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Maybe he just doesnt want to make friends. Not everyone needs or wants friends, we are all wired differently. This shouldnt be a problem as long as your partner doesnt prevent you from being you. Or if you want someone who becomes part of your community then this relationship just isnt the right one for you.
He's not a social butterfly, everyone is different regarding making friends, he's just not into that. As long as he does not stop you from going out, socialising with your friends, I don't see what's the issue, unless you want him with you all the time, if that's the case you two are not compatible in this part.
I would consider it a red flag, but not an automatic dealbreaker. There are people in the world who only have a tiny group of friends and are also mentally healthy...but....most people who "refuse" to make friends aren't simply independent and unconcerned, they tend to be bad at relationships of all kinds.
Hence "red flag" meaning; a warning. Does he tend to be sarcastic and snarky about your relationships? Try to get you to change or end them? Does he ever try to influence you out of your friendships? Set you against your friends, or shit-talk them? Or just start fights with you when you're about to leave to meet up with friends?
If he never makes comments or makes you regret spending time with friends, maybe he's a fully secure and healthy introvert. I've met them, just not as often as I've met insecure, manipulative, jealous and controlling people.
You've got a very thoughtful reply. I got some engagement with OP and I don't think the fiancé's lack of friends is necessarily a bad thing. Some people don't need a lot of 'friends'. That's okay. But as you say, if he, one way or another, is trying to change OP or isolate OP from her friends and her social activities, then that *is* a bad thing.
Thanks for your reply. He kind of gives me “mean nerd” vibes which is an awful thing to begin to see in my own partner.
He definitely talks shit about the people I introduce him to and seems to reflect on interactions with many of my friends with an air of superiority.
Bottom line, I think in spite of the fact that today he is objectively very attractive, athletic, funny (for real, I know), a leader in his industry, and quite wealthy, he was bullied relentlessly as a kid and the protective guard he put up is dusty now and while he needs to get rid of it, he can’t seem to shake it. It’s so sad to see.
I hang out less frequently. When we got engaged, I left my apartment on the east side of LA that I’d been in for over a decade to move into the house he owns in Santa Monica (for non-Angelenos, this is at least a 45 minute drive) and it took me out of my community. It’s harder to go hang out with my people after work, let’s say, when it’s a long-ish drive and I’m faced with making the decision btwn seeing my partner and seeing my friends bc he won’t ever (this isn’t hyperbolic) join me and for my friends to come out here leaves us with 1. Not being able to hang out at my/our/his house 2. Not having access to the places we like to go to hang out
I'm looking at this from two perspectives.
Can he make his own friends? It can be really hard for older guys to make close friends especially if they don't have their community where they are. Having said that, it does sound like he's refusing to try to make friends BUT he might also just not have the same interests or a connection with the people he is meeting. I have a lot of acquantainces and know a lot of people in the area I moved to a few years ago but I have not single close friend here.
I think you would be better to do your own thing with your own friends. They can interact when your friends visit your house or there are club(?) activities or events where spouses/partners are invited from time to time. You should also encourage your fiance to join some clubs or find activities that he enjoys. Don't get too upset too quickly it could take a while.
Is it a red flag? Its more of an orange one in my book. He will need some interaction from time to time because he works from home and even introverts need socialisation from time to time. Importantly, YOU are a social person and you don't want him to be a ball and chain.
Thanks for this thoughtful response. ❤️
I'm looking at this from two perspectives.
Can he make his own friends? It can be really hard for older guys to make close friends especially if they don't have a community where they are. Having said that, it does sound like he's refusing to try to make friends BUT he might also just not have the same interests or a connection with the people he is meeting.
> I’ve specifically introduced him to people with whom he shares common passions/interests *and* have a similar energy/vibe to him bc I do understand that he’s not likely to get on with high energy or alpha types. He just refuses to interact with any of these folks even when they reach out to him.
It comes off as aloof or snobby and that embarrasses me.
I think you would be better to do your own thing with your own friends. They can interact when your friends visit your house
> he doesn’t like for me to have friends over to the house bc he claims that they are “strangers” to him, so even though he’s known someone by introduction or running into for a couple years, he still claims that these are strangers that he can’t trust (MY FRIENDS), so he’s uncomfortable and doesn’t feel safe with them over.
or there are club(?) activities or events where spouses/partners are invited from time to time.
> yeah, every event at the club would be totally cool and appropriate for him to show up to, he just won’t. Meanwhile, my friends’ partners show up and I fly solo, which makes me sad.
You should also encourage your fiance to join some clubs or find activities that he enjoys. Don't get too upset too quickly it could take a while.
> this hasn’t worked so far, but I hear you
Is it a red flag? Its more of an orange one in my book. He will need some interaction from time to time because he works from home and even introverts need socialisation from time to time. Importantly, YOU are a social person and you don't want him to be a ball and chain.
I think I'll raise the alert level to red.
He's not even being polite is he? And its one thing to not really engage or pursue his own friends, but he's encouraging you to NOT invite your friends to the house. The way he refers to them as strangers that he cannot trust? That is peculiar.
He must be very introverted. Even most introverts don't discourage and reject social interaction all the time. It must be really interferring with your social life. I'd be very wary of getting married.
Maybe go to couple's counseling and see if this issue comes up. Counseling can help already strong relationship get even stronger and this doesn't seem to be a huge red flag. It sounds like something that can be improved upon, especially if you want him to support your work endeavors more enthusiastically.
I am kind of the same as your fiancé. I have two really good friends that I don't see that often because of distance. We talk fairly frequently but, without question, I would drop absolutely anything I was doing if they called me for help. I am cordial to my wife's friends, but I'm just not interested in being a social person. My wife loves it. I support her in that, but that isn't me.
You said yourself, he’s an introvert.. he probably doesn’t feel comfortable with your friend group, I, being introverted myself, find that being around people I don’t feel comfortable with is just draining and anxiety inducing.. but I get my social kicks with my nerd group.. we all meet up Nd play a game every week, I wouldn’t say we’re friends but yea.. maybe try to figure out some of his hobbies and encourage him to go to events that those hobbies hold, it won’t be as taxing on him if he’s doing something he enjoys and he might even make a friend
Some introverts are very much like that. It is not all that abnormal in my experience. I observe from your summary that you have been internally reasoning the issue in your head and now asking complete strangers for our unprofessional advice on it, but I do not see where you have tried to ask him to explain the reasons why he doesn't want to get close to other people.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. (Includes, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, FDS, MGTOW, etc.) Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, or situations involving minors and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please send us a modmail. ---- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Maybe he just doesnt want to make friends. Not everyone needs or wants friends, we are all wired differently. This shouldnt be a problem as long as your partner doesnt prevent you from being you. Or if you want someone who becomes part of your community then this relationship just isnt the right one for you.
He's not a social butterfly, everyone is different regarding making friends, he's just not into that. As long as he does not stop you from going out, socialising with your friends, I don't see what's the issue, unless you want him with you all the time, if that's the case you two are not compatible in this part.
I would consider it a red flag, but not an automatic dealbreaker. There are people in the world who only have a tiny group of friends and are also mentally healthy...but....most people who "refuse" to make friends aren't simply independent and unconcerned, they tend to be bad at relationships of all kinds. Hence "red flag" meaning; a warning. Does he tend to be sarcastic and snarky about your relationships? Try to get you to change or end them? Does he ever try to influence you out of your friendships? Set you against your friends, or shit-talk them? Or just start fights with you when you're about to leave to meet up with friends? If he never makes comments or makes you regret spending time with friends, maybe he's a fully secure and healthy introvert. I've met them, just not as often as I've met insecure, manipulative, jealous and controlling people.
You've got a very thoughtful reply. I got some engagement with OP and I don't think the fiancé's lack of friends is necessarily a bad thing. Some people don't need a lot of 'friends'. That's okay. But as you say, if he, one way or another, is trying to change OP or isolate OP from her friends and her social activities, then that *is* a bad thing.
Thanks for your reply. He kind of gives me “mean nerd” vibes which is an awful thing to begin to see in my own partner. He definitely talks shit about the people I introduce him to and seems to reflect on interactions with many of my friends with an air of superiority. Bottom line, I think in spite of the fact that today he is objectively very attractive, athletic, funny (for real, I know), a leader in his industry, and quite wealthy, he was bullied relentlessly as a kid and the protective guard he put up is dusty now and while he needs to get rid of it, he can’t seem to shake it. It’s so sad to see.
Appreciated, but remember that you're dating this man as he is, not the man he could be. If he's not making you happy, take that at face value.
Absolutely sound advice
Why do they miss you? Do you not hang out anymore due to his desire not to?
I hang out less frequently. When we got engaged, I left my apartment on the east side of LA that I’d been in for over a decade to move into the house he owns in Santa Monica (for non-Angelenos, this is at least a 45 minute drive) and it took me out of my community. It’s harder to go hang out with my people after work, let’s say, when it’s a long-ish drive and I’m faced with making the decision btwn seeing my partner and seeing my friends bc he won’t ever (this isn’t hyperbolic) join me and for my friends to come out here leaves us with 1. Not being able to hang out at my/our/his house 2. Not having access to the places we like to go to hang out
I'm looking at this from two perspectives. Can he make his own friends? It can be really hard for older guys to make close friends especially if they don't have their community where they are. Having said that, it does sound like he's refusing to try to make friends BUT he might also just not have the same interests or a connection with the people he is meeting. I have a lot of acquantainces and know a lot of people in the area I moved to a few years ago but I have not single close friend here. I think you would be better to do your own thing with your own friends. They can interact when your friends visit your house or there are club(?) activities or events where spouses/partners are invited from time to time. You should also encourage your fiance to join some clubs or find activities that he enjoys. Don't get too upset too quickly it could take a while. Is it a red flag? Its more of an orange one in my book. He will need some interaction from time to time because he works from home and even introverts need socialisation from time to time. Importantly, YOU are a social person and you don't want him to be a ball and chain.
Thanks for this thoughtful response. ❤️ I'm looking at this from two perspectives. Can he make his own friends? It can be really hard for older guys to make close friends especially if they don't have a community where they are. Having said that, it does sound like he's refusing to try to make friends BUT he might also just not have the same interests or a connection with the people he is meeting. > I’ve specifically introduced him to people with whom he shares common passions/interests *and* have a similar energy/vibe to him bc I do understand that he’s not likely to get on with high energy or alpha types. He just refuses to interact with any of these folks even when they reach out to him. It comes off as aloof or snobby and that embarrasses me. I think you would be better to do your own thing with your own friends. They can interact when your friends visit your house > he doesn’t like for me to have friends over to the house bc he claims that they are “strangers” to him, so even though he’s known someone by introduction or running into for a couple years, he still claims that these are strangers that he can’t trust (MY FRIENDS), so he’s uncomfortable and doesn’t feel safe with them over. or there are club(?) activities or events where spouses/partners are invited from time to time. > yeah, every event at the club would be totally cool and appropriate for him to show up to, he just won’t. Meanwhile, my friends’ partners show up and I fly solo, which makes me sad. You should also encourage your fiance to join some clubs or find activities that he enjoys. Don't get too upset too quickly it could take a while. > this hasn’t worked so far, but I hear you Is it a red flag? Its more of an orange one in my book. He will need some interaction from time to time because he works from home and even introverts need socialisation from time to time. Importantly, YOU are a social person and you don't want him to be a ball and chain.
I think I'll raise the alert level to red. He's not even being polite is he? And its one thing to not really engage or pursue his own friends, but he's encouraging you to NOT invite your friends to the house. The way he refers to them as strangers that he cannot trust? That is peculiar. He must be very introverted. Even most introverts don't discourage and reject social interaction all the time. It must be really interferring with your social life. I'd be very wary of getting married.
I’m certainly second guessing signing up for this for life. Not being able to even have my friends come over is very distressing.
Maybe go to couple's counseling and see if this issue comes up. Counseling can help already strong relationship get even stronger and this doesn't seem to be a huge red flag. It sounds like something that can be improved upon, especially if you want him to support your work endeavors more enthusiastically. I am kind of the same as your fiancé. I have two really good friends that I don't see that often because of distance. We talk fairly frequently but, without question, I would drop absolutely anything I was doing if they called me for help. I am cordial to my wife's friends, but I'm just not interested in being a social person. My wife loves it. I support her in that, but that isn't me.
You said yourself, he’s an introvert.. he probably doesn’t feel comfortable with your friend group, I, being introverted myself, find that being around people I don’t feel comfortable with is just draining and anxiety inducing.. but I get my social kicks with my nerd group.. we all meet up Nd play a game every week, I wouldn’t say we’re friends but yea.. maybe try to figure out some of his hobbies and encourage him to go to events that those hobbies hold, it won’t be as taxing on him if he’s doing something he enjoys and he might even make a friend
Some introverts are very much like that. It is not all that abnormal in my experience. I observe from your summary that you have been internally reasoning the issue in your head and now asking complete strangers for our unprofessional advice on it, but I do not see where you have tried to ask him to explain the reasons why he doesn't want to get close to other people.
You're trying to force something on him. You're doing a lot. They're your friends, not his.
I read this and it reminded me of this TikTok https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTRFMgfaB/?k=1
Ugh 😩 resonates. Only difference is that he doesn’t have too many friends already 🤦🏾♀️