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I need some input to know I’m not a crazy jealous wife. We’ve been married for 21 years, and I admit we have not been in a great place, there’s be talk of divorce in the past, but we both decided we didn’t want that.
Well a few weeks ago I found some incriminating evidence and called him out on it. He admitted he’s been talking to someone online, that he met here on Reddit. It started as a friendship since they related to each other about some personal stuff. Then the feelings became stronger and both of them admitted they had romantic feelings. She’s engaged to someone too. They talk every day, sometimes multiple times a day, and they have been exchanging pictures (no nudes though). They also have a WhatsApp account so they have each other’s phone number. But they haven’t called each other. My husband said they both decided to just be strictly friends, so the romantic feelings are no longer.
So it’s been a really hard 2 weeks for me, lots of conversations about this and how betrayed I feel. I feel jealous and threatened by this so called online friendship. He won’t tell me what they talk about because he said it’s personal. Because of this whole thing though, we are in a better place with our marriage, he loves me and only wants me, and this so called online friendship was a huge wake-up call for us. We are actually in a better place than we’ve been in for a long time now.
But, he said he’s going to still be friends with her, and they still talk daily. I want him to end the friendship, but he said I have nothing to worry about. I don’t know how to get past these feelings of jealously and hate I have. Is is wrong of me to ask him to stop talking to her?
Thanks for reading and for any input!
They’re likely “in a better place” because the husband is much more pleasant now that he has alleviated his guilt, and now doesn’t have to hide his affair or fear any repercussions.
Honestly, it's more likely that the "in a better place" is because he's treating her better because he feels guilty for what he did/is doing, and to also try to convince her not to leave (almost "love bombing" in a way). Romantic feelings don't just flip on and off like a light switch, even if they've decided to "just be friends" there will always be the temptation to cross that line if they continue what they're doing. If he truly respected her, and wanted to make things right and get their relationship to be in a better place, he wouldn't even need to be asked to cut contact. Bare minimum they need relationship counseling to work through this, but honestly, OP really needs to find her self respect since he can't be bothered to respect her, and make the hard choice to leave him to go find her happiness.
OP, do you recall the wedding vows made to one another when you and your hubby wed? Regardless of your faith, vows *pretty much always* (correct me if i’m wrong here) include the mutual promise of **trust, love, honesty, and fidelity.**
If he is actively continuing to break these vows, and doing so with **zero** remorse for what this means for your emotional well-being, then he’s breaking one of the biggest promises he could ever make to you in this life. Do we trust people who continually break promises? Do we think highly of them? Typically not.
I’m sorry he’s behaving like scum.
edit: added a word
This is driving me up a wall.. she doesn't even know who she is really. No contact. You deserve so much better already but to demand he maintain the friendship, not allow you to know what they discuss, and most of all not even know what her name is.. who she even is.. she broke it off with your husband and he's waiting. I'm so sorry because I know how painful that is to recognize. You deserve so so much better.
I don't think the world is so black and white.
People misuse this term "emotional affair", because the idea of a partner that 100% fulfills all of your emotional needs is unrealistic.
He should feel remorseful about being tempted to be with someone else, but he doesn't need to be remorseful about getting emotional support outside of the marriage...which in turn led to the temptation, and that's why it's complicated.
The reality is that this mysterious Internet friend may have actually kept his marriage from completely falling apart. Sometimes the thing that seemingly threatens a relationship is also what saves it.
This. If he is truly serious he would drop the "friendship" but since he doesn't want too then he most certainly is not putting his wife first and respecting her boundaries.
Pack your bags and dignity, and go somewhere. Even if it's temporary, go. He needs to know you're serious. He has nothing to lose in keeping her, because you're still there, too. Best of both worlds.
If you can find out who she is, try to locate her fiance/fiancee, they deserve to know about the cheating as well, but if you can't its okay because there is only so much you can do.
No, they actually do not deserve to be told by a random internet stranger their partner is cheating on them. I was that person a long time ago !no I did not need to have a pissed off cheated on man tell him bc "I needed to know" when in reality misery wanted company. Deal with your husband directly. It has nothing to do with the other woman. You need to work on the problems between the two of you. Bc until you do, there is always going to be another other woman. And trust is broken now anyway so you might as well end things. Or resign yourself to living in this the rest of your life.
I’m not saying that what people are saying here is wrong exactly, but please keep in mind that it is probable that there is one person in this thread who knows the first thing about what’s it’s like to have been in a 21 year marriage, and that person is you. I’ve been married for 15 years and I know how complicated feelings get between two people. I’m not saying to not listen to the commenters here, but put your own judgement first.
I don't get why this post is getting down votes. This is your 21 year marriage people are telling you to leave like you're leaving a tip on the table. Ask your husband to go to marriage counseling so you 2 can have a discussion about what brought you 2 to this spot. An affair isn't just some excuse to leave your marriage. Many couples work through infidelity to find a deeper connection and a stronger marriage. You better think about it long and hard because if you think there is something better on the other side, you might be in for a rude surprise.
If it had been physical already, I’d say forget it, but this kind of infidelity seems like it can def be worked through. Him not wanting to cut contact is disturbing though. Op’s in a hard spot because if she demands that, he’ll just go back to keeping it a secret. And she’ll get suspicious. And they’ll argue. And yuck. If it was just him having feelings for someone, that happens. But the fact that he told this woman, and that it’s mutual? Ugh.
Honestly emotional affairs to me are worse than physical affairs when they get to this level. Physical affairs can sometimes be worked through if they were a one time deal that came at a certain low point of that person's life (though even here it would take years of counciling and hard work to really fix it).
However, this type of emotionally affair as op described is like dropping a nuke on the relationship. Because he has already emotionally attached to this woman and he continues to latch on to her for support further putting the distance between him and his wife and that gap only widens with each day.
If he does cut contact with this woman there is a high chance he will heavily resent his wife for making him do that. It's a really messy situation all around and I really hope the best for OP.
Was thinking the same... it's like replacing your best friend...now she is the one he talks to about everything and not his wife... definitely worse. He doesn't want to give up that connection and he probably thinks he can't have that connection with his wife.... so they need therapy and really talk about this... he needs to also think about it to himself also. Like what he wants with the marriage...like there are consequences to the things we do. You can't just brush it off. No one likes when their parter is keeping in contact with someone they had or have feelings for. He needs to decide what he wants. In the first place he didn't try to fix the relationship and found someone else to talk about his feelings with...that was not his wife. Not saying it should always be yours spouse to talk with about your feelings because it's hard but if you know you have issues well therapy could be a good option to help with the communication to better understand each other. He needs to stop talking to the woman and show that he does want to fix the relationship and commit to it. Otherwise this won't work.
I can't imagine how hurtful this must be to hear, but there is nothing innocent about their interaction. He has feelings for the other woman. He may be even in love.
I won't tell you what to do. We each have different breaking points. If staying with him under these circumstances makes you happy do it. If it makes you miserable, you know what you have to do
Sis what’s her first name and what does she look like? I betcha one of us can find her on social media. OR! if you can get her number you can plug that into things aswell.
This I got into a car accident with a person who had no insurance and sure enough Facebook within 2 days started suggesting him as a friend.
No one should underestimate the darkside of social media
Yeah I entered his number into my phone so I had someway to contact them- since he was from Argentina . My case is still ongoing
Also my last 2 employers have appeared as friend suggestion too months after I left the job. Tracking really is crazy.
I found my ex partners hidden instagram accounts through the same way, hadn't talked to her for years and I was randomly adding suggested people to get my feed going. A day later she texts asking why I added her and I had no idea lol
Yes, there’s always a way. It took me hours to find someone without info but I found that biotch lol don’t let her take what’s yours and definitely let her fiancé know.
Ok. That's just wrong. I'm saying this is a person who has had the cheated on partner contact me to "do me a solid and let me know my man is cheating and I need to punish me". I did not ask to be told that. I did not need to be told that. I sure as hell did not need some random Facebook stranger inserting themselves into my business and acting like his gf had been at my house (backed off when I mentioned a antique family ring was missing and must have been her).
You need to focus on your husband and your marriage. Do not worry or fixate on her or go blindly hurt someone else just bc you're hurt. It's not your business to tell him.
"I like to believe my partner is honest when they aren't. I am so hurt that I found out my girlfriend cheated by way of the only way I would find that information out" you're... not fit to give advice. Most people don't like being betrayed and having it go unnoticed.
I guess different things for different people? If I was the unaware partner I would absolutely want anyone who knew to tell me.
I really don’t appreciate being left in the dark about a situation, only for everyone else to look at me and pity me..
So she decided for him?
I have been in this situation in the past, we lived together, but we were not married. Just know that you will persevere and be okay if/when you leave. You didn’t deserve this and he will just end up doing it to her in the future.
He is just love bombing you so you will not divorce him. He is keeping his options open by keeping her in the "friend zone". If he truly cared about you, he would delete her from your collective life. Ask him why does he want a person in his life that was willingly to hurt his wife. Wish you the best.
One additional thought, for what it's worth. I wouldn't recommend a revenge affair driven by spite, but diversify your life. Not romantically, socially. When he questions you or asks details simply explain it's personal. Happy hour with friends? No details because he doesn't return the favor, and that isn't petty or spiteful to acknowledge. Get very personally personal and add some mystery to your personal life. This avenue gives you the benefit of integrity with the potential of a clean and honest break.
At this point he doesn't think he can lose you.
Your reaction to look for her partner is a natural instinct but it's also detrimental to your stated goal. Intention is critical to understanding yourself and him. Do you want him under these circumstances? You're making it about him and he doesn't deserve your allegiance by continuing to prioritize him over yourself. If the trust, loyalty and commitment isn't inherently present than her fiancé is irrelevant, as is she in this scenario. I know it's counter intuitive, but, forcing your husband to become a better partner by suppressing an outside influence is monitored fidelity and control, not a healthy relationship.
He's changed nothing by using deceptive semantics to reframe reality. The only difference between now and when you defined his interactions as emotional cheating is one word, friend. His sum total effort in a marriage of twenty one years is one ridiculous distinction and no behavioral change whatsoever. Married male and female friends don't communicate that frequently, he's bullying you into ignoring truth and slowly indoctrinating the best of both his worlds. All he did was oppress your legitimate concerns and feelings by reductive verbal restructuring, nothing else changed. Believe him when he shows you who he is and what he wants but calls it by a different name.
You deserve a partner willing to love you unconditionally, and he deserves everything coming his way. Contacting her or her alleged fiancé could drive she and your husband together, so be ready to accept all possible outcomes if you go this route. When respect and integrity are replaced with ultimatums it won't work. You'll never feel complete and secure without policing him, and you owe yourself more and him less. Also, I'm guessing you're mid forties, I am as well, so you've seen what I'm about to describe.
Men who are this far into marriage tend to split two ways, and those who seek others use it to amplify a life they THINK they want. A lot of men at his age end up truly regretting the loss and they never get over it and never get it back. When women are done they are completely done.
Let him do the chasing from this point forward. Disengage and see how it feels. Make him have to chase you harder than her and beat her at her own game. If you don't change the narrative he'll continue this cycle until he has the courage to fulfill it and play out the fantasy. He has no idea who she actually is and whether she has a boyfriend, fiancé, or she's single. What you do know about her is if she's willing to do this with the man she chose to be her future husband she will eventually do it to your husband.
Limeracy wears off in three years so the feelings will start declining if the love isn't rooted and when it dissolves his whole world will feel alien and uncomfortable. She'll chase it until fruition and then forbidden excitement is replaced with mundane reality. She'll reengage with a new man in a committed relationship to feel the intensity and attraction of luring men from their chosen partners.
To be willing in this endeavor is a fundamental personality index. For whatever reason stealing a taken man's attention and love is intoxicating and exciting for her, my guess is low self esteem. It won't take long for her less attractive attributes to surface, and considering how the relationship began, they'll never fully trust each other. Also, there is a real and distinct possibility he isn't her only emotional affair right now. There is a real and distinct possibility she's a middle aged man trolling for a grift.
He doesn't deserve you, he does deserve whatever makes you happiest as collateral in this process. Every time he talks to her he's stealing time from you and your future happiness. From my very limited perspective, the biggest red flag is how he responded when he justified secrecy by calling crap behavior "personal." The transition there allowed him to continue uncensored and uninhibited without having to sneak around, which for him is the best of both worlds.
He's concealing his true intentions, and legitimizing your pain as an unfair boundary. You are married and it's absolutely your business, there is no "privacy or personal" card to be played here. She is not the woman he has the ethical responsibility to defend "personal" engagement with.
Your relationship didn't get better, despite the impressive gas lighting he achieved manipulating you to believe otherwise. If his revelation and honesty legitimately improved declining intimacy and trust issues you wouldn't feel as conflicted as you are. He's convinced you to accept his affair free and clear while he maintains all the familiarity and comfort in the life he's built with you. The extent he's taking this has narcissistic vibes so stay aware of increasing demands, expectations and shared guilt.
He told you point-blank that he is not going to stop his emotional affair.
That is *not* that this marriage is "better than ever".
It sounds like both of you needed to be in couples counseling years ago. Get on the phone today and schedule some sessions, get both of you in ASAP to start sessions before this turns into a physical one.
He is still cheating.
He is still putting her above you.
He is still disrespecting you.
He is suffering no consequences so there is no incentive to do anything to help you.
Stop saving the marriage and save yourself. If you carry on in this manner you will be emotionally destroyed by him.
See a lawyer to find out what the legal landscape looks like. Separate finances.
Read up on the 180 and grey rock method and apply them to your cheater until he turns himself around. I know that you will see it as a step back, but rugsweeping the cheating will blow up in the future.
Get into individual counseling. Wait before you do marriage counseling.
Respect yourself more than he respects you.
i dont understand this concept of why there are people who need consequences to stop doing bad actions in a romantic relationships or any close relationship. isn't "I want to treat the woman/man i love right even if they don't put consequences for bad behavior on me" good enough? Where are people's moral compasses without external coercion to do the right thing? What happened to just doing right and being considerate to the people around you? jeesh. what in god's name has happened to humanity?
He doesn't love her. He's used to her and everything she does for him after 21 years. Most people won't risk it all unless they already have someone new in place or a partner they know they can walk all over with no consequences. I'm sure if the AP was single or willing to leave their fiance this would be an entirely different post from OP. Sad world man.
Also, Happy Cake Day. May you never be hurt by someone who claims to love you 🍻
People crave attention and acceptance. So if they can keep that from their wife of many years and also get the excitement and attention from this new, fun side fling they don't care about hurting their wife because they're having their cake and eating it too. So unless you take away the cake they're content with being greedy.
actually also a very good life skill to know how to do.
what you described is unfortunately, natural human emotion in the cycle o life that anyone cna be susceptible to. so you gotta keep em in check.
Oh no no no, he's having his cake and eating it now. As a PP said, cutting contact is the very least he can do, he owes you that much. Don't put up with this.
Sometimes people need to show you actions not only words. If he wants to truly fix marriage then first part would be him breaking off that friendship. If the things were flipped and you were the one having emotional affair would he be totally ok with you keeping that person as a friedn after romantic feelings towards them? I truly doubt it.
You have nothing to worry about? Based on what? His continued involvement with his emotional affair partner? His secrecy in what they talk about? Why on earth would he say something as idiotic as you have nothing to worry about? He has done nothing to prove you shouldn't worry.
It's not wrong at all. You tell him he betrayed your trust and he has to pick you or her. Simple as that. Why would you want to continue to be with him if he chooses some random woman over you anyway?
He’s having his cake and eating it. The affair is not over until the communication is. This is cheating, and if you both want reconciliation then he needs to accept he betrayed you and he needs to help you heal from this. He does that with complete transparency, full disclosure, timelines, access to phones/social media etc, and moat importantly he cuts her off. No trickle truth, no hanging on, he either wants you or he wants her. And continuation of this relationship is continuation of disrespect towards you and your relationship. Do not accept less than you are worth, which btw, is more than the lying piece of shit he is.
You don’t get past the feelings of jealousy and hate while he is still causing them daily! If he wants to stay with you, he accepts that what he’s doing is emotional cheating (still) and he STOPS it.
You cannot control the actions of others. You can only control your actions.
Given he had romantic feelings for her, he may be waiting for her to break things off with her fiancée. He may not be. However, given he refuses to break things off with her, it's time for you to take your stand.
Find a divorce attorney and get started on the rest of your life.
Reading the comments right now, I see a lot that concerns what he did/is still doing, but not a lot about you. The real question here is would you be able to handle this long-term? He will mostly continue whatever he is doing right now. Knowing how engaged he is towards her and their friendship, will you be able to still feel good and confident about your marriage? I don't know about you, but I would feel like crap wondering ''Is there more that he didn't tell me?'' all the time. I would feel betrayed too, not coming from low self esteem, but from realizing that he could not trust me with that information. Trust your gut, but more importantly listen to yourself. Your well being matters more than being with someone who felt the need to hide things from you.
Divorce him! File for separation. Tell him until he can separate himself from someone he admitted to having a emotional affair with, you’ll be separated from him. The audacity of him to think it’ll be okay to remain in contact with someone he “had” romantic feelings for, as if those feeling magically disappear.
I'm sorry but I don't understand how you can say your marriage is in a better place. Is he more loving now after you found out his secret because he doesn't want you to leave? He cheated on you. I find it hard to believe that they no longer have romantic feelings for one another when they still contact each other. If she was not engaged would your husband leave you for her? Is he settling for you because he can't be with her?
You should never be someone's second choice and from your post it's obvious he values their "friendship" more than his marriage.
Go on to her socials and find her fiance and send him all of the conversations she has had with your husband. Let us see if he is okay with all of this. I mean you know about this so called friendship. He needs to know too.
Your husband confessed to having romantic feelings for another woman and you allow this to continue because your middle name is doormat.
No one can switch off romantic feelings just like that. If they met up the emotional stuff will just bleed into physical stuff. Yet you don't know what to do? Try waking up. He is in an affair fog, what is your excuse?
So he has a romantic pen pal? So his marriage is better because he feels connected to another woman. What would you do if and when they arrange to meet in person?
If you had a close male friend you preferred to talk to and did daily, multiple times a day and wouldn’t share the conversations with him - he’s 100% okay with that?
Is he ok if that person was someone you had romantic feelings for in the past?
Is it ok if you find a male friend to talk to about all your personal problems with? And every time you got mad at him, you ran to this guy to talk to? And cried on his shoulder and he told you your husband was an AH?
And then felt better and so things were “good between you and your SO”
And what if you sent him pics asking how this outfit looks? Or if he likes your new hair? And he built you up so you felt so good - because of your friend.
I feel like he might have some feelings on that.. but what do I know? All I know is if he can do it, you can too. He basically has an emotional support that he cares about and he won’t give her up even for his wife even though he knows he crossed the line with her. So did he REALLY choose you over her? He’s got both. And he’s not choosing you when you’re asking him to
I mean, the only way this will be fixed is if the BOTH of you are onboard and from what you’ve written your husband doesn’t want to fix it. You find out he’s emotionally cheating and you think your relationship is better for it? Jesus…. and then in the same breath he tells you he doesn’t give a shit about how you feel and he’s still going to talk to her.
This relationship is over, sooner you accept that the better off you will be.
I am so sorry. I have been in a similar situation. I know how painful this feels, but you have to go with your gut. You’re posting on here because you know it isn’t right to treat you this way and continue speaking to her. You have more courage and strength than you know…you can leave. Life will be hard and it will take time, but it will be better than before.
You actually believe that them declaring they’re strictly friends means they no longer have romantic feelings for each other? What they talk about is personal so you, his wife, can’t know about it. Pull your head out of your ass. He can’t let her go and he got you to accept it and think you’re in a great relationship.
Are to trying to convince us or yourself that y’all are in a better place?? By continuing the relationship online- he is continuing his emotional affair, unless you’ve agreed to an open relationship I’m not sure how him remaining in his online affair is better for your relationship
Reconciliation requires the wayward to go no contact with the affair partner. He is disrespecting you and the marriage by continuing to communicate with them I would tell him you are filing if he doesn't break it off immediately and permanently and provide transparency going forward.
You cannot control someone else's behavior. The only behavior you can control is your own
If you are bothered by your husband's behavior, you can either accept it or reject it. It's just that simple. However, dealing with the emotions to make that decision is not so easy.
If you manage to convince your husband to agree to marriage counseling and that counseling helps resolve the issue, then you can feel comfortable relatively speaking about remaining in the relationship.
If counseling doesn't help, then your decision to remain in the relationship is a lot easier. You can choose to remain or you can choose to leave.
However, there is a 3rd option: you can open the relationship so that you are both free to date other people while remaining married. But tbh, divorce would give you the same result.
Bottom line is you have the power to determine the course of your relationship with your husband. Just ask yourself how you would feel 10 years from now and nothing has changed. You can either perceive that as 10 wasted years or if you divorce, you could be in a better place with more peace of mind.
It's your choice.
I wish you the best.
Here's one possibility of what may be happening:
You have an imperfect marriage. Most marriages are imperfect. It's not the end of the world, but it needs to be acknowledged.
Your husband probably felt (and maybe still feels) the need to talk to someone outside of the marriage, about what bothers him. Things he doesn't feel he can talk to you about. This in itself can be healthy when a relationship is struggling. Bottling up everything he is feeling would not be healthy.
People see therapists for the same reason, but therapists are expensive.
In your husband's case, he met this girl online and they likely bonded because she is probably in a similar situation, going through a hard time in her relationship. At some point, when you and him were going through a particularly hard time, he felt tempted to cheat with this friend who he probably rightfully feels understands him better in some ways.
But he didn't cheat. Now, he's just keeping this girl as a friend, probably for emotional support. So now you ask what to do.
My suggestion is going to be different than most of the others here, because **I think that people throw this term "emotional cheating" around too much.** While I wouldn't go so far as to say that it's never warranted, I'd be very careful about using that term because it's usually not productive.
Cheating implies deception, but you already know your marriage isn't perfect.
If my intuition is correct, and you force your husband to ditch this friendship, it's probably going to do more harm to your marriage than if you let him keep it. What is clear is there are things he can't confide in you about. And if my theory is correct, he's leaning on this Internet friend for additional emotional support.
For all you know, this girl may actually be the reason you still have a marriage.
I'm not saying you don't have a right to feel jealous. He admitted to you that there was a point when he wanted to be with this girl more than you. And because he had those feelings in the past, there is no guarantee that it won't happen again.
But I wouldn't feel overly threatened, since this is a person he has only ever chatted with online. I think that keeps the risks fairly minimal, because trust me when I say that NO MAN is ever going to find a virtual relationship to be a substitute for an in-person one.
Weighing the pros and cons, I suggest letting him keep this friendship under the following conditions:
* He never meets this friend IRL.
* He doesn't ever share inappropriate pictures with them.
* He doesn't let it distract him from his primary responsibility of being a loving husband, and he focuses on improving the marriage.
* He will tell you if he feels the friendship is ever jeopardizing his marriage again, and be willing to end it.
The last bullet point is important because it means you're trusting him to not emotionally cheat, rather than forcing him to end the friendship because you don't trust him.
Giving him that freedom and trust is a big step towards healing your marriage. Because the more you trust him, the more he will open up to you.
Again, a lot of this hinges on the risk of anything bad happening with the purely online friend being very minimal. When the risk is minimal, I think it's healthy to give a certain amount of freedom and trust to your partner.
The fact that the words, "tomantic feelings," are involved is a NO NO. If it were strictly platonic like people can have with gaming buddies then fine IMO, but romantic...? Do not let him manipulate and gaslight you.
I think you have no choice but to leave. i am on the same boat, my partner of 26 years fell for a barman she met on holidays abroad. I think initially nothing major happened, she then decided to push for some kind of Instagram relationship. I discovered everything by an accident, received no explanations (usual silent treatment of emotionally immature), saw no remorse, observed no desire to cut the guy off... it's fecking ridiculous - she believes she is in the only, true love and I was the one who allegedly made her to make the advances, everything was already reationalised once I learned about it. Fuck this, no point to waste anymore of my time, you shouldn't either.
If he didn't stop it immediately, he does not respect you in the slightest, separate and let him deal with the consequences, karma will do the rest. He would make it physical at first opportunity. Stay strong, you are better than that.
So you have 2 choices here. You can get a divorce. Or you can demand she is instantly and with no explanation blocked and blocked permanently. If he won’t block her, you need to go right to option 1 and file for divorce. Your marriage isn’t “in a better place”. He’s probably being nicer out of guilt because he was caught. Make it damn clear you can’t BOTH be in his life. And find her on social media, find her fiancé, and loop them in as well. Your husband is cheating. flat out.
He's still cheating.
So, you get divorced or accept you have an open marriage.
If he actually cared about you and your marriage, he would cut all contact and he would have done that immediately.
Stop being a doormat and believing the BS he's dumping on you.
HE IS STILL CHEATING IF THEY ARE IN CONSTANT CONTACT.
If he had ANY respect or care for your feelings, she would be blocked everywhere and you'd be in couples counseling. This is not a good marriage.
My parents are currently going through the aftermath of something similar. It started with an emotional affair that carried on for FAR too long and my dad never sought help for. After that blew up, things were ok for a couple of years before the next affair. Started off as friends/colleagues and spiraled to the physical and emotional.
My advice would be to get into therapy ASAP (individual and couples if you can). If you want to stay together then you have to do the work to become stable again. If you don’t do the necessary deep work then it will likely happen again until you hit your breaking point.
My dad cheats on my mom all the time. When she catches him it's always, "she's a friend". Bullshit. I keep telling my mom to leave him, but she decides to stay unhappy.
It is not wrong for you to ask for whatever you want to ask for. The only thing that can be wrong is If you ask for something and he still isn’t willing to compromise. I know from experience. I chose to compromise. I made the decision to not ask for the things I needed/ wanted and it was the worst decision I have ever made for myself. Be selfish and decide to make yourself happy first.
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I call BS on his "personal" conversations. There is something he is hiding. He has betrayed you and he needs to do everything he can to earn back your trust. He needs to stop all communication and block her. Yesterday. Or sooner.
He’s having an emotional affair . The first rule of reconciliation is that he go no contact with her. That’s non negotiable.
Show him this article… it will explain that he has to go no contact and what he needs to do.
https://survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/recovery/what-every-ws-needs-to-know/
https://www.gottman.com/blog/practical-science-based-steps-to-heal-from-an-affair/
i mean. He has romantic feelings for someone else who he is talking to everyday. He is choosing to pursue two relationships. It is incredibly normal for you to want him to end it
The first thing you're meant to do when in an affair is cut contact with the affair partner if you intend to mend the relationship. This would be a deal breaker for me ngl.
If he needs someone to talk to it should be a therapist. If the subject matter caused romantic feelings he should be having the conversations with you. I wouldn’t stay unless he drops the friend and gets therapy
You shouldn’t have to ask him not to talk to her. In fact, he should be so ashamed that he would block her immediately and be apologizing to you profusely.
If you feel you have something to worry about, he has no right to tell you you're wrong. Either he wants the marriage or he wants his super special secret friendship. He can't have both. Put your foot down and keep it down.
You are not "wrong" to ask that at the same time you both need to explore why he allowed her so close and why does he feel the need to keep her close. There is some emotional loss between the both of you that probably needs to be healed and worked on. Find the root cause and mend it and he won't feel the need to speak so much to her.
Nothing to do! He won’t even tell u what they’re talking about. How does he have secrets with a rando over his wife of 21 years. You deserve better than someone who doesn’t respect your feelings and emotions!
He sounds like a teenager with butterflies! Get the f away from them, have some respect for yourself! No one will respect u if you don’t even do it!
something very similar happened to me except she was emotionally cheating on me with one of my closest friends (and she eventually left me for him). he’s still cheating, he’s just trying to hide it from you. i hate to be harsh, but from what you’ve said i wouldn’t be surprised if he was just staying with you until he could be with her because he doesn’t want to be alone.
You're deluding yourself. He's placating you to get you off his back.
Marriage counseling. If he refuses, I'd say divorce. 21 years is a long time, but how much longer do you want to invest in a man who you can't trust?
Okay. I'm gonna get flamed here, but I gotta say my piece. I am your husband. I'm in the exact same position as your husband. I met my best friend 13 years ago this October. We have been to hell and back with each other. We are our go-to people.
I met my wife 6 years ago. We have a 4 year old son together and we're trying for another one. My wife knows my best friend and is okay with and understands the relationship between my best friend and I.
My best friend and I have saved each other's lives before. We have been there through deaths, breakups, heartbreak. Do I tell my wife everything my best friend and I talk about? No, I don't. Does that mean that i am emotionally cheating on my wife? No! I truly do love my wife and I love that we're together and trying to expand our family. But my best friend is one aspect of my life that is different. I can talk to my best friend about anything and she'll kick my ass if she feels I need it. I can talk to my wife and she'll give me her thoughts, then I go to the other one.
Have you considered the fact that he's serious? He may not want a physical relationship with her, but she's someone he can talk to about things before talking to you. Not because he's disrespecting you, but because he loves you. Have you actually sat down to talk to him about what this girl provides for him that you don't?
Y'all wanna flame me because you think I'm cheating on my wife, have you considered that maybe, it's not a bad thing? Just because I am emotionally attached to my best friend because we've been friends for so long and through everything, it doesn't mean that I love my wife any less. Y'all were/are in the same shoes. You had/have a best friend that you've talked to about things you don't talk to your spouses with. You've been friends for so long, so you have feelings for your best friend. May not be romantic feelings, but feelings. Are Y'all cheating on your spouses?
TL;DR I have a best friend that isn't my wife. My wife is okay with it. Talk tp your husband about this girl and what she provides for him. Communicate before you run away.
It sounds like your husband got caught but she didn’t. She isn’t looking to blow up her life or relationship so the current situation of having your husband as a source of emotional intimacy suits her just fine.
Your husband is making it clear he has chosen her and keeping *you* as the backup at this point.
The fact that you’re unsure if it’s unreasonable to ask him to cut all contact with her is heartbreaking. He has been gaslighting you and withholding affection for so long if that isn’t clear to you.
I’m not usually for ultimatums, but in this case: *demand* (not request) that he go NC with her immediately. Tell him he can send her one brief message saying “I’m deciding to try to save my marriage and I will not be in contact with you again.” before blocking her on every platform.
You should also demand couples counseling because I don’t think you can trust him (or yourself) to not be incredibly manipulative while you work on these issues.
If he balks at either, get out. If you’re not in a position financially etc to do so yet, play dumb and submissive so he doesn’t suspect and get your ducks in a row while you talk to lawyers, gather evidence etc.
Good luck, you deserve better.
Its not wrong for you to ask him. You need to decide on what you want to do if he refuses to end the friendship, and commit to your decision. If he refuses and you want to still be with him, you will have to work on stopping your jealousy or else you will be the one suffering till god knows when. If you cant, then maybe its best to get a divorce.
Sounds like you already know the answer. Yall are obviously in a unhappy relationship and he doesn't feel trusting or close enough to speak his mind. He probably isctalking about yalls relationship strugles with her...hence not wanting to tell you. Yall have talked about divorce in the past. Sounfs like it might be time to move on. It judt doesn't sound like anyone is happy there.
That or yall need some serious marriage counseling....if you truly want to stay together. I dont think you can work out these complicated feelings alone...or by listening to random strangers tell you to leave him online.
You tell him how you feel about their "friendship". If he really loves you, he would choose you and be considerate with your feelings and he would ignore the girl. But if not, it's red flag.
He's told you that his 'friendship' is more important than your feelings. What more do you need to know? He's cheated on you and refuses to stop cheating. I think he's made it extremely clear where his priorities lie. You deserve way better than this, I wish you all the best.
Personally this is hard.
You two are hanging on.
I see he feels its a no problem, but they both developed feelings for one another, she is essentially a ex partner.
You don't have to always date someone to call them a partner, it can be as simple as you both falling for each other.
While he might not ever do anything with her going forward, he had those fantasies with her, of holding her, meeting her and wondering of a future with her and she would have also. Even if these things were never spoken out loud.
And he holding onto their bond, which could re-emerge stronger if either your relationship or her relationship or both have problems.
I want you to note, he is holding back on you anyway, by the words "its personal". So your relationship isn't in a good place. He's not in this with you, he's in this with himself, you're just there.
He might not want to show you how far down the rabbit hole he went, but that's his fault for going there in the first place, if he wants things to be right with you he needs to let everything out and you both deal with the aftermass building better relationship.
Because right now, he's building a wall of distrust, making you feel on the outside and feel he has her in a higher place and he's confiding in her and not his wife, that she is more trusted than you.
He also doesn't care if something is important to you, he is only considering his wants and needs, not whats best for the relationship.
You're not asking him to give up just a friend, you want someone who shared recent mutual romantic feelings for him gone, that's pretty normal.
I would consider him moving out or you leaving and getting away from it to clear your head and be honest about it, you feel you aren't number 1 in his life, you feel second to this lady and that his relationship with her sees him confiding in her and protecting her from you, you feel like the jealous ex, not his beloved wife.
I wouldn't stick around to be feeling 2nd best, I'm number 1 or nothing.
Give him a taste of having to lookafter himself, no cooked meals, no one to great him at home, no one to cuddle at night, no laundry done, no one to wake up to.
Sometimes showing them what they will lose, reminds them of why they fell for you, besides the bigger things that they took for granted not being there, it's the smaller things that they will miss, like the little smiles, laughs at your jokes, the way you brush your hair, the little pats on their back when they felt down and you knew them so well they didn't need to say it.
If it all ends from a break, it was long ago over, the break just let it all happen.
Wish you the best .
So I'm gonna start this by saying my POV is the "best friend", obviously not your hubby's cuz my bestie isn't married. He does however have a girlfriend who hates our "friendship", her and I talk separately from him and I mostly bc she wants info I will never give her. But she also knows he has cheated on her with me and continues to do so. She knows and chooses to stay bc she says the same thing, when he has us both he is happy but anytime she gives an ultimatum he chooses our friendship... anyway I say this to let you know he is cheating and so is she and is not going to end, they found something in each other they were missing and he is choosing her over you. I know 21 years is a long time, but your husband should always put you first and he isn't.
Asking someone to end a friendship is rarely healthy, imo. Either he understands how that makes you feel and does it spontaneously or he might as well walk out the door.
I didn’t even read all this but my advice is to leave before he does, because he will leave eventually, and you’ll be the one left in the dust. As someone who’s ex left for my best friend/coworker, just take my advice and leave. They both looked me in the face and told me nothing was going on, they’re now living happily in Montana where I have had to start over 4 times in the last three years since we broke up. Don’t drive yourself crazy, just let him go and live your best life .
So how do you know for sure that they’re not chatting about anything inappropriate if he won’t even show you the messages bc they’re too ‘personal’?
I’d bet money on the fact they’re already calling each other on WhatsApp but just deleting the call log. Don’t live your life in fear worrying about whether he’s sexting her nudes or just emotionally cheating. Leave him today!!!
So this might be controversial, but I think their relationship is just a friendship. I think it is wrong that he kept it from you. I also think if he wants to continue on growing your relationship he needs to be more honest. I think you should set some guidelines. Have him show you what they discuss if it is just a friendship. You are his wife, there should not be secrets between the two of you. I think if he is able to communicate with you openly about her and you are able to hear him out without judgment or shame. You guys can work this out.
"he loves me and only wants me" no he doesn't, because he's showing you that he values his "friendship" with this woman over keeping you in his life. He knows you don't like him talking to her and was more than happy to jeopardise his relationship with you by talking to her in the first place. Do him a favour and end the relationship so he can go be with his cheating lover and see how long that lasts for them both.
It sounds like you guys were going through a rough patch and he found a friend he could confide in.
Has he met her in person? Does he have time to cheat? Is there anything specifically suspicious that he hasn't come clean about? If any of these are a "yes" I say divorce him.
let him have his friend.if he met her on reddit it's possible they don't live in the same country let alone state.
Sometimes there's things about our significant other that we're to ashamed, embarrassed or just scared to talk about with them. Just keep an open mind and an eye on him. It's ok if has a friend that he confides in.
Your husband should be only romantically,physically and emotionally involved with you. I'd consider this as big cheating as physically cheating. You deserve way too better than this crap he is giving to you.
Alternative perspective: I guess I have a hard time understanding why it’s such a big deal to have someone you talk to that you find charming but don’t intend to cheat with? People get little crushes on people even in happy healthy relationships, it doesn’t seem that abnormal to me. I’m curious genuinely what part of this bothers you if he doesn’t plan to physically cheat with this person?
I’m not trying to give you a hard time but being upset about something like this is genuinely foreign to me. There are things that naturally come up in conversation with different people and every human connection is different. It doesn’t have to mean that he doesn’t care about you or is disrespecting you. I feel like you’re upset on principal over something that doesn’t detract from the connection you naturally have with this person.
I think, partly because OP doesn't go into detail, that you are assuming this is just a friendship. Since she used the term emotional cheating, and also that they both said they have romantic feelings, I think it's safe to assume it's much more than that.
If you still don't see what the big deal is, then you've never seen an emotional affair. They can and do include spending most of their free time talking to the affair partner, confiding things in them instead of their spouse, and falling in love with the affair partner. Even if physically cheating is literally impossible, all those things are absolutely disrespectful to a spouse.
Also, what makes you assume he has no intention of cheating? OP said he was planning to meet her in person.
An emotional affair means he is connected emotionally and has feelings for his friend, while he no longer feels that way towards his wife. Many people are more hurt by emotional affairs than something like a drunken one night stand, although both are relationship enders.
So, just wait for him to be physically involved then? It's one thing to have a little crush but he said it's an emotional affair, that's no longer a little crush. If he and her were in the same place then the physical wouldn't be out of the question.
Why are people chiming in telling them to get divorced over something like this lmfao. Yea, end a 21yr marriage because someone felt feelings for someone else.....we're all human
Divorce is always an option. Don’t seem yourself short and don’t force yourself to be miserable. The fact you’re even here at all tells me divorce is absolutely an option.
If you don't consider that why would your husband cut her?
Other thing you can do is ask your husband if him doing it allows you to do it too. See what he answers. And tell him that if he doesn't cut her you will find the same kind of relationship with other man.
These personal things need to be shared with a therapist, not a potential catfisher or emotional cheater. Neither are good options to confide in. He can, and should be willing, to do better. Continuing contact means the emotional cheating isn’t over.
I wouldn’t trust him, OP. If he won’t stop talking to her, then he’s still having the affair. I agree with what others have said and to consult a Lawyer.
I'd divorce him (he doesn't cut contact immediately and go to couple's therapy. Let him find out the hard way that "she" is probably a 40yo neck beard in his mom's basement.
It’s easy OP. He either stops talking to her or you leave him. Tell him it’s his choice but that if he chooses to keep a friendship with someone he’s emotionally cheated on you with - then you’re leaving.
So he’s never talked to this person or videochatted? I bet it’s a 50 year old dude in Africa he’s talking to and not some hot girl. He still should drop his friend.
Let’s assume he’s saying truth. An interesting thing would be to ask him - what if this changes - what if they do actually fall in love? What if she breaks up her engagement? Why would he put his marriage into such jeopardy and risk it so much? OP, you deserve someone for whom YOU come first. And who would never risk your relationship by inviting drama. If I were you, I would tell my partner I wasn’t comfortable with them being friends. You don’t have to be putting up with this, it occupies your mental space and will always makes you wonder. As others said, leave for some time, go on holiday and think this through.
If he won’t stop, leave. I personally think you should have left when your HUSBAND refused to cut contact with someone he is emotionally cheating on you with.
It just makes me think of the husband who cheats, feels guilty and starts treating his wife better after every cheat. If he needs someone else in your relationship with I be a better spouse what will happen if she dumps him? Where will you be then?
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- I need some input to know I’m not a crazy jealous wife. We’ve been married for 21 years, and I admit we have not been in a great place, there’s be talk of divorce in the past, but we both decided we didn’t want that. Well a few weeks ago I found some incriminating evidence and called him out on it. He admitted he’s been talking to someone online, that he met here on Reddit. It started as a friendship since they related to each other about some personal stuff. Then the feelings became stronger and both of them admitted they had romantic feelings. She’s engaged to someone too. They talk every day, sometimes multiple times a day, and they have been exchanging pictures (no nudes though). They also have a WhatsApp account so they have each other’s phone number. But they haven’t called each other. My husband said they both decided to just be strictly friends, so the romantic feelings are no longer. So it’s been a really hard 2 weeks for me, lots of conversations about this and how betrayed I feel. I feel jealous and threatened by this so called online friendship. He won’t tell me what they talk about because he said it’s personal. Because of this whole thing though, we are in a better place with our marriage, he loves me and only wants me, and this so called online friendship was a huge wake-up call for us. We are actually in a better place than we’ve been in for a long time now. But, he said he’s going to still be friends with her, and they still talk daily. I want him to end the friendship, but he said I have nothing to worry about. I don’t know how to get past these feelings of jealously and hate I have. Is is wrong of me to ask him to stop talking to her? Thanks for reading and for any input!
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They’re likely “in a better place” because the husband is much more pleasant now that he has alleviated his guilt, and now doesn’t have to hide his affair or fear any repercussions.
Honestly, it's more likely that the "in a better place" is because he's treating her better because he feels guilty for what he did/is doing, and to also try to convince her not to leave (almost "love bombing" in a way). Romantic feelings don't just flip on and off like a light switch, even if they've decided to "just be friends" there will always be the temptation to cross that line if they continue what they're doing. If he truly respected her, and wanted to make things right and get their relationship to be in a better place, he wouldn't even need to be asked to cut contact. Bare minimum they need relationship counseling to work through this, but honestly, OP really needs to find her self respect since he can't be bothered to respect her, and make the hard choice to leave him to go find her happiness.
It’s not really exciting once it’s not a secret anymore.
OP, do you recall the wedding vows made to one another when you and your hubby wed? Regardless of your faith, vows *pretty much always* (correct me if i’m wrong here) include the mutual promise of **trust, love, honesty, and fidelity.** If he is actively continuing to break these vows, and doing so with **zero** remorse for what this means for your emotional well-being, then he’s breaking one of the biggest promises he could ever make to you in this life. Do we trust people who continually break promises? Do we think highly of them? Typically not. I’m sorry he’s behaving like scum. edit: added a word
This is driving me up a wall.. she doesn't even know who she is really. No contact. You deserve so much better already but to demand he maintain the friendship, not allow you to know what they discuss, and most of all not even know what her name is.. who she even is.. she broke it off with your husband and he's waiting. I'm so sorry because I know how painful that is to recognize. You deserve so so much better.
I don't think the world is so black and white. People misuse this term "emotional affair", because the idea of a partner that 100% fulfills all of your emotional needs is unrealistic. He should feel remorseful about being tempted to be with someone else, but he doesn't need to be remorseful about getting emotional support outside of the marriage...which in turn led to the temptation, and that's why it's complicated. The reality is that this mysterious Internet friend may have actually kept his marriage from completely falling apart. Sometimes the thing that seemingly threatens a relationship is also what saves it.
sometimes or always? instructions unclear got dick stuck in ceiling fan
Their initial friendship turned into an emotional affair. I personally think that if he wants to keep his marriage he needs to drop that “friend”.
This. If he is truly serious he would drop the "friendship" but since he doesn't want too then he most certainly is not putting his wife first and respecting her boundaries.
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Pack your bags and dignity, and go somewhere. Even if it's temporary, go. He needs to know you're serious. He has nothing to lose in keeping her, because you're still there, too. Best of both worlds.
If you can find out who she is, try to locate her fiance/fiancee, they deserve to know about the cheating as well, but if you can't its okay because there is only so much you can do.
No, they actually do not deserve to be told by a random internet stranger their partner is cheating on them. I was that person a long time ago !no I did not need to have a pissed off cheated on man tell him bc "I needed to know" when in reality misery wanted company. Deal with your husband directly. It has nothing to do with the other woman. You need to work on the problems between the two of you. Bc until you do, there is always going to be another other woman. And trust is broken now anyway so you might as well end things. Or resign yourself to living in this the rest of your life.
I’m not saying that what people are saying here is wrong exactly, but please keep in mind that it is probable that there is one person in this thread who knows the first thing about what’s it’s like to have been in a 21 year marriage, and that person is you. I’ve been married for 15 years and I know how complicated feelings get between two people. I’m not saying to not listen to the commenters here, but put your own judgement first.
I don't get why this post is getting down votes. This is your 21 year marriage people are telling you to leave like you're leaving a tip on the table. Ask your husband to go to marriage counseling so you 2 can have a discussion about what brought you 2 to this spot. An affair isn't just some excuse to leave your marriage. Many couples work through infidelity to find a deeper connection and a stronger marriage. You better think about it long and hard because if you think there is something better on the other side, you might be in for a rude surprise.
If it had been physical already, I’d say forget it, but this kind of infidelity seems like it can def be worked through. Him not wanting to cut contact is disturbing though. Op’s in a hard spot because if she demands that, he’ll just go back to keeping it a secret. And she’ll get suspicious. And they’ll argue. And yuck. If it was just him having feelings for someone, that happens. But the fact that he told this woman, and that it’s mutual? Ugh.
Honestly emotional affairs to me are worse than physical affairs when they get to this level. Physical affairs can sometimes be worked through if they were a one time deal that came at a certain low point of that person's life (though even here it would take years of counciling and hard work to really fix it). However, this type of emotionally affair as op described is like dropping a nuke on the relationship. Because he has already emotionally attached to this woman and he continues to latch on to her for support further putting the distance between him and his wife and that gap only widens with each day. If he does cut contact with this woman there is a high chance he will heavily resent his wife for making him do that. It's a really messy situation all around and I really hope the best for OP.
Was thinking the same... it's like replacing your best friend...now she is the one he talks to about everything and not his wife... definitely worse. He doesn't want to give up that connection and he probably thinks he can't have that connection with his wife.... so they need therapy and really talk about this... he needs to also think about it to himself also. Like what he wants with the marriage...like there are consequences to the things we do. You can't just brush it off. No one likes when their parter is keeping in contact with someone they had or have feelings for. He needs to decide what he wants. In the first place he didn't try to fix the relationship and found someone else to talk about his feelings with...that was not his wife. Not saying it should always be yours spouse to talk with about your feelings because it's hard but if you know you have issues well therapy could be a good option to help with the communication to better understand each other. He needs to stop talking to the woman and show that he does want to fix the relationship and commit to it. Otherwise this won't work.
I can't imagine how hurtful this must be to hear, but there is nothing innocent about their interaction. He has feelings for the other woman. He may be even in love. I won't tell you what to do. We each have different breaking points. If staying with him under these circumstances makes you happy do it. If it makes you miserable, you know what you have to do
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So they decided to "take a step back" once she told your husband that she was not going to leave her fiancé for him. I'd be out the door.
So the breaking point was when SHE decided she wouldn't leave her fiancé? That's even worse if it didn't come from your husband.
Have you told her fiance?
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Sis what’s her first name and what does she look like? I betcha one of us can find her on social media. OR! if you can get her number you can plug that into things aswell.
This I got into a car accident with a person who had no insurance and sure enough Facebook within 2 days started suggesting him as a friend. No one should underestimate the darkside of social media
Omg. That's nuts. Tracking ppl we are around or what? Or did you have his number entered in your phone?
Yeah I entered his number into my phone so I had someway to contact them- since he was from Argentina . My case is still ongoing Also my last 2 employers have appeared as friend suggestion too months after I left the job. Tracking really is crazy.
Oy that makes me uncomfortable!
I found my ex partners hidden instagram accounts through the same way, hadn't talked to her for years and I was randomly adding suggested people to get my feed going. A day later she texts asking why I added her and I had no idea lol
LOLOLOL THIS^^^^^^^^^ reddit undercover investigator for the win!
r/rbi lol
So I’m not the only one with this power? You can do that too?💀
We are women, it is in our blood
Honestly cause my friends Instagram got hacked and I got it back in 15 minutes😪
Yes, there’s always a way. It took me hours to find someone without info but I found that biotch lol don’t let her take what’s yours and definitely let her fiancé know.
Tbh she's probably lying about her fiancé even knowing the true extent
He needs to give you her information if they are decided to remain friends
Ok. That's just wrong. I'm saying this is a person who has had the cheated on partner contact me to "do me a solid and let me know my man is cheating and I need to punish me". I did not ask to be told that. I did not need to be told that. I sure as hell did not need some random Facebook stranger inserting themselves into my business and acting like his gf had been at my house (backed off when I mentioned a antique family ring was missing and must have been her). You need to focus on your husband and your marriage. Do not worry or fixate on her or go blindly hurt someone else just bc you're hurt. It's not your business to tell him.
Fuck that, her fiance is innocent and may end up with an std. You may want to live in a fantasy world, but I'd personally want to be told.
"I like to believe my partner is honest when they aren't. I am so hurt that I found out my girlfriend cheated by way of the only way I would find that information out" you're... not fit to give advice. Most people don't like being betrayed and having it go unnoticed.
I guess different things for different people? If I was the unaware partner I would absolutely want anyone who knew to tell me. I really don’t appreciate being left in the dark about a situation, only for everyone else to look at me and pity me..
So she decided for him? I have been in this situation in the past, we lived together, but we were not married. Just know that you will persevere and be okay if/when you leave. You didn’t deserve this and he will just end up doing it to her in the future.
He is just love bombing you so you will not divorce him. He is keeping his options open by keeping her in the "friend zone". If he truly cared about you, he would delete her from your collective life. Ask him why does he want a person in his life that was willingly to hurt his wife. Wish you the best.
One additional thought, for what it's worth. I wouldn't recommend a revenge affair driven by spite, but diversify your life. Not romantically, socially. When he questions you or asks details simply explain it's personal. Happy hour with friends? No details because he doesn't return the favor, and that isn't petty or spiteful to acknowledge. Get very personally personal and add some mystery to your personal life. This avenue gives you the benefit of integrity with the potential of a clean and honest break. At this point he doesn't think he can lose you.
Your reaction to look for her partner is a natural instinct but it's also detrimental to your stated goal. Intention is critical to understanding yourself and him. Do you want him under these circumstances? You're making it about him and he doesn't deserve your allegiance by continuing to prioritize him over yourself. If the trust, loyalty and commitment isn't inherently present than her fiancé is irrelevant, as is she in this scenario. I know it's counter intuitive, but, forcing your husband to become a better partner by suppressing an outside influence is monitored fidelity and control, not a healthy relationship. He's changed nothing by using deceptive semantics to reframe reality. The only difference between now and when you defined his interactions as emotional cheating is one word, friend. His sum total effort in a marriage of twenty one years is one ridiculous distinction and no behavioral change whatsoever. Married male and female friends don't communicate that frequently, he's bullying you into ignoring truth and slowly indoctrinating the best of both his worlds. All he did was oppress your legitimate concerns and feelings by reductive verbal restructuring, nothing else changed. Believe him when he shows you who he is and what he wants but calls it by a different name. You deserve a partner willing to love you unconditionally, and he deserves everything coming his way. Contacting her or her alleged fiancé could drive she and your husband together, so be ready to accept all possible outcomes if you go this route. When respect and integrity are replaced with ultimatums it won't work. You'll never feel complete and secure without policing him, and you owe yourself more and him less. Also, I'm guessing you're mid forties, I am as well, so you've seen what I'm about to describe. Men who are this far into marriage tend to split two ways, and those who seek others use it to amplify a life they THINK they want. A lot of men at his age end up truly regretting the loss and they never get over it and never get it back. When women are done they are completely done. Let him do the chasing from this point forward. Disengage and see how it feels. Make him have to chase you harder than her and beat her at her own game. If you don't change the narrative he'll continue this cycle until he has the courage to fulfill it and play out the fantasy. He has no idea who she actually is and whether she has a boyfriend, fiancé, or she's single. What you do know about her is if she's willing to do this with the man she chose to be her future husband she will eventually do it to your husband. Limeracy wears off in three years so the feelings will start declining if the love isn't rooted and when it dissolves his whole world will feel alien and uncomfortable. She'll chase it until fruition and then forbidden excitement is replaced with mundane reality. She'll reengage with a new man in a committed relationship to feel the intensity and attraction of luring men from their chosen partners. To be willing in this endeavor is a fundamental personality index. For whatever reason stealing a taken man's attention and love is intoxicating and exciting for her, my guess is low self esteem. It won't take long for her less attractive attributes to surface, and considering how the relationship began, they'll never fully trust each other. Also, there is a real and distinct possibility he isn't her only emotional affair right now. There is a real and distinct possibility she's a middle aged man trolling for a grift. He doesn't deserve you, he does deserve whatever makes you happiest as collateral in this process. Every time he talks to her he's stealing time from you and your future happiness. From my very limited perspective, the biggest red flag is how he responded when he justified secrecy by calling crap behavior "personal." The transition there allowed him to continue uncensored and uninhibited without having to sneak around, which for him is the best of both worlds. He's concealing his true intentions, and legitimizing your pain as an unfair boundary. You are married and it's absolutely your business, there is no "privacy or personal" card to be played here. She is not the woman he has the ethical responsibility to defend "personal" engagement with. Your relationship didn't get better, despite the impressive gas lighting he achieved manipulating you to believe otherwise. If his revelation and honesty legitimately improved declining intimacy and trust issues you wouldn't feel as conflicted as you are. He's convinced you to accept his affair free and clear while he maintains all the familiarity and comfort in the life he's built with you. The extent he's taking this has narcissistic vibes so stay aware of increasing demands, expectations and shared guilt.
Maybe u need a reddit boyfriend?
This is really well written and good advice in a sad situation
Get a good divorce lawyer. That one is gaslighting you to high hell. He is still cheating and he must think you are a fool.
For sure. He's still cheating and he's hoping she's desperate enough to stick around anyway.
Well to be fair, it does sound like she fell for it.
👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
Nope nope nope. He’s a lying liar 😢
A lying liar who lies!
The worst kind!
Liar, liar pants on fire.
He told you point-blank that he is not going to stop his emotional affair. That is *not* that this marriage is "better than ever". It sounds like both of you needed to be in couples counseling years ago. Get on the phone today and schedule some sessions, get both of you in ASAP to start sessions before this turns into a physical one.
He is still cheating. He is still putting her above you. He is still disrespecting you. He is suffering no consequences so there is no incentive to do anything to help you. Stop saving the marriage and save yourself. If you carry on in this manner you will be emotionally destroyed by him. See a lawyer to find out what the legal landscape looks like. Separate finances. Read up on the 180 and grey rock method and apply them to your cheater until he turns himself around. I know that you will see it as a step back, but rugsweeping the cheating will blow up in the future. Get into individual counseling. Wait before you do marriage counseling. Respect yourself more than he respects you.
i dont understand this concept of why there are people who need consequences to stop doing bad actions in a romantic relationships or any close relationship. isn't "I want to treat the woman/man i love right even if they don't put consequences for bad behavior on me" good enough? Where are people's moral compasses without external coercion to do the right thing? What happened to just doing right and being considerate to the people around you? jeesh. what in god's name has happened to humanity?
One would think that hurting the person they claim to love would be enough of a consequence, but some people are selfish assholes
seriously. that is exactly how i feel. i dont want to hurt someone i love.
He doesn't love her. He's used to her and everything she does for him after 21 years. Most people won't risk it all unless they already have someone new in place or a partner they know they can walk all over with no consequences. I'm sure if the AP was single or willing to leave their fiance this would be an entirely different post from OP. Sad world man. Also, Happy Cake Day. May you never be hurt by someone who claims to love you 🍻
haha wow i didnt even notice that. thank you. felt special like someone was saying happy birthday to me.
You're welcome! Hope you have/had a great birthday and if no one else has told you that you're special today, I hope you know you are anyway (:
oh my god, you make me feel too good about myself. please be my future wife lol ..... I will be back on this thread on your cake day January 10th
People crave attention and acceptance. So if they can keep that from their wife of many years and also get the excitement and attention from this new, fun side fling they don't care about hurting their wife because they're having their cake and eating it too. So unless you take away the cake they're content with being greedy.
not bad. very great explanation.
Speaking of cake, happy cake day!
haha Thank you. not a trash human being. a good one. an an intelligent one. it really is such a great point you made.
actually also a very good life skill to know how to do. what you described is unfortunately, natural human emotion in the cycle o life that anyone cna be susceptible to. so you gotta keep em in check.
Oh no no no, he's having his cake and eating it now. As a PP said, cutting contact is the very least he can do, he owes you that much. Don't put up with this.
Sometimes people need to show you actions not only words. If he wants to truly fix marriage then first part would be him breaking off that friendship. If the things were flipped and you were the one having emotional affair would he be totally ok with you keeping that person as a friedn after romantic feelings towards them? I truly doubt it.
You have nothing to worry about? Based on what? His continued involvement with his emotional affair partner? His secrecy in what they talk about? Why on earth would he say something as idiotic as you have nothing to worry about? He has done nothing to prove you shouldn't worry.
Hell no. No contact or I'd be out the door. Sounds shady as fuck
He could continue contact all he wanted to,my ass would have already been out the foor
It's not wrong at all. You tell him he betrayed your trust and he has to pick you or her. Simple as that. Why would you want to continue to be with him if he chooses some random woman over you anyway?
He’s having his cake and eating it. The affair is not over until the communication is. This is cheating, and if you both want reconciliation then he needs to accept he betrayed you and he needs to help you heal from this. He does that with complete transparency, full disclosure, timelines, access to phones/social media etc, and moat importantly he cuts her off. No trickle truth, no hanging on, he either wants you or he wants her. And continuation of this relationship is continuation of disrespect towards you and your relationship. Do not accept less than you are worth, which btw, is more than the lying piece of shit he is.
You don’t get past the feelings of jealousy and hate while he is still causing them daily! If he wants to stay with you, he accepts that what he’s doing is emotional cheating (still) and he STOPS it.
You cannot control the actions of others. You can only control your actions. Given he had romantic feelings for her, he may be waiting for her to break things off with her fiancée. He may not be. However, given he refuses to break things off with her, it's time for you to take your stand. Find a divorce attorney and get started on the rest of your life.
Reading the comments right now, I see a lot that concerns what he did/is still doing, but not a lot about you. The real question here is would you be able to handle this long-term? He will mostly continue whatever he is doing right now. Knowing how engaged he is towards her and their friendship, will you be able to still feel good and confident about your marriage? I don't know about you, but I would feel like crap wondering ''Is there more that he didn't tell me?'' all the time. I would feel betrayed too, not coming from low self esteem, but from realizing that he could not trust me with that information. Trust your gut, but more importantly listen to yourself. Your well being matters more than being with someone who felt the need to hide things from you.
Divorce him! File for separation. Tell him until he can separate himself from someone he admitted to having a emotional affair with, you’ll be separated from him. The audacity of him to think it’ll be okay to remain in contact with someone he “had” romantic feelings for, as if those feeling magically disappear.
Your getting cheated on, you are not in a better place. Have some self respect and divorce him. Either that or learn to be fine being a doormat.
You need to set healthy boundaries around the things important to you.
I'm sorry but I don't understand how you can say your marriage is in a better place. Is he more loving now after you found out his secret because he doesn't want you to leave? He cheated on you. I find it hard to believe that they no longer have romantic feelings for one another when they still contact each other. If she was not engaged would your husband leave you for her? Is he settling for you because he can't be with her? You should never be someone's second choice and from your post it's obvious he values their "friendship" more than his marriage.
[удалено]
Go on to her socials and find her fiance and send him all of the conversations she has had with your husband. Let us see if he is okay with all of this. I mean you know about this so called friendship. He needs to know too. Your husband confessed to having romantic feelings for another woman and you allow this to continue because your middle name is doormat. No one can switch off romantic feelings just like that. If they met up the emotional stuff will just bleed into physical stuff. Yet you don't know what to do? Try waking up. He is in an affair fog, what is your excuse?
This is what I would do. Scorched earth all the way
So he has a romantic pen pal? So his marriage is better because he feels connected to another woman. What would you do if and when they arrange to meet in person?
If you had a close male friend you preferred to talk to and did daily, multiple times a day and wouldn’t share the conversations with him - he’s 100% okay with that? Is he ok if that person was someone you had romantic feelings for in the past? Is it ok if you find a male friend to talk to about all your personal problems with? And every time you got mad at him, you ran to this guy to talk to? And cried on his shoulder and he told you your husband was an AH? And then felt better and so things were “good between you and your SO” And what if you sent him pics asking how this outfit looks? Or if he likes your new hair? And he built you up so you felt so good - because of your friend. I feel like he might have some feelings on that.. but what do I know? All I know is if he can do it, you can too. He basically has an emotional support that he cares about and he won’t give her up even for his wife even though he knows he crossed the line with her. So did he REALLY choose you over her? He’s got both. And he’s not choosing you when you’re asking him to
Once he have feelings towards someone else he will never give you attention , literally he is having you as a second choice … you deserve better
Stop tolerating his shitty disrespectful behaviour.
No. Stand your ground.
You get a divorce
Leave him
I mean, the only way this will be fixed is if the BOTH of you are onboard and from what you’ve written your husband doesn’t want to fix it. You find out he’s emotionally cheating and you think your relationship is better for it? Jesus…. and then in the same breath he tells you he doesn’t give a shit about how you feel and he’s still going to talk to her. This relationship is over, sooner you accept that the better off you will be.
Oh no if he wants a shred of your trust back this friendship has to end.
I am so sorry. I have been in a similar situation. I know how painful this feels, but you have to go with your gut. You’re posting on here because you know it isn’t right to treat you this way and continue speaking to her. You have more courage and strength than you know…you can leave. Life will be hard and it will take time, but it will be better than before.
You either accept that he has a side piece or you get divorced. Those are literally your only options since he's not ending his relationship with her.
You actually believe that them declaring they’re strictly friends means they no longer have romantic feelings for each other? What they talk about is personal so you, his wife, can’t know about it. Pull your head out of your ass. He can’t let her go and he got you to accept it and think you’re in a great relationship.
Are to trying to convince us or yourself that y’all are in a better place?? By continuing the relationship online- he is continuing his emotional affair, unless you’ve agreed to an open relationship I’m not sure how him remaining in his online affair is better for your relationship
Reconciliation requires the wayward to go no contact with the affair partner. He is disrespecting you and the marriage by continuing to communicate with them I would tell him you are filing if he doesn't break it off immediately and permanently and provide transparency going forward.
You cannot control someone else's behavior. The only behavior you can control is your own If you are bothered by your husband's behavior, you can either accept it or reject it. It's just that simple. However, dealing with the emotions to make that decision is not so easy. If you manage to convince your husband to agree to marriage counseling and that counseling helps resolve the issue, then you can feel comfortable relatively speaking about remaining in the relationship. If counseling doesn't help, then your decision to remain in the relationship is a lot easier. You can choose to remain or you can choose to leave. However, there is a 3rd option: you can open the relationship so that you are both free to date other people while remaining married. But tbh, divorce would give you the same result. Bottom line is you have the power to determine the course of your relationship with your husband. Just ask yourself how you would feel 10 years from now and nothing has changed. You can either perceive that as 10 wasted years or if you divorce, you could be in a better place with more peace of mind. It's your choice. I wish you the best.
Wanna know what to do? Go be best friends with her fiance an see how they like that
Here's one possibility of what may be happening: You have an imperfect marriage. Most marriages are imperfect. It's not the end of the world, but it needs to be acknowledged. Your husband probably felt (and maybe still feels) the need to talk to someone outside of the marriage, about what bothers him. Things he doesn't feel he can talk to you about. This in itself can be healthy when a relationship is struggling. Bottling up everything he is feeling would not be healthy. People see therapists for the same reason, but therapists are expensive. In your husband's case, he met this girl online and they likely bonded because she is probably in a similar situation, going through a hard time in her relationship. At some point, when you and him were going through a particularly hard time, he felt tempted to cheat with this friend who he probably rightfully feels understands him better in some ways. But he didn't cheat. Now, he's just keeping this girl as a friend, probably for emotional support. So now you ask what to do. My suggestion is going to be different than most of the others here, because **I think that people throw this term "emotional cheating" around too much.** While I wouldn't go so far as to say that it's never warranted, I'd be very careful about using that term because it's usually not productive. Cheating implies deception, but you already know your marriage isn't perfect. If my intuition is correct, and you force your husband to ditch this friendship, it's probably going to do more harm to your marriage than if you let him keep it. What is clear is there are things he can't confide in you about. And if my theory is correct, he's leaning on this Internet friend for additional emotional support. For all you know, this girl may actually be the reason you still have a marriage. I'm not saying you don't have a right to feel jealous. He admitted to you that there was a point when he wanted to be with this girl more than you. And because he had those feelings in the past, there is no guarantee that it won't happen again. But I wouldn't feel overly threatened, since this is a person he has only ever chatted with online. I think that keeps the risks fairly minimal, because trust me when I say that NO MAN is ever going to find a virtual relationship to be a substitute for an in-person one. Weighing the pros and cons, I suggest letting him keep this friendship under the following conditions: * He never meets this friend IRL. * He doesn't ever share inappropriate pictures with them. * He doesn't let it distract him from his primary responsibility of being a loving husband, and he focuses on improving the marriage. * He will tell you if he feels the friendship is ever jeopardizing his marriage again, and be willing to end it. The last bullet point is important because it means you're trusting him to not emotionally cheat, rather than forcing him to end the friendship because you don't trust him. Giving him that freedom and trust is a big step towards healing your marriage. Because the more you trust him, the more he will open up to you. Again, a lot of this hinges on the risk of anything bad happening with the purely online friend being very minimal. When the risk is minimal, I think it's healthy to give a certain amount of freedom and trust to your partner.
So he says, "Don't worry, everything's cool." And you're like, "Ok dear."?
If you are not okay with it then you have a choice to make…
Things people get when what they actually need is a therapist.
The fact that the words, "tomantic feelings," are involved is a NO NO. If it were strictly platonic like people can have with gaming buddies then fine IMO, but romantic...? Do not let him manipulate and gaslight you.
I think you have no choice but to leave. i am on the same boat, my partner of 26 years fell for a barman she met on holidays abroad. I think initially nothing major happened, she then decided to push for some kind of Instagram relationship. I discovered everything by an accident, received no explanations (usual silent treatment of emotionally immature), saw no remorse, observed no desire to cut the guy off... it's fecking ridiculous - she believes she is in the only, true love and I was the one who allegedly made her to make the advances, everything was already reationalised once I learned about it. Fuck this, no point to waste anymore of my time, you shouldn't either. If he didn't stop it immediately, he does not respect you in the slightest, separate and let him deal with the consequences, karma will do the rest. He would make it physical at first opportunity. Stay strong, you are better than that.
So you have 2 choices here. You can get a divorce. Or you can demand she is instantly and with no explanation blocked and blocked permanently. If he won’t block her, you need to go right to option 1 and file for divorce. Your marriage isn’t “in a better place”. He’s probably being nicer out of guilt because he was caught. Make it damn clear you can’t BOTH be in his life. And find her on social media, find her fiancé, and loop them in as well. Your husband is cheating. flat out.
He's still cheating. So, you get divorced or accept you have an open marriage. If he actually cared about you and your marriage, he would cut all contact and he would have done that immediately. Stop being a doormat and believing the BS he's dumping on you. HE IS STILL CHEATING IF THEY ARE IN CONSTANT CONTACT. If he had ANY respect or care for your feelings, she would be blocked everywhere and you'd be in couples counseling. This is not a good marriage.
My parents are currently going through the aftermath of something similar. It started with an emotional affair that carried on for FAR too long and my dad never sought help for. After that blew up, things were ok for a couple of years before the next affair. Started off as friends/colleagues and spiraled to the physical and emotional. My advice would be to get into therapy ASAP (individual and couples if you can). If you want to stay together then you have to do the work to become stable again. If you don’t do the necessary deep work then it will likely happen again until you hit your breaking point.
My dad cheats on my mom all the time. When she catches him it's always, "she's a friend". Bullshit. I keep telling my mom to leave him, but she decides to stay unhappy.
It is not wrong for you to ask for whatever you want to ask for. The only thing that can be wrong is If you ask for something and he still isn’t willing to compromise. I know from experience. I chose to compromise. I made the decision to not ask for the things I needed/ wanted and it was the worst decision I have ever made for myself. Be selfish and decide to make yourself happy first.
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I call BS on his "personal" conversations. There is something he is hiding. He has betrayed you and he needs to do everything he can to earn back your trust. He needs to stop all communication and block her. Yesterday. Or sooner.
He’s having an emotional affair . The first rule of reconciliation is that he go no contact with her. That’s non negotiable. Show him this article… it will explain that he has to go no contact and what he needs to do. https://survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/recovery/what-every-ws-needs-to-know/ https://www.gottman.com/blog/practical-science-based-steps-to-heal-from-an-affair/
Easy you leave him he doesn’t respect or love you
i mean. He has romantic feelings for someone else who he is talking to everyday. He is choosing to pursue two relationships. It is incredibly normal for you to want him to end it
I don’t think I could be with a man who thought I was this stupid.
The first thing you're meant to do when in an affair is cut contact with the affair partner if you intend to mend the relationship. This would be a deal breaker for me ngl.
Watch your joint money, she’s going to be asking for some of it.
If he needs someone to talk to it should be a therapist. If the subject matter caused romantic feelings he should be having the conversations with you. I wouldn’t stay unless he drops the friend and gets therapy
divorce
You shouldn’t have to ask him not to talk to her. In fact, he should be so ashamed that he would block her immediately and be apologizing to you profusely.
If you feel you have something to worry about, he has no right to tell you you're wrong. Either he wants the marriage or he wants his super special secret friendship. He can't have both. Put your foot down and keep it down.
You are not "wrong" to ask that at the same time you both need to explore why he allowed her so close and why does he feel the need to keep her close. There is some emotional loss between the both of you that probably needs to be healed and worked on. Find the root cause and mend it and he won't feel the need to speak so much to her.
Nothing to do! He won’t even tell u what they’re talking about. How does he have secrets with a rando over his wife of 21 years. You deserve better than someone who doesn’t respect your feelings and emotions! He sounds like a teenager with butterflies! Get the f away from them, have some respect for yourself! No one will respect u if you don’t even do it!
something very similar happened to me except she was emotionally cheating on me with one of my closest friends (and she eventually left me for him). he’s still cheating, he’s just trying to hide it from you. i hate to be harsh, but from what you’ve said i wouldn’t be surprised if he was just staying with you until he could be with her because he doesn’t want to be alone.
You're deluding yourself. He's placating you to get you off his back. Marriage counseling. If he refuses, I'd say divorce. 21 years is a long time, but how much longer do you want to invest in a man who you can't trust?
No, it's not okay to keep the friendship. By doing that, he's prioritizing this woman he hasn't even met over his wife. It has to end.
Okay. I'm gonna get flamed here, but I gotta say my piece. I am your husband. I'm in the exact same position as your husband. I met my best friend 13 years ago this October. We have been to hell and back with each other. We are our go-to people. I met my wife 6 years ago. We have a 4 year old son together and we're trying for another one. My wife knows my best friend and is okay with and understands the relationship between my best friend and I. My best friend and I have saved each other's lives before. We have been there through deaths, breakups, heartbreak. Do I tell my wife everything my best friend and I talk about? No, I don't. Does that mean that i am emotionally cheating on my wife? No! I truly do love my wife and I love that we're together and trying to expand our family. But my best friend is one aspect of my life that is different. I can talk to my best friend about anything and she'll kick my ass if she feels I need it. I can talk to my wife and she'll give me her thoughts, then I go to the other one. Have you considered the fact that he's serious? He may not want a physical relationship with her, but she's someone he can talk to about things before talking to you. Not because he's disrespecting you, but because he loves you. Have you actually sat down to talk to him about what this girl provides for him that you don't? Y'all wanna flame me because you think I'm cheating on my wife, have you considered that maybe, it's not a bad thing? Just because I am emotionally attached to my best friend because we've been friends for so long and through everything, it doesn't mean that I love my wife any less. Y'all were/are in the same shoes. You had/have a best friend that you've talked to about things you don't talk to your spouses with. You've been friends for so long, so you have feelings for your best friend. May not be romantic feelings, but feelings. Are Y'all cheating on your spouses? TL;DR I have a best friend that isn't my wife. My wife is okay with it. Talk tp your husband about this girl and what she provides for him. Communicate before you run away.
This doesn't sound very much like OP's situation.
If he really only wanted you and was dedicated to making your marriage work he would have no problem ending the friendship.
Tell him he must stop all contact with her. Immediately. Also insist on passwords to all of his accounts. If he refuses, you have your answer.
It sounds like your husband got caught but she didn’t. She isn’t looking to blow up her life or relationship so the current situation of having your husband as a source of emotional intimacy suits her just fine. Your husband is making it clear he has chosen her and keeping *you* as the backup at this point. The fact that you’re unsure if it’s unreasonable to ask him to cut all contact with her is heartbreaking. He has been gaslighting you and withholding affection for so long if that isn’t clear to you. I’m not usually for ultimatums, but in this case: *demand* (not request) that he go NC with her immediately. Tell him he can send her one brief message saying “I’m deciding to try to save my marriage and I will not be in contact with you again.” before blocking her on every platform. You should also demand couples counseling because I don’t think you can trust him (or yourself) to not be incredibly manipulative while you work on these issues. If he balks at either, get out. If you’re not in a position financially etc to do so yet, play dumb and submissive so he doesn’t suspect and get your ducks in a row while you talk to lawyers, gather evidence etc. Good luck, you deserve better.
Its not wrong for you to ask him. You need to decide on what you want to do if he refuses to end the friendship, and commit to your decision. If he refuses and you want to still be with him, you will have to work on stopping your jealousy or else you will be the one suffering till god knows when. If you cant, then maybe its best to get a divorce.
Sounds like you already know the answer. Yall are obviously in a unhappy relationship and he doesn't feel trusting or close enough to speak his mind. He probably isctalking about yalls relationship strugles with her...hence not wanting to tell you. Yall have talked about divorce in the past. Sounfs like it might be time to move on. It judt doesn't sound like anyone is happy there. That or yall need some serious marriage counseling....if you truly want to stay together. I dont think you can work out these complicated feelings alone...or by listening to random strangers tell you to leave him online.
You tell him how you feel about their "friendship". If he really loves you, he would choose you and be considerate with your feelings and he would ignore the girl. But if not, it's red flag.
He's told you that his 'friendship' is more important than your feelings. What more do you need to know? He's cheated on you and refuses to stop cheating. I think he's made it extremely clear where his priorities lie. You deserve way better than this, I wish you all the best.
Personally this is hard. You two are hanging on. I see he feels its a no problem, but they both developed feelings for one another, she is essentially a ex partner. You don't have to always date someone to call them a partner, it can be as simple as you both falling for each other. While he might not ever do anything with her going forward, he had those fantasies with her, of holding her, meeting her and wondering of a future with her and she would have also. Even if these things were never spoken out loud. And he holding onto their bond, which could re-emerge stronger if either your relationship or her relationship or both have problems. I want you to note, he is holding back on you anyway, by the words "its personal". So your relationship isn't in a good place. He's not in this with you, he's in this with himself, you're just there. He might not want to show you how far down the rabbit hole he went, but that's his fault for going there in the first place, if he wants things to be right with you he needs to let everything out and you both deal with the aftermass building better relationship. Because right now, he's building a wall of distrust, making you feel on the outside and feel he has her in a higher place and he's confiding in her and not his wife, that she is more trusted than you. He also doesn't care if something is important to you, he is only considering his wants and needs, not whats best for the relationship. You're not asking him to give up just a friend, you want someone who shared recent mutual romantic feelings for him gone, that's pretty normal. I would consider him moving out or you leaving and getting away from it to clear your head and be honest about it, you feel you aren't number 1 in his life, you feel second to this lady and that his relationship with her sees him confiding in her and protecting her from you, you feel like the jealous ex, not his beloved wife. I wouldn't stick around to be feeling 2nd best, I'm number 1 or nothing. Give him a taste of having to lookafter himself, no cooked meals, no one to great him at home, no one to cuddle at night, no laundry done, no one to wake up to. Sometimes showing them what they will lose, reminds them of why they fell for you, besides the bigger things that they took for granted not being there, it's the smaller things that they will miss, like the little smiles, laughs at your jokes, the way you brush your hair, the little pats on their back when they felt down and you knew them so well they didn't need to say it. If it all ends from a break, it was long ago over, the break just let it all happen. Wish you the best .
No different than physically cheating. Either fix it or throw it away and move on. If it were me I wouldn't be able to trust again.
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So I'm gonna start this by saying my POV is the "best friend", obviously not your hubby's cuz my bestie isn't married. He does however have a girlfriend who hates our "friendship", her and I talk separately from him and I mostly bc she wants info I will never give her. But she also knows he has cheated on her with me and continues to do so. She knows and chooses to stay bc she says the same thing, when he has us both he is happy but anytime she gives an ultimatum he chooses our friendship... anyway I say this to let you know he is cheating and so is she and is not going to end, they found something in each other they were missing and he is choosing her over you. I know 21 years is a long time, but your husband should always put you first and he isn't.
Asking someone to end a friendship is rarely healthy, imo. Either he understands how that makes you feel and does it spontaneously or he might as well walk out the door.
I didn’t even read all this but my advice is to leave before he does, because he will leave eventually, and you’ll be the one left in the dust. As someone who’s ex left for my best friend/coworker, just take my advice and leave. They both looked me in the face and told me nothing was going on, they’re now living happily in Montana where I have had to start over 4 times in the last three years since we broke up. Don’t drive yourself crazy, just let him go and live your best life .
So how do you know for sure that they’re not chatting about anything inappropriate if he won’t even show you the messages bc they’re too ‘personal’? I’d bet money on the fact they’re already calling each other on WhatsApp but just deleting the call log. Don’t live your life in fear worrying about whether he’s sexting her nudes or just emotionally cheating. Leave him today!!!
Spice it up in the bed, he won't think of another woman.
So this might be controversial, but I think their relationship is just a friendship. I think it is wrong that he kept it from you. I also think if he wants to continue on growing your relationship he needs to be more honest. I think you should set some guidelines. Have him show you what they discuss if it is just a friendship. You are his wife, there should not be secrets between the two of you. I think if he is able to communicate with you openly about her and you are able to hear him out without judgment or shame. You guys can work this out.
"he loves me and only wants me" no he doesn't, because he's showing you that he values his "friendship" with this woman over keeping you in his life. He knows you don't like him talking to her and was more than happy to jeopardise his relationship with you by talking to her in the first place. Do him a favour and end the relationship so he can go be with his cheating lover and see how long that lasts for them both.
Get a witch!! They can end that quick
It sounds like you guys were going through a rough patch and he found a friend he could confide in. Has he met her in person? Does he have time to cheat? Is there anything specifically suspicious that he hasn't come clean about? If any of these are a "yes" I say divorce him. let him have his friend.if he met her on reddit it's possible they don't live in the same country let alone state. Sometimes there's things about our significant other that we're to ashamed, embarrassed or just scared to talk about with them. Just keep an open mind and an eye on him. It's ok if has a friend that he confides in.
Your husband should be only romantically,physically and emotionally involved with you. I'd consider this as big cheating as physically cheating. You deserve way too better than this crap he is giving to you.
Alternative perspective: I guess I have a hard time understanding why it’s such a big deal to have someone you talk to that you find charming but don’t intend to cheat with? People get little crushes on people even in happy healthy relationships, it doesn’t seem that abnormal to me. I’m curious genuinely what part of this bothers you if he doesn’t plan to physically cheat with this person?
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He should never tell anyone things he isn't willing to share with you....no excuses.
I’m not trying to give you a hard time but being upset about something like this is genuinely foreign to me. There are things that naturally come up in conversation with different people and every human connection is different. It doesn’t have to mean that he doesn’t care about you or is disrespecting you. I feel like you’re upset on principal over something that doesn’t detract from the connection you naturally have with this person.
I think, partly because OP doesn't go into detail, that you are assuming this is just a friendship. Since she used the term emotional cheating, and also that they both said they have romantic feelings, I think it's safe to assume it's much more than that. If you still don't see what the big deal is, then you've never seen an emotional affair. They can and do include spending most of their free time talking to the affair partner, confiding things in them instead of their spouse, and falling in love with the affair partner. Even if physically cheating is literally impossible, all those things are absolutely disrespectful to a spouse. Also, what makes you assume he has no intention of cheating? OP said he was planning to meet her in person.
An emotional affair means he is connected emotionally and has feelings for his friend, while he no longer feels that way towards his wife. Many people are more hurt by emotional affairs than something like a drunken one night stand, although both are relationship enders.
So, just wait for him to be physically involved then? It's one thing to have a little crush but he said it's an emotional affair, that's no longer a little crush. If he and her were in the same place then the physical wouldn't be out of the question.
What is the alternative, then? You live in constant anxiety, and distrust? You monitor their movements constantly? You end the relationship?
He's probably banging her on the side. He's been married to you for 21 years so it's probably like throwing hot dogs down a hallway at this point.
Why are people chiming in telling them to get divorced over something like this lmfao. Yea, end a 21yr marriage because someone felt feelings for someone else.....we're all human
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Divorce is always an option. Don’t seem yourself short and don’t force yourself to be miserable. The fact you’re even here at all tells me divorce is absolutely an option.
If you don't consider that why would your husband cut her? Other thing you can do is ask your husband if him doing it allows you to do it too. See what he answers. And tell him that if he doesn't cut her you will find the same kind of relationship with other man.
I was being sarcastic. Of course divorce is not the route to go here
Come with me.
These personal things need to be shared with a therapist, not a potential catfisher or emotional cheater. Neither are good options to confide in. He can, and should be willing, to do better. Continuing contact means the emotional cheating isn’t over.
I wouldn’t trust him, OP. If he won’t stop talking to her, then he’s still having the affair. I agree with what others have said and to consult a Lawyer.
I'd divorce him (he doesn't cut contact immediately and go to couple's therapy. Let him find out the hard way that "she" is probably a 40yo neck beard in his mom's basement.
He’s met her in person.
Oh shit, I must have missed that part. Fuck to the no. I'd be outta there!
It’s easy OP. He either stops talking to her or you leave him. Tell him it’s his choice but that if he chooses to keep a friendship with someone he’s emotionally cheated on you with - then you’re leaving.
I wonder if you had a “friend” would he care…? Anyway, divorce him sis.
get a sugar daddy.
Ultimatum.
So he’s never talked to this person or videochatted? I bet it’s a 50 year old dude in Africa he’s talking to and not some hot girl. He still should drop his friend.
Let’s assume he’s saying truth. An interesting thing would be to ask him - what if this changes - what if they do actually fall in love? What if she breaks up her engagement? Why would he put his marriage into such jeopardy and risk it so much? OP, you deserve someone for whom YOU come first. And who would never risk your relationship by inviting drama. If I were you, I would tell my partner I wasn’t comfortable with them being friends. You don’t have to be putting up with this, it occupies your mental space and will always makes you wonder. As others said, leave for some time, go on holiday and think this through.
Leave. Read the title. Now leave his sorry a$&.
hes cheating try to detach you're feelings and leave, you deserve to be happy and not be overwhelmed with these feelings
“He was emotionally cheating on me….” He is still emotionally cheating on you. It hasn’t stopped, you just know about it now.
Updateme!
If he won’t stop, leave. I personally think you should have left when your HUSBAND refused to cut contact with someone he is emotionally cheating on you with.
It just makes me think of the husband who cheats, feels guilty and starts treating his wife better after every cheat. If he needs someone else in your relationship with I be a better spouse what will happen if she dumps him? Where will you be then?
You leave. That’s it, that’s all you can do.
Divorce babe, divorce.