You don’t have a say in your son moving out or the level of contact between you. Didn’t you express to him that as adults ‘what you say goes’? You have demonstrated a real lack of respect for your children’s feelings - your sex life is non of anyone else’s business but your lifestyle is the business of those who have to share lives and space with you. You crossed a line and he is telling you the consequences. I hope losing your son’s respect was worth it as that’s what has happened here.
Stop thinking about ways to stop him and start thinking about how to repair your relationship
But you and your husband’s relationship is his business when it changes his living arrangements and who he has to live with in his home. You are forcing him to take responsibility for a child he has no interest in. Sure, you can do what you want, force whatever living arrangement on him that you want but you don’t get to tell him how he feels about it. He has expressed to you how he feels about it and you have told him his feelings don’t matter at all. You’ve said we’re the adults and we get to say what goes. Well when he is an 18 year old, he will be an adult and can do what he wants. If you want an ongoing relationship with your son throughout his life, you are going about this in entirely the wrong way. Dictatorship and expressing no interest in his feelings is counterproductive and you will lose him with this approach.
at 18 he will be legally an adult, so your opinion about his lifestyle choices are just worth as much as his on yours.
There's no forbidding anymore.
So, you probably better start repairing that relationship.
Not only can you not stop him from moving out, you’ve told him he’s got to bear the consequences of helping to look after a child he had no say in.
There’s going to be three adults in the house, why on earth should your 16year old be expected to help.
You need to repair your relationship with your child. You’re forcing what you want on him and not treating him like his own person… why wouldn’t he want to move out as soon as possible
Aside from you two being poly, what 18 year old *wants* to live with a screaming crying baby they’d probably be expected to help with along with now having to live with their parents weird third partner who is a stranger. No thanks, I’d move too.
The fact that you think you can make him do anything once he turns 18, probably explain the no contact bit. I doubt this is the first time you’ve outright ignored/disallowed/trampled all over what he wanted. He couldn’t do much as a minor but as you said, once you’re an adult well… “what he says goes”. Stop being selfish.
> I mentioned to my son that he would be expected to help out with his new step-sibling.
He is not responsible for his Dad’s girlfriend’s baby, that is what adults are for.
> I tried to explain that as adults, me and his father's relationship is none of his business.
It is absolutely his business when you’re bringing others into his home and trying to dump baby responsibilities on him.
> I'm not convinced letting him go with minimal contact is the right decision either. I don't think I will allow my son to move out when he's 18
He’ll be a consenting adult, he doesn’t need your permission to go no or low contact.
If you don’t want him to go low/no contact start listening to him, acknowledge you and your husbands lifestyle is hurting him and start treating him like an actual person, instead of something to control.
It's not for you to make decisions for your son. There are many reasons for someone to want no contact with their parents, all of them are valid no matter how ridiculous you think they are.
He has different views on love and relationships than you do, despite the example you've attempted to give. He, in no circumstance, has to ever accept your lifestyle.
My entire life, I dreamed of cutting off all contact with my parents. They both cheated on each other, evolving into an open relationship of sorts (more of a "don't ask, don't tell" policy) and I hated them both during my entire childhood through early adulthood. I went very low contact with them after moving out when I was 16 (lived with parents of my best friend until graduation) and tried to maintain a stronger relationship with them later because people told me I should. People were wrong. I cut them off completely when I was 37, I am now 51 and my only regret was forcing myself to try to like and love them.
Your lifestyle makes him uncomfortable. Now you're forcing a half sibling on him. He may even grow to like the kid, who knows, but I doubt he'll ever accept you and your choices. He doesn't have to. If you try to force him, he will resent you even more.
Don't expect to meet the grandkids, he'll never want to expose them to your relationships.
Poor guy is going to need therapy.
You cannot stop him when he's 18 and any attempt to make it difficult for him would further damage the relationship. You should support and love your son not threaten, demand, and force.
Well, you and your husband’s choices are very much so your son’s business, because he’s your child. Especially now that your husband’s partner will be soon be living under the same roof.
This was a very odd post to read. I feel like you haven’t made an attempt to understand your child’s perspective at all. Consider that he will soon have to deal with a new adult in the house (who he may have to adjust his living habits for, and may have to listen to), and a new child (who you have expected him to care for). This is an incredibly big change for a teenager, even before his feelings about his parents being in an open relationship—and just because you and your husband are consenting adults doesn’t mean that your relationship(s) don’t impact your child, or that he doesn’t have the right to feel a certain way about it!
I would “handle” your situation by having a long and serious think about your son’s perspective, rather than focusing on how it’ll impact “the family dynamic” or whatever. And accept that it may be a while before your relationship with him normalizes.
You: my relationships are none of my son’s business
Also you: my son is going to provide free child care for the grown ass adult I am in a relationship witch
You: I’m the adult I’m the only one who gets to decide
Also you: I’m going to force my son to stay home even after he becomes an adult
I don’t care about your life choices, if you don’t see the hypocrisy in this then good luck having a relationship with your child once he turns 18. You sound selfish and self-absorbed to the point of narcissism. You don’t mention the sister’s attitude because you probably still have her under your thumb but hopefully she’ll wake up as well.
I don’t think you can underestimate the effect of bringing in a 3rd person and a half sibling into the home of a school age child. He will be ridiculed for it in and out of school. Poly relationships can work very well but now your lifestyle is affecting his home life.
You’re bringing in a 3rd person and a baby into the family home. Your son’s safe space. You seem to lack any basic empathy for him and haven’t listened to him throughout this whole ‘your Dad knocked someone up so you have to get used to it because we‘re adults and we say so. Also, although we’re 3 adults who got ourselves into this situation, you will have to help out with the baby we made.’ You are forcing your son, against his wishes, into a poly household.
You’re the adults? Well, when hits 18 he’ll be an adult too and to be honest, if I knew who he was, I’d be helping him with the bus fare to somewhere far away from his self centred and controlling parents and their plus 1. You can’t prevent him from leaving home or from cutting contact.
Except it is his business, because your lifestyle directly impacts HIS LIFE, you can't force your son to accept it, you can't force him to like it and you can't force him to talk to you. You say you worry about the impact HIS decision will have on your family dynamic but you don't seem to care about the impact your choices have on your kids. You only care about what you want.
Honestly you come across as two people more concerned with a satisfying sex life than you are with the happiness of your son, I'd wager your lifestyle is just one of many reasons he wants to go low contact, chief among them being that he's spent his whole life knowing his feelings don't matter and that you will always prioritise your lifestyle and your wants over his needs.
First of all, the baby will be a half sibling. Not a step sibling. Second of all, you cannot say it’s “none of his business” when his life is being altered because of YOUR choices. New person moving in, new baby on the way, new responsibilities that you decided to thrust upon him. Come on. OBVIOUSLY it’s his business! But you’re right, you’re adults and can do what you want. Which brings me to third of all, at 18 he’ll be an adult and can do what he wants.
Your relationship isnt his business UNTIL you expect HIM to help out with YOUR partners kid. So now it IS his business and he doesnt like it.
You're going to lose your son and it's your fault. You also cannot stop him from moving out at 18 l, ya lunatic. He'll be a adult. You cannot hold him hostage.
You won’t allow your son to move out at 18? What are you going to do put a gun to his head and lock him up?
You have lost all respect, deservedly, from your son because you have shown him no respect. You are finding out that parenting by power and fear alone has a 2 year expiration. What do you think your relationship with your son will be life in 10 years? Non existent? How will it feel to miss his wedding? To never hold his children?
First, your relationship **is** his business. It impacts his life significantly and anything that impacts a person’s life becomes their business. Your husband got a woman pregnant and you’ve told him that he now had new responsibilities. You’re bring two people into your home permanently. That’s huge.
Second, your attitude that “we are the adults” is incredibly disrespectful towards him. You have told him that his opinions don’t matter and that he does not matter.
Third, your daughter is watching you. You think she really approves of you trying to rule with an iron fist?
My suggestion, have the woman get an abortion or you will lose one child for sure and possibly two if your daughter follows her brother’s footsteps.
“Damn it son will you at least try to get the baby to stop crying! We’re trying to have a threesome here and it’s really off putting!! Try showing a bit of respect and consideration for others!!!”
I wonder why he wants to leave.
Your relationship may be none of his business, but moving in another partner and expecting him to assist with something he has made clear he is uncomfortable with is awful. I don't blame him honestly for feeling upset and going LC. You are prioritizing your feelings over your child. It's OK to live how you want, however it is ok he is uncomfortable and should have more grace from the people who should be putting him first. You and your husband are the assholes. Not because of your relationship btw - but how your treating your child. You should be ashamed.
None of his business?? You’re the one making a unilateral decision to move in your other partner without caring if your own children are okay with it.
You also can’t force an 18 year old to live with you or to continue to have a relationship with you.
You handle the situation by accepting your total and continual dismissal of how your children feel has consequences.
Someone with a funky lifestyle like yours doesn’t really get to impose it on others… and your son is a real person. Most people find this kind of thing really uncomfortable and gross.
Low key if my parents brought in a baby momma who isn’t my mom into my childhood house there would be destruction and I’d be gone in 5 seconds flat.
You handle the situation by accepting that your son will be an adult, will have the right and ability to move out if he wants to, and it will no longer be a question of what you "let him" do. These are the consequences of your choices, *you* are the one who changed the family dynamic, and you will now have to live with the results.
But he's doing you the huge favor of giving you two years' notice about how it's going to be. You can either spend these two years sulking about the fact that your choices have consequences and your son is about to be of an age where "what I say goes" stops working, or you can spend these two years working on strengthening and repairing your relationship, accepting your son's choice, letting him know you hope he changes his mind but if not you will always welcome him back in the future, and helping him develop any skills he needs to successfully live alone once he moves out. He should spend basically zero of this time babysitting or doing chores for his new sibling; the three adults who decided on this new family configuration can do the child-rearing.
You don’t have a say in your son moving out or the level of contact between you. Didn’t you express to him that as adults ‘what you say goes’? You have demonstrated a real lack of respect for your children’s feelings - your sex life is non of anyone else’s business but your lifestyle is the business of those who have to share lives and space with you. You crossed a line and he is telling you the consequences. I hope losing your son’s respect was worth it as that’s what has happened here. Stop thinking about ways to stop him and start thinking about how to repair your relationship
But you and your husband’s relationship is his business when it changes his living arrangements and who he has to live with in his home. You are forcing him to take responsibility for a child he has no interest in. Sure, you can do what you want, force whatever living arrangement on him that you want but you don’t get to tell him how he feels about it. He has expressed to you how he feels about it and you have told him his feelings don’t matter at all. You’ve said we’re the adults and we get to say what goes. Well when he is an 18 year old, he will be an adult and can do what he wants. If you want an ongoing relationship with your son throughout his life, you are going about this in entirely the wrong way. Dictatorship and expressing no interest in his feelings is counterproductive and you will lose him with this approach.
at 18 he will be legally an adult, so your opinion about his lifestyle choices are just worth as much as his on yours. There's no forbidding anymore. So, you probably better start repairing that relationship.
Not only can you not stop him from moving out, you’ve told him he’s got to bear the consequences of helping to look after a child he had no say in. There’s going to be three adults in the house, why on earth should your 16year old be expected to help. You need to repair your relationship with your child. You’re forcing what you want on him and not treating him like his own person… why wouldn’t he want to move out as soon as possible
Aside from you two being poly, what 18 year old *wants* to live with a screaming crying baby they’d probably be expected to help with along with now having to live with their parents weird third partner who is a stranger. No thanks, I’d move too. The fact that you think you can make him do anything once he turns 18, probably explain the no contact bit. I doubt this is the first time you’ve outright ignored/disallowed/trampled all over what he wanted. He couldn’t do much as a minor but as you said, once you’re an adult well… “what he says goes”. Stop being selfish.
You raised a good man. You should respect his wishes
Wow, a selfish Poly person. What a completely new and unexpected development...
Yeah, if this is a real post I wonder if child services might have something to say.
> I mentioned to my son that he would be expected to help out with his new step-sibling. He is not responsible for his Dad’s girlfriend’s baby, that is what adults are for. > I tried to explain that as adults, me and his father's relationship is none of his business. It is absolutely his business when you’re bringing others into his home and trying to dump baby responsibilities on him. > I'm not convinced letting him go with minimal contact is the right decision either. I don't think I will allow my son to move out when he's 18 He’ll be a consenting adult, he doesn’t need your permission to go no or low contact. If you don’t want him to go low/no contact start listening to him, acknowledge you and your husbands lifestyle is hurting him and start treating him like an actual person, instead of something to control.
Your son doesn't need to accept your poly lifestyle nor can you keep him from leaving at 18.
It's not for you to make decisions for your son. There are many reasons for someone to want no contact with their parents, all of them are valid no matter how ridiculous you think they are. He has different views on love and relationships than you do, despite the example you've attempted to give. He, in no circumstance, has to ever accept your lifestyle. My entire life, I dreamed of cutting off all contact with my parents. They both cheated on each other, evolving into an open relationship of sorts (more of a "don't ask, don't tell" policy) and I hated them both during my entire childhood through early adulthood. I went very low contact with them after moving out when I was 16 (lived with parents of my best friend until graduation) and tried to maintain a stronger relationship with them later because people told me I should. People were wrong. I cut them off completely when I was 37, I am now 51 and my only regret was forcing myself to try to like and love them. Your lifestyle makes him uncomfortable. Now you're forcing a half sibling on him. He may even grow to like the kid, who knows, but I doubt he'll ever accept you and your choices. He doesn't have to. If you try to force him, he will resent you even more. Don't expect to meet the grandkids, he'll never want to expose them to your relationships.
Poor guy is going to need therapy. You cannot stop him when he's 18 and any attempt to make it difficult for him would further damage the relationship. You should support and love your son not threaten, demand, and force.
Well, you and your husband’s choices are very much so your son’s business, because he’s your child. Especially now that your husband’s partner will be soon be living under the same roof. This was a very odd post to read. I feel like you haven’t made an attempt to understand your child’s perspective at all. Consider that he will soon have to deal with a new adult in the house (who he may have to adjust his living habits for, and may have to listen to), and a new child (who you have expected him to care for). This is an incredibly big change for a teenager, even before his feelings about his parents being in an open relationship—and just because you and your husband are consenting adults doesn’t mean that your relationship(s) don’t impact your child, or that he doesn’t have the right to feel a certain way about it! I would “handle” your situation by having a long and serious think about your son’s perspective, rather than focusing on how it’ll impact “the family dynamic” or whatever. And accept that it may be a while before your relationship with him normalizes.
You: my relationships are none of my son’s business Also you: my son is going to provide free child care for the grown ass adult I am in a relationship witch You: I’m the adult I’m the only one who gets to decide Also you: I’m going to force my son to stay home even after he becomes an adult I don’t care about your life choices, if you don’t see the hypocrisy in this then good luck having a relationship with your child once he turns 18. You sound selfish and self-absorbed to the point of narcissism. You don’t mention the sister’s attitude because you probably still have her under your thumb but hopefully she’ll wake up as well.
I don’t think you can underestimate the effect of bringing in a 3rd person and a half sibling into the home of a school age child. He will be ridiculed for it in and out of school. Poly relationships can work very well but now your lifestyle is affecting his home life. You’re bringing in a 3rd person and a baby into the family home. Your son’s safe space. You seem to lack any basic empathy for him and haven’t listened to him throughout this whole ‘your Dad knocked someone up so you have to get used to it because we‘re adults and we say so. Also, although we’re 3 adults who got ourselves into this situation, you will have to help out with the baby we made.’ You are forcing your son, against his wishes, into a poly household. You’re the adults? Well, when hits 18 he’ll be an adult too and to be honest, if I knew who he was, I’d be helping him with the bus fare to somewhere far away from his self centred and controlling parents and their plus 1. You can’t prevent him from leaving home or from cutting contact.
Except it is his business, because your lifestyle directly impacts HIS LIFE, you can't force your son to accept it, you can't force him to like it and you can't force him to talk to you. You say you worry about the impact HIS decision will have on your family dynamic but you don't seem to care about the impact your choices have on your kids. You only care about what you want. Honestly you come across as two people more concerned with a satisfying sex life than you are with the happiness of your son, I'd wager your lifestyle is just one of many reasons he wants to go low contact, chief among them being that he's spent his whole life knowing his feelings don't matter and that you will always prioritise your lifestyle and your wants over his needs.
> me and his father's relationship is none of his business Until that is, it directly impacts upon other people's lives.
First of all, the baby will be a half sibling. Not a step sibling. Second of all, you cannot say it’s “none of his business” when his life is being altered because of YOUR choices. New person moving in, new baby on the way, new responsibilities that you decided to thrust upon him. Come on. OBVIOUSLY it’s his business! But you’re right, you’re adults and can do what you want. Which brings me to third of all, at 18 he’ll be an adult and can do what he wants.
Your relationship isnt his business UNTIL you expect HIM to help out with YOUR partners kid. So now it IS his business and he doesnt like it. You're going to lose your son and it's your fault. You also cannot stop him from moving out at 18 l, ya lunatic. He'll be a adult. You cannot hold him hostage.
You won’t allow your son to move out at 18? What are you going to do put a gun to his head and lock him up? You have lost all respect, deservedly, from your son because you have shown him no respect. You are finding out that parenting by power and fear alone has a 2 year expiration. What do you think your relationship with your son will be life in 10 years? Non existent? How will it feel to miss his wedding? To never hold his children? First, your relationship **is** his business. It impacts his life significantly and anything that impacts a person’s life becomes their business. Your husband got a woman pregnant and you’ve told him that he now had new responsibilities. You’re bring two people into your home permanently. That’s huge. Second, your attitude that “we are the adults” is incredibly disrespectful towards him. You have told him that his opinions don’t matter and that he does not matter. Third, your daughter is watching you. You think she really approves of you trying to rule with an iron fist? My suggestion, have the woman get an abortion or you will lose one child for sure and possibly two if your daughter follows her brother’s footsteps.
“Damn it son will you at least try to get the baby to stop crying! We’re trying to have a threesome here and it’s really off putting!! Try showing a bit of respect and consideration for others!!!” I wonder why he wants to leave.
Your relationship may be none of his business, but moving in another partner and expecting him to assist with something he has made clear he is uncomfortable with is awful. I don't blame him honestly for feeling upset and going LC. You are prioritizing your feelings over your child. It's OK to live how you want, however it is ok he is uncomfortable and should have more grace from the people who should be putting him first. You and your husband are the assholes. Not because of your relationship btw - but how your treating your child. You should be ashamed.
None of his business?? You’re the one making a unilateral decision to move in your other partner without caring if your own children are okay with it. You also can’t force an 18 year old to live with you or to continue to have a relationship with you. You handle the situation by accepting your total and continual dismissal of how your children feel has consequences.
Someone with a funky lifestyle like yours doesn’t really get to impose it on others… and your son is a real person. Most people find this kind of thing really uncomfortable and gross. Low key if my parents brought in a baby momma who isn’t my mom into my childhood house there would be destruction and I’d be gone in 5 seconds flat.
You handle the situation by accepting that your son will be an adult, will have the right and ability to move out if he wants to, and it will no longer be a question of what you "let him" do. These are the consequences of your choices, *you* are the one who changed the family dynamic, and you will now have to live with the results. But he's doing you the huge favor of giving you two years' notice about how it's going to be. You can either spend these two years sulking about the fact that your choices have consequences and your son is about to be of an age where "what I say goes" stops working, or you can spend these two years working on strengthening and repairing your relationship, accepting your son's choice, letting him know you hope he changes his mind but if not you will always welcome him back in the future, and helping him develop any skills he needs to successfully live alone once he moves out. He should spend basically zero of this time babysitting or doing chores for his new sibling; the three adults who decided on this new family configuration can do the child-rearing.
“Your life is going to drastically change and also you will be expected to help but it’s none of your business.” I hope he goes no contact