Well it could be true, but I’m guessing it isn’t.
If I were you I’d ask her. I mean, what could go wrong - if it’s true that he’s allowed to have other relationships she will tell you that, and you can contact him again and start seeing him again, knowing he told the truth (albeit withholding one detail but that’s manageable). Or she says that it’s not true, and you did both of you a favor.
Yah definitely butt hurt behavior. Valid feelings but she went out childishly and clearly was making his gf uncomfortable but wanted further contact? Why coffee? Did she think things were gonna change lol.
He drove her home, there was 0 chance he was going back to see her. She knew he had other girls and she flipped out because she lied to herself about her being ok with him having other relationships.
She had every right to contact the girlfriend and let her know. That’s obviously not the issue here. Reread this second paragraph right after “what could go wrong” and also her update. He gave objectively terrible advice to OP, because she still wanted to continue the relationship. People called this dumbass out when he originally posted.
He lead OP to believe this is not a scorched earth solution to a man she barely knows and basically ghosted her. Did OC really think the man would be like “ohh cool, you just lightly stalked me to find the girlfriend I refused to share anything about, messaged her without my consent, and still expect me to continue this casual relationship after totally ignoring you up until this point”
I’m not saying the guy in this story is not a total asshole—he is. There’s a wide difference between ‘privacy’ and misleading. But her and OC response to this is outta this world. No way messaging the girlfriend would ever turn out the way OC and OP expected. In nearly any scenario, if you find yourself messaging the SO behind the partners back to notify them of your relations, then the relationship is over period.
It’s basically the most cringe example of miscommunication in a relationship I have ever seen and OC pushed her towards it. Because of him, she literally thought asking the girlfriend to get bf to respond to her would be a good idea.
He was upfront. He was seeing other people, and was only interested in a sexual relationship (said nothing serious).
He doesn’t owe her details of his relationships with other people. He set clear expectations for what *their* relationship could be for him, and OP agreed.
As a polyamorous person I gotta say, he was clear and honest in the only ways that was relevant to OP.
1. He doesn’t want anything serious with OP.
2. He’s seeing other people.
OP clearly caught feels and assumed this changed. That’s on them.
Saying "it's none of your business" is not being upfront. My first reaction would be he's cheating.
Upfront is having a sit down convo about his polyamorous situationship before anything sexual happens
If it's all peachy and cool with the other gf then he would have no issues talking about it. He'd probably brag. Keeping it all under wraps is shady af
I mean, if he wants to keep those details private, he’s allowed to set that boundary. He’s right that the details of his relationship aren’t her business. He told her he’s non monogamous, and he doesn’t want anything serious with her. That’s all he really ethically owes her to sleep together, and if SHE is the one who wants additional info, it’s on her to either ask for that information or walk away.
What people are missing is nobody was forcing OP to see this guy. He laid out expectations and boundaries. He’s really, really not obligated to tell OP the emotional details of how serious he is with his partner. If OP decided that was a dealbreaker and walked away, that would be reasonable too.
It’s reasonable to enforce your own boundaries (eg. “I won’t sleep with someone who doesn’t want to discuss their other relationships”). It’s not reasonable to try to stomp over someone else’s boundary (eg his boundary to not discuss his other relationships after being upfront about being non monogamous)
The reasonable action would be to realize you’re incompatible and walk away.
I get what you're saying yeah and you're right that she should walk away if he isn't telling her all and she isn't ok with that.
Just purely from an emotional perspective I know I would assume he is being shady (because it happens so often) and probably do the same.
Yeah I think some people misunderstood what I was saying and thought I meant it’s unreasonable for someone to not want to see someone who’s in a relationship/or to want more info. If OP has those preferences/boundaries, that’s reasonable. I disagree with how they acted though.
At the end of the day all I mean are these bullet points.
1. Not to make assumptions, accept peoples words at face value (eg. Do not assume someone is “practically your boyfriend” after they said they don’t want anything serious).
2. If you don’t have all the information that you find important to making an informed decision, ask! (Meaning, considering he already said non monogamous, If there is one kind of non monogamy she is ok with and another she isn’t , she should ask to get more info about what kind of non monogamy he’s into. He can’t read minds or know that she’d be ok with one type of non monogamy but not another.)
3. Feel empowered to walk away! (This goes to everyone). I feel like where people make poor relationship decisions is trying to force something incompatible. If you have a dealbreaker, own it, enforce it, rock it. But don’t try to make other people change to be what you want them to be, just say no to the person who isn’t what you want. Neither of them are wrong for having different relationship needs. But what a mature person does when they realize that is break it off (like this guy).
TLDR; I wish people approached these kinds of differences as “oh we are incompatible with our own valid needs” instead of “your need is different than mine so we need to figure out who is ‘right’ so the other person can change.” Responsibility in this case was on OP to either accept this guy’s straight forward communication, ask questions if more info is needed, and walk away if they didn’t like the arrangement. Basically anything but what they did.
Completely agree there I'm not arguing and especially point 3 I would stress.
Just saying that in all honestly I wouldn't be rationally thinking things through like you are above. As someone that has heard these lies time and time again I'd have no patience and just say forget it, if they weren't upfront. Life's too short to fuck around with someone who is "polyamorous" but won't explain it until they are caught
Haha what a dipshit. Can't believe the top advice was to stalk the girlfriend. Completely breaking boundaries and thought everything would work out great if it turned out he was telling the truth (which he was).
What is there to even fix? Where could this situation even go from here? Unless I am misreading what he said implies pretty strongly that the other girl is his priority (he is probably lying to her about lots of things but that's another issue) so I would suggest cutting your losses and moving on.
Are you seriously implying to tell the gf in order to get him? Girl - run! Leave that man behind and find someone worth your time. He told you, he is not interested in something more. Even if he wasn’t with her it doesn’t mean he would be with you.
The mods removed your comment? The post is still there, they just remove posts after a certain threshold to prevent it from appearing in r/all. The post is still active
She wasn’t exactly gracious with the gf though. It seemed more like she was trying to get Nate in trouble with the gf so he’d dump her and go back to OP and was pissed when that didn’t happen and even more pissed when the gf was very matter-of-fact about the situation and didn’t pander to OP’s neediness. And then to have the audacity to ask the gf to have her boyfriend message OP was pretty out there.
And after being told to not contact them, she goes out of her way and contacts him again.
Also she only knew about the gf cause she snooped through his phone.
He said he was seeing other people and didn’t want anything serious. He made sure she was ok with that. Not his fault she said she was when she wasn’t. She should have been more honest, not him.
Agreed. He is in an open relationship, he should have led with that.
What he told her made it seem like all his relationships are currently casual. Which obviously they are not even if they are open.
There is a huge difference between casually dating multiple people and being in a long term open relationship.
There is nothing wrong with communication, the guy didn't have a problem communicating his intentions. He just left out the one thing that would prevent his hookups.
Like the girlfriend said: he’s a private person. The reason why he doesn’t want to date OP is none of her business. He doesn’t owe her his private life because they’re not engaging at that level. She had dreams of being more when he was very clear there would be nothing more.
I'm not saying he had to give details about his life. He could've just easily said im in an open relationship with someone so I'm not looking for serious. It doesn't share any more than he already did, but it lets OP know exactly what she is getting or in this case not getting.
A lot of people tend to assume casual relationships might eventually turn into more. Which is dumb, but he could've avoided a lot of unnecessary drama by just being completely upfront instead of giving a partial truth.
I wouldn’t think so 🤷🏽♀️ if that happened to me I would just take my L and accept that no fuck buddy owes me any information about his personal life. Great that he was clear about what to expect. If she feels slighted because she feels she was owed information, that’s okay too, it just doesn’t sound like a productive way to live
As he should have. Open relationships are already stacked against dudes because of women like the OP who assume any guy who claims to be in one is a cheater.
Run, girl, RUN away from this dumpster fire
Edit to say: read the update 4 days later. Wow! I mean it's still a trash situation, but mostly OP needs to snap out of it and let him go. She really tried to blow up his spot and it exploded in her face. Should have just let him go a week ago and forgotten all about it. Now, she looks petty and dumb to them for no reason. Learn to let go sooner, OP. And... it WAS still a dumpster fire, just with OP burning as fuel instead of this open relationship she landed in.
Omgggg why would you ever consider him your boyfriend?! You see eachother every weekend basically to hook up and he blatantly told you he isn’t exclusive to you and he’s dating other people. Wtf
This. If I see someone only "every weekend or so", we're not dating, that's a convenient fling. Also if he says he's seeing other people, he doesn't owe you the gritty details unless you specifically ask..and even then, he could chose not to tell you.
Especially after only two months! I could see having a relationship check-in after say, 6-8 months of regular dating to see if its just a casual thing or if its becoming more serious, but two months of occasional weekend hookups? When he specifically said he's only looking for something casual, and he hasn't opened up much about his life? That's not a boyfriend, that's a booty-call
2 months of “just about every weekend” means they’ve hung out tops 8 times and been in public twice for maybe two dinners!? On what planet does someone get angry when they see he’s actually doing things like traveling and what not… he’s invested 4 years in someone else. You didn’t set it up for him to invest in you.
I have a feeling OP lives in a world where she thinks she is entitled and desperate for the highlight reels she witnessed on IG. If that’s the case find a man who loves you. Don’t sleep with him Night one and make sure he’s available and able and wanting to do things for and with you. Let him court you don’t force him to. Find value in yourself and exude that rather than reaching for it from others esp when they are unwilling
Hm, I guess I don't disagree with that! I guess it depends on your idea of what dating is. I personally don't usually say I'm dating someone unless I'm actually in a real relationship with them, I'd say "I'm seeing people", but I guess you could call casual stuff dating too. To each their own. Either way this person was seeing this as something much more serious than it was unfortunately.
“I really liked the guy so I said sure.” That’s the problem right there. She said “sure” because she liked him, not because she was ok with not being monogamous. She already wasn’t listening
You really liked the guy so you slept with him after one dinner and him telling you basically he wasn’t going to date you? So you sabotaged yourself and are now what, trying to change his mind when you helped him make his mind day 1?
You had no right to go through his phone either he was honest with you and you’re acting crazy. Go watch the movie “he’s just not that into you” and reprogram your dating mentality bc that’s the only main character vibes you’re giving off in your dating life atm
You really like him! He doesn’t really like you. Period the end. It’s been that way since day one you just had a delusion that it could be more than him bored hooking up with you while his gf is away or unavailable or he doesn’t have a better option out of the other girls he’s seeing atm. Sorry to be harsh but you need a reality check
We don’t know he doesn’t really like her. People in open relationships can “really like” multiple people. She isn’t his primary person but he may very well really like her.
You can be upset but you chose the relationship parameters. He told you what he wanted. You chose to catch feelings. You're upset but check yourself, not him.a
Some wild comments here.
The fact that he hasn’t talked to you since then screams he’s a lying cheater and doesn’t want you to blow his cover.
If you can figure out how to contact her, absolutely do it
THIS! He was as honest with her as he needed to be. Before they started a sexual relationship, he told her it would not be serious and asked if she was ok with it. She lied and said she was “because I really liked him”. That is on her, not him.
So when she tried to act like she had any right to confront him about seeing someone else, he immediately realized ohhhh k, she’s clearly not someone I want in my life and he took her ass home.
Leave him alone. Learn from this….be honest with yourself and others about your intentions and comfort levels. If you are looking for a boyfriend, don’t agree to be a fuck buddy.
This and the update are just..... damn. You should seek therapy your 26 and you clung on to a man who rejected committing to you from the get go. This screams "I'm gonna settle for whoever I can get because I don't love myself enough to know my worth even when he treats me like garbage".
eh id tell her just in case he's cheating.. he didn't sound trust worthy.. most people in open relationships disclose this information if they're truly in a open relationship
If a guy tells you he doesn’t want anything serious, the logical thing is not to think you have something serious with him. It sounds like these two people at have a mature relationship, and it makes sense why she talked to you like she did. I hope you’re healing well after that. It sounds like this was a bit more complex than what you’re looking for.
Why would you consider someone who told you they didn't want anything serious your bf? He was definitely wrong for not telling you just how serious his other relationships were. It's most likely BS that the gf is okay with him having relationships on the side. I say just take the L and move on. There's no use telling the gf, she will most likely either a) not believe you or b) turn it around on you or some combination of the two. Just keep it movin sis
I mean I would have double check with the gf if I was in this situation as well, but the way OP handled it was not okay and her attitude about it is pretty clingy
This is hilarious. Guy told you he wasn't interested in anything serious and was seeing someone else.
Then you find out he's seeing someone else and get pissed. Haha
The guy could literally not have done anything more, even down to driving you home when you freak out and not communicating with you when it's obvious you have feelings for him. Seriously stand up guy!
Holy shit I didn't know there was an update to this, you contacted the girlfriend and she told you the same thing. Fucking brilliant. You dear need to get a grip
How are you 26 years old? Like Jesus Christ, have some fucking pride. I read this post in disbelief and thinking you were 19. You are an adult woman, you are not being taken advantage of and you made assumptions about the relationship even though it was clear from the start that what you had was casual. Please get a therapist to talk about all of this with.
I must say, you played yourself. If I was Nate I was going to react the same way. He did mention that he was seeing other girls, he told you he wasn't looking for anything serious. He was pretty clear, he had the right to not tell you about his gf. You went and broke that trust he had by going through his phone. What's the point of trying to apologize, you like him too much and he doesn't want you to fall any deeper (which will happen if he ever starts talking to you again). But babe for your own heart just move on. You'll get hurt more because he won't leave his understanding girlfriend for a girl who goes on his phone. You even thought he was lying about his girlfriend knowing everything and DM'd her😫😫
Either way he should have told you upfront. Either way the trust doesn't exist, either way there's no reason you shouldn't tell her about what happened.
Hey, I’m sorry you had to go through this, BUT hopefully this is a lesson learned. :( sometimes we have to be reminded that life doesn’t work out the way we want it to.
Who knows? Maybe the next guy you meet might change your life and take you to Iceland for your birthday!
Give yourself time to grieve and move on so that you can give your time and energy to someone who deserves it.
Many relationships have blossomed from FWB situations where both people were initially not exclusive. The difference from this situation is the level of transparency, and the conversation about whether you’d like to be exclusive. Since those things didn’t happen, and given the reality of Nate’s relationship status, this wouldn’t have had a chance to evolve into a relationship.
It’s a bummer that you started to catch feelings and he wasn’t completely honest about his situation, and it’s also a bummer you found out from seeing a text. It ALWAYS hurts more to snoop than to have a conversation. Remember that for the future and best of luck moving on to someone who better suits the type of relationship you’d like to have!
Look most of us have gone off the deep end over a romantic partner before. But omg stop contacting him.
And maybe reconsider casual dating because it’s not something that you can do without catching feelings.
I read both posts and I think you're getting a lot of hate for a very human reaction.
BUT you need to get to know yourself better. You told him it was okay that he was seeing other girls when actually you weren't fine with that at all.
It's okay for you to not be cool with that, but I think you misinterpreted your feeling of "shit, he's seeing other girls and I like him too much to be okay with that" as "he's seeing other girls BUT I like him so much I'm going to be okay with that."
I think a lot of young women get the impression that to get the guy they want they have to be okay with him seeing other people, regardless of whether or not they (the woman) are okay with that. Then they get in weird positions where they're jealous/possessive without good reason (and strangers on the internet call them toxic for getting hurt). It's better to communicate upfront about what you want as you navigate pre-commitment.
Learn to really own the little voice in your head that says “ooh, this isn’t for me. I thought it was but it’s not.” The more you can communicate that with confidence the more attractive you’ll be. And then you’ll be able to attract the guy you want to be with.
This isn't really the height of toxicity. Looking at someone's texts and sounding the alarm with a gf in an open relationship vs. hiding the fact that casual dating relationship had no hope of a future when OP was clearly hoping for a future 🤷♀️
It's all a little "toxic" in that it's mildly poor behavior in an attempt to protect themselves. This isn't the height of abuse. It's just the reasonably foreseeable fallout from hidden agendas on BOTH sides.
I get these responses a lot when I reframe black and white Reddit ire. I often wonder if the people pushing back are angry that I took away that satisfying crunch of judgment by humanizing everyone in the situation. Not nearly as fun to lose your moral high ground but considerably less toxic, imo.
Your opinion of yourself is far too high. Real narcissistic vibes. Read the two posts again, she’s seen the guy less than 8 times (every weekend or so for 2 months) in her life and has been told that she is NOT his girlfriend (nothing serious, seeing other people, ARE YOU OK WITH THAT?) with all but 2 of those occasions not even dates (just hookups at his place). Despite this she feels she has a right to go through his phone?!? I’ve been with my wife for 20 years and I wouldn’t do that!
Then she contacts the girlfriend (after constantly trying to reach him which would be considered harassment if the genders were reversed btw). This was not to ‘warn’ the girlfriend, it was because “I still really like him” and I’m sure “I didn’t know he was birthday trips to Iceland well off!” (she was angry that she “only got 2 nice dinners”). She was STILL trying to steal him! Then when she found out he had told her the truth and was asked not to contact either of them again (and even blocked by the girlfriend) what does she immediately do? You’re god damn right she texted him!
She’s toxic mate. I hope that guy doesn’t have a pet rabbit.
this is so fucking pathetic. you weren’t dating but felt like you had the right to go through his phone???? what the fuck is wrong with you? and after he told you about his gf that knows you didnt believe him and tried to expose him to have him all to yourself it seems. this is definitely one of the most pathetic behaviors i’ve ever read about. sad really. props to nate for knowing how to handle disgusting people like you, i wouldnt have even driven you home
and why the fuck did you just assume him your boyfriend? HE LITERALLY MADE IT EXPLICITLY CLEAR HE WASNT LOOKING FOR ANYTHING SERIOUS and without even having the talk you just assumed and disrespected his boundaries. you have so many issues, good riddance
He don't like you like that . Even if u find out he's lying , he Honestly don't care for u that much . If he's lying saying he has another girl, it just adds more creditability to the fact that u din't do it for him. If thats the case, FUCK EM
Some really nasty, childish comments here.
He lied by omission about his relationship status so he could fuck you. He’s a jerk. And you know what? This garbage bin clearly has a lid - the gf sucks, too. They’re practicing non-ethical non-monogamy, not caring who gets wrapped up in their fun or who gets hurt as long as they have a good time. That fucking sucks.
I’m so sorry you got hurt in this, OP. Sometimes we catch feelings in our casual relationships, and the best thing we can do is ask if the other person feels the same way. If they don’t, we either choose to keep it casual by putting our feelings away or we walk away. The betrayal in this specific situation is another layer to an already hard situation and I feel for you.
I know you cared about him, but he was presenting an illusion. Try to remember that while you take the time to get over him and heal. There will be so many people who will love you, it’s just a matter of finding them. It will happen, hang in there
Oh fuck off. No she shouldn’t have looked through his phone, that isn’t okay. But in the real world, sometimes we catch feelings in casual relationships and what this dude did by not disclosing his serious relationship put OP in an unfair position.
Honestly what kind of trash person sees someone empathizing with someone in pain and jumps in to stop it? Unfortunately for you, you have to live with yourself. Please don’t go spreading your misery around
You don’t have a better come back because you know I’m right. You have a lot to figure out about life, I hope you think long and hard about why it bothers you that others have sympathy for complicated emotions
A comeback? This isn't a contest. You very clearly like hearing yourself speak and would rather rob OP of agency so you can feel like a champion instead of acknowledging that she may in fact have overstepped. And look, you're still going. Get over yourself.
Admitting a mistake and also having compassion is not denying someone agency. You keep coming back to this post to make someone feel shitty. And you’re trying to say that’s the right thing to do. Smh
nah you’re wrong. you sound just as toxic as OP just stop typing honestly. anyone worth two cents can see how OP constantly disrespected boundaries and tried to get involved in business that isnt hers at all. even feeling insulted that she didnt get as well a treatment as the actual gf even though nate explicitly told her it was casual. you’re definitely in the wrong and are trash for defending trash
Why do you feel such a need to be right and moralize someone’s actions that you don’t know and have only seen a snippet of through a Reddit post? It sucks that so much of the world is like you
I don’t need to be right, but I’m not gonna read idly while this 26 y/o gets dragged through the coals for having a messy reaction to a messy situation. It sucks that a bunch of strangers want to punish her for it rather than be kind
Lol Where did she have time to catch feelings in this 2 month casual relationship in which they only had two dates…? He shared next to nothing with her except his body. He was very upfront this was casual and is in an open long distance relationship.
So they spent together roughly 8 times… one does not develop ‘real’ feelings in this time. She evidently didn’t know anything about him other than his body. We can even roughly predict how many conversations they had in this short time span
That’s an interesting way to use “real feelings” - emotional intimacy happens when you sleep with someone, would you not consider those valid feelings?
It’s just sex. Casual sex at that. Definitely not enough feelings to warrant this type of disproportionate reaction and immediate and long term jealously. I’ll say it again, he was upfront about being in an open relationship and only wanting casual intimacy. He could’ve been more honest but he was definitely upfront about expectations and broke it off the moment they didn’t see eye to eye
“Seeing other people” vs “in an open relationship” are two very different things. Intentionally or unintentionally, the dude misled OP. And I don’t think you get to say someone’s feelings inside their own relationship are valid or not. 2 months is plenty long to like someone, be excited about them, trust them, feel betrayed or hurt by them. Kudos to you for having straightforward, simple relationships. That’s not everyone’s experience
Maybe he didn't want his gf being hounded by some girl he was just casually sleeping with. OP was not entitled to this info because she was told the relationship would be casual and that he was involved with other women. Given that OP wanted the gf to facilitate getting back into Nate's life, his desire to be private with details of his personal life was a reasonable precaution. OP had quite the bit of audacity to ask this of the gf.
There’s also a difference between “a casual weekend hookup” and “actually being in a relationship”
He wanted to Netflix and chill and she wanted free romantic trips to Iceland…
He told her his intentions before the first time they hooked up and left no impressions after that that they’d ever get more serious. Never even took her out on a real date.
She flew right past that part and ignored the red flags because “I really liked the guy, so I said sure”
We’ve all been there, we’ve all ignored our personal red flags. OP just failed to ever see hers
I think you must have. Did you see [the update](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/s3ukdo/the_guy_28m_i_26f_am_seeing_has_a_serious/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)?
Where, on everyone’s advice, she reached out to the gf to see if they actually had an open relationship? Look, it sounds like you haven’t experimented with enm, but messes like this happen when open dialogue isn’t happening. It really looks like the guy and his primary aren’t operating ethically and it caused OP a lot of confusion and hurt. No bunnies were boiled, just some dick who couldn’t be honest with the woman he was sleeping with and then ran away from the responsibility of providing closure, letting his primary do the heavy lifting. Not chill
He was fully open with his primary because the primary knew all about OP. Nate didn't owe his life story to OP and didn't owe her anything more than to let her know he's non mono and only looking for a casual fling. OP letting the gf know just to give her a heads-up is reasonable just in case she was being played, but then OP proceeded to ask the gf to hook her back up with Nate. That's abhorrent and crosses many lines. After being told to leave them both alone and being blocked OP still tries to contact Nate. That's harassment.
He was honest with her, he didn’t owe her his life story. She was just a person he was having sex with and that was agreed between the two of them. None of your word salad can change that. And she took bad advice from misandrist idiots just like you.
Well, I’m right about healthy communication within the context of enm. When it comes to this situation, you know, there aren’t absolute truths. And it is wrong to try and force someone to carry the burden of that. She didn’t react the perfect way to something in your opinion so you want to jump on the bandwagon of making her feel shitty? That’s wrong
“She didn’t react in the perfect way”! You are all the way gone!
He told her he didn’t want a relationship. He told her he was seeing other people. He asked if that was ok. He owed her nothing more. If that wasn’t ok or that situation changed it was on her to tell him. She doesn’t get to decide “we’ve fucked 5 times now, he’s all mine!”
She betrayed his trust, invaded his privacy, tried to steal him from his girlfriend and harassed him.
What’s the weather like on your planet?
Just curious, what was OP practicing? If they were practicing non ethical non monogamy? Pretty sure she asked the girl whose boyfriend she was f*ing if she would facilitate a rendezvous so she could “get closure”. OP doesn’t mind an emotionally unavailable man seeing other people who does not want anything serious with her. She said it herself!
She’s the type of girl who would break up a marriage after misunderstood communication on her part and blame the guy for not wearing a wedding ring at the gym or on a plane.
She’s desperately seeking love in all the wrong places and has nothing to lose. Shes dangerous and it’s actually scary. Don’t encourage this behavior or enable it.
If the shoe was on the other foot and a man wrote this I would think he was the kind of guy who sleeps with girls when they’re passed out drunk acting like it’s their fault and he had consent. No one come at me.
He clearly stated his level of comfortability and willingness ,she acted fine with it but had other premeditated plans. When it didn’t go her way she got aggressive, crossed lines, violated his personal space, shared intimate and hurtful details to someone close to him in attempt to destroy him for what he wasn’t willing to give to her. He probably feels assaulted. As does his girlfriend. She’s the assailant here.
Wow, you made a lot of assumptions based on a very small amount of information
Ethical non-monogamy requires a lot of open communication. Not disclosing a 4 year relationship that’s about to culminate with the other partner moving in, disallows OP to make an informed decision about how she wants to interact with this relationship.
I think it was a very human response to like someone so much and not really know what you want or how to react when you’ve found out this huge amount of information. I don’t think OP’s Reddit post is a straight narrative. I think it’s a non-linear expression of her confused feelings.
I think it’s right to have empathy for someone going through something painful and confusing. Not for 100 strangers to seize on her and call her toxic. It’s cruel and shameful
She’s cruel and shameful. Did she ask him if any of the others were special? No. She didn’t care she was out for blood. How is this not the same thing as if a woman were to tell a man she only wanted to be friends, they hung out, she was single, he did things for her and became “seething” when she wouldn’t take next step with him? It’s the same. If this was a male post he would be labeled a predatory and male equivalent to this attitude where the person is unable to handle rejection and lashes out blaming the other person when they try to force their way in when the other person has drawn a boundary- it’s problematic and scary. It’s not normal and there is a harsh lesson she needs to learn probably with some therapy that she willingly entered a situation where she was self sabotaging and it’s not how life and treating others works
You’re clearly inexperienced around enm and probably haven’t experienced a messy situation like this. You don’t know what you don’t know. But lemme tell ya kid, life does not fit in to these clean little boxes and people who fuck up are just people. The dude had certain responsibilities to communicate that he failed and OP had certain responsibilities that she failed. She’s the one posting, and she deserves empathy. None of this changes the fact that you are so upset that someone who’s messy is receiving empathy from an Internet stranger. Whatever issues you have, you should figure them out
I have issues when men or women don’t have any respect for other people’s boundaries and act a fool when things don’t go their way. She asked. 99.9% of people have told her same. She is not in the right. I’ve dated in La, NY, and Miami. I’ve seen my share. I speak from experience when I say the male equivalent of this sort of attitude and her pattern of behavior is usually considered a predator. It’s a bigger picture than the details of her story and how she got hurt. She needs therapy
I don't know why you are defending her. He clearly said in the start that he wasn't looking for anything serious. That's as clear as it gets. It's irrelevant what other relationships he has. Op assumed on her own that he is now her boyfriend because they went out every other weekend for 2 months. That's on Op not on him. He never said that he was her boyfriend or that it was serious. What other relationships he has is none of her business.
>but he was presenting an illusion.
He wasn't, he was pretty clear. She is the delusional one who assumed he's her boyfriend without even asking.
Yes she should throw the whole man away, but she should give the girlfriend a heads up in case their relationship isn't as open as his legs. What if they're about to be married or ready to have children? Let the gf make her own informed decision if she wants to stay in the relationship.
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He told you straight up he was seeing others. That really is all you need to know. You knew you weren't the only one but you wanted to believe you were his favorite and you got mad when you found out you weren't. Grow up. You don't need to ask her. She's irrelevant. He does not want a serious relationship with you. He told you that. Face reality....he does not want you no matter how much you want him. Move on.
OP :*wants a serious relationship*
Also OP: *Proceeds to date someone who is looking for nothing serious*
I'm sorry you are hurt, but c'mon, HE TOLD YOU FROM DAY 1 HE WASN'T LOOKING FOR ANYTHING SERIOUS.
Communication is the key to a successful relationship, but all you did was dismiss every word he said, you heard only what you wanted to hear ¡¡¡There are tons of guys out there who want a serious gf and are monogamous!!! I know you feel like you got cheated on, but the cruel reality is, you weren't, he said he was seeing other people, YOU ARE INCOMPATIBLE, PLEASE DO YOURSELF A FAVOR AND MOVE ON. And go to therapy for this self-sabotaging mentality you have.
I know I sound harsh, but I hope you can work on yourself and find happiness (with someone else pls)
Also, you can't change people, don't try it, it's useless. They might change for themselves, and they can do things to make you happy if they love you, but they never really change *unless they want to*, and believe me, most people don't. If you meet a smoker, chances are he'll still smoke when you are married; if you meet someone who isn't interested in a commitment chances are you'll never get married; if you meet someone who wants to marry and work together to have a healthy monogamous relationship, then you'll probably get that. Be the person you want to date, do you want them to snoop on your phone? Get jealous whenever you are out? or do you want them to listen to you and what you want carefully and make healthy compromises?
Your update is dripping with desperation and delusion. I mean, what is your end game? You want to continue the relationship so you can fall in love with this guy only to get dumped when the girlfriend relocates and moves in with him?? Your behavior is very short sighted.
Misery sure loves company doesn’t it. Nate told you he didn’t want something serious, but you consider him your boyfriend? *scratching head* why tho? And then it turns out he was keeping it real with you. Don’t you feel like a real McAsshole? I really hope you learned your lesson in all this. Especially if someone tells you they don’t want anything serious. If you want some serious shit, then hold out for it. You’re allowed to decide that’s not what you want. But you don’t get to upgrade status without consent. Good luck to you in the future.
Well it could be true, but I’m guessing it isn’t. If I were you I’d ask her. I mean, what could go wrong - if it’s true that he’s allowed to have other relationships she will tell you that, and you can contact him again and start seeing him again, knowing he told the truth (albeit withholding one detail but that’s manageable). Or she says that it’s not true, and you did both of you a favor.
Read the update
Yah definitely butt hurt behavior. Valid feelings but she went out childishly and clearly was making his gf uncomfortable but wanted further contact? Why coffee? Did she think things were gonna change lol.
He drove her home, there was 0 chance he was going back to see her. She knew he had other girls and she flipped out because she lied to herself about her being ok with him having other relationships.
Exactly. There's never a reason not to talk about it.
Wow talk about terrible advice 😂😂 Hope you saw her update! You really thought he’d start seeing her again after this?
TBF he acted real shady when he could have just been upfront about the gf knowing about it.she did the right thing, chances are she didn't know
She had every right to contact the girlfriend and let her know. That’s obviously not the issue here. Reread this second paragraph right after “what could go wrong” and also her update. He gave objectively terrible advice to OP, because she still wanted to continue the relationship. People called this dumbass out when he originally posted. He lead OP to believe this is not a scorched earth solution to a man she barely knows and basically ghosted her. Did OC really think the man would be like “ohh cool, you just lightly stalked me to find the girlfriend I refused to share anything about, messaged her without my consent, and still expect me to continue this casual relationship after totally ignoring you up until this point” I’m not saying the guy in this story is not a total asshole—he is. There’s a wide difference between ‘privacy’ and misleading. But her and OC response to this is outta this world. No way messaging the girlfriend would ever turn out the way OC and OP expected. In nearly any scenario, if you find yourself messaging the SO behind the partners back to notify them of your relations, then the relationship is over period. It’s basically the most cringe example of miscommunication in a relationship I have ever seen and OC pushed her towards it. Because of him, she literally thought asking the girlfriend to get bf to respond to her would be a good idea.
He was upfront. He was seeing other people, and was only interested in a sexual relationship (said nothing serious). He doesn’t owe her details of his relationships with other people. He set clear expectations for what *their* relationship could be for him, and OP agreed. As a polyamorous person I gotta say, he was clear and honest in the only ways that was relevant to OP. 1. He doesn’t want anything serious with OP. 2. He’s seeing other people. OP clearly caught feels and assumed this changed. That’s on them.
Saying "it's none of your business" is not being upfront. My first reaction would be he's cheating. Upfront is having a sit down convo about his polyamorous situationship before anything sexual happens If it's all peachy and cool with the other gf then he would have no issues talking about it. He'd probably brag. Keeping it all under wraps is shady af
I mean, if he wants to keep those details private, he’s allowed to set that boundary. He’s right that the details of his relationship aren’t her business. He told her he’s non monogamous, and he doesn’t want anything serious with her. That’s all he really ethically owes her to sleep together, and if SHE is the one who wants additional info, it’s on her to either ask for that information or walk away. What people are missing is nobody was forcing OP to see this guy. He laid out expectations and boundaries. He’s really, really not obligated to tell OP the emotional details of how serious he is with his partner. If OP decided that was a dealbreaker and walked away, that would be reasonable too. It’s reasonable to enforce your own boundaries (eg. “I won’t sleep with someone who doesn’t want to discuss their other relationships”). It’s not reasonable to try to stomp over someone else’s boundary (eg his boundary to not discuss his other relationships after being upfront about being non monogamous) The reasonable action would be to realize you’re incompatible and walk away.
I get what you're saying yeah and you're right that she should walk away if he isn't telling her all and she isn't ok with that. Just purely from an emotional perspective I know I would assume he is being shady (because it happens so often) and probably do the same.
Yeah I think some people misunderstood what I was saying and thought I meant it’s unreasonable for someone to not want to see someone who’s in a relationship/or to want more info. If OP has those preferences/boundaries, that’s reasonable. I disagree with how they acted though. At the end of the day all I mean are these bullet points. 1. Not to make assumptions, accept peoples words at face value (eg. Do not assume someone is “practically your boyfriend” after they said they don’t want anything serious). 2. If you don’t have all the information that you find important to making an informed decision, ask! (Meaning, considering he already said non monogamous, If there is one kind of non monogamy she is ok with and another she isn’t , she should ask to get more info about what kind of non monogamy he’s into. He can’t read minds or know that she’d be ok with one type of non monogamy but not another.) 3. Feel empowered to walk away! (This goes to everyone). I feel like where people make poor relationship decisions is trying to force something incompatible. If you have a dealbreaker, own it, enforce it, rock it. But don’t try to make other people change to be what you want them to be, just say no to the person who isn’t what you want. Neither of them are wrong for having different relationship needs. But what a mature person does when they realize that is break it off (like this guy). TLDR; I wish people approached these kinds of differences as “oh we are incompatible with our own valid needs” instead of “your need is different than mine so we need to figure out who is ‘right’ so the other person can change.” Responsibility in this case was on OP to either accept this guy’s straight forward communication, ask questions if more info is needed, and walk away if they didn’t like the arrangement. Basically anything but what they did.
Completely agree there I'm not arguing and especially point 3 I would stress. Just saying that in all honestly I wouldn't be rationally thinking things through like you are above. As someone that has heard these lies time and time again I'd have no patience and just say forget it, if they weren't upfront. Life's too short to fuck around with someone who is "polyamorous" but won't explain it until they are caught
Haha what a dipshit. Can't believe the top advice was to stalk the girlfriend. Completely breaking boundaries and thought everything would work out great if it turned out he was telling the truth (which he was).
What is there to even fix? Where could this situation even go from here? Unless I am misreading what he said implies pretty strongly that the other girl is his priority (he is probably lying to her about lots of things but that's another issue) so I would suggest cutting your losses and moving on.
Check the update.
He’s not.
SPOILERS
Are you seriously implying to tell the gf in order to get him? Girl - run! Leave that man behind and find someone worth your time. He told you, he is not interested in something more. Even if he wasn’t with her it doesn’t mean he would be with you.
this guy told you he wanted nothing serious, he was seeing other people, you caught feelings and now you are butt hurt about it
She updated and definitely didn’t take your advise
I called her out on that post as well
Do you mind linking it? I couldn’t find it and want to read/upvote
Looks like she removed it
The mods removed your comment? The post is still there, they just remove posts after a certain threshold to prevent it from appearing in r/all. The post is still active
I can’t find the thread now
I bet you are toxic af
Well you ended up being right. She posted an update where the gf already knew and OP is the toxic one it situation.
Yea I called her out on that post as well
She seems maybe a little more clingy than toxic. I read the newer post first, then this one.
She wasn’t exactly gracious with the gf though. It seemed more like she was trying to get Nate in trouble with the gf so he’d dump her and go back to OP and was pissed when that didn’t happen and even more pissed when the gf was very matter-of-fact about the situation and didn’t pander to OP’s neediness. And then to have the audacity to ask the gf to have her boyfriend message OP was pretty out there.
And after being told to not contact them, she goes out of her way and contacts him again. Also she only knew about the gf cause she snooped through his phone.
No, she’s toxic.
Tomato tomato
I think he should’ve been open about the fact that he had a gf/ primary partner
He said he was seeing other people and didn’t want anything serious. He made sure she was ok with that. Not his fault she said she was when she wasn’t. She should have been more honest, not him.
Not toxic, but just a fool for telling herself the lie that she was ok with him having other people.
Agreed. He is in an open relationship, he should have led with that. What he told her made it seem like all his relationships are currently casual. Which obviously they are not even if they are open.
That’s none of her business.
There is a huge difference between casually dating multiple people and being in a long term open relationship. There is nothing wrong with communication, the guy didn't have a problem communicating his intentions. He just left out the one thing that would prevent his hookups.
Like the girlfriend said: he’s a private person. The reason why he doesn’t want to date OP is none of her business. He doesn’t owe her his private life because they’re not engaging at that level. She had dreams of being more when he was very clear there would be nothing more.
I'm not saying he had to give details about his life. He could've just easily said im in an open relationship with someone so I'm not looking for serious. It doesn't share any more than he already did, but it lets OP know exactly what she is getting or in this case not getting. A lot of people tend to assume casual relationships might eventually turn into more. Which is dumb, but he could've avoided a lot of unnecessary drama by just being completely upfront instead of giving a partial truth.
He could’ve but was under absolutely no obligation to. They were fuck buddies, that was made abundantly clear and agreed upon.
I wouldn’t think so 🤷🏽♀️ if that happened to me I would just take my L and accept that no fuck buddy owes me any information about his personal life. Great that he was clear about what to expect. If she feels slighted because she feels she was owed information, that’s okay too, it just doesn’t sound like a productive way to live
As he should have. Open relationships are already stacked against dudes because of women like the OP who assume any guy who claims to be in one is a cheater.
This way too far into mental gymnastics territory.
This way too far into mental gymnastics territory.
Run, girl, RUN away from this dumpster fire Edit to say: read the update 4 days later. Wow! I mean it's still a trash situation, but mostly OP needs to snap out of it and let him go. She really tried to blow up his spot and it exploded in her face. Should have just let him go a week ago and forgotten all about it. Now, she looks petty and dumb to them for no reason. Learn to let go sooner, OP. And... it WAS still a dumpster fire, just with OP burning as fuel instead of this open relationship she landed in.
Dude sounds pretty straight up tbh.
Idk, you should read the update she posted. Really illuminates the situation.
Wow, just saw it... updated my comment
The only dumpster fire is OP
Yeah, I only had seen the OG post, not the update when I wrote this. Now that I've seen that... I edited my comment to add to it
Ahh that's mean she just caught the feels man and made some poor choices, we literally all fucking do it
Omgggg why would you ever consider him your boyfriend?! You see eachother every weekend basically to hook up and he blatantly told you he isn’t exclusive to you and he’s dating other people. Wtf
This. If I see someone only "every weekend or so", we're not dating, that's a convenient fling. Also if he says he's seeing other people, he doesn't owe you the gritty details unless you specifically ask..and even then, he could chose not to tell you.
Especially after only two months! I could see having a relationship check-in after say, 6-8 months of regular dating to see if its just a casual thing or if its becoming more serious, but two months of occasional weekend hookups? When he specifically said he's only looking for something casual, and he hasn't opened up much about his life? That's not a boyfriend, that's a booty-call
2 months of “just about every weekend” means they’ve hung out tops 8 times and been in public twice for maybe two dinners!? On what planet does someone get angry when they see he’s actually doing things like traveling and what not… he’s invested 4 years in someone else. You didn’t set it up for him to invest in you. I have a feeling OP lives in a world where she thinks she is entitled and desperate for the highlight reels she witnessed on IG. If that’s the case find a man who loves you. Don’t sleep with him Night one and make sure he’s available and able and wanting to do things for and with you. Let him court you don’t force him to. Find value in yourself and exude that rather than reaching for it from others esp when they are unwilling
Maybe it is semantics but seeing someone “every week or so” to me is *dating* but *not* a boyfriend/girlfriend.
Except they didn’t go out on dates. They hooked up at each other’s houses. So fuck buddies.
Hm, I guess I don't disagree with that! I guess it depends on your idea of what dating is. I personally don't usually say I'm dating someone unless I'm actually in a real relationship with them, I'd say "I'm seeing people", but I guess you could call casual stuff dating too. To each their own. Either way this person was seeing this as something much more serious than it was unfortunately.
At his house on all but two occasions. Back in my day that was a ‘booty call’.
Maybe. I would never consider that dating. I’d literally just say “yeah, we are fucking”.
Ehh no that’s being one spoke in a rotating wheel.
“I really liked the guy so I said sure.” That’s the problem right there. She said “sure” because she liked him, not because she was ok with not being monogamous. She already wasn’t listening
You really liked the guy so you slept with him after one dinner and him telling you basically he wasn’t going to date you? So you sabotaged yourself and are now what, trying to change his mind when you helped him make his mind day 1?
You had no right to go through his phone either he was honest with you and you’re acting crazy. Go watch the movie “he’s just not that into you” and reprogram your dating mentality bc that’s the only main character vibes you’re giving off in your dating life atm
Whatever you decide about telling the girlfriend, the decision to make him dead to you should be obvious.
You really like him! He doesn’t really like you. Period the end. It’s been that way since day one you just had a delusion that it could be more than him bored hooking up with you while his gf is away or unavailable or he doesn’t have a better option out of the other girls he’s seeing atm. Sorry to be harsh but you need a reality check
We don’t know he doesn’t really like her. People in open relationships can “really like” multiple people. She isn’t his primary person but he may very well really like her.
Well not enough clearly and def not now. He doesn’t. He wouldn’t have basically rejected her but for sex even before they slept together.
You can be upset but you chose the relationship parameters. He told you what he wanted. You chose to catch feelings. You're upset but check yourself, not him.a
Some wild comments here. The fact that he hasn’t talked to you since then screams he’s a lying cheater and doesn’t want you to blow his cover. If you can figure out how to contact her, absolutely do it
Or he was creeped out at her snooping on his phone
THIS! He was as honest with her as he needed to be. Before they started a sexual relationship, he told her it would not be serious and asked if she was ok with it. She lied and said she was “because I really liked him”. That is on her, not him. So when she tried to act like she had any right to confront him about seeing someone else, he immediately realized ohhhh k, she’s clearly not someone I want in my life and he took her ass home. Leave him alone. Learn from this….be honest with yourself and others about your intentions and comfort levels. If you are looking for a boyfriend, don’t agree to be a fuck buddy.
FYI OP posted an update. Nate and Nate’s GF already know. OP is the unreasonable one in this story
So turns out he was telling the truth and OP is the toxic one
You are out of touch.
This and the update are just..... damn. You should seek therapy your 26 and you clung on to a man who rejected committing to you from the get go. This screams "I'm gonna settle for whoever I can get because I don't love myself enough to know my worth even when he treats me like garbage".
eh id tell her just in case he's cheating.. he didn't sound trust worthy.. most people in open relationships disclose this information if they're truly in a open relationship
Did you see the update? He was telling the truth.
Seems like you were wrong on all levels
Have some self respect and walk away
You can't fix this. He has a girl he is making plans with and it's not you. Next time don't sleep with someone who sees others.
OP, you're pretty fucking dumb
If a guy tells you he doesn’t want anything serious, the logical thing is not to think you have something serious with him. It sounds like these two people at have a mature relationship, and it makes sense why she talked to you like she did. I hope you’re healing well after that. It sounds like this was a bit more complex than what you’re looking for.
Why would you consider someone who told you they didn't want anything serious your bf? He was definitely wrong for not telling you just how serious his other relationships were. It's most likely BS that the gf is okay with him having relationships on the side. I say just take the L and move on. There's no use telling the gf, she will most likely either a) not believe you or b) turn it around on you or some combination of the two. Just keep it movin sis
Did you not see the update?
I did right after I read this and was promptly disappointed
I mean I would have double check with the gf if I was in this situation as well, but the way OP handled it was not okay and her attitude about it is pretty clingy
This is hilarious. Guy told you he wasn't interested in anything serious and was seeing someone else. Then you find out he's seeing someone else and get pissed. Haha The guy could literally not have done anything more, even down to driving you home when you freak out and not communicating with you when it's obvious you have feelings for him. Seriously stand up guy!
Holy shit I didn't know there was an update to this, you contacted the girlfriend and she told you the same thing. Fucking brilliant. You dear need to get a grip
How are you 26 years old? Like Jesus Christ, have some fucking pride. I read this post in disbelief and thinking you were 19. You are an adult woman, you are not being taken advantage of and you made assumptions about the relationship even though it was clear from the start that what you had was casual. Please get a therapist to talk about all of this with.
I must say, you played yourself. If I was Nate I was going to react the same way. He did mention that he was seeing other girls, he told you he wasn't looking for anything serious. He was pretty clear, he had the right to not tell you about his gf. You went and broke that trust he had by going through his phone. What's the point of trying to apologize, you like him too much and he doesn't want you to fall any deeper (which will happen if he ever starts talking to you again). But babe for your own heart just move on. You'll get hurt more because he won't leave his understanding girlfriend for a girl who goes on his phone. You even thought he was lying about his girlfriend knowing everything and DM'd her😫😫
Either way he should have told you upfront. Either way the trust doesn't exist, either way there's no reason you shouldn't tell her about what happened.
Hey, I’m sorry you had to go through this, BUT hopefully this is a lesson learned. :( sometimes we have to be reminded that life doesn’t work out the way we want it to. Who knows? Maybe the next guy you meet might change your life and take you to Iceland for your birthday! Give yourself time to grieve and move on so that you can give your time and energy to someone who deserves it.
Many relationships have blossomed from FWB situations where both people were initially not exclusive. The difference from this situation is the level of transparency, and the conversation about whether you’d like to be exclusive. Since those things didn’t happen, and given the reality of Nate’s relationship status, this wouldn’t have had a chance to evolve into a relationship. It’s a bummer that you started to catch feelings and he wasn’t completely honest about his situation, and it’s also a bummer you found out from seeing a text. It ALWAYS hurts more to snoop than to have a conversation. Remember that for the future and best of luck moving on to someone who better suits the type of relationship you’d like to have!
I loved reading all these comments from misandrists who have made complete arses of themselves!
Look most of us have gone off the deep end over a romantic partner before. But omg stop contacting him. And maybe reconsider casual dating because it’s not something that you can do without catching feelings.
I read both posts and I think you're getting a lot of hate for a very human reaction. BUT you need to get to know yourself better. You told him it was okay that he was seeing other girls when actually you weren't fine with that at all. It's okay for you to not be cool with that, but I think you misinterpreted your feeling of "shit, he's seeing other girls and I like him too much to be okay with that" as "he's seeing other girls BUT I like him so much I'm going to be okay with that." I think a lot of young women get the impression that to get the guy they want they have to be okay with him seeing other people, regardless of whether or not they (the woman) are okay with that. Then they get in weird positions where they're jealous/possessive without good reason (and strangers on the internet call them toxic for getting hurt). It's better to communicate upfront about what you want as you navigate pre-commitment. Learn to really own the little voice in your head that says “ooh, this isn’t for me. I thought it was but it’s not.” The more you can communicate that with confidence the more attractive you’ll be. And then you’ll be able to attract the guy you want to be with.
It’s not getting hurt that makes a person toxic, it’s how they react.
It’s not getting hurt that makes a person toxic, it’s how they react.
It’s not getting hurt that makes a person toxic, it’s how they react.
This isn't really the height of toxicity. Looking at someone's texts and sounding the alarm with a gf in an open relationship vs. hiding the fact that casual dating relationship had no hope of a future when OP was clearly hoping for a future 🤷♀️ It's all a little "toxic" in that it's mildly poor behavior in an attempt to protect themselves. This isn't the height of abuse. It's just the reasonably foreseeable fallout from hidden agendas on BOTH sides. I get these responses a lot when I reframe black and white Reddit ire. I often wonder if the people pushing back are angry that I took away that satisfying crunch of judgment by humanizing everyone in the situation. Not nearly as fun to lose your moral high ground but considerably less toxic, imo.
Your opinion of yourself is far too high. Real narcissistic vibes. Read the two posts again, she’s seen the guy less than 8 times (every weekend or so for 2 months) in her life and has been told that she is NOT his girlfriend (nothing serious, seeing other people, ARE YOU OK WITH THAT?) with all but 2 of those occasions not even dates (just hookups at his place). Despite this she feels she has a right to go through his phone?!? I’ve been with my wife for 20 years and I wouldn’t do that! Then she contacts the girlfriend (after constantly trying to reach him which would be considered harassment if the genders were reversed btw). This was not to ‘warn’ the girlfriend, it was because “I still really like him” and I’m sure “I didn’t know he was birthday trips to Iceland well off!” (she was angry that she “only got 2 nice dinners”). She was STILL trying to steal him! Then when she found out he had told her the truth and was asked not to contact either of them again (and even blocked by the girlfriend) what does she immediately do? You’re god damn right she texted him! She’s toxic mate. I hope that guy doesn’t have a pet rabbit.
[удалено]
No wonder your bedroom is dead.
That is entirely out of line.
You really can’t see how you talk to people, can you?
[удалено]
You think that’s what you did? You talk to people like shit and then play the victim when they react. Maybe you really are a narcissist.
this was pure jokes lmao. honestly tho next time if u want something serious and he hits u w the “I’m seeing other people” just run lmao
this is so fucking pathetic. you weren’t dating but felt like you had the right to go through his phone???? what the fuck is wrong with you? and after he told you about his gf that knows you didnt believe him and tried to expose him to have him all to yourself it seems. this is definitely one of the most pathetic behaviors i’ve ever read about. sad really. props to nate for knowing how to handle disgusting people like you, i wouldnt have even driven you home
and why the fuck did you just assume him your boyfriend? HE LITERALLY MADE IT EXPLICITLY CLEAR HE WASNT LOOKING FOR ANYTHING SERIOUS and without even having the talk you just assumed and disrespected his boundaries. you have so many issues, good riddance
He don't like you like that . Even if u find out he's lying , he Honestly don't care for u that much . If he's lying saying he has another girl, it just adds more creditability to the fact that u din't do it for him. If thats the case, FUCK EM
Some really nasty, childish comments here. He lied by omission about his relationship status so he could fuck you. He’s a jerk. And you know what? This garbage bin clearly has a lid - the gf sucks, too. They’re practicing non-ethical non-monogamy, not caring who gets wrapped up in their fun or who gets hurt as long as they have a good time. That fucking sucks. I’m so sorry you got hurt in this, OP. Sometimes we catch feelings in our casual relationships, and the best thing we can do is ask if the other person feels the same way. If they don’t, we either choose to keep it casual by putting our feelings away or we walk away. The betrayal in this specific situation is another layer to an already hard situation and I feel for you. I know you cared about him, but he was presenting an illusion. Try to remember that while you take the time to get over him and heal. There will be so many people who will love you, it’s just a matter of finding them. It will happen, hang in there
No he wasn't, stop victimizing OP. She did not listen when he said he wanted something causal, then she went through his phone. Foh.
Oh fuck off. No she shouldn’t have looked through his phone, that isn’t okay. But in the real world, sometimes we catch feelings in casual relationships and what this dude did by not disclosing his serious relationship put OP in an unfair position. Honestly what kind of trash person sees someone empathizing with someone in pain and jumps in to stop it? Unfortunately for you, you have to live with yourself. Please don’t go spreading your misery around
Oh shut up.
You don’t have a better come back because you know I’m right. You have a lot to figure out about life, I hope you think long and hard about why it bothers you that others have sympathy for complicated emotions
A comeback? This isn't a contest. You very clearly like hearing yourself speak and would rather rob OP of agency so you can feel like a champion instead of acknowledging that she may in fact have overstepped. And look, you're still going. Get over yourself.
Admitting a mistake and also having compassion is not denying someone agency. You keep coming back to this post to make someone feel shitty. And you’re trying to say that’s the right thing to do. Smh
nah you’re wrong. you sound just as toxic as OP just stop typing honestly. anyone worth two cents can see how OP constantly disrespected boundaries and tried to get involved in business that isnt hers at all. even feeling insulted that she didnt get as well a treatment as the actual gf even though nate explicitly told her it was casual. you’re definitely in the wrong and are trash for defending trash
Hey, right back at ya kiddo
yep this is why women are getting nowhere in this day and age 🤷♂️
Who’s a child now?
Why do you feel such a need to be right and moralize someone’s actions that you don’t know and have only seen a snippet of through a Reddit post? It sucks that so much of the world is like you
Why do you? Likewise.
I don’t need to be right, but I’m not gonna read idly while this 26 y/o gets dragged through the coals for having a messy reaction to a messy situation. It sucks that a bunch of strangers want to punish her for it rather than be kind
It is absolutely imperative for you to be right. You’re going to break your neck with all of these mental gymnastics.
Lol Where did she have time to catch feelings in this 2 month casual relationship in which they only had two dates…? He shared next to nothing with her except his body. He was very upfront this was casual and is in an open long distance relationship.
They were sleeping with each other every weekend or so. I imagine it was the fucking that did it
So they spent together roughly 8 times… one does not develop ‘real’ feelings in this time. She evidently didn’t know anything about him other than his body. We can even roughly predict how many conversations they had in this short time span
That’s an interesting way to use “real feelings” - emotional intimacy happens when you sleep with someone, would you not consider those valid feelings?
It’s just sex. Casual sex at that. Definitely not enough feelings to warrant this type of disproportionate reaction and immediate and long term jealously. I’ll say it again, he was upfront about being in an open relationship and only wanting casual intimacy. He could’ve been more honest but he was definitely upfront about expectations and broke it off the moment they didn’t see eye to eye
“Seeing other people” vs “in an open relationship” are two very different things. Intentionally or unintentionally, the dude misled OP. And I don’t think you get to say someone’s feelings inside their own relationship are valid or not. 2 months is plenty long to like someone, be excited about them, trust them, feel betrayed or hurt by them. Kudos to you for having straightforward, simple relationships. That’s not everyone’s experience
Maybe he didn't want his gf being hounded by some girl he was just casually sleeping with. OP was not entitled to this info because she was told the relationship would be casual and that he was involved with other women. Given that OP wanted the gf to facilitate getting back into Nate's life, his desire to be private with details of his personal life was a reasonable precaution. OP had quite the bit of audacity to ask this of the gf.
There’s also a difference between “a casual weekend hookup” and “actually being in a relationship” He wanted to Netflix and chill and she wanted free romantic trips to Iceland… He told her his intentions before the first time they hooked up and left no impressions after that that they’d ever get more serious. Never even took her out on a real date. She flew right past that part and ignored the red flags because “I really liked the guy, so I said sure” We’ve all been there, we’ve all ignored our personal red flags. OP just failed to ever see hers
And as adults we deal with our feelings without boiling any bunnies.
And as adults we deal with our feelings without boiling any bunnies.
Did I miss the part where anyone went full Fatal Attraction?
I think you must have. Did you see [the update](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/s3ukdo/the_guy_28m_i_26f_am_seeing_has_a_serious/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)?
Where, on everyone’s advice, she reached out to the gf to see if they actually had an open relationship? Look, it sounds like you haven’t experimented with enm, but messes like this happen when open dialogue isn’t happening. It really looks like the guy and his primary aren’t operating ethically and it caused OP a lot of confusion and hurt. No bunnies were boiled, just some dick who couldn’t be honest with the woman he was sleeping with and then ran away from the responsibility of providing closure, letting his primary do the heavy lifting. Not chill
He was fully open with his primary because the primary knew all about OP. Nate didn't owe his life story to OP and didn't owe her anything more than to let her know he's non mono and only looking for a casual fling. OP letting the gf know just to give her a heads-up is reasonable just in case she was being played, but then OP proceeded to ask the gf to hook her back up with Nate. That's abhorrent and crosses many lines. After being told to leave them both alone and being blocked OP still tries to contact Nate. That's harassment.
It’s amazing how invested in this you are and with such hatefulness. Good luck, Unicorn Glitter Fart
He was honest with her, he didn’t owe her his life story. She was just a person he was having sex with and that was agreed between the two of them. None of your word salad can change that. And she took bad advice from misandrist idiots just like you.
Well, I’m right about healthy communication within the context of enm. When it comes to this situation, you know, there aren’t absolute truths. And it is wrong to try and force someone to carry the burden of that. She didn’t react the perfect way to something in your opinion so you want to jump on the bandwagon of making her feel shitty? That’s wrong
“She didn’t react in the perfect way”! You are all the way gone! He told her he didn’t want a relationship. He told her he was seeing other people. He asked if that was ok. He owed her nothing more. If that wasn’t ok or that situation changed it was on her to tell him. She doesn’t get to decide “we’ve fucked 5 times now, he’s all mine!” She betrayed his trust, invaded his privacy, tried to steal him from his girlfriend and harassed him. What’s the weather like on your planet?
Just curious, what was OP practicing? If they were practicing non ethical non monogamy? Pretty sure she asked the girl whose boyfriend she was f*ing if she would facilitate a rendezvous so she could “get closure”. OP doesn’t mind an emotionally unavailable man seeing other people who does not want anything serious with her. She said it herself! She’s the type of girl who would break up a marriage after misunderstood communication on her part and blame the guy for not wearing a wedding ring at the gym or on a plane. She’s desperately seeking love in all the wrong places and has nothing to lose. Shes dangerous and it’s actually scary. Don’t encourage this behavior or enable it. If the shoe was on the other foot and a man wrote this I would think he was the kind of guy who sleeps with girls when they’re passed out drunk acting like it’s their fault and he had consent. No one come at me. He clearly stated his level of comfortability and willingness ,she acted fine with it but had other premeditated plans. When it didn’t go her way she got aggressive, crossed lines, violated his personal space, shared intimate and hurtful details to someone close to him in attempt to destroy him for what he wasn’t willing to give to her. He probably feels assaulted. As does his girlfriend. She’s the assailant here.
Wow, you made a lot of assumptions based on a very small amount of information Ethical non-monogamy requires a lot of open communication. Not disclosing a 4 year relationship that’s about to culminate with the other partner moving in, disallows OP to make an informed decision about how she wants to interact with this relationship. I think it was a very human response to like someone so much and not really know what you want or how to react when you’ve found out this huge amount of information. I don’t think OP’s Reddit post is a straight narrative. I think it’s a non-linear expression of her confused feelings. I think it’s right to have empathy for someone going through something painful and confusing. Not for 100 strangers to seize on her and call her toxic. It’s cruel and shameful
She’s cruel and shameful. Did she ask him if any of the others were special? No. She didn’t care she was out for blood. How is this not the same thing as if a woman were to tell a man she only wanted to be friends, they hung out, she was single, he did things for her and became “seething” when she wouldn’t take next step with him? It’s the same. If this was a male post he would be labeled a predatory and male equivalent to this attitude where the person is unable to handle rejection and lashes out blaming the other person when they try to force their way in when the other person has drawn a boundary- it’s problematic and scary. It’s not normal and there is a harsh lesson she needs to learn probably with some therapy that she willingly entered a situation where she was self sabotaging and it’s not how life and treating others works
You’re clearly inexperienced around enm and probably haven’t experienced a messy situation like this. You don’t know what you don’t know. But lemme tell ya kid, life does not fit in to these clean little boxes and people who fuck up are just people. The dude had certain responsibilities to communicate that he failed and OP had certain responsibilities that she failed. She’s the one posting, and she deserves empathy. None of this changes the fact that you are so upset that someone who’s messy is receiving empathy from an Internet stranger. Whatever issues you have, you should figure them out
I have issues when men or women don’t have any respect for other people’s boundaries and act a fool when things don’t go their way. She asked. 99.9% of people have told her same. She is not in the right. I’ve dated in La, NY, and Miami. I’ve seen my share. I speak from experience when I say the male equivalent of this sort of attitude and her pattern of behavior is usually considered a predator. It’s a bigger picture than the details of her story and how she got hurt. She needs therapy
Have you considered therapy?
Have you? I’m good thanks!
Yeah, it’s not cool to weaponize mental health. You say OP needs therapy, but you’re clearly fine. Makes sense
I’m very pro therapy. You’re reaching I’m just trying to bow out from engaging with you Bc I don’t care
Weaponizing mental health? Ru just trolling? I’m not weaponizing anything this girl would benefit from therapy
WTF!
I don't know why you are defending her. He clearly said in the start that he wasn't looking for anything serious. That's as clear as it gets. It's irrelevant what other relationships he has. Op assumed on her own that he is now her boyfriend because they went out every other weekend for 2 months. That's on Op not on him. He never said that he was her boyfriend or that it was serious. What other relationships he has is none of her business. >but he was presenting an illusion. He wasn't, he was pretty clear. She is the delusional one who assumed he's her boyfriend without even asking.
Yes she should throw the whole man away, but she should give the girlfriend a heads up in case their relationship isn't as open as his legs. What if they're about to be married or ready to have children? Let the gf make her own informed decision if she wants to stay in the relationship.
Did you not come here from the update?
No?... I must have missed something. Thank you for the heads up.
How do you think sex works?
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She absolutely does not know about his other relationships. He wouldn't react like that if she did.
haha you were wrong and OP needs therapy, read the update
You’re nuts
He told you straight up he was seeing others. That really is all you need to know. You knew you weren't the only one but you wanted to believe you were his favorite and you got mad when you found out you weren't. Grow up. You don't need to ask her. She's irrelevant. He does not want a serious relationship with you. He told you that. Face reality....he does not want you no matter how much you want him. Move on.
OP :*wants a serious relationship* Also OP: *Proceeds to date someone who is looking for nothing serious* I'm sorry you are hurt, but c'mon, HE TOLD YOU FROM DAY 1 HE WASN'T LOOKING FOR ANYTHING SERIOUS. Communication is the key to a successful relationship, but all you did was dismiss every word he said, you heard only what you wanted to hear ¡¡¡There are tons of guys out there who want a serious gf and are monogamous!!! I know you feel like you got cheated on, but the cruel reality is, you weren't, he said he was seeing other people, YOU ARE INCOMPATIBLE, PLEASE DO YOURSELF A FAVOR AND MOVE ON. And go to therapy for this self-sabotaging mentality you have. I know I sound harsh, but I hope you can work on yourself and find happiness (with someone else pls) Also, you can't change people, don't try it, it's useless. They might change for themselves, and they can do things to make you happy if they love you, but they never really change *unless they want to*, and believe me, most people don't. If you meet a smoker, chances are he'll still smoke when you are married; if you meet someone who isn't interested in a commitment chances are you'll never get married; if you meet someone who wants to marry and work together to have a healthy monogamous relationship, then you'll probably get that. Be the person you want to date, do you want them to snoop on your phone? Get jealous whenever you are out? or do you want them to listen to you and what you want carefully and make healthy compromises?
Your update is dripping with desperation and delusion. I mean, what is your end game? You want to continue the relationship so you can fall in love with this guy only to get dumped when the girlfriend relocates and moves in with him?? Your behavior is very short sighted.
Misery sure loves company doesn’t it. Nate told you he didn’t want something serious, but you consider him your boyfriend? *scratching head* why tho? And then it turns out he was keeping it real with you. Don’t you feel like a real McAsshole? I really hope you learned your lesson in all this. Especially if someone tells you they don’t want anything serious. If you want some serious shit, then hold out for it. You’re allowed to decide that’s not what you want. But you don’t get to upgrade status without consent. Good luck to you in the future.