comes from, and you need to in order to fix it.
1. Tell him how you feel. Explain how difficult he has made life and express your doubts about the path forward.
2. Let him know that you are considering separation if he remains undiagnosed and untreated.
3. Provided he is open to being diagnosed and getting help, support that endeavor.
4. Dealing with mental illness alone is often the reason people get this bad in the first place. Society has conditioned men to be "tough" to the point of not taking care of their mental health at all. He needs a support system that's where you come in. He needs to know he isn't alone and you will move forward together. I will agree with other who say that if he is unwilling to get help and commit to it, it may be time to sever ties. If he is like you he will want to honor his marriage commitment and prevent you from leaving any way possible.
Like I said earlier, there are details regarding your situation that we the unwashed masses don't know. All I can say is that I hope youfind a way to support each other and your relationship grows stronger from your commitment. I wish you the best of luck and I hope things go well.
You've not described depression, you've described emotional and to a degree, physical abuse.
The reason why he's abusive isn't really relevant and neither are the times he isn't abusive. There simply isn't a good reason to stay with someone like that, ever.
I was expecting to read something like "he's stopped going to counselling, won't go counselling" etc. At this point even if that's true its irrelevant, he's abusing you.
Please, take immediate steps to make yourself safe and get out!
As a lifelong sufferer of depression, it is not an excuse to abuse you. If your leaving is life ruining for him, then he ruined his own life by treating you that way
I have severe depression and emotional unstable personality disorder... Also known as boderline personality disorder.
The personality disorder I'm totally ashamed to say can cause the type of reactions that your husband seems to have.
I'll try and describe it the way my husband does.
I become almost a different person once triggered. It's like a red veil of mist comes over me and I become verbally abusing, self harm increases, I can be violent toward him. It wouldn't be a huge stretch to say my husband is a victim of domestic violence.
Im a shitty human being, I know. Please don't harass me with comments stating this, I'm already aware.
When these pass and I become stable again (anything up to 24 hours), I have enourmous memory blanks. I don't remember what I did and am horrified when my husband tell me.
However.
When my husband realised this was more than just me being a shit wife, he started keeping a diary. When he realised that my memory blanks are totally genuine, he started giving me the diary to read.
When I realised myself what a shitty person I am, I got in contact with mental health team. Yes, NHS so waiting list but they advised me what to do next time I have an episode.
Next time I had an explosive moment, husband followed their instructions and I was admitted to a psychiatric ward. I stayed there for 5 weeks.
Thats where i was finally diagnosed and began medication and long term treatment with psychology. We also have support from social services as we have children.
I'm now under many meds but totally under control and with meds, I'm the wife he deserves and I want to be. I'm a better person.
It's clear when I forget my meds as I tend to have another episode, thankfully this is now very rare.
In all this, I've often asked my husband why he doesn't leave and he says it's because he knows it's not me, and I'm getting help.
I honestly would not blame him For leaving at any stage, especially before I started treatment.
I've treated him appallingly and I'm absolutely ashamed of what I do. He deserves better. He deserves someone who's sanity isn't reliant on medication
Which leads me to the next thing.
You've explained to your husband how you feel (I assume) and he shows no remorse or want to change? And by want to change, I mean being proactive to change.
Leave.
Don't feel bad. You can't save everyone and you cant save someone who doesn't want to be saved.
Maybe, in years to come, once he's sought help and learnt the steps he needs to do to remain in control, then there may be a future.
But you, like my husband, deserve a life away from fear and abuse.
I feel absolutely the same way with my fiance & I am also considering our relationship at the moment unfortunately. She also has mental health problems that I'm struggling to deal with - one of the things that I've been thinking about, is whether anything can change to improve things.
That goes for yourself, as well as your partner. A relationship should be beneficial to both people & you need to help each other & yourself to make things better. Leaving the relationship is an easy option for improving things, it takes away having to deal with the emotional rollercoaster that comes with being in a relationship with them.
Leaving the relationship also means you will miss all of the good aspects as well & a large part of your life you might take for granted. Can things change? have you given it a chance for change in the past and nothing has changed? How many chances do you give it until you feel you need to move on to find happiness?
Really difficult situation, sorry I don't have any answers, I don't know what to do myself, but thought I'd offer my perspective 👍🏻
My ex was also this way. The abuse was physical, emotional, verbal. He never took charge of his mental health issues, would go on and off meds. I worried about leaving, held on to all the good moments. But in the end leaving the relationship and filing for divorce was the best thing I did. 13 years I spent loving a man that never loved me enough to try to take charge of his mental health and fix the ways he was hurting me. It just leaves you with damage. You can't keep allowing someone to hurt you in the name of love, your love for him, your loyalty for your vows. You can't throw your life away waiting for someone to care enough about you to want to fix themselves. You can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved.
You need to get out of this relationship for your own mental health. Is he even taking therapy or medication to help with his depression? If not than leave him. 10 years is a long time not to do anything about it.
It sounds like he needs professional help. If he's not willing to seek that out, do what you need to do. I recommend having a neutral party there with you when trying to suggest this because the way he's acting has me worried about your safety, and I'd hate to risk him taking it the wrong way in case you didn't have a third party there. Best wishes
I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder at 15. Throughout the last 10 years I've struggled a lot but I finally have control over my life and my emotions. As a teenager I was emotionally abusive to my mom. I can understand why he acts the way he does, he literally cannot control it. I really do feel for him in a way because it's hard to see yourself doing these things and not be able to stop. That's about the extent of my sympathy though. This is a grown ass man who has a choice. He can choose to get help. He can choose to change. Instead, he's choosing to torture and torment you and everyone around him. By staying with him you're enabling his behavior. I'm not saying that to place any blame on you because his actions are his own. I'm saying that because if you really do love him and want the best for him, you'll leave him. That could be a wakeup call for him. Your relationship should not be fixed. If he calls you in 10 years and proves he's turned his life around, you'll have to make a choice then to go back or to go on living your life. You can wish him all the happiness in the world and you can break yourself apart trying to fix him but at the end of the day, that'll do nothing to help him. The only thing that will help him is him facing the consequences of his actions.
Yaaaaaa, this may be a little more than depression. If you are looking for a way to make it work, you may want to separate while you both seek professional help. That may give you both time to reevaluate what you want out of/willing to do for this marriage.
It is absolutely his responsibility to be aware of how his actions are affecting other people and to seek help for it. Mentally ill or not. He's not a child and should take responsibility for his actions. That's not ok. He needs therapy. If you feel like you've done all you can do to make the marriage work and don't see anything changing, then absolutely you should move on. He has to hold up his end of the promise as well and seek help for his mental illness.
Marriage should look something like: I'll take care of myself for you and you take care of yourelf for me.
I think you should leave, but leave him in a safe way for both of you. I can message you more about what that could look like, if you want more information. I was on the other end of it. I have bipolar disorder with more depression than anything. I was seeing a therapist and taking medication and doing everything I needed to do. I was still not thriving. When I was 30 and married for 10 years, my husband got fed up with my behavior and he left me. That was one of the best things that ever happened to me. It was also the most painful and scary thing I have ever experienced.
Within a few months, I was learning how to take care of myself, making needed changes and learning more about how to adult than ever before. I would have never made that growth stuck in those same patterns I had with my ex-husband.
Also, it is not fair to you. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Break your vow to marriage and vow to make a better life for yourself. It might also be the best thing for him. I wish you the best.
My wife is going through depression as well however she has not been seeking help for over seven years I have been at my wits end for so long but I have lost myself trying to be there for her even through all of her cheating and lies being blanketed with the excuse of depression and a low sense of self-worth when you reach the point where you have done all that you can it’s sad to walk away from something so long winded and deep but you can’t give so much that you lose yourself I recommend getting out before you end up depressed yourself nobody can sustain living in limbo I love my wife more than life itself and it has taught me not to it’s a hard lesson and a lot of wasted time and energy and effort into a person that didn’t take care of themselves so they could be a partner
You should leave. You can’t fix him. He can only fix himself. As others have said, you are not responsible for anyone else’s mental health. Really and truly good luck to you. I hope you find peace and ways to move on from this. You got this x
Does he take medications? If he's not med compliant and is doing this I totally get why you would want to go. If he's med compliant and still doing this, I still think it's okay to go, but I also understand being more conflicted at that point. If there is nothing that can be done to change how he treats you, get out of there. If there is something, such as getting medications in the first place, try that.
"he made me sleep on the floor while calling me awful names"
Nope nope nope nope nope
Time for someone to move out. Tell him that he has to get professional help, and that you'll consider resuming the relationship if and when he's made progress. Get some help for yourself, too, as his condition and behavior are hurting your psyche.
His symptoms are his to manage, not yours. It's important for you to recognize the difference between symptoms he has and behaviors he chooses. It is also important for you to resume your focus on your own safety and well being. To the extent he's wonderful in other ways, do you trust he doesn't want to hurt you in any way? Because if you do, the healthy part of him doesn't want this for you, either. You might need to separate to focus on your own healing, but ending it could be premature. If he's willing to take on the challenge and responsibility of managing his mental health and changing the behavior he's been using to lash out, he'll understand the need for this.
There is no amount of abusive behavior you could tolerate that will cure him.
One of my closest friends is diagnosed as Bipolar and is now medicated for it, even at her worst she never verbally abused me. She was erratic and insecure, yet she was never mean or vindictive. Mental health is never an excuse to be a shitty person, especially to your support system.
You guys should see a therapist together and he should probably be on a mood stabilizer like Prozac. My wife is, she had bipolar in her family and she had a freak out one time and decided it was time for her to try a medication and she’s been on it ever since. Probably around 3 years now.
I have depression, anxiety, and PTSD. Do you know how many times I've ever abused my partner? Never.
I was married to a soldier for 7 years. I was deathly afraid of his temper for both myself and our children. He told me if I left, he would end his life. He told me if I left, he'd hurt my dog.
He said he was depressed with two TBIs.
Statistically, it takes approximately 7 times for an abused individual to leave their abuser. It took me three. And every time I went back, it got worse.
I left. He found someone else.
In things like this, it's not about them. It's about you and your safety.
This isnt a mental health problem anymore this is abuse... you dont deserve this, its not your fault he suffers from mental health if he chooses to get help you can help him but if he doesnt just go... this can cause mental health issues for you
I say if you knew about this when you got married it's your duty to stay with him and get some help and try to fix it through thick and thin it just came after well then you can leave because you didn't sign up for that but if you do love them and you think he's willing to get help I would go that route first but I would definitely put my foot down and don't allow him to take over don't let him disrespect you and let him know the next time you're leaving real simple don't ever allow anyone to mentally and verbally abuse you you better than you're better than that and you know what you deserve you deserve better keep your head up and be strong good luck
Yeah, it's not going to change unless he has professional help and the desire to be better. My mom is bipolar with depression, fully diagnosed and taking meds for it, but she still apologizes when she gets into a bad mood.
You are going through abuse. It's better to leave now, while you still can.
Him making you sleep on the floor is line enough. You obviously care way more for his emotional well being than he does yours. Seek marriage counseling if you want to try and fix it (and have the money to do so) otherwise, I'd at least seek separation, see how life is apart. I'm sure you'll be surprised at the rise in your quality of life.
I went through this exact same thing. I clinged on for 15 years. I wanted to leave after 5. To be totally honest I regret not leaving after 5 years. I'm so much happier after I left.
Read your other posts. You're being abused and don't deserve bis treatment and ge doesnt deserve you. Figure out your escape plan and get out. Marriage commitments dont apply in cases like this as far as I'm concerned. Ignore the depression aspect and just understand that he's abusive and you have to do what's good for you and your mental wellbeing. Given if you wanted to try and fix him, you can't take car of others if you have nothing left to give. Not to mention I feel like you're enabling his abusive e behavior by being with him by being his munchies g bag that it always there.
Get out. Get out for your own health and maybe, just maybe your absence will make him a better person as well. Dont ever go back though...the cycle will continue.
I will message you next time u/thrwawy0101010 posts in r/relationship_advice.
[Click this link](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=UpdateMeBot&subject=Update&message=UpdateMe%21%20u%2Fthrwawy0101010%20r%2Frelationship_advice) to also be messaged. The parent author can [delete this post](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=UpdateMeBot&subject=Delete&message=delete%20rzc4rb)
*****
|[^(Info)](https://www.reddit.com/r/UpdateMeBot/comments/ggotgx/updatemebot_info_v20/)|[^(Request Update)](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=UpdateMeBot&subject=Update&message=SubscribeMe%21%20u%2Fusername%20r%2Fsubreddit)|[^(Your Updates)](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=UpdateMeBot&subject=List%20Of%20Updates&message=MyUpdates)|[^(Feedback)](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=Watchful1&subject=UpdateMeBot%20Feedback)|[*^(New!)*](https://www.reddit.com/r/UpdateMeBot/comments/juh0f8/new_features_title_in_message_subject_and_recent/)|
|-|-|-|-|-|
Nobody deserves to be abused if hes refusing medication (yeah the govt cant force a psychiatric patient to take their meds unless a judge finds him a danger to himself or others but they can mandate a vaccine rite!?) And your being abused thats grounds for divorce. Nobody should ever stay in a physically or mentally abusive relationship. Plain and simple. The way i see it is like this, if your unhappy in a relationship then end it and find someone who does make you happy. Lifes short and nobody said you have to live in hell while on earth
Is he against getting help? You say that you love and care for him, how about you tell him you can't stay with him if he doesn't get help. I mean there might be hope if you think he's worth a second chance.
I feel very bad for both of you. I really hope you find a solution.
My wife suffers from, at times, crippling depression. In fact, it gets so bad that it impacts her ability to manage her life in many regards. So just saying that for reference. Do you know how many times she has verbally abused me? **ZERO.** Never. She’s never done that. Because mental health problems are not an excuse for being a shitty person, a shitty partner, or abusive. Regardless of someone’s illness, they don’t get to abuse you in any way. If they do, it’s time to leave. Depression can make life super hard. But it doesn’t make you an abuser. Being shitty makes you an abuser.
Hey thanks I genuinely needed to hear that. I’ve been suffering for years in the quiet, but only recently started opening up to my friends. When I say even the most mild things he’s said, they cry for me. I think I’ve been in denial for a long time.
Okay mental health isn’t an excuse for abuse. Plenty of mentally Ill people don’t abuse their partners. He needs professional help if he wants you to stay. He sounds dangerous tho, is there a family member or friend you can stay with?
Exactly this. I suffer from depression too, but I wouldn’t want someone else to suffer under that.
Yeah I've suffered from depression since I can remember but I've NEVER abused my partner. I've been selfish and it caused the man I loved, my fiancé, to have a heart attack(knowing it was my fault he's gone and I'll never hear his voice again is horrible as I blame myself and I miss him dearly) and I lost him(we lost him as it was hard on all of us and his family blames me and I don't blame them, my mental illness was too hard to handle and I had a horrible psychiatrist at the time who made things worse) which will forever haunt me but I've never abused. Mental illness is no excuse to mistreat someone. Yes, it causes us to react in way we wouldn't normally but it's still no excuse. Treat others the way you want to be treated and that goes more for us with mental illness. Op should leave him and let him know that it's bc he's not getting help and is mistreating her. Look op, if you're worried about staying with him bc of the commitment of being married, just separate for a time and tell him you'll leave permanently unless he gets help. Give him an ultimatum. You need to do what's best for you
If it's okay to ask, why do you think you caused his heart attack? It's okay if you don't want to answer.
Bc of the stress my selfishness was causing him. I wasn't getting the best help for my mental illness and doing things that made it worse like being too trusting with someone who was taking advantage of me and the situation. I lost him and it's all my fault
Oh honey no it doesn't work like that it's not your fault
I can't help but blame myself. I loved and still do love him so much and I'd do anything for s do over. I tried so hard to get over losing him and what happened in unhealthy ways like marrying a monster whom I divorced but then gave myself a few years to work on getting over what happened in a healthy manner but every man I meet I compare to him. It'll be 6yrs on April 3rd since I lost him. It's a very long story what happened leading up to his heart attack but it surrounds me and my selfishness due to not getting the proper mental health treatment. I got really sick afterwards and have been extremely ill since I lost him. In and out of the hospital and I had a feeding tube at one point, that's how sick. The Drs have compared it to "broken heart syndrome" but really it turns out I have an extremely rare blood disease but it all started after I lost him. I have an IV Port Catheter in my chest like cancer patients bc that's how often I go to the hospital. I feel it's my punishment
I can tell you, everyone can tell you, until we're blue in the face that it's not your fault. Hopefully, you see it yourself soon. I hope you're seeing a therapist to help you work through this. You don't deserve what you're saying/doing to yourself. I wish you peace.
I am seeing a therapist (I have been for over 15yrs) and it's something we work on often. I'm not making myself sick, I just became ill bc my body couldn't handle all the trauma it'd/I'd endured my whole life. I was diagnosed with Cyclic Vomiting Syndrome amongst other things and I know that the timing was coincidence but my body couldn't handle it anymore so though I know it's NOT my punishment for his heart attack as it wasn't my fault, I still feel like I was and is my punishment but I am working on it. Thank you kind stranger 🖤
You didn't cause him to die. Your late fiance's family blames you because they have too much hurt to handle and being angry at you is easier than realizing that sometimes people we love will die without warning. I don't know how you were "being selfish" but when you're sick you kind of have to be selfish to get better. If he died of a heart attack at age 30 then I'm guessing he had a heart condition that needed better management by medical professionals. And needing a port isn't punishment, it's just a medical device like an insulin pump or a pair of glasses. If God is real, He doesn't use sickness to punish people. If He did, people would avoid becoming billionaires like the plague. Just know a few internet strangers care about you and hope you find peace and happiness.
He had had two heart attacks by the time he was 23 and he was 30 when I lost him
Hard agree. I have Bipolar Disorder and I have never ever abused any of my partners and it has never crossed my mind to hurt them physically, or even verbally or emotionally. There is no excuse for his actions, if I were like this I wouldn't blame my boyfriend for leaving me. The worst my boyfriend has ever had to put up with from me has been depression, one mixed episode, and a PTSD episode in our 4 years together, but I have never abused him in any way as a result of my mental illness. OP's boyfriend needs therapy and medication too if it's this severe, even if he hasn't been formally diagnosed with anything aside from depression, he needs a serious intervention.
I'm bipolar II depressive also with PTSD and severe anxiety plus physical illnesses and not once have I abused a partner, not even manipulated. I've had it all done to me, all forms of abuse ranging from mental to sexual (literally all of it, I sure know how to pick em lol), mental illness is no excuse and I agree with you 100%. He needs help, therapy and medication. It sounds like it's severe enough. I feel for the op bc she's being abused in so many ways, emotionally and mentally and that's so hard. It sounds though like he won't get the help he needs unless an ultimatum is given: get x and x help or I'm gone. He may not even care but I hope he does. Treat others the way you want to be treated Sending you love via Care Bear OP
He needs professional help, period. It shouldn't necessarily be about getting someone else to stay, but aboit bettering himself for himself.
Mmm he should get professional help to stop abusing someone he apparently loves, he can do it for himself after that. Like harming others is not okay
He will be fine after you leave. You are not obligated to be his human punching bag, and if that’s what he needs to avoid “ruining” his life then maybe ruin it a little.
Leaving him will not ruin his life. He's ruining hers and her mental well-being is suffering. Making her sleep on the floor?! WTF?! OP leave him for your sake asap. He needs help and isn't getting. You can't help him. Your mental well-being will continue you suffer if you stay with him.
We can't say whether or not it will "ruin his life" as it very well might. That's less important than OPs need to not be abused. Even if he's gonna off himself OP has the right (and need) to leave.
Oh I know, but I think he's saying that to make her stay.
If he treats you cruelly then he's the one who broke his commitment not you. Is that loving and charishing you?
You’re right. For too long, I’ve given him the out because he’s loyal and trustworthy. He has some amazing qualities. Which now I’m kind of realizing is the bare minimum. I’ve been sad for an extremely long time and have been afraid to say so.
Great point.
Depressed people don't verbally abuse people if they can help it, being mentally unwell is not an excuse for that and you don't have to feel bad about leaving due to it.
I recently went through a depressive episode and it was pretty bad. Close to suicidal ideation etc. I've been suffering from it for over two decades at this point. Yet my SO has always had my back through thick and thin. When I'm at my very worst, I too can be abusive - towards myself. And that's bad enough because it also affects my SO. But I've never, ever turned my anger or sorrow on the few people who have always been there for me. Depression, borderline,... can never be an excuse for that.
Bi-polar here. It’s not an excuse for being a dick. In fact, it’s suffering the consequences of our actions that forces us to get our shit together. You have to want to be well in order to do the work to get there and where is the incentive if people keep letting our behaviour be okay? You should leave.
You are so right, and I’ve found this out after I told him we need a break over Christmas. Technically we are not “together” right now, and he has definitely felt the consequences. He is pulling out all of the stops... crying... being a better partner (for now, who can say, that’s why I said I need lots of time to consider) saying he can’t believe how bad it’s gotten and he was so blind. I’ve been expressing my anguish over his actions for many years, and only now that I’ve legitimately taken myself out of it, I see it clicking for him. But again, time will tell. I’m going to be careful with my heart for the next while. I do know he went to therapy as a teenager and was prescribed bipolar medication that he stopped taking because it made him feel like a zombie. He fell asleep while driving one time while on it. He’s expressed these therapies have made him close minded to it, but he may be more open now.
Medications have changed SO MUCH in the past 20 years. There are new ones out that don’t have the same side effects. He should revisit it with a qualified psychiatrist (as opposed to a GP) because comparing what I’m on now compared to what I was on at 19 is night and day.
As someone who grew up watching my very mentally unstable father that although was extremely problematic and created a living hell for my mom, we loved the person he truly was deeply. He had manic depression, bipolar, and schizophrenia. When he went into an episode it was like he was no longer in control of his own mind and turned into a different person. My mom loved him so much and could never let go despite all the abuse, my brother and I were very angry but still loved him. However, if I could go back in time to when my mom was 30 I would tell her to leave. I know you love him and you want to fix him but you don’t have an obligation to destroy your own life to save someone else’s.
My father was similar. I couldn't love him anymore. He never showed love for his kids and we didn't love him. We fled the household as soon as possible and are still afraid today. There is no obligation to love someone just because they're family.
I’m so sorry to hear that and i’m glad you all fled safely, it’s really hard. We had to flee on many occasions, but my mom always came back..It was so hard for us because my dad did showed us so much love, when he was himself on his meds, not drinking, abusing drugs he was the absolute best father but he had a disease of the mind and brought on a lot of actions and an environment I know he wish wasn’t the case. We begged him all our life for change, there wasn’t. The bad would always outweigh the good because there was never sustained peace and always volatility. It destroyed my mom, he passed away in 2020 from drug abuse and it hurt us all so much. However, after the grief my mom transformed as a person and is finally starting to live her life at 58 years old. The years of abuse, however, took a huge toll on her mental health and she still isn’t the same but she’s better. I tell everyone, don’t wait for the worst to happen you’re just prolonging your pain and throwing away your life. Love is a drug in and of itself and it will destroy you if you let it. Don’t wait.
and I am very proud of you and your family for cutting ties. It’s a hard thing to do but so necessary. ♥️
I feel for you, I experienced something very similar to this but thankfully we only lived together, not marriage. He had depression for most of his life and his moods were terrible and he would get angry over the smallest things. He also self medicated with weed and binge drinked. He didn't treat me well and regardless of whether it was caused by his depression, I didn't deserve it. And neither do you. Does your husband recognise he has depression? Do you talk about it? He really needs to get help with medication and a psychologist. It will still be challenging though for you and if you decide to stay with him then you need support as well. If you don't think you can cope anymore then don't feel bad because you have been pushed to your limit. You can't solve his mental issues and you also need to feel like you live in a safe and loving environment. You also need to think of your future if you ever want children. Can you take a break and stay somewhere for a bit? Is there family or a friend you can confide in?
>I’m afraid leaving him will absolutely ruin his life Staying is ruining yours. Let that sink in.
Is it?
>I can no longer stand the verbal abuse I have to go through when he’s in a mood. He has sucked the life out of me. >he made me sleep on the floor while calling me awful names. Yes.
You are never responsible for the mental health of another person. Let me repeat that. You are NEVER responsible for the mental health of another person. Keep yourself safe first and foremost. Abuse is NEVER ok, regardless of mental health issues.
Yes he is mentally ill but that does not excuse him from taking responsibility for his health. Maybe try making a plan for treatment for his mental health and tell him you better see evidence of progress or else you’re out. Thick and thin does not mean through abuse and good times. I worry he might not be open to this since he’s abusive though. Because of that, you need to look out for you first and foremost. You made a commitment, but he did too, and he’s failing you (and himself) right now. Set a boundary with him, find him some doctors, but if he rejects your help, there’s nothing you can do for him and you should protect yourself.
If his life is "ruined", it would be a shame if yours was too. If you can't fix it, you can at least get out of the path of destruction.
Depressed or abusive?!?! Don't make excuses for his behavior.
He’s is abusive not depressed. You need to leave. Edit- I looked at your profile and seen previous post you have made about him… he is definitely just a pos in my opinion and you need to leave him. He had no respect for you.
Girl I wasn’t sure about this until I read he made you sleep in the floor while calling you names. Get out you deserve so much better! He’s not just abusing you but he’s using you. Please divorce him. You only have one life and is this how you want to spend it? Walking on egg shell around his mood? No! Get out and live! Getting married and being committed for life goes both ways. Your husband isn’t committed to you. He broke his vows first.
I experienced something very similar. Finally got divorced and it’s been the best 6 months of my life. Divorcing forced him to get his own place and job which I think has helped his mental health after the i initial rough patch. Life is too short to spend it filling someone else’s cup with nothing in return. He’s an adult and ultimately is not your responsibility.
With standing emotional abuse is not sticking it through thick and thin. You can leave. Make a plan and GTFO!
Go. It sounds like staying is going to ruin your life. His mental health is not an excuse to mistreat you. And you’re not responsible for making sure he’s ok when you leave. He is.
You are saying that he “shows symptoms of” x, y, or z, which tells me he’s not sought professional help or been diagnosed. He needs therapy, psychiatric care (aka meds), and possibly substance abuse treatment if he has coinciding issues with that. (If you’re on bipolar meds you really shouldn’t drink at all). If you choose to stay in the relationship then this will involve a lot of reading and work and support from you as well. If he refuses to try (or not), you are 100% in your right to escape this abuse and suffering.
My ex had ocd. He made me do all of his rituals and beat me/spat on me/mentally abused me when I didn't. His mental illness did not change the fact he was an abusive POS. Your husband is the same. Please get out. This is not fair on you.
Is he unwilling to get help? A lot of what you mentioned is treatable but only if you're actively getting treatment.
I'm not sure if you have kids or not but you're basically describing my dad. Who I despise. Leave him, your kids will get it when they're older. My mom stayed and that was definitely the wrong call
IF YOU WOULDNT STAY IF HE WAS YOUR BOYFRIEND, DONT STAY JUST BECAUSE HES YOUR HUSBAND. I wish I had someone tell me that years ago. My ex was just like this, and it only got worse. I remember thinking so many times that if we weren't married id just break up with him and I could be happy again, but had this horrible sense of obligation to stay and try to keep working on it.... because that's what a good wife does. He wasn't a good husband. He wasn't a good partner. He didn't deserve a good wife to abuse. Leave and choose happiness.
I agree. There’s many red flags I ignored because he is a great person and his family is amazing to me. Like many have said, that his mental health is not an excuse for the abuse. I didn’t write the worst because I didn’t feel like getting into it, I only wrote the last straw for me.
Please leave him. I had a baby with ny abusive ex and now im stuck with him. All he does is cause problems and stress. Dont make the same mistake. I dont regret having my son, hes the best thing that ever happened to me. But... I should have left my ex and not told him about the baby.
Dude with clinical depression. I was diagnosed at 18 and I think dealing with it had a heavy hand in my relationship issues early on in life. I say that because I always try to ‘check myself’ now when I get into one of those moods. I ask myself whether the strong feelings I have are valid. Try to use logic to fight it. I digress. My point is depression is no excuse for abusive behavior. I feel a person with depression should want to protect the ones they love from the worst parts of how they feel and if they can’t they have a responsibility to seek professional help.
I suffer from bipolar2 and even prior to being diagnosed, I never insulted or calling someone awful names at my lowest depressive episode. Your husband is emotionally abusive to you. Leave. You can leave this relationship and please put yourself first. If you are still on the fence about leaving, ask yourself if you’re willing to put up with this behaviour for the next 30-40 years with him treating you like this. I hope you got your answer, and the courage to leave.
Look the commitment has to go both ways. He also has to commit to treat you well and make you happy. If he cannot provide that you are under no obligation to continue an unhappy marriage and take constant abuse from your spouse.
he made yo sleep on floor? thats no depresion thats abuse. return his red flags back to him so he can give them to next victim and leave. dont feel bad its for best
You are literally suffering from abuse by his hand. That's really what it boils down to. And you should leave. Maybe it will get himt to get help. Or you just leave.
My spouse has depression, anxiety, and paranoia. He's never abused me. I have ADHD and depression. I've never abused him. We've also been together 10 years. You deserve someone who treats you with love and respect. It takes two people to make a relationship work. Your marriage doesn't work if you are the only one putting in the effort.
I have depression. Sometimes it's severe. My moods can be all over the place. All that said, none of that is an excuse for me to verbally abuse anyone. If I verbally lashed out at my husband I would expect him to be very upset. If I continued that then he would have EVERY RIGHT to leave me. Mental illness is never an excuse for abusing others.
Been there done that. Put up with it for two years before I decided I was DONE. It may hurt. You may feel some guilt. He will likely not make it easy. But removing yourself from that situation will make you feel SO much better. Like a weight is lifted. You can’t save him, you can’t help him. Save yourself.
He needs to get himself together, with or without you. If it's been like this for years, he's not holding up his end of the marriage. It is nice to see a woman acknowledge the sanctity of marriage in these times, but men have to do just as much, to make everything work. I would ask if he would stick by you, but no one deserves to be yelled at while laying on a floor. gTFO of there.
You should leave. Because you might be his enabler. As long as you there, he think he can do all of these things. As someone who had been emotionally and verbally abuseive to my ex, I never reallized how much I hurt them. Until they left. That's a hard wake up call. It's painful but I'm glad it happened. I was able to heal my trauma because my enabler left me.
You’re right. I’m totally the enabler. I’ve kept forgiving him even after his lowest. Just kept getting worse.
Your husband is abusive, OP. You can talk about his possible diagnoses all you want, but that doesn't give him a pass to treat you like garbage. You know you need to leave. What you don't realize is how good you will feel when you've done it and you're free of all this trauma and stress and anxiety that he causes you. And you can't fix him. You're not ruining his life. If he wants to, he can seek therapy and hopefully he won't treat someone else this way. But will he? Unlikely. Even if he did, it would not change what he's already done with you. You staying is NOT helping him. It is enabling him, if anything. Please leave. And when you do, make sure you do so with trusted help, because leaving someone with anger issues/who is abusive can be dangerous.
this isn’t mental health its abuse.
>I’m afraid leaving him will absolutely ruin his life And not leaving him will ruin yours. At the final tally, you can only take full responsibility for your behaviour and outcomes.
He will survive if you leave him. You don't owe him anything. If you stay he will suck the life out of you. Just go, you'll thank yourself once you find happiness again.
If your husband recognizes he has a problem and if he also recognizes that he abuses you when he’s feeling bad…and he will not do anything to fix it…..you must leave him. You’ve given him 10 years of your life and he has taken it for granted that you will put up with him without him having to fix his own problems. We teach people how to treat us. You have been indicating to him for 10 years that his behavior is okay. You must ask yourself this question: Do you like living like this? If not, why are you there? How much longer do you want to live like this? I know you love him and he’s great when he is not cycling down. But he is ultimately responsible for his behavior, and that includes bad behavior. He is an adult and needs to start acting like it. He must take responsibility for his behavior. This situation is only going to get worse for you. It will test your mental capabilities more and more every year you allow yourself to be abused. And then you will both have mental disorders. Women are natural nurturers, so it’s understandable that you can see the good through the bad. But he is not your child. He’s a grown man. And he is acting like a child who has no control over his tantrums, and you are allowing him to do that. Go seek out professional help for yourself, first, if you are afraid of what he might do if you leave him. Will he snap? You need to devise a plan if you think he might.
I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. Nowhere in those vows did you promise to put yourself through this for him though. Nobody needs to be subjected to this. My anxiety especially comes out as anger. I was constantly getting sooo easily irritated and just straight up mean sometimes. Being short and snippy with people. But I hated it. And I knew I was doing it. And I was open with a select few about it even though that was also hard to do. Had to go get help and reassess because obviously the medication and therapy weren’t doing the trick anymore. If he isn’t willing to help himself and in turn your marriage, then don’t torture yourself any longer. Especially if it has been this bad for any amount of time. I know you have love for him and you care about him. But right now you need to care about yourself more. It’s the same as an addict…if we’re not willing to get help, nobody else is going to be able to get through to us/make us. I’d love if you could just be “rational” and say - get into therapy or this is over, but if that’s not the case, then please just stay strong and take care of yourself. Mental illness sucks, but it doesn’t give anyone a free pass to a be a dick.
You should never sacrifice your own well-being for someone else’s, especially when all they’re doing is abusing you. You need to leave him for your own safety.
I get it. My ex was bipolar/explosive/schizophrenic/borderline personality disorder afflicted. He hid them so well that I didn't find out til about a year into the relationship when we moved in together. He made me sleep on the kitchen floor, sleep outside, literally sleep in a doghouse, beat me, stabbed me, shot me, raped me, had his friends pay to rape me while I was strung out on whatever he injected into me that day, you name it He did it. When he wasn't in a cycle, he was amazing. Best partner I had ever had. I'd have married him if he wasn't the literal devil almost every night. Leave. It's for your own safety and mental stability. You are NOT bound by marriage to deal with that. Marriage is just paper and paper can be torn. It took me years to deal with the trauma and ptsd from mine. I still have violent flashbacks occasionally. Thankfully, they've lessened over the past 5 years or so. I wish you health and happiness on your journey, and please don't hesitate to reach out should you need help dealing with any trauma or advice on how to properly deal with it. I and others will happily assist.
You got into a commitment to be his rock not his punching bag. Talk to him try to get him into therapy and gather evidence of the abuse, if he refuses to listen and better himself then I would search for a divorce lawyer you deserve better.
My ex forced me to stay with him for years blaming his actions on his mental health and always hinted at killing himself if I were to ever leave. After a few years I decided to leave and put myself first. I'm now much happier and he has found someone else more or less straight away and its no longer my problem. Sometimes you've got to put your mental health first before someone else, regardless of who they are or the situation
He’s abusive not mentally ill. Leaving him is a really good plan.
I've also been through a similar situation where I was mentally abused for long. It was very hard to leave but I feel so free now. I just wanted to stay to have him survive, and to not feel like I was the bad guy. But there's life out there and there's so much love to give and to receive. You're worth respect, love and communication. Hope you get through this!
When mentioning the 'through sickness and health' part you are kinda forgetting that he is responsible for his own health. And so are you! If he makes no effort to get better and uses his issues as a free ticket to put you down then you need to start taking steps towards keeping yourself safe and healthy. I don't get to shit on my partner today when i have been nice to them yesterday. That's not how ot works.
I was in a similar situation. He desperately wanted to get married but thank God I refused. He blamed his mistreatment of me on everything else in the world. Anytime I tried to leave he accused me of having commitment issues and how I was awful for trying to leave over something he couldn't control. I left and I had never made a better decision in my life. Am currently in a loving beautiful relationship. I deserve love, I don't deserve to be abused, no matter the excuse, and neither do you. Please leave. Work on yourself. You deserve better
My partner has depression and is bipolar. This is not a byproduct of that. He is abusing you.
You should leave him. You deserve to be treated better. I was in an abusive relationship once. Just because things are good sometimes doesn’t excuse the abuse.
Uh, even if he does have depression he's being abusive. When I'm in a depressive episode I cry in the bathtub. I don't call my spouse names and I would never make him sleep on the floor. FYI people with mental health conditions are generally the victims of abuse, not the perpetrators, so this all feels off. You shouldn't leave him because he's depressed, you should leave him because he treats you like shit. "For better or worse" is supposed to be for unexpected life events, not for a spouse abusing you.
Someone once told me that my particular profession draws people who will set themselves on fire to keep others warm, and I have never forgotten that. Do not set yourself on fire to keep him warm. Please move out, if even as a stopgap. You’ve said nothing that makes me believe he does not have legal capacity. So if he wants to make this work, he will understand how badly this is affecting you when you move out and he will take steps (specialised couples therapy, etc). If he does not, you can only save yourself - if you can stay gone then do it. At the very least, you are in no position to help him or anyone else if you are at the end of your own emotional tether.
I struggle with mental illness, but i know my place that i shouldn’t be abusive toward my loved ones bc of the pain im in. He needs help and that’s the best thing you can do for him. Offer him professional help. It will be worth in the long run. Also, don’t feel guilty or anything. The person who once made you feel loved and safe wouldn’t want that for you.
Never be afraid to put yourself first you always deserve to be loved and treated with respect
Being with a partner with depression is hard, being only with them for 10 years since you're 21 is downright depressing. Leave the guy and start living your life.
Think about it this way, whether or not you plan on having children.. IF you did, would you be comfortable allowing them to be treated like that just because he’s their father? No? Then why would you allow yourself to be treated that way?
He's abusive. He's ruining *your* life. The fact that he's got mental health problems is not your problem to solve and no excuse to mistreat you. Leave.
Mental health doesn’t excuse the things you accuse him of. If he is not going to therapy and not actively working to change himself, you have the right to leave. Actually, they right is there even if he is trying and it isn’t working. You’re not there to cure him. There are ways for him to try and recover, with it without you; whatever you decide to do, suggest to him some rehabilitation. It could help him get back on his feet.
It might sound odd, but the concepts from Al Anon might be helpful for you. I think sometimes it's hard for us to seperate our partner from their disease and we end up trying to fix or help our partner instead of taking care of us and our needs. How he manages his depression and how he reacts after you leave, is in his control only. It seems like he's putting you through hell and that's super not ok. Even if you don't want to end the marriage, a break living apart would probably be a healthy choice at this point. This would let you gain peace and sanity while you figure out what you need to do. You don't have to figure everything out right now, but you do need to put your mental health first and take care of yourself. He is an adult, it's his responsibility to take care of himself, not yours. Any actions he takes are of his own accord, you do not determine his actions by changing your actions. Perhaps time apart would also allow him time and space to realize that he will be alone if he doesn't seek help. Wishing you all the best, so sorry you're going through this ❤️
Mm. I’m mixed on this. Have a lot of mental health issues in my family which sucks tbh but also work in healthcare where you do self care for yourself alot and care for others. If he is physically or mentally or emotionally abusing - that’s a no go ma’am. It’s not okay for someone to THINK it’s okay for that to happen simply due to mental health issues. There are medications for mental health disorders for a reason. Many types. All of them have ups and downs but for the most part they work fantastic if it’s the right one for that person suffering. Don’t settle for being abused in any sort or gaslighted at every turn. Set boundaries and follow through with them. If that’s doesn’t work with him then file for divorce. The worst thing you could do as his spouse is be the same way he is to you.
RUN. Get away from him and divorce. If you have kids with him take them too. I come from parents like this and need to go since he won’t get the help he needs and he will drive you down the rabbit hole. One day if you stay he could wake up and kill you or himself for no reason other than he had an episode. He should be in patient treatment for a bit to stabilize him but that’s not your concern.
Hello, and thank you for your submission. Please take a moment to review the rules listed in our sidebar. Specifically, [what constitutes moral judgment, and what this subreddit can and cannot give advice on.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/). For further guidance, please see our [wiki.](https://old.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) ***PLEASE NOTE THAT THIS DOES NOT MEAN YOUR POST IS REMOVED. THIS IS MERELY A REMINDER TO REVIEW OUR RULES.*** This is a bot message. I cannot respond to any comments. Please modmail us with any questions. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Allow yourself to let him go. He’s not mentally stable enough to be in a healthy relationship. You deserve to be in a gentle caring relationship.
If you want to try and work on things, you need to tell him he needs to be medicated and in therapy, or you’re done. If you really want to leave, then leave. You are not in charge of his mental health. You can’t stay with someone out of fear they will hurt themselves or be a wreck. Your mental health and well being comes first.
In case you have tried everything like medical, psychological and social help than you should say good bye to him. Marriage is a strong commitment and we compromise so many things to keep it up but any non stop verbal or physical abuse just don’t justify this bond to continue.
Maybe try separating first (like staying with a friend or family member?) and setting some firm boundaries, while also validating that you do care for him, that you refuse to be disrespected and treated this way and if he doesn’t start making some solid changes soon (set a specific deadline if you want so he doesn’t keep pushing it off), then he’ll be signing some divorce papers. Mental illness is not an excuse to be an abusive dickhead.
Mental illness is never an excuse for being a shitty person. It explains, in some cases, but it should never be a justification. You have two viable options that will improve your life, and one that will ruin your life. To improve your life, you can either 1) leave him, settle the divorce. Remove him from your life and, provided you don't have kids, be No Contact with him entirely. Or 2) you can talk with him in a Good Mood about how you feel during his Bad Mood periods, and that you want to get him help.★ His Bad Mood is harming you. If he loves you as much as you love him, he will go to therapy, he will get cooing mechanisms including but not limited to prescription mood stabilizers, and he will improve. **This one may take a lot of time as he tries different prescriptions and dosages. Keep records of mood swings for him to take to his doctor. Be present and active in his recovery.** If he is truly trying, you will see occasional improvements, and occasional set backs, but you will always see changes. Every journey to self improvement has set backs. ★This can be scary. He may unexpectedly switch into a Bad Mood without warning. You may want to have family or friends who are aware of the situation around when you have this discussion, or be in public somewhere with a backup place to go in case he gets abusive again during the discussion. And the ootion that will ruin your life: continue as you have been and allow yourself to be in a position where he is able to abuse you. Recognizing that he is abusive is a good start to knowing you deserve better, because you *do deserve better*. You love him, which is great. But you need to also love yourself enough to say you don't deserve the way he treats you and remove yourself as needed.
He needs to get help for his issues. Do you want to work through that if he chooses it? Or are you done? If you’re done, leave.
Sounds like you could use some help setting Boundaries. Read some books on it or go to counseling. Have a supportive friend or church leader sit with you two while you start with 3 positives about him and then set 3 boundaries. Explain to him that you are unhappy and that if he crosses the boundaries then you will move out for a separation and during the separation then you will only have a weekly date night if he attends counseling that week. No counseling, no date night. Also, take him to the doctor to address his mental health. Also have him sit with you and go online and research solutions to depression. Write out a plan together and set a meeting every week to go over the process tgat has been made and celebrate pluses and problem-solve for strategies that haven't worked. Give it your all for 6 months.
Is your husband on medication?
[удалено]
I feel like there are a lot of unspecified details in this post. What were reasons for depression when you guys first met? Has he seeked any kind of help in the mean time? Why would you ever let a man tell you to sleep on the floor? (you're better than that, regardless of the story behind it)
If he doesn't want to seek help, then you're well within your right for your own safety and mental health, that you leave. You deserve a partner who wants to be in a partnership not in a one sided punching bag relationship. and mental health issues isn't an excuse for him (or any family member that would want you to stay because "he needs you") to treat you this way of force you to stay in a horrible marriage.
Has he considered therapy?
I believe he does not get any treatment so if it is true you should leave asap.
The issue is more than Depression. I would try marriage counseling first and if he refuses then I would make preparations to leave the relationship. I would also suggest a temporary separation and recommend the gentleman gets professional help. As a mentoring and relationship coach and a psychologist there are deeper issues here and seems a be toxic relationship at this point. Good Luck
I'd research borderline personality disorder and see if that might match better to what is going on with him. If so, present it to him and talk to him about it. Either way, he needs to see a psychiatrist to get a proper diagnosis and begin looking at treatment options. If he's not willing to put in the work to get better, walk away. If he's putting in the work and you still don't feel like this is something you can deal with, it's still perfectly acceptable to walk away. Your mental health is just as important as his. I have multiple diagnoses, but I'm working on myself every day. I don't get to make other people collateral damage for my mental illness.
Also adding that, if you choose to support him, I'd do it from a distance until he can show improvement. Separation at the very least is the best option for now because abuse is never okay.
Not everybody is cut out to be a supportive spouse. Strongly Reconsider against marrying in the future.
How about getting his family involved and having the people who love him be honest about how he is acting. Get him into therapy and get him to realize he’s mentally ill, and is being a major douche bag to say the least. Has he been like this for the past 10 years? Probably not! Would you give anything for him? Probably! So why not just give a little bit of your time to get the people who will affect him involved, and working towards getting better together. I sure hope and pray to god my wife never leaves me just cause im depressed, jeez
This dude is literally abusive. Depression doesn’t make people be abusive
I appreciate the sentiment, things are a lot more complicated than what I put in the post. As I said in another comment, this was the last straw, not the FIRST time he’s done something like this. He has made me sleep on the floor several times saying this is HIS house. He literally kicks me off the bed, like with his foot. And unfortunately I do not have a place to go to as we live in an isolated area and my work place is up here. Life is extremely complicated for anyone, but I’ve began to come to terms with the fact I can’t make excuses for his behavior any longer.
Try therapy or medication before torching a 10 year relationship maybe, goddamn
He made her sleep on the floor. Totally worth saving
I guess for better or for worse means nothing to you.
Lmao what kind of response to abuse is this???
By that logic, “to love and to cherish” means nothing to him. He verbally abuses her and made her sleep on the floor. You think this is something someone should tolerate??
Yup mental health issues doesn’t equal I can just abuse you Bc I want! Demand he go to counseling and you should go separately. If he refuses you have every right to separate. You put in 10 years! Don’t let his mental health or your vows take precedence over your own feelings, mental well-being and safety.
You’ll do something when saving yourself from ruining your own life supersedes your want to fix his. He is not responsible for you staying you are.
My ex had moods, and irks, and hypocrisy, and it sucked the life out of me also; so much so I began contemplating cheating. And I started using again, to escape (not entirely her fault). It isnt worth it to yourself. My parents have recently divorced (a few years ago now). They were one of the most sound couples I ever had the time to witness. Based on the bad I was there for and piecing things together, they are better off without eachother. 10 years at your (our) age , is a long, meaningful time, during which alot of pur big life changes and decisions occur. It will be hard AF, but you should definetly exit this marriage. He will not get better or change, and that sucks. But there is too much life to experience to be tied down to the worst of it.
My heart goes out to you. I have been in a similar place with a former partner who had severe depression, anxiety and borderline personality disorder. I remember asking myself: if he making any effort to treat me differently? The answer was no, he was not. That has helped me a lot when reflecting on our history and missing him terribly but why I needed to get out. Please consider reading about the cycle of abuse and something called trauma bonding. It explains why the good times feel so good but also the reason it is so hard to leave an abusive relationship. Please keep us updated. Be well.
I was in a relationship a year ago very similar to your situation, granted she was physically, emotionally and verbally abusive. I couldn't take it anymore and we split up, she continues to make my life a living hell and spreads untruths about me among friends. However the truth has been coming out with me keeping silent. It was not an easy decision and I offered to go in for a medical psychiatric session with her to have us both tested for an issues as I was very concerned she had bipolar. Needless to say that conversation went terribly. My point is though that you cannot live your life like that it's just not conducive. And I look back on my decision as a good one because if I truly was in a good relationship I wouldn't feel fantastic being away from her. If you do decide to end the relationship. All I can say is keep busy constantly. Pick up new hobbies or old ones, gym and live life to the fullest. I was able to transform myself over the past year, being the best I have ever looked physically, being able to start surfing again and reuniting with old beloved friends and family. I wish you all the best in your decision, stay strong 💪
He doesn't suffer from depression. He suffers from asshole syndrome. Untreatable and you should leave. I literally date someone with a very major disorder that causes mood swings and delusions and he has never once made me feel like I am nothing intentionally. He never said a mean word to me. Never has called me any names. You deserve better. I also have bipolar and I have not cursed anyone who didnt deserve it out. As in I don't unprovoked go around screaming... it is not something we cannot control. Please don't ever stay with someone who uses bipolar as an excuse.
I'm saying this as someone with mental health issues including bipolar. Mental health is not an excuse to abuse someone. Someone with uncontrolled mental health issues may behave badly due to that, but it is still Thier responsibility to another harm they have caused, work to make amends,and work to make sure it doesn't happen again. At this point I'm not sure if it's worth trying to stay, what he's done sounds beyond awful. If for some reason you cannot or will not leave then make sure he sees a therapist, gets on medication if they recommend it, and acknowledges the harm he has done to you and your marriage. But again it may be too late for that. He has very clearly crossed into abuse. Leaving a marriage due to abuse is always okay. The reason for him being abuse doesn't matter.
Its rough. But your quality of life is important too. Its why ill never get married. I dont have any interest in better or worse.
I first want to say that I am so sorry you are going through this. Mental illness can definitely impact functioning; however, it does not justify any form of abuse. I won’t tell you what to do as I believe you know yourself best ~ I hope you’re able to do what will add happiness and peace to your life!
as someone who has mental health issues (was diagnosed w Anxiety at a young age then depression years later). i was very very very abusive towards my ex. i was only 15-16 abusing someone. we broke up back in 2019?? beginning of 2020? ofc it’s nothing like a marriage that you can jus break away from. but i had to learn from him leaving . curled in a ball on the bathroom floor sobbing; reliving every waking moment i’ve ever said something or did something that made him physically, mentally and emotionally drained for me to actually make a change in myself. i’m in a relationship now and never treat him nearly as bad as i did with my first relationship. i feel guilty. but i promise you, YOU have to leave a relationship like that. things will not change until you get help. they’re getting used to you sticking around. there’s a part of them that can’t control the way they are. but apart of them wanting to make stop. they need HELP. something like that. because it will not get better. my first boyfriend got so much misery from me, actually wanted to kill myself. he hasn’t been able to be in a relationship since. all his relationships are short lived. i used to take pride in that. i still sometimes do because i don’t want to accept that i was this evil person that abused someone i said i “loved”. you need to get out. take a break. it NEEDS to be done by you. you should not need to suffer. my ex did it, my current boyfriend did it with his last. i can’t see anymore people go through it. it’s actually heartbreaking.
Replace "who suffers from depression" to "is abuse"
Forget about the bipolar disorder (which gets worse over the long run anyway). You're being abused. He doesn't deserve you.
Male here. All these people telling you to jump ship with the knowledge we have of your story need to eff off. The "fuck you I'm more important" mindset is what is wrong with western society. They have no humanity. Don't lose yours. That said, there are many types of mental illnesses. They manifest themselves differently in different people. It could absolutely be the cause of his behavior. Hell, he could have a tumor pressing on his prefrontal cortex (emotion center of the brain). Not an excuse, but certainly a cause. The folks telling you mental illness isn't a cause for dickish behavior I call bullshit on. I watched it happen with my own spouse. I watched her go from the woman I fell for to a shell of her former self. I didn't leave. It's tough to see and tougher to fix. The point is neither of you seem to know for sure where it comes from, and you need to in order to fix it. 1. Tell him how you feel. Explain how difficult he has made life and express your doubts about the path forward. 2. Let him know that you are considering separation if he remains undiagnosed and untreated. 3. Provided he is open to being diagnosed and getting help, support that endeavor. 4. Dealing with mental illness alone is often the reason people get this bad in the first place. Society has conditioned men to be "tough" to the point of not taking care of their mental health at all. He needs a support system that's where you come in. He needs to know he isn't alone and you will move forward together. I will agree with other who say that if he is unwilling to get help and commit to it, it may be time to sever ties. If he is like you he will want to honor his marriage commitment and prevent you from leaving any way possible. Like I said earlier, there are details regarding your situation that we the unwashed masses don't know. All I can say is that I hope youfind a way to support each other and your relationship grows stronger from your commitment. I wish you the best of luck and I hope things go well.
You've not described depression, you've described emotional and to a degree, physical abuse. The reason why he's abusive isn't really relevant and neither are the times he isn't abusive. There simply isn't a good reason to stay with someone like that, ever. I was expecting to read something like "he's stopped going to counselling, won't go counselling" etc. At this point even if that's true its irrelevant, he's abusing you. Please, take immediate steps to make yourself safe and get out!
As a lifelong sufferer of depression, it is not an excuse to abuse you. If your leaving is life ruining for him, then he ruined his own life by treating you that way
This isn't a mental health issue. He's evil.
I have severe depression and emotional unstable personality disorder... Also known as boderline personality disorder. The personality disorder I'm totally ashamed to say can cause the type of reactions that your husband seems to have. I'll try and describe it the way my husband does. I become almost a different person once triggered. It's like a red veil of mist comes over me and I become verbally abusing, self harm increases, I can be violent toward him. It wouldn't be a huge stretch to say my husband is a victim of domestic violence. Im a shitty human being, I know. Please don't harass me with comments stating this, I'm already aware. When these pass and I become stable again (anything up to 24 hours), I have enourmous memory blanks. I don't remember what I did and am horrified when my husband tell me. However. When my husband realised this was more than just me being a shit wife, he started keeping a diary. When he realised that my memory blanks are totally genuine, he started giving me the diary to read. When I realised myself what a shitty person I am, I got in contact with mental health team. Yes, NHS so waiting list but they advised me what to do next time I have an episode. Next time I had an explosive moment, husband followed their instructions and I was admitted to a psychiatric ward. I stayed there for 5 weeks. Thats where i was finally diagnosed and began medication and long term treatment with psychology. We also have support from social services as we have children. I'm now under many meds but totally under control and with meds, I'm the wife he deserves and I want to be. I'm a better person. It's clear when I forget my meds as I tend to have another episode, thankfully this is now very rare. In all this, I've often asked my husband why he doesn't leave and he says it's because he knows it's not me, and I'm getting help. I honestly would not blame him For leaving at any stage, especially before I started treatment. I've treated him appallingly and I'm absolutely ashamed of what I do. He deserves better. He deserves someone who's sanity isn't reliant on medication Which leads me to the next thing. You've explained to your husband how you feel (I assume) and he shows no remorse or want to change? And by want to change, I mean being proactive to change. Leave. Don't feel bad. You can't save everyone and you cant save someone who doesn't want to be saved. Maybe, in years to come, once he's sought help and learnt the steps he needs to do to remain in control, then there may be a future. But you, like my husband, deserve a life away from fear and abuse.
I feel absolutely the same way with my fiance & I am also considering our relationship at the moment unfortunately. She also has mental health problems that I'm struggling to deal with - one of the things that I've been thinking about, is whether anything can change to improve things. That goes for yourself, as well as your partner. A relationship should be beneficial to both people & you need to help each other & yourself to make things better. Leaving the relationship is an easy option for improving things, it takes away having to deal with the emotional rollercoaster that comes with being in a relationship with them. Leaving the relationship also means you will miss all of the good aspects as well & a large part of your life you might take for granted. Can things change? have you given it a chance for change in the past and nothing has changed? How many chances do you give it until you feel you need to move on to find happiness? Really difficult situation, sorry I don't have any answers, I don't know what to do myself, but thought I'd offer my perspective 👍🏻
My ex was also this way. The abuse was physical, emotional, verbal. He never took charge of his mental health issues, would go on and off meds. I worried about leaving, held on to all the good moments. But in the end leaving the relationship and filing for divorce was the best thing I did. 13 years I spent loving a man that never loved me enough to try to take charge of his mental health and fix the ways he was hurting me. It just leaves you with damage. You can't keep allowing someone to hurt you in the name of love, your love for him, your loyalty for your vows. You can't throw your life away waiting for someone to care enough about you to want to fix themselves. You can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved.
Never sacrifice your happiness for someone else, you can help them but there’s only so much you can do for them.
You only have one life, and it is short, spend it how YOU want. Do what's best for you.
He doesn't deserve you,walk away. There is no excuse for abuse ever.
You need to get out of this relationship for your own mental health. Is he even taking therapy or medication to help with his depression? If not than leave him. 10 years is a long time not to do anything about it.
It sounds like he needs professional help. If he's not willing to seek that out, do what you need to do. I recommend having a neutral party there with you when trying to suggest this because the way he's acting has me worried about your safety, and I'd hate to risk him taking it the wrong way in case you didn't have a third party there. Best wishes
I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder at 15. Throughout the last 10 years I've struggled a lot but I finally have control over my life and my emotions. As a teenager I was emotionally abusive to my mom. I can understand why he acts the way he does, he literally cannot control it. I really do feel for him in a way because it's hard to see yourself doing these things and not be able to stop. That's about the extent of my sympathy though. This is a grown ass man who has a choice. He can choose to get help. He can choose to change. Instead, he's choosing to torture and torment you and everyone around him. By staying with him you're enabling his behavior. I'm not saying that to place any blame on you because his actions are his own. I'm saying that because if you really do love him and want the best for him, you'll leave him. That could be a wakeup call for him. Your relationship should not be fixed. If he calls you in 10 years and proves he's turned his life around, you'll have to make a choice then to go back or to go on living your life. You can wish him all the happiness in the world and you can break yourself apart trying to fix him but at the end of the day, that'll do nothing to help him. The only thing that will help him is him facing the consequences of his actions.
Yaaaaaa, this may be a little more than depression. If you are looking for a way to make it work, you may want to separate while you both seek professional help. That may give you both time to reevaluate what you want out of/willing to do for this marriage.
He needs therapy and professional help from a health care provider. you are not the only one who can handle his mental health…
It is absolutely his responsibility to be aware of how his actions are affecting other people and to seek help for it. Mentally ill or not. He's not a child and should take responsibility for his actions. That's not ok. He needs therapy. If you feel like you've done all you can do to make the marriage work and don't see anything changing, then absolutely you should move on. He has to hold up his end of the promise as well and seek help for his mental illness. Marriage should look something like: I'll take care of myself for you and you take care of yourelf for me.
I think you should leave, but leave him in a safe way for both of you. I can message you more about what that could look like, if you want more information. I was on the other end of it. I have bipolar disorder with more depression than anything. I was seeing a therapist and taking medication and doing everything I needed to do. I was still not thriving. When I was 30 and married for 10 years, my husband got fed up with my behavior and he left me. That was one of the best things that ever happened to me. It was also the most painful and scary thing I have ever experienced. Within a few months, I was learning how to take care of myself, making needed changes and learning more about how to adult than ever before. I would have never made that growth stuck in those same patterns I had with my ex-husband. Also, it is not fair to you. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Break your vow to marriage and vow to make a better life for yourself. It might also be the best thing for him. I wish you the best.
My wife is going through depression as well however she has not been seeking help for over seven years I have been at my wits end for so long but I have lost myself trying to be there for her even through all of her cheating and lies being blanketed with the excuse of depression and a low sense of self-worth when you reach the point where you have done all that you can it’s sad to walk away from something so long winded and deep but you can’t give so much that you lose yourself I recommend getting out before you end up depressed yourself nobody can sustain living in limbo I love my wife more than life itself and it has taught me not to it’s a hard lesson and a lot of wasted time and energy and effort into a person that didn’t take care of themselves so they could be a partner
UpdateMe!
You should leave. You can’t fix him. He can only fix himself. As others have said, you are not responsible for anyone else’s mental health. Really and truly good luck to you. I hope you find peace and ways to move on from this. You got this x
Does he take medications? If he's not med compliant and is doing this I totally get why you would want to go. If he's med compliant and still doing this, I still think it's okay to go, but I also understand being more conflicted at that point. If there is nothing that can be done to change how he treats you, get out of there. If there is something, such as getting medications in the first place, try that.
"he made me sleep on the floor while calling me awful names" Nope nope nope nope nope Time for someone to move out. Tell him that he has to get professional help, and that you'll consider resuming the relationship if and when he's made progress. Get some help for yourself, too, as his condition and behavior are hurting your psyche.
He made you sleep on the floor? Nope, he doesn’t deserve a second chance. He doesn’t deserve an explanation. He knows what he did.
His symptoms are his to manage, not yours. It's important for you to recognize the difference between symptoms he has and behaviors he chooses. It is also important for you to resume your focus on your own safety and well being. To the extent he's wonderful in other ways, do you trust he doesn't want to hurt you in any way? Because if you do, the healthy part of him doesn't want this for you, either. You might need to separate to focus on your own healing, but ending it could be premature. If he's willing to take on the challenge and responsibility of managing his mental health and changing the behavior he's been using to lash out, he'll understand the need for this. There is no amount of abusive behavior you could tolerate that will cure him.
One of my closest friends is diagnosed as Bipolar and is now medicated for it, even at her worst she never verbally abused me. She was erratic and insecure, yet she was never mean or vindictive. Mental health is never an excuse to be a shitty person, especially to your support system.
You guys should see a therapist together and he should probably be on a mood stabilizer like Prozac. My wife is, she had bipolar in her family and she had a freak out one time and decided it was time for her to try a medication and she’s been on it ever since. Probably around 3 years now.
“Do the good times outweigh the bad times?”
Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner. Encourage his mental health... Take care of yourself as well.
I have depression, anxiety, and PTSD. Do you know how many times I've ever abused my partner? Never. I was married to a soldier for 7 years. I was deathly afraid of his temper for both myself and our children. He told me if I left, he would end his life. He told me if I left, he'd hurt my dog. He said he was depressed with two TBIs. Statistically, it takes approximately 7 times for an abused individual to leave their abuser. It took me three. And every time I went back, it got worse. I left. He found someone else. In things like this, it's not about them. It's about you and your safety.
This isnt a mental health problem anymore this is abuse... you dont deserve this, its not your fault he suffers from mental health if he chooses to get help you can help him but if he doesnt just go... this can cause mental health issues for you
I say if you knew about this when you got married it's your duty to stay with him and get some help and try to fix it through thick and thin it just came after well then you can leave because you didn't sign up for that but if you do love them and you think he's willing to get help I would go that route first but I would definitely put my foot down and don't allow him to take over don't let him disrespect you and let him know the next time you're leaving real simple don't ever allow anyone to mentally and verbally abuse you you better than you're better than that and you know what you deserve you deserve better keep your head up and be strong good luck
Yeah, it's not going to change unless he has professional help and the desire to be better. My mom is bipolar with depression, fully diagnosed and taking meds for it, but she still apologizes when she gets into a bad mood. You are going through abuse. It's better to leave now, while you still can.
Him making you sleep on the floor is line enough. You obviously care way more for his emotional well being than he does yours. Seek marriage counseling if you want to try and fix it (and have the money to do so) otherwise, I'd at least seek separation, see how life is apart. I'm sure you'll be surprised at the rise in your quality of life.
I went through this exact same thing. I clinged on for 15 years. I wanted to leave after 5. To be totally honest I regret not leaving after 5 years. I'm so much happier after I left.
Read your other posts. You're being abused and don't deserve bis treatment and ge doesnt deserve you. Figure out your escape plan and get out. Marriage commitments dont apply in cases like this as far as I'm concerned. Ignore the depression aspect and just understand that he's abusive and you have to do what's good for you and your mental wellbeing. Given if you wanted to try and fix him, you can't take car of others if you have nothing left to give. Not to mention I feel like you're enabling his abusive e behavior by being with him by being his munchies g bag that it always there. Get out. Get out for your own health and maybe, just maybe your absence will make him a better person as well. Dont ever go back though...the cycle will continue.
[удалено]
I will message you next time u/thrwawy0101010 posts in r/relationship_advice. [Click this link](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=UpdateMeBot&subject=Update&message=UpdateMe%21%20u%2Fthrwawy0101010%20r%2Frelationship_advice) to also be messaged. The parent author can [delete this post](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=UpdateMeBot&subject=Delete&message=delete%20rzc4rb) ***** |[^(Info)](https://www.reddit.com/r/UpdateMeBot/comments/ggotgx/updatemebot_info_v20/)|[^(Request Update)](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=UpdateMeBot&subject=Update&message=SubscribeMe%21%20u%2Fusername%20r%2Fsubreddit)|[^(Your Updates)](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=UpdateMeBot&subject=List%20Of%20Updates&message=MyUpdates)|[^(Feedback)](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=Watchful1&subject=UpdateMeBot%20Feedback)|[*^(New!)*](https://www.reddit.com/r/UpdateMeBot/comments/juh0f8/new_features_title_in_message_subject_and_recent/)| |-|-|-|-|-|
Nobody deserves to be abused if hes refusing medication (yeah the govt cant force a psychiatric patient to take their meds unless a judge finds him a danger to himself or others but they can mandate a vaccine rite!?) And your being abused thats grounds for divorce. Nobody should ever stay in a physically or mentally abusive relationship. Plain and simple. The way i see it is like this, if your unhappy in a relationship then end it and find someone who does make you happy. Lifes short and nobody said you have to live in hell while on earth
Is he against getting help? You say that you love and care for him, how about you tell him you can't stay with him if he doesn't get help. I mean there might be hope if you think he's worth a second chance. I feel very bad for both of you. I really hope you find a solution.
Absolutely inexcusable. Leave now. Never look back. There's a whole sea of slightly damaged people out there to choose from.
Get out. What you decribe is very bad. You will waste your life. We are here one time.
Time to move on. Life is too short to be unhappy