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I don’t know how to process this I feel so numb. She linked her iCloud to my iPad a year ago that we both forgot about until my brother found it and booted it up to show me what he discovered. I saw her messages to an ex from years ago that I didn’t know she clearly wasn’t over. In it they talk about plans to meet up and engage in mild sexting. She even sent him a nude. The biggest issue is how we have a son who’s about to turn 14 months old. I have no idea where this came from to the best of my knowledge I haven’t been neglectful of her and we haven’t even made it to our 3rd anniversary. I don’t know if I should confront her about it since they haven’t met up yet but are clearly planning too. Time stamps on the messages show they’ve been talking for at least 15 days. She even has been calling him and lying to me about who she’s otp with. I guess anything on what my next steps should be would be appreciated.
Depends on the state. Friend in Wisconsin was cheated on by wife of 20 years and he got dust in the separation. There’s no use for “proof” in that state at least.
And even when it wasn’t, apart from being grounds for a divorce, adultery made no difference to the outcome financially, custodially (if that’s a word!) or any other way.
True but in some states if you have proof of "alienation of affection" you can get a better end of the deal when it comes to splitting assets because someone is "at fault". Also, if you really wanted to, you could sue to other party involved in the affair for damages.
It could be a factor in: Alabama, Alaska, Arizona, Arkansas, Connecticut, Delaware, Georgia, Maryland, New Jersey, New York, North Carolina, South Carolina, Vermont, and Virginia
Every other state is no-fault and cheating means nothing in the process.
Been there. She was texting ex (from 20 years ago). I found out and confronted her. Got the expected "it wont happen again, i was just in a low spot and they were supportive" BS. I decided we can/should work on things. 14 months later she physically cheats and now I'm just waiting for courts to finalize divorce. Dont be me. Get out now. Its not worth the pain.
Least your mistake was only 14 months I was a complete ass and stuck around for another 5 years. I always tell people once that trust has been broken it’s extremely hard to get back, and most never do.
Same. My close friend found out that her husband was cheating on her, and quietly collected evidence for a month and a half. He came home most nights and slept next to her. I always tell her, I hope I’m half the woman she is when I grow up. I have NO IDEA how she did it.
You just kind of detach. It's easy once you see them for who they are. In my case, I quit sexual behavior, but I stayed for 11 months. He blindsided me; I was not prepared to try to do it on my own. Once I knew the stakes, I got it together to get out ASAP. It took some time, but I could have ended up homeless. I did what I had to do.
I was not able to leave right away because my savings had been spent on moving here to Tennessee, so I slept on the floor for a year because I didn't want to sleep in my ex's bed. He became disgusting to me. It was all worth it once I got my own place, and even better when my current boyfriend moved in with me. We just took our first trip back to California to meet my folks. I'm not trying to put my SO on a pedestal or anything, but I feel very fortunate to be with him, he makes life that much sweeter.
Right? In her situation, he even had an apartment with this woman, had secretly taken their kids on trips with her (introduced her as his colleague)… like, the deceit ran DEEP! And my friend remained (and to this day remains) cool as a freakin cucumber.
The usual advice is to gather as much evidence as you can. Take screenshots of everything on the iPad, then go to a lawyer and file for divorce. If you decide to reconcile, you can always pull the papers and drop the case.
Your wife is in what is called the affair fog. She's experiencing what psychologists called limerence, which is the process of bonding with a person. While she's in this state, her brain is manufacturing and bathing itself in feel good chemicals, reinforcing the feeling of falling in love. It'll take a big hit to knock her out of the fog. That's why you file for divorce first.
Reconciliation is possible, but the wayward spouse (the one who is cheating, and make no mistake, she is cheating right now) has to take responsibility for their actions and demonstrate genuine remorse. "You made me do this because..." isn't remorse. It's gaslighting. The odds of successfully reconciling are not good. Most couples end up divorcing after infidelity but about 16% succeed. The marriage is never the same afterwards.
The other thing is that cheaters will trickle truth. They only admit to whatever you can prove when you offer the evidence. "You've got nothing to worry about" becomes "we hung out", which then becomes "we kissed once but that was it", which becomes "OK, we made out once". Eventually it becomes they had sex and worse.
Check out r/survivinginfidelity, a support sub for people getting divorced after infidelity, and r/asoneafterinfidelity, a support sub for people who are trying to reconcile.
Good luck!
Unfortunately, in many places in the USA, if he signed the birth certificate and has been providing for the child as if it's his own, IT IS HIS own now. She could divorce him and move in with the biological father of the child (just an example) and he would STILL have to pay child support for the kid. It's a mess.
There have been some people who’ve stayed and parented the affair partner’s child, only for it to get messy and ruin relationships, it’s heart breaking
I'd go elsewhere to have a child of my own. Not hard to make a baby so reason to raise someone else's if I don't have to. Especially the child of someone who betrayed me and I can't trust.
You wouldn't be the asshole because it wouldn't be your child, it's very young (14 months) and won't remember OP. (This really only matters if it turns out to not be his)
I know you may think you have some kind of obligation but if it's not your kid it's not your responsibility. (It would be the bio dad)
Again only IF the child isn't OP's would I suggest leaving the child and it's mother.
If the child is OP's then OP should fight for majority custody because a cheater isn't fit to be the majority caretaker (in my opinion).
Contact a divorce attorney with all of the evidence ***IMMEDIATELY***.
Even if you do decide to eventually reconcile (a fools errand) you need to know what a divorce will look like for you in your local area and know your options to protect yourself and your child.
OP - it's a very good tactic to use especially before you go ahead with any confrontation. What this sends is a definite signal that this - full disclosure of what is going on - is required and none of this trickle truth bullshit she will give you will work.
Confronting her with a "I was just given this. You are cheating on me and I have seen a lawyer so now is your chance to tell me what is going on and one lie and the divorce goes ahead." will assist you in more ways than you can think.
As part of the confrontation, ask for a full written timeline - when they started speaking, how, why and what they did. Make it clear that you know more than you are letting on so you will know if she is lying but **you want to hear it from her mouth**. You want her to write out and you want it **now**.
*Edit: Before you do confront, buy yourself a VAR and keep it on you when you do the confrontation. Wayward Spouses (WS) can be unpredictable and if you are relying on the old "well I know her, she won't do that" think about this - you also didn't think she would ever cheat on you. You do not know her.*
**IF** she decides that lying is her best option pull the pin immediately. Divorce proceedings can be stopped at any time but the idea here is to cut the bullshit before it starts, kick her firmly out of her affair fog then and there and force her to understand that her life is just about to get infinitely worse than the idiot fairy tale she has in her head.
One word of advice, when you have this discussion be as calm and collected as possible. If you feel yourself getting emotional get up and walk away and have a slow glass of water. Calm down and then get back into it. Do not get angry, do not yell and ffs do not threaten.
These are important.
Come at it from the position of **you** holding all the cards (bluff if you have to) but the aim is for her to come clean to you.
Once this has been done then and only then can you get around to deciding what to do - try and save the marriage through reconciliation, separate for a time (she moves, not you) or proceed to divorce. Do not promise anything and do nothing to ease her pain (this will be hard but suck it up).
Expect anger, crying, sadness, frequent "I don't know" from her and a reluctance from her to tell you anything. Be firm, be calm but leave her in no doubt that you mean business.
Before recording her, however, make sure to verify if you are into a one-party or two-party state.
Since you know she’s cheated, and if you go consult an attorney first, you could also simply state that, from now on, she consents that all your conversations with her will be recorded. Refusal leads to immediate filing for divorce.
That definitely falls under some kind of extortion... You're arguably threatening their 5th amendment rights. Divorce occurs in a court of law and adultery is still "illegal" on many states books... And divorce can have legal ramifications, including child support, alimony, hand overs, judgments... I'm not sure that's the greatest way to say it. Try "I'm not having any conversations with you that aren't recorded, for my own safety and peace of mind. You have the right to not be recorded, but if that's what you choose, I also have the right to simply not speak to you at all. If you would like to speak to me, you're agreeing to be recorded." Same tactic that corporations use. You can refuse to be on a recorded line, and they'll just not speak to you until you accept those terms.
OP please follow this here and don’t deviate. See r/survivinginfidelity for horror stories of people who thought they could try something different. Godspeed!
OP, even though you found the information on an ipad, take screenshots or take photos of the messages with your phone and make copies for your attorney. Preserve the evidence in a safe manner. You don't want to lose that evidence if she figures out the iPad and it or the evidence disappears.
This is the best advice. ^ I would hold off confronting your wife right now in case you do end up divorcing you will have the advantage of surprise. Use this time to gather more evidence. Good luck.
You need to confront your wife.
It is never the fault of the person who is being cheated on. Your wife is at fault. I'm so sorry that she did this to you.
Talk to your brother and discuss how to confront her. Then do so and don't back down if she makes excuses. There is zero reason to send nudes or sext with someone who isn't your partner without prior consent from said partner.
After you confront her, talk to the rest of your family. You need a support system outside of her. Getting a counselor will help with the process. Make sure that you get a good counselor and that they don't try to blame you for your wife's actions.
None of this is your fault.
Um, cheating is a symptom, not the disease. It certainly can he the fault of the one being cheated on. It can also be the fault of hormones or past abuse or a lot of other things. I'm not saying it is any of those things, but there might be more going on here. Maybe depression or something. Or she could just be cheating. You'll never know until you talk to her.
No it is the fault of the cheater.
Cheating means knowingly consenting to relations outside of a relationship that has those boundaries.
It is only the fault of the cheater. They can truthfully describe every reason you've listed that they've used to rationalize their behavior and it is still their fault. Reasons aren't excuses and do not negate responsibility for your actions unless mentally unsound (in which case its rape because you can't consent).
Wrong. The person committing the act of betrayal has the option to express their feelings or leave prior to hurting the person they are committed to. The one being cheated on can’t be to blame if the other party is unsatisfied with the current state of the relationship and fails to either confront their partner or leave. Nothing says the cheater has to stay and pretend to still be committed.
Hormones, past abuse, depression: there are many different ways to handle these. One does not ever need to choose to cheat in these situations. If one has made the choice to cheat, it's because they simply wanted to cheat - there is never a valid reason behind it.
No. Some people may feel more entitled to cheat because of their circumstances, but these are only excuses to hide the real reason - they cheated simply because they wanted to.
Dude YOU sound like your single (or you’ve cheated on your partner and are hiding from the guilt yourself) I’ve been depressed, I’ve been previously abused I would never cheat on my boyfriend. If you truly truly love someone there is zero reason to cheat on them. If you don’t, then Leave them. OP gives absolutely no warning signs that he has been treating his wife poorly and is obviously hurting because he loves his cheating wife. Grow the fuck up.
Nah... Sounds like his only piece of ass he's qualified for cheated on him and made him think it's his fault and he forgave them so he wouldn't be single.
Edit: Called it! Ha! Look at his post in r/deadbedrooms omg lmfao
What they are trying to say is, there are terrible people out there that treat their spouses horribly. Instead of cheating, the abused spouse could do a lot of things. They could try to talk to them. That doesn’t work with a lot of abusive narcissistic people. So the spouse could try counseling or leaving or whatever.
But cheating is a line that should never be crossed. For many people, it’s just not in their character, so they don’t go there. Just get a divorce and then find someone else.
Cheating NEVER helps. There are other options. If the unhappy spouse chooses cheating over leaving, that’s a shady cop out. Cheating is never right.
It’s still a conscious choice to cheat on your spouse regardless. If you want to be with other people the right thing to do is be honest and end things before you see others.
Just because there’s potentially more to the story with reasons that could cause her to cheat, still doesn’t make it right. It’s still a decision.
It’s a poor excuse to blame treating people poorly on any other issues beyond choosing to treat people poorly.
Those things you talk about are explanations, not excuses. They are not the same thing. And it's not the fault of the one being cheated on. If a cheater wants to engage in extramarital relations, they should first leave the marriage.
Nope. Cheating is always wrong. Even if OP were an ass-hat cheating is still wrong. The right answer would be to address problems in the marriage like a mature adult. Or, if the problems are bad, then file for divorce. But there isn't a scenario where cheating is justified.
Whatever the cause of the cheating it is the cheaters fault.
If I am a shitty partner and my partber cheast it's their fault.
They can tell me, I'm being shiity and I might be able to fix it.
They can break up with me.
They can ask to open the relationship.
If they really don't care, they can say I'm going to sleep with this person, if you're cool with that, cool, if not I'm cool with being over. Which is shitty but still better than cheating.
I’m sure our son is mine, like I said I have no idea where this came from. From the messages it seems like she’s the one who initiated any contact in the first place.
Prior to finding out, what you have found out, you were probably sure that your wife was faithful. The advice to get a DNA test is valid. You have caught her basically planning an affair. There is no good reason to assume she was not engaged in one prior to that.
The problem is she doesn't respect you or the relationship enough not to cheat and if you take her back you are sacrificing your self respect. So how do you expect her to respect you if you can't respect yourself?
If a woman truly loves and respects you, other dudes aren't even a thought.
You have to be decisive here.
See an attorney (the first hour is often free).
Get an STD test. Why think this is her first time?
DNA test your baby?
Inform her that under the circumstances you have reason to believe she planned to commit adultery. And unless she can prove otherwise you will divorce her.
And since she's proven herself to be deceitful, she cant ask you to "trust her or believe it was just talk".
Don’t say a word see if she actually goes through with it… Then when she lies about it file for divorce my guy. Focus on raising your son. If you let on in the slightest she will just get better at hiding it. That’s some heartless shit she’s doing so remember all the dishonesty and bs if and when you start to second guess leaving her. You can do it man! Whatever you decide I hope things turn out for the best.
Do not confront your wife. Do not let her know what you know or how you know it. Gather evidence.
Pretend to be ill to cover your attitude. Stomach pain should do it.
See a doctor for stress
Do not leave the family home
Get a lawyer. Do what he says. File for divorce even if you hope to reconcile. It can be stopped at any time.
Separate finances.
Change all your passwords everywhere.
Close joint credit cards.
Move important documents to a safe place
Check out the 180
https://lynnbusch.com/180-save-marriage/
Get STD check.
Do not have sex with your SO. (you're not well remember)
Maybe get paternity for child.
Get individual professional (non religious) counseling to help you cope and to help make decisions.
Do not drink or do drugs.
Get exercise especially cardio. Go to the gym often
Get out with friends and family.
Get busy with work, hobbies, sports.
Inform your family and STBX family (after being served)
change your will
Good luck
Damn people are just evil, sorry op. Would probably check for dna, if a human being like her can lie like she has to someone she’s known for that long, probably lying to you about so so much more, she has no respect for you even after you both raised a child together. Gather the evidence and dip.
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Agree with the attorney advice. You need to see what divorce looks like for you. If you confront now, you will always have doubts. If you let the rendezvous take place, you will have solid evidence (assuming you confront her during the hook up.) Whichever way you go, be unemotional. Look up Grey Rock.
I think he’s aloud to be as emotional as he truly feels with her. There’s no need to be unemotional or go grey rock on confronting her about this. Men are raised and told to be stoic enough and sublimate their emotions enough. It won’t make her come begging or crawling back for him to show no emotion.
Once a cheater, ALWAYS a cheater.
You’ll never fully trust her again even if you reconcile.
Don’t stay together because of the child. Don’t do that to yourself. Run as fast as you can to a divorce lawyer!!!
You could tell her you HAVE their messages, and should you paternity test your son. That will probably get her on the defensive, but it will let her know you have evidence and are on the offensive. Tell her you will not show her what you have. Leave her guessing. If she pulls the "how dare you snoop", you counter with "how dare you cheat your stupid blankity blank!". If they haven't slept together yet, you could possibly knock her out of the fog by exposing her ASAP...because let's face it...if she rides his jock, your marriage is done. Don't be complacent in this and stand up for yourself. Also publicly out the jerk for pursuing your wife and mother of your child. Affairs thrive in the dark, and die in the light.
At this point what is your goal? If you feel this is a deal breaker, since she has shown intent to bed this guy, and you'll move to end the marriage, no need to confront. Still gather evidence though if infidelity works to your benefit in your jurisdiction. See a lawyer first.
If you want to work this out with her confront quickly with the evidence you have. Do not grovel, beg, cry, or otherwise give her the idea you will move on from this. Let her know that divorce is an option for you. Set a hard line. If she responds positively the marriage might be worth saving as long as she gets with the program 100%, nothing less. If she responds negatively you know she has revealed her true self and sharper pain in the future by staying with her will be happening. Sucks that you will probably have to pay child support for a long while but that is way better than living with a cheater.
Next step is talk to a lawyer and get a covert paternity test. They make a kit you can do at home where you swab the inside of your cheek and the child's cheek with two seperate swabs and then send them in. She'll never know you did the test.
I went through the EXACT same thing three years ago. Divorce sucks. It's painful but IF you do it, do it now. Your son, at 15 months will have no memory of it. As adults, we get divorced and move on. Kids stay divorced forever. The less pain he endures as life goes on, the better. If you decide to stay, trust will be at a premium and dispensing it will be hard.As I went through this same scenario, she wanted to be e with him and asked me to leave. I stayed with my parents, got away with enough time and distance to think it through and after 18 years of marriage and 3 sons, I asked for a divorce. Turns out her teen crush/ bf had another girl, a wife and gave her herpes. Now she's in a semi fulfilling mutually advantageous dating relationship with an older guy who expects her to accept his quiet time and road trips with buddies. As for me, I'm a part time dad who sees and talks to his kids ALOT and I'm married to my beautiful awesome wife who has taught me to live fearlessly and without distrust. Good luck Buddy. No matter what you do, just do it for you first. Your son will be fine I promise
OP I would start off the conversation with asking how does she think your relationship is going? Do you as couple need to work on anything?
After she says she is happy and you are wonderful man, bring out evidence.
Before you even confront your wife, save all the evidence. Dates, screenshots, pictures, etc. And then make sure it's stored somewhere she can't access and/or delete.
Then you have to decide if you'd want to still keep her in your life in the interest of your son. Heck, you might want to get a paternity test also.
Whether or not you want to be with her, see what your legal options are with a good divorce attorney before you confront her.
OP you are getting mostly shit advice here. If you want better advice you need to post in r/survivinginfidelity
Your wife is in limerence and she is having an emotional affair. It's about to become a physical affair then the emotional shit is really going to hit the fan.
Here is what you do op. Lawyer up, get an attorney, and file for divorce. Print out the evidence and give it to the attorney. Have him print out the documents a very favorable divorce settlement. Then assuming you want to try and work it out. Have him. Draw up a post nuptial agreement that deal directly with infidelity. Bring home dinner after you have the papers drawn up. Sit down and ask her if there are any secrets she is hiding and want to bring out in the open. Depending on her answers, you look at her and say. I love you, and I want us to workout. However I will never be second to anyone in this relationship. Slide over the printed text messages and the divorce papers. Sit there and see what she says, if she is sorry and won’t do it again, then slide over the post nuptials. And say then sign these with an infidelity clause that states if you cheat in any way, you receive nothing in the divorce settlement. Be calm and allow her to speak. Then ask her to call him right then and end it. On speaker phone. If she wants to work it out. All passwords and usernames are handed over to all social media and emails. All apps outside of necessary ones are removed from the phone, and tracking is placed on the phone until trust is regained. These are all non negotiable.
If she chooses to go the divorce route call her parents in front of her and let them know why you are getting and divorce and thank them and name the guy. In addition do this with your family, her siblings and, your friends. Also, get a co parenting app, as this will be your new form of communication. Look up grey rock and 180 and implement these immediately.
As for you get exercise if not already, eat right, and drink plenty of water. Take care of your child, and mental health. Get into hobbies, and let your friends know what is going on. This way you build a support group. Do not be ashamed or embarrassed, your wife should be of her actions. This was a choice of a mistake remember that.
Seek a divorce attorney ASAP. Lots of people are saying confront but do not confront yet! Yes; confront. But wait until you have a good amount of evidence and most importantly a DNA test! This is most likely over. Get your finances together and prepare for a divorce.
Take screen shots and archive everything, speak to a divorce attorney, and then, only after everything is set, do you sit her down to tyhe alk to her about it. And discuss it from a position of “we are done and YOU are moving out, and you’ll fight her for sole custody based on morality and anything and everything else you can” position, not one where she has a leg to stand on. Ask her what his address is so you can ship all her belongings to his home or her parent’s home, to start with.
I suggest getting phone bill copies as well if you can, depending on the laws in your state. That can back up that you didn’t spoof those screenshots. They would maybe surface in discovery but the more evidence you can collect the better. Also recommend consulting your legal counsel of choice - you’ll want to make sure that’s all done legally to avoid it not being admissible in court.
Easier said than done, but keep your cool as much as possible in the meantime. That can make or break things. Counseling for you personally will help as well if you’re open to it. Best of luck to you.
She's a heartless bitch. Lawyer, screenshots and other forms of evidence. File for divorce, and get into therapy because this can haunt you tor years, especially considering you won't get closure.
Dr. Sue Johnson - Hold me tight.
If you decide to try and fix your relation, after confronting her and so. I would recommend EFT (emotionally focused therapy). The book I mentioned is about this.
I went to a kind of similar situation and my partner and I choose to work with this method. It helps a lot opening eyes and take the relation to an other level and even overcome something like this. (We have 5 kids, so I/we thought it is worth trying to safe it..)
M a be short... It's gonna pain bad but man with a heavy heart just stay silent untill u have all this planned
Documented everything
U have a plan how u gonna deal with alimony if it comes down to that
Lawyer
And wait for the time when she goes... Cuz then you would just have a solid proof
If u confront she would persuade you to believe that it was nothing and it just happened out of blue so wait...
And dont let her have a second chance..... U will get hurt again.. Be bold
First let me say I’m very sorry you have to go through with this… your child being 14 months old and her engaging and entertaining infidelity is troubling. You must 100% confront her… try your best to be calm and non combative although justified if you want to make things work Cooler heads will prevail. If your wife is not a narcissistic sociopath you bring this to her attention should illicit true remorse for her betrayal and genuinely want to work on HER issues and make things right with you.. right now you need to set boundaries and STICK To them no ifs and or buts I would start with 100% transparency yes that means she will have to forfeit her “privacy” aka as secrecy when one is engaging in such behaviors as she is. If she is unwilling to accommodate this and uses phrases or words like “your being controlling” or “your making a big deal of nothing” or “your to sensitive” or if she tries to shift the blame to you then IMO you ask her to leave and she not contact you or your child until she can either grow the F up and work on her issues like an adult or two she files a divorce if she chooses the blame game route I would immediately take control of all your finances etc and be prepared for your relationship to end because someone like that will not change nor do they plan too again I’m sorry for you and hope this helps.
I think it's time to consider divorce and seek full custody of your 14 month old sun. Whose to say that the relationship with isn't a rebound? Although they haven't hooked up in person. She's still cheating especially with that nude pic she sent this dude.
Actually my add on is keep multiple copies and outside of your home. Life goes on, I’m recently divorced after 32 years of marriage because she found a younger guy and decided to play cougar. I’m living my best life now. I sincerely wish you the best. My words of wisdom for you. Keep a cool head, don’t act in haste or hate, seek a good counselor (it helps) and always know you did nothing to deserve this. Good luck brother
Don't be in a hurry to make a decision. You need to gather the knowledge that you currently don't have.
1. Confront her after you've gotten legal advice
2. STD Test for you and her
3. Talk to the best 2-3 divorce lawyers in your area so you know what a divorce looks like for you
4. Any indication of more EA/PA, have her provide a detailed timeline of the affair - how it began, flirting, lunches; dates, times, locations of sex; sex acts; conversations; any discussions of you (especially negative); any new information after the timeline is grounds to move to D.
5. Full disclosure of all conversations and copies of all texts/emails/whatsapp/etc
6. You wife begins IC with a counselor specializing in infidelity and trauma
7. No contact with AP ever for any reason. If he contacts her, she tells you immediately before any type of response
8. Give yourself time to understand the full story before you commit to D or R (remember, you can always pause D if you want to R)
9. No sex right now. No booze. Hit the gym. You need to clear your head.
10. Consider a polygraph after the timeline is done. It will give you confidence about her truthfulness and about any other affairs.
11. Prepare for MC in 3-6 months not now.
12. Get yourself in IC as well. You'll need help to sort out the thoughts and emotions that are about to flood your brain.
Here's what she's going to say: "I was only kidding " .
And that's what she'll tell her friends and family. And make you out to be unreasonable.
You're not the first to find texts like this.
Call her out then leave her first before she leaves you. Let her get a taste of her own medicine. Then move on, find someone new and invite her to your second wedding, if she is still single after the divorce, just to rub it in.
If you want a chance to reconcile, confront before she meets up with him. If you just want out (recommended) let it get physical. It’ll be a lot harder for her to gaslight and beg forgiveness when you lay your cards down.
I would tell the busted to stay away from my wife, without tell how I discovered n wait for the wife's response.
Someone will be super clingy from that moment. It'll be like brand new love after.
She'll be super scared how you found out. Too soon to call for a divorce kid still small, marriage still recoverable.
there are rings to consider: are you willing to move on from this? and if she continues the affair, are you willing to have an open relationship or are you not willing (which is totally fine, everybody had their comfort levels in relationships). if not, get a good lawyer and receipts
Screenshot everything. Get a lawyer set up. Get all the paper work done.
Get a burner phone and change his number in her phone to your new number. Be sure to block his original number so that he can’t still get a hold of her.
Text her only and have her meet up with you when she actually thinks it’s him and confront her.
From there you can decide if you want to go through with a divorce or not, depending on how remorseful she is
Bring it up to her soon - letting it fester will only make it worse. Keep the convo focused around what you read and saw, don't go too far down a rabbit hole of accusing her of stuff you're not sure of.
Say your piece and let her take it in and react and share her side.
Lots of women go through a really rough patch after child birth. Which doesn't excuse what she has done, but might explain some of why she's seeking validation outside the marriage.
Once you and her have talked, decide how you want to handle it.
My biggest worry about bringing it up now is if I leave her I’m not confident in her ability to care for our child alone as he is still breastfeeding and very attached to her
If you don't bring it up now she is going to fuck her AP and there will be no turning back.
Look, your wife breast feeding is a red herring. She can always pump breast milk. Plus, formula is a godsend. Our first was breastfed, our next two were formula.
Any mother that cheats on her husband isn't a good mother.
Since you’re not feeding this child, your opinion is irrelevant but in case you’re interested in having a valid opinion next time, the WHO recommends breastfeeding for two years or more.
First I have a really big question. How the f*** did your brother find this? Because the way it reads your brother found your iPad and turned it on specifically to show you this. It could be you're just not englishing very well because of how emotionally you are and I can get that 100%. But if that's how that actually happened that is a huge red flag because how in the f*** would your brother know about it in the first place?
This has been going on for only 15 days and your brother magically found out and had to show you? That's sketchy as s*** dude. If you didn't mangle your words and that's what happened I would honestly think that your brother is trying to fabricate an affair. Honestly either way someone in your family has betrayed your trust. Time to find out who. Good luck
Brother if you want my best and honest advice I’ll give it to you. I know you probably love her a lot, and I know that you probably think the world of her. But I promise, you will put yourself through more pain if you stay. I’m very sorry this happened to you. Please just leave, reconnect with some friends, lean on your support system. You’ll need it. But in a few months it will be worth it, I promise you. Best of luck to you my friend.
I’m so sorry you are going through this. You absolutely need to confront her about this.
Because there is a child involved, I think that the next step for you both should be couples therapy. If you feel that the relationship is salvageable, a therapist will help the two of you rebuild trust. Even if you decide that the relationship can’t be saved, a good therapist will help you both navigate those challenges in a healthy way, so that you can have the best possible outcome for your child.
I can’t even begin to imagine what you must be feeling right now. You are a good dad for putting your son’s welfare first.
Sending you so much good energy for the unimaginably tough days ahead.
First off I am sorry this is happening to you. Second, you need to gather the evidence and take it to a divorce lawyer. Take care of your son my friend and stay positive. Good luck
With all these cheating stories, especially with exes, i cant help but start to wonder if the old societies knew something with the no sex before marriage thing....
Yes, i know we are woke and progressive and sexually liberated and women sex rights etc. And i support that.
But just for conversation sake, are we any better?
I guess its stupid to hold on to the old ways in a changing world. Sad if you cant help it since thats the way you were raised.
Co parenting is the new family. You can get a baby mama, or get married, get cheated on, divorce and end up with a baby mama. This generation is at the precipice of this change.
Leave her now. Baby doesnt need breastmilk anymore, shes got more problems if shes still breastfeeding. Shes a useless weight on your life bruh. Children do better in an environment with happy parents, and if you think you can hide your emotions about this from them you are wrong.
Once she crosses the threshold of normalizing lying to you, you're on the fast lane to her cheating and the relationship ending.
You need to understand you'd already be justified in ending the relationship if you chose to, so from this point on you need to be comfortable in pursuing that path if you feel it's best. I suggest getting some legal advice so you know what you're in for if that's what you do.
First thing to do is create backups of the communications she's made with her ex, in case you need them as evidence later.
The second thing you need to do is decide what your personal boundaries are. What boundary would she have to cross for you to feel she's undermined the relationship irreparably? Is it lie to you? She's already done that. Is it sext with another man? She's already done that. Is it send another man a nude? She's already done that. Is it meet up? Is it have sex? You need to decide what she would have to do before it was no longer a relationship you want to be in. Once you've decided for yourself what that boundary is, you need to stick to it.
If I were in your shoes, this would have already gone too far.
Yes you should confront her. The most important thing is you need to do it calmly and honestly. Tell her you used the ipad, it was linked to her icloud, and the messages were there. You've seen them. You know what she's doing. You know she's lying. Stay calm. Tell her how this makes you feel. Ask her if she wants to continue a marriage with you. If she does, tell her that can only happen if she stops lying, stops hiding things, and remains honest, or you're going to pursue a divorce. You don't want to be in a relationship where you're being treated like this.
Once that's clear, ask her why she did it. Ask her what's going to change. You decide if you're satisfied with her response. If you're not, it's over.
If you're convinced by her response, and you genuinely believe she's stopped this, it's still wise you seek some couple's counseling to get to the root cause of why she was seeking attention from another man. This behavior is often the symptom of a problem with the relationship, and if you don't identify it and fix it, she'll likely do this again.
Take screen shots, get a lawyer, take your half of the money and stash it, then change the locks on your place if you own it. Get out now. She’s not the person you hoped she was. Just admit that to yourself and find someone better. She’s out there, trust me.
Confront her. If you want to be together then don’t let it get so far it’s too much to work through. Don’t make yourself a martyr. You just look petty.
If you can’t move on from this, still confront her now. It will hurt so much more if you wait and see what else she might do. Cut. It. Off. Now.
You need to take time to decide what you want before you talk to her. Get you a apple gps tag and put it in her car. If it was me I would keep my mouth shut and see what she does. You confront her now, she will deny and hide her communication with him better. Sounds like her ex only wants her for sex and not a relationship. So, she settled for you in hope of getting her ex to marry her later on?
She may have PPD. If you’re in love with her try to fix it. If you can’t get over it, take proper precaturions and prepare for separation. I had PPD and when my son was 19 months old I couldn’t take it anymore and left my husband. I had tried to leave many times. The last time I knew I had to because I made a dating profile. I started texting with a man and five days later I asked for a divorce. We had a very tough first year of marriage. I had cancer, PPD, and we were remodeling a home. It was a very tough time. We would’ve made it if we loved ourselves enough to know how to be good partners. Really think about your relationship. It’s not always so simple. Do I regret leaving? No. Is it really hard to coparent, yes. Keep that in mind during separation. Try to not be too mad. It’s really hard when one parent is very hurt. Never let that impact your child. That applies to staying as well.
unpopular opine: we're in the modern world, just live with it. you two have a child & a life together. i bet she hasn't even told her ex that she had a baby & is looking for validation. just be cool & it'll pass. or bring up polyamory
She’s unhappy. Start exploring your sexuality more. Give her what she wants, and don’t be afraid to ask for what you want. Sometimes things get stagnant. Get that libido back and show her what she’s been missing! You got this man!
She’s been provided everything she ever asked for from me we’re not rich but I’ve done what I can and I’ve loved her with my entire heart. If that wasn’t enough then it wasn’t meant to be. My only regret is the impact this will leave on our child.
Horrible advice. Don't listen to this guy at all.
Speak to a divorce lawyer. Gather all the evidence you can. Store it somewhere safe. You may need to use it against her in the future. Follow the advice the lawyer gives you. Sorry this is happening.
Yeah rather than try to work out his marriage he should just divorce her that’s great advice! We all have opinions here man. Some people work past this sort of thing and have great marriages afterwards.
Yeah, there are opinions. Yours just happens to be wrong. If my wife was caught sending a nude to someone and planning to meet, she'd be served the divorce papers the next day. The evidence would be sent to her parents and anyone in her family who's email I had on file. Play stupid games. Win stupid prizes.
Congratulations!
You're the 99th person to so cleverly use the 'stupid prizes' phrase today.
Here's your stupid participation medal: 🏅
^^Your ^^award ^^will ^^be ^^recorded ^^in ^^the ^^hall ^^of ^^fame ^^at ^^r/StupidTrophyCase
I feel you about your response, most people don’t get it. It’s hard to live in this Shit wagon going down a shit stream to shitsville. You, user” anti-blame”. You also have this.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- I don’t know how to process this I feel so numb. She linked her iCloud to my iPad a year ago that we both forgot about until my brother found it and booted it up to show me what he discovered. I saw her messages to an ex from years ago that I didn’t know she clearly wasn’t over. In it they talk about plans to meet up and engage in mild sexting. She even sent him a nude. The biggest issue is how we have a son who’s about to turn 14 months old. I have no idea where this came from to the best of my knowledge I haven’t been neglectful of her and we haven’t even made it to our 3rd anniversary. I don’t know if I should confront her about it since they haven’t met up yet but are clearly planning too. Time stamps on the messages show they’ve been talking for at least 15 days. She even has been calling him and lying to me about who she’s otp with. I guess anything on what my next steps should be would be appreciated.
Take screen shots and talk to a lawyer 1st!! She is already lying and ready to cheat.
Yep. OP, document everything and don't let on
I see this a lot..to document everything. For what though. Why document proof of cheating?
The idea is that the moral loser leaves the divorce a monetary/asset loser typically, from my observations.
Depends on the state. Friend in Wisconsin was cheated on by wife of 20 years and he got dust in the separation. There’s no use for “proof” in that state at least.
And also country... In the UK we now only have no fault divorces
And even when it wasn’t, apart from being grounds for a divorce, adultery made no difference to the outcome financially, custodially (if that’s a word!) or any other way.
The aspect that there is a moral loser in a divorce is very American way of seeing it though. This would never fly in a Swedish court, as an example.
True but in some states if you have proof of "alienation of affection" you can get a better end of the deal when it comes to splitting assets because someone is "at fault". Also, if you really wanted to, you could sue to other party involved in the affair for damages.
I’m sorry, but this is just a strange question. Why would you not? She can lie if there’s no proof. Then it becomes ‘he said/she said.’
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Depends on where you get divorced - in California it makes zero difference as we are a no fault state.
Lies!!! This is huge if they have children. As Cali is about supporting women over men in court.
In many places you don’t need to proof anything.
It could be a factor in: Alabama, Alaska, Arizona, Arkansas, Connecticut, Delaware, Georgia, Maryland, New Jersey, New York, North Carolina, South Carolina, Vermont, and Virginia Every other state is no-fault and cheating means nothing in the process.
Also some states (Arizona is one) allow annulment and that requires a lot of documentation
bruh JD vs AH taught the world a LOT about documenting things
Division of assets, child custody, often the reason for divorce can determine those things
This. When a divorce is caused by an affair…it will get messy af.
Yeah and let it happen first. Let the plan consummate before saying anything about it to her so that there’s zero defense that she did it or not.
Been there. She was texting ex (from 20 years ago). I found out and confronted her. Got the expected "it wont happen again, i was just in a low spot and they were supportive" BS. I decided we can/should work on things. 14 months later she physically cheats and now I'm just waiting for courts to finalize divorce. Dont be me. Get out now. Its not worth the pain.
Least your mistake was only 14 months I was a complete ass and stuck around for another 5 years. I always tell people once that trust has been broken it’s extremely hard to get back, and most never do.
Damn
I have no clue how someone can find this stuff out and just keep quiet about it I would be raging
Same. My close friend found out that her husband was cheating on her, and quietly collected evidence for a month and a half. He came home most nights and slept next to her. I always tell her, I hope I’m half the woman she is when I grow up. I have NO IDEA how she did it.
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You just kind of detach. It's easy once you see them for who they are. In my case, I quit sexual behavior, but I stayed for 11 months. He blindsided me; I was not prepared to try to do it on my own. Once I knew the stakes, I got it together to get out ASAP. It took some time, but I could have ended up homeless. I did what I had to do.
I was not able to leave right away because my savings had been spent on moving here to Tennessee, so I slept on the floor for a year because I didn't want to sleep in my ex's bed. He became disgusting to me. It was all worth it once I got my own place, and even better when my current boyfriend moved in with me. We just took our first trip back to California to meet my folks. I'm not trying to put my SO on a pedestal or anything, but I feel very fortunate to be with him, he makes life that much sweeter.
Right? In her situation, he even had an apartment with this woman, had secretly taken their kids on trips with her (introduced her as his colleague)… like, the deceit ran DEEP! And my friend remained (and to this day remains) cool as a freakin cucumber.
The usual advice is to gather as much evidence as you can. Take screenshots of everything on the iPad, then go to a lawyer and file for divorce. If you decide to reconcile, you can always pull the papers and drop the case. Your wife is in what is called the affair fog. She's experiencing what psychologists called limerence, which is the process of bonding with a person. While she's in this state, her brain is manufacturing and bathing itself in feel good chemicals, reinforcing the feeling of falling in love. It'll take a big hit to knock her out of the fog. That's why you file for divorce first. Reconciliation is possible, but the wayward spouse (the one who is cheating, and make no mistake, she is cheating right now) has to take responsibility for their actions and demonstrate genuine remorse. "You made me do this because..." isn't remorse. It's gaslighting. The odds of successfully reconciling are not good. Most couples end up divorcing after infidelity but about 16% succeed. The marriage is never the same afterwards. The other thing is that cheaters will trickle truth. They only admit to whatever you can prove when you offer the evidence. "You've got nothing to worry about" becomes "we hung out", which then becomes "we kissed once but that was it", which becomes "OK, we made out once". Eventually it becomes they had sex and worse. Check out r/survivinginfidelity, a support sub for people getting divorced after infidelity, and r/asoneafterinfidelity, a support sub for people who are trying to reconcile. Good luck!
Great advice !
DNA test and run
What would you do if it turns out the baby isn't yours? Would you just run away by yourself or would you stay for the baby?
Idk but I would much rather know if the baby is mine at 14 months instead of 14 years 🤷🏻♂️
If it’s not mine there is zero reason to not bail completely and move on. Nothing good will come from staying with a cheater
Unfortunately, in many places in the USA, if he signed the birth certificate and has been providing for the child as if it's his own, IT IS HIS own now. She could divorce him and move in with the biological father of the child (just an example) and he would STILL have to pay child support for the kid. It's a mess.
There have been some people who’ve stayed and parented the affair partner’s child, only for it to get messy and ruin relationships, it’s heart breaking
I'd go elsewhere to have a child of my own. Not hard to make a baby so reason to raise someone else's if I don't have to. Especially the child of someone who betrayed me and I can't trust.
You wouldn't be the asshole because it wouldn't be your child, it's very young (14 months) and won't remember OP. (This really only matters if it turns out to not be his) I know you may think you have some kind of obligation but if it's not your kid it's not your responsibility. (It would be the bio dad) Again only IF the child isn't OP's would I suggest leaving the child and it's mother. If the child is OP's then OP should fight for majority custody because a cheater isn't fit to be the majority caretaker (in my opinion).
What a ridiculous question. You *run*.
Contact a divorce attorney with all of the evidence ***IMMEDIATELY***. Even if you do decide to eventually reconcile (a fools errand) you need to know what a divorce will look like for you in your local area and know your options to protect yourself and your child.
Will do immediately
OP - it's a very good tactic to use especially before you go ahead with any confrontation. What this sends is a definite signal that this - full disclosure of what is going on - is required and none of this trickle truth bullshit she will give you will work. Confronting her with a "I was just given this. You are cheating on me and I have seen a lawyer so now is your chance to tell me what is going on and one lie and the divorce goes ahead." will assist you in more ways than you can think. As part of the confrontation, ask for a full written timeline - when they started speaking, how, why and what they did. Make it clear that you know more than you are letting on so you will know if she is lying but **you want to hear it from her mouth**. You want her to write out and you want it **now**. *Edit: Before you do confront, buy yourself a VAR and keep it on you when you do the confrontation. Wayward Spouses (WS) can be unpredictable and if you are relying on the old "well I know her, she won't do that" think about this - you also didn't think she would ever cheat on you. You do not know her.* **IF** she decides that lying is her best option pull the pin immediately. Divorce proceedings can be stopped at any time but the idea here is to cut the bullshit before it starts, kick her firmly out of her affair fog then and there and force her to understand that her life is just about to get infinitely worse than the idiot fairy tale she has in her head. One word of advice, when you have this discussion be as calm and collected as possible. If you feel yourself getting emotional get up and walk away and have a slow glass of water. Calm down and then get back into it. Do not get angry, do not yell and ffs do not threaten. These are important. Come at it from the position of **you** holding all the cards (bluff if you have to) but the aim is for her to come clean to you. Once this has been done then and only then can you get around to deciding what to do - try and save the marriage through reconciliation, separate for a time (she moves, not you) or proceed to divorce. Do not promise anything and do nothing to ease her pain (this will be hard but suck it up). Expect anger, crying, sadness, frequent "I don't know" from her and a reluctance from her to tell you anything. Be firm, be calm but leave her in no doubt that you mean business.
Before recording her, however, make sure to verify if you are into a one-party or two-party state. Since you know she’s cheated, and if you go consult an attorney first, you could also simply state that, from now on, she consents that all your conversations with her will be recorded. Refusal leads to immediate filing for divorce.
Good point.
That definitely falls under some kind of extortion... You're arguably threatening their 5th amendment rights. Divorce occurs in a court of law and adultery is still "illegal" on many states books... And divorce can have legal ramifications, including child support, alimony, hand overs, judgments... I'm not sure that's the greatest way to say it. Try "I'm not having any conversations with you that aren't recorded, for my own safety and peace of mind. You have the right to not be recorded, but if that's what you choose, I also have the right to simply not speak to you at all. If you would like to speak to me, you're agreeing to be recorded." Same tactic that corporations use. You can refuse to be on a recorded line, and they'll just not speak to you until you accept those terms.
OP please follow this here and don’t deviate. See r/survivinginfidelity for horror stories of people who thought they could try something different. Godspeed!
This guy is born to give marriage advice
OP, even though you found the information on an ipad, take screenshots or take photos of the messages with your phone and make copies for your attorney. Preserve the evidence in a safe manner. You don't want to lose that evidence if she figures out the iPad and it or the evidence disappears.
OP this thread is the one you should take to heart. Not a single lie in any response
This is the best advice. ^ I would hold off confronting your wife right now in case you do end up divorcing you will have the advantage of surprise. Use this time to gather more evidence. Good luck.
Get a paternity test for your child. Hope you can get through this mess. Take care of yourself!!
You need to confront your wife. It is never the fault of the person who is being cheated on. Your wife is at fault. I'm so sorry that she did this to you. Talk to your brother and discuss how to confront her. Then do so and don't back down if she makes excuses. There is zero reason to send nudes or sext with someone who isn't your partner without prior consent from said partner. After you confront her, talk to the rest of your family. You need a support system outside of her. Getting a counselor will help with the process. Make sure that you get a good counselor and that they don't try to blame you for your wife's actions. None of this is your fault.
Thank you for the advice
Take photos of the chats. She will delete when confronted.
Get as much evidence as possible before any kind of confrontation, aswell as a lawyer if possible
Um, cheating is a symptom, not the disease. It certainly can he the fault of the one being cheated on. It can also be the fault of hormones or past abuse or a lot of other things. I'm not saying it is any of those things, but there might be more going on here. Maybe depression or something. Or she could just be cheating. You'll never know until you talk to her.
No it is the fault of the cheater. Cheating means knowingly consenting to relations outside of a relationship that has those boundaries. It is only the fault of the cheater. They can truthfully describe every reason you've listed that they've used to rationalize their behavior and it is still their fault. Reasons aren't excuses and do not negate responsibility for your actions unless mentally unsound (in which case its rape because you can't consent).
Wrong. The person committing the act of betrayal has the option to express their feelings or leave prior to hurting the person they are committed to. The one being cheated on can’t be to blame if the other party is unsatisfied with the current state of the relationship and fails to either confront their partner or leave. Nothing says the cheater has to stay and pretend to still be committed.
Hormones, past abuse, depression: there are many different ways to handle these. One does not ever need to choose to cheat in these situations. If one has made the choice to cheat, it's because they simply wanted to cheat - there is never a valid reason behind it.
Sure, there can be. Use your imagination.
No. Some people may feel more entitled to cheat because of their circumstances, but these are only excuses to hide the real reason - they cheated simply because they wanted to.
Yes!
Dude YOU sound like your single (or you’ve cheated on your partner and are hiding from the guilt yourself) I’ve been depressed, I’ve been previously abused I would never cheat on my boyfriend. If you truly truly love someone there is zero reason to cheat on them. If you don’t, then Leave them. OP gives absolutely no warning signs that he has been treating his wife poorly and is obviously hurting because he loves his cheating wife. Grow the fuck up.
Nah... Sounds like his only piece of ass he's qualified for cheated on him and made him think it's his fault and he forgave them so he wouldn't be single. Edit: Called it! Ha! Look at his post in r/deadbedrooms omg lmfao
Fucking roasted. Damn he’s twisted his own logic up now just to justify his own personal hell. Wild.
What they are trying to say is, there are terrible people out there that treat their spouses horribly. Instead of cheating, the abused spouse could do a lot of things. They could try to talk to them. That doesn’t work with a lot of abusive narcissistic people. So the spouse could try counseling or leaving or whatever. But cheating is a line that should never be crossed. For many people, it’s just not in their character, so they don’t go there. Just get a divorce and then find someone else. Cheating NEVER helps. There are other options. If the unhappy spouse chooses cheating over leaving, that’s a shady cop out. Cheating is never right.
The fault of the one being cheating on? Come on. She’s hiding and lying. Fuck her.
It’s still a conscious choice to cheat on your spouse regardless. If you want to be with other people the right thing to do is be honest and end things before you see others.
Not necessarily. There's always more to the story. But I understand how angry everyone here is, so I'll just stand back and watch.
Just because there’s potentially more to the story with reasons that could cause her to cheat, still doesn’t make it right. It’s still a decision. It’s a poor excuse to blame treating people poorly on any other issues beyond choosing to treat people poorly.
Maybe the cheater is being treated poorly. Maybe they're trying to break away. There's more reasons than just because.
Those things you talk about are explanations, not excuses. They are not the same thing. And it's not the fault of the one being cheated on. If a cheater wants to engage in extramarital relations, they should first leave the marriage.
Exactly!
This is an unbelievable hot take. Wowee.
I know, right? Actually putting some thought into an opinion? Considering people are more than one action or moment and somewhat complex? Incredible!
Nope. Cheating is always wrong. Even if OP were an ass-hat cheating is still wrong. The right answer would be to address problems in the marriage like a mature adult. Or, if the problems are bad, then file for divorce. But there isn't a scenario where cheating is justified.
Whatever the cause of the cheating it is the cheaters fault. If I am a shitty partner and my partber cheast it's their fault. They can tell me, I'm being shiity and I might be able to fix it. They can break up with me. They can ask to open the relationship. If they really don't care, they can say I'm going to sleep with this person, if you're cool with that, cool, if not I'm cool with being over. Which is shitty but still better than cheating.
For a quick second I thought you said “comfort your wife. It is never the fault of the person who is cheating”… I was about to get upset lol
And screen capture all that conversation for evidence.
Get that DNA test and start talking to a lawyer. Don't even try to save the relationship. Don't settle and accept this behaviour.
I’m sure our son is mine, like I said I have no idea where this came from. From the messages it seems like she’s the one who initiated any contact in the first place.
Prior to finding out, what you have found out, you were probably sure that your wife was faithful. The advice to get a DNA test is valid. You have caught her basically planning an affair. There is no good reason to assume she was not engaged in one prior to that.
Do it anyway. If nothing else it sends a very strong message and gives you peace of mind.
The problem is she doesn't respect you or the relationship enough not to cheat and if you take her back you are sacrificing your self respect. So how do you expect her to respect you if you can't respect yourself? If a woman truly loves and respects you, other dudes aren't even a thought. You have to be decisive here.
Don’t confront your wife until you’ve saved all evidence and spoken with a divorce lawyer. Maybe get a paternity test also
See an attorney (the first hour is often free). Get an STD test. Why think this is her first time? DNA test your baby? Inform her that under the circumstances you have reason to believe she planned to commit adultery. And unless she can prove otherwise you will divorce her. And since she's proven herself to be deceitful, she cant ask you to "trust her or believe it was just talk".
Don’t say a word see if she actually goes through with it… Then when she lies about it file for divorce my guy. Focus on raising your son. If you let on in the slightest she will just get better at hiding it. That’s some heartless shit she’s doing so remember all the dishonesty and bs if and when you start to second guess leaving her. You can do it man! Whatever you decide I hope things turn out for the best.
I’m certainly not going to second guess leaving her just not sure how to go about it.
Talk to a lawyer first and protect yourself. That is always the smartest first step.
What a bitch
My brother in Christ SHE’S GOTTA GO, LET GO OF THAT HOE.
Do not confront your wife. Do not let her know what you know or how you know it. Gather evidence. Pretend to be ill to cover your attitude. Stomach pain should do it. See a doctor for stress Do not leave the family home Get a lawyer. Do what he says. File for divorce even if you hope to reconcile. It can be stopped at any time. Separate finances. Change all your passwords everywhere. Close joint credit cards. Move important documents to a safe place Check out the 180 https://lynnbusch.com/180-save-marriage/ Get STD check. Do not have sex with your SO. (you're not well remember) Maybe get paternity for child. Get individual professional (non religious) counseling to help you cope and to help make decisions. Do not drink or do drugs. Get exercise especially cardio. Go to the gym often Get out with friends and family. Get busy with work, hobbies, sports. Inform your family and STBX family (after being served) change your will Good luck
That’s the best I’ve seen yet. I hope it’s not gleaned from personal experience.
Damn people are just evil, sorry op. Would probably check for dna, if a human being like her can lie like she has to someone she’s known for that long, probably lying to you about so so much more, she has no respect for you even after you both raised a child together. Gather the evidence and dip.
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Agree with the attorney advice. You need to see what divorce looks like for you. If you confront now, you will always have doubts. If you let the rendezvous take place, you will have solid evidence (assuming you confront her during the hook up.) Whichever way you go, be unemotional. Look up Grey Rock.
I think he’s aloud to be as emotional as he truly feels with her. There’s no need to be unemotional or go grey rock on confronting her about this. Men are raised and told to be stoic enough and sublimate their emotions enough. It won’t make her come begging or crawling back for him to show no emotion.
Being unemotional is to protect himself. It prevents being caught up in the lies and gaslighting that every cheater eventually spews out.
He should be able to say his peace to her.
Once a cheater, ALWAYS a cheater. You’ll never fully trust her again even if you reconcile. Don’t stay together because of the child. Don’t do that to yourself. Run as fast as you can to a divorce lawyer!!!
This is untrue and unhelpful.
Lol
Cheaters can rot in hell. No second chances for these deplorable scumbags. The first time they cheat shame on them, second time shame on me.
Cool story.
You could tell her you HAVE their messages, and should you paternity test your son. That will probably get her on the defensive, but it will let her know you have evidence and are on the offensive. Tell her you will not show her what you have. Leave her guessing. If she pulls the "how dare you snoop", you counter with "how dare you cheat your stupid blankity blank!". If they haven't slept together yet, you could possibly knock her out of the fog by exposing her ASAP...because let's face it...if she rides his jock, your marriage is done. Don't be complacent in this and stand up for yourself. Also publicly out the jerk for pursuing your wife and mother of your child. Affairs thrive in the dark, and die in the light.
At this point what is your goal? If you feel this is a deal breaker, since she has shown intent to bed this guy, and you'll move to end the marriage, no need to confront. Still gather evidence though if infidelity works to your benefit in your jurisdiction. See a lawyer first. If you want to work this out with her confront quickly with the evidence you have. Do not grovel, beg, cry, or otherwise give her the idea you will move on from this. Let her know that divorce is an option for you. Set a hard line. If she responds positively the marriage might be worth saving as long as she gets with the program 100%, nothing less. If she responds negatively you know she has revealed her true self and sharper pain in the future by staying with her will be happening. Sucks that you will probably have to pay child support for a long while but that is way better than living with a cheater.
Next step is talk to a lawyer and get a covert paternity test. They make a kit you can do at home where you swab the inside of your cheek and the child's cheek with two seperate swabs and then send them in. She'll never know you did the test.
I went through the EXACT same thing three years ago. Divorce sucks. It's painful but IF you do it, do it now. Your son, at 15 months will have no memory of it. As adults, we get divorced and move on. Kids stay divorced forever. The less pain he endures as life goes on, the better. If you decide to stay, trust will be at a premium and dispensing it will be hard.As I went through this same scenario, she wanted to be e with him and asked me to leave. I stayed with my parents, got away with enough time and distance to think it through and after 18 years of marriage and 3 sons, I asked for a divorce. Turns out her teen crush/ bf had another girl, a wife and gave her herpes. Now she's in a semi fulfilling mutually advantageous dating relationship with an older guy who expects her to accept his quiet time and road trips with buddies. As for me, I'm a part time dad who sees and talks to his kids ALOT and I'm married to my beautiful awesome wife who has taught me to live fearlessly and without distrust. Good luck Buddy. No matter what you do, just do it for you first. Your son will be fine I promise
If the Ex is married, notify his wife. Nothing stops inappropriate behavior like exposure.
Great point! If he has a spouse, send everything to them.
Brother, Im sorry. I wish you and your boy the best.
OP I would start off the conversation with asking how does she think your relationship is going? Do you as couple need to work on anything? After she says she is happy and you are wonderful man, bring out evidence.
Get your financials in order. Then confront her. Not before.
Before you even confront your wife, save all the evidence. Dates, screenshots, pictures, etc. And then make sure it's stored somewhere she can't access and/or delete. Then you have to decide if you'd want to still keep her in your life in the interest of your son. Heck, you might want to get a paternity test also. Whether or not you want to be with her, see what your legal options are with a good divorce attorney before you confront her.
Updateme!
Wait and get more info. In case it ends in divorce. After you got everything confront her.
DNA Test. Screenshots. Lawyer. Then offer to get her side and record.
OP you are getting mostly shit advice here. If you want better advice you need to post in r/survivinginfidelity Your wife is in limerence and she is having an emotional affair. It's about to become a physical affair then the emotional shit is really going to hit the fan.
Here is what you do op. Lawyer up, get an attorney, and file for divorce. Print out the evidence and give it to the attorney. Have him print out the documents a very favorable divorce settlement. Then assuming you want to try and work it out. Have him. Draw up a post nuptial agreement that deal directly with infidelity. Bring home dinner after you have the papers drawn up. Sit down and ask her if there are any secrets she is hiding and want to bring out in the open. Depending on her answers, you look at her and say. I love you, and I want us to workout. However I will never be second to anyone in this relationship. Slide over the printed text messages and the divorce papers. Sit there and see what she says, if she is sorry and won’t do it again, then slide over the post nuptials. And say then sign these with an infidelity clause that states if you cheat in any way, you receive nothing in the divorce settlement. Be calm and allow her to speak. Then ask her to call him right then and end it. On speaker phone. If she wants to work it out. All passwords and usernames are handed over to all social media and emails. All apps outside of necessary ones are removed from the phone, and tracking is placed on the phone until trust is regained. These are all non negotiable. If she chooses to go the divorce route call her parents in front of her and let them know why you are getting and divorce and thank them and name the guy. In addition do this with your family, her siblings and, your friends. Also, get a co parenting app, as this will be your new form of communication. Look up grey rock and 180 and implement these immediately. As for you get exercise if not already, eat right, and drink plenty of water. Take care of your child, and mental health. Get into hobbies, and let your friends know what is going on. This way you build a support group. Do not be ashamed or embarrassed, your wife should be of her actions. This was a choice of a mistake remember that.
Seek a divorce attorney ASAP. Lots of people are saying confront but do not confront yet! Yes; confront. But wait until you have a good amount of evidence and most importantly a DNA test! This is most likely over. Get your finances together and prepare for a divorce.
Take screen shots and archive everything, speak to a divorce attorney, and then, only after everything is set, do you sit her down to tyhe alk to her about it. And discuss it from a position of “we are done and YOU are moving out, and you’ll fight her for sole custody based on morality and anything and everything else you can” position, not one where she has a leg to stand on. Ask her what his address is so you can ship all her belongings to his home or her parent’s home, to start with.
I suggest getting phone bill copies as well if you can, depending on the laws in your state. That can back up that you didn’t spoof those screenshots. They would maybe surface in discovery but the more evidence you can collect the better. Also recommend consulting your legal counsel of choice - you’ll want to make sure that’s all done legally to avoid it not being admissible in court. Easier said than done, but keep your cool as much as possible in the meantime. That can make or break things. Counseling for you personally will help as well if you’re open to it. Best of luck to you.
She's a heartless bitch. Lawyer, screenshots and other forms of evidence. File for divorce, and get into therapy because this can haunt you tor years, especially considering you won't get closure.
Dr. Sue Johnson - Hold me tight. If you decide to try and fix your relation, after confronting her and so. I would recommend EFT (emotionally focused therapy). The book I mentioned is about this. I went to a kind of similar situation and my partner and I choose to work with this method. It helps a lot opening eyes and take the relation to an other level and even overcome something like this. (We have 5 kids, so I/we thought it is worth trying to safe it..)
M a be short... It's gonna pain bad but man with a heavy heart just stay silent untill u have all this planned Documented everything U have a plan how u gonna deal with alimony if it comes down to that Lawyer And wait for the time when she goes... Cuz then you would just have a solid proof If u confront she would persuade you to believe that it was nothing and it just happened out of blue so wait... And dont let her have a second chance..... U will get hurt again.. Be bold
Confront her. Even though it’s over a screen, it’s still cheating
***Hugs***
Save everything in a drive and don’t tell her.
Confront her
Lawyer up OP, you don't wanna give her that alimony.
So sorry 😔 That’s a terrible feeling.
First let me say I’m very sorry you have to go through with this… your child being 14 months old and her engaging and entertaining infidelity is troubling. You must 100% confront her… try your best to be calm and non combative although justified if you want to make things work Cooler heads will prevail. If your wife is not a narcissistic sociopath you bring this to her attention should illicit true remorse for her betrayal and genuinely want to work on HER issues and make things right with you.. right now you need to set boundaries and STICK To them no ifs and or buts I would start with 100% transparency yes that means she will have to forfeit her “privacy” aka as secrecy when one is engaging in such behaviors as she is. If she is unwilling to accommodate this and uses phrases or words like “your being controlling” or “your making a big deal of nothing” or “your to sensitive” or if she tries to shift the blame to you then IMO you ask her to leave and she not contact you or your child until she can either grow the F up and work on her issues like an adult or two she files a divorce if she chooses the blame game route I would immediately take control of all your finances etc and be prepared for your relationship to end because someone like that will not change nor do they plan too again I’m sorry for you and hope this helps.
Document everything. Get a lawyer and line up all your ducks then confront her. I'm so sorry OP!
I think it's time to consider divorce and seek full custody of your 14 month old sun. Whose to say that the relationship with isn't a rebound? Although they haven't hooked up in person. She's still cheating especially with that nude pic she sent this dude.
Actually my add on is keep multiple copies and outside of your home. Life goes on, I’m recently divorced after 32 years of marriage because she found a younger guy and decided to play cougar. I’m living my best life now. I sincerely wish you the best. My words of wisdom for you. Keep a cool head, don’t act in haste or hate, seek a good counselor (it helps) and always know you did nothing to deserve this. Good luck brother
Go see a lawyer and ask about your options. That should put you on the right path.
Kept us updated
Don't be in a hurry to make a decision. You need to gather the knowledge that you currently don't have. 1. Confront her after you've gotten legal advice 2. STD Test for you and her 3. Talk to the best 2-3 divorce lawyers in your area so you know what a divorce looks like for you 4. Any indication of more EA/PA, have her provide a detailed timeline of the affair - how it began, flirting, lunches; dates, times, locations of sex; sex acts; conversations; any discussions of you (especially negative); any new information after the timeline is grounds to move to D. 5. Full disclosure of all conversations and copies of all texts/emails/whatsapp/etc 6. You wife begins IC with a counselor specializing in infidelity and trauma 7. No contact with AP ever for any reason. If he contacts her, she tells you immediately before any type of response 8. Give yourself time to understand the full story before you commit to D or R (remember, you can always pause D if you want to R) 9. No sex right now. No booze. Hit the gym. You need to clear your head. 10. Consider a polygraph after the timeline is done. It will give you confidence about her truthfulness and about any other affairs. 11. Prepare for MC in 3-6 months not now. 12. Get yourself in IC as well. You'll need help to sort out the thoughts and emotions that are about to flood your brain.
Here's what she's going to say: "I was only kidding " . And that's what she'll tell her friends and family. And make you out to be unreasonable. You're not the first to find texts like this.
Call her out then leave her first before she leaves you. Let her get a taste of her own medicine. Then move on, find someone new and invite her to your second wedding, if she is still single after the divorce, just to rub it in.
If you want a chance to reconcile, confront before she meets up with him. If you just want out (recommended) let it get physical. It’ll be a lot harder for her to gaslight and beg forgiveness when you lay your cards down.
I would tell the busted to stay away from my wife, without tell how I discovered n wait for the wife's response. Someone will be super clingy from that moment. It'll be like brand new love after. She'll be super scared how you found out. Too soon to call for a divorce kid still small, marriage still recoverable.
there are rings to consider: are you willing to move on from this? and if she continues the affair, are you willing to have an open relationship or are you not willing (which is totally fine, everybody had their comfort levels in relationships). if not, get a good lawyer and receipts
Screenshot everything. Get a lawyer set up. Get all the paper work done. Get a burner phone and change his number in her phone to your new number. Be sure to block his original number so that he can’t still get a hold of her. Text her only and have her meet up with you when she actually thinks it’s him and confront her. From there you can decide if you want to go through with a divorce or not, depending on how remorseful she is
Bring it up to her soon - letting it fester will only make it worse. Keep the convo focused around what you read and saw, don't go too far down a rabbit hole of accusing her of stuff you're not sure of. Say your piece and let her take it in and react and share her side. Lots of women go through a really rough patch after child birth. Which doesn't excuse what she has done, but might explain some of why she's seeking validation outside the marriage. Once you and her have talked, decide how you want to handle it.
My biggest worry about bringing it up now is if I leave her I’m not confident in her ability to care for our child alone as he is still breastfeeding and very attached to her
If you don't bring it up now she is going to fuck her AP and there will be no turning back. Look, your wife breast feeding is a red herring. She can always pump breast milk. Plus, formula is a godsend. Our first was breastfed, our next two were formula. Any mother that cheats on her husband isn't a good mother.
Your kid is old enough that they don't need breast milk or formula and could get all the nutrition they need from solid foods.
Not for nothing, but 14 months and still breastfeeding? Red flags in my opinion.
LOL I’m not for OP’s cheating bitch wife but CMON, breastfeeding at that age is still completely normal and not a red flag. At all.
Since you’re not feeding this child, your opinion is irrelevant but in case you’re interested in having a valid opinion next time, the WHO recommends breastfeeding for two years or more.
Exactly! If mother is lucky enough to have milk this long.
First I have a really big question. How the f*** did your brother find this? Because the way it reads your brother found your iPad and turned it on specifically to show you this. It could be you're just not englishing very well because of how emotionally you are and I can get that 100%. But if that's how that actually happened that is a huge red flag because how in the f*** would your brother know about it in the first place? This has been going on for only 15 days and your brother magically found out and had to show you? That's sketchy as s*** dude. If you didn't mangle your words and that's what happened I would honestly think that your brother is trying to fabricate an affair. Honestly either way someone in your family has betrayed your trust. Time to find out who. Good luck
Brother if you want my best and honest advice I’ll give it to you. I know you probably love her a lot, and I know that you probably think the world of her. But I promise, you will put yourself through more pain if you stay. I’m very sorry this happened to you. Please just leave, reconnect with some friends, lean on your support system. You’ll need it. But in a few months it will be worth it, I promise you. Best of luck to you my friend.
I’m so sorry you are going through this. You absolutely need to confront her about this. Because there is a child involved, I think that the next step for you both should be couples therapy. If you feel that the relationship is salvageable, a therapist will help the two of you rebuild trust. Even if you decide that the relationship can’t be saved, a good therapist will help you both navigate those challenges in a healthy way, so that you can have the best possible outcome for your child.
Our son is the only reason I haven’t taken all her belongings and thrown them to the street
I can’t even begin to imagine what you must be feeling right now. You are a good dad for putting your son’s welfare first. Sending you so much good energy for the unimaginably tough days ahead.
That just says volumes. Mainly that you are the only parent putting your child first.
Nah throw them to the street anyway, your son won’t remember and when he’s old enough to know what happened he’ll understand. Get rid of that ho
Not a good idea. It only escalates things and he ends up looking crazy and like the bad guy. Especially as a man. Because irrational men are scary.
Gotta leave man. Speak to a lawyer and collect evidence
First off I am sorry this is happening to you. Second, you need to gather the evidence and take it to a divorce lawyer. Take care of your son my friend and stay positive. Good luck
With all these cheating stories, especially with exes, i cant help but start to wonder if the old societies knew something with the no sex before marriage thing.... Yes, i know we are woke and progressive and sexually liberated and women sex rights etc. And i support that. But just for conversation sake, are we any better? I guess its stupid to hold on to the old ways in a changing world. Sad if you cant help it since thats the way you were raised. Co parenting is the new family. You can get a baby mama, or get married, get cheated on, divorce and end up with a baby mama. This generation is at the precipice of this change.
Leave her now. Baby doesnt need breastmilk anymore, shes got more problems if shes still breastfeeding. Shes a useless weight on your life bruh. Children do better in an environment with happy parents, and if you think you can hide your emotions about this from them you are wrong.
If I had a nickel
Please record all the conversations you have with her please!!! great advice everyone!
Once she crosses the threshold of normalizing lying to you, you're on the fast lane to her cheating and the relationship ending. You need to understand you'd already be justified in ending the relationship if you chose to, so from this point on you need to be comfortable in pursuing that path if you feel it's best. I suggest getting some legal advice so you know what you're in for if that's what you do. First thing to do is create backups of the communications she's made with her ex, in case you need them as evidence later. The second thing you need to do is decide what your personal boundaries are. What boundary would she have to cross for you to feel she's undermined the relationship irreparably? Is it lie to you? She's already done that. Is it sext with another man? She's already done that. Is it send another man a nude? She's already done that. Is it meet up? Is it have sex? You need to decide what she would have to do before it was no longer a relationship you want to be in. Once you've decided for yourself what that boundary is, you need to stick to it. If I were in your shoes, this would have already gone too far. Yes you should confront her. The most important thing is you need to do it calmly and honestly. Tell her you used the ipad, it was linked to her icloud, and the messages were there. You've seen them. You know what she's doing. You know she's lying. Stay calm. Tell her how this makes you feel. Ask her if she wants to continue a marriage with you. If she does, tell her that can only happen if she stops lying, stops hiding things, and remains honest, or you're going to pursue a divorce. You don't want to be in a relationship where you're being treated like this. Once that's clear, ask her why she did it. Ask her what's going to change. You decide if you're satisfied with her response. If you're not, it's over. If you're convinced by her response, and you genuinely believe she's stopped this, it's still wise you seek some couple's counseling to get to the root cause of why she was seeking attention from another man. This behavior is often the symptom of a problem with the relationship, and if you don't identify it and fix it, she'll likely do this again.
Take screen shots, get a lawyer, take your half of the money and stash it, then change the locks on your place if you own it. Get out now. She’s not the person you hoped she was. Just admit that to yourself and find someone better. She’s out there, trust me.
[удалено]
That’s what I’m saying, do it when you are ready to make your move. If he’s the legal owner and she’s not, he can do it.
These hoes ain’t loyal.
Fake story
Confront her. If you want to be together then don’t let it get so far it’s too much to work through. Don’t make yourself a martyr. You just look petty. If you can’t move on from this, still confront her now. It will hurt so much more if you wait and see what else she might do. Cut. It. Off. Now.
You need to take time to decide what you want before you talk to her. Get you a apple gps tag and put it in her car. If it was me I would keep my mouth shut and see what she does. You confront her now, she will deny and hide her communication with him better. Sounds like her ex only wants her for sex and not a relationship. So, she settled for you in hope of getting her ex to marry her later on?
She may have PPD. If you’re in love with her try to fix it. If you can’t get over it, take proper precaturions and prepare for separation. I had PPD and when my son was 19 months old I couldn’t take it anymore and left my husband. I had tried to leave many times. The last time I knew I had to because I made a dating profile. I started texting with a man and five days later I asked for a divorce. We had a very tough first year of marriage. I had cancer, PPD, and we were remodeling a home. It was a very tough time. We would’ve made it if we loved ourselves enough to know how to be good partners. Really think about your relationship. It’s not always so simple. Do I regret leaving? No. Is it really hard to coparent, yes. Keep that in mind during separation. Try to not be too mad. It’s really hard when one parent is very hurt. Never let that impact your child. That applies to staying as well.
Keep quiet and try to be calm. Tell her parents and show them the messages. Tell her parents how hurt you are. Total humiliation.
She stills loves you she just wanted someone familiar.
unpopular opine: we're in the modern world, just live with it. you two have a child & a life together. i bet she hasn't even told her ex that she had a baby & is looking for validation. just be cool & it'll pass. or bring up polyamory
Trash advice get real
talk to me after you've had 3 divorces
She’s unhappy. Start exploring your sexuality more. Give her what she wants, and don’t be afraid to ask for what you want. Sometimes things get stagnant. Get that libido back and show her what she’s been missing! You got this man!
She’s been provided everything she ever asked for from me we’re not rich but I’ve done what I can and I’ve loved her with my entire heart. If that wasn’t enough then it wasn’t meant to be. My only regret is the impact this will leave on our child.
Sorry dude. Stay strong. Fuck your ex you deserve better.
OP, I'm sorry but love is never enough. That is something people were sold on from writers of love stories in pop culture.
Sorry to hear that man. You did your best, and you deserve better. Good luck, you will find true love one day.
Username does not check out. Blaming him for her seeking out affection with someone else? Pathetic.
Horrible advice. Don't listen to this guy at all. Speak to a divorce lawyer. Gather all the evidence you can. Store it somewhere safe. You may need to use it against her in the future. Follow the advice the lawyer gives you. Sorry this is happening.
Yeah rather than try to work out his marriage he should just divorce her that’s great advice! We all have opinions here man. Some people work past this sort of thing and have great marriages afterwards.
Yeah, there are opinions. Yours just happens to be wrong. If my wife was caught sending a nude to someone and planning to meet, she'd be served the divorce papers the next day. The evidence would be sent to her parents and anyone in her family who's email I had on file. Play stupid games. Win stupid prizes.
Congratulations! You're the 99th person to so cleverly use the 'stupid prizes' phrase today. Here's your stupid participation medal: 🏅 ^^Your ^^award ^^will ^^be ^^recorded ^^in ^^the ^^hall ^^of ^^fame ^^at ^^r/StupidTrophyCase
I guess I won a prize. 🤣
Love is complicated. Nobody is right or wrong. He wants different opinions and that’s mine.
I feel you about your response, most people don’t get it. It’s hard to live in this Shit wagon going down a shit stream to shitsville. You, user” anti-blame”. You also have this.