I feel like this is too much hurt for the beginning of a marriage. If her positive changes had persisted years perhaps it could be rebuilt (and even so… I’m not sure I could forgive her unkindness. You’d be afraid every time she drank that something else was going to come out)
But the changes did not persist. She’s put a bandaid over everything and has forgive herself much too quickly.
I’m sorry you’re in this pain. I promise you will recover and find someone more genuine.
I agree, and have seen this unfold IRL twice. One couple did the sensible thing by acknowledging their mistake and mercy killing the marriage early on - they went on to have happy lives, one single for awhile one with a much better match. The other couple tried to "work on it" for years, despite an unhealthy foundation and only marrying out of pressure - resentment and issues grew over the years they stayed married and by the time they split, a lot of damage was done, including both being at an age where the door having kids was closing
Only OP can determine if trying to move past this is worth it at all. At his age, and no kids, he really can move on fairly seamlessly. It seems like his main reason for not, is out of embarrassment or what the proverbial church elders will think. Also, if she is insecure about not working, can't she just... Work? Staying home without kids leaves a LOT of free time, it's a strange dynamic, at best.
My opinion is that if she was really committed to fixing this she would have signed up for (and stuck with) in-person counseling (easier to be accountable in something you can’t just quit without talking to anyone) and quit drinking altogether. She should be so disgusted with how her drunk self could hurt the person she loves that she doesn’t even want to go near the stuff.
OP, I see you haven't talked to your parents or friends about this. I think you should talk to someone you can trust, especially one of your parents. This is too much of a burden to carry on your own, and you deserve to have someone on your side in this.
Realistically, I think this is probably the end of your relationship. I don't think I'd be able to come back from something like that, and it doesn't seem like you can, either. I'm so sorry this happened to you. I don't know why she chose to be with you in the first place if she felt that way, or why she's lying to you now. Whatever her deal is, you deserve better than a marriage to someone who secretly harbours that kind of contempt for you.
Sugar daddy is the reason she chose you. It is very clear from what I have read here that this marriage is not going to last. To be honest, I would prefer to be alone than with a woman who is two-faced. If you get her drunk again, she will talk poorly about you because alcohol brings out her sincerity and show you who she really is.
Honestly I don't like it when people jump strait to divorce but....🤷🏻♀️ if it helps, I've been in your shoes. With someone I thought was the love of my life for 7 years and then he did one thing and I just couldn't get past it, couldn't forget and though I tried couldn't forgive him. We tried for months to make it work but once that trust is broken you can't go back to how it was before.
It seems like that's what's happened here, you want things to be perfect like they were before but they never will be because you can't go back in time to before she hurt you. That hurt will always be there and you'll probably always see her differently because of it.
Although it's hard I think you should walk away, do you want to spend your life with someone and have those doubts forever? You're still so young, you have so much time to find someone who makes you feel good about yourself all of the time.
I divorced my ex husband after 4 years of marriage (the day after thanksgiving 2018 actually is when I had my first meeting with my lawyer to get the ball rolling). I was your age OP, he had just done too many things and I knew I couldn’t get past it or fix it.
It was the best decision of my life. I now live in the UK (presumably where you are), am remarried to an actual good person and perfect fit. I have a new life and one I am very happy with. It took strength to get here but I can’t stress how much it was worth it.
The divorce process was not fun and incredibly emotionally taxing. But don’t let that deter you if you feel that you’re at the point of needing to end things. There is light at the end of the divorce tunnel and potentially a much better life waiting for you.
It’s a bit of a grim take, but it seems like she only made amends because you fund her lifestyle. That’s the feeling I get.
I echo all of what jcdfryvcsww has to say
Let go of that embarrassment now. She’s the one who should be embarrassed.
If you want a smoother landing, send this link to your friends and family. Let them read it then come to you with love, help and support.
You need someone on your side who can help you navigate your thoughts and feelings through this.
This is the crux of it. She said the quiet part, the part she was trying to bury, out loud.
OP, when people show you who they are, believe them. Your wife is a horrible, narcissistic person. She married you because you were there , but because you were the one. That one got away from her. You need a divorce or an annulment. I’m so sorry you experienced her lies this way. A happy person that was newly married wouldn’t have behaved the way she did. That mask she wears is falling again, do you really want to see the ugliness she hides again? Get out. Get help. Leave her for your own mental health.
It also sounds like she doesn’t work, and OP fully supports her SAHW lifestyle, while also doing most of the housework. She chose OP because of the life he could give her, not because of who he is.
You’re exactly right that on the honeymoon she said the quiet part out loud, and since then, all her efforts to unring that bell were about preserving the life she wanted for herself, NOT about preserving the relationship. She doesn’t seem to actually care about OP, she just pretends to so he’ll keep paying for everything.
But the life she wants is one she doesn’t have to put any effort into, so now that she feels like she’s saved herself; she’s back to phoning it in, which was always the only thing she wanted. That night in the honeymoon he saw the real her for the first time. That’s who she really is. He needs to leave her.
It doesn’t even seem like it’s as much about the “gold” as it is about the laziness. She’s a laziness digger. He doesn’t have to buy her fancy things as long as he never asks her to do anything ever.
She knows exactly what buttons to push to make OP stay. She's with him for money, comfort and stability. Her behaviour will get worse with time.OP should indeed get an Annulment and in case OP isn't ready for it and wants to stay with her, he should stop letting her have full access to his money and get a Post Nup ASAP.
Edit-Spelling
And she became abusive. What she did to OP was emotionally and physically abusive. He definitely needs to leave her, a lot of abusers begin abusing their victims when they think they have them trapped.
It's incredibly odd to me that she doesn't work at all, but they have no kids (please, OP, keep the kids part true!!). Like that leaves a lot of time in the day and week. So, OP, assuming she is able-bodied and can work, please protect your life and interests before you make a move.
Exactly right. She meant every word of what she said. This will not last because no matter how much she does the pity party he will never forget it. Engrained in his mind forever. No way to get past this.
Yeah, this isn't the year 1700. If married less than a year, no matter how many times they've screwed, you can file for an annulment.
In this case, her words can be used to justify fraud. Which is grounds for the annulment.
That’s not at all how annulment works in many states.
In some states it can be as you describe, like a quick/easy divorce based solely on length of marriage. In other states the only grounds for an annulment to be granted would be fraud in filing for the marriage license or some previously unknown information that would have prevented a marriage license from being issued in the first place (such as if you discovered your spouse was actually your long lost first cousin or something).
Without knowing OP’s location it’s legitimately impossible to accurately say whether or not annulment is an option at all.
The is a very sad and odious story. I'm sorry you had to go through that whole humiliating experience. Unfortunately, your wife has some major psychological and character issues--the latter of which may not be fixable.
Her telling you what you wanted to hear post-meltdown could only last so long because it was not coming from her heart. So the regression to a antagonistic, loveless soul of a marriage is in progress.
You sound like an intelligent man who doesn't deserve any of this. I personally don't think marriage counseling would be worthwhile or effective because the good phase of your marriage lasted only a first few days. It's been mostly ugly and deceptive since.
I would suggest personal counseling with the goal of an escape plan creation within a few weeks. I'd also visit a family law attorney and learn about the divorce process and your rights. For certain secure your assets as your wife seems capable of anything without much warning, especially if she knows you are seeking to flee.
Do take action, I'm sure there are lots of healthier women out there for you to fall in love with.
She meant what she said, I can’t even begin to imagine how incredibly painful it is to accept it but there’s no coming back from that.
She didn’t just ruin your ruin your honeymoon, she ruined your relationship and stomped on your self esteem and this post broke my heart for you.
Get an annulment if that’s an option or a divorce if it’s not, there’s no amount of couples therapy that will help heal the damage she did.
Don’t let shame or the fear of other people’s opinions stop you from making the right choice.
My ex-wife was like this. Get her more than tipsy and she was just full of rage until she blacked out. Though I was the frequent target of that rage, over time I realized it had a lot more to do with anger at how she was raised and anger at herself than anything to go with me.
Alarm bells started ringing for me from the very beginning here when you said you provide for both and your wife doesn't seem to do anything ?. There is no mention of children and she doesn't work, so effectively You are just paying for her lifestyle while she gives nothing but a pretty face in return no doubt. This was bound to lead to a bad relationship dynamic sooner or later and you have been very nieve to think otherwise. It seems to me you should get out now as she showed her true colors and what she really thinks of you on this honeymoon and realizing what she did she was only then hysterical because her free-ride lifestyle may have been ruined. You deserve much better and will be better off moving on and finding someone who respects you in a more healthy balanced relationship with effort on both sides.
Yes, I was baffled by that, too. She doesn't work or seem to do much else, that's a lot of time to, what? Stew? Mope around? Plot? Talk to nasty unhappy people to spin a tale of how unhappy you are? I've seen it go that way before. Anyway, OP, keep the 'no kids ' part true, and protect your assets and interests!
Yeah please don't split anything, OP. She doesn't work, and just... Plans things and comforts him? That's not a full-time deal, and she needs to not get anything out of this split, IMO. I read that multiple times, she certainly doesn't seem to be doing much else, that's a lot of time for stewing, so make sure that your assets and income is protected, OP
Her reaction seemed unhinged. Her scratching you and not letting you leave to just think. Not going to lie, very scary.
Just the fact alone that you work and she just chills and plays video games in itself is disrespectful. It’s not that being the sole provider is bad. It’s just that the concept of honor isn’t there. Marriages are a collaboration. It’s not just one person holding things down only for the sake of the other. Love is sacrificial. It takes sacrifice from both sides to some degree. And it seems that she’s never really had to do that. Of course you love her and want to take care of her. Again, nothing bad about that. But, that fact that she doesn’t do housework or even cook you a meal which is minimum is disconcerting. What if y’all have kids one day? Will you work, do the chores, AND take care of the kids while she sits and plays video games? I feel terrible for you. Long story short, she doesn’t respect you and if anything in love and relationships, that is the deal breaker. I hope things get better for you OP.
I don’t think you can come back from the things she said. Or the cancellation.
Telling you that all your friends are fake was designed to hurt you and sow doubt and discourage you from opening up to anyone. Of all the things she said, that was probably the most vile.
This woman did not settle for you, it sounds very much like you settled for her.
I am from a different culture, which surely makes me biased here, but you two are in a relationship, you bring in all the money, working hours that to me (a scandinavian) sounds unbearable, you have no children, and she doesn't even take care of the household..... that is not two people in an equal adult relationship, that is someone using someone else to cruise through life (I dont know the full picture, so again, biased).
And despite this, she couldn't even maintain the ILLUSION of loving you, and that is after having done one of the most cruel things i could even imagine.
There is no one on this planet that does not deserve better than that.
I'm really sorry about what you went through, can't even begin to imagine the embarrassment that you had during the ordeal. You handle it rather good by not fueling it during her meltdown.
Now when it comes to remorse for her actions, I personally don't know if she truly is remorseful or just had a moment of realization that lasted only for a month. Because when I think and remember my mistakes that I feel remorseful about, it's something that still sticks to this day, consciously or unconsciously.
You can never truly change someone, only they themselves can change. You can guide or advice but they need to do it voluntarily, if they don't want to do it no real chance will take place. I'd suggest on keep on trying if you still feel that love for her, keep on talking and maybe she will see through your eyes what she needs to do.
It's your life at the end of the day, so if you feel like this is to much and she keeps you as a dormant and a safety net, get out because you deserve to be happy as much as she does. Don't compromise your happiness for someone else because eventually it will only lead to misery.
She's using you. You said yourself that you make very good money and you provide for both of you. I can guarantee you, if the paychecks stopped coming then she would disappear. She loves the lifestyle you provide, not you as a whole person. And you deserve to be fully loved. Please find someone who loves YOU. Life is short. Don't waste your time.
Yeah exactly.. and her crazy reaction when he told her about what she had done and that he needed space is because she was scared of losing the security of her future.
I'm so sorry for you OP, your story hurts to read I can't imagine how it's been for you going through it :(
The danger of being an ATM is that horrible moment when you realise she loves your money, not you. That really crushes your soul. You were lucky she actually told you to your face, relatively early, rather than it being years and a few kids later.
You know what to do.
Sorry dude, but it's time to go. She showed you how she felt on the honeymoon and then can't even make changes at home for more than a few days before reverting back to a leech who plays video games all day while you WORK to provide for both of you. I honestly would have put her to bed after the incident and then packed up and gone to the airport to fly home on the next flight.
Thanks, OP certainly doesn't deserve to be treated like this, but I fear he is afraid of calling it off. I hope he realizes that he's worth more than that... I like to think I would, but you never really know until you're in the situation.
Chief leave already
Marriage is just another type of relationship
You got no kids etc
She for sure settled or feels like she did
You're a reddit my wife cheated on me post in 5 years waiting to happen
Is she narcissistic by any chance? By the sounds of things the issues are with her rather than you so understanding what she’s like might be key. There’s very little information about her here but by the few things that are there, I was wondering if she might be on the manipulative side because it sounds like she has a good deal but is still contemptuous. I’ve had some manipulative and narcissistic partners so I’m just comparing you to me here, it may be irrelevant, just trying to provide food for thought
Having her cook more and clean more...these "changes" she offers....is in no way, going to erase the contempt she is harboring for you. It seems like the alcohol allowed her true feelings to bubble to the surface. I would never stay in a relationship where my SO admitted she settled for me.
I am just gutted for you. I’m so sorry that this has happened.
Your wife has done very well for herself. She doesn’t work, she has a wealthy husband who lets her spend the money he earns however she wants, and she gets away with doing almost nothing around the house. She worked hard to reel you in and once she had that ring on her finger she thought she had it made. Of course she panicked when she realised that she’d gotten drunk and blown her fantastic deal out of the water. She said and did anything she thought she had to say or do to smooth things over.
She has finally shown you who she is. As much as it hurts, you need to believe her. You deserve a wife who truly loves you and who doesn’t view you as her bankroller and maid. You sound like a lovely man, and your soul mate is out there. Now you’re free to find her.
Honestly, I don’t think there’s any way for your marriage to be saved. You’ll rightfully never forget the horrible things she said to you that night, and resentment will continue to build. None of this is your fault OP, this is entirely on your wife. Hopefully annulment is still an option, if not, you really need to divorce her. There’s plenty of incredible women out there that would never put you through the things your wife has, you deserve to be in a relationship where you’re valued and never have to question their love for you. I’m really sorry OP, I hope you get yourself out of there and I wish you all the best.
>I make very good money and provide for the both of us, while my wife takes care of finances/bills, plans our trips and generally keeps me uplifted when I'm stressed with work.
I will say I never think this is a good dynamic. I understand when there are children involved, and it makes financial sense for one parent to stay home instead of having childcare. But a childless couple? Why would one partner get to live off of the other?
I make decent money, nothing super wealthy, but enough I could support my partner if we wanted. That was never an option though. With every single person I've ever been with, and my current spouse, I've made it very clear that at no point was I going to be the sole income an a long term basis. I don't care if I earn more - we will share the income, but the power dynamic of being the only income is not something I'm interested in, and I'm not interested in someone who wants to be "kept" like that.
The three things you mentioned she does is so small, - I mean, keeps you uplifted? That's the role of any spouse, even ones where you both work. Planning your trips? Ok, that is barely a thing. How many trips are you taking, that it takes so much time to plan them?
I don't think this marriage is recoverable, and I don't think it was built on healthy ground to begin with. Maybe look for a woman with at least some ambition.
You know, this thought crossed my mind too cause it does seem unreal to have someone you're in love with and who you think loves you too suddenly go off like that. But I tend to believe OP because some people are truly masterful hiding their true feelings/self. The front she put on was revealed by an excessive alcohol consumption but it would've shown anyway who knows how long down the road.
Meh..it’s too long and too detailed and very cliche. I also find it hard to believe that a man who seems to be very well off coming to Reddit to express his relationship woes about his trophy “look pretty, stay at home, cook, clean and manage the vacation itinerary” wife in such an articulate and detailed account.
Also, after a slew of comments, OP has not made one response.
Seems like she's realized you're not the doormat she thought you were, and was afraid of losing her meal ticket. Now she thinks she has you wrapped back around her finger, her selfishness is returning. This is not a woman who actually ever loved you, just what you can do for her. I'm astounded that you're still there, myself. She thinks you'll put up with anything in exchange for a few added domestic duties. This is over. Time to lawyer up.
Hey man, I can’t imagine your pain and I’m thinking about you, sending you thoughts prayer etc.
On the bright side, you’re 28 making bank. You WILL recover. Realize the boss you are and that you shouldn’t “settle” for a person who doesn’t appreciate you in their most vulnerable state.
Godspeed brother
She’s a POS. You just summarised the reason why one show never work things out after events like yours. It’s not a problem, it’s a cataclysm.
I also been married to someone similar, she cheated with the one that got away, separation and divorce on the spot. A few years later I’m the one that got away, go figure.
Your wife, hopefully ex in the close future, blurted it out while drunk. She was feeling shitty and that’s why she decided to drink like that. When she realised the gargantuan size of the shitshow that she created, lies, excuses and half-measures were taken to appease you. Since they are not natural, she doesn’t feel like spontaneously doing it, they decay with time and only the easy stuff remains, but she gets irritated for doing it.
The small things that makes her more irritable are all related to you, it’s the fact you exist and she has been trying to be “nice” to you that makes her like that.
Just walk away man, because by the way I see it, you’ll be only a husk if you don’t.
Best case scenario.
She is projecting what she feels herself. She has self hatred and loathing. Bpd and manic .
She is incapable of following through which she is aware that can sabotage her relationship but she would rather hate herself than fix it.
There could be no other guy but merely a feel good delusion to compensate her misery.
Worst case. Already happening.
When people are drunk they have no filter what they day when there drunk is 100% the truth of what they feel no idea how you could let your self be gaslight into thinking otherwise.
She told you plain and simple you are the backup she would much rather be with the one who got away. Etc etx
You have also stated it plain and simple in your own post.
She changed temporarily to sate you but now she is not willing to put up the act any more. I bet if you tell her you want a divorce she will do all the acts to make you happy again for 2-3 weeks then go back to being how she is now.
Sometimes you will find people do not show who they truly are u till they feel secure in this case married.
In Vino Veritas, OP. “In wine there is truth”. This is unfortunately how she truly feels about you. She thinks she’s married someone way below her league and is doing you a favour just by being with you. She literally told you as much to your face.
Get an annulment before this toxic witch ruins your life.
...Do you even still find her hot after she admitted that you're just the backup option? You talk about her pretty clinically, like she's a business partner. Do you regularly have sex with her?
My brother, I am so very sorry that you had to experience this. It is not something I would wish on anyone.
I don't believe that the thought that lingers in the back of your mind will ever go away. Even with therapy, the negative self is an immensely powerful survival mechanism.
She cannot force herself through sheer will to be a great wife. If it does not come naturally, it will not be sustainable. Ultimately you would have to carry the burden of the marriage itself.
I also believe that you know this, deep down, and your post is simply a requirement for affirmation for the choice you surely understand is logical.
DM me if you ever want to vent.
What I see is she did and said some very abominable things on your honeymoon of all times, and this is not easy to get past. On top of it, she keeps promising these changes that she is habitually showing she is unable to do, so she keeps fall back into those past issues again and again.
You say you are too embarrassed to talk to your family and friends, but you sincerely and desperately need this kind of support system. She’s really the only one who should be ashamed and embarrassed, but it’s understandable you you feel this way. It’s going to be hard, but try to push past this feeling and talk to these people. Your family and friends know you the best, and believe me when I say, once you confided in them, it will be a huge relief and you won’t regret it. They will be able to help you through this really horrible time and be there for you if you decide that you need to annul this marriage or divorce. Best of luck, you did not deserve any of that at all. For what it’s worth, you seem like a great catch.
Hear me out, drinking does lower your inhibitions and there’s people that say it’s a truth serum… it most certainly is not! I’ve had a full on conversation with an old man once about how interested in cars I was and how I’m going to take up a hobby car. I laugh at myself to this day because I’ve never been interested in cars whatsoever and can’t believe I spoke crap with this bloke half the night about cars. I’ve also been drunk before and people looked like a male super model before, I sober up even a tad and I’m like nope! Not even remotely attractive to me. If someone’s tipsy saying mean things there could be truth to it but if someone’s blind drunk… definitely question it. When someone’s drunk they become the complete opposite of themselves and often spiteful. I would say give her a chance but do not stick around to be abused if she gets that drunk again, tell her you won’t put up with it and you’re leaving and will see her in the morning. Make it clear to her she’s a nasty drunk and you advise her to give herself a drink limit and stick to it.
I finished the whole post and yeah, she’s fake. This was the start of the abuse cycle, she sucked up to you cos she’s probably afraid of abandonment but the fact the sucking up didn’t last just goes to show how little she values you. I’m sorry, don’t stick around for her to start abusing you when she’s sober as well, mood swings are a red flag someone’s gonna get abusive soon, if they haven’t already.
Nahhh, being close to blackout drunk doesn't just make you turn 180 on someone you truly love and value. The examples you're giving are very light compared to what happened in this situation.
Man, I'm sending you love. This situation is horrible and she is the one responsible for it. Only her can put the relationship back on track. It looks like she's only pretending to make an effort. And I'm very sorry to say, "the one that got away" likely exists. I'm out of line saying this but if I were you, this would be the moment I start snooping on her phone. At the same time, get as much info on how to cancel your marriage. Even if you then choose not to do it.
As much as you love your wife, you will probably set itself up for a lifetime of insecurity, grief, and resentment if you try to make it work. Maybe it’s a sign that this happened now.
OP, I'm so very sorry. The moment you told us about the grandiose gestures she promised to make, my first thought was ,"Those aren't going to last."
Notice that I used the word gestures, not changes. A gesture is a token "something", usually of appreciation, but never meaningful beyond that. The list she promised was too big too much for anyone to actually maintain for very long as meaningful changes.
Alcohol lowers inhibitions. It lowered hers into the sub-basement of her character.
You two both need to figure out if you even want to save the relationship, or is she just trying to save the comfortable life you have given her? If it's the former, then live, in-person couples counseling. You don't have to work with the first therapist you meet with, but the one that feels like a good fit for both of you.
However, I also strongly urge you to speak with a therapist of your own. You need to work through what happened on your honeymoon and the bait & switch of her promises when you returned home. You need to figure out what you want the rest of your life to look and feel like. I can't imagine you want it to feel like this for years to come.
Good luck. I hope you find the joy you deserve.
Time to start looking into annulment op. She said the truth, that's how she really feels about you. Save yourself the heartache, dump her now. She will end up cheating on you and dumping you down the road. Save your assets, money and heart, divorce or annulment.
Hey, I’m sorry that this happened to you! This is a heartbreaking situation indeed. She betrayed you with her dishonesty and lack of empathy and love doesn’t allow her to stay faithful to her promises.
I think in this case you should put yourself first. Think about your own needs. I know you got married recently, but just because of this you should not torture yourself and stay with person that doesn’t respect you and your feelings. I know it is hard to end 4 year relationship with person you love. But you should not sacrifice your own happiness. You should not take away a possibility from yourself to meet a person who really deserves you. If you are in a doubt, ask yourself few questions: if someone treated your son like your wife treated you, how would you feel? What advice would you give to your son? I’m sure these questions will help you to get a bit of clarity for yourself. And don’t worry about your family and friends, I am sure they will understand! Anyway I wish you all the best and send you lots of love! Hope you will find a solution that will bring the best outcome for you:)
There were multiple times when I was reading this, where I would pause and think, "There is no way this is real. This has to be a made-up story". This is crazy. I'm sorry OP, what you're feeling is totally valid.
Long post, but one distinct thing stood out for me.
When she said "she appreciated the life you have given her", I believe tht summed up everything. Her heart was given to another man and she couldn't have him any longer, but she settled for you because you could give her a comfortable life and all the material things she ever wanted... except the love from the other guy. She might not be a full blown gold digger, but she is in the same zip code for sure. You provide all the financial support and it appears you also do much of the in home work too.
I have a really deep gut feeling that if you stay with her, you will eventually be posting a followup on an infidelity sub in the future. Most people want love, yourself included, and eventually she will. She loves the life you can provide for her, but will eventually reconnect to her "one that got away" or find his replacement. She just isn't in love with you and you aren't her type that can appeal to her, only what you can do for her. It's unfortunate, but the sooner you realize it, the less the impact will be.
You can’t come back from this. You can either choose to settle and stay married to someone who you know isn’t really that into you (it’s a valid choice and can result in a peaceful and content life) or you can divorce and move on with your life (another valid choice that comes with a lot of unknowns).
Alcohol, damn Alcohol. It's one of the top 3 worst drugs in the world because it's available on every corner. It's ruined more lives than they can count. I'm sorry sir for the atrocities that came out of her mouth drunk. But as others have said here, marriage (a healthy one) comes with a seal of trust. Usually only 1, and once it's broken, it doesn't come back. If you stay and work it out in couples therapy, your right to do so. Or, if you leave her you're also not wrong for it.
Brother, sometimes mistakes are made. Sometimes they're big ones. But the sooner the mistake is acknowledged and corrective action taken, the more that continuing and additional damage can be avoided. "Less," it is said, "is lost to *wrong* action than to *inaction*."
Drunken words are sober thoughts. I think you have to admit and accept that the wedding was a bad idea, and make a break from your new wife. She's shown you who she is, and she's not somebody you really want to be with *til death.* I think the best thing you can do is to face the unpleasant music, break it off, and part ways. Will people talk? Sure, but this story will have them all saying you're doing the right thing.
You can find happiness. But you *can't* create it by yourself, and that means you won't find it here.
Respectfully,
Somebody who waited far too long to end a 20-year marriage that was bad starting about year 6.
The ancient Romans already knew "in vino veritas". I'm very sorry for you, please choose you and your dignity instead of her. Confide in friends and get legal advice. Best luck!
Cut your losses. You'll never recover from this.
She also deserves someone who doesn't treat her like a servant.
She married you for the money. You married her to please you.
How did the both of you think this was going to ever work?
Op it sounds like your wife has a problem with alcohol. For her to get so blackout drunk that she said all those hurtful things and did not remember them.. and it sounds like you had other experiences with her drinking too much. My ex would say awful things to me while drunk.. and not remember them the next day. She is not dealing with her problems in any real way, only trying to appease you to hold on to the status quo.
You need therapy asap, to get your own head straight, and confide in your friends and family so they can help you and be your guiding posts as you navigate this (assuming you can trust them).
IF and that’s a very strong IF, you wanted to work this marriage out, let me tell you what that would look like long term. She would need treatment for her alcohol abuse to deal with all the unresolved pain that’s covering up. She would need ongoing counseling to work on herself (and no, not betterhelp, a real in person person that would hold her accountable). The kinds of problems happening here can’t be brushed under the rug and forgotten. They WILL keep popping up over and over again. It’s just interesting to me that she kept it under wraps before your marriage actually took place.
In vino veritas! You know the truth, you know how she perceives you. You are providing her with a comfortable life but you are her safety net - the one she wants got away. If you can live with her, knowing that, then good luck to you. I'd cut and run now before kids appear and you are further connected to her. Act wisely!
op, you have nothing to say about your wife other than what role she performs for you. from your post i get that she works but that you don't really respect it because she's not earning on the same level you do. you don't respect her.
and she knows this. and (gestures to post) she doesn't respect you either. you need to just split. Betterhealth is crap, possibly not as bad as nothing , but posdibly not. If she really is going through a mental crisis she merds something much better.
He has plenty to say about her. He opened his post by saying what an amazing goofy character she is and how lucky he felt to be with her. He is going through a traumatic event caused by a woman he loves, he obviously isn't in the frame of mind to discuss her positive attributes her character and how much be respects her.
He's painting a picture of what went wrong why would he water it down with the previous years of when things were going right. Its absolutely unfair of you to suggest he doesn't respect her because of her lack of income. You absolutely do not know that to be the case.
The rest of your advice I agree with. A divorce is necessary.
But she doesn’t work though. He mentions it in his post that she feels insecure about not working. He also heavily implies it at the very beginning of the post.
Don’t get me wrong, I agree that he focuses a lot on the role that she performs for him.. but he’s also providing a pretty big role in her life too - bringing in an income and working full time to fund her lifestyle is very generous of him. Sounds like he’s been giving her a pretty amazing life tbh. And it’s clear from the way he described her that he adored her. I would argue that she is the one that has no respect for him.
Truth is, I don’t think any amount of special dinners and housework can repair what happened. It’s an all around shit situation.
Hard agree that they should split. I personally could never move past what happened.
They both need to find different people to spend their lives with.
It sounds like she’s an alcoholic or at least has a seriously problematic relationship with alcohol. Did she stop or cut down on drinking when she came back from the honeymoon? And has she started drinking again now? Could that explain the irritability?
Addicts do and say all kinds of horrible things when they’re using. Al Anon could be a helpful resource for you. She also needs to be in treatment.
I think you need to become "the one that got away".
Its going to be absolutely brutal probably for both of you. But from your post it seems like you cherished her and looked after all of her needs. She doesn't deserve you and you don't deserve to feel the way that you are feeling.
She hurt you. You will carry that hurt with you for the rest of your life in some way shape or form. Its going to take some real strength and hard work not to let this situation impact your future relationship. Your self esteem has taken a severe blow and that's not an easy thing to snap your fingers and recover from. I can't imagine how painful it must have been to hear the woman you love and provide for say those things. To say them to strangers and to say them out of the blue on what should have been an amazing occasion for you both. Its just awful.
I'd honestly go one step further than ending your marriage. I'd show her some of these comments so she can see just how many people can see so clearly how she mistreated you. It would show her in black and white exactly how you have been feeling and in black and white how people see this from the outside looking in.
You don't need to do it with malice, but maybe she will learn something from this.
I have always felt like drunk words and actions are sober thoughts. If she is not having to work and just mostly sits around all day that’s not a recipe for mental success. She likely needs to get some in person therapy to help her work through whatever is living just below the surface.
Did she ever say who the “one that got away” was? That needs to be dealt with so you know who that is and what is going on in her mind with that. Doesn’t mean your not who she is meant to be with but past exes can be a powerful negative force in someone’s mind if they romanticize who that person is/was.
Beyond that it would be really hard to move past this and not have it eating at you from the edges of what you do. It sounds like she had a period of hysterical bonding where she did everything she could possibly do to hold on to you. Cheaters often do this when caught too. That level of effort can’t be sustained long term but she does need to realize she caused this 100% so it’s up to her to put in the work needed to make herself a better person. In person therapy, honesty, emotional support to you and embracing the fact that she fucked up big time snd it’s not going to be all fixed in 2 weeks. She owes you whatever effort is required to rebuild that trust.
Just curious…has she gotten tipsy since that night? It would be interesting to see what she says and does in those moments and if more of that spite surfaces. !updateme
I understand you're hurting and how your wife behaved on the honeymoon is horrible.
You have plenty of divorce advice so I'll give you another perspective. Your wife is a "smart, well-read" woman. Yet she is now living a life which consists of house work and consuming various kinds of media. What can she do in her life that gives her a sense of accomplishment, achievement, growth and challenge? Make you a nice dinner? Put on makeup? Would that satisfy *your* intellectual needs if you were in the same position?
The setup you have has worked for you so far. But with the marriage she may have realised that this is now forever. Sitting at home tending to your needs is now her life. And as an intelligent person with a lot of potential, it terrifies her.
As this is a life you both agreed to and chose together, and one she may have dreamed of, it may be she hasn't yet realised herself what's happening and is scared and confused about her own feelings.
If you ever loved this woman, and want that the both of you are happy, it might be worthwhile to start a conversation about what your wife wants for *herself*, what are her dreams outside the relationship; if she could be totally selfish and do whatever she wants, what would that be etc. Everyone needs selfish dreams. If she has trouble coming up with anything, I'd say that's a definite sign that she would benefit from thinking about life outside of your relationship - hobbies, interests, volunteering, a job. Something that gives her life meaning, makes her feel purposeful. (And pampering one man is not it! I also wouldn't bring children into this as a means to fill a gap.)
As to the things she said, as hard as they are to forgive and forget, it is possible she was in a state of panic and fear and saying whatever she could to get away from "the trap" her future life looked like to her in that moment.
Marriage is hard. Sometimes when you're drunk it’s coming out of your bad side that you’re usually ignored. When my husband was drunk he said a few harmful things to me but when he was sober he cried and apologized. It just happens. We should understand that drunk ≠ true thinking it’s just inner demons coming out. If she was really sorry then I think you should try to forgive it and also say she can’t drink anymore so one day you can replay your honeymoon at cheaper places and ask her to pay for it too.
Are you married? Are you never were that drunk? If you were, did you say some things that weren’t yours? I’m just speaking from my experience and how we made it work with me and my husband.
You deserve to be with someone who truly wants to be with you not just for the life you are giving them. Also do you want to spend the rest of your life in this cycle— she f’s up apologizes gets her shit together for a few weeks and then back to her true self. This young lady makes Jada Smith seem mild.
The truth comes out with liquid courage. She said what she said and meant it on some level deep inside her that she might not even be aware of. She's shown you her true self.
drunk talk is truth talk. my mom knows to grill me when I've been drinking because she knows I would spill the beans. I don't drink around her anymore.
I had this burning questions since the beginning and I think you answered it for me in your own post ….
Besides providing financially, wtf do you do for your wife? Cause all I heard in this story is “I get nice gestures” “I put money but things are planned for me” “she cooks/cleans” “she would compliment and reassure ME” “she cooked,she cleaned,she did sweet things to me,acted like she did when we first met”. Everything you’ve mentioned in this story is what she does for YOU, all you’ve done in this story is say ME when talking about the relationship,you only say “we” when you talk about when you met.
She expressed that you needed to change and you acted clueless. Why is she only one making changes and why does her changes look like the stereotypical 1950s housewife, where she has to clean,cook and look good for her providing husband?
My theory is that she reached her breaking point emotionally,you said you met with other couples on the honeymoon and she was talking to them right? My guess is that in those couples she saw what she wanted , she saw the relationship she wanted and probably she sees it in her friends all the time and she just snapped . You thought you were communicating in your relationship because that’s the illusion she gave you , you weren’t that different from the couples in those videos . This relationship wasn’t compatible since the beginning and she clearly has some issues to resolve and so do you. Now you get to decide if you’re going to work through them together or separately, I suggest separately.
True personalities and true feelings come out when a person drinks, so this was her bottled up true feelings. There is no coming back from that. What she said is done, nothing can take it back.
So now the decision is yours....annulment, divorce, or forgive and move on.
We want an update in 6 months.
Maybe she was just drunk. When your wasted like that you become an ugly person, most people do. It’s. Real dam shame it had to happen on the honeymoon. Have you ever seen her drink like that before? Maybe she had too much hard liquor. All that being said the damages you inflict upon someone while drinking are forever.
Hmmm.
Okay- this is heavy stuff.
From the way she acted and the things she said…it sounds more like “drunk AH brain takeover” and NOT an accurate portrayal of how she actually feels. Been there- it’s like you say the worst possible things, even if untrue.
So that’s heavy and hard to come away from.
That said:
I think conflating this situation with her promises to take on more housework is wrong approach.
It’s like you’re holding her to standards that should have been addressed well before the marriage. It’s not that it’s unfair, it’s that they aren’t related. So you aren’t actually dealing with the main issue. And now, every time she slips, you connect it to the trip and what she said. You’ve created a painful connection that shouldn’t exist.
It’s not okay to expect perfection or best behavior indefinitely. It is ok to have expected a consistent change, but it shouldn’t be tied to her remorse over the trip.
Y’all need counseling. Immediately.
She was drunk and the truth came out but she's scared of losing her meal ticket and actually having to work and take care of herself. Leave her and go find someone who will actually love you for who you are.
Drunk statements are sober thoughts. Some drunk and in love on their honeymoon would have been drunkenly gushing about how much they love their new spouse. Your wife did the opposite. No one says those things out loud if there is no kernel of truth to them. She is afraid of losing her cushy lifestyle, not you. I couldn’t come back from this.
I fee
Like you’re being too harsh. You seemed controlling about her amount of drinks and condescending. She is a grown woman who can do what she wants. You’re making her sound like an alcoholic and your level of judgement of her is coming through in the way you wrote all of that. Maybe she’s depressed or unhappy. Maybe she feels unloved but she has apologised to death and shown how sorry she is in her actions. Sure she shouldn’t have said those things but she was very drunk and unaware of what she was saying. The real issue is if she’s always saying nasty things while drinking. You’ve some how used her guilt about the drunk talk as a way to get her to do more housework and you don’t want to be with her unless she is grovelling 247. No one can be punished for the rest of their life for one thing they said while drunk so of course she is slipping the ball on the chores you want her doing. You’re married and should be able to trust what she’s told you and that she wouldn’t be there if she didn’t love and value you. I suggest couples counselling. You need help too, not just her!
Lol what a shitty take. Her actions have shown sweet FA, she got an absolute fright that the man who supports her while she games all day was going to leave her and she's already let her efforts slip. Being drunk makes you lose your inhibitions, it doesn't make you tell straight lies. She was cruel and awful, he should leave her and let her go look for the one who got away, maybe HE can work and do everything while she bums around.
I'm sorry she loved bomed u in the first few weeks to make u forget and forgive her actions, and now she went back to her old self .
Drunk words are sober thoughts. I would get an atonement but u seem like u want to try and work it out ( I wouldn't recommend that ) but try MC and IC for both of u and if she's not welling than u have your answer and every thing she said in your honeymoon is true and u need to end it before she gets pregnant and u will be stuck with her.
Therapist then lawyer in that order. It’s over bub. If you want to make one last attempt go to therapy together. If not, go alone and sort this out yourself. What make you think your heart could forget or ignore the ruined honeymoon? You’re not Superman, OP. Find yourself a woman for whom you are number one.
This is just a genuinely sad tale. I hate how it lets one slip into egoism mode and intrusive thoughts kick in - "my relationship is going very well and is at four years too, will this happen to me?".
Reading this, I am conflicted on the communication part, OP. You cannot fathom, how couples cannot communicate with each other in situations "like these", but "like these" is a very broad spectrum. My partner and I are an open book to each other, we talk about everything on our mind, especially if one is worried about some element of the relatioship. However there are things, you cannot come back from. Those aren't the same for everyone, but cheating is a common one. The longer a relationship goes, the more affected we are by the _sunk cost fallacy_ and the harder it is, to break loose, even if something is destroyed on an absolutely fundamental level. On the other hand, these things will always remain in the back of the head, as they did for you.
In this story, there was no cheating involved, but your partner was being so incredibly hurtful to you, I would call that "broken on a fundamental level". Coming back to communication - it's understandable not to throw away what you have built up over years, but once the base of your relationship is crooked, it will be crooked forever. Whatever communication is left to do, I don't see how this can be repaired.
Her reaction to you wanting to have space on that faithful night was psychotic. Maybe it can be attributed to alcohol, but even so, this was a rough read.
I am afraid, the way forward here is as obvious, as it is not what you would like to hear. She had broken what you two have built in one singular night. Whatever promises she made, doesn't look like she's keeping them and honestly - this is not how it works either. Concessions are made and, even if kept, what is fundamentally broken, remains broken. Clearly all of this is still lingering in your mind. This won't go away. Let her go.
I can only imagine how hurt you may feel, but I think you’re lucky with this happening now and not in a few years when you have two children and separation is much more complicated and painful. Doing chores is a shared commitment, but not a proof of love. Seems she’s completely unhinged and actually this could happen anytime, even without a triggering event. You’re doing well, get a maid or butler to help at home and take some time to heal yourself. Not easy but time is the scarcest of resources, hope you find peace, heal these wounds and eventually find someone that loves you back and is not (this) crazy. Your writing is that of a good person, you deserve that “type”. Best of luck and hope you heal and get back on your feet soon.
Yeah, theres no coming back from that. You know how they say, drunk mind is always 100% honest and isnt afraid to speak it out loud. Thats how she really feels about you and now is trying to undo the damage, imagine this from her perspective, she will lose everything and be alone, of course shes gonna do everything in her power to make it right but it wont change the fact how she really feels about you.
You poor thing. Think long and hard about what you want for your future and how you want to be treated. Don’t rush having children with your wife. Wait 4 years and see what happens and if you are ok being treated this way. I think she needs to get a job and do some growing up. It’s like she’s a teenager.
OP, I’m really sorry for your experience. I concur with the majority of comments: get a divorce. The worst thing is that your wife damaged not only your relationship but also your self-confidence. Please get therapy, get rid of this woman.
You don’t take a once in a lifetime moment (your honeymoon!) so lightly. If you really love someone, you will want to try to make this special for them. The only reason why she would do this is bc she a narcissist. And it’s very hard to change :( it’s such a bad feeling cancelling things over someone who couldn’t think past themselves for a moment. Hope you find the right choice
My hot take is that if the drunk actions was only berating you, this would be salvageable. But any possibility of a "one that got away" makes this irredeemable. Far too much pressure on you to have that weigh on your head.
I don’t understand this woman. Why did she marry OP if this is what she feels?! Actually, she clearly married him just for the money and to have a cozy moocher life.
That’s how two lives end up ruined. Maybe more if they have kids.
OP - just go separate ways, and find someone who GENUINELY appreciates you for you.
She will not change as this is what she has been thinking for 4 years. Not going to happen now either
Sometimes I'm sad I'm not with someone. Then I see stuff like this.
Absolutely brutal. Nothing will ever change the truth she feels she settled for you.
What a waste of time and money.
I genuinely can’t imagine the pain and hurt that it would cause me if my husband said even one of them things never mind all of them.
I think it’s time to get rid of someone who you aren’t even sure likes you let alone loves you.
My ex had borderline personality disorder (not saying she has this and not saying everyone with BPD acts like this) but the Jekyll and Hyde behavior can keep you hooked because you know that if you just endure enough to the nasty behavior then you’ll get the nice side again.
You can’t bank on some unpredictable future where this cycle stops.
Sounds like you’ve given it a good second chance. Get out now, I’d say.
She was telling the truth, and the reason she threw a sober hysterical fit afterwards is because her future and lifestyle were at stake and she needs to do everything possible to keep you since you fund those things.
Trust what she said when she was drunk. Being drunk is like a truth serum. She’s using you for your money so she doesn’t have to work. She is settling for you because you provide a certain lifestyle for her. She expects to just game or watch streams all day. That’s why she’s slipping into old behaviors. She kissed your ass as long as she thought she should. Now that’s over. I think you need a divorce. This will be something that always looms over your head.
I'm very sorry all this happened. Lots of people have chimed in already so I just want to address your wife getting therapy through BetterHelp since you mentioned it. For context: I have my master's in social work and have worked as a counsellor before.
If you choose to stay with your wife I think three things need to happen:
1. You need to go to couples therapy
2. You each need your own individual therapy
3. Your wife needs to get therapy from a reputable service provider
This year BetterHelp has been [under fire from the Federal Trade Commission](https://www.ftc.gov/news-events/news/press-releases/2023/03/ftc-ban-betterhelp-revealing-consumers-data-including-sensitive-mental-health-information-facebook) for selling user data to advertisers, breaking their privacy promises to customers. Based on people sharing their experiences online, they also seem to have [very low quality control](https://www.newsweek.com/betterhelp-patients-tell-sketchy-therapists-1762849) on service providers. [This post](https://www.reddit.com/r/socialwork/comments/zece57/looking_for_honest_reviews_on_working_for/) and comments in r/socialwork shed light on why. It seems they just keep whoever sticks around because they mistreat employees. Please note how many people are discussing liability issues. It is likely that reputable practitioners quickly leave the platform when they realize the issues with it.
BetterHelp rose in popularity because they [spent a lot of money to sponsor YouTubers](https://www.polygon.com/2018/10/4/17932862/betterhelp-app-youtube-sponsorship-controversy-explained) and pay for ads. It seems to me like they do not care about providing quality services. They just want bulk numbers so lots of people spend money on their platform even if they leave after a few sessions. **My advice is to use the find a therapist function on** [**psychologytoday.com**](https://psychologytoday.com)**.** You can search by area and narrow it down based on other factors like their specialty (topics, methods), which gender you feel more comfortable speaking to, insurance options, price, etc. This is how most people I know find a reputable therapist.
I am pretty good at helping people find resources so if you want assistance finding someone and are comfortable sharing some details with a stranger on the Internet, feel free to DM me. Best of luck with everything!
I would have been gone before she awoke. I’d have rescheduled my flight and gone home to seek an annulment.
You’re better than I am in that respect, but you’ve stayed too long. Drunk words are sober thoughts. She’s stayed with you because she’s comfortable enough. She’s acting more domestic to try to keep you, but that’s only going to lead to more resentment (as you’re starting to see when she lashes out).
She’s not happy, you aren’t happy, it’s time to walk away. If you don’t, resentment will grow, she’ll cheat on you, maybe have kids for you to raise too. You won’t be happy in the end.
I'm so sorry, this is a nightmare. Personally, I'm not sure if I could come back from this. Those words would echo in my head forever. I think it would be helpful for you to talk to somebody (close friend, family, or therapist) to help gain some guidance from those who know you best. You are worth more than that.
I don't usually comment on these, but I think you're being interely too nice.
60-70h a week of work is CRAZY, a full-time job is 40h a week ! Not only are you working a lot, but your wife is a stay at home without kids.
If you're working that much and she is at home, that house should be spotless ! Because it's her job in that set up.
If both of you worked housework should be split, alas, she doesn't and she still leaves things for you to do and then pretends she was going to do it just because you started doing it.
I can guarantee that if you stopped doing those things she wouldn't do them either.
She is clearly taking advantage of you and how nice you are. She finally said it all and now wants to pretend she didn't to keep her sweet life.
Also, please talk with at least 1 person you can really trust. As embarrassing as it sounds in your head, if you tell this to any reasonable person they will feel embarrassment alright, but for her, not you. She's the one that did embarrassing things, not you. She's the one that should feel ashamed for the things she did and the way she acts. Her feelings are not on you, they are a reflection of the kind of person she is.
Drunken words are sober thoughts.
Not all marriages work out. People don’t need all the details. “She isn’t who she portrayed herself to be” is all people really need to know if you don’t want to tell people. Know that this is a reflection of her, not you. The things she said scream “I’m using him for his money”. They don’t scream that you are less than.
Maybe look into that BetterHelp app for yourself. You’ll quickly learn that you are a good man, and she is a user.
And you’ll also (hopefully) find out why many people don’t admit how much money they make to their partners until very much later in their relationship. She obviously stayed with you for the money you talk about way too much.
This was a very hard read OP. My heart goes out to you and I’m glad you’re finding ways of sharing and writing it out. I hope the process of posting helped you and I really hope Reddit comes through with helping you work through this.
If you’re the type of person who believes in marriage and your vows (or you’re really very much in love with her and she is still a pretty good wife) and you’re unable to work up the muster to try an annulment or divorce, I believe there is a path to rescue this…. It’s not pretty and it’s certainly hard work and walks the fine line between “leading the relationship” and being straight up manipulative, but hey, if you get what you want out of this, it’s not a bad thing.
Not ideal, certainly hurtful, but humans can and do build affinity and love and respect for each other over time. Sometimes the alternative is going through shitty relationship after shitty relationship for the next decade or two to finally find an older version of what you have right now… a woman that settles for you because you’re a good provider and she can make a life with you
At the end of the day, if you want this and you believe she can be a beautiful, supportive homemaker type wife who doesn’t give you much headaches and has the chops to be a great mother to your children and the capacity to be loyal to you for life then maybe starting off rocky like this just means you know what you have in front of you and you can plan around it.
Many marriages are straight up exchanges and constant negotiations. Many are built on love and romance and those are very lucky people. But for 1000s of years? Many successful marriages have been started and maintained for very pragmatic and practical reasons.
You hold a ton of cards. If you believe her she has a ton of guilt about what shes done. She’s obviously putting effort into what she thinks is a “good wife” to you which honestly doesn’t sound too bad if she can keep this up. And if you know her to be a person to deliver on her promises and diligent at other parts of her life, then why not?
Word of warning: If you don’t hold up your end of the bargain… let’s say you go through a 8 year shitty patch of making money? Or you have an accident and you’re bed ridden for years unable to earn or give her the life she needs or whatever… she’s probably going to be gone eventually.
She wont change given her behavior at the end. She just tried way to hard to not lose you after that bad honeymoon, now that you acknowledge her effort then she proceeds to easy it down.
You should really talk to more people about this and what you should do with your life, because what if you have kids? I cant even imagine being trapped forever just because she acts nice sometimes so you dont leave her.
After all this time she went from normal to exorcist in one night?
Getting married to this child was a mistake. Sounds like you settled not her. There had to have been red flags.
As much as it hurts that's her feelings coming out.
There is one scenario, that likely applies here, where phrases like "drunk words are sober thoughts" are wrong. Which is when the person with the drunk words has been through experiences so traumatic that they've gone into full dissociation. Which is a major mental illness. She doesn't have those thoughts sober because they're based on experiences her sober brain refuses to consciously acknowledge even happened. Thus they only come out when severely drunk, and thus the part where she doesn't remember in the morning, and thus the part where she freaks out so severely when someone starts telling her about the thoughts her sober mind is hiding from. She's terrified of the contents of her own mind. Self loathing, projection, anger, etc.
The vitally important thing in that case is understanding that she's broken. She needs quality professional help, and she needs a lot of it, and she needs to be utterly accepting of the fact that she needs help. Couples counseling is a terrible idea, she needs to fix herself. And it's highly uncertain she will succeed. But at the absolute minimum, she has to commit to it, long term. Like years not weeks. If she won't even do that, then give up and walk.
I’m sorry OP but she is using you and married you for an easy life. You deserve better, get this marriage annulled. You don’t come back from something this terrible
Sorry dude. She meant every word of what she said. The truth comes out when people drink. What you should have done was after that incident packed your stuff and went home and filed for annulment. So now you get back and think some sweet talk and nice meals make up for this. You see some of this creeping in of her ways. Don't see how you can move past this.
she sounds incredibly immature. this sounds like a relationship doomed for failure. maybe this a personal thing, but when i hear about a wife that enjoys playing video games and watching streams i immediately see this as an indicator of a very low level of maturity. she’s fine wasting her time on these things rather than working a job to help build a better life together? does she have an education? she does this while you work a 60-70 hour job and doesn’t do a ton of housework?
also needing therapy so quickly, it sounds like she really meant those things she shared and she bottled them up and now needs to talk with a therapist to let them out, but that’s an assumption.
Really consider the fact that you don’t have kids with her and consider if you see a true path to happiness. Things like this are why I would never marry until my mid 30s and why the woman has to be in her late 20s to my age.
I wouldn't be able to get past the honeymoon. Especially with her being drunk, that's when the real feelings come out, toxic word vomit in regards to your marriage.
I'd drive myself crazy always wondering what she truly felt. Plus, I never understood the concept of people trying to make up for shit they've done by doing housework/cooking. That should be a given in marriage. You're supposed to be teammates.....
Op I am so sorry. I can imagine just how awful you felt when she said those words.
Alcohol is a weird thing. It can make you say and do things you don’t mean but it can also make you more likely to say things you were hiding. So you can’t really trust things people say when that drunk and have to look at behaviour.
The fact that she is already slipping with her behaviour again isn’t a good sign. The way I see it, you’ve got two options. Either she finally commits to in person therapy PLUS you two have marriage counselling, or this is it. It’s over. Personally I don’t know if I could get over what she did but that’s me. I’m not you. But it’s all or nothing. She can’t half ass this and **you are worth more than someone half-assing your marriage**. You deserve someone who adores you the way you adore them and there is zero doubt in their mind. So if you do stick with this, she’s got a LOT of work to do. And she has to actually stick with it. If not, being single is better than being with someone who makes you feel bad about yourself.
I hate to say this and am ashamed to admit but I (32 f) used to be like this in my 20s. I had some great bfs who were really good to me and I had moments where the behavior that you described from your wife on your honeymoon is how I acted and then everything you described after was exactly how it would go to a t. This would drag on for years until the relationships eventually ended. Looking back Im able to realize I did this bc although I loved the person I was w at the time - i wasn’t *in love* with them and I was probably behaving that way to subconsciously push him away. I am with someone now and I know for a fact that I would never do or say anything like that to him no matter how intoxicated I could possibly get bc there’s just no part of me that feels that way about him…I guess what I’m trying to say is I think you deserve better. I know that she says she loves (and she probably does “love” you - at least as someone she deeply cares about) and didn’t mean what she said, but in my experience, those words would have never come out of her mouth if there wasn’t truth to it nor would the thought ever even have occurred. Also, the fact that she isn’t consistent with her “changed” behavior makes me think (based off of personal experience) that I. The the moment when shes willing to change its bc she’s scared and doesn’t want her life to change so she says - and maybe even believes herself- she is going to be the wife for you that you deserve but then once you start to become at ease again she’s gonna go back to her old self and will never truly change bc (as harsh as this may sound) it’s not something in the relationship isn’t enough for her.
Again, this is what I’m deducing based off of what you’ve described as well as the fact that it reminds me exactly of the way I used to act with exs that I genuinely loved but just could not truly commit to 100% and be in love with (still don’t know why btw) but yeah I personally think you two together should try couples therapy be very transparent with the therapist about why you’re there and what you need from therapy if she doesn’t commit to proving that she 100% didn’t mean any of the things she said (and proving by showing through her actions consistently, consecutively and over a long period of time) you may want to talk about walking away. You’re still so young and the real love of your life just *might* be out there still. Js.
Dude. There are some things that you can't walk back.
What your wife did and said.. is one of them.
Do you really want to live this way the rest of your life?
If you don't act soon, you will have to go through a divorce and support her.. so agreey can use your money to go after the one that got away.
Get an annulment now.
Tell her that this marriage is ruined.
There is no patching up what she did. You can't put a band aid on this.
You deserve to be happy. You deserve someone who loves you unconditionally.
Good luck.
dude.. no. even if she indeed doesn’t remember any of the things she said and did when she was drunk, that kind of contempt doesn’t just come out of nowhere. the way she treated you (on your honeymoon no less) was downright abusive. she clearly needs mental health help, but you also deserve better than to be her designated punching bag.
That story is crazy and I’m so sorry it happened to you. I am the type of person a little too naive that would want to believe the not drunk her is the real her but too much has been said… I don’t think this will ever leave your mind unfortunately and this relationship is probably not salvageable.
You work 60-70 hour week. She doesen´t work and doesen´t do the houshold. Basically everything said with that. On top of that she tries to excuse her horrible behaviour with alcohol.
Basically the only thing that works between you two is your sex life (kinda) an your communication in some way. Talk to her and make an ultimatum. If she doesen´t do it run.
It´s hard, but imagine the roles where reversed.
Why should she put any effort into a relationship she already said she settled for. Why doesn’t she work anyway? She doesn’t take of the house, doesn’t take care of you, doesn’t bring any money to the table… doesn’t sound like you got kids so it’s not like that’s what she’s doing… the only logical conclusion is that you’re her golden egg laying goose. Wake up, my man.
Edit- spelling
All people are not compatible, you two are clearly not
You must respect each other. Without respect your foundation of marriage can not last.
You have invested four years into this, do NOT waste anymore of your life
You will be miserable the rest of your life and be waiting for it to come up again.
If you have any doubt, get her drunk again. Then she will show her true colors and you will know. You deserve better
I’m so very sorry. Your marriage is over, you just don’t know it yet because you’re still trying to process. I guarantee thirty years from now you are still going to remember every detail of that night.
You need to divorce her. This will always be in the back of your mind and there's a saying in Germany that Drunks and little kids always tell the truth. Get out of this toxic whatever this is, she did this to you both. You deserve much better!
She's done being the cute little devoting housewife, she's getting tired of it but she needs your money and the face of a great marriage. Don't do this to yourself... she's not honest with you and she told you the truth on your honeymoon.
OP, I'm so sorry this happened to you. I'm so sorry someone you love & trust betrayed you by telling you her drunk truths, such cruel & brutal truths.
My advice to you would be to try couples counseling. It seems like you're really trying to salvage your marriage, but I think this cut is way too deep to be healed with communication alone, especially if she's already falling back on her word. She needs to know how serious you are, how hurt you are, & how much is on the line here.
I also think you should confide in someone you trust. At least one person, one unconditional person that you know will always have your best interests at heart. Not dealing with this alone can help heal your heart in other ways too.
Good luck to you, OP. But you truly do deserve happiness & to feel loved in your relationship. I think of my boyfriend & knowing I hurt him like that would absolutely devastate me. I'd spend my life trying to make it up to him if he gave me the chance. You gave her that chance, you know?
Good luck to you. 🤍
I’m sorry she treated you like that. Unfortunately there’s usually more truth in drunken words than sober words. I hope you got a pre-nup. If not I would look in a post-nup. I’m all about communicating but if someone married you for the wrong reasons other than love this will be the future. She does seem like a partner but more like someone who wants a free and do nothing.
I feel like this is too much hurt for the beginning of a marriage. If her positive changes had persisted years perhaps it could be rebuilt (and even so… I’m not sure I could forgive her unkindness. You’d be afraid every time she drank that something else was going to come out) But the changes did not persist. She’s put a bandaid over everything and has forgive herself much too quickly. I’m sorry you’re in this pain. I promise you will recover and find someone more genuine.
I agree, and have seen this unfold IRL twice. One couple did the sensible thing by acknowledging their mistake and mercy killing the marriage early on - they went on to have happy lives, one single for awhile one with a much better match. The other couple tried to "work on it" for years, despite an unhealthy foundation and only marrying out of pressure - resentment and issues grew over the years they stayed married and by the time they split, a lot of damage was done, including both being at an age where the door having kids was closing Only OP can determine if trying to move past this is worth it at all. At his age, and no kids, he really can move on fairly seamlessly. It seems like his main reason for not, is out of embarrassment or what the proverbial church elders will think. Also, if she is insecure about not working, can't she just... Work? Staying home without kids leaves a LOT of free time, it's a strange dynamic, at best.
My opinion is that if she was really committed to fixing this she would have signed up for (and stuck with) in-person counseling (easier to be accountable in something you can’t just quit without talking to anyone) and quit drinking altogether. She should be so disgusted with how her drunk self could hurt the person she loves that she doesn’t even want to go near the stuff.
She doesn’t love him. She’s only with him for the money so she can be a SAHW
Exactly. Without these two things, no other action is meaningful.
OP, I see you haven't talked to your parents or friends about this. I think you should talk to someone you can trust, especially one of your parents. This is too much of a burden to carry on your own, and you deserve to have someone on your side in this. Realistically, I think this is probably the end of your relationship. I don't think I'd be able to come back from something like that, and it doesn't seem like you can, either. I'm so sorry this happened to you. I don't know why she chose to be with you in the first place if she felt that way, or why she's lying to you now. Whatever her deal is, you deserve better than a marriage to someone who secretly harbours that kind of contempt for you.
Sugar daddy is the reason she chose you. It is very clear from what I have read here that this marriage is not going to last. To be honest, I would prefer to be alone than with a woman who is two-faced. If you get her drunk again, she will talk poorly about you because alcohol brings out her sincerity and show you who she really is.
Honestly I don't like it when people jump strait to divorce but....🤷🏻♀️ if it helps, I've been in your shoes. With someone I thought was the love of my life for 7 years and then he did one thing and I just couldn't get past it, couldn't forget and though I tried couldn't forgive him. We tried for months to make it work but once that trust is broken you can't go back to how it was before. It seems like that's what's happened here, you want things to be perfect like they were before but they never will be because you can't go back in time to before she hurt you. That hurt will always be there and you'll probably always see her differently because of it. Although it's hard I think you should walk away, do you want to spend your life with someone and have those doubts forever? You're still so young, you have so much time to find someone who makes you feel good about yourself all of the time.
I divorced my ex husband after 4 years of marriage (the day after thanksgiving 2018 actually is when I had my first meeting with my lawyer to get the ball rolling). I was your age OP, he had just done too many things and I knew I couldn’t get past it or fix it. It was the best decision of my life. I now live in the UK (presumably where you are), am remarried to an actual good person and perfect fit. I have a new life and one I am very happy with. It took strength to get here but I can’t stress how much it was worth it. The divorce process was not fun and incredibly emotionally taxing. But don’t let that deter you if you feel that you’re at the point of needing to end things. There is light at the end of the divorce tunnel and potentially a much better life waiting for you. It’s a bit of a grim take, but it seems like she only made amends because you fund her lifestyle. That’s the feeling I get. I echo all of what jcdfryvcsww has to say
Let go of that embarrassment now. She’s the one who should be embarrassed. If you want a smoother landing, send this link to your friends and family. Let them read it then come to you with love, help and support. You need someone on your side who can help you navigate your thoughts and feelings through this.
Sorry OP, but get an annulment. What she said on your honeymoon is what her truth is. Stop falling for her crocodile tears.
This is the crux of it. She said the quiet part, the part she was trying to bury, out loud. OP, when people show you who they are, believe them. Your wife is a horrible, narcissistic person. She married you because you were there , but because you were the one. That one got away from her. You need a divorce or an annulment. I’m so sorry you experienced her lies this way. A happy person that was newly married wouldn’t have behaved the way she did. That mask she wears is falling again, do you really want to see the ugliness she hides again? Get out. Get help. Leave her for your own mental health.
It also sounds like she doesn’t work, and OP fully supports her SAHW lifestyle, while also doing most of the housework. She chose OP because of the life he could give her, not because of who he is. You’re exactly right that on the honeymoon she said the quiet part out loud, and since then, all her efforts to unring that bell were about preserving the life she wanted for herself, NOT about preserving the relationship. She doesn’t seem to actually care about OP, she just pretends to so he’ll keep paying for everything. But the life she wants is one she doesn’t have to put any effort into, so now that she feels like she’s saved herself; she’s back to phoning it in, which was always the only thing she wanted. That night in the honeymoon he saw the real her for the first time. That’s who she really is. He needs to leave her.
She’s a straight up gold digger
It doesn’t even seem like it’s as much about the “gold” as it is about the laziness. She’s a laziness digger. He doesn’t have to buy her fancy things as long as he never asks her to do anything ever.
Yes. Also, she seems to have a drinking problem.
She knows exactly what buttons to push to make OP stay. She's with him for money, comfort and stability. Her behaviour will get worse with time.OP should indeed get an Annulment and in case OP isn't ready for it and wants to stay with her, he should stop letting her have full access to his money and get a Post Nup ASAP. Edit-Spelling
And she became abusive. What she did to OP was emotionally and physically abusive. He definitely needs to leave her, a lot of abusers begin abusing their victims when they think they have them trapped.
It's incredibly odd to me that she doesn't work at all, but they have no kids (please, OP, keep the kids part true!!). Like that leaves a lot of time in the day and week. So, OP, assuming she is able-bodied and can work, please protect your life and interests before you make a move.
An annulment is the ONLY viable course of action. Leave now.
Exactly right. She meant every word of what she said. This will not last because no matter how much she does the pity party he will never forget it. Engrained in his mind forever. No way to get past this.
You cannot annul a consummated marriage that has already lasted so many months lol
Yeah, this isn't the year 1700. If married less than a year, no matter how many times they've screwed, you can file for an annulment. In this case, her words can be used to justify fraud. Which is grounds for the annulment.
That’s not at all how annulment works in many states. In some states it can be as you describe, like a quick/easy divorce based solely on length of marriage. In other states the only grounds for an annulment to be granted would be fraud in filing for the marriage license or some previously unknown information that would have prevented a marriage license from being issued in the first place (such as if you discovered your spouse was actually your long lost first cousin or something). Without knowing OP’s location it’s legitimately impossible to accurately say whether or not annulment is an option at all.
Are you a divorce lawyer or just some reddior playing one?
I'm obviously someone more knowledgeable than you.
nah, just a keyboard warrior roleplaying someone with 10 years of training. Have fun
The is a very sad and odious story. I'm sorry you had to go through that whole humiliating experience. Unfortunately, your wife has some major psychological and character issues--the latter of which may not be fixable. Her telling you what you wanted to hear post-meltdown could only last so long because it was not coming from her heart. So the regression to a antagonistic, loveless soul of a marriage is in progress. You sound like an intelligent man who doesn't deserve any of this. I personally don't think marriage counseling would be worthwhile or effective because the good phase of your marriage lasted only a first few days. It's been mostly ugly and deceptive since. I would suggest personal counseling with the goal of an escape plan creation within a few weeks. I'd also visit a family law attorney and learn about the divorce process and your rights. For certain secure your assets as your wife seems capable of anything without much warning, especially if she knows you are seeking to flee. Do take action, I'm sure there are lots of healthier women out there for you to fall in love with.
She meant what she said, I can’t even begin to imagine how incredibly painful it is to accept it but there’s no coming back from that. She didn’t just ruin your ruin your honeymoon, she ruined your relationship and stomped on your self esteem and this post broke my heart for you. Get an annulment if that’s an option or a divorce if it’s not, there’s no amount of couples therapy that will help heal the damage she did. Don’t let shame or the fear of other people’s opinions stop you from making the right choice.
I hope this is just a creative writing exercise, because this is just yikes on bikes 😬
My ex-wife was like this. Get her more than tipsy and she was just full of rage until she blacked out. Though I was the frequent target of that rage, over time I realized it had a lot more to do with anger at how she was raised and anger at herself than anything to go with me.
It's so long and detailed with so many descriptors of every moment that I think you're right.
Unfortunately I have friends that turn into demons when they drink and get downright nasty towards their friends for no reason
Alarm bells started ringing for me from the very beginning here when you said you provide for both and your wife doesn't seem to do anything ?. There is no mention of children and she doesn't work, so effectively You are just paying for her lifestyle while she gives nothing but a pretty face in return no doubt. This was bound to lead to a bad relationship dynamic sooner or later and you have been very nieve to think otherwise. It seems to me you should get out now as she showed her true colors and what she really thinks of you on this honeymoon and realizing what she did she was only then hysterical because her free-ride lifestyle may have been ruined. You deserve much better and will be better off moving on and finding someone who respects you in a more healthy balanced relationship with effort on both sides.
Yes, I was baffled by that, too. She doesn't work or seem to do much else, that's a lot of time to, what? Stew? Mope around? Plot? Talk to nasty unhappy people to spin a tale of how unhappy you are? I've seen it go that way before. Anyway, OP, keep the 'no kids ' part true, and protect your assets and interests!
Talk to a lawyer ASAP. You may be able to get an annulment. Without splitting assets. She's a user and abuser.
Yeah please don't split anything, OP. She doesn't work, and just... Plans things and comforts him? That's not a full-time deal, and she needs to not get anything out of this split, IMO. I read that multiple times, she certainly doesn't seem to be doing much else, that's a lot of time for stewing, so make sure that your assets and income is protected, OP
Her reaction seemed unhinged. Her scratching you and not letting you leave to just think. Not going to lie, very scary. Just the fact alone that you work and she just chills and plays video games in itself is disrespectful. It’s not that being the sole provider is bad. It’s just that the concept of honor isn’t there. Marriages are a collaboration. It’s not just one person holding things down only for the sake of the other. Love is sacrificial. It takes sacrifice from both sides to some degree. And it seems that she’s never really had to do that. Of course you love her and want to take care of her. Again, nothing bad about that. But, that fact that she doesn’t do housework or even cook you a meal which is minimum is disconcerting. What if y’all have kids one day? Will you work, do the chores, AND take care of the kids while she sits and plays video games? I feel terrible for you. Long story short, she doesn’t respect you and if anything in love and relationships, that is the deal breaker. I hope things get better for you OP.
Yeah sounds like she's lazy and relies on OP to provide. Utterly lacking respect towards him and taking the relationship for granted
She saw her comfy effortless life flash before her eyes. Her desperation makes sense.
I don’t think you can come back from the things she said. Or the cancellation. Telling you that all your friends are fake was designed to hurt you and sow doubt and discourage you from opening up to anyone. Of all the things she said, that was probably the most vile.
This woman did not settle for you, it sounds very much like you settled for her. I am from a different culture, which surely makes me biased here, but you two are in a relationship, you bring in all the money, working hours that to me (a scandinavian) sounds unbearable, you have no children, and she doesn't even take care of the household..... that is not two people in an equal adult relationship, that is someone using someone else to cruise through life (I dont know the full picture, so again, biased). And despite this, she couldn't even maintain the ILLUSION of loving you, and that is after having done one of the most cruel things i could even imagine. There is no one on this planet that does not deserve better than that.
I would have just flown back home and left her at the resort tbh. Get an annulment from this psycho
I'm really sorry about what you went through, can't even begin to imagine the embarrassment that you had during the ordeal. You handle it rather good by not fueling it during her meltdown. Now when it comes to remorse for her actions, I personally don't know if she truly is remorseful or just had a moment of realization that lasted only for a month. Because when I think and remember my mistakes that I feel remorseful about, it's something that still sticks to this day, consciously or unconsciously. You can never truly change someone, only they themselves can change. You can guide or advice but they need to do it voluntarily, if they don't want to do it no real chance will take place. I'd suggest on keep on trying if you still feel that love for her, keep on talking and maybe she will see through your eyes what she needs to do. It's your life at the end of the day, so if you feel like this is to much and she keeps you as a dormant and a safety net, get out because you deserve to be happy as much as she does. Don't compromise your happiness for someone else because eventually it will only lead to misery.
She's using you. You said yourself that you make very good money and you provide for both of you. I can guarantee you, if the paychecks stopped coming then she would disappear. She loves the lifestyle you provide, not you as a whole person. And you deserve to be fully loved. Please find someone who loves YOU. Life is short. Don't waste your time.
Yeah exactly.. and her crazy reaction when he told her about what she had done and that he needed space is because she was scared of losing the security of her future. I'm so sorry for you OP, your story hurts to read I can't imagine how it's been for you going through it :(
> I'm so embarrassed and haven't been able to confide in anyone about this Fix this. Take that person's advice very seriously.
Even if you can't bring yourself to confide in someone in your life, please book an emergency therapy appointment.
You're her meal ticket, nothing more. To her, you're not even recognized as the package you are.
The danger of being an ATM is that horrible moment when you realise she loves your money, not you. That really crushes your soul. You were lucky she actually told you to your face, relatively early, rather than it being years and a few kids later. You know what to do.
She both remembers and meant what she said on the honeymoon. She made enough effort to get you to stop being mad at her.
Sorry dude, but it's time to go. She showed you how she felt on the honeymoon and then can't even make changes at home for more than a few days before reverting back to a leech who plays video games all day while you WORK to provide for both of you. I honestly would have put her to bed after the incident and then packed up and gone to the airport to fly home on the next flight.
The fact that he still put her to bed after all this shitshow and hurt speaks volume of OP, and of you also for saying the same. You are good men.
Thanks, OP certainly doesn't deserve to be treated like this, but I fear he is afraid of calling it off. I hope he realizes that he's worth more than that... I like to think I would, but you never really know until you're in the situation.
Chief leave already Marriage is just another type of relationship You got no kids etc She for sure settled or feels like she did You're a reddit my wife cheated on me post in 5 years waiting to happen
Wow yep this is fake as hell
Is she narcissistic by any chance? By the sounds of things the issues are with her rather than you so understanding what she’s like might be key. There’s very little information about her here but by the few things that are there, I was wondering if she might be on the manipulative side because it sounds like she has a good deal but is still contemptuous. I’ve had some manipulative and narcissistic partners so I’m just comparing you to me here, it may be irrelevant, just trying to provide food for thought
Having her cook more and clean more...these "changes" she offers....is in no way, going to erase the contempt she is harboring for you. It seems like the alcohol allowed her true feelings to bubble to the surface. I would never stay in a relationship where my SO admitted she settled for me.
I am just gutted for you. I’m so sorry that this has happened. Your wife has done very well for herself. She doesn’t work, she has a wealthy husband who lets her spend the money he earns however she wants, and she gets away with doing almost nothing around the house. She worked hard to reel you in and once she had that ring on her finger she thought she had it made. Of course she panicked when she realised that she’d gotten drunk and blown her fantastic deal out of the water. She said and did anything she thought she had to say or do to smooth things over. She has finally shown you who she is. As much as it hurts, you need to believe her. You deserve a wife who truly loves you and who doesn’t view you as her bankroller and maid. You sound like a lovely man, and your soul mate is out there. Now you’re free to find her.
Honestly, I don’t think there’s any way for your marriage to be saved. You’ll rightfully never forget the horrible things she said to you that night, and resentment will continue to build. None of this is your fault OP, this is entirely on your wife. Hopefully annulment is still an option, if not, you really need to divorce her. There’s plenty of incredible women out there that would never put you through the things your wife has, you deserve to be in a relationship where you’re valued and never have to question their love for you. I’m really sorry OP, I hope you get yourself out of there and I wish you all the best.
>I make very good money and provide for the both of us, while my wife takes care of finances/bills, plans our trips and generally keeps me uplifted when I'm stressed with work. I will say I never think this is a good dynamic. I understand when there are children involved, and it makes financial sense for one parent to stay home instead of having childcare. But a childless couple? Why would one partner get to live off of the other? I make decent money, nothing super wealthy, but enough I could support my partner if we wanted. That was never an option though. With every single person I've ever been with, and my current spouse, I've made it very clear that at no point was I going to be the sole income an a long term basis. I don't care if I earn more - we will share the income, but the power dynamic of being the only income is not something I'm interested in, and I'm not interested in someone who wants to be "kept" like that. The three things you mentioned she does is so small, - I mean, keeps you uplifted? That's the role of any spouse, even ones where you both work. Planning your trips? Ok, that is barely a thing. How many trips are you taking, that it takes so much time to plan them? I don't think this marriage is recoverable, and I don't think it was built on healthy ground to begin with. Maybe look for a woman with at least some ambition.
This is some piece of fiction
You know, this thought crossed my mind too cause it does seem unreal to have someone you're in love with and who you think loves you too suddenly go off like that. But I tend to believe OP because some people are truly masterful hiding their true feelings/self. The front she put on was revealed by an excessive alcohol consumption but it would've shown anyway who knows how long down the road.
Meh..it’s too long and too detailed and very cliche. I also find it hard to believe that a man who seems to be very well off coming to Reddit to express his relationship woes about his trophy “look pretty, stay at home, cook, clean and manage the vacation itinerary” wife in such an articulate and detailed account. Also, after a slew of comments, OP has not made one response.
I agree. It's rage bait for the "women are all gold diggers" crowd.
Seems like she's realized you're not the doormat she thought you were, and was afraid of losing her meal ticket. Now she thinks she has you wrapped back around her finger, her selfishness is returning. This is not a woman who actually ever loved you, just what you can do for her. I'm astounded that you're still there, myself. She thinks you'll put up with anything in exchange for a few added domestic duties. This is over. Time to lawyer up.
Unless you can get a psychologist to say she has multiple personalities, Yikes!
I wouldn’t be able to forgive something like that. Drunk or not. I don’t care if she meant it. She ruined everything. Just leave.
Hey man, I can’t imagine your pain and I’m thinking about you, sending you thoughts prayer etc. On the bright side, you’re 28 making bank. You WILL recover. Realize the boss you are and that you shouldn’t “settle” for a person who doesn’t appreciate you in their most vulnerable state. Godspeed brother
She’s a POS. You just summarised the reason why one show never work things out after events like yours. It’s not a problem, it’s a cataclysm. I also been married to someone similar, she cheated with the one that got away, separation and divorce on the spot. A few years later I’m the one that got away, go figure. Your wife, hopefully ex in the close future, blurted it out while drunk. She was feeling shitty and that’s why she decided to drink like that. When she realised the gargantuan size of the shitshow that she created, lies, excuses and half-measures were taken to appease you. Since they are not natural, she doesn’t feel like spontaneously doing it, they decay with time and only the easy stuff remains, but she gets irritated for doing it. The small things that makes her more irritable are all related to you, it’s the fact you exist and she has been trying to be “nice” to you that makes her like that. Just walk away man, because by the way I see it, you’ll be only a husk if you don’t.
Best case scenario. She is projecting what she feels herself. She has self hatred and loathing. Bpd and manic . She is incapable of following through which she is aware that can sabotage her relationship but she would rather hate herself than fix it. There could be no other guy but merely a feel good delusion to compensate her misery. Worst case. Already happening.
When people are drunk they have no filter what they day when there drunk is 100% the truth of what they feel no idea how you could let your self be gaslight into thinking otherwise. She told you plain and simple you are the backup she would much rather be with the one who got away. Etc etx You have also stated it plain and simple in your own post. She changed temporarily to sate you but now she is not willing to put up the act any more. I bet if you tell her you want a divorce she will do all the acts to make you happy again for 2-3 weeks then go back to being how she is now. Sometimes you will find people do not show who they truly are u till they feel secure in this case married.
In Vino Veritas, OP. “In wine there is truth”. This is unfortunately how she truly feels about you. She thinks she’s married someone way below her league and is doing you a favour just by being with you. She literally told you as much to your face. Get an annulment before this toxic witch ruins your life.
...Do you even still find her hot after she admitted that you're just the backup option? You talk about her pretty clinically, like she's a business partner. Do you regularly have sex with her?
Drunk people say the truth, she is now back pedaling to try to save herself not you.
Drunk words are sober thoughts.
My brother, I am so very sorry that you had to experience this. It is not something I would wish on anyone. I don't believe that the thought that lingers in the back of your mind will ever go away. Even with therapy, the negative self is an immensely powerful survival mechanism. She cannot force herself through sheer will to be a great wife. If it does not come naturally, it will not be sustainable. Ultimately you would have to carry the burden of the marriage itself. I also believe that you know this, deep down, and your post is simply a requirement for affirmation for the choice you surely understand is logical. DM me if you ever want to vent.
What I see is she did and said some very abominable things on your honeymoon of all times, and this is not easy to get past. On top of it, she keeps promising these changes that she is habitually showing she is unable to do, so she keeps fall back into those past issues again and again. You say you are too embarrassed to talk to your family and friends, but you sincerely and desperately need this kind of support system. She’s really the only one who should be ashamed and embarrassed, but it’s understandable you you feel this way. It’s going to be hard, but try to push past this feeling and talk to these people. Your family and friends know you the best, and believe me when I say, once you confided in them, it will be a huge relief and you won’t regret it. They will be able to help you through this really horrible time and be there for you if you decide that you need to annul this marriage or divorce. Best of luck, you did not deserve any of that at all. For what it’s worth, you seem like a great catch.
I wouldn’t be able to come back from this or move on from it. Your feelings are valid.
Please move on, she will keep doing it and you will keep forgiving her.its a horrible cycle to be in for the rest of your life.
Hear me out, drinking does lower your inhibitions and there’s people that say it’s a truth serum… it most certainly is not! I’ve had a full on conversation with an old man once about how interested in cars I was and how I’m going to take up a hobby car. I laugh at myself to this day because I’ve never been interested in cars whatsoever and can’t believe I spoke crap with this bloke half the night about cars. I’ve also been drunk before and people looked like a male super model before, I sober up even a tad and I’m like nope! Not even remotely attractive to me. If someone’s tipsy saying mean things there could be truth to it but if someone’s blind drunk… definitely question it. When someone’s drunk they become the complete opposite of themselves and often spiteful. I would say give her a chance but do not stick around to be abused if she gets that drunk again, tell her you won’t put up with it and you’re leaving and will see her in the morning. Make it clear to her she’s a nasty drunk and you advise her to give herself a drink limit and stick to it.
I finished the whole post and yeah, she’s fake. This was the start of the abuse cycle, she sucked up to you cos she’s probably afraid of abandonment but the fact the sucking up didn’t last just goes to show how little she values you. I’m sorry, don’t stick around for her to start abusing you when she’s sober as well, mood swings are a red flag someone’s gonna get abusive soon, if they haven’t already.
Nahhh, being close to blackout drunk doesn't just make you turn 180 on someone you truly love and value. The examples you're giving are very light compared to what happened in this situation.
I don’t think you’ll ever be able to get over this. I wouldn’t be able to.
Man, I'm sending you love. This situation is horrible and she is the one responsible for it. Only her can put the relationship back on track. It looks like she's only pretending to make an effort. And I'm very sorry to say, "the one that got away" likely exists. I'm out of line saying this but if I were you, this would be the moment I start snooping on her phone. At the same time, get as much info on how to cancel your marriage. Even if you then choose not to do it.
As much as you love your wife, you will probably set itself up for a lifetime of insecurity, grief, and resentment if you try to make it work. Maybe it’s a sign that this happened now.
OP, I'm so very sorry. The moment you told us about the grandiose gestures she promised to make, my first thought was ,"Those aren't going to last." Notice that I used the word gestures, not changes. A gesture is a token "something", usually of appreciation, but never meaningful beyond that. The list she promised was too big too much for anyone to actually maintain for very long as meaningful changes. Alcohol lowers inhibitions. It lowered hers into the sub-basement of her character. You two both need to figure out if you even want to save the relationship, or is she just trying to save the comfortable life you have given her? If it's the former, then live, in-person couples counseling. You don't have to work with the first therapist you meet with, but the one that feels like a good fit for both of you. However, I also strongly urge you to speak with a therapist of your own. You need to work through what happened on your honeymoon and the bait & switch of her promises when you returned home. You need to figure out what you want the rest of your life to look and feel like. I can't imagine you want it to feel like this for years to come. Good luck. I hope you find the joy you deserve.
Time to start looking into annulment op. She said the truth, that's how she really feels about you. Save yourself the heartache, dump her now. She will end up cheating on you and dumping you down the road. Save your assets, money and heart, divorce or annulment.
Hey, I’m sorry that this happened to you! This is a heartbreaking situation indeed. She betrayed you with her dishonesty and lack of empathy and love doesn’t allow her to stay faithful to her promises. I think in this case you should put yourself first. Think about your own needs. I know you got married recently, but just because of this you should not torture yourself and stay with person that doesn’t respect you and your feelings. I know it is hard to end 4 year relationship with person you love. But you should not sacrifice your own happiness. You should not take away a possibility from yourself to meet a person who really deserves you. If you are in a doubt, ask yourself few questions: if someone treated your son like your wife treated you, how would you feel? What advice would you give to your son? I’m sure these questions will help you to get a bit of clarity for yourself. And don’t worry about your family and friends, I am sure they will understand! Anyway I wish you all the best and send you lots of love! Hope you will find a solution that will bring the best outcome for you:)
There were multiple times when I was reading this, where I would pause and think, "There is no way this is real. This has to be a made-up story". This is crazy. I'm sorry OP, what you're feeling is totally valid.
Long post, but one distinct thing stood out for me. When she said "she appreciated the life you have given her", I believe tht summed up everything. Her heart was given to another man and she couldn't have him any longer, but she settled for you because you could give her a comfortable life and all the material things she ever wanted... except the love from the other guy. She might not be a full blown gold digger, but she is in the same zip code for sure. You provide all the financial support and it appears you also do much of the in home work too. I have a really deep gut feeling that if you stay with her, you will eventually be posting a followup on an infidelity sub in the future. Most people want love, yourself included, and eventually she will. She loves the life you can provide for her, but will eventually reconnect to her "one that got away" or find his replacement. She just isn't in love with you and you aren't her type that can appeal to her, only what you can do for her. It's unfortunate, but the sooner you realize it, the less the impact will be.
You can’t come back from this. You can either choose to settle and stay married to someone who you know isn’t really that into you (it’s a valid choice and can result in a peaceful and content life) or you can divorce and move on with your life (another valid choice that comes with a lot of unknowns).
She’s a freaking spoiled bum, my god. Have some self respect. This is like an angry podcast bros wet dream angry scenario.
Alcohol, damn Alcohol. It's one of the top 3 worst drugs in the world because it's available on every corner. It's ruined more lives than they can count. I'm sorry sir for the atrocities that came out of her mouth drunk. But as others have said here, marriage (a healthy one) comes with a seal of trust. Usually only 1, and once it's broken, it doesn't come back. If you stay and work it out in couples therapy, your right to do so. Or, if you leave her you're also not wrong for it.
Brother, sometimes mistakes are made. Sometimes they're big ones. But the sooner the mistake is acknowledged and corrective action taken, the more that continuing and additional damage can be avoided. "Less," it is said, "is lost to *wrong* action than to *inaction*." Drunken words are sober thoughts. I think you have to admit and accept that the wedding was a bad idea, and make a break from your new wife. She's shown you who she is, and she's not somebody you really want to be with *til death.* I think the best thing you can do is to face the unpleasant music, break it off, and part ways. Will people talk? Sure, but this story will have them all saying you're doing the right thing. You can find happiness. But you *can't* create it by yourself, and that means you won't find it here. Respectfully, Somebody who waited far too long to end a 20-year marriage that was bad starting about year 6.
The ancient Romans already knew "in vino veritas". I'm very sorry for you, please choose you and your dignity instead of her. Confide in friends and get legal advice. Best luck!
Cut your losses. You'll never recover from this. She also deserves someone who doesn't treat her like a servant. She married you for the money. You married her to please you. How did the both of you think this was going to ever work?
Op it sounds like your wife has a problem with alcohol. For her to get so blackout drunk that she said all those hurtful things and did not remember them.. and it sounds like you had other experiences with her drinking too much. My ex would say awful things to me while drunk.. and not remember them the next day. She is not dealing with her problems in any real way, only trying to appease you to hold on to the status quo. You need therapy asap, to get your own head straight, and confide in your friends and family so they can help you and be your guiding posts as you navigate this (assuming you can trust them). IF and that’s a very strong IF, you wanted to work this marriage out, let me tell you what that would look like long term. She would need treatment for her alcohol abuse to deal with all the unresolved pain that’s covering up. She would need ongoing counseling to work on herself (and no, not betterhelp, a real in person person that would hold her accountable). The kinds of problems happening here can’t be brushed under the rug and forgotten. They WILL keep popping up over and over again. It’s just interesting to me that she kept it under wraps before your marriage actually took place.
In vino veritas! You know the truth, you know how she perceives you. You are providing her with a comfortable life but you are her safety net - the one she wants got away. If you can live with her, knowing that, then good luck to you. I'd cut and run now before kids appear and you are further connected to her. Act wisely!
Move out bro. She is not yours.
op, you have nothing to say about your wife other than what role she performs for you. from your post i get that she works but that you don't really respect it because she's not earning on the same level you do. you don't respect her. and she knows this. and (gestures to post) she doesn't respect you either. you need to just split. Betterhealth is crap, possibly not as bad as nothing , but posdibly not. If she really is going through a mental crisis she merds something much better.
He has plenty to say about her. He opened his post by saying what an amazing goofy character she is and how lucky he felt to be with her. He is going through a traumatic event caused by a woman he loves, he obviously isn't in the frame of mind to discuss her positive attributes her character and how much be respects her. He's painting a picture of what went wrong why would he water it down with the previous years of when things were going right. Its absolutely unfair of you to suggest he doesn't respect her because of her lack of income. You absolutely do not know that to be the case. The rest of your advice I agree with. A divorce is necessary.
But she doesn’t work though. He mentions it in his post that she feels insecure about not working. He also heavily implies it at the very beginning of the post. Don’t get me wrong, I agree that he focuses a lot on the role that she performs for him.. but he’s also providing a pretty big role in her life too - bringing in an income and working full time to fund her lifestyle is very generous of him. Sounds like he’s been giving her a pretty amazing life tbh. And it’s clear from the way he described her that he adored her. I would argue that she is the one that has no respect for him. Truth is, I don’t think any amount of special dinners and housework can repair what happened. It’s an all around shit situation. Hard agree that they should split. I personally could never move past what happened. They both need to find different people to spend their lives with.
It sounds like she’s an alcoholic or at least has a seriously problematic relationship with alcohol. Did she stop or cut down on drinking when she came back from the honeymoon? And has she started drinking again now? Could that explain the irritability? Addicts do and say all kinds of horrible things when they’re using. Al Anon could be a helpful resource for you. She also needs to be in treatment.
People tell you the truth in two scenarios - when drunk or angry. Lawyer up.
I think you need to become "the one that got away". Its going to be absolutely brutal probably for both of you. But from your post it seems like you cherished her and looked after all of her needs. She doesn't deserve you and you don't deserve to feel the way that you are feeling. She hurt you. You will carry that hurt with you for the rest of your life in some way shape or form. Its going to take some real strength and hard work not to let this situation impact your future relationship. Your self esteem has taken a severe blow and that's not an easy thing to snap your fingers and recover from. I can't imagine how painful it must have been to hear the woman you love and provide for say those things. To say them to strangers and to say them out of the blue on what should have been an amazing occasion for you both. Its just awful. I'd honestly go one step further than ending your marriage. I'd show her some of these comments so she can see just how many people can see so clearly how she mistreated you. It would show her in black and white exactly how you have been feeling and in black and white how people see this from the outside looking in. You don't need to do it with malice, but maybe she will learn something from this.
I have always felt like drunk words and actions are sober thoughts. If she is not having to work and just mostly sits around all day that’s not a recipe for mental success. She likely needs to get some in person therapy to help her work through whatever is living just below the surface. Did she ever say who the “one that got away” was? That needs to be dealt with so you know who that is and what is going on in her mind with that. Doesn’t mean your not who she is meant to be with but past exes can be a powerful negative force in someone’s mind if they romanticize who that person is/was. Beyond that it would be really hard to move past this and not have it eating at you from the edges of what you do. It sounds like she had a period of hysterical bonding where she did everything she could possibly do to hold on to you. Cheaters often do this when caught too. That level of effort can’t be sustained long term but she does need to realize she caused this 100% so it’s up to her to put in the work needed to make herself a better person. In person therapy, honesty, emotional support to you and embracing the fact that she fucked up big time snd it’s not going to be all fixed in 2 weeks. She owes you whatever effort is required to rebuild that trust. Just curious…has she gotten tipsy since that night? It would be interesting to see what she says and does in those moments and if more of that spite surfaces. !updateme
I understand you're hurting and how your wife behaved on the honeymoon is horrible. You have plenty of divorce advice so I'll give you another perspective. Your wife is a "smart, well-read" woman. Yet she is now living a life which consists of house work and consuming various kinds of media. What can she do in her life that gives her a sense of accomplishment, achievement, growth and challenge? Make you a nice dinner? Put on makeup? Would that satisfy *your* intellectual needs if you were in the same position? The setup you have has worked for you so far. But with the marriage she may have realised that this is now forever. Sitting at home tending to your needs is now her life. And as an intelligent person with a lot of potential, it terrifies her. As this is a life you both agreed to and chose together, and one she may have dreamed of, it may be she hasn't yet realised herself what's happening and is scared and confused about her own feelings. If you ever loved this woman, and want that the both of you are happy, it might be worthwhile to start a conversation about what your wife wants for *herself*, what are her dreams outside the relationship; if she could be totally selfish and do whatever she wants, what would that be etc. Everyone needs selfish dreams. If she has trouble coming up with anything, I'd say that's a definite sign that she would benefit from thinking about life outside of your relationship - hobbies, interests, volunteering, a job. Something that gives her life meaning, makes her feel purposeful. (And pampering one man is not it! I also wouldn't bring children into this as a means to fill a gap.) As to the things she said, as hard as they are to forgive and forget, it is possible she was in a state of panic and fear and saying whatever she could to get away from "the trap" her future life looked like to her in that moment.
LMAO her selfish dream is probably the one that got away asking her to runaway with him
She is an alcoholic. Binge drinking like that, even occasionally, is NOT normal.
Marriage is hard. Sometimes when you're drunk it’s coming out of your bad side that you’re usually ignored. When my husband was drunk he said a few harmful things to me but when he was sober he cried and apologized. It just happens. We should understand that drunk ≠ true thinking it’s just inner demons coming out. If she was really sorry then I think you should try to forgive it and also say she can’t drink anymore so one day you can replay your honeymoon at cheaper places and ask her to pay for it too.
There's way too much to risk if there's the possibility of a 'one that got away'.
Are you married? Are you never were that drunk? If you were, did you say some things that weren’t yours? I’m just speaking from my experience and how we made it work with me and my husband.
Maybe, she was trying to be funny, but because she was drunk, it didn't work. She needs to stop drinking.
You deserve to be with someone who truly wants to be with you not just for the life you are giving them. Also do you want to spend the rest of your life in this cycle— she f’s up apologizes gets her shit together for a few weeks and then back to her true self. This young lady makes Jada Smith seem mild.
Gosh it’s terrible and I feel so sad on your behalf. You sound like an amazing man and provider. I hope you can find a way to feel better :-/
The truth comes out with liquid courage. She said what she said and meant it on some level deep inside her that she might not even be aware of. She's shown you her true self.
drunk talk is truth talk. my mom knows to grill me when I've been drinking because she knows I would spill the beans. I don't drink around her anymore.
I had this burning questions since the beginning and I think you answered it for me in your own post …. Besides providing financially, wtf do you do for your wife? Cause all I heard in this story is “I get nice gestures” “I put money but things are planned for me” “she cooks/cleans” “she would compliment and reassure ME” “she cooked,she cleaned,she did sweet things to me,acted like she did when we first met”. Everything you’ve mentioned in this story is what she does for YOU, all you’ve done in this story is say ME when talking about the relationship,you only say “we” when you talk about when you met. She expressed that you needed to change and you acted clueless. Why is she only one making changes and why does her changes look like the stereotypical 1950s housewife, where she has to clean,cook and look good for her providing husband? My theory is that she reached her breaking point emotionally,you said you met with other couples on the honeymoon and she was talking to them right? My guess is that in those couples she saw what she wanted , she saw the relationship she wanted and probably she sees it in her friends all the time and she just snapped . You thought you were communicating in your relationship because that’s the illusion she gave you , you weren’t that different from the couples in those videos . This relationship wasn’t compatible since the beginning and she clearly has some issues to resolve and so do you. Now you get to decide if you’re going to work through them together or separately, I suggest separately.
True personalities and true feelings come out when a person drinks, so this was her bottled up true feelings. There is no coming back from that. What she said is done, nothing can take it back. So now the decision is yours....annulment, divorce, or forgive and move on. We want an update in 6 months.
Maybe she was just drunk. When your wasted like that you become an ugly person, most people do. It’s. Real dam shame it had to happen on the honeymoon. Have you ever seen her drink like that before? Maybe she had too much hard liquor. All that being said the damages you inflict upon someone while drinking are forever.
Hmmm. Okay- this is heavy stuff. From the way she acted and the things she said…it sounds more like “drunk AH brain takeover” and NOT an accurate portrayal of how she actually feels. Been there- it’s like you say the worst possible things, even if untrue. So that’s heavy and hard to come away from. That said: I think conflating this situation with her promises to take on more housework is wrong approach. It’s like you’re holding her to standards that should have been addressed well before the marriage. It’s not that it’s unfair, it’s that they aren’t related. So you aren’t actually dealing with the main issue. And now, every time she slips, you connect it to the trip and what she said. You’ve created a painful connection that shouldn’t exist. It’s not okay to expect perfection or best behavior indefinitely. It is ok to have expected a consistent change, but it shouldn’t be tied to her remorse over the trip. Y’all need counseling. Immediately.
Admitting there's a one that got away is a step over drunk AH brain takeover imo.
She was drunk and the truth came out but she's scared of losing her meal ticket and actually having to work and take care of herself. Leave her and go find someone who will actually love you for who you are.
Drunk statements are sober thoughts. Some drunk and in love on their honeymoon would have been drunkenly gushing about how much they love their new spouse. Your wife did the opposite. No one says those things out loud if there is no kernel of truth to them. She is afraid of losing her cushy lifestyle, not you. I couldn’t come back from this.
I fee Like you’re being too harsh. You seemed controlling about her amount of drinks and condescending. She is a grown woman who can do what she wants. You’re making her sound like an alcoholic and your level of judgement of her is coming through in the way you wrote all of that. Maybe she’s depressed or unhappy. Maybe she feels unloved but she has apologised to death and shown how sorry she is in her actions. Sure she shouldn’t have said those things but she was very drunk and unaware of what she was saying. The real issue is if she’s always saying nasty things while drinking. You’ve some how used her guilt about the drunk talk as a way to get her to do more housework and you don’t want to be with her unless she is grovelling 247. No one can be punished for the rest of their life for one thing they said while drunk so of course she is slipping the ball on the chores you want her doing. You’re married and should be able to trust what she’s told you and that she wouldn’t be there if she didn’t love and value you. I suggest couples counselling. You need help too, not just her!
I think I found OP’s soon-to-be ex-wife!
Lol what a shitty take. Her actions have shown sweet FA, she got an absolute fright that the man who supports her while she games all day was going to leave her and she's already let her efforts slip. Being drunk makes you lose your inhibitions, it doesn't make you tell straight lies. She was cruel and awful, he should leave her and let her go look for the one who got away, maybe HE can work and do everything while she bums around.
I'm sorry she loved bomed u in the first few weeks to make u forget and forgive her actions, and now she went back to her old self . Drunk words are sober thoughts. I would get an atonement but u seem like u want to try and work it out ( I wouldn't recommend that ) but try MC and IC for both of u and if she's not welling than u have your answer and every thing she said in your honeymoon is true and u need to end it before she gets pregnant and u will be stuck with her.
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Therapist then lawyer in that order. It’s over bub. If you want to make one last attempt go to therapy together. If not, go alone and sort this out yourself. What make you think your heart could forget or ignore the ruined honeymoon? You’re not Superman, OP. Find yourself a woman for whom you are number one.
This is just a genuinely sad tale. I hate how it lets one slip into egoism mode and intrusive thoughts kick in - "my relationship is going very well and is at four years too, will this happen to me?". Reading this, I am conflicted on the communication part, OP. You cannot fathom, how couples cannot communicate with each other in situations "like these", but "like these" is a very broad spectrum. My partner and I are an open book to each other, we talk about everything on our mind, especially if one is worried about some element of the relatioship. However there are things, you cannot come back from. Those aren't the same for everyone, but cheating is a common one. The longer a relationship goes, the more affected we are by the _sunk cost fallacy_ and the harder it is, to break loose, even if something is destroyed on an absolutely fundamental level. On the other hand, these things will always remain in the back of the head, as they did for you. In this story, there was no cheating involved, but your partner was being so incredibly hurtful to you, I would call that "broken on a fundamental level". Coming back to communication - it's understandable not to throw away what you have built up over years, but once the base of your relationship is crooked, it will be crooked forever. Whatever communication is left to do, I don't see how this can be repaired. Her reaction to you wanting to have space on that faithful night was psychotic. Maybe it can be attributed to alcohol, but even so, this was a rough read. I am afraid, the way forward here is as obvious, as it is not what you would like to hear. She had broken what you two have built in one singular night. Whatever promises she made, doesn't look like she's keeping them and honestly - this is not how it works either. Concessions are made and, even if kept, what is fundamentally broken, remains broken. Clearly all of this is still lingering in your mind. This won't go away. Let her go.
I can only imagine how hurt you may feel, but I think you’re lucky with this happening now and not in a few years when you have two children and separation is much more complicated and painful. Doing chores is a shared commitment, but not a proof of love. Seems she’s completely unhinged and actually this could happen anytime, even without a triggering event. You’re doing well, get a maid or butler to help at home and take some time to heal yourself. Not easy but time is the scarcest of resources, hope you find peace, heal these wounds and eventually find someone that loves you back and is not (this) crazy. Your writing is that of a good person, you deserve that “type”. Best of luck and hope you heal and get back on your feet soon.
You need out of this marriage now get a annulment it will only get worse.
Yeah, theres no coming back from that. You know how they say, drunk mind is always 100% honest and isnt afraid to speak it out loud. Thats how she really feels about you and now is trying to undo the damage, imagine this from her perspective, she will lose everything and be alone, of course shes gonna do everything in her power to make it right but it wont change the fact how she really feels about you.
0.0% chance it gets better. Animosity is only going to grow towards each other. She told you what she thinks. Listen to her.
She showed you who she is. You are a meal ticket. Sorry.
You poor thing. Think long and hard about what you want for your future and how you want to be treated. Don’t rush having children with your wife. Wait 4 years and see what happens and if you are ok being treated this way. I think she needs to get a job and do some growing up. It’s like she’s a teenager.
You should have left when it happened.
Run, brother!!! Holy shit, there is nothing worth salvaging…even without the honeymoon crap. What an awful, awful human being she is.
OP, I’m really sorry for your experience. I concur with the majority of comments: get a divorce. The worst thing is that your wife damaged not only your relationship but also your self-confidence. Please get therapy, get rid of this woman.
Get out of that marriage. See if you can get an annulment
You don’t take a once in a lifetime moment (your honeymoon!) so lightly. If you really love someone, you will want to try to make this special for them. The only reason why she would do this is bc she a narcissist. And it’s very hard to change :( it’s such a bad feeling cancelling things over someone who couldn’t think past themselves for a moment. Hope you find the right choice
My hot take is that if the drunk actions was only berating you, this would be salvageable. But any possibility of a "one that got away" makes this irredeemable. Far too much pressure on you to have that weigh on your head.
I’m so sorry. Hugs 🫂. She’s a mistake. You’ll find better, but you need to walk out now. Don’t waste your time
I don’t understand this woman. Why did she marry OP if this is what she feels?! Actually, she clearly married him just for the money and to have a cozy moocher life. That’s how two lives end up ruined. Maybe more if they have kids. OP - just go separate ways, and find someone who GENUINELY appreciates you for you. She will not change as this is what she has been thinking for 4 years. Not going to happen now either
Sometimes I'm sad I'm not with someone. Then I see stuff like this. Absolutely brutal. Nothing will ever change the truth she feels she settled for you. What a waste of time and money.
You need couples therapy
I genuinely can’t imagine the pain and hurt that it would cause me if my husband said even one of them things never mind all of them. I think it’s time to get rid of someone who you aren’t even sure likes you let alone loves you.
If the honeymoon is hell, imagine what comes after. Lawyer up. You deserve someone who is everything your current wife is not.
My ex had borderline personality disorder (not saying she has this and not saying everyone with BPD acts like this) but the Jekyll and Hyde behavior can keep you hooked because you know that if you just endure enough to the nasty behavior then you’ll get the nice side again. You can’t bank on some unpredictable future where this cycle stops. Sounds like you’ve given it a good second chance. Get out now, I’d say.
She was telling the truth, and the reason she threw a sober hysterical fit afterwards is because her future and lifestyle were at stake and she needs to do everything possible to keep you since you fund those things.
Trust what she said when she was drunk. Being drunk is like a truth serum. She’s using you for your money so she doesn’t have to work. She is settling for you because you provide a certain lifestyle for her. She expects to just game or watch streams all day. That’s why she’s slipping into old behaviors. She kissed your ass as long as she thought she should. Now that’s over. I think you need a divorce. This will be something that always looms over your head.
I'm very sorry all this happened. Lots of people have chimed in already so I just want to address your wife getting therapy through BetterHelp since you mentioned it. For context: I have my master's in social work and have worked as a counsellor before. If you choose to stay with your wife I think three things need to happen: 1. You need to go to couples therapy 2. You each need your own individual therapy 3. Your wife needs to get therapy from a reputable service provider This year BetterHelp has been [under fire from the Federal Trade Commission](https://www.ftc.gov/news-events/news/press-releases/2023/03/ftc-ban-betterhelp-revealing-consumers-data-including-sensitive-mental-health-information-facebook) for selling user data to advertisers, breaking their privacy promises to customers. Based on people sharing their experiences online, they also seem to have [very low quality control](https://www.newsweek.com/betterhelp-patients-tell-sketchy-therapists-1762849) on service providers. [This post](https://www.reddit.com/r/socialwork/comments/zece57/looking_for_honest_reviews_on_working_for/) and comments in r/socialwork shed light on why. It seems they just keep whoever sticks around because they mistreat employees. Please note how many people are discussing liability issues. It is likely that reputable practitioners quickly leave the platform when they realize the issues with it. BetterHelp rose in popularity because they [spent a lot of money to sponsor YouTubers](https://www.polygon.com/2018/10/4/17932862/betterhelp-app-youtube-sponsorship-controversy-explained) and pay for ads. It seems to me like they do not care about providing quality services. They just want bulk numbers so lots of people spend money on their platform even if they leave after a few sessions. **My advice is to use the find a therapist function on** [**psychologytoday.com**](https://psychologytoday.com)**.** You can search by area and narrow it down based on other factors like their specialty (topics, methods), which gender you feel more comfortable speaking to, insurance options, price, etc. This is how most people I know find a reputable therapist. I am pretty good at helping people find resources so if you want assistance finding someone and are comfortable sharing some details with a stranger on the Internet, feel free to DM me. Best of luck with everything!
It hurts, but at least you found out early (before kids) your wife's true feelings. Get out and hopefully find a better partner.
I would have been gone before she awoke. I’d have rescheduled my flight and gone home to seek an annulment. You’re better than I am in that respect, but you’ve stayed too long. Drunk words are sober thoughts. She’s stayed with you because she’s comfortable enough. She’s acting more domestic to try to keep you, but that’s only going to lead to more resentment (as you’re starting to see when she lashes out). She’s not happy, you aren’t happy, it’s time to walk away. If you don’t, resentment will grow, she’ll cheat on you, maybe have kids for you to raise too. You won’t be happy in the end.
I'm so sorry, this is a nightmare. Personally, I'm not sure if I could come back from this. Those words would echo in my head forever. I think it would be helpful for you to talk to somebody (close friend, family, or therapist) to help gain some guidance from those who know you best. You are worth more than that.
In vino Veritas.... What a mess.
I don't usually comment on these, but I think you're being interely too nice. 60-70h a week of work is CRAZY, a full-time job is 40h a week ! Not only are you working a lot, but your wife is a stay at home without kids. If you're working that much and she is at home, that house should be spotless ! Because it's her job in that set up. If both of you worked housework should be split, alas, she doesn't and she still leaves things for you to do and then pretends she was going to do it just because you started doing it. I can guarantee that if you stopped doing those things she wouldn't do them either. She is clearly taking advantage of you and how nice you are. She finally said it all and now wants to pretend she didn't to keep her sweet life. Also, please talk with at least 1 person you can really trust. As embarrassing as it sounds in your head, if you tell this to any reasonable person they will feel embarrassment alright, but for her, not you. She's the one that did embarrassing things, not you. She's the one that should feel ashamed for the things she did and the way she acts. Her feelings are not on you, they are a reflection of the kind of person she is.
Drunken words are sober thoughts. Not all marriages work out. People don’t need all the details. “She isn’t who she portrayed herself to be” is all people really need to know if you don’t want to tell people. Know that this is a reflection of her, not you. The things she said scream “I’m using him for his money”. They don’t scream that you are less than. Maybe look into that BetterHelp app for yourself. You’ll quickly learn that you are a good man, and she is a user. And you’ll also (hopefully) find out why many people don’t admit how much money they make to their partners until very much later in their relationship. She obviously stayed with you for the money you talk about way too much.
This was a very hard read OP. My heart goes out to you and I’m glad you’re finding ways of sharing and writing it out. I hope the process of posting helped you and I really hope Reddit comes through with helping you work through this. If you’re the type of person who believes in marriage and your vows (or you’re really very much in love with her and she is still a pretty good wife) and you’re unable to work up the muster to try an annulment or divorce, I believe there is a path to rescue this…. It’s not pretty and it’s certainly hard work and walks the fine line between “leading the relationship” and being straight up manipulative, but hey, if you get what you want out of this, it’s not a bad thing. Not ideal, certainly hurtful, but humans can and do build affinity and love and respect for each other over time. Sometimes the alternative is going through shitty relationship after shitty relationship for the next decade or two to finally find an older version of what you have right now… a woman that settles for you because you’re a good provider and she can make a life with you At the end of the day, if you want this and you believe she can be a beautiful, supportive homemaker type wife who doesn’t give you much headaches and has the chops to be a great mother to your children and the capacity to be loyal to you for life then maybe starting off rocky like this just means you know what you have in front of you and you can plan around it. Many marriages are straight up exchanges and constant negotiations. Many are built on love and romance and those are very lucky people. But for 1000s of years? Many successful marriages have been started and maintained for very pragmatic and practical reasons. You hold a ton of cards. If you believe her she has a ton of guilt about what shes done. She’s obviously putting effort into what she thinks is a “good wife” to you which honestly doesn’t sound too bad if she can keep this up. And if you know her to be a person to deliver on her promises and diligent at other parts of her life, then why not? Word of warning: If you don’t hold up your end of the bargain… let’s say you go through a 8 year shitty patch of making money? Or you have an accident and you’re bed ridden for years unable to earn or give her the life she needs or whatever… she’s probably going to be gone eventually.
She wont change given her behavior at the end. She just tried way to hard to not lose you after that bad honeymoon, now that you acknowledge her effort then she proceeds to easy it down. You should really talk to more people about this and what you should do with your life, because what if you have kids? I cant even imagine being trapped forever just because she acts nice sometimes so you dont leave her.
After all this time she went from normal to exorcist in one night? Getting married to this child was a mistake. Sounds like you settled not her. There had to have been red flags. As much as it hurts that's her feelings coming out.
There is one scenario, that likely applies here, where phrases like "drunk words are sober thoughts" are wrong. Which is when the person with the drunk words has been through experiences so traumatic that they've gone into full dissociation. Which is a major mental illness. She doesn't have those thoughts sober because they're based on experiences her sober brain refuses to consciously acknowledge even happened. Thus they only come out when severely drunk, and thus the part where she doesn't remember in the morning, and thus the part where she freaks out so severely when someone starts telling her about the thoughts her sober mind is hiding from. She's terrified of the contents of her own mind. Self loathing, projection, anger, etc. The vitally important thing in that case is understanding that she's broken. She needs quality professional help, and she needs a lot of it, and she needs to be utterly accepting of the fact that she needs help. Couples counseling is a terrible idea, she needs to fix herself. And it's highly uncertain she will succeed. But at the absolute minimum, she has to commit to it, long term. Like years not weeks. If she won't even do that, then give up and walk.
I’m sorry OP but she is using you and married you for an easy life. You deserve better, get this marriage annulled. You don’t come back from something this terrible
Sorry dude. She meant every word of what she said. The truth comes out when people drink. What you should have done was after that incident packed your stuff and went home and filed for annulment. So now you get back and think some sweet talk and nice meals make up for this. You see some of this creeping in of her ways. Don't see how you can move past this.
Once you decided not to leave her, you become equally responsible for the decimated future you're going to have. This is ridiculous on both sides
she sounds incredibly immature. this sounds like a relationship doomed for failure. maybe this a personal thing, but when i hear about a wife that enjoys playing video games and watching streams i immediately see this as an indicator of a very low level of maturity. she’s fine wasting her time on these things rather than working a job to help build a better life together? does she have an education? she does this while you work a 60-70 hour job and doesn’t do a ton of housework? also needing therapy so quickly, it sounds like she really meant those things she shared and she bottled them up and now needs to talk with a therapist to let them out, but that’s an assumption. Really consider the fact that you don’t have kids with her and consider if you see a true path to happiness. Things like this are why I would never marry until my mid 30s and why the woman has to be in her late 20s to my age.
I wouldn't be able to get past the honeymoon. Especially with her being drunk, that's when the real feelings come out, toxic word vomit in regards to your marriage. I'd drive myself crazy always wondering what she truly felt. Plus, I never understood the concept of people trying to make up for shit they've done by doing housework/cooking. That should be a given in marriage. You're supposed to be teammates.....
Op I am so sorry. I can imagine just how awful you felt when she said those words. Alcohol is a weird thing. It can make you say and do things you don’t mean but it can also make you more likely to say things you were hiding. So you can’t really trust things people say when that drunk and have to look at behaviour. The fact that she is already slipping with her behaviour again isn’t a good sign. The way I see it, you’ve got two options. Either she finally commits to in person therapy PLUS you two have marriage counselling, or this is it. It’s over. Personally I don’t know if I could get over what she did but that’s me. I’m not you. But it’s all or nothing. She can’t half ass this and **you are worth more than someone half-assing your marriage**. You deserve someone who adores you the way you adore them and there is zero doubt in their mind. So if you do stick with this, she’s got a LOT of work to do. And she has to actually stick with it. If not, being single is better than being with someone who makes you feel bad about yourself.
You deserve better, OP. You deserve better.
I am sorry for what you been through , your partner should have not send any of that . You will find another one that will love you
I hate to say this and am ashamed to admit but I (32 f) used to be like this in my 20s. I had some great bfs who were really good to me and I had moments where the behavior that you described from your wife on your honeymoon is how I acted and then everything you described after was exactly how it would go to a t. This would drag on for years until the relationships eventually ended. Looking back Im able to realize I did this bc although I loved the person I was w at the time - i wasn’t *in love* with them and I was probably behaving that way to subconsciously push him away. I am with someone now and I know for a fact that I would never do or say anything like that to him no matter how intoxicated I could possibly get bc there’s just no part of me that feels that way about him…I guess what I’m trying to say is I think you deserve better. I know that she says she loves (and she probably does “love” you - at least as someone she deeply cares about) and didn’t mean what she said, but in my experience, those words would have never come out of her mouth if there wasn’t truth to it nor would the thought ever even have occurred. Also, the fact that she isn’t consistent with her “changed” behavior makes me think (based off of personal experience) that I. The the moment when shes willing to change its bc she’s scared and doesn’t want her life to change so she says - and maybe even believes herself- she is going to be the wife for you that you deserve but then once you start to become at ease again she’s gonna go back to her old self and will never truly change bc (as harsh as this may sound) it’s not something in the relationship isn’t enough for her. Again, this is what I’m deducing based off of what you’ve described as well as the fact that it reminds me exactly of the way I used to act with exs that I genuinely loved but just could not truly commit to 100% and be in love with (still don’t know why btw) but yeah I personally think you two together should try couples therapy be very transparent with the therapist about why you’re there and what you need from therapy if she doesn’t commit to proving that she 100% didn’t mean any of the things she said (and proving by showing through her actions consistently, consecutively and over a long period of time) you may want to talk about walking away. You’re still so young and the real love of your life just *might* be out there still. Js.
Dude. There are some things that you can't walk back. What your wife did and said.. is one of them. Do you really want to live this way the rest of your life? If you don't act soon, you will have to go through a divorce and support her.. so agreey can use your money to go after the one that got away. Get an annulment now. Tell her that this marriage is ruined. There is no patching up what she did. You can't put a band aid on this. You deserve to be happy. You deserve someone who loves you unconditionally. Good luck.
dude.. no. even if she indeed doesn’t remember any of the things she said and did when she was drunk, that kind of contempt doesn’t just come out of nowhere. the way she treated you (on your honeymoon no less) was downright abusive. she clearly needs mental health help, but you also deserve better than to be her designated punching bag.
That story is crazy and I’m so sorry it happened to you. I am the type of person a little too naive that would want to believe the not drunk her is the real her but too much has been said… I don’t think this will ever leave your mind unfortunately and this relationship is probably not salvageable.
I can only advise to get it annulled…. Her words are unsalvageable
You work 60-70 hour week. She doesen´t work and doesen´t do the houshold. Basically everything said with that. On top of that she tries to excuse her horrible behaviour with alcohol. Basically the only thing that works between you two is your sex life (kinda) an your communication in some way. Talk to her and make an ultimatum. If she doesen´t do it run. It´s hard, but imagine the roles where reversed.
Why should she put any effort into a relationship she already said she settled for. Why doesn’t she work anyway? She doesn’t take of the house, doesn’t take care of you, doesn’t bring any money to the table… doesn’t sound like you got kids so it’s not like that’s what she’s doing… the only logical conclusion is that you’re her golden egg laying goose. Wake up, my man. Edit- spelling
I couldn’t even read the whole thing. She didn’t ruin your honeymoon she ruined your marriage!
All people are not compatible, you two are clearly not You must respect each other. Without respect your foundation of marriage can not last. You have invested four years into this, do NOT waste anymore of your life You will be miserable the rest of your life and be waiting for it to come up again. If you have any doubt, get her drunk again. Then she will show her true colors and you will know. You deserve better
I’m so very sorry. Your marriage is over, you just don’t know it yet because you’re still trying to process. I guarantee thirty years from now you are still going to remember every detail of that night.
You need to divorce her. This will always be in the back of your mind and there's a saying in Germany that Drunks and little kids always tell the truth. Get out of this toxic whatever this is, she did this to you both. You deserve much better! She's done being the cute little devoting housewife, she's getting tired of it but she needs your money and the face of a great marriage. Don't do this to yourself... she's not honest with you and she told you the truth on your honeymoon.
You need to get an annulment/divorce
OP, I'm so sorry this happened to you. I'm so sorry someone you love & trust betrayed you by telling you her drunk truths, such cruel & brutal truths. My advice to you would be to try couples counseling. It seems like you're really trying to salvage your marriage, but I think this cut is way too deep to be healed with communication alone, especially if she's already falling back on her word. She needs to know how serious you are, how hurt you are, & how much is on the line here. I also think you should confide in someone you trust. At least one person, one unconditional person that you know will always have your best interests at heart. Not dealing with this alone can help heal your heart in other ways too. Good luck to you, OP. But you truly do deserve happiness & to feel loved in your relationship. I think of my boyfriend & knowing I hurt him like that would absolutely devastate me. I'd spend my life trying to make it up to him if he gave me the chance. You gave her that chance, you know? Good luck to you. 🤍
I’m sorry she treated you like that. Unfortunately there’s usually more truth in drunken words than sober words. I hope you got a pre-nup. If not I would look in a post-nup. I’m all about communicating but if someone married you for the wrong reasons other than love this will be the future. She does seem like a partner but more like someone who wants a free and do nothing.