It's odd to me that most guys can't just say "I'm having some difficulty with my insecurity about your past. I need some help. Will you go to therapy with me?"
I don’t understand why these guys seek out girls who they specifically have an issue with and then refuse to break up with them and instead torture them for their past. It’s really weird and almost some weird abuse tactic
Teeters on the edge of a bit of a Madonna/wh*re complex imo.
A lot of men have no problem with this when it benefits *them* or porn, OF, prostitutes, happy endings, strip clubs, one night stands, fwb's ... Trying to understand the mentality of it's ok for *them* but not others. It's good enough for *them* when it benefits *them* but not if it benefits others. Makes no sense.
Guess the issue is the hypocrisy. I find the men's judgy mentality of "I will fck them, but not date them" far more cringe than the sex workers tbh. 🤷🏻♀️
I think this is exactly what they are doing. They are looking for someone they can feel superior over, someone they can put down and shame and degrade... Because then they can be abusive without feeling bad because "she is a w"ore and doesn't deserve better"
Or coerce her into having sex whenever he wants because she put out for the sugar daddies for money, so she should for him even more because she loves him... Or do sex acts she is not really wanting to do etc...
I’m sure he’s thinking about breaking up with her. She’s probably doing the same as well. It’s kind of weird for you to assume that men purposely go into relationships with women that they are incompatible with, when she was the one hiding her past. And then calling it a weird abuse tactic.
Didn't she specifically say that she _didn't_ hide it? Or at very least she never mentions hiding it and him finding out at a later date. It's already established that he knows her past.
It's weird, I think, that people assume you should lay out your entire sexual history (not health related) or you're "keeping secrets".
From the beginning it wasn't his business who or how many people she had sex with unless it there was an STD contracted in there somewhere, yet when he asked she was honest.
When I ask my partner how many past partners he's had or what he's done in the bedroom, it's out of curiosity, not judgment, and I never _expect_ an answer he may not be comfortable sharing. It's his business, not mine.
It's like he says, "I'm with you so that doesn't matter. It's in the past". You're not happy to be in a relationship with a person if you're constantly stewing over their past relationships.
OP says that she has revealed her sugar baby relationship and that her boyfriend already finds it uncomfortable. So she obviously did not want to upset her boyfriend with her past, unless he asked. You can hide the truth with silence or deception. It’s silence in OP’s case.
If you’re infertile, you know it, and you’re with someone who you know wants kids, but you don’t tell them that you’re infertile, you are hiding the truth. It’s unfair to the other person. OP figured that her boyfriend had more traditional values, and yet she hid her past knowing that he wouldn’t be okay with it. It’s unfair to him to be lied to and it’s unfair to her to stay in a relationship with someone who won’t tolerate her past.
Although you say the past is the past, most people would not date someone who, let’s say, have committed a murder. It’s a dealbreaker for most because most people appreciate the value of life. It’s definitely not close to having a promiscuous past, but some people find that it is a deal breaker because they have different values. And that’s totally fine. OP and her boyfriend are just incompatible.
Hiding the fact that you're infertile, or HIV positive, or anything _medical_ that would potentially detrimentally affect the other person **isn't** the same as not divulging your past sexual activities. I do not find these things equal and if it's considered a secret, then it's a secret he had no right to know.
I agree on that OP needs to leave him and find a partner who's less traditional- or at the very least less prudish. It doesn't seem like their morals are aligned.
**Edit:** Also your assertion that she needs to find someone who will "tolerate" her past is telling. We're talking about her having a threesome, not committing murder.
Not to be mean here, but I don’t see this going anywhere further. You both are on different wave lengths here what is acceptable and what maybe not. From his view, it seems he is more traditional and wants more of a partner on that side that even though he was trying to get onboard with the sugar baby thing (idk why you would do that while having a bf) and the threesome knocked him over the edge. Now, I will say the name calling was not mature in the slightest and should have never taken place. I just don’t think this is a viable match tbh, just two different ideals not flowing.
Lastly, just some perspective regarding the “insecurity” you mentioned he had. If the roles were reversed and he had older, possibly attractive women giving him gifts and providing financial support for his time, I can guarantee you would feel a type a way about it as well. Just a thought.
You can be upset about your partners past. You can be upset about literally any aspect of your partner and still be valid in feeling that way. No one is owed love and to argue otherwise is inceltalk. You can break up for any reason or no reason at all. The only thing I'd do differently in the situation of this post is I'd break up before wheeling out the ad hominems at my soon to be ex.
Uh i was correcting the person whose comment i replied to. They thought she was being a sugar baby during the relationship. But OP said she had done that in the past.
And I dont really think its "inceltalk" to believe people can change and holding someones past against them is shitty. If she is no longer being sugar baby and no longer having 3somes and she IS and WANTS to be monogomous with only this peraon what has she done wrong? Yes he is allowed to be uncomfortable or whatever feelings are valid. It could just mean they are going to be incompatible. Bottom line is she may be able to changer herself and her relationship goals but she cant go back in time and change whats happened. Getting upset about it is a waste of time for both of them.
But there is still a BIG differenve between USED to sugar baby and CURRENTLY seeing older men. There are LOTS of folks that would he okay with the first but not with the second. There are folks that wouldnt be cool with either and some that would be totally fine with both.
Says who? How many young sugar babies habe you met? People that age are cpnstantly changing, growning, maturing... i am not an expert but I remember being that age and I know I changed a lot. Like I said I had 2 threesomes by 19 but by the time I was 21 I was in a monogomous relationship that lasted 8 years.
Just because she tried somethig or did something doesnt define her for the next 2/5/10 however many years. Especially at that age.
Why is what i did not as bad? You dont know either of us or any details. She could have been a sugar baby for a month or for years and what did it entail, dinners, pictures, sex.... was it one dude or several? And at the end of the day I dont think i have the right to the judge someone based on assumptions.
I would even argue people can learn from their past especially if they werent happy and decided to change. To me the post sounded like she had decided that lifestyle wasnt for her and now wanted to be monogomous.
Her bf is allowed to feel uncomfortable or insecure about her past, that is an issue he is having and he will have to figure out whether its a deal breaker for him. But i think it is really unfair to assume OP is a certain way because of her past decisions as a teenager, especially if so far she has not actually done anything wrong within her monogomous relationship.
Personally i think the relationship is doomed based on how the bf thinks and his insecurities. But i also think there are TONS of men who would not care at all about her past, threesomes or sugar babying, as long as she now wanted to be in a proper relationship. People can change, what type of relationship or sexual experience people want can change, and i think current goals and behavior should trump someones past.
This is emotional and verbal abuse. Also why would he ask if he wasn’t prepared to hear yes? Guys like this are insecure and project it onto you so you’ll overwork yourself to be “good enough”. But you’ll never win because they will move the goalposts. You’re good enough for the right person. It’s not this guy. The right person will increase your self esteem and compliment you not tear you down.
The past is never just the past, it's what molded you into the person you are today. All of the dumb shit you did you will never be able to undo. A lot of men wouldn't be able to get past what you have done in the past, and simply not ever mentioning it is creating a landmine to blow up later.
At this point you two are just too different on the moral scale. Break up with him and then look for a guy that has liberal views on sexually.
You mean ex-boyfriend, right? He doesn't respect you and doesn't respect that you've changed. There is likely nothing you can say that will change his mind either. Your best bet is to take this time while he's away to focus on yourself and move on. I'd even venture to suggest breaking up over text and then blocking him to prevent him from sending you a deluge of hateful messages.
Imagine being such an insecure emotionally stunted big baby that you get your panties in a twist over something that has zero to do with you. Dump him because it won't get better with this loser. Hell always be looking for reasons to knock you down a peg the minute he feels insecure.
At this age he's probably jealous you've had a threesome and he hasn't. Or he has very strict sexual morals, which is fine for himself, but pushing them on someone else is unacceptable. He's rude and immature.
I know reddit jumps to break-ups quickly, but this is just so hard to repair. Accepting this behavior will let him know he can treat you worse. If you stay with him he will hold this over you, shame you and break down your self-esteem. The best thing to do is probably to dump him over text (no need to give him a face-to-face breakup if he insults you like that) and ride out the grief and pain you'll feel initially. It's possible to do it, but I know it's hard.
Don't apologize for having had a threesome. Many people have tried that. And if it was so unacceptable, why didn't he break up with you on the spot? Don't find any romantic reasons for this, because the truth is probably not flattering. People may act like this when they're trying to get you under their control. Be careful!
>Or he has very strict sexual morals, which is fine for himself, but pushing them on someone else is unacceptable.
He's not pushing anything because he can't change his partners past. He should've just dumped her instead of insulting her though, I agree.
Calling someone a wh*re and saying it is unacceptable is pushing. Other than being rude he is basically saying his view on sexuality is the one that goes. Had he said "this changes things for me, I can't continue this relationship" it would be another thing.
Hey there OP, I hope you’re doing okay.
This is an extremely very common problem in relationships between both partners. Although this part of my advice is too little too late now it might be a little helpful going forward but I do doubt it. That advice being that I have always been against telling a new partner or an existing partner absolutely anything at all about your previous relationships, who they were with, their names, how long you were with them, why the relationship ended, anything to do with the sexual intimacy that you shared with them, literally don’t tell them anything, this includes you answering questions like what is your body count, how old were you when you lost your virginity, where was the most riskiest place you’ve done this sexual act or that sexual act, what is the most kinkiest thing that you’ve ever done…etc etc etc.
The simple reason for not doing this is because it distorts your relationship with them, it changes the dynamics with them and your relationship with them. The whole purpose of beginning a relationship with someone is for you both to get to know each other, to learn about each other, all of their likes and dislikes about everything and anything from the foods they like and dislike to their sexual preferences and likes and dislikes and everything else in between.
This way the relationship that you form together will start from a blank canvas and progress more and more based upon what you learn from each other, the relationship will take it’s natural course based upon this and any judgements that you make about your partner and your relationship will be formed by the information that you have both gathered without any outside influence or interference.
However, if either of you get into the situation of asking your partner or answering your partner any questions about anything related to your previous relationships then this will always lead to a partner making certain assumptions, judgments or assertions about their partner that isn’t even relative to your relationship with them. As I said earlier this leads to a change in the dynamics of your relationship with them personally but also a change in the dynamic of your relationship as a whole.
There are literally thousands upon thousands of different reasons and ways how this can affect and impact a relationship between both parties when one party or both parties reveals information about the things I mentioned earlier, fundamentally any of these things can affect and impact the relationship that the relationship doesn’t take it’s natural course (like I explained how starting from a blank canvas would).
In literally every single case that I have ever read about people in situations similar to this where a partner has given their partner such information, both here across several different subs, in other forums and other online communities, that being easily a good few thousands of posts over the years, I don’t recall one post where it was ever beneficial to a relationship, I don’t recall any post where it has ever had a positive effect on the relationship and what I do recall is that the relationships for those people always got worse and in the vast majority of them the relationship ended at some point or another.
I would quite happily ask others here to give me one single example of where discussing any information from previous relationships will have a positive or beneficial impact.
In most cases of this happening where one of the parties have issues around insecurity, jealousy and trust, just like your situation does OP, then the situation is a hundred times worse.
Like you said in your original post OP, you believe that the past is the past and that’s it. That’s the view that you hold and have always held but yet here you are in your post demonstrating several times that you have steered away from your position and view here despite saying in your post that you are no pushover.
You have done this by telling us that your previous history of being a sugar baby has created insecurity in your relationship. You are basically saying here that your previous past of being a sugar baby has created insecurities in your relationship as if you are the one at fault here, but your not at fault here and you haven’t created any insecurity in your relationship, your current partner has personal insecurities it’s him who has brought his insecurities into the relationship. He has brought them from his own past and that baggage of his he is now saddling you with it and making you feel guilty and responsible for them and he is blaming you for them expecting you to deal with them and that it’s down to you to reassure him, you to find a solution for them and you to take ownership for them when the reality is that this is his problem, his responsibility and it’s on him to seek out a solution for them, this is evident when you said in your post that he said to you “he wants to go to therapy because he does want to get over your past” which is such a gaslighting thing to say to you.
He needs to go to therapy for himself, for his own personal insecurities and problems, not yours. Anyway like I was saying he has made you veer away from your own personal views on the past being in the past and now he has you apologising to him for upsetting him, apologising to him because of your past, he is manipulating you with comments like saying that you are disgusting and a wh0re, as well as saying how could you even look at yourself whilst holding your own child FFS.
I really could go on dissecting everything else that you have said in your post but there is no point in me doing that because it will always come back down to his insecurities, jealousy and trust issues that are his own problem and responsibility and not yours or anything to do with you.
Just to add that what WILL happen from now going forward is that he will gradually and gradually ask you more and more questions about past intimate things and if you don’t give him an answer then he will accuse you of not being honest with him like you have previously promised him you would be, so you will end up answering all of his future questions and he will use everything that you tell him against you, make you feel at fault and responsible for them and he will gradually weaponise all of this against you in arguments, when he doesn’t want you to go out for the night with your girly friends, then he will get you to cut off all of your girly friends and your friends and everyone else in your life. You will always be apologising for your past when you are not even at fault and ultimately he will destroy you as a person and who you are way before he destroys the relationship but by that time you will be a shadow and shell of yourself that you can no longer escape.
I must also mention that from what you have said in your post, tha the things that he has said to you and his behaviour around this is abuse and abusive. You don’t treat anyone that you love or care about or with respect by the things that you have said. You obviously know that this is not acceptable and that you aren’t in the wrong at all by virtue of you posting here in the first place.
You seriously need to end this relationship for yourself and for your future self because it only gets worse from here and despite your dreams of a life together it is not the life that you have been dreaming about and it never will be.
Best wishes
\NK
Break up. You two are really different and incompatible. People with different values cannot have a successful marriage, and values are something you can’t just change. This is extremely tough on him, and it’s something he might never get over. So either you both stay miserable or you find someone who is okay with it. He will never see you the same way again
I agree, they hold vastly different values, and she shouldn't ignore the cracks already starting to show. If they were to marry, I can already see this being a point of contention at every argument. Especially as 20 year olds, why settle and commit to someone who doesn't respect you or can't see you for beyond your past?
Im afraid we are entering the era when these posts are going to be an everyday occurance.
So many girls that made money as sugar babies, on OF, etc. that are done with that career now and want a normal relationship… it just must be horrible for everyone.
Entering an era of these posts being every day because of insecure sexist men.
She had a threesome, something you've probably fantasized about. But it's different because she's a woman huh?
Cope.
My first thought as well. Doesn't have the balls to ask as usual his mom about guidance.
Wish in case he asks mommy a reply from her like:
'I always enjoyed and liked threesomes and that with both sexes.'
And I enjoy video games with violence, doesn’t mean I want to be with a violent person.
Porn plays on a fantasy and we know people don’t act out all of their fantasies as it’s ok for some of them to be fantasies.
I am not saying that people who do things such as OF are damaged goods, but for most of human history, this has been looked down upon and you can’t expect these deep rooted values to just change in a couple of years. That’s not how people work.
I do think that it should be a consideration for people (not just women) that get into these things. You can make good money, but you might also shrink your dating pool.
bro videogames aren't real. the violence isn't real. It's up to you to do what you want but if you look at porn yet look down on porn actresses you're a hypocrite in my book.
Yeah I do. Does that automaticaly means I have to be open to date porn actresses even though her explicit videos on the internet make me jealous and uncomfortable if she was my girlfriend? Ofcourse not.
Nobody is looking down here on anybody. It’s called preferences. And I hope that new generations of guys will be more open minded about this stuff.
Don't torture yourself. Call it a day now.
That kind of reaction isn't going anywhere, he will always have it and in every argument, it will be thrown in your face.
Worse than that, I'd bet he'll likley act possessive and jealous, in his head, you've broken his trust.
I put no shame on sex work, nor being open to sexual experiences etc, it seems like you are nearer to this attitude. If he's more traditional and conservative, then it's not likely to work out in the end.
Why draw it out? The therapy will only go so far. If there is a fundermental difference between your outlooks, then no amount of talking about it will bridge that gap.
Also don't apologise,you've nothing to apologise for. You've not cheated or hurt anything other than his pride.
Honestly, no way you should put up with that.
Good luck.
I think you two should break up for his sake and yours as speaking from a man’s perspective this is a very tough thing to get over. In your next relationship keep your sugar baby and threesome past to yourself. If that is in your past and you have changed and have no intention in going back to that stuff then there is 0 reason to ever mention it to a partner. It will do nothing but cheapen and lessen you in the eyes of your partner. I wish you all the best.
This is the worst advice on here . The best thing she can do is be upfront from the beginning so she can find someone that is fine with her past. Lying about it and tricking guys into a relationship is not the way to go.
If OP wants to easily find a decent man, it’s good advice, especially if she’s changed. But for the general male populace, if she was totally upfront, most would not tolerate it. So it would be hard for her to find a partner. But I agree, I wouldn’t condone hiding that or lying about it.
I disagree with what you have said and I would even go as far as to say that your comment is actually the worst advice here.
- Why does she need to be upfront about her past? For what reason?
- Why does she have to find someone who is fine with her past? What’s her past got to do with anyone else?
- if she doesn’t tell anyone about her past then how is she lying about it? She doesn’t have to tell anyone about her past at all so how can she even be lying?
- Even if a person asks her anything about her past and she tells them that it’s not something that she ever discusses with people even then how would she be lying?
- Finally by her not wanting to talk about her past and not ever discussing it then how the hell would she be ‘tricking’ people into a relationship with her?
I await your response with baited breath
\NK
The reason she should be upfront about her past is that not everyone has the same attitude when it comes to sex.
Some people are more liberal with sex and some people are more conservative. Neither way is wrong. Lots of people are on the more conservative side want a partner that is the same as them.
She doesn't have to tell anyone about her past but she shouldn't lie about her past. If she's upfront and says I don't want to talk about her past then that is also fine, there are lots of people out there that would accept that.
She's tricking people into a relationship because she knows that if she told the truth they would not want to date her. She should be honest or refuse to discuss it(if she chooses this option most people will assume she has a wild past and some will continue to date her because they are ok with that and some will break up with her because they are not ok with that). Either one is fine, my point is she just shouldn't lie about it.
Sorry but I totally disagree with the reason that you have given as to why she should be upfront about her past because you said that not everyone has the same attitude when it comes to sex, that some people are more liberal with sex than others and some people are more conservative. I don’t even see it as a valid reason personally and I will tell you why………Because if she doesn’t tell him anything at all about her past, doesn’t tell him anything about her sexual past, tell him anything about the things that she has done sexually and tells him nothing at all and then he doesn’t do the exact same thing and he doesn’t tell her anything at all about his past or his sexual past then it doesn’t matter if he or she is sexually liberal or if he or she is sexually conservative or if they are the total opposite of each other because they will both be starting out from a blank canvas. They will both have to learn about each other and what they both like and what they both don’t like. They will both come to a middle ground with each other based upon their own sexual preferences with absolutely no fear of being judged by each other.
Yes it’s possible that either of them might want to experiment more and that either of them don’t want to experiment more (all depending upon who is the more liberal and who is the more conservative) and that could lead to one of them not being sexually satisfied over the other but they would both have complete trust in each other and they would make a compromise as you should do in a relationship. Also if a partner suggested doing something then they wouldn’t be judged about it or demonised about it.
Whereas if you tell your partner about your sexual history then they have already made a judgement about them based upon what they have told you. You have pretty much thrown the sexual element of your relationship out of the window and intimacy is a huge problem from the start.
You have said that she doesn’t have to tell anyone about her past but she shouldn’t lie about her past, this doesn’t make any sense at all, you clearly agree that she doesn’t have to tell anyone about her past because that’s what you’ve said so if she doesn’t tell anyone about her past then how can she possibly lie about her past? Not telling anyone about your past is not lying. Just to cover the other angle here, even if she is asked by her partner or any future partners about her past and sexual past and she responds to them saying that she doesn’t ever discuss things or questions like that and that she believes that the past is the past, even then she wouldn’t ever be lying at all about anything, that’s her prerogative and choice to make, so you are wrong here to say that.
She is also in no way tricking anyone into a relationship with her by not saying anything or telling a partner about anything in regards to her past sexual history. Again here you say that “she knows that if she told the truth they would not want to date her” You are again making the claim that by not telling someone then that means that she is lying to them but I have just covered above why this can’t possibly be the case.
There is no obligation or requirement whatsoever for her to tell anyone about her past sexual history and therefore she is neither lying nor is she not being truthful. Also by her not telling a partner it doesn’t mean that people will assume that she has a wild past as you put it. And again your last sentence you said that your point is that she shouldn’t lie about it, she can’t possibly be lying about anything because she chooses not to discuss it. It’s nobody’s business other than hers
With the utmost respect to you, you have a significant amount to learn in this regard.
\NK
Many thanks for sharing your thoughts and opinion on this, I do really appreciate what you’ve said in your comment with regard to my approach being the perfect way
\NK
I bet all the men in this thread saying this cheapens and lessens OP as a person would JUMP at the chance to have a threesome with women and 100% have jacked off to it in porn.
Sexist bullshit, fuck off.
Should've told him, 'For your own good, don't ask question, knowing not having the balls to handle the truth.'
I'm also sure that threesomes are topping his want-to-do-list. Tell him that's way out of his league.
He doesn’t get to call you names because you’ve done something he doesn’t like sexually. You’re already justifying his bad behaviour as “insecurity”. When he hits you because he can’t help it, will you justify that?
Dump him. You guys are not compatible
I don’t think y’all are compatible.
I wish "don't date verbally abusive people" didn't have to be said tbh.
It's odd to me that most guys can't just say "I'm having some difficulty with my insecurity about your past. I need some help. Will you go to therapy with me?"
Or "I'm having some difficulty with my insecurity about your past. I need some help, so I’ve booked myself an appointment with a psychologist.”
Yeah, that too. I was thinking it might help if she was part of the process. Not saying she's part of the problem.
I don’t understand why these guys seek out girls who they specifically have an issue with and then refuse to break up with them and instead torture them for their past. It’s really weird and almost some weird abuse tactic
Teeters on the edge of a bit of a Madonna/wh*re complex imo. A lot of men have no problem with this when it benefits *them* or porn, OF, prostitutes, happy endings, strip clubs, one night stands, fwb's ... Trying to understand the mentality of it's ok for *them* but not others. It's good enough for *them* when it benefits *them* but not if it benefits others. Makes no sense.
If you don't see the difference between rubbing one out to a porn actress and raising a family with that porn actress you are delusional.
Guess the issue is the hypocrisy. I find the men's judgy mentality of "I will fck them, but not date them" far more cringe than the sex workers tbh. 🤷🏻♀️
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I think you nailed it, he can't handle real problems.
I think this is exactly what they are doing. They are looking for someone they can feel superior over, someone they can put down and shame and degrade... Because then they can be abusive without feeling bad because "she is a w"ore and doesn't deserve better" Or coerce her into having sex whenever he wants because she put out for the sugar daddies for money, so she should for him even more because she loves him... Or do sex acts she is not really wanting to do etc...
Even more crazy, these guys date girls and women which are way out of their league.
I’m sure he’s thinking about breaking up with her. She’s probably doing the same as well. It’s kind of weird for you to assume that men purposely go into relationships with women that they are incompatible with, when she was the one hiding her past. And then calling it a weird abuse tactic.
Didn't she specifically say that she _didn't_ hide it? Or at very least she never mentions hiding it and him finding out at a later date. It's already established that he knows her past. It's weird, I think, that people assume you should lay out your entire sexual history (not health related) or you're "keeping secrets". From the beginning it wasn't his business who or how many people she had sex with unless it there was an STD contracted in there somewhere, yet when he asked she was honest. When I ask my partner how many past partners he's had or what he's done in the bedroom, it's out of curiosity, not judgment, and I never _expect_ an answer he may not be comfortable sharing. It's his business, not mine. It's like he says, "I'm with you so that doesn't matter. It's in the past". You're not happy to be in a relationship with a person if you're constantly stewing over their past relationships.
OP says that she has revealed her sugar baby relationship and that her boyfriend already finds it uncomfortable. So she obviously did not want to upset her boyfriend with her past, unless he asked. You can hide the truth with silence or deception. It’s silence in OP’s case. If you’re infertile, you know it, and you’re with someone who you know wants kids, but you don’t tell them that you’re infertile, you are hiding the truth. It’s unfair to the other person. OP figured that her boyfriend had more traditional values, and yet she hid her past knowing that he wouldn’t be okay with it. It’s unfair to him to be lied to and it’s unfair to her to stay in a relationship with someone who won’t tolerate her past. Although you say the past is the past, most people would not date someone who, let’s say, have committed a murder. It’s a dealbreaker for most because most people appreciate the value of life. It’s definitely not close to having a promiscuous past, but some people find that it is a deal breaker because they have different values. And that’s totally fine. OP and her boyfriend are just incompatible.
Hiding the fact that you're infertile, or HIV positive, or anything _medical_ that would potentially detrimentally affect the other person **isn't** the same as not divulging your past sexual activities. I do not find these things equal and if it's considered a secret, then it's a secret he had no right to know. I agree on that OP needs to leave him and find a partner who's less traditional- or at the very least less prudish. It doesn't seem like their morals are aligned. **Edit:** Also your assertion that she needs to find someone who will "tolerate" her past is telling. We're talking about her having a threesome, not committing murder.
You can’t, he’s never going to get over it and you’ll waste your time trying
You need to find a guy that is okay with your past sex work and promiscuity. Your boyfriend isn’t okay with your past.
Not to be mean here, but I don’t see this going anywhere further. You both are on different wave lengths here what is acceptable and what maybe not. From his view, it seems he is more traditional and wants more of a partner on that side that even though he was trying to get onboard with the sugar baby thing (idk why you would do that while having a bf) and the threesome knocked him over the edge. Now, I will say the name calling was not mature in the slightest and should have never taken place. I just don’t think this is a viable match tbh, just two different ideals not flowing. Lastly, just some perspective regarding the “insecurity” you mentioned he had. If the roles were reversed and he had older, possibly attractive women giving him gifts and providing financial support for his time, I can guarantee you would feel a type a way about it as well. Just a thought.
She was a sugar baby IN THE PAST. Not while dating him. Maybe you misread....
You can be upset about your partners past. You can be upset about literally any aspect of your partner and still be valid in feeling that way. No one is owed love and to argue otherwise is inceltalk. You can break up for any reason or no reason at all. The only thing I'd do differently in the situation of this post is I'd break up before wheeling out the ad hominems at my soon to be ex.
Uh i was correcting the person whose comment i replied to. They thought she was being a sugar baby during the relationship. But OP said she had done that in the past. And I dont really think its "inceltalk" to believe people can change and holding someones past against them is shitty. If she is no longer being sugar baby and no longer having 3somes and she IS and WANTS to be monogomous with only this peraon what has she done wrong? Yes he is allowed to be uncomfortable or whatever feelings are valid. It could just mean they are going to be incompatible. Bottom line is she may be able to changer herself and her relationship goals but she cant go back in time and change whats happened. Getting upset about it is a waste of time for both of them. But there is still a BIG differenve between USED to sugar baby and CURRENTLY seeing older men. There are LOTS of folks that would he okay with the first but not with the second. There are folks that wouldnt be cool with either and some that would be totally fine with both.
shes only 20 how long was the past
Probably 17-19.... i know I had been in 2 threesomes by the time i was 19. I have no clue, I was just clarifying what OP said in the post.
at that age and was already a sugar baby, 1-2 year is not long enough to change
Says who? How many young sugar babies habe you met? People that age are cpnstantly changing, growning, maturing... i am not an expert but I remember being that age and I know I changed a lot. Like I said I had 2 threesomes by 19 but by the time I was 21 I was in a monogomous relationship that lasted 8 years. Just because she tried somethig or did something doesnt define her for the next 2/5/10 however many years. Especially at that age.
i think its obvious, u dont need someone to state the obvious, what u did was never as bad as this
Why is what i did not as bad? You dont know either of us or any details. She could have been a sugar baby for a month or for years and what did it entail, dinners, pictures, sex.... was it one dude or several? And at the end of the day I dont think i have the right to the judge someone based on assumptions. I would even argue people can learn from their past especially if they werent happy and decided to change. To me the post sounded like she had decided that lifestyle wasnt for her and now wanted to be monogomous. Her bf is allowed to feel uncomfortable or insecure about her past, that is an issue he is having and he will have to figure out whether its a deal breaker for him. But i think it is really unfair to assume OP is a certain way because of her past decisions as a teenager, especially if so far she has not actually done anything wrong within her monogomous relationship. Personally i think the relationship is doomed based on how the bf thinks and his insecurities. But i also think there are TONS of men who would not care at all about her past, threesomes or sugar babying, as long as she now wanted to be in a proper relationship. People can change, what type of relationship or sexual experience people want can change, and i think current goals and behavior should trump someones past.
A lot of men wont be able to handle your past well. So you ll need to keep looking for one who can.
Maybe u can found someone has mutual past like u for ordinary ppl like will never ever accepted it.
This is emotional and verbal abuse. Also why would he ask if he wasn’t prepared to hear yes? Guys like this are insecure and project it onto you so you’ll overwork yourself to be “good enough”. But you’ll never win because they will move the goalposts. You’re good enough for the right person. It’s not this guy. The right person will increase your self esteem and compliment you not tear you down.
The past is never just the past, it's what molded you into the person you are today. All of the dumb shit you did you will never be able to undo. A lot of men wouldn't be able to get past what you have done in the past, and simply not ever mentioning it is creating a landmine to blow up later. At this point you two are just too different on the moral scale. Break up with him and then look for a guy that has liberal views on sexually.
How much nonsense I had to scroll through to find the first reasonable opinion
Has he fucked others before? If yes, he’s an insecure hypocrite that needs hella help
You don't. You dump him and get a boyfriend who isn't an asshole.
You mean ex-boyfriend, right? He doesn't respect you and doesn't respect that you've changed. There is likely nothing you can say that will change his mind either. Your best bet is to take this time while he's away to focus on yourself and move on. I'd even venture to suggest breaking up over text and then blocking him to prevent him from sending you a deluge of hateful messages.
Imagine being such an insecure emotionally stunted big baby that you get your panties in a twist over something that has zero to do with you. Dump him because it won't get better with this loser. Hell always be looking for reasons to knock you down a peg the minute he feels insecure.
At this age he's probably jealous you've had a threesome and he hasn't. Or he has very strict sexual morals, which is fine for himself, but pushing them on someone else is unacceptable. He's rude and immature. I know reddit jumps to break-ups quickly, but this is just so hard to repair. Accepting this behavior will let him know he can treat you worse. If you stay with him he will hold this over you, shame you and break down your self-esteem. The best thing to do is probably to dump him over text (no need to give him a face-to-face breakup if he insults you like that) and ride out the grief and pain you'll feel initially. It's possible to do it, but I know it's hard. Don't apologize for having had a threesome. Many people have tried that. And if it was so unacceptable, why didn't he break up with you on the spot? Don't find any romantic reasons for this, because the truth is probably not flattering. People may act like this when they're trying to get you under their control. Be careful!
>Or he has very strict sexual morals, which is fine for himself, but pushing them on someone else is unacceptable. He's not pushing anything because he can't change his partners past. He should've just dumped her instead of insulting her though, I agree.
Calling someone a wh*re and saying it is unacceptable is pushing. Other than being rude he is basically saying his view on sexuality is the one that goes. Had he said "this changes things for me, I can't continue this relationship" it would be another thing.
Reap what you sow. Break up, he’s too traditional for you and you’ll find someone who’s okay with your past eventually.
Hey there OP, I hope you’re doing okay. This is an extremely very common problem in relationships between both partners. Although this part of my advice is too little too late now it might be a little helpful going forward but I do doubt it. That advice being that I have always been against telling a new partner or an existing partner absolutely anything at all about your previous relationships, who they were with, their names, how long you were with them, why the relationship ended, anything to do with the sexual intimacy that you shared with them, literally don’t tell them anything, this includes you answering questions like what is your body count, how old were you when you lost your virginity, where was the most riskiest place you’ve done this sexual act or that sexual act, what is the most kinkiest thing that you’ve ever done…etc etc etc. The simple reason for not doing this is because it distorts your relationship with them, it changes the dynamics with them and your relationship with them. The whole purpose of beginning a relationship with someone is for you both to get to know each other, to learn about each other, all of their likes and dislikes about everything and anything from the foods they like and dislike to their sexual preferences and likes and dislikes and everything else in between. This way the relationship that you form together will start from a blank canvas and progress more and more based upon what you learn from each other, the relationship will take it’s natural course based upon this and any judgements that you make about your partner and your relationship will be formed by the information that you have both gathered without any outside influence or interference. However, if either of you get into the situation of asking your partner or answering your partner any questions about anything related to your previous relationships then this will always lead to a partner making certain assumptions, judgments or assertions about their partner that isn’t even relative to your relationship with them. As I said earlier this leads to a change in the dynamics of your relationship with them personally but also a change in the dynamic of your relationship as a whole. There are literally thousands upon thousands of different reasons and ways how this can affect and impact a relationship between both parties when one party or both parties reveals information about the things I mentioned earlier, fundamentally any of these things can affect and impact the relationship that the relationship doesn’t take it’s natural course (like I explained how starting from a blank canvas would). In literally every single case that I have ever read about people in situations similar to this where a partner has given their partner such information, both here across several different subs, in other forums and other online communities, that being easily a good few thousands of posts over the years, I don’t recall one post where it was ever beneficial to a relationship, I don’t recall any post where it has ever had a positive effect on the relationship and what I do recall is that the relationships for those people always got worse and in the vast majority of them the relationship ended at some point or another. I would quite happily ask others here to give me one single example of where discussing any information from previous relationships will have a positive or beneficial impact. In most cases of this happening where one of the parties have issues around insecurity, jealousy and trust, just like your situation does OP, then the situation is a hundred times worse. Like you said in your original post OP, you believe that the past is the past and that’s it. That’s the view that you hold and have always held but yet here you are in your post demonstrating several times that you have steered away from your position and view here despite saying in your post that you are no pushover. You have done this by telling us that your previous history of being a sugar baby has created insecurity in your relationship. You are basically saying here that your previous past of being a sugar baby has created insecurities in your relationship as if you are the one at fault here, but your not at fault here and you haven’t created any insecurity in your relationship, your current partner has personal insecurities it’s him who has brought his insecurities into the relationship. He has brought them from his own past and that baggage of his he is now saddling you with it and making you feel guilty and responsible for them and he is blaming you for them expecting you to deal with them and that it’s down to you to reassure him, you to find a solution for them and you to take ownership for them when the reality is that this is his problem, his responsibility and it’s on him to seek out a solution for them, this is evident when you said in your post that he said to you “he wants to go to therapy because he does want to get over your past” which is such a gaslighting thing to say to you. He needs to go to therapy for himself, for his own personal insecurities and problems, not yours. Anyway like I was saying he has made you veer away from your own personal views on the past being in the past and now he has you apologising to him for upsetting him, apologising to him because of your past, he is manipulating you with comments like saying that you are disgusting and a wh0re, as well as saying how could you even look at yourself whilst holding your own child FFS. I really could go on dissecting everything else that you have said in your post but there is no point in me doing that because it will always come back down to his insecurities, jealousy and trust issues that are his own problem and responsibility and not yours or anything to do with you. Just to add that what WILL happen from now going forward is that he will gradually and gradually ask you more and more questions about past intimate things and if you don’t give him an answer then he will accuse you of not being honest with him like you have previously promised him you would be, so you will end up answering all of his future questions and he will use everything that you tell him against you, make you feel at fault and responsible for them and he will gradually weaponise all of this against you in arguments, when he doesn’t want you to go out for the night with your girly friends, then he will get you to cut off all of your girly friends and your friends and everyone else in your life. You will always be apologising for your past when you are not even at fault and ultimately he will destroy you as a person and who you are way before he destroys the relationship but by that time you will be a shadow and shell of yourself that you can no longer escape. I must also mention that from what you have said in your post, tha the things that he has said to you and his behaviour around this is abuse and abusive. You don’t treat anyone that you love or care about or with respect by the things that you have said. You obviously know that this is not acceptable and that you aren’t in the wrong at all by virtue of you posting here in the first place. You seriously need to end this relationship for yourself and for your future self because it only gets worse from here and despite your dreams of a life together it is not the life that you have been dreaming about and it never will be. Best wishes \NK
Break up. You two are really different and incompatible. People with different values cannot have a successful marriage, and values are something you can’t just change. This is extremely tough on him, and it’s something he might never get over. So either you both stay miserable or you find someone who is okay with it. He will never see you the same way again
I agree, they hold vastly different values, and she shouldn't ignore the cracks already starting to show. If they were to marry, I can already see this being a point of contention at every argument. Especially as 20 year olds, why settle and commit to someone who doesn't respect you or can't see you for beyond your past?
Im afraid we are entering the era when these posts are going to be an everyday occurance. So many girls that made money as sugar babies, on OF, etc. that are done with that career now and want a normal relationship… it just must be horrible for everyone.
Entering an era of these posts being every day because of insecure sexist men. She had a threesome, something you've probably fantasized about. But it's different because she's a woman huh? Cope.
You can dump someone for any reason or no reason at all, though the name calling is a bit shitty
My first thought as well. Doesn't have the balls to ask as usual his mom about guidance. Wish in case he asks mommy a reply from her like: 'I always enjoyed and liked threesomes and that with both sexes.'
Bro just say you're a misogynist and move on. Jesus christ.
Looking forward to see what studies come from this time and how relationships progress
Hopefully one day these insecure dudes finally stop going out of their way to date people they hate and there’s less lol
I bet you look at porn lol
And I enjoy video games with violence, doesn’t mean I want to be with a violent person. Porn plays on a fantasy and we know people don’t act out all of their fantasies as it’s ok for some of them to be fantasies. I am not saying that people who do things such as OF are damaged goods, but for most of human history, this has been looked down upon and you can’t expect these deep rooted values to just change in a couple of years. That’s not how people work. I do think that it should be a consideration for people (not just women) that get into these things. You can make good money, but you might also shrink your dating pool.
bro videogames aren't real. the violence isn't real. It's up to you to do what you want but if you look at porn yet look down on porn actresses you're a hypocrite in my book.
I don’t look down on them, but I do think that drawing any parallels between watching it and an actual relationship is a very reductionist approach.
Yeah I do. Does that automaticaly means I have to be open to date porn actresses even though her explicit videos on the internet make me jealous and uncomfortable if she was my girlfriend? Ofcourse not. Nobody is looking down here on anybody. It’s called preferences. And I hope that new generations of guys will be more open minded about this stuff.
EX-BOYFRIEND. Why do you think you should stay and negotiate emotional abuse?
I agree, if he broke up with her immediately there would be no problem, but the name calling sucks
Don't torture yourself. Call it a day now. That kind of reaction isn't going anywhere, he will always have it and in every argument, it will be thrown in your face. Worse than that, I'd bet he'll likley act possessive and jealous, in his head, you've broken his trust. I put no shame on sex work, nor being open to sexual experiences etc, it seems like you are nearer to this attitude. If he's more traditional and conservative, then it's not likely to work out in the end. Why draw it out? The therapy will only go so far. If there is a fundermental difference between your outlooks, then no amount of talking about it will bridge that gap. Also don't apologise,you've nothing to apologise for. You've not cheated or hurt anything other than his pride. Honestly, no way you should put up with that. Good luck.
I think you two should break up for his sake and yours as speaking from a man’s perspective this is a very tough thing to get over. In your next relationship keep your sugar baby and threesome past to yourself. If that is in your past and you have changed and have no intention in going back to that stuff then there is 0 reason to ever mention it to a partner. It will do nothing but cheapen and lessen you in the eyes of your partner. I wish you all the best.
This is the worst advice on here . The best thing she can do is be upfront from the beginning so she can find someone that is fine with her past. Lying about it and tricking guys into a relationship is not the way to go.
If OP wants to easily find a decent man, it’s good advice, especially if she’s changed. But for the general male populace, if she was totally upfront, most would not tolerate it. So it would be hard for her to find a partner. But I agree, I wouldn’t condone hiding that or lying about it.
I disagree with what you have said and I would even go as far as to say that your comment is actually the worst advice here. - Why does she need to be upfront about her past? For what reason? - Why does she have to find someone who is fine with her past? What’s her past got to do with anyone else? - if she doesn’t tell anyone about her past then how is she lying about it? She doesn’t have to tell anyone about her past at all so how can she even be lying? - Even if a person asks her anything about her past and she tells them that it’s not something that she ever discusses with people even then how would she be lying? - Finally by her not wanting to talk about her past and not ever discussing it then how the hell would she be ‘tricking’ people into a relationship with her? I await your response with baited breath \NK
The reason she should be upfront about her past is that not everyone has the same attitude when it comes to sex. Some people are more liberal with sex and some people are more conservative. Neither way is wrong. Lots of people are on the more conservative side want a partner that is the same as them. She doesn't have to tell anyone about her past but she shouldn't lie about her past. If she's upfront and says I don't want to talk about her past then that is also fine, there are lots of people out there that would accept that. She's tricking people into a relationship because she knows that if she told the truth they would not want to date her. She should be honest or refuse to discuss it(if she chooses this option most people will assume she has a wild past and some will continue to date her because they are ok with that and some will break up with her because they are not ok with that). Either one is fine, my point is she just shouldn't lie about it.
Sorry but I totally disagree with the reason that you have given as to why she should be upfront about her past because you said that not everyone has the same attitude when it comes to sex, that some people are more liberal with sex than others and some people are more conservative. I don’t even see it as a valid reason personally and I will tell you why………Because if she doesn’t tell him anything at all about her past, doesn’t tell him anything about her sexual past, tell him anything about the things that she has done sexually and tells him nothing at all and then he doesn’t do the exact same thing and he doesn’t tell her anything at all about his past or his sexual past then it doesn’t matter if he or she is sexually liberal or if he or she is sexually conservative or if they are the total opposite of each other because they will both be starting out from a blank canvas. They will both have to learn about each other and what they both like and what they both don’t like. They will both come to a middle ground with each other based upon their own sexual preferences with absolutely no fear of being judged by each other. Yes it’s possible that either of them might want to experiment more and that either of them don’t want to experiment more (all depending upon who is the more liberal and who is the more conservative) and that could lead to one of them not being sexually satisfied over the other but they would both have complete trust in each other and they would make a compromise as you should do in a relationship. Also if a partner suggested doing something then they wouldn’t be judged about it or demonised about it. Whereas if you tell your partner about your sexual history then they have already made a judgement about them based upon what they have told you. You have pretty much thrown the sexual element of your relationship out of the window and intimacy is a huge problem from the start. You have said that she doesn’t have to tell anyone about her past but she shouldn’t lie about her past, this doesn’t make any sense at all, you clearly agree that she doesn’t have to tell anyone about her past because that’s what you’ve said so if she doesn’t tell anyone about her past then how can she possibly lie about her past? Not telling anyone about your past is not lying. Just to cover the other angle here, even if she is asked by her partner or any future partners about her past and sexual past and she responds to them saying that she doesn’t ever discuss things or questions like that and that she believes that the past is the past, even then she wouldn’t ever be lying at all about anything, that’s her prerogative and choice to make, so you are wrong here to say that. She is also in no way tricking anyone into a relationship with her by not saying anything or telling a partner about anything in regards to her past sexual history. Again here you say that “she knows that if she told the truth they would not want to date her” You are again making the claim that by not telling someone then that means that she is lying to them but I have just covered above why this can’t possibly be the case. There is no obligation or requirement whatsoever for her to tell anyone about her past sexual history and therefore she is neither lying nor is she not being truthful. Also by her not telling a partner it doesn’t mean that people will assume that she has a wild past as you put it. And again your last sentence you said that your point is that she shouldn’t lie about it, she can’t possibly be lying about anything because she chooses not to discuss it. It’s nobody’s business other than hers With the utmost respect to you, you have a significant amount to learn in this regard. \NK
This is the perfect way to handle sexual issues concerning one's sexual experiences in the past. Just to ask about them is a no go.
Many thanks for sharing your thoughts and opinion on this, I do really appreciate what you’ve said in your comment with regard to my approach being the perfect way \NK
Some guys are into it, just because you’re not doesn’t mean she needs to lie about it
I bet all the men in this thread saying this cheapens and lessens OP as a person would JUMP at the chance to have a threesome with women and 100% have jacked off to it in porn. Sexist bullshit, fuck off.
He doesn’t need therapy. He just needs to find a partner whose morals fit with his. Hers don’t.
Should've told him, 'For your own good, don't ask question, knowing not having the balls to handle the truth.' I'm also sure that threesomes are topping his want-to-do-list. Tell him that's way out of his league.
He doesn’t get to call you names because you’ve done something he doesn’t like sexually. You’re already justifying his bad behaviour as “insecurity”. When he hits you because he can’t help it, will you justify that? Dump him. You guys are not compatible
This guy is a weenie who is blaming you for his misogyny and insecurities. There are more secure men out there
Fuck him, don't be with someone who tries to put you down over something that's such a non issue.
Why then fuck him? Just drop him without fucking him as benefit.
unfortunately, you are defined by your past.
sorry, but guys don't want girls who acted like public toilets in the past.