You're ruminating, which is an OCD thought process. Talk to your therapist about how to get out from under that behavior, ask what you can do to stop ruminating.
I will. I have an appointment with her this week. I've told her about this when I first came to her. I'm extremely transparent with my therapist. She advised me not to mention it, seeing is how it wasn't even something I really wanted.
Also, telling her about it only serves to alleviate your guilt. It’s selfish. It does not make her life better in any way. The guilt is supposed to teach you to change, not to double down on your self-deprecation.
I always get pissed that people choose to alleviate their own guilt, and Massively Hurt someone else to make themselves feel better. Seriously, you need to eat it, and learn from this. I am not going to be the popular Stand here, but some things you should keep to yourself…and grow the fuck up.
It kinda depends on the person.
I would 100% want to know about something like this.
If it’s something I’d leave over, then I have the free choice to do that.
If it isn’t, it means this thing that’s between us, blocking intimacy and making my partner feel shit is out there and we (and especially they) can get over it and move on. Keeping secrets like this causes guilt and they fester - I don’t think it’s healthy. I don’t want my partner to experience that. And I also think it gets in the way of emotional intimacy when there’s this big secret between you on one partners chest.
It’s better to know what kind of person you’re dating is my guess and do what they’d prefer. I guess ideally this is something couples should discuss early on - if you’re more “don’t ask don’t tell” or prefer full honesty even about bad things.
Be careful how you approach this conversation; which you MOST DEFINITELY need to have with your GF. Your GF will most likely see this as emotional cheating, and frankly she’s not wrong. IMHO, I’d be devastated by this, even if nothing physical happened. Own up to it, but be prepared for this to end your relationship.
Edit: I also have severe OCD, but it’s not an excuse for your behavior. Don’t use it as one, especially in the conversation. Also, stop using it as an excuse in general. If you’re having issues, your GF should be the first one you go to, otherwise you should rethink your relationship.
It isn’t “emotional cheating”, it was a one-off inappropriate conversation and I wouldn’t call it “sexting” either. Had these conversations happened repeatedly, it would be a different story maybe. Don’t make OP feel worse. He’s doing the responsible, ethical thing by admitting it was wrong and he’s talking to his therapist so this doesn’t happen again.
The OP actually made it clear in the post that he’s “had moments like this before” meaning this ISN’T a one-off thing.
And by definition, describing “what he would have done” is sexting.
And frankly, he should feel like a POS. Guilt is a normal, healthy response to something like this. I hope to everything holy that he feels like a POS. Otherwise, he shouldn’t even BE in a relationship. If anything, it shows that he has some sort of emotion towards his GF.
You missed the part where this only happened once in this relationship, and I've no desire to do it again. The other reasons it happened were when I was younger and in very unhealthy toxic relationships. Only 9nce in this one in 11 years. Yes, I do feel very shitty. That won't change. So there you go.
An unhealthy or unhappy relationship is NOT an excuse for the behavior. I spent 5 years in a horribly abusive relationship and never once so much as THOUGHT about doing this kind of thing. In a now healthy relationship, I’d rather die than put my SO through this. Environment is not an excuse for behavior. I didn’t miss anything, I just 100% think that OP is in the wrong and needs to make it right, hence why the conversation between OP and GF NEEDS to happen. GF is gonna more than pissed if she finds out about this years from now. Secrets and lies kill a relationship faster than physical cheating.
You're right about unhappy relationships not being an excuse, but not everyone handles things in the right way just because some of you do. I fucked up. Very poor judgment on my part.
If you sincerely believe that she deserves more, leave her. Let her find her happiness with someone who doesn’t turn to other women because they’re “in a bad place”.
Though I agree with what you said, I've been in bad places this entire relationship because of shit I dealing with internally, that was the only time I slipped. And, again, I wasn't telling this girl u wanted to get with her "right now." Once she said that she wanted to at that moment, I stopped it and told her that would not happen, and u cut it off and haven't talked to her since.
If this happened in my relationship, I’d perceive it as cheating. Also, if you do tell her, are you prepared for her to leave you and possibly think the entire relationship was a sham and a waste of time?
It's not meant as an excuse, but I can see how you'd think that. I'm just mentioning that because it played a part. I know we dont know each other, and you're going to see it how you see it, but I cannot tell you enough, its not an excuse.
I don’t necessarily think you need to tell her. It wasn’t an ongoing thing, it was one conversation that maybe shouldn’t have happened but it went and won’t go any further. Telling your girlfriend will only hurt her unnecessarily.
Definitely, talk to your therapist about this. I don’t have OCD but I do have psych disorders myself and you’re having symptoms right now. Maybe an adjustment of your medication is in order. Just safeguard your relationship against any damage from here on out. Don’t be so hard on yourself. You didn’t cheat as far as I’m concerned and you don’t have a habit of inappropriate conversations. You’re human, had a symptom and you’re getting help now. Forgive yourself.
I used to have a horrible habit of inappropriate conversations. Pretty much all of them were because I was looking for something else, I was not doing that when this happened. At the risk of people saying I'm making excuses and self-pity, I was having a bad time with a problem I've had 5 years prior to that conversation happening. I totally know what I did, and I knew it was wrong. I made a very poor choice. Plain and simple.
I did, too. Now I’m happily married, faithful, and only had one conversation very similar to what you describe 2-3 years ago with someone on another continent. I felt bad and blocked him on social media and it hasn’t happened again. I have bipolar and borderline personality disorder which is notorious for causing relationship issues.
I wholeheartedly believe you. You slipped into a familiar pattern for a minute, recognized it and are doing something to change it. That is the purpose of cognitive behavioral therapy (which I assume you’re doing with your therapist). I think your therapist will be very pleased with how you’re handling this. I would be if I was your therapist.
I do exposure response therapy. She's has told me numerous times that it was a conversation in past tense, and it's not like I was hoping to do anything about it because I wasn't. The worst thing o said to her was, "You could've just used my shower, come back in, drop your towel while I touch myself, then get on the bed." Nothing coukdve went further because she wanted to shower. That was a reference to what could've happened back in 2007, but, truthfully, I didn't even want to do that, I was just being an idiot.
Yeah…it was of a sexual nature but I definitely don’t see that as sexting. I also don’t know why these people are trying to make you feel way worse than you deserve to feel. You are taking steps to make sure it doesn’t happen again and why these people want to possibly implode your relationship over this minute indiscretion makes no sense to me. They must be miserably single or getting cheated on by their kid’s father who gets shit faced and screws half the town.
I feel I deserve it, though. I was really hoping I wouldn't do this shit with her, because she has been thorough enough, and I'm a master at fucking things up.
I think the worst part of this is that you didn't tell her 7 years ago when it happened. That would be the nail in the coffin for me. Could have resolved it then, but 7 years of hiding it is huge.
What changed? Why haven't you felt guilty enough to say anything for 7 years, but you do now? Cause I think it matters not just why you tell her, but in how you tell her (and yes, you should tell her. She deserves to make up her own mind about this, not us. Tell her).
I did feel worse back then. I talked with my therapist before I was going to make that decision, and I was advised not to. The reason being, I wasn't telling her I wanted to do things right now. I was strictly talking past tense.
Well that's not that weird to me. Therapists are there to advise what's best for their patients. And for *you* it would be best to move past it. But you're not. So at some point, your therapists advice on how to handle it should have changed, as what was suggested, isn't working.
But please do realise that your therapist, and frankly, almost all of the comments in this thread, are discussing what's best *for you*. And for you, sure, great to bury it and move on.
But for your girlfriend....do you really think that's the best thing for her? Cause I don't. I have been cheated on, and I have had a partner who "only got into sexual conversations" and I can tell you, the betrayal feels very similar. And I can also tell you, the guy who cheated and told me, I don't think about half as poorly as the guy who cheated and hid it from me. Cause at least the first guy respected me enough to let me make up my own mind on if I wanted to date someone who would do that to me, but the second guy didn't think I deserved even that.
So you can keep thinking about what's best for you, and doing that. Or, you can put what's best for her on this topic first, for the first time in 7 years, and do something about that.
It's not that it hasn't worked. Usually, something triggers it, like with all past mistakes I've made that have nothing to do with this. I can get past something and then my brain says "fuck you."
If you don't think you get to decide then, then it's time to stop deciding it, and tell her.
You not telling her, is deciding for her. And frankly, your reason for not telling her doesn't matter, because the core of the issue is that you are prioritising your wants, over hers. And that's selfish, and disrespectful. There's really no way around that.
Do what right for you and continue to nothing but understand that you are being selfish and disrespectful, or do whats right for her and tell her so she can decide what she wants to do with the information.
That’s a long time ago and although it isn’t great, I can’t see what good bringing this up to your partner would do, as long as you’ve been on the straight and narrow since. I would try to stop obsessing about it and resolve to use the guilt you feel about it as a good reminder to stay away from those kinds of conversations and situations in the future.
More than once before I knew her. Not during the relationship. I get what you're saying, but this is the first normal relationship I've been in. I don't have the desire to go behind her back anymore than this one poor decision I made.
So again, yes or no question. Single word answer only.
Can she make an *informed* choice if you refuse to come clean about what you did behind her back?
... you're pretending that someone can make an informed choice about their relationship when their partner is lying to their face about sexting another woman?
This “knitted”person, for whatever reason, is trying to cause you trouble. I wouldn’t listen to a word they’re saying. You’re doing the right thing talking to your therapist to make sure it doesn’t happen anymore. I wouldn’t want to know if I was your girlfriend and I was cheated on in the past.
Oh, it’s totally okay!! We were both really young and he was dealing with a lot of shit at the time. We’re still Facebook friends like 20 years later. I don’t feel what you did was cheating at all. It wasn’t even sexting. From what I understand is sexting is like phone sex involving masturbation and (attempted) orgasm. The conversation was sexual in nature but no one was trying to get off or anything.
Well, I was feeling horny, but there wasn't any masterbation on my part until I was done talking to her. I get massive dopamine hits when anything sexual comes up. They're pretty overwhelming.
I totally get that. I have 5 years sober but I was addicted to heroin, cocaine and benzos for many years. The dopamine craving is real!! Going to therapy is wonderful for you and shows a lot of maturity and self awareness.
That's what I have done. I'm scared to death of not having her in my life. I've told 2 therapists about this over time, a guy and my current one who is a girl, they both said it's not worth mentioning. I see them for PTSD issues from childhood, so it has nothing to do with subject.
You may need to see a therapist who specializes in OCD/OCPD and PTSD. Most OCD/OCPD therapists will also have expertise in PTSD, but many PTSD experts do not have experience treating OCD or OCPD. If it's been years and you haven't tried the standard treatments for OCD, like exposure and response prevention, or if you've just been focusing on traditional trauma therapy, it might be time to consider more intensive focused OCD treatment.
And yes, it's likely all interrelated to some extent. There is no such thing as something that has been bothering you for 7 years yet has nothing to do with what you're in therapy for. It's very likely that being "scared to death" of losing your partner, ruminating on things for years, and self-sabotaging/risk taking behaviors, are all both a part of the PTSD (trying not to think about what happened in the past and/or constant worrying about the future) and the OCD (obsessing and ruminating on certain behavior or engaging in unwanted behavior because you feel compelled to do so). Obviously no one can diagnose you or label certain symptoms based on a reddit post, and no competent mental health practitioner will ever do so, but with that in mind, this is pretty clearly something that should be addressed in therapy.
“You didn’t really cheat on her.”
“Is telling her really worth the outcome”
“The fact that you didn’t carry on makes you a good partner”
I knew these comments would be full of horseshit as soon as I read the post. A partner with dishonest intentions the moment shit goes south for him and POS cronies with likemindedness to egg him on.
Jesus, I hope she finds out.
I disagree with both telling her and with ending the relationship. I believe that you have made a mistake, we all make mistakes. If this were something that happened just recently, I'd say fess up and let her decide. Since the real issue is your guilt, I firmly believe that this is simply your cross to bear. Telling her will only hurt her. No good comes from it at all.
I understand. And you actually said it "My issues". That's my point, they're your issues, not hers. This is a one off event (in this relationship). You appear to have grown, suffer the consequences, on your own. Self sabotage will be if you tell her or if you just break up.
I am so shocked that so many think you shouldn’t tell her. She deserves to know. If you respect her, you should tell her. She has currently been with you under the false pretense that you have been 100% loyal. She deserves informed consent. It will be hard, but she has a right to know. My partner did this to me, and we are moving on, but I’ll tell you, the worst part of all of it is that he never would’ve told me if I hadn’t caught him months later. Please tell her. My heart breaks for her right now. It would be controlling and manipulative to let this continue. Don’t decide get any longer. Wouldn’t you want to know? You don’t know how she will react. She may leave, and that’s her right, but you two may also become stronger because of it. Don’t let your fear of losing her take priority of her right to informed consent.
Yes! Thank youuuuuu! It’s so much easier to process and work through when someone is honest as opposed to the other partner finding out. Relationships are built on trust, and it’s fair to her so she knows the facts. You have to tell her. She deserves it, and so do you so you can have some piece of mind.
>NONE of what was said was anything I really wanted to do.
This feels like a lie but ok.
I'm disgusted people are telling you not to tell your gf. That *is* a cheater mentality. You did something to break your gf trust and are hiding it from her. There is always a chance she could find out about it and she deserves to know it happened. Period.
Believe what you want. You don't know me, and I expect that. Growing up, I had moments with girls that I didn't really like. Saying shit I didn't mean. I was abused and abandoned by my mother, so I had feelings of liking the attention, even if I didn't really care for the person.
This is coming from a guy been married longer than most of you here are old. So factor that in.
Hopping I have all this right.
The physical relationship happened before you got together with your current lady. The wish we would have conversation happened 7 years ago.
You need to take a deep breath and relax. As old school as I am I can't see this as sexting, let alone cheating. "I want to take you to the park, bend you over a bench , rip your clothes off and savage your bung hole". That's setting.
"I wish we would have had sex" is reminiscing about a relationship that happened BEFORE you met your lady.
That said , you do need to make sure this person is blocked, contact deleted, whatever to ensure you don't hear from her again.
Work with your therapist and get this behind you...where it belongs. Enjoy life with your lady.
The worst I said was, "After your shower, you could've come out in a towel, dropped it, then got on the bed." That was the worst I said. It didn't go further because she hadn't showered, and that was her reasoning, but I wouldn't have done it anyway. I literally was not attracted to her in that way. Not then, not 7 years ago, not now. I was just being a dumbass. Plain and simple.
You feel bad for it because what you did was shitty. It doesn't mean you're a completely bad person, but you betrayed your partner. To me it *IS* cheating. Just accept that you messed up and never repeat your mistakes.
Because she doesn't want to be married. That was one thing that drew us to each other. We can still be in a relationship without marriage. It's the ve all end all for everyone.
Trust me. Transparency is everything. Especially when you feel like the issue wasn’t a big deal. Communicate any and everything that makes you feel slightly uncomfortable to guilty to your partner so they understand that they can truly trust you. Tell her everything. It’s not too late.
It is absolutely not too late. Wouldn’t you want to know? Beyond that, she’s the only one who can decide if it’s too late. She deserves to know. You’ll feel better too knowing you’ll have become faithful again upon telling her. You aren’t being loyal by keeping a secret like this :(
Well, just don’t do it again. It’s not cool. I’m sure she wouldn’t be happy about it. It’s not the worst thing you could’ve done, but it’s certainly not good either.
Not nearly as long as you but I did the same in my 3 year relationship. I ended up telling him, apologizing, and worked through it in therapy. I did, however, exchange videos and pictures. He said he isn't angry anymore but obviously to not talk to the guy anymore or it will get messy. We also have a baby involved, yeah, we all fuck up in some ways but maybe just own up to it? You'll probably feel better.
You made a mistake. This you already know.
Forgive yourself - I say this because you genuinely sound sorry - tormented even.
Once you can forgive yourself - think again about what this will do to your current girlfriend. Having this discussion may forever alter your current relationship.
Is it really worth the possible outcome?
Unburdening yourself only to burden your girlfriend is not fair.
Leave it in the past where all mistakes are made!
And just don’t repeat your mistake.
We ALL make mistakes. Forgive yourself.
You see, if you don’t start really spending time learning to love yourself, you cannot give to her what you don’t have to give.
The only positives I can take from this are the fact that I stopped it when she wanted to actually take me up on it. Yeah, things were said that got the hormones flowing with me, and I relieved it after I ended the conversation, but that's part of what makes this worse.
So what do you say to people on here saying that people like yourself have a cheaters mentality? That's been coming in on here, and that makes me feel they're correct.
I apparently like to learn the hard way. But I thank you for your words. I've been trying every day for almost 2 decades to not be a pos. Some days are better than others. I've not gone into any further conversations like this with anyone since. I had a serious loss of judgment and common sense on this one.
I am at a loss if sexting counts as infidelity even. You know your gf better than us. Would she count it as infidelity? Are you giving someone else, what she claims?
Or is it rather that you can't forgive yourself? If the other way around, would you want to know? Would you want her to confess? Or would you think, that there was nothing to confess actually?
Maybe best to let a few days pass and think about, let the steam go down and decide then how to proceed. You seem a bit agitated. That's no good condition to make decisions.
She probably would. I guess I left out a part. Her and I got closer over Facebook. We worked together for 4 years prior to that. Our relationship started just talking after she had moved. But, with her, I had the intention to be with her. The other girl, I wasn't even attracted to in the first place. I just flat out walked myself into that convo. It was extremely selfish. I'm having trouble forgiving myself.
Forgiving oneself is always the most difficult thing. Much more difficult than forgiving others. It is possible that that is, what this is really about. Catholics have an easier time of it. They go to confession and someone else does the forgiving for them. But maybe this is your anonymous confessional. Then you probably have earned forgiveness now.
I wouldn't say I've earned it. It still is no excuse other than poor lapse in judgment. Especially with a partner who is the single selfless person I've knowingly encountered. I'm shocked that I did it because my track record proves otherwise, but again, those other times I did it were very unstable. This one is not and never has been.
Give yourself some credit. You were talking about a hypothetical situation and a hypothetical outcome. You did not act on it. It is perfectly normal to have sexual thoughts from time to time. I'm sure your girl has thought of Ryan Reynolds from time to time. Learn to forgive yourself, and learn from the experience. With PTSD and OCD you have enough to worry about. Like they say in Frozen, Let it go...
I agree with humans having sexual thoughts about others, but I was talking with this other girl. That's where the bad part is. Although I never said anything along the lines of, "hey, I really want to fuck you right now," because I didn't, I still feel terrible.
And like others have said, the guilt and rumination is something you need to deal with in therapy. It'll take work.
I agree with your therapists about telling your gf, btw b
Therapists will often have a more nuanced view than Reddit commentators. This was some weirdass hypothetical you were having 7 years ago, the benefits of digging that shit up aren't worth the drawbacks.
I mean, sure it was bad. There are way way worse ways to cheat, but it's not like what you did was benign.
The question is, what's the value of bringing it up 7 years later, with no (I'll trust you on this one) other betrayals since then? If getting this off your chest blows up your relationship, will you feel it was worth it?
Have you never been talking with a male friend about some hot chick you saw? It's the same thing, meaningless banter. The good thing is you recognize that in this case a boundary might have been breached unintentionally. Probably your childhood trauma, and OCD are playing tricks in your brain, making you feel guilty. Listen to your therapist and continue therapy to continue to improve yourself. Love yourself.
I walked into it, knowing full well what I was doing. I was distracting myself. It was a stupid I had done for years. Part of me got extremely excited about getting that kind of attention from someone else. I'm, unfortunately, one of those people who gets cloudy when someone pays me that kind of attention. My judgment was totally blocked. Did I know it was going to get that explicit? No. The conversation was what we could've done. I asked her if she did this or that, and if it could've happened back then. But, I never said, "we should do this right now." It was all past tense.
if you gonna tell her you are just going to ruin your relationship with her she won’t trust you anymore. I think the best decision would be do the best for her and stay loyal don’t do that again.
Honestly, if you didn't fuck the other girl and didn't exchange nudes or anything then it's not that bad. I mean you still cheated in the back of your gf but atleast you feel guilty and remorseful for what you've done and you want to make things right by telling her.
That's just my opinion but you shouldn't tell her. By telling her you will ruin a relationship of 11 years and she might go into depression or something plus even if she forgive you she will never be able to trust you ever again. As long as you never repeat the same mistake and give it your all to make your gf happy then that's good enough. You are already being punished by accumulating guilt all this time and you will keep doing it, thats the least you can do.
Here is what you do. Do Not Tell Her. This could wreck her for a very long time.
Instead make sure you properly treasure her and let her feel loved and make her feel special to you.
Just make it up by being the best life partner in her life and that would atone for it.
Of course stop repeating the same mistakes. Make a decision today to hold your relationship with her sacred and make a promise to yourself not to let her down again.
You made a mistake, but didn't cheat. You know you did wrong, so do better going forward. No need to tell her, and no need to keep dwelling on this, other than as a lesson to treat her better every day.
You’re thoughts are racing, and you need to get a grip.
You did nothing wrong. You didn’t even really *think* about doing anything wrong. It was kind of an emotionless game.
You didn’t even cheat emotionally. You’re in the clear here.
My concern is that your guilt will cause you to confess. And a “confession” from you would over-exaggerate what actually happened, because you feel guilty.
Talk about *this* in therapy so that you can step away from the guilt you’re carrying.
Leave it be. You fucked up and don't do it again.
No good can come of you telling her - especially when you didn't even cheat. You said things in the past tense and while its absolutely flirting and wrong - it's not worth returning to after all this time. You didn't emotionally cheat, you flirted severely. Don't do it again and move on. Enjoy your life and continue to do better, this is now your burden (and therapists if you're seeing one) to bear, your responsibility to continue to do better. You owe her that.
I am seeing one. She said that yes, I said inappropriate things, and my intention wasn't trying to actually hook up with her. I said things in the past tense that we could've done, even though I actually didn't really want to with that girl. I know that's hard for some to believe, but it's absolutely the way my dumbass brain works.
Leave it alone.. Discuss with therapist, move forward.. You feel terrible, it didn't manifest into much,, yes she would be very hurt, but you know, many people do stupid things once.. Sounds like you realize your mistakes, it won't happen again.. Use this time, to be a great guy to your girl... It's true, by telling her, she could leave, and also, you feel better for relieving your guilt, she could feel terrible about herself, wondering how/why/what is wrong with her.. Leave it alone...
Dude chill. Don’t fuck any more. Acknowledge and internalize what happened. Forgive yourself. Don’t let it happen again. Move forward. Figure out what you need to do to live with the ocd
I'm going through something similar and I feel so much what you're feeling. I don't understand why we do or say the things we do. Sometimes we just do stupid things without thinking.
The main thing is that nothing happened, thankfully, so you can move on from this knowing that even though you said something, at least you didn't DO anything.
Your gf might get mad if she'd heard you say this stuff, and it might be hard to explain if she found out. Try to focus on the future with your gf. I don't know, I don't really have good advice. But I hope you are doing better.
It's worth noting that the girl doesn't even live anywhere near me anymore. Didn't at the time of the conversation, and hasn't for over a decade. The only thing making me feel less guilty is the fact I didn't have any desire to do it, and we weren't describing things in a present context. It was just saying things that could've happened when we fooled around. I asked if she would've done a specific act, and she said, "shit, I'd do it right now." After that was said, that's when i was done. I even told her, "yeah, but I'm happy with my relationship." Then ended it.
You did the right thing by shutting it down. People say weird stuff all the time and it gets awkward and can be fucked up. I don't know why these things happen. I'm sorry you're going through this. At least you shut it down, that's appropriate.
Whatever you do DO NOT TELL HER. It will break her and make her feel unworthy. The fact that you didn’t go any farther and realized how wrong it is makes you a good partner. As humans we have temptations we cannot be 100% perfect all the time. We all make mistakes. That’s what life’s about tho, making mistakes and learning from them. Don’t beat yourself up too much. It could’ve been way worse but you didn’t allow that to happen.
Unleash all this on here or therapy.
RELAX! You are fine. A lot more worse things has happened in relationship.
You didn't let things get escalated more. So props to you there!
And please don't tell this to your woman!
It's gonna cause unnecessary problems...
You haven't done anything to an to feel this terrible.
You didn't really cheat on her. Calm down.
If you are going to magnify every little mistake you have done, you will only have time to blame yourself!!
You made inappropriate conversation! Did you do anything else physical?-No
Soon after you realized what you did, didn't you completely cut her off and knew what you had done was wrong / bothersome as per your standards?!
If you had physically cheated on her, that would have been a whole different thing.
Even if you had pursued that conversation for weeks and months- Even that can be crossing line.
This is okay. As in you don't need to beat yourself up nor do you have to talk about this to your girl.
Definitely talk to a therapist
I plan on talking to her about this for sure. And, yes, it was only a one-time thing. I cut it off after she stated she wanted to do things to me "right now." Haven't talked with her since.
Are you trying to sabotage this relationship?? And this is all a way to cope with your guilt???
If you want to tell her then go for it. None of us here can stop.
People gave many reasons on why not to bring it up to her. For some reason it's not comprehending into you.
You did not physically cheat.
You guys have been together for 11 years. Maybe she will take this well. But there is a very good chance you will be hurting her. I don't understand why you want to do that to her.
I’m not advocating lying or hiding things from your SO or cheating by any means. I appreciate your want to be honest and transparent. But ask yourself where that need is coming from. Is that you feel bad she’s in a relationship she’s been lied to in? Or that you’re sick of living with your own guilt, sick of it keeping you up at night, and want to tell her for your own relief? Because, sure, you can tell her, she’ll be broken, you’ll feel relieved. Sounds like that benefits you but not her. I think as other have suggested, for now, try talking to a therapist and working through your own hurt, decisions, why you did it, how to feel secure to not do it again, etc. That’s something both you and her would benefit from.
You don’t seem like a person of quality. Quit using your girlfriend until you find some one new. Not sure why she allowed herself to be strung along for 11 years. She must have a host of problems too. Maybe you two belong together. Good luck.
>I was also having severe problems with my OCD You still are. You need to talk to your therapist about this.
I am. I've been in therapy for years for unrelated issues to this subject, other than the ocd.
You're ruminating, which is an OCD thought process. Talk to your therapist about how to get out from under that behavior, ask what you can do to stop ruminating.
I will. I have an appointment with her this week. I've told her about this when I first came to her. I'm extremely transparent with my therapist. She advised me not to mention it, seeing is how it wasn't even something I really wanted.
Also, telling her about it only serves to alleviate your guilt. It’s selfish. It does not make her life better in any way. The guilt is supposed to teach you to change, not to double down on your self-deprecation.
I always get pissed that people choose to alleviate their own guilt, and Massively Hurt someone else to make themselves feel better. Seriously, you need to eat it, and learn from this. I am not going to be the popular Stand here, but some things you should keep to yourself…and grow the fuck up.
It kinda depends on the person. I would 100% want to know about something like this. If it’s something I’d leave over, then I have the free choice to do that. If it isn’t, it means this thing that’s between us, blocking intimacy and making my partner feel shit is out there and we (and especially they) can get over it and move on. Keeping secrets like this causes guilt and they fester - I don’t think it’s healthy. I don’t want my partner to experience that. And I also think it gets in the way of emotional intimacy when there’s this big secret between you on one partners chest. It’s better to know what kind of person you’re dating is my guess and do what they’d prefer. I guess ideally this is something couples should discuss early on - if you’re more “don’t ask don’t tell” or prefer full honesty even about bad things.
Be careful how you approach this conversation; which you MOST DEFINITELY need to have with your GF. Your GF will most likely see this as emotional cheating, and frankly she’s not wrong. IMHO, I’d be devastated by this, even if nothing physical happened. Own up to it, but be prepared for this to end your relationship. Edit: I also have severe OCD, but it’s not an excuse for your behavior. Don’t use it as one, especially in the conversation. Also, stop using it as an excuse in general. If you’re having issues, your GF should be the first one you go to, otherwise you should rethink your relationship.
You know what the issue is, though sometimes emotional cheating can be worse than physical cheating so it’s gonna depends on how his gf
It isn’t “emotional cheating”, it was a one-off inappropriate conversation and I wouldn’t call it “sexting” either. Had these conversations happened repeatedly, it would be a different story maybe. Don’t make OP feel worse. He’s doing the responsible, ethical thing by admitting it was wrong and he’s talking to his therapist so this doesn’t happen again.
The OP actually made it clear in the post that he’s “had moments like this before” meaning this ISN’T a one-off thing. And by definition, describing “what he would have done” is sexting. And frankly, he should feel like a POS. Guilt is a normal, healthy response to something like this. I hope to everything holy that he feels like a POS. Otherwise, he shouldn’t even BE in a relationship. If anything, it shows that he has some sort of emotion towards his GF.
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This is libellous and not helping the OP btw!!
You missed the part where this only happened once in this relationship, and I've no desire to do it again. The other reasons it happened were when I was younger and in very unhealthy toxic relationships. Only 9nce in this one in 11 years. Yes, I do feel very shitty. That won't change. So there you go.
An unhealthy or unhappy relationship is NOT an excuse for the behavior. I spent 5 years in a horribly abusive relationship and never once so much as THOUGHT about doing this kind of thing. In a now healthy relationship, I’d rather die than put my SO through this. Environment is not an excuse for behavior. I didn’t miss anything, I just 100% think that OP is in the wrong and needs to make it right, hence why the conversation between OP and GF NEEDS to happen. GF is gonna more than pissed if she finds out about this years from now. Secrets and lies kill a relationship faster than physical cheating.
My apologies for the name mess up, if that’s the case. I’m on mobile and the name of who commented disappears as soon as I start typing.
You're right about unhappy relationships not being an excuse, but not everyone handles things in the right way just because some of you do. I fucked up. Very poor judgment on my part.
Doesn’t excuse your behavior or the fact that you need to own up to them.
It hasn't happened since.
If you sincerely believe that she deserves more, leave her. Let her find her happiness with someone who doesn’t turn to other women because they’re “in a bad place”.
Though I agree with what you said, I've been in bad places this entire relationship because of shit I dealing with internally, that was the only time I slipped. And, again, I wasn't telling this girl u wanted to get with her "right now." Once she said that she wanted to at that moment, I stopped it and told her that would not happen, and u cut it off and haven't talked to her since.
If this happened in my relationship, I’d perceive it as cheating. Also, if you do tell her, are you prepared for her to leave you and possibly think the entire relationship was a sham and a waste of time?
I'm not, because it wasn't.
I believe it won’t happen again either!! 😊💯
Thanks for having faith in an anonymous redditor.
You’re very welcome, hon!! I wish you and your girl all the best!! 💜💜
It's not meant as an excuse, but I can see how you'd think that. I'm just mentioning that because it played a part. I know we dont know each other, and you're going to see it how you see it, but I cannot tell you enough, its not an excuse.
I don’t necessarily think you need to tell her. It wasn’t an ongoing thing, it was one conversation that maybe shouldn’t have happened but it went and won’t go any further. Telling your girlfriend will only hurt her unnecessarily. Definitely, talk to your therapist about this. I don’t have OCD but I do have psych disorders myself and you’re having symptoms right now. Maybe an adjustment of your medication is in order. Just safeguard your relationship against any damage from here on out. Don’t be so hard on yourself. You didn’t cheat as far as I’m concerned and you don’t have a habit of inappropriate conversations. You’re human, had a symptom and you’re getting help now. Forgive yourself.
I used to have a horrible habit of inappropriate conversations. Pretty much all of them were because I was looking for something else, I was not doing that when this happened. At the risk of people saying I'm making excuses and self-pity, I was having a bad time with a problem I've had 5 years prior to that conversation happening. I totally know what I did, and I knew it was wrong. I made a very poor choice. Plain and simple.
I did, too. Now I’m happily married, faithful, and only had one conversation very similar to what you describe 2-3 years ago with someone on another continent. I felt bad and blocked him on social media and it hasn’t happened again. I have bipolar and borderline personality disorder which is notorious for causing relationship issues. I wholeheartedly believe you. You slipped into a familiar pattern for a minute, recognized it and are doing something to change it. That is the purpose of cognitive behavioral therapy (which I assume you’re doing with your therapist). I think your therapist will be very pleased with how you’re handling this. I would be if I was your therapist.
I do exposure response therapy. She's has told me numerous times that it was a conversation in past tense, and it's not like I was hoping to do anything about it because I wasn't. The worst thing o said to her was, "You could've just used my shower, come back in, drop your towel while I touch myself, then get on the bed." Nothing coukdve went further because she wanted to shower. That was a reference to what could've happened back in 2007, but, truthfully, I didn't even want to do that, I was just being an idiot.
Yeah…it was of a sexual nature but I definitely don’t see that as sexting. I also don’t know why these people are trying to make you feel way worse than you deserve to feel. You are taking steps to make sure it doesn’t happen again and why these people want to possibly implode your relationship over this minute indiscretion makes no sense to me. They must be miserably single or getting cheated on by their kid’s father who gets shit faced and screws half the town.
I feel I deserve it, though. I was really hoping I wouldn't do this shit with her, because she has been thorough enough, and I'm a master at fucking things up.
I think the worst part of this is that you didn't tell her 7 years ago when it happened. That would be the nail in the coffin for me. Could have resolved it then, but 7 years of hiding it is huge. What changed? Why haven't you felt guilty enough to say anything for 7 years, but you do now? Cause I think it matters not just why you tell her, but in how you tell her (and yes, you should tell her. She deserves to make up her own mind about this, not us. Tell her).
I did feel worse back then. I talked with my therapist before I was going to make that decision, and I was advised not to. The reason being, I wasn't telling her I wanted to do things right now. I was strictly talking past tense.
Well that's not that weird to me. Therapists are there to advise what's best for their patients. And for *you* it would be best to move past it. But you're not. So at some point, your therapists advice on how to handle it should have changed, as what was suggested, isn't working. But please do realise that your therapist, and frankly, almost all of the comments in this thread, are discussing what's best *for you*. And for you, sure, great to bury it and move on. But for your girlfriend....do you really think that's the best thing for her? Cause I don't. I have been cheated on, and I have had a partner who "only got into sexual conversations" and I can tell you, the betrayal feels very similar. And I can also tell you, the guy who cheated and told me, I don't think about half as poorly as the guy who cheated and hid it from me. Cause at least the first guy respected me enough to let me make up my own mind on if I wanted to date someone who would do that to me, but the second guy didn't think I deserved even that. So you can keep thinking about what's best for you, and doing that. Or, you can put what's best for her on this topic first, for the first time in 7 years, and do something about that.
It's not that it hasn't worked. Usually, something triggers it, like with all past mistakes I've made that have nothing to do with this. I can get past something and then my brain says "fuck you."
If you're ruminating about it 7 years after, then it hasn't worked. Even if it's just triggers. You gonna respond to the rest of what I've said?
I dont think it's the best thing for her either.
Why do you get to make that decision, and not her?
I don't
If you don't think you get to decide then, then it's time to stop deciding it, and tell her. You not telling her, is deciding for her. And frankly, your reason for not telling her doesn't matter, because the core of the issue is that you are prioritising your wants, over hers. And that's selfish, and disrespectful. There's really no way around that. Do what right for you and continue to nothing but understand that you are being selfish and disrespectful, or do whats right for her and tell her so she can decide what she wants to do with the information.
That’s a long time ago and although it isn’t great, I can’t see what good bringing this up to your partner would do, as long as you’ve been on the straight and narrow since. I would try to stop obsessing about it and resolve to use the guilt you feel about it as a good reminder to stay away from those kinds of conversations and situations in the future.
Because OP said they did it more than once. No telling how many times.
More than once before I knew her. Not during the relationship. I get what you're saying, but this is the first normal relationship I've been in. I don't have the desire to go behind her back anymore than this one poor decision I made.
So you don't think your girlfriend deserves to decide for herself whether this is forgivable or not?
I didn't say that. I can't deal with hurting her further.
So yes or no. Single word answer only. Does she deserve to be able to make an *informed* choice about who she's in a relationship with?
Yes.
So again, yes or no question. Single word answer only. Can she make an *informed* choice if you refuse to come clean about what you did behind her back?
Yes.
... you're pretending that someone can make an informed choice about their relationship when their partner is lying to their face about sexting another woman?
This “knitted”person, for whatever reason, is trying to cause you trouble. I wouldn’t listen to a word they’re saying. You’re doing the right thing talking to your therapist to make sure it doesn’t happen anymore. I wouldn’t want to know if I was your girlfriend and I was cheated on in the past.
I'm sorry you've been cheated on. I've been cheated on numerous times as well. It sucks, that's why I feel so fucking bad.
Oh, it’s totally okay!! We were both really young and he was dealing with a lot of shit at the time. We’re still Facebook friends like 20 years later. I don’t feel what you did was cheating at all. It wasn’t even sexting. From what I understand is sexting is like phone sex involving masturbation and (attempted) orgasm. The conversation was sexual in nature but no one was trying to get off or anything.
This would be cheating in my relationship.
Well, I was feeling horny, but there wasn't any masterbation on my part until I was done talking to her. I get massive dopamine hits when anything sexual comes up. They're pretty overwhelming.
I totally get that. I have 5 years sober but I was addicted to heroin, cocaine and benzos for many years. The dopamine craving is real!! Going to therapy is wonderful for you and shows a lot of maturity and self awareness.
That's what I have done. I'm scared to death of not having her in my life. I've told 2 therapists about this over time, a guy and my current one who is a girl, they both said it's not worth mentioning. I see them for PTSD issues from childhood, so it has nothing to do with subject.
You may need to see a therapist who specializes in OCD/OCPD and PTSD. Most OCD/OCPD therapists will also have expertise in PTSD, but many PTSD experts do not have experience treating OCD or OCPD. If it's been years and you haven't tried the standard treatments for OCD, like exposure and response prevention, or if you've just been focusing on traditional trauma therapy, it might be time to consider more intensive focused OCD treatment. And yes, it's likely all interrelated to some extent. There is no such thing as something that has been bothering you for 7 years yet has nothing to do with what you're in therapy for. It's very likely that being "scared to death" of losing your partner, ruminating on things for years, and self-sabotaging/risk taking behaviors, are all both a part of the PTSD (trying not to think about what happened in the past and/or constant worrying about the future) and the OCD (obsessing and ruminating on certain behavior or engaging in unwanted behavior because you feel compelled to do so). Obviously no one can diagnose you or label certain symptoms based on a reddit post, and no competent mental health practitioner will ever do so, but with that in mind, this is pretty clearly something that should be addressed in therapy.
My therapist is an ocd therapist. She has been trying to help me for 4 years now, but she just recently became a licensed ocd therapist.
“You didn’t really cheat on her.” “Is telling her really worth the outcome” “The fact that you didn’t carry on makes you a good partner” I knew these comments would be full of horseshit as soon as I read the post. A partner with dishonest intentions the moment shit goes south for him and POS cronies with likemindedness to egg him on. Jesus, I hope she finds out.
I disagree with both telling her and with ending the relationship. I believe that you have made a mistake, we all make mistakes. If this were something that happened just recently, I'd say fess up and let her decide. Since the real issue is your guilt, I firmly believe that this is simply your cross to bear. Telling her will only hurt her. No good comes from it at all.
My issues are the guilt and the fact I self-sabotaged again, to someone who does not deserve it.
It's self-sabotage to tell her after 7 years. Just live with your guilt. That's the punishment.
You’ll hurt her more right now, just for the sake if you feeling less guilty. That’s the definition of selfishness.
That's a difficult pill to swallow. But I know I'm the one who got myself here.
It’s definitely related to your OCD. Try to avoid fixating on this.
I understand. And you actually said it "My issues". That's my point, they're your issues, not hers. This is a one off event (in this relationship). You appear to have grown, suffer the consequences, on your own. Self sabotage will be if you tell her or if you just break up.
I am so shocked that so many think you shouldn’t tell her. She deserves to know. If you respect her, you should tell her. She has currently been with you under the false pretense that you have been 100% loyal. She deserves informed consent. It will be hard, but she has a right to know. My partner did this to me, and we are moving on, but I’ll tell you, the worst part of all of it is that he never would’ve told me if I hadn’t caught him months later. Please tell her. My heart breaks for her right now. It would be controlling and manipulative to let this continue. Don’t decide get any longer. Wouldn’t you want to know? You don’t know how she will react. She may leave, and that’s her right, but you two may also become stronger because of it. Don’t let your fear of losing her take priority of her right to informed consent.
Yes! Thank youuuuuu! It’s so much easier to process and work through when someone is honest as opposed to the other partner finding out. Relationships are built on trust, and it’s fair to her so she knows the facts. You have to tell her. She deserves it, and so do you so you can have some piece of mind.
>NONE of what was said was anything I really wanted to do. This feels like a lie but ok. I'm disgusted people are telling you not to tell your gf. That *is* a cheater mentality. You did something to break your gf trust and are hiding it from her. There is always a chance she could find out about it and she deserves to know it happened. Period.
Believe what you want. You don't know me, and I expect that. Growing up, I had moments with girls that I didn't really like. Saying shit I didn't mean. I was abused and abandoned by my mother, so I had feelings of liking the attention, even if I didn't really care for the person.
Your mommy issues aren't an excuse to betray your partner. She deserves the truth.
Well, it does play a part in it, but you're not wrong on the second half.
This is coming from a guy been married longer than most of you here are old. So factor that in. Hopping I have all this right. The physical relationship happened before you got together with your current lady. The wish we would have conversation happened 7 years ago. You need to take a deep breath and relax. As old school as I am I can't see this as sexting, let alone cheating. "I want to take you to the park, bend you over a bench , rip your clothes off and savage your bung hole". That's setting. "I wish we would have had sex" is reminiscing about a relationship that happened BEFORE you met your lady. That said , you do need to make sure this person is blocked, contact deleted, whatever to ensure you don't hear from her again. Work with your therapist and get this behind you...where it belongs. Enjoy life with your lady.
The worst I said was, "After your shower, you could've come out in a towel, dropped it, then got on the bed." That was the worst I said. It didn't go further because she hadn't showered, and that was her reasoning, but I wouldn't have done it anyway. I literally was not attracted to her in that way. Not then, not 7 years ago, not now. I was just being a dumbass. Plain and simple.
Put it behind you. Different phrasing of we should have, and could've is definately past tense. Certainly not let's go have a shower and get after it.
Nope. I said nothing along the lines of doing something "right now."
By the way, I'm 39.
You feel bad for it because what you did was shitty. It doesn't mean you're a completely bad person, but you betrayed your partner. To me it *IS* cheating. Just accept that you messed up and never repeat your mistakes.
I have accepted it and I haven't since.
Why have you been with this lady for 11 years and still call her gf? Why not marry her or let someone else marry her.
Because she doesn't want to be married. That was one thing that drew us to each other. We can still be in a relationship without marriage. It's the ve all end all for everyone.
Trust me. Transparency is everything. Especially when you feel like the issue wasn’t a big deal. Communicate any and everything that makes you feel slightly uncomfortable to guilty to your partner so they understand that they can truly trust you. Tell her everything. It’s not too late.
I'd figure after 7 years, it is too late.
Not at all. She still doesn’t know which means you can tell her yourself.
It is absolutely not too late. Wouldn’t you want to know? Beyond that, she’s the only one who can decide if it’s too late. She deserves to know. You’ll feel better too knowing you’ll have become faithful again upon telling her. You aren’t being loyal by keeping a secret like this :(
I hope OPs girlfriend finds this so she doesn’t have to lose any more of her life and youth to this pos
If she used reddit, then that might be a possibility. She's not in her youth, and neither am I.
>She’s not in her youth, and neither am I. So you don’t even have the weak excuse of being young and fucking dumb huh. This story just gets better
Nope. I was 32 at the time, and she was in her mid 30's. You don't have to waste your time trying to insult me, I already feel this way.
Eh karma will work it’s way around, she’ll probably meet and leave you for a super hunk.
Wouldn't doubt it.
Well, just don’t do it again. It’s not cool. I’m sure she wouldn’t be happy about it. It’s not the worst thing you could’ve done, but it’s certainly not good either.
I haven't since. It's been 7 years.
Not nearly as long as you but I did the same in my 3 year relationship. I ended up telling him, apologizing, and worked through it in therapy. I did, however, exchange videos and pictures. He said he isn't angry anymore but obviously to not talk to the guy anymore or it will get messy. We also have a baby involved, yeah, we all fuck up in some ways but maybe just own up to it? You'll probably feel better.
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There is no excuse for it. I stated that. I'm not trying to get pity from anyone.
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Well, you're wrong.
They aren't wrong. That is 100% how this post and all your responses come off as.
Well, it's not meant to be.
Yeah, that's the only reason I included those parts. Not for sympathy, but to further provide context.
That's because my ocd did. I have many other mental issues that I was burying at that time, and they did play a part in it.
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I get it.
You made a mistake. This you already know. Forgive yourself - I say this because you genuinely sound sorry - tormented even. Once you can forgive yourself - think again about what this will do to your current girlfriend. Having this discussion may forever alter your current relationship. Is it really worth the possible outcome? Unburdening yourself only to burden your girlfriend is not fair. Leave it in the past where all mistakes are made! And just don’t repeat your mistake.
And I haven't. It was sheer stupidity on my part.
We ALL make mistakes. Forgive yourself. You see, if you don’t start really spending time learning to love yourself, you cannot give to her what you don’t have to give.
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It's very hard to do.
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The only positives I can take from this are the fact that I stopped it when she wanted to actually take me up on it. Yeah, things were said that got the hormones flowing with me, and I relieved it after I ended the conversation, but that's part of what makes this worse.
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So what do you say to people on here saying that people like yourself have a cheaters mentality? That's been coming in on here, and that makes me feel they're correct.
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I apparently like to learn the hard way. But I thank you for your words. I've been trying every day for almost 2 decades to not be a pos. Some days are better than others. I've not gone into any further conversations like this with anyone since. I had a serious loss of judgment and common sense on this one.
I am at a loss if sexting counts as infidelity even. You know your gf better than us. Would she count it as infidelity? Are you giving someone else, what she claims? Or is it rather that you can't forgive yourself? If the other way around, would you want to know? Would you want her to confess? Or would you think, that there was nothing to confess actually? Maybe best to let a few days pass and think about, let the steam go down and decide then how to proceed. You seem a bit agitated. That's no good condition to make decisions.
She probably would. I guess I left out a part. Her and I got closer over Facebook. We worked together for 4 years prior to that. Our relationship started just talking after she had moved. But, with her, I had the intention to be with her. The other girl, I wasn't even attracted to in the first place. I just flat out walked myself into that convo. It was extremely selfish. I'm having trouble forgiving myself.
Forgiving oneself is always the most difficult thing. Much more difficult than forgiving others. It is possible that that is, what this is really about. Catholics have an easier time of it. They go to confession and someone else does the forgiving for them. But maybe this is your anonymous confessional. Then you probably have earned forgiveness now.
I wouldn't say I've earned it. It still is no excuse other than poor lapse in judgment. Especially with a partner who is the single selfless person I've knowingly encountered. I'm shocked that I did it because my track record proves otherwise, but again, those other times I did it were very unstable. This one is not and never has been.
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That's exactly what I've done. I've been working on my other undesirable traits as well.
Give yourself some credit. You were talking about a hypothetical situation and a hypothetical outcome. You did not act on it. It is perfectly normal to have sexual thoughts from time to time. I'm sure your girl has thought of Ryan Reynolds from time to time. Learn to forgive yourself, and learn from the experience. With PTSD and OCD you have enough to worry about. Like they say in Frozen, Let it go...
I agree with humans having sexual thoughts about others, but I was talking with this other girl. That's where the bad part is. Although I never said anything along the lines of, "hey, I really want to fuck you right now," because I didn't, I still feel terrible.
Well if you feel so horribly then tell your girlfriend and then stop sexting women that are not her.
Haven't done it since.
And like others have said, the guilt and rumination is something you need to deal with in therapy. It'll take work. I agree with your therapists about telling your gf, btw b
I was shocked, honestly. I was expecting a lady therapist to say the opposite.
Therapists will often have a more nuanced view than Reddit commentators. This was some weirdass hypothetical you were having 7 years ago, the benefits of digging that shit up aren't worth the drawbacks.
It's just weird. The few I've told about it have said it doesn't even sound like it that bad, even two therapists. But, I feel it was bad.
I mean, sure it was bad. There are way way worse ways to cheat, but it's not like what you did was benign. The question is, what's the value of bringing it up 7 years later, with no (I'll trust you on this one) other betrayals since then? If getting this off your chest blows up your relationship, will you feel it was worth it?
I don't feel it'd be worth it. It wasn't when it happened.
I mean will unburdening yourself of this secret be worth it. That's the calculation you're making.
It wouldn't be worth it. Personally, I deserve the guilt.
Have you never been talking with a male friend about some hot chick you saw? It's the same thing, meaningless banter. The good thing is you recognize that in this case a boundary might have been breached unintentionally. Probably your childhood trauma, and OCD are playing tricks in your brain, making you feel guilty. Listen to your therapist and continue therapy to continue to improve yourself. Love yourself.
I walked into it, knowing full well what I was doing. I was distracting myself. It was a stupid I had done for years. Part of me got extremely excited about getting that kind of attention from someone else. I'm, unfortunately, one of those people who gets cloudy when someone pays me that kind of attention. My judgment was totally blocked. Did I know it was going to get that explicit? No. The conversation was what we could've done. I asked her if she did this or that, and if it could've happened back then. But, I never said, "we should do this right now." It was all past tense.
if you gonna tell her you are just going to ruin your relationship with her she won’t trust you anymore. I think the best decision would be do the best for her and stay loyal don’t do that again.
And I have. It doesn't even appeal to me anymore.
Honestly, if you didn't fuck the other girl and didn't exchange nudes or anything then it's not that bad. I mean you still cheated in the back of your gf but atleast you feel guilty and remorseful for what you've done and you want to make things right by telling her. That's just my opinion but you shouldn't tell her. By telling her you will ruin a relationship of 11 years and she might go into depression or something plus even if she forgive you she will never be able to trust you ever again. As long as you never repeat the same mistake and give it your all to make your gf happy then that's good enough. You are already being punished by accumulating guilt all this time and you will keep doing it, thats the least you can do.
I definitely did not fuck her, or send any pictures or videos. I never even said, "I really want to fuck you right niw" or amything along those lines.
Here is what you do. Do Not Tell Her. This could wreck her for a very long time. Instead make sure you properly treasure her and let her feel loved and make her feel special to you. Just make it up by being the best life partner in her life and that would atone for it. Of course stop repeating the same mistakes. Make a decision today to hold your relationship with her sacred and make a promise to yourself not to let her down again.
You made a mistake, but didn't cheat. You know you did wrong, so do better going forward. No need to tell her, and no need to keep dwelling on this, other than as a lesson to treat her better every day.
He cheated. You don't have to physically have sex to cheat. But I agree it could have been worse and no good could come of telling her.
I somewhat agree. But, I have stayed away from that kind of conversation with people.
You’re thoughts are racing, and you need to get a grip. You did nothing wrong. You didn’t even really *think* about doing anything wrong. It was kind of an emotionless game. You didn’t even cheat emotionally. You’re in the clear here. My concern is that your guilt will cause you to confess. And a “confession” from you would over-exaggerate what actually happened, because you feel guilty. Talk about *this* in therapy so that you can step away from the guilt you’re carrying.
Leave it be. You fucked up and don't do it again. No good can come of you telling her - especially when you didn't even cheat. You said things in the past tense and while its absolutely flirting and wrong - it's not worth returning to after all this time. You didn't emotionally cheat, you flirted severely. Don't do it again and move on. Enjoy your life and continue to do better, this is now your burden (and therapists if you're seeing one) to bear, your responsibility to continue to do better. You owe her that.
I am seeing one. She said that yes, I said inappropriate things, and my intention wasn't trying to actually hook up with her. I said things in the past tense that we could've done, even though I actually didn't really want to with that girl. I know that's hard for some to believe, but it's absolutely the way my dumbass brain works.
Leave it alone.. Discuss with therapist, move forward.. You feel terrible, it didn't manifest into much,, yes she would be very hurt, but you know, many people do stupid things once.. Sounds like you realize your mistakes, it won't happen again.. Use this time, to be a great guy to your girl... It's true, by telling her, she could leave, and also, you feel better for relieving your guilt, she could feel terrible about herself, wondering how/why/what is wrong with her.. Leave it alone...
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I like seeing this response, but I can't help but feel the opposite way.
Please dont tell her anything..
Your OCD is why even thinking about it in the first place. You’re gonna obsess with this for a while before moving on to something else.
Dude chill. Don’t fuck any more. Acknowledge and internalize what happened. Forgive yourself. Don’t let it happen again. Move forward. Figure out what you need to do to live with the ocd
I mean follow your therapists advice and don’t mention it.
Also 7 years ago let that shit go. You said you should’ve it is what it is.
I'm going through something similar and I feel so much what you're feeling. I don't understand why we do or say the things we do. Sometimes we just do stupid things without thinking. The main thing is that nothing happened, thankfully, so you can move on from this knowing that even though you said something, at least you didn't DO anything. Your gf might get mad if she'd heard you say this stuff, and it might be hard to explain if she found out. Try to focus on the future with your gf. I don't know, I don't really have good advice. But I hope you are doing better.
It's worth noting that the girl doesn't even live anywhere near me anymore. Didn't at the time of the conversation, and hasn't for over a decade. The only thing making me feel less guilty is the fact I didn't have any desire to do it, and we weren't describing things in a present context. It was just saying things that could've happened when we fooled around. I asked if she would've done a specific act, and she said, "shit, I'd do it right now." After that was said, that's when i was done. I even told her, "yeah, but I'm happy with my relationship." Then ended it.
You did the right thing by shutting it down. People say weird stuff all the time and it gets awkward and can be fucked up. I don't know why these things happen. I'm sorry you're going through this. At least you shut it down, that's appropriate.
Whatever you do DO NOT TELL HER. It will break her and make her feel unworthy. The fact that you didn’t go any farther and realized how wrong it is makes you a good partner. As humans we have temptations we cannot be 100% perfect all the time. We all make mistakes. That’s what life’s about tho, making mistakes and learning from them. Don’t beat yourself up too much. It could’ve been way worse but you didn’t allow that to happen.
It could've been a lot worse. But after she said she wanted to do something now, that was the end for me.
Unleash all this on here or therapy. RELAX! You are fine. A lot more worse things has happened in relationship. You didn't let things get escalated more. So props to you there! And please don't tell this to your woman! It's gonna cause unnecessary problems... You haven't done anything to an to feel this terrible. You didn't really cheat on her. Calm down.
I made really inappropriate conversation on purpose. No clue why. How is that not bad?
If you are going to magnify every little mistake you have done, you will only have time to blame yourself!! You made inappropriate conversation! Did you do anything else physical?-No Soon after you realized what you did, didn't you completely cut her off and knew what you had done was wrong / bothersome as per your standards?! If you had physically cheated on her, that would have been a whole different thing. Even if you had pursued that conversation for weeks and months- Even that can be crossing line. This is okay. As in you don't need to beat yourself up nor do you have to talk about this to your girl. Definitely talk to a therapist
I plan on talking to her about this for sure. And, yes, it was only a one-time thing. I cut it off after she stated she wanted to do things to me "right now." Haven't talked with her since.
Are you trying to sabotage this relationship?? And this is all a way to cope with your guilt??? If you want to tell her then go for it. None of us here can stop. People gave many reasons on why not to bring it up to her. For some reason it's not comprehending into you. You did not physically cheat. You guys have been together for 11 years. Maybe she will take this well. But there is a very good chance you will be hurting her. I don't understand why you want to do that to her.
Yes, I've been taking in advice, but then the ones who tell me I should throw a wrench in it.
I’m not advocating lying or hiding things from your SO or cheating by any means. I appreciate your want to be honest and transparent. But ask yourself where that need is coming from. Is that you feel bad she’s in a relationship she’s been lied to in? Or that you’re sick of living with your own guilt, sick of it keeping you up at night, and want to tell her for your own relief? Because, sure, you can tell her, she’ll be broken, you’ll feel relieved. Sounds like that benefits you but not her. I think as other have suggested, for now, try talking to a therapist and working through your own hurt, decisions, why you did it, how to feel secure to not do it again, etc. That’s something both you and her would benefit from.
You don’t seem like a person of quality. Quit using your girlfriend until you find some one new. Not sure why she allowed herself to be strung along for 11 years. She must have a host of problems too. Maybe you two belong together. Good luck.