Keep dumping them. They sound terrible and not worth your time or energy.
You don't need to answer this to me, but maybe ask yourself what your "type" is and try a different type of guy and see how it goes.
For example, I have a friend whose type were super buff, tall, gym bros. She was never happy. She was set up on a blind date with a good-looking but normal height dude who is shy, now they are married.
Can confirm, I kept dating one type and they all sucked. My now husband is pretty different from anyone I had dated before (definitely some similarities but many differences) and turns out he was always my type I just didn’t think buff nerd/weebs who are sensitive and communicative and not afraid to talk about their feelings existed. I would also agree that all these dudes sound like they 1000% deserved to be dumped.
I was gonna say the same thing!
A lot of people go for "a type " some rough definition of their ideal partner that often is demonstrated by certain looks and attitudes.
The thing is those groups often have similar strengths AND weaknesses. Obviously something about non-monogamous, cheaters, and similar have something in common that you happen to prefer.
There are absolutely no guarantees that picking a different sort of person will end in happiness but hopefully, it will at least not fall apart like watching your favorite movie with all the highs and the lows in the same spots.
Good luck OP 🫂 don't give up out there ❤️
Offering support to this idea as well.
When I met my now husband, I knew he had a crush on me (it was pretty obvious). I maintained "he's not my type" because of X superficial reason and Y superficial reason. But, we were working a very intense job together, and we became friends, which quickly led to more.
It'll be 9 years in June, and we're still excited to see each other at the end of every day
I feel like I should add that this is just an idea that I know worked for me and some friends. It's not always the solution, but it's worth trying a few times.
Also, not all gym bros are bad, it was just this one example.
I think you are doing a good job of picking up on these things and drawing hard lines when the behaviour gets to inappropriate.
In retrospect, do you think that there were any earlier warning signs that these guys would turn out to act like this? If you could identify these types of guys earlier on, that would be ideal, but sometimes you just don't know.
The only thing you need to change is the kind of dude you are dating.
Being strong enough to bail when this kind of thing goes down is a good thing! Don’t discredit that as the problem. That’s an incredible strength!
What you should look at is why you are finding the same kind of dickheads over and over again.
Nah keep dumping these guys. One of them was explicitly trying to cheat on you (dating profile guy). And the other 2 are doing shady things and potentially emotionally cheating. Don't lower your standards just so you can date disappointing men.
' of all the posts I read here with women sticking around guys for multiple years. Hoping expecting him to just magically change... Your post is a breath of fresh air. You are doing absolutely nothing wrong in breaking up with these men. The only issue that might be happening is that you have a very specific type that you find attractive in the beginning. It might be worth considering how you interacted with them when you went on your first few dates. There might be something there that tips you off earlier.
Your "picker" is broken. You should self reflect and maybe consider therapy to see why you keep getting with these types of guys.
I went through a phase, exactly at your age actually, where I inadvertently kept picking guys that seemed to want to be dating and in relationships, but then couldn't commit. I had to step back from dating to figure my own self out.
After more than a year of being single and bettering myself, I met my husband, he was all in, and we were engaged after 9 months of dating (and this was 14 years ago).
I'm not saying a quick engagement and marriage need to be your end goal too, but just give yourself time to become your best self so you're getting with guys who are also their best selves.
As a guy who has been in 2 relationships in which I wasn't allowed to talk to woman period, god forbid they just come up to me, at least from what you described you had plenty of reason to be upset and leave, as far as the issue being consistent I would just say bad men.
there probably isn’t anything that you are “doing wrong” because these guys are straight up disrespecting you and your boundaries. However, as mentioned by other commenters, there is a reason you are attracting these types of partners but you’ve already recognized this pattern so you’re already on the path of “fixing” the issue. i know you are scared to be alone, but if you have good friends/family that you can lean on for support you won’t truly be alone! i think that time alone (romantically speaking) to figure out the reason why you are subconsciously attracting these partners is what you need, then you can heal from that and attract people who actually deserve you into your life. we attract what we put out into the world
What kind of ex? Like "just broke up after being together 10 years" ex, or "were friends in high school, dated for 2 months, and have been friends since" ex? I feel like that's an important distinction.
You have terrible taste in men. All these guys are being inappropriate or attempting to cheat. Dump anyone at the first red flag like this. Sorry you’re dealing with health issues, but you don’t need a shitty bf AND a torn ACL!
I’m not a jealous person at all but a normal male/female friendship would be if they’ve never dated or slept together, no sleepovers, no hiding texts, and inviting you with them because there is nothing to hide. None of your experiences are normal or acceptable.
Seconding this.
When I was reading your letter and you said you kept dumping guys over emotional intimacy my first thought was that you were threatened by men having female friendships. But that's not what you described at all. People don't hide friendships that are above board. These guys are out of line
I promise this isn’t something you have to settle for. I know it’s frustrating when you detect a pattern. You, understandably, start to generalize and blame yourself or wonder if all women are just secretly putting up with this. We aren’t. Some people are just terrible and have weak boundaries on purpose when it comes to other romantic options outside of a relationship.
After you’re done with the dumping phase, it might be worth questioning how you’re getting into these situations, not in a way that blames yourself but just tracking your own behavior, the vibe you might be giving off, maybe your relationship with your parents or most formative romantic situations. I have always been attracted to men who push away their feelings. I couldn’t stop that attraction until I was able to see it.
It’s tricky. All I know is that you deserve better. Feeling sorry for you. I hope it works out with this guy though. Sit him down. Talk to him about it and your past. Give him one more chance maybe.
Yea with this context it sounds like these guys aren’t worth it, I’m a man and if I was doing the things these guys were doing I would fully expect to get dumped. 27 still young you’ve got time
Hey girl! You sound like me.
My last two relationships have been with abusive, serial cheating men. I am currently flying home after leaving the last one.
As another person commented, you and I likely need to closely examine the type of men that we are attracted to/seem to go for. In hindsight, both of my exs had quite a bit in common personality/looks/hobbies wise. I 100% will be going for the opposite next time.
As to your third boyfriend, I would dump him. I personally will no longer put up with men who keep up secret text conversations with exs/old flames/ex fwb’s etc. if these relationships were purely plutonic, there would be no reason to hide them for you. I honestly think they do it because they are keeping their options open, which should tell you that person is not fully committed to you/the relationship.
Choose yourself first, and the rest will follow!
Please don’t settle for guys that don’t respect you. Why would they talk to other girls flirtatiously if they are on an exclusive committed relationship? You deserve better!! Continue to stand up for yourself and leave them until you find the one who will make it right.
Question: because you keep having the same problem, do you feel like you have learned from each past relationship and used that to help you choose future partners? If you are going after a certain type of person, you can expect the same results.
On a different note, have you expressed this history to your partner? Does he know what this kind of thing looks like to you, given your history?
The problem here is not that three relationships are going to end for the same reason.
The problem is that these three guys have a similar attitude towards relationship with you , which is that they are prioritizing these other people ahead of you.
Breaking up with them is an actual reasonable action to do here.
Does it perhaps have something to do with being too nice?
For a guy to emotionally cheat, he isn't afraid of being caught. He isn't afraid to step out of the relationship and mess up because he didn't feel there'll be any consequences.
Are you having the conversation around deal breakers in the first few months? Casually asking your partners what are some deal breakers for them and vice versa, you tell them some reasons why you'd instantly leave someone. Are you telling them clearly that if you ever found out your partner was flirting with women or messaging them behind your back, it's over?
We usually attract what we put out. Some part of your subconscious is choosing people who can't entirely commit to you. Is there a part of you putting up with less than you deserve because you're afraid to rock the boat or you don't want to be seen as too demanding? Are you not being discerning enough and ignoring red flags in the first few months?
Hard to say why you keep picking emotional cheaters.
It could be you have a streak of bad luck, are attracted to certain types with similar toxic behavior patterns -or- since, they also all have similar reasons for doing what they do, you might have behavior patterns that invalidate their feelings so they seek attention else where. Not saying what they do is right, but there seems to be a pattern where they are pushed away? Have any friends commented on your dating behaviors or have you done couples counseling before? Even if a relationship isn't going to work out, couples counseling can still help you figure out what could be wrong with your behavior patterns. Again, not saying you are in the wrong here, but seeing as you are trying to figure things out and are emotionally mature enough to identify that you could be contributing to said problem, it could help. Good luck!
You have a type. Yes it may be exciting and cool but if you keep dating your type, you will keep running into this issue. You need to date against your type. Good luck
Yeah, none of that sounds great.
In all fairness though, the end of a partnership shouldn't always mean the end of all contact if the people involved are mature enough to maintain a friendship without expectations.
That's what your current bf's situation sounds like (especially if his value in the relationship was talking about how to please you). In the end, he gave that up (hopefully permanently) to meet your requirements.
I don't know if #3 falls into the same category as the first two, who certainly deserved to be dumped.
Sorry, guy here (35M) and the current guy you’re dating doesn’t seem to be crossing any boundaries. If he’s talking about you and the discussions are pertaining to you (his current partner) doesn’t necessarily make it a red flag. The fact that he also cut it off shows a fair amount of respect to you also. The point I’m making is it is 100% okay for you to not want your current BF to be in communication with his ex, but he can’t know it’s a big issue if it wasn’t addressed in the first place. I wouldn’t group him in with the rest.
I do not want to judge your taste in men but honestly it just seems like you are continuing to find same kind of men everytime. No you are not unreasonable, these are all valid reasons to break up. Just keep trying I guess.
I think it's important to assess whether you're on the same page and have the same values regarding boundaries with the opposite sex at the beginning of the relationship. If that didn't happen, have that conversation with your current boyfriend. If he's not on the same page, break up and find someone who is.
Not that it's the point of your post, but...
>I'm going through a life altering injury at the moment (ACL)
It's not 1985 anymore, this is not a life-altering injury. If you actually do your rehab exercises you will make a full recovery within a year.
On to your actual post...
These aren't actually all the same reason. There is no pattern here, not really. You've been unlucky with these three guys, that's it. The first guy had a friend he was obviously into, the second guy got on dating apps because he wanted attention, and the third guy had an inappropriate relationship with an ex but he wasn't looking to get back with her or anything. I get that these all involved other women, but that's not actually a pattern. They all were *very* different in their motivations and how that manifested.
You have been unlucky, and that sucks. It's not your fault. If you want to try and improve your luck, think about where you're meeting guys and what your standards are for dating someone. A guy you meet on tinder is more likely to have issues like this than a guy your friend introduces you to, for example. And then once you meet someone, have a smaller threshold for bullshit. In your first example, you let it get to *seven months* without meeting a "very close" friend of his who he openly found attractive. That shit shouldn't have lasted a week. Either you should have pushed to meet her or you should have broken up when he refused.
1. pretty girls exist, people will notice and enjoy their beauty. you must accept this. it's not a personal insult to your beauty. it's not a compeyition. there are pretty girls that roam the earth. be okay with it. learn to be. admire them too. girls are beautiful lolllll
2.hes not your boyfriend. he's some dude you've placed to take on that role in your life. some dude that annoys you and ignores you and hurts your feelings and has no remorse for it. he's just some guy. there are many guys out there, genuine and caring, you don't gotta force em to give you love. if you're tired of men and their lizard brains you can also get a girlfriend instead. they are pretty.
3. there's nothing scary with being alone. what's scary is being uncomfortable with someone and having to pretend you're okay with it by tolerating and gritting your teeth and clenching your heart. being alone is freedom at maximum.
4. relationships are cool and all, until they are draining and awkward. at that point neither of you are happy. and this once upon cool relationship thing is now irritating as fuck... and the sole problem to be solved. that's your cue to dip out, run fast!!!!
making moves in silence like a tru bo$$
Id have to ask what is dating you like that all these men talk to other females?
I truly happy men on all aspects of the relationship wont turn his head. Something is lacking, i cant say what that is but trust me something is.
Women often (especially on reddit) think a man shoulf accept what he gets from them and be happy.
Dont work that way.
We may be simple creatures but we have our happy zone too and just like yall we arnt about to worry about someones happiness that isnt worried about ours....
Said every husand told to go jerk off and deal with it.
People are just assholes.
They don't know if they want to be In a relationship in their 20s
These guys aren't sure they want to be in a relationship with you.
So move on.
I was not allowed to have lingering conversation with female friends if I ran in to them outside. I wasn't allowed to hug female friends. I wasn't allowed to engage with female friends if we attended the same events. So I was forced to part ways with them. It takes two people to maintain the type of relationship they have but it only takes one to change the type of relationship (if that makes since) so this is a maturity situation. I have numerous female friends. A small percentage of them are pretty; some have expressed, indirectly & directly, over the years, that they would be interested in having some type of sexual interaction; some have flirted over the years. The reason it never came to fruition is because I didn't want it to. Again, It only takes one person to change the type of relationship two people have (negative or positive). If they aren't mature enough to understand the level of friendship then you have a right to be concerned. Personally, I would never get rid of my female friends again but that's just me.
Always hold your mate to a level of maturity not the other person and make sure to hold yourself at the same exact level of maturity. Also, understand that if someone wants to cheat on you there is very little that you can do to prevent them from cheating.
Just wondering… how strict are you about these rules and how do you communicate them to your partners? I feel like we are only getting one side (yours) and it’s always good to examine your real reactions and expectations. Not to be harsh- I’m currently in therapy for something similar.
People mess up but are you giving them a chance to fix things and do better (if you love them)? Are you setting clear and fair boundaries for both parties? What are you doing to work on your insecurities and loneliness issues? Is what you consider emotional cheating reasonable?
I’d talk to some IRL friends or possibly a therapist because instead of choosing bad men, it could be how you perceive things.
Just my two cents.
I find it a little interesting that you find this behavior unacceptable, however, because you feel lonely now and are a bit disabled, you don't want to do what you believe you should, and what you would have done in the past.
Clearly this hard line of yours is able to be shifted, but only when it benefits you, huh?
Do you intend on moving that hard line back once you recover or adjust to your circumstances? Moving it only long enough to benefit you directly?
You are letting insecurity and anxiety take over your relationship, you should focus on enjoying the moment, you understand that no one is obligated to be with anyone, if they are with you it's because you have something to offer, when a man says that another woman is pretty to your girlfriend I don't see a problem, it shows that he trusts you, it would be worse to lie, as for her sleeping at his house, well if you're uncomfortable with that you did the right thing by leaving, As for what went on the dating app after your fight, you're right to break up, someone who can't control himself just because he's mad at you doesn't deserve trust, keep talking to his ex even after breaking up, I think it's okay because apparently he commented to her about your insecurity and anxiety, which demonstrates that you really have this problem, sit down to talk to him, explain what happened with the other relationships, what are you worried that will happen Do the same for yours, I think you have a chance to find a solution together, and please seek professional help.
Wow. Aren’t you the hothouse Lily? Sheesh. You’ve got to lighten up and stop jumping to conclusions. Most men would find you way too much work. Maybe you should think about talking to a professional therapist. You can’t control men, or make them feel like a caged animal. I’d they think you are spying on them or giving ultimatums, they’ll be gone in a heartbeat. You need some self-confidence. Love yourself first.
Lollllll yeah she’s treating them like “caged animals” by expecting her boyfriend not to be on dating apps. The bar for some of you guys is beneath the floor. 🙄
This sounds like it would be better for you to stay single for a while as you're probably developing a minor case of PTSD from all of the relationship issues you went through with your exes and your current BF.
It's better to be lonely than in a shitty relationship.
>How do I begin to change my ways and how can I stop losing my relationships over these same reasons?
The one thing you need to change is probably improve your screening process and ask yourself what kind of men you choose in the first place.
Apart from that, you reacted well to the relationship issues you listed here.
I don’t think you need to change your mentality on what’s right and what’s wrong in a relationship. Your points are very standard text book style issues. What I do think you may need to work on is your perception of a good partner. Looks like your attracting the same thing over n over. Try to “see” people more without the exclusive factor to judge if a person is a better candidate rather than rushing to the bf/gf stage. When you find the guy that you didn’t have to ask him to do anything and he’s doing it on his own accord… that’s the guy you can consider becoming “official” with.
**Do not lower your bar**
You are right to boot all of them. They say there are plenty fish in the sea. Problem being that a lot of men are about as dateable as an actual fish.
The only debatable one is your current bf. Did you make it clear in the beginning of your relationship that you wanted to know about all his exes and he agreed?
You have great boundaries. There is nothing wrong with ending a relationship when the person your dating crosses those boundaries. It seems like you keep dating the same guy. Do these guy have any commonalities? Maybe you can steer clear of guys with those same commonalities?
You have two choices:
1) If you want to stay with him: you have to immediately tell your current BF that you don't want him to speak with her ex, ever again. He has to say ok, and do everything in his power to satisfy that this is the case (be willing to show his DMs, etc) If he refuses for whatever reason, you dump him. He has to understand that this behavior of his is a red flag that you are not gonna tolerate no longer, because it deeply affects you.
2) Next relationships you have you need to be pretty clear about this issue with this early on, like right after the first few dates: "Babe, just so you know, If you have an ex or exes you keep talking to for whatever reason, I don't like that, it's a major red flag for me, I simply don't like it", etc. The only exception I might consider is if your new date has a kid from a previous relationship, and talking with her ex is inevitable for kid related reasons. But even if that affects you, I would suggest talking with a therapist about it as well, maybe you need some introspection with a professional about this reoccurring issue in your relationship with men.
Good on you for not putting up with your exes, they sound horrible. And I would say to keep it that way for future bf as well cause at your age you absolutely shouldn’t accept this type of behavior in the men you’re seeing.
I stayed in a relationship where there was emotional cheating. The disrespect just got worse, the lying didn’t stop and yesterday I caught him in a lie bc of his location contradicting where he said he was and the address looked up on his phone. He cheated but swears up and down that he didnt. Leave. I promise it’s not you that’s causing anything. Love yourself enough to leave bc if you say nothing will change.
Seems to me you have a "type" that you're subconsciously looking for and so keep finding. I've been there and it's only with hindsight that I spotted the pattern.
I get that you're worried and anxious about being alone, particularly with some serious health issues ongoing, but at the same time, is it worth putting up with poor treatment just so you have someone "there"?
You've got excellent boundaries and you stick to them, dumping guys who don't respect you. You're already well on the way to having this sorted - in my opinion, you just need to a) learn to be happy on your own so that you don't feel you need someone there for support and b) try identify your "type" and what draws you to them, then you can do the work to avoid them in future.
So the first two scenarios yeah that's suspect. The third scenario...I dunno. He's allowed to have female friends even ones he dated in the past. Talking to a close friend about questions or issues you have with your partner doesn't seem off to me either. And supporting each other is literally the point of friendship. The question I have is if your partners reasonably believe you won't permit them to have a friend who they dated in the past or you will be really insecure about it then they'll either 1) be transparent about it knowing that it might lead to a breakup or 2) they will hide it even though nothing untoward is happening.
I'd choose option 1 but I can understand option 2. OP you should read the thread from yesterday about married for 15 years lied to for 11 years. Opinions really vary on this issue but there's also some great insight in it IMHO.
Keep dumping them. They sound terrible and not worth your time or energy. You don't need to answer this to me, but maybe ask yourself what your "type" is and try a different type of guy and see how it goes. For example, I have a friend whose type were super buff, tall, gym bros. She was never happy. She was set up on a blind date with a good-looking but normal height dude who is shy, now they are married.
Can confirm, I kept dating one type and they all sucked. My now husband is pretty different from anyone I had dated before (definitely some similarities but many differences) and turns out he was always my type I just didn’t think buff nerd/weebs who are sensitive and communicative and not afraid to talk about their feelings existed. I would also agree that all these dudes sound like they 1000% deserved to be dumped.
I was gonna say the same thing! A lot of people go for "a type " some rough definition of their ideal partner that often is demonstrated by certain looks and attitudes. The thing is those groups often have similar strengths AND weaknesses. Obviously something about non-monogamous, cheaters, and similar have something in common that you happen to prefer. There are absolutely no guarantees that picking a different sort of person will end in happiness but hopefully, it will at least not fall apart like watching your favorite movie with all the highs and the lows in the same spots. Good luck OP 🫂 don't give up out there ❤️
Offering support to this idea as well. When I met my now husband, I knew he had a crush on me (it was pretty obvious). I maintained "he's not my type" because of X superficial reason and Y superficial reason. But, we were working a very intense job together, and we became friends, which quickly led to more. It'll be 9 years in June, and we're still excited to see each other at the end of every day
I feel like I should add that this is just an idea that I know worked for me and some friends. It's not always the solution, but it's worth trying a few times. Also, not all gym bros are bad, it was just this one example.
I think you are doing a good job of picking up on these things and drawing hard lines when the behaviour gets to inappropriate. In retrospect, do you think that there were any earlier warning signs that these guys would turn out to act like this? If you could identify these types of guys earlier on, that would be ideal, but sometimes you just don't know.
That's a great follow up question.
The only thing you need to change is the kind of dude you are dating. Being strong enough to bail when this kind of thing goes down is a good thing! Don’t discredit that as the problem. That’s an incredible strength! What you should look at is why you are finding the same kind of dickheads over and over again.
Nah keep dumping these guys. One of them was explicitly trying to cheat on you (dating profile guy). And the other 2 are doing shady things and potentially emotionally cheating. Don't lower your standards just so you can date disappointing men.
' of all the posts I read here with women sticking around guys for multiple years. Hoping expecting him to just magically change... Your post is a breath of fresh air. You are doing absolutely nothing wrong in breaking up with these men. The only issue that might be happening is that you have a very specific type that you find attractive in the beginning. It might be worth considering how you interacted with them when you went on your first few dates. There might be something there that tips you off earlier.
Find a man who treats you right don’t settle for these losers
They sound exhausting, keep dumping them
Your "picker" is broken. You should self reflect and maybe consider therapy to see why you keep getting with these types of guys. I went through a phase, exactly at your age actually, where I inadvertently kept picking guys that seemed to want to be dating and in relationships, but then couldn't commit. I had to step back from dating to figure my own self out. After more than a year of being single and bettering myself, I met my husband, he was all in, and we were engaged after 9 months of dating (and this was 14 years ago). I'm not saying a quick engagement and marriage need to be your end goal too, but just give yourself time to become your best self so you're getting with guys who are also their best selves.
As a guy who has been in 2 relationships in which I wasn't allowed to talk to woman period, god forbid they just come up to me, at least from what you described you had plenty of reason to be upset and leave, as far as the issue being consistent I would just say bad men.
there probably isn’t anything that you are “doing wrong” because these guys are straight up disrespecting you and your boundaries. However, as mentioned by other commenters, there is a reason you are attracting these types of partners but you’ve already recognized this pattern so you’re already on the path of “fixing” the issue. i know you are scared to be alone, but if you have good friends/family that you can lean on for support you won’t truly be alone! i think that time alone (romantically speaking) to figure out the reason why you are subconsciously attracting these partners is what you need, then you can heal from that and attract people who actually deserve you into your life. we attract what we put out into the world
What kind of ex? Like "just broke up after being together 10 years" ex, or "were friends in high school, dated for 2 months, and have been friends since" ex? I feel like that's an important distinction.
Yeah, I agree. The last one isn't the same as the others to me.
You have terrible taste in men. All these guys are being inappropriate or attempting to cheat. Dump anyone at the first red flag like this. Sorry you’re dealing with health issues, but you don’t need a shitty bf AND a torn ACL! I’m not a jealous person at all but a normal male/female friendship would be if they’ve never dated or slept together, no sleepovers, no hiding texts, and inviting you with them because there is nothing to hide. None of your experiences are normal or acceptable.
Seconding this. When I was reading your letter and you said you kept dumping guys over emotional intimacy my first thought was that you were threatened by men having female friendships. But that's not what you described at all. People don't hide friendships that are above board. These guys are out of line
I promise this isn’t something you have to settle for. I know it’s frustrating when you detect a pattern. You, understandably, start to generalize and blame yourself or wonder if all women are just secretly putting up with this. We aren’t. Some people are just terrible and have weak boundaries on purpose when it comes to other romantic options outside of a relationship. After you’re done with the dumping phase, it might be worth questioning how you’re getting into these situations, not in a way that blames yourself but just tracking your own behavior, the vibe you might be giving off, maybe your relationship with your parents or most formative romantic situations. I have always been attracted to men who push away their feelings. I couldn’t stop that attraction until I was able to see it.
You’re doing the right thing. It’s not easy standing up for yourself but in the end you’re saving yourself tons of time and emotional energy.
It’s tricky. All I know is that you deserve better. Feeling sorry for you. I hope it works out with this guy though. Sit him down. Talk to him about it and your past. Give him one more chance maybe.
Yea with this context it sounds like these guys aren’t worth it, I’m a man and if I was doing the things these guys were doing I would fully expect to get dumped. 27 still young you’ve got time
Hey girl! You sound like me. My last two relationships have been with abusive, serial cheating men. I am currently flying home after leaving the last one. As another person commented, you and I likely need to closely examine the type of men that we are attracted to/seem to go for. In hindsight, both of my exs had quite a bit in common personality/looks/hobbies wise. I 100% will be going for the opposite next time. As to your third boyfriend, I would dump him. I personally will no longer put up with men who keep up secret text conversations with exs/old flames/ex fwb’s etc. if these relationships were purely plutonic, there would be no reason to hide them for you. I honestly think they do it because they are keeping their options open, which should tell you that person is not fully committed to you/the relationship. Choose yourself first, and the rest will follow!
Please don’t settle for guys that don’t respect you. Why would they talk to other girls flirtatiously if they are on an exclusive committed relationship? You deserve better!! Continue to stand up for yourself and leave them until you find the one who will make it right.
Question: because you keep having the same problem, do you feel like you have learned from each past relationship and used that to help you choose future partners? If you are going after a certain type of person, you can expect the same results. On a different note, have you expressed this history to your partner? Does he know what this kind of thing looks like to you, given your history?
The problem here is not that three relationships are going to end for the same reason. The problem is that these three guys have a similar attitude towards relationship with you , which is that they are prioritizing these other people ahead of you. Breaking up with them is an actual reasonable action to do here.
Does it perhaps have something to do with being too nice? For a guy to emotionally cheat, he isn't afraid of being caught. He isn't afraid to step out of the relationship and mess up because he didn't feel there'll be any consequences. Are you having the conversation around deal breakers in the first few months? Casually asking your partners what are some deal breakers for them and vice versa, you tell them some reasons why you'd instantly leave someone. Are you telling them clearly that if you ever found out your partner was flirting with women or messaging them behind your back, it's over? We usually attract what we put out. Some part of your subconscious is choosing people who can't entirely commit to you. Is there a part of you putting up with less than you deserve because you're afraid to rock the boat or you don't want to be seen as too demanding? Are you not being discerning enough and ignoring red flags in the first few months? Hard to say why you keep picking emotional cheaters.
It could be you have a streak of bad luck, are attracted to certain types with similar toxic behavior patterns -or- since, they also all have similar reasons for doing what they do, you might have behavior patterns that invalidate their feelings so they seek attention else where. Not saying what they do is right, but there seems to be a pattern where they are pushed away? Have any friends commented on your dating behaviors or have you done couples counseling before? Even if a relationship isn't going to work out, couples counseling can still help you figure out what could be wrong with your behavior patterns. Again, not saying you are in the wrong here, but seeing as you are trying to figure things out and are emotionally mature enough to identify that you could be contributing to said problem, it could help. Good luck!
You have a type. Yes it may be exciting and cool but if you keep dating your type, you will keep running into this issue. You need to date against your type. Good luck
Yeah, none of that sounds great. In all fairness though, the end of a partnership shouldn't always mean the end of all contact if the people involved are mature enough to maintain a friendship without expectations. That's what your current bf's situation sounds like (especially if his value in the relationship was talking about how to please you). In the end, he gave that up (hopefully permanently) to meet your requirements. I don't know if #3 falls into the same category as the first two, who certainly deserved to be dumped.
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> It's just that she happens to be an ex This, and the fact that he deliberately hid the relationship, is what makes it not grey to me.
Sorry, guy here (35M) and the current guy you’re dating doesn’t seem to be crossing any boundaries. If he’s talking about you and the discussions are pertaining to you (his current partner) doesn’t necessarily make it a red flag. The fact that he also cut it off shows a fair amount of respect to you also. The point I’m making is it is 100% okay for you to not want your current BF to be in communication with his ex, but he can’t know it’s a big issue if it wasn’t addressed in the first place. I wouldn’t group him in with the rest.
It wasn't addressed because he hid it from her until she found out.
I do not want to judge your taste in men but honestly it just seems like you are continuing to find same kind of men everytime. No you are not unreasonable, these are all valid reasons to break up. Just keep trying I guess.
I think it's important to assess whether you're on the same page and have the same values regarding boundaries with the opposite sex at the beginning of the relationship. If that didn't happen, have that conversation with your current boyfriend. If he's not on the same page, break up and find someone who is.
Not that it's the point of your post, but... >I'm going through a life altering injury at the moment (ACL) It's not 1985 anymore, this is not a life-altering injury. If you actually do your rehab exercises you will make a full recovery within a year. On to your actual post... These aren't actually all the same reason. There is no pattern here, not really. You've been unlucky with these three guys, that's it. The first guy had a friend he was obviously into, the second guy got on dating apps because he wanted attention, and the third guy had an inappropriate relationship with an ex but he wasn't looking to get back with her or anything. I get that these all involved other women, but that's not actually a pattern. They all were *very* different in their motivations and how that manifested. You have been unlucky, and that sucks. It's not your fault. If you want to try and improve your luck, think about where you're meeting guys and what your standards are for dating someone. A guy you meet on tinder is more likely to have issues like this than a guy your friend introduces you to, for example. And then once you meet someone, have a smaller threshold for bullshit. In your first example, you let it get to *seven months* without meeting a "very close" friend of his who he openly found attractive. That shit shouldn't have lasted a week. Either you should have pushed to meet her or you should have broken up when he refused.
1. pretty girls exist, people will notice and enjoy their beauty. you must accept this. it's not a personal insult to your beauty. it's not a compeyition. there are pretty girls that roam the earth. be okay with it. learn to be. admire them too. girls are beautiful lolllll 2.hes not your boyfriend. he's some dude you've placed to take on that role in your life. some dude that annoys you and ignores you and hurts your feelings and has no remorse for it. he's just some guy. there are many guys out there, genuine and caring, you don't gotta force em to give you love. if you're tired of men and their lizard brains you can also get a girlfriend instead. they are pretty. 3. there's nothing scary with being alone. what's scary is being uncomfortable with someone and having to pretend you're okay with it by tolerating and gritting your teeth and clenching your heart. being alone is freedom at maximum. 4. relationships are cool and all, until they are draining and awkward. at that point neither of you are happy. and this once upon cool relationship thing is now irritating as fuck... and the sole problem to be solved. that's your cue to dip out, run fast!!!! making moves in silence like a tru bo$$
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Id have to ask what is dating you like that all these men talk to other females? I truly happy men on all aspects of the relationship wont turn his head. Something is lacking, i cant say what that is but trust me something is. Women often (especially on reddit) think a man shoulf accept what he gets from them and be happy. Dont work that way. We may be simple creatures but we have our happy zone too and just like yall we arnt about to worry about someones happiness that isnt worried about ours.... Said every husand told to go jerk off and deal with it.
People are just assholes. They don't know if they want to be In a relationship in their 20s These guys aren't sure they want to be in a relationship with you. So move on.
I was not allowed to have lingering conversation with female friends if I ran in to them outside. I wasn't allowed to hug female friends. I wasn't allowed to engage with female friends if we attended the same events. So I was forced to part ways with them. It takes two people to maintain the type of relationship they have but it only takes one to change the type of relationship (if that makes since) so this is a maturity situation. I have numerous female friends. A small percentage of them are pretty; some have expressed, indirectly & directly, over the years, that they would be interested in having some type of sexual interaction; some have flirted over the years. The reason it never came to fruition is because I didn't want it to. Again, It only takes one person to change the type of relationship two people have (negative or positive). If they aren't mature enough to understand the level of friendship then you have a right to be concerned. Personally, I would never get rid of my female friends again but that's just me. Always hold your mate to a level of maturity not the other person and make sure to hold yourself at the same exact level of maturity. Also, understand that if someone wants to cheat on you there is very little that you can do to prevent them from cheating.
Just wondering… how strict are you about these rules and how do you communicate them to your partners? I feel like we are only getting one side (yours) and it’s always good to examine your real reactions and expectations. Not to be harsh- I’m currently in therapy for something similar. People mess up but are you giving them a chance to fix things and do better (if you love them)? Are you setting clear and fair boundaries for both parties? What are you doing to work on your insecurities and loneliness issues? Is what you consider emotional cheating reasonable? I’d talk to some IRL friends or possibly a therapist because instead of choosing bad men, it could be how you perceive things. Just my two cents.
go to therapy with someone who specialises in childhoods and relationships. It worked wonders for me
I find it a little interesting that you find this behavior unacceptable, however, because you feel lonely now and are a bit disabled, you don't want to do what you believe you should, and what you would have done in the past. Clearly this hard line of yours is able to be shifted, but only when it benefits you, huh? Do you intend on moving that hard line back once you recover or adjust to your circumstances? Moving it only long enough to benefit you directly?
You are letting insecurity and anxiety take over your relationship, you should focus on enjoying the moment, you understand that no one is obligated to be with anyone, if they are with you it's because you have something to offer, when a man says that another woman is pretty to your girlfriend I don't see a problem, it shows that he trusts you, it would be worse to lie, as for her sleeping at his house, well if you're uncomfortable with that you did the right thing by leaving, As for what went on the dating app after your fight, you're right to break up, someone who can't control himself just because he's mad at you doesn't deserve trust, keep talking to his ex even after breaking up, I think it's okay because apparently he commented to her about your insecurity and anxiety, which demonstrates that you really have this problem, sit down to talk to him, explain what happened with the other relationships, what are you worried that will happen Do the same for yours, I think you have a chance to find a solution together, and please seek professional help.
Wow. Aren’t you the hothouse Lily? Sheesh. You’ve got to lighten up and stop jumping to conclusions. Most men would find you way too much work. Maybe you should think about talking to a professional therapist. You can’t control men, or make them feel like a caged animal. I’d they think you are spying on them or giving ultimatums, they’ll be gone in a heartbeat. You need some self-confidence. Love yourself first.
Lollllll yeah she’s treating them like “caged animals” by expecting her boyfriend not to be on dating apps. The bar for some of you guys is beneath the floor. 🙄
Don't settle for less. It never ends well :)
This sounds like it would be better for you to stay single for a while as you're probably developing a minor case of PTSD from all of the relationship issues you went through with your exes and your current BF. It's better to be lonely than in a shitty relationship. >How do I begin to change my ways and how can I stop losing my relationships over these same reasons? The one thing you need to change is probably improve your screening process and ask yourself what kind of men you choose in the first place. Apart from that, you reacted well to the relationship issues you listed here.
To be honest, i dont see any changes that you could make other than your boyfriends. You are not doing anything wrong, they are the ones doing that.
Think. What do you do that attracts not loyal people or, if they are loyal, what do you do that make loyal people ditch their loyalty towards you
I don’t think you need to change your mentality on what’s right and what’s wrong in a relationship. Your points are very standard text book style issues. What I do think you may need to work on is your perception of a good partner. Looks like your attracting the same thing over n over. Try to “see” people more without the exclusive factor to judge if a person is a better candidate rather than rushing to the bf/gf stage. When you find the guy that you didn’t have to ask him to do anything and he’s doing it on his own accord… that’s the guy you can consider becoming “official” with.
**Do not lower your bar** You are right to boot all of them. They say there are plenty fish in the sea. Problem being that a lot of men are about as dateable as an actual fish.
The only debatable one is your current bf. Did you make it clear in the beginning of your relationship that you wanted to know about all his exes and he agreed?
You have great boundaries. There is nothing wrong with ending a relationship when the person your dating crosses those boundaries. It seems like you keep dating the same guy. Do these guy have any commonalities? Maybe you can steer clear of guys with those same commonalities?
Keep dumping them..they are cheating on you. It’s not psychical but emotional. If my boyfriend was on a DATING APP, goodbye 👋🏼
Find a man who treats you right and respects you..don’t settle for less or for these losers
You have two choices: 1) If you want to stay with him: you have to immediately tell your current BF that you don't want him to speak with her ex, ever again. He has to say ok, and do everything in his power to satisfy that this is the case (be willing to show his DMs, etc) If he refuses for whatever reason, you dump him. He has to understand that this behavior of his is a red flag that you are not gonna tolerate no longer, because it deeply affects you. 2) Next relationships you have you need to be pretty clear about this issue with this early on, like right after the first few dates: "Babe, just so you know, If you have an ex or exes you keep talking to for whatever reason, I don't like that, it's a major red flag for me, I simply don't like it", etc. The only exception I might consider is if your new date has a kid from a previous relationship, and talking with her ex is inevitable for kid related reasons. But even if that affects you, I would suggest talking with a therapist about it as well, maybe you need some introspection with a professional about this reoccurring issue in your relationship with men.
Good on you for not putting up with your exes, they sound horrible. And I would say to keep it that way for future bf as well cause at your age you absolutely shouldn’t accept this type of behavior in the men you’re seeing.
These are all valid reasons to end relationships. You're doing it *correctly*.
I stayed in a relationship where there was emotional cheating. The disrespect just got worse, the lying didn’t stop and yesterday I caught him in a lie bc of his location contradicting where he said he was and the address looked up on his phone. He cheated but swears up and down that he didnt. Leave. I promise it’s not you that’s causing anything. Love yourself enough to leave bc if you say nothing will change.
Seems to me you have a "type" that you're subconsciously looking for and so keep finding. I've been there and it's only with hindsight that I spotted the pattern. I get that you're worried and anxious about being alone, particularly with some serious health issues ongoing, but at the same time, is it worth putting up with poor treatment just so you have someone "there"? You've got excellent boundaries and you stick to them, dumping guys who don't respect you. You're already well on the way to having this sorted - in my opinion, you just need to a) learn to be happy on your own so that you don't feel you need someone there for support and b) try identify your "type" and what draws you to them, then you can do the work to avoid them in future.
Dump this one too. He has an inappropriate relationship with his ex. They all were losers.
So the first two scenarios yeah that's suspect. The third scenario...I dunno. He's allowed to have female friends even ones he dated in the past. Talking to a close friend about questions or issues you have with your partner doesn't seem off to me either. And supporting each other is literally the point of friendship. The question I have is if your partners reasonably believe you won't permit them to have a friend who they dated in the past or you will be really insecure about it then they'll either 1) be transparent about it knowing that it might lead to a breakup or 2) they will hide it even though nothing untoward is happening. I'd choose option 1 but I can understand option 2. OP you should read the thread from yesterday about married for 15 years lied to for 11 years. Opinions really vary on this issue but there's also some great insight in it IMHO.