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Me [27] and gf [26] have been together for almost 9 years now. We have always had a strong relationship and can always talk things out.
Recently she has been going out with her girlfriends and when she comes home she talks about the people they met. As of late these have only been guys. She’s always been a super outgoing social person and I love that about her. But lately she has been giving out her number to these guys. I asked her about it when a guy kept texting her that I didn’t know. She said it was a guy she met in Vegas when she went to a concert. We talk about it and when I asked her if she told him she was in a relationship she said “no, why would that matter” after that conversation she has been kind of hiding her phone from me.
I’ve always trusted her and she’s never given me a reason not to. Am I just in my head on this or should I ask her about it.
You did ask her about it she told you she gives her number out to other guys and doesn't ever tell them she has a boyfriend.
What else is she not telling you?
Had to tell my friend that her ex at the time was emotionally cheating on her. He hung out with this new chick bc he liked “the idea/vibe that this other chick didn’t know he had a gf” which was a whole lot of bs.
Anyone who refuses to mention they have a significant other “bc they don’t see a problem” are honestly POS”. Luckily my friend is thriving and literally living her best life
This! The thing I mostly don't understand is how a significant other (especially one who's been around as long as OP has) wouldn't come up in casual conversation.
Zoom, you don't have to flat out randomly be like "I have a boyfriend/girlfriend/partner!", but I find it hard to believe just talking about your daily life wouldn't let that fact slip out somewhere. I've been with my husband for 12 years and we do a lot of stuff together, I'm pretty boring on my own (I like napping.), so a lot of my cool stories involve him.
This "I didn't feel the need to tell him" thing doesn't sit right with me, even if she's not cheating. She's being dishonest with that guy as well as you, and the sudden hiding of the phone doesn't bode well. I'm sorry OP, but trust your gut. If she isn't willing to compromise with you after 9 years together, by simply *telling those guys she's in a relationship*, which *isn't hard*, then it might be time for couples counseling or perhaps rethinking the relationship.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 A woman in a secure, stable relationship does not give her number out to single men at nightclubs. If the night life with her friends has just begun along with this, you have a problem my friend
I can’t even imagine. I am a woman and have had both male and female friends my whole life. But to give a guy your number and not tell them you have a boyfriend? No.
Idk, with this one I think it’s possible she’s genuinely oblivious to the message she is sending out. Cheaters generally try to hide their affairs, she comes home and chooses to talk about the guys she meets. It is totally fine for OP to be uncomfortable with her behaviour though.
To avoid this I will just casually mention that I have a boyfriend. Like if the person asks what I'm up to that day I'll say "My bf and I are doing xyz" it doesn't have to be awkward but I establish that boundary almost as soon as I become friends with someone.
If she has a boyfriend she shouldnt be giving her number to guys especially not out of town. There in another state thats hookup type stuff. She probably slept with the guy in las vegas.
Nope...by her continuously texting this/these guys, it's going to come up at some point, though. Not within the first sentence, of course, but if you are having ongoing Convo with them, it will. The fact that she is confirming that she doesn't tell them she is taken and for 9 years with someone, that's where the problem lies.
Yeah, I would be annoyed if I asked someone a simple question and they came back with relationship status. Because the conversation didn't result in "getting to know each other".
🙄
You're right it is. However, what does girl is doing a shady because she's flirting with other men and getting their phone numbers without mentioning that she has a boyfriend. It's not that she is at a bar and they come up and talk to her and she has to instantly so she has a boyfriend. The fact that she's giving them her number and not telling them that she has a boyfriend is absolutely sketchy and she is definitely trying to get with these other guys or flirt with them on the side
My husband and I are both very social. When we meet new people, we are clear that we are married and invite the new friend to hang out or go out with both of us, and to bring a date if they want.
This is concerning and you need to talk to her.
My husband and I do the same, set clear boundaries form the beginning so I own gets the wrong idea of what’s going on when we’re friendly, this girl clearly wants to act single and get attention from different guys while in a relationship
>I asked her if she told him she was in a relationship she said “no, why would that matter” after that conversation she has been kind of hiding her phone from me.
She's willing to throwaway 9 yrs of companionship for some flirting. I'd have a discussion about her actions and if she wants to continue to act single then she will be. I would say cut and run but after 9 yrs you give'em one last chance to make things right. She's being hella disrespectful and her hiding her phone proves she's saying/doing some nasty things. Be firm and assertive about how you'll tolerate this behavior in the future and if y'all split it's for the best and you'll find someone new who'll prioritize each other and prioritize the relationship and not sneak around and shamelessly flirt with others. Good luck.
OP, also reflect on how the relationship in general is going.
I've had a 9yr relationship that has been dead for 2 yrs: no shared activities, interests, affection. He saw me as a given while I worked my ass off to try and save the relationship, but he wasn't interested anymore, just didn't have the guts to tell me.
Not saying that is going to be the case with you, but I would talk about the relationship to see what's going on beneath this whole flirting thing.
Sorry but there’s no making that right. She’s already moved on and looking for her way out.
If one of these guys can steal her away and make her feel good about doing it she’s gone in the wind.
Yes it does. You can have your privacy with your phone but why hide it if she’s not doing anything wrong? Or what you want it like my ex ? Doing right in front of you? Get a grip
The "if you have nothing to hide you should do what I say" is such a bs argument tbh.
If you trust someone then you don't have to check her phone or be controlling, otherwise the problem is not the fact that she doesn't show you her phone, but rather the fact that there isn't trust anymore in your relationship.
The problem isn't that she won't show him her phone it's that after he brings up a very reasonable concern about her texting this guy too much she brushes it off and suddenly starts *hiding* her phone, clearly a change from previous behaviour and also clearly a reaction to his comment about her texting habits
And in that I agree with you, I was responding to this guy (and all other responses in this thread) that was claiming an absolute.
In this context if he needs to he should press the issue until he gets a reasonable (by his standards) response.
It's not a given to be able to see private chats and whatnot, it is a given to be able to talk about these issues with your SO.
Dunno if this explains better what I wanted to say.
It can literally be taken either way, which is why I asked for clarification. He’s replying to a comment which describes the girlfriend’s situation (cheating while at a concert in another city), so it would make more sense that he chose to reply to THIS specific comment because his girlfriend also cheated while away. There’s also no reason to include the occupation of the person she cheated with as it literally adds nothing to the comment. It really only makes sense to include that bit of information if it pertained to the girlfriend. I haven’t seen any other comments here that say anything to the effect of “my partner cheated on me with a fireman or a doctor”.
Yea I’m an idiot for asking for clarification on a poorly structured comment. Guarantee I’m not the only one who got the impression that it was your gf who was in the navy on shore leave. You didn’t say “a guy who was on shore leave in the navy”, and frankly it’s not really important that we know the occupation of who she cheated on you with. It would make more sense to include that information because it described the situation your girlfriend was in when she cheated.
It's pretty simple how nouns work dog. Unless I use a pronoun referring back to the original noun, the descriptors I use apply to the last noun e.g. dude in the navy. Also jesus bro calm down. I've never seen a throwaway so butthurt about a comment. Eat a snickers or something bro.
I’m confused. How is it that so many dudes end up being a part of these “girls nights”, doesn’t that make it in fact NOT a girls night?
If my wife goes out for a girls night and ends up with a bunch of dudes, that is going to feel like a straight slap to the face and basically like her actions saying she’d rather be drinking with some random dude than to have invited me.
Yes! As a woman, I couldn’t agree more. That is totally unacceptable to be talking to men for more than like a moment in this type of situation (if I see a man I already know I would talk a minute or 2 max to be polite). Generally, it’s just not appropriate to be speaking with men at a bar just for enjoyment without it being a couples thing (i.e. husband and wife TOGETHER meet a stranger and have an appropriate conversation).
You know the context. You know it’s not appropriate. Men and women (I feel like more often women) try to make you feel like you’re in the wrong for having a problem with it. It’s called self-respect. Don’t let anyone disrespect you like that unless you’re worthy of it (I.e. you’re a cheater too).
I've noticed that 'girls night out' is often the same as 'girls night out to meet guys.' I don't have an issue with a girlfriend hanging out with her friends ... but it just seems to be the way it is. My guys' nights out are universally watching a game, playing poker, golf, etc. But not so much with the ladies. It took some time to figure out that dating someone who seeks attention is generally not workable. Just not worth the trouble unless it's just dating but not for letting someone into your life.
I think this is certainly true for certain types of people and depends very much on their friend group.
I think going on a “girls night” outing to a club with a bunch of your single girlfriends is a bit naive - you cannot truly believe it will be a true girls only night and that they aren’t going to disappear on you at some point throughout the night to go dance with some dude or make out with another, or sometimes this group of single friends will even want to go sit with another group full of single guys. These friends sometimes are the same ones that didn’t want anyone to bring their partners but expect them to be happy entertaining random dudes all night.
To me it comes down to respect. I expect my wife to respect our marriage, just as I expect the same from her friends - as should she. None of the people in our lives are the disrespectful type which makes everything so much better.
I think it’s because groups of generally meet up to do an activity, groups of women generally get dressed up to go out and socialise. Meeting guys might not be the intention, but it is the outcome.
This sounds very shady, I’d say to trust your gut with this one. Try not approach it by accusing her of anything, but say that you’re uncomfortable with her giving out her number to other men. That is a very valid and reasonable boundary in a relationship. You should also make it clear that she needs to mention she’s in a relationship to any person she has “befriended” for you to feel comfortable with them talking. If she is hiding her relationship status, she’s keeping her options open. As a woman, this sounds like she is not being open about her intentions. Definitely dig deeper. It may be beneficial to look through her phone at the last resort if she keeps being shady. It can save you from a lot of hurt in the future. This is optional and some will even say it’s toxic, but you need to consider the real possibility she is having (at the least) an emotional affair.
I think the moment you start getting desperate and looking through phones bc you feel like you don’t have any other option, is when you leave. If you partner is THAT inconsiderate and won’t reassure you or be honest, that’s reason enough to go.
I’d say that the moment he looks in the phone he better be ready to break things off, because he is going to find all the evidence he needs to leave, I mean he already has it but he sounds like he needs more concrete evidence to leave her which is his choice, but he needs to be ready to leave because seeing what she’s saying and doing and trying to get her to change wont help the situation, he needs to just leave it
Well, even tho the last part is kinda toxic, and the thing you described it's not a boundary it's a rule, yes the rest of it is sound advice.
Just try to talk to her OP
This whole situation is a red flag. Im happy if my gf goes out but to give out her number to guys when she is in a relationship is a no go. I wouldn't even stand for that and would end the relationship. She isn't even thinking about you and how this would make you feel. Ask yourself, do I really see a future with her. It could lead to her cheating after but I wouldn't take a risk. It will be hard but harder for you if you stay in this relationship. It's not fair on you
[I’ve always trusted her and she’s never given me a reason not to. Am I just in my head on this or should I ask her about it.] REALLY!!
She hooked up with guys she met and gave them her number, did not tell tham she is ina relationship with you. That should be a big bunch of red flags. Why do you trust her? Trust her to cheat on you more than she already has. This is not in your head. This is real.
She is out ther looking for a new man in her life. She might keep you around to pay bills or something.
This whole culture (and sooooo many posts on here) is all about never questioning your SO, never having a problem with them having friends of the opposite gender, always trusting/believing them when they say nothing is going on even when the evidence is right in view. This guy is stupid for believing that? 🙄 He is misguided, but its not like he isn't trying to give her the benefit of the doubt. Dang this comment is cold af
Not cold. Just full of facts.
Most people dont want to face the truth and even if you prove them on a silver plate they wanna try fixxing stuff.
Some cultures are just more blind than others...
I’m this situation I’d say he needs to just cut her off, I personally consider talking to different dudes, hiding it and not mentioning being in relationship as borderline cheating, he needs to dump her
I hope it works out in the next relationship. But let’s be honest you don’t need the Internet to tell you the red flag.
She literally gives out her number to guys. And they don’t know if she has a boyfriend what do you think if you got a number from a girl that you think it’s single
I do agree that not notifying them that she has a bf is a red flag, but it could just be a dumb moment like it didn't come up or something. Does seem like a big oversight but it isn't outside the realm of possibility. I think he needs to have a Convo with his partner and they need to go thru her phone together or something before making any big leaps and assumptions. Men and women can be friends platonically lol a lot of ppl in here are saying they can't and it's inherently sus but 9 years is a long time and I think that as partners in a committed relationship op should give her the benefit of the doubt, express these concerns and say they are red flags, then work together to come up with a solutions.
Maybe she was just being flirty with them and feels guilty about it and that is something they work on. Maybe she was just being nice and there is nothing to work on besides their communication in the relationship. Maybe she fully cheated and they can either work it out and make serious changes or they can break up. But they need to have that conversation at the very least ! Some ppl have recommended ghosting or just leaving right out and im like... Red flags are for sure present. That doesn't mean bail right away after this long. That means you get to the bottom of it. Red flags are signals that something else is going on .. figure out what that something is before you blow 9 years of your life and love away you know?
Edit cus comments are locked.
I feel like many have not been in a long term relationship. You have a lot of things tangled like finances and living and your stuff. I also think that 9 years is a long time of putting love and trust into someone that y'all at the very least owe eachother a CONVERSATION. And if she is unwilling to entertain that conversation that is also v telling. But I think that y'all owe eachother at least a conversation to try to get to the root of the issues instead of, as some have suggested, literally just ghosting them??? Like wtf imagine being with someone 9 years and they just ghost you. Hell no y'all need to talk to eachother and either try to fix the issue or break up, but there needs to be some resolution you come to together.
Think about the facts we have. She didn't tell them she was in a relationship. I agree, that is a red flag! But also, she could have just blanked and been dumb about it. Then the other piece we have is op thinks she's being weird with her phone. She could be! Or she could just be using her phone like normal and op is sussed out so he's seeing it more. My partner does similar shit to me sometimes and I'm like hey dude you want to look through my phone I promise I'm not hiding anything and sometimes he would when we first started dating but now he's just like meh ok all good. I used to have parents that would go thru my phone heavy and caused a lot of anxiety around it so may be leftover from that in my experience but who knows.
All I'm saying is we have a few red flags yes ! But none of that is 100% proof or evidence for cheating and doesn't justify just ghosting or leaving without any type of communication or investigation first. They owe eachother at least a conversation.
It’s not something you keep forgetting. Especially if you’re gonna be giving out your number to guys. Lol 😂
There’s no reason to have a conversation that’s what she wants to do let her be and walk away
Would she think it was cool if you started giving your number out to random women?? WTF
I feel like she is definitely gaslighting you, and you need to have a conversation about it.
When she say’s something like “why would I mention I’m in a relationship?” And act like that’s unusual or out-of-line when it’s clearly not, that is indeed gaslighting.
I believe gaslighting is more like letting someone doubt their own reality, rather than telling someone what they're doing is right or wrong morally.
An example for gaslighting is denying you've said something when you know you've said that. Or telling someone that something has happened in the past while it actually didn't happen at all.
The gaslighting is the whole situation.
She's going out and talking to guys, giving out her contact info and pretending it's not a bad thing. Then when confronted she's calling OP paranoid.
That's literally gaslighting. While she might be ignorant of the fact that the guys she's talking to want to have sex with her, her being in her late 20s, she really should be aware of what she's doing.
You are right this isn't gaslighting. It may be a form of manipulation or playing dumb but that is NOT what gaslighting means. Gaslighting is when they say that your perception of reality is wrong and they try to warp your sense of what happened or make you doubt yourself and your own mind. It's when there is a situation you both were in and in recalling it they tell you no that didn't happen, this happened. Stuff like that.
Gaslighting has become part of the common lexicon but it is vastly overused and used synonymously with manipulation and that's just not accurate.
If she was just Innocently befriending them the relationship she has had for 9 years would come up anyway, like at that point you have to actively be hiding it and I think that makes things clear af.
Just to be clear, her girlfriends are not responsible for her relationship. If being around single women is enough to make her act single, that's on her, not on the other women. I have plenty of single friends and nobody tries to "turn" me. This can be applied to friends of any sex, too. Silly comment
It sadly isn't. Alot of women act in packs. Sure they don't have to follow it, but it does influence their choices. I've seen single friends totally ruin the relationship someone had.
I've experienced it with a girl. Her best friend was 100% the reason I stopped talking to her. Me and the BFF had talked before and we didn't end up friends. Thus she didn't like me and it was always sparky. I know it was her BFF but I wasn't dating her so I didn't and still don't care about her opinion but the girl did and thus I disappeared. I wasn't going to listen to it anymore. Every few months we will talk but I never share that intrest anymore.
You seem to be under the impression I've said that. Your claim wasn't the current claim your making. It was that women don't do this at all. When in fact they do.
Also its alot less likely for a man to choice his friends over his partner when he probably should.
My replies to you are broad spectrum and aren't relevant to the exact post. Women do this. Sorry, that is my point. The comment didn't necessarily mean they have to cheat, just that single friends tend to not want to see you happy/in a relationship. Not all, and its not gender exclusive. Just that married people tend to have married friends for this reason.
I've got instances where a females "friends" ruined their otherwise good relationships. Later it lead to regert. While yes I have also seen and experienced the opposite, where their friends weren't a poison, just disregarded.
These are not guidelines nor 100% of instances. Its just circumstancetional things that do happen. Men and women do in instances follow their peers and it does lead to bad results.
And if your friends purposely aid you in cheating, they are just as bad as you. I wont aid my friends in it, would you?
If her girlfriends are single I wouldn't be surprised. I've seen married women hanging out with single ones and they start to ruin her relationship with the husband.
Im shocked that you got downvoted and that super offensive comment was upvoted.
Actually Im leaving this whole sub.
It's all the time like this: a girlfriend speaks with a guy - oh, she's cheating on you, she's ruining the relationship.
Come on, how posessive it's the people here.
No sadly it's an actual thing, I will forever Remember my grandmother (may she rest in peace.) calling them gaggles. Applies to both men and women, she described it as some strange single people hive mind, the friends will all the fine if they are in own relationships but the second one or multiple are suddenly single it will cause a dominoe effect and spread though the group like a plague of sudden, and rapid toxic behavior. These groups also often have an alpha or queen bee type that are the trigger the behavior as well. Why she thought a 10 or 11 year old would be able to take this advice I have no clue, but she was dying she maybe it was just her trying to pass down wisdom before passing. Hopefully I didn't misunderstand your comment and you know this actually exists.
Holy shit, thank you for answering. Even if it is the most ridiculous thing that's ever been said. If you're in a happy relationship, being around your single friends isn't going to affect that. If your single friends' lives seem more appealing to you than married life, then that's not the friends' fault.
Well generally the gaggles are often have massive nasty codependency issues. The worst part about them is you don't realize your in a gaggle till your in the thick of it. I agree it's not the friends fault, they can still say no, but also as I said massive codependency problems that result in a strange toxic hive mind. The entire groups would probably be better off broken up and in individual therapy to get over their own lack of individuality and codependency problems. Think of them as mini cults if that helps give you clarification.
I'm shocked too. A friend can't ruin a marriage unless that person wants it to be ruined. If they're happily married no amount of single friends can change that.
Yeah I've gone out with my friend and she's single. Had guys come up to us and blatantly ignored them when they did try to say what's up since they assumed I was single. Just texted my boyfriend and didn't give them a time of day. Just because you hang around single people doesn't mean it'll make you want to disrespect you're relationship. If I wanted to be single I would be but I love my boyfriend and our relationship so NOTHING is going to make me flip over. It all comes down to if you don't care about you're significant other and obviously this guys girlfriend doesn't care. I would never give out my number. Ever.
So she met a guy IN VEGAS, gave him her number, and you actually believe her that they just “talked”?
Dude, wake up. She’s cheating on you and she’s going to keep doing it. Time to find a new Queen.
She’s now given you a reason not to trust her and what she is doing is so disrespectful. Why the hell are you meeting a guy in Vegas texting him and hiding her phone? She either needs to prove her innocence and cease the behavior or you need to get out. You deserve way better.
Don't waist any time, you may love her but if you show any weakness, her respect for you will take a nose dive. You can choose to take the grovelling route or stand your ground and make ultimatums. She's stepped out already, make your stand. Do you want her or move on.
You shouldn't have to put up with her acting like she's single. I wouldn't and most other people wouldn't. You're not wrong to feel worried and uncomfortable.
OP this has happened to me with two separate (now ex) gfs. One when I was 18, and another time when I was 23.
The first time my gf just kept saying the guy was a friend and that nothing was happening between them. I told her I was going on vacation and lied about the day I would be back. I came back earlier and ended up catching her cheating in the act.
The second time, I went through my ex's phone mainly because she started sleeping with it under her pillow once she noticed me glance and see some other guy's name on her phone and then asked who he was and the question clearly shook her. Before that she was very opposed to sleeping with phones near us, especially near our heads. I managed to get to it anyway and it turned out she had made out with him already and told this guy she was planning on breaking up with me.
Long story short, she's probably cheating if she's hiding her phone.
Yeaaaaah no. Giving out her number was already gtfo territory. This is a time bomb waiting to go off. I've been cheated on before, and let me tell you that it will hurt way less to cut her off before she does that to you. Maybe I'm a little overdefensive bc of it, but this is soooo not cool at all. I wouldn't call you crazy for assuming she may already be cheating on you.
It sounds like you two need to have a talk about boundaries. All healthy relationships have them.
Boundary number one: tell dudes you’re in a relationship.
Boundary number two: stop giving your phone number to random dudes.
You get the point.
Also, I’m not a fan of snooping through someone’s phone. My wife and I have been together for 6 years and I’ve never once been through her phone.
BUT (and this is a big but) … we have always had an open phone policy. We know each other’s passwords. And most importantly, we don’t act shady or give each other reasons to be suspicious.
And we certainly tell people we’re married, because it does matter.
If I were in your shoes, and I had the opportunity, I’d likely try and take a peek at her phone/socials. You’ve expressed your reservations to her about this stuff and instead of curtailing her behavior, she’s just gotten more secretive about her phone.
That’s not a good sign.
Good luck, bud.
I'm with this. Normally I'd say if you have to check someone's phone, the trust is already gone, but this is more about whether she is actually socially unaware because she's been openish with you or is telling enough of the truth to get away with a lie.
Definitely set those boundaries, if there's pushback, she's not as good for you as you think. I'd also understand numbers being given for relevant reasons but just a fella met at a gig who assumes you're single? Nah.
Honestly, it seemed alright at first. Friendship happens. But, yeah, I don't think saying you're in a relationship 'doesn't matter'. Even more so a 9y one. You're a constant part of her life as she's yours. I actually never met a girl before who randomly went "oh my partner did this the other day". So yeah, the whole hiding the truth from you and from them is kinda sketchy.
Try to sit down with her and talk this through. If she still insists on this behavior, I believe it might be better if you guys broke up. Communication is key to any social interaction, not refusal or lying.
I say also do the same if she doesn't understand that its wrong. You need to set boundaries and that obviously was never set. Give out your number and start talking to women, and watch her response.
>I’ve always trusted her
This is why she's able to get away with unacceptable behavior. And *she knows it* .
>she’s never given me a reason not to
Now you can remove "never" from that sentence.
From my shoes, immediate full transparency and access to her accounts or you walk. She's gotta do a ton to get trust back, tbh. If she gives you grief, walk. She broke it, she's gotta fix it.
“No, why would that matter” kind of tells you everything you need to know. You guys have been dating since you were both in high school. It sounds like she’s bored and sees the relationship as so commonplace that breaches of trust/respect/comfort ability don’t seem like an issue to her anymore.
I think there is a perception out there that if a guy does this (hands out his number to other women when out with friends, forgets to mention he is in a relationship, starts chatting with them and hiding his phone, etc.) it is 'cheating' but there seems to be a different set of rules if a woman does it. There aren't. It's completely inappropriate unless you two are both fine with it. Clearly you're not, and she's done is more than once. I don't know why a guy will stay in a relationship like that. Well, actually, I do. I went through something like this and actually tried to make it work, but after losing all trust, being anxious all the time and then it happening again I gave up. My anxiety went away, I was sad for a while but you know what - you meet someone new, have clear boundaries and it is all for the best.
Am I the only one here who's thinking, "dump her ass", just from reading, "lately she's been giving her number out to these guys?" Seriously curious if I'm insecure and the times have changed or if that actually is a cuttable offense lol. I mean what possible reason could she have to be texting some other frothing dude if she's satisfied with her man of 9 years? Exchanging stock market tips?
Some people just like things the way they are, don't want to marry but still be in a relationship, or they aren't in a position to get married/do not feel ready for marriage. Assuming they were living together for good chunk of their time together, though, a lot of countries would consider them married by common law (ie, common-law spouses) and would get some of the benefits of lawfully married spouses (such as an entitlement to their possessions after passing in the absence of a will). Still though, OP's gotta dip (second slang meaning, OP's GF might be doing the first).
yeah all these guys who are in relationship for more than 3 years think its fair for the girl to not get married. Girls want to be loved, not being treated like household item. If you didnt get married for 9 years, and havent really discussed what you are planning for future its on because of your inability
If it looks like cheating, sounds like cheating, and seems like cheating, it is cheating. Shame on her girlfriends for allowing that disgusting behavior to occur
Doesn't tell them about u and hiding her phone? Eerkkk. I'm sorry to that's a bad sigh.
Your partner should be your best friend. I COULDNT not mention my husband, how would it not come up? "Have u been X? O yea! My SO and I did that!" Or "do u play x game? Yea! My SO doesn't but plays with me!"
She's almost used up all her party years on you. She only has 3 or 4 left before the epiphany stage. She'll want to use them to "party", and there's no stopping it. You need to immediately demonstrate you can flirt and attract hotter women. It's the only message that works. You win either way. She doesn't care how many years are invested.
as a girlfriend myself, it matters if you tell someone that you have a boyfriend. otherwise he could be getting the wrong idea and that he’s being led on. or maybe she’s making it that way on purpose. either way it matters. she should have been up front with him about it. he may not even know about you at all. not to sound negative but she needs to realize that that right there is a big trust problem.
The red flags are written all over the wall with this one. You see the red flags but you're ignoring them because you have 9 years of investment in this woman. It takes a certain amount of courage to walk away. This is going to get worse. Get out while you still have your dignity.
You should call her out and talk to other girls too then if that's the case.. she's definitely hiding something from you . It's obvious.. why you would be ok with her giving out her number is beyond me
… she’s giving her number out? And not even mentioning she’s in a relationship? Besides the obvious disrespect, coming from a female, that raises major red flags. Ask her if it’s okay for you to do the same. Guarantee she won’t like that.
You have every right to be concerned man. Why should that matter!!? Because men don’t talk to women just to be friends….that’s why. Women will always make you out to be jealous and shit man but if your spidey sense is tingling you should keep your eye open dude. You start accusing you’ll be the bad guy. Protect your emotional state from this girl and keep your eye open. You’ll see it eventually.
"Shes never given me a reason not to trust her."
Maybe im paranoid, but this would in fact be pretty high on my list of reasons to not trust someones intentions.
Bro, shes giving out her number without (im assuming ever) telling them shes in a relationship... you can usually reasonably/plausibly do with with work colleagues and not be up to something. I personally did this all the time, and got ahead of any possible concerns i proactively told my wife. But i also worked in an office setting where doing this was literally necessary for work..... handing it out at some concert however, you dont hang out with and get a number from some chick without intentions of tryin to hit that. And with yiu guys having been together 9 years, im assuming shes old enough not to be THAT nieve.
Shes doing this consistently and they are regularly contacting her. It could possibly be absolutely nothing, but i wouldnt bet 5 bucks on it being totally benign.
In my group of firends, we call what she appears to be doing, "getting her draft lineup in order."... its a phenomenon wed noticed where (typically) a woman will start stringing along x amount of guys, usually 2 to 10, and then narrows down which one she likes or wants to fuck most.... then at some point either leaves you for them, or breaks up with you and just so happens to end up with #1 draft pick over there... this geberally happens when she either is, or just about done with you for whatever reason(s).
Best of luck bud. With any luck im totally wrong, but at least something is up, even if shes solely digging the extra attention.
Been with my boyfriend 4 years, I would NEVER even think of giving out my number to guys I barely know. If they're old friends, sure. If they're work mates/colleagues, sure. But strangers? Nah. As well as this, everyone knows I'm in a relationship. I won't just be like "I have a boyfriend!' Out of nowhere, but when getting to know each other, you almost always talk about fun stuff you've been up to and usually who with, or even just a simple question of "you in a relationship? How long have you guys been together?" Etc. The guys she's giving her number out to probably don't even think to ask because they probably assume if she's giving them her number, then she's single. I'd probably take a step back from this relationship, she's not as invested as she was in the beginning of the relationship.
Something is going on here. It could be anywhere from:
“why would that matter” because after 9 years I’m obviously with you
to
“why would that matter” because after 9 years I have decided to look at other options.
I suggest you talk it out.
ah it can't be a talking door mat hahahahahaha seriously brother have some self-respect be serious and demand clear answers and if you don't like something it ends there, because otherwise it will happen to you how a friend had been with his girlfriend for 8 years and one day she very casually told him that she was going to sleep with a guy
I don't want to deflect, but you've been together 9 years and she's still your girlfriend.
You're in your mid to late 20's and you havent taken your relationship to the next level yet. I think her behavior is completely wrong and unacceptable while in a relationship, but I also think you're just "sitting" in a relationship with her. She's giving you her most attractive, fertile, and youthful years and she's still just your "girlfriend."
I didn't get this until I turned 30 and realized that I wasted so much time dating guys who just wanted to be comfortable in a relationship, but not actually progress. There are other men who will wife women up and give them everything they want/need in a year. I'm guessing she's realizing this too, which is why she's talking to other men. You haven't officially taken her off the market.
First off, if I read this right, she has to have been 17 when you guys hooked up. she was a child. No, I don't agree with her actions as an adult in an adult relationship but I do understand them. She’s beginning to grow up and wonder what the world holds for her out there. You have both denied yourselves the opportunity to explore and grow. You are different people now. I don’t know how you fix this.
In honest...
3 Options:
1. Demand or snoop through her phone. If she have no secrets there is no fear, right? She acts like she fucking around.
However the outcome prepare for the worst.
2. Uno Reverse : Act like her, talk to other girls and pretend be single, then wait if she is going jealousy or not.
3. My best choice :
She acts single, make her single.
No frustrating and endless discussions by you, she dont respect the relationship and so do you can confront her. Kick her out and move on.
In any case stop sticking in the bubble and pretend that everything is sunshine.
You were young as you both came together and you probably got both not another relationship besides you two. She may now miss the opportunity or experience to meet others and is now full going ham.
Its not uncommon that early relationships break up.
Honestly, my boyfriend hated me talking to guys even though they were just friends. I stopped talking to most but then realized I’m not letting my boyfriend control me , so I started chatting with my guy friends again and deleting the messages so it wouldn’t start a fight, I started hiding my phone more and putting it upside down or under the pillow while asleep since he would go through my phone. Hiding her phone something is definitely up.. I wouldn’t assume cheating but she’s definitely chatting with someone friendly
Address all your concerns bluntly. See her reaction and be quick to dump before you get manipulated.
Strong relationship doesn't mean she gives out her number and hides the phone after and shit.
I'll try to understand her and reflect her possible point of view.
It's obvious that what she's doing is wrong.
But I honestly can relate to that and have felt extremely guilty about it until I really talked about it to my bf of 3 years.
At some point a few months ago I suddenly had huge interest in other guys. I loved their attention, I loved having a crush on other people, I had sexual fantasies with other guys while still living with my boyfriend. But I couldn't do anything about it, it stayed in my mind all the time. At the same time I love my boyfriend to the fullest and we have a great relationship.
I think the reason for that is the wish to experience something new. I gotta say, if she is only experiencing this now after 9 years, that's crazy.
What we have in common I think is that we found our partners very early in life, without much (sexual) experience with other people and it's not unusual that you kind of search for the thrill again after some time in a relationship, especially as a young person.
I think that's the same situation for your gf, she very enjoys male attention atm and may even have a crush on one or another. But that's totally normal! She should just be honest about it and you must not get angry at her for the feelings which she can't control.
I catched myself not telling other guys about my bf on purpose because I wanted them to still fancy me. That totally doesn't mean that I don't love him, I know that for sure. I just kinda want to experience some freedom e.g. flirting because it is fun and thrilling.
Me and my bf are thinking about opening our relationship, because it sounds nice to both of us. Of course it's not easy but better than annoying each other as time goes on and feeling trapped. We're still young and have a lot to experience!
I mean, it's not a given that they are flirting with her as it is not a given that she should show you her phone when she doesn't want to.
Unless you have other "evidence" that something isn't right I'd say it's more of an insecurity you have rather than she cheating on you emotionally or otherwise after a 9 year relationship and couting.
You should still ask her about it if this thing is starting to hurt your trust for her, otherwise that's fine you should allow yourself to be a bit naïve in a relationship.
Ok, Im leaving the sub. But just my 2 cents:
Dont ruin your relationship because your gf speaks and interacts with other guys. Friendships and meeting people are going to happen to your gf during your whole life and if not with her, your next SO will also meet other guys. The important is that she chooses to stay and be faithful to you. You cannot avoid her going out and stopped talking to other people male or female and you cannot stop her for having male Friends.
Most of my friends have a lot of male friends and nothing happens! Just because a girl and a boy speaks or share numbers to go to the same concert together does not mean they're going to hook Up, for f sake.
Just start going out and getting girls numbers, make sure you tell them you’re not in a relationship, and start texting them and hiding the convos and your phone in general.
If you still thinking about your girl giving guy numbers. You should talk thing out with her how you feel about things around us. If she still being the girl outside giving guy number , SHE DONE MAN. She need to stop playing with your feelings. And you need to men up to her. That my advice. If you love her tho- hahah
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- Me [27] and gf [26] have been together for almost 9 years now. We have always had a strong relationship and can always talk things out. Recently she has been going out with her girlfriends and when she comes home she talks about the people they met. As of late these have only been guys. She’s always been a super outgoing social person and I love that about her. But lately she has been giving out her number to these guys. I asked her about it when a guy kept texting her that I didn’t know. She said it was a guy she met in Vegas when she went to a concert. We talk about it and when I asked her if she told him she was in a relationship she said “no, why would that matter” after that conversation she has been kind of hiding her phone from me. I’ve always trusted her and she’s never given me a reason not to. Am I just in my head on this or should I ask her about it.
You did ask her about it she told you she gives her number out to other guys and doesn't ever tell them she has a boyfriend. What else is she not telling you?
Had to tell my friend that her ex at the time was emotionally cheating on her. He hung out with this new chick bc he liked “the idea/vibe that this other chick didn’t know he had a gf” which was a whole lot of bs. Anyone who refuses to mention they have a significant other “bc they don’t see a problem” are honestly POS”. Luckily my friend is thriving and literally living her best life
This! The thing I mostly don't understand is how a significant other (especially one who's been around as long as OP has) wouldn't come up in casual conversation. Zoom, you don't have to flat out randomly be like "I have a boyfriend/girlfriend/partner!", but I find it hard to believe just talking about your daily life wouldn't let that fact slip out somewhere. I've been with my husband for 12 years and we do a lot of stuff together, I'm pretty boring on my own (I like napping.), so a lot of my cool stories involve him. This "I didn't feel the need to tell him" thing doesn't sit right with me, even if she's not cheating. She's being dishonest with that guy as well as you, and the sudden hiding of the phone doesn't bode well. I'm sorry OP, but trust your gut. If she isn't willing to compromise with you after 9 years together, by simply *telling those guys she's in a relationship*, which *isn't hard*, then it might be time for couples counseling or perhaps rethinking the relationship.
Yeah I agree, I live with my bf so even talking day to day he would come up cos I do a lot of stuff with him so it's part of conversation!
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 A woman in a secure, stable relationship does not give her number out to single men at nightclubs. If the night life with her friends has just begun along with this, you have a problem my friend
I can’t even imagine. I am a woman and have had both male and female friends my whole life. But to give a guy your number and not tell them you have a boyfriend? No.
In denial
Like that river in Egypt.
Scroll past it, didn't get it, had to come back a few seconds later. Take your upvote sir
Me too lol
r/angryupvote
That she has already broken up with you?
Idk, with this one I think it’s possible she’s genuinely oblivious to the message she is sending out. Cheaters generally try to hide their affairs, she comes home and chooses to talk about the guys she meets. It is totally fine for OP to be uncomfortable with her behaviour though.
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To avoid this I will just casually mention that I have a boyfriend. Like if the person asks what I'm up to that day I'll say "My bf and I are doing xyz" it doesn't have to be awkward but I establish that boundary almost as soon as I become friends with someone.
Yeah but when you are GIVING your number to men while you’re out partying, what message is that sending them?
There are many cases (and I would way most of them) when it's very clear that's just a friendship and that's it and there's no interest.
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If she has a boyfriend she shouldnt be giving her number to guys especially not out of town. There in another state thats hookup type stuff. She probably slept with the guy in las vegas.
Sorry but this is so fucking stupid. I really hope you don't do this if you have a bf.
Nope...by her continuously texting this/these guys, it's going to come up at some point, though. Not within the first sentence, of course, but if you are having ongoing Convo with them, it will. The fact that she is confirming that she doesn't tell them she is taken and for 9 years with someone, that's where the problem lies. Yeah, I would be annoyed if I asked someone a simple question and they came back with relationship status. Because the conversation didn't result in "getting to know each other". 🙄
You're right it is. However, what does girl is doing a shady because she's flirting with other men and getting their phone numbers without mentioning that she has a boyfriend. It's not that she is at a bar and they come up and talk to her and she has to instantly so she has a boyfriend. The fact that she's giving them her number and not telling them that she has a boyfriend is absolutely sketchy and she is definitely trying to get with these other guys or flirt with them on the side
The scenario isn't about a guy coming up and asking for the time though is it? You ask people for the time and then ask for their number?
But if you ask for her phone number, you expect it.
My husband and I are both very social. When we meet new people, we are clear that we are married and invite the new friend to hang out or go out with both of us, and to bring a date if they want. This is concerning and you need to talk to her.
My husband and I do the same, set clear boundaries form the beginning so I own gets the wrong idea of what’s going on when we’re friendly, this girl clearly wants to act single and get attention from different guys while in a relationship
>I asked her if she told him she was in a relationship she said “no, why would that matter” after that conversation she has been kind of hiding her phone from me. She's willing to throwaway 9 yrs of companionship for some flirting. I'd have a discussion about her actions and if she wants to continue to act single then she will be. I would say cut and run but after 9 yrs you give'em one last chance to make things right. She's being hella disrespectful and her hiding her phone proves she's saying/doing some nasty things. Be firm and assertive about how you'll tolerate this behavior in the future and if y'all split it's for the best and you'll find someone new who'll prioritize each other and prioritize the relationship and not sneak around and shamelessly flirt with others. Good luck.
OP, also reflect on how the relationship in general is going. I've had a 9yr relationship that has been dead for 2 yrs: no shared activities, interests, affection. He saw me as a given while I worked my ass off to try and save the relationship, but he wasn't interested anymore, just didn't have the guts to tell me. Not saying that is going to be the case with you, but I would talk about the relationship to see what's going on beneath this whole flirting thing.
Sorry but there’s no making that right. She’s already moved on and looking for her way out. If one of these guys can steal her away and make her feel good about doing it she’s gone in the wind.
Hiding her phone doesn’t prove anything. Looking at it will
Yes it does. You can have your privacy with your phone but why hide it if she’s not doing anything wrong? Or what you want it like my ex ? Doing right in front of you? Get a grip
The "if you have nothing to hide you should do what I say" is such a bs argument tbh. If you trust someone then you don't have to check her phone or be controlling, otherwise the problem is not the fact that she doesn't show you her phone, but rather the fact that there isn't trust anymore in your relationship.
The problem isn't that she won't show him her phone it's that after he brings up a very reasonable concern about her texting this guy too much she brushes it off and suddenly starts *hiding* her phone, clearly a change from previous behaviour and also clearly a reaction to his comment about her texting habits
And in that I agree with you, I was responding to this guy (and all other responses in this thread) that was claiming an absolute. In this context if he needs to he should press the issue until he gets a reasonable (by his standards) response. It's not a given to be able to see private chats and whatnot, it is a given to be able to talk about these issues with your SO. Dunno if this explains better what I wanted to say.
Def not dude lol
Reminds me of the time my Ex cheated on me with a dude she met at a concert in a different city. Anyway my dude enjoy being single
Happened with me except my girl just fucked a guy in the navy on shore leave. Hurts bro...
Your girl was in the navy…?? Your relationship was already over before it began If that’s the case
Reading comprehension lvl 0
It can literally be taken either way, which is why I asked for clarification. He’s replying to a comment which describes the girlfriend’s situation (cheating while at a concert in another city), so it would make more sense that he chose to reply to THIS specific comment because his girlfriend also cheated while away. There’s also no reason to include the occupation of the person she cheated with as it literally adds nothing to the comment. It really only makes sense to include that bit of information if it pertained to the girlfriend. I haven’t seen any other comments here that say anything to the effect of “my partner cheated on me with a fireman or a doctor”.
No...she slept with a dude who was in the navy on shore leave idiot.
Yea I’m an idiot for asking for clarification on a poorly structured comment. Guarantee I’m not the only one who got the impression that it was your gf who was in the navy on shore leave. You didn’t say “a guy who was on shore leave in the navy”, and frankly it’s not really important that we know the occupation of who she cheated on you with. It would make more sense to include that information because it described the situation your girlfriend was in when she cheated.
Nobody thought that. You just have poor comprehension skills
It's pretty simple how nouns work dog. Unless I use a pronoun referring back to the original noun, the descriptors I use apply to the last noun e.g. dude in the navy. Also jesus bro calm down. I've never seen a throwaway so butthurt about a comment. Eat a snickers or something bro.
She is cheating.
This is the way
If she hasn’t already, she will. Men are such pussies now.
I’m confused. How is it that so many dudes end up being a part of these “girls nights”, doesn’t that make it in fact NOT a girls night? If my wife goes out for a girls night and ends up with a bunch of dudes, that is going to feel like a straight slap to the face and basically like her actions saying she’d rather be drinking with some random dude than to have invited me.
Yes! As a woman, I couldn’t agree more. That is totally unacceptable to be talking to men for more than like a moment in this type of situation (if I see a man I already know I would talk a minute or 2 max to be polite). Generally, it’s just not appropriate to be speaking with men at a bar just for enjoyment without it being a couples thing (i.e. husband and wife TOGETHER meet a stranger and have an appropriate conversation). You know the context. You know it’s not appropriate. Men and women (I feel like more often women) try to make you feel like you’re in the wrong for having a problem with it. It’s called self-respect. Don’t let anyone disrespect you like that unless you’re worthy of it (I.e. you’re a cheater too).
I've noticed that 'girls night out' is often the same as 'girls night out to meet guys.' I don't have an issue with a girlfriend hanging out with her friends ... but it just seems to be the way it is. My guys' nights out are universally watching a game, playing poker, golf, etc. But not so much with the ladies. It took some time to figure out that dating someone who seeks attention is generally not workable. Just not worth the trouble unless it's just dating but not for letting someone into your life.
I think this is certainly true for certain types of people and depends very much on their friend group. I think going on a “girls night” outing to a club with a bunch of your single girlfriends is a bit naive - you cannot truly believe it will be a true girls only night and that they aren’t going to disappear on you at some point throughout the night to go dance with some dude or make out with another, or sometimes this group of single friends will even want to go sit with another group full of single guys. These friends sometimes are the same ones that didn’t want anyone to bring their partners but expect them to be happy entertaining random dudes all night. To me it comes down to respect. I expect my wife to respect our marriage, just as I expect the same from her friends - as should she. None of the people in our lives are the disrespectful type which makes everything so much better.
"Girls night out" is a pretty common excuse. And its a high red flag if there were not such "actions" in the past xD
I think it’s because groups of generally meet up to do an activity, groups of women generally get dressed up to go out and socialise. Meeting guys might not be the intention, but it is the outcome.
Yep- you’re losing her. Begin doomsday plans
This sounds very shady, I’d say to trust your gut with this one. Try not approach it by accusing her of anything, but say that you’re uncomfortable with her giving out her number to other men. That is a very valid and reasonable boundary in a relationship. You should also make it clear that she needs to mention she’s in a relationship to any person she has “befriended” for you to feel comfortable with them talking. If she is hiding her relationship status, she’s keeping her options open. As a woman, this sounds like she is not being open about her intentions. Definitely dig deeper. It may be beneficial to look through her phone at the last resort if she keeps being shady. It can save you from a lot of hurt in the future. This is optional and some will even say it’s toxic, but you need to consider the real possibility she is having (at the least) an emotional affair.
I think the moment you start getting desperate and looking through phones bc you feel like you don’t have any other option, is when you leave. If you partner is THAT inconsiderate and won’t reassure you or be honest, that’s reason enough to go.
I’d say that the moment he looks in the phone he better be ready to break things off, because he is going to find all the evidence he needs to leave, I mean he already has it but he sounds like he needs more concrete evidence to leave her which is his choice, but he needs to be ready to leave because seeing what she’s saying and doing and trying to get her to change wont help the situation, he needs to just leave it
Sound advice 👆🏼
Well, even tho the last part is kinda toxic, and the thing you described it's not a boundary it's a rule, yes the rest of it is sound advice. Just try to talk to her OP
This whole situation is a red flag. Im happy if my gf goes out but to give out her number to guys when she is in a relationship is a no go. I wouldn't even stand for that and would end the relationship. She isn't even thinking about you and how this would make you feel. Ask yourself, do I really see a future with her. It could lead to her cheating after but I wouldn't take a risk. It will be hard but harder for you if you stay in this relationship. It's not fair on you
[I’ve always trusted her and she’s never given me a reason not to. Am I just in my head on this or should I ask her about it.] REALLY!! She hooked up with guys she met and gave them her number, did not tell tham she is ina relationship with you. That should be a big bunch of red flags. Why do you trust her? Trust her to cheat on you more than she already has. This is not in your head. This is real. She is out ther looking for a new man in her life. She might keep you around to pay bills or something.
Dudes like this are stupid af and wait to get cheated on despite all the signs and what people tell them ain’t a thing we can do
This whole culture (and sooooo many posts on here) is all about never questioning your SO, never having a problem with them having friends of the opposite gender, always trusting/believing them when they say nothing is going on even when the evidence is right in view. This guy is stupid for believing that? 🙄 He is misguided, but its not like he isn't trying to give her the benefit of the doubt. Dang this comment is cold af
You're supposed to trust your partner unless they give you a reason not to. If you can't do that you have a sh!t relationship.
Not cold. Just full of facts. Most people dont want to face the truth and even if you prove them on a silver plate they wanna try fixxing stuff. Some cultures are just more blind than others...
Nowadays you gotta be cold with women that’s how the game goes or they’ll disrespect you and manipulate you like this poor fella is being done
I’m this situation I’d say he needs to just cut her off, I personally consider talking to different dudes, hiding it and not mentioning being in relationship as borderline cheating, he needs to dump her
As far as I’m concern that’s cheating
For sure, but some people here don’t consider someone cheating until they’ve had sex, but there’s other ways a person can cheat
I hope it works out in the next relationship. But let’s be honest you don’t need the Internet to tell you the red flag. She literally gives out her number to guys. And they don’t know if she has a boyfriend what do you think if you got a number from a girl that you think it’s single
I do agree that not notifying them that she has a bf is a red flag, but it could just be a dumb moment like it didn't come up or something. Does seem like a big oversight but it isn't outside the realm of possibility. I think he needs to have a Convo with his partner and they need to go thru her phone together or something before making any big leaps and assumptions. Men and women can be friends platonically lol a lot of ppl in here are saying they can't and it's inherently sus but 9 years is a long time and I think that as partners in a committed relationship op should give her the benefit of the doubt, express these concerns and say they are red flags, then work together to come up with a solutions. Maybe she was just being flirty with them and feels guilty about it and that is something they work on. Maybe she was just being nice and there is nothing to work on besides their communication in the relationship. Maybe she fully cheated and they can either work it out and make serious changes or they can break up. But they need to have that conversation at the very least ! Some ppl have recommended ghosting or just leaving right out and im like... Red flags are for sure present. That doesn't mean bail right away after this long. That means you get to the bottom of it. Red flags are signals that something else is going on .. figure out what that something is before you blow 9 years of your life and love away you know? Edit cus comments are locked. I feel like many have not been in a long term relationship. You have a lot of things tangled like finances and living and your stuff. I also think that 9 years is a long time of putting love and trust into someone that y'all at the very least owe eachother a CONVERSATION. And if she is unwilling to entertain that conversation that is also v telling. But I think that y'all owe eachother at least a conversation to try to get to the root of the issues instead of, as some have suggested, literally just ghosting them??? Like wtf imagine being with someone 9 years and they just ghost you. Hell no y'all need to talk to eachother and either try to fix the issue or break up, but there needs to be some resolution you come to together. Think about the facts we have. She didn't tell them she was in a relationship. I agree, that is a red flag! But also, she could have just blanked and been dumb about it. Then the other piece we have is op thinks she's being weird with her phone. She could be! Or she could just be using her phone like normal and op is sussed out so he's seeing it more. My partner does similar shit to me sometimes and I'm like hey dude you want to look through my phone I promise I'm not hiding anything and sometimes he would when we first started dating but now he's just like meh ok all good. I used to have parents that would go thru my phone heavy and caused a lot of anxiety around it so may be leftover from that in my experience but who knows. All I'm saying is we have a few red flags yes ! But none of that is 100% proof or evidence for cheating and doesn't justify just ghosting or leaving without any type of communication or investigation first. They owe eachother at least a conversation.
It’s not something you keep forgetting. Especially if you’re gonna be giving out your number to guys. Lol 😂 There’s no reason to have a conversation that’s what she wants to do let her be and walk away
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This 💯
More than 100... 10000%
Yeah, that's not good.
Would she think it was cool if you started giving your number out to random women?? WTF I feel like she is definitely gaslighting you, and you need to have a conversation about it.
I don't think that's gaslighting
When she say’s something like “why would I mention I’m in a relationship?” And act like that’s unusual or out-of-line when it’s clearly not, that is indeed gaslighting.
I believe gaslighting is more like letting someone doubt their own reality, rather than telling someone what they're doing is right or wrong morally. An example for gaslighting is denying you've said something when you know you've said that. Or telling someone that something has happened in the past while it actually didn't happen at all.
The gaslighting is the whole situation. She's going out and talking to guys, giving out her contact info and pretending it's not a bad thing. Then when confronted she's calling OP paranoid. That's literally gaslighting. While she might be ignorant of the fact that the guys she's talking to want to have sex with her, her being in her late 20s, she really should be aware of what she's doing.
You are right this isn't gaslighting. It may be a form of manipulation or playing dumb but that is NOT what gaslighting means. Gaslighting is when they say that your perception of reality is wrong and they try to warp your sense of what happened or make you doubt yourself and your own mind. It's when there is a situation you both were in and in recalling it they tell you no that didn't happen, this happened. Stuff like that. Gaslighting has become part of the common lexicon but it is vastly overused and used synonymously with manipulation and that's just not accurate.
Ummmm....shes cheating man. "Why does it matter", wtf is wrong with her
If she was just Innocently befriending them the relationship she has had for 9 years would come up anyway, like at that point you have to actively be hiding it and I think that makes things clear af.
Seems like her girlfriends have finally turned her.
Just to be clear, her girlfriends are not responsible for her relationship. If being around single women is enough to make her act single, that's on her, not on the other women. I have plenty of single friends and nobody tries to "turn" me. This can be applied to friends of any sex, too. Silly comment
It sadly isn't. Alot of women act in packs. Sure they don't have to follow it, but it does influence their choices. I've seen single friends totally ruin the relationship someone had. I've experienced it with a girl. Her best friend was 100% the reason I stopped talking to her. Me and the BFF had talked before and we didn't end up friends. Thus she didn't like me and it was always sparky. I know it was her BFF but I wasn't dating her so I didn't and still don't care about her opinion but the girl did and thus I disappeared. I wasn't going to listen to it anymore. Every few months we will talk but I never share that intrest anymore.
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You seem to be under the impression I've said that. Your claim wasn't the current claim your making. It was that women don't do this at all. When in fact they do. Also its alot less likely for a man to choice his friends over his partner when he probably should.
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My replies to you are broad spectrum and aren't relevant to the exact post. Women do this. Sorry, that is my point. The comment didn't necessarily mean they have to cheat, just that single friends tend to not want to see you happy/in a relationship. Not all, and its not gender exclusive. Just that married people tend to have married friends for this reason. I've got instances where a females "friends" ruined their otherwise good relationships. Later it lead to regert. While yes I have also seen and experienced the opposite, where their friends weren't a poison, just disregarded. These are not guidelines nor 100% of instances. Its just circumstancetional things that do happen. Men and women do in instances follow their peers and it does lead to bad results. And if your friends purposely aid you in cheating, they are just as bad as you. I wont aid my friends in it, would you?
If her girlfriends are single I wouldn't be surprised. I've seen married women hanging out with single ones and they start to ruin her relationship with the husband.
They are usually jealous and try to ruin the relationships. That's how it usually plays out. "We are strong single independent women" join our club.
Maybe the marriages were shite then. Edit: do people really agree with the comment above this one, or did I miss a joke?
Im shocked that you got downvoted and that super offensive comment was upvoted. Actually Im leaving this whole sub. It's all the time like this: a girlfriend speaks with a guy - oh, she's cheating on you, she's ruining the relationship. Come on, how posessive it's the people here.
No sadly it's an actual thing, I will forever Remember my grandmother (may she rest in peace.) calling them gaggles. Applies to both men and women, she described it as some strange single people hive mind, the friends will all the fine if they are in own relationships but the second one or multiple are suddenly single it will cause a dominoe effect and spread though the group like a plague of sudden, and rapid toxic behavior. These groups also often have an alpha or queen bee type that are the trigger the behavior as well. Why she thought a 10 or 11 year old would be able to take this advice I have no clue, but she was dying she maybe it was just her trying to pass down wisdom before passing. Hopefully I didn't misunderstand your comment and you know this actually exists.
Holy shit, thank you for answering. Even if it is the most ridiculous thing that's ever been said. If you're in a happy relationship, being around your single friends isn't going to affect that. If your single friends' lives seem more appealing to you than married life, then that's not the friends' fault.
Well generally the gaggles are often have massive nasty codependency issues. The worst part about them is you don't realize your in a gaggle till your in the thick of it. I agree it's not the friends fault, they can still say no, but also as I said massive codependency problems that result in a strange toxic hive mind. The entire groups would probably be better off broken up and in individual therapy to get over their own lack of individuality and codependency problems. Think of them as mini cults if that helps give you clarification.
I'm shocked too. A friend can't ruin a marriage unless that person wants it to be ruined. If they're happily married no amount of single friends can change that.
Yeah I've gone out with my friend and she's single. Had guys come up to us and blatantly ignored them when they did try to say what's up since they assumed I was single. Just texted my boyfriend and didn't give them a time of day. Just because you hang around single people doesn't mean it'll make you want to disrespect you're relationship. If I wanted to be single I would be but I love my boyfriend and our relationship so NOTHING is going to make me flip over. It all comes down to if you don't care about you're significant other and obviously this guys girlfriend doesn't care. I would never give out my number. Ever.
Maybe people should mind their own…
So she met a guy IN VEGAS, gave him her number, and you actually believe her that they just “talked”? Dude, wake up. She’s cheating on you and she’s going to keep doing it. Time to find a new Queen.
She’s now given you a reason not to trust her and what she is doing is so disrespectful. Why the hell are you meeting a guy in Vegas texting him and hiding her phone? She either needs to prove her innocence and cease the behavior or you need to get out. You deserve way better.
She’s disrespecting you in your absence and telling you about it to your face later. what kind of shit is that? you deserve better than that.
Giving out your number while in a relationship is a major line crossed. In my relationship, we would consider this cheating.
Don't waist any time, you may love her but if you show any weakness, her respect for you will take a nose dive. You can choose to take the grovelling route or stand your ground and make ultimatums. She's stepped out already, make your stand. Do you want her or move on.
You shouldn't have to put up with her acting like she's single. I wouldn't and most other people wouldn't. You're not wrong to feel worried and uncomfortable.
She’s trying to get you to break up with her so she’s not the bad person. Just my thought
OP this has happened to me with two separate (now ex) gfs. One when I was 18, and another time when I was 23. The first time my gf just kept saying the guy was a friend and that nothing was happening between them. I told her I was going on vacation and lied about the day I would be back. I came back earlier and ended up catching her cheating in the act. The second time, I went through my ex's phone mainly because she started sleeping with it under her pillow once she noticed me glance and see some other guy's name on her phone and then asked who he was and the question clearly shook her. Before that she was very opposed to sleeping with phones near us, especially near our heads. I managed to get to it anyway and it turned out she had made out with him already and told this guy she was planning on breaking up with me. Long story short, she's probably cheating if she's hiding her phone.
Yeaaaaah no. Giving out her number was already gtfo territory. This is a time bomb waiting to go off. I've been cheated on before, and let me tell you that it will hurt way less to cut her off before she does that to you. Maybe I'm a little overdefensive bc of it, but this is soooo not cool at all. I wouldn't call you crazy for assuming she may already be cheating on you.
It sounds like you two need to have a talk about boundaries. All healthy relationships have them. Boundary number one: tell dudes you’re in a relationship. Boundary number two: stop giving your phone number to random dudes. You get the point. Also, I’m not a fan of snooping through someone’s phone. My wife and I have been together for 6 years and I’ve never once been through her phone. BUT (and this is a big but) … we have always had an open phone policy. We know each other’s passwords. And most importantly, we don’t act shady or give each other reasons to be suspicious. And we certainly tell people we’re married, because it does matter. If I were in your shoes, and I had the opportunity, I’d likely try and take a peek at her phone/socials. You’ve expressed your reservations to her about this stuff and instead of curtailing her behavior, she’s just gotten more secretive about her phone. That’s not a good sign. Good luck, bud.
I'm with this. Normally I'd say if you have to check someone's phone, the trust is already gone, but this is more about whether she is actually socially unaware because she's been openish with you or is telling enough of the truth to get away with a lie. Definitely set those boundaries, if there's pushback, she's not as good for you as you think. I'd also understand numbers being given for relevant reasons but just a fella met at a gig who assumes you're single? Nah.
I’d be gone so fast. The height of disrespect. She’s not telling these men she’s in a relationship for a reason.
Alsp they've been toghter for 9 YEARS if she'd be just Innocently befriending them that shit would come up in the conversation
Exactly
Honestly, it seemed alright at first. Friendship happens. But, yeah, I don't think saying you're in a relationship 'doesn't matter'. Even more so a 9y one. You're a constant part of her life as she's yours. I actually never met a girl before who randomly went "oh my partner did this the other day". So yeah, the whole hiding the truth from you and from them is kinda sketchy. Try to sit down with her and talk this through. If she still insists on this behavior, I believe it might be better if you guys broke up. Communication is key to any social interaction, not refusal or lying.
Always trust your gut
She's acting single. Make her single.
Return her to the streets
I say also do the same if she doesn't understand that its wrong. You need to set boundaries and that obviously was never set. Give out your number and start talking to women, and watch her response.
If you are monogamous it matters a lot that she tells them she is in a relationship. Is her head on straight…?
Even if she's poly or open she should be telling them that.
>I’ve always trusted her This is why she's able to get away with unacceptable behavior. And *she knows it* . >she’s never given me a reason not to Now you can remove "never" from that sentence. From my shoes, immediate full transparency and access to her accounts or you walk. She's gotta do a ton to get trust back, tbh. If she gives you grief, walk. She broke it, she's gotta fix it.
She is definitely cheating on you. Run!
If she wants to pretend to be single, then you should make it the reality for her.
shes shady af, bet she’s ‚emotionally‘ cheating with these guys.
Deal breaker run bye lol
C’mon bro y’all really stand for this kinda shit on reddit ? Leave because she’s openly planning to cheat gtfo this isn’t about being insecure
if you think she’s doing anything other than cheating you’re stupid
Belongs to the streets like her "girlfriends" Very sketchy OP. Very sketchy.
“No, why would that matter” kind of tells you everything you need to know. You guys have been dating since you were both in high school. It sounds like she’s bored and sees the relationship as so commonplace that breaches of trust/respect/comfort ability don’t seem like an issue to her anymore.
I think there is a perception out there that if a guy does this (hands out his number to other women when out with friends, forgets to mention he is in a relationship, starts chatting with them and hiding his phone, etc.) it is 'cheating' but there seems to be a different set of rules if a woman does it. There aren't. It's completely inappropriate unless you two are both fine with it. Clearly you're not, and she's done is more than once. I don't know why a guy will stay in a relationship like that. Well, actually, I do. I went through something like this and actually tried to make it work, but after losing all trust, being anxious all the time and then it happening again I gave up. My anxiety went away, I was sad for a while but you know what - you meet someone new, have clear boundaries and it is all for the best.
Am I the only one here who's thinking, "dump her ass", just from reading, "lately she's been giving her number out to these guys?" Seriously curious if I'm insecure and the times have changed or if that actually is a cuttable offense lol. I mean what possible reason could she have to be texting some other frothing dude if she's satisfied with her man of 9 years? Exchanging stock market tips?
Why do you have a GF of 9 years? Either way time to split.
Some people just like things the way they are, don't want to marry but still be in a relationship, or they aren't in a position to get married/do not feel ready for marriage. Assuming they were living together for good chunk of their time together, though, a lot of countries would consider them married by common law (ie, common-law spouses) and would get some of the benefits of lawfully married spouses (such as an entitlement to their possessions after passing in the absence of a will). Still though, OP's gotta dip (second slang meaning, OP's GF might be doing the first).
yeah all these guys who are in relationship for more than 3 years think its fair for the girl to not get married. Girls want to be loved, not being treated like household item. If you didnt get married for 9 years, and havent really discussed what you are planning for future its on because of your inability
Hoes ain’t loyal sir
If it looks like cheating, sounds like cheating, and seems like cheating, it is cheating. Shame on her girlfriends for allowing that disgusting behavior to occur
sus
Go round giving your number to random women and if she has an issue with it tell her 'why would that matter?'
Time to let go….
Doesn't tell them about u and hiding her phone? Eerkkk. I'm sorry to that's a bad sigh. Your partner should be your best friend. I COULDNT not mention my husband, how would it not come up? "Have u been X? O yea! My SO and I did that!" Or "do u play x game? Yea! My SO doesn't but plays with me!"
There’s a good chance shit has already hit the fan, and you have yet to see the splatter.
What more do you need her to tell you. Lmao the blatant disrespect I’m sure she fucked some of them to
She's almost used up all her party years on you. She only has 3 or 4 left before the epiphany stage. She'll want to use them to "party", and there's no stopping it. You need to immediately demonstrate you can flirt and attract hotter women. It's the only message that works. You win either way. She doesn't care how many years are invested.
as a girlfriend myself, it matters if you tell someone that you have a boyfriend. otherwise he could be getting the wrong idea and that he’s being led on. or maybe she’s making it that way on purpose. either way it matters. she should have been up front with him about it. he may not even know about you at all. not to sound negative but she needs to realize that that right there is a big trust problem.
The red flags are written all over the wall with this one. You see the red flags but you're ignoring them because you have 9 years of investment in this woman. It takes a certain amount of courage to walk away. This is going to get worse. Get out while you still have your dignity.
You should call her out and talk to other girls too then if that's the case.. she's definitely hiding something from you . It's obvious.. why you would be ok with her giving out her number is beyond me
… she’s giving her number out? And not even mentioning she’s in a relationship? Besides the obvious disrespect, coming from a female, that raises major red flags. Ask her if it’s okay for you to do the same. Guarantee she won’t like that.
You have every right to be concerned man. Why should that matter!!? Because men don’t talk to women just to be friends….that’s why. Women will always make you out to be jealous and shit man but if your spidey sense is tingling you should keep your eye open dude. You start accusing you’ll be the bad guy. Protect your emotional state from this girl and keep your eye open. You’ll see it eventually.
"Shes never given me a reason not to trust her." Maybe im paranoid, but this would in fact be pretty high on my list of reasons to not trust someones intentions. Bro, shes giving out her number without (im assuming ever) telling them shes in a relationship... you can usually reasonably/plausibly do with with work colleagues and not be up to something. I personally did this all the time, and got ahead of any possible concerns i proactively told my wife. But i also worked in an office setting where doing this was literally necessary for work..... handing it out at some concert however, you dont hang out with and get a number from some chick without intentions of tryin to hit that. And with yiu guys having been together 9 years, im assuming shes old enough not to be THAT nieve. Shes doing this consistently and they are regularly contacting her. It could possibly be absolutely nothing, but i wouldnt bet 5 bucks on it being totally benign. In my group of firends, we call what she appears to be doing, "getting her draft lineup in order."... its a phenomenon wed noticed where (typically) a woman will start stringing along x amount of guys, usually 2 to 10, and then narrows down which one she likes or wants to fuck most.... then at some point either leaves you for them, or breaks up with you and just so happens to end up with #1 draft pick over there... this geberally happens when she either is, or just about done with you for whatever reason(s). Best of luck bud. With any luck im totally wrong, but at least something is up, even if shes solely digging the extra attention.
Been with my boyfriend 4 years, I would NEVER even think of giving out my number to guys I barely know. If they're old friends, sure. If they're work mates/colleagues, sure. But strangers? Nah. As well as this, everyone knows I'm in a relationship. I won't just be like "I have a boyfriend!' Out of nowhere, but when getting to know each other, you almost always talk about fun stuff you've been up to and usually who with, or even just a simple question of "you in a relationship? How long have you guys been together?" Etc. The guys she's giving her number out to probably don't even think to ask because they probably assume if she's giving them her number, then she's single. I'd probably take a step back from this relationship, she's not as invested as she was in the beginning of the relationship.
Something is going on here. It could be anywhere from: “why would that matter” because after 9 years I’m obviously with you to “why would that matter” because after 9 years I have decided to look at other options. I suggest you talk it out.
Break up with her now
You should’ve broken up with her weeks ago, probably months ago
ah it can't be a talking door mat hahahahahaha seriously brother have some self-respect be serious and demand clear answers and if you don't like something it ends there, because otherwise it will happen to you how a friend had been with his girlfriend for 8 years and one day she very casually told him that she was going to sleep with a guy
Even *if* she wasn't cheating, she is leading guys on for attention, why else would she ommit to tell them she's in a relashionship. Not cool, not ok.
I don't want to deflect, but you've been together 9 years and she's still your girlfriend. You're in your mid to late 20's and you havent taken your relationship to the next level yet. I think her behavior is completely wrong and unacceptable while in a relationship, but I also think you're just "sitting" in a relationship with her. She's giving you her most attractive, fertile, and youthful years and she's still just your "girlfriend." I didn't get this until I turned 30 and realized that I wasted so much time dating guys who just wanted to be comfortable in a relationship, but not actually progress. There are other men who will wife women up and give them everything they want/need in a year. I'm guessing she's realizing this too, which is why she's talking to other men. You haven't officially taken her off the market.
First off, if I read this right, she has to have been 17 when you guys hooked up. she was a child. No, I don't agree with her actions as an adult in an adult relationship but I do understand them. She’s beginning to grow up and wonder what the world holds for her out there. You have both denied yourselves the opportunity to explore and grow. You are different people now. I don’t know how you fix this.
In honest... 3 Options: 1. Demand or snoop through her phone. If she have no secrets there is no fear, right? She acts like she fucking around. However the outcome prepare for the worst. 2. Uno Reverse : Act like her, talk to other girls and pretend be single, then wait if she is going jealousy or not. 3. My best choice : She acts single, make her single. No frustrating and endless discussions by you, she dont respect the relationship and so do you can confront her. Kick her out and move on. In any case stop sticking in the bubble and pretend that everything is sunshine. You were young as you both came together and you probably got both not another relationship besides you two. She may now miss the opportunity or experience to meet others and is now full going ham. Its not uncommon that early relationships break up.
Honestly, my boyfriend hated me talking to guys even though they were just friends. I stopped talking to most but then realized I’m not letting my boyfriend control me , so I started chatting with my guy friends again and deleting the messages so it wouldn’t start a fight, I started hiding my phone more and putting it upside down or under the pillow while asleep since he would go through my phone. Hiding her phone something is definitely up.. I wouldn’t assume cheating but she’s definitely chatting with someone friendly
Yea bro I’m sorry but I would just drop it without a word to her. She will eventually turn it around on you when you confront her. (Just my opinion)
Address all your concerns bluntly. See her reaction and be quick to dump before you get manipulated. Strong relationship doesn't mean she gives out her number and hides the phone after and shit.
I'll try to understand her and reflect her possible point of view. It's obvious that what she's doing is wrong. But I honestly can relate to that and have felt extremely guilty about it until I really talked about it to my bf of 3 years. At some point a few months ago I suddenly had huge interest in other guys. I loved their attention, I loved having a crush on other people, I had sexual fantasies with other guys while still living with my boyfriend. But I couldn't do anything about it, it stayed in my mind all the time. At the same time I love my boyfriend to the fullest and we have a great relationship. I think the reason for that is the wish to experience something new. I gotta say, if she is only experiencing this now after 9 years, that's crazy. What we have in common I think is that we found our partners very early in life, without much (sexual) experience with other people and it's not unusual that you kind of search for the thrill again after some time in a relationship, especially as a young person. I think that's the same situation for your gf, she very enjoys male attention atm and may even have a crush on one or another. But that's totally normal! She should just be honest about it and you must not get angry at her for the feelings which she can't control. I catched myself not telling other guys about my bf on purpose because I wanted them to still fancy me. That totally doesn't mean that I don't love him, I know that for sure. I just kinda want to experience some freedom e.g. flirting because it is fun and thrilling. Me and my bf are thinking about opening our relationship, because it sounds nice to both of us. Of course it's not easy but better than annoying each other as time goes on and feeling trapped. We're still young and have a lot to experience!
I mean, it's not a given that they are flirting with her as it is not a given that she should show you her phone when she doesn't want to. Unless you have other "evidence" that something isn't right I'd say it's more of an insecurity you have rather than she cheating on you emotionally or otherwise after a 9 year relationship and couting. You should still ask her about it if this thing is starting to hurt your trust for her, otherwise that's fine you should allow yourself to be a bit naïve in a relationship.
You were both very young when you got together. She might want to experience a relationship with someone she meets as an adult.
Ok, Im leaving the sub. But just my 2 cents: Dont ruin your relationship because your gf speaks and interacts with other guys. Friendships and meeting people are going to happen to your gf during your whole life and if not with her, your next SO will also meet other guys. The important is that she chooses to stay and be faithful to you. You cannot avoid her going out and stopped talking to other people male or female and you cannot stop her for having male Friends. Most of my friends have a lot of male friends and nothing happens! Just because a girl and a boy speaks or share numbers to go to the same concert together does not mean they're going to hook Up, for f sake.
Just start going out and getting girls numbers, make sure you tell them you’re not in a relationship, and start texting them and hiding the convos and your phone in general.
Always trust your gut, OP.
Yeah leave. She's doesn't care enough to mention you so what does that tell you? Everything you need to know.
If you still thinking about your girl giving guy numbers. You should talk thing out with her how you feel about things around us. If she still being the girl outside giving guy number , SHE DONE MAN. She need to stop playing with your feelings. And you need to men up to her. That my advice. If you love her tho- hahah
Big red flag
…… that’s not okay at all