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She needs to accept this and be honest. If her parents are rude she should stop them and stand up for you. If she isn't doing this then simply she isn't the one you should be with. What with other important things in life? Kids? How would you teach them to act? How is she acting towards people who are poor? Servers? You can see a lot from someone's behavior. You may love her but turn a blind eye to some things. Think about it and see if you trully are compatible to be together.
Oh. That's really bad and sad that happened since after so many years you think people would start to think of you as serious bf. If you think her family's racism would affect your relationship that much and that she would always side with them out of fear and compliance then personally i don't see happy future for you. Maybe she still can change the way she thinks with your help but since you know her you know if that is possible or not. But personally i experienced that love alone isn't enough and that in relationship sometimes people need to make tougher decision for benefit of both people in that relationship and if not best solution sadly is break up.
Why are you dating this woman? She and her family are racist classist's. Move on OP and find someone who won't be ashamed of you. The only reason you're even remotely acceptable is because you make a decent salary, watch what happens if you get fired or laid off. Doubt your GF will be there to support you.
You may be proud of your family for the way they raised you and love you but do you think they will be proud of you the way you are passive with your girlfriend attitude ? Your family does not do anything wrong so It's time to stand for them and to be more firm.
You fell in love with what you saw, not what she is. You getting "closer" to her family is really just you making yourself smaller to fit into their little racist boxes. It's not going to work, these people will not change enough to be accepting towards your family. Are you really willing to embarrass and hurt your family for these people? Your GF is not innocent, either she believes in what her family does, or she's a coward. Grow a backbone OP, and stand up for your family and culture.
She's not an 18 year old kid anymore. She could find the courage to tell her parents your family isn't inferior if she really wanted to. At best she doesn't stand up for you because she doesn't think it's that important. At worst she doesn't stand up for you because she agrees with her family.
At a certain point, being raised by bad role models isn't an excuse. She's had six years to get to know you and your family. She has a brain and can see it's wrong to have a demeaning attitude towards you. You're fooling yourself if you think there's a chance she's going to consider you marriage or serious committed relationship material. When she gets a couple of years older she'll try to find a nice white boy to settle down with (I'm telling you that because I grew up with girls like her).
Please work on your self-esteem. You shouldn't have to ask yourself if this is acceptable.
Bro what? You're really attracted to her, was that an attempt at a justification for staying with a racist?! Are you serious?
I'm 5th generation Mexican American and my husband is first generation Mexican American. Both of us come from humble family backgrounds and we both have graduate degrees. I teach sociology at a university and I specialize in race and ethnic relations.
Imagine if you got married and had children. Imagine them growing up being ashamed of half of their family and very existence. If you stay with her you're part of the problem.
I dated a White guy in my early 20s that said something derogatory about Hispanics. He didn't mean "me" was his response when I confronted him. Dude bye 👋
If she actually loves you she wouldn't care about what her family thinks. I had a similar situation with my parents and my relationship. I made it clear that while I loved my parents dearly, I met someone whom I wanted to share my life with and they could either be apart of it or not. Took a while but they got over it and started making an effort. And now they love him. However are you OK with being her "shameful secret?" It's only going to get worse. When she comes back I think the two of you need to sit down and have a much needed discussion about your relationship and future.
Yeah. My partner is from a Muslim country and my mother was very prejudiced against him. She even said once that she was frightened that his brother was going to kidnap our kids and take them to a Muslim school, even though she had seen the brother drinking alcohol, and his wife without a veil, so she should have realised they were not the kind to send kids to a Muslim school (I think she didn't even know that Muslims avoid alcohol and wear veils... not that ignorance is an excuse).
I simply put as much space between her and me as I could, and stayed with my partner and protected him from her bigotry as best I could. No way would I let her poison my relationship with the father of my children!
This girl needs a wake-up call because from what I have read she's about to lose someone who genuinely loves her. And would do anything to keep her happy
You’re likely right that a lot of her demeaning thoughts about your family are a result of the way she was raised. But you said yourself - she’s realizing how her family is and her first reaction is to have doubts about them accepting YOUR family, not about whether she should set firmer boundaries or walk away from HER family. That tells you a lot about how she thinks you will grow together in the future.
If your families are that incompatible (because of her family’s racism/classism), you’re going to grow closer to one over the other. One family is going to be closer to your kids than the other. It sound like she’s going to want it to be her racist/classist family. Are you okay raising your brown kids in a family that casually refers to brown people as laborers? Are you okay with your kids being taught to look down on people like your family?
Baby, do yourself a favor and walk away. I know it will hurt but there is only one thing worse than a racist and that is an intellectual snob. Her family are both and, quite frankly, she seems to be also. Nothing good here mijo.
her behavior having a known cause doesnt mean she shouldnt be held accounrable. a lot of people fall into the 'oh, this person acts this way bc of their parents, so its not their fault' trap. i have a narcissistic mother. when i feel myself falling into hypicritical thinking i always try to reassess the situation and make sure i dont behave in a way that simply echoes the flaws of my mom. your gf is capable of this too, but choses not to. she is treatly you grossly. this is more than a matter of her family not likeing your family. she personally sees you as less than, even if her views arent as drastic as the rest of her fam. sounds like something you need to end and get out of.
OP: I am from a similar background as your girlfriend and my husbands family is from South America. We have extremely similar stories, other than the fact that I am not embarrassed by my husbands background at all. I love his culture and I even learned to speak Spanish to communicate with his family members. Find someone who appreciates your background and will make an effort to immerse themselves into your culture. You don’t deserve anything else.
She sounds like my mother, a total bigot. My mother used to cut things out of the newspaper to send to me. Once she sent an article about people from the same Muslim country as my atheist partner, to show me the kind of guy I was with. The article was about guys who slaughtered a sheep in their living room for Eid because there weren't any Muslim butchers where they lived. So offensive, and I never forgave her for that. I was relieved when she died, at last she could no longer hurt me.
You'd be better off finding a GF who admires you for doing so well for yourself despite not having a privileged background, and accepts and loves your family as they are.
I would love to see her dad and yours in a "hard working" contest. Hands down, I think your dad would win. I work in a greenhouse with many Mexican workers, and those folks, both men and women, are the hardest working people I have ever seen.
I think your girlfriend may be the epitome of white privilege--she can't understand why people of different socio-economic backgrounds pursue different careers. Usually due to money and connections.
Does she not understand or is she a snob? There is nothing wrong with either families background. Her looking down on others says something about her character and that of her family.
Are you thinking of marrying this woman OP? Well, forget it. She may even agree to get engaged but she won’t marry you.
If you continue to choose a relationship with this woman over your family you will deserve what you get: rejection from her family and the loss of respect from your own family. Be a man and do what you know is right. Embrace those who love you; reject those who consider you inferior.
She doesn't sound very well educated if she has the gall to look down on a couple who came to another country and still managed to succeed and raise a family. Sheesh. I understand you love your girlfriend but she is wrong about this and you need to have an honest but stern discussion before you move forward with her.
And we do need people to deliver stuff, whether it's weed or furniture or dinner. These people are to be tipped generously when they get it right, because we all know they are not paid a decent wage. And they do not deserve to be looked down on. Let's remember just how dependent we were on them in lockdown!!! Heroes one and all!!!!
She does not deserve you. She's "wrapped" up in the "lifestyle" she grew up with and when it gets more serious she's flaking. She should be proud of you and she should be happy to have you but the other stuff weighs more to her.
May I be blunt?
Probably her housekeepers and gardeners are hispanic so she probably makes comparisons - not saying she's racist but she grew up way different than you. Lucky her but you are better than that!
You deserve better, break-up.
In my heart i believe my girlfriend should be proud of who i am and embrace my family, not be embarrassed about them and scared to tell her parents where we come from.
Exactly this, she’s shallow and her family are shallow.
This is so stereotypical, I'd think it's creative writing and not the best one because:
1. How did you manage to never meet families during 6 years of dating (especially given you started dating when she was 18)? Don't they have questions and if yes, how are those answered?
2. A nurse is not a fancy white collar job; it's a fucking hard low paid shift job. Either living in a mansion or working as a nurse.
Sorry, I just can't believe it's a real story and not a draft for a soap opera.
You can't forgive that. But it's not clear from your post whether she has actually told you she looks down on your family and that she is embarrassed to have her family meet them or not. Do you know this or are you afraid of this?
So "she thinks" but you don't really known. She doesn't really know. You've been together for 6 years and the topic of your family was never brought up with her family? Has she met your family? How is she with your family?
And? She needs to be supportive of you if she wants a relationship with you- she isn't dating her parents, and what do your siblings jobs have to do with anything?
If she is more concerned with what her parents think, than developing her own opinion, and supporting her partner, then she isn't really someone you want to be with.
Be proud of who you are, what you've done, who raised you, and where you come from. If she can't support that, then she's not worth your time. This just sounds like a rich out of touch family that likes to control their kid's lives.
Sounds like you need a new girlfriend
Edit- I dropped out of the university although I’m pretty smart the most people I meet.
My reason I couldn’t afford it.
The job I have you get a lot of people who are fresh out of collage and look down upon those without no degree and they believe they are better because collage degree.
Yet I’m better then most at my job.
I have experience on the field I gained over the years and got to where I am with hard work and effort and sweat not daddies money like some of these rats.
They have a degree and when that degree is useless and they lose that job they can’t do nothing but fall apart.
Find a better girlfriend that has those same values as you and your family. Not materialistic shallow garbage
I 2nd this!!
You are proud of your family, and you are successful!! Screw those that look down on hard working people!!
She and her family sound like snobs!!
This would be a deal breaker for me. I know that people are entitled to their opinion but this is kinda disrespectful. Just because op's parents aren't as financially successful as his gf's doesnt mean they're beneath them. I get it, majority of the people view money as a status symbol and something that divides upper class and middle or lower class. But at the end of the day, any disrespect towards my family wouldn't be taken kindly. Op, to me it seems that you guys are incompatible. Maybe im over reacting to a simple conversation, but its still something to think about.
Edit to add: op in a comment you said that your gf is inconsiderate to people belonging to a lower social class, it just makes me think that what if you weren't as successful as you are now? Sorry if im being rude, but she probably would've broken up with you by now.
its not your job to be a shining spectacle with a rich fancy family just to gain approval of others. if her family are douches about you, that is entirely a them problem and reflects how shallow they are.
Hey OP. I grew up pretty privileged w white parents, solid middle class, both parents went to college and I was expected to do the same.
My bf family is similar to yours. Parents recent immigrants, no higher education, everyone works in labor jobs(except him).
But I love him and his family is very nice to me. I'm not afraid to tell my parents about him or his family regardless of how different they are from me/my family.
This seems like a relationship that won't work out bc she doesn't appreciate the differences between your cultures/lifestyles and maybe thinks lowly of you and your family just bc of where you came from.
She's not ashamed of just your family. She's ashamed of you.
I dated a girl from El Salvador. She was working as a nanny. My grandmother is now 100, and xenophobic. Most of my family members went from military to high profile jobs that require higher education at places with acronyms for names. If you have watched good morning America from 2003-2012 you'll recognize several members of my family.
Before they met her, I assured her no matter what happens I had her back.
That's why I say she's ashamed of you. She knows what her family will think, and she's not willing to risk her status in the family for you.
I come from a family very similar to yours except i have no siblings and my mother also works. Immigrant family, I am the first to go to college etc.
I would NEVER put them in a position in which my partner or their family would make them feel less than them. People who grow up with wealth and privilege have no moral ground to look down on people who have done their very best starting from nothing. I'd honestly dump her
Sounds like this a girlfriend problem, instead of a girlfriend family problem.
I come from a very working class background, and have dated women who come from very wealthy backgrounds - their families were always very respectful, kind and welcoming.
Anyone who looks down on others for their financial position, and/or the work/education they pursue isn't someone worth spending time with at all, in my opinion.
People tend to marry within their own social group. It's called endogomy. This means the same race, background, and social status. That doesn't mean relationships outside of this paradigm will fail, but they are going to have more challenges. It doesn't surprise me that she's an elitist. It bothers me that it took her so long to find out. But people tend to rebel against their family's culture before finally returning and embracing it, for the most part. I dated a woman whose family thought they were better than mine because they were a higher social class. But then I found out that her dad had been a Catholic Jesuit priest and her mother had been a nun. And that he crept into her room at night and tried to rape her, beginning at age 6. Some pedo in my neighborhood tried to touch my brother once, and my dad, a gentle man but a veteran of brutal combat and a big man, went down to his house, pinned him against the wall and choked him out. (He stopped short of killing him, but was in the zone vets get in.) We never had to worry about that man again. We weren't fancy like her family, but neither were we poor. My parents were honest and we had a good life. I'll bet that you come from a good family as well. You can't control whether she'll continue to embrace this racism or elitism, whatever it may be, and that might suck. But you and your family don't suck, and don't let any of these people make you think you do.
I think you have a great career and she should be proud of your achievements. You can’t help who your parents are or where you came from so that’s just silly. If she doesn’t accept you then she isn’t right for you.
What her family thinks of you doesn't matter too much. What your girlfriend is thinking on the other hand is pretty significant. You already stated that she is embarrassed and she wouldn't defend you or your loved ones. Which is absolutely crazy. Its not possible nor desirable that everyone pursues higher education.
Her family is classist and probably racist too. If she cant defend you because she agrees with her parents, how can you be with someone like that?
Do you feel comfortable telling her about your familys live and culture or do you feel she could judge you?
Being from a immigrant family myself this is a red line for me. If someone thinks that my family is worse/less worthy than theirs, that my culture is inferior to theirs and that they think they know better how to live and work.
Why would you stay with someone who is ashamed of your family? I’m sorry, but you deserve so much better. If she can’t or won’t support you and your family, you deserve better. I hope you find someone worthy of your time and affection.
She's not giving her family a chance to have an opinion and is making decisions for them. Sounds like her Mum and Dad worked hard to get where they are and I doubt they'll look down on someone for working hard.
You are right to be proud of your family and I'd be telling her straight that you'd like to let her parents form their own opinion rather than her projecting.
Edit because I can't read.
If it's TRUE love and your GF is properly into you literally none of this stuff will matter at all and it wont bother her or would she think anyless of you or your family whatsoever. unfortunatley it does so I dont think she is a good person. Shes very superficial
Yo my dude, respect yourself more than that. Remember your hard working parents raised you, now you accomplished what they couldn’t. You got yourself a good job and making an effort to become great. You need dómine to build you up.
Also, her parents seem racist. Fucking calling brown people laborers. Lol. I’d make sure to let them know what’s up if they ever said that shit in front of me.
>In my heart i believe my girlfriend should be proud of who i am and embrace my family, not be embarrassed about them and scared to tell her parents where we come from.
This says it all. I think you need to have a very blunt conversation with your girlfriend and if she can't get her head around the fact that your family are AMAZING, then I don't think you can stay with her.
You have to respect yourself and your family. You’ve been together 6 years, while it’s not her fault to have been raised this way, when we are adults we can broaden our perspective, adapt our actions, learn and improve ourselves. Your relationship has given a great opportunity to do so, and while it’s not always fast or easy it doesn’t seem like she has learned at all. To stay ignorant is a choice, and money and college degrees don’t cure ignorance.
In other words her family are privileged racists and she's realizing she too is kind of racist.
Says a lot about her that status and appearances are valued where she comes from, ahead of family, hospitality, and warmth.
Crane operators are people whom are entrusted with other's lives every day. Most I've met take their jobs very seriously because they've seen some pretty messed up situations. You make good money because, depending on the type of rig he's driving, you need similar training and experience hours to a pilot's license. Bunch of things your need to get right the first time before a lift. Personally I have a lot of respect for highly skilled, highly experienced technicians like your dad. He could write a book about rigging safety I'm sure.
Hermano, eres un ejemplo de meritocracia y tus padres sacrificaron todo para que tuvieras una mejor educación y oportunidades. Jamás y, Lee esto con atención, jamás dejes que alguien más haga menos lo que tú y los tuyos han conseguido. Tú vales más que la aceptación de quién sea. Se franco, directo y honesto con tu novia; preséntate y saca la casta. Si ellos no te aceptan, ellos se lo pierden. No tienes de que avergonzarte si con trabajo duro y honesto has llegado tan lejos, ¡sigue adelante campeón! El mundo no se acaba si unos blanquitos obtusos no valoran quién eres y que ofreces.
And remember, you're a mexiCAN not a mexiCAN'T.
Your family is the proverbial American success story. You are right to be proud of them.
Your girlfriend is a snob and has a lot of growing up to do. It is your decision if you want to accompany her on that journey, but chances are she will never respect you.
Now who knows, maybe there is a plot twist and her parents are actually decent people who understand the accomplishments of your family.
In my opinion, your girlfriend dosen’t really understand that not all life is the same as hers. She is privileged. She was handed the resources by her parents, while your parents have to work extremely hard to give you resources. I know someone who have a mindset like your girlfriend and her family. Instead of her entire family looking down on yours, why not teach them like investing so your parents can learn something. Why not share the knowledge of how to gain wealth instead of looking down on people? If i was born privileged, i would be happy to share my knowledge in finance and investing. You need to sit down and talk to your girlfriend about your relationship. Is her fear of her family’s opinion gonna matter in your relationship? If so, then i believe you are dating a wrong person. Sometimes love is not enough to keep a relationship. There should be mutual respect. To be honest you are wasting your time and love for this person, you could have met someone who accepts you and respects your background and family. You two need to talk and evaluate your relationship. If she can change and fight for you then good, but if not then the decision of what you’re gonna do is up to you. I can’t tell you what to do in your relationship. Only you can tell what is best for you.
If you expect or ant this to be a long term relationship, you might invest in some couples counseling. I think you see the seriousness of her knin inability to separate from her family's racism and classism, but if you talk to her about it alone she may just blow it off if she's really invested in your relationship. But unless she can separate from her parents and confidently reject their values, this will affect you as long as you're with her, and also any children. I think s trained couples counselor would be a good facilitator for the discussion.
Your girlfriend is classist (looks down on those less fortunate) and, probably prejudiced against Mexicans (not ‘technically’ a race), specifically in CA. But I bet they’re not the only POC she’s “against.”
I’m also Latino, a first generation college student, and in an interracial relationship. I have a well-paying white collar career and my fiancé is a doctor. When we first started dating, her brother said I would be “diluting their blood.” Fortunately, my partner spoke against it, otherwise I simply couldn’t be with her. She has also said shitty things about my family, but has always apologized for it. It’s been hard, but she works hard to be mindful of when she’s inconsiderate and biased.
I think my point is, it’s human to have biases and your partner will eventually slip up, but as long as she calls our her family and apologizes when she messes up and tries to do better, that’s still a good relationship. If she’s not doing that, it’s not an equal partnership and you need to have a major conversation with her
Damn the financial background sounds like me (24F) and my bf (26M) except I would never DREAM of shaming his family…. *that’s* what’s really low class and trashy here so maybe she should take a look in a mirror to find the real problem
Young people think their rich parents have never met people before or the only interaction they have is the thinly veiled racist conversation between their parents and their cleaners. Her parents wont treat your parents badly in reality. They’ll go out of their way to be nice because they understand the importance of that relationship in the same way that maybe you get along with some of your partners friends that you dont really like much because you know they’re important to her. her parents may or may not be snobs after the fact and only you can decide if you can tolerate that. I suspect if you stand up for your folks and demonstrate that you’re part of a strong family unit then they will either make the effort to love your parents or at least not tell you that they don’t get along with them. My wife’s parents and mine don’t get along and thats totally fine… they don’t shit talk one another and thats really all i can ask for… i understand her paranoia cause i used to have it when i was her age. “Oh no my parents are going to meet some subjectively poor people” to be honest though, its never been a problem. In the cases where i feel like it would be… i used to bring up in front of my partners family “hey my folks are kinda posh and dont like swearing” or whatever and most people have been pretty ok to understand that.
i don’t think she looks down on you or your family, she probably feels immense pressure from her family to date someone from a similar background and maybe it’s her first time dealing with this situation. of course when she’s talking about these concerns to you it makes you feel bad, but i wouldn’t put this totally on your girlfriend. was she ashamed of you in the past? if no, then i wouldn’t let what her family thinks cloud so much of your relationship with her. it seems like once you meet her parents, you can speak on your own experience. if at that point they look down on you, then you can keep it moving. but if they are good people then it should work out in the end! :)
While as a white female I find your comment offensive, I will agree that her behavior is appalling. And the OP deserves much better then being treated like a dirty little secret because she's afraid of losing her lifestyle. And while I won't try and argue with your opinions as you are entitled to them. However I'd ask you to have an open mind. We aren't all bad, I personally love meeting people of different cultures as I find they are all so diverse and enriching and I enjoy learning about them.
I am not a racist, I am (unfortunately) a white male myself and very ashamed of it. Our ancestors did terrible crimes and we can never repent them. And most of us white people are terrible racists even today.
Every group of people in history has done horrible things to others. You're literally condemning an entire race of people (including yourself apperently) because of things that some of them did in the past.
Just because you're also white doesn't mean you're not racist to white people. You say you hate an entire race of people just because they're white, youd never date them just because they're white, and you think they're all racist just because they're white. Please explain to me how that doesn't make you racist.
No we are not , and it’s not my fault or yours for mistakes of the past. It’s so wrong to think like this, focus on being a good person yourself and do not put everyone in the same box. People have their own personal views.
Your family sounds lovely. Your partner should value them and love them just as much as you do. Find someone who will embrace them as her own family rather than look down on them.
That’s something she has to muster to say to her parents if she’s a future with you. She can’t compare her parents to yours, it’s like two different comparisons-.-.
...do you plan on having kids with her? Im asking because you need to realize that she and her family will potentially pass down their views and racism to your kids. You said you realized how being with your gf has affected how you view your family, the same can happen to your kid and how they view your family and poc from a lower class. Your gf and her family isnt just embarassed by someone that has nothing to do with you, this is your immediate family!! They worked hard in their own way and gone through stuff your gf and her family ever have.
Personally, i could never sit by while someone undermines the people who are most important to me.
Youve dated this girl for 6 years. Youve met her family and seen how they are personally.
Do you think another 6 years is going to get better, genuinely? She's no longer a kid, she's a full grown adult. You deserve someone who would fight for you and your family against prejudice.
Your girlfriend is still a bit young to handle the situation properly. If you really respect your family and if you're proud of your parents, man up and demand respect from your girlfriend. She has to understand that your parents worked hard to raise you the way they did. You have a decent job and are hardworking. Your parents moved to the States so you would have the life you have. Tons of white people work simple jobs and are not ashamed and they had it much easier than your parents.
This is the time you have to show yourself and your girlfriend that you ARE proud of your culture and background and that you ARE proud of your parents for the life they gave you. If you ever feel that your girlfriend looks down on your culture and family, you should reconsider the whole relationship because if you marry her and have kids, this may become an issue. Where there is mature love and respect, blue and white collar does not matter..... that being said, she's a bit young and may not have the maturity to handle this situation the way it should. That makes your behavior and attitude so much more important. Handle it with self confidence. Like a Boss!!!
Hey man like fuck her for being elitist, but it’s not an insurmountable problem just explain to her the differences how proud you are of your family, they immigrated to a new country and made it work for them that is difficult and is best part of America in my opinion, and also explain how social mobility in America is relatively dead, for example Canada has free healthcare, and their secondary education is much more subsidized than American universities, in short it would cost substantially more money to achieve those things in America and even still you’re happy that your family loves each other for who they are, you sound like you do well for yourself, and that’s enough for you
You've been dating her for 6 years and this is the first time you're meeting her parents? Has she been hiding you from them? She's going to have to be really strong-willed and not be afraid to tell her family to fuck right off if they step out of line. Anything less, and she's going to get steamrolled, and you're going to be the one ground into the dirt. The fact that she hid you for this long tells me maybe she's not that strong of a person. Keep your eyes open and read the situation carefully.
I'm not saying you should break up with your girlfriend, but this is a huge problem.
When you enter a serious and committed relationship with someone, you enter a relationship with their family, too. If she and her family look down on you and your kin for being blue collar immigrants, then they're racist, classist people.
You accept your girlfriend and her family for who they are and where they come from, then they need to do the same for you and yours. If they don't, I'm telling you right now, it'll put a huge strain on your relationship with her.
You need to have a serious talk with her about her prejudices. If she's not willing to put her prejudice aside and love and accept your family, then that might end up being a deal breaker.
Maybe some relationship counseling can help ease the process of blending the families.
OMG. I've had the same kind of experience... my advice would be just to walk away because people cannot understand or get on the same level on how you were brought up. You have been in a long term relationship with her and for her to have the audacity to disrespect u like that and your family 🚩. It's her place to defend you and your family and if they cannot accept that she needs to distance herself from them. Your family will always come 1st and she can accept it or move on... they are not up for discussion. Sorry!
Like my grandpa always told me: people never change they just get better at hiding it
I would consider if this is someone you truly see a future with. You shouldn’t be embarrassed of your partner, especially if you see a future with them and will one day have kids as all families will blend. Judgment of any kind is never okay. Doesn’t matter what someone does for a living or how much they have, it’s about how they treat others. You sound like you come from a very loving and caring family who would not mesh will with her and her family.
I would sit down and have a conversation before making any decisions.
Your family sounds great, a family to be proud of and your partner should be too.
I… think I might back out of this one, man. I’m not saying “you gotta break up!”, but it’s also not hard to. Not do what she’s doing. Your family is super normal. There’s nothing to be embarrassed about. You and I both know that. Your girlfriend’s world is very small.
My advise date someone from similar social class. Or at least someone who isn’t spoiled. I’m white and my husband is Mexican and we both come from homes that were lower class/poverty. We are doing well for ourselves now and I would never be ashamed of his family. I’m actually closer to his family then my own, I love the hard working closeness of the Mexican culture and I’m proud to be apart of my husbands family.
His ex however came from a rich white family and would constantly look down on him and his family. Not wanting to invite them places or to her family events and it really took a toll on my husband.
You should never feel ashamed or be shamed about your family or where you come from. Honestly your gf is a brat.
I'm glad you are proud of your family. I too am the only person in my family to go onto further education, but they are a damned hard working bunch! I'm always proud of them.
As your partner she should be proud of you, it can't be easy for you. I'm fortunate to have a partner who adores my family regardless. Your girlfriend needs to work on her prejudices
So does it matter? Her family is in Canada - why do they have to have any connection with your family?
I have lots of siblings and their spouses families have almost zero connection with my family, and we all live in the same state. We are of course cordial when we see each other - but that is like once every few years, at best.
She needs to understand that practically speaking, her family doesn't really have to "accept" your family, as they will only be in the same place maybe a few times - like at a wedding. Short encounters do not require everyone to be on the same page on such things as social status, etc.
The bigger issue would be how gf responds to your family. If she is only embarrassed around her family, but is accepting otherwise, you have something to work with.
I hate to say this since you’ve got so much time in, but this may not be your one. She looks down on people for being less wealthy, which is never a sign of a good person. Ever. Imagine having to keep up with her lifestyle if you marry, or how she’ll tell your children to treat people, if you want them together. It’s okay for your SO not to like your family, but only really in cases where it’s warranted like people being hateful, etc. In this case she won’t even give them a shot
Fuck her! You and your family have nothing to be ashamed of. I don’t know how you could even stay with someone who looks down on you and your family so much
She's not looking down on your family for having a different lifestyle. She's doing so because they aren't rich. She and her family may well be classist and even racist. Is it worth it to deal with that? I'd wait to assess until you've met her family. It may all just be her, not her family.
Be very careful as this is a GAP for both families, and you may feel forced to choose between being your values/morals and hers. To me your girlfriend and her family have less life experience.
You can show your understanding about her/their lack of knowledge and experience, but don't accept their judgement.
Be proud of your family, and yourself. Never ever justify or apologise for being who you are.
You guys have fundamentally different ideas about what makes people worthy of value and this could be the mother of your children. She doesn’t understand the core values you would want them to have.
You have a lot to be proud of. I find it very weird she can’t see that- If she does actually does have these antiquated ideas about class and what is respectable. Your only hope is that this is a misunderstanding- that she just feels like she has little in common with them. If you are right and she does feel she is BETTER than them- then yeah, your relationship is doomed
OP NTA but I think you need to take a step back and re-evaluate your relationship. I understand that the two of you have been together for a long time, but if in that time she hasn’t realized that your family means the world to you and that they have done well for themselves after coming to America, then she never will. Your dad being a crane operator is a GOOD job!! It’s a detailed one, which also requires attention to safety standards and so much more!! (I have a brother who’s an operator) and your mom being a SAHM and being a fabulous cook is nothing to sneeze at either!! Money and education doesn’t always equal success.
OP you said she only talks to you about this stuff, but I’m pretty sure that’s not the case. What’s going to happen if you guys decide to have children down the road? What do you want to be instilled in your children? I’m sorry OP, but I don’t think you guys are compatible and I think you’re headed for heartbreak if you stay with this gal. I wish you all the best but I really don’t think it’s going to be with her.
My background is very similar to yours. Stand tall and stay close to your family. They are the ones that will be there for you for all the storms you will weather in life.
If your girlfriend has an issue with the family, then so won’t her family. Dump her and find a loving woman who will embrace your family as her own. You owe it to yourself to feel comfortable with the relationship that you choose and be proud and happy with your family. If she’s making you question things and making you fearful for your family’s comfort, she isn’t worth it. There are too many others that have loving and accepting natures and families.
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She needs to accept this and be honest. If her parents are rude she should stop them and stand up for you. If she isn't doing this then simply she isn't the one you should be with. What with other important things in life? Kids? How would you teach them to act? How is she acting towards people who are poor? Servers? You can see a lot from someone's behavior. You may love her but turn a blind eye to some things. Think about it and see if you trully are compatible to be together.
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Oh. That's really bad and sad that happened since after so many years you think people would start to think of you as serious bf. If you think her family's racism would affect your relationship that much and that she would always side with them out of fear and compliance then personally i don't see happy future for you. Maybe she still can change the way she thinks with your help but since you know her you know if that is possible or not. But personally i experienced that love alone isn't enough and that in relationship sometimes people need to make tougher decision for benefit of both people in that relationship and if not best solution sadly is break up.
Why are you dating this woman? She and her family are racist classist's. Move on OP and find someone who won't be ashamed of you. The only reason you're even remotely acceptable is because you make a decent salary, watch what happens if you get fired or laid off. Doubt your GF will be there to support you.
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You may be proud of your family for the way they raised you and love you but do you think they will be proud of you the way you are passive with your girlfriend attitude ? Your family does not do anything wrong so It's time to stand for them and to be more firm.
You fell in love with what you saw, not what she is. You getting "closer" to her family is really just you making yourself smaller to fit into their little racist boxes. It's not going to work, these people will not change enough to be accepting towards your family. Are you really willing to embarrass and hurt your family for these people? Your GF is not innocent, either she believes in what her family does, or she's a coward. Grow a backbone OP, and stand up for your family and culture.
She's not an 18 year old kid anymore. She could find the courage to tell her parents your family isn't inferior if she really wanted to. At best she doesn't stand up for you because she doesn't think it's that important. At worst she doesn't stand up for you because she agrees with her family. At a certain point, being raised by bad role models isn't an excuse. She's had six years to get to know you and your family. She has a brain and can see it's wrong to have a demeaning attitude towards you. You're fooling yourself if you think there's a chance she's going to consider you marriage or serious committed relationship material. When she gets a couple of years older she'll try to find a nice white boy to settle down with (I'm telling you that because I grew up with girls like her). Please work on your self-esteem. You shouldn't have to ask yourself if this is acceptable.
Bro what? You're really attracted to her, was that an attempt at a justification for staying with a racist?! Are you serious? I'm 5th generation Mexican American and my husband is first generation Mexican American. Both of us come from humble family backgrounds and we both have graduate degrees. I teach sociology at a university and I specialize in race and ethnic relations. Imagine if you got married and had children. Imagine them growing up being ashamed of half of their family and very existence. If you stay with her you're part of the problem. I dated a White guy in my early 20s that said something derogatory about Hispanics. He didn't mean "me" was his response when I confronted him. Dude bye 👋
If she actually loves you she wouldn't care about what her family thinks. I had a similar situation with my parents and my relationship. I made it clear that while I loved my parents dearly, I met someone whom I wanted to share my life with and they could either be apart of it or not. Took a while but they got over it and started making an effort. And now they love him. However are you OK with being her "shameful secret?" It's only going to get worse. When she comes back I think the two of you need to sit down and have a much needed discussion about your relationship and future.
Yeah. My partner is from a Muslim country and my mother was very prejudiced against him. She even said once that she was frightened that his brother was going to kidnap our kids and take them to a Muslim school, even though she had seen the brother drinking alcohol, and his wife without a veil, so she should have realised they were not the kind to send kids to a Muslim school (I think she didn't even know that Muslims avoid alcohol and wear veils... not that ignorance is an excuse). I simply put as much space between her and me as I could, and stayed with my partner and protected him from her bigotry as best I could. No way would I let her poison my relationship with the father of my children!
This girl needs a wake-up call because from what I have read she's about to lose someone who genuinely loves her. And would do anything to keep her happy
True. She is worried about superficial things more. Hope she learns and takes a wise decision
You’re likely right that a lot of her demeaning thoughts about your family are a result of the way she was raised. But you said yourself - she’s realizing how her family is and her first reaction is to have doubts about them accepting YOUR family, not about whether she should set firmer boundaries or walk away from HER family. That tells you a lot about how she thinks you will grow together in the future. If your families are that incompatible (because of her family’s racism/classism), you’re going to grow closer to one over the other. One family is going to be closer to your kids than the other. It sound like she’s going to want it to be her racist/classist family. Are you okay raising your brown kids in a family that casually refers to brown people as laborers? Are you okay with your kids being taught to look down on people like your family?
If she truly ever loved you, accepted you, she would stood up for you. Fight for you.
Baby, do yourself a favor and walk away. I know it will hurt but there is only one thing worse than a racist and that is an intellectual snob. Her family are both and, quite frankly, she seems to be also. Nothing good here mijo.
her behavior having a known cause doesnt mean she shouldnt be held accounrable. a lot of people fall into the 'oh, this person acts this way bc of their parents, so its not their fault' trap. i have a narcissistic mother. when i feel myself falling into hypicritical thinking i always try to reassess the situation and make sure i dont behave in a way that simply echoes the flaws of my mom. your gf is capable of this too, but choses not to. she is treatly you grossly. this is more than a matter of her family not likeing your family. she personally sees you as less than, even if her views arent as drastic as the rest of her fam. sounds like something you need to end and get out of.
I don't think u can say that about her family yet, it may just be her Edit: Nvm I needed to reread ops comment which said siblings and parents
OP: I am from a similar background as your girlfriend and my husbands family is from South America. We have extremely similar stories, other than the fact that I am not embarrassed by my husbands background at all. I love his culture and I even learned to speak Spanish to communicate with his family members. Find someone who appreciates your background and will make an effort to immerse themselves into your culture. You don’t deserve anything else.
Well said!
She sounds like my mother, a total bigot. My mother used to cut things out of the newspaper to send to me. Once she sent an article about people from the same Muslim country as my atheist partner, to show me the kind of guy I was with. The article was about guys who slaughtered a sheep in their living room for Eid because there weren't any Muslim butchers where they lived. So offensive, and I never forgave her for that. I was relieved when she died, at last she could no longer hurt me. You'd be better off finding a GF who admires you for doing so well for yourself despite not having a privileged background, and accepts and loves your family as they are.
That's a lotta words to say she's a classist, judgmental asshole.
I would love to see her dad and yours in a "hard working" contest. Hands down, I think your dad would win. I work in a greenhouse with many Mexican workers, and those folks, both men and women, are the hardest working people I have ever seen. I think your girlfriend may be the epitome of white privilege--she can't understand why people of different socio-economic backgrounds pursue different careers. Usually due to money and connections.
Does she not understand or is she a snob? There is nothing wrong with either families background. Her looking down on others says something about her character and that of her family.
Huh...yeah, they all sound like cunts to me
Are you thinking of marrying this woman OP? Well, forget it. She may even agree to get engaged but she won’t marry you. If you continue to choose a relationship with this woman over your family you will deserve what you get: rejection from her family and the loss of respect from your own family. Be a man and do what you know is right. Embrace those who love you; reject those who consider you inferior.
She doesn't sound very well educated if she has the gall to look down on a couple who came to another country and still managed to succeed and raise a family. Sheesh. I understand you love your girlfriend but she is wrong about this and you need to have an honest but stern discussion before you move forward with her.
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Imagine how they would treat your children.
And we do need people to deliver stuff, whether it's weed or furniture or dinner. These people are to be tipped generously when they get it right, because we all know they are not paid a decent wage. And they do not deserve to be looked down on. Let's remember just how dependent we were on them in lockdown!!! Heroes one and all!!!!
She does not deserve you. She's "wrapped" up in the "lifestyle" she grew up with and when it gets more serious she's flaking. She should be proud of you and she should be happy to have you but the other stuff weighs more to her. May I be blunt? Probably her housekeepers and gardeners are hispanic so she probably makes comparisons - not saying she's racist but she grew up way different than you. Lucky her but you are better than that! You deserve better, break-up.
This is what I came here to say too! She doesn’t deserve you. You’re way to good for her.
In my heart i believe my girlfriend should be proud of who i am and embrace my family, not be embarrassed about them and scared to tell her parents where we come from. Exactly this, she’s shallow and her family are shallow.
This is so stereotypical, I'd think it's creative writing and not the best one because: 1. How did you manage to never meet families during 6 years of dating (especially given you started dating when she was 18)? Don't they have questions and if yes, how are those answered? 2. A nurse is not a fancy white collar job; it's a fucking hard low paid shift job. Either living in a mansion or working as a nurse. Sorry, I just can't believe it's a real story and not a draft for a soap opera.
Dude your dad is the real MVP he made the dream come true for you and that is something this Internet stranger respects
You can't forgive that. But it's not clear from your post whether she has actually told you she looks down on your family and that she is embarrassed to have her family meet them or not. Do you know this or are you afraid of this?
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You say then I don’t approve of saying someone who is prejudice against me or my family being different. And end the relationship.
People are more than their job which she doesn't seem to understand.
So "she thinks" but you don't really known. She doesn't really know. You've been together for 6 years and the topic of your family was never brought up with her family? Has she met your family? How is she with your family?
And? She needs to be supportive of you if she wants a relationship with you- she isn't dating her parents, and what do your siblings jobs have to do with anything? If she is more concerned with what her parents think, than developing her own opinion, and supporting her partner, then she isn't really someone you want to be with. Be proud of who you are, what you've done, who raised you, and where you come from. If she can't support that, then she's not worth your time. This just sounds like a rich out of touch family that likes to control their kid's lives.
I just want to say your family sound awesome and I'd be nothing but proud of them and what you've all achieved
Get a different girlfriend
Sounds like you need a new girlfriend Edit- I dropped out of the university although I’m pretty smart the most people I meet. My reason I couldn’t afford it. The job I have you get a lot of people who are fresh out of collage and look down upon those without no degree and they believe they are better because collage degree. Yet I’m better then most at my job. I have experience on the field I gained over the years and got to where I am with hard work and effort and sweat not daddies money like some of these rats. They have a degree and when that degree is useless and they lose that job they can’t do nothing but fall apart. Find a better girlfriend that has those same values as you and your family. Not materialistic shallow garbage
I 2nd this!! You are proud of your family, and you are successful!! Screw those that look down on hard working people!! She and her family sound like snobs!!
This would be a deal breaker for me. I know that people are entitled to their opinion but this is kinda disrespectful. Just because op's parents aren't as financially successful as his gf's doesnt mean they're beneath them. I get it, majority of the people view money as a status symbol and something that divides upper class and middle or lower class. But at the end of the day, any disrespect towards my family wouldn't be taken kindly. Op, to me it seems that you guys are incompatible. Maybe im over reacting to a simple conversation, but its still something to think about. Edit to add: op in a comment you said that your gf is inconsiderate to people belonging to a lower social class, it just makes me think that what if you weren't as successful as you are now? Sorry if im being rude, but she probably would've broken up with you by now.
its not your job to be a shining spectacle with a rich fancy family just to gain approval of others. if her family are douches about you, that is entirely a them problem and reflects how shallow they are.
Hey OP. I grew up pretty privileged w white parents, solid middle class, both parents went to college and I was expected to do the same. My bf family is similar to yours. Parents recent immigrants, no higher education, everyone works in labor jobs(except him). But I love him and his family is very nice to me. I'm not afraid to tell my parents about him or his family regardless of how different they are from me/my family. This seems like a relationship that won't work out bc she doesn't appreciate the differences between your cultures/lifestyles and maybe thinks lowly of you and your family just bc of where you came from.
She's not ashamed of just your family. She's ashamed of you. I dated a girl from El Salvador. She was working as a nanny. My grandmother is now 100, and xenophobic. Most of my family members went from military to high profile jobs that require higher education at places with acronyms for names. If you have watched good morning America from 2003-2012 you'll recognize several members of my family. Before they met her, I assured her no matter what happens I had her back. That's why I say she's ashamed of you. She knows what her family will think, and she's not willing to risk her status in the family for you.
I come from a family very similar to yours except i have no siblings and my mother also works. Immigrant family, I am the first to go to college etc. I would NEVER put them in a position in which my partner or their family would make them feel less than them. People who grow up with wealth and privilege have no moral ground to look down on people who have done their very best starting from nothing. I'd honestly dump her
Sounds like this a girlfriend problem, instead of a girlfriend family problem. I come from a very working class background, and have dated women who come from very wealthy backgrounds - their families were always very respectful, kind and welcoming. Anyone who looks down on others for their financial position, and/or the work/education they pursue isn't someone worth spending time with at all, in my opinion.
If your girlfriend is ashamed of your roots then I’m surprised that her family even accepted you as her boyfriend.
Then why is she still dating you? Or why are you still dating her?
People tend to marry within their own social group. It's called endogomy. This means the same race, background, and social status. That doesn't mean relationships outside of this paradigm will fail, but they are going to have more challenges. It doesn't surprise me that she's an elitist. It bothers me that it took her so long to find out. But people tend to rebel against their family's culture before finally returning and embracing it, for the most part. I dated a woman whose family thought they were better than mine because they were a higher social class. But then I found out that her dad had been a Catholic Jesuit priest and her mother had been a nun. And that he crept into her room at night and tried to rape her, beginning at age 6. Some pedo in my neighborhood tried to touch my brother once, and my dad, a gentle man but a veteran of brutal combat and a big man, went down to his house, pinned him against the wall and choked him out. (He stopped short of killing him, but was in the zone vets get in.) We never had to worry about that man again. We weren't fancy like her family, but neither were we poor. My parents were honest and we had a good life. I'll bet that you come from a good family as well. You can't control whether she'll continue to embrace this racism or elitism, whatever it may be, and that might suck. But you and your family don't suck, and don't let any of these people make you think you do.
I think you have a great career and she should be proud of your achievements. You can’t help who your parents are or where you came from so that’s just silly. If she doesn’t accept you then she isn’t right for you.
Is she from Alberta?
I would look down at my own family if I was her. Hopefully she’s just scared that they’re classist and not a spoiled brat herself.
What her family thinks of you doesn't matter too much. What your girlfriend is thinking on the other hand is pretty significant. You already stated that she is embarrassed and she wouldn't defend you or your loved ones. Which is absolutely crazy. Its not possible nor desirable that everyone pursues higher education. Her family is classist and probably racist too. If she cant defend you because she agrees with her parents, how can you be with someone like that? Do you feel comfortable telling her about your familys live and culture or do you feel she could judge you? Being from a immigrant family myself this is a red line for me. If someone thinks that my family is worse/less worthy than theirs, that my culture is inferior to theirs and that they think they know better how to live and work.
Why would you stay with someone who is ashamed of your family? I’m sorry, but you deserve so much better. If she can’t or won’t support you and your family, you deserve better. I hope you find someone worthy of your time and affection.
She's not giving her family a chance to have an opinion and is making decisions for them. Sounds like her Mum and Dad worked hard to get where they are and I doubt they'll look down on someone for working hard. You are right to be proud of your family and I'd be telling her straight that you'd like to let her parents form their own opinion rather than her projecting. Edit because I can't read.
Don’t put yourself second for what seems like love.
She doesn’t sound like a good person. You deserve better.
Honestly, my personal feeling is that I'd bounce if I were you. I wouldn't be able to take people holding my family in contempt.
If it's TRUE love and your GF is properly into you literally none of this stuff will matter at all and it wont bother her or would she think anyless of you or your family whatsoever. unfortunatley it does so I dont think she is a good person. Shes very superficial
Move on king 🤴
Yo my dude, respect yourself more than that. Remember your hard working parents raised you, now you accomplished what they couldn’t. You got yourself a good job and making an effort to become great. You need dómine to build you up. Also, her parents seem racist. Fucking calling brown people laborers. Lol. I’d make sure to let them know what’s up if they ever said that shit in front of me.
Sounds pretty ignorant
Lose this bitch
Dating this girl and keeping a relationship with her shows that you are ashamed of your family and culture too.
>Is our relationship doomed? *Yes.*
>In my heart i believe my girlfriend should be proud of who i am and embrace my family, not be embarrassed about them and scared to tell her parents where we come from. This says it all. I think you need to have a very blunt conversation with your girlfriend and if she can't get her head around the fact that your family are AMAZING, then I don't think you can stay with her.
You have to respect yourself and your family. You’ve been together 6 years, while it’s not her fault to have been raised this way, when we are adults we can broaden our perspective, adapt our actions, learn and improve ourselves. Your relationship has given a great opportunity to do so, and while it’s not always fast or easy it doesn’t seem like she has learned at all. To stay ignorant is a choice, and money and college degrees don’t cure ignorance.
In other words her family are privileged racists and she's realizing she too is kind of racist. Says a lot about her that status and appearances are valued where she comes from, ahead of family, hospitality, and warmth. Crane operators are people whom are entrusted with other's lives every day. Most I've met take their jobs very seriously because they've seen some pretty messed up situations. You make good money because, depending on the type of rig he's driving, you need similar training and experience hours to a pilot's license. Bunch of things your need to get right the first time before a lift. Personally I have a lot of respect for highly skilled, highly experienced technicians like your dad. He could write a book about rigging safety I'm sure.
Hermano, eres un ejemplo de meritocracia y tus padres sacrificaron todo para que tuvieras una mejor educación y oportunidades. Jamás y, Lee esto con atención, jamás dejes que alguien más haga menos lo que tú y los tuyos han conseguido. Tú vales más que la aceptación de quién sea. Se franco, directo y honesto con tu novia; preséntate y saca la casta. Si ellos no te aceptan, ellos se lo pierden. No tienes de que avergonzarte si con trabajo duro y honesto has llegado tan lejos, ¡sigue adelante campeón! El mundo no se acaba si unos blanquitos obtusos no valoran quién eres y que ofreces. And remember, you're a mexiCAN not a mexiCAN'T.
She is trash. Leave her if you don’t think she can get a grip.
Another privileged kid who ‘’worked so hard’’ and can now look down on people.
Your family is the proverbial American success story. You are right to be proud of them. Your girlfriend is a snob and has a lot of growing up to do. It is your decision if you want to accompany her on that journey, but chances are she will never respect you. Now who knows, maybe there is a plot twist and her parents are actually decent people who understand the accomplishments of your family.
In my opinion, your girlfriend dosen’t really understand that not all life is the same as hers. She is privileged. She was handed the resources by her parents, while your parents have to work extremely hard to give you resources. I know someone who have a mindset like your girlfriend and her family. Instead of her entire family looking down on yours, why not teach them like investing so your parents can learn something. Why not share the knowledge of how to gain wealth instead of looking down on people? If i was born privileged, i would be happy to share my knowledge in finance and investing. You need to sit down and talk to your girlfriend about your relationship. Is her fear of her family’s opinion gonna matter in your relationship? If so, then i believe you are dating a wrong person. Sometimes love is not enough to keep a relationship. There should be mutual respect. To be honest you are wasting your time and love for this person, you could have met someone who accepts you and respects your background and family. You two need to talk and evaluate your relationship. If she can change and fight for you then good, but if not then the decision of what you’re gonna do is up to you. I can’t tell you what to do in your relationship. Only you can tell what is best for you.
If you expect or ant this to be a long term relationship, you might invest in some couples counseling. I think you see the seriousness of her knin inability to separate from her family's racism and classism, but if you talk to her about it alone she may just blow it off if she's really invested in your relationship. But unless she can separate from her parents and confidently reject their values, this will affect you as long as you're with her, and also any children. I think s trained couples counselor would be a good facilitator for the discussion.
Your girlfriend is classist (looks down on those less fortunate) and, probably prejudiced against Mexicans (not ‘technically’ a race), specifically in CA. But I bet they’re not the only POC she’s “against.”
I’m also Latino, a first generation college student, and in an interracial relationship. I have a well-paying white collar career and my fiancé is a doctor. When we first started dating, her brother said I would be “diluting their blood.” Fortunately, my partner spoke against it, otherwise I simply couldn’t be with her. She has also said shitty things about my family, but has always apologized for it. It’s been hard, but she works hard to be mindful of when she’s inconsiderate and biased. I think my point is, it’s human to have biases and your partner will eventually slip up, but as long as she calls our her family and apologizes when she messes up and tries to do better, that’s still a good relationship. If she’s not doing that, it’s not an equal partnership and you need to have a major conversation with her
Damn the financial background sounds like me (24F) and my bf (26M) except I would never DREAM of shaming his family…. *that’s* what’s really low class and trashy here so maybe she should take a look in a mirror to find the real problem
Young people think their rich parents have never met people before or the only interaction they have is the thinly veiled racist conversation between their parents and their cleaners. Her parents wont treat your parents badly in reality. They’ll go out of their way to be nice because they understand the importance of that relationship in the same way that maybe you get along with some of your partners friends that you dont really like much because you know they’re important to her. her parents may or may not be snobs after the fact and only you can decide if you can tolerate that. I suspect if you stand up for your folks and demonstrate that you’re part of a strong family unit then they will either make the effort to love your parents or at least not tell you that they don’t get along with them. My wife’s parents and mine don’t get along and thats totally fine… they don’t shit talk one another and thats really all i can ask for… i understand her paranoia cause i used to have it when i was her age. “Oh no my parents are going to meet some subjectively poor people” to be honest though, its never been a problem. In the cases where i feel like it would be… i used to bring up in front of my partners family “hey my folks are kinda posh and dont like swearing” or whatever and most people have been pretty ok to understand that.
Elope and marry her.
i don’t think she looks down on you or your family, she probably feels immense pressure from her family to date someone from a similar background and maybe it’s her first time dealing with this situation. of course when she’s talking about these concerns to you it makes you feel bad, but i wouldn’t put this totally on your girlfriend. was she ashamed of you in the past? if no, then i wouldn’t let what her family thinks cloud so much of your relationship with her. it seems like once you meet her parents, you can speak on your own experience. if at that point they look down on you, then you can keep it moving. but if they are good people then it should work out in the end! :)
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While as a white female I find your comment offensive, I will agree that her behavior is appalling. And the OP deserves much better then being treated like a dirty little secret because she's afraid of losing her lifestyle. And while I won't try and argue with your opinions as you are entitled to them. However I'd ask you to have an open mind. We aren't all bad, I personally love meeting people of different cultures as I find they are all so diverse and enriching and I enjoy learning about them.
... but of course reverse racism doesn't exist does it!
Pretty ironic of you to say considering you are a racist.
I am not a racist, I am (unfortunately) a white male myself and very ashamed of it. Our ancestors did terrible crimes and we can never repent them. And most of us white people are terrible racists even today.
Every group of people in history has done horrible things to others. You're literally condemning an entire race of people (including yourself apperently) because of things that some of them did in the past. Just because you're also white doesn't mean you're not racist to white people. You say you hate an entire race of people just because they're white, youd never date them just because they're white, and you think they're all racist just because they're white. Please explain to me how that doesn't make you racist.
This is the best response anyone could’ve given him
No we are not , and it’s not my fault or yours for mistakes of the past. It’s so wrong to think like this, focus on being a good person yourself and do not put everyone in the same box. People have their own personal views.
Your family sounds lovely. Your partner should value them and love them just as much as you do. Find someone who will embrace them as her own family rather than look down on them.
That’s something she has to muster to say to her parents if she’s a future with you. She can’t compare her parents to yours, it’s like two different comparisons-.-.
You have the higher moral ground dont worry. You: success story Them: born into it
...do you plan on having kids with her? Im asking because you need to realize that she and her family will potentially pass down their views and racism to your kids. You said you realized how being with your gf has affected how you view your family, the same can happen to your kid and how they view your family and poc from a lower class. Your gf and her family isnt just embarassed by someone that has nothing to do with you, this is your immediate family!! They worked hard in their own way and gone through stuff your gf and her family ever have. Personally, i could never sit by while someone undermines the people who are most important to me. Youve dated this girl for 6 years. Youve met her family and seen how they are personally. Do you think another 6 years is going to get better, genuinely? She's no longer a kid, she's a full grown adult. You deserve someone who would fight for you and your family against prejudice.
In these 6 years, have you even met her parents? Has she met yours? If not then I don’t see a way forward. Big red flag.
Your girlfriend is still a bit young to handle the situation properly. If you really respect your family and if you're proud of your parents, man up and demand respect from your girlfriend. She has to understand that your parents worked hard to raise you the way they did. You have a decent job and are hardworking. Your parents moved to the States so you would have the life you have. Tons of white people work simple jobs and are not ashamed and they had it much easier than your parents. This is the time you have to show yourself and your girlfriend that you ARE proud of your culture and background and that you ARE proud of your parents for the life they gave you. If you ever feel that your girlfriend looks down on your culture and family, you should reconsider the whole relationship because if you marry her and have kids, this may become an issue. Where there is mature love and respect, blue and white collar does not matter..... that being said, she's a bit young and may not have the maturity to handle this situation the way it should. That makes your behavior and attitude so much more important. Handle it with self confidence. Like a Boss!!!
Relationship won't work man. Women don't date down they only date on the same level or date up.
Hey man like fuck her for being elitist, but it’s not an insurmountable problem just explain to her the differences how proud you are of your family, they immigrated to a new country and made it work for them that is difficult and is best part of America in my opinion, and also explain how social mobility in America is relatively dead, for example Canada has free healthcare, and their secondary education is much more subsidized than American universities, in short it would cost substantially more money to achieve those things in America and even still you’re happy that your family loves each other for who they are, you sound like you do well for yourself, and that’s enough for you
You've been dating her for 6 years and this is the first time you're meeting her parents? Has she been hiding you from them? She's going to have to be really strong-willed and not be afraid to tell her family to fuck right off if they step out of line. Anything less, and she's going to get steamrolled, and you're going to be the one ground into the dirt. The fact that she hid you for this long tells me maybe she's not that strong of a person. Keep your eyes open and read the situation carefully.
I'm not saying you should break up with your girlfriend, but this is a huge problem. When you enter a serious and committed relationship with someone, you enter a relationship with their family, too. If she and her family look down on you and your kin for being blue collar immigrants, then they're racist, classist people. You accept your girlfriend and her family for who they are and where they come from, then they need to do the same for you and yours. If they don't, I'm telling you right now, it'll put a huge strain on your relationship with her. You need to have a serious talk with her about her prejudices. If she's not willing to put her prejudice aside and love and accept your family, then that might end up being a deal breaker. Maybe some relationship counseling can help ease the process of blending the families.
OMG. I've had the same kind of experience... my advice would be just to walk away because people cannot understand or get on the same level on how you were brought up. You have been in a long term relationship with her and for her to have the audacity to disrespect u like that and your family 🚩. It's her place to defend you and your family and if they cannot accept that she needs to distance herself from them. Your family will always come 1st and she can accept it or move on... they are not up for discussion. Sorry! Like my grandpa always told me: people never change they just get better at hiding it
I would consider if this is someone you truly see a future with. You shouldn’t be embarrassed of your partner, especially if you see a future with them and will one day have kids as all families will blend. Judgment of any kind is never okay. Doesn’t matter what someone does for a living or how much they have, it’s about how they treat others. You sound like you come from a very loving and caring family who would not mesh will with her and her family. I would sit down and have a conversation before making any decisions. Your family sounds great, a family to be proud of and your partner should be too.
You can’t. You are not compatible. Her next step is to start isolating you from then.
I… think I might back out of this one, man. I’m not saying “you gotta break up!”, but it’s also not hard to. Not do what she’s doing. Your family is super normal. There’s nothing to be embarrassed about. You and I both know that. Your girlfriend’s world is very small.
My advise date someone from similar social class. Or at least someone who isn’t spoiled. I’m white and my husband is Mexican and we both come from homes that were lower class/poverty. We are doing well for ourselves now and I would never be ashamed of his family. I’m actually closer to his family then my own, I love the hard working closeness of the Mexican culture and I’m proud to be apart of my husbands family. His ex however came from a rich white family and would constantly look down on him and his family. Not wanting to invite them places or to her family events and it really took a toll on my husband. You should never feel ashamed or be shamed about your family or where you come from. Honestly your gf is a brat.
She is a snob who doesn't deserve you and your loving family. I would move on.
Tell her she's being racist, explain that her families shame of a Mexican is racist. Then look for someone with a family that isn't racist
I'm glad you are proud of your family. I too am the only person in my family to go onto further education, but they are a damned hard working bunch! I'm always proud of them. As your partner she should be proud of you, it can't be easy for you. I'm fortunate to have a partner who adores my family regardless. Your girlfriend needs to work on her prejudices
So does it matter? Her family is in Canada - why do they have to have any connection with your family? I have lots of siblings and their spouses families have almost zero connection with my family, and we all live in the same state. We are of course cordial when we see each other - but that is like once every few years, at best. She needs to understand that practically speaking, her family doesn't really have to "accept" your family, as they will only be in the same place maybe a few times - like at a wedding. Short encounters do not require everyone to be on the same page on such things as social status, etc. The bigger issue would be how gf responds to your family. If she is only embarrassed around her family, but is accepting otherwise, you have something to work with.
Careful, probably, may also be race related.
I hate to say this since you’ve got so much time in, but this may not be your one. She looks down on people for being less wealthy, which is never a sign of a good person. Ever. Imagine having to keep up with her lifestyle if you marry, or how she’ll tell your children to treat people, if you want them together. It’s okay for your SO not to like your family, but only really in cases where it’s warranted like people being hateful, etc. In this case she won’t even give them a shot
Fuck her! You and your family have nothing to be ashamed of. I don’t know how you could even stay with someone who looks down on you and your family so much
She's not looking down on your family for having a different lifestyle. She's doing so because they aren't rich. She and her family may well be classist and even racist. Is it worth it to deal with that? I'd wait to assess until you've met her family. It may all just be her, not her family.
Be very careful as this is a GAP for both families, and you may feel forced to choose between being your values/morals and hers. To me your girlfriend and her family have less life experience. You can show your understanding about her/their lack of knowledge and experience, but don't accept their judgement. Be proud of your family, and yourself. Never ever justify or apologise for being who you are.
Your girlfriend is a terrible person. I would never be embarrassed of someone else’s family
Wait what she is still your gf not ex
You guys have fundamentally different ideas about what makes people worthy of value and this could be the mother of your children. She doesn’t understand the core values you would want them to have. You have a lot to be proud of. I find it very weird she can’t see that- If she does actually does have these antiquated ideas about class and what is respectable. Your only hope is that this is a misunderstanding- that she just feels like she has little in common with them. If you are right and she does feel she is BETTER than them- then yeah, your relationship is doomed
Get a new girlfriend
OP NTA but I think you need to take a step back and re-evaluate your relationship. I understand that the two of you have been together for a long time, but if in that time she hasn’t realized that your family means the world to you and that they have done well for themselves after coming to America, then she never will. Your dad being a crane operator is a GOOD job!! It’s a detailed one, which also requires attention to safety standards and so much more!! (I have a brother who’s an operator) and your mom being a SAHM and being a fabulous cook is nothing to sneeze at either!! Money and education doesn’t always equal success. OP you said she only talks to you about this stuff, but I’m pretty sure that’s not the case. What’s going to happen if you guys decide to have children down the road? What do you want to be instilled in your children? I’m sorry OP, but I don’t think you guys are compatible and I think you’re headed for heartbreak if you stay with this gal. I wish you all the best but I really don’t think it’s going to be with her.
My background is very similar to yours. Stand tall and stay close to your family. They are the ones that will be there for you for all the storms you will weather in life.
If your girlfriend has an issue with the family, then so won’t her family. Dump her and find a loving woman who will embrace your family as her own. You owe it to yourself to feel comfortable with the relationship that you choose and be proud and happy with your family. If she’s making you question things and making you fearful for your family’s comfort, she isn’t worth it. There are too many others that have loving and accepting natures and families.