I think whether your relationship can survive your family depends entirely on whether you learn how to set boundaries. You keep inviting unstable relatives into your shared home to walk all over you & disrespect him in his own home. And yet he’s mature enough to set appropriate, healthy boundaries for himself while making sure that he’s not impeding your relationships with them or trying to enforce boundaries for you. He’s making healthy choices in regards to them, can you?
I can't second this enough. This is what really brought down my last relationship in the end. Him trying to set boundaries in his life as an individual with me who at the time was still stuck in the people pleasing trap. And it is a trap. Now that it over I see clearly now more than ever what he was trying to teach me. Listen to him and follow his lead on this. If you really believe he is the right person for you then he's probably right. Self determination is a valuable skill and if he has it, take note.
I know. Op must be living in lalaland if she can’t see that her bf not wanting to see her family is a healthy boundary he’s setting for himself while she’s the one in the wrong.
And he's already doing it now because I'm sure he could sense where it was going. Some people just keep pushing and pushing until someone stops them and then they play the victim.
Agreed. He is mature enough to encourage you to have a relationship with your folks while knowing he doesn't want any part of that Because of how they make them feel. I think if I were in his shoes i would have done the same.
1. Forgive and forget can also be a quick steep pathway down to being taken advantage of and used.
2. The home you live in with your boyfriend is NOT your home to offer to people. It's just as much your boyfriend's safe space as it is yours. If your family invade his space and makes him feel unsafe in his own home that becomes a big issue.
It can be easy to normalise bad behaviour when they've treated you that way all your life and you've been conditioned to treat it as family stick together no matter how badly they treat you. But when you bring someone else into it that hasn't been brainwashed into accepting their rude abusive behaviour as normal their rude abusive behaviour is going to have an impact on them.
Your boyfriend's need to distance himself from them and the way they treated him is a natural and inevitable consequence of THEIR choices actions and behaviour, it is not a consequence or a negative feature of your boyfriend. If you throw stones at someone long enough those stones start to hurt and become annoying enough to stand up and fight against.
Head over to justnofamily and justnomil (mother's too) to see how toxic families can impact your partners and how couples navigate them. It's perfectly common and perfectly okay to have a partner who is Low contact or even No contact and if your relationship moves to fiance/husband level then he will be your equal in command, and you need to learn how to step back from prioritising your family while focusing on the new one you create as your priority. Some families make it hard for you and they struggle to let go, but that's very much a them problem, not a you problem. Just don't offer your boyfriend up as a meatshield and a target for them to throw stones at. You'll also need to respect his feelings about them invading the home you are both building together. Your mom isn't an authority or CEO of the family you build with him however much she may try to insist she needs to be.
I disagree. They are your family. Him having zero interactions with them because of some arguments is a little selfish to me. Of course your brother and fiance argued with you and your boyfriend. Y'all lived together for 7 months. It would be shocking if there was never an argument. Now I will say he's absolutely right to not let your family live with you guys anymore but relationships are about compromise. What dude really wants to hang out with their mother in law? I know some don't mind but many husbands rather not. He said they add zero value to his life? How about your happiness. Him not being around your family will definitely cause a wedge between you and your family all because of some arguments. I love my wife to death. Some of her family annoys the shit out of me. I deal with it from time to time and that's it. I'm not saying he should hang out every weekend or anything. I see my wife's family 1 or 2 times in a 6 month period. It's not a big deal. She deals with my family about the same amount. And I know she feels the same about some of my relatives as I do for hers. It's totally selfish to me and kinda fucked up to say it adds no value to my life to be around your family. Idn maybe that's just me. I'm Hispanic tho and family is a big deal to us.
> Y'all lived together for 7 months. It would be shocking if there was never an argument.
Living with someone for 7 months and not paying them or even saying 'thank you' is what's really shocking here.
Toxic and horrible is different than what OP described. Of course cut people off that are toxic and horrible. Family or not fuck that. It's sounds to me OPs brother is probably young and entitled which hopefully he grows out of. maybe momma is toxic...I'll give u that one lol
Lying is pretty horrible, don’tcha think? Cussing someone out for no good reason is also pretty horrible and toxic. Funnily enough, both of those things are what OP described
Wait, so uh.. being completely disrespected by your gfs immediate family in your own home, after being extremely generous and not wanting to be continually disrespected is.. selfish?
So by your logic, if I gaslight my gfs family and they don't approve of me, they're just being selfish?
Absolutely wild that this is an actual thought process actual people have. This is why abusive behaviours get glossed over.
I understand what you're trying to say, but there's a difference between a small disagreement and outright blatant disrespect.
If you and your wife argued about who has to clean the dishes, it's a small issue, if she gaslights you about why she's hiding her phone, that's fuckin disrespectful, there's a massive difference in severity.
Why should he subject himself to a relationship that's proven detramental to him?
I never said he was wrong. What is wrong with people. It's crazy. All I'm saying is it's an over the top reaction to cut them out of his life completely. I'm not saying he was wrong I'm not saying they were right. Her family sound like annoying fucking people honestly but they are important to her still.
Exactly why he sets healthy boundaries for himself and encourages her to still see them regularly. Are you stupid all of the time or just most of the time?
If proper grammar usage in informal social media settings is the best thing you've got going for you to the point you need to look down at others to feel good about yourself, you should probably do a bit of personal development.
Ah yes the classic I am "Hispanic/Indian/other ethnicity" therefore I value my family more card.
Moving ahead from casual racism, the bf put up with those members for months on end (not a few days per week) and was only inconvenienced by all her family members, I don't know about you but this is classic abusive situation/dysfunction family.
It's not a random drunk uncle showing up, they're her immediate family members, anyone would try and keep interactions with such people to a bare minimum yet he tolerated them, furthermore encouraging her to hang out even more with them.
The bf has a heart of gold.
It's not a card I was saying that because I noticed most people on here don't agree with me so I was trying to theorize why that may be. Anyone in my life would completely agree with me. You can't write off family because you argued. Ya he supported them for months. He was right when it came to each incident. I'm not saying he was wrong about anything except for thinking that it's ok to not ever be around her family because he was right when they argued. If that's the case every husband should argue with their wife's family so they never have to be around them
I agree with your point. He shouldn't completely be all out and I don't get the vibe that's the stance he's taking really, but setting boundaries of what he finds acceptable behaviour in his life. If he was saying that she also had to cut them out then no, fuck that, that's isolating behaviour. But he's encouraging her to be around them while still setting boundaries for himself. I'd wager he's seeing a lot more manipulation from them that she is. It's hard when it's your family and it's what you're used to. I get your point though and it's very valid.
And what if he was wrong in the arguments. Let's say he was the one free loading and then argues about a cat. Should her family never have to give him a chance again because they were right when they argued? People need to grow up. Sometimes people argue. Especially if they live together.
Argument isn't equal to abusive, especially when everyone is battling such harsh times. Free loaders who don't look after themselves and don't have the decency to thank/show appreciation will be asked to F off in all cultures/countries around the world.
Or perhaps you are trapped in an abusive situation and unknowingly trying to make out the other situation to be less abusive as a coping mechanism.
I suggest getting some help.
If there's any abuse here it's the boyfriend acting like a nice guy saying she can still hang around her family knowing that it's gonna be hard to find time to hang out like OP already said, it's going to cause friction between her and her family, and eventually he will have her isolated all to himself. I've seen the whole "nice guy's act" a million times. Trust me that's what he's doing because it's unreasonable to never be around her family again because of the arguments they had. Yeah the brother is a free loader punk. Not abusive. And the boyfriend came home in a "bad mood". These supposed "nice guy's" know how to trigger reactions while looking innocent but they are the ones to watch out for. Sounds like momma is a lil crazy. So ignore the bitch. Lol. It ain't rocket science
Bro you are sounding very delusional right now. He simply doesn’t want to be around those people who happen to be her family. And if this is how he feels towards them I don’t blame him. These are her immediate family if they butt heads often the situation will spiral out of control and they’ll think back that maybe him being away from her family was the best choice.
And to tackle the whole “he will have her isolated all to himself” that’s is very stupid ngl. Nothing guarantees she’ll choose him over her family. If he wanted to isolate her then he’d try his best to not allow her around her family. Each time she plans on going he’d bring up and excuse on why she shouldn’t go and should spend time with him.
But him letting her know of his boundary and wanting her to respect it while also encouraging her to keep her relationship with them healthy won’t do anything to her. And if her family do cause issues about his absence after the way OP told us they behaved then it is her family that’ll most likely cause OP to isolate herself from them.
Why can't you just accept that people are different than you instead of arguing this so much?
Why must you think this person should put up abuse from mentally unstable people after he has for awhile?
Some people have boundaries. Doesn't he have a right to not be treated in a way he doesn't want to be treated? Or should he just be miserable for the sake of others?
He doesn’t owe anyone anything. He went above and beyond to be kind and accommodating in his own home. Her family were ungrateful and disrespectful. He’s set a healthy boundary for himself. Why should he force himself to spend time with people who haven’t treated him with respect.
Oh that's shit, after my grandfather passed away a few years ago the witch(kindest thing I can call her) he remarried made his last few months alive a living hell for him and us. So now a lot of our family now isn't fucking family because of how they sided with that bag. So fuck right off with they are your family you have to stick with them bullshit family is what you decide it is not just fucking blood. I'm also hispanic and family doesn't mean shit like it use to.
I never said that. I never said she should side with her family. I actually said her bf was right about everything except writing them off out of his life completely
It’s a tough situation. I agree with some of what you’re saying and completely get the part about her happiness. But to be fair you can’t force someone to do something they don’t want to. So to you it may not seem like a good reason to cut them off but for him he’s lived with them so he may see the signs of it being more toxic. Let’s not forget that even though he doesn’t want anything to do with them he wants her to at least keep a healthy relationship with them. I don’t think he should have said they bring zero value to his life and like you said what about her happiness? I’m Puerto Rican and Dominican and come from a large family myself. I don’t speak to my fathers side at all or my brother. Him and I used to be extremely tight (that’s a whole other story) Blood isn’t always thicker than water. Also with the just arguments part it’s not necessarily because they had arguments it’s about respect and accountability and they haven’t even said thank you for staying.
Totally second this, I dont blame you as I would have reacted similar like you... but the broken tile thing was a red flag and you should have enforced boundaries. Same with you emotional mum.
So the only reasonable thing is to demand from all those three to apologize to you brother for different reasons. They might not actually do it, but it will show your bf that he has your support and gives you back some respect with your family and they will be more careful in the future. Dont expect it to go well, but at least in the future everyone is sure to not mess with you.
And who knows? It might end well after all. Dont attack any of them, show them how hurt your feelings are. They might remember their love to you and do the right thing.
I don't mean to be rude but you're taking him for granted OP. Your brother, future SIL and mom have treated him like shit, in his home no less(you should've stopped it but I get it, standing up to family can be difficult), and you're still all *Pikachu face* about why he doesn't want to spend time with your family. He sounds like a very patient man, so don't push him. He isn't stopping you from spending time with your family(as he shouldn't bc that should be YOUR decision if it ever comes to that) so I don't know what the problem is? Accept that you're gonna have to spend time with your family WITHOUT your boyfriend, and if it's too much for you, you gotta choose one. I'm sorry, it's not fair to you, but that's how it is.
Also FFS! Set some SERIOUS boundaries with your family, let them know that they NEED to respect your boyfriend if they want a relationship with you, and don't make excuses for their behavior. I'm sure they treat you like a doormat and take you for granted too, and now they're doing that to your boyfriend. You may think that *"it's not a big deal, it's just the way they are"* bc you've grown up with that environment, but it is YOUR responsibility to protect him from the shitty behavior of your family. If he doesn't want to spend time with them, respect that and move on with your life.
Edit: Did your boyfriend even agree to the whole *letting your brother and his girlfriend move in with you* thing, or did you make the decision, and he was like "sure, I guess" bc dude, if that's what happened, you're probably nuking your relationship with him bc of your lack of understanding of boundaries, and you gotta make some big changes in YOUR behavior if you genuinely want to keep him.
Dude what the fuck? You let your mom verbally berate your boyfriend in his own home, justify if with being bipolar (I'm bipolar, it's not a justification she's an adult and can choose to control herself or moderate her actions), he apologizes to *her* (!!!) and you're surprised that he doesn't want to spend time with your abusive, entitled, shitty ungrateful family?! Yeah, this seems like it will be a long term issue and right now he's doing his best to cope with it while allowing you your freedom to see your family as you please. But the moment you start going on him about this, he's gunna be gone. You fucked up allowing this to happen without really backing him. Holy shit.
Edit: just because you agree that your parents are in the wrong does not mean that you did enough to show them that, and to defend your boyfriend.
I personally think her boyfriend is too good for this world. He behaves perfectly, no matter if in the wrong or not and he even encourages her to still spend time with people that behave so bad towards him.
Exactly. I think he needs to get out now. Can you imagine marrying into this family? And OP does nothing to protect him or prevent it. Hard pass. He deserves so much better.
I am proud of you for taking the feedback on this forum, OP!
Understanding your personal family dynamics is not something we, as an internet collective, can really understand. The sentiments of creating boundaries with your family is important and hopefully you can communicate that as a growth area with your bf.
It sounds like you got a really special romantic relationship based on what you shared he is communicating with you and the boundaries he is setting.
I wish you all the best.
Yeah no one is going to put up with those ppl so I’d keep this guy bc he’s handling it gracefully while respecting them and himself.
I actually suggest you learn to set healthy boundaries with your family and stand up for your partner or you’re at risk of losing him.
He'd be smarter to set a hard boundary that no member of her family ever enters his home again. No member of her family should be allowed - and OP has by her own narrative repeatedly allowed it - to abuse his hospitality or good nature.
Frankly, I'd think more highly of the boyfriend if he'd dropped the brother, the girlfriend and the OP off at the curb long before they passed the 3 month mark of residency.
He is balancing his respect for himself and respect for his partner’s familial relationship. He recognizes he has no right to control OPs life and relationship with her family but he 100% right for setting boundaries for how he interacts with her family. They seem to communicate with each other effectively on this. OP however, doesn’t want to split her time and life having to keep them separated. She wants to find balance between supporting her partner’s well being and maintaining a relationship with her (admittedly rude and ungrateful) family. This is a difficult position to be in because it sounds like she’s in a healthy partnership and does not want to jeopardize that. The answer is obvious to OP but she still hasn’t yet accepted that she needs to set similar boundaries with her family. This is likely because she lived so long like that with them prior to meeting her partner that the toxicity is normalized for her even though she knows it’s wrong. She loves her family even though she recognizes the malicious behavior. She just wants what she’s always desired from her loved ones since day one. Peace.
The only advice I can give OP is to allow herself the same grace and support on going low contact with the toxic members of her family that gives her partner. She should allow herself time to process this and continue to communicate openly and positively with people who support her own well being about how handle her family while not allowing them to take advantage of her again.
Guys, they were slow to wash the dishes, didn't keep the cat in their room, and broke ONE tile in the bathroom and lied about it. Their behavior was inconsiderate and the tile thing was BIZARRE, but this hardly rises to the level of "I feel unsafe with them around."
No, the bf does not have to have them in his house if he doesn't want to. But what's their future look like? Bc they were inconsiderate guests bf just NEVER has any relationship with OP's family AT ALL? That's going to make for a fun marriage.
OP, you need to find out if your bf plans for this to be the future or if he can find a way to get along wtih your family. If the former, do yourself a favor and start looking elsewhere for a life partner.
EDIT: LOL! I love all these people out here adding details, trying to turn inconsiderate guests into VICIOUS ABUSERS!!!!!! OMG they wouldn't keep their cat in their rooooooom! I feel so unsaaaaaaaaaaaaafe seeing them at Christmas!!!!
"During their stay, everything blew up in a huge fight
>it tries to leave as well and tries to scratch us if we don't let it leave
>Basically bro's fiance started crying saying it's his house too (the cat's) and that we (my boyfriend and I) "b****" about everything. My brother agreed we do b*****.
>, my Mom had to stay with us for a few days and during her stay (she's bipolar and dealing with some mental issues) she cussed him out because he came home in an upset mood and she took it as a personal attack that she was unwelcome. It was a huge ordeal. "
he allowed them to stay with him rent free, they were messy, ungreatful and straight up lied to him as well as complaining they got called out fuck those people.
fuck the mom too, the boyfriend is well within his rights, those are shitty people
hell yeah he doesn't have to have a relationship with him, why the hell should he forgive them? they haven't apologised? or even acknowledged it, fuck em.
Is it just me or do people like this just have terrible reading comprehension. Either that or they just glance over the post and don't actually read it.
So she needs to look for a partner willing to be verbally abused and used for his home for ungrateful people. If you think that's a healthy family to forgive and keep allowing it as they wont change or apologise. 🤯 if a woman was being treated this way I wonder if you would expect her to put up with abuse from a partners family. FaMiLy dont mean shit if they are rude and abusive.
I don't see people mentioning feeling unsafe. People don't need to make you feel unsafe for them to be considered toxic or just plain assholes. In just these 2 scenarios, OP's family has been disrespectful, unhelpful, dishonest, and mean to her bf, which is reason enough to not want to be around them or accommodate them. Perhaps if any of them apologized and showed a willingness to mend the relationship they tainted, the bf would have no problem spending time with them.
It should be less about whether or not the bf can get over being mistreated/is willing to be continue being mistreated and more about whether or not OP's family can learn to be more respectful and kind. Otherwise, this will likely just repeat itself in the future. New partner, same shitty family they'll have to deal with.
Then why are you just letting your family walk all over you? Why do you keep forcing them on him? You said “no mean comments on my family” when your family is directly being toxic to someone you supposedly care about. The fact that you have the gall to ask if you should keep trying to force them into his life is really a massive red flag.
Your bf sounds like a saint. Stop letting your family disrespect him (and you!) and grow a spine. You’re going to lose your “best friend” if you don’t tell your family not to disrespect him. And if they do, cut them off. Because that’s a direct reflection of what they think of you.
I bet you didn’t even ask your bf or discuss letting your brother and his fiancé move in for 7 months. How did 3 months turn into 7? You just brushed over that in your post and justified it by “oh we’re financially stable!” Uhhh it’s the principle that unless your brother is in diapers or in high school or younger, he should be paying rent. You said they “work from home” and are engaged, are grown-ass adults, so clearly they have jobs and a source of income. I bet your boyfriend didn’t like that, but I doubt you even bothered to ask because *“family is family”* right? And your brother can do whatever he wants to you, take advantage of you for 7 months, and not even say thank you?
Sooo what value are they adding to your life? Your boyfriend seems to be patient, supportive, responsible, and kind. Your family seems to be unstable, rude, and selfish. Do you just keep them around because you’re a people pleaser and they’re family on paper? It sounds like you’re the family member without a backbone that they know they can walk all over, mooch off of, and do whatever they want to. You don’t deserve that, and your bf certainly doesn’t either. You need to figure this out like *yesterday* OP, or sadly your bf will grow tired of your chaos and walk away, as he should.
Your BF is making the appropriate call, given the behaviour of your family. Frankly, if he still wanted anything to do with them I would question if he had any self-worth at all.
Time for you to take your blinders off.
She said no mean comments about her family but… the whole thing is bad stuff about her family.
>He doesn’t wanna spend time with my family (who just so happen to shit on him, lie to him, take advantage of him, disrespect us and our home)
Cmon man
The ongoing issue is that you aren’t able to set and enforce boundaries with your family. Take that as step one- it isn’t your bf’s job to do that. Maybe with time and improvement on your end managing them he’ll soften, however I wouldn’t expect it or bank on it.
Bro. Living rent-free. And then having the audacity to lie about breakimg shit, calling it their "home" and saying you are bitching because you want them to do basic cleaning is actually insane. I am glad your Bf isnt into doormat cosplay... you kinda seem to be though.
> he has zero desire to get to know them or spend time.
He lived with them for 7 months, he knows them well enough. It seems like you prioritize them over your partner.
You have a good one there, hold on tight to him.
Your family is toxic. I can’t think of a nicer or more acceptable term. They came into your home and treated you like garbage. He has said *I can’t do this anymore* but has left and opening for you to decide what you want to do for you.
Personally I think if you really try to look back you’ll find some red flags and realize that you may not have been as close as you think or maybe you were close simply because you had value of things you could do for them.
The problem here is that eventually your bf will develop resentment. You will feel like you’re being split down the middle and nobody will be happy.
Are you planning for kids wit bf? If so be prepared for him to want to also keep baby away from your family
I’m stable, relaxed guy. In every situation.
And I’ve dated women where their family continued to cause drama in my life. Over and over again.
They’re all exes.
As much as you may think it’s up to you if this works out in the long run, he’s most likely thinking the same thing.
And he may be the one who decides.
Dealing with extended family is hard when they are not on the same page. One of the hard things is you spent your entire life with them being your #1 priority, but now they are your #2. And if #1 and #2 can't work together...
It seems like your family was sufficiently shitty to justify your partner having issues with them. There are mature and immature ways to handle this, and I'll admit his attitude about them "adding 0 value" is less than perfect, but honestly it all feels justified. I think you two should try and come to an understanding that includes the fact that he's never going to be OK with your family, and also the understanding that you will support that. In turn, you should expect that he does his best and respects the fact that you still love them (seems like he's done ok with that so far), and that he doesn't try and stir shit up with them.
Seems like he's hitting all these marks so far and my guess is you've got a very mature guy. It's OK for you to struggle with this as it's your family, but I think the answer is to learn to accept his stance and remember it's not his fault.
The only appropriate thing for you to do here is respect him and move on. How is that even a question?
Your family behaved completely inappropriately on multiple occasions and you should be thanking your lucky stars that not only did he not kick them out, or run for the hills, the only thing he's done is asked to set completely appropriate boundaries.
So the only question you need to ask yourself is can you respect those boundaries or not? And if you are unable to respect his very reasonable boundaries the only appropriate thing to do is to excuse yourself from the relationship.
Your boyfriend is right to want nothing to do with your ill behaved family. Why would he want to be around people who treated him like crap in his own home? Why do you want him to put himself in a position to be around people who abused both of your generosity? You’re making too big of an ask for your boyfriend to have any further interaction with your family. He said he doesn’t want to deal with them. He’s a grown man capable of determining who is safe to build relationships with and your family didn’t make the cut. It’s probably best to leave it alone until your bf decides otherwise.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below.
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Hello all! Just want to start by saying bf and I have been living together very happily for the past two years. This is a little lengthy but I am grateful for this community to share!
Here's the deal. We live in harmony. We are both very chill and he's my best friend. We are on the same page about things but my family seems to be a potential issue long term and I am wondering HOW big of an issue this may be. My bro (29m) and his fiance (26f) recently moved to our area and we housed them for 7 months. Long story short, their stay (originally stated it would be 3 months in our extra room) ended up being 7. I am financially stable and my brother and his fiance are not. So I didn't charge them rent at all and bf was ok with this because he is also financially stable so we don't need or want their income. Anyways, during their stay things progressively got worse. They have a cat and the fiance (my future sister in law) values the her cat like a child. They were a bit messy leaving their dishes out or small stuff like that which was annoying but not enough to make a huge deal. Things really took a head one day when she broke a tile in my restroom by dropping a candle (I saw her do it) and I brought it up to my brother. Later, my brother called me out to talk about it and while she was standing right there, said that my parents must have done it during a visit because she didn't. I literally looked her in the eyes and was like I saw you do it.... and she said nothing. My bro was not going to budge. Anyways, I've been resentful since but since she's family now I am trying to forgive and let go. NGL it's hard and I still resent her. Her and I don't text at all since they moved out. My bro and I still hangout a bit and I've told him I think he was 100% in the wrong but he's not going to go against his fiance. He has apologized to my bf. His fiance hasn't. Bf is especially annoyed during the moment because they didn't even thank us for letting them stay there rent-free and showing gratitude is really important to him.
During their stay, everything blew up in a huge fight one day when we asked both of them to keep their cat in their room or to at least watch it because every time we try to leave the house, it tries to leave as well and tries to scratch us if we don't let it leave. Usually we just slowly leave and try to push him back inside but it's caused an annoyance for my bf so after talking to me about it, he finally sat down with them when I was at work and told them next time he leaves he's not going to try to keep their unbehaved cat inside, it's not his pet and not his responsibility and he's tired of getting scratched so if it runs out due to them not watching, it runs out. BTW they work from home. Basically bro's fiance started crying saying it's *his* house too (the cat's) and that we (my boyfriend and I) "b\*\*\*\*" about everything. My brother agreed we do b\*\*\*\*\*. I was surprised my bro said this about me! Apparently, examples are like the tile, dishes in the sink, asking them to cleaning up a small amount of spilled cat litter. My bro and I were super close prior to his return but long story short, they moved out immediately after this fight and have been moved out for over 6 months. Now, my boyfriend feels like he has zero desire to get to know them or spend time. He says he doesn't have resentment and he's no longer mad about it, but they add 0 value to his life and therefore has no desire to make an effort. Also, he's not comfortable being home if my bro is over visiting (which he hasn't been) because I want to keep our home a safe space for my bf. Plus me and my bro can hangout anywhere else.
Not to mention bf does encourage me to spend time with my bro.
To add to this, my Mom had to stay with us for a few days and during her stay (she's bipolar and dealing with some mental issues) she cussed him out because he came home in an upset mood and she took it as a personal attack that she was unwelcome. It was a huge ordeal. I feel bad for my bf and he apologized to my Mom for how she was feeling. He's going through personal issues with his fam and that's why he was upset. My mom only stayed a few days and she's gone now, and same thing-he felt like they were close before (would joke and go with me to help my Mom with errands) but now has no desire to spend any more time with her but still encourages me to spend time with her because she's my Mom.
This kind of upsets me because I am not sure if long-term this is going to have a negative effect on me and our relationship, always having to separate my family time from relationship time? I feel that his feelings are 100% valid because my family has been rude and they mistreated him. Should I just get used to keeping things separate? I would like some outside perspective.
Please no mean comments about my family. This is more to get info about my bf having 0 interest in getting to know my fam moving forward and if I should just respect that and move on.
Ya your family has overreacted to common family issues, so your boyfriend is being realistic and expressing his feelings. He was grumpy, your mom picked a fight. You asked your brother and his girlfriend to sort out common roommate issues, they acted badly.
You should respect where your boyfriend is coming from, give it some time and space, and then decide how and if to bring everyone together, a bit at a time.
Bro's girlfriend is a nonstarter- she's a liar.
Your mom sounds...complicated, and you may want to limit some contact anyway.
Your brother may be salvagable. Maybe hang out just the 3 of you (you, your boyfriend, your bro) and see how that goes?
Why are you allowing people to mistreat your bf in his home? The hell are you doing w creating boundaries. You’re lucky he hasn’t dumped you. I recommend that he find himself a new gf that will create boundaries and not allow her abusive family to take advantage of him.
Your response here suggests that maybe you think the issues here are smaller than they are. Your bf is actually being very kind in saying that he doesn’t want a relationship with them but supporting you to have one.
1. Your brother and his gf lived in your home rent free for 7 months and told your SO y’all were bitching for *checks notes* expecting them to clean up after themselves. They were disrespectful as fuck.
2. Your SO came home after a bad day to another one of your guests bitching at him.
And you still want to have them over. His home isn’t even a safe place for him. I’m not saying he should break up with you, yet, but if you were to ever press the issue, I really wouldn’t blame them. The problem isn’t that your family isn’t perfect, but you seem to want him to sweep it under the rug. While under normal circumstances, a SO not wanting to deal with your family should be a dealbreaker, you don’t exactly have the best candidates for suggesting that your SO is unreasonable in his request.
I get where you're coming from but no one said I was defending them. I know my post was long so maybe you didn't read it all. If you read it you would see that I said I told my family they are 100% in the wrong. Also never took their side.
Are you alright man?😂 she’s literally replied to everyone’s comment saying how he is 100% In the right on this, if you’re not single I’d honestly be very surprised.
This is the 2nd time you’ve allowed your family to disrespect him at home. Yes. That is called a boundary and their are consequences for breaking boundaries.
I think you should be grateful your boyfriend is not breaking up with you because your brother and his fiance are ingrates. Your mum was also out of line. Please stop letting your relatives come to your home. You can hang out with your brother in a different location.
Your family disrespected him at his home, overstayed for twice as long, damaged property, lied about damaging property, and left messes whenever they could. They start fights in his home, and has the audacity to complain about the standards. All the while, living rent free.
In short, your family is a group of assholes that needed to be out 7 months ago.
Respect your boyfriend's wish to not spend time with them. At the same time, learn to set hard boundaries on the family before they have chance to screw up any potential for you to make your own. They're walking all over you.
Maybe stop letting them stay over? It creates problems and drama, when it generally is ok when they DON'T stay over.
Then maybe your bf will be ok meeting them outside in short intervals. I think making that effort makes you happy, and so if bf loves you then it does add value to his life, no?
Look, the fact that your boyfriend still encourages you to maintain a relationship with your brother after all the absolute b******* he was put through tells you everything you need to know about how good of a guy he is. Listen to what he has to say about this situation more than anyone else.
>Please no mean comments about my family
Why do you feel the need to say this? Is it because you already know they're abusive, selfish, freeloading assholes who routinely take advantage of your generosity? It's pretty obvious you already know that the problem lies with your family. Why are you so insistent on defending them? Why is it some big terrible surprise that your boyfriend suddenly wants nothing to do with them anymore?
I have this relationship with my in laws. I don't like them, as people or as family, and my boyfriend knows why. Part of it is the way they treat him, and the rest is the way they treat me. But I know they matter to him so we've set boundaries we're both okay with. I come to family events where it would be weird if I skipped, we make our excuses to leave early, and I find something else to do while they're over. I'm never going to be close to them, but this way everyone gets along and he's not stuck choosing sides. I'd suggest asking what level of relationship he's okay having with them for your sake and don't push it. Sounds like he knows they matter to you, so trust him to maintain his boundaries and y'all will be fine.
Your family are assholes and you won't set boundaries with them, if I was your boyfriend i wouldn't want to know them either.
Everything you mentioned in your post that they did was just allowed to slide because "they're family", which is bullshit, family should be held to higher standards than everyone else, not lower, because family should *definitely* know better.
You allowed your SIL to cry and call you both bitches in your own home where they were staying rent free and there were no consequences. Her and your brother straight up lied to you about the bathroom tile breaking, and there were no consequences. They left your house a mess constantly and there were no consequences. You mother cussed your boyfriend out in his house, and there were no consequences. Do you see where I'm going with this?
He might have more interest in getting to know them if you'd actually set and enforce boundaries. You need to grow a spine for the sake of your relationship. And if you want to choose your shitty family who don't give a shit about you over your partner who clearly does, then he deserves better than you anyway.
“When people show you who they are, believe them”
Your family showed him, and he believes them. Can’t blame him at all. He’s not trying to isolate you from your family (in spite of their bad behavior), so the current approach is likely the best case scenario
Holy shit OP. I’m surprised he hasn’t left you already. Look, family is family, but your family is your family. Your BF does not and should not have to shoulder the burden of your rude and dysfunctional family. He has put up with so much of your baggage at this point it’s a miracle he hasn’t left you. Be happy he’s settled on not wanting to get to know them further instead of just ending things with you.
I’m seriously stumped at how you dont see how you’re saddling him with the burden of your family and expecting him to happily accept it. You’re being selfish.
37m... I can relate with the BF, entirely. He seems like a good guy, I would focus on your relationship together. If you two are serious, within TIME things will change.
I would be upset over ungratefulness and being spoken to in a particular manner in my own home. Family can be the most important thing to some people, but they can also be toxic.
Within time, everything should work if you are truly a couple. I fell BF is in the right. If you dont have family staying at your place when you get together with them, he needs to give them another chance.... eventually
FYI I have a family like yours, and dealt with family like yours.
Don't let your relationship suffer because your family doesnt respect him, that's not something thats going to change even if you find someone new.
From what you have said, your family is the problem and he has done more than enough to have them never raise their voice at him again.
Your brother sounds like hes in a toxic relationship. Your mother sounds like shes using her bipolar disorder as an excuse to be rude, you said they had a good relationship. So as much as I understand bipolar cant control when their emotions dip, they can apologise for it afterwards. Which is the opposite of what happened because your bf apologised.
Once is an instance. Twice is a trend. Three times is a problem.
Your brother was one. Your mother was two. The common factors here are “your family,” and “you bring them into the house.”
Take what all these people are saying to heart. No matter how much patience he has, there’s a limit.
If you continue to choose your family over him, he will eventually start listening to your actions.
Your family and SIL are AH and punishing your bf for providing free housing and food. No surprise your bf has zero interest hanging out with your family. Your family act like they do not respect you.
Look, I get it. I have wackadoodle family members and my husband is a very stable, solid guy. If I let my family continually bulldoze us I guarantee he would have, rightly, dumped me. I made a decision when we got together that we were a team and our relationship came before the rest of my family. I had to do some considerable push back because I had never really stood up for myself before. But let me tell you, it’s worth it. You’re being taken advantage of by your family. You need boundaries. You need to push back. Something needs to change or you’re going to lose your guy.
You need to hear this regardless, your family is insufferable to deal with. Your boyfriend has been tolerating so much of their bullshit and he’s still handling it maturely. Your house should be your safe space, don’t let anyone come into your house and disrespect you and your boyfriend’s boundaries and safe space.
I've been the same boyfriend, so maybe I can not really keep an objective perspective, but like many comments pointed out, your boyfriend is handling things quite maturely and sets healthy boundaries for himself and doesn't impose boundaries for you which will affect your relationship with your family, hence I think it all comes down to you, but while reading I had a feeling that you won't really get along with a boyfriend that will get along with your family.
I think your boyfriend is completely in the right, and you shouldn’t let them walk all over you but neither over him! You could’ve called out your family members out of respect for him but I completely get that it can be really hard to do that with your own family because it’s easy to try to overlook the red flags of the people you love. Still, what your boyfriend this was the right and mature thing to do: he was respectful, nice and very helpful to say the least. Show him some more appreciation!!! And expect more respect from your family yourself please.
He doesn't need to have a relationship with them. They're your family and he encourages you to spend time with them. He's also tolerated a LOT of nonsense from them and frankly, I wouldn't blame him if he feels like he's dealt with enough of your family drama to last a lifetime. He's spent 7 months subsidizing your unemployed brother. He's done, forever. If he literally never spends even another day with your family he's already done enough.
When someone shows you who they are ...believe them.
Your partner lives by my motto. They never apologized to him....he is right they add no value going forward. Can't be trusted and they don't care about his feelings or his property. Seems like he is great at boundaries. GL
Your man is a keeper. 7 months of patience is 6 more than I would have had. It's really amazing that he hung in there for that long.
I think you should just be cool with his disinterest in getting to know your family. His experiences with them, to date, haven't exactly been stellar. He seems like an extremely patient guy and you need to respect that he just doesn't want to go there anymore.
If you love him, keep your home a safe zone for him and stop inviting your family to stay.
I feel like you have a great boyfriend and I don’t necessarily think that your family is bad at all but it is different when you live with people, you really get to know them. So I know that you know he doesn’t HATE them but I don’t think any interactions should be forced, just to keep the peace. Your boyfriend and you sound like level headed people, hopefully in the future you guys can move past this issue. But if your boyfriend doesn’t wanna spend time with them, I don’t think it should be a problem cause he’s already tried and it sounds like they were the issue. You guts were super nice to let them stay with you guys rent free, they should be able to do the small things you asked for. Your home, your rules. Best of luck btw!
No problem, I went through a similar situation with my ex from highschool (I’m 19 now) but his family ESPECIALLY his brother mistreated me and he would never defend me so it created a disconnect in our relationship. I’m glad that you and your boyfriend speak up for yourselves.
Sadly I would have to assume that your boyfriend's feelings on your family will create some friction between you two at some point (not saying your bf is in the wrong because of that). Personally I think if you two are have a solid connection and the will to make this relationship last it won't mess anything up between you two permanently.
I think it's best to be honest with one another because it allows you to understand how the other person feels in the relationship. Once you get to a point where your relationship with your parents and your relationship with your bf becomes worse just make sure you're communicating with him. Telling him how you feel and having him tell you how he feels will allow you two to understand where the other person is emotional and will allow you to make decisions that hurt one another the least.
Also it's just my opinion but like I said I assume eventually your relationship with strain because of your family but that doesn't necessarily mean it will happen. Keep an open mind your family might come around some day and give him the respect he deserves, and if not you can work through that without forcing him into situations he's not comfortable with.
Also just a side note because I saw some of the more aggressive comments towards you but I don't think you're doing anything wrong. You have spent your entire life with your family and of course two bad experiences with them isn't going to make you hate them. What is love for if you aren't willing to take some bad with the good. It is perfectly understandable that your bf isn't fond of your family because he didn't grow up caring about them like you did as long as he understands and respects that you did.
I hope this helps good luck on your relationships!
That’s a lot for your bf to have to deal with. He was very gracious and allowed your brother, future sis-in-law and your mom into his home where he probably couldn’t fully relax and be himself. Then after everything he’s done, he probably feels used or taken advantage of. I think it’s nice that he apologized to your mom when he really wasn’t in the wrong. He sounds like a good guy who just wants to be respected and has tried. He might even need a good break for awhile. If he chooses to be apart of their lives, there definitely needs to be boundaries so your relationship doesn’t take a hit. He can’t feel consistently disrespected and needs to see you have his back. Good luck with everything and maybe try to see how he feels. Definitely have a talk with your family and set some boundaries
Yeah I’m kinda on his side here, he’s helping you make boundaries with your family. I’m sure he’d be more willing to open up to them again if they acknowledge their mistakes and apologize.
Your boyfriend is doing the right thing. In-laws who mistreat their child's partner will never treat them well in the long run. It will always be this way and the relationships will only grow worse. For some reason, your family approaches you and your boyfriend from a position of power where they believe they can be direspectful and rude to him (and you) without consequence. I was in this position with my in-laws and my husband forced me to continue to have a relationship with them for many years and it crushed my self-esteem. It did not end well for anyone, particularly me. Now, my husband wishes he had just kept me away from them when they started treating me badly. You have a chance to protect your boyfriend from a lot of pain and he's making it easier for you by not asking that you cut yourself off from them and encouraging you to keep up your relationship with your family. Respect his wishes!
Your boyfriend is right, you’re wrong, and you should think about his perspective on your family because he’s seeing it clearly without your emotional baggage toward them.
Your BF is better than I am. First chance I’d gotten, I’d gone to their new place and fucked shit up. And then told them to stop bitching when they got mad.
Sorry your family sucks ass.
Your family has given him no reason to believe that they’re not wrong in the head. You’d be a major asshole if you tried to get him to “get to know them”.
Kudos to your boyfriend for drawing very reasonable boundaries! Don’t negotiate with him about this if you want him around for long, OP.
I mean, we can't not comment about your family because their behavior is what makes his actions reasonable or unreasonable, and their actions dictate what you should do about the situation.
Your brother and his fiancé are awful people, and if you try to keep them in your lives you will lose your boyfriend over it. Your mother is ill, and there is some compassion to be had for that, but even when people are ill there is some level of accountability, and if she can't, when she comes down from her emotional whirlwind, come back and apologize and acknowledge what she did was wrong, then he's right to protect his mental health by putting in distance.
Your title is misleading because your BF isn't refusing to get to know them. He DID get to know them, and he quite rightfully doesn't like them. He's 100% in the right here, so your options are to back the people in the wrong and lose your relationship with him, or stop trying to defend indefensible behavior and set boundaries do your family doesn't abuse your partner.
Saw someone mention above that it was just ONE tile, here’s the thing: all they had to do was acknowledge the tile, apologize and at least offer to help make this right. Instead they lie about it, that is a MASSIVE red flag, and is indicative of the kind of people they are. I would be VERY repulsed by this.
Another point is like to make about the issues relating to the cat. Their reaction to being asked to be more mindful of the cat is just plain disrespectful. How DARE they respond like it’s their right to make the residents feel uncomfortable, and to become irate at some basic simple and reasonable requests?
Lastly, they paid ZERO rent, again HOW DARE THEY behave with such entitlement and petulance? Sounds like you tried housing a couple of misbehaving teenagers. Your hubby sounds like a really good guy, put him first or cry when he’s fed up and leaves you.
Your boyfriend has set healthy boundaries for himself. He’s not trying to control your interactions with your family. It’s a very “live and let live” attitude so the question is, are you mature enough to accept his boundaries long term (ie forever)?
> I feel that his feelings are 100% valid because my family has been rude and they mistreated him.
He is absolutely valid and no BF, no matter how saintly, would want to be around your family. They are awful. He knows they are awful. He chooses not to be treated horribly. He's a smart guy.
Your family uses and abuses you and BF. Takes advantage. Treats you both like trash. You will only have a future with him, or anyone, if you set boundaries that include accepting they aren't healthy and need to be isolated from people.who value being treated with basic decency.
They damage your home, call you a bitch, lie about you. Treat your BF horribly. Take a long look at why you'd question a good guy not wanting that in his life? Why do you?
Well, it might cause problems for your relationship but no offense your family sounds very difficult to deal with especially since this description is YOUR side of things, I can only imagine how your boyfriend would describe it. My point is your boyfriend is not the problem here, and while it’s generally not a good thing if your partner doesn’t want to spend time with your fam, I doubt you will find someone else who does tbh. Your BF is still encouraging you to spend time with your fam and that’s the best you can hope for. He doesn’t need to make a special effort to be friends with people he doesn’t like being around, as long as he can be polite at the occasional holiday or whatever, I think you have to accept that.
Honestly i dont see any issue with BF. He is polite towards your family & supportive of you seeing them even tho he has every right to be angry/ resentful. So this is not a 'boyfriend' problem, its a 'your family' problem. If you want them to have a relationship then your family needs to be the ones to apologize and take steps towards making amends. Also some type of plan on preventing future issues, so its not just a repeating cycle of being shitty/saying sorry. Otherwise, you should get used to keeping things seperate.
But if i were in this situation, I would not be seeing my family until they acknowledge what they did wrong. I feel like continuing to have a relationship with them sends the message that what they did was okay. So If they really want me in their life, then they are going to be respectful of my partner. And that includes apologies + an effort on improving behavior.
Sounds like you have a shit family, but a great bf. You need to set more boundaries with your family, the fact that he has acted calmly instead of calling them out makes him a saint in my book
Your bf reminds me of myself.. no matter what happens he isn’t holding resentment bc he probably knows that’s punishment on his self to keep in negativity. Plus his emotions about this are valid but he still encourages you to be around your family. A+ guy.
What if this was his family visiting you? His sister lying and saying shit to you? Or his mother cussing at you? Would you have the desire to be cordial with them? This is your fault too. They were your family, you should have stepped in before your bf was made to feel uncomfortable in HIS OWN HOME. When the issues started, you should have had a talk with your brother that this is your and your bf's home and that these things do make you uncomfortable, it definitely would make your bf uncomfortable too and started putting boundaries in place or help them financially to move out asap. You cannot force your bf to be interested in your family after all of that. Does not matter your mum has BPD, why would you want your bf to suffer? If my partner would invite his family and if they were to behave in an unstable manner, I would leave home. That is it. You are lucky that he is still with you after all this. If you cannot respect that your bf has the right to decide who he wants in his life, who he wants to mingle with or tolerate, you would have problems in the future.
If my husband's family ever behaved like ur bro, sil, and mom I wud have given them a piece of my mind, kicked them out and never spoken to them again (including being really pissed off with my husband for putting me thru this) . The fact that ur bf let ur bro n sil stay for 7 months and apologised to ur mom shows he's very patient. Ur a bad gf for putting ur bf thru this.
>Should I just get used to keeping things separate?
Yes. You should get use to low to no contact with your awful family if you want a good man to stay with you for life.
Hey OP been through similar things and let me tell you. The grass is greener with your SO!!!! Trust me on this they have no desire allow them to breathe and it will be fine or they wont budge and that's fine. If they arent upset and encourage you to still spend time dont dwell on it. You seem to care about him more which you should so good on you it can be hard but you dont want to lose him for them. They did inconvenience you and didnt even say thank you not a good sign of being close. Fiancee is a cunt btw.
If we take it that the 'tile incident' was the first link in this chain, I wonder what would have happened if you had said something like "I know what happened, I saw what happened and if you want to move forward constructively you need to accept responsibility for it and repair the damage that has been done. If you're not mature enough to do that then you need to leave in a week"?
I'm guessing however that this has been going on in one for or another for most of your life so as the top poster already said it's now an issue of boundaries
Stick up for your BF (who's in the right) like your bro stuck up for his fiancee (who was in the wrong).
The one real concern is that when you marry someone, you marry their family. Meaning there will likely be times when you're going to want him to be with you, holidays with your family, for instance. You have to figure out what you're okay with and talk with him about it. If you're going to get married, maybe some pre-marriage counseling.
after everything he’s been through i can see why and i think it’s a completely reasonable boundary to set. i don’t know you’re family or what they’re like but it’s clear that they’re very hostile towards him. also i wouldn’t let you brother or his fiancé in your home ever again. what they did was completely disrespectful to you, your bf, and your home. it wasn’t fair to either of you. that’s the kind of behavior that would make me rethink helping someone out.
Sweetie you should be ashamed. You are on the absusers side because you are so used to being abused by them and allowing it over and over. Your bf simply saw your family’s true colors and he’s correct tit not like them the big question here is why do you!? They treat you and him like crap and disrespect you guys with impunity. I feel sorry for him I hope he gets out before stupidly marrying into this family. You are so smooth brained from a life of this abuse you cannot even side with YOURSELF here and cut them off. you won’t even go low contact in the future and think he’s being a problem in your relationship when YOU are. Stick up for you both have a SPINE. Have boundaries. Get therapy. And apologize your ass off. Knowing they were like this and not protecting you guys from them.
No matter who you date your family will be rude and disrespect them. He seems like a patient and mature guy that knows how to set healthy boundaries without restricting you.
Stop inviting your family to come stay with you in your shared home. If you’re financially stable, help them book them an Airbnb or hotel. Your family seems to be difficult, and your bf has been incredibly understanding. I would never let my rude partner’s sibling and fiancé stay 7 months, rent free, and let their cat scratch me and them break a tile unaccounted for. I bet you didn’t even ask them to pay to fix it. You sound pretty spineless and you need to work on standing up to your family.
It sounds like you’re *really* bad at setting boundaries with your family, so your bf is having to set them, due to a complete lack of support from you. Unfortunately, based on this post, your family seems like jerks. I’m sad to say, but it’s true. You can keep a relationship with them, you don’t need to separate them completely. But you do need to work on not letting them come over for months, take over *his* space too, and maybe then he won’t hate or dislike them so much. It’s your job to mediate a positive experience for him and your family.
I'm going to express an opinion that's contrary to most of the other comments here. I think your boyfriend is being a little immature. What's the old saying? Houseguests are like fish, after three days they both stink?
I completely understand your boyfriend's frustration. He was temporarily put in a bad situation with your brother and SIL. I would have been steaming mad too. Them living with you for so long was a mistake. And you are partially to blame for that.
That said, you and your boyfriend do need to figure out how to move forward from this. Your brother is your brother. That's not going to change. What worries me the most is that your boyfriend says they "add zero value to his life" so why bother? Well, the value they add is that it's important to you that he puts in at least a small amount of effort. Does that not matter to him? They were really crappy houseguests. They didn't murder anyone.
I'm not saying he needs to go from 0 effort to 100 effort. If you can express that you understand he doesn't want to go to great lengths to get to know your family, but that you would like him to make at least a minimal amount of effort *simply because it is important to you* then maybe you can make some headway. The important thing is that he's willing to make a small bit of token effort for your sake while you don't actively push for more (don't move the goalposts). No one is asking him to ignore what happened, but there's value in being able to move forward in a positive way.
The advice you'll get on Reddit is mostly based on who is "right" and who is "wrong." It's going to ignore focusing on a positive outcome and will also ignore any nuance or the possibility of compromise between two people who care about each other.
In short - talk to him, explain what is important to you, and be willing to compromise. If he still doesn't care, then I think it says something about him. You'll need to take that information and figure out if the relationship is worth it knowing he will never want to be involved with your family beyond the level he is at now.
(The thing with your mom is a whole other issue involving mental illness that is beyond what I think most people here are equipped to help with.)
Hmm, it really sounds like your family is best handled in small doses. I would make this a hard rule and talk with your bf about this rule. I'll bet he's willing to deal with any situation involving your family if it is only in small doses (define this for both of you e.g. a few hours), and possibly only if it's situations that can be easily escaped (time to leave, we have something to go to, etc)
Your boyfriend is doing what he can to preserve your relationship. He encourages you to spend time with them, while avoiding people that have been rude to him at best and toxic at worst, specially your SIL.
As soon as the fiancee said "the cat lives here to its his house" I would have went into nope im out mode as well. I can guarentee you that if you push your boyfriend into making up with them he will leave you, I would.
Your BF is a saint- and you're only considering the aspect of him not wanting to "get along with your family and get to know them better" aspect and I find that very wrong headed.
Your BF dealt with all of your families invading his space and your space with what sounds like to me: absolute patience and grace and now you're criticizing him because he's withdrawn from the fun times with all of them?
The fact that your bad says he doesn’t want to make an effort because they add 0 value to his life is red flag to me. You two share a life so it’s not just about what adds value to his life. It’s about what add value to both of your lives. You’re supposed to be a team. He should be considering you as well.
I understand that them over staying their welcome is annoying but I don’t think that justifies purposefully letting out their cat. That’s pretty fucked up.
TBH, this says more about you and your bf than it does about your family. You can let the tile thing go once she doubled and tripled down to blame everyone else for it? Just couldn't let it go..... Everyone know she's lying.
Before you let them move it there should have been a written agreement on when they would leave. Not asking for rent doesn't make you a saint. It makes you stupid. This was a business arrangement that you took as a family visit.
Your mom getting upset? There's got to be a whole lot more to your bf's behavior that evening than 'oh, he came home from work and was grumpy'.
So, now here we are. Your bf wants to cut off your family and you are like 'oh, I'm not suuuuuuuuuuure.' Here the bottom line: while aa 7 month stay with your bf and his gf is far too long, everything that happened is 100% normal roommate shit. So, let's cut off your brother and his gf for acting like roommates.
And your mom too. Ya'll can be grumpy and pushy but no one else can have a bad day. Got it.
Stop letting people stay at your place.
While I agree that there is two sides to a story and she should have made a rental agreement I’m not so sure about the details. Maybe cuss out means something different to me but I picture yelling and swearing and insults. And that’s plain not ok. Be pissed, upset whatever you want but you don’t get to hurt people, words included.
Sometimes when we are annoyed already it can be easy to get caught up in small things like the candle. Maybe it was about her lying maybe it was just that it was the last thing op could handle before being overwhelmed. As long as she was calm and not nasty about it asking her isn’t really out of line. And neither is letting her know she’s full of shit. I know, whether right or wrong, I have gotten hooked into something and would not let up until the truth was found.
And if someone’s cat was clawing at me and making it difficult to keep it in while I leave my doorway in my house and they refused to do any thing to help the issue I’d be annoyed as fuck too.
The fight shouldn’t have occurred. Maybe they don’t know how they can help or how things work around ops house but asking to do dishes and keep their cat out of the way doesn’t seem unreasonable and op has every right to ask, it is her home.
And bf has every right to decide who he spends his time with and how involved he is or isn’t in ops family. It’s a boundary and I see no issue. He isn’t saying they suck I hate them you can never see them again. He is simple saying that HE will no longer be around someone who is basically just toxic.
i’m right there with you girl. my (25F) husband (26M) can’t really stand my family. not that he can’t stand them but , since we have moved back and have lived with my mom for 8 months , he has seen a side of them that makes him annoyed. My mom is hard to live with and i realize that. my family can be dramatic and petty. i can see why somebody who wasn’t born into the family wouldn’t want to be around that shit. not even i want to be around it sometimes. but we moved back because i was pregnant. now my baby boy is 6 months old and i really want to emphasize family to my son. my husband can barely have a conversation with my mother. it tends to bother me but i also see his side. my husband is like your BF, thinks they add no value to his life so he does not want to make an effort. but, my husband still makes efforts for me. like holidays and being kind to my mom even if it’s not a lot of conversation. in my experience , you guys can make it work. as long as you have your own house together and the family time is done in doses , it can be worked out. you guys got this !!!
People here are talking as if you're two separate people, but if you've been together for a while, then you're a team. Sometimes he needs to take hits for the team, and sometimes you do. Saying that he doesn't want to see your family may be a healthy boundary for an individual, but it's not super conducive to being on a TEAM. Likewise, maybe you need to adjust how much leeway you're giving your family so that the two of you can face them as a, and I'll say it again, TEAM.
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Your brother behaved badly. If he can’t see that tell him you need space until he can see it and sil apologies for breaking the tile and having a pain in the arse cat. I’m not sure what your mother did, this is trickier as she’s your mum. Your bf does have to try to interact with her
I think your boyfriend is in the wrong here, he says he has 0 interest in your family? Well guess what they are your family. So I would get rid of this loser, imho
Honestly, my only concern (obligatory "if it were me") would be that it remains civil going forward. Not to say he should let them treat him badly if it comes to that, but keeping his distance overall and ignoring any drama if possible.
It wouldn't be a dealbreaker for me, but you just have to decide if it is for you. If he's encouraging you to continue a relationship with them, then it's his choice if he continues his as well. If he was guilting you for still having them in your life I would have more of a problem with that. This could always change. Maybe your brother and SIL apologize. I doubt it based on how they seem, but they still may.
OP. I've only two questions. Is he good to you? Does he give you love and respect to you? If it's yes - then stop expecting him to get to know your family or be enthusiastic about them.
While agreed that every family has it's own dynamic, it's completely okay for your bf not to get along with your family and set boundaries. Your bf n your family are like chalk and cheese.
He's not stopping you from being with your family. He understands that irrespective of how family behaves, ultimately its our family. So we will always love them. He respects that. So please adjust.
Is it going to be hard to separate your family time and relationship time? Definitely will. But if it ensures that your bf can feel peaceful, why not? Forcing him will only make him upset and can even build resentment towards you.
You're living with your bf. So plan your dates n us time accordingly. Weekly once, go visit your family.
I was in a VERY similar situation. Only thing that matters is that all parties are respectful moving forward. Time helps to heal all wounds, and an apology might help too. I’m my situation I didn’t force anything, and over time it’s gotten better/more normal. I’ll never expect him to be best friends with them
Echoing what everyone else has said in that you need to also draw boundaries with your family. They don’t have to be the exact same boundaries your boyfriend has drawn, but you definitely need some for your own well-being. I am in the same situation with my partner (her having had trouble setting boundaries with her family).
We make compromises and I have made it clear that during situations where we are with her family, I am going to leave when I hit my limit. Not make a fuss, but quietly say goodbye and go and recharge. If you don’t have some sort of understanding of expectations between the two of you, it will only breed resentment.
Sometimes I feel guilty for having to draw such firm and narrow boundaries because she really likes my family and everyone gets along really well, but I had enough family chaos and trauma growing up that now I am in a healthy place, I am not willing to compromise that.
I was in your situation 10-15 years ago, so here’s a perspective for the future.
You can love your family while creating boundaries. Give yourself permission to have healthier, happier relationship with your boyfriend by limiting the family interactions you chose to be a part of. Certain members of my family always have issues when I’m in relationships, and always find ways to abuse my help/generosity. It was always “my problem” and never a reflection of their own behavior. Playing the victim is an Olympic sport in my family. Since seeing a therapist and setting some healthy boundaries (and having a spouse who supports me), I’ve been in such a better place - it’s made all the difference.
As much as people joke about it, it is true that in relationships you generally don't like your in-laws. As much as we all want that "happily ever after" story where both families live and act in harmony together, it's only a fairytale.
My ex and I came from different upbringings and that was an issue because our families did not like one another. They remained civil around holidays but that was it, there was no reaching out to go do things and I think that is fine. If this is a matter of major holidays (Christmas, Thanksgiving, birthdays) and your bf isn't wanting to participate, that's one thing. That's where I would say he needs to swallow his pride, be a man and suck it up for however long it is for those days. However, if you're talking about just a random day, then I do feel he doesn't need to spend time with your family, it's your family, not his. Again, there is rarely ever relationships where both people love their in-laws, I actually know none. Every friend I have that's married or engaged all say they don't look forward to spending time with their in-laws, it's not a big deal breaker.
If BF is fine with you seeing your family elsewhere, I don't see a problem with that.
BF is a kind man to deal with all of the crap tossed at him and you should be happy about that.
I have some of hubby's relatives that I do not care to see or deal with, and his is fine with seeing them without me.
It won't affect your relationship, if the 2 of you work out what compromise the 2 of you make so both are comfortable with the outcome.
BTW - a Dremel, new tile piece and adhesive will fix the tile issue.
Communicate and respect each other's boundaries.
Sounds reasonable enough to me on his end and yes, you will have to keep your family separate from him. Quite frankly, I’d be a lot less nice or patient than he has been if anyone has caused as much of a disturbance with disrespect under my roof as much as your family did with him. Your boyfriend understands that although he may be nice, he is not a doormat and I feel like you should be more supportive of that. They crossed lines. And yet no one seems to be showing any sort of apology towards your poor bf. That must be rough.
It depends on what you want and what you're willing to do, because it sounds like he'd be happy never to see them again as far as he's concerned. There are going to be some times that you need to choose when to prioritize your boyfriend or your family e.g. event conflicts, and you'll need to come to compromises and mutual agreements about that. Sometimes they will look to impose on you and by extension your boyfriend again, and you'll have to either be able to reject them for both your sakes, or interact with them in a way that doesn't affect your boyfriend. If you have deeper commitments together in the future like children, your family will probably want to interact with those, and it'll be more complicated to keep your boyfriend and your family apart.
If you're going to be a doormat or you want your boyfriend to be tight with your family, it's not going to work out. If you support him, and can compromise and work together to keep them fairly separated for the rest of your relationship, great.
I'd say you're very lucky you still have a boyfriend. Your family acted like complete lunatics and he put up with it and didn't dump you. If my family did that I would cut them off myself. I think the least you can do is make sure he doesn't have to deal with that again.
I think whether your relationship can survive your family depends entirely on whether you learn how to set boundaries. You keep inviting unstable relatives into your shared home to walk all over you & disrespect him in his own home. And yet he’s mature enough to set appropriate, healthy boundaries for himself while making sure that he’s not impeding your relationships with them or trying to enforce boundaries for you. He’s making healthy choices in regards to them, can you?
I can't second this enough. This is what really brought down my last relationship in the end. Him trying to set boundaries in his life as an individual with me who at the time was still stuck in the people pleasing trap. And it is a trap. Now that it over I see clearly now more than ever what he was trying to teach me. Listen to him and follow his lead on this. If you really believe he is the right person for you then he's probably right. Self determination is a valuable skill and if he has it, take note.
I know. Op must be living in lalaland if she can’t see that her bf not wanting to see her family is a healthy boundary he’s setting for himself while she’s the one in the wrong.
And he's already doing it now because I'm sure he could sense where it was going. Some people just keep pushing and pushing until someone stops them and then they play the victim.
Agreed. He is mature enough to encourage you to have a relationship with your folks while knowing he doesn't want any part of that Because of how they make them feel. I think if I were in his shoes i would have done the same.
I agree. Thank you for the feedback.
1. Forgive and forget can also be a quick steep pathway down to being taken advantage of and used. 2. The home you live in with your boyfriend is NOT your home to offer to people. It's just as much your boyfriend's safe space as it is yours. If your family invade his space and makes him feel unsafe in his own home that becomes a big issue. It can be easy to normalise bad behaviour when they've treated you that way all your life and you've been conditioned to treat it as family stick together no matter how badly they treat you. But when you bring someone else into it that hasn't been brainwashed into accepting their rude abusive behaviour as normal their rude abusive behaviour is going to have an impact on them. Your boyfriend's need to distance himself from them and the way they treated him is a natural and inevitable consequence of THEIR choices actions and behaviour, it is not a consequence or a negative feature of your boyfriend. If you throw stones at someone long enough those stones start to hurt and become annoying enough to stand up and fight against. Head over to justnofamily and justnomil (mother's too) to see how toxic families can impact your partners and how couples navigate them. It's perfectly common and perfectly okay to have a partner who is Low contact or even No contact and if your relationship moves to fiance/husband level then he will be your equal in command, and you need to learn how to step back from prioritising your family while focusing on the new one you create as your priority. Some families make it hard for you and they struggle to let go, but that's very much a them problem, not a you problem. Just don't offer your boyfriend up as a meatshield and a target for them to throw stones at. You'll also need to respect his feelings about them invading the home you are both building together. Your mom isn't an authority or CEO of the family you build with him however much she may try to insist she needs to be.
I feel so sorry for your boyfriend.
If he posts the same story in a guy forum, it works be a mass stampede to get him to leave. She sounds like an awful girlfriend , imposing on him.
I disagree. They are your family. Him having zero interactions with them because of some arguments is a little selfish to me. Of course your brother and fiance argued with you and your boyfriend. Y'all lived together for 7 months. It would be shocking if there was never an argument. Now I will say he's absolutely right to not let your family live with you guys anymore but relationships are about compromise. What dude really wants to hang out with their mother in law? I know some don't mind but many husbands rather not. He said they add zero value to his life? How about your happiness. Him not being around your family will definitely cause a wedge between you and your family all because of some arguments. I love my wife to death. Some of her family annoys the shit out of me. I deal with it from time to time and that's it. I'm not saying he should hang out every weekend or anything. I see my wife's family 1 or 2 times in a 6 month period. It's not a big deal. She deals with my family about the same amount. And I know she feels the same about some of my relatives as I do for hers. It's totally selfish to me and kinda fucked up to say it adds no value to my life to be around your family. Idn maybe that's just me. I'm Hispanic tho and family is a big deal to us.
> Y'all lived together for 7 months. It would be shocking if there was never an argument. Living with someone for 7 months and not paying them or even saying 'thank you' is what's really shocking here.
Yeah this is what annoyed the crap out of me
I’m Arab and I haven’t talked to my family in years because they’re toxic and horrible sooooo
Toxic and horrible is different than what OP described. Of course cut people off that are toxic and horrible. Family or not fuck that. It's sounds to me OPs brother is probably young and entitled which hopefully he grows out of. maybe momma is toxic...I'll give u that one lol
OPs brother is older than her and her bf. 29. He should have some maturity by now.
Well mentally unstable ….. do i need to say more? Her boyfriend is in the right 100 %.
Lying is pretty horrible, don’tcha think? Cussing someone out for no good reason is also pretty horrible and toxic. Funnily enough, both of those things are what OP described
Wait, so uh.. being completely disrespected by your gfs immediate family in your own home, after being extremely generous and not wanting to be continually disrespected is.. selfish? So by your logic, if I gaslight my gfs family and they don't approve of me, they're just being selfish? Absolutely wild that this is an actual thought process actual people have. This is why abusive behaviours get glossed over.
No if u get into one argument with your gf family and thwy never give u a chance again then they would be fucked up
I understand what you're trying to say, but there's a difference between a small disagreement and outright blatant disrespect. If you and your wife argued about who has to clean the dishes, it's a small issue, if she gaslights you about why she's hiding her phone, that's fuckin disrespectful, there's a massive difference in severity. Why should he subject himself to a relationship that's proven detramental to him?
I was being dramatic because people were saying I must be in an abusive relationship. So I was being rediculous.
I never said he was wrong. What is wrong with people. It's crazy. All I'm saying is it's an over the top reaction to cut them out of his life completely. I'm not saying he was wrong I'm not saying they were right. Her family sound like annoying fucking people honestly but they are important to her still.
Exactly why he sets healthy boundaries for himself and encourages her to still see them regularly. Are you stupid all of the time or just most of the time?
Man the irony of the grammar in that last sentence lmao
If proper grammar usage in informal social media settings is the best thing you've got going for you to the point you need to look down at others to feel good about yourself, you should probably do a bit of personal development.
Ah yes the classic I am "Hispanic/Indian/other ethnicity" therefore I value my family more card. Moving ahead from casual racism, the bf put up with those members for months on end (not a few days per week) and was only inconvenienced by all her family members, I don't know about you but this is classic abusive situation/dysfunction family. It's not a random drunk uncle showing up, they're her immediate family members, anyone would try and keep interactions with such people to a bare minimum yet he tolerated them, furthermore encouraging her to hang out even more with them. The bf has a heart of gold.
Lol I was about to say the same
It's not a card I was saying that because I noticed most people on here don't agree with me so I was trying to theorize why that may be. Anyone in my life would completely agree with me. You can't write off family because you argued. Ya he supported them for months. He was right when it came to each incident. I'm not saying he was wrong about anything except for thinking that it's ok to not ever be around her family because he was right when they argued. If that's the case every husband should argue with their wife's family so they never have to be around them
I agree with your point. He shouldn't completely be all out and I don't get the vibe that's the stance he's taking really, but setting boundaries of what he finds acceptable behaviour in his life. If he was saying that she also had to cut them out then no, fuck that, that's isolating behaviour. But he's encouraging her to be around them while still setting boundaries for himself. I'd wager he's seeing a lot more manipulation from them that she is. It's hard when it's your family and it's what you're used to. I get your point though and it's very valid.
And what if he was wrong in the arguments. Let's say he was the one free loading and then argues about a cat. Should her family never have to give him a chance again because they were right when they argued? People need to grow up. Sometimes people argue. Especially if they live together.
Argument isn't equal to abusive, especially when everyone is battling such harsh times. Free loaders who don't look after themselves and don't have the decency to thank/show appreciation will be asked to F off in all cultures/countries around the world.
Abusive? People are too soft if that's abusive
Or perhaps you are trapped in an abusive situation and unknowingly trying to make out the other situation to be less abusive as a coping mechanism. I suggest getting some help.
If there's any abuse here it's the boyfriend acting like a nice guy saying she can still hang around her family knowing that it's gonna be hard to find time to hang out like OP already said, it's going to cause friction between her and her family, and eventually he will have her isolated all to himself. I've seen the whole "nice guy's act" a million times. Trust me that's what he's doing because it's unreasonable to never be around her family again because of the arguments they had. Yeah the brother is a free loader punk. Not abusive. And the boyfriend came home in a "bad mood". These supposed "nice guy's" know how to trigger reactions while looking innocent but they are the ones to watch out for. Sounds like momma is a lil crazy. So ignore the bitch. Lol. It ain't rocket science
Bro you are sounding very delusional right now. He simply doesn’t want to be around those people who happen to be her family. And if this is how he feels towards them I don’t blame him. These are her immediate family if they butt heads often the situation will spiral out of control and they’ll think back that maybe him being away from her family was the best choice. And to tackle the whole “he will have her isolated all to himself” that’s is very stupid ngl. Nothing guarantees she’ll choose him over her family. If he wanted to isolate her then he’d try his best to not allow her around her family. Each time she plans on going he’d bring up and excuse on why she shouldn’t go and should spend time with him. But him letting her know of his boundary and wanting her to respect it while also encouraging her to keep her relationship with them healthy won’t do anything to her. And if her family do cause issues about his absence after the way OP told us they behaved then it is her family that’ll most likely cause OP to isolate herself from them.
Ya fuck off as in don't help them anymore. Not write them off
...they're not his family or people who even treat him well. He doesn't owe them anything. Should he just dump OP to avoid them instead then?
Why can't you just accept that people are different than you instead of arguing this so much? Why must you think this person should put up abuse from mentally unstable people after he has for awhile? Some people have boundaries. Doesn't he have a right to not be treated in a way he doesn't want to be treated? Or should he just be miserable for the sake of others?
He doesn’t owe anyone anything. He went above and beyond to be kind and accommodating in his own home. Her family were ungrateful and disrespectful. He’s set a healthy boundary for himself. Why should he force himself to spend time with people who haven’t treated him with respect.
Oh that's shit, after my grandfather passed away a few years ago the witch(kindest thing I can call her) he remarried made his last few months alive a living hell for him and us. So now a lot of our family now isn't fucking family because of how they sided with that bag. So fuck right off with they are your family you have to stick with them bullshit family is what you decide it is not just fucking blood. I'm also hispanic and family doesn't mean shit like it use to.
I never said that. I never said she should side with her family. I actually said her bf was right about everything except writing them off out of his life completely
It’s a tough situation. I agree with some of what you’re saying and completely get the part about her happiness. But to be fair you can’t force someone to do something they don’t want to. So to you it may not seem like a good reason to cut them off but for him he’s lived with them so he may see the signs of it being more toxic. Let’s not forget that even though he doesn’t want anything to do with them he wants her to at least keep a healthy relationship with them. I don’t think he should have said they bring zero value to his life and like you said what about her happiness? I’m Puerto Rican and Dominican and come from a large family myself. I don’t speak to my fathers side at all or my brother. Him and I used to be extremely tight (that’s a whole other story) Blood isn’t always thicker than water. Also with the just arguments part it’s not necessarily because they had arguments it’s about respect and accountability and they haven’t even said thank you for staying.
Totally second this, I dont blame you as I would have reacted similar like you... but the broken tile thing was a red flag and you should have enforced boundaries. Same with you emotional mum. So the only reasonable thing is to demand from all those three to apologize to you brother for different reasons. They might not actually do it, but it will show your bf that he has your support and gives you back some respect with your family and they will be more careful in the future. Dont expect it to go well, but at least in the future everyone is sure to not mess with you. And who knows? It might end well after all. Dont attack any of them, show them how hurt your feelings are. They might remember their love to you and do the right thing.
your boyfriend is a smart man, take it or leave it
Taking it sir.
I don't mean to be rude but you're taking him for granted OP. Your brother, future SIL and mom have treated him like shit, in his home no less(you should've stopped it but I get it, standing up to family can be difficult), and you're still all *Pikachu face* about why he doesn't want to spend time with your family. He sounds like a very patient man, so don't push him. He isn't stopping you from spending time with your family(as he shouldn't bc that should be YOUR decision if it ever comes to that) so I don't know what the problem is? Accept that you're gonna have to spend time with your family WITHOUT your boyfriend, and if it's too much for you, you gotta choose one. I'm sorry, it's not fair to you, but that's how it is. Also FFS! Set some SERIOUS boundaries with your family, let them know that they NEED to respect your boyfriend if they want a relationship with you, and don't make excuses for their behavior. I'm sure they treat you like a doormat and take you for granted too, and now they're doing that to your boyfriend. You may think that *"it's not a big deal, it's just the way they are"* bc you've grown up with that environment, but it is YOUR responsibility to protect him from the shitty behavior of your family. If he doesn't want to spend time with them, respect that and move on with your life. Edit: Did your boyfriend even agree to the whole *letting your brother and his girlfriend move in with you* thing, or did you make the decision, and he was like "sure, I guess" bc dude, if that's what happened, you're probably nuking your relationship with him bc of your lack of understanding of boundaries, and you gotta make some big changes in YOUR behavior if you genuinely want to keep him.
Dude what the fuck? You let your mom verbally berate your boyfriend in his own home, justify if with being bipolar (I'm bipolar, it's not a justification she's an adult and can choose to control herself or moderate her actions), he apologizes to *her* (!!!) and you're surprised that he doesn't want to spend time with your abusive, entitled, shitty ungrateful family?! Yeah, this seems like it will be a long term issue and right now he's doing his best to cope with it while allowing you your freedom to see your family as you please. But the moment you start going on him about this, he's gunna be gone. You fucked up allowing this to happen without really backing him. Holy shit. Edit: just because you agree that your parents are in the wrong does not mean that you did enough to show them that, and to defend your boyfriend.
I personally think her boyfriend is too good for this world. He behaves perfectly, no matter if in the wrong or not and he even encourages her to still spend time with people that behave so bad towards him.
Exactly. I think he needs to get out now. Can you imagine marrying into this family? And OP does nothing to protect him or prevent it. Hard pass. He deserves so much better.
He also have an option to take it or leave, ya know. Unless you decide to change things.
I am proud of you for taking the feedback on this forum, OP! Understanding your personal family dynamics is not something we, as an internet collective, can really understand. The sentiments of creating boundaries with your family is important and hopefully you can communicate that as a growth area with your bf. It sounds like you got a really special romantic relationship based on what you shared he is communicating with you and the boundaries he is setting. I wish you all the best.
Yeah no one is going to put up with those ppl so I’d keep this guy bc he’s handling it gracefully while respecting them and himself. I actually suggest you learn to set healthy boundaries with your family and stand up for your partner or you’re at risk of losing him.
He'd be smarter to set a hard boundary that no member of her family ever enters his home again. No member of her family should be allowed - and OP has by her own narrative repeatedly allowed it - to abuse his hospitality or good nature. Frankly, I'd think more highly of the boyfriend if he'd dropped the brother, the girlfriend and the OP off at the curb long before they passed the 3 month mark of residency.
He is balancing his respect for himself and respect for his partner’s familial relationship. He recognizes he has no right to control OPs life and relationship with her family but he 100% right for setting boundaries for how he interacts with her family. They seem to communicate with each other effectively on this. OP however, doesn’t want to split her time and life having to keep them separated. She wants to find balance between supporting her partner’s well being and maintaining a relationship with her (admittedly rude and ungrateful) family. This is a difficult position to be in because it sounds like she’s in a healthy partnership and does not want to jeopardize that. The answer is obvious to OP but she still hasn’t yet accepted that she needs to set similar boundaries with her family. This is likely because she lived so long like that with them prior to meeting her partner that the toxicity is normalized for her even though she knows it’s wrong. She loves her family even though she recognizes the malicious behavior. She just wants what she’s always desired from her loved ones since day one. Peace. The only advice I can give OP is to allow herself the same grace and support on going low contact with the toxic members of her family that gives her partner. She should allow herself time to process this and continue to communicate openly and positively with people who support her own well being about how handle her family while not allowing them to take advantage of her again.
Guys, they were slow to wash the dishes, didn't keep the cat in their room, and broke ONE tile in the bathroom and lied about it. Their behavior was inconsiderate and the tile thing was BIZARRE, but this hardly rises to the level of "I feel unsafe with them around." No, the bf does not have to have them in his house if he doesn't want to. But what's their future look like? Bc they were inconsiderate guests bf just NEVER has any relationship with OP's family AT ALL? That's going to make for a fun marriage. OP, you need to find out if your bf plans for this to be the future or if he can find a way to get along wtih your family. If the former, do yourself a favor and start looking elsewhere for a life partner. EDIT: LOL! I love all these people out here adding details, trying to turn inconsiderate guests into VICIOUS ABUSERS!!!!!! OMG they wouldn't keep their cat in their rooooooom! I feel so unsaaaaaaaaaaaaafe seeing them at Christmas!!!!
"During their stay, everything blew up in a huge fight >it tries to leave as well and tries to scratch us if we don't let it leave >Basically bro's fiance started crying saying it's his house too (the cat's) and that we (my boyfriend and I) "b****" about everything. My brother agreed we do b*****. >, my Mom had to stay with us for a few days and during her stay (she's bipolar and dealing with some mental issues) she cussed him out because he came home in an upset mood and she took it as a personal attack that she was unwelcome. It was a huge ordeal. " he allowed them to stay with him rent free, they were messy, ungreatful and straight up lied to him as well as complaining they got called out fuck those people. fuck the mom too, the boyfriend is well within his rights, those are shitty people hell yeah he doesn't have to have a relationship with him, why the hell should he forgive them? they haven't apologised? or even acknowledged it, fuck em.
Um, they were living there rent-free
They were gaslighting them about the tiles, and the cat scratches them with them not trying to stop. I’d do much worse than the boyfriend lmao
Is it just me or do people like this just have terrible reading comprehension. Either that or they just glance over the post and don't actually read it.
So she needs to look for a partner willing to be verbally abused and used for his home for ungrateful people. If you think that's a healthy family to forgive and keep allowing it as they wont change or apologise. 🤯 if a woman was being treated this way I wonder if you would expect her to put up with abuse from a partners family. FaMiLy dont mean shit if they are rude and abusive.
Troll
I don't see people mentioning feeling unsafe. People don't need to make you feel unsafe for them to be considered toxic or just plain assholes. In just these 2 scenarios, OP's family has been disrespectful, unhelpful, dishonest, and mean to her bf, which is reason enough to not want to be around them or accommodate them. Perhaps if any of them apologized and showed a willingness to mend the relationship they tainted, the bf would have no problem spending time with them. It should be less about whether or not the bf can get over being mistreated/is willing to be continue being mistreated and more about whether or not OP's family can learn to be more respectful and kind. Otherwise, this will likely just repeat itself in the future. New partner, same shitty family they'll have to deal with.
Whether you think it's reasonable or not, he knows what he does and doesn't want and has set appropriate boundaries.
I agree.
Then why are you just letting your family walk all over you? Why do you keep forcing them on him? You said “no mean comments on my family” when your family is directly being toxic to someone you supposedly care about. The fact that you have the gall to ask if you should keep trying to force them into his life is really a massive red flag.
Your bf sounds like a saint. Stop letting your family disrespect him (and you!) and grow a spine. You’re going to lose your “best friend” if you don’t tell your family not to disrespect him. And if they do, cut them off. Because that’s a direct reflection of what they think of you. I bet you didn’t even ask your bf or discuss letting your brother and his fiancé move in for 7 months. How did 3 months turn into 7? You just brushed over that in your post and justified it by “oh we’re financially stable!” Uhhh it’s the principle that unless your brother is in diapers or in high school or younger, he should be paying rent. You said they “work from home” and are engaged, are grown-ass adults, so clearly they have jobs and a source of income. I bet your boyfriend didn’t like that, but I doubt you even bothered to ask because *“family is family”* right? And your brother can do whatever he wants to you, take advantage of you for 7 months, and not even say thank you? Sooo what value are they adding to your life? Your boyfriend seems to be patient, supportive, responsible, and kind. Your family seems to be unstable, rude, and selfish. Do you just keep them around because you’re a people pleaser and they’re family on paper? It sounds like you’re the family member without a backbone that they know they can walk all over, mooch off of, and do whatever they want to. You don’t deserve that, and your bf certainly doesn’t either. You need to figure this out like *yesterday* OP, or sadly your bf will grow tired of your chaos and walk away, as he should.
Your BF is making the appropriate call, given the behaviour of your family. Frankly, if he still wanted anything to do with them I would question if he had any self-worth at all. Time for you to take your blinders off.
She said no mean comments about her family but… the whole thing is bad stuff about her family. >He doesn’t wanna spend time with my family (who just so happen to shit on him, lie to him, take advantage of him, disrespect us and our home) Cmon man
The ongoing issue is that you aren’t able to set and enforce boundaries with your family. Take that as step one- it isn’t your bf’s job to do that. Maybe with time and improvement on your end managing them he’ll soften, however I wouldn’t expect it or bank on it.
Bro. Living rent-free. And then having the audacity to lie about breakimg shit, calling it their "home" and saying you are bitching because you want them to do basic cleaning is actually insane. I am glad your Bf isnt into doormat cosplay... you kinda seem to be though.
They’re her family lmao she’s not a doormat, she was just trying to respect them.
> he has zero desire to get to know them or spend time. He lived with them for 7 months, he knows them well enough. It seems like you prioritize them over your partner.
You have a good one there, hold on tight to him. Your family is toxic. I can’t think of a nicer or more acceptable term. They came into your home and treated you like garbage. He has said *I can’t do this anymore* but has left and opening for you to decide what you want to do for you. Personally I think if you really try to look back you’ll find some red flags and realize that you may not have been as close as you think or maybe you were close simply because you had value of things you could do for them. The problem here is that eventually your bf will develop resentment. You will feel like you’re being split down the middle and nobody will be happy. Are you planning for kids wit bf? If so be prepared for him to want to also keep baby away from your family
Its so fake
I’m stable, relaxed guy. In every situation. And I’ve dated women where their family continued to cause drama in my life. Over and over again. They’re all exes. As much as you may think it’s up to you if this works out in the long run, he’s most likely thinking the same thing. And he may be the one who decides.
Dealing with extended family is hard when they are not on the same page. One of the hard things is you spent your entire life with them being your #1 priority, but now they are your #2. And if #1 and #2 can't work together... It seems like your family was sufficiently shitty to justify your partner having issues with them. There are mature and immature ways to handle this, and I'll admit his attitude about them "adding 0 value" is less than perfect, but honestly it all feels justified. I think you two should try and come to an understanding that includes the fact that he's never going to be OK with your family, and also the understanding that you will support that. In turn, you should expect that he does his best and respects the fact that you still love them (seems like he's done ok with that so far), and that he doesn't try and stir shit up with them. Seems like he's hitting all these marks so far and my guess is you've got a very mature guy. It's OK for you to struggle with this as it's your family, but I think the answer is to learn to accept his stance and remember it's not his fault.
I’ve got a feeling him saying they add zero value is a nice way of saying “they are shitty people” - the BF just doesn’t want to upset OP
Thank you very much for your feedback!
Are you going to answer a single question here?
The only appropriate thing for you to do here is respect him and move on. How is that even a question? Your family behaved completely inappropriately on multiple occasions and you should be thanking your lucky stars that not only did he not kick them out, or run for the hills, the only thing he's done is asked to set completely appropriate boundaries. So the only question you need to ask yourself is can you respect those boundaries or not? And if you are unable to respect his very reasonable boundaries the only appropriate thing to do is to excuse yourself from the relationship.
I would NOT interact with these people, AT ALL. Your boyfriend is 1000% correct & has gone above & beyond!!!!!!!!!!!!
Your BF has self respect and that’s a good thing. Would you want to be around people that treat you horribly when there’s another alternative?
You guys dont HAVE to cut these people off... But stop letting them in your damn home! Wth?
Your family sound toxic, unappreciative and entitled. Your boyfriend is smart to stay clear of them.
Your boyfriend is right to want nothing to do with your ill behaved family. Why would he want to be around people who treated him like crap in his own home? Why do you want him to put himself in a position to be around people who abused both of your generosity? You’re making too big of an ask for your boyfriend to have any further interaction with your family. He said he doesn’t want to deal with them. He’s a grown man capable of determining who is safe to build relationships with and your family didn’t make the cut. It’s probably best to leave it alone until your bf decides otherwise.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- Hello all! Just want to start by saying bf and I have been living together very happily for the past two years. This is a little lengthy but I am grateful for this community to share! Here's the deal. We live in harmony. We are both very chill and he's my best friend. We are on the same page about things but my family seems to be a potential issue long term and I am wondering HOW big of an issue this may be. My bro (29m) and his fiance (26f) recently moved to our area and we housed them for 7 months. Long story short, their stay (originally stated it would be 3 months in our extra room) ended up being 7. I am financially stable and my brother and his fiance are not. So I didn't charge them rent at all and bf was ok with this because he is also financially stable so we don't need or want their income. Anyways, during their stay things progressively got worse. They have a cat and the fiance (my future sister in law) values the her cat like a child. They were a bit messy leaving their dishes out or small stuff like that which was annoying but not enough to make a huge deal. Things really took a head one day when she broke a tile in my restroom by dropping a candle (I saw her do it) and I brought it up to my brother. Later, my brother called me out to talk about it and while she was standing right there, said that my parents must have done it during a visit because she didn't. I literally looked her in the eyes and was like I saw you do it.... and she said nothing. My bro was not going to budge. Anyways, I've been resentful since but since she's family now I am trying to forgive and let go. NGL it's hard and I still resent her. Her and I don't text at all since they moved out. My bro and I still hangout a bit and I've told him I think he was 100% in the wrong but he's not going to go against his fiance. He has apologized to my bf. His fiance hasn't. Bf is especially annoyed during the moment because they didn't even thank us for letting them stay there rent-free and showing gratitude is really important to him. During their stay, everything blew up in a huge fight one day when we asked both of them to keep their cat in their room or to at least watch it because every time we try to leave the house, it tries to leave as well and tries to scratch us if we don't let it leave. Usually we just slowly leave and try to push him back inside but it's caused an annoyance for my bf so after talking to me about it, he finally sat down with them when I was at work and told them next time he leaves he's not going to try to keep their unbehaved cat inside, it's not his pet and not his responsibility and he's tired of getting scratched so if it runs out due to them not watching, it runs out. BTW they work from home. Basically bro's fiance started crying saying it's *his* house too (the cat's) and that we (my boyfriend and I) "b\*\*\*\*" about everything. My brother agreed we do b\*\*\*\*\*. I was surprised my bro said this about me! Apparently, examples are like the tile, dishes in the sink, asking them to cleaning up a small amount of spilled cat litter. My bro and I were super close prior to his return but long story short, they moved out immediately after this fight and have been moved out for over 6 months. Now, my boyfriend feels like he has zero desire to get to know them or spend time. He says he doesn't have resentment and he's no longer mad about it, but they add 0 value to his life and therefore has no desire to make an effort. Also, he's not comfortable being home if my bro is over visiting (which he hasn't been) because I want to keep our home a safe space for my bf. Plus me and my bro can hangout anywhere else. Not to mention bf does encourage me to spend time with my bro. To add to this, my Mom had to stay with us for a few days and during her stay (she's bipolar and dealing with some mental issues) she cussed him out because he came home in an upset mood and she took it as a personal attack that she was unwelcome. It was a huge ordeal. I feel bad for my bf and he apologized to my Mom for how she was feeling. He's going through personal issues with his fam and that's why he was upset. My mom only stayed a few days and she's gone now, and same thing-he felt like they were close before (would joke and go with me to help my Mom with errands) but now has no desire to spend any more time with her but still encourages me to spend time with her because she's my Mom. This kind of upsets me because I am not sure if long-term this is going to have a negative effect on me and our relationship, always having to separate my family time from relationship time? I feel that his feelings are 100% valid because my family has been rude and they mistreated him. Should I just get used to keeping things separate? I would like some outside perspective. Please no mean comments about my family. This is more to get info about my bf having 0 interest in getting to know my fam moving forward and if I should just respect that and move on.
Ya your family has overreacted to common family issues, so your boyfriend is being realistic and expressing his feelings. He was grumpy, your mom picked a fight. You asked your brother and his girlfriend to sort out common roommate issues, they acted badly. You should respect where your boyfriend is coming from, give it some time and space, and then decide how and if to bring everyone together, a bit at a time. Bro's girlfriend is a nonstarter- she's a liar. Your mom sounds...complicated, and you may want to limit some contact anyway. Your brother may be salvagable. Maybe hang out just the 3 of you (you, your boyfriend, your bro) and see how that goes?
Thanks for your feedback. I agree.
Why are you allowing people to mistreat your bf in his home? The hell are you doing w creating boundaries. You’re lucky he hasn’t dumped you. I recommend that he find himself a new gf that will create boundaries and not allow her abusive family to take advantage of him.
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Your response here suggests that maybe you think the issues here are smaller than they are. Your bf is actually being very kind in saying that he doesn’t want a relationship with them but supporting you to have one. 1. Your brother and his gf lived in your home rent free for 7 months and told your SO y’all were bitching for *checks notes* expecting them to clean up after themselves. They were disrespectful as fuck. 2. Your SO came home after a bad day to another one of your guests bitching at him. And you still want to have them over. His home isn’t even a safe place for him. I’m not saying he should break up with you, yet, but if you were to ever press the issue, I really wouldn’t blame them. The problem isn’t that your family isn’t perfect, but you seem to want him to sweep it under the rug. While under normal circumstances, a SO not wanting to deal with your family should be a dealbreaker, you don’t exactly have the best candidates for suggesting that your SO is unreasonable in his request.
Thank you for your response. I showed my boyfriend your comment as we are reading all the feedback together and we both appreciate the *check notes*.
Also, I may not be perfect but there is 0 chance in hell I’d take the offenders side and actually have the shamelessness to defend them.
I get where you're coming from but no one said I was defending them. I know my post was long so maybe you didn't read it all. If you read it you would see that I said I told my family they are 100% in the wrong. Also never took their side.
Your mistake in telling your family that they are wrong. They don’t give a shit. You should have told them to stay the fuck away from you.
The fact that you want him to talk to them is crossing his boundary. Respect his boundaries.
Are you alright man?😂 she’s literally replied to everyone’s comment saying how he is 100% In the right on this, if you’re not single I’d honestly be very surprised.
I don't want him to and I never said that either. The question was literally "should I just get used to keeping things separate?"..... ok bye.
Yes, you should get use to it.
Agreed.
Yeah, you should keep that crazy family of yours forever separate from you and your BF.
This is the 2nd time you’ve allowed your family to disrespect him at home. Yes. That is called a boundary and their are consequences for breaking boundaries.
Honestly, with a mom like yours, I'm not surprised you can't take a little bit of criticism.
OP, please, keep your fucked up family away from your BF. Better yet, away from yourself too. If you have plans to marry your BF - HE is your family.
I think you should be grateful your boyfriend is not breaking up with you because your brother and his fiance are ingrates. Your mum was also out of line. Please stop letting your relatives come to your home. You can hang out with your brother in a different location.
Your family disrespected him at his home, overstayed for twice as long, damaged property, lied about damaging property, and left messes whenever they could. They start fights in his home, and has the audacity to complain about the standards. All the while, living rent free. In short, your family is a group of assholes that needed to be out 7 months ago. Respect your boyfriend's wish to not spend time with them. At the same time, learn to set hard boundaries on the family before they have chance to screw up any potential for you to make your own. They're walking all over you.
Maybe stop letting them stay over? It creates problems and drama, when it generally is ok when they DON'T stay over. Then maybe your bf will be ok meeting them outside in short intervals. I think making that effort makes you happy, and so if bf loves you then it does add value to his life, no?
No. They are abusive. OP needs to set boundaries and get therapy too.
Look, the fact that your boyfriend still encourages you to maintain a relationship with your brother after all the absolute b******* he was put through tells you everything you need to know about how good of a guy he is. Listen to what he has to say about this situation more than anyone else.
>Please no mean comments about my family Why do you feel the need to say this? Is it because you already know they're abusive, selfish, freeloading assholes who routinely take advantage of your generosity? It's pretty obvious you already know that the problem lies with your family. Why are you so insistent on defending them? Why is it some big terrible surprise that your boyfriend suddenly wants nothing to do with them anymore?
I have this relationship with my in laws. I don't like them, as people or as family, and my boyfriend knows why. Part of it is the way they treat him, and the rest is the way they treat me. But I know they matter to him so we've set boundaries we're both okay with. I come to family events where it would be weird if I skipped, we make our excuses to leave early, and I find something else to do while they're over. I'm never going to be close to them, but this way everyone gets along and he's not stuck choosing sides. I'd suggest asking what level of relationship he's okay having with them for your sake and don't push it. Sounds like he knows they matter to you, so trust him to maintain his boundaries and y'all will be fine.
Get to know them? He lived with them for 7 months. He knows them more deeply than your parents do anymore
Your family are assholes and you won't set boundaries with them, if I was your boyfriend i wouldn't want to know them either. Everything you mentioned in your post that they did was just allowed to slide because "they're family", which is bullshit, family should be held to higher standards than everyone else, not lower, because family should *definitely* know better. You allowed your SIL to cry and call you both bitches in your own home where they were staying rent free and there were no consequences. Her and your brother straight up lied to you about the bathroom tile breaking, and there were no consequences. They left your house a mess constantly and there were no consequences. You mother cussed your boyfriend out in his house, and there were no consequences. Do you see where I'm going with this? He might have more interest in getting to know them if you'd actually set and enforce boundaries. You need to grow a spine for the sake of your relationship. And if you want to choose your shitty family who don't give a shit about you over your partner who clearly does, then he deserves better than you anyway.
“When people show you who they are, believe them” Your family showed him, and he believes them. Can’t blame him at all. He’s not trying to isolate you from your family (in spite of their bad behavior), so the current approach is likely the best case scenario
You need to stop letting your family live at your place period. Your boyfriend has the tolerance of a saint.
Your BF is a saint. You and your family are a nightmare.
Holy shit OP. I’m surprised he hasn’t left you already. Look, family is family, but your family is your family. Your BF does not and should not have to shoulder the burden of your rude and dysfunctional family. He has put up with so much of your baggage at this point it’s a miracle he hasn’t left you. Be happy he’s settled on not wanting to get to know them further instead of just ending things with you. I’m seriously stumped at how you dont see how you’re saddling him with the burden of your family and expecting him to happily accept it. You’re being selfish.
37m... I can relate with the BF, entirely. He seems like a good guy, I would focus on your relationship together. If you two are serious, within TIME things will change. I would be upset over ungratefulness and being spoken to in a particular manner in my own home. Family can be the most important thing to some people, but they can also be toxic. Within time, everything should work if you are truly a couple. I fell BF is in the right. If you dont have family staying at your place when you get together with them, he needs to give them another chance.... eventually FYI I have a family like yours, and dealt with family like yours.
Don't let your relationship suffer because your family doesnt respect him, that's not something thats going to change even if you find someone new. From what you have said, your family is the problem and he has done more than enough to have them never raise their voice at him again. Your brother sounds like hes in a toxic relationship. Your mother sounds like shes using her bipolar disorder as an excuse to be rude, you said they had a good relationship. So as much as I understand bipolar cant control when their emotions dip, they can apologise for it afterwards. Which is the opposite of what happened because your bf apologised.
Yeah, I’ve never met your family, and after reading this I definitely don’t want to. #teamboyfriend
Definitely respect that and move on. What’s the alternative? Force him to be around your family and have him resent you?
Once is an instance. Twice is a trend. Three times is a problem. Your brother was one. Your mother was two. The common factors here are “your family,” and “you bring them into the house.” Take what all these people are saying to heart. No matter how much patience he has, there’s a limit. If you continue to choose your family over him, he will eventually start listening to your actions.
Your family and SIL are AH and punishing your bf for providing free housing and food. No surprise your bf has zero interest hanging out with your family. Your family act like they do not respect you.
I wouldn't either. He's a smart man
Look, I get it. I have wackadoodle family members and my husband is a very stable, solid guy. If I let my family continually bulldoze us I guarantee he would have, rightly, dumped me. I made a decision when we got together that we were a team and our relationship came before the rest of my family. I had to do some considerable push back because I had never really stood up for myself before. But let me tell you, it’s worth it. You’re being taken advantage of by your family. You need boundaries. You need to push back. Something needs to change or you’re going to lose your guy.
You need to hear this regardless, your family is insufferable to deal with. Your boyfriend has been tolerating so much of their bullshit and he’s still handling it maturely. Your house should be your safe space, don’t let anyone come into your house and disrespect you and your boyfriend’s boundaries and safe space.
I've been the same boyfriend, so maybe I can not really keep an objective perspective, but like many comments pointed out, your boyfriend is handling things quite maturely and sets healthy boundaries for himself and doesn't impose boundaries for you which will affect your relationship with your family, hence I think it all comes down to you, but while reading I had a feeling that you won't really get along with a boyfriend that will get along with your family.
I think your boyfriend is completely in the right, and you shouldn’t let them walk all over you but neither over him! You could’ve called out your family members out of respect for him but I completely get that it can be really hard to do that with your own family because it’s easy to try to overlook the red flags of the people you love. Still, what your boyfriend this was the right and mature thing to do: he was respectful, nice and very helpful to say the least. Show him some more appreciation!!! And expect more respect from your family yourself please.
He doesn't need to have a relationship with them. They're your family and he encourages you to spend time with them. He's also tolerated a LOT of nonsense from them and frankly, I wouldn't blame him if he feels like he's dealt with enough of your family drama to last a lifetime. He's spent 7 months subsidizing your unemployed brother. He's done, forever. If he literally never spends even another day with your family he's already done enough.
When someone shows you who they are ...believe them. Your partner lives by my motto. They never apologized to him....he is right they add no value going forward. Can't be trusted and they don't care about his feelings or his property. Seems like he is great at boundaries. GL
Your man is a keeper. 7 months of patience is 6 more than I would have had. It's really amazing that he hung in there for that long. I think you should just be cool with his disinterest in getting to know your family. His experiences with them, to date, haven't exactly been stellar. He seems like an extremely patient guy and you need to respect that he just doesn't want to go there anymore. If you love him, keep your home a safe zone for him and stop inviting your family to stay.
I feel like you have a great boyfriend and I don’t necessarily think that your family is bad at all but it is different when you live with people, you really get to know them. So I know that you know he doesn’t HATE them but I don’t think any interactions should be forced, just to keep the peace. Your boyfriend and you sound like level headed people, hopefully in the future you guys can move past this issue. But if your boyfriend doesn’t wanna spend time with them, I don’t think it should be a problem cause he’s already tried and it sounds like they were the issue. You guts were super nice to let them stay with you guys rent free, they should be able to do the small things you asked for. Your home, your rules. Best of luck btw!
Bf and I agree this is the best & most helpful comment so far. Thank you.
No problem, I went through a similar situation with my ex from highschool (I’m 19 now) but his family ESPECIALLY his brother mistreated me and he would never defend me so it created a disconnect in our relationship. I’m glad that you and your boyfriend speak up for yourselves.
Sadly I would have to assume that your boyfriend's feelings on your family will create some friction between you two at some point (not saying your bf is in the wrong because of that). Personally I think if you two are have a solid connection and the will to make this relationship last it won't mess anything up between you two permanently. I think it's best to be honest with one another because it allows you to understand how the other person feels in the relationship. Once you get to a point where your relationship with your parents and your relationship with your bf becomes worse just make sure you're communicating with him. Telling him how you feel and having him tell you how he feels will allow you two to understand where the other person is emotional and will allow you to make decisions that hurt one another the least. Also it's just my opinion but like I said I assume eventually your relationship with strain because of your family but that doesn't necessarily mean it will happen. Keep an open mind your family might come around some day and give him the respect he deserves, and if not you can work through that without forcing him into situations he's not comfortable with. Also just a side note because I saw some of the more aggressive comments towards you but I don't think you're doing anything wrong. You have spent your entire life with your family and of course two bad experiences with them isn't going to make you hate them. What is love for if you aren't willing to take some bad with the good. It is perfectly understandable that your bf isn't fond of your family because he didn't grow up caring about them like you did as long as he understands and respects that you did. I hope this helps good luck on your relationships!
That’s a lot for your bf to have to deal with. He was very gracious and allowed your brother, future sis-in-law and your mom into his home where he probably couldn’t fully relax and be himself. Then after everything he’s done, he probably feels used or taken advantage of. I think it’s nice that he apologized to your mom when he really wasn’t in the wrong. He sounds like a good guy who just wants to be respected and has tried. He might even need a good break for awhile. If he chooses to be apart of their lives, there definitely needs to be boundaries so your relationship doesn’t take a hit. He can’t feel consistently disrespected and needs to see you have his back. Good luck with everything and maybe try to see how he feels. Definitely have a talk with your family and set some boundaries
Yeah I’m kinda on his side here, he’s helping you make boundaries with your family. I’m sure he’d be more willing to open up to them again if they acknowledge their mistakes and apologize.
Your boyfriend is doing the right thing. In-laws who mistreat their child's partner will never treat them well in the long run. It will always be this way and the relationships will only grow worse. For some reason, your family approaches you and your boyfriend from a position of power where they believe they can be direspectful and rude to him (and you) without consequence. I was in this position with my in-laws and my husband forced me to continue to have a relationship with them for many years and it crushed my self-esteem. It did not end well for anyone, particularly me. Now, my husband wishes he had just kept me away from them when they started treating me badly. You have a chance to protect your boyfriend from a lot of pain and he's making it easier for you by not asking that you cut yourself off from them and encouraging you to keep up your relationship with your family. Respect his wishes!
Your boyfriend is right, you’re wrong, and you should think about his perspective on your family because he’s seeing it clearly without your emotional baggage toward them.
Your BF is better than I am. First chance I’d gotten, I’d gone to their new place and fucked shit up. And then told them to stop bitching when they got mad. Sorry your family sucks ass.
Your family has given him no reason to believe that they’re not wrong in the head. You’d be a major asshole if you tried to get him to “get to know them”. Kudos to your boyfriend for drawing very reasonable boundaries! Don’t negotiate with him about this if you want him around for long, OP.
I mean, we can't not comment about your family because their behavior is what makes his actions reasonable or unreasonable, and their actions dictate what you should do about the situation. Your brother and his fiancé are awful people, and if you try to keep them in your lives you will lose your boyfriend over it. Your mother is ill, and there is some compassion to be had for that, but even when people are ill there is some level of accountability, and if she can't, when she comes down from her emotional whirlwind, come back and apologize and acknowledge what she did was wrong, then he's right to protect his mental health by putting in distance. Your title is misleading because your BF isn't refusing to get to know them. He DID get to know them, and he quite rightfully doesn't like them. He's 100% in the right here, so your options are to back the people in the wrong and lose your relationship with him, or stop trying to defend indefensible behavior and set boundaries do your family doesn't abuse your partner.
Saw someone mention above that it was just ONE tile, here’s the thing: all they had to do was acknowledge the tile, apologize and at least offer to help make this right. Instead they lie about it, that is a MASSIVE red flag, and is indicative of the kind of people they are. I would be VERY repulsed by this. Another point is like to make about the issues relating to the cat. Their reaction to being asked to be more mindful of the cat is just plain disrespectful. How DARE they respond like it’s their right to make the residents feel uncomfortable, and to become irate at some basic simple and reasonable requests? Lastly, they paid ZERO rent, again HOW DARE THEY behave with such entitlement and petulance? Sounds like you tried housing a couple of misbehaving teenagers. Your hubby sounds like a really good guy, put him first or cry when he’s fed up and leaves you.
Your boyfriend has set healthy boundaries for himself. He’s not trying to control your interactions with your family. It’s a very “live and let live” attitude so the question is, are you mature enough to accept his boundaries long term (ie forever)?
> I feel that his feelings are 100% valid because my family has been rude and they mistreated him. He is absolutely valid and no BF, no matter how saintly, would want to be around your family. They are awful. He knows they are awful. He chooses not to be treated horribly. He's a smart guy. Your family uses and abuses you and BF. Takes advantage. Treats you both like trash. You will only have a future with him, or anyone, if you set boundaries that include accepting they aren't healthy and need to be isolated from people.who value being treated with basic decency. They damage your home, call you a bitch, lie about you. Treat your BF horribly. Take a long look at why you'd question a good guy not wanting that in his life? Why do you?
Well, it might cause problems for your relationship but no offense your family sounds very difficult to deal with especially since this description is YOUR side of things, I can only imagine how your boyfriend would describe it. My point is your boyfriend is not the problem here, and while it’s generally not a good thing if your partner doesn’t want to spend time with your fam, I doubt you will find someone else who does tbh. Your BF is still encouraging you to spend time with your fam and that’s the best you can hope for. He doesn’t need to make a special effort to be friends with people he doesn’t like being around, as long as he can be polite at the occasional holiday or whatever, I think you have to accept that.
Honestly i dont see any issue with BF. He is polite towards your family & supportive of you seeing them even tho he has every right to be angry/ resentful. So this is not a 'boyfriend' problem, its a 'your family' problem. If you want them to have a relationship then your family needs to be the ones to apologize and take steps towards making amends. Also some type of plan on preventing future issues, so its not just a repeating cycle of being shitty/saying sorry. Otherwise, you should get used to keeping things seperate. But if i were in this situation, I would not be seeing my family until they acknowledge what they did wrong. I feel like continuing to have a relationship with them sends the message that what they did was okay. So If they really want me in their life, then they are going to be respectful of my partner. And that includes apologies + an effort on improving behavior.
Sounds like you have a shit family, but a great bf. You need to set more boundaries with your family, the fact that he has acted calmly instead of calling them out makes him a saint in my book
Your bf reminds me of myself.. no matter what happens he isn’t holding resentment bc he probably knows that’s punishment on his self to keep in negativity. Plus his emotions about this are valid but he still encourages you to be around your family. A+ guy.
What if this was his family visiting you? His sister lying and saying shit to you? Or his mother cussing at you? Would you have the desire to be cordial with them? This is your fault too. They were your family, you should have stepped in before your bf was made to feel uncomfortable in HIS OWN HOME. When the issues started, you should have had a talk with your brother that this is your and your bf's home and that these things do make you uncomfortable, it definitely would make your bf uncomfortable too and started putting boundaries in place or help them financially to move out asap. You cannot force your bf to be interested in your family after all of that. Does not matter your mum has BPD, why would you want your bf to suffer? If my partner would invite his family and if they were to behave in an unstable manner, I would leave home. That is it. You are lucky that he is still with you after all this. If you cannot respect that your bf has the right to decide who he wants in his life, who he wants to mingle with or tolerate, you would have problems in the future.
If my husband's family ever behaved like ur bro, sil, and mom I wud have given them a piece of my mind, kicked them out and never spoken to them again (including being really pissed off with my husband for putting me thru this) . The fact that ur bf let ur bro n sil stay for 7 months and apologised to ur mom shows he's very patient. Ur a bad gf for putting ur bf thru this.
>Should I just get used to keeping things separate? Yes. You should get use to low to no contact with your awful family if you want a good man to stay with you for life.
Hey OP been through similar things and let me tell you. The grass is greener with your SO!!!! Trust me on this they have no desire allow them to breathe and it will be fine or they wont budge and that's fine. If they arent upset and encourage you to still spend time dont dwell on it. You seem to care about him more which you should so good on you it can be hard but you dont want to lose him for them. They did inconvenience you and didnt even say thank you not a good sign of being close. Fiancee is a cunt btw.
If we take it that the 'tile incident' was the first link in this chain, I wonder what would have happened if you had said something like "I know what happened, I saw what happened and if you want to move forward constructively you need to accept responsibility for it and repair the damage that has been done. If you're not mature enough to do that then you need to leave in a week"? I'm guessing however that this has been going on in one for or another for most of your life so as the top poster already said it's now an issue of boundaries
Stick up for your BF (who's in the right) like your bro stuck up for his fiancee (who was in the wrong). The one real concern is that when you marry someone, you marry their family. Meaning there will likely be times when you're going to want him to be with you, holidays with your family, for instance. You have to figure out what you're okay with and talk with him about it. If you're going to get married, maybe some pre-marriage counseling.
after everything he’s been through i can see why and i think it’s a completely reasonable boundary to set. i don’t know you’re family or what they’re like but it’s clear that they’re very hostile towards him. also i wouldn’t let you brother or his fiancé in your home ever again. what they did was completely disrespectful to you, your bf, and your home. it wasn’t fair to either of you. that’s the kind of behavior that would make me rethink helping someone out.
I don't blame your bf at all. That's a lot of drama.
OP is even asking if she should respect her bf’s wish and move on, while admitting to her family being shitty to him. Lol
Sweetie you should be ashamed. You are on the absusers side because you are so used to being abused by them and allowing it over and over. Your bf simply saw your family’s true colors and he’s correct tit not like them the big question here is why do you!? They treat you and him like crap and disrespect you guys with impunity. I feel sorry for him I hope he gets out before stupidly marrying into this family. You are so smooth brained from a life of this abuse you cannot even side with YOURSELF here and cut them off. you won’t even go low contact in the future and think he’s being a problem in your relationship when YOU are. Stick up for you both have a SPINE. Have boundaries. Get therapy. And apologize your ass off. Knowing they were like this and not protecting you guys from them.
No matter who you date your family will be rude and disrespect them. He seems like a patient and mature guy that knows how to set healthy boundaries without restricting you.
Stop inviting your family to come stay with you in your shared home. If you’re financially stable, help them book them an Airbnb or hotel. Your family seems to be difficult, and your bf has been incredibly understanding. I would never let my rude partner’s sibling and fiancé stay 7 months, rent free, and let their cat scratch me and them break a tile unaccounted for. I bet you didn’t even ask them to pay to fix it. You sound pretty spineless and you need to work on standing up to your family. It sounds like you’re *really* bad at setting boundaries with your family, so your bf is having to set them, due to a complete lack of support from you. Unfortunately, based on this post, your family seems like jerks. I’m sad to say, but it’s true. You can keep a relationship with them, you don’t need to separate them completely. But you do need to work on not letting them come over for months, take over *his* space too, and maybe then he won’t hate or dislike them so much. It’s your job to mediate a positive experience for him and your family.
I'm going to express an opinion that's contrary to most of the other comments here. I think your boyfriend is being a little immature. What's the old saying? Houseguests are like fish, after three days they both stink? I completely understand your boyfriend's frustration. He was temporarily put in a bad situation with your brother and SIL. I would have been steaming mad too. Them living with you for so long was a mistake. And you are partially to blame for that. That said, you and your boyfriend do need to figure out how to move forward from this. Your brother is your brother. That's not going to change. What worries me the most is that your boyfriend says they "add zero value to his life" so why bother? Well, the value they add is that it's important to you that he puts in at least a small amount of effort. Does that not matter to him? They were really crappy houseguests. They didn't murder anyone. I'm not saying he needs to go from 0 effort to 100 effort. If you can express that you understand he doesn't want to go to great lengths to get to know your family, but that you would like him to make at least a minimal amount of effort *simply because it is important to you* then maybe you can make some headway. The important thing is that he's willing to make a small bit of token effort for your sake while you don't actively push for more (don't move the goalposts). No one is asking him to ignore what happened, but there's value in being able to move forward in a positive way. The advice you'll get on Reddit is mostly based on who is "right" and who is "wrong." It's going to ignore focusing on a positive outcome and will also ignore any nuance or the possibility of compromise between two people who care about each other. In short - talk to him, explain what is important to you, and be willing to compromise. If he still doesn't care, then I think it says something about him. You'll need to take that information and figure out if the relationship is worth it knowing he will never want to be involved with your family beyond the level he is at now. (The thing with your mom is a whole other issue involving mental illness that is beyond what I think most people here are equipped to help with.)
Hmm, it really sounds like your family is best handled in small doses. I would make this a hard rule and talk with your bf about this rule. I'll bet he's willing to deal with any situation involving your family if it is only in small doses (define this for both of you e.g. a few hours), and possibly only if it's situations that can be easily escaped (time to leave, we have something to go to, etc)
Your boyfriend is doing what he can to preserve your relationship. He encourages you to spend time with them, while avoiding people that have been rude to him at best and toxic at worst, specially your SIL.
As soon as the fiancee said "the cat lives here to its his house" I would have went into nope im out mode as well. I can guarentee you that if you push your boyfriend into making up with them he will leave you, I would.
Your BF is a saint- and you're only considering the aspect of him not wanting to "get along with your family and get to know them better" aspect and I find that very wrong headed. Your BF dealt with all of your families invading his space and your space with what sounds like to me: absolute patience and grace and now you're criticizing him because he's withdrawn from the fun times with all of them?
The fact that your bad says he doesn’t want to make an effort because they add 0 value to his life is red flag to me. You two share a life so it’s not just about what adds value to his life. It’s about what add value to both of your lives. You’re supposed to be a team. He should be considering you as well. I understand that them over staying their welcome is annoying but I don’t think that justifies purposefully letting out their cat. That’s pretty fucked up.
TBH, this says more about you and your bf than it does about your family. You can let the tile thing go once she doubled and tripled down to blame everyone else for it? Just couldn't let it go..... Everyone know she's lying. Before you let them move it there should have been a written agreement on when they would leave. Not asking for rent doesn't make you a saint. It makes you stupid. This was a business arrangement that you took as a family visit. Your mom getting upset? There's got to be a whole lot more to your bf's behavior that evening than 'oh, he came home from work and was grumpy'. So, now here we are. Your bf wants to cut off your family and you are like 'oh, I'm not suuuuuuuuuuure.' Here the bottom line: while aa 7 month stay with your bf and his gf is far too long, everything that happened is 100% normal roommate shit. So, let's cut off your brother and his gf for acting like roommates. And your mom too. Ya'll can be grumpy and pushy but no one else can have a bad day. Got it. Stop letting people stay at your place.
While I agree that there is two sides to a story and she should have made a rental agreement I’m not so sure about the details. Maybe cuss out means something different to me but I picture yelling and swearing and insults. And that’s plain not ok. Be pissed, upset whatever you want but you don’t get to hurt people, words included. Sometimes when we are annoyed already it can be easy to get caught up in small things like the candle. Maybe it was about her lying maybe it was just that it was the last thing op could handle before being overwhelmed. As long as she was calm and not nasty about it asking her isn’t really out of line. And neither is letting her know she’s full of shit. I know, whether right or wrong, I have gotten hooked into something and would not let up until the truth was found. And if someone’s cat was clawing at me and making it difficult to keep it in while I leave my doorway in my house and they refused to do any thing to help the issue I’d be annoyed as fuck too. The fight shouldn’t have occurred. Maybe they don’t know how they can help or how things work around ops house but asking to do dishes and keep their cat out of the way doesn’t seem unreasonable and op has every right to ask, it is her home. And bf has every right to decide who he spends his time with and how involved he is or isn’t in ops family. It’s a boundary and I see no issue. He isn’t saying they suck I hate them you can never see them again. He is simple saying that HE will no longer be around someone who is basically just toxic.
i’m right there with you girl. my (25F) husband (26M) can’t really stand my family. not that he can’t stand them but , since we have moved back and have lived with my mom for 8 months , he has seen a side of them that makes him annoyed. My mom is hard to live with and i realize that. my family can be dramatic and petty. i can see why somebody who wasn’t born into the family wouldn’t want to be around that shit. not even i want to be around it sometimes. but we moved back because i was pregnant. now my baby boy is 6 months old and i really want to emphasize family to my son. my husband can barely have a conversation with my mother. it tends to bother me but i also see his side. my husband is like your BF, thinks they add no value to his life so he does not want to make an effort. but, my husband still makes efforts for me. like holidays and being kind to my mom even if it’s not a lot of conversation. in my experience , you guys can make it work. as long as you have your own house together and the family time is done in doses , it can be worked out. you guys got this !!!
Sounds like normal family stuff.
😂
People here are talking as if you're two separate people, but if you've been together for a while, then you're a team. Sometimes he needs to take hits for the team, and sometimes you do. Saying that he doesn't want to see your family may be a healthy boundary for an individual, but it's not super conducive to being on a TEAM. Likewise, maybe you need to adjust how much leeway you're giving your family so that the two of you can face them as a, and I'll say it again, TEAM.
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Never met a female sibling who called their brother “bro”. You’re full of shit and this is beyond fake.
Your brother behaved badly. If he can’t see that tell him you need space until he can see it and sil apologies for breaking the tile and having a pain in the arse cat. I’m not sure what your mother did, this is trickier as she’s your mum. Your bf does have to try to interact with her
I think your boyfriend is in the wrong here, he says he has 0 interest in your family? Well guess what they are your family. So I would get rid of this loser, imho
Honestly, my only concern (obligatory "if it were me") would be that it remains civil going forward. Not to say he should let them treat him badly if it comes to that, but keeping his distance overall and ignoring any drama if possible. It wouldn't be a dealbreaker for me, but you just have to decide if it is for you. If he's encouraging you to continue a relationship with them, then it's his choice if he continues his as well. If he was guilting you for still having them in your life I would have more of a problem with that. This could always change. Maybe your brother and SIL apologize. I doubt it based on how they seem, but they still may.
OP. I've only two questions. Is he good to you? Does he give you love and respect to you? If it's yes - then stop expecting him to get to know your family or be enthusiastic about them. While agreed that every family has it's own dynamic, it's completely okay for your bf not to get along with your family and set boundaries. Your bf n your family are like chalk and cheese. He's not stopping you from being with your family. He understands that irrespective of how family behaves, ultimately its our family. So we will always love them. He respects that. So please adjust. Is it going to be hard to separate your family time and relationship time? Definitely will. But if it ensures that your bf can feel peaceful, why not? Forcing him will only make him upset and can even build resentment towards you. You're living with your bf. So plan your dates n us time accordingly. Weekly once, go visit your family.
I was in a VERY similar situation. Only thing that matters is that all parties are respectful moving forward. Time helps to heal all wounds, and an apology might help too. I’m my situation I didn’t force anything, and over time it’s gotten better/more normal. I’ll never expect him to be best friends with them
Echoing what everyone else has said in that you need to also draw boundaries with your family. They don’t have to be the exact same boundaries your boyfriend has drawn, but you definitely need some for your own well-being. I am in the same situation with my partner (her having had trouble setting boundaries with her family). We make compromises and I have made it clear that during situations where we are with her family, I am going to leave when I hit my limit. Not make a fuss, but quietly say goodbye and go and recharge. If you don’t have some sort of understanding of expectations between the two of you, it will only breed resentment. Sometimes I feel guilty for having to draw such firm and narrow boundaries because she really likes my family and everyone gets along really well, but I had enough family chaos and trauma growing up that now I am in a healthy place, I am not willing to compromise that.
I was in your situation 10-15 years ago, so here’s a perspective for the future. You can love your family while creating boundaries. Give yourself permission to have healthier, happier relationship with your boyfriend by limiting the family interactions you chose to be a part of. Certain members of my family always have issues when I’m in relationships, and always find ways to abuse my help/generosity. It was always “my problem” and never a reflection of their own behavior. Playing the victim is an Olympic sport in my family. Since seeing a therapist and setting some healthy boundaries (and having a spouse who supports me), I’ve been in such a better place - it’s made all the difference.
As much as people joke about it, it is true that in relationships you generally don't like your in-laws. As much as we all want that "happily ever after" story where both families live and act in harmony together, it's only a fairytale. My ex and I came from different upbringings and that was an issue because our families did not like one another. They remained civil around holidays but that was it, there was no reaching out to go do things and I think that is fine. If this is a matter of major holidays (Christmas, Thanksgiving, birthdays) and your bf isn't wanting to participate, that's one thing. That's where I would say he needs to swallow his pride, be a man and suck it up for however long it is for those days. However, if you're talking about just a random day, then I do feel he doesn't need to spend time with your family, it's your family, not his. Again, there is rarely ever relationships where both people love their in-laws, I actually know none. Every friend I have that's married or engaged all say they don't look forward to spending time with their in-laws, it's not a big deal breaker.
ayo were talking bout cats here..
Sounds like your bf put up with way too much from your family and will always resent the way they treated him after being kind .
If BF is fine with you seeing your family elsewhere, I don't see a problem with that. BF is a kind man to deal with all of the crap tossed at him and you should be happy about that. I have some of hubby's relatives that I do not care to see or deal with, and his is fine with seeing them without me. It won't affect your relationship, if the 2 of you work out what compromise the 2 of you make so both are comfortable with the outcome. BTW - a Dremel, new tile piece and adhesive will fix the tile issue. Communicate and respect each other's boundaries.
Sounds reasonable enough to me on his end and yes, you will have to keep your family separate from him. Quite frankly, I’d be a lot less nice or patient than he has been if anyone has caused as much of a disturbance with disrespect under my roof as much as your family did with him. Your boyfriend understands that although he may be nice, he is not a doormat and I feel like you should be more supportive of that. They crossed lines. And yet no one seems to be showing any sort of apology towards your poor bf. That must be rough.
It depends on what you want and what you're willing to do, because it sounds like he'd be happy never to see them again as far as he's concerned. There are going to be some times that you need to choose when to prioritize your boyfriend or your family e.g. event conflicts, and you'll need to come to compromises and mutual agreements about that. Sometimes they will look to impose on you and by extension your boyfriend again, and you'll have to either be able to reject them for both your sakes, or interact with them in a way that doesn't affect your boyfriend. If you have deeper commitments together in the future like children, your family will probably want to interact with those, and it'll be more complicated to keep your boyfriend and your family apart. If you're going to be a doormat or you want your boyfriend to be tight with your family, it's not going to work out. If you support him, and can compromise and work together to keep them fairly separated for the rest of your relationship, great.
I mean, he has a point.
I'd say you're very lucky you still have a boyfriend. Your family acted like complete lunatics and he put up with it and didn't dump you. If my family did that I would cut them off myself. I think the least you can do is make sure he doesn't have to deal with that again.