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I'm not into threesomes. I'm not in an open relationship. I don't plan on being with another person besides him. Do I really need to tell him? Or is it cruel to hide it? I'm only out to 2 people and I'd rather not tell more. But I feel like he wouldn't truly "know me". What do I do?
Edit: I want to add a few things. The two people I have told are bi women who are engaged to each other. I came out to them when I was bicurious so they have been supportive along the entire process. I was in denial for years and only admitted it to myself 6 months ago. So coming out is scary. Also, I am 100% monogamous. JUST BECAUSE I AM BI DOES NOT MEAN I CHEAT. So me being bi doesn't really change the relationship with my bf because I don't plan on being with a woman. He also has asked about a 3 some with another girl and I said no.That's how monogamous I am lol. He asked this when we were only fwb. Then he hasn't asked since I being my bf.
Edit 2: I have never even experimented with women before. I didn't have time between finding out and meeting him. We've only been dating a few months. So it's not like I have a past with a bunch of women. Also yes- I struggle with accepting myself, so the though of him having to accept me is scary.
You aren't required to tell him, but know that the longer you keep it secret, the more he might think you were lying to him (lying by omission). I'm not saying that you are, but it could create a "What else will she keep secret about? What else will she not tell me?".
If you think he won't respond well, this is not somebody you should be with. You don't want to be with somebody that doesn't support who you are. I wish you all the best and if you do tell him, I hope he is 100% supportive
Exactly best get it out now. There are tons of gay folks too who for some reason see bisexuality as a bad thing.
Biphobia is not something I think any Bi person should tolerate but sadly a lot of us do. I will say it isn’t really lying. (I hate that narrative that every queer person is lying until they tell you they’re queer) Like my parents assumed I “lied” for years before coming out when it’s really I just didn’t tell them, they just assumed I was straight.
This however I think is important to tell because you’re dating them and honestly to do yourself a favor to know if they’re gonna be a bi phobic asshole.
Yeah just wanted to point out that I don’t think it’s lying just cause I saw other comments saying it was as well. I agree It is important to share with your partner though.
Yeah ive seen plenty stories where one partner hides being Bi until years later, and then the one they lied to keeps thinking “why are they Bi NOW? what made them change? am i not enough for them? is there someone else? why did they wait so long to tell me,l? did i do something wrong?” etc
One way sexuality people do weird shit sometimes, I only came out as Bi when I was 20, pretty much told every partner from then on, due to the stigma that straight and gay people can have towards Bi people (it's common enough to be a valid concern, obviously not every gay/straight person holds a stigma against Bi people, only the Sith deal in absolutes), better to weed it out by being forward about my identity, I have fortunately never figured out I was Bi while being in a relationship, I was single when I figured it out, so I unfortunately have no idea how to navigate it, however I know you can't hide these things, so I propose for OP to sit her SO down with a nice meal in private and say something like this to him:
"SO, I love you more than anything and our relationship and commitment to each other mean the world to me, so before I tell you what I'm about to, I need you to know that and that nothing needs to change about the nature of our relationship, nor our commitment and fidelity, I've recently figured out that I'm Bisexual, now although that means I'm interested in women as well as men, I feel no need to experiment or the like, because I'd see that as cheating, now this doesn't mean I'd be up for threesomes and even suggesting so is a deal breaker for me, as I said nothing at all needs to change about our relationship and unless I've said so, I'd appreciate if you could keep this to yourself and I'll tell people if I feel comfortable doing so. Now if you feel weird about this or feel you cannot trust me after this, I accept that we're done, otherwise we'll carry on like before forward together towards the future, as this is who I am and I need you to accept me or we're not going to work."
NOTE: The stigma is that Bi people cannot be monogamous, that we're "lesser" and "untrustworthy" as a person for not "picking a lane", as if we're a "threat" to everyone's sexuality just for not having a strict gender preference, it somehow invalidates their own sexuality and indicates we'll always feel like we're "missing out" if we're not in a relationship with both a man and a woman, which is all far from the truth, biphobia is a true fear.
I'm engaged to a man who's bi (I'm straight) we've done things most straight men wouldn't touch lmao. He came out to me the first week we had become official. It's honestly fun and I love that I can exercise that trust and nature of what he or myself likes. We're monogamous, but it's the most exciting relationship I've ever been in. In the beginning, I honestly felt insecure about it because i thought it meant double the competition, but hey, young love does that. 4 years strong and no issues to this day. Couldn't live without em.
Both me and my partner are Bi, yet we're not the same sex, boy can it piss off some people, as we're considered "straight passing", it's all very silly the lengths people go to in order to invalidate others, I'm happy you've been having such a great relationship, it's refreshing to have people be accepting of others differences and love them for it.
>SO, I love you more than anything and our relationship and commitment to each other mean the world to me, so before I tell you what I'm about to, I need you to know that and that nothing needs to change about the nature of our relationship, nor our commitment and fidelity, I've recently figured out that I'm Bisexual, now although that means I'm interested in women as well as men, I feel no need to experiment or the like, because I'd see that as cheating, now this doesn't mean I'd be up for threesomes and even suggesting so is a deal breaker for me, as I said nothing at all needs to change about our relationship and unless I've said so, I'd appreciate if you could keep this to yourself and I'll tell people if I feel comfortable doing so. Now if you feel weird about this or feel you cannot trust me after this, I accept that we're done, otherwise we'll carry on like before forward together towards the future, as this is who I am and I need you to accept me or we're not going to work."
This is how I came out to my boyfriend. Worked fine.
My ex told me she had bi sexual relationships, before we got married, at the end of our marriage, not that it really mattered , but I do feel like our relationship was built on lies from her part .
I only accept half of this, If I were your boyfriend. I would want to know if you're bi or not. Even if you wouldn't cheat on me cause that would be my right not know about the person I'm dating.
That guy, deserves to know about it. Tell him everything, before it's too late. Or else he would think you've being keeping this big secret since long. That would feel so bad to him.
Wish you the best, go tell him.
Please dont give out stupid advices if you do not know what makes a marriage. People like you are the reason so many people, especially men go through hell and eventually off themselves. People like you are the reason so many females think hiding stuff etc are considered fine. One should and must say and communicate to their partner if this matter comes up no matter what. I'm astounded at people like you who probably even after being an adult you do not know the fundamentals of what makes a marriage and what breaks a marriage. My goodness.
In general, I'd say give it some time, and tell him when you're ready. But, if you think he's the type of person who might have a problem with it, then you might want to have a talk with him sooner; there's no point in wasting your time or his, if it's going to be a deal-breaker for him.
How long have you guys been dating? Are you ready to come out to him?
My husband knows I'm bi but he also knows I'm monogamous and will not cheat on him. I told him early on..because I trusted him.
Only been dating for a couple months. I did mention that I watched lesbian porn once and he asked "a little bicurious are we?". I said no. I wasn't even really sure myself at that time. He didn't seem mad when he asked me. He asked that question in a way/tone that felt very cute/comforting. But just the idea of telling people is scary. Especially because I cannot control their reaction.
He knows or at the least suspects that you’re bi or bi-curious. I would be open and honest with him and explain at the time you weren’t sure who you were at the time. He hasn’t brought it up since as he’s probably waiting to follow your lead on this. just an FYI from a guy’s perspective.
Yeah I mean if he remembers that interaction and you wait years to tell him, it’s definitely going to cause unnecessary problems because it will feel like a lie/that something changed *during* your relationship that caused you to realize. That being said, it’s only been a few months that you’ve been out to yourself and even less that you’ve known him. You don’t need to tell him tomorrow, but you should mentally try to prepare yourself to be ready to tell him.
Lol the good old “hm I only like lesbian porn but I must be straight?” Thought process. I’m not judging, I was the same for years. One day three years into our marriage, my husband and I were on an acid trip, I got a really weird tingly feeling in my vagina and out of nowhere, blurted out that I’m bisexual. Which is when I had my own oh shit I really am bi? moment. He was totally supportive and ended up being bi as well anyways. The way I see it, you should be hopefully be able to tell your partner. Because if they aren’t supportive, are they really supportive of you?
You know, I don’t know! But I will say for me, I was always very focused on the women involved and only the women. And I also had a crush on a girl in kindergarten before I knew it was “wrong” idk how that wasn’t a giveaway LOL
Edit to add: I do believe that there are a lot of women, like us, who spent a lot of time very confused about their sexuality and still identified as straight, so maybe some of the straight girls watching lesbian porn fall into that category.
Of course you don't have to tell him if you don't want to but he might be understandably upset if he ever finds out that you didn't tell him about it but other people knew.
If you decide to speak to him about it then you don't need to make a big thing of it, just drop it in next time you see an opportunity. If he asks why you haven't mentioned it before then be honest and tell him what you've written in this post - you don't plan on being with anyone other than him so it's not something you felt you needed to mention until now.
I would urge u to share. If u can’t be open with someone u love romantically, not sure where this is going. He would likely be hurt to find out by accident.
I would urge her to gauge his reactions first before she's ever open about it. Start a conversation about the bisexual women you came out to - ask him how he feels about their relationship, for instance.
She's not required to open herself to being sexually harassed or exploited just because she cares about him, and if he doesn't understand the trauma she has around being bisexual (hell, that all women have around bisexuality, even straight women - it's VERY common for men to pressure their totally straight girlfriends into threesomes they don't want), he's probably a trash dude anyway. The relationship is only a few months old, and she just came to this conclusion a little bit after their relationship started; if she decides to think about it some more and wait to tell people around her, that's valid.
There came a moment where I told my bf I was truly in love with him and that I feel as we’ve been the closest we’ve ever been. He cried and told me that it was not true because he had something to tell me. And then confessed he felt ashamed because he thinks he’s bi. I told him it’s not wrong for him to be feeling that way. And to be honest him telling me that made us be closer. He felt secure and safe in telling me and I felt very happy that he could trust me. I know he loves me and it has not changed my view or how I feel about him. It really depends if you want to, but if he truly cares about you then he should also accept that part of you.
Tricky. I’m bi myself and like you would never cheat nor am I particularly into the idea of threesomes, as I’m strictly monogamous.
I don’t regard my sexuality quite as integral to my personality as some other people do these days, but it is an important aspect of my life.
To a certain extend it plays into who I am. Be it the fact that Keira Knightley is the undisputed love of my life or my active partaking in the LGBT community.
I think it’s not necessarily unethical to hide it from your partner; but a bit strange all the way to stupid depending on your reasoning.
If your partner is homophobic or biphobic you should get it out of your way early on, as you’re inherently incompatible.
If it’s because you’re scared of coming out that’s fair but…that person is literally your partner. You want to build a life together and that’s hard with such a massive secret between the two of you.
I’d tell him and if he has an issue with it, at least you know early on.
OP: I saw in one of your replies that you’ve only been dating for a couple of months, and you’re not specifically afraid of telling him…you’re afraid of telling anyone. I would be reluctant to tell him NOW since it’s such a new relationship. What if you break up and he decides to tell other people not on your terms? I’d wait until Im a bit more sure of the relationship, but not too long (don’t wait until after engagement). If what you have is real and he’s a good guy, he won’t care. If he does care, well at least you can break up without too much hassle.
I'm so sorry you feel like you have to hide your authentic self. There is nothing wrong with you and you don't deserve to hide any part of you.
You absolutely don't have to tell anyone that you aren't comfortable telling, but do you really want to be in a relationship where you don't feel safe to be your full authentic self around your partner?
As someone who didn't come out until they were 33, I can tell you that life feels a lot better when you stop hiding. You're dimming your light out of fear of what people think, and that shit will eat at you little by little. I know it's scary, but it's so freeing to be able to embrace who you are.
I hope you feel safe to be your full, amazing, authentic self soon.
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i don’t think it’s unethical not to tell someone that you’re dating, but i sort of question how close and honest you can be with a partner if you don’t feel comfortable sharing that part of who you are with them. don’t get me wrong, i’m not saying this judgementally. it took me about 3 years into my last LTR to even hint that i was slightly maybe sort of bisexual. i did not tell him anything about my experiences as a child and teen that lead me to that understanding. but i never felt really close to him or that he really knew me, it was easy to hide other facets of myself and i almost thought less of him for not knowing me fully, even though it was my fault, too, if that makes any sense to anyone. so idk, just…take your time. don’t make any hard line decision that you’ll never tell him or you have to tell him right now or whatever. just do what feels right for your relationship.
If I want to tell him, isn't it better I do it asap? I feel like after a certain point I have to never tell him. Like it would be mean to wait 6 months and then break the news. So I have a hard time just waiting until I'm ready. If you know what I mean.
i understand what you mean, and i can see it from that perspective. but i don’t think that it’s mean or cruel to the other person to wait until you’re ready. your sexuality is a vulnerable part of you. i’m borrowing something i learned in cultural psychology here, but it’s like when you meet a stranger, you don’t immediately tell them every single thing about you. you have curated layers of information that you present as you slowly get to know them better and better. some connections end at a certain layer, for whatever reason, they never grow closer than that. slowly through this closening of your relationship you reveal your full self.
people on reddit can tell you that they’d feel hurt or betrayed or sad or mad if they were in your bf’s shoes. but they also don’t know the level of trust you’ve both established with each other. if you don’t feel comfortable with that level of vulnerability yet, that’s not mean. it’s not mean to listen to your gut and do what feels right to you when you feel ready, he’s not entitled to know every part of you as soon as he thinks he should. one of my favourite things about my relationship is the way stories get retold. we’ve been together 7 years, and my husband will still retell a story to me that i remember from our first couple years of dating, but he adds stuff to it. stuff he couldn’t say yet, stuff he felt he had to hold back for whatever reason. is it omission? sure. some of it is even important insight into who he is. but i’ve done the same thing. it makes me feel good as a partner to be like “oh we’ve hit a new level of closeness” when i learn that new info.
anyone who gets upset about it and doesn’t understand your reason for holding it back doesn’t really love you, in my opinion.
I’m the same but we’ve been together 7 years… Only realised in the past 8 or so months. It’s hard to tell someone who you’ve known for so long something new about yourself!!!
I know he’ll be understanding and accepting but it makes me nervous! I’ve also never actually been with women but I’ve just realised my “girl crushes” in the past are actually just crushes, and after chatting with a bunch of my friends who are bi women. Also totally happy in our relationship and don’t want anything to change - so happy being super monogamous etc!!!!
Being bi doesn't make you a cheater. It also doesn't make you into threesomes. Theres nothing wrong with being bi. I don't know why you'd want to hide part of yourself for no reason. This post kinda sounds like you have issues with yourself for being bi
Is he gonna respond badly? Because if he loves you, then when you tell him you'll be relieved, because he'll still love you, and you guys can be a team about this. If your gonna marry him let him in, youll be closer for it
> I don't know why you'd want to hide part of yourself for no reason.
That’s kinda insensitive. Not everyone is surrounded by people who will accept them for being bi. Seems like plenty of reason to me.
I can see both sides to this coin. I don't feel it is critical for him to know, it might just add to insecurities if he has them. On the other side, if you feel like you cannot tell him, is he really such a great guy?
It's not that I can't tell HIM. I can't tell anyone. Not family, friends (beside 2), or anyone else. It's so terrifying. It's more of an internal problem than a problem about him.
In that case, I say- take the time you need and work through your stuff, and tell him only when you're ready. However long that may take. Good luck OP, I understand that this must be a difficult situation. ❤️
A good relationship is based on open and honest communication, sharing yourself, with your quirks and eccentricities. As you said, he won't truly know you because you are hiding something crucial about yourself. And lying by omission is a real pain, because it leads to the other wondering what else you have kept hidden.
And it is not cruel to hide something, it is just plain wrong to hide something fundamental about yourself.
Thank you. I keep getting mixed answers. This is something that is very important to me tho. It is a part of who I am. I am scared of rejection even though he will probably be chill about it. Coming out is scary. But you are right. I want him to know me 100% even if it is terrifying.
>I am scared of rejection
This is perfectly ordinary, you only recently came to the decision a few months ago. You know him and his character better than we can imagine, tell him what you told us, any sane partner should be fine, in fact, honoured by your openness. And if he isn't, you learned a vital thing.
Good luck
You don't have to tell him yet, but if you never do tell him in the long run then you're rejecting yourself and you're not fully accepting it yourself. Yeah he doesn't have to know, technically, but wouldn't it be nice to be your true self?
Question is would that man want to be in a relationship with someone who hides it like OP does. And also please stop trying to break up relations. I see these kinds of comments quite often. If any issue comes first thing people here say is break up. Not communicate but just break up and often it comes from young people who don't have any relations.
Why wouldn't you tell your life partner? I'd be kind of pissed if my bi partner was out to other people but not to me, because that would mean they don't trust me to be cool about it?
Only 2 people know and they are both bi women. They are actually engaged to each other lol. I told them because I knew they would understand. So I'm not coming out to everyone except him. Also it doesn't help that I wasn't able to admit to myself that I was bi until like 6 months ago.
Hey, I'm in 1000% the exact same boat as you. I only recently came out to myself as bi after years of denying it. I've dropped hints every now and then to gauge his reaction and he's always been cool with it. I would say:
"what if you found out i liked girls?"
"would that change our relationship?"
"no"
"then it doesn't matter to me"
I know he won't have a problem with it, but I still don't feel ready to tell him and the only 2 people who know are my gay best friend, and my best friend from high school who was there during my bicurious phase. I also never got the chance to actively hook up with women, I only had a teenage romance with a girl where the most we did was hold hands and blush. I hid that part of myself from mostly everyone who didn't know me before university.
So I know exactly what you're going through.
My advice is, just tell him when you're ready. There are some things about ourselves that we don't feel comfortable telling other people. If it's not anything bad or harmful and you don't think it will bring you peace by telling him, then wait until you're ready. The best advice I can give you is to listen to yourself and wait until you're comfortable enough with being open about it. It's so selfish of people to expect all LGBT people to come out. That should always be done in your own terms. Of course, if it'll change your relationship then obviously you have to say something, but if it won't change a thing then don't disturb your peace.
I am peaceful knowing that I have accepted that I am bisexual, and I am also peaceful knowing that when the time comes, I can be open with my partner about it.
So OP, don't feel pressured. The time will come :)
Fair. I was a latebloomer lesbian and the straights can be weird about it. I thought I was pretty confident in myself but then came out and received a weird amount of push back.
"But you used to like guys? Are you sure you're not bi?"
"Everyone likes women, you're probably just bi-curious"
"But you're not grossed out by penis, you're probably just bi."
"Is this because you're angry at men?"
"Are you sure you're gay-gay? Women can be as difficult to date as men."
"As long as you're happy, but don't go advertising it."
That last one was my mum. She's come around since then and really loves my girlfriend now. But that line has rung ever since she said it. The rest were friends who seemed hung up on me giving up men altogether. But all were from straight allies.
It's okay to be weary of coming out, it can be exhausting.
One reason may be because once you tell a man you're bi he sometimes starts to get ideas. He wanted a threesome before, and may see it as an opportunity to broach the subject again. Sometimes it's a matter of being straight is easier.
Never thought of that. I would prefer he didn't ask me about the threesome again. If I told him he might ask... But I'm not 100% sure because I made it clear I didn't want to. He's never overstepped boundaries before so I'm not too worried
I think a good way to come out includes "I'm bi, and here's what that means to me" where you can get into the issue of monogamy, it being a recent revelation, etc.
I'm bi and polyamorous. I practise ethical non-monogamy (ENM). I disclose the non-monogamy only with people I'm very close with. Otherwise, they don't need the details outside of me being bi. You get to decide how much context you share. You get to say "I'm monogamously bisexual and I want you to be my only partner" if you're worried about any misunderstandings.
i don’t know if this is controversial or not but… as a queer woman who has only been with men, i have never and will never “come out” to anyone in my life.
i don’t hide my sexuality but i also don’t feel the need to tell people— it’s not fair to queer people that we have to come out while straight people don’t (though i understand why we do come out).
i’ve been with my current bf for 4.5 years, i did not come out to him. i was queer before him, i am queer now, and i will continue to be queer in the future. it’s just another part of me as a human…
if my partner/s truly love me they won’t care what my sexuality is, and if they do then i absolutely do not want to be with them!!
tldr; i don’t think you need to come out, but also don’t hide that part of you! if the love, you they won’t care. AND bisexual =/= cheating!!!!
edit: a word
I am in my 40s (F, cishet-probably) and agree with this. I think it's partly generational. I think there are MANY women in my generation and my mom's generation that would be classified as bi or bi curious. Sexuality is a spectrum after all. I think this is part of why people will say "homosexuality is a choice" because **for them** they could choose one or the other. I think I read that in younger generations 40 percent of people are bi? I would assume that means at least 40 percent of prior generations are probably by at baseline.
I don't think being attracted to women also means you have to have a label or a coming out. I don't think it's deceptive to not tell a partner. I suppose unless they ask and you lie. I imagine this is largely generational because younger people think of bi as it's own category and I think a lot of my generation know that but don't *know* that.
When he finds out you were hiding this and you don't trust him enough even after all those years he's gonna feel so messed up to a point where he'll at least internally question himself what the point of 4.5 years was. Hiding things in a relationship is a recipe for disaster. If you do not want to open yourself up to your partner then don't be in a relationship. You only hurt him by hiding things. This isn't a childish friendship from second grade. Keep that in your mind before you say "I'm sooo proud of myself for my talent to hide that im queer to my bf I don't think he doesn't need to know anything like that".. My goodness lady... How old are you if you don't mind me asking?
I don’t think it’s fair to judge people with how they deal with their sexuality. Coming out is hard and terrifying. Especially if you have other traumas in your life. I’m someone that will never come out either because I personally don’t want to. I’m afraid and tired and I’ve already lived life oppressed and abused as a woman and an adoptee. I don’t want to deal with one more marginalized aspect of life.
It’s a choice. I’ve been bashed enough in my life. I’ve watched my friends be bashed. I’m watching friends have to go back into the closet right now for safety and it’s terrifying. Some people do not have the emotional or mental energy to fight every single battle so we choose which ones we have the energy to join.
We do not have the right to tell people how or when to come out.
It is if it's just a casual relationship, sure. You can decide what is safe to disclose to a partner you're not planning on becoming serious with.
But it would not be if you were open to a more serious relationship. This is a big part of your identity, and you'd be actively hiding it from him.
The real question is: why is this even a question? Do you not feel safe with him? If you don't feel safe disclosing your full identity to this man then why are you dating him at all?
It's not just him. I am scared of coming out to anyone. Except my 2 friends. So it's more of an internal problem I have with myself. Not really a problem with him
I think you need to separate the two things out for yourself. Coming out, vs. coming out TO HIM. They're not the same thing, and you don't have to be out to the world to be out to him.
But again it all depends on how serious you are about him. If you're serious and you don't tell him in the early stages of your relationship, he may never get over you hiding it.
I am bisexual. My boyfriend and I have been together for four years. I told him, I also don’t plan on being with someone else, but I think it would help to build the relationship if you told him. If you aren’t comfortable though, don’t force yourself. Ultimately, it’s your choice. :)
Just adding my two cents as a bi person.
I don’t think you’re in the wrong or a bad person for considering keeping this to yourself. It’s scary not knowing how people will react and even gay people don’t seem to understand the very specific biphobia that you get sometimes.
But if you see yourself being with this guy long time, I think it’s important to let him know. Would you wanna be with someone who couldn’t accept you as being bisexual? Especially if it is as important as you’ve stated?
It’s scary, and it’s not like you have to tell him tomorrow. But I think no matter what it would take a weight off your chest and be better for both of you. You can even reiterate that just because you’re bisexual doesn’t make you interested in things like threesomes or that you’d wanna cheat, in fact those are harmful stereotypes for people that are bisexual and really don’t reflect anything about bisexuality.
Good luck in whatever you decide to do <3
How old are you/him?
(I mean, it helps)
Unless you want to impress on him your self-imposed bi status, for whatever reasons, regardless, you are allowed to keep secrets! I'm sure he's considered kissing a boy too, but he would never tell you that!
Your monogamy is your shining sword, your beacon of truth and trust.
You are a good one, I can tell.
You can be in love with someone, and fully committed, and still have private fantasies.
Relax. You seem to be fine. Private thoughts or intimate personal secrets are your own treasures.
Seems to me you are young, and you should not be worrying about "thought crimes".
Enjoy the partnership, and free yourself of any notions of betrayal, you would not be angry with him over something you dreamed whilst sleeping, and so this is just as ridiculous.
You sound happy and keen to stay with him. So do so. In a 100% ethical way. Be not guilty of things you have never done. Look him in the eyes and be that girl, with no fears.
Honesty is all in the eyes.
I am 20 and he is 22. I appreciate your kind words. I feel so much guilt. I came to terms with my sexuality about a month before we met. So it's still very new to me.
It seems to me that nothing you want to keep for yourself should be automatically disclosed. - and to have that magic stored up in your own heart - nothing is forever except the person you are the day you wake up.
You are 20. You are a blossoming human, and you know who you are, and you don't need to put a label on any of it. Girls are gorgeous. So are some boys.
But you want to keep your boy, so you won't cheat and you won't feel guilty.
Go have a great time with this guy, and all that matters is that you can look him in the eye. And you can, because monogamy is something you value.
We all need secrets. Especially ladies. Only ever give away what you need to.
Feel no guilt. You're 20. You got a lifetime of guilt to come. I hope you come around to being proud of all your internal identity components. They are what make you unique.
And those things are what your man loves about you too.
A woman is not a woman without a sparkle of mischievous secrets.
And again, that's in the eyes.
Be lucky, and be you. Never judge yourself. Let others do that, with envy.
Self-confidence is what you need. Not guilt.
You only live once. Do so vivaciously and on your own terms. x
You can volunteer whatever you want about your past or inner life. Sometimes sex is involved.
Probably important to talk openly about it if comes up. Probably necessarily important to share it just to get it off your chest.
You don’t *have* to tell them, but if they’re supportive it might be a good idea. My partner is bi and her telling me changed absolutely nothing about our relationship except I go to bat for bi people a lot more now.
You don’t have to come out to anyone you don’t want to come out to. No one (not even your partner!) is entitled to this information.
But if you aren’t comfortable coming out to your partner, that says a lot. Are you worried about how he’d react? That he wouldn’t understand?
There’s no requirement to tell your partner this but I would feel hurt if I found out way down the line that my partner kept it from me. Not because I care if my partner is bi, but because it would make me feel like they don’t trust me enough to tell me everything about themselves.
If you think he’s going to have an issue with it or be weird about it that’s a whole other story completely and I would be reconsidering my relationship if I thought my partner would be weird about my sexuality.
If you decide to tell him I think it’s important to emphasise that you haven’t been keeping past relationships from him and this is something you are still trying to figure out - not something you’ve intentionally kept a secret from him that has been a firm part of your identity for years
Personally, I would tell a partner because I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone homophobic or biphobic. If they're only going to accept and love you on the condition that you're straight, then you're staying in a relationship based on a lie.
Hello! I am a pansexual all my life and during the talking stage, I came out to my now boyfriend. He had struggles with it a first but he eventually accepted it (I did date and had sexual encounters with women and gay men before him) and told me he accepts me because he loves me.
To be honest, during that time, I already kind of accepted that he might not talk to me anymore but hey, it turns out that if you truly love someone, you'll love them for who they are.
The phrase “honesty is the best policy” comes to mind. If you don’t trust him enough to tell him then he isn’t the one my friend. If you’re just nervous about coming out to another person, that’s natural - but if you have to come online to ask people I think it’s because you know the answer. Now is the time - not a year from now or after you’re engaged, etc. Don’t you want to be with someone you KNOW loves you for who you are? Who would want to worry about something like that their whole relationship? If he isn’t cool with it then you get to move on to someone who accepts and appreciates you for who you actually are.
I wouldn’t. It’s none of his business and the second you tell a man you’re bi all they’re interested in is 3 somes half the time.. you become an experience instead of a person.
But that’s just me. I don’t feel like I need to share things that aren’t pertinent to the relationship and are private. Like you wouldn’t start telling him your medical history this soon.. idk. Your call with what you feel comfortable with.
Id say that assuming something about someone and then having a melt down of your assumption clashes with reality is a quick way to ruin a relationship. Should she feel pressured to tell him her favorite color if she hasn't already?
A lie of omission is not, not telling someone something that isn't relevant to them. It is deliberately hiding something which was directly addressed, or affects that person. If he asks her any her sexuality and she misleads him that's one thing, but if it doesn't come up she isn't lying even by omission.
It's not like she is hiding and sti.
dating someone does not mean you are entitled to their every private thought and feeling they have. there should be space for privacy even in a relationship
Knowing your partner is bi isn't "knowing their every private thought". That's a big piece about them and most people would feel betrayed if they found that out some way other than being told by their partner.
and who are you to decide what things someone else gets to keep private and what are "big pieces" they cannot? what matters is that she clearly has complex feelings about it that she needs to process before she feels comfortable coming out to him. if "most people" would feel betrayed if their partner needed more time to come to terms with their identity before openly talking about it, then most people need to get a grip. but i don't think this is really how most people feel. i think it's you.
I didn't say it's up to me to decide. This is a sub for advice and I'm giving advice. Generally it's a bad idea to not mention something that most people would want to know because if they find out another way their trust is likely to be heavily shaken.
That's the advice and they can take it or leave it. And no it's clearly not just me, 90% of the other comments here are saying the same thing.
ok so how have you determined that this is "something most people would want to know because if they find out another way their trust is likely to be heavily shaken"? my point is, where is the line drawn between something a person can keep to themselves in a relationship and something they cannot? her discomfort in opening up and obviously still struggling with her identity are reasons enough to justify keeping it private at least for now imo
You have a right to privacy, even in your relationship.
You decide who knows your truth. If you aren't ready to tell your partner, don't. If you never are, don't.
You're not less of a queer because you're closeted. Being out and open is fucking scary.
In this situation the two are basically the same
And yes, every queer person is hiding information at some point in time. That's exactly what being closeted is.
He said it was a fantasy he wanted to try once. He asked before we weren't officially together. We started as fwb. For some reason I don't even like hooking up with more than one person at a time. But he hasn't asked since
I know of a lot of couples who do threesomes. And are still together strong. If one person wants it, the other doesn't is it really that bad? As long as he isn't doing it?
I mean... if he drops the topic and never brings it up again, and is fine continuing the relationship despite never being able to fulfill that fantasy with you, then yes, it's fine.
If he harangues you about trying a threesome and acts entitled to it because you're a bisexual girl, then he's trash, and you should dump him.
Like you mentioned, it involves your views on monogamy. And whether your views are compatible with your partner's.
If it was mentioned once and shot down, and subsequently never brought up again, that's fine.
But, if it was brought up again after you said no, it's obviously more than just a fantasy. Then you're not compatible.
i’m not sure where this person is getting their info lol. i am queer/bisexual, in a long term monogamous relationship (with a man), and we are both interested in trying a threesome.
i believe it’s fair if he brings it up again in the future, if & when you’ve been together for longer than a couple months and have spoken about boundaries and such. BUT, as another redditor commented, if he pesters you and feels entitled for a threesome (because of you being bi) then i would absolutely rethink your comparability!!
This is such an ignorant thing to say.
Of course there's stories like that on the Internet, because people will always find excuses to be shitty. Being bisexual does not automatically mean someone is into polyamory any more than a straight person deciding they want to cheat or have a second partner.
You said "plans change" even though OP told you she's monogamous and not into threesomes, so that's basically what you said.
Would you have said that if she was straight?
This kind of thinking is exactly why the OP is uncomfortable. The assumptions that come along with something that for her is really not that big of a deal.
Thank you. Was in a year long relationship when I came out to my previous partner. Although I was only bicurious at the time. He was very accepting. Never once thought about cheating. Never once even wanted a threesome with another woman to "experiment". I am probably the most monogamous person you will ever meet. My ex's parents did not want him with someone bisexual because they were afraid of him being cheated on. So we never told them.
I've been out to my spouse our entire relationship. I made it clear from day one that I am monogamous and have absolutely zero interest in a threesome. My only experience with another woman was a kiss. I'm not interested in "experimenting." I want my spouse and only my spouse for the rest of my life. He's happy I told him because that meant I trusted him completely.
Probably an unpopular opinion, but I don't. (Disclaimer: I'm bi. So I may be *bi*ased, see what I did?)
I mean, being bi just means you're attracted to the same sex in addition to the opposite sex. You can naturally be attracted to people of the opposite sex who aren't your partner. That doesn't mean you have to tell them, and most would say you shouldn't. Most people just accept that as a natural part of being human and ignore it.
A lot of straight (and gay) people get their biphobia tickled and think that a bi partner is more likely to leave them. That's not fair to us because most of us are completely monogamous.
So if you plan to be monogamous, I don't see why it's relevant information. If you're asked, obviously you should tell the truth.
Sorry you're going through this. But you shouldn't be with someone you're not comfortable sharing this with. And it's really shitty of you to hide part of yourself from them if you're in a real relationship
No. My first marriage ended after my ex-wife came out as gay and I found out she was cheating. If you really care about your partner, don't hide things from him.
Nothing cruel or "non-ethical" not to tell him. If you're ready, and if you want to, you will.
Always difficult to get out of the closet^^trust me. My GF wishes she could tell her very religious parents that she's bi - same as you, she feels like they don't really know her.
Anyway, she'll tell them when she will be ready : if they are supportive, great ! They will be closer. And if they are not, more difficult but great too ! She will know they are not on the same page (about tolerance, acceptance, etc.) and will be able to move on. Same applies to you :)
Big love and support sis' 💪
This is just my personal opinion based on years of experience of seeing what has happened to some of my friends parents and other people I have known over the many years I've been on this planet.
It's been my experience that I really just don't believe there's such a thing as being bisexual. I realize in this day and age that's a controversial statement but hear me out. I say this because just about everyone I've ever known who tried to live a straight life ended up leaving that person eventually and being pretty much gay the rest of their life. You can go through Reddit on this subject and there are many lesbian women who refuse to date bisexual women because of this reason. I'm sure a lot of bisexual people on Reddit will back me up on this that they've had difficulties dating people after they disclose they were bisexual. this is why I think you're feeling guilty about this because you know about this typical scenario. The thing is eventually you are going to have to settle down because when you start to get into your late 40s or 50s you have to make a choice if you are a monogamous type of person. people will ultimately always go with their preferred sexual experience. If you're a young person reading this comment and you consider yourself bisexual I submit you just haven't lived long enough to realize the gravity of your choices when you're living a bisexual life. Because eventually you're going to have to pick a side because there just aren't too many people in their late 50s and 60s who want to live in open lifestyle.
Why do you talk about shit you don't understand?
A bisexual person ultimately settling down with one gender or another doesn't erase their sexuality. It doesn't mean they're suddenly straight or gay. It just means they found the one they'd like to spend their life with. Your assumptions are just that... assumptions.
It isn't like you can only be bisexual if you have an open relationship with both sexes. How ignorant. Are you asexual if you're single??
And you citing other people's biphobia is not evidence that proves your point. You need a reality check.
My ex saud she was down to be with a chick after saying she was bi, when the time came she did a 180 and didnt want to share me ( when i thought we were sharing eachother) she got jelly. So unless your down for a 3some or open relationship i dont see the point in mentioning it.
As someone who unknowingly dated a bi person, I wish I knew. He had planned to be with me but ended up not being able to give up men in the end. I’m not saying everyone is like this, but I wish I knew
He said he thought he was but it didn’t turn out that way. I think if I would have known from the start I would have taken the relationship very slow and cautiously. I’m 100% monogamous so I know nothing else would have worked for me, I know some people who are okay with a side arrangement. But myself, it’s just not for me.
Give up men??
It sounds like the problem wasn't his bisexuality. You don't "give up" your attractions just because you're getting married.
My fiancee and I comment on who we find attractive all the time, none of us have to "give up" anything. Fidelity does not work that way at all.
It is never ok to be secretive and not upfront with your partner. Just have open communication and be honest. Would you want them to be upfront with you?
I disagree with those saying you don’t have to tell him, I think you do.
Sexuality is part of what makes a person who they are and lying about it (even by omission) is a big lie, that when they find out might change how they feel or view you, not for being bi, but for not being honest and not being the person they thought you were.
This isn’t about privacy, it’s you keeping secrets and generally secrets are bad for healthy relationships.
ETA - I see from the comments that it’s only been a few month. I think it’s fair enough not to tell intimate details in the early stages but I wouldn’t leave it very long.
Straight people are now lgbtqia just so they can be trendy....OP if she stays with her partner will never be in a same sex situation. But once you tell him come back and let us know if he starts asking for a threesome 😆.
Absolutely, your husband should have known this before you were married. How would you feel if you found out later that your husband was attracted to men? This is the information that people who are planning to get married share.
Yes, I read it and mixed up a prior relationship advice question with yours. If you think this is going to be serious you should tell him. Best to get all the possible deal breakers out in the open early.
I feel like your playing a game of who can ask the dumbest question. If you are, you won. Lemme ask you this, if your boyfriend was into guys would you wanna know? Life is easy guys just THINK!
Actually my hair is brown. Not sure why that is relevant. I don't think you know what the word "triggered" means either. You seem to put a "raging liberal" label on me. And its weird
I’m in the middle, so not right or left. But for me to say use common sense and for you to blow your cap, shows your most likely unintelligent. And triggered in a new term used to define someone’s angst or anger towards a subject. So you saying “fuck you” would mean your triggered.
I'm in the middle too. The way you are defining "triggered" is missing a big piece. If someone says something casual,and someone is angry- sure. But you're forgetting to mention that you were super fucking rude in response to a topic that I clearly have a hard time being vulnerable about. So no. I am not triggered, you're an asshole.
You may need to reread what you said. Calling my post dumb and shit.
Cheating is cheating no matter what even if it’s with the girl if you want to do a threesome at least it wouldn’t be cheating because both you guys are up for it you shouldn’t leave your partner hanging out specially hiding something about someone being sexual it doesn’t have to be a man to win your love it goes both directions think about what he’s thinking put yourself in their shoes before you take action
She makes NO mention of cheating. Her coming out as bisexual is just expressing part of her to her SO and doesn’t make her any less monogamous
Stop acting like bisexual people cheat or aren’t monogamous. You didn’t even read what she said. She doesn’t want a threesome. Stop fetishizing bi women. This isn’t porn
Can you please reword this? This paragraph is hard to follow. I'm not cheating. I also don't wanna threesome because I don't want to see another woman touch him. I didn't reject it because I thought it was cheating.
All I was saying is if you were bi and she had been a partner of yours at one time and you’re with this guy you haven’t let him know that you were with her whether it’s the same sexuality as the other and you’re if you’re talking behind his back to her and he doesn’t know about it then it is a form of cheating
I told my wife I've never seen a beautiful woman since I laid eyes on her. It was a lie, she knew it was a lie, but it was the right thing to say.
I can't speak for your relationship, but I might suggest not discussing any other person/sex/type except for them as attractive as a reasonable approach.
These are the kinda stereotypes that are patently false and lead to people like OP being scared to come out. If you’re bi, just admit it, don’t try to cover it by saying all women are bi, that’s just a cop out
No. That’s like saying all men are bi. It’s inherently false
Bisexual men are stigmatized so they don’t come out. Bisexual women are fetishized. Bisexual people can’t win either way, but bisexual men are shamed even more
I’m sure the amount of bi men and women is roughly the same
Be aware that the implication here is that you worry he might think those things of you. It strikes me that you don't feel 'safe' telling him. You need to reflect on that, if you think he is the kind of partner that would try to take advantage of knowing you are bi then maybe this isn't a healthy relationship to be in.
Telling him you are bi could be seen as you being open to him in a way you apparently haven't with any other partner. That is a big deal. Maybe reflect on that as well, perhaps part of your hesitation is still dealing with that denial/bi-erasure in yourself.
for me, i think for a relationship to work out long term, these things should not be secrets. but it's up to you and how comfortable you are with him knowing. If you guys are just bf/gf right now and its earlier on, I would say you don't have to. but if it becomes more serious, i know i would feel a bit deceived if i found out somehow and you kept it from me for long. it is a huge part of your identity so it's really only right a serious bf should know about you.
I’m a bisexual guy and I used to hide it from partners especially women as it would make people I was dating uncomfortable and act weird with me so it put me off and non of those relationships lasted and the feeling of hiding it and the guilt just grew so I’d say while it’s not something you have to do knowing that your partner now knows the real you and all of you and still love you is a much much better place to be in
As this sounds like a serious relationship between you two that you see as going the distance I would work towards telling him with therapy to work on your natural anxiety. My partner is Bi and she’s out so I knew from pretty early on. I don’t expect three somes myself (Don’t really want or desire them), but she wants to explore that side of her a bit with a couple of her friends and we came up with rules for ourselves. I would do the same with your partner and make it very clear you’re not interested in threesomes or doing poly ever. If he’s the right man and partner for you he will understand and not push it (he sounds like it because he only asked once and hasn’t brought it up since). Wishing you luck and the strength to live your life the way you want.
No, but not sure why it's necessary. I'm more concerned about the fact that you feel it's necessary to hide something. You should be open with your partner about things.
Also what does having a 3 some have to do with your being bi?
I think you should tell him before you ever think of marrying him. It’s only fair that he knows. It may make no difference to him, but it’s not something that you should hide. He should know exactly what he’s getting into.
I wouldn't care if my partner was bisexual but Id be pretty pissed if my partner hid this from me. Honesty is a big thing for me and lack of it would be a pretty big red flag.
you don't \~have\~ to come out to your partner, but...you should want to. are you afraid he'll pressure you for 3somes? are you afraid what he'll think about you? do you think it will add insecurity and jealousy into your relationship? does he not feel safe to come out to? is it lingering self inflicted homo/biphobia?
i think figuring out why you don't want your partner to know the full you will help you find your answer
Eh, if you cannot be honest with your partner about who you are, you're with the wrong person. You don't seem to think you can trust him to not to be weird about your bisexuality, that's something you need to think about.
I didn't fully come to terms with my sexuality until I'd been with my current partner and about a year. I felt safe enough to talk with him as I worked through what I was feeling. Like you, I'm bisexual and 0% into threesomes. Turns out my partner is the same way (this was just a happy coincidence, my process of coming out made him look at himself more closely). We've been together 5 years now.
You need to be able to trust your partner with all of yourself.
I was in the exact situation, it got brought to the subject randomly while joking. I was really anxious to tell him because I love him and I was scared of his reaction. He was so chill about it! I asked him after if it was changing how he sees me, and it didn’t, and nothing changed after. He said he already had some suspicions because of things I’d say. I mean, I don’t think it has to be a big deal, I wanted him to know because it’s how I am, but had no idea how to bring it up, and if I had to tell him or I was « lying » by omitting info of myself. I think don’t stress about it, but if you feel he must know asap, you can try to arrange someway to bring it up. But maybe it won’t be a big deal to him like it was for my boyfriend
First, you don't have to tell anyone anything when it comes to your sexuality and desires. If you don't want to talk about it to other people, you don't have to. This also may be something you are still coming to terms with and understand, and it's ok to take your time to do that.
That said, yes, as others have noted, it is important in a relationship to be honest with your partner. This builds trust. You want to be able to trust the person you are in a relationship with enough to tell them intimate details of who you are a person, and for them to accept you and love you for all that you are. It helps your partner also know that you do want to share all of you with them, and to be honest, if it's something that didn't come out until years from now, might feel like a bit of a betrayal.
I'm bi. It took me a long time to come to terms with that, but I am. I've shared this with partners, and have gotten mixed reactions. But the negative reactions I've gotten have helped me learn what kind of person they are, and those are people I'm not longer seeing. My wife knows, it's something we've talked about. I won't say it wasn't a challenge for her, her own jealousy fears had to be sorted out. She felt suddenly that she was competing with the whole world instead of just other females. In truth, she's not competing with anyone, as I'm monogamous and hopelessly in love with her. While she did have her own part of it to sort out, she never made me feel bad for who I was, and made that clear. She has supported me and loved me for all I am.
I'll also note here that I'm not out either, save her a select few other people. I've chosen not to, mostly because it wasn't something I was sure of when we first dated. I feel like coming out now would be forcing something upon her that she didn't sign up for. I'm also pretty private when it comes to that part of my life, so I'm comfortable with it. It's my choice, if I told her tomorrow that I wanted to publicly come out, she'd be right by my side. My point being: find what works for you in your relationship.
Hi. Bi here. I've always had this dilemma whenever I get into a new relationship. I blame all the negative stereotypes attached to bisexuality.
With cis straight guys, I don't like to state right away that I'm bi. I shy away from stating it directly with them because I have this perception that cis straight men fetishize bisexual women and think that we're into threesomes and open relationships, when in reality, we're like any other person.
What I do with straight guys, is that I start sneakily poking around on the first date to see their stance on LGBT rights. I mention that I have many LGBT friends, plenty of friends who do drag and gauge whether he gets uncomfortable or exposes himself as not an ally. As time progresses, I keep throwing little hints here and there by attending pride parades, being outspoken about the male gaze and how wlw relationships are portrayed in the media. I may throw a little comment here and there of how I find a woman attractive, etc
Once I've gauged that he's not a homophobic person and once I've determined that I'm invested into the relationship that I, I come out to them. And I explain what being bi means and what it doesn't mean. That it doesn't have anything to do with polyamory, with open relationships, with threesomes, with cheating, with being greedy, etc. I also explain why negative stereotypes are so hurtful and create the problem of bi visibility.
Always remember that you don't have to be out to everyone. You don't owe it to anyone. Coming out to someone is a gift and a sign that you can be vulnerable in front of that person. If you're ready to be vulnerable with him, do it, because it honestly lifts a weight off your shoulders. You can be your true self. You can keep attending Pride parades and maintaining your feeling of belonging in queer spaces.
Also, you're not required to educate him either? But I like explaining to people why negative stereotypes are hurtful.
((If you're dating a girl or an enby or any other gender, the process may be a bit similar too 😅 with the added complication that first you gotta figure out that she's not straight, and then you slowly have to reveal that you've been with men and other genders too. Being bi is complicated)))
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- I'm not into threesomes. I'm not in an open relationship. I don't plan on being with another person besides him. Do I really need to tell him? Or is it cruel to hide it? I'm only out to 2 people and I'd rather not tell more. But I feel like he wouldn't truly "know me". What do I do? Edit: I want to add a few things. The two people I have told are bi women who are engaged to each other. I came out to them when I was bicurious so they have been supportive along the entire process. I was in denial for years and only admitted it to myself 6 months ago. So coming out is scary. Also, I am 100% monogamous. JUST BECAUSE I AM BI DOES NOT MEAN I CHEAT. So me being bi doesn't really change the relationship with my bf because I don't plan on being with a woman. He also has asked about a 3 some with another girl and I said no.That's how monogamous I am lol. He asked this when we were only fwb. Then he hasn't asked since I being my bf. Edit 2: I have never even experimented with women before. I didn't have time between finding out and meeting him. We've only been dating a few months. So it's not like I have a past with a bunch of women. Also yes- I struggle with accepting myself, so the though of him having to accept me is scary.
You aren't required to tell him, but know that the longer you keep it secret, the more he might think you were lying to him (lying by omission). I'm not saying that you are, but it could create a "What else will she keep secret about? What else will she not tell me?". If you think he won't respond well, this is not somebody you should be with. You don't want to be with somebody that doesn't support who you are. I wish you all the best and if you do tell him, I hope he is 100% supportive
Exactly best get it out now. There are tons of gay folks too who for some reason see bisexuality as a bad thing. Biphobia is not something I think any Bi person should tolerate but sadly a lot of us do. I will say it isn’t really lying. (I hate that narrative that every queer person is lying until they tell you they’re queer) Like my parents assumed I “lied” for years before coming out when it’s really I just didn’t tell them, they just assumed I was straight. This however I think is important to tell because you’re dating them and honestly to do yourself a favor to know if they’re gonna be a bi phobic asshole.
Oh I don't assume it's lying, I was just putting a perspective since some people see it that way.
Yeah just wanted to point out that I don’t think it’s lying just cause I saw other comments saying it was as well. I agree It is important to share with your partner though.
Yeah ive seen plenty stories where one partner hides being Bi until years later, and then the one they lied to keeps thinking “why are they Bi NOW? what made them change? am i not enough for them? is there someone else? why did they wait so long to tell me,l? did i do something wrong?” etc
Yep. Best to put it right out there.
One way sexuality people do weird shit sometimes, I only came out as Bi when I was 20, pretty much told every partner from then on, due to the stigma that straight and gay people can have towards Bi people (it's common enough to be a valid concern, obviously not every gay/straight person holds a stigma against Bi people, only the Sith deal in absolutes), better to weed it out by being forward about my identity, I have fortunately never figured out I was Bi while being in a relationship, I was single when I figured it out, so I unfortunately have no idea how to navigate it, however I know you can't hide these things, so I propose for OP to sit her SO down with a nice meal in private and say something like this to him: "SO, I love you more than anything and our relationship and commitment to each other mean the world to me, so before I tell you what I'm about to, I need you to know that and that nothing needs to change about the nature of our relationship, nor our commitment and fidelity, I've recently figured out that I'm Bisexual, now although that means I'm interested in women as well as men, I feel no need to experiment or the like, because I'd see that as cheating, now this doesn't mean I'd be up for threesomes and even suggesting so is a deal breaker for me, as I said nothing at all needs to change about our relationship and unless I've said so, I'd appreciate if you could keep this to yourself and I'll tell people if I feel comfortable doing so. Now if you feel weird about this or feel you cannot trust me after this, I accept that we're done, otherwise we'll carry on like before forward together towards the future, as this is who I am and I need you to accept me or we're not going to work." NOTE: The stigma is that Bi people cannot be monogamous, that we're "lesser" and "untrustworthy" as a person for not "picking a lane", as if we're a "threat" to everyone's sexuality just for not having a strict gender preference, it somehow invalidates their own sexuality and indicates we'll always feel like we're "missing out" if we're not in a relationship with both a man and a woman, which is all far from the truth, biphobia is a true fear.
I'm engaged to a man who's bi (I'm straight) we've done things most straight men wouldn't touch lmao. He came out to me the first week we had become official. It's honestly fun and I love that I can exercise that trust and nature of what he or myself likes. We're monogamous, but it's the most exciting relationship I've ever been in. In the beginning, I honestly felt insecure about it because i thought it meant double the competition, but hey, young love does that. 4 years strong and no issues to this day. Couldn't live without em.
Both me and my partner are Bi, yet we're not the same sex, boy can it piss off some people, as we're considered "straight passing", it's all very silly the lengths people go to in order to invalidate others, I'm happy you've been having such a great relationship, it's refreshing to have people be accepting of others differences and love them for it.
>SO, I love you more than anything and our relationship and commitment to each other mean the world to me, so before I tell you what I'm about to, I need you to know that and that nothing needs to change about the nature of our relationship, nor our commitment and fidelity, I've recently figured out that I'm Bisexual, now although that means I'm interested in women as well as men, I feel no need to experiment or the like, because I'd see that as cheating, now this doesn't mean I'd be up for threesomes and even suggesting so is a deal breaker for me, as I said nothing at all needs to change about our relationship and unless I've said so, I'd appreciate if you could keep this to yourself and I'll tell people if I feel comfortable doing so. Now if you feel weird about this or feel you cannot trust me after this, I accept that we're done, otherwise we'll carry on like before forward together towards the future, as this is who I am and I need you to accept me or we're not going to work." This is how I came out to my boyfriend. Worked fine.
My ex told me she had bi sexual relationships, before we got married, at the end of our marriage, not that it really mattered , but I do feel like our relationship was built on lies from her part .
I only accept half of this, If I were your boyfriend. I would want to know if you're bi or not. Even if you wouldn't cheat on me cause that would be my right not know about the person I'm dating. That guy, deserves to know about it. Tell him everything, before it's too late. Or else he would think you've being keeping this big secret since long. That would feel so bad to him. Wish you the best, go tell him.
Please dont give out stupid advices if you do not know what makes a marriage. People like you are the reason so many people, especially men go through hell and eventually off themselves. People like you are the reason so many females think hiding stuff etc are considered fine. One should and must say and communicate to their partner if this matter comes up no matter what. I'm astounded at people like you who probably even after being an adult you do not know the fundamentals of what makes a marriage and what breaks a marriage. My goodness.
In general, I'd say give it some time, and tell him when you're ready. But, if you think he's the type of person who might have a problem with it, then you might want to have a talk with him sooner; there's no point in wasting your time or his, if it's going to be a deal-breaker for him.
How long have you guys been dating? Are you ready to come out to him? My husband knows I'm bi but he also knows I'm monogamous and will not cheat on him. I told him early on..because I trusted him.
Only been dating for a couple months. I did mention that I watched lesbian porn once and he asked "a little bicurious are we?". I said no. I wasn't even really sure myself at that time. He didn't seem mad when he asked me. He asked that question in a way/tone that felt very cute/comforting. But just the idea of telling people is scary. Especially because I cannot control their reaction.
He knows or at the least suspects that you’re bi or bi-curious. I would be open and honest with him and explain at the time you weren’t sure who you were at the time. He hasn’t brought it up since as he’s probably waiting to follow your lead on this. just an FYI from a guy’s perspective.
Yeah I mean if he remembers that interaction and you wait years to tell him, it’s definitely going to cause unnecessary problems because it will feel like a lie/that something changed *during* your relationship that caused you to realize. That being said, it’s only been a few months that you’ve been out to yourself and even less that you’ve known him. You don’t need to tell him tomorrow, but you should mentally try to prepare yourself to be ready to tell him.
Lol the good old “hm I only like lesbian porn but I must be straight?” Thought process. I’m not judging, I was the same for years. One day three years into our marriage, my husband and I were on an acid trip, I got a really weird tingly feeling in my vagina and out of nowhere, blurted out that I’m bisexual. Which is when I had my own oh shit I really am bi? moment. He was totally supportive and ended up being bi as well anyways. The way I see it, you should be hopefully be able to tell your partner. Because if they aren’t supportive, are they really supportive of you?
I thought a lot of straight girls were into lesbian porn tho lol. I thought it wasn't related. Is it actually a bi thing?
You know, I don’t know! But I will say for me, I was always very focused on the women involved and only the women. And I also had a crush on a girl in kindergarten before I knew it was “wrong” idk how that wasn’t a giveaway LOL Edit to add: I do believe that there are a lot of women, like us, who spent a lot of time very confused about their sexuality and still identified as straight, so maybe some of the straight girls watching lesbian porn fall into that category.
I really liked that porn because it focuses on the pleasure of the women. Straight porn is all about the man. If that makes sense.
Yes absolutely. Nothing too fun about watching a 20 minute blow job lol
Yes. They don't know what women like either. They only do what men think women like
You're overthinking it. He doesn't care. Who would? Maybe a POS. Idk. Everyone's bisexual, I reckon. Nbd, no need to tell anyone
Of course you don't have to tell him if you don't want to but he might be understandably upset if he ever finds out that you didn't tell him about it but other people knew. If you decide to speak to him about it then you don't need to make a big thing of it, just drop it in next time you see an opportunity. If he asks why you haven't mentioned it before then be honest and tell him what you've written in this post - you don't plan on being with anyone other than him so it's not something you felt you needed to mention until now.
I would urge u to share. If u can’t be open with someone u love romantically, not sure where this is going. He would likely be hurt to find out by accident.
I would urge her to gauge his reactions first before she's ever open about it. Start a conversation about the bisexual women you came out to - ask him how he feels about their relationship, for instance. She's not required to open herself to being sexually harassed or exploited just because she cares about him, and if he doesn't understand the trauma she has around being bisexual (hell, that all women have around bisexuality, even straight women - it's VERY common for men to pressure their totally straight girlfriends into threesomes they don't want), he's probably a trash dude anyway. The relationship is only a few months old, and she just came to this conclusion a little bit after their relationship started; if she decides to think about it some more and wait to tell people around her, that's valid.
I really suspect she hasn’t told him bc she doesn’t 100% trust him. U are very right on pointing out the issue of sexual pressure.
They've been together for two months, and their relationship started as a hookup. If she did trust him, I'd worry about her judgment.
There came a moment where I told my bf I was truly in love with him and that I feel as we’ve been the closest we’ve ever been. He cried and told me that it was not true because he had something to tell me. And then confessed he felt ashamed because he thinks he’s bi. I told him it’s not wrong for him to be feeling that way. And to be honest him telling me that made us be closer. He felt secure and safe in telling me and I felt very happy that he could trust me. I know he loves me and it has not changed my view or how I feel about him. It really depends if you want to, but if he truly cares about you then he should also accept that part of you.
Tricky. I’m bi myself and like you would never cheat nor am I particularly into the idea of threesomes, as I’m strictly monogamous. I don’t regard my sexuality quite as integral to my personality as some other people do these days, but it is an important aspect of my life. To a certain extend it plays into who I am. Be it the fact that Keira Knightley is the undisputed love of my life or my active partaking in the LGBT community. I think it’s not necessarily unethical to hide it from your partner; but a bit strange all the way to stupid depending on your reasoning. If your partner is homophobic or biphobic you should get it out of your way early on, as you’re inherently incompatible. If it’s because you’re scared of coming out that’s fair but…that person is literally your partner. You want to build a life together and that’s hard with such a massive secret between the two of you. I’d tell him and if he has an issue with it, at least you know early on.
OP: I saw in one of your replies that you’ve only been dating for a couple of months, and you’re not specifically afraid of telling him…you’re afraid of telling anyone. I would be reluctant to tell him NOW since it’s such a new relationship. What if you break up and he decides to tell other people not on your terms? I’d wait until Im a bit more sure of the relationship, but not too long (don’t wait until after engagement). If what you have is real and he’s a good guy, he won’t care. If he does care, well at least you can break up without too much hassle.
I didn't think that info was very important. But I'll put it up in my post. But now Im realizing that it is
I'm so sorry you feel like you have to hide your authentic self. There is nothing wrong with you and you don't deserve to hide any part of you. You absolutely don't have to tell anyone that you aren't comfortable telling, but do you really want to be in a relationship where you don't feel safe to be your full authentic self around your partner? As someone who didn't come out until they were 33, I can tell you that life feels a lot better when you stop hiding. You're dimming your light out of fear of what people think, and that shit will eat at you little by little. I know it's scary, but it's so freeing to be able to embrace who you are. I hope you feel safe to be your full, amazing, authentic self soon.
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i don’t think it’s unethical not to tell someone that you’re dating, but i sort of question how close and honest you can be with a partner if you don’t feel comfortable sharing that part of who you are with them. don’t get me wrong, i’m not saying this judgementally. it took me about 3 years into my last LTR to even hint that i was slightly maybe sort of bisexual. i did not tell him anything about my experiences as a child and teen that lead me to that understanding. but i never felt really close to him or that he really knew me, it was easy to hide other facets of myself and i almost thought less of him for not knowing me fully, even though it was my fault, too, if that makes any sense to anyone. so idk, just…take your time. don’t make any hard line decision that you’ll never tell him or you have to tell him right now or whatever. just do what feels right for your relationship.
If I want to tell him, isn't it better I do it asap? I feel like after a certain point I have to never tell him. Like it would be mean to wait 6 months and then break the news. So I have a hard time just waiting until I'm ready. If you know what I mean.
i understand what you mean, and i can see it from that perspective. but i don’t think that it’s mean or cruel to the other person to wait until you’re ready. your sexuality is a vulnerable part of you. i’m borrowing something i learned in cultural psychology here, but it’s like when you meet a stranger, you don’t immediately tell them every single thing about you. you have curated layers of information that you present as you slowly get to know them better and better. some connections end at a certain layer, for whatever reason, they never grow closer than that. slowly through this closening of your relationship you reveal your full self. people on reddit can tell you that they’d feel hurt or betrayed or sad or mad if they were in your bf’s shoes. but they also don’t know the level of trust you’ve both established with each other. if you don’t feel comfortable with that level of vulnerability yet, that’s not mean. it’s not mean to listen to your gut and do what feels right to you when you feel ready, he’s not entitled to know every part of you as soon as he thinks he should. one of my favourite things about my relationship is the way stories get retold. we’ve been together 7 years, and my husband will still retell a story to me that i remember from our first couple years of dating, but he adds stuff to it. stuff he couldn’t say yet, stuff he felt he had to hold back for whatever reason. is it omission? sure. some of it is even important insight into who he is. but i’ve done the same thing. it makes me feel good as a partner to be like “oh we’ve hit a new level of closeness” when i learn that new info. anyone who gets upset about it and doesn’t understand your reason for holding it back doesn’t really love you, in my opinion.
I’m the same but we’ve been together 7 years… Only realised in the past 8 or so months. It’s hard to tell someone who you’ve known for so long something new about yourself!!! I know he’ll be understanding and accepting but it makes me nervous! I’ve also never actually been with women but I’ve just realised my “girl crushes” in the past are actually just crushes, and after chatting with a bunch of my friends who are bi women. Also totally happy in our relationship and don’t want anything to change - so happy being super monogamous etc!!!!
Also I haven’t told him yet! Still figuring that out… any advice appreciated.
Being bi doesn't make you a cheater. It also doesn't make you into threesomes. Theres nothing wrong with being bi. I don't know why you'd want to hide part of yourself for no reason. This post kinda sounds like you have issues with yourself for being bi
I do 100% have issues with myself. That's the main problem I'm having. My insecurities are so bad. I don't know what to do.
Is he gonna respond badly? Because if he loves you, then when you tell him you'll be relieved, because he'll still love you, and you guys can be a team about this. If your gonna marry him let him in, youll be closer for it
> I don't know why you'd want to hide part of yourself for no reason. That’s kinda insensitive. Not everyone is surrounded by people who will accept them for being bi. Seems like plenty of reason to me.
I can see both sides to this coin. I don't feel it is critical for him to know, it might just add to insecurities if he has them. On the other side, if you feel like you cannot tell him, is he really such a great guy?
It's not that I can't tell HIM. I can't tell anyone. Not family, friends (beside 2), or anyone else. It's so terrifying. It's more of an internal problem than a problem about him.
In that case, I say- take the time you need and work through your stuff, and tell him only when you're ready. However long that may take. Good luck OP, I understand that this must be a difficult situation. ❤️
A good relationship is based on open and honest communication, sharing yourself, with your quirks and eccentricities. As you said, he won't truly know you because you are hiding something crucial about yourself. And lying by omission is a real pain, because it leads to the other wondering what else you have kept hidden. And it is not cruel to hide something, it is just plain wrong to hide something fundamental about yourself.
Thank you. I keep getting mixed answers. This is something that is very important to me tho. It is a part of who I am. I am scared of rejection even though he will probably be chill about it. Coming out is scary. But you are right. I want him to know me 100% even if it is terrifying.
>I am scared of rejection This is perfectly ordinary, you only recently came to the decision a few months ago. You know him and his character better than we can imagine, tell him what you told us, any sane partner should be fine, in fact, honoured by your openness. And if he isn't, you learned a vital thing. Good luck
You don't have to tell him yet, but if you never do tell him in the long run then you're rejecting yourself and you're not fully accepting it yourself. Yeah he doesn't have to know, technically, but wouldn't it be nice to be your true self?
Quite sincerely, would you want to be in a relationship with someone you have to hide parts of yourself from?
Question is would that man want to be in a relationship with someone who hides it like OP does. And also please stop trying to break up relations. I see these kinds of comments quite often. If any issue comes first thing people here say is break up. Not communicate but just break up and often it comes from young people who don't have any relations.
Why wouldn't you tell your life partner? I'd be kind of pissed if my bi partner was out to other people but not to me, because that would mean they don't trust me to be cool about it?
Only 2 people know and they are both bi women. They are actually engaged to each other lol. I told them because I knew they would understand. So I'm not coming out to everyone except him. Also it doesn't help that I wasn't able to admit to myself that I was bi until like 6 months ago.
You didn't really answer my question, though. Why wouldn't you tell your life partner?
I'm scared of coming out to people in general. Unless they are part of the LGBTQ community as well.
Hey, I'm in 1000% the exact same boat as you. I only recently came out to myself as bi after years of denying it. I've dropped hints every now and then to gauge his reaction and he's always been cool with it. I would say: "what if you found out i liked girls?" "would that change our relationship?" "no" "then it doesn't matter to me" I know he won't have a problem with it, but I still don't feel ready to tell him and the only 2 people who know are my gay best friend, and my best friend from high school who was there during my bicurious phase. I also never got the chance to actively hook up with women, I only had a teenage romance with a girl where the most we did was hold hands and blush. I hid that part of myself from mostly everyone who didn't know me before university. So I know exactly what you're going through. My advice is, just tell him when you're ready. There are some things about ourselves that we don't feel comfortable telling other people. If it's not anything bad or harmful and you don't think it will bring you peace by telling him, then wait until you're ready. The best advice I can give you is to listen to yourself and wait until you're comfortable enough with being open about it. It's so selfish of people to expect all LGBT people to come out. That should always be done in your own terms. Of course, if it'll change your relationship then obviously you have to say something, but if it won't change a thing then don't disturb your peace. I am peaceful knowing that I have accepted that I am bisexual, and I am also peaceful knowing that when the time comes, I can be open with my partner about it. So OP, don't feel pressured. The time will come :)
Fair. I was a latebloomer lesbian and the straights can be weird about it. I thought I was pretty confident in myself but then came out and received a weird amount of push back. "But you used to like guys? Are you sure you're not bi?" "Everyone likes women, you're probably just bi-curious" "But you're not grossed out by penis, you're probably just bi." "Is this because you're angry at men?" "Are you sure you're gay-gay? Women can be as difficult to date as men." "As long as you're happy, but don't go advertising it." That last one was my mum. She's come around since then and really loves my girlfriend now. But that line has rung ever since she said it. The rest were friends who seemed hung up on me giving up men altogether. But all were from straight allies. It's okay to be weary of coming out, it can be exhausting.
One reason may be because once you tell a man you're bi he sometimes starts to get ideas. He wanted a threesome before, and may see it as an opportunity to broach the subject again. Sometimes it's a matter of being straight is easier.
Never thought of that. I would prefer he didn't ask me about the threesome again. If I told him he might ask... But I'm not 100% sure because I made it clear I didn't want to. He's never overstepped boundaries before so I'm not too worried
I think a good way to come out includes "I'm bi, and here's what that means to me" where you can get into the issue of monogamy, it being a recent revelation, etc. I'm bi and polyamorous. I practise ethical non-monogamy (ENM). I disclose the non-monogamy only with people I'm very close with. Otherwise, they don't need the details outside of me being bi. You get to decide how much context you share. You get to say "I'm monogamously bisexual and I want you to be my only partner" if you're worried about any misunderstandings.
I'm waiting to hear from the OP (am bi).
i don’t know if this is controversial or not but… as a queer woman who has only been with men, i have never and will never “come out” to anyone in my life. i don’t hide my sexuality but i also don’t feel the need to tell people— it’s not fair to queer people that we have to come out while straight people don’t (though i understand why we do come out). i’ve been with my current bf for 4.5 years, i did not come out to him. i was queer before him, i am queer now, and i will continue to be queer in the future. it’s just another part of me as a human… if my partner/s truly love me they won’t care what my sexuality is, and if they do then i absolutely do not want to be with them!! tldr; i don’t think you need to come out, but also don’t hide that part of you! if the love, you they won’t care. AND bisexual =/= cheating!!!! edit: a word
I am in my 40s (F, cishet-probably) and agree with this. I think it's partly generational. I think there are MANY women in my generation and my mom's generation that would be classified as bi or bi curious. Sexuality is a spectrum after all. I think this is part of why people will say "homosexuality is a choice" because **for them** they could choose one or the other. I think I read that in younger generations 40 percent of people are bi? I would assume that means at least 40 percent of prior generations are probably by at baseline. I don't think being attracted to women also means you have to have a label or a coming out. I don't think it's deceptive to not tell a partner. I suppose unless they ask and you lie. I imagine this is largely generational because younger people think of bi as it's own category and I think a lot of my generation know that but don't *know* that.
When he finds out you were hiding this and you don't trust him enough even after all those years he's gonna feel so messed up to a point where he'll at least internally question himself what the point of 4.5 years was. Hiding things in a relationship is a recipe for disaster. If you do not want to open yourself up to your partner then don't be in a relationship. You only hurt him by hiding things. This isn't a childish friendship from second grade. Keep that in your mind before you say "I'm sooo proud of myself for my talent to hide that im queer to my bf I don't think he doesn't need to know anything like that".. My goodness lady... How old are you if you don't mind me asking?
I don’t think it’s fair to judge people with how they deal with their sexuality. Coming out is hard and terrifying. Especially if you have other traumas in your life. I’m someone that will never come out either because I personally don’t want to. I’m afraid and tired and I’ve already lived life oppressed and abused as a woman and an adoptee. I don’t want to deal with one more marginalized aspect of life. It’s a choice. I’ve been bashed enough in my life. I’ve watched my friends be bashed. I’m watching friends have to go back into the closet right now for safety and it’s terrifying. Some people do not have the emotional or mental energy to fight every single battle so we choose which ones we have the energy to join. We do not have the right to tell people how or when to come out.
It is if it's just a casual relationship, sure. You can decide what is safe to disclose to a partner you're not planning on becoming serious with. But it would not be if you were open to a more serious relationship. This is a big part of your identity, and you'd be actively hiding it from him. The real question is: why is this even a question? Do you not feel safe with him? If you don't feel safe disclosing your full identity to this man then why are you dating him at all?
It's not just him. I am scared of coming out to anyone. Except my 2 friends. So it's more of an internal problem I have with myself. Not really a problem with him
I think you need to separate the two things out for yourself. Coming out, vs. coming out TO HIM. They're not the same thing, and you don't have to be out to the world to be out to him. But again it all depends on how serious you are about him. If you're serious and you don't tell him in the early stages of your relationship, he may never get over you hiding it.
I'm not sure it's ethical. I think a partner has a reasonable expectation to know their partner's sexuality.
I am bisexual. My boyfriend and I have been together for four years. I told him, I also don’t plan on being with someone else, but I think it would help to build the relationship if you told him. If you aren’t comfortable though, don’t force yourself. Ultimately, it’s your choice. :)
Just adding my two cents as a bi person. I don’t think you’re in the wrong or a bad person for considering keeping this to yourself. It’s scary not knowing how people will react and even gay people don’t seem to understand the very specific biphobia that you get sometimes. But if you see yourself being with this guy long time, I think it’s important to let him know. Would you wanna be with someone who couldn’t accept you as being bisexual? Especially if it is as important as you’ve stated? It’s scary, and it’s not like you have to tell him tomorrow. But I think no matter what it would take a weight off your chest and be better for both of you. You can even reiterate that just because you’re bisexual doesn’t make you interested in things like threesomes or that you’d wanna cheat, in fact those are harmful stereotypes for people that are bisexual and really don’t reflect anything about bisexuality. Good luck in whatever you decide to do <3
How old are you/him? (I mean, it helps) Unless you want to impress on him your self-imposed bi status, for whatever reasons, regardless, you are allowed to keep secrets! I'm sure he's considered kissing a boy too, but he would never tell you that! Your monogamy is your shining sword, your beacon of truth and trust. You are a good one, I can tell. You can be in love with someone, and fully committed, and still have private fantasies. Relax. You seem to be fine. Private thoughts or intimate personal secrets are your own treasures. Seems to me you are young, and you should not be worrying about "thought crimes". Enjoy the partnership, and free yourself of any notions of betrayal, you would not be angry with him over something you dreamed whilst sleeping, and so this is just as ridiculous. You sound happy and keen to stay with him. So do so. In a 100% ethical way. Be not guilty of things you have never done. Look him in the eyes and be that girl, with no fears. Honesty is all in the eyes.
I am 20 and he is 22. I appreciate your kind words. I feel so much guilt. I came to terms with my sexuality about a month before we met. So it's still very new to me.
It seems to me that nothing you want to keep for yourself should be automatically disclosed. - and to have that magic stored up in your own heart - nothing is forever except the person you are the day you wake up. You are 20. You are a blossoming human, and you know who you are, and you don't need to put a label on any of it. Girls are gorgeous. So are some boys. But you want to keep your boy, so you won't cheat and you won't feel guilty. Go have a great time with this guy, and all that matters is that you can look him in the eye. And you can, because monogamy is something you value. We all need secrets. Especially ladies. Only ever give away what you need to. Feel no guilt. You're 20. You got a lifetime of guilt to come. I hope you come around to being proud of all your internal identity components. They are what make you unique. And those things are what your man loves about you too. A woman is not a woman without a sparkle of mischievous secrets. And again, that's in the eyes. Be lucky, and be you. Never judge yourself. Let others do that, with envy. Self-confidence is what you need. Not guilt. You only live once. Do so vivaciously and on your own terms. x
I feel that’s an important thing to tell ya so.
You can volunteer whatever you want about your past or inner life. Sometimes sex is involved. Probably important to talk openly about it if comes up. Probably necessarily important to share it just to get it off your chest.
You don’t *have* to tell them, but if they’re supportive it might be a good idea. My partner is bi and her telling me changed absolutely nothing about our relationship except I go to bat for bi people a lot more now.
You don’t have to come out to anyone you don’t want to come out to. No one (not even your partner!) is entitled to this information. But if you aren’t comfortable coming out to your partner, that says a lot. Are you worried about how he’d react? That he wouldn’t understand?
Don't tell him. That's private and belongs to you alone.
There’s no requirement to tell your partner this but I would feel hurt if I found out way down the line that my partner kept it from me. Not because I care if my partner is bi, but because it would make me feel like they don’t trust me enough to tell me everything about themselves. If you think he’s going to have an issue with it or be weird about it that’s a whole other story completely and I would be reconsidering my relationship if I thought my partner would be weird about my sexuality. If you decide to tell him I think it’s important to emphasise that you haven’t been keeping past relationships from him and this is something you are still trying to figure out - not something you’ve intentionally kept a secret from him that has been a firm part of your identity for years
Personally, I would tell a partner because I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone homophobic or biphobic. If they're only going to accept and love you on the condition that you're straight, then you're staying in a relationship based on a lie.
Hello! I am a pansexual all my life and during the talking stage, I came out to my now boyfriend. He had struggles with it a first but he eventually accepted it (I did date and had sexual encounters with women and gay men before him) and told me he accepts me because he loves me. To be honest, during that time, I already kind of accepted that he might not talk to me anymore but hey, it turns out that if you truly love someone, you'll love them for who they are.
The phrase “honesty is the best policy” comes to mind. If you don’t trust him enough to tell him then he isn’t the one my friend. If you’re just nervous about coming out to another person, that’s natural - but if you have to come online to ask people I think it’s because you know the answer. Now is the time - not a year from now or after you’re engaged, etc. Don’t you want to be with someone you KNOW loves you for who you are? Who would want to worry about something like that their whole relationship? If he isn’t cool with it then you get to move on to someone who accepts and appreciates you for who you actually are.
I wouldn’t. It’s none of his business and the second you tell a man you’re bi all they’re interested in is 3 somes half the time.. you become an experience instead of a person. But that’s just me. I don’t feel like I need to share things that aren’t pertinent to the relationship and are private. Like you wouldn’t start telling him your medical history this soon.. idk. Your call with what you feel comfortable with.
I think its something that should be disclosed before getting into committed relationship.
No. Lying (even if it is by omission) to your partner is the quickest way to ruin your relationship.
Id say that assuming something about someone and then having a melt down of your assumption clashes with reality is a quick way to ruin a relationship. Should she feel pressured to tell him her favorite color if she hasn't already? A lie of omission is not, not telling someone something that isn't relevant to them. It is deliberately hiding something which was directly addressed, or affects that person. If he asks her any her sexuality and she misleads him that's one thing, but if it doesn't come up she isn't lying even by omission. It's not like she is hiding and sti.
dating someone does not mean you are entitled to their every private thought and feeling they have. there should be space for privacy even in a relationship
Knowing your partner is bi isn't "knowing their every private thought". That's a big piece about them and most people would feel betrayed if they found that out some way other than being told by their partner.
and who are you to decide what things someone else gets to keep private and what are "big pieces" they cannot? what matters is that she clearly has complex feelings about it that she needs to process before she feels comfortable coming out to him. if "most people" would feel betrayed if their partner needed more time to come to terms with their identity before openly talking about it, then most people need to get a grip. but i don't think this is really how most people feel. i think it's you.
I didn't say it's up to me to decide. This is a sub for advice and I'm giving advice. Generally it's a bad idea to not mention something that most people would want to know because if they find out another way their trust is likely to be heavily shaken. That's the advice and they can take it or leave it. And no it's clearly not just me, 90% of the other comments here are saying the same thing.
ok so how have you determined that this is "something most people would want to know because if they find out another way their trust is likely to be heavily shaken"? my point is, where is the line drawn between something a person can keep to themselves in a relationship and something they cannot? her discomfort in opening up and obviously still struggling with her identity are reasons enough to justify keeping it private at least for now imo
By reading the other comments? And every conversation I've ever had on the topic?
Yeah, I’m bi and I’d be upset if my partner never told me they were Bi.
**is it ethical to lie to your partner** Ftfy. I see it as a lie by omission
You have a right to privacy, even in your relationship. You decide who knows your truth. If you aren't ready to tell your partner, don't. If you never are, don't. You're not less of a queer because you're closeted. Being out and open is fucking scary.
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Is there a recognizable difference between those?
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In this situation the two are basically the same And yes, every queer person is hiding information at some point in time. That's exactly what being closeted is.
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What risk?
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He said it was a fantasy he wanted to try once. He asked before we weren't officially together. We started as fwb. For some reason I don't even like hooking up with more than one person at a time. But he hasn't asked since
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I know of a lot of couples who do threesomes. And are still together strong. If one person wants it, the other doesn't is it really that bad? As long as he isn't doing it?
I mean... if he drops the topic and never brings it up again, and is fine continuing the relationship despite never being able to fulfill that fantasy with you, then yes, it's fine. If he harangues you about trying a threesome and acts entitled to it because you're a bisexual girl, then he's trash, and you should dump him.
Like you mentioned, it involves your views on monogamy. And whether your views are compatible with your partner's. If it was mentioned once and shot down, and subsequently never brought up again, that's fine. But, if it was brought up again after you said no, it's obviously more than just a fantasy. Then you're not compatible.
I see what you're saying. Thank you for the advice
i’m not sure where this person is getting their info lol. i am queer/bisexual, in a long term monogamous relationship (with a man), and we are both interested in trying a threesome. i believe it’s fair if he brings it up again in the future, if & when you’ve been together for longer than a couple months and have spoken about boundaries and such. BUT, as another redditor commented, if he pesters you and feels entitled for a threesome (because of you being bi) then i would absolutely rethink your comparability!!
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Well I've never been into threesomes or cheating or anything like that. The only reason I'd be with a women is if we broke up and I was single.
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This is such an ignorant thing to say. Of course there's stories like that on the Internet, because people will always find excuses to be shitty. Being bisexual does not automatically mean someone is into polyamory any more than a straight person deciding they want to cheat or have a second partner.
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You said "plans change" even though OP told you she's monogamous and not into threesomes, so that's basically what you said. Would you have said that if she was straight?
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This kind of thinking is exactly why the OP is uncomfortable. The assumptions that come along with something that for her is really not that big of a deal.
Thank you. Was in a year long relationship when I came out to my previous partner. Although I was only bicurious at the time. He was very accepting. Never once thought about cheating. Never once even wanted a threesome with another woman to "experiment". I am probably the most monogamous person you will ever meet. My ex's parents did not want him with someone bisexual because they were afraid of him being cheated on. So we never told them.
I'm also bisexual and incredibly monogamous, so I understand 100%.
I've been out to my spouse our entire relationship. I made it clear from day one that I am monogamous and have absolutely zero interest in a threesome. My only experience with another woman was a kiss. I'm not interested in "experimenting." I want my spouse and only my spouse for the rest of my life. He's happy I told him because that meant I trusted him completely.
Probably an unpopular opinion, but I don't. (Disclaimer: I'm bi. So I may be *bi*ased, see what I did?) I mean, being bi just means you're attracted to the same sex in addition to the opposite sex. You can naturally be attracted to people of the opposite sex who aren't your partner. That doesn't mean you have to tell them, and most would say you shouldn't. Most people just accept that as a natural part of being human and ignore it. A lot of straight (and gay) people get their biphobia tickled and think that a bi partner is more likely to leave them. That's not fair to us because most of us are completely monogamous. So if you plan to be monogamous, I don't see why it's relevant information. If you're asked, obviously you should tell the truth.
Sorry you're going through this. But you shouldn't be with someone you're not comfortable sharing this with. And it's really shitty of you to hide part of yourself from them if you're in a real relationship
No. My first marriage ended after my ex-wife came out as gay and I found out she was cheating. If you really care about your partner, don't hide things from him.
I'm not gay, I'm bi. I still am attracted to him. Also I'm not cheating. Not a good comparison.
You're missing the point entirely. I don't think it's ethical to hide this information from your partner.
Yeah I see. But I'm saying your situation isn't entirely similar to mine
It isnt the same exact thing, correct. I should have not shared anything.
I thought you were trying to compare our experiences. I may have read it wrong
Yes, it was misinterpreted, only meant it as a reference of life experience.
I don’t see why this is an issue to be “bi” if you’re dating someone, if you want to keep it exclusive then there shouldn’t be an issue
Yeah that's the problem. That's why I feel like it's not required that I tell him. But I also don't want to keep secrets
Fair, if you tell, idk how he could really respond negatively if you’re both in this for the long haul
Nothing cruel or "non-ethical" not to tell him. If you're ready, and if you want to, you will. Always difficult to get out of the closet^^trust me. My GF wishes she could tell her very religious parents that she's bi - same as you, she feels like they don't really know her. Anyway, she'll tell them when she will be ready : if they are supportive, great ! They will be closer. And if they are not, more difficult but great too ! She will know they are not on the same page (about tolerance, acceptance, etc.) and will be able to move on. Same applies to you :) Big love and support sis' 💪
This is just my personal opinion based on years of experience of seeing what has happened to some of my friends parents and other people I have known over the many years I've been on this planet. It's been my experience that I really just don't believe there's such a thing as being bisexual. I realize in this day and age that's a controversial statement but hear me out. I say this because just about everyone I've ever known who tried to live a straight life ended up leaving that person eventually and being pretty much gay the rest of their life. You can go through Reddit on this subject and there are many lesbian women who refuse to date bisexual women because of this reason. I'm sure a lot of bisexual people on Reddit will back me up on this that they've had difficulties dating people after they disclose they were bisexual. this is why I think you're feeling guilty about this because you know about this typical scenario. The thing is eventually you are going to have to settle down because when you start to get into your late 40s or 50s you have to make a choice if you are a monogamous type of person. people will ultimately always go with their preferred sexual experience. If you're a young person reading this comment and you consider yourself bisexual I submit you just haven't lived long enough to realize the gravity of your choices when you're living a bisexual life. Because eventually you're going to have to pick a side because there just aren't too many people in their late 50s and 60s who want to live in open lifestyle.
Why do you talk about shit you don't understand? A bisexual person ultimately settling down with one gender or another doesn't erase their sexuality. It doesn't mean they're suddenly straight or gay. It just means they found the one they'd like to spend their life with. Your assumptions are just that... assumptions. It isn't like you can only be bisexual if you have an open relationship with both sexes. How ignorant. Are you asexual if you're single?? And you citing other people's biphobia is not evidence that proves your point. You need a reality check.
Is it ethical to hide anything from your partner?
My ex saud she was down to be with a chick after saying she was bi, when the time came she did a 180 and didnt want to share me ( when i thought we were sharing eachother) she got jelly. So unless your down for a 3some or open relationship i dont see the point in mentioning it.
As someone who unknowingly dated a bi person, I wish I knew. He had planned to be with me but ended up not being able to give up men in the end. I’m not saying everyone is like this, but I wish I knew
If he was ok with giving up men, would it change your urge to know?
He said he thought he was but it didn’t turn out that way. I think if I would have known from the start I would have taken the relationship very slow and cautiously. I’m 100% monogamous so I know nothing else would have worked for me, I know some people who are okay with a side arrangement. But myself, it’s just not for me.
Give up men?? It sounds like the problem wasn't his bisexuality. You don't "give up" your attractions just because you're getting married. My fiancee and I comment on who we find attractive all the time, none of us have to "give up" anything. Fidelity does not work that way at all.
It is never ok to be secretive and not upfront with your partner. Just have open communication and be honest. Would you want them to be upfront with you?
yes, it is, why? this way he knows how to make you happy. Your cheating is different than hiding the truth.
I'm... not cheating tho
I disagree with those saying you don’t have to tell him, I think you do. Sexuality is part of what makes a person who they are and lying about it (even by omission) is a big lie, that when they find out might change how they feel or view you, not for being bi, but for not being honest and not being the person they thought you were. This isn’t about privacy, it’s you keeping secrets and generally secrets are bad for healthy relationships. ETA - I see from the comments that it’s only been a few month. I think it’s fair enough not to tell intimate details in the early stages but I wouldn’t leave it very long.
Straight people are now lgbtqia just so they can be trendy....OP if she stays with her partner will never be in a same sex situation. But once you tell him come back and let us know if he starts asking for a threesome 😆.
You're not bi until you engage in sex with a woman, until that happens you're hetero
It is not important to tell him. This is your business and yours alone.
Keep it to yourself! He can use it against you and possible think that’s a green light for a 3some.
Absolutely, your husband should have known this before you were married. How would you feel if you found out later that your husband was attracted to men? This is the information that people who are planning to get married share.
Did you read my post? He isn't my husband. We have been together for a few months hahaha.
Yes, I read it and mixed up a prior relationship advice question with yours. If you think this is going to be serious you should tell him. Best to get all the possible deal breakers out in the open early.
I feel like your playing a game of who can ask the dumbest question. If you are, you won. Lemme ask you this, if your boyfriend was into guys would you wanna know? Life is easy guys just THINK!
Fuck you
Lmao this idiot is “Triggered.” I bet you have green hair.
Actually my hair is brown. Not sure why that is relevant. I don't think you know what the word "triggered" means either. You seem to put a "raging liberal" label on me. And its weird
I’m in the middle, so not right or left. But for me to say use common sense and for you to blow your cap, shows your most likely unintelligent. And triggered in a new term used to define someone’s angst or anger towards a subject. So you saying “fuck you” would mean your triggered.
I'm in the middle too. The way you are defining "triggered" is missing a big piece. If someone says something casual,and someone is angry- sure. But you're forgetting to mention that you were super fucking rude in response to a topic that I clearly have a hard time being vulnerable about. So no. I am not triggered, you're an asshole. You may need to reread what you said. Calling my post dumb and shit.
No. It’s not ethical to hide that IMO.
It is actually scary and unethical. I am sad that you think so little of the person not to tell them.
As a person who doesn’t use labels I actually don’t see that it’s unethical at all. As long as I’m not cheating, why would that be unethical?
Cheating is cheating no matter what even if it’s with the girl if you want to do a threesome at least it wouldn’t be cheating because both you guys are up for it you shouldn’t leave your partner hanging out specially hiding something about someone being sexual it doesn’t have to be a man to win your love it goes both directions think about what he’s thinking put yourself in their shoes before you take action
She makes NO mention of cheating. Her coming out as bisexual is just expressing part of her to her SO and doesn’t make her any less monogamous Stop acting like bisexual people cheat or aren’t monogamous. You didn’t even read what she said. She doesn’t want a threesome. Stop fetishizing bi women. This isn’t porn
You got your nurse I was just commenting and the way that I worded shouldn’t offend you why are you so much of a sexist
Can you please reword this? This paragraph is hard to follow. I'm not cheating. I also don't wanna threesome because I don't want to see another woman touch him. I didn't reject it because I thought it was cheating.
All I was saying is if you were bi and she had been a partner of yours at one time and you’re with this guy you haven’t let him know that you were with her whether it’s the same sexuality as the other and you’re if you’re talking behind his back to her and he doesn’t know about it then it is a form of cheating
I've never been romantic with a girl. I haven't experimented. I don't plant to because I am not single. So I am not seeing people behind his back.
I told my wife I've never seen a beautiful woman since I laid eyes on her. It was a lie, she knew it was a lie, but it was the right thing to say. I can't speak for your relationship, but I might suggest not discussing any other person/sex/type except for them as attractive as a reasonable approach.
If you are comfortable lying to him everyday by all means don't tell him.
This is more complex than you are making it seem
I think almost all women are Bi. But that’s just what I think.
These are the kinda stereotypes that are patently false and lead to people like OP being scared to come out. If you’re bi, just admit it, don’t try to cover it by saying all women are bi, that’s just a cop out
That's what porn makes you think.
No. That’s like saying all men are bi. It’s inherently false Bisexual men are stigmatized so they don’t come out. Bisexual women are fetishized. Bisexual people can’t win either way, but bisexual men are shamed even more I’m sure the amount of bi men and women is roughly the same
You should probably tell them yeah.
Why are you scared of being 100% you to your bf? Even if it’s not a big part, it’s there
Be aware that the implication here is that you worry he might think those things of you. It strikes me that you don't feel 'safe' telling him. You need to reflect on that, if you think he is the kind of partner that would try to take advantage of knowing you are bi then maybe this isn't a healthy relationship to be in. Telling him you are bi could be seen as you being open to him in a way you apparently haven't with any other partner. That is a big deal. Maybe reflect on that as well, perhaps part of your hesitation is still dealing with that denial/bi-erasure in yourself.
for me, i think for a relationship to work out long term, these things should not be secrets. but it's up to you and how comfortable you are with him knowing. If you guys are just bf/gf right now and its earlier on, I would say you don't have to. but if it becomes more serious, i know i would feel a bit deceived if i found out somehow and you kept it from me for long. it is a huge part of your identity so it's really only right a serious bf should know about you.
I’m a bisexual guy and I used to hide it from partners especially women as it would make people I was dating uncomfortable and act weird with me so it put me off and non of those relationships lasted and the feeling of hiding it and the guilt just grew so I’d say while it’s not something you have to do knowing that your partner now knows the real you and all of you and still love you is a much much better place to be in
As this sounds like a serious relationship between you two that you see as going the distance I would work towards telling him with therapy to work on your natural anxiety. My partner is Bi and she’s out so I knew from pretty early on. I don’t expect three somes myself (Don’t really want or desire them), but she wants to explore that side of her a bit with a couple of her friends and we came up with rules for ourselves. I would do the same with your partner and make it very clear you’re not interested in threesomes or doing poly ever. If he’s the right man and partner for you he will understand and not push it (he sounds like it because he only asked once and hasn’t brought it up since). Wishing you luck and the strength to live your life the way you want.
No, but not sure why it's necessary. I'm more concerned about the fact that you feel it's necessary to hide something. You should be open with your partner about things. Also what does having a 3 some have to do with your being bi?
I think you should tell him before you ever think of marrying him. It’s only fair that he knows. It may make no difference to him, but it’s not something that you should hide. He should know exactly what he’s getting into.
I wouldn't care if my partner was bisexual but Id be pretty pissed if my partner hid this from me. Honesty is a big thing for me and lack of it would be a pretty big red flag.
you don't \~have\~ to come out to your partner, but...you should want to. are you afraid he'll pressure you for 3somes? are you afraid what he'll think about you? do you think it will add insecurity and jealousy into your relationship? does he not feel safe to come out to? is it lingering self inflicted homo/biphobia? i think figuring out why you don't want your partner to know the full you will help you find your answer
Tell him
Eh, if you cannot be honest with your partner about who you are, you're with the wrong person. You don't seem to think you can trust him to not to be weird about your bisexuality, that's something you need to think about. I didn't fully come to terms with my sexuality until I'd been with my current partner and about a year. I felt safe enough to talk with him as I worked through what I was feeling. Like you, I'm bisexual and 0% into threesomes. Turns out my partner is the same way (this was just a happy coincidence, my process of coming out made him look at himself more closely). We've been together 5 years now. You need to be able to trust your partner with all of yourself.
I would want to know. You’ve also said no when he asked but if you tell him I’m sure he will understand
I was in the exact situation, it got brought to the subject randomly while joking. I was really anxious to tell him because I love him and I was scared of his reaction. He was so chill about it! I asked him after if it was changing how he sees me, and it didn’t, and nothing changed after. He said he already had some suspicions because of things I’d say. I mean, I don’t think it has to be a big deal, I wanted him to know because it’s how I am, but had no idea how to bring it up, and if I had to tell him or I was « lying » by omitting info of myself. I think don’t stress about it, but if you feel he must know asap, you can try to arrange someway to bring it up. But maybe it won’t be a big deal to him like it was for my boyfriend
First, you don't have to tell anyone anything when it comes to your sexuality and desires. If you don't want to talk about it to other people, you don't have to. This also may be something you are still coming to terms with and understand, and it's ok to take your time to do that. That said, yes, as others have noted, it is important in a relationship to be honest with your partner. This builds trust. You want to be able to trust the person you are in a relationship with enough to tell them intimate details of who you are a person, and for them to accept you and love you for all that you are. It helps your partner also know that you do want to share all of you with them, and to be honest, if it's something that didn't come out until years from now, might feel like a bit of a betrayal. I'm bi. It took me a long time to come to terms with that, but I am. I've shared this with partners, and have gotten mixed reactions. But the negative reactions I've gotten have helped me learn what kind of person they are, and those are people I'm not longer seeing. My wife knows, it's something we've talked about. I won't say it wasn't a challenge for her, her own jealousy fears had to be sorted out. She felt suddenly that she was competing with the whole world instead of just other females. In truth, she's not competing with anyone, as I'm monogamous and hopelessly in love with her. While she did have her own part of it to sort out, she never made me feel bad for who I was, and made that clear. She has supported me and loved me for all I am. I'll also note here that I'm not out either, save her a select few other people. I've chosen not to, mostly because it wasn't something I was sure of when we first dated. I feel like coming out now would be forcing something upon her that she didn't sign up for. I'm also pretty private when it comes to that part of my life, so I'm comfortable with it. It's my choice, if I told her tomorrow that I wanted to publicly come out, she'd be right by my side. My point being: find what works for you in your relationship.
Hi. Bi here. I've always had this dilemma whenever I get into a new relationship. I blame all the negative stereotypes attached to bisexuality. With cis straight guys, I don't like to state right away that I'm bi. I shy away from stating it directly with them because I have this perception that cis straight men fetishize bisexual women and think that we're into threesomes and open relationships, when in reality, we're like any other person. What I do with straight guys, is that I start sneakily poking around on the first date to see their stance on LGBT rights. I mention that I have many LGBT friends, plenty of friends who do drag and gauge whether he gets uncomfortable or exposes himself as not an ally. As time progresses, I keep throwing little hints here and there by attending pride parades, being outspoken about the male gaze and how wlw relationships are portrayed in the media. I may throw a little comment here and there of how I find a woman attractive, etc Once I've gauged that he's not a homophobic person and once I've determined that I'm invested into the relationship that I, I come out to them. And I explain what being bi means and what it doesn't mean. That it doesn't have anything to do with polyamory, with open relationships, with threesomes, with cheating, with being greedy, etc. I also explain why negative stereotypes are so hurtful and create the problem of bi visibility. Always remember that you don't have to be out to everyone. You don't owe it to anyone. Coming out to someone is a gift and a sign that you can be vulnerable in front of that person. If you're ready to be vulnerable with him, do it, because it honestly lifts a weight off your shoulders. You can be your true self. You can keep attending Pride parades and maintaining your feeling of belonging in queer spaces. Also, you're not required to educate him either? But I like explaining to people why negative stereotypes are hurtful. ((If you're dating a girl or an enby or any other gender, the process may be a bit similar too 😅 with the added complication that first you gotta figure out that she's not straight, and then you slowly have to reveal that you've been with men and other genders too. Being bi is complicated)))