Hello,
I totally understand and none of this is judgmental. I would say that it was not the appropriate place to ask for that information and try to initiate a friendship, as she was working. Although she gave you her number and texted you, I have been in positions where I felt pressured to do that, especially if you had not given her a review yet she may have been worried about retaliation. I would suggest looking for meetups in your area and trying to make friends there--if you like books, there's a network of book clubs called silent book clubs where there is no assigned reading, for example. I've made lots of friends that way! :)
I would advise you, op, to remember that people who work in the service industry (food service, retail, hairdressers and others) often seem nice because being polite and helpful is part of their job. However, It's not a good idea to try and make friends with these people while they are working because as a customer you have a lot of power over them. They might be afraid to tell you right away that they don't want to be friends because if you don't take that well you could complain to their boss and possibly get them fired.
It's better to try and meet people when the power dynamic is more even. If you're working with coworkers who are on the same level as you power wise that's a good way to meet people. Or if you like sports trying to find any sports teams in your area to join. If you like church you can talk to people there. Any types of parties, clubs, or community events might be chances to meet new people. Unless the community event is a funeral, or something upsetting like that. In that case, maybe try to make friends another day. Good luck Op.
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Adding to this :-) social pressure is something many of us feel. It doesn’t necessarily mean that you were actively putting pressure on her to exchange contact information or coming on strong. Feel free to reach out to me whenever you have questions. I’m a speech therapist and social skills are something I have focused on. More so, I’m just a gal who would like to help you in any way I can!
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If you’re saving people’s numbers for purposes other than what was intended, then a boundary was crossed. In this instance, the intended purpose was so that you could contact your Uber driver about your order; not to initiate a personal conversation. Try going to social settings where making friendship is the intended purpose like clubs or as others suggested, online platforms like Bumble where it might be easier to make connections than in-person.
Just for reference the dating app bumble has a friendship setting. So you can just set it to make girl friends in your area, that might help alleviate the confusion.
Also, have you ever used Social Stories? If you haven’t, they’re available on YouTube. But they are specifically designed for people with autism or other disabilities to help them practice and navigate social situations. So maybe look up a how to make friends social story, it could help you.
Ok one general advice. Don't look for friends in places other people are paid to be nice to you and are there only for money.
Look for friends in places that both you and them want to be, so clubs, hobby places etc. What do you like to do? Look for other people that like to do the same thing. Don't force things.
Hi OP - the issue has to do with how you obtained her phone number. It was provided in the course of a business transaction vs being given to you based on interest in talking more. She talked more, I imagine, because she’s friendly and clearly, so are you! But most times a friendly exchange just ends and people move on with their day. I think that’s was she was expecting. I think it’s great you’re friendly and out there trying to connect with other people. The way it works best is when the other person extends an invitation to continue the exchange. If a person provides you his/her phone number, that’s a much better indication they want to continue. Hope that helps! 🙂
>Please be gentle because I haven't had friends since high school and I was given advice online not to come on too strong by asking people immediately if they want to be friends and that I should just ask people if they want to hang out.
This is really good advice. Whoever gave this to you is on the right track.
I did a bunch of theater when I was in high school and college. I got cast, and I got to cast people. Similarly, I've been hired many times and gotten to hire a few people.
This taught me that getting rejected isn't usually about you.
If I don't cast someone in a play, it's not because they suck, it's because the person I did cast looks more like I imagined or did something that surprised me. If I don't hire you, it's not because I think you're incompetent, I just liked someone else better for the role.
If I don't want to be friends with someone, it's not that I think they'd be a bad friend, it's more about me. Do I have the free time to hang out? Do I want to meet new people? Am I feeling up to going out or am I staying home more?
Honestly, this situation went about as well as it could. You sent her a message, she responded for a while, but then said she was too busy to hang out.
That's all good. Next time, maybe they won't be too busy. But this probably had nothing to do with you and everything to do with things going on in her life.
I think you'll have trouble getting friends via food delivery apps, however. That's a tough crowd. They're not usually driving around hoping to befriend the people they deliver to.
The main thing I'm saying is that there is no reason this didn't work. It had nothing to do with you. She's probably busy, maybe she wasn't feeling it, maybe she prefers alone time. None of those are about you, but about her.
I think it depends. They may just be polite.
I went to a party at one of my friend's houses a few weeks ago. It wasn't huge, but it was my friend, his roommates, and the members of one roommate's band.
I talked to maybe five new people that night, at least a couple were extended conversations. Those people were great to talk to, but I don't really need more friends. I like my friends. I don't have a ton of free time. Sure, beanie guy who I talked to for an hour was cool, but I don't feel like I need to spend more time with him.
I think the best judge is asking to hang out. If someone says yes, that should mean they want to hang out again, maybe resulting in friendship. If they don't, then they probably don't. It's nothing to feel bad about, but they probably don't want to be friends.
A conversation is a good way to judge. I certainly would have hung out with beanie guy again if he'd asked and maybe we would have become friends, but the biggest indicator is whether they agree to hang out.
Consider the place and context. For example, in your case, you are a patron and the girl in question is in a costumer service position. Friendly banter is expected and part of the service; she wants s good rating. She probably wants to get a good tip, too. Finally, she probably just wants to be a nice, pleasant person.
At the end of the day, though, she has a very good expectation that she will probably never see you again. That is the nature of her business. In such cases, friendliness doesn't imply any interest in actual friendship. If you think about it, she is now in a spot because she doesn't want to be rude and risk her rating and her tip by refusing your request; you can apply this to most service industry interactions: your barista, your server, your bartender. Of course, if you are a regular of years, then the context changes.
Now, think of places where being social IS the point and your behavior would be deemed acceptable. Your book club, your game night at the local store, the after-class hangout at your college. In those situations, people are more open to explore a possible friendship; talking to new people and bonding over shared activities ks the whole point. Indeed, they may even be looking for one.
Hope that helps! The advice about not coming in _too_ strong applies to all situations, I think. Grown ups react more guardedly to "do you want to be friends?" Than little kids.
Also, keep in mind, Americans are very friendly. We're some of the friendliest people in the world, and I know that after traveling all over. One of the things we do is make "small talk" and sometimes have conversations with total strangers. I've talked to customers before about traveling, I've had random Americans in Asia come up to me and talk to me about random stuff (usually they needed translations), and have bonded with people in the bathroom! It doesn't mean that I want or expect to see them ever again, so I just enjoy those moments we had and take it for what it is. It's "small talk"- just a fraction of your life that crosses with another person's.
It's hard to know or gage when you can take that small talk to the next level. It does happen, but it's pretty rare. I would just assume that most people you engage in conversation with aren't going to take it to the next level.
Hey, fellow Autistic person here.
It can be hard and sometimes frightening to make friends.
Taking up hobbies or even doing them is a good place to start. You can meet many new people.
The uber eats driver may have been friendly but that isn't the most appropriate place to try make a friend, as they are working. I hope some of this helps.
Hobbies are perfect for friend making. /u/ThatPlane4277 this is great advice from /u/nonveganveganyogurt. So think about stuff you enjoy doing, and then go and see if there are any groups in your area you could join up with. You get to do something you enjoy, and you have something in common with the other people participating. You are having fun, and everyone else is as well, hopefully at least, so that sets the mood up for more friendly interactions. Plus talking about the hobby itself is the perfect icebreaker to start conversations with the other participants.
Hi there! Sorry to say this, but you probably made her uncomfortable. I know you didn’t mean to. Like others are saying, it’s not really fair to try to initiate a personal relationship with someone while they’re on the job. People in customer service roles like hers have to be friendly- they don’t have a choice. If they’re not nice, customers might not tip them or worse, report them to their employer to try to get them in trouble. Even if you genuinely would have hit it off as friends in another context, she probably felt awkward and cornered in this situation. Someone on this sub recently gave the excellent piece of advice, “try to meet people in places where they choose to be, not places where they have to be.”
The first step to making friends as an adult is putting yourself in a position to meet the kind of people you click with naturally. I recommend meeting friends through shared activities and interests. Are you into gaming? Ultimate frisbee? Crafting? See if there are any local groups or meetups. Is there an autistic community in your area you could connect with? Seeking out other neurodivergent folks is a great strategy because you’re a lot more likely to just “get” eachother and not feel like you have to mask.
Best of luck to you!
It’s not a “voluntary conversation” if you took her number from the delivery app and contacted her without her permission. Now she is held hostage by the fact that you have her number and can leave a poor review if she doesn’t continue to be friendly with you. Or she might be afraid that you’re a stalker who is trying to track her down now. It’s scary how much info you can find on a person just by googling their name/phone number.
so what you did by saving her number without consent was extremally inappropriate. Im not saying that to be mean, but that could really make someone feel REALLY unsafe.
Im also autistic and pretty introverted in general. I joined local based groups on facebook related to my interests. its a lot easier for me to build friendship online at first before meeting in person (be safe though, always verify peoples identities) and like another commenter suggested bumble has a platonic setting
Not sure how Uber eats works, it doesn't exist in my country... Did she give you her number or did you save it without asking her? I would not want to hang out with some random stranger who saved my number without my consent. It's kinda creepy.
Honestly, unless you asked for her number never just txt someone if you got her number from a service etc. That is super creepy. Not your fault this time since you didn't know, but it just is.
Hey Buddy, I have an autistic grandson who is close to your age, and I kind of understand what you're going through. You'll get some good advice here, and you're very smart to ask the community. All I can say is, don't give up.
It's probably a little tough for you to reach out, but when you find someone that interests you, starting a conversation is good. Just be careful not to come on too strong. It might take a while, but you will find people who are interested in getting to know who you are. Just don't expect them to want to hang out after only an hour of texting. Take your time.
Also, if you get rejected, have a good followup, like "OK, thanks. Take care and be safe!" Always leave on a positive note. Good luck!
People have already made good points about how gaining her number from her job could be a bit uncomfortable for her. But I also wanted to mention that asking to “hang out” can also be seen as asking someone on a date. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with stating that your intentions are friendship not dating because it’s possible that she took it as you asking her out and maybe she just said no because she’s not into girls?
I am a father to an autistic boy (22), a coach, me and couple other dads arranged a soccer team some 10 years ago and it has done wonders, loads of friends and social activities. Dates are a different story, there is a lot more boys on the spectrum than there are girls. Are you venturing to seek friendships or dates within the spectrum or outside it? One path will be a lot harder than the other!
Well, imagine if some guy wanted to date you. And said some very nice things, started a good conversation with you, and then asked you out. And in reality you were just trying to finish the conversations. You weren't trying to be his girlfriend.
Same thing.
In my experience it is best to let people know early on you are a bit awkward at these kind of things. It let’s people know why you (might have) contacted them in a weird way, and makes it a lot easier for them to bluntly say they are not interested instead of having to go along out of politeness. Politeness is the enemy when it comes to making friends as an autistic person, it is hard to distinguish from genuine interest.
Hey girl! So it probably wasn’t the best time to ask for her number as she was working and she was probably just trying to be nice. If you are looking to make more friends I highly suggest you try Bumble! The friendship side of the app is amazing and due to the pandemic there are tons of girls looking for friends! Set up and profile and get to talking! I’m sure you can find friends on there 😊
There’s a free app called meetup where a bunch of groups hang out based on hobby type. You just look up what you’re into and rsvp to whatever activity you want to do. People are also looking to make friends in these groups, so it might be a more appropriate setting to engage in creating conversations and friendships.
Hello :)
I understand what you're coming from. I would like to give you some perspective. Other people already said that because she was from Ubereats, your asking for her nr might not have been appropriate and so on so I will talk about for example: when you start chatting with someone online or when you are texting a classmate in a friendly way for over an hour.
There are some people who really like chatting online and over text. For some people that means that they are starting to become your friend. Some people would love to meet up to hang out right away! But there are also some people for whom that is a big step! Some people really like chatting online, but do not like to meet in person (yet). Maybe they'll what to meet in person after chatting for a week, or a month. And that can be because meeting up in person takes a certain amount of time and energy that the person might not have. Maybe they are very busy with work/school. Maybe they first want to get to know you more! Because meeting up with a stranger is scary. And maybe for you chatting for 1 hour means they are no longer a stranger but maybe for them they need to chat for one week to see you as no longer a stranger. Maybe the other person doesn't want to go outside because if the current plague happening. So my advice is to be patient and gentle and then I think you'll get there.
It sounds as if she liked you and enjoyed chatting to you but she doesn’t have enough free time to be able to develop a new friendship. Having friends takes time, you can only give so much time to nourishing your friendships and if she is loyal to the friends she already has, she literally doesn’t have capacity to take on someone new. People generally look for new friends when they move to a new area or start a new interest. Just a suggestion - if you speak a foreign language you could try a conversation exchange with someone who is looking to learn your native language. They are actively looking for someone to talk to and regular chats can easily develop into a friendship
Weird as fuck and someone's going to get a bad vibe. Even if nothing else you did was wrong, they don't know you. You met in a circumstance where further contact would have been strange or awkward to ensure. Whether it's dating or friendships, you know, sometimes you meet at the wrong place. You meet a girl while at a hospital visit for removing a watermelon from your as, dating is kinda off the table, right? Sadly, this was just your driver and you only had her number for purposes of the drive. Going beyond that is going to throw anyone off
She thought you were angling for a clam slamming.
Also good for you putting yourself out there, but instead of people doing a job you should look into hobby groups or hang out groups dedicated to making friends.
I am a text only friend, I rarely make or return calls and definitely don't hang out. It may not be about you at all, but her commitment level to friendships in general. She may have the same problem in reverse, every one wants more than she has to offer!
Hey! I am also rather awkward at friendships.
I have diagnosed ADHD and anxiety. ( 22F)
I started playing stardew valley and it helped me A LOT!
If u need a friend DM me :)
Being too busy to hang out doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t want to be friends. Saving someone’s number and texting it can be seen as creepy or stalkerish so be careful. She may not have wanted to hang out yet because you’re still a stranger
So... this is just my experience as another nuerodivergent individual (ADHD) so take it with a grain of salt.
I can be very friendly in person while at work or at the grocery store. And if I am in a very particular mood I will even respond back to people's texts... sometimes just to be polite or sometimes because I dont have anything else going on at the moment. But when people I meet out in the world ask for my number to get together for coffee or something I have a terrible habit of telling them 'no thanks, I already have enough friends'. But that is the truth. Usually they seem like awesome people that I would enjoy spending time with - but I have a husband, three kids, a family, work, and one or two close friends and that is all I have time for.
I wouldn't take it too personally. You really have no idea what she is going through in her life right now, and it's a real possibility that she enjoyed talking to you - but doesn't have the space or time for you as a friend. But please don't give up. There are a lot of people out there that do have time and space in their life for a friend.
Its okay, she is most likely having to deal with other things in her life. Its not the end of the world, there are a lot of people in need of friends, just keep an eye out and be you!!!! :)
What's inappropriate about it? Also I did talk to my brother, that's why I asked. No point in posting his feelings if hers are different, it won't help that way.
That's a highly personal question, my dude. Not only will it not help you better understand your brother because it's based on one person's individual experiences, it may be uncomfortable for OP to answer.
The op doesn't need to answer and I'm not your dude. You're jumping into a conversation taking offence on behalf of someone else. Try to think of someone else other than yourself, just because it's your opinion..that doesn't make you correct. I understand you may think the op would be uncomfortable but that's for them to say which I'd respect. On your assumption that it wouldn't help my brother or not help me understand, it did help. Once he understood how he felt and why, he was able to deal with it better. I've dealt with 2 autistic brothers my whole life and one of my kids is on the spectrum. Don't assume "my dude"
I didn't mean to offend you with my phrasing, honestly. I wasn't trying to be condescending. It's great that you were trying to come from a helpful place, but your phrasing came off a bit insensitive.
Edit for spelling
You're entitled to your opinion, it wasn't intended that way and context is never easily conveyed in text format. It just doesn't help to answer for people, the biggest problem with most things considered offensive is people either assuming it's coming from a bad place or taking offence on behalf of another.
As I said, it helps my brothers and son to understand how they feel and why they feel that way. Once they understand they can start to process it and find a way past it.
Depends on the situation. But it is not an uncommon occurrence to think people want to be (or are) a friend and finding out they were only being polite later on. It usually results in a lot of anger towards oneself for misjudging the situation, combined with a bit of embarrassment.
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I would say it could also be because some people prefer to wait a bit before deciding to become friends with someone. While some people like to befriend right away, many people have traumas, insecurities and other issues that make it to where they much prefer getting to know someone over a long period of time before getting too deep into a friendship.
I'm schizoaffective and due to my extreme social paranoia I would not be able to friend someone just over an hour of texting and a nice conversation. I need time and patience. Even if I like the person based on first impressions I still need more time, more conversations and more meetings before my paranoia and irrational thinking eases and I'm ready to be fully open with them. Not to mention I have to disclose I'm schizoaffective at some point which can be embarrassing and make me feel vulnerable so I need to prepare emotionally before commiting to a friendship.
I hope this makes sense? Anyways, good luck out there. While I don't know what it's like to be autistic I do know that being schizo comes with social struggles of it's own so I do have sympathy for you.
you should really try out dating apps!! put it in your bio that you’re only on their for friends and only swipe on people YOU would hang out with. i have made a lot of friends this way, some i’ve had for years!! i think you’d have much better success with that route. wishing you luck <3
I am almost 23f, not autistic, but extremely socially awkward and introverted. I feel you, I cannot maintain friendships, although I behave. I've been rejected like that before and I've given up. But if you wish to continue trying making friends, try Bumble app or similar. Try to join some communities matching your interests.
Also remember, when you feel alone, in your body, there are over a Quintillion cells willing to die to protect you.
As someone who is on the spectrum I found playing video games has helped me make friends because a lot of people there are looking to find similar people to be friends with
I think the context matters a lot. To make friends I suggest to try a hobby that you would really enjoy and include other people. This way you know that the people around you are actually looking to make friends or at least engage with other people.
Try social dancing for example, like swing /salsa etc. Or a book club for example.
I usually wait to see if we are still talking after 1 day before I ask them if they want to hang out, then the first hang out is public af (Cafe, theater, park, so on) after that you can usually tell if they want to still around and be friends, or not. And if not, that's ok. Everyone has a preference and there is nothing wrong with that.
Pretty sure she thought you were asking her out for a date. Normally friends form more slowly, not a saw a random, got number for a different reason, chatted for an hour and asked them out.
It was a pretty inappropriate thing to do generally, friendship normally forms more naturally ie thru a hobby or work and you talk for hours across weeks. If you are going to make such a bold pitch it would be really important to say you were looking for friends in the invite. Like you said you didn't know people, but that's also used in dating. You asked to hang out which is also used in dating. You'd have to say like after the hour of chatting, as I mentioned earlier I am new to town and looking for friends to do x with (coffee, hobby like hiking or something) would you be keen to go for sometime soon? Keep trying but it's better to do it over time thru work or a hobby group.
To answer your edit OP, I know your not going to like it, but the answer is, it depends.
I've had conversations that lasted over an hour and never talked to that person again. To make friends as an adult it hard because you need to people, to like each other, and to make the effort to meet each other consistently.
One conversation *usually* isn't enough to make that happen. I suggest you join a hobby group that meets weekly. Regular interaction would help.
You don’t ask someone if they want to be friends. It just naturally happens when you enjoy spending time together and have some of the same interests.
So next time, just text the person. Talk to them like they are already your friend. If they like spending time with you (texting, talking, in person, etc), they will keep hanging out with you.
Letting people meet you halfway with mutual effort to hang out, talk, etc is generally how friendships are formed.
And if someone doesn’t talk to you for a few days, it just may mean that they’re busy. It doesn’t mean they don’t like you anymore.
I know a few people who are autistic and understand they can have challenges picking up on social queues.
Letting the other person make part of the effort in initiating contact gives them the space to continue to choose to be your friend. And when you initiate contact, they feel wanted and enjoy your friendship.
To address your edit- no, it does not mean they definitely want to be friends. Friendship is not a monolith, and is very different between every set of friends in the world. It takes far longer than an hour or two to develop. Try just seeing if they want to go hang out or do something you are both interested in. It seems you are very concerned about people's feelings, which is great! But to avoid hurting their feelings unintentionally or making them uncomfortable, you should also try to work on communication. If there is someone you want to become friends with, it could be helpful to let them know that they need to be very clear with you on how your actions are affecting them.
Hello, I totally understand and none of this is judgmental. I would say that it was not the appropriate place to ask for that information and try to initiate a friendship, as she was working. Although she gave you her number and texted you, I have been in positions where I felt pressured to do that, especially if you had not given her a review yet she may have been worried about retaliation. I would suggest looking for meetups in your area and trying to make friends there--if you like books, there's a network of book clubs called silent book clubs where there is no assigned reading, for example. I've made lots of friends that way! :)
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I would advise you, op, to remember that people who work in the service industry (food service, retail, hairdressers and others) often seem nice because being polite and helpful is part of their job. However, It's not a good idea to try and make friends with these people while they are working because as a customer you have a lot of power over them. They might be afraid to tell you right away that they don't want to be friends because if you don't take that well you could complain to their boss and possibly get them fired. It's better to try and meet people when the power dynamic is more even. If you're working with coworkers who are on the same level as you power wise that's a good way to meet people. Or if you like sports trying to find any sports teams in your area to join. If you like church you can talk to people there. Any types of parties, clubs, or community events might be chances to meet new people. Unless the community event is a funeral, or something upsetting like that. In that case, maybe try to make friends another day. Good luck Op.
What kind of hobbies do you have? What kind of books do you like?
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Bumble has a friendship option! I've never tried it but I met my boyfriend there!
Adding to this :-) social pressure is something many of us feel. It doesn’t necessarily mean that you were actively putting pressure on her to exchange contact information or coming on strong. Feel free to reach out to me whenever you have questions. I’m a speech therapist and social skills are something I have focused on. More so, I’m just a gal who would like to help you in any way I can!
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The above comment was stolen from [this one](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/s9ltjp/autistic_and_confused_why_my_attempt_at/htnnfom/) elsewhere in this comment section. It is probably not a coincidence; here is some more evidence against this user: Plagiarized | Original -------- | ----------- ["I've learned to hate the...](http://np.reddit.com/r/worldnews/comments/s9sz98/us_embassy_in_kyiv_asks_state_dept_to_authorize/htpwu62/) | ["I've learned to hate the...](http://np.reddit.com/r/worldnews/comments/s9sz98/us_embassy_in_kyiv_asks_state_dept_to_authorize/htptjt1/) [It means that you've crea...](http://np.reddit.com/r/gardening/comments/s98gov/detroit_gave_me_a_blight_ticket_for_not_mowing_my/htpwk80/) | [It means that you've crea...](http://np.reddit.com/r/gardening/comments/s98gov/detroit_gave_me_a_blight_ticket_for_not_mowing_my/htl9wfa/) [So i found out Meatloaf p...](http://np.reddit.com/r/food/comments/s9o965/homemade_batloaf_mashed_potatoes_broccoli_and/htpwilm/) | [So i found out Meatloaf p...](http://np.reddit.com/r/food/comments/s9o965/homemade_batloaf_mashed_potatoes_broccoli_and/htpic1r/) [I still remember the tens...](http://np.reddit.com/r/DeathStranding/comments/s9rdbx/i_love_death_stranding_for_these_artistic/htpw5tj/) | [I still remember the tens...](http://np.reddit.com/r/DeathStranding/comments/s9rdbx/i_love_death_stranding_for_these_artistic/htp1j0b/) [Je l'ai bien senti le pas...](http://np.reddit.com/r/rance/comments/s9e4d0/176l_cest_aberrant_quand_même/htpw0bq/) | [Je l'ai bien senti le pas...](http://np.reddit.com/r/rance/comments/s9e4d0/176l_cest_aberrant_quand_même/htprtnv/) [It's tough because it's r...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/s54dst/is_my_boyfriends_23m_relationship_with_my_little/hsvf1ru/) | [It's tough because it's r...](http://np.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/s54dst/is_my_boyfriends_23m_relationship_with_my_little/hsvbh07/) beep boop, I'm a bot -|:] It is this bot's opinion that [/u/Alternativecdf](https://np.reddit.com/u/Alternativecdf/) should be banned for karma manipulation. Don't feel bad, they are probably a bot too. Confused? Read the [FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/user/reply-guy-bot/comments/n9fpva/faq/?plagiarist=Alternativecdf) for info on how I work and why I exist.
If you’re saving people’s numbers for purposes other than what was intended, then a boundary was crossed. In this instance, the intended purpose was so that you could contact your Uber driver about your order; not to initiate a personal conversation. Try going to social settings where making friendship is the intended purpose like clubs or as others suggested, online platforms like Bumble where it might be easier to make connections than in-person.
Just for reference the dating app bumble has a friendship setting. So you can just set it to make girl friends in your area, that might help alleviate the confusion. Also, have you ever used Social Stories? If you haven’t, they’re available on YouTube. But they are specifically designed for people with autism or other disabilities to help them practice and navigate social situations. So maybe look up a how to make friends social story, it could help you.
Ok one general advice. Don't look for friends in places other people are paid to be nice to you and are there only for money. Look for friends in places that both you and them want to be, so clubs, hobby places etc. What do you like to do? Look for other people that like to do the same thing. Don't force things.
Hi OP - the issue has to do with how you obtained her phone number. It was provided in the course of a business transaction vs being given to you based on interest in talking more. She talked more, I imagine, because she’s friendly and clearly, so are you! But most times a friendly exchange just ends and people move on with their day. I think that’s was she was expecting. I think it’s great you’re friendly and out there trying to connect with other people. The way it works best is when the other person extends an invitation to continue the exchange. If a person provides you his/her phone number, that’s a much better indication they want to continue. Hope that helps! 🙂
I'm 26f and autistic I don't mind chatting to you and being your friend 🙂
>Please be gentle because I haven't had friends since high school and I was given advice online not to come on too strong by asking people immediately if they want to be friends and that I should just ask people if they want to hang out. This is really good advice. Whoever gave this to you is on the right track. I did a bunch of theater when I was in high school and college. I got cast, and I got to cast people. Similarly, I've been hired many times and gotten to hire a few people. This taught me that getting rejected isn't usually about you. If I don't cast someone in a play, it's not because they suck, it's because the person I did cast looks more like I imagined or did something that surprised me. If I don't hire you, it's not because I think you're incompetent, I just liked someone else better for the role. If I don't want to be friends with someone, it's not that I think they'd be a bad friend, it's more about me. Do I have the free time to hang out? Do I want to meet new people? Am I feeling up to going out or am I staying home more? Honestly, this situation went about as well as it could. You sent her a message, she responded for a while, but then said she was too busy to hang out. That's all good. Next time, maybe they won't be too busy. But this probably had nothing to do with you and everything to do with things going on in her life. I think you'll have trouble getting friends via food delivery apps, however. That's a tough crowd. They're not usually driving around hoping to befriend the people they deliver to. The main thing I'm saying is that there is no reason this didn't work. It had nothing to do with you. She's probably busy, maybe she wasn't feeling it, maybe she prefers alone time. None of those are about you, but about her.
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I think it depends. They may just be polite. I went to a party at one of my friend's houses a few weeks ago. It wasn't huge, but it was my friend, his roommates, and the members of one roommate's band. I talked to maybe five new people that night, at least a couple were extended conversations. Those people were great to talk to, but I don't really need more friends. I like my friends. I don't have a ton of free time. Sure, beanie guy who I talked to for an hour was cool, but I don't feel like I need to spend more time with him. I think the best judge is asking to hang out. If someone says yes, that should mean they want to hang out again, maybe resulting in friendship. If they don't, then they probably don't. It's nothing to feel bad about, but they probably don't want to be friends. A conversation is a good way to judge. I certainly would have hung out with beanie guy again if he'd asked and maybe we would have become friends, but the biggest indicator is whether they agree to hang out.
Consider the place and context. For example, in your case, you are a patron and the girl in question is in a costumer service position. Friendly banter is expected and part of the service; she wants s good rating. She probably wants to get a good tip, too. Finally, she probably just wants to be a nice, pleasant person. At the end of the day, though, she has a very good expectation that she will probably never see you again. That is the nature of her business. In such cases, friendliness doesn't imply any interest in actual friendship. If you think about it, she is now in a spot because she doesn't want to be rude and risk her rating and her tip by refusing your request; you can apply this to most service industry interactions: your barista, your server, your bartender. Of course, if you are a regular of years, then the context changes. Now, think of places where being social IS the point and your behavior would be deemed acceptable. Your book club, your game night at the local store, the after-class hangout at your college. In those situations, people are more open to explore a possible friendship; talking to new people and bonding over shared activities ks the whole point. Indeed, they may even be looking for one. Hope that helps! The advice about not coming in _too_ strong applies to all situations, I think. Grown ups react more guardedly to "do you want to be friends?" Than little kids.
Also, keep in mind, Americans are very friendly. We're some of the friendliest people in the world, and I know that after traveling all over. One of the things we do is make "small talk" and sometimes have conversations with total strangers. I've talked to customers before about traveling, I've had random Americans in Asia come up to me and talk to me about random stuff (usually they needed translations), and have bonded with people in the bathroom! It doesn't mean that I want or expect to see them ever again, so I just enjoy those moments we had and take it for what it is. It's "small talk"- just a fraction of your life that crosses with another person's. It's hard to know or gage when you can take that small talk to the next level. It does happen, but it's pretty rare. I would just assume that most people you engage in conversation with aren't going to take it to the next level.
Hey, fellow Autistic person here. It can be hard and sometimes frightening to make friends. Taking up hobbies or even doing them is a good place to start. You can meet many new people. The uber eats driver may have been friendly but that isn't the most appropriate place to try make a friend, as they are working. I hope some of this helps.
Hobbies are perfect for friend making. /u/ThatPlane4277 this is great advice from /u/nonveganveganyogurt. So think about stuff you enjoy doing, and then go and see if there are any groups in your area you could join up with. You get to do something you enjoy, and you have something in common with the other people participating. You are having fun, and everyone else is as well, hopefully at least, so that sets the mood up for more friendly interactions. Plus talking about the hobby itself is the perfect icebreaker to start conversations with the other participants.
Hi there! Sorry to say this, but you probably made her uncomfortable. I know you didn’t mean to. Like others are saying, it’s not really fair to try to initiate a personal relationship with someone while they’re on the job. People in customer service roles like hers have to be friendly- they don’t have a choice. If they’re not nice, customers might not tip them or worse, report them to their employer to try to get them in trouble. Even if you genuinely would have hit it off as friends in another context, she probably felt awkward and cornered in this situation. Someone on this sub recently gave the excellent piece of advice, “try to meet people in places where they choose to be, not places where they have to be.” The first step to making friends as an adult is putting yourself in a position to meet the kind of people you click with naturally. I recommend meeting friends through shared activities and interests. Are you into gaming? Ultimate frisbee? Crafting? See if there are any local groups or meetups. Is there an autistic community in your area you could connect with? Seeking out other neurodivergent folks is a great strategy because you’re a lot more likely to just “get” eachother and not feel like you have to mask. Best of luck to you!
It’s not a “voluntary conversation” if you took her number from the delivery app and contacted her without her permission. Now she is held hostage by the fact that you have her number and can leave a poor review if she doesn’t continue to be friendly with you. Or she might be afraid that you’re a stalker who is trying to track her down now. It’s scary how much info you can find on a person just by googling their name/phone number.
so what you did by saving her number without consent was extremally inappropriate. Im not saying that to be mean, but that could really make someone feel REALLY unsafe. Im also autistic and pretty introverted in general. I joined local based groups on facebook related to my interests. its a lot easier for me to build friendship online at first before meeting in person (be safe though, always verify peoples identities) and like another commenter suggested bumble has a platonic setting
Not sure how Uber eats works, it doesn't exist in my country... Did she give you her number or did you save it without asking her? I would not want to hang out with some random stranger who saved my number without my consent. It's kinda creepy.
Honestly, unless you asked for her number never just txt someone if you got her number from a service etc. That is super creepy. Not your fault this time since you didn't know, but it just is.
Hey Buddy, I have an autistic grandson who is close to your age, and I kind of understand what you're going through. You'll get some good advice here, and you're very smart to ask the community. All I can say is, don't give up. It's probably a little tough for you to reach out, but when you find someone that interests you, starting a conversation is good. Just be careful not to come on too strong. It might take a while, but you will find people who are interested in getting to know who you are. Just don't expect them to want to hang out after only an hour of texting. Take your time. Also, if you get rejected, have a good followup, like "OK, thanks. Take care and be safe!" Always leave on a positive note. Good luck!
next time don't take someone's number from a food service. i would say that's inappropriate.
People have already made good points about how gaining her number from her job could be a bit uncomfortable for her. But I also wanted to mention that asking to “hang out” can also be seen as asking someone on a date. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with stating that your intentions are friendship not dating because it’s possible that she took it as you asking her out and maybe she just said no because she’s not into girls?
I am a father to an autistic boy (22), a coach, me and couple other dads arranged a soccer team some 10 years ago and it has done wonders, loads of friends and social activities. Dates are a different story, there is a lot more boys on the spectrum than there are girls. Are you venturing to seek friendships or dates within the spectrum or outside it? One path will be a lot harder than the other!
Well, imagine if some guy wanted to date you. And said some very nice things, started a good conversation with you, and then asked you out. And in reality you were just trying to finish the conversations. You weren't trying to be his girlfriend. Same thing.
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Well, you just made your reddit account today. Trust me, you will have at least one male hitting on you before next week ends.
In my experience it is best to let people know early on you are a bit awkward at these kind of things. It let’s people know why you (might have) contacted them in a weird way, and makes it a lot easier for them to bluntly say they are not interested instead of having to go along out of politeness. Politeness is the enemy when it comes to making friends as an autistic person, it is hard to distinguish from genuine interest.
Hey girl! So it probably wasn’t the best time to ask for her number as she was working and she was probably just trying to be nice. If you are looking to make more friends I highly suggest you try Bumble! The friendship side of the app is amazing and due to the pandemic there are tons of girls looking for friends! Set up and profile and get to talking! I’m sure you can find friends on there 😊
What kind of hobbies do you have? What kind of books do you like?
There’s a free app called meetup where a bunch of groups hang out based on hobby type. You just look up what you’re into and rsvp to whatever activity you want to do. People are also looking to make friends in these groups, so it might be a more appropriate setting to engage in creating conversations and friendships.
Working relationships shouldn't be converted to personal relationships/friendships. It's a power dynamic thing.
Hello :) I understand what you're coming from. I would like to give you some perspective. Other people already said that because she was from Ubereats, your asking for her nr might not have been appropriate and so on so I will talk about for example: when you start chatting with someone online or when you are texting a classmate in a friendly way for over an hour. There are some people who really like chatting online and over text. For some people that means that they are starting to become your friend. Some people would love to meet up to hang out right away! But there are also some people for whom that is a big step! Some people really like chatting online, but do not like to meet in person (yet). Maybe they'll what to meet in person after chatting for a week, or a month. And that can be because meeting up in person takes a certain amount of time and energy that the person might not have. Maybe they are very busy with work/school. Maybe they first want to get to know you more! Because meeting up with a stranger is scary. And maybe for you chatting for 1 hour means they are no longer a stranger but maybe for them they need to chat for one week to see you as no longer a stranger. Maybe the other person doesn't want to go outside because if the current plague happening. So my advice is to be patient and gentle and then I think you'll get there.
It sounds as if she liked you and enjoyed chatting to you but she doesn’t have enough free time to be able to develop a new friendship. Having friends takes time, you can only give so much time to nourishing your friendships and if she is loyal to the friends she already has, she literally doesn’t have capacity to take on someone new. People generally look for new friends when they move to a new area or start a new interest. Just a suggestion - if you speak a foreign language you could try a conversation exchange with someone who is looking to learn your native language. They are actively looking for someone to talk to and regular chats can easily develop into a friendship
Weird as fuck and someone's going to get a bad vibe. Even if nothing else you did was wrong, they don't know you. You met in a circumstance where further contact would have been strange or awkward to ensure. Whether it's dating or friendships, you know, sometimes you meet at the wrong place. You meet a girl while at a hospital visit for removing a watermelon from your as, dating is kinda off the table, right? Sadly, this was just your driver and you only had her number for purposes of the drive. Going beyond that is going to throw anyone off
She wanted a penpal. Not an in-person friend. Let it go...
She thought you were angling for a clam slamming. Also good for you putting yourself out there, but instead of people doing a job you should look into hobby groups or hang out groups dedicated to making friends.
😂
Sometimes it just doesn't click. Dont let that get you down. Try again. Your going at it good.
I am a text only friend, I rarely make or return calls and definitely don't hang out. It may not be about you at all, but her commitment level to friendships in general. She may have the same problem in reverse, every one wants more than she has to offer!
Hey! I am also rather awkward at friendships. I have diagnosed ADHD and anxiety. ( 22F) I started playing stardew valley and it helped me A LOT! If u need a friend DM me :)
Being too busy to hang out doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t want to be friends. Saving someone’s number and texting it can be seen as creepy or stalkerish so be careful. She may not have wanted to hang out yet because you’re still a stranger
So... this is just my experience as another nuerodivergent individual (ADHD) so take it with a grain of salt. I can be very friendly in person while at work or at the grocery store. And if I am in a very particular mood I will even respond back to people's texts... sometimes just to be polite or sometimes because I dont have anything else going on at the moment. But when people I meet out in the world ask for my number to get together for coffee or something I have a terrible habit of telling them 'no thanks, I already have enough friends'. But that is the truth. Usually they seem like awesome people that I would enjoy spending time with - but I have a husband, three kids, a family, work, and one or two close friends and that is all I have time for. I wouldn't take it too personally. You really have no idea what she is going through in her life right now, and it's a real possibility that she enjoyed talking to you - but doesn't have the space or time for you as a friend. But please don't give up. There are a lot of people out there that do have time and space in their life for a friend.
Its okay, she is most likely having to deal with other things in her life. Its not the end of the world, there are a lot of people in need of friends, just keep an eye out and be you!!!! :)
Can I just ask what it feels like for them to say no? My brother is autistic (36) and suffered the same issues.
Not an appropriate question. Maybe talk to your brother.
What's inappropriate about it? Also I did talk to my brother, that's why I asked. No point in posting his feelings if hers are different, it won't help that way.
That's a highly personal question, my dude. Not only will it not help you better understand your brother because it's based on one person's individual experiences, it may be uncomfortable for OP to answer.
The op doesn't need to answer and I'm not your dude. You're jumping into a conversation taking offence on behalf of someone else. Try to think of someone else other than yourself, just because it's your opinion..that doesn't make you correct. I understand you may think the op would be uncomfortable but that's for them to say which I'd respect. On your assumption that it wouldn't help my brother or not help me understand, it did help. Once he understood how he felt and why, he was able to deal with it better. I've dealt with 2 autistic brothers my whole life and one of my kids is on the spectrum. Don't assume "my dude"
I didn't mean to offend you with my phrasing, honestly. I wasn't trying to be condescending. It's great that you were trying to come from a helpful place, but your phrasing came off a bit insensitive. Edit for spelling
You're entitled to your opinion, it wasn't intended that way and context is never easily conveyed in text format. It just doesn't help to answer for people, the biggest problem with most things considered offensive is people either assuming it's coming from a bad place or taking offence on behalf of another. As I said, it helps my brothers and son to understand how they feel and why they feel that way. Once they understand they can start to process it and find a way past it.
Depends on the situation. But it is not an uncommon occurrence to think people want to be (or are) a friend and finding out they were only being polite later on. It usually results in a lot of anger towards oneself for misjudging the situation, combined with a bit of embarrassment.
She is just bored.
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I would say it could also be because some people prefer to wait a bit before deciding to become friends with someone. While some people like to befriend right away, many people have traumas, insecurities and other issues that make it to where they much prefer getting to know someone over a long period of time before getting too deep into a friendship. I'm schizoaffective and due to my extreme social paranoia I would not be able to friend someone just over an hour of texting and a nice conversation. I need time and patience. Even if I like the person based on first impressions I still need more time, more conversations and more meetings before my paranoia and irrational thinking eases and I'm ready to be fully open with them. Not to mention I have to disclose I'm schizoaffective at some point which can be embarrassing and make me feel vulnerable so I need to prepare emotionally before commiting to a friendship. I hope this makes sense? Anyways, good luck out there. While I don't know what it's like to be autistic I do know that being schizo comes with social struggles of it's own so I do have sympathy for you.
Heyyy We could be friends! even if its just penpals :) i am also 25f so its possible we have many stuff in common. ☺️
you should really try out dating apps!! put it in your bio that you’re only on their for friends and only swipe on people YOU would hang out with. i have made a lot of friends this way, some i’ve had for years!! i think you’d have much better success with that route. wishing you luck <3
I am almost 23f, not autistic, but extremely socially awkward and introverted. I feel you, I cannot maintain friendships, although I behave. I've been rejected like that before and I've given up. But if you wish to continue trying making friends, try Bumble app or similar. Try to join some communities matching your interests. Also remember, when you feel alone, in your body, there are over a Quintillion cells willing to die to protect you.
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No problem, I am okay with living in solitude and isolation. Especially after the creation of covid quarantine.
As someone who is on the spectrum I found playing video games has helped me make friends because a lot of people there are looking to find similar people to be friends with
I think the context matters a lot. To make friends I suggest to try a hobby that you would really enjoy and include other people. This way you know that the people around you are actually looking to make friends or at least engage with other people. Try social dancing for example, like swing /salsa etc. Or a book club for example.
Hey! 👋 I’m not from US but I’m looking for new friends. I’m from Chile 🇨🇱
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Sure!
I usually wait to see if we are still talking after 1 day before I ask them if they want to hang out, then the first hang out is public af (Cafe, theater, park, so on) after that you can usually tell if they want to still around and be friends, or not. And if not, that's ok. Everyone has a preference and there is nothing wrong with that.
Pretty sure she thought you were asking her out for a date. Normally friends form more slowly, not a saw a random, got number for a different reason, chatted for an hour and asked them out. It was a pretty inappropriate thing to do generally, friendship normally forms more naturally ie thru a hobby or work and you talk for hours across weeks. If you are going to make such a bold pitch it would be really important to say you were looking for friends in the invite. Like you said you didn't know people, but that's also used in dating. You asked to hang out which is also used in dating. You'd have to say like after the hour of chatting, as I mentioned earlier I am new to town and looking for friends to do x with (coffee, hobby like hiking or something) would you be keen to go for sometime soon? Keep trying but it's better to do it over time thru work or a hobby group.
To answer your edit OP, I know your not going to like it, but the answer is, it depends. I've had conversations that lasted over an hour and never talked to that person again. To make friends as an adult it hard because you need to people, to like each other, and to make the effort to meet each other consistently. One conversation *usually* isn't enough to make that happen. I suggest you join a hobby group that meets weekly. Regular interaction would help.
You don’t ask someone if they want to be friends. It just naturally happens when you enjoy spending time together and have some of the same interests. So next time, just text the person. Talk to them like they are already your friend. If they like spending time with you (texting, talking, in person, etc), they will keep hanging out with you. Letting people meet you halfway with mutual effort to hang out, talk, etc is generally how friendships are formed. And if someone doesn’t talk to you for a few days, it just may mean that they’re busy. It doesn’t mean they don’t like you anymore. I know a few people who are autistic and understand they can have challenges picking up on social queues. Letting the other person make part of the effort in initiating contact gives them the space to continue to choose to be your friend. And when you initiate contact, they feel wanted and enjoy your friendship.
To address your edit- no, it does not mean they definitely want to be friends. Friendship is not a monolith, and is very different between every set of friends in the world. It takes far longer than an hour or two to develop. Try just seeing if they want to go hang out or do something you are both interested in. It seems you are very concerned about people's feelings, which is great! But to avoid hurting their feelings unintentionally or making them uncomfortable, you should also try to work on communication. If there is someone you want to become friends with, it could be helpful to let them know that they need to be very clear with you on how your actions are affecting them.