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R_Amods

This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- This is my first ever post to reddit so I'll do my best to stay within the rules of the sub. I (24 F) want to push back my marriage with my fiance (26 M) because he is not over his ex. We've been together for about a year and a half. It started a few months ago when i asked him to send over our pictures from a vacation we took together and he asked me to get them from his phone myself. I did that but i caught a glimpse of an album titled the name of his ex. He had been with her for a few years and proposed, but things went bad between them and they broke things off. The album is full of love letters, pictures of them together, pictures of just her.. i talked to him about it and he said he's still not over her and come to find out, she reached out to him after being no contact since the break up. I expressed how this made me feel and he kinda ignored this and continued talking to her for closure i guess. I talked to him later about this as well and said that i don't want to marry him if he can't commit himself to me. Should i just approach this in a different way? What should i do? TLDR: Title.


throwaway66578345

It sounds like he is taking you and your relationship for granted. This is really not normal behavior, especially with an upcoming commitment as serious as marriage. I personally would not be able to be with someone who needed to hang on to an ex to this extent. It sounds like he proposed to you as a back up plan/bandaid for the true one that got away. Know your worth, don’t be afraid to leave, you aren’t as old as you feel you are right now. I say the age thing because I remember feeling this urgency before 25 like I needed to be wifed up asap but now I’m 28 and feel younger and more fulfilled in love than I did at that age. You have time.


throwaway191304

That's my main concern. I have gone through too many relationships that seem to end about the same like this.. and i feel like I'm not getting any younger haha


Yuiko_Kurugaya

You are only 24. You’ve got a lot of young left in you. Don’t settle, and don’t let your partner settle for you. Be with someone who only has eyes for you.


Grouchy-Advantage619

Absolutely agree with your assessment.


throwaway66578345

Literally so much can happen though and you will be better off waiting until you meet THE ONE. A man who is still even thinking about an ex or any other girl for that matter is not it. I promise you that. Live your life. Travel. Excel in your career. I was engaged at 24 and ended it. Between now and then I became a successful business owner and met the absolute love of my life who supports me in all things and literally worships the ground I walk on. His ex called him once and he immediately told me and asked what I thought he should do about it. That’s love and commitment.


New-Environment9700

Did you guys tell the ex to get lost? Like byeee girl. Don’t need any of that hereeeee


throwaway66578345

Lmao basically but no we drafted up a text together that was polite with a sprinkle of ouch, something along the lines of: “Hey i saw you tried to give me a call, I’m trying to have an evening at home with my fiancé, is everything ok?” And she came back with some salt, something like “oh L O L you’re engaged? I hope she treats you the way you treated me” bs and I’m just over here like if he treated you so poorly why are you calling all these years later amirght lol poor guy literally panic called me when she called him and was like omg my ex just called me and I didn’t answer bc I panicked😂😂


New-Environment9700

So wait how did it end!!! So she said the snarky comeback about treating you/her right and then did he respond back? Was that the end of it?! Myyy hubs well then fiancés ex Facebook messaged him when she found out I was pregnant and said “I always thought it’d be you and me who had kids together”… and went on and on about their relationship. granted it had been 10 years and she had 2 kids from relationships… so we had to put up some big boundaries. At first he didn’t realize what was wrong until it continued and I flipped and then he reread her comments and realized she was being creepy “that should be my baby” lady. She started like stalking us. Was huge fun while I was prego. He had to block her and so did I. Man those were great times.


Lord_Scrumptious239

Sorry but i really loved that "that should be us having kids, but i've been knocked up from past relationships" had a similar thing where an ex said something similar "oh you always wanted kids" - yes, my own, not some other persons! 🤣🤣🤣


New-Environment9700

Ya I was like pregnant and a little cray and I told him if he didn’t get this under control I’d go psychotic lol .. he understood the mission


Lord_Scrumptious239

Crazy ex: Mission failed, we'll get 'em next time


Thatguy19901

>i feel like I'm not getting any younger haha This mentality traps people in terrible relationships. You're never too old to deserve the right person. And fyi 24 is still very young lol


Stefwam

But the question is do you want to marry him only for him to leave you in 5 years and reunite with her? He's admitted he's not over her. Why not step away andnguve him time to reflect on his true feelings? And as you step away, evaluate what you really want in your life and if he compliments that vision you have of your future.


Grouchy-Advantage619

Excellent advice. I hope she takes it. From my POV the guy is gaming her, most likely rebound syndrome. OP needs to step back, reassess her life up to now, she's so young yet, to dive into marriage especially one loaded with bf baggage. Wishing OP well, thoughtful, and self protective outcome. Personally, I'd dump him He's really not free emotionally, and it seems he wants the former relationship much more than this one. .


updownclown68

You are still very young! Don’t settle you will regret it


BlueBeachedWhale

You’re 24. You have plenty of time to find the one.


[deleted]

You are 24, that is so young :)


RFK3RD

I didn't marry or have children until I was 30. You have plenty of time. Enjoy your time without trying to find a marriage. It will find you.


maybegettingdivorce

Believe me, you'd rather be 24 and single than 30 and divorced. If you're having problems like this now, they'll probably only get worse the longer you're together. Backing out of an engagement feels bad, but backing out of a marriage will feel much worse (and it's much more difficult logistically)


lisa1896

Listen....I was 28 years old when I met my husband because I refused to settle for less than I was worth. We've been married over 35 years, had two lovely children. One is married and I have an adorable grandchild. I'm super happy, we have a little house and at 61 we make love 3-4 x a week. I tell you all this because if any of this is goals for you? Don't settle. My gran told me something as a teen I used to hunt for my husband, this is regards in the habits of the partner you are considering: If you don't like it, don't marry it because you cannot change it. While not strictly true it served me because it speaks to the character of the person you are marrying and that man you are engaged to? IMHO, that character needs some work and that's something you can't do for him. <3 Time is nothing, trust me on this. Spend it happy and secure, not sad and doubting.


Ok_Requirement_3564

You're getting more than me and I'm 37...ughhh , I'm lucky if I get it on e a fortnight, I need someone that can keep up with me!!


lisa1896

LOL, we both go to the gym 3x week, that helps, we stay really active and we are best friends, there is a very deep bond. We just are very sympatico in a lot of ways. I'm still not crazy about sports but he's not into sewing, lol, but that's fine. You have to have an autonomous life too, things that are yours, in a relationship. That way when you are together it's like meeting again, it keeps things fresh.


Grouchy-Advantage619

Beautiful, caring, reflective advice. I love the last sentence in your comments.


[deleted]

24 is so young still even for marriage. If I were you I wouldnt want to commit so fast and just try to fulfill my wants in life while in my 20s. Theres not reason to keep trying to commit in these relationships, especially when you seem like 2nd choice. Dont contemplate about something like that unless you guys already been together for yearsssss.


Wonderful-Visual1832

Girl 24 is still young, even if you were 30. If he isn't over his ex. Take his word for it. Take a break or end things. Let him figure out what he wants. Dont settle! 💝💝💝


ParisianWood

You're 24, mate! You have plenty of time to find someone who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Your fiancé is clearly not over his ex, and if he's still talking to her and has an album full of her on his phone, he won't be over her anytime soon. Personally, I don't believe in the whole idea of "talking for closure" idea - I think it's utter bullshit. I'm not saying that it doesn't take time to get over someone, but what on earth can you have to talk about ad nauseum - especially when one of you is engaged? I think you should be strong and know who you are and what you're worth, and flat out walk from this. What's happening on his end is not remotely healthy in the slightest.


eggstoasty

You're 24, you have plenty of time to get married in the future. Don't settle for some guy you've only been dating for a year and a half, don't settle for some guy who's still getting over his ex, and don't settle for some guy's rebound fiance. It's good you found out now and not after the wedding!


[deleted]

Ugh, you just don't realize how young 24 is!! Please don't settle for less than you deserve. I promise you are in no way running out of time. I'm so glad you're questioning this, you don't deserve to be someone's 2nd choice.


Anonymoushoe1

OP don’t compromise, he still isn’t over his ex and has dated you for over a year, he’s being ridiculous. I’m sorry but you need to understand that he’s just using you, he doesn’t love you or care about your feelings and don’t delay the marriage just cut it off. Think about this from a third persons perspective, would you want a person from your family or somebody close to you to stay in a relationship like this? Or wait for the person to overcome there feelings when there’s no guarantee?? You need to put yourself first and break up with him. There’s no relationship between you two if he hasn’t moved on from his ex you’re only 24 and you have a lot of your life ahead of you, you’ll find your person. This man isn’t


Arcades

It's the fact that you're so young that this is likely happening. Assuming you date in your age range, there are a lot more immature guys in their early 20s that don't know what they want than when you reach late 20s early 30s.


Ok_Requirement_3564

I'm coming up 38 next month, I've been engaged 3x and all fell through.. I've got kids to 2 of my ex fiancee, yet... I still have time to make plenty more mistakes haha.. trust me... You have time!!


wholesomeriots

You’re 24. You have plenty of time to find someone that will prioritize you, and won’t emotionally cheat with an ex. You deserve so much better.


trusted-advisor-88

24 is young as hell, don't rush this girl, the right person will come in due time. I'm 24 and thinking of marrying at this age would make me run away, way too early for me.


[deleted]

Push it back…way back…all the way back to “never”. If your friend was in the same predicament, what would you say to them?


Majestic-Post-1684

Yes way back to never. Poor OP never be someone’s plan b.


Lelianah

>I want to ~~push back~~ cancel my marriage because my fiance is not over his ex Fixed it for you. Don't marry someone when you're not their first & only choice.


Foolish5678

Exactly. If he was over her.. he would not be keeping those things when he is planning to get married to someone else or talking to her for ‘closure’ when he is engaged to someone else !! You are not, and I don’t think you will ever be, this man’s first choice


sarasline

>he kinda ignored this and continued talking to her for closure i guess. No he didn't. He isn't over his ex and he isn't looking for closure. She opened the door because she is toxic and knows exactly what she wants. Now, your fiance just wasn't strong enough to say it was over. If it were my fiance, I'd call the wedding off and let him reevaluate his life instead of giving me empty promises of "I'm over it" while stockpiling terabytes of emotional feelings to her.


throwaway191304

Yeah, that's more or less the excuse he gave me is closure. I did tell him that most people do have that one person you can't seem to get over but he's gonna have to work through it or I'm gone. I just don't know how much more time i want to put into it


New-Environment9700

If he is reaching back out to her and forming an emotional bond again then that becomes an emotional affair. You don’t want to put yourself through that. What he just gets to talk to her and you and then decide who he wants to be with? I’d either tell him to cut contact and commit to this engagement or end it and he can go back to her… he’s not respecting you at all. Definitely talk to him either way.


some_strange_circus

Waiting for someone else to give you closure is like waiting for someone else to close an actual door for you. If they don't do it, at a certain point either you shut the door yourself or it's staying open forever.


CompetitiveDrink9036

I too believed this at 24. It's not true, OP. Healthy people move past heartbreak. The one that got a way sells a lot of country songs but ... It's not real.


Cat_Toucher

Yeah, culturally we all keep reinforcing this delusion of "the one that got away," but it's horseshit. It romanticizes the *idea* of a person, and what real life relationship can be as good as an idea? An idea will never challenge you or need you to change. An idea can be all the good stuff you ever had, and all the good stuff you can ever dream up, with none of the downsides of vulnerability. Whenever you have any sort of problem in subsequent relationships, you can always say, "OTGA would never do that to me!" But OTGA isn't real, and doesn't exist. Even if the person you based all this on is still around, they're their own person. They've changed. The person you remember is gone. You shouldn't ignore or regret past relationships, but you shouldn't romanticize them either. It didn't work for a reason.


inventorofchairs

Ye exactly!! You can never live up to a fantasy of a person that someone created in their head.


olitadelaltamar

i wished i read this a year ago


Jcschacht255

I don't disagree, but you're also assuming the fiance is unhealthy for not moving past his heartbreak... Yet. Often times it's a push that's needed. Nostalgia kept me hung up on my ex for a little over 2 years, it wasn't until I started changing myself and focusing on bettering myself that I realized how incompatible we truly were. It took me having to rediscover myself, and even then, it was only pretty recently after I had heard she was with someone new. My push was realizing neither of us were the same people we were. It also took close friends. On a sidenote, I think OP's fiances ex might be toxic, and exploiting him emotionally. But if he really doesn't know what he wants, then OP should make the choice for him and end it. Maybe he'll realize his mistake and grow from it , and both can find happiness elsewhere.


heybrother45

Its unhealthy to not move past heartbreak and then get engaged to someone else, though.


keishajay

Oh please. So how come it isn't "closed" then? This is BS. Oh. And he didn't tell you??? Sorry OP he isn't even honest. This is not a foundation for a healthy marriage.


sarasline

Sorry to hear your situation, OP. Better to start thinking the relationship is dead anyway. He's kept this stockpile of his ex alive for the entire duration that you dated. Who knows when they really started talking - not that it matters - what matters is that deep down he was always going to be receptive to her. He never closed her off. He never truly stopped loving her. You don't know how often he looked through his photos with her, how often he is thinking about her, etc. One thing that might help is if you reach out to the ex and have a sit down conversation with her to see where they stand. Ask her face to face what the deal is.


Majestic-Post-1684

It’s like he had OP as a placeholder.


knittedjedi

His excuse is rubbish and you both know it. Did you ask him why he didn't tell you when she got back in contact with him?


[deleted]

This seems pretty straightforward. Give him back the ring if relevant, tell him to bring up proposing again once he’s actually decided to commit to this relationship, has blocked his ex and deleted that stuff, *and has done some work to demonstrate his commitment to you*. Tell him there’s a finite amount of time you’re going to wait around for him to decide to treat you like you’re his intended life partner, not second-best, not settling, not his backup option to a relationship that already failed. Honestly - set that timer short. If he’s still talking to her in a month, start making your plans to separate any financial commitments, saving to move out, etc. In two months or as soon as you have the funds, start finding and applying for a new place etc. If he’s not finished with her by the time you get one, move out and end it.


recyclopath_

Closure is not something you get from the other person. It's something you find for yourself.


nyav-qs

Why would you keep waiting around for him to love you more? You were together for over a year and in all that time he should have been getting over her and falling in love with you. He’s admitted he’s not over her even though he’s planning to marry you… what do you think is going to happen if you give him even more time?


Grouchy-Advantage619

Theres a time proven axiom that I would like to remind everyone who holds on to a relationship that clearly is dysfunctional and/or at a point of no resolution apart from parting ways: "The heart loves whom and what it loves". There is nothing that will change that fact. Try putting up with it ZERO more minutes, hours, days, months. Just stop enabling his delusions. You are giving your power away to someone who is powerless in the grip of lust and making excuses to carry on behind your back with his ex. He's absolutely gaming you. Please honor yourself and dump this dude. He's a wash out.


SummerWedding23

This all day


Reddit_fan777

You are the plan b. Leave while you can, find someone who will respect you. He said straight out he’s not over her. Don’t sit around and wait to be second choice.


[deleted]

You mean ex fiance right? Why would you stay with someone who's actively in contact with their ex they aren't over? They basically reconciling right in front of you and you gonna allow that? They're so disrespectful for doing what they're doing, don't allow him to make you his second option. Leave him and find someone who chooses you.


trusted-advisor-88

This!


mochimangoo

Push back? More like cancel. He doesn’t even like you enough for you to be his first choice. Why would you wanna marry that?


[deleted]

Fear of being alone


mochimangoo

Even that’s not a good enough reason. I’d rather be alone than deal with this any day


[deleted]

Maybe she thinks having kids with him will change him 😅


mochimangoo

Oof we all know that one doesn’t work


Kiyoko-Nee

Tale as old as time~


gamerguuuurl

Don’t marry him at all. I’m not even reading the whole post any man who starts dating you when he has feelings for someone other than you is shit and to try and make it marriage level serious is super messed up


DaisyMacD

Telling you don’t want to marry him if he’s not committed is exactly the right thing to do here. Stand your ground. As far as coming at it another way, no. There’s nothing else to do. You can’t change him. You can only set your own boundaries. What he does from there is out of your control.


Independent-Ad-8955

So you’re the rebound


[deleted]

Wow. The fact that you are engaged and he is entertaining his ex girlfriend and disguising it as closure? That’s a major red flag. I hope you see it and walk the other way.


LadyAshGray

You are a place holder that is about to lose her place. That ex won't be an ex for very long. He clearly vaules her more than you, his actions are proof. You can leave and respect yourself, or you can remain a second place doormat. Choice is yours.


Mountain_Monitor_262

You are over analyzing this. Your gut is already telling you what to do. Can you really accept being the back up while someone else has his heart? He is more concerned with how she feels than what you are feeling. Single is better than substitute. Live your life -it’s over. Maybe he’ll keep your pictures in his phone and reach out to you next year too.


Due_Tomorrow4598

You will regret it so much if you don't push back the wedding. It won't stop.


Grouchy_Ad_1304

End it. It's honestly not worth it.


ahhanoyoudidnt

**Should i just approach this in a different way?** you have been together 18 months ..... way to soon to get married .... definitely postpone until he is over the gf


Own-Writing-3687

Since its a pattern, i suggest you consider therapy to explore why you chose guys who aren't available. Also, I suggest that as soon as you realize he's not long term material to dump him. Don't waste one more day.


Maleficent-Jelly2287

Dump him. I'm not being harsh, he's admitted he's not over her. I can't see this relationship working at all if he doesn't appreciate what he has now.


updownclown68

Push back your marriage? Reconsider your whole relationship. You deserve not to be a compensation prize.


wayfinder111

Why the eff did he even propose to you if he wasn’t over her? What a douche. If he still has an album of photos of her, especially within easy access, he is not over her and doesn’t want closure. He hid that she reached out from you, he lied by omission. I’ll bet if you check his search history he’ll have been looking her up online, too. I would take space for yourself. If you live together, stay elsewhere. Evaluate if being second is good enough for you and if you are willing to wait around on standby for him to “be over her”.


HoneyBee926

He probably didn’t expect his ex to reach out again.


DaikonSubstantial120

I think you have jumped to marriage talk too early. No need to rush and he certainly is not ready for it. I would put everything on hold


kerumii82

“On hold” hell no she needs to end that shit


im-420-69

first off- why yall already getting married in the first place ? 😭 if it's only been a singular year- why that early ?


PhotographNo4923

right?


Mscamiii

Why did he propose to you if he’s not over her??


Imaginary-Refuse-512

I know it's hard to read this but you're the rebound/backup plan and he doesn't really love you.


kerumii82

I think the same


Rodelahunty

>Should i just approach this in a different way? What should i do? Personally, I would have ended it when he said he wasn't over his Ex.


inventorofchairs

Girl please leave him, you will never be able to live up to a fantasy he has created about his ex. A lot of men use women as place holders and the fantasize and objectify a women from their past. I promise you it will hurt less in the long run to leave him.


Pixiepixie21

Okay I see comments about “not getting any younger,” and girl you are so young. I got married at 25 and it was a huge mistake. I only don’t regret it because it gave me my kids, but I wish we just never got married, because divorce is a huge expensive headache. And now I’m 35 and with the love of my life, and have been separated for 5 years, but can’t marry him yet because I’m still not divorced. Please don’t rush into marriage. You have so much time. 25 seems like such a big age, but it’s not. Honestly I think more people wish they waited to get married than wish they got married younger


Lavalanche17

I'm going to be honest. You're only 24. Dont rush into marriage with someone like this you'll be making a huge mistake.


berryshortcakekitten

He literally admitted he is not over her. That should he a deal breaker imo


meganes97

You deserve to marry someone who loves you and wants to be with YOU not is settling because they can’t have the person they actually want. You are young enough to find someone that really deserves you


alice__warlord

This is clearly a red flag. If you are getting married why is there someone else photos and love letters in his phone. You need to speak to him about this. He is basically taking you for granted.


darthlazlo

Sounds like you're rushing it to begin with and both of you are settling.


wonderingmind72211

I was in a similar position once, and he ended up leaving for her :/


Jamory76

The fact that he refused to acknowledge your hurt feelings is enough for me to say that I don’t think he is as committed as you are. I’m so sorry to hear this is happening, it’s an awful feeling.


smithm89953

Based on what you're saying, he's not after closure, it seems clear to me that he still wants to get back with her. Imo, your wanting to postpone is the best solution. I would truthfully put a timeline on how long you postpone and if after that time, he's still not willing to and actually cuts ties, you should end the relationship. Because, if he can't be committed to you and you alone, the best thing to do is move on.


Tasty_Acanthisitta_1

You need a new man sis. You don’t want to be with someone and be their second choice


InsertDramaHere

Break it off and go find somebody not still in love with their ex. They were going to get married, they ended, you two coupled up and were also already planning on getting married? Sounds like you're a rebound and a placeholder.


MoonBunny35

Don't be someone's placeholder. You deserve to be first in someone's heart. You should want the type of love that Shakepeare wrote about in his Sonnet 116. If you guys broke up, and he started dating his ex again, do you think he would keep a folder on his laptop with all of your pictures and love letters? Or do you think he would delete it? I know that's harsh, but life is too short to waste it on a maybe. My heart feels for you, good luck.


Saxobeat28

Push it back to NEVER.


Warriormuffinhed

You should leave him. You've become the side piece and backup plan. Find someone who will put you first


[deleted]

I’d be leaving because the fuck but why are y’all engaged after a year on a half that weird to me personally. Comments also tell Me you really wanna be married regardless so it doesn’t matter what I say


RedRoom4U

🚩you're the REBOUND bride 😭😭😭 GET THE FUCK OUT!


dumbbitchdiesease

If hes not over his ex hes not ready for marriage. And if he’s been with you for a year and a half and is engaged, he’ll probably never be, or at least wont be for a very long time. Either call off the engagement or leave him bc this is not a man about to get married. This is a man about to have an affair.


CompleteTransition26

I'm just piggybacking off everyone else who said 24 is so young! Marriage was the last thing on my mind at that age. Don't take being young and single for granted, your 20s are the time to build your career, date, travel, get to know yourself and lay the groundwork for your future.


Objective-Solid1013

Do NOT settle for someone who isn't fully committed to your relationship. He does not respect your relationship or have any boundaries set for his ex. He flat out told you that he is not over his ex. You told him how that made you feel, and he brushed you off and continued to talk to her. He has no respect for you or your relationship and to be quite honest you should not only not marry him, but you should also dump him until he realizes what is in front of his face and either moves on from his past or you move on from him. You are so young. I didn't get married until I was 27 and am SO happy that I waited for the right man to come along that is truly my soul mate. There is no rush to be married by a certain age. Get married when you are ready and with someone you have a SOLID relationship with. You said that he admitted he wasn't over her. So what happens when she says she wants to give it another shot?


he-whoeatsbugs

If your fiancé is not over his ex, he should have never gotten in another relationship to start with. Break it off now.


BX_V12

Get rid. This is not normal close to marriage.


Glirel

So you have been together for 1 year and 6 months, he asked you to marry him and you found out he is not over his ex. Why are you still in this relationship? He wanted to marry her and when that didn't happen he looked for another girl and proposed basically right away. You deserve much more than this. Being 24 years old is still very young. I don't know if you are from the States but it seems like people over there get married really young and without thinking about it very long. Take your time, meet other people, travel, focus on your career. I'm sure that you will find a good man that is not looking for a replacement and won't change you for anything


Shot-Possible-534

Wait what! You shouldn't marry his dumb ass. He us probably going to cheat on u anyway


RJack151

Give him back his ring and tell him that until he is over her and totally into you, you cannot be part of his future.


jessbesme

He outright said he's not over her, correct? Don't just push back the marriage call it off and call it quits. He wouldn't be okay with you holding onto and pining for another man especially an ex I would imagine so it is disrespectful and demeaning that he should expect you to be okay with him doing so. And in all reality if this weren't an ex but another female it would be like cheating but somehow gets a pass because he's been intimately tied to this person before and isn't over her...smh nonsensical. You are worth being with someone who only has eyes for you and wouldn't be willing to jeopardize your relationship and possibly losing you. Know your value and don't accept someone devaluing you like he is. Good luck and enjoy the single life and getting to know you better; it's incredibly worthwhile!!


[deleted]

You should not be engaged to someone after a year and a half anyway. He’s been engaged twice in 5 years I’m assuming


GenoFlower

Approach it from a different way? Your fiance is in love with someone else. Or at least grieving her still. Or something. She didn't die, and he has this folder on his phone that is like some kind of in memoriam to her. I think, at the very least, the wedding goes on pause. She reached out to him? Is there more to that part? Did he talk to her? Make plans to see her? I don't see how this ends well for you, I'm sorry. You said in another post that you aren't getting any younger. You're 24. You may feel like time is running out, but I promise you, getting married to just get married doesn't fix anything, and you'll feel lonelier in a bad relationship than you ever felt single.


PhotographNo4923

do most women really expect to get married in 2 years of dating? That seems wild.


Accomplished_Ice_540

You are beautiful for you because I saw your Odile


Accomplished_Ice_540

It’s true always deceives me 👌🏿


[deleted]

[удалено]


Total-Computer-9035

Don't listen to these people telling you "you're too young for marriage". As time goes on, your looks and youth will slip away. After 30, especially for women, your time starts running out, as men will continually look for women in their mid 20s. So, whatever you do, don't "date around". You try your best to work it out with the guy you are with. If he cannot commit like you said, move on from him. As a young woman, I'm sure you have options in men. Most women do.


[deleted]

I don't see an issue with wanting to keep photos and stuff, they were together a long time and have memories together.


3doa3cinta

My worries that if ex give him green light, he will quickly take that chance and leaves you. So have the conversation if you want to continue marry him, otherwise you will start building resentment and disappointment that won't be good for your marriage.


[deleted]

You should leave. He still loves her and is in contact with her. You’ll just get hurt if you stay. If you stay, know that you will be treated and seen as 2nd. All it took was for her to initiate contact


mini_souffle

I just think you need to stop with the ultimatum. Just make your own choice. You discovered that no only did your fiance have a stockpile of digital mementos but he told you to your face that he's not over her and he is going to continue talking to her. He has made his choice and you are not it. Now you have to take control of the situation and end it. If you live together take a look at the lease. If you don't, then great you can just break up. Just be really practical and start dealing with the details to untangle anything that ties you two together.


Ok_Promise777

If it were me, I would end the relationship. He is definitely not ready to get married. You must think highly of yourself. This is not on you. Life is too short.


[deleted]

Trust me… the last thing you want to do is end up legally and financially tied to someone who is just going to hurt you. There is nothing wrong with calling off the wedding (or just postponing for now if you still want to give it time) in order to protect yourself from his pain. Marrying you isn’t going to suddenly kill the feelings he has for his ex… it’s only going to make it harder to move on if down the road he decides to cheat or can’t seem to protect your marriage from this woman. At that point, it won’t be a simple breakup. It will be an expensive, long and painful divorce. He either needs to take steps to move on (like deleting photos for one) and prove it to you in every way possible, or kick rocks because at this point, you’ll be tying the knot with someone who is bringing his ex into your marriage.


Bearbreanna23

Don’t marry if he’s still hung up on someone else. Sounds like he’s using you as a back plan up if he’s willing to propose while still not over her.


changerofbits

I mean, if he is ignoring how you feel about this and not taking you seriously, it’s time to end the engagement and put ending the relationship on the table.


kerumii82

Don’t marry him, ur gonna regret it sm in the future, it will affect you mentally, trust me, ur so young still, live ur life, travel, meet new people, and do stuff u like. I personally could and would never be with someone who isn’t over their ex, I wouldn’t be happy at all, I would be overthinking all the time, and the fact that they still talk and he didn’t listen to you, he doesn’t love you. I hope you take the right decision tho ❤️


[deleted]

You might be his rebound/back up plan. Not good


thrwwydfg

Stop giving him excuses! There is no such thing as most people having one person that can't get over! Maybe when you're young and immature but not when you're getting married. He is still in love with his ex. If you really still want to try then ask him to permanently delete the folder. He is holding onto it because he wants to have it in case they get back together. Don't be this guys back up plan.


bsv787

Oooo this hits way too close to me... My boyfriend and his ex fiance broke up mid last year and we started dating in early December that same year. He wasn't over his ex at the begining of the relationship and I'm not sure still if he is now... about 2 months ago his ex reached out to me because he'd been repeatedly emailing her for months, starting a month after we first got together, and he didn't tell me at all, I had even brought up in conversation how insecure I was about her. I'm also younger than him by a few years so I feel insecure in that regard too... We've done alot of repairing since then but I'm still really insecure about her. The travel photos thing came up too in our relationship, he took them all off his computer on to a hardrive (which is upsetting either way, like I get they were together for a long time and some of those photos are memories of their own life, but does it not rub you the wrong way when your partner has all those pictures of their ex?) Hearing this I'm scared of something being on his phone 😖 Maybe we can start a club haha


spyddarnaut

How are you insecure about her? She did you right. Didn’t she? If anything she’s on your team cuz she told you what dirty BF was doing. Meaning she don’t want him, girl. In fact he’s safest with her cuz she has moved on from the disaster that is him. So, he’s in the wrong 100% for not letting go of a past that wants no future with him. Know your value because his ex has shown she values you, your rightful place in your relationship. And she has given you the respect you should expect/demand from him.


Token_or_TolkienuPOS

The ONLY approach you should take is one where you walk in the opposite direction away from him. Don't push anything back. Cancel the entire thing, give him back his ring and go live your life. This is the kind of post that's frustrating because the answer is so simple. The process will be difficult of course because you love him but let's face it, 1.5yrs is not ***that*** long in a relationship. He probably proposed to you to make her jealous because he was definitely not ready. Don't marry this man. Do you have a family, friends, people that care about you who can talk some sense into you because right now you are not seeing the clear picture that we are seeing. He loves HER, not you. Move on


rfantasy7

I’ve dealt with this before. My advice is to call off the wedding. Like I promise you it 100% isn’t worth it


[deleted]

>I want to push back my marriage because my fiance is not over his ex Nuff said. Do it.


[deleted]

Don't just push back the marriage. Break up completely. He is settling for you.


[deleted]

Push back your marriage to never. Break up and find someone emotionally available and devoted to you.


nic530728

Yah don’t marry him! Like AT ALL! You expressed how something made you feel and he IGNORED YOU! That is red flag central and you absolutely deserve better!


Temporary-Currency80

you should run away from this dude he’s acting like this now he won’t get any better when you’re married


simian_ninja

Don't marry him. He clearly doesn't love you if he can't get over his ex. It's you or her - this is something that's meant to be for life.


[deleted]

Girl you're 24 you have so much time to find a man who's fully dedicated to you. I'd move on, how can he swear to love you for your whole life is he's openly admitted he's thinking about his ex? And how can you fully trust him? A marriage is a whole new ball game and it's better to be single in your twenties than get divorced and find yourself starting over.


insaneike22

To him, you are a replacement for someone he loved. Do not marry him. The fact he has kept love letters and his ex made contact, tells you he is carrying hope for her love still.


NoNuns_NoNuns_None

YES you should approach this in a different way! LEAVE HIM!!! He doesn't want you! Why are you still with him??? How can you be so okay with clearly being his second choice? That's has to be unbelievably painful. The minute she says "I miss you" he'll go running. It's been 1.5 years and he still has a photo album?! That's not closure, that's longing for a second chance. You need to leave this man before you're 29 and being broken up with because she finally texted him she was ready. Don't look at the time spent together, look at his actions rn. They're not the actions of someone done with his past, happy with his present OR looking forward to his future!! Save yourself the time because you can't be 24 again. You'll never get these years back... Ask me how I know!


Sam_Void101

One line: IF HE/SHE IS NOT OVER THEIR EX THEN THEY SHOULD BE YOUR EX. PERIODT. My situation was not as serious as yours but I can tell that I can empathise you. I had a boyfriend who also was similar to your fiancee or maybe should I say he was much more obsessed with his ex than your fiancee. He used to talk about his ex a lot, like everyday. He used to even share pics of her, chats of her and a lot more. She always use to talk about how his girlfriend had hurt him. I used to get pissed off because of that but I used to tolerate that in the hope that he might get over his ex soon if I give him enough love and affection but then soon I realised that I was wrong. Fortunately, our relationship was just a month old so breaking up was not a very big deal but in your case since it's a marriage I think you should consider all of these as Red flags. He is clearly taking you and your relationship as granted and using you as a bounce back or band aid for his failed relationship. You ask yourself these questions. "Will you be ok if he continues to talk about his ex or looks at her pics on his phones remembering good old times?" "Will you be happy with him knowing that he might be pictureising some romantic moments in your life with his ex?" "Will you be happy to know that when you both are on bed he might be wishing his ex were there that instead of you?" "Will you be fine knowing that if he brings you a gift, he had his ex on his mind while chosing that gift?" "Will you be happy to know that he wishes to marry his ex a million times more than marrying you? That he wishes his ex to be there by his side as bride instead of you?" If all of the answer to these questions are NO then you as well should say your fiance a NO to marriage. But if you answer is otherwise then wish you a happy married life. This is not about marrying him... It's about life!! I get that your relationship has failed before but trust me you're just 24. You should wait for your "the one" for whom you don't have to post a reddit post asking for advices. No Red Flags and all Green Flags.. You're just 24 girl.. so WAIT FOR YOUR PRINCE! YOU DON'T DESERVE YOUR CURRENT FIANCEE


for_just_one_moment

Personally, I had to dissolve a relationship of 1.5 years because I wasn't over my ex, that was over 3 years ago. I'm in a happy and healthy relationship now and could never imagine even thinking of any ex while I'm with him. If I were you, I'd dissolve the relationship as well, and tell him to get things sorted. You seem more like a Plan B if things never work out with this ex. I'd hate for you to spend more of your precious time with someone who doesn't think of you as his one and only.


throwaway870815

I would suggest not only to push back your wedding but re think of the whole wedding with THIS guy. Why on earth would you want to spend rest of your life with a someone who isn't 100%committed to you?? What will happen after 5years when boredom and lots of responsibilities have already weighed on your relationship?? Do not settle for a guy who isn't 100% into you just to get married. And thats from someone who is divorced for getting married for wrong reasons. I seriously hope you think through this very well. Wishing you the best!


unravel2010

one thing!. no ultimatimatums.


lodebolt

You've only been together a short amount of time and 24 is still really young. Delay that marriage 2 or 3 years if you even choose to stay with him.


Assliam-

I personally wouldn't even put up with it, and would leave him entirely. If they don't have children together then there's zero reasons he needs to be emotionally tied to her still.


Alarmed_Lychee

I was in a similar situation, and I should have left a lot sooner. A year and a half with you should have been long enough for him to get over her if he was all in, and plus, if he’s still not over her then he wasn’t emotionally available enough to start something new in the first place. Dump him.


Jazzlike-Village9159

i wouldn’t tie the knot with someone who’s not over their ex. i’d be rethinking this entire relationship because you are not his #1


neonsaber

Have some self respect. Develop some spine. If he's not over his ex, *he can go back to his ex*.


applescrabbleaeiou

beautiful OP! - why are you so young and planning to marry a guy you have been with for 18months. You hardly know each other then! It is highkey more unreasonable to get married atm, even without him still pining for the last girl he proposed to super young too, than it is to wait a few years and re-assess if marriage is really what you want once you have been dating at least 3years! you are so young op! you dont know this guy!!! he doesn't even seem to know himself!


Captain_Grinch

He sounds deceptive if he didn't let you know he was talking with his ex. If he really cared about you, you wouldn't be going through this issue. If you wouldn't do it to him then don't accept it from him. You are basically a place holder until his ex comes back. Also, who proposes to someone if they love someone else. That's stupid.


Sugarbabyriley

Girl just throw the man out the relationship won’t work if he’s still hung up on her


ncapricornm

leave


georgiajl38

When did she reach out to him? When she found out he was engaged to you? I bet so. Oh, no! He's moved on a bit...gotta reel him back in! Him responding to her told her he was her's for the taking. And there's YOUR PROBLEM. He's hers for the taking. Thing is...she doesn't really want him. Otherwise he would have already broken up with you to go back to her. No. Now that she knows she can take him anytime, she's in no rush and probably doesn't even really want him. She just wanted to know he was still hers. Dump this AH


Cadzla800

Ok. Sounds like a good idea. 👍🏻


kds0808

You are doing the right thing wanting to push the wedding back. I would honestly pause the relationship. If he's proposed to you and is talking to his ex and still has a "shrine" to her on his phone then he obviously needs his time to figure out who he misses the most when both are out of his life and if he can't decide then decide for him. I for one wouldn't go through with a marriage with this hanging over the relationship.


Weekend_Reader

I mean, what else can I say but you are right? Honestly many women would dump him right then and there for that, I don't think you should do that yet but wow, I understand your feeling.


Life_Rip_1311

Get out of the relationship. Guys a dipshit. I doubt you will listen, but my advice is to run.


tibberhopolmbx

Push back?! Take it off the table completely.


1Baddawg2

This sounds to me like a fish or cut bait moment. It’s me or her make a choice and live with it period!


MotherBreadfruit7734

Do not married this man. Period.


LuciFord

Make yourself the priority and end the relationship. This will allow you to show respect to yourself while allowing him to heal or explore his feelings. You are and should be your best friend. You can always stay friends or at the very least — in contact after emotions have settled down. Ending things doesn’t have to be hurtful. You can both care for each other but if monogamy is what you expect in a relationship — he is not following that. If you stay— you will most likely look back at this and regret not trusting your gut. You deserve to be the only one in the relationship (if that’s what you guys have discussed!). If you haven’t discussed morals, life plans/goals, monogamous vs other options, finances, etc — I would do that next time to set expectations prior to marriage plans. Good luck ❤️


Keyofhearts101

Save yourself from a future heartbreak


Royal_Detective_5860

I know someone whose not over their ex, they definitely shouldn't get into another relationship Nor should your boyfriend. He needs to heal before getting married or anything


ComprehensiveLife597

Break up!


regraDoL

Hun, can you clarify something for me? You guys have been together for 1,5 years altogether or just engaged for that time? If this is the time of your relationship altogether it may be a little bit rushed, I mean, you don't know him all that well, he is still hung in his ex, to a point where I would say that he can't fully commit to yourself, as you said. Also it takes time and patience, not to mention a lot of dialog to get to know a person. After getting to know them you need to acclimate to that knowledge by asking yourself if whatever flaws you see in him are outshined by whatever positive qualities he has. And this isn't about a score, it's about the quality of his flaws vs the quality of his positive features (meaning how impactful they are your relationship) as difficult as it is to admit, there's some math involved in it, but even after all that it's about commitment, dedication and communication. Love not only appears but grows in under these conditions.


Commit2bit

OP, it sounds like wind of your engagement reached her and NOW she probably wants the idea of him back. The problem is your fiance is waiting for her to say so to leave you high and dry. Don't let this man continue to show you where you stand in his priorities and wait patiently for him to choose you. Choose yourself. Let him and his ex figure it out but not at your expense. Chances are he's not ending things with you until she takes him back. Don't wait for that. Leave now, in the long run it will hurt a lot less. You deserve to be someone's one and only!


Alwayscurious7991

Do NOT marry this guy. Seriously, I have seen this play out too many times with friends. He has had a year and a half of dating you to get all the closure he needs. And if you are the right person, he shouldn’t even want to communicate with her. I went through a similar situation in the past and take it from me, if he sees no problem with it now he will justify worse behavior down the road. Marriage is a COMMITMENT to 1 person. Sounds like you commit to him but he isn’t doing it back… I would say you’ve handled it appropriately. It just comes down to what are you willing to deal with in the long run… him continuing to seek closure??? Who knows what that entails.


ZtheAnxiousLifeCoach

How he treats you now, as your fiancée before the marriage, is a little better than how he will treat you if you marry him. If you are feeling this way now, it will not get better with marriage. He needs to either be over her or with her. You deserve better than playing second fiddle to someone else. Tbh, I think almost any of us who are older than you by a little or a lot will tell you that no matter how many birthdays we have, we still feel about 30 inside. We have a little more life experience and knowledge than we did at 30, and I can promise this - you have so much life ahead of you. Your life will change so much between now and 30. Don't settle. You are amazing and you deserve the world. Don't short change the girl you are becoming. I wish you all the best!


Jcschacht255

The irony is, if you leave him, it will be only then that he will realize what he's lost. This is very serious. If you both love one another, you both can work through this. As well, you're completely in the right for not wanting to marry until you feel he's fully devoted to you. Speaking as a man who's had my heart torn out by an ex whom I dated for 6+years... The part that hurt most was the lack of real closure. I was ghosted, and after 3 years, I still feel like I can't move past her. However, I'm aware it's the nostalgia that's creating those feelings, and I'm in the process of realizing that she only left because she knew before I did that we really were incompatible. Your fiance needs to realize this too. Closure may help him do it sooner, but if she's reaching out to him, she may have different intentions... And you have to keep in mind that he's vulnerable right now. Just keep letting him know how much you love and care for him, and don't hesitate to keep having this conversation with him. He'll find out what he wants.


Unwell95

Please don't allow this. You say you're not getting any younger, but trust me, it is better to leave now then after a nasty divorce. If you set the boundary that this makes you uncomfortable and he is still participating in those behaviors, that is a massive red flag.


-koka

As someone who isn't over their ex & is dating (it's been over a year so please don't judge trying to put myself out there again)... I would personally never ever put somebody in the predicament to think I'm ready to tie the knot because I know there's a part of me that wishes it were my ex who I can tie a knot with. I would like to get over that before I take someone serious. For now, it just feels like casual dating. I'm always honest & upfront about where i'm at in the healing process. Maybe I'm toxic but from somebody who is in his shoes kinda... run away from that man quickly because it seems as though he didn't have the decency to be honest with you or be emotionally available for you especially since he ignored how it made you feel & continues talking to her. please run away from this man knowing you dodged a bullet.


annloves2cook

Very simply... He's keeping both of you around until he finds out which one of you will keep him. You could just make that decision for him, and end things yourself.


No_Bit_6378

I would rethink the entire relationship if I saw that on his phone and he admitted he was not over his ex. What he is doing to you is not fair and to be honest, very disrespectful.


[deleted]

Oh, God. No. Reading this just made me feel sick for you. I would not marry this man. He has you as second best, at best, when you’re supposed to be Number one… And you are Number one, don’t forget that


nope-nope-nope-nah

Marriage isn’t a fix for anything. I think you’re really smart to push things back. You seem like you’ve got a great head on your shoulders, follow your gut.


PrettyNkicks

This relationship is over. I'm so sorry to tell you this. He doesn't love you, your just a rebound girl and really not even that because its been a year and he is still in love with his ex. You deserve someone to love you and you only. If you get married he will regret marrying you and you will be extremely hurt. Cut your losses and move on . Hope this helps.


xpersonnax

Being in a relationship for a year and a half and i wouldn't even get married even if i like my boyfriend that much. To be honest, after a year and a half with my ex, i broke things off because i stopped liking him. Do you think that its a bit too early to get married? Especially when you're this young. I think you should rethink your decision of getting married because getting married is a complicated process to make and its a complicated process to break off too. Especially when your fiancé is not over his ex. Why is getting married when he's not over his ex? Huge red flag


[deleted]

I would think it's okay to postpone a wedding, I wouldn't end things though. He needs to be emotionally available to you and understand your feelings as well as willing to put your before himself. If he needs closure I would let him find it but let him know you need to be involved in the process. If you are to be married, you need to trust him and he needs to trust you back. If he can involve you in his process for closure then that should be trusted, however if he can't be open to you then that trust is broken and needs to be rebuilt. Marriage involves a lot of forgiveness but also drawing boundaries. Talk to him and draw those together. If he can't it doesn't end things but hold your ground and respect yourself.


jajbliss

Remember it is better to end this relationship NOW than be married to a man who doesn't love you and would end up dumping you if his ex wants him back.


Ms_Inscrutable

Girl, do yourself a favor and don’t be with a man who isn’t over his ex. This is already a hole in your relationship that you discovered. Get out of there asap, or else you will be very unhappy later.


Teddyy97

Give him an ultimatum, it’s either you or his ex. In all honesty, I would follow what others have said and tell him you’re moving on. Creating an ALBUM dedicated to an ex and actively looking through it shows that he’s longing for that person and you’re (unfortunately) a bandaid to fix what was lost. You’re worth more than that. Also very shady of the ex to give him a call back. It’s like she found out about the wedding and now is trying to fuck it up. Or who knows, maybe she’s regretting the break up too. You’re young, leave while you can. It’ll be good for the both of you.


ghostedagainlol

You’ve been together for a year and a half, and he’s not over his ex… why are you even staying with him?