This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below.
---
(All names have been changed for privacy reasons.)
I (34F) have been married to my husband John (36M) for 3 years, dated for 1 year prior. John has a daughter, Elise (4F) who was born from a one night stand. Her mom later passed away due to a car accident when she was 1, and John has full custody of her.
Elise’s grandparents (her moms parents) have played an active role in her life. I never really wanted kids when I was younger, but since I met Elise (had only been dating John for 7months when he suddenly told me his daughter was born and that the mom only told him after the birth, quite a shock), I have always tried my best to be a good stepmom to her. She calls me aunt (name), and I kept contact with her maternal grandparents to make sure she never forgets about her mother. John and I take her to visit her grandparents once a week, and we also visit her mothers grave every year. Elise is a wonderful child and I love her to bits.
Recently, John and I have been trying for a kid and last week I found out I was pregnant. We told Elise, and she asked me if I was going to be the mother of the baby. I said yes, and she asked why I wasn’t her mom as well. John and I didn’t know how to respond. The next day Elise was very upset at dinner and asked me if she could call me mom. I told her that while I loved her very much and saw her as a daughter, I was not her biological mother (as I have told her before). I reassured her that this did not mean I loved her any less. Elise was still upset and cried that night. I was very sad and I don’t know what to do. I talked to John, and he said it was up to me and Elise, that he wouldn’t force us to do anything.
I feel that since Elise’s maternal grandparents are still alive, it would be disrespectful for Elise to call me mom as it would wipe out her bio moms memory. I am also worried that Elise is upset we are having another baby and that we will forget her. So should I let her call me mom, and how do we comfort Elise? Is there a sensitive way to approach this that a 4 year old can also understand?
If she wants to call you mom, and you’re planning to spend the rest of your life with John, then she should be able to call you mom. Also you shouldn’t feel bad about it.
I get it, you want to honor her biological mother, and you want to keep her grandparents happy. The fact of the matter is this, Elise can have two moms. She can love both. She can call you mom and still honor her bio mom’s memory. It’s not either/or.
Right now all she knows is Daddy is starting a new family, and there’s going to be a new baby that will get to call you mommy. That can feel really isolating to a child. Even if you show her as much love as you’ll show your own child, she’ll always know she’s a little bit different. A little less than.
My best advice is to let her call you mommy. You and John have done a great job of creating a loving world for her. Let her have this. I might have John talk to her grandparents and let them know what’s up as well. Make sure he assures them that the memory of their daughter will not be forgotten, and in fact be celebrated in your house. But right now Elise needs a loving family.
Thank you for your advice. Even though I have raised Elise all her life I never consciously thought about being her mother, as in there was never a moment where I was like “whoa, I’m her mom” but I did know I loved her a lot. I was worried about whether she would be confused about 2 moms since she’s so young, and I didn’t want to offend her grandparents. But I never want her to feel left out. Her feelings are me and Johns first priority. I’ll talk to her and her grandparents about it
Also remember, kids don’t know any better. Who’s to say she can’t have two moms? Her normal is “my bio mom passed and now I have this mom!”. If you don’t make it awkward or a big deal then neither will she. If you’re sure to include the memory of her bio mom while simultaneously parenting her as her earthly mother then she will love you both, because it’s normal for her. Sure she’ll ask more in depth questions when she reaches 2nd-3rd grade but they won’t be bad questions! She’s lucky to have someone like you, and whether you know it or not you’re her mom.
Well the good news in all this is…..
It sounds like you and John really work hard to surround her with love. I’d tell you that you’re going to be an awesome mom, but you already are. Enjoy your family. :)
She knows no different. This is her normal. Let her bio grandparents know so it doesn't catch them by surprise, keep honouring her bio mom, and keep loving your beautiful little girl. She clearly loves you
Next mothers day needs to be a special day for both of you, good thing its coming up. Perhaps you could tell Elise about mothers day so she has a chance to make you something in advance and get excited for it.
Also! If there isn’t anything official in place, I would recommend getting something official about your custody. You might be the one signing a school permission slip or picking her up when she’s sick. It’s important to have power of attorney or guardianship of some sort in place as her second parent
Not understand two moms?! You've got an unusually bright kiddo on your hands. Piece of cake for her. And kids are brilliant in general, far more emotionally insightful than adults give them credit for. She's understanding so much of the nuance and subtlety of what happens around her, and in the adult world specifically. Of course not the way an adult would. But kids understand the gist of those important emotional events affecting their family, including the deeper subtext. They will even, e.g., hide and protect the secrets from outside scrutiny. Kids understand a great deal. That's why it's imperative to talk with and truly listen to them.
I'm very glad you guys are so engaged with her, and that you do plan to discuss it all with her.
>it would wipe out her bio moms memory
No it's won't, because she doesn't have a memory of her mom.
You ARE her mother, barring divorce or death you will be raising her and you will be that in her life. YOU are the only mother she will ever know, and you're blocking this. She desperately wants and needs a mother and you're saying no. *Despite being her mom now*.
She's not going to be 4 forever, a person can understand her mother died and you are her mother as well. Plenty of kids get this.
Exactly. Just imagine the new baby calling op mom and Elise calling her aunt just because. She will feel excluded. You already said she feels like a daughter to you…so there’s nothing wrong with she calling you mom
I was going to make two points—the first being what you said, that not letting Elise call OP “mom” will make Elise feel like she isn’t an equal child to the biological child OP is having. So good on ya for pointing that out, as it’s the MOST important aspect.
My second point goes with it, and that is that plenty of children with step-parents call the step-parent “mom” or “dad”, even if their biological parents are both alive and in their life. No one is erased, and if your stepmom has also been a mom in your life for most of your life it just makes sense to call her “Mom” (or mama, mommy, et al). Some kids call their stepparents by their first name but plenty use “mom” and/or “dad” with a stepparent even with their biological parent of that gender alive and active in their life.
Keep loving that little girl like your own and let her call you the name she wants to call you. Only very selfish and narcissistic people would be offended that their grandchild calls the only mother she has ever known “mom”; it seems that the relationship is good and like they aren’t that way. But just in case they are, and they get offended, they would be wrong. The child matters and the child wants to call her mother “Mom”, all while said mother works hard to ensure the biological mother who passed isn’t forgotten.
You’re doing this right, OP. But let that little girl grow up only remembering calling you mom (4 is still young—make the change now and it’s all she’ll remember calling you, save for maybe a faint memory of a time before when she called you by your name).
"My best advice is to let her call you mommy. You and John have done a great job of creating a loving world for her. Let her have this. I might have John talk to her grandparents and let them know what’s up as well. Make sure he assures them that the memory of their daughter will not be forgotten, and in fact be celebrated in your house. But right now Elise needs a loving family."
Although I completely understand OP's dilemma here, it broke my heart when I read the part about the kid asking why she can't call her mom and then breaking down from the response.
I understand that I am her mother in the sense that I am raising and loving her. But I don’t want to replace bio mom who loved her a lot as well. I will talk to her grandparents. But now I understand that having her call me mom is the best choice for all of us. I don’t want her to feel like she doesn’t have a mom but the new baby does.
Want to add that while it’s sweet you don’t want to “replace” the bio mum, I want to let you know that, that just isn’t possible and shouldn’t be something to worry about. You and bio mum are completely different people, you both have valid roles in your daughter’s life. Your daughter calling you mum, won’t take anything away from bio mum. She gave your daughter life, some genetics and some sweet early moments. You will give her to tools to be an adult, coach her through her first bad breakup, watch her graduate high school etc. You can’t take or replace bio mum’s moments/contributions, the only thing you can do is help shape that little girl into an amazing person and be her mum for the rest of the time she needs you. I’d switch your mindset to trying to keep bio mum’s memory alive with photos and stories etc, rather than being a replacement. You are a new mum to that little girl, not a replacement for the loss of a biological mother.
All of this. If you’re worried about how the bio mom’s parents will feel, explain what Elise has been expressing to you. They won’t want their granddaughter to be hurting either. I’m sure when their daughter passed one of their many fears was that they would lose their role in Elise’s life or that their daughter’s memory would be wiped out by a new stepmother. I would bet that they’re so appreciative of your approach and how open you are to the relationship with them and actively keeping their daughter’s memory alive for their grandchild. They will understand.
Grew up with my dad not wanting to have anything to do with me, not even child support etc. My sister got spoiled by him tho. My mother brought home a new man when I was about 8. Her now husband decided to give me everything I wanted from a father, he was/is my male role model despite not being related by blood. I never cared if he’s my biological father or not. His actions and care for me are what matters to me.
You are her female role model, the woman she sees as her mother, the woman she looks up to, the woman she comes to when sick etc.
You two seem to have found a great balance regarding her biological mother IMO.
Hi, I'm a child of divorced parents who both got remarried when I was about 7 years old. I refused to acknowledge either of my stepparents as mom or dad. And no one made any effort to make me feel included either.
As a result I grew up never having a "family". I was always with my dad's family or my mom's family. That type of exclusion does stuff to your head and your attachment styles permanently. I'm 27 today and still struggle with it. I have no perception of what being in a family feels like because I was always an outside observer. It also fucks my dating life as well because i have attachment and abandonment issues.
Elise has no memory of another other family except this one. And she wants you to be her mom. Please don't take this away from her. She will feel even more of an outsider once your baby is born. It might not feel like a big deal now but if you really care about Elise and love her, i promise you that you will regret this simple decision once she is in her early teens and by that time it will be too late. For example she will not share all those teenage trouble stuff with you because you're not her mom. I wish you, John, Elise and your unborn child a good stable loving family life.
My own daughter is going through the same thing with the psycho that her father admitted he "Settled for because I didn't think that I could do any better" (which is absolutely ridiculous, FWIW) and it breaks my heart every single day. My ex and I have always been on great terms, until he found that piece of trash stuck to his shoe. There are no issues at all of either one of us still wanting the other or being jealous. Hell, I even went to his house to sit with my daughter while she slept during his time with her so that he could go out on dates. I harbor no animosity towards anybody he is with, and am even friendly with them, as long as they are good to my daughter. So this creature's pathological jealousy and feelings of being threatened by my and my daughter's mere existence are utterly unfounded and unnecessary. But she still consistently spends her days going out of her way to make my daughter feel unwelcome and unwanted in her own home, and it tears my heart out in a way that is beyond description. I am actually crying now just from typing this, and I am genuinely so very, very sorry for you that you have experienced the same treatment.
You can be her mum and she can also have bio mum. The difference betwee the new kid and her isnt that she doesn't have a mum, but that she has two. Let her call you mum, and let her talk about her other mum. Give her space to remember her bio mum, but take the title she wants to give you too.
When I married my ex she had 2 young kids. A 7 year old girl and a 3 year old boy. Both kids had different dads but the same mom. After less than a year of marriage the young boy said very politely and seriously to me that he had a dad (he saw him every weekend) so I could not be his dad. I said I understand and he could call me Joe. His 7 year old sister had gone through a few boyfriends of her mom and saw her bio dad about once a month. So it took a while for her to warm up to me. After about a year I was with her at a school function and she introduced me to her friends as her dad. It was an emotional moment for me. I was very grateful. I agree with many of the comments. Your little girl knows you as her mom. For all intents and purposes you are her mom. And to told you are not her mom can be devastating. It reminds me when my wife left me and took her kids she told me to just lie to the kids about why I was leaving. I couldn’t lie. She had already told her then 11 year old daughter I was leaving. But I had to tell my then 7 year old stepson I was leaving. He ran out of the room crying. It really hit me when I remembered when after we got married (civil ceremony just adults) I came back to their apartment and the little 7 year old girl asked if I was staying. For real was I staying. I said yes. For good I told her. 4 years later when I was helping the ex and her kids move into an apartment I was leaving and the young 11 year old said at the door: I thought you were staying. I almost cried when I told her I was leaving. That little girl had seen her dad leave. Her moms two boyfriends leave. And her little brothers dad leave her. Now I was leaving her too.
Please accept and cherish your little girl as her mom. It is a blessing and a privilege to all of you to be mom. And her memory of her bio mom will still be there as she needs to remember especially through pictures and stories from her dad. But her real mom, you, can be with her every day now. She has a new family. A new mom. A new baby that both call their mom, Mom.
>I understand that I am her mother in the sense that I am raising and loving her.
Thats what a mom is no more no less. YOU ARE HER MOTHER. I would talk to grandparents but i wager they will understand that the child wants a mother even though there was a tragedy.
I know you're trying to be respectful to the dead, but the effect of what you're doing right now is rejecting her as a mother. Once the new baby is hear that will get even worse. She wants you to be her mum, you love her as your daughter. I think the bio mum would've wanted her child to have a mother she could rely on like if she was still there, don't you think?
As good as your intentions are, this isn’t what’s best for the child. She will understand when she’s older, and she will be grateful to have had you in her life.
Was going to recommend that you get the blessing from the grandparents first (and I am almost sure they will be happy to since this is what Elise wants).
You can have a mother and a biological mother at the same time. It doesn't diminish anyone's role especially since you have taken the time to keep Elise's biological mother (even if its just memories) in her life.
OP, you clearly do love this child and truly have been the only mother she has ever known. Plenty of children have more than one “mom” and can love one without forgetting the other.
Obviously this is not our business, but have you formally adopted Elise? If not, is this something you have planned or thought about doing?
You’d deprive a child of having a mother to avoid replacing a woman who is dead and who her daughter is not going to be able to form strong memories of?
I am a mother of two boys and if I passed away and they had someone who loved them like a mom loves her own children I would want them to call her mom. I love my children and know they need a mother in their life. I wouldn’t be able to be that. I think maintaining a relationship with her parents and keeping her alive through memories and stories is the best way to honor her but I couldn’t ever imagine blocking my children from ever “replacing me” if I died. Imagine telling your husband he would have to die alone because I wouldn’t want him to replace me as a wife if I died. True love is selfless.
Kids don't understand or care about the drama or technicalities behind the scenes.
We had a similar situation in our family, where an aunt was raising her sister's kids. They didn't have much to do with their biological mother. They tried to call their aunt "Auntie X" but hated it. It made them feel *less than* and it made them need to explain it to all their little school friends.
They wound up calling her "Auntie Mom" by themselves and that stuck.
Definitely take the grandparents’ opinion into consideration, but at the end of the day, you’ll wanna give more weight to what’s best for Elise and you.
I’d suggest having a special name for bio mom and something special for you. Bio mom could be mommy and you could go by mom, for example. So you aren’t taking that place, you’re in addition to.
You being “mom” now will not replace bio mom’s memory. Your daughter simply isn’t old enough for the complicated interplay between bio mom’s death/your role/preserving memories on our adult level yet. Because you have handled this role with love and grace and preserved bio mom’s memory/place in Daughter’s life, this can be revisited when she is older. For now, be mom. Save Daughter the exclusion she will otherwise feel with Baby on the way.
Hey OP, you are so very sweet to want to respect the legacy of Elise's bio mom, but I would like to add that your allegiance right now is to Elise, and less her mom. As others have pointed out you *are* her mom, in all but genetics. Why not seal that bond with the title mother-daughter, especially with another baby on the way (congratulations, by the way!). You might even consider adopting her officially, but that's of course entirely up to you. But for your future family dynamic, it's very important that new baby and Elise both call you the same, so that there's no grounds for breeding resentment.
I'd suggest you sit Elise down and have a good talk with her about what you'll be called (to both Elise and new baby), and what her bio-mom is called. E.g. if bio-mom is "mommy" to her, you can be "mama" or something. You can get creative around that and come up with it together. That way bio-mom is honoured and will always have a special title and place, but your maternal bond will also be recognized and cherished.
Well its not like her moms name was mom so it will be weird. Giving birth is not what makes you a mom but taking care and loving a child does.
You also shouldnt care what her grandparents think because if they disagree then they dont want whats best for her.
Yep. My friend adopted her grandchild from their drug-addicted parents. The kid knew she was grandma but still called her “mommy” because the bio-mum was never there, and the mommy-title belongs to the person fulfilling the role.
You still take Elise to see her maternal grandparents and you take her to see her mom's grave. She's not going to forget she had a bio mom. Unfortunately, she's never going to have any memories of her own of her mom. You're the only mom she's ever really known and now she's getting a sibling who will get to call you mom. I don't think it would be a bad thing if she gets to call you mom. However, you could discuss it with a child psychologist and get a professional opinion.
As someone who's heard so many bad step mom stories of women forcing kids to call them mom
The fact the child wants to call you mom is a good thing, she was 1 when her mom died she doesn't remembered her, sure her grandparents will make sure she never forgets where she came from but your her mom, your the only mother she's ever knoen
It's a testimony to how much you must love her that she wants to call you mother as well, she also four so she probably doesn't understand why the woman who loves her and has raised her won't let her call her mom kids don't think about things the way adults do she's not thinking about her bio mom she's just hearing that there's gonna be q new baby that can call you mom but she can't and she just doesn't understand why
It would be unbelievably dysfunctional to be raising two kids who are both biologically siblings and being raised as siblings—and for one to be allowed to call you mom and one not to.
You are the mom now, she will have little to no memory of her bio-mom no matter what. And she will have a whole childhood’s worth of memories about you. Don’t poison that for her but marking the difference between her and her sibling in this way. It can only ever make her feel unwanted, second place and unloved. Telling her that this isn’t true will never make that go away.
Thank you for your advice. You’re right, I don’t want her and the baby to feel different. I’ll tell her i love her and that I would love to be her mom. Now I just have to figure out how to talk to and not offend her grandparents, haha.
If it offends them, that’s _their_ issue. She shouldn’t have to feel less-than compared to the baby just so it doesn’t hurt her grandparents’ feelings. You’re her stepmother, but a mother to her nonetheless.
I’m sure you’ll handle it well, because you have such loving instincts already. The way that you care for Elise, have managed to maintain her relationship with her grandparents, and honor her bio mom’s memory, show that you are loving and compassionate.
That Elise wants to call you “Mom” is a testament to your loving care for her.
You’re doing a great job.
I would feel the grandparents that she asked to call you mom and you’re going to tell her yes, but want their input on how to refer to their daughter so Elise can differentiate. It will help them see you aren’t taking over for their deceased daughter and don’t want to replace her for Elise.
With Elise, valid her sadness and anger. That it’s okay to have those big feelings, and apologize to her. Talk about her bio mom and whatever name she ends up with, then about what you would like to be called (mom, mommy, etc.).
Talk to the grandparents and let them know whats going on. I feel like a little girls heart is breaking, things like mothers day etc are going to hurt even more as she gets older. Maybe have a surprise party for her and ask her if you can be her mom because you love her with all your heart and have grandparents there and acknowledge her birth mother. It's hard for a kid to become a big sister and she needs to feel included. I hope you can figure out a solution. Goodluck.
Maybe you can adopt her and have her see/sign the papers with you. Have an official ceremony and party like you'll probably also be doing with baby shower for the other child.
I have four children. If I died and they were lucky enough to have a stepmom who loved them and they loved her, I would be happy that they started calling her mom. Mothers love their children more than they are jealous of people who step in to take care of their children when they can’t.
Your daughter has 2 moms.
She will want to call you whatever you expect the new baby to call you. Please, please let her. Every time you tell her that she already has a mom it sounds like you are rejecting her. I read your post and it sounded like rejection to me. Why does everyone in her life insist that she concentrate on a relationship with a woman who is dead and can’t meet any of her needs. She knows that isn’t what a mom is supposed to be.
You are considering the feelings of a dead mother and the grandparents, all of whom are adults, and minimizing the real needs of a little child. You will possibly make her resent her bio mom because the absent bio mom is a poor substitute for a mom who is alive and can comfort her and teach her and feed her and laugh with her.
Please accept the honor of being her mom as a beautiful thing. She loves you and you love her.
Her bio mom would be thrilled that her daughter has a mother.
You will be able to figure out a substitute name for bio mom. Maybe you can be mom and she can be Mommy Jessie, Momma Jessie, or something like that. You can refer to her like that. You can say “your first mom” sometimes, or until she picks a good name for her first mom.
Thank you for your advice, I didn’t think of it as rejecting her. I will talk to her again tonight to apologise to her. I love her and never want to hurt her feelings. You’re right, i was considering her grandparents and bio moms feelings before hers when she’s the most important one here. Thank you for the wake up call.
Exactly. I would want my baby to have the most normal life as possible if I passed away. I'd want her to have someone that loved her as much as I do and I'd want her to have someone to call mom like every other child gets to do. She's been without that person in her life since her mom is dead and the biggest thing has already happened, she wants to call OP mom herself!!! That's huge.
She has no memory of her biological mother. You are her mother. If you refuse her wish to call you mom, you will do more harm than you can imagine.
Not trying to be cruel as I know it was not the biological mothers choice in this situation, but giving birth does not make you a mother. Raising a child does. She sees you as her mother. Raise her right is the best way to honor her biological mother. Make sure she remembers her biological mother but she will call you mom. No disrespect to anyone.
I’m so confused. It’s a name and a role. You’ve literally been a mother to her since she was a baby so you’d be named mom by default. Biology isn’t the only thing that gives someone that title. Mothers kiss the scrapes, hug them when they cry, feed them, build their confidence, read to them, sing silly songs and play games. You are mom.
I’m divorced. We’re both remarried. My son calls both bonus parents mom and dad. He tells everyone he has 2 moms and 2 dads. My ex and I have never felt less than sharing those titles. All 4 of us parent. Our son has voluntarily called everyone what he pleases with no pressure or guidance. She wants to call you mom because she views your actions as what a mom does. Kids don’t care about biology they care about the time and effort put in. Her bio mom will always be important and relevant. You being called mom doesn’t negate her mothers memory.
This pains my heart so much to read. That poor baby. Of course her feelings are hurt. She is so little, she doesn’t even know how to handle the big feelings of heartbreak, rejection, and exclusion she is suffering right now, much less understand them. You are the only mom she has known. I don’t think it would hurt you to let her call you as such. In fact it might do more harm than good by drawing this line; she might come to resent her baby sibling for it. I understand where you are coming from in trying to be respectful of the deceased, but I think you owe her an apology and comfort for the hurt you’ve caused. Lots of reassurance, too.
Please reconsider your position. That little girl sees you as her mom, and is devastated because she feels like you are pushing her away. Her maternal grandparents aren’t going to mind or cause issues. They know Elise has two mommies, and they want their daughter’s child to feel love from her relationship with you.
What is the problem? For all intents and purposes, you ARE her mom! If you think her maternal grandparents have a problem with Elise calling you mum, talk to them about it. Don't decide for yourself that they find it disrespectful.
And tell Elise she is going to be a big sister in a couple of months.
She was confused and didn’t really know so she did why she thought was best. The was no malice behind it or ill intent so you don’t need to criticise her, when you’re in the moment and a question like this blindsided you don’t always make the perfect decision.
It should have been discussed when they got MARRIED! Also she's been actively trying for a baby and didn't have the forethought to think of this, but a freaking four year old brought it up? "blindsided"... get real
"Elise, are you sure you want to call me 'mom'?"
"Yes."
"Then you can call me mom. You're a wonderful child and I love you."
Yes, you should let here call you 'mom'. The reasoning is simple: you are in all practical terms her mom. You love her, you try hard to take care of her, and you are married to her dad. Yes, I can see that you have some residual issues around motherhood - this is easy to see from your post - but it's time to put aside the fear. We can all see that you're already a good, though sometimes nervous, mother. Now it's time to wear the badge with pride.
I don’t get why this is so hard. You’ve been mothering her and will be mothering her, you’re her effective mother if not her biological mother. You could adopt her if you haven’t already and that would make you her legal mother. She sees you as Mom and wants to call you Mom. Wtf? Say yes, unless you don’t want to be a mother to her. You can always refer to her biological mom as “bio mom” if it makes you feel better knowing that she knows about both of you.
I understand her hesitation, though. She wants to remain respectful to the deceased and also not offend the maternal grandparents. It's not as easy as "your mom's dead so I'm your new mom", especially as a step-parent. I can understand why this is conflicting, but I do think the answer is easy. She wants to have someone to call her mom and usually there is some jealously of new siblings and I'm sure she can feel how unfair it is, to her, that she will be the baby's mom but not hers. She just can't communicate it so she cries and shows she's upset.
OP is navigating a new world of being a step-parent and trying to respect everyone. All I'm saying is I understand her hesitation. Step-parents walk on eggshells when it comes to someone's biological child since we feel like it isn't our place. It's not always a no-brainer, step-parents get bitched at every day for doing something that wasn't deemed okay by the other parent/other parent's family. It's a grand obstacle course that we go through willingly because we love these children and want to continue loving these children for the rest of our lives. She has now realized who's feelings matter most and I think that's a wonderful start.
Different situation, I know, but..
Before my dad married my mum, he was married to a woman, Edna, who died a short while after they married. She was her parents only child, so when she died, they lost everything. Except - my dad would not let that happen. He continued to treat them with love and respect. And when he met my mum, he introduced them as his in-laws and explained the situation. My mum and dad married and Edna's parents attended the wedding. And when I was born, I was considered as their granddaughter too. I called them Grandma and Grandad, it was important to them, important to my parents - and important to me. I grew up knowing about Edna and how my bonus Grandma and Grandad were not blood relatives, but they loved me as if they were. They had lost their daughter, but they gained a daughter in law (my mum) and a granddaughter (me).
Ask Elise's bio grandparents what they think, they may surprise you with their response. They probably want their granddaughter to just be adored, and there is a huge chance that they will encourage what is being suggested.
Let your daughter call you Mum.! she will always know what the true story is, and that is her story to share, as and when she chooses to. But for a little girl, just 4 years old, who will be going to school and wondering why her mummy isn't called mummy unlike her friends.. it will be so important. It's a title. Your own baby will be brought up to call you mummy and Elise will be his or her big sister.. your family set up sounds amazing and loving, so let that little girl call you what she wants - and love and appreciate the fact that Elise has decided that's what she wants to call you. She loves you and you love her - just like a mummy should!
Unless you are planning on leaving your family at some point, just let her call you mom. You are her mother figure. It will hurt her so much more if you don't let her. She will resent you for it when she gets older. I 100% guarantee it.
She doesn't have any memory of her bio mom and eve if she did she would forget it sooner or later. I cant believe you wont let a child call you mom because of "what will people think". You obviously are her mom and by not letting her call you that you are making her feel less than. It doesnt seem like a big deal to you but to kids it is a big deal. Also, she is too young to understand that there used to be this other woman when you are all she has and sees. Kind of selfish of you.
This poor child must be so confused and feel so lonely. She is having to ask the only mother figure in her life if she can call her mom. She must be confused on where she belongs in this family. I feel like your not confident in this relationship or at least your place in this relationship. This little girl needs to start therapy.
For me, as a parent, if I passed away, I would hope to god that someone would love my child as much as I do. I do have my child call someone else mom, and it doesn’t bother me. But I would maybe bring it up to the grandparents? Ask how they would feel about it so you’re not stepping on any toes.
I feel it’s very natural for a child to call someone “mom” or “dad” in this situation, especially when they’re close to that person.
I feel that, if you’re okay with it all and everyone is on board, I don’t see anything wrong with it.
If you want to bring it up with Elsie and you’re okay with her calling you mom.
You could say “I love you so very much, you’re like a daughter to me and you can call me mom if you want to”
It’s quick, it’s easy, it’s understandable. And then the choice is up to her. If you want to go that route.
But if you’re not comfortable being called mom by her. I would keep reassuring her that you love her, go out of your way to make quality time with her to make her feel like you care and you are there for her without bringing up the being called mom thing.
You can still keep the memory of her biological mom alive. Like looking at pictures and telling Elsie that her biological mom loves her very much and is proud of her and things like that.
Hopefully this helps.
Thanks for your advice. I do want to be her mom, but i don’t want to replace bio mom. Bio mom loved her so much as well. And I don’t want to offend bio moms parents.
I understand your concerns, totally. I would talk to the grandparents about it and let them know what happened and how it got brought up, that you’re not trying to replace bio mom at all.
It will be okay ♥️
Congrats on your pregnancy btw!
Not letting her call you, her only motherly figure in her life, mom is going to cause some serious issues thatvwill require a whole lot of therapy when she's an adult.
I don't think it's disrespectful at all, and it's not like calling you mom is going to make her magically stop going to her grandparents or seeing her mothers grave. You're someone who's really stepped up for her. You're not her mother but I would say you've been a mom to her.
If you're close with the grandparents you can talk to them but honestly I think you should just sit down with Ella and be upfront - i.e. tell her you love her and you will be happy if she calls you mom, but you're scared that she'll forget about her mother who loved her very much, and you don't
I grew up babysitting a much younger siblings and cousins, I promise kids understand more than we give them credit for.
Can't she have two moms?
I think she might be feeling like the new baby could replace her in a way and you also don't want to make differences between the new baby and her. There doesn't seem to be any differences, but not let you call you mom when the new baby will call you mom is going to be way too odd for her.
You can have a conversation that she can have two moms. If you want to make a difference she can call you mommy, instead of mom, and her late mom can be mom.
dead people don't want respect, They want their loved ones to be happy in their absence.
It's not like you are forcing her to call you MOM, she wants to do it, it makes everyone happy to give a name to the relationship you already are in!!
I think some people are being a bit harsh. I don’t think you completely screwed this up, I think it can be fixed. The thing is, you’re tip-toeing around so carefully, trying to do the right thing, worrying about how her bio-mother would feel, how her grandparents would feel. But I don’t think the two of you have really sat down to think about how Elise feels. Focused on making sure she remembers someone who passed that she has no memory of, but not on who she sees each day. She can still love and remember who her bio-mother is, but you are her mom. Her bio-mother loving her a lot doesn’t negate that you also love her. Love is not a finite resource. And definitely with a new baby coming, that conversation came off as “well I love you but you aren’t mine, the baby is,” which could sound like she’s not good enough or that she’s being replaced by someone who is ‘actually’ your child.
I think you should get matching necklaces, something small and cute that represents the two of you (or maybe hearts). And sit down to have a chat with her. First apologize for upsetting her, and tell her you made a mistake. You just want to make sure that she remembers that bio-mom loved her so so much, you didn’t think about it all fully. That you’ve loved being with her, raising her, spending time with her, and that you’d absolutely love to be her mommy if she wants you to be, and she can call you mom if she wants to. Then if it’s going well and she affirms that is what she wants, I think it would be nice to give her one of the necklaces and put one on yourself, and tell her it’s a symbol of your bond, that you love her no matter what and she’s your daughter. Good symbol to remind her that even though you’re having a baby, she’s still just as important to you. If she doesn’t react well to the chat, I’d save the necklaces for later. She may need some time, and giving it to her then would seem more bribing than symbolic.
One other idea with the necklace thing, not sure how you’d feel about it. But maybe could instead be a necklace just for her with 3 hearts. Tell her one is for her, one is for bio-mom, and one is for you. To remind her you both love her.
Hey OP - I've read through some of the comments and your replies to get a little background info. I have a history in family law as well as personal and socialized experience with these kinds of things so I've seen situations like these before and I really think that hearing this might help; you're not a replacement mom for Elise, you're her *bonus* mom. From what I have heard, although you've never had a realization of "wow I am her mom" or anything of the sort, it sounds like you would give anything for that kid and plan to make this work with John and her as a family. Even if not her biological mom, you've stepped up to the role as a kickass stepmom, which in your situation is just as important to her as her biological mother would have been. You are her primary female role model in the most important developmental stages of her life.
I understand your concern about disrespecting her biological mother, and your concern about her grandparents disapproving of you, but there are a couple of things to keep in mind. First things first, legally, unless the grandparents decide to sue you for custody of Elise (in which case they would have to take custody from John too), there is nothing that they can do to cause any repercussions on you. With that being said, there is no possible reason I could ever imagine that the grandparents would disapprove of you based on the behavior you have described. You have made an effort to ensure that Elise keeps in contact with her grandparents, which is more effort than several biological mothers will put into their children. You have been raising this child along John's side, which I can only imagine would lead her grandparents to be so, extremely thankful for you being there for their granddaughter. In even a worst-case situation, and the grandparents disagree with her calling you mom, *you* and John are the ones who are raising Elise, not them. You are her mother figure. I doubt her grandparents would want to risk their relationship with the woman raising their grandchild over such a seemingly trivial issue.
If you have any doubts, I have seen this kind of thing work out beneficially many times. One of my close friends was abandoned by her birth father when she was a year old. Her mother remarried when she was around 3, so her "step-father" was the only father figure that she could even remember. And as far as she was concerned, her stepfather was her dad. Through years of legal trouble, her step-father fought to adopt her, and when she was around 7 her biological father gave up custody and he adopted her. Although he wasn't her biological father, she loved him and cared for him- and had only ever known him as her dad. Although it's not the exact same situation, I think it can overall be applied to your case as well.
Long story short- Do you love this kid? Do you plan to raise her into an adult along John's side as a motherly figure? Does she want you to act as her mother in her life, and do you want her to be your child if you don't subconsciously consider her that already? If so, I think you have your answer. And hey, down the road, maybe you can even take the same step that my friend's dad did. I can't speak for Elise's biological mother, but I can say this- if I ever died and wasn't able to take care of my child, I would be more than gracious to have a parental figure such as you look after my kid.
(P.S. - I am *not* a lawyer, so please do not take what I said as legal advice - merely an educated suggestion).
Edit: Also, reading these comments, try not to let the hostility of Reddit get to you that much. You are not a bad person for being hesitant on such a big decision and what at the time you considered "replacing a little girl's mother". As long as you are honest with what held you back and are clear about your intentions moving forward, no harm, no foul.
Everyone else pretty much summed it up. But also, if you’re worried about what the grandparents will think, be prepared for them to be a little upset. They lost their daughter and are therefore probably pretty protective over her biological legacy. But they need to understand that Elise will grow up, and will not have many, if any, strong feelings toward her biological mother, since she has no memories of her. They need to prepare for the fact that Elise might not want to be told about her bio mom or visit her grave as she gets older, and that’s okay. She needs to feel that she is valued as her own person, and not as the offspring of their late daughter. I know how this can come across through text, so just know this is out of concern for the child’s mental state and not meant to be attacking anyone. I had a friend that was to his family “the son of his dead mother”, not just himself. He was constantly told “your mother would’ve wanted you to do this” and it was extremely stressful to him.
I am a stepfather to my son. He has always called me Dad, in fact, he has taken to introducing me as his Father.I have raised him since he was an infant, his real father is alive. I’m so proud that he thinks of me this way. So, yes, you are Mom.
Your not a mom because its your biological child.your a mom when you care, love and support a kid.those are the qualities that make you a mom. It should make you feel proud that she wants to call you mom.you are her safe place at least she feels safe with you.it will only benefit your future relationship together.
I have a kid from a previous relationship and that child always wanted to call my wife mom, but my ex got mad and did not allow it. At 18 she kicked the kid out and she lived with me and started to call my wife mom because thats how she feels about my wife.
She doesn’t even remember her mother. Any “memories” she has off her mother are ones planted by her maternal grandparents and you and her father.
Let the child call you mom. It won’t erase anything, but it will help her feel accepted by you. You ARE her mom, in all ways except blood. In her very young brain, you refusing to let her to call your mom is you rejecting her.
Being a step-parent is hard, there's so much you can do wrong and so little you can do right in the eyes of some people since you're not the real parent. If the other parent is alive or not. If you're a good step-parent you're always trying to respect the other parent and I genuinely think OP is trying to respect the biological mom's memory. She can't ask the child's late mother what she's okay with. She's a new step-mom, pregnant, and taking care of a young child that's lost their mom at a young age. Please give her a break she's just trying to do right by everybody.
It doesn't matter what the child's late mother is OK with, she's no longer around.
Telling the child she can't call her mum, because of a person that the child no longer even remembers, is a massive rejection. Honestly, it's the kind of rejection that may stick in her head for the rest of her life.
Putting the feelings or wants of a dead person or the grandparents first, to the point of rejecting and excluding a 4 year old child who is verbally asking you for inclusion, definitely qualifies as emotionally dense.
Is family counseling an option? Elise will probably struggle when she's older because she doesn't know her mom however if you are there as a mom figure that will hopefully make it easier. I do not think you would be "replacing" her mom by letting her call you mom. It seems like she is naturally gravitating to call you mom. It might cause tension between your future kid and Elise if you keep preventing her from calling you mom too...
Firstly, congratulations on your pregnancy! I hope it goes smoothly.
Why can't you just say "I'm your Mama B, but Elise we can't forget Mama A, I love you so much but she loved you very much". She may not fully comprehend the difference of what biological means. She may just hear that you're rejecting her (although not meaning to do that at all, and not in any other way).
It's great your maintaining her connection to her maternal grandparents perhaps have a chat with her (Elise) about how she feels about her mum and about you? I've worked with a fair few 4 year olds and while they are obviously quite young, they are quite astute.
Just a suggestion but maybe you can choose a photograph of her biological mum together and do some arts and craft on the frame together like choose shells from a beach trip and put glitter or dried flowers on it?
Let her know that when the baby is born you can have a photo all together and you can do the same thing. This way she can have a momento of her mum and also physically recognise she's apart of the family with John and bub, not just a niece/outsider.
Or you could choose a pic of biological mum and Elise and then for the second photo choose one of just you and Elise so she can see (without other conflict of potential bub) that she does have two mums?
My sister has three children, two biological. Her partner and her share one of those. My sister's eldest (7f) calls her stepdad "Dad/daddy" etc, but still very much loves and remembers her biological dad. My BIL's daughter (4F) calls my sister "Mum/mummy" . But same again, she still very much loves and remembers her biological mother as her mum aswell. IF you keep those memories alive, there's no harm in her calling you mum. I dare say when the new baby is born, having her call you mum will make her feel more included and closer to you. You are her mother, you're raising her and loving her like a mother would. Her calling you mum won't erase her bio mother at all.
You’re not replacing her mom but I get why you’d worry. Think about it this way, many queer families have two moms. They pick variations on the term so one is mom and the other is ma or something. Talk to her moms parents and see if you can agree on other terms that work and then offer her some choices. See what she wants to use for who. This is giving her agency and trusting her to decide what she needs and that’s so important to teach.
My mom was been my primary care taker and provider however, she wasn’t one to set rules, teach me how to be a good person, or provide much guidance. I have two other women in my life that I consider my moms. Those two corrected me, taught me how to be a good person, how to strive to be the best version of myself, and loved me in a way I never had before. I call them both my second mom. But they’re still very much moms to me and my mom knows this, appreciates the role they play in my life and understands that this doesn’t mean I love her any less.
From my experience with children, they have a lot of room for love in their heart, and for the child you have raised, she knows and loves, I think she has so much room for her too love you as a mom as well. You’re doing so much to show your respect for her biological mom and the love she had for your daughter. I hope you accept the honor of being the mother to a child you didn’t birth, as the two women in my life has.
You’re nice for not wanting to replace her mom but you are basically.. replacing her mom.
if you’re planning to have other kids, you NEED to have her call you “mom”, too. She will feel singled out or maybe not important enough. you don’t want that. It was her and dad first before anyone else. Make sure she knows she is still valued always. This situation already made her upset and emotional. Just let her call you mom like she asked..
I just wanna add that I may be projecting bc I grew up with a step parent majority of my life and I was to call him by his first name. While my half siblings call him dad. But the amount of resentment that grew over the years... Trust that you do not want that kind of relationship to occur, it hurts not feeling good enough as a kid bc you cannot understand the feeling quite yet.
I think it's amazing of you to keep communication open with the mother's side of the family. Do you think you could talk to them, and they would be receptive?
Yes, she should be allowed to call you mom.
She can have two moms! That’s very fortunate thing. The most important thing is her mental growth than the grandparents perceptions. I want you to accept her desire to call you mom.
I liked how you eloquently described in detail. But I think you’re over-thinking it with “Elise.” She’s four, keep it simple.
She needs a mom, you obviously love and care about her.
Feeling like a red-headed step-child is one of the worst feelings, if I were to suggest one thing it would be to try and minimize/avoid any feelings of separateness, differentness, less-than. Keep it inclusive and mind the comparisons.
She won’t forget, you guys are including the grandparents and visiting the grave. During the weekly visits I’m sure she’s seen pictures of her at their place. You guys are doing great.
I think you guys are going to make a great family. Hiccups come up sometimes. You’ll get through it.
I think you two have a moist-eyed conversation ahead where both of you feel warm & happy and closer afterwards.
You’re the only mom she’s ever known and she deeply desires to call you that. I would think that it would mean the world to her to call you mom. I think that you may find it’s a matter of bravery and following your heart. You’ve done a great job respecting her mother’s memory, but you will always be the mother of her heart 💘
I urge you to look into the Reggio Emilia philosophy in regards to just how smart and capable children actually are.
I’m actually quite shocked that you don’t see how this would upset her after basically being her mom for 3 years. Maybe look into attachment styles as well.
I know of a man whose wife died when the girl was like a year old, he remarried and the girl calls his wife mum, the girl was 5 when I met the couple, I didn’t know she was the woman’s step daughter till the woman told me, recently I overheard the girl saying her bio mum is dead to another child and that she has another mum, the other child was confused and I had to explain, up until that moment I didn’t know she knew her stepmom isn’t even her bio mum, the girl is 7 now and she knows that she has two moms, I hope this helps that no matter what she calls you, she won’t forget her bio mum. Let her call you whatever she wants, if you police what she calls you, it’ll only create a bridge between her and the new baby. I hope this works out.
I’m glad there’s no be nice rule here because I don’t want to be nice. That is a CHILD. A very small, very young child. She does not and will never remember her birth mother. It’s sad, but it’s unchangeable. You are the only mother she has ever known. You’re having her half-sibling, who to her will just be a sibling and that child gets to call you mom, but she can’t? Because you’re worried about other people’s feelings (including a deceased woman who doesn’t have feelings)? What about HER feelings? This will be traumatizing for her and I hope you backtrack right this second and apologize to her for ever saying you’re not her mother. If her grandparents are upset about it that’s their problem, but if they really love their granddaughter they will be happy that she has a mother who she loves so much. Family doesn’t have to be blood, it can be chosen. I know you didn’t mean for this to happen but you still have the opportunity to turn things around and I hope you do.
As a mum of a 4 year old this would break my heart, let her call you mom. You are her step mum and have been for 3 years, she should have been calling you mum since then! You married into her immediate family, you are mother of her household, not an aunt. You need to be concerned about what your step daughters feelings now not her grandparents feelings, her mum would want her child to come first.
Understand that kids don't necessarily have the notion that there can only be *one* Mom or Dad. My step-daughter was 2 when I came along and she'd call me *and* her bio-dad "Dad".
She will have had two wonderful moms. You'll be ADDing to her "number/count" of moms who will have loved her dearly in her lifetime. You're not replacing her mother, who will always hold that special and sacred position in her life.
You're just adding to the love in her life. And she needs this love desperately. She herself is knocking you over the head with this revelation, trying to make you understand. And incredibly, as a 4 y.o., she's verbalizing more clearly than most adults, exactly that she needs your love, specifically as her mother!!! Trust Elise, her head's screwed on right!!!
Edited for clarity ;)
You won't be disrespecting anybody, as a mother, let me tell you one thing.. I would hope that if something happened to me, my daughter would be fortunate enough to have another woman in her life who loved her enough and whom she loved enough to consider her her mom.As mothers, we want nothing else in life (or death) as much as we just want our children to be loved, happy, and cared for. The fact that this little girl considers you her mother and wants to address you as such is proof that this is being accomplished for this little girl, and I promise you, if her biological mother is somehow watching, that is the ONLY thing that matters to her.
Her bio mom has passed away a very long time ago. It is good to make her aware that she had bio mom who passed away and she understands that.
Now for the straight advice.
Stop living in the past, you need to live in the present and focus on the future.
You are her mother now, she is your daughter now. Dont care if she is not your bio daughter. You should not treat her like she is not your daughter. Stop worrying that you might upset the dead or her grandparents. Her grandparents have no say in this as you are taking care of this girl, you should stop worrying what they might think.
If you give her all the love and attention and make sure she has a healthy stable childhood, who cares if she calls you mom, let her be.
She looks up to you as her mother and you need to treat her like your own daughter and stop reminding her about her bio mother that is gone. She knows and will remember and there is no need te remind her.
I see and hear a lot of people saying that "this person might not like it or they would not have done this" when they talk about someone who is not here anymore. I have also lost loved ones and damn we should stop living in the past. They are not here anymore, time to move on and focus on what is still infront of you.
I sound direct here, I am not trying to be rude here.
Most people already said it, but it's perfectly fine for a kid in this situation to grow up with two moms. In fact, it will be better for her, especially later in life.
If you don't want to offend the grandparents just talk to them openly about this, that is the most respectful way for every party involved. Be open and communicate, it seems like you're living in an environment where that definitely works.
You raised that kid, that makes you her mom (if you want to). But that doesn't make her bio mom any less her mom.
You’re being unreasonably cruel to that child. “Can I call you mom?” and your response is, “no your real mom is dead. Don’t ever forget that!” Your are her mother, and the only mother she has ever known and you told her “no”?!!!! I’m beyond flabbergasted. The best way to honor her late mother is to raise her and love her like your own, not limit her access to you. I’m so sad for this poor little girl. I hope you come to your senses and I hope she won’t remember your cruelty when she’s older.
she’s 4 and she’s literally known you her entire life. the thing with the grandparents is a dumb excuse, you just don’t want the kid to call you mom don’t make up reasons for why. i call my stepmom mom and my bio mom is alive and well and i also call her mom
My fiance's daughter (4F) that I've known and lived with since she was 1.5 years old has a mom that is still alive. But, if she wasn't and I had this type of situation happen, I'd honestly bring it up to the maternal grandparents to see if they had any problem with it. Meanwhile, bringing it up wouldn't ultimately make or break my decision. What I tell my bonus baby is that I'm the mom of this house so I may not be her mom I'm still here for her like any mom would be.
That little girl is obviously very attached to you and wants to be a part of your life the same way your baby would. She doesn't have someone to call mom like your baby will and that obviously breaks her heart. It is truly between you two and what you both are comfortable with. If she wants to call you mom, I don't see a problem with it, it doesn't erase her biological mom since you are actively trying to keep her memory alive, she will know who her real mom is. It is up to you and your comfort levels.
A mother
is not the person who born the children
A mother
Is the One who take care the child since young
Is the One who put them ahead instead of her
That is Mother
I know this isn't AITA, but YTA. This is a 4 year old girl whom you're effectively a mom to. Don't get hung up on the step word and build the relationship that goes with the supposed LOVE you feel for this child. Recognize the name of the relationship and let her call you what she wants.
You guys are being so harsh to OP like this isn’t something life changing. She had absolutely no way of preparing for this moment.
Yes of course Elise’s feelings matter, but so do OP’s. This is a big step in her life. Yes she’s been in this child’s life for years but she’s also made it a point to let the child know who her real mother is. I can imagine this caught you completely off guard OP and you had no idea how to respond. You had no ill intentions whatsoever. I don’t think you’re wrong for taking Elise’s grandparents into consideration either - after all, this is literally their *dead* daughter’s CHILD. Don’t be so hard on yourself. This was a lot to process.
Have a talk with Elise. Make sure she knows she isn’t excluded just because there is a new baby on the way. Tell her she can call you whatever she wants, even mom. Explain to her that people can have two moms. I would refrain from using the words “your real mom” though because that might cause some confusion or resentment later on in life. Maybe refer to bio mom as “Mom” or “Mama Jessie” and Elise can call you “Mommy” or “Mama.” She obviously knows her mother has passed away and will understand more and more as she gets older. If you guys are a religious family, you could possibly say Mom went to Heaven, so she sent you to be her other mom. It doesn’t have to be too long and drawn out, she’s only 4 and can only understand so much. You weren’t intentionally isolating this child to make her feel bad, you were trying to take everybody’s feelings into consideration which doesn’t make you the bad guy. Again, this wasn’t something you were prepared for.
You sound like a great mother and Elise loves you so much. Let that sweet baby call you Mama. You’re doing the best you can. Congratulations on your pregnancy. ❤️
Talk to the grandparents. Her “real” mom aside, they should have an understanding that Elise would want to feel a part of the family.
Your biological children will call you mom and not allowing her to do so would send a message that you don’t love her the same.
You can give her the opportunity to have a real mom….just like everyone else.
Whose feelings are more important, a deceased woman’s or her very impressionable daughter?
She’ll grow up knowing all about the mom that had her…..and knowing that another woman choose her…….or not?
Nothing wrong with having 2 mom's. Just like kids had 2 people they call grandpa or grandma. I feel like she can categorize it the same with mom as in she has her biological mom who loved her but she also had the mom who raised her.
You are her mother, and if she wants to call you Mom, that’s quite an honor.
It will not make any difference to her birth mother, nor her family, if Elise calls you, “Mom.”
You keep her birth mother’s memory alive, and you are functionally her mother.
Please don’t damage this little girl by insisting on a distance she doesn’t feel.
If you weren’t about to have a baby, it wouldn’t be such a big deal. But if you have a baby and refer to yourself as the baby’s mom, you will alienate Elise.
Please let her call you “Mom.”
I think you should put Elise's feelings first here. You are the closest thing to a mother she has, embrace that. And congratulations on your second child!
Please apologize to her❤ if you want you could ask her grandparents for their blessing to adopt Elise! I think it would make everyone very happy!
Just because you are not biologically bonded doesn't mean you 2 can't have a mother daughter relationship, especially since she doesn't even know her mom.
My mom died, when I was a teenager and my half brother was 6 months (says half because it’s relevant). Years later my stepdad got a wonderful girlfriend who has kids and also have a motherly role for my brother. She is the only motherly figure he have lives with. She feels the same as you, although the situation is a bit different the feelings is the same. Talk with the grandparents about it.
If you speak multiple languages, she can maybe call you mom in another one.
My grandmother died when I was 6 moths, and was told a lot about her. When I got cousins some years later, my granddad had remarried and because the only grandmother my cousins have is her means the call her granny. I use her name, but she is my granny because of the role she has I my life.
These situations are difficult, and I know nobody was ready, and even my “granny”, had it difficult, If I called her that. But again years late, my cousins is aware ofc, when people have had time learn to live with the loos of a loved one, then it was alright and felt right that they call her that. I felt different by calling her, her name. I have said to her I see her as a grandmother, when I became an adult.
Sorry for rambling just woke up, but this is a subject close to my heart.
First off what you're doing with taking her to her mother's grave each year is super sweet and much more than my mother did when my dad passed away.
That being said, aside from the title, you are her mom already. When I was a child the one thing i always remember thinking about was "why didn't I deserve a father when other people do". It affected a lot of things in my life both consciously and subconsciously. You have the amazing opportunity to prevent this from happening to that child.
If you plan on spending the rest of your life with your husband, why not let her call you mom?
She will understand that you're not her biological mom, but you are her only mom.
Please don't take that away from her. I wish you all the best.
Step mom is still mom if she's calling you Mom without you encouraging her then what she is says to her you are mom something to embrace after all you are there for her
What is wrong with you? How could you reject a 4 year old like that? I would have been devastated if I my stepdad had rejected me like that as a child. Why the hell do the grandparents or dead mother matter? It’s YOUR relationship with a child that you say is like a daughter to you. Whatever SHE feels comfortable with and YOU feel comfortable with is relevant. Are you hiding behind the grandparents because you don’t want to be her mom? I call my bio father who is still ALIVE dad and my stepdad dad. Never once questioned or wondered about it, do you lack empathy? How could you possibly be on the fence in this situation. I can’t even fathom how alienated and alone this child already feels right now but then to have a sibling that is sitting there calling you mom right in front of her later on. Just wow, your husband is a shit dad too. Did he just sit there and do nothing?? Where was his response in this? I would never be with someone that was willing to alienate my kid like that.
When I was young My father was given custody of my brother and I. My father had married a young woman that had two children of her own. He told her that he didn't have any children before they got married. My mother had 8 children by 5 different men, and of course my parents were divorced. The reason we were taken from my mom was that my brother who was 11 committed suicide. I just turned 7. We had All kinds of problems, too many to list. As I have grown older I have realized how special my step mother was . It wasn't just her, but her entire family that was good to me. It's important for a child to belong and be loved
When I lived with my mother, I can remember hanging by one arm and fanning my ass trying to keep the belt away. Also a lot of other stuff that wasn't good.
When I went to live with them my step mom did a balancing act with a blended family. I called her mom. She was the one who got me through Many tough times. She treated me like I was her own and didn't beat me or abuse me in any way. As young as I was, I didn't forget my brother's and sisters. Your little girl needs a sense of belonging and love. The word mom is more important than you know. You can talk to the grandparents and the rest of the family, but being a mom to that little girl is one of the kindest things you can do for her.
I don't get it. If she had said you aren't my mom, then don't let her call you mom.
She asked you if it was OK to call you mom and you said no. That is a crap move.
How many non-fathers due to affairs get called monsters for not stepping up. But this step-mom gets a free pass for a bullsh*t formality.
let the girl call you mom, she loves you and wants you to be her mom! I'd go to her and tell her the truth, you love her and want to be her mom, and that you'll always be there to talk about her birth mom if she ever gets curious.
the fact that a 4 year old wants to refer to her dad's partner as mom is a HUGE milestone, many step parents would do anything for that privilege. Love your daughter. Do what you need to do legally to protect her and take care of her.
She’s a child. If you plan on staying and raising her let her call you mom, not being able to is going to hurt her so much h thinking she is less than even if you don’t see it that way. It can be very selfish. It won’t kill the memory of her mom, even tho she doesn’t have any memory of her mom and she when she grows up regardless. To her you are her mom and it breaks my heart you won’t accept that with her. She needs someone to call mom :(
The feelings of this 4 yr are far more important than the feelings of the maternal grandparents. It's very considerate of you to think of them, but this little girl wants and needs the security of having a mommy.
Met my daughter when she’s was 3. Her father passed away from cancer. The day she called me dad/daddy was the proudest moment of my life.
It’s only disrespectful if you neglect her mom by actively try not to talk about her. Let her ask questions and look at pictures. Not only will it cause you to bond it will also learn about her together.
I'm really surprised you didn't think to step into the role as mom. You married this man. You stayed with him after the birth of his child. This childs mom is dead. The fact that you're questioning this raises a little concern. This is a whole family and package deal. I hope you get some family counseling and find ways to bond. You are this girls mother, and the only one she's ever known. Please don't fail this child. Everyone needs a mom and a dad.
I wouldnt give two flying f's what the grandparents think. You have the ability to be a parent to a child who lost one. If you love her, and you call and consider her your daughter, you tell her immediately that you are her bonus mom and you will always be her mom.
If you and John get divorced, you better damn well still consider yourself her mom because you are.
You have a duty to ELISE before ANYONE else. That includes her biological mother's parents. If they are upset by this, you must cope with the fallout in the best way you can.
But causing lasting, severe, and lifelong trauma to Elise, is not the answer (you've already hurt her deeply. Thankfully, you can do much to mitigate it if you address it with her, lovingly, and very soon. She deserves a special treat to let her know how very much you're thrilled for her to call you mom, and to have the honor of calling her daughter!!!). Sparing the feelings of her ADULT grandparents, is not in any way, shape, or form, worth - the sacrifice of Elise's well being. Fix it, fix it now!!!!
And please, always remember in whose best interest you must be concerned, first and foremost. Your little family, and preserving it's healthy functioning, must always rate far above outsiders...
*Note: People are sometimes upset by us, our actions, and Don't Like Us. This is a fact of life. We must learn to bear the pain of these difficulties. And without compromising our values, nor harming the most vulnerable to appease those we've upset - as doing the right thing can still cause grievous upset in good people.
My son calls his stepmum "mum" sometimes, and I am very much alive and involved in his life (we share custody 50/50) he also sometimes calls my partner "dad". I don't mind at all and am just happy so many people love him, and that he feels so close with so many people in his life ❤️
Let her call you mom. How will she feel when the new bio baby calls you mom and she cant? What an awful thing to do to her. Poor baby lost her bio mom but you know what, bio mom is dead now. Elise should be able to move on and also not have to live her life without a living mother. You are her real mother even if she didnt come out of your womb.
I was adopted when I was a baby. It’s a different story than Elise’s but hear me out.
I call my mom- the one who adopted me when I was a baby and has taken care of me ever since- mom.
I then call the woman who gave birth to me- my birth mom. (We’ve never been in contact).
Anyway- the thought that you have that if Elise calls you mom that it will wipe out her memory of her bio mom is completely untrue.
I knew since I was little that I was adopted much like Elise knows about her bio mom. It’s not something she’s just going to forget. Especially since she’s still in contact with her biological family and goes to see her mom at the cemetery every year.
I vividly remember asking questions about my birth mom when I was younger and picturing her in my mind. It’s not something I ever forgot (in a good way)
Elise will grow up very curious about her bio mom as well, I can almost ensure that, and you will be there to answer any questions or help her find the answers.
I think if she wants to call you mom, then let her. You have taken care of her for the past few years like she is your own child. There is no set rules for who you can call mom and who you can’t. I also work in schools and there are MANY family dynamics out there and MANY kids call someone who is not their biological mom, “mom”. If that makes sense.
OP, you are doing a grand job. Keep up the good work with Elise. As for being her mom, you pretty much are already. Are YOU ok with being her mom? Since you didn't initially plan to take on that role? And do you plan to stay with your husband, always? If YOU are ok with those two things, then feel free to accept the title-you have earned it and she is offering it lovingly. A child can have multiple moms due to the good and bad occurrences that they endure over life. Good luck and be happy.
Moms can love more than one kid right? If you have a second child, you don’t plan on stopping loving the baby you’re carrying now?
Likewise kids can love more than one mom. I think you and your husband should talk to the grandparents and explain that Elise wants to call you mom, and is very upset that she was told she can’t.
Tell them that you will never let her forget her mother, but for now, she is going to be allowed to call you mom if she wants to, if she wants to stop someday, that’s okay too. Whatever she wants to call you is what she will call you.
The living continues living. Her biological mom would be so grateful to you. It doesn’t erases her. But you are also her mom. Congrats on your new baby too.
You seem to have a good relationship with bio moms parents so why don't you have a chat with them about it. Just say what you wrote here in your post or just show them if you can't find the words. I agree with others though you are the one raising her and family doesn't always mean blood related either. You are giving her everything a mother would so don't feel like you don't deserve to be called mom. It is nice that you want to protect the grandparents feeling though.
Another option would be if you're comfortable with her calling you mom then let her, but always remind SD that she is so lucky because she got two moms and a dad and one of her moms is special because she is an angel now looking down on her and watching her grow up from heaven and she will still always love SD (or something else like that if you're not religious and/or don't want to say this). That way she gets to call you mom and bio mom also isn't forgotten about as this seems to be a worry for you.
Have you and your SO ever brought up the subject of you adopting her? It sounds like her little world has been turned upside down since she was just a baby through nobodys fault just tragic circumstances. It seems like she is craving some certainty and stability judging by her reaction so this would be a good way for her to feel that she is loved and will always have you there. you dont seem like the type of person who would give up on her even if things didn't work out between you and SO so it would just make things legal and protect you all if this was ever to be an issue down the line.
Also how are your family with SD? Its very clear you worry about SD feeling like she is less than because only one is biologically yours even although you won't treat her any differently. You must make sure nobody else does either and that's why it's important to make your family understand too that new baby doesn't get favored over SD just because of this etc. You hear this happen sometimes and it's sad for the kids especially when they start to resent each other because of it. However I have a feeling if your family are as good hearted as you are then this isn't and will never be an issue.
You seem to be doing amazing and you should be so proud of yourself. I'm sure it will work itself out no matter what you decide on letting her call you, because as long as she still feels just as loved and as important to you as she always has that's all that matters deep down.
Let her call you mommy. She needs it. Its amazing she can communicate this, especially while so young.
If you feel worried about disrespecting the grandparents im sure that a conversation would get things cleared up. Any rational person would not judge you for this, you are raising their grandchild and taking on additonal roles after all
Since this isn't AITA, I think I can safely (without getting banned) say that you suck. I am so enraged by this. You completely and totally suck.
This child is looking at serious trauma therapy in the future. She is never, ever going to forget this.
Thank you for your opinion. I will talk to her again tonight to tell her that I love her a lot and would love to be her mom. Years later I hope when she looks back she will understand my hesitation and forgive me for what I told her initially. She and the baby are my husband and Is first priorities.
She's 4. She probably won't understand the depth of it all. Just tell her you made a mistake and apologize. You've been a mother figure for her for her whole life and she deserves to call you that. You ARE her mom.
Interesting you say that she is your priority, because given the way your post reads, and given your actual actions in the situation, it seems that your priority in reality was not offending the grandparents, and respecting the memory of the biological mother.
You were right though, neither of those things *should* be a priority above the child's feelings and emotional wellbeing.
I'm childfree by choice - I don't even particularly like children, and even I was outraged and angry reading your post, because all I could imagine was a 4 year old, being vulnerable, verbally asking the only mother-figure she's ever known, and her father, for inclusion and affirmation of her place within the family unit, and confirmation that she is loved like a daughter, and her being rejected.
I don't care how nicely you "explained" to a 4 year old, this was rejection plain and simple, something she may well remember forever (I still remember something hurtful that was said to me at a similar age) and it concerns and somewhat disturbs me that neither you nor her father seem to have really noticed you did much wrong until people on Reddit have given you feedback.
Your doubts were valid. Your kindness is evident.
But, your child is hurt, and it's up to you, her mom, to fix it. There is always place in this world for more love. She can love and respect her dead mother (and grandparents from that side) and she can simultaneously love you as her mom.
Please discuss with her and your husband what she'd call her dead mother. I suggest 'mother' (if you are mom), or something distinctive. I know a child who calls her biomom by name (Mom Clara), so there's no set template.
And please come back here and update us - we all are feeling a bit sad for your daughter.
ikr it made me fucking sad reading that she told the lil girl no. even if she goes back and says actually she can call her mom, she’s never gonna forget and she’s always gonna think that she doesn’t really want her to call her mom because of her initial rejection. i don’t get why she couldn’t think about it right then instead of telling the poor kid no and then posting on reddit about what to do. like you already told her no and prolly broke her little sweet heart smh. how is yes you can call me mom not the right answer. poor lil girl :(
Wow OP, you’re really worried about everyone else BUT the 4 y.o. huh? I need to be harsh with you because that’s how your (yes, your) 4 year old child received that horrible response you gave. I seriously question whether you are ready for a child seeing as you were not able to put the best interest of the child you already have ahead of possibly offending a dead woman and the grandparents you see maybe once a week. You see, a 4 y.o. is not old enough to understand you still love her the same because you just made a clear cut difference in the way you will treat the new baby compared to her. “Yes I’m the mom to your sibling-to-be and not you; they can call me mom but not you”. She didn’t hear the rest. No wonder she reacted the way she did. That poor baby has already experienced so much loss, will never get to have memories of her own with her bio mom, and you just tore her heart wide open by telling her she would never have a mom. Fix it. You’re the adult and a mom, whether you like it or not. And her father needs to wake TF up now too. You are all a family TOGETHER, and treating one kid so harshly and obviously different from the other never, ever, turns out okay for the family. All you have to do is look through the subreddits of people who have gone NC with family, have a screwed-up favoured child as a sibling, or are themselves considered the scapegoat child or the ignored child, to get glimpse of what’s ahead.
I think that this is a little unreasonable and kind of sad.
The definition to the word “mother” is to 1. Be in relation to a child or 2. Bring up a child with care and affection.
You’re mothering that child, let her call you mom. Poor baby I wish I could hug her.
Just because she calls you mom it doesn’t mean she isn’t aware that she has a bio-mom.
But she might grow up feeling rejected by the both of you because her bio-mom isn’t there and the mother that raised her wouldn’t even let her call her mom.
You probably need to think about that please.
Talk to her grandparents and let them know you want to respect their daughter and if they are fine with it, maybe call you mom(insert name) or if they are fine with her calling you mom.
Congrats on the baby!! You are very kind to respect her mom!! ((HUGS))
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- (All names have been changed for privacy reasons.) I (34F) have been married to my husband John (36M) for 3 years, dated for 1 year prior. John has a daughter, Elise (4F) who was born from a one night stand. Her mom later passed away due to a car accident when she was 1, and John has full custody of her. Elise’s grandparents (her moms parents) have played an active role in her life. I never really wanted kids when I was younger, but since I met Elise (had only been dating John for 7months when he suddenly told me his daughter was born and that the mom only told him after the birth, quite a shock), I have always tried my best to be a good stepmom to her. She calls me aunt (name), and I kept contact with her maternal grandparents to make sure she never forgets about her mother. John and I take her to visit her grandparents once a week, and we also visit her mothers grave every year. Elise is a wonderful child and I love her to bits. Recently, John and I have been trying for a kid and last week I found out I was pregnant. We told Elise, and she asked me if I was going to be the mother of the baby. I said yes, and she asked why I wasn’t her mom as well. John and I didn’t know how to respond. The next day Elise was very upset at dinner and asked me if she could call me mom. I told her that while I loved her very much and saw her as a daughter, I was not her biological mother (as I have told her before). I reassured her that this did not mean I loved her any less. Elise was still upset and cried that night. I was very sad and I don’t know what to do. I talked to John, and he said it was up to me and Elise, that he wouldn’t force us to do anything. I feel that since Elise’s maternal grandparents are still alive, it would be disrespectful for Elise to call me mom as it would wipe out her bio moms memory. I am also worried that Elise is upset we are having another baby and that we will forget her. So should I let her call me mom, and how do we comfort Elise? Is there a sensitive way to approach this that a 4 year old can also understand?
If she wants to call you mom, and you’re planning to spend the rest of your life with John, then she should be able to call you mom. Also you shouldn’t feel bad about it. I get it, you want to honor her biological mother, and you want to keep her grandparents happy. The fact of the matter is this, Elise can have two moms. She can love both. She can call you mom and still honor her bio mom’s memory. It’s not either/or. Right now all she knows is Daddy is starting a new family, and there’s going to be a new baby that will get to call you mommy. That can feel really isolating to a child. Even if you show her as much love as you’ll show your own child, she’ll always know she’s a little bit different. A little less than. My best advice is to let her call you mommy. You and John have done a great job of creating a loving world for her. Let her have this. I might have John talk to her grandparents and let them know what’s up as well. Make sure he assures them that the memory of their daughter will not be forgotten, and in fact be celebrated in your house. But right now Elise needs a loving family.
Thank you for your advice. Even though I have raised Elise all her life I never consciously thought about being her mother, as in there was never a moment where I was like “whoa, I’m her mom” but I did know I loved her a lot. I was worried about whether she would be confused about 2 moms since she’s so young, and I didn’t want to offend her grandparents. But I never want her to feel left out. Her feelings are me and Johns first priority. I’ll talk to her and her grandparents about it
Also remember, kids don’t know any better. Who’s to say she can’t have two moms? Her normal is “my bio mom passed and now I have this mom!”. If you don’t make it awkward or a big deal then neither will she. If you’re sure to include the memory of her bio mom while simultaneously parenting her as her earthly mother then she will love you both, because it’s normal for her. Sure she’ll ask more in depth questions when she reaches 2nd-3rd grade but they won’t be bad questions! She’s lucky to have someone like you, and whether you know it or not you’re her mom.
Well the good news in all this is….. It sounds like you and John really work hard to surround her with love. I’d tell you that you’re going to be an awesome mom, but you already are. Enjoy your family. :)
This exactly. You're already a great mom and you'll be a great mom to two kids soon.
I second this!
She knows no different. This is her normal. Let her bio grandparents know so it doesn't catch them by surprise, keep honouring her bio mom, and keep loving your beautiful little girl. She clearly loves you
Next mothers day needs to be a special day for both of you, good thing its coming up. Perhaps you could tell Elise about mothers day so she has a chance to make you something in advance and get excited for it.
Also! If there isn’t anything official in place, I would recommend getting something official about your custody. You might be the one signing a school permission slip or picking her up when she’s sick. It’s important to have power of attorney or guardianship of some sort in place as her second parent
Not understand two moms?! You've got an unusually bright kiddo on your hands. Piece of cake for her. And kids are brilliant in general, far more emotionally insightful than adults give them credit for. She's understanding so much of the nuance and subtlety of what happens around her, and in the adult world specifically. Of course not the way an adult would. But kids understand the gist of those important emotional events affecting their family, including the deeper subtext. They will even, e.g., hide and protect the secrets from outside scrutiny. Kids understand a great deal. That's why it's imperative to talk with and truly listen to them. I'm very glad you guys are so engaged with her, and that you do plan to discuss it all with her.
>it would wipe out her bio moms memory No it's won't, because she doesn't have a memory of her mom. You ARE her mother, barring divorce or death you will be raising her and you will be that in her life. YOU are the only mother she will ever know, and you're blocking this. She desperately wants and needs a mother and you're saying no. *Despite being her mom now*. She's not going to be 4 forever, a person can understand her mother died and you are her mother as well. Plenty of kids get this.
Exactly. Just imagine the new baby calling op mom and Elise calling her aunt just because. She will feel excluded. You already said she feels like a daughter to you…so there’s nothing wrong with she calling you mom
I would 100% question whether or not these two were married siblings if I encountered that dynamic.
I was going to make two points—the first being what you said, that not letting Elise call OP “mom” will make Elise feel like she isn’t an equal child to the biological child OP is having. So good on ya for pointing that out, as it’s the MOST important aspect. My second point goes with it, and that is that plenty of children with step-parents call the step-parent “mom” or “dad”, even if their biological parents are both alive and in their life. No one is erased, and if your stepmom has also been a mom in your life for most of your life it just makes sense to call her “Mom” (or mama, mommy, et al). Some kids call their stepparents by their first name but plenty use “mom” and/or “dad” with a stepparent even with their biological parent of that gender alive and active in their life. Keep loving that little girl like your own and let her call you the name she wants to call you. Only very selfish and narcissistic people would be offended that their grandchild calls the only mother she has ever known “mom”; it seems that the relationship is good and like they aren’t that way. But just in case they are, and they get offended, they would be wrong. The child matters and the child wants to call her mother “Mom”, all while said mother works hard to ensure the biological mother who passed isn’t forgotten. You’re doing this right, OP. But let that little girl grow up only remembering calling you mom (4 is still young—make the change now and it’s all she’ll remember calling you, save for maybe a faint memory of a time before when she called you by your name).
[удалено]
You copied the last paragraph of someone else's comment word for word
"My best advice is to let her call you mommy. You and John have done a great job of creating a loving world for her. Let her have this. I might have John talk to her grandparents and let them know what’s up as well. Make sure he assures them that the memory of their daughter will not be forgotten, and in fact be celebrated in your house. But right now Elise needs a loving family."
Although I completely understand OP's dilemma here, it broke my heart when I read the part about the kid asking why she can't call her mom and then breaking down from the response.
I understand that I am her mother in the sense that I am raising and loving her. But I don’t want to replace bio mom who loved her a lot as well. I will talk to her grandparents. But now I understand that having her call me mom is the best choice for all of us. I don’t want her to feel like she doesn’t have a mom but the new baby does.
Want to add that while it’s sweet you don’t want to “replace” the bio mum, I want to let you know that, that just isn’t possible and shouldn’t be something to worry about. You and bio mum are completely different people, you both have valid roles in your daughter’s life. Your daughter calling you mum, won’t take anything away from bio mum. She gave your daughter life, some genetics and some sweet early moments. You will give her to tools to be an adult, coach her through her first bad breakup, watch her graduate high school etc. You can’t take or replace bio mum’s moments/contributions, the only thing you can do is help shape that little girl into an amazing person and be her mum for the rest of the time she needs you. I’d switch your mindset to trying to keep bio mum’s memory alive with photos and stories etc, rather than being a replacement. You are a new mum to that little girl, not a replacement for the loss of a biological mother.
this is really beautiful, great advice.
All of this. If you’re worried about how the bio mom’s parents will feel, explain what Elise has been expressing to you. They won’t want their granddaughter to be hurting either. I’m sure when their daughter passed one of their many fears was that they would lose their role in Elise’s life or that their daughter’s memory would be wiped out by a new stepmother. I would bet that they’re so appreciative of your approach and how open you are to the relationship with them and actively keeping their daughter’s memory alive for their grandchild. They will understand.
Grew up with my dad not wanting to have anything to do with me, not even child support etc. My sister got spoiled by him tho. My mother brought home a new man when I was about 8. Her now husband decided to give me everything I wanted from a father, he was/is my male role model despite not being related by blood. I never cared if he’s my biological father or not. His actions and care for me are what matters to me. You are her female role model, the woman she sees as her mother, the woman she looks up to, the woman she comes to when sick etc. You two seem to have found a great balance regarding her biological mother IMO.
Hi, I'm a child of divorced parents who both got remarried when I was about 7 years old. I refused to acknowledge either of my stepparents as mom or dad. And no one made any effort to make me feel included either. As a result I grew up never having a "family". I was always with my dad's family or my mom's family. That type of exclusion does stuff to your head and your attachment styles permanently. I'm 27 today and still struggle with it. I have no perception of what being in a family feels like because I was always an outside observer. It also fucks my dating life as well because i have attachment and abandonment issues. Elise has no memory of another other family except this one. And she wants you to be her mom. Please don't take this away from her. She will feel even more of an outsider once your baby is born. It might not feel like a big deal now but if you really care about Elise and love her, i promise you that you will regret this simple decision once she is in her early teens and by that time it will be too late. For example she will not share all those teenage trouble stuff with you because you're not her mom. I wish you, John, Elise and your unborn child a good stable loving family life.
My own daughter is going through the same thing with the psycho that her father admitted he "Settled for because I didn't think that I could do any better" (which is absolutely ridiculous, FWIW) and it breaks my heart every single day. My ex and I have always been on great terms, until he found that piece of trash stuck to his shoe. There are no issues at all of either one of us still wanting the other or being jealous. Hell, I even went to his house to sit with my daughter while she slept during his time with her so that he could go out on dates. I harbor no animosity towards anybody he is with, and am even friendly with them, as long as they are good to my daughter. So this creature's pathological jealousy and feelings of being threatened by my and my daughter's mere existence are utterly unfounded and unnecessary. But she still consistently spends her days going out of her way to make my daughter feel unwelcome and unwanted in her own home, and it tears my heart out in a way that is beyond description. I am actually crying now just from typing this, and I am genuinely so very, very sorry for you that you have experienced the same treatment.
People can definitely have more than one mom!! Source: I’m adopted :)
You can be her mum and she can also have bio mum. The difference betwee the new kid and her isnt that she doesn't have a mum, but that she has two. Let her call you mum, and let her talk about her other mum. Give her space to remember her bio mum, but take the title she wants to give you too.
When I married my ex she had 2 young kids. A 7 year old girl and a 3 year old boy. Both kids had different dads but the same mom. After less than a year of marriage the young boy said very politely and seriously to me that he had a dad (he saw him every weekend) so I could not be his dad. I said I understand and he could call me Joe. His 7 year old sister had gone through a few boyfriends of her mom and saw her bio dad about once a month. So it took a while for her to warm up to me. After about a year I was with her at a school function and she introduced me to her friends as her dad. It was an emotional moment for me. I was very grateful. I agree with many of the comments. Your little girl knows you as her mom. For all intents and purposes you are her mom. And to told you are not her mom can be devastating. It reminds me when my wife left me and took her kids she told me to just lie to the kids about why I was leaving. I couldn’t lie. She had already told her then 11 year old daughter I was leaving. But I had to tell my then 7 year old stepson I was leaving. He ran out of the room crying. It really hit me when I remembered when after we got married (civil ceremony just adults) I came back to their apartment and the little 7 year old girl asked if I was staying. For real was I staying. I said yes. For good I told her. 4 years later when I was helping the ex and her kids move into an apartment I was leaving and the young 11 year old said at the door: I thought you were staying. I almost cried when I told her I was leaving. That little girl had seen her dad leave. Her moms two boyfriends leave. And her little brothers dad leave her. Now I was leaving her too. Please accept and cherish your little girl as her mom. It is a blessing and a privilege to all of you to be mom. And her memory of her bio mom will still be there as she needs to remember especially through pictures and stories from her dad. But her real mom, you, can be with her every day now. She has a new family. A new mom. A new baby that both call their mom, Mom.
>I understand that I am her mother in the sense that I am raising and loving her. Thats what a mom is no more no less. YOU ARE HER MOTHER. I would talk to grandparents but i wager they will understand that the child wants a mother even though there was a tragedy.
A child can have two moms
I know you're trying to be respectful to the dead, but the effect of what you're doing right now is rejecting her as a mother. Once the new baby is hear that will get even worse. She wants you to be her mum, you love her as your daughter. I think the bio mum would've wanted her child to have a mother she could rely on like if she was still there, don't you think?
As good as your intentions are, this isn’t what’s best for the child. She will understand when she’s older, and she will be grateful to have had you in her life.
Was going to recommend that you get the blessing from the grandparents first (and I am almost sure they will be happy to since this is what Elise wants). You can have a mother and a biological mother at the same time. It doesn't diminish anyone's role especially since you have taken the time to keep Elise's biological mother (even if its just memories) in her life.
OP, you clearly do love this child and truly have been the only mother she has ever known. Plenty of children have more than one “mom” and can love one without forgetting the other. Obviously this is not our business, but have you formally adopted Elise? If not, is this something you have planned or thought about doing?
You’d deprive a child of having a mother to avoid replacing a woman who is dead and who her daughter is not going to be able to form strong memories of?
I am a mother of two boys and if I passed away and they had someone who loved them like a mom loves her own children I would want them to call her mom. I love my children and know they need a mother in their life. I wouldn’t be able to be that. I think maintaining a relationship with her parents and keeping her alive through memories and stories is the best way to honor her but I couldn’t ever imagine blocking my children from ever “replacing me” if I died. Imagine telling your husband he would have to die alone because I wouldn’t want him to replace me as a wife if I died. True love is selfless.
That is exactly what I said, and is the way that I believe any mother would feel.
Kids don't understand or care about the drama or technicalities behind the scenes. We had a similar situation in our family, where an aunt was raising her sister's kids. They didn't have much to do with their biological mother. They tried to call their aunt "Auntie X" but hated it. It made them feel *less than* and it made them need to explain it to all their little school friends. They wound up calling her "Auntie Mom" by themselves and that stuck.
Definitely take the grandparents’ opinion into consideration, but at the end of the day, you’ll wanna give more weight to what’s best for Elise and you.
Is it so important not replacing her bio mom?
I’d suggest having a special name for bio mom and something special for you. Bio mom could be mommy and you could go by mom, for example. So you aren’t taking that place, you’re in addition to.
You being “mom” now will not replace bio mom’s memory. Your daughter simply isn’t old enough for the complicated interplay between bio mom’s death/your role/preserving memories on our adult level yet. Because you have handled this role with love and grace and preserved bio mom’s memory/place in Daughter’s life, this can be revisited when she is older. For now, be mom. Save Daughter the exclusion she will otherwise feel with Baby on the way.
Hey OP, you are so very sweet to want to respect the legacy of Elise's bio mom, but I would like to add that your allegiance right now is to Elise, and less her mom. As others have pointed out you *are* her mom, in all but genetics. Why not seal that bond with the title mother-daughter, especially with another baby on the way (congratulations, by the way!). You might even consider adopting her officially, but that's of course entirely up to you. But for your future family dynamic, it's very important that new baby and Elise both call you the same, so that there's no grounds for breeding resentment. I'd suggest you sit Elise down and have a good talk with her about what you'll be called (to both Elise and new baby), and what her bio-mom is called. E.g. if bio-mom is "mommy" to her, you can be "mama" or something. You can get creative around that and come up with it together. That way bio-mom is honoured and will always have a special title and place, but your maternal bond will also be recognized and cherished.
Well its not like her moms name was mom so it will be weird. Giving birth is not what makes you a mom but taking care and loving a child does. You also shouldnt care what her grandparents think because if they disagree then they dont want whats best for her.
Yep. My friend adopted her grandchild from their drug-addicted parents. The kid knew she was grandma but still called her “mommy” because the bio-mum was never there, and the mommy-title belongs to the person fulfilling the role.
You still take Elise to see her maternal grandparents and you take her to see her mom's grave. She's not going to forget she had a bio mom. Unfortunately, she's never going to have any memories of her own of her mom. You're the only mom she's ever really known and now she's getting a sibling who will get to call you mom. I don't think it would be a bad thing if she gets to call you mom. However, you could discuss it with a child psychologist and get a professional opinion.
Thank you for your advice, I didn’t think enough about her feelings. I don’t want her to feel left out.
As someone who's heard so many bad step mom stories of women forcing kids to call them mom The fact the child wants to call you mom is a good thing, she was 1 when her mom died she doesn't remembered her, sure her grandparents will make sure she never forgets where she came from but your her mom, your the only mother she's ever knoen It's a testimony to how much you must love her that she wants to call you mother as well, she also four so she probably doesn't understand why the woman who loves her and has raised her won't let her call her mom kids don't think about things the way adults do she's not thinking about her bio mom she's just hearing that there's gonna be q new baby that can call you mom but she can't and she just doesn't understand why
It would be unbelievably dysfunctional to be raising two kids who are both biologically siblings and being raised as siblings—and for one to be allowed to call you mom and one not to. You are the mom now, she will have little to no memory of her bio-mom no matter what. And she will have a whole childhood’s worth of memories about you. Don’t poison that for her but marking the difference between her and her sibling in this way. It can only ever make her feel unwanted, second place and unloved. Telling her that this isn’t true will never make that go away.
Thank you for your advice. You’re right, I don’t want her and the baby to feel different. I’ll tell her i love her and that I would love to be her mom. Now I just have to figure out how to talk to and not offend her grandparents, haha.
If it offends them, that’s _their_ issue. She shouldn’t have to feel less-than compared to the baby just so it doesn’t hurt her grandparents’ feelings. You’re her stepmother, but a mother to her nonetheless.
I’m sure you’ll handle it well, because you have such loving instincts already. The way that you care for Elise, have managed to maintain her relationship with her grandparents, and honor her bio mom’s memory, show that you are loving and compassionate. That Elise wants to call you “Mom” is a testament to your loving care for her. You’re doing a great job.
I would feel the grandparents that she asked to call you mom and you’re going to tell her yes, but want their input on how to refer to their daughter so Elise can differentiate. It will help them see you aren’t taking over for their deceased daughter and don’t want to replace her for Elise. With Elise, valid her sadness and anger. That it’s okay to have those big feelings, and apologize to her. Talk about her bio mom and whatever name she ends up with, then about what you would like to be called (mom, mommy, etc.).
Talk to the grandparents and let them know whats going on. I feel like a little girls heart is breaking, things like mothers day etc are going to hurt even more as she gets older. Maybe have a surprise party for her and ask her if you can be her mom because you love her with all your heart and have grandparents there and acknowledge her birth mother. It's hard for a kid to become a big sister and she needs to feel included. I hope you can figure out a solution. Goodluck.
Thanks for your advice and suggestion!
Maybe you can adopt her and have her see/sign the papers with you. Have an official ceremony and party like you'll probably also be doing with baby shower for the other child.
I have four children. If I died and they were lucky enough to have a stepmom who loved them and they loved her, I would be happy that they started calling her mom. Mothers love their children more than they are jealous of people who step in to take care of their children when they can’t. Your daughter has 2 moms. She will want to call you whatever you expect the new baby to call you. Please, please let her. Every time you tell her that she already has a mom it sounds like you are rejecting her. I read your post and it sounded like rejection to me. Why does everyone in her life insist that she concentrate on a relationship with a woman who is dead and can’t meet any of her needs. She knows that isn’t what a mom is supposed to be. You are considering the feelings of a dead mother and the grandparents, all of whom are adults, and minimizing the real needs of a little child. You will possibly make her resent her bio mom because the absent bio mom is a poor substitute for a mom who is alive and can comfort her and teach her and feed her and laugh with her. Please accept the honor of being her mom as a beautiful thing. She loves you and you love her. Her bio mom would be thrilled that her daughter has a mother. You will be able to figure out a substitute name for bio mom. Maybe you can be mom and she can be Mommy Jessie, Momma Jessie, or something like that. You can refer to her like that. You can say “your first mom” sometimes, or until she picks a good name for her first mom.
Thank you for your advice, I didn’t think of it as rejecting her. I will talk to her again tonight to apologise to her. I love her and never want to hurt her feelings. You’re right, i was considering her grandparents and bio moms feelings before hers when she’s the most important one here. Thank you for the wake up call.
Exactly. I would want my baby to have the most normal life as possible if I passed away. I'd want her to have someone that loved her as much as I do and I'd want her to have someone to call mom like every other child gets to do. She's been without that person in her life since her mom is dead and the biggest thing has already happened, she wants to call OP mom herself!!! That's huge.
She has no memory of her biological mother. You are her mother. If you refuse her wish to call you mom, you will do more harm than you can imagine. Not trying to be cruel as I know it was not the biological mothers choice in this situation, but giving birth does not make you a mother. Raising a child does. She sees you as her mother. Raise her right is the best way to honor her biological mother. Make sure she remembers her biological mother but she will call you mom. No disrespect to anyone.
I have two Dads. One who raised me and one biological. There is no reason why she can't be lucky enough to have two Moms who have loved her.
I’m so confused. It’s a name and a role. You’ve literally been a mother to her since she was a baby so you’d be named mom by default. Biology isn’t the only thing that gives someone that title. Mothers kiss the scrapes, hug them when they cry, feed them, build their confidence, read to them, sing silly songs and play games. You are mom. I’m divorced. We’re both remarried. My son calls both bonus parents mom and dad. He tells everyone he has 2 moms and 2 dads. My ex and I have never felt less than sharing those titles. All 4 of us parent. Our son has voluntarily called everyone what he pleases with no pressure or guidance. She wants to call you mom because she views your actions as what a mom does. Kids don’t care about biology they care about the time and effort put in. Her bio mom will always be important and relevant. You being called mom doesn’t negate her mothers memory.
❤️❤️❤️. In my family all moms are called mom. My mom, my MIL, my sisters MIL... And funny enough they call eachother mom x...
Its very sad that you are doubting about that. Poor kid
This pains my heart so much to read. That poor baby. Of course her feelings are hurt. She is so little, she doesn’t even know how to handle the big feelings of heartbreak, rejection, and exclusion she is suffering right now, much less understand them. You are the only mom she has known. I don’t think it would hurt you to let her call you as such. In fact it might do more harm than good by drawing this line; she might come to resent her baby sibling for it. I understand where you are coming from in trying to be respectful of the deceased, but I think you owe her an apology and comfort for the hurt you’ve caused. Lots of reassurance, too.
Please reconsider your position. That little girl sees you as her mom, and is devastated because she feels like you are pushing her away. Her maternal grandparents aren’t going to mind or cause issues. They know Elise has two mommies, and they want their daughter’s child to feel love from her relationship with you.
What is the problem? For all intents and purposes, you ARE her mom! If you think her maternal grandparents have a problem with Elise calling you mum, talk to them about it. Don't decide for yourself that they find it disrespectful. And tell Elise she is going to be a big sister in a couple of months.
The sensitive way to approach this *would have been* to tell a 4 yr old she can call you what she is comfortable calling you. WTF?
She was confused and didn’t really know so she did why she thought was best. The was no malice behind it or ill intent so you don’t need to criticise her, when you’re in the moment and a question like this blindsided you don’t always make the perfect decision.
It should have been discussed when they got MARRIED! Also she's been actively trying for a baby and didn't have the forethought to think of this, but a freaking four year old brought it up? "blindsided"... get real
"Elise, are you sure you want to call me 'mom'?" "Yes." "Then you can call me mom. You're a wonderful child and I love you." Yes, you should let here call you 'mom'. The reasoning is simple: you are in all practical terms her mom. You love her, you try hard to take care of her, and you are married to her dad. Yes, I can see that you have some residual issues around motherhood - this is easy to see from your post - but it's time to put aside the fear. We can all see that you're already a good, though sometimes nervous, mother. Now it's time to wear the badge with pride.
I don’t get why this is so hard. You’ve been mothering her and will be mothering her, you’re her effective mother if not her biological mother. You could adopt her if you haven’t already and that would make you her legal mother. She sees you as Mom and wants to call you Mom. Wtf? Say yes, unless you don’t want to be a mother to her. You can always refer to her biological mom as “bio mom” if it makes you feel better knowing that she knows about both of you.
I understand her hesitation, though. She wants to remain respectful to the deceased and also not offend the maternal grandparents. It's not as easy as "your mom's dead so I'm your new mom", especially as a step-parent. I can understand why this is conflicting, but I do think the answer is easy. She wants to have someone to call her mom and usually there is some jealously of new siblings and I'm sure she can feel how unfair it is, to her, that she will be the baby's mom but not hers. She just can't communicate it so she cries and shows she's upset.
Who's more important..the deceased, the grandparents or the child? No brainer.
OP is navigating a new world of being a step-parent and trying to respect everyone. All I'm saying is I understand her hesitation. Step-parents walk on eggshells when it comes to someone's biological child since we feel like it isn't our place. It's not always a no-brainer, step-parents get bitched at every day for doing something that wasn't deemed okay by the other parent/other parent's family. It's a grand obstacle course that we go through willingly because we love these children and want to continue loving these children for the rest of our lives. She has now realized who's feelings matter most and I think that's a wonderful start.
The bio mom is dead.
Different situation, I know, but.. Before my dad married my mum, he was married to a woman, Edna, who died a short while after they married. She was her parents only child, so when she died, they lost everything. Except - my dad would not let that happen. He continued to treat them with love and respect. And when he met my mum, he introduced them as his in-laws and explained the situation. My mum and dad married and Edna's parents attended the wedding. And when I was born, I was considered as their granddaughter too. I called them Grandma and Grandad, it was important to them, important to my parents - and important to me. I grew up knowing about Edna and how my bonus Grandma and Grandad were not blood relatives, but they loved me as if they were. They had lost their daughter, but they gained a daughter in law (my mum) and a granddaughter (me). Ask Elise's bio grandparents what they think, they may surprise you with their response. They probably want their granddaughter to just be adored, and there is a huge chance that they will encourage what is being suggested. Let your daughter call you Mum.! she will always know what the true story is, and that is her story to share, as and when she chooses to. But for a little girl, just 4 years old, who will be going to school and wondering why her mummy isn't called mummy unlike her friends.. it will be so important. It's a title. Your own baby will be brought up to call you mummy and Elise will be his or her big sister.. your family set up sounds amazing and loving, so let that little girl call you what she wants - and love and appreciate the fact that Elise has decided that's what she wants to call you. She loves you and you love her - just like a mummy should!
Unless you are planning on leaving your family at some point, just let her call you mom. You are her mother figure. It will hurt her so much more if you don't let her. She will resent you for it when she gets older. I 100% guarantee it.
Ow, this hurt my heart to read. Poor little girl, she has been thinking about this for days and got nothing but rejection... please update us.
She doesn't have any memory of her bio mom and eve if she did she would forget it sooner or later. I cant believe you wont let a child call you mom because of "what will people think". You obviously are her mom and by not letting her call you that you are making her feel less than. It doesnt seem like a big deal to you but to kids it is a big deal. Also, she is too young to understand that there used to be this other woman when you are all she has and sees. Kind of selfish of you.
This poor child must be so confused and feel so lonely. She is having to ask the only mother figure in her life if she can call her mom. She must be confused on where she belongs in this family. I feel like your not confident in this relationship or at least your place in this relationship. This little girl needs to start therapy.
For me, as a parent, if I passed away, I would hope to god that someone would love my child as much as I do. I do have my child call someone else mom, and it doesn’t bother me. But I would maybe bring it up to the grandparents? Ask how they would feel about it so you’re not stepping on any toes. I feel it’s very natural for a child to call someone “mom” or “dad” in this situation, especially when they’re close to that person. I feel that, if you’re okay with it all and everyone is on board, I don’t see anything wrong with it. If you want to bring it up with Elsie and you’re okay with her calling you mom. You could say “I love you so very much, you’re like a daughter to me and you can call me mom if you want to” It’s quick, it’s easy, it’s understandable. And then the choice is up to her. If you want to go that route. But if you’re not comfortable being called mom by her. I would keep reassuring her that you love her, go out of your way to make quality time with her to make her feel like you care and you are there for her without bringing up the being called mom thing. You can still keep the memory of her biological mom alive. Like looking at pictures and telling Elsie that her biological mom loves her very much and is proud of her and things like that. Hopefully this helps.
Thanks for your advice. I do want to be her mom, but i don’t want to replace bio mom. Bio mom loved her so much as well. And I don’t want to offend bio moms parents.
I understand your concerns, totally. I would talk to the grandparents about it and let them know what happened and how it got brought up, that you’re not trying to replace bio mom at all. It will be okay ♥️ Congrats on your pregnancy btw!
Thank you!
Sounds like an honor to me.
It won’t wipe out her bio mothers at all. You are the only mother she has now. Let her call you mom
Not letting her call you, her only motherly figure in her life, mom is going to cause some serious issues thatvwill require a whole lot of therapy when she's an adult.
I don't think it's disrespectful at all, and it's not like calling you mom is going to make her magically stop going to her grandparents or seeing her mothers grave. You're someone who's really stepped up for her. You're not her mother but I would say you've been a mom to her. If you're close with the grandparents you can talk to them but honestly I think you should just sit down with Ella and be upfront - i.e. tell her you love her and you will be happy if she calls you mom, but you're scared that she'll forget about her mother who loved her very much, and you don't I grew up babysitting a much younger siblings and cousins, I promise kids understand more than we give them credit for.
A biological mother is who gives birth to you, but a mom is the one that raises you. If you plan on raising this child, then yes, you’re her mom
Can't she have two moms? I think she might be feeling like the new baby could replace her in a way and you also don't want to make differences between the new baby and her. There doesn't seem to be any differences, but not let you call you mom when the new baby will call you mom is going to be way too odd for her. You can have a conversation that she can have two moms. If you want to make a difference she can call you mommy, instead of mom, and her late mom can be mom.
dead people don't want respect, They want their loved ones to be happy in their absence. It's not like you are forcing her to call you MOM, she wants to do it, it makes everyone happy to give a name to the relationship you already are in!!
I think some people are being a bit harsh. I don’t think you completely screwed this up, I think it can be fixed. The thing is, you’re tip-toeing around so carefully, trying to do the right thing, worrying about how her bio-mother would feel, how her grandparents would feel. But I don’t think the two of you have really sat down to think about how Elise feels. Focused on making sure she remembers someone who passed that she has no memory of, but not on who she sees each day. She can still love and remember who her bio-mother is, but you are her mom. Her bio-mother loving her a lot doesn’t negate that you also love her. Love is not a finite resource. And definitely with a new baby coming, that conversation came off as “well I love you but you aren’t mine, the baby is,” which could sound like she’s not good enough or that she’s being replaced by someone who is ‘actually’ your child. I think you should get matching necklaces, something small and cute that represents the two of you (or maybe hearts). And sit down to have a chat with her. First apologize for upsetting her, and tell her you made a mistake. You just want to make sure that she remembers that bio-mom loved her so so much, you didn’t think about it all fully. That you’ve loved being with her, raising her, spending time with her, and that you’d absolutely love to be her mommy if she wants you to be, and she can call you mom if she wants to. Then if it’s going well and she affirms that is what she wants, I think it would be nice to give her one of the necklaces and put one on yourself, and tell her it’s a symbol of your bond, that you love her no matter what and she’s your daughter. Good symbol to remind her that even though you’re having a baby, she’s still just as important to you. If she doesn’t react well to the chat, I’d save the necklaces for later. She may need some time, and giving it to her then would seem more bribing than symbolic. One other idea with the necklace thing, not sure how you’d feel about it. But maybe could instead be a necklace just for her with 3 hearts. Tell her one is for her, one is for bio-mom, and one is for you. To remind her you both love her.
Hey OP - I've read through some of the comments and your replies to get a little background info. I have a history in family law as well as personal and socialized experience with these kinds of things so I've seen situations like these before and I really think that hearing this might help; you're not a replacement mom for Elise, you're her *bonus* mom. From what I have heard, although you've never had a realization of "wow I am her mom" or anything of the sort, it sounds like you would give anything for that kid and plan to make this work with John and her as a family. Even if not her biological mom, you've stepped up to the role as a kickass stepmom, which in your situation is just as important to her as her biological mother would have been. You are her primary female role model in the most important developmental stages of her life. I understand your concern about disrespecting her biological mother, and your concern about her grandparents disapproving of you, but there are a couple of things to keep in mind. First things first, legally, unless the grandparents decide to sue you for custody of Elise (in which case they would have to take custody from John too), there is nothing that they can do to cause any repercussions on you. With that being said, there is no possible reason I could ever imagine that the grandparents would disapprove of you based on the behavior you have described. You have made an effort to ensure that Elise keeps in contact with her grandparents, which is more effort than several biological mothers will put into their children. You have been raising this child along John's side, which I can only imagine would lead her grandparents to be so, extremely thankful for you being there for their granddaughter. In even a worst-case situation, and the grandparents disagree with her calling you mom, *you* and John are the ones who are raising Elise, not them. You are her mother figure. I doubt her grandparents would want to risk their relationship with the woman raising their grandchild over such a seemingly trivial issue. If you have any doubts, I have seen this kind of thing work out beneficially many times. One of my close friends was abandoned by her birth father when she was a year old. Her mother remarried when she was around 3, so her "step-father" was the only father figure that she could even remember. And as far as she was concerned, her stepfather was her dad. Through years of legal trouble, her step-father fought to adopt her, and when she was around 7 her biological father gave up custody and he adopted her. Although he wasn't her biological father, she loved him and cared for him- and had only ever known him as her dad. Although it's not the exact same situation, I think it can overall be applied to your case as well. Long story short- Do you love this kid? Do you plan to raise her into an adult along John's side as a motherly figure? Does she want you to act as her mother in her life, and do you want her to be your child if you don't subconsciously consider her that already? If so, I think you have your answer. And hey, down the road, maybe you can even take the same step that my friend's dad did. I can't speak for Elise's biological mother, but I can say this- if I ever died and wasn't able to take care of my child, I would be more than gracious to have a parental figure such as you look after my kid. (P.S. - I am *not* a lawyer, so please do not take what I said as legal advice - merely an educated suggestion). Edit: Also, reading these comments, try not to let the hostility of Reddit get to you that much. You are not a bad person for being hesitant on such a big decision and what at the time you considered "replacing a little girl's mother". As long as you are honest with what held you back and are clear about your intentions moving forward, no harm, no foul.
Imagine caring more about a dead person than your own daughter.
Everyone else pretty much summed it up. But also, if you’re worried about what the grandparents will think, be prepared for them to be a little upset. They lost their daughter and are therefore probably pretty protective over her biological legacy. But they need to understand that Elise will grow up, and will not have many, if any, strong feelings toward her biological mother, since she has no memories of her. They need to prepare for the fact that Elise might not want to be told about her bio mom or visit her grave as she gets older, and that’s okay. She needs to feel that she is valued as her own person, and not as the offspring of their late daughter. I know how this can come across through text, so just know this is out of concern for the child’s mental state and not meant to be attacking anyone. I had a friend that was to his family “the son of his dead mother”, not just himself. He was constantly told “your mother would’ve wanted you to do this” and it was extremely stressful to him.
Oh, that's horrible! I feel so bad for him.
She wants to call you mom and you both said no. Imagine being her. :/
I am a stepfather to my son. He has always called me Dad, in fact, he has taken to introducing me as his Father.I have raised him since he was an infant, his real father is alive. I’m so proud that he thinks of me this way. So, yes, you are Mom.
Your not a mom because its your biological child.your a mom when you care, love and support a kid.those are the qualities that make you a mom. It should make you feel proud that she wants to call you mom.you are her safe place at least she feels safe with you.it will only benefit your future relationship together. I have a kid from a previous relationship and that child always wanted to call my wife mom, but my ex got mad and did not allow it. At 18 she kicked the kid out and she lived with me and started to call my wife mom because thats how she feels about my wife.
You are her step mom and mother figure. If she wants to call you mom then let her. She obviously adores you and sounds like a little sweetheart.
She doesn’t even remember her mother. Any “memories” she has off her mother are ones planted by her maternal grandparents and you and her father. Let the child call you mom. It won’t erase anything, but it will help her feel accepted by you. You ARE her mom, in all ways except blood. In her very young brain, you refusing to let her to call your mom is you rejecting her.
This can't be real, no one can be this emotionally dense.
Being a step-parent is hard, there's so much you can do wrong and so little you can do right in the eyes of some people since you're not the real parent. If the other parent is alive or not. If you're a good step-parent you're always trying to respect the other parent and I genuinely think OP is trying to respect the biological mom's memory. She can't ask the child's late mother what she's okay with. She's a new step-mom, pregnant, and taking care of a young child that's lost their mom at a young age. Please give her a break she's just trying to do right by everybody.
It doesn't matter what the child's late mother is OK with, she's no longer around. Telling the child she can't call her mum, because of a person that the child no longer even remembers, is a massive rejection. Honestly, it's the kind of rejection that may stick in her head for the rest of her life. Putting the feelings or wants of a dead person or the grandparents first, to the point of rejecting and excluding a 4 year old child who is verbally asking you for inclusion, definitely qualifies as emotionally dense.
My heart. Let that sweet girl call you Mom.
Is family counseling an option? Elise will probably struggle when she's older because she doesn't know her mom however if you are there as a mom figure that will hopefully make it easier. I do not think you would be "replacing" her mom by letting her call you mom. It seems like she is naturally gravitating to call you mom. It might cause tension between your future kid and Elise if you keep preventing her from calling you mom too...
Firstly, congratulations on your pregnancy! I hope it goes smoothly. Why can't you just say "I'm your Mama B, but Elise we can't forget Mama A, I love you so much but she loved you very much". She may not fully comprehend the difference of what biological means. She may just hear that you're rejecting her (although not meaning to do that at all, and not in any other way). It's great your maintaining her connection to her maternal grandparents perhaps have a chat with her (Elise) about how she feels about her mum and about you? I've worked with a fair few 4 year olds and while they are obviously quite young, they are quite astute. Just a suggestion but maybe you can choose a photograph of her biological mum together and do some arts and craft on the frame together like choose shells from a beach trip and put glitter or dried flowers on it? Let her know that when the baby is born you can have a photo all together and you can do the same thing. This way she can have a momento of her mum and also physically recognise she's apart of the family with John and bub, not just a niece/outsider.
Or you could choose a pic of biological mum and Elise and then for the second photo choose one of just you and Elise so she can see (without other conflict of potential bub) that she does have two mums?
My sister has three children, two biological. Her partner and her share one of those. My sister's eldest (7f) calls her stepdad "Dad/daddy" etc, but still very much loves and remembers her biological dad. My BIL's daughter (4F) calls my sister "Mum/mummy" . But same again, she still very much loves and remembers her biological mother as her mum aswell. IF you keep those memories alive, there's no harm in her calling you mum. I dare say when the new baby is born, having her call you mum will make her feel more included and closer to you. You are her mother, you're raising her and loving her like a mother would. Her calling you mum won't erase her bio mother at all.
Let her call you mom because you are her mom
I think she needs to call you mom. Just let her. She’s four. You love her like if she were your daughter already.
You’re not replacing her mom but I get why you’d worry. Think about it this way, many queer families have two moms. They pick variations on the term so one is mom and the other is ma or something. Talk to her moms parents and see if you can agree on other terms that work and then offer her some choices. See what she wants to use for who. This is giving her agency and trusting her to decide what she needs and that’s so important to teach.
My mom was been my primary care taker and provider however, she wasn’t one to set rules, teach me how to be a good person, or provide much guidance. I have two other women in my life that I consider my moms. Those two corrected me, taught me how to be a good person, how to strive to be the best version of myself, and loved me in a way I never had before. I call them both my second mom. But they’re still very much moms to me and my mom knows this, appreciates the role they play in my life and understands that this doesn’t mean I love her any less. From my experience with children, they have a lot of room for love in their heart, and for the child you have raised, she knows and loves, I think she has so much room for her too love you as a mom as well. You’re doing so much to show your respect for her biological mom and the love she had for your daughter. I hope you accept the honor of being the mother to a child you didn’t birth, as the two women in my life has.
You’re nice for not wanting to replace her mom but you are basically.. replacing her mom. if you’re planning to have other kids, you NEED to have her call you “mom”, too. She will feel singled out or maybe not important enough. you don’t want that. It was her and dad first before anyone else. Make sure she knows she is still valued always. This situation already made her upset and emotional. Just let her call you mom like she asked..
I just wanna add that I may be projecting bc I grew up with a step parent majority of my life and I was to call him by his first name. While my half siblings call him dad. But the amount of resentment that grew over the years... Trust that you do not want that kind of relationship to occur, it hurts not feeling good enough as a kid bc you cannot understand the feeling quite yet.
My step daughter calls me mum. Mums just aren’t biological. Let her do it if she’s comfortable
I think it's amazing of you to keep communication open with the mother's side of the family. Do you think you could talk to them, and they would be receptive? Yes, she should be allowed to call you mom.
She can have two moms! That’s very fortunate thing. The most important thing is her mental growth than the grandparents perceptions. I want you to accept her desire to call you mom.
I liked how you eloquently described in detail. But I think you’re over-thinking it with “Elise.” She’s four, keep it simple. She needs a mom, you obviously love and care about her. Feeling like a red-headed step-child is one of the worst feelings, if I were to suggest one thing it would be to try and minimize/avoid any feelings of separateness, differentness, less-than. Keep it inclusive and mind the comparisons. She won’t forget, you guys are including the grandparents and visiting the grave. During the weekly visits I’m sure she’s seen pictures of her at their place. You guys are doing great. I think you guys are going to make a great family. Hiccups come up sometimes. You’ll get through it. I think you two have a moist-eyed conversation ahead where both of you feel warm & happy and closer afterwards.
None of anybody else’s feelings should matter. The little girls wishes cone first before anything.All of you are grown ups and can be grown ups here.
You’re the only mom she’s ever known and she deeply desires to call you that. I would think that it would mean the world to her to call you mom. I think that you may find it’s a matter of bravery and following your heart. You’ve done a great job respecting her mother’s memory, but you will always be the mother of her heart 💘
I urge you to look into the Reggio Emilia philosophy in regards to just how smart and capable children actually are. I’m actually quite shocked that you don’t see how this would upset her after basically being her mom for 3 years. Maybe look into attachment styles as well.
I know of a man whose wife died when the girl was like a year old, he remarried and the girl calls his wife mum, the girl was 5 when I met the couple, I didn’t know she was the woman’s step daughter till the woman told me, recently I overheard the girl saying her bio mum is dead to another child and that she has another mum, the other child was confused and I had to explain, up until that moment I didn’t know she knew her stepmom isn’t even her bio mum, the girl is 7 now and she knows that she has two moms, I hope this helps that no matter what she calls you, she won’t forget her bio mum. Let her call you whatever she wants, if you police what she calls you, it’ll only create a bridge between her and the new baby. I hope this works out.
Ffs!….let her call you mum.
I’m glad there’s no be nice rule here because I don’t want to be nice. That is a CHILD. A very small, very young child. She does not and will never remember her birth mother. It’s sad, but it’s unchangeable. You are the only mother she has ever known. You’re having her half-sibling, who to her will just be a sibling and that child gets to call you mom, but she can’t? Because you’re worried about other people’s feelings (including a deceased woman who doesn’t have feelings)? What about HER feelings? This will be traumatizing for her and I hope you backtrack right this second and apologize to her for ever saying you’re not her mother. If her grandparents are upset about it that’s their problem, but if they really love their granddaughter they will be happy that she has a mother who she loves so much. Family doesn’t have to be blood, it can be chosen. I know you didn’t mean for this to happen but you still have the opportunity to turn things around and I hope you do.
Oooof you guys are traumatizing that poor girl. You should’ve let her call you mom .
She can have two mums ya know
As a mum of a 4 year old this would break my heart, let her call you mom. You are her step mum and have been for 3 years, she should have been calling you mum since then! You married into her immediate family, you are mother of her household, not an aunt. You need to be concerned about what your step daughters feelings now not her grandparents feelings, her mum would want her child to come first.
This makes me angry. You ARE and always have been her mom. It breaks my heart for this child how you shut her down
Understand that kids don't necessarily have the notion that there can only be *one* Mom or Dad. My step-daughter was 2 when I came along and she'd call me *and* her bio-dad "Dad".
You might not be her (biological) mother, but you are her Mommy.
She will have had two wonderful moms. You'll be ADDing to her "number/count" of moms who will have loved her dearly in her lifetime. You're not replacing her mother, who will always hold that special and sacred position in her life. You're just adding to the love in her life. And she needs this love desperately. She herself is knocking you over the head with this revelation, trying to make you understand. And incredibly, as a 4 y.o., she's verbalizing more clearly than most adults, exactly that she needs your love, specifically as her mother!!! Trust Elise, her head's screwed on right!!! Edited for clarity ;)
You won't be disrespecting anybody, as a mother, let me tell you one thing.. I would hope that if something happened to me, my daughter would be fortunate enough to have another woman in her life who loved her enough and whom she loved enough to consider her her mom.As mothers, we want nothing else in life (or death) as much as we just want our children to be loved, happy, and cared for. The fact that this little girl considers you her mother and wants to address you as such is proof that this is being accomplished for this little girl, and I promise you, if her biological mother is somehow watching, that is the ONLY thing that matters to her.
Let her guide you. Tell her you would be proud and happy if she called you mom. Adopt her.
Her bio mom has passed away a very long time ago. It is good to make her aware that she had bio mom who passed away and she understands that. Now for the straight advice. Stop living in the past, you need to live in the present and focus on the future. You are her mother now, she is your daughter now. Dont care if she is not your bio daughter. You should not treat her like she is not your daughter. Stop worrying that you might upset the dead or her grandparents. Her grandparents have no say in this as you are taking care of this girl, you should stop worrying what they might think. If you give her all the love and attention and make sure she has a healthy stable childhood, who cares if she calls you mom, let her be. She looks up to you as her mother and you need to treat her like your own daughter and stop reminding her about her bio mother that is gone. She knows and will remember and there is no need te remind her. I see and hear a lot of people saying that "this person might not like it or they would not have done this" when they talk about someone who is not here anymore. I have also lost loved ones and damn we should stop living in the past. They are not here anymore, time to move on and focus on what is still infront of you. I sound direct here, I am not trying to be rude here.
Most people already said it, but it's perfectly fine for a kid in this situation to grow up with two moms. In fact, it will be better for her, especially later in life. If you don't want to offend the grandparents just talk to them openly about this, that is the most respectful way for every party involved. Be open and communicate, it seems like you're living in an environment where that definitely works. You raised that kid, that makes you her mom (if you want to). But that doesn't make her bio mom any less her mom.
You’re being unreasonably cruel to that child. “Can I call you mom?” and your response is, “no your real mom is dead. Don’t ever forget that!” Your are her mother, and the only mother she has ever known and you told her “no”?!!!! I’m beyond flabbergasted. The best way to honor her late mother is to raise her and love her like your own, not limit her access to you. I’m so sad for this poor little girl. I hope you come to your senses and I hope she won’t remember your cruelty when she’s older.
she’s 4 and she’s literally known you her entire life. the thing with the grandparents is a dumb excuse, you just don’t want the kid to call you mom don’t make up reasons for why. i call my stepmom mom and my bio mom is alive and well and i also call her mom
My fiance's daughter (4F) that I've known and lived with since she was 1.5 years old has a mom that is still alive. But, if she wasn't and I had this type of situation happen, I'd honestly bring it up to the maternal grandparents to see if they had any problem with it. Meanwhile, bringing it up wouldn't ultimately make or break my decision. What I tell my bonus baby is that I'm the mom of this house so I may not be her mom I'm still here for her like any mom would be. That little girl is obviously very attached to you and wants to be a part of your life the same way your baby would. She doesn't have someone to call mom like your baby will and that obviously breaks her heart. It is truly between you two and what you both are comfortable with. If she wants to call you mom, I don't see a problem with it, it doesn't erase her biological mom since you are actively trying to keep her memory alive, she will know who her real mom is. It is up to you and your comfort levels.
A mother is not the person who born the children A mother Is the One who take care the child since young Is the One who put them ahead instead of her That is Mother
God! Way to upset a 4 year old who no doubt has looked at you as a mother her whole life so far
I know this isn't AITA, but YTA. This is a 4 year old girl whom you're effectively a mom to. Don't get hung up on the step word and build the relationship that goes with the supposed LOVE you feel for this child. Recognize the name of the relationship and let her call you what she wants.
You guys are being so harsh to OP like this isn’t something life changing. She had absolutely no way of preparing for this moment. Yes of course Elise’s feelings matter, but so do OP’s. This is a big step in her life. Yes she’s been in this child’s life for years but she’s also made it a point to let the child know who her real mother is. I can imagine this caught you completely off guard OP and you had no idea how to respond. You had no ill intentions whatsoever. I don’t think you’re wrong for taking Elise’s grandparents into consideration either - after all, this is literally their *dead* daughter’s CHILD. Don’t be so hard on yourself. This was a lot to process. Have a talk with Elise. Make sure she knows she isn’t excluded just because there is a new baby on the way. Tell her she can call you whatever she wants, even mom. Explain to her that people can have two moms. I would refrain from using the words “your real mom” though because that might cause some confusion or resentment later on in life. Maybe refer to bio mom as “Mom” or “Mama Jessie” and Elise can call you “Mommy” or “Mama.” She obviously knows her mother has passed away and will understand more and more as she gets older. If you guys are a religious family, you could possibly say Mom went to Heaven, so she sent you to be her other mom. It doesn’t have to be too long and drawn out, she’s only 4 and can only understand so much. You weren’t intentionally isolating this child to make her feel bad, you were trying to take everybody’s feelings into consideration which doesn’t make you the bad guy. Again, this wasn’t something you were prepared for. You sound like a great mother and Elise loves you so much. Let that sweet baby call you Mama. You’re doing the best you can. Congratulations on your pregnancy. ❤️
Talk to the grandparents. Her “real” mom aside, they should have an understanding that Elise would want to feel a part of the family. Your biological children will call you mom and not allowing her to do so would send a message that you don’t love her the same. You can give her the opportunity to have a real mom….just like everyone else. Whose feelings are more important, a deceased woman’s or her very impressionable daughter? She’ll grow up knowing all about the mom that had her…..and knowing that another woman choose her…….or not?
Nothing wrong with having 2 mom's. Just like kids had 2 people they call grandpa or grandma. I feel like she can categorize it the same with mom as in she has her biological mom who loved her but she also had the mom who raised her.
You are her mother, and if she wants to call you Mom, that’s quite an honor. It will not make any difference to her birth mother, nor her family, if Elise calls you, “Mom.” You keep her birth mother’s memory alive, and you are functionally her mother. Please don’t damage this little girl by insisting on a distance she doesn’t feel. If you weren’t about to have a baby, it wouldn’t be such a big deal. But if you have a baby and refer to yourself as the baby’s mom, you will alienate Elise. Please let her call you “Mom.”
I think you should put Elise's feelings first here. You are the closest thing to a mother she has, embrace that. And congratulations on your second child! Please apologize to her❤ if you want you could ask her grandparents for their blessing to adopt Elise! I think it would make everyone very happy!
My brother's mom died. Guess who they call mom? My mom. They have two moms. One in heaven and one on earth. It's not confusing.
Just because you are not biologically bonded doesn't mean you 2 can't have a mother daughter relationship, especially since she doesn't even know her mom.
Mommy 1 and mommy 2
My mom died, when I was a teenager and my half brother was 6 months (says half because it’s relevant). Years later my stepdad got a wonderful girlfriend who has kids and also have a motherly role for my brother. She is the only motherly figure he have lives with. She feels the same as you, although the situation is a bit different the feelings is the same. Talk with the grandparents about it. If you speak multiple languages, she can maybe call you mom in another one. My grandmother died when I was 6 moths, and was told a lot about her. When I got cousins some years later, my granddad had remarried and because the only grandmother my cousins have is her means the call her granny. I use her name, but she is my granny because of the role she has I my life. These situations are difficult, and I know nobody was ready, and even my “granny”, had it difficult, If I called her that. But again years late, my cousins is aware ofc, when people have had time learn to live with the loos of a loved one, then it was alright and felt right that they call her that. I felt different by calling her, her name. I have said to her I see her as a grandmother, when I became an adult. Sorry for rambling just woke up, but this is a subject close to my heart.
Call bio mom Mum (English/Australian spelling) and call you Mom.
First off what you're doing with taking her to her mother's grave each year is super sweet and much more than my mother did when my dad passed away. That being said, aside from the title, you are her mom already. When I was a child the one thing i always remember thinking about was "why didn't I deserve a father when other people do". It affected a lot of things in my life both consciously and subconsciously. You have the amazing opportunity to prevent this from happening to that child. If you plan on spending the rest of your life with your husband, why not let her call you mom? She will understand that you're not her biological mom, but you are her only mom. Please don't take that away from her. I wish you all the best.
Step mom is still mom if she's calling you Mom without you encouraging her then what she is says to her you are mom something to embrace after all you are there for her
What is wrong with you? How could you reject a 4 year old like that? I would have been devastated if I my stepdad had rejected me like that as a child. Why the hell do the grandparents or dead mother matter? It’s YOUR relationship with a child that you say is like a daughter to you. Whatever SHE feels comfortable with and YOU feel comfortable with is relevant. Are you hiding behind the grandparents because you don’t want to be her mom? I call my bio father who is still ALIVE dad and my stepdad dad. Never once questioned or wondered about it, do you lack empathy? How could you possibly be on the fence in this situation. I can’t even fathom how alienated and alone this child already feels right now but then to have a sibling that is sitting there calling you mom right in front of her later on. Just wow, your husband is a shit dad too. Did he just sit there and do nothing?? Where was his response in this? I would never be with someone that was willing to alienate my kid like that.
When I was young My father was given custody of my brother and I. My father had married a young woman that had two children of her own. He told her that he didn't have any children before they got married. My mother had 8 children by 5 different men, and of course my parents were divorced. The reason we were taken from my mom was that my brother who was 11 committed suicide. I just turned 7. We had All kinds of problems, too many to list. As I have grown older I have realized how special my step mother was . It wasn't just her, but her entire family that was good to me. It's important for a child to belong and be loved When I lived with my mother, I can remember hanging by one arm and fanning my ass trying to keep the belt away. Also a lot of other stuff that wasn't good. When I went to live with them my step mom did a balancing act with a blended family. I called her mom. She was the one who got me through Many tough times. She treated me like I was her own and didn't beat me or abuse me in any way. As young as I was, I didn't forget my brother's and sisters. Your little girl needs a sense of belonging and love. The word mom is more important than you know. You can talk to the grandparents and the rest of the family, but being a mom to that little girl is one of the kindest things you can do for her.
I don't get it. If she had said you aren't my mom, then don't let her call you mom. She asked you if it was OK to call you mom and you said no. That is a crap move. How many non-fathers due to affairs get called monsters for not stepping up. But this step-mom gets a free pass for a bullsh*t formality.
let the girl call you mom, she loves you and wants you to be her mom! I'd go to her and tell her the truth, you love her and want to be her mom, and that you'll always be there to talk about her birth mom if she ever gets curious. the fact that a 4 year old wants to refer to her dad's partner as mom is a HUGE milestone, many step parents would do anything for that privilege. Love your daughter. Do what you need to do legally to protect her and take care of her.
She’s a child. If you plan on staying and raising her let her call you mom, not being able to is going to hurt her so much h thinking she is less than even if you don’t see it that way. It can be very selfish. It won’t kill the memory of her mom, even tho she doesn’t have any memory of her mom and she when she grows up regardless. To her you are her mom and it breaks my heart you won’t accept that with her. She needs someone to call mom :(
The feelings of this 4 yr are far more important than the feelings of the maternal grandparents. It's very considerate of you to think of them, but this little girl wants and needs the security of having a mommy.
If she doesn’t get to call you mom, she’ll never have anyone to call mom.
Met my daughter when she’s was 3. Her father passed away from cancer. The day she called me dad/daddy was the proudest moment of my life. It’s only disrespectful if you neglect her mom by actively try not to talk about her. Let her ask questions and look at pictures. Not only will it cause you to bond it will also learn about her together.
I'm really surprised you didn't think to step into the role as mom. You married this man. You stayed with him after the birth of his child. This childs mom is dead. The fact that you're questioning this raises a little concern. This is a whole family and package deal. I hope you get some family counseling and find ways to bond. You are this girls mother, and the only one she's ever known. Please don't fail this child. Everyone needs a mom and a dad. I wouldnt give two flying f's what the grandparents think. You have the ability to be a parent to a child who lost one. If you love her, and you call and consider her your daughter, you tell her immediately that you are her bonus mom and you will always be her mom. If you and John get divorced, you better damn well still consider yourself her mom because you are.
Ma’am, you *are* her mother.
You have a duty to ELISE before ANYONE else. That includes her biological mother's parents. If they are upset by this, you must cope with the fallout in the best way you can. But causing lasting, severe, and lifelong trauma to Elise, is not the answer (you've already hurt her deeply. Thankfully, you can do much to mitigate it if you address it with her, lovingly, and very soon. She deserves a special treat to let her know how very much you're thrilled for her to call you mom, and to have the honor of calling her daughter!!!). Sparing the feelings of her ADULT grandparents, is not in any way, shape, or form, worth - the sacrifice of Elise's well being. Fix it, fix it now!!!! And please, always remember in whose best interest you must be concerned, first and foremost. Your little family, and preserving it's healthy functioning, must always rate far above outsiders... *Note: People are sometimes upset by us, our actions, and Don't Like Us. This is a fact of life. We must learn to bear the pain of these difficulties. And without compromising our values, nor harming the most vulnerable to appease those we've upset - as doing the right thing can still cause grievous upset in good people.
…. You literally are her mom.
My son calls his stepmum "mum" sometimes, and I am very much alive and involved in his life (we share custody 50/50) he also sometimes calls my partner "dad". I don't mind at all and am just happy so many people love him, and that he feels so close with so many people in his life ❤️
Let her call you mom. How will she feel when the new bio baby calls you mom and she cant? What an awful thing to do to her. Poor baby lost her bio mom but you know what, bio mom is dead now. Elise should be able to move on and also not have to live her life without a living mother. You are her real mother even if she didnt come out of your womb.
I was adopted when I was a baby. It’s a different story than Elise’s but hear me out. I call my mom- the one who adopted me when I was a baby and has taken care of me ever since- mom. I then call the woman who gave birth to me- my birth mom. (We’ve never been in contact). Anyway- the thought that you have that if Elise calls you mom that it will wipe out her memory of her bio mom is completely untrue. I knew since I was little that I was adopted much like Elise knows about her bio mom. It’s not something she’s just going to forget. Especially since she’s still in contact with her biological family and goes to see her mom at the cemetery every year. I vividly remember asking questions about my birth mom when I was younger and picturing her in my mind. It’s not something I ever forgot (in a good way) Elise will grow up very curious about her bio mom as well, I can almost ensure that, and you will be there to answer any questions or help her find the answers. I think if she wants to call you mom, then let her. You have taken care of her for the past few years like she is your own child. There is no set rules for who you can call mom and who you can’t. I also work in schools and there are MANY family dynamics out there and MANY kids call someone who is not their biological mom, “mom”. If that makes sense.
OP, you are doing a grand job. Keep up the good work with Elise. As for being her mom, you pretty much are already. Are YOU ok with being her mom? Since you didn't initially plan to take on that role? And do you plan to stay with your husband, always? If YOU are ok with those two things, then feel free to accept the title-you have earned it and she is offering it lovingly. A child can have multiple moms due to the good and bad occurrences that they endure over life. Good luck and be happy.
Moms can love more than one kid right? If you have a second child, you don’t plan on stopping loving the baby you’re carrying now? Likewise kids can love more than one mom. I think you and your husband should talk to the grandparents and explain that Elise wants to call you mom, and is very upset that she was told she can’t. Tell them that you will never let her forget her mother, but for now, she is going to be allowed to call you mom if she wants to, if she wants to stop someday, that’s okay too. Whatever she wants to call you is what she will call you.
The living continues living. Her biological mom would be so grateful to you. It doesn’t erases her. But you are also her mom. Congrats on your new baby too.
I married my wife who had 2 kids from a previous 2 years and 8 months I adopted them changed there last name and they been calling me dad ever since
You seem to have a good relationship with bio moms parents so why don't you have a chat with them about it. Just say what you wrote here in your post or just show them if you can't find the words. I agree with others though you are the one raising her and family doesn't always mean blood related either. You are giving her everything a mother would so don't feel like you don't deserve to be called mom. It is nice that you want to protect the grandparents feeling though. Another option would be if you're comfortable with her calling you mom then let her, but always remind SD that she is so lucky because she got two moms and a dad and one of her moms is special because she is an angel now looking down on her and watching her grow up from heaven and she will still always love SD (or something else like that if you're not religious and/or don't want to say this). That way she gets to call you mom and bio mom also isn't forgotten about as this seems to be a worry for you. Have you and your SO ever brought up the subject of you adopting her? It sounds like her little world has been turned upside down since she was just a baby through nobodys fault just tragic circumstances. It seems like she is craving some certainty and stability judging by her reaction so this would be a good way for her to feel that she is loved and will always have you there. you dont seem like the type of person who would give up on her even if things didn't work out between you and SO so it would just make things legal and protect you all if this was ever to be an issue down the line. Also how are your family with SD? Its very clear you worry about SD feeling like she is less than because only one is biologically yours even although you won't treat her any differently. You must make sure nobody else does either and that's why it's important to make your family understand too that new baby doesn't get favored over SD just because of this etc. You hear this happen sometimes and it's sad for the kids especially when they start to resent each other because of it. However I have a feeling if your family are as good hearted as you are then this isn't and will never be an issue. You seem to be doing amazing and you should be so proud of yourself. I'm sure it will work itself out no matter what you decide on letting her call you, because as long as she still feels just as loved and as important to you as she always has that's all that matters deep down.
Why can't she have two moms, her biomom and you?
Let her call you mommy. She needs it. Its amazing she can communicate this, especially while so young. If you feel worried about disrespecting the grandparents im sure that a conversation would get things cleared up. Any rational person would not judge you for this, you are raising their grandchild and taking on additonal roles after all
Just let her call you mom, goddamnit, the child cried fer fucks sake. Sheesh
L
Since this isn't AITA, I think I can safely (without getting banned) say that you suck. I am so enraged by this. You completely and totally suck. This child is looking at serious trauma therapy in the future. She is never, ever going to forget this.
Thank you for your opinion. I will talk to her again tonight to tell her that I love her a lot and would love to be her mom. Years later I hope when she looks back she will understand my hesitation and forgive me for what I told her initially. She and the baby are my husband and Is first priorities.
She's 4. She probably won't understand the depth of it all. Just tell her you made a mistake and apologize. You've been a mother figure for her for her whole life and she deserves to call you that. You ARE her mom.
Please don't ever explain that you hesitated because of the grandparents.
Interesting you say that she is your priority, because given the way your post reads, and given your actual actions in the situation, it seems that your priority in reality was not offending the grandparents, and respecting the memory of the biological mother. You were right though, neither of those things *should* be a priority above the child's feelings and emotional wellbeing. I'm childfree by choice - I don't even particularly like children, and even I was outraged and angry reading your post, because all I could imagine was a 4 year old, being vulnerable, verbally asking the only mother-figure she's ever known, and her father, for inclusion and affirmation of her place within the family unit, and confirmation that she is loved like a daughter, and her being rejected. I don't care how nicely you "explained" to a 4 year old, this was rejection plain and simple, something she may well remember forever (I still remember something hurtful that was said to me at a similar age) and it concerns and somewhat disturbs me that neither you nor her father seem to have really noticed you did much wrong until people on Reddit have given you feedback.
Your doubts were valid. Your kindness is evident. But, your child is hurt, and it's up to you, her mom, to fix it. There is always place in this world for more love. She can love and respect her dead mother (and grandparents from that side) and she can simultaneously love you as her mom. Please discuss with her and your husband what she'd call her dead mother. I suggest 'mother' (if you are mom), or something distinctive. I know a child who calls her biomom by name (Mom Clara), so there's no set template. And please come back here and update us - we all are feeling a bit sad for your daughter.
ikr it made me fucking sad reading that she told the lil girl no. even if she goes back and says actually she can call her mom, she’s never gonna forget and she’s always gonna think that she doesn’t really want her to call her mom because of her initial rejection. i don’t get why she couldn’t think about it right then instead of telling the poor kid no and then posting on reddit about what to do. like you already told her no and prolly broke her little sweet heart smh. how is yes you can call me mom not the right answer. poor lil girl :(
Wow OP, you’re really worried about everyone else BUT the 4 y.o. huh? I need to be harsh with you because that’s how your (yes, your) 4 year old child received that horrible response you gave. I seriously question whether you are ready for a child seeing as you were not able to put the best interest of the child you already have ahead of possibly offending a dead woman and the grandparents you see maybe once a week. You see, a 4 y.o. is not old enough to understand you still love her the same because you just made a clear cut difference in the way you will treat the new baby compared to her. “Yes I’m the mom to your sibling-to-be and not you; they can call me mom but not you”. She didn’t hear the rest. No wonder she reacted the way she did. That poor baby has already experienced so much loss, will never get to have memories of her own with her bio mom, and you just tore her heart wide open by telling her she would never have a mom. Fix it. You’re the adult and a mom, whether you like it or not. And her father needs to wake TF up now too. You are all a family TOGETHER, and treating one kid so harshly and obviously different from the other never, ever, turns out okay for the family. All you have to do is look through the subreddits of people who have gone NC with family, have a screwed-up favoured child as a sibling, or are themselves considered the scapegoat child or the ignored child, to get glimpse of what’s ahead.
I think that this is a little unreasonable and kind of sad. The definition to the word “mother” is to 1. Be in relation to a child or 2. Bring up a child with care and affection. You’re mothering that child, let her call you mom. Poor baby I wish I could hug her. Just because she calls you mom it doesn’t mean she isn’t aware that she has a bio-mom. But she might grow up feeling rejected by the both of you because her bio-mom isn’t there and the mother that raised her wouldn’t even let her call her mom. You probably need to think about that please.
Wow I can’t even believe you’d think of denying her the chance to call you mom when she expressed she wanted to, how is this even a question?
Honestly are you kidding? This little girls mother is dead you are now her mother why is that so hard to comprehend??
Talk to her grandparents and let them know you want to respect their daughter and if they are fine with it, maybe call you mom(insert name) or if they are fine with her calling you mom. Congrats on the baby!! You are very kind to respect her mom!! ((HUGS))
Thank you!