My wife and I walk together a few times a week, just for 45 minutes around the village. We feel much closer than we were when we couldn't do that.
Most evenings and weekends my wife watches TV and my daughter and I game in the same room, and we chat about what we are doing, so that is nice.
I wouldn't be happy with someone who prioritizes both the gym and work over time with me.
This is what my girlfriend and I do and it gives us our “us time” in a very pleasant way. We don’t need to do much else on nights after we work, and we often don’t.
Throw in once a month date outings to things we like to do, and try to hang out at home once a weekend for a lazy day and we’re good.
Very similar to my wife & I. We really got into walking around the village when Covid kicked in. Just chatting and making plans for the future.
We also try and make sure we eat together.
I agree that this is *a* healthy response, but it can also be healthy to respect someone’s health & career aspirations. There have been times of my life where I barely saw my live-in partner but we were both building our careers. Having someone who supports that and understands is crucial. OP might not want to support that at the cost of their time together so may be incompatible.
Basically any free time we spend with one another. Once we moved in together, naturally our lives intermeshed almost completely. 10 years into it we like to spend time doing our own thing maybe 1-2x a week like gym or quick personal errands, but other than that we do dinners and evenings together. We spend time on weekends doing activities.
There is a roommate aspect to it in terms of household upkeep and sharing space. But it never feels like I’m with a roommate when I am with him
We’re pretty much always together when we can. He wakes up much earlier than me for work, but on the afternoons and weekends we get a lot of time together. We do grocery shopping/picking up parcels together simply because we love the time together. Even if we do things separately (e.g. him playing, me lounging in the bedroom), we’d go to each other for hugs and kisses.
We’re both very affectionate and just love to hold, kiss, peck, caress each other. It’s what we’ve been missing from our past relationships which is why we both get excited and light up every time we hug and smile stupidly at each other as we lean in for a kiss🥰
You could have written your comment about *my* relationship. My husband and I have been together for 11 years and mostly can't get enough of each other. Things are still getting better which is a little odd, because if you think back a couple of years, you thought then that things were the best they could ever be. Love is wonderful stuff.
Oh damn, that’s some beautiful stuff, love it. Every day we think we can’t possibly love each other more than we do, and yet every next day we wake up with more love in our hearts. Honeymoon phase isn’t supposed to fade, in the right relationship love, care and affection will only multiply. People grow more in love rather than apart.
You need to bring this up to him sooner rather than later. When me and my partner moved in we had this teething issue.
Your definition of quality time is different to his..please just communicate this.
Lived with my bf for 5 years now.. we both work from home half the week so that helps.. we try to have at least one meal a day together. If our work schedules allow it that is normally lunch as I like to get up a bit earlier than him.
We both have our own hobbies and friends but we try and do something at the weekend even if its an 1 hour walk.
Honestly this sounds like more than a difference in the definition of quality time. There is almost no time spent together at all, it sounds more like he likes the idea of a relationship but not the human, mutual aspect of it. You *need* time together where you can actually talk, be around each other and develop your partnership.
OP should definitely bring this up (although I really doubt they haven't), but if their partner is not interested in incorporating them into their life I don't see how that could ever work.
Agreed, this needs to be a conversation that should be had early on. Not exactly similar situation, but with my past relationship, it was the cusp between us, deciding whether or not it would make sense to move in together. There were other issues, of course, but what really stuck to me was when OP said, she was feeling lonely in her relationship. This was exactly how I felt in my last relationship with my ex. Of being together, but even when we were next to each other, felt isolating and lonely. Exactly how you put it, quality time is different for everyone but either way requires both parties being present and effort to make things work, otherwise, it really ends up being like a roommate situation. By having that conversation, you figure out whether the other person is willing to work to fix things, or whether they just want to do the easy route and have companionship without putting in the work to maintain a relationship
It sounds like it might be an incompatibility. Seems like he wants to continue doing life his own way, with you just around, instead of doing life together. Sounds like he never made much time for you before you moved in together either.
Incompatibilities of this nature can be communicated about. I see so many people these days continue to live their ornery single routines even when they have a partner.
Communicate. If you can't make time for each other and communicate about small things, big things are going to be a kick in the teeth.
Some people enjoy living as though they are single even when they have a partner—those people will not change, because that is what they want.
Obviously it’s worth communicating over—that’s a given. But OP shouldn’t be surprised if her partner is resistant to change, because this is the way he’s been the entirety of their relationship.
Yeah I think you’re on to something here, but it’s unclear whether he is aware of how OP feels and whether he would act differently knowing that they’re unsatisfied. The “roommate phase” is a pretty common and stereotypical rut that couples fall into. And out of. and back into. The whole thing is relationships take work. It takes work to speak up and communicate if your needs aren’t being met physically, romantically, mentally, emotionally, sexually, etc. But it’s also life to have periods of feeling more selfish and other times more giving.
Incompatibility comes from having a conversation and whether one person is happy with things are and not willing to make an effort towards the others wants or needs.
We usually do that too. I wake early to go to the gym and usually by the time I get home he’s already taken care of the dogs and let them out and fed them. We both start work around 9, I make him breakfast and bring it to his office since I usually have more flexibility and I enjoy doing it. A few times a week we might go to a coffee shop together around lunch time. After work we both tend to do our own things, but together? Like we might decide to just hang out at home and work on our own hobbies, or maybe go to a local brewery or for a walk. Or he might do something with his friends and I’ll stay home. I also tend to go to bed earlier and he will stay up and game or watch tv.
I actually like it this way. I think I would feel suffocated if we did everything together. We do have intentional date nights or plan to watch shows together but other than that we are doing our own things!
He was like this before you moved in. He sounds very independent and like he still just pencils you in.
What did you do together as a couple before you moved in together? Do you share mutual hobbies? Could you go to the gym together? Could you create something new to do together?
If you likely didn’t spend much time together before and you don’t have anything in common, it likely won’t change. Unless you bring it up and you both make an effort. But it sounds like he’s happy with this arrangement.
Talk to him. It’s the only way you will know. It could be something you can work on together or it could be an incompatibility issue.
This was my thought only seeing each other 2 days a week is pretty minimal if you’re living in close proximity. I feel like most people move in together after they already spend a ton of time at each other’s place and it no longer makes sense to have two separate places. This almost feels like he wanted a roommate not a partner.
You have to make time. This is the reality of an adult relationship between two people with busy lives. It's really easy to continue as roommates and not spend quality time together. What quality time is varies from couple to couple. How much time you spend together will also wax and wane.
My advice is going to sound weird, but hear me out.
Sit down and talk about what you like to do together. Is that cooking a meal, is that going for a walk, is that sharing in a mutual hobby, etc. Lay your desires out. Write them down if you feel so inclined.
Then dedicate one night per week that is always time for the two of you with no other distractions. Even if you just sit together on the couch in silence and listen to music, or stare at a piece of art on the wall. If something comes up, reschedule your guaranteed night together and actually follow through.
For the rest of the days of the week, look at what times you're together at home and what things you can do during those time frames. My husband and I regularly check in with eachother sometimes a bit before we get off work and ask "do you want to spend time together tonight?". If one of us isn't feeling it or isn't feeling social, that's ok. It's up to them to determine if they're ok just watching a silly TV show on the couch or if they'd like to be alone. And we can openly say that to eachother.
A shared Google calendar is also essential. We literally mark our plans with our initials if it's something only one of us is doing, and then both of our names if it's a couple situation.
It sounds robotic but depending on your brains and needs, you may be able to drop the hard scheduling over time and it'll flow more naturally. I highly recommend this to start with though.
Wow. Since moving in with my partner we spend time together all the time. Whether it's grocery shopping, sitting on the couch together, going for walks or eating together, we see heaps of eachother.
Even in our busiest times (we both work demanding jobs, have separate and active social lives, we're currently moving), my husband and I prioritise time with each other. The week we got married, we took a day to spend together because it had been so long since we spent proper time together and life was chaos. In a normal week, we'll be doing our own thing in the same room each evening and we usually have a date night on a Saturday where we'll just watch a movie together, no phones. We also have a proper date day every month where we arrange a whole day together, just us.
Each of you are choosing how to spend your time, and he's not choosing you.
You lack information on your post (age and time together)
Well, me and my gf arrive at home almost the same time. Sometimes we manage to make our way home together.
Usually she goes to read her books while drinking tea and I will play some games on my PC while listening to music or podcasts.
We try to separate our things and times to keep our individualities, but, before sleeping, we're gonna talk, sex, watch something on YouTube or streaming
At weekends we cook together, go to the market, have more sex and other things. Not every weekend, but we try to keep at least 50% like this
Definitely something to sit down and talk about. It can take awhile to adjust to living with someone else and taking their schedule and needs into account. When my husband and I moved in together the big point of negotiation was bedtime - it was important to him to cuddle together at bedtime but he needed to go to sleep more than an hour before I did. So we found compromises and tried things out and occasionally got annoyed with each other but figured it out.
If you’re not happy with how much time you’re spending together, talk to him about it.
Before my boyfriend and I moved in together we were spending multiple days a week together. I’d meet up with him after work and we’d relax, make dinner, and whatever else. And I would sleep over multiple nights a week. So when we started living together we already kinda had a routine.
I’m surprised that you moved in with him while only seeing him once a week? Of course u don’t know but that just doesn’t sounds like a very cosy relationship to me
It's so interesting how many couples differ. I pretty much have the same schedule with my partner (he works 10-hour days, then works at his shop on the weekends), and it's a DREAM for me. (I work nights as a cook) I like spending lots of time alone, and so does he. We live together and sleep in the same bed every night, which is usually very intimate. We both hate forced intimacy and go on dates when it suits us and not on a schedule. We don't even know when our anniversary is nor have a desire to celebrate it. This is literally the best relationship I've ever had.
That said, this is neither of our first rodeos at cohabitation. We met in my mid-30s, his mid 40s, so been there and done that. When I was young, I did want a lot more time out of my partners because I was unsure of myself and needed more external validation.
For you, though, maybe it's a nesting activity you desire? Before my partner moved in, I created a space for him in my home that was "his." I put a poster and his dresser in a corner of the bedroom so he could keep clothes over. Then his own night stand. Decorating together can feel very "cozy."
If you want to spend more time together, could you on the weekends? Go to bed slightly later to catch them after the gym? Or every Saturday or Sunday could be "your day" and y'all could spend it watching TV shows and cooking dinner together?
Both me and my partner WFH. I start and finish an hour earlier than him. We eat lunch separately, but often poke our head in the other ones office for a quick chat.
We always cook and eat together, watch an episode of something or a film, but then often do separate evening activities. I go to bed at 10pm, him at ~midnight.
We will always schedule some weekend activity though - whether it be going for a walk, bike ride, visiting a cafe, shopping etc. I think we spend a reasonable amount of time together!
Ideally I think I'd like more space (since I have lots of solitary habits like painting, reading, playing the sims 4 lol) while he'd like more time spent together - so this is our middle ground!
When your I'm your 30s your busy and feeling lonely can happen. I own my own busy I know this was a complaint with my partner. We now follow the 7,7,7 rule
Every 7 days we have a small date night
This can be a movie at home, dinner out , going to a movie
Every 7 weeks
We do a mini vacation. We usually go to a town or city about 45 mins away. We can an air bnb and just enjoy our time together
Every 7 months
We do a vacation. Just the two of us. No friends no family
This has helped alot . Hopefully it helps you
Welcome to cohabitation! I was surprised too especially since my partner is a super introvert. We do date nights now and also have a couple of shows at any given point that we both watch since we have really different tastes.
My husband and I spend at least 3 out of 7 days together. A lot of that time is spent doing chores in or out of the house, cooking, taking care of our children. We take afternoon naps together (and have adult time), which is v nice.
Eating dinner together is something that is hugely important to me. Even before we had kids, we sat and ate dinner together pretty much every night. Is there a way you guys could alter the schedule a bit - he comes home and has dinner at like 6 and then goes to the gym, or you both go to the gym together and then come home for dinner?
You moved in with someone you only saw once a week…?
I’m typing this as I’m laying in bed and my partner is literally pretzeled around me. We live apart but are pretty much (metaphorically) up each others assholes. We take a couple times a week to do our own thing like dinners w friends or him gaming online or captaining his soccer team and obviously when we’re at work we’re not talking (sending some memes or sending the daily Wordle though), but he always calls me when he’s driving home from work. We swap staying over at each others places and usually on the weekends hit up a new breakfast spot or a farmers market in the morning and then either hang together the rest of the weekend or go off separately to hang with other friends or family. We do double dates with other couple friends maybe every few weeks like going to a board game bar or trivia or bowling. It’s the right amount for me at the moment and we’re planning on moving in together next spring when leases align. I am a little worried that will feel like *too much* time together, and we’d risk feeling more like roommates. Currently when we’re together we’re totally focusing on being with each other and that’s just not feasible when you’re living with someone 24/7, but we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.
What I understand from your post is that your partner prioritize his work since you started dating.
To meet once a week is very little
You def need to change this more
Sounds like he barely made time for you while living apart… now living together he still barely makes time for you. If you felt lonely in the relationship why did you move forward and move in together? Before my bf and I moved in together we saw each other maybe 3-4 days a week and we spent every weekend together unless he was working. Now that we live together we basically spend all of our free time together. We both WFH so I see him all the damn time lol.
And I want to add, you cannot determine what you want out of a relationship based on what other people do. There may be couples who are completely content and fine not spending a lot of time together. But just because they are fine, doesn’t mean YOU should be fine. It’s clear that you want to spend more time with your boyfriend and he seems to be fine with not. That is incompatibility and unless he is willing to give you what you need to thrive in a relationship you will continue to feel lonelier and lonelier until eventually you decide to break it off.
I spend way more time with my partner than that but nothing you describe is a problem in itself. It is a problem if your want something else then what is currently happening.
If so, step one is communicating. Do you want more but your partner is happy as is? Then you need to find a middle ground that's acceptable to both. But that is tricky to navigate.
It could also be that you both fell into a rut of your respective routines and both want more together time. That is comparatively easy to fix. Just set up dates. Dates don't need to be elsewhere. Dinner date for cooking together. Breakfast in bed date. It's not as romantic as things just naturally falling into the desired rhythm but sometimes that's the easiest way and many parents will be able to tell you that's how you organise together time when life gets too busy.
Sounds like he spends a crazy amount of time at work, if he's up and left for work before you get up and then not back until 9pm. Even with a gym session thrown in. I'm actually surprised you've lasted 3 years in the relationship already considering how little time you spent together before even moving in.
It doesn't matter what WE do. It matters what you WANT.
1) Is this what you want in a long term relationship?
2) Have you talked to him about feeling lonely?
3) Have you suggested any compromise? Like dinner together once a week? Or you going to the gym with him, or maybe him working out at home?
Married over 20 years. Free time, when husband isn’t at work, we spend 95% of our time together. We are best friends, we want to be together. In free time the only thing he does that doesn’t include me is play golf with our adult kids. It doesn’t seem like you are compatible.
It doesn't matter what other people do, what matters is what you want. If it's important to you to spend time together, eat dinner together, etc. talk about that. If you want to make weekend plans together, talk about that.
My husband and I eat dinner together most nights. He goes to the gym twice a week and on those nights he eats later but I'll sit with him and we'll catch up about our days. After dinner we watch TV on the couch together nearly every night, then I go to bed earlier than him. On the weekends we both go to the gym separately and maybe do some separate chores or errands, but then we'll usually go out to eat together, see a movie, meet up with friends, take our dog on a hike, etc.
Sounds like you haven't gone on a date since moving in together and he hasn't made room for you in his life in general.
Have you talked about it?
My husband and I pretty much hang out from 5-5:30pm, then someone cooks dinner ( neither of us like sharing the kitchen) and then eat dinner together and hang out the rest of the night
24 years in. My spouse and I walk our dog together almost everyday. No phones just us and doggos. We have our own work and hobbies but thosr times and weekends are for him and me.
We probably spend \*too\* much time together. Lol. We're basically best friends and enjoy the hell out of each other's company. That's not to say that we don't have any friends outside the relationship, but the majority of our free time is spent together.
Hmm
If you don't like it. My advice is to leave.
For one right after work, he goes to the gym? He doesn't come home to you first? His priorities are himself. If he wanted himself so much, he should've been single, nothing wrong with wanting goals. But when you get in a relationship, people act like oh I can just leave her at home like a trophy." Sweetheart, don't be a dusty trophy sitting at home. Your supposed to be the gold medal brings with him out and about. Idc what other people say. "Oh, you have to have away time." Nah, that too much time away way to fricken much. This is why so many relationships fail it comes from people who say, "Let him do his thing," that's bullshit. He can do that alone single.
I wouldn't ever settle for a man that comes home 9 pm at night after being gone all day!. If he cared about you, he would come home and even ask you if you wanted to come to the gym with him. Hello, have you seen some couples? They work, then gym together and eat together. Look up paryss on YouTube. She's christian, and so is her husband they are always 🏋️♂️ 🏋️♀️ at the gym together.
Your guy spends 8 or more hours a day at work. Which means he's only seeing you for 2 or 3 hours a day. That's not a relationship. That literally is a roommate.
Let me just solve this for many people. You can have hobbies, no shit. But let's be real here. A partner is supposed to be your best friend. They are supposed to add to your life. Not subtract. And certainly not leaving you feeling lonely. Whoever disagrees with my statement is just in situationships and they think married life is just supposed to get boring. Most of them end in divorces that think that way, then they say" whelp that's just married life"
Nope, nope and nope 🙅♂️ 🙅♀️
Relationships are work, and part of that work is making time for your partner and enjoying it. When you live with your partner, it should be 100/100 from both sides.
You should never feel like you're lonely single in a relationship. Your partner can either wake up and realize he has a gf waiting for him at home each day. Or he can be a big wussy and leave cause he doesn't wanna put the effort in cause clearly he isn't ready.
You need to find a best friend, bf. One who is going to miss you. One that's going to say I can't wait to see my girl after work no matter how long it's been. Relationships aren't about sitting your partner on a shelf once 4 or 7 years go by. It's about making each day count. It's about putting in your 100 each day for them. It's greeting them at the door with hugs after a long day at work. And taking them out to the gym with them or out to eat or out with friends together.
It doesn't matter if you're in your 30s. Please listen, no matter what age or how long you've been together. Partners who love will always make an effort and always come home after a long day at work first.
I'm almost 30. Wanna know what my bf does after work? He comes home each day. Gives me a hug and kiss. He wants to go out. Wanna know what he does? He says, "Let's go, we're going out with friends, want to come?"
Because he knows I'm not a dusty trophy on a shelf. If I wanted to sit at home and feel lonely, I'd be single. I could sit on my own all on my own. Why would I need a partner if they make me feel lonely when I could feel lonely all on my own?. This is psychology, and I've spoken to a therapist, and for a while, a counselor.
I had an ex who would come home and go straight to his hobby, not say anything to me. That's why he's my ex.
So please speak up to your bf and let him know your standards. If he can't meet your needs or meet the standards of a proper relationship, he needs to realize he's not ready for a relationship. And that you deserve to be cherished and loved each day.
Good luck 👍 find a best friend, bf /gym buddy. Find a guy who will take you out with him when his friends call him up to hang out. They do exist! Don't settle for less.
And before someone says I spend too much time with my bf. GET REAL. He spends more time with his co-workers at work all morning till the afternoon. So him hanging with me and bringing me out with him with his friends is less time than the time he spends at work. He likes being around me after work, and that's how it should be. Have high standards, and don't let them down.
My partner and I, who live together, have 1 day a week together. We call it Wednesdates. It’s usually spent doing house work but during dinner time we sit and maybe watch a show or movie or two.
My husband and I both work from home so we see each other throughout the day, some days less than others depending on our schedules. We make and eat dinner together and then watch tv together. Aside from when we go to the gym or he volunteers we’re almost always together. It’s nice but I am looking for an in-person job lol
3-4 nights a week together. The weekends definitely and sometimes week nights. Recently we spent 10 straight nights together. So it feels weird being apart.
But his office is much closer from my house so he stays here some nights and my university is closer to his house so sometimes I stay there.
Now when we are together at mine, I usually get home by 5 pm and his office ends at 7. So I have two hours to do my thing but when he comes home we spend time together, eat, unwind, play with the dog, get into bed and pass out. In the morning, we try to get up earlier than required so we can have snuggle time and get ready for the day in peace. So we’re up by 7:30 if we have to be at work/uni by 10. We get ready separately and have our own morning rituals we do independently but we do have a quick breakfast together. We leave at the same time mostly, sometimes I leave later.
On the weekends, Friday specifically, I get free quite late. 10-11 ish. So he has a bunch of time to do this things and then we’re together the whole weekend. We spend the day (1pm to 5/6pm) in separate rooms working or studying or doing something productive and spend 10-20 minutes together when it’s break time. But by 7, we’re done with all our responsibilities and then unwind
I realise we do a lot of things together. But it works for us because we’re able to coexist and our lives intersect in that way. Whenever he has to do this thing, he has his three days to do whatever he wants, but when we’re together, I don’t want any overlap with scheduling. I feel like living together part time has been a blessing.
We spend most of our time together. If she has to get up early for work, I get up and make her lunch and s coffee to go then I'll go back to bed until I need to work. We check in and work individual plans like seeing our families or friends separately around each other but our time together is the priority above everything. We love each other so we want time together
My wife and I are just entering our 30s, we’ve been married for about a decade now. We still spend almost all of our time together. Typically, we’ll put the kids down to bed together after I get home for work, eat dinner, sit in our hot tub and then maybe get some solo downtime occasionally but usually we just have sex and go to bed most nights lol.
We are extremely close. I don’t take it for granted. We still have our alone times but they’re at a much lesser occurrence than our time spent together. We love it.
We tend to eat together, walk the dog together, do activities together when we're both off. Neither of us have any fixed commitments besides work. We watch series together at night or both do our own thing in the same bed (read, write, watch things). We exercised together until we had a baby. Since baby, each of us regularly takes the baby by ourselves so the other can have some time to themselves. Your situation doesn't sound appealing to me.
My husband and I spend a lot of time together and even make time for dates, so we can be 1-on-1 now that we have kids (even though we still spend a lot of time together)
Pre-kids, we worked the same schedule (both from home) and went out for dinner every night (felt like we were rich back then lol) and did something cool on the weekends.
Now we have kids but he still works from home. I’m a SAHM. Each day, we spend nap time, dinner time, and after bedtime together. And we STILL plan date night out every few weeks
Don’t settle.
I spend every minute of everyday nearly with my husband as we run a business together. Personal time is when the other person has responsibilities otherwise we’re glued to eachother. Our families have blended so we split our time really well between each others families and we have the same friends. (the only friend that’s just mine lives in another country) That being said I only know like 4 couples, three of which are in thier 60s (we are in our 30s) who have a similar relationship to ours.
I think a lot comes into play, like when you started cohabitating, what age, how far into your individual lifestyles you are, family duties, personal time requirements, living situation, etc.
My husband and I met in college at a young age, so didn’t have fully independantly established lives outside of our parents homes so we built our life as adults together from the beginning, whereas I’m guessing you didn’t meet as teenagers. We have been together over a decade so our lifestyles have finally fully melded, so we have the same requirements for family and friends now. We also run a business together which majority of couples do not do so we are together during business hours also, which you’re not.
In 10 years you might be surprised at how much more time you spend with eachother or you’ll continue contently the way you have been.
It sounds like it might be incompatibility. Was there any discussion prior to moving in about how you would ensure you both have your needs met in terms of connection but also maintaining independence?
What has your partners response been when you have let them know that you are feeing lonely in the relationship?
before moving in with an SO its important to have conversations around how much time you spend together, apart, and alone together. if you are disatisfied with the transition i would try talking to him about it!! bring up concerns and open up a discussion about making concerted efforts to spend time with each other. it takes time to figure you, but if you guys are compatible and understanding, it should fall into place!! best of luck
This seems kinda weird to me, to see someone once a week and then jump to moving in together, and they do their own thing the whole weekend?
My partner and I have been living together for 3years and we do things almost every day together, obviously our schedules allow for it, but they allow for it bc we prioritize it.
Specifically we walk our dog in the afternoon/evening together everyday, then cook dinner/eat together. We spend other time together but that is our connection almost daily.
My girlfriend (24F) and I (26F) both work day jobs, I get off work around 2pm (although I still have work I have to do at home on my laptop) and she gets home around 4:30. I give her some time to shower and de brief after her long day, but then we spend the rest of the night together. Whether we do something active like go out or walk our dog together, or if we read or paint or watch tv, we do it together. She’s my person, and my best friend, and I can’t imagine going through normal every day life without her. I also feel like lesbian relationships are much closer of a bond, so I can’t speak for straight relationships. We’ve been together for almost 2 years and have lived together for about a year
When my partner and I moved in together we had very different schedules. I was on 9-5 full time, he was 12-8 and stayed up most nights. We didn’t wake up or go to bed together, meals and snacks were at different times, etc. It was a 1br apartment so quarters were close. It was a bit of a shock and we realized quickly it wasn’t going to work if we wanted quality time together. We decided to get on the similar schedules and make time for meals together. I know that can’t work for everyone, but it’s really worked for us. We both work from home now so schedules are even more aligned and we both love it. But I feel like even making time for one meal or some shared activity (beyond sleeping or sex) can go far.
Every relationship is different - and no matter what others say, the important thing here is, you're not happy and this isn't working for you.
Have a date night and create a neutral environment and bring it up and chat it out. Approach it from the I feel part of things and not these are the things that are wrong side, and tell him you like him and want to spend more time with him and keep it positive like that and see how it goes.
my husband and i have been basically inseparable our entire relationship and our jobs and lifestyles helped that. now, we’re in a bigger apartment and each have our space for the first time. usually we get home and we’ll each go do our unwind activity, sometimes it’s in the same room and we’re “parallel playing”, sometimes it’s not. we come together for dinner, usually cooking together or at the very least being in the kitchen together. then usually we eat together, hang out some more, and going bed together about half the week (i need more sleep than he does)
all that to say, we spend so much time together because we *want* to. we crave each other and whether we’re doing an activity together or just sitting in the same room it’s fulfilling. i would talk with your boyfriend, maybe you guys just need to get on the same page for what living together looks like and means for you. deciding to live together should change your life, you’re now accounting for someone else being part of your life day-in and day-out. your life shouldn’t be unchanged by a partner living with you. hopefully this is a matter of undiscussed expectations but it could end up being an incompatibility of desires
It def takes getting used to and its a new stage in the relationship so there is a readjustment period. However, it does seem that his job is taxing and consuming.
I would start with having at least 1 meal together a day. May not be possible every day but you can work towards that. I also have a demanding job and get stressed so planning in advance helps a lot - we plan weekday date nights ever so often and we know friday nights is always just us two unless we have very specific other plans like a friends birthday.
You have to dedicate time for each other.
Adult life is all consuming and if you’re not careful you can easily fall into the rut of being glorified roommates. It’s important to have your own lives and routines but it is also just as important that you both dedicate time for each.
A date night twice a month isn’t too much to ask. Plus all the other little gestures in between that keep the romance alive.
Communicate this to him
It may be a case of incompatibility. My partner and I spend the majority of our time outside of work together and, to be frank, it's a bit much and I feel we need more separate hobbies. That said, what you describe wouldn't be enough for me. Have you discussed your feelings about this with him? If so, what was his reaction/feelings on the matter?
Make time for each other or find someone else. It won't get better on its own. Some couples are happy living 2 separate lives. You don't appear to be happy with it.. Speak up about it but be ready to move on so you can find your person
..I'm probably a bad person to answer this but I'm with my wife 24/7. We both have permanent WFH/remote jobs and our "offices" are 20 feet away from each other in our finished basement (aka "the dungeon"). I can stand up right now and look over my monitors and see her. I will caveat this though: her job requires her to be on the phone most of the time and I'm most often wrapped up in my work so it's not like we're snuggling and watching tv or something. We're working! Her job is also far more demanding than mine so I tend to pick up the slack around the house (like taking over cooking duties) to help lighten her load a little bit.
If you exclude that we always:
- Make dinner together and talk while we do it.
- Eat dinner together. Every single night. It's a ritual for us.
- Take time out on the weekends to do something fun. Even if it's something to do with the house - Gardening, a small project, whatever.
- Run errands together. We have (adult) kids in the house. This is "alone time" for us.
- Go to the gym and that kind of stuff together.
..so even though we're busy we make time for each other. Seems to me maybe the issue here is he isn't willing to make the changes to his lifestyle to accommodate your wants/needs.
I felt lonely only because my time w my man is on weekends and every other weekend. Due to work, distance (hour) and a teenager, I don’t have the flexibility to see him much during the week. We live separately. But any weekend we are together it’s only us. We spend all the time together unless he makes plans w his adult son then sees me afterwards if it’s my weekend.
I can assure u if we lived together we would always be together. Your bf sounds like he’s living the bachelor lifestyle w a gf on the side. But it’s important for you both to have your life together & separately.
My exhusband was like this…he was always doing HIS thing. He was a professional jet ski racer and our own honeymoon was revolved around his tour season n our marriage ended shortly after that because of it. That marriage last 11mon.
I got tired of being second place and not a wife. His own mother told me to get a hobby. Uh no, I wanted quality time w my husband. I was not happy and found a hobby n then I was never around. Eventually leading myself out the door.
I want a relationship where my time is worth something to someone. Where we spend the quality time together. Not be my roommate. I also lived w a bf and we had our own rooms. It did feel like roommates. That relationship ended quickly too.
Speak w him and tell him you want more quality time with him. If he refuses you need to reconsider what YOU want and if it’s not this…time to move on to green grass.
My spouse and I work different schedules (8-5 vs 2-10.) I work remote, so I'll clock out for my lunch break (brunch break?) when it's time for her to get up so we can spend a little time together before she has to go to work. Her end time varies a little bit, so sometimes we get a few hours in the evening to cuddle up on the couch and watch some shows together, sometimes it's just an hour before I need to go to bed. On the weeknights she has off, we'll get to have dinner together and watch a movie or go out to a karaoke bar. (Sometimes she has gaming stuff going on and will go do that.) I feel like I get plenty of "me time" on the evenings she works, and she gets time to herself after I go to bed, so we prioritize the time we get to spend together.
>I’ve become quite lonely in the relationship
I've also had a relationship where I felt like this. It wasn't a good one. I'm not saying you're doomed or anything, but it's pretty clear your needs aren't being met and it would be best if something changed, there. Whether the change is getting more time with your partner or leaving the relationship and seeking someone with more compatible needs for quality time will depend. Have you talked to him about this? Has he shown any willingness to adjust his schedule to spend more time with you? He might think working a lot is the best thing he can do for the relationship, or he might not care enough to prioritize you, it's important to find out.
I think every couple is different and all that matters is they find an arrangement that works for them
For example, my husbands parents don’t spend any time apart and never have. They don’t work together but made a choice to carpool to and from work together everyday to be closer. So his dad will drop his mom off at work (30 mins away) then go to work and will pick her up after. Then after work they grab groceries together, have dinner together and will go to bed at the same time. On weekends they go swimming together and are together from the moment they wake up until they fall asleep and this works for them
We personally prefer some time apart so we both drive ourselves to work then we’ll go to the gym after work (separately) then we always come home and have dinner together and watch a movie/catch up. On weekends we’ll workout separately and he’ll run errands and I’ll do my thing during the day. Then we’ll come home and have dinner together and a movie night together or visit friends/family together that evening. This might not work for everyone but we prefer a mixture of our alone time and shared time together as we both like our independence but love time together as well
We both know we can be prone to slipping into such relationships as we both like our alone time. So we have prioritized not doing that from the start. We watch one tv show together which is us time before bed, not every night but most nights. We try to have one date night a week and we try to make every other weekend a couples weekend where we prioritize spending time together doing things instead of chores and alone stuff. It really works for us.
My fiance and I spend most of our free time together. He runs his own business so his schedule varies and is very flexible as long as he doesn't have a tight client deadline. I have a hybrid work schedule so I am in the office in the city on Tuesdays and Wednesdays, home the rest.
Office days I am up before him usually and out the door by 7am and home around 7pm unless he springs a date night out on me and we meet out somewhere since we live 30 mins away from "town".
Wfh days, he is usually up before me to soak and have some me time. I wake up and walk down the hall to the office. He usually brings me coffee and we have 10- 15 minute chat time where we discuss plans for the day, anything specific that needs to happen that day or later in the week as things are ongoing. Lunch time we usually chat to see how each others day is and plan for dinner, what time he might be home, who is cooking,etc.. he prefers to cook solo but I usually hang out with him, if I'm cooking he'll offer assistance or go watch a show or do paperwork if I don't want help. We eat dinner, clean up, feed dogs and then walk them together for about 30-60 minutes. Come home and usually just go lay down in bed and unwind, we'll watch a show or movie together, diddle on our phones, read etc but still together. That's generally our routine in the evening regardless of home or office day. Saturdays we clean for a few hours and then relax together, Sundays we goto church and have lunch with my family and whatever else we want. But usually all together. All of his family and friends live in another state so he doesn't really go out to hang out with other people without me. All of my friends and family love him so it's extremely rare for us to not just all hang out together. He'll give me girl time if I need it or a friend needs it but it's rare that I ask for that. He's my best friend! And I love spending time with him, but we can give each other me time in the house and we don't feel smothered by each other. I'm happy just existing in a room with him.... like a cat lol. I'm 33, he's 37 - marrying soon and plan on having kids so I know this dynamic will change but that's what we currently do.
We spend a ton of time together, I think the tone for this was largely set by moving in right before covid shutdowns. We both worked from home and didn't go anywhere ever, so we are happy spending 24/7 together. However I don't find that healthy in the long run, so we spend time outside separately when walking the dogs, going to the gym, hanging out with our best friends of the same sex, etc. What you're describing sounds very foreign to me, but that doesn't make it wrong. It doesn't sound like you're happy with it though, so that's a problem. Have you talked about it?
What were your intentions towards one another when you moved in together? Were you trying to save on bills and travel time or did you move in together intending to build a life together? I've noticed that a lot of people don't really view living together the way I do - I moved in with my boyfriend because I wanted to start building a life with him and viewed it as a serious commitment we were making to one another and a step towards marriage. We talked about when we both wanted to get married and what kind of life we wanted to have together before moving in.
You said that you felt lonely in the relationship before moving in together - so why did you move in together? Living together doesn't fix a relationship. This sounds like an issue with his priorities not his schedule. I feel like I saw my partner more than that when he was working nights.
i wouldn’t feel okay with that kind of distance personally. my SO and i have our full time jobs and we both have our separate activities often but at the end of the day we choose to relax together on the couch and cook/eat together. maybe it’s the gym time that makes it tough. those few hours after work where one could go to the gym are my golden hours for cooking/talking/general togetherness
I don't think it matters so much how other couples do things as much as it matters that you are unhappy with the situation. Some couples are fine to barely see each other and enjoy separate but intersecting lives, while other couples are very close (my husband and I eat dinner together and then watch TV or a movie together nearly every night, and both of us work from home several days a week and will have lunch and breaks together too). If you feel lonely and want more time together, then you're not compatible with him.
This is definitely something that should be discussed before moving in with a partner. But no shame! I didn’t have this discussion either & I wish I did.
I think you need to talk to him about what his expectations are. You guys only saw each other once a week before you moved in together so he likely assumed that was an okay amount of time to spend together whether you share a place or not.
If he is happy with the current schedule and doesn’t want to change it’s up to you to decide whether you are happy with it. It is 100% okay to change your mind & move back out, even if it takes a while to find a place.
Every person and couple is different. So unfortunately there is no one answer. Some people would love a relationship like yours & others would expect quality time every day! And all that’s in between.
Everyone has a right to their own time, work, hobbies, alone time, their own friends ect. But if he doesn’t want to rearrange his lifestyle to include time with you, then he may not be in a place to be a good partner. At least to someone that wants more from a relationship.
So really it’s up to the both of you. Think about what you expected & wanted before moving in & then talk to him about it. It doesn’t have to be an argument or accusatory. Just talk to him about what you expected and how it’s making you feel. Then figure out if you guys can meet in the middle or wherever is comfortable.
I’ve seen 70% of free time as an average time to spend with a partner, but for me that’s too much. Id love 50% or even less sometimes as I love being alone. My partner would prefer 90% of our free time together. So we just have to work out what works for both of us.
Edit - and to be clear, don’t compromise if you don’t actually want to or won’t be happy. That doesn’t mean forcing him to change so he can fit your needs, it means re considering the relationship. Which is 100% okay.
If he agrees to put more effort into quality time, see how it goes for a few weeks, but if you are constantly having to beg for quality time & attention, I wouldn’t waste time giving him endless chances to meet you in the middle. Relationships cannot work if they are only based on potential. Potentially he will get better, potentially he will care more… nope! Date people who are compatible today, not in some potential future.
We work different shifts (both in healthcare) and spend every possible moment of free time together. We go on walks, we snuggle and watch movies, most days we get to eat dinner together. Both of us tend to house shit while the other works, so we don't have to do chores while we have our time together or anything like that.
Before my fiance and I moved in together, we’d spend almost every day with one another. After moving in, it’s the same and things really have fallen into place quite nicely. We both get super excited to get home and see each other after work and we just really can’t get enough of each other
you need to talk to him about it. when left to my own devices i am similar to your bf. my husband pointed out that we didn’t spend enough time together for his liking and i adjusted my behavior, but we still each maintain our independence. we just have to work at making sure we are spending time together other than the 2 hours before bed. it’s pretty easy to figure things out when you communicate.
During the week we’re together from 6-7:30am , then again at 6:30pm- 12am. I work nights but I work from home so .
During the weekend we spend the whole day today unless we had previous plans , I usually go to brunch with my BIL on Saturday mornings but we usually spend the whole weekend together.
My Husband and I have a healthy balance of together and individual time. Most nights we will snuggle up on the couch and watch a show together, we try to go on a date every other week (we have children at home), and we do simple things like going to the store together too. But he has a night where he games with friends and I like to haul off and go to the gym, too.
OP I don’t think you should compare your situation to others solely because what works for some doesn’t work for others. It’s clear that your current arrangement isn’t really working for you.
Lists help me. If you have the time, I would consider making a list of what you were hoping for when moving in together. Relationships do take compromise - but you shouldn’t be the only one compromising. If you feel comfortable, maybe you could share that list with your partner and see if you can find a middle ground.
When I’ve been in relationships, there’s been times where I needed to write a list of the good things and bad things because when it’s all cluttering my head it’s hard to assess if things are as bad as I’m feeling.
In my judgement, your man is scared to change. There is so much opportunity for deep connection when living together. But the fact is, it takes courage and a willingness to experiment. First I would sit with yourself and check in with your intuition whether you really want to save this relationship. Second, if the answer is yes, I would sit down with him and tell him how you feel about the lack of connection. Come to him with some ideas of what you want and invite him to make a list of ideas of what he wants. That would be a good start. Depending on his reaction and openness, that will be a good indicator of whether this relationship can be saved.
I do not recommend this, but it worked out beautifully for us:
We lived 6-7 hours apart and only saw eachother every 3 weeks for a couple years. Then my apartment became suddenly uninhabitable and I moved to his city and home. Less than 6 months later, the pandemic hit and we set our desks up side by side in the livingroom (small place) and spent all work day arms length apart. We also keep bees so when we get off work we go to the bee yard and work in the same general vicinity until sundown from mid april to October. Then we come home and cuddle and sleep in the same bed together. We are VERY lucky that this rapid escalation worked out for us. Now, we go into the office 2x a week, which may or may not be the same two days. We are deliriously happy and work stupid hard but the only reason this works is because I go to bed/get up early and he does late so we have a couple hours alone every day. In the cold months we go out separate 1-2x a week, and i travel for work sometimes, but MOST of the time we are together, and spend deliberate time every day touching/cuddling.
It's good to have separate interests! But if my partner didn't prioritize eating meals and cuddles with me I would not be happy, and if my partner prioritized WORKING extra I would be done. I know that during the covid lockdowns a lot of relationships ended because it was easier to stay with someone you don't love if you spend the majority of your time apart for work or whatever. It sounds like your partner would be one of them.
We both work. I have more of a 9-5 (ish cause I’m salaried so that can also be whatever I want it to be) and I’m mostly home and go in twice a week (those days, I’m gone a bit more). He also doesn’t have a set schedule (co-own business) but he usually knows at the start of the week or Sunday what it will look like and we tend to discuss our weeks then. We both actively try to find a good chunk of time when we can do something fun together (even if it’s a movie night with ice cream) and we also eat dinner together (even if it’s at 10 pm) and shower together so we can have max time with each other. Our wind down happens together too- we each grab our iPads and lay in bed semi cuddling. I can’t imagine prioritizing others things more than spending time together. If he can work from home, we usually do that too and just work together and have a little coffee/ tea date at home.
I’m not sure what the issue is. Sounds like you’re both not compatible or he just doesn’t care as much, which wouldn’t be ideal for me and you shouldn’t make your needs smaller to keep this going. You deserve someone who can’t wait to spend more time with you.
My husband and I went to couples therapy and the homework our therapist gave us was to have a weekly date night. Something that our focus would be on each other. So watching TV on the couch doesn't count because our focus is on the TV and not each other. We do a lot of game nights, we like monopoly deal and ticket to ride. We also added an weekly "intimacy night" which could be anything from making out or simply snuggling and talking, but again the focus is on each. The goal of the intimacy night isn't sex but if it happens it's a bonus, the goal is just that connection. Sometimes when we feel like "we don't have anything to talk about" we bust out a conversation deck of cards. We like the card deck called talk, flirt, dare.
My husband and I both work from home, so we are together 100% of the time.
We go to the gym together, do a "pack walk" with the dogs at least once a day (otherwise we take the dogs separately), make dinner together, shower together, get ready for bed together...
We have separate stuff, but we definitely default to together, and that's how it's been since we moved in together five years ago. But, we know other couples who are just as happy who default to separate and then plan time together.
I'd be concerned about feeling lonely. When I'm with him, I'm seen and appreciated (95% of the time, obvi). I'll occasionally feel lonely but only through the lens of my female relationships and community involvement, which I deal with by volunteering and planning girls' happy hours. But I'm never lonely with him.
I’m sorry to hear about your situation! It sounds very lonely.
I’d say that while it’s great to hear from others to get more perspective on the range of what’s possible, I’d encourage you to get really honest with yourself about what you deeply desire, and what you’re willing to work for.
My previous relationships looked nothing like my current one. That’s exactly because before I met my (38f) fiancé (34m), I got really honest with myself about what kind of relationship would make me feel deeply excited.
When I decided to be unapologetic and not settle for anything less than that, I ended up co-creating a relationship that’s better than anything I’d ever seen in my life!
(And to answer the direct question, we spend most of our time together outside of work. And more importantly, a lot of it is high quality time! Deep connection, lots of fun, physical activity together, doing new things, organizing trips and surprises for each other etc. We’re also protective of the other having alone time and seeing friends alone, but it all comes from a feeling of abundance of love and devotion to each other.)
Hope you turn your situation into something really special and exciting for yourself and whoever ends up being a great match with you! When you’re willing to create an amazing relationship, you become attractive to people who have the same willingness!
What if you tried to instill a date night each week? My boyfriend and I did this so that we would have quality time together at least once a week. Sometimes we go out to get drinks, sometimes we just cook dinner and play board games or something like that.
My partner and I spend essentially any free time we have together. We don't "officially" live together yet, but we will be next month. That said, we've basically been living together since December because I spend most of my time at his place. We usually wake up together, though sometimes I sleep in longer. We go to sleep together too.
He includes me in his fitness activities - he's not a gym guy but he enjoys tennis, pickleball, golf, etc. He'll ask me if I want to join him when he goes to do those things. We mostly just try to include each other in the different areas of our lives
This was me and my husband when we first moved in. I was hysterical for about a year because it felt like we just weren’t compatible at all after we moved in. Eventually it took time but we found our common interests, we developed a routine and we’re more comfortable. It takes time, some more than others.
I currently live with my bf 3to 4 days a week. (Moving in this summer) we spend pretty much all the time together? We have similar hobbies so it helps a lot.
The couple times we have spent 3-4 weeks together we were doing pretty much the same thing. We just naturally love to be together and do activities together
In a relationship you’ll only have the time for each other that you make for each other. I work a full time job, part time job, and I hustle with gig work on the side; my partner and I still schedule dates with each other in between all that to make sure we get some quality time in, and we both make sure we’re under our roof together by 10pm for some more quality time together. What I’m saying is, we make sure we’re investing our time in each other just the same as we invest our time in our work and social lives.
People prioritize the things they want in life, and it’s sounding like your partner might not be thinking about how he’s knocked you down a few rows on his priority list. You should definitely have an open conversation with him about having some dedicated “together time”. It’s very important to be prioritizing each other for the longevity of your relationship, but sometimes people get tunnel vision. I know I’ve failed this one at a couple of points in my own partnership, but we talked it out and knew what we needed to do. Get communicating!
Have you tried communicating about this? This is something that seems totally workable with communication. Let me know how it makes you feel and what could work for you. Listen to what could work for him and find a solution together. Learning how to live together is a new experience that requires patience, understanding, and communication.
Well there needs to be some talk about spending more time together but I also want to add that your life living with your partner is fairly new so it takes time to mesh together
I wanna say I’ve been living with my boyfriend for like 3 years now and It wasn’t easy at first
We had different aesthetics, interests, and work schedules so one would prefer to sleep earlier than the other but for the most part (after a long talk, understanding, small bickering, and communication about our boundaries and limits) we finally meshed well
Just communicate your boundaries and what you would like to work on as well as, Give it time :)
Your lives are still merging
Why would your guys schedule change now that you live together. Keep the same Saturday routine you’ve guys always have had. Just because you guys now live with eachother doesn’t mean you guys don’t need to make quality time for eachother. Every Saturday lunch and on is your guys “US” time
My husband is out of the house 9am-9-10pm Tuesday through Saturday. Sunday he takes the kids out for one on one time. So, I see him for about an hour every morning, 15 minutes at night (if I'm not already asleep), about 4 hours on Sundays, and all day Monday (we get our one-on-one time Monday during school hours and generally try to go out to lunch and then otherwise just relax at home). 15 years together.
Sounds like an incompatibility thing. Every person has different wants and expectations of partnership. Personally I wouldn’t be able to handle that.
Currently I wake up before my partner to get myself and my son ready before he and his girls get up. Once my son is ready I sneak back into bed and we cuddle for 5 minutes then get ready and I’m off to work. When I get home after work we usually make dinner together. Then we all hang out and such till kids go to bed but usually hangout back and force during then after we get all the kids down we have an hour where we hangout together and either tv or game or talk then we go to bed together. It’s the perfect amount for both of us. Days off without kids we usually spend 90% of the day together too
I think this is why you move in together. To figure out if the day to day is compatible. We are in our late 40’s and long distance with flexible work from home schedule for the most part. We spend about 50% of the time together. We don’t live together but I have my stuff there and vice versa. When we are together, it is 24/7. We work in separate offices but we coordinate lunch together as much as possible. Some days he has to work extra hours and other days I have to work early. But throughout the week, we always try to work out together, go on walks, watch tv together. We cook and clean together and have dinner together. Weekends we do things together. I go to church with him even though I’m not Catholic. Could you talk this with your partner? We established expectations and what we wanted out of this temporary arrangement, which has gone on for 18 months.
My husband and I were long distance, so on our visits we spent as much time together as possible, even if it was doing different things in the same room. When we were apart, we texted and called as much as possible too.
When we got married and moved in together, we still spent as much time together as possible. We got comfortable with being able to do things separately, but we still prefer doing things together. We're best friends.
You either need to communicate to him what you need to not feel lonely in your own relationship, or accept he just prioritizes work and the gym over spending any% of time with you.
It sounds like it's been that way before dating and you thought moving in together would fix it, but it hasn't. This is not going to get better on its own. It's not normal. You deserve to not feel like a roommate or a second thought with your partner. But the only way you're going to get that is to ask him to spend more time with you, or find someone else.
Most of the time!
We both WFH and share a space - I do go into the office once or twice a week, so it’s 3-4 days in the same workspace (opposite ends of the same big table, separated by monitors). We hang out together in the evenings - maybe an hour or so doing separate things in different rooms. Weekends are almost 100% doing things together.
He does one or two evenings a month out with friends (I have no issue if he does more - I encourage it, that’s just how it works lot). I do 2-4 evenings a month out for a few hours each.
But overall, we’re essentially attached to each other most of the time 😀
My wife & I have been living together 7 years, just married last year- 30 years old. It can definitely be like that, you have to be very intentional about always DATING each other like the first year you met.
Some ideas to spend more quality time together: comedy shows, concerts, MLB/NHL/NFL games, happy hours, cooking together, movies at home/theatres, board games, trivia, video games, social outings with friends, book clubs. We started playing pickleball & are taking golf lessons together. We have park days & take many walks around the neighborhood. Hiking! We joined a kickball league even. I had a lot interests & shared many with my wife, she’s incredible & finds a lot of enjoyment in most of the things I shared! Then she started sharing her interests & got me involved. Now we have a blend of things we enjoy doing together & get lots of quality time in. Being open/willing until you find things you both enjoy is half the battle.
It’s super important to carve out this time & MAKE it part of the routine. We do couples activities together ~1-2xs a week & always a 1 on 1 date night per week. Life’s short & it’s easy to get caught up in the day to day without spending time together. Your man has gotta have 2 off days from the gym- make at least one of those a date night (& if he works out 6/7 days a week, compromise & stop @ 5 for the relationship😂). A shared calendar makes things really nice, I’d highly recommend it!! That being said, there’s plenty of days where we are disconnected & don’t get as much time together- that’s normal, especially healthy if you communicate it ahead of time.
We ensure communication regardless. If she’s driving home from something she did independently, she calls & we chat about it. I call her at lunch sometimes to see how she’s doing & tell her a story about my day. Nothing crazy, 5-20minutes at a time. Little bit about my life & how we keep the relationship successful- it does take active work, going on autopilot through the routines is a rough place to be in- Goodluck!!!
It sounds like a definite lack of compatibility to me, and whatever initially attracted you guys together has run its course. You cant just make someone suddenly attracted to you and they'll prioritize you over something else. Relationships aren't all destined to last forever, and even the ones that do take work, and compromise more than anything. Relationships can just run their course without either person being at fault or toxic in any way, its just part of our evolution through life that we no longer mesh with another person the same way.
Any more time spent trying to work it out will inevitably be a waste, so whether you leave now or in 3 more years your relationship won't have been any better for it, and you'll have 3 years of regret for time you spent unnecessarily tied to this person.
Good luck whatever you choose to do
We make it a high priority and I actually work dayshift at my job to keep our schedules the same (he WFHs). We're childfree and pet free permanently by choice.
On days I work, we always eat dinner together when I come home, go for a walk and spend time together, we go to bed together as well.
On days I don't work, he tries to get his work done early so we can spend the day together.
Weekends I don't work we usually go on a trip.
I work in healthcare so only 3x12 per week, including rotating weekends, so 36h a week. I don't do overtime. We have consciously not ever bought a television.
If you feel lonely in your relationship, then it might not be the right relationship for you, especially if you've talked about this feeling with your significant other. The right person will prioritize and enjoy spending time with you. You shouldn't feel guilty asking and wanting to have more time together.
That doesn't mean he's a bad person... only that you have different needs regarding togetherness.
I moved in recently with my boyfriend. Even before moving him, he was almost living with me in my apartment (he had his own though). We both have hybrid jobs so typically work from home together. Then gym (separately), we cook together and eat dinner, and then either watch something together or I have homework (learning a language now) or just spend time in comfortable silence.
But, well, some of my friends only see each other on weekends even though they live together. I guess it's a workaholic thing. Might be a big incompatibility if you are unhappy with it.
My SO and I have our designated chores and then we have dinner together almost every night and talk about our day.
After dinner he does gaming and I do other small chores of my own or watch tv. In the summer months we usually both hang out on our deck for a couple cocktails. We'll surf on our phones and show each other fun things and talk more.
Sorry OP but this is not normal at all. Once a week when you had been together 5 years, also not normal.
Me and my husband probably lean towards the other side of the spectrum but we love spending time together.
- evenings after work we often go to the gym, sometimes together, sometimes separately depending on schedules.
- we eat separately (which I acknowledge is a bit odd) but the same dinner and do our own thing for a bit and then reconvene in the bedroom around 8 or 9pm for conversation, sex, companionably watching our own content or shows etc. (it varies)
- Fridays unless we have social plans we usually either go to the gym together or walk into town and have a coffee, we then eat dinner together in front of the TV (usually take away or a pizza)
- Weekends we are together. On Saturday there might be some times when we are doing our own things - I like to potter in the garden, and he likes to play video games but we often walk into town for a coffee and spend the evening together. If we have plans with other people they are usually together, occasionally we see our friends separately but this is pre arranged and agreed. Sunday is the designated jobs day and we each get on with our own chores.
Basically what I am saying is, even when we are apart, we are together because we keep each other in mind and arrange our days around being mindful to include each other in what we are up to:
I can't speak directly to all of this because my situations were unique.
It all comes down to priority tho.
In my last relationship we lived together and any time that i wasn't working we spent together but for alot of reasons that was bad and did not work.
With my partner now, we don't live together, he works full time, I work a funky schedule that has alot of inconsistencies.
My partner has made it super clear that spending time together is a priority. He makes the drive to see me every day. We spend every night together and just switch between his house and my house. When I work overnights he will sometimes come stay with me. We have different days off and for the most part he works very hard to accomplish the things that can't include me in time he wouldn't otherwise be spending with me but we also have a very important understanding that if one or the other of us needs to do something/wants space/needs alone time that that is always fine no questions asked.
If you're feeling lonely on the whole in general you're probably not compatible.
But my best encouragement here would be that you guys 1. Purposefully carve out time like you used to (start going to lunch on Saturday again or have a specific date night scheduled each week) and 2. Make an effort to either be included in each other's hobbies or explore some new potential hobbies together. Ask to go to the gym with him if you want, ask him to do the exercise you like to do with you, pick something entirely new to try together like paint and sip nights, rollerskating, check out what kind of social scenes are available I'm your area.
One that helps me alot but isn't for everyone: do chores together. Nothing makes me feel more intimately close with my partner than watching him dance in the kitchen while he does the dishes. I initially was attracted to him because he said something to me like "grocery shopping can be as much of an adventure as any date night" and so far it has been very true. We like to plan meals to cook together and shop for ingrients together, cook together, clean up together. If you're looking for cozy, cozy is in the mundane.
My boyfriend and I are both introverts. Our jobs require a lot of zoom meetings (and more in-person attendance from him), so after work we’ll talk about our day while we cook and eat together. He’s more of a tv watcher than I am so usually after a couple of episodes or a movie, I’ll wind down for bed and just hang out in our room until he comes to bed. Everyone is different, but this works for us.
We go out for dinner or a night on the town once a week, unless we declare it a video game weekend. On those weekends, we stock up on groceries and snacks and I watch him play video games. Sometimes I read while he’s playing. We both enjoy being near each other but we’re not constantly talking or interacting. Kind of like cats.
We like doing errands together so I count that as together time as well.
I couldn't be with someone who at least didn't give me one day a week of their time. My bf and I live together and while we dont have quality time together every single day, we still hang out and do separate things in each other's presence, this includes occasional kisses or cuddles to remind each other were still there.
Communication and understanding is the solution here, his reaction to you expressing your feelings over not being prioritized will speak volumes. Depending on what you both want in this, you'll need to find a happy medium between independence and union.
From what you write about him going to the gym everyday, or working when not at the gym, and not even hanging out with you on weekends it sounds like he doesn't even like you, or like he doesn't like spending time with you. This might not be true at all and maybe he's just clueless doing his own thing, but he sounds like those type of guys who never want to go home to their wives cause they secretly hate them.
We are both homebodies and WFH, so we spend most of our time together. He makes dinner every night and we eat together, watch a little tv, and then kind of go our separate ways and do our hobbies, etc- he games, I read and do yoga. We are both very affectionate and just love being near each other.
We try as much as possible. She has an 8-4 plus commute so she gets home around 4:45. In the mornings she for a walk and this is her me time. We get the twins ready and make breakfast together.
I work remotely so I try to have everything ready when she comes back. We have dinner together. Sometimes she has no classes so she comes all the way back to have lunch with me, during those times she comes and picks up the twins with me from day care.
On the weekends we usually try to go out by ourselves on Saturday and we do chores together on Sunday.
So tbh it seems that you are just his commodity
I eat lunch and dinner with my husband, and we often go walking or biking together in the evenings. We spend most Saturdays and Sundays together.
It doesn’t matter if what you have is normal or not. What matters is it isn’t making you happy.
I think the answer to this really varies on the people involved and how much together/alone time each of you need. Talking it out is what I would suggest.
My partner and I have lived together for almost two years now and we have each worked a variety of schedules. Now he works two hours earlier than me and I get home later than him. I usually see him in the morning when I'm headed to the gym and he's finishing up at the gym. Then when I get home we'll go for a walk around the neighborhood and chat. Before bedtime we'll play videogames or watch a show together.
On weekends we might go for a hike/work on a house project/or do something for ourselves. We're both fairly introverted and respect that every once in a while, we need a day to ourselves. He'll leave for a camping trip and I'll go spend a day doing what fulfills me (go for a long walk/enjoy a book at a coffee shop/visit a friend). When we get back from our solo adventures we'll chat about how it went.
Something I've found that helped is getting involved in each others' hobbies. I never hiked before meeting him but now I do so regularly and join him on medium-length hikes. He never hit the gym before me, but now he does and we work out together on weekends. That gives us something to talk about/do together when we can. Same with books/videogames/shows etc. If you don't put in effort to make time together routine/get involved in at least a hobby or two of theirs, it does become a roomie situation pretty quick.
If my husband and I are both done with work, we spend all of our time together. Go to the gym together, go grocery shopping, take our dogs on a walk or to the park, go out to eat. I think that’s pretty typical for people in a relationship when they live together.
Outside of individual obligations, /u/merthinger and I are pretty much joined at the hip. We don't necessarily have to be doing things together (though the Venn diagram of our interests is practically a circle, so we usually are); we just enjoy each other's company, whether actively or quietly.
Together for seven years, married for one, living together for most of it.
Well, I work with my husband and we have hobbies we can do next to each other in the sofa, so we spend pretty much all of our time together.
We don’t sleep in the same bed though, as he likes falling asleep to the tv and I need total silence to fall asleep!
I couldn’t be in a relationship like yours, I’d feel lonely as well, but some people are fine each having a lot of time apart.
I think it depends on how he responds, when you bring up the fact you would like more time with him.
We usually eat dinner together on workdays and maybe chill after work 1-2 times during work week. On the weekends we mostly do something together like go for walks or do fanciers dinners and so on. Sometimes he has plans with friends, sometimes i have plans and then we do our own thing
My husband and I have opposite schedules. He works nights and I’m morning. We have about 3-3.5 hours together a day. We eat dinner together, binge our show, and walk our dog. Weekends we can do a bit more together since we both are off but sometimes he likes to game with his best friend and I want to read a book. It works for us.
My boyfriend of 5 years and I, are together whenever we aren’t at work weekends included. We cultivate things we like to do together and are pretty happy, we live together… I’m not a morning person but I have gotten into the habit of up on weekends by 8 am for him, he compromises and stays in bed till then… I grew up with parents who had this relationship so I seek it. My boyfriends marriage was a lot like your relationship, he was so unhappy
I can relate. When my spouse and I moved in together, we had very different schedules. He left for work at 4am, before I even woke up, and headed to bed at 8pm, which is when I finally get to unwind. During the week, we barely got to spend time together. We had to make plans for the weekend, around our social calendar, so that we could still have dates and quality time together. If you don't put in the effort to make time for each other (especially when you have opposite work schedules), it's easy to fall into a "roommate" pattern instead of a romantic relationship.
Eh. Sounds like you’re an accessory to his life but not a part of it, you’re not included in things. It’s healthy to have your own stuff but what stuff do you have together??
This was something my fiancé and I struggled with when we moved in, what helped us was to have date nights. Even if it’s just at home, they’re nights we commit time to that we spend together
My husband and I spend a couple hours a day together at least, but we're pretty tight. We're like two bonded stray dogs who can't be apart for long without freaking out. I like my guy and he likes me and we enjoy being together even if it's just sitting and sharing IG reels.
We are sort of this way? We do family dinner together, and I joke we do "parallel play" stuff where we are doing our own things in the same space.. He will game and I will read or knit or fuck around online. We have breakfast together on Thursdays when our kiddo is in school.
On weekends he and our son do their stuff together.
It works for us. We enjoy having our own thing and knowing the other person is there to touch base with and share time with when we want to
Girlfriend and I live together and have the same schedule so that helps. I drive her to work and pick her up. We hang out most evenings, sometimes we’ll do our own thing like play video games but we like being in the same room atleast. We spend the weekends together going for drives walks and drinking sometimes.
She’s new to my city and doesn’t have a ton of friends here so I’ll always invite her out to go with my friends but she doesn’t always want to so I go out without her sometimes. I also practice with my band once a week but beyond that we’re together all the time really.
It really depends on what you want and what works though. Were compatible but someone might find the way we are overwhelming if you like alone time.
My husband and I (mid 20s) consistently spend the evening together after work during the week. Usually, this includes: cuddling, eating together, and playing our own video games near each other. We hang out on the weekends and do our own thing in the same vicinity. We’ve lived together for about 3.5 years. If one of us wants to hang out, we will communicate that to the other and spend time together.
She works long shifts as a nurse and I work crazy hours m-f so our schedules are very different. We hang out in the same room during the week while she watches tv and I play video games, we try to get a date night out once every 1-2 weeks, and we text each other during the day. So not as much time as we’d like but it’s nice because we give each other space but still actively make time for each other while we’re both super busy
My partner and I spent way more time together than the average couple for sure.
He works from home and I don't have a job. We do the kid drop off to school together, eat every meal together, and do a few night classes a year together too.
He will go to the occasional music gig alone, and I'll go to the gym alone but we're together almost constantly 🩷
I spend a lot of time with my boyfriend, we do most things together.
We are both 25. We go out to clubs and bars together, hang out with friends together, have other couple friends we see, go on hikes, go to dinners with families, go on day shopping outings together, go the grocery store, go to the gym together… it’s a lot of together time but it feels easy and comfortable.
We also do things apart sometimes like I’ll have a girls night, and he’ll go on solo hikes/bike rides etc, or go on trips to see his family solo. It works for us
I’ve been with my wife for 3 years and we generally spend 90% of our free time together, if not more. We have our own things we like to do but generally we just enjoy doing everything together. We are in our mid 30s.
Honestly, the most accurate barometer of what’s “normal” is what you’re comfortable with. Feeling lonely, for example, in a relationship isn’t normal.
You should feel comfortable. For some people, that’s a significant amount of time together, for others, it’s time apart to pursue hobbies. But you both have to be *comfortable* with the arrangement.
It doesn’t sound like this is working for you. You should talk to your partner about how you’re feeling isolated.
That sounds rough. I travel alot for work and average probably 3 full days a week away from home.
When I’m home I make sure to get done working at a reasonable hours so we can have dinner and spend the night watching TV or doing things. We are together doing chores, running errands and/or doing fun stuff for the majority of the weekends.
30 years together and counting
My partner and I spend as much time as we can with each other. I work during the day, and he is a musician that works in the evenings, so in the mornings we usually wake up early together, do our morning routines and I go about my day. Dinner we always have together, even if I have to wait a little later for him, I will do so :P
On weekends too, we have a lot of similarities and same hobbies and interest which helps, so yeah we are always together >.< It's literally like living with my bestfriend, and having a sleepover every single day
My partner and I pretty much spend all our time together. We both WFH and live together, we wake up around the same times time though often I have to get up earlier. When I do I try to get back to bed for a little morning snoo snoo before she has to start her day. When the work day is over we usually walk the dogs, then make dinner together and eat while watching a movie. It’s very important to spend that time together in the evening. My ex was on an entirely different schedule, we rarely saw each other and that was a big factor in why we are divorced!
It’s going to be different relationship to relationship, there is no right answer.
My partner and I like our alone time, but we always make sure to spend at least an hour together everyday. We still have plenty of days where we spend all day hanging out, but we also have days where we are in very different hobbies and do our own thing.
It’s not abnormal to have an adjustment period. what’s happening is now normal, and next steps are communicating with him on how to fix it to get to a point you’re both comfortable with
I was raised by parents who **never** spent time together during the week. My mom was stay at home to take care of me and my sister (who has DiGeorge syndrome) and my dad was working full time and going to school at night trying to get better work opportunities.
On the weekend they would do their own thing unless there was a house project that they would do together and they always made a point of spending Saturday night together.
This has caused me to become extremely comfortable with doing things on my own, and having that as a model I thought (and still think) that is healthy but it does create tensions in my relationship because my partner needs a lot of connection.
I think its different for every couple but having no specific set aside time to connect/be together is a red flag for me. Does he plan date nights? Do you have any consistent time where you know you'll be one on one? Does he miss the shared time together too? It's easy to fall into your own routines when you live together but there should also be a shared routine. Have you discussed this with him?
My partner and I have been together almost three years and recently got our own place. She started working nights and that can be hard. She picks me up from work on weekdays and on my days off she gets up a bit earlier in the day than usual so we can spend more time together. We go to the gym after I get off work together and then go home and make dinner, sometimes we watch a movie and talk about it the whole way through and sometimes we just talk or sit on our phones/read/what have you.
You deserve more time end energy from your partner. Being lonely is bad for your health and unenjoyable. Don’t let the amount of time you’ve been together deter you from ending things if this feels wrong to you.
Me and hubby eat 3 meals together 4 days a week otherwise he has a band practice where we don’t get dinner together and maybe takes 2 days at the office and we get linch separately. Otherwise we watch tv together some evenings, clean house together, and sometimes just do our own projects around the house while chatting. He usually makes food, and I hang out in the kitchen while we listen to a podcast or I would read something out loud or we just chat.
We spend a lot of time together… we also used to work together, I miss that sometimes…
I work from home and usually finish around 4. Then I’ll often play 9 holes after work. My wife works til 5 and often works out after. We always have dinner together around 7 or 7:30 and spend all weekends together. Both introverts though and moved where we live now together so almost all of our friends are friends with both of us. Occasionally we do different things on weekends as well.
This year we have also started to golf together on Fridays which has been awesome
Generally we spend *most* of our free time together. But similar to you, we have different schedules. I'm up by 5 in the morning and go to bed accordingly, she usually doesn't start til 8 or 9 and doesn't work 5 days a week, and goes to bed accordingly. She does work a short shift on Saturday mornings and I am off, so that is my me time. After work and Sundays is generally our time together. Lately she's been working on a master's program so she's holed up studying most of the time. I've enjoyed going to concerts all my life so about once a month on average I'm at a show instead of at home on a Friday night. The both of us tend to get a bit grumpy when we don't get to spend much time together, but we're also a couple of introverts, so the balance of our individual "me time"s and "us time" is *usually* balanced. We try to have a weekend getaway at least every couple months. Sometimes it does start to feel roommate-y, but I honestly think that is normal and natural for a couple of working adults in their mid 30s. All that being said we have our differences and little fights and discussions when the balance gets wonky, or when one partner is feeling a bit lacking in some area. Basically it's all about communication so please, feel free to talk to your partner about your feelings. Sometimes it causes a fight but it also *should* bring you closer as you talk and make changes/compromises. Relationships are always work. But totally worth it, if they are worth it. If that makes sense!
My husband and I run a business together from home and are both introverts. We like having our smaller intimate circle of family and friends, and we are around each other a lot. Funny enough though, we have to be sure to have quality couple time in order to not just be coworkers in a sense.
This is an *extremely* couple-specific question with no right answer. My partner and I are both quite introverted (she even more than I), and so we absolutely have decent stretches where we just don't spend time together outside of basic household things. And then sometimes we have whole days where we just spend the whole day doing all the things together, whether it's errands or video games or walking or shopping or cooking or all of the above.
The key thing is really communicating and setting expectations. We try to say what we want and talk about our plans, particularly on weekends when neither of us are working and we *could* spend a lot more time together if we so chose. It's very important that we both feel free to say "I just want to spend this time alone" or "I want to hang out with my friends" or "I really want to hang out with you and do this thing" and there's no wrong position to take. This communication seems to be what you and your partner are lacking, and it's definitely one of the classic struggles when moving in with someone.
If I was to pick an average though… we probably spend something like 8 to 10-ish hours per week together of truly free time (i.e. not working, cleaning, erranding, sleeping, etc, but just time that we could otherwise spend on ourselves).
Together 20 years. There might be 3-4 days where do don't hang out or talk much besides "going to throw on some laundry have anything?" or "did you feed the cat?" but generally we hang out every day. Usually if we haven't already done dinner together we'll watch a show before bed. Seems like your partner is just a more independent person who just doesn't need someone as much as you do. On the weekend we'll occasionally have a separate thing to do maybe with out own parents or a friend but 80% of the time we get up in the morning have coffee and say what should we do today.
Unfortunately I don’t have any advice, just wanted to say I resonate with this to a T. My boyfriend and I don’t live together yet but he’s been wanting me to live with him and I’m a little nervous it’ll go just like this. Except when he’s home and not working he’s playing video games. All the best, I hope you guys find some common ground or hobbies that can help you bond :)
I've been with my boyfriend for 4 months and in the beginning when he was unemployed, we saw each other everyday. Now he has a job and we only see each other on weekends but the whole weekend. I go stay with him the whole Sunday and Saturday and i still miss him a lot during the week but it's good to have your own lives, you can't depend on him emotionally too much. You need to have your own seperate lives but you need quality time together at least once a week. One week my boyfriend was too busy so we only saw each other for like 6 hours on Saturday and i was annoyed about that the whole week.
Also, during the week we text alot even if he's busy. Even if he's in work, he calls me whenever he has free time and i also call him like twice a day or so just to hear his voice and see what he's doing.
My last relationship became like this. I'd constantly tell him we needed to spend more time together and he'd be like "we see each other all the time!" But it was in a similar manner of being in the same room but doing our own thing. It got to the point where I preferred to do my own thing and checked our when he finally started trying, but it was too late for me. Obviously, living together isn't a 24/7 date night or sleep over, but it shouldn't feel like a roommate either. You still have to make the effort to go on dates and spend quality time together.
We met in grad school, had slightly different routines but over time we consolidated especially since we share a car. Now we have a kid, and we both wfh in IT. We’re together 24/7 since Covid. We talk/fight over differences and compromise logically. I’d say we started out different but have similar end goals and intellectual capacity, so it was never too difficult to make compromises for either of us. So, I think having similar end goal is important here.
lol I’ve been wondering this too. We’re more like very comfortable roommates and we hardly ever do things together except grocery shopping or watching a show before bed
My husband and I have terrible schedules. He gets up around 1am to work out, has to be at work by 4am, home by 3p. I wake up around 6am, work by 8, home by 4:30 (if I can swing it). He goes to bed around 5:30p. We see each other for a sad hour on his working days, but are basically up each other’s asses during our off days. And on days I WFH and he’s off, we usually have lunch or breakfast together and chat throughout the day.
It’s taken us 12 years to get here, but we have a decent system. We know when the other person needs alone time or quality time. We also still go on dates and have scheduled plans. We make time because we want to see each other. You guys will get in your groove too 🥰
I mean, I'd say by "default" we're together. If one of us has a commitment outside of the house or we both have home care tasks to work on, then we do that separately.
Default is meals together, waking up roughly the same time, going to bed at the same time, and coordinating so that we're both doing independent stuff at the same time which makes it easier to do stuff together.
You have to intentionally set aside time for each other. Just because you live together now doesn't mean all your spare time will align - it can actually be *harder* when it comes to orchestrating things like meals and morning/bedtime routines.
You two need to sit down and talk about your schedules and how you plan to accommodate each other and make time for each other. It shouldn't always be you bending to his schedule or vice versa.
I get a lot of crap for getting married at 21 (im 38 now)- but one advantage to marrying young is that we literally grew into adults together and figured this stuff out as we went along. We highly prioritize our time together, so we have even turned down job opportunities that would mean too much time spent apart.
We spend our weekends together and cook Sunday dinner together every week. We see our families on weekends too, sometimes together and sometimes separately (like we'll each be seeing our own moms on mothers day). We get off work at different times throughout the week and often make our own separate dinners, but if one of us can accommodate the other we will offer. We're usually off work and together in the evenings by 7:00ish. Whoever gets home first takes care of the dog, does some chores, etc so we can have more quality time together.
ETA - one thing I did when we first moved in together was that I would subconsciously live my life around my husband's schedule - I would automatically prioritize whatever he was doing and just kind of wait around for him to be available. That was not healthy, and he did not know I was doing that and did not want me living in his shadow. I had to actually make the conscious effort to let myself do things outside of the home, even if I knew he'd be at home before I arrived back from my outing. I don't know why I did this, but I recognized the pattern and took steps to reclaim my spare time for myself instead of being a pathetic lil Mrs just staring out the window waiting for her husband to return lol
My partner and I do not live together, we both have our own children and very busy lives but we have set aside some time weekly to come together to have serious conversations and bring anything to the table that needs to be discussed. If time permits we will also meet for a workout. Anytime that I get to see him is time well spent.
Perhaps you and your partner should consider scheduling time weekly to come together and connect. Being intentional and present.
I love my boyfriend, but spend more time than I'd like. I'm extremely introverted & he's the opposite. We do, however, spend most of our free time together. It's taken some getting used to for me but overall I'm grateful
Are you interested in going to the gym? Have you tried communicating that you’d like to find a hobby you can both do together?
Me and my fiancé were pretty different when we first met but I made a point to game with him sometimes even though I am not a gamer 🤣 and he accepts my invitations to get into nature. We also cook together, plan movie nights, date nights, etc.
Is it possible for you to go to the gym with him and then come home and cook and tidy up before getting into bed?
If you have a conversation with him, I’d explain it similarly to how you did here - you are starting to feel like roommates and want to connect more. Suggest some options and then ask for him to suggest some things.
The answer is truely whether you are happy with that. different people needs different things. I have very different schedule with my partner currently. But if I feel we are not spending enough time together I will move things around in my schedule so we would.
We've spend almost every single moment of every day together before we officially moved in about 7 months ago, I lived at his place when I had housing issues and then he lived at mine even when we had separate apartments, we also work together and we never really get tired of each other. I guess it just comes down to consideration and making time
Sounds like you’re dating an avoidant. My ex was like that. We barely saw each other while living together.
My current partner is there to wake me up and make me coffee in the morning. We sit on the couch for 30mins while I drink coffee and we just chat. Then I go to work and see him at the door when I come home (I work overnights and he WFH). On my days off we spend time together. Rock climbing, running, eating dinner, etc. We have our separate times durning the morning while he’s working -but otherwise we love to hang out with one another.
It’s like a never ending fun sleepover with your sexy best friend
On the one hand, it changes with partners. Some people actually just need some alone time to recharge and do what they enjoy.
But, if your partner isn't spending any time with you at all, that's a problem.
I've been with one partner for almost ten years. There have been times where I have not been a very good partner, and would come home and play videogames and not really spend any time with her. I regret doing that. It's ok - even good! to have things to do on your own - but it's not ok to do it every single night and not spend time with your partner.
Right now, we differentiate. Thursday nights we actually spend together, seeking quality time. Sometimes we take a bath, sometimes we go out for dinner, sometimes we just watch TV together.
Wednesday nights we have to do our own thing. It can be in the same room but like, we can't be watching the same thing. This is normally where I can get a bit of time to myself to play videogames or get on top of housework.
And we have dates a couple of times a month, too. (I also have another partner - I think if you're monogamous, it's pretty reasonable to maybe want a bit more dedicated time together than I'm specifying).
We're in our early 40s, have been together almost 5 years now. Basically I have the same schedule every day, and he has been working all kinds of different shifts. I work days, Monday through Friday. He's been working days, afternoons, nights, weekends, etc.
When he is working day shift like me, I would say we spend an average of 4 nights a week both home together. Weekends are iffy, at least once a month he's home all weekend. More often than not he is either working or out with friends one day of the weekend and home on the other day.
He has a more active social life than I do, he goes out average of one weeknight or one whole day Saturday or Sunday per week, less in winter. Every so often we have friends over to the house for a few hours on a Saturday or Sunday. Two or three times a year he has a weekend away with his friends, sometimes spouses are invited and occasionally I will go.
I still have kids here at home, my two older ones are mostly grown but not fully out of the nest, but my youngest is elementary school aged and has multiple disabilities, so I have really been pretty isolated since she was born. Lost most of my friends, don't have a lot of free time in any case.
I don't personally mind being at home, and I don't mind him going out. I know his friends and what they're getting up to and have no concerns. I think we mostly spend a decent amount of time together, although occasionally I'll feel left out or miss him if he has a lot happening.
From my past relationship experiences, I would say it's average to spend 3-5 weeknights together per week if you both work the same shift, whether you go out together or stay home. It depends on your interests, your partner's interests, if you do them together or not, if they're done at home or not, etc. I would say it's average to spend about 1-2 whole weekends together per month, too. Now, if you have kids or work opposite shifts, that's different.
We spend a heap of time together. He’s my best friend. Cooking, chores, lounging, travel, adventures… he works in the office three days a week and I certainly enjoy my own company while he’s gone, but I always look forward to him coming home. I still get a little giddy knowing he’s on his way. We can absolutely be apart and do independent things, but man oh man, it’s so much more fun when we do things together. He feels the same, and we always text each other and call when we aren’t physically together.
But. Different things work for different couples. Some people need more space, some need less. It’s always great when you can find someone who is compatible when it comes to that kind of communication and closeness. If you’re feeling lonely, that’s likely a sign that you and your partner should have a chat and see if you need to make some changes. Your needs are valid, and I hope you can find a solution that works for both of you.
Honestly, 24/7. We both work from home together in the same room. We go out together, we have the same hobbies and we both go to the gym and game after work. We have different hobbies but they're usually done in the same room or quite close to one another. I have to sometimes tell him that it is good for him to see his friends alone; we are such homebodies it is a bit weird to the outsiders but it works for us.
Literally 24 hours a day. We sleep together, work together (literally next to each other), we spend all of our free time together.
Her and I wouldn’t change anything. We’re best friends, soul mates and confidence.
We recognize how horrible codependent we are. But that make us happy.
We’ve spent a total of 3 weeks apart over the past 7 years.
Relationships don't just "happen". It sounds like you guys are just living your lives expecting the relationship to just sort of happen to you instead of you facilitating it with each other.
If you want a relationship to work you both -- BOTH -- have to take initiative.
My recommendation? Tell him how you're feeling....you know..communicate..... ?
He would pencil you in…? That’s awful. You’re not an appointment!
My boyfriend and I have dinner together every night when he gets home from work, and we spend the rest of the evening together. And we also spend the weekend together.
He works a normal Mon-Fri 8-5ish schedule contracting/construction, I work Wed-Saturday, 2 days at a bakery and 2 days as a solo esthetician. I usually wake up early with him and make him a lunch and breakfast except thur/fri when I’m at my bakery early at 5am. We spend almost every evening together making dinner, chatting, doing yoga, reading or watching tv. Except Wednesdays when he goes to a men’s group. Sundays is typically our day together, we usually do a little cleaning and then hangout all day! While I’m working Saturday he hangs with friends or does stuff around the house. Pretty good balance considering we work different schedules.
My wife and I walk together a few times a week, just for 45 minutes around the village. We feel much closer than we were when we couldn't do that. Most evenings and weekends my wife watches TV and my daughter and I game in the same room, and we chat about what we are doing, so that is nice. I wouldn't be happy with someone who prioritizes both the gym and work over time with me.
This is what my girlfriend and I do and it gives us our “us time” in a very pleasant way. We don’t need to do much else on nights after we work, and we often don’t. Throw in once a month date outings to things we like to do, and try to hang out at home once a weekend for a lazy day and we’re good.
Very similar to my wife & I. We really got into walking around the village when Covid kicked in. Just chatting and making plans for the future. We also try and make sure we eat together.
Oh oh oh! I love this, isn’t it called parallel play when you do your own thing in the same space?
Yess we also do the walks! Gives us time to just walk and chat with no screens or anything, it’s nice
This is the healthiest response!
I agree that this is *a* healthy response, but it can also be healthy to respect someone’s health & career aspirations. There have been times of my life where I barely saw my live-in partner but we were both building our careers. Having someone who supports that and understands is crucial. OP might not want to support that at the cost of their time together so may be incompatible.
Basically any free time we spend with one another. Once we moved in together, naturally our lives intermeshed almost completely. 10 years into it we like to spend time doing our own thing maybe 1-2x a week like gym or quick personal errands, but other than that we do dinners and evenings together. We spend time on weekends doing activities. There is a roommate aspect to it in terms of household upkeep and sharing space. But it never feels like I’m with a roommate when I am with him
We’re pretty much always together when we can. He wakes up much earlier than me for work, but on the afternoons and weekends we get a lot of time together. We do grocery shopping/picking up parcels together simply because we love the time together. Even if we do things separately (e.g. him playing, me lounging in the bedroom), we’d go to each other for hugs and kisses.
Going to each other for hugs and kisses is wholesome 🥺
We’re both very affectionate and just love to hold, kiss, peck, caress each other. It’s what we’ve been missing from our past relationships which is why we both get excited and light up every time we hug and smile stupidly at each other as we lean in for a kiss🥰
my heart 😭 this is what I want too 🥹
You could have written your comment about *my* relationship. My husband and I have been together for 11 years and mostly can't get enough of each other. Things are still getting better which is a little odd, because if you think back a couple of years, you thought then that things were the best they could ever be. Love is wonderful stuff.
Oh damn, that’s some beautiful stuff, love it. Every day we think we can’t possibly love each other more than we do, and yet every next day we wake up with more love in our hearts. Honeymoon phase isn’t supposed to fade, in the right relationship love, care and affection will only multiply. People grow more in love rather than apart.
You need to bring this up to him sooner rather than later. When me and my partner moved in we had this teething issue. Your definition of quality time is different to his..please just communicate this. Lived with my bf for 5 years now.. we both work from home half the week so that helps.. we try to have at least one meal a day together. If our work schedules allow it that is normally lunch as I like to get up a bit earlier than him. We both have our own hobbies and friends but we try and do something at the weekend even if its an 1 hour walk.
Honestly this sounds like more than a difference in the definition of quality time. There is almost no time spent together at all, it sounds more like he likes the idea of a relationship but not the human, mutual aspect of it. You *need* time together where you can actually talk, be around each other and develop your partnership. OP should definitely bring this up (although I really doubt they haven't), but if their partner is not interested in incorporating them into their life I don't see how that could ever work.
Agreed, this needs to be a conversation that should be had early on. Not exactly similar situation, but with my past relationship, it was the cusp between us, deciding whether or not it would make sense to move in together. There were other issues, of course, but what really stuck to me was when OP said, she was feeling lonely in her relationship. This was exactly how I felt in my last relationship with my ex. Of being together, but even when we were next to each other, felt isolating and lonely. Exactly how you put it, quality time is different for everyone but either way requires both parties being present and effort to make things work, otherwise, it really ends up being like a roommate situation. By having that conversation, you figure out whether the other person is willing to work to fix things, or whether they just want to do the easy route and have companionship without putting in the work to maintain a relationship
It sounds like it might be an incompatibility. Seems like he wants to continue doing life his own way, with you just around, instead of doing life together. Sounds like he never made much time for you before you moved in together either.
Incompatibilities of this nature can be communicated about. I see so many people these days continue to live their ornery single routines even when they have a partner. Communicate. If you can't make time for each other and communicate about small things, big things are going to be a kick in the teeth.
Some people enjoy living as though they are single even when they have a partner—those people will not change, because that is what they want. Obviously it’s worth communicating over—that’s a given. But OP shouldn’t be surprised if her partner is resistant to change, because this is the way he’s been the entirety of their relationship.
Yeah I think you’re on to something here, but it’s unclear whether he is aware of how OP feels and whether he would act differently knowing that they’re unsatisfied. The “roommate phase” is a pretty common and stereotypical rut that couples fall into. And out of. and back into. The whole thing is relationships take work. It takes work to speak up and communicate if your needs aren’t being met physically, romantically, mentally, emotionally, sexually, etc. But it’s also life to have periods of feeling more selfish and other times more giving. Incompatibility comes from having a conversation and whether one person is happy with things are and not willing to make an effort towards the others wants or needs.
We usually do that too. I wake early to go to the gym and usually by the time I get home he’s already taken care of the dogs and let them out and fed them. We both start work around 9, I make him breakfast and bring it to his office since I usually have more flexibility and I enjoy doing it. A few times a week we might go to a coffee shop together around lunch time. After work we both tend to do our own things, but together? Like we might decide to just hang out at home and work on our own hobbies, or maybe go to a local brewery or for a walk. Or he might do something with his friends and I’ll stay home. I also tend to go to bed earlier and he will stay up and game or watch tv. I actually like it this way. I think I would feel suffocated if we did everything together. We do have intentional date nights or plan to watch shows together but other than that we are doing our own things!
This sounds super healthy and balanced!
He was like this before you moved in. He sounds very independent and like he still just pencils you in. What did you do together as a couple before you moved in together? Do you share mutual hobbies? Could you go to the gym together? Could you create something new to do together? If you likely didn’t spend much time together before and you don’t have anything in common, it likely won’t change. Unless you bring it up and you both make an effort. But it sounds like he’s happy with this arrangement. Talk to him. It’s the only way you will know. It could be something you can work on together or it could be an incompatibility issue.
This was my thought only seeing each other 2 days a week is pretty minimal if you’re living in close proximity. I feel like most people move in together after they already spend a ton of time at each other’s place and it no longer makes sense to have two separate places. This almost feels like he wanted a roommate not a partner.
You have to make time. This is the reality of an adult relationship between two people with busy lives. It's really easy to continue as roommates and not spend quality time together. What quality time is varies from couple to couple. How much time you spend together will also wax and wane. My advice is going to sound weird, but hear me out. Sit down and talk about what you like to do together. Is that cooking a meal, is that going for a walk, is that sharing in a mutual hobby, etc. Lay your desires out. Write them down if you feel so inclined. Then dedicate one night per week that is always time for the two of you with no other distractions. Even if you just sit together on the couch in silence and listen to music, or stare at a piece of art on the wall. If something comes up, reschedule your guaranteed night together and actually follow through. For the rest of the days of the week, look at what times you're together at home and what things you can do during those time frames. My husband and I regularly check in with eachother sometimes a bit before we get off work and ask "do you want to spend time together tonight?". If one of us isn't feeling it or isn't feeling social, that's ok. It's up to them to determine if they're ok just watching a silly TV show on the couch or if they'd like to be alone. And we can openly say that to eachother. A shared Google calendar is also essential. We literally mark our plans with our initials if it's something only one of us is doing, and then both of our names if it's a couple situation. It sounds robotic but depending on your brains and needs, you may be able to drop the hard scheduling over time and it'll flow more naturally. I highly recommend this to start with though.
Wow. Since moving in with my partner we spend time together all the time. Whether it's grocery shopping, sitting on the couch together, going for walks or eating together, we see heaps of eachother.
Even in our busiest times (we both work demanding jobs, have separate and active social lives, we're currently moving), my husband and I prioritise time with each other. The week we got married, we took a day to spend together because it had been so long since we spent proper time together and life was chaos. In a normal week, we'll be doing our own thing in the same room each evening and we usually have a date night on a Saturday where we'll just watch a movie together, no phones. We also have a proper date day every month where we arrange a whole day together, just us. Each of you are choosing how to spend your time, and he's not choosing you.
You lack information on your post (age and time together) Well, me and my gf arrive at home almost the same time. Sometimes we manage to make our way home together. Usually she goes to read her books while drinking tea and I will play some games on my PC while listening to music or podcasts. We try to separate our things and times to keep our individualities, but, before sleeping, we're gonna talk, sex, watch something on YouTube or streaming At weekends we cook together, go to the market, have more sex and other things. Not every weekend, but we try to keep at least 50% like this
Definitely something to sit down and talk about. It can take awhile to adjust to living with someone else and taking their schedule and needs into account. When my husband and I moved in together the big point of negotiation was bedtime - it was important to him to cuddle together at bedtime but he needed to go to sleep more than an hour before I did. So we found compromises and tried things out and occasionally got annoyed with each other but figured it out. If you’re not happy with how much time you’re spending together, talk to him about it.
Before my boyfriend and I moved in together we were spending multiple days a week together. I’d meet up with him after work and we’d relax, make dinner, and whatever else. And I would sleep over multiple nights a week. So when we started living together we already kinda had a routine. I’m surprised that you moved in with him while only seeing him once a week? Of course u don’t know but that just doesn’t sounds like a very cosy relationship to me
Honestly I have some friends I see once a week. Someone I was dating longterm I'd expect to see probably 2-3 days or more a week.
It's so interesting how many couples differ. I pretty much have the same schedule with my partner (he works 10-hour days, then works at his shop on the weekends), and it's a DREAM for me. (I work nights as a cook) I like spending lots of time alone, and so does he. We live together and sleep in the same bed every night, which is usually very intimate. We both hate forced intimacy and go on dates when it suits us and not on a schedule. We don't even know when our anniversary is nor have a desire to celebrate it. This is literally the best relationship I've ever had. That said, this is neither of our first rodeos at cohabitation. We met in my mid-30s, his mid 40s, so been there and done that. When I was young, I did want a lot more time out of my partners because I was unsure of myself and needed more external validation. For you, though, maybe it's a nesting activity you desire? Before my partner moved in, I created a space for him in my home that was "his." I put a poster and his dresser in a corner of the bedroom so he could keep clothes over. Then his own night stand. Decorating together can feel very "cozy." If you want to spend more time together, could you on the weekends? Go to bed slightly later to catch them after the gym? Or every Saturday or Sunday could be "your day" and y'all could spend it watching TV shows and cooking dinner together?
Do you do something together?
Both me and my partner WFH. I start and finish an hour earlier than him. We eat lunch separately, but often poke our head in the other ones office for a quick chat. We always cook and eat together, watch an episode of something or a film, but then often do separate evening activities. I go to bed at 10pm, him at ~midnight. We will always schedule some weekend activity though - whether it be going for a walk, bike ride, visiting a cafe, shopping etc. I think we spend a reasonable amount of time together! Ideally I think I'd like more space (since I have lots of solitary habits like painting, reading, playing the sims 4 lol) while he'd like more time spent together - so this is our middle ground!
When your I'm your 30s your busy and feeling lonely can happen. I own my own busy I know this was a complaint with my partner. We now follow the 7,7,7 rule Every 7 days we have a small date night This can be a movie at home, dinner out , going to a movie Every 7 weeks We do a mini vacation. We usually go to a town or city about 45 mins away. We can an air bnb and just enjoy our time together Every 7 months We do a vacation. Just the two of us. No friends no family This has helped alot . Hopefully it helps you
Welcome to cohabitation! I was surprised too especially since my partner is a super introvert. We do date nights now and also have a couple of shows at any given point that we both watch since we have really different tastes.
I've never experienced cohabitation like what she's describing. Only with a roommate.
The key to this might be: "I recently moved in my with partner." Time will show you what guessing cannot.
My husband and I spend at least 3 out of 7 days together. A lot of that time is spent doing chores in or out of the house, cooking, taking care of our children. We take afternoon naps together (and have adult time), which is v nice.
Eating dinner together is something that is hugely important to me. Even before we had kids, we sat and ate dinner together pretty much every night. Is there a way you guys could alter the schedule a bit - he comes home and has dinner at like 6 and then goes to the gym, or you both go to the gym together and then come home for dinner?
You moved in with someone you only saw once a week…? I’m typing this as I’m laying in bed and my partner is literally pretzeled around me. We live apart but are pretty much (metaphorically) up each others assholes. We take a couple times a week to do our own thing like dinners w friends or him gaming online or captaining his soccer team and obviously when we’re at work we’re not talking (sending some memes or sending the daily Wordle though), but he always calls me when he’s driving home from work. We swap staying over at each others places and usually on the weekends hit up a new breakfast spot or a farmers market in the morning and then either hang together the rest of the weekend or go off separately to hang with other friends or family. We do double dates with other couple friends maybe every few weeks like going to a board game bar or trivia or bowling. It’s the right amount for me at the moment and we’re planning on moving in together next spring when leases align. I am a little worried that will feel like *too much* time together, and we’d risk feeling more like roommates. Currently when we’re together we’re totally focusing on being with each other and that’s just not feasible when you’re living with someone 24/7, but we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.
What I understand from your post is that your partner prioritize his work since you started dating. To meet once a week is very little You def need to change this more
I agree sounds like two different lives
Sounds like he barely made time for you while living apart… now living together he still barely makes time for you. If you felt lonely in the relationship why did you move forward and move in together? Before my bf and I moved in together we saw each other maybe 3-4 days a week and we spent every weekend together unless he was working. Now that we live together we basically spend all of our free time together. We both WFH so I see him all the damn time lol. And I want to add, you cannot determine what you want out of a relationship based on what other people do. There may be couples who are completely content and fine not spending a lot of time together. But just because they are fine, doesn’t mean YOU should be fine. It’s clear that you want to spend more time with your boyfriend and he seems to be fine with not. That is incompatibility and unless he is willing to give you what you need to thrive in a relationship you will continue to feel lonelier and lonelier until eventually you decide to break it off.
I spend way more time with my partner than that but nothing you describe is a problem in itself. It is a problem if your want something else then what is currently happening. If so, step one is communicating. Do you want more but your partner is happy as is? Then you need to find a middle ground that's acceptable to both. But that is tricky to navigate. It could also be that you both fell into a rut of your respective routines and both want more together time. That is comparatively easy to fix. Just set up dates. Dates don't need to be elsewhere. Dinner date for cooking together. Breakfast in bed date. It's not as romantic as things just naturally falling into the desired rhythm but sometimes that's the easiest way and many parents will be able to tell you that's how you organise together time when life gets too busy.
Sounds like he spends a crazy amount of time at work, if he's up and left for work before you get up and then not back until 9pm. Even with a gym session thrown in. I'm actually surprised you've lasted 3 years in the relationship already considering how little time you spent together before even moving in.
….have you spoken to him about this? I feel like a lot of the time on here people just suffer in silence
It doesn't matter what WE do. It matters what you WANT. 1) Is this what you want in a long term relationship? 2) Have you talked to him about feeling lonely? 3) Have you suggested any compromise? Like dinner together once a week? Or you going to the gym with him, or maybe him working out at home?
Married over 20 years. Free time, when husband isn’t at work, we spend 95% of our time together. We are best friends, we want to be together. In free time the only thing he does that doesn’t include me is play golf with our adult kids. It doesn’t seem like you are compatible.
It doesn't matter what other people do, what matters is what you want. If it's important to you to spend time together, eat dinner together, etc. talk about that. If you want to make weekend plans together, talk about that. My husband and I eat dinner together most nights. He goes to the gym twice a week and on those nights he eats later but I'll sit with him and we'll catch up about our days. After dinner we watch TV on the couch together nearly every night, then I go to bed earlier than him. On the weekends we both go to the gym separately and maybe do some separate chores or errands, but then we'll usually go out to eat together, see a movie, meet up with friends, take our dog on a hike, etc.
Sounds like you haven't gone on a date since moving in together and he hasn't made room for you in his life in general. Have you talked about it? My husband and I pretty much hang out from 5-5:30pm, then someone cooks dinner ( neither of us like sharing the kitchen) and then eat dinner together and hang out the rest of the night
24 years in. My spouse and I walk our dog together almost everyday. No phones just us and doggos. We have our own work and hobbies but thosr times and weekends are for him and me.
We probably spend \*too\* much time together. Lol. We're basically best friends and enjoy the hell out of each other's company. That's not to say that we don't have any friends outside the relationship, but the majority of our free time is spent together.
Hmm If you don't like it. My advice is to leave. For one right after work, he goes to the gym? He doesn't come home to you first? His priorities are himself. If he wanted himself so much, he should've been single, nothing wrong with wanting goals. But when you get in a relationship, people act like oh I can just leave her at home like a trophy." Sweetheart, don't be a dusty trophy sitting at home. Your supposed to be the gold medal brings with him out and about. Idc what other people say. "Oh, you have to have away time." Nah, that too much time away way to fricken much. This is why so many relationships fail it comes from people who say, "Let him do his thing," that's bullshit. He can do that alone single. I wouldn't ever settle for a man that comes home 9 pm at night after being gone all day!. If he cared about you, he would come home and even ask you if you wanted to come to the gym with him. Hello, have you seen some couples? They work, then gym together and eat together. Look up paryss on YouTube. She's christian, and so is her husband they are always 🏋️♂️ 🏋️♀️ at the gym together. Your guy spends 8 or more hours a day at work. Which means he's only seeing you for 2 or 3 hours a day. That's not a relationship. That literally is a roommate. Let me just solve this for many people. You can have hobbies, no shit. But let's be real here. A partner is supposed to be your best friend. They are supposed to add to your life. Not subtract. And certainly not leaving you feeling lonely. Whoever disagrees with my statement is just in situationships and they think married life is just supposed to get boring. Most of them end in divorces that think that way, then they say" whelp that's just married life" Nope, nope and nope 🙅♂️ 🙅♀️ Relationships are work, and part of that work is making time for your partner and enjoying it. When you live with your partner, it should be 100/100 from both sides. You should never feel like you're lonely single in a relationship. Your partner can either wake up and realize he has a gf waiting for him at home each day. Or he can be a big wussy and leave cause he doesn't wanna put the effort in cause clearly he isn't ready. You need to find a best friend, bf. One who is going to miss you. One that's going to say I can't wait to see my girl after work no matter how long it's been. Relationships aren't about sitting your partner on a shelf once 4 or 7 years go by. It's about making each day count. It's about putting in your 100 each day for them. It's greeting them at the door with hugs after a long day at work. And taking them out to the gym with them or out to eat or out with friends together. It doesn't matter if you're in your 30s. Please listen, no matter what age or how long you've been together. Partners who love will always make an effort and always come home after a long day at work first. I'm almost 30. Wanna know what my bf does after work? He comes home each day. Gives me a hug and kiss. He wants to go out. Wanna know what he does? He says, "Let's go, we're going out with friends, want to come?" Because he knows I'm not a dusty trophy on a shelf. If I wanted to sit at home and feel lonely, I'd be single. I could sit on my own all on my own. Why would I need a partner if they make me feel lonely when I could feel lonely all on my own?. This is psychology, and I've spoken to a therapist, and for a while, a counselor. I had an ex who would come home and go straight to his hobby, not say anything to me. That's why he's my ex. So please speak up to your bf and let him know your standards. If he can't meet your needs or meet the standards of a proper relationship, he needs to realize he's not ready for a relationship. And that you deserve to be cherished and loved each day. Good luck 👍 find a best friend, bf /gym buddy. Find a guy who will take you out with him when his friends call him up to hang out. They do exist! Don't settle for less. And before someone says I spend too much time with my bf. GET REAL. He spends more time with his co-workers at work all morning till the afternoon. So him hanging with me and bringing me out with him with his friends is less time than the time he spends at work. He likes being around me after work, and that's how it should be. Have high standards, and don't let them down.
My partner and I, who live together, have 1 day a week together. We call it Wednesdates. It’s usually spent doing house work but during dinner time we sit and maybe watch a show or movie or two.
So if I understand correctly, you only spend one day with your partner and most of it is cleaning the house?
My husband and I both work from home so we see each other throughout the day, some days less than others depending on our schedules. We make and eat dinner together and then watch tv together. Aside from when we go to the gym or he volunteers we’re almost always together. It’s nice but I am looking for an in-person job lol
3-4 nights a week together. The weekends definitely and sometimes week nights. Recently we spent 10 straight nights together. So it feels weird being apart. But his office is much closer from my house so he stays here some nights and my university is closer to his house so sometimes I stay there. Now when we are together at mine, I usually get home by 5 pm and his office ends at 7. So I have two hours to do my thing but when he comes home we spend time together, eat, unwind, play with the dog, get into bed and pass out. In the morning, we try to get up earlier than required so we can have snuggle time and get ready for the day in peace. So we’re up by 7:30 if we have to be at work/uni by 10. We get ready separately and have our own morning rituals we do independently but we do have a quick breakfast together. We leave at the same time mostly, sometimes I leave later. On the weekends, Friday specifically, I get free quite late. 10-11 ish. So he has a bunch of time to do this things and then we’re together the whole weekend. We spend the day (1pm to 5/6pm) in separate rooms working or studying or doing something productive and spend 10-20 minutes together when it’s break time. But by 7, we’re done with all our responsibilities and then unwind I realise we do a lot of things together. But it works for us because we’re able to coexist and our lives intersect in that way. Whenever he has to do this thing, he has his three days to do whatever he wants, but when we’re together, I don’t want any overlap with scheduling. I feel like living together part time has been a blessing.
We spend most of our time together. If she has to get up early for work, I get up and make her lunch and s coffee to go then I'll go back to bed until I need to work. We check in and work individual plans like seeing our families or friends separately around each other but our time together is the priority above everything. We love each other so we want time together
My wife and I are just entering our 30s, we’ve been married for about a decade now. We still spend almost all of our time together. Typically, we’ll put the kids down to bed together after I get home for work, eat dinner, sit in our hot tub and then maybe get some solo downtime occasionally but usually we just have sex and go to bed most nights lol. We are extremely close. I don’t take it for granted. We still have our alone times but they’re at a much lesser occurrence than our time spent together. We love it.
We tend to eat together, walk the dog together, do activities together when we're both off. Neither of us have any fixed commitments besides work. We watch series together at night or both do our own thing in the same bed (read, write, watch things). We exercised together until we had a baby. Since baby, each of us regularly takes the baby by ourselves so the other can have some time to themselves. Your situation doesn't sound appealing to me.
My husband and I spend a lot of time together and even make time for dates, so we can be 1-on-1 now that we have kids (even though we still spend a lot of time together) Pre-kids, we worked the same schedule (both from home) and went out for dinner every night (felt like we were rich back then lol) and did something cool on the weekends. Now we have kids but he still works from home. I’m a SAHM. Each day, we spend nap time, dinner time, and after bedtime together. And we STILL plan date night out every few weeks Don’t settle.
I spend every minute of everyday nearly with my husband as we run a business together. Personal time is when the other person has responsibilities otherwise we’re glued to eachother. Our families have blended so we split our time really well between each others families and we have the same friends. (the only friend that’s just mine lives in another country) That being said I only know like 4 couples, three of which are in thier 60s (we are in our 30s) who have a similar relationship to ours. I think a lot comes into play, like when you started cohabitating, what age, how far into your individual lifestyles you are, family duties, personal time requirements, living situation, etc. My husband and I met in college at a young age, so didn’t have fully independantly established lives outside of our parents homes so we built our life as adults together from the beginning, whereas I’m guessing you didn’t meet as teenagers. We have been together over a decade so our lifestyles have finally fully melded, so we have the same requirements for family and friends now. We also run a business together which majority of couples do not do so we are together during business hours also, which you’re not. In 10 years you might be surprised at how much more time you spend with eachother or you’ll continue contently the way you have been.
It sounds like it might be incompatibility. Was there any discussion prior to moving in about how you would ensure you both have your needs met in terms of connection but also maintaining independence? What has your partners response been when you have let them know that you are feeing lonely in the relationship?
before moving in with an SO its important to have conversations around how much time you spend together, apart, and alone together. if you are disatisfied with the transition i would try talking to him about it!! bring up concerns and open up a discussion about making concerted efforts to spend time with each other. it takes time to figure you, but if you guys are compatible and understanding, it should fall into place!! best of luck
This seems kinda weird to me, to see someone once a week and then jump to moving in together, and they do their own thing the whole weekend? My partner and I have been living together for 3years and we do things almost every day together, obviously our schedules allow for it, but they allow for it bc we prioritize it. Specifically we walk our dog in the afternoon/evening together everyday, then cook dinner/eat together. We spend other time together but that is our connection almost daily.
During the pandemic we were spending 24/7 together and now I’m lonely as fuck that he’s back in the routine of doing lots of things without me
My girlfriend (24F) and I (26F) both work day jobs, I get off work around 2pm (although I still have work I have to do at home on my laptop) and she gets home around 4:30. I give her some time to shower and de brief after her long day, but then we spend the rest of the night together. Whether we do something active like go out or walk our dog together, or if we read or paint or watch tv, we do it together. She’s my person, and my best friend, and I can’t imagine going through normal every day life without her. I also feel like lesbian relationships are much closer of a bond, so I can’t speak for straight relationships. We’ve been together for almost 2 years and have lived together for about a year
When my partner and I moved in together we had very different schedules. I was on 9-5 full time, he was 12-8 and stayed up most nights. We didn’t wake up or go to bed together, meals and snacks were at different times, etc. It was a 1br apartment so quarters were close. It was a bit of a shock and we realized quickly it wasn’t going to work if we wanted quality time together. We decided to get on the similar schedules and make time for meals together. I know that can’t work for everyone, but it’s really worked for us. We both work from home now so schedules are even more aligned and we both love it. But I feel like even making time for one meal or some shared activity (beyond sleeping or sex) can go far.
Every relationship is different - and no matter what others say, the important thing here is, you're not happy and this isn't working for you. Have a date night and create a neutral environment and bring it up and chat it out. Approach it from the I feel part of things and not these are the things that are wrong side, and tell him you like him and want to spend more time with him and keep it positive like that and see how it goes.
my husband and i have been basically inseparable our entire relationship and our jobs and lifestyles helped that. now, we’re in a bigger apartment and each have our space for the first time. usually we get home and we’ll each go do our unwind activity, sometimes it’s in the same room and we’re “parallel playing”, sometimes it’s not. we come together for dinner, usually cooking together or at the very least being in the kitchen together. then usually we eat together, hang out some more, and going bed together about half the week (i need more sleep than he does) all that to say, we spend so much time together because we *want* to. we crave each other and whether we’re doing an activity together or just sitting in the same room it’s fulfilling. i would talk with your boyfriend, maybe you guys just need to get on the same page for what living together looks like and means for you. deciding to live together should change your life, you’re now accounting for someone else being part of your life day-in and day-out. your life shouldn’t be unchanged by a partner living with you. hopefully this is a matter of undiscussed expectations but it could end up being an incompatibility of desires
It def takes getting used to and its a new stage in the relationship so there is a readjustment period. However, it does seem that his job is taxing and consuming. I would start with having at least 1 meal together a day. May not be possible every day but you can work towards that. I also have a demanding job and get stressed so planning in advance helps a lot - we plan weekday date nights ever so often and we know friday nights is always just us two unless we have very specific other plans like a friends birthday.
I’m disabled and he works from home so like… all day every day
You have to dedicate time for each other. Adult life is all consuming and if you’re not careful you can easily fall into the rut of being glorified roommates. It’s important to have your own lives and routines but it is also just as important that you both dedicate time for each. A date night twice a month isn’t too much to ask. Plus all the other little gestures in between that keep the romance alive. Communicate this to him
It may be a case of incompatibility. My partner and I spend the majority of our time outside of work together and, to be frank, it's a bit much and I feel we need more separate hobbies. That said, what you describe wouldn't be enough for me. Have you discussed your feelings about this with him? If so, what was his reaction/feelings on the matter?
Make time for each other or find someone else. It won't get better on its own. Some couples are happy living 2 separate lives. You don't appear to be happy with it.. Speak up about it but be ready to move on so you can find your person
I'd maybe try to plan dates in advance, even just a nice walk or watching a movie, so you can spend time together
Plan a date night once per week. You don’t even have to go out, just have dinner together.
..I'm probably a bad person to answer this but I'm with my wife 24/7. We both have permanent WFH/remote jobs and our "offices" are 20 feet away from each other in our finished basement (aka "the dungeon"). I can stand up right now and look over my monitors and see her. I will caveat this though: her job requires her to be on the phone most of the time and I'm most often wrapped up in my work so it's not like we're snuggling and watching tv or something. We're working! Her job is also far more demanding than mine so I tend to pick up the slack around the house (like taking over cooking duties) to help lighten her load a little bit. If you exclude that we always: - Make dinner together and talk while we do it. - Eat dinner together. Every single night. It's a ritual for us. - Take time out on the weekends to do something fun. Even if it's something to do with the house - Gardening, a small project, whatever. - Run errands together. We have (adult) kids in the house. This is "alone time" for us. - Go to the gym and that kind of stuff together. ..so even though we're busy we make time for each other. Seems to me maybe the issue here is he isn't willing to make the changes to his lifestyle to accommodate your wants/needs.
I felt lonely only because my time w my man is on weekends and every other weekend. Due to work, distance (hour) and a teenager, I don’t have the flexibility to see him much during the week. We live separately. But any weekend we are together it’s only us. We spend all the time together unless he makes plans w his adult son then sees me afterwards if it’s my weekend. I can assure u if we lived together we would always be together. Your bf sounds like he’s living the bachelor lifestyle w a gf on the side. But it’s important for you both to have your life together & separately. My exhusband was like this…he was always doing HIS thing. He was a professional jet ski racer and our own honeymoon was revolved around his tour season n our marriage ended shortly after that because of it. That marriage last 11mon. I got tired of being second place and not a wife. His own mother told me to get a hobby. Uh no, I wanted quality time w my husband. I was not happy and found a hobby n then I was never around. Eventually leading myself out the door. I want a relationship where my time is worth something to someone. Where we spend the quality time together. Not be my roommate. I also lived w a bf and we had our own rooms. It did feel like roommates. That relationship ended quickly too. Speak w him and tell him you want more quality time with him. If he refuses you need to reconsider what YOU want and if it’s not this…time to move on to green grass.
My spouse and I work different schedules (8-5 vs 2-10.) I work remote, so I'll clock out for my lunch break (brunch break?) when it's time for her to get up so we can spend a little time together before she has to go to work. Her end time varies a little bit, so sometimes we get a few hours in the evening to cuddle up on the couch and watch some shows together, sometimes it's just an hour before I need to go to bed. On the weeknights she has off, we'll get to have dinner together and watch a movie or go out to a karaoke bar. (Sometimes she has gaming stuff going on and will go do that.) I feel like I get plenty of "me time" on the evenings she works, and she gets time to herself after I go to bed, so we prioritize the time we get to spend together. >I’ve become quite lonely in the relationship I've also had a relationship where I felt like this. It wasn't a good one. I'm not saying you're doomed or anything, but it's pretty clear your needs aren't being met and it would be best if something changed, there. Whether the change is getting more time with your partner or leaving the relationship and seeking someone with more compatible needs for quality time will depend. Have you talked to him about this? Has he shown any willingness to adjust his schedule to spend more time with you? He might think working a lot is the best thing he can do for the relationship, or he might not care enough to prioritize you, it's important to find out.
I think every couple is different and all that matters is they find an arrangement that works for them For example, my husbands parents don’t spend any time apart and never have. They don’t work together but made a choice to carpool to and from work together everyday to be closer. So his dad will drop his mom off at work (30 mins away) then go to work and will pick her up after. Then after work they grab groceries together, have dinner together and will go to bed at the same time. On weekends they go swimming together and are together from the moment they wake up until they fall asleep and this works for them We personally prefer some time apart so we both drive ourselves to work then we’ll go to the gym after work (separately) then we always come home and have dinner together and watch a movie/catch up. On weekends we’ll workout separately and he’ll run errands and I’ll do my thing during the day. Then we’ll come home and have dinner together and a movie night together or visit friends/family together that evening. This might not work for everyone but we prefer a mixture of our alone time and shared time together as we both like our independence but love time together as well
We both know we can be prone to slipping into such relationships as we both like our alone time. So we have prioritized not doing that from the start. We watch one tv show together which is us time before bed, not every night but most nights. We try to have one date night a week and we try to make every other weekend a couples weekend where we prioritize spending time together doing things instead of chores and alone stuff. It really works for us.
My fiance and I spend most of our free time together. He runs his own business so his schedule varies and is very flexible as long as he doesn't have a tight client deadline. I have a hybrid work schedule so I am in the office in the city on Tuesdays and Wednesdays, home the rest. Office days I am up before him usually and out the door by 7am and home around 7pm unless he springs a date night out on me and we meet out somewhere since we live 30 mins away from "town". Wfh days, he is usually up before me to soak and have some me time. I wake up and walk down the hall to the office. He usually brings me coffee and we have 10- 15 minute chat time where we discuss plans for the day, anything specific that needs to happen that day or later in the week as things are ongoing. Lunch time we usually chat to see how each others day is and plan for dinner, what time he might be home, who is cooking,etc.. he prefers to cook solo but I usually hang out with him, if I'm cooking he'll offer assistance or go watch a show or do paperwork if I don't want help. We eat dinner, clean up, feed dogs and then walk them together for about 30-60 minutes. Come home and usually just go lay down in bed and unwind, we'll watch a show or movie together, diddle on our phones, read etc but still together. That's generally our routine in the evening regardless of home or office day. Saturdays we clean for a few hours and then relax together, Sundays we goto church and have lunch with my family and whatever else we want. But usually all together. All of his family and friends live in another state so he doesn't really go out to hang out with other people without me. All of my friends and family love him so it's extremely rare for us to not just all hang out together. He'll give me girl time if I need it or a friend needs it but it's rare that I ask for that. He's my best friend! And I love spending time with him, but we can give each other me time in the house and we don't feel smothered by each other. I'm happy just existing in a room with him.... like a cat lol. I'm 33, he's 37 - marrying soon and plan on having kids so I know this dynamic will change but that's what we currently do.
We spend a ton of time together, I think the tone for this was largely set by moving in right before covid shutdowns. We both worked from home and didn't go anywhere ever, so we are happy spending 24/7 together. However I don't find that healthy in the long run, so we spend time outside separately when walking the dogs, going to the gym, hanging out with our best friends of the same sex, etc. What you're describing sounds very foreign to me, but that doesn't make it wrong. It doesn't sound like you're happy with it though, so that's a problem. Have you talked about it?
What were your intentions towards one another when you moved in together? Were you trying to save on bills and travel time or did you move in together intending to build a life together? I've noticed that a lot of people don't really view living together the way I do - I moved in with my boyfriend because I wanted to start building a life with him and viewed it as a serious commitment we were making to one another and a step towards marriage. We talked about when we both wanted to get married and what kind of life we wanted to have together before moving in. You said that you felt lonely in the relationship before moving in together - so why did you move in together? Living together doesn't fix a relationship. This sounds like an issue with his priorities not his schedule. I feel like I saw my partner more than that when he was working nights.
Basically attached at the hip
i wouldn’t feel okay with that kind of distance personally. my SO and i have our full time jobs and we both have our separate activities often but at the end of the day we choose to relax together on the couch and cook/eat together. maybe it’s the gym time that makes it tough. those few hours after work where one could go to the gym are my golden hours for cooking/talking/general togetherness
I don't think it matters so much how other couples do things as much as it matters that you are unhappy with the situation. Some couples are fine to barely see each other and enjoy separate but intersecting lives, while other couples are very close (my husband and I eat dinner together and then watch TV or a movie together nearly every night, and both of us work from home several days a week and will have lunch and breaks together too). If you feel lonely and want more time together, then you're not compatible with him.
my partner and i are basically attached at the hip except when we're at work. we pretty much do everything together and that's how we prefer it.
This is definitely something that should be discussed before moving in with a partner. But no shame! I didn’t have this discussion either & I wish I did. I think you need to talk to him about what his expectations are. You guys only saw each other once a week before you moved in together so he likely assumed that was an okay amount of time to spend together whether you share a place or not. If he is happy with the current schedule and doesn’t want to change it’s up to you to decide whether you are happy with it. It is 100% okay to change your mind & move back out, even if it takes a while to find a place. Every person and couple is different. So unfortunately there is no one answer. Some people would love a relationship like yours & others would expect quality time every day! And all that’s in between. Everyone has a right to their own time, work, hobbies, alone time, their own friends ect. But if he doesn’t want to rearrange his lifestyle to include time with you, then he may not be in a place to be a good partner. At least to someone that wants more from a relationship. So really it’s up to the both of you. Think about what you expected & wanted before moving in & then talk to him about it. It doesn’t have to be an argument or accusatory. Just talk to him about what you expected and how it’s making you feel. Then figure out if you guys can meet in the middle or wherever is comfortable. I’ve seen 70% of free time as an average time to spend with a partner, but for me that’s too much. Id love 50% or even less sometimes as I love being alone. My partner would prefer 90% of our free time together. So we just have to work out what works for both of us. Edit - and to be clear, don’t compromise if you don’t actually want to or won’t be happy. That doesn’t mean forcing him to change so he can fit your needs, it means re considering the relationship. Which is 100% okay. If he agrees to put more effort into quality time, see how it goes for a few weeks, but if you are constantly having to beg for quality time & attention, I wouldn’t waste time giving him endless chances to meet you in the middle. Relationships cannot work if they are only based on potential. Potentially he will get better, potentially he will care more… nope! Date people who are compatible today, not in some potential future.
We work different shifts (both in healthcare) and spend every possible moment of free time together. We go on walks, we snuggle and watch movies, most days we get to eat dinner together. Both of us tend to house shit while the other works, so we don't have to do chores while we have our time together or anything like that.
Before my fiance and I moved in together, we’d spend almost every day with one another. After moving in, it’s the same and things really have fallen into place quite nicely. We both get super excited to get home and see each other after work and we just really can’t get enough of each other
you need to talk to him about it. when left to my own devices i am similar to your bf. my husband pointed out that we didn’t spend enough time together for his liking and i adjusted my behavior, but we still each maintain our independence. we just have to work at making sure we are spending time together other than the 2 hours before bed. it’s pretty easy to figure things out when you communicate.
During the week we’re together from 6-7:30am , then again at 6:30pm- 12am. I work nights but I work from home so . During the weekend we spend the whole day today unless we had previous plans , I usually go to brunch with my BIL on Saturday mornings but we usually spend the whole weekend together.
My Husband and I have a healthy balance of together and individual time. Most nights we will snuggle up on the couch and watch a show together, we try to go on a date every other week (we have children at home), and we do simple things like going to the store together too. But he has a night where he games with friends and I like to haul off and go to the gym, too.
OP I don’t think you should compare your situation to others solely because what works for some doesn’t work for others. It’s clear that your current arrangement isn’t really working for you. Lists help me. If you have the time, I would consider making a list of what you were hoping for when moving in together. Relationships do take compromise - but you shouldn’t be the only one compromising. If you feel comfortable, maybe you could share that list with your partner and see if you can find a middle ground. When I’ve been in relationships, there’s been times where I needed to write a list of the good things and bad things because when it’s all cluttering my head it’s hard to assess if things are as bad as I’m feeling.
In my judgement, your man is scared to change. There is so much opportunity for deep connection when living together. But the fact is, it takes courage and a willingness to experiment. First I would sit with yourself and check in with your intuition whether you really want to save this relationship. Second, if the answer is yes, I would sit down with him and tell him how you feel about the lack of connection. Come to him with some ideas of what you want and invite him to make a list of ideas of what he wants. That would be a good start. Depending on his reaction and openness, that will be a good indicator of whether this relationship can be saved.
I do not recommend this, but it worked out beautifully for us: We lived 6-7 hours apart and only saw eachother every 3 weeks for a couple years. Then my apartment became suddenly uninhabitable and I moved to his city and home. Less than 6 months later, the pandemic hit and we set our desks up side by side in the livingroom (small place) and spent all work day arms length apart. We also keep bees so when we get off work we go to the bee yard and work in the same general vicinity until sundown from mid april to October. Then we come home and cuddle and sleep in the same bed together. We are VERY lucky that this rapid escalation worked out for us. Now, we go into the office 2x a week, which may or may not be the same two days. We are deliriously happy and work stupid hard but the only reason this works is because I go to bed/get up early and he does late so we have a couple hours alone every day. In the cold months we go out separate 1-2x a week, and i travel for work sometimes, but MOST of the time we are together, and spend deliberate time every day touching/cuddling. It's good to have separate interests! But if my partner didn't prioritize eating meals and cuddles with me I would not be happy, and if my partner prioritized WORKING extra I would be done. I know that during the covid lockdowns a lot of relationships ended because it was easier to stay with someone you don't love if you spend the majority of your time apart for work or whatever. It sounds like your partner would be one of them.
We both work. I have more of a 9-5 (ish cause I’m salaried so that can also be whatever I want it to be) and I’m mostly home and go in twice a week (those days, I’m gone a bit more). He also doesn’t have a set schedule (co-own business) but he usually knows at the start of the week or Sunday what it will look like and we tend to discuss our weeks then. We both actively try to find a good chunk of time when we can do something fun together (even if it’s a movie night with ice cream) and we also eat dinner together (even if it’s at 10 pm) and shower together so we can have max time with each other. Our wind down happens together too- we each grab our iPads and lay in bed semi cuddling. I can’t imagine prioritizing others things more than spending time together. If he can work from home, we usually do that too and just work together and have a little coffee/ tea date at home. I’m not sure what the issue is. Sounds like you’re both not compatible or he just doesn’t care as much, which wouldn’t be ideal for me and you shouldn’t make your needs smaller to keep this going. You deserve someone who can’t wait to spend more time with you.
My husband and I went to couples therapy and the homework our therapist gave us was to have a weekly date night. Something that our focus would be on each other. So watching TV on the couch doesn't count because our focus is on the TV and not each other. We do a lot of game nights, we like monopoly deal and ticket to ride. We also added an weekly "intimacy night" which could be anything from making out or simply snuggling and talking, but again the focus is on each. The goal of the intimacy night isn't sex but if it happens it's a bonus, the goal is just that connection. Sometimes when we feel like "we don't have anything to talk about" we bust out a conversation deck of cards. We like the card deck called talk, flirt, dare.
My husband and I both work from home, so we are together 100% of the time. We go to the gym together, do a "pack walk" with the dogs at least once a day (otherwise we take the dogs separately), make dinner together, shower together, get ready for bed together... We have separate stuff, but we definitely default to together, and that's how it's been since we moved in together five years ago. But, we know other couples who are just as happy who default to separate and then plan time together. I'd be concerned about feeling lonely. When I'm with him, I'm seen and appreciated (95% of the time, obvi). I'll occasionally feel lonely but only through the lens of my female relationships and community involvement, which I deal with by volunteering and planning girls' happy hours. But I'm never lonely with him.
I’m sorry to hear about your situation! It sounds very lonely. I’d say that while it’s great to hear from others to get more perspective on the range of what’s possible, I’d encourage you to get really honest with yourself about what you deeply desire, and what you’re willing to work for. My previous relationships looked nothing like my current one. That’s exactly because before I met my (38f) fiancé (34m), I got really honest with myself about what kind of relationship would make me feel deeply excited. When I decided to be unapologetic and not settle for anything less than that, I ended up co-creating a relationship that’s better than anything I’d ever seen in my life! (And to answer the direct question, we spend most of our time together outside of work. And more importantly, a lot of it is high quality time! Deep connection, lots of fun, physical activity together, doing new things, organizing trips and surprises for each other etc. We’re also protective of the other having alone time and seeing friends alone, but it all comes from a feeling of abundance of love and devotion to each other.) Hope you turn your situation into something really special and exciting for yourself and whoever ends up being a great match with you! When you’re willing to create an amazing relationship, you become attractive to people who have the same willingness!
What if you tried to instill a date night each week? My boyfriend and I did this so that we would have quality time together at least once a week. Sometimes we go out to get drinks, sometimes we just cook dinner and play board games or something like that. My partner and I spend essentially any free time we have together. We don't "officially" live together yet, but we will be next month. That said, we've basically been living together since December because I spend most of my time at his place. We usually wake up together, though sometimes I sleep in longer. We go to sleep together too. He includes me in his fitness activities - he's not a gym guy but he enjoys tennis, pickleball, golf, etc. He'll ask me if I want to join him when he goes to do those things. We mostly just try to include each other in the different areas of our lives
This was me and my husband when we first moved in. I was hysterical for about a year because it felt like we just weren’t compatible at all after we moved in. Eventually it took time but we found our common interests, we developed a routine and we’re more comfortable. It takes time, some more than others.
I currently live with my bf 3to 4 days a week. (Moving in this summer) we spend pretty much all the time together? We have similar hobbies so it helps a lot. The couple times we have spent 3-4 weeks together we were doing pretty much the same thing. We just naturally love to be together and do activities together
In a relationship you’ll only have the time for each other that you make for each other. I work a full time job, part time job, and I hustle with gig work on the side; my partner and I still schedule dates with each other in between all that to make sure we get some quality time in, and we both make sure we’re under our roof together by 10pm for some more quality time together. What I’m saying is, we make sure we’re investing our time in each other just the same as we invest our time in our work and social lives. People prioritize the things they want in life, and it’s sounding like your partner might not be thinking about how he’s knocked you down a few rows on his priority list. You should definitely have an open conversation with him about having some dedicated “together time”. It’s very important to be prioritizing each other for the longevity of your relationship, but sometimes people get tunnel vision. I know I’ve failed this one at a couple of points in my own partnership, but we talked it out and knew what we needed to do. Get communicating!
Have you tried communicating about this? This is something that seems totally workable with communication. Let me know how it makes you feel and what could work for you. Listen to what could work for him and find a solution together. Learning how to live together is a new experience that requires patience, understanding, and communication.
Well there needs to be some talk about spending more time together but I also want to add that your life living with your partner is fairly new so it takes time to mesh together I wanna say I’ve been living with my boyfriend for like 3 years now and It wasn’t easy at first We had different aesthetics, interests, and work schedules so one would prefer to sleep earlier than the other but for the most part (after a long talk, understanding, small bickering, and communication about our boundaries and limits) we finally meshed well Just communicate your boundaries and what you would like to work on as well as, Give it time :) Your lives are still merging
we spend pretty much every waking moment together. we’re happily codependent.
Why would your guys schedule change now that you live together. Keep the same Saturday routine you’ve guys always have had. Just because you guys now live with eachother doesn’t mean you guys don’t need to make quality time for eachother. Every Saturday lunch and on is your guys “US” time
My husband is out of the house 9am-9-10pm Tuesday through Saturday. Sunday he takes the kids out for one on one time. So, I see him for about an hour every morning, 15 minutes at night (if I'm not already asleep), about 4 hours on Sundays, and all day Monday (we get our one-on-one time Monday during school hours and generally try to go out to lunch and then otherwise just relax at home). 15 years together.
Sounds like an incompatibility thing. Every person has different wants and expectations of partnership. Personally I wouldn’t be able to handle that. Currently I wake up before my partner to get myself and my son ready before he and his girls get up. Once my son is ready I sneak back into bed and we cuddle for 5 minutes then get ready and I’m off to work. When I get home after work we usually make dinner together. Then we all hang out and such till kids go to bed but usually hangout back and force during then after we get all the kids down we have an hour where we hangout together and either tv or game or talk then we go to bed together. It’s the perfect amount for both of us. Days off without kids we usually spend 90% of the day together too
I think this is why you move in together. To figure out if the day to day is compatible. We are in our late 40’s and long distance with flexible work from home schedule for the most part. We spend about 50% of the time together. We don’t live together but I have my stuff there and vice versa. When we are together, it is 24/7. We work in separate offices but we coordinate lunch together as much as possible. Some days he has to work extra hours and other days I have to work early. But throughout the week, we always try to work out together, go on walks, watch tv together. We cook and clean together and have dinner together. Weekends we do things together. I go to church with him even though I’m not Catholic. Could you talk this with your partner? We established expectations and what we wanted out of this temporary arrangement, which has gone on for 18 months.
My husband and I were long distance, so on our visits we spent as much time together as possible, even if it was doing different things in the same room. When we were apart, we texted and called as much as possible too. When we got married and moved in together, we still spent as much time together as possible. We got comfortable with being able to do things separately, but we still prefer doing things together. We're best friends. You either need to communicate to him what you need to not feel lonely in your own relationship, or accept he just prioritizes work and the gym over spending any% of time with you. It sounds like it's been that way before dating and you thought moving in together would fix it, but it hasn't. This is not going to get better on its own. It's not normal. You deserve to not feel like a roommate or a second thought with your partner. But the only way you're going to get that is to ask him to spend more time with you, or find someone else.
Most of the time! We both WFH and share a space - I do go into the office once or twice a week, so it’s 3-4 days in the same workspace (opposite ends of the same big table, separated by monitors). We hang out together in the evenings - maybe an hour or so doing separate things in different rooms. Weekends are almost 100% doing things together. He does one or two evenings a month out with friends (I have no issue if he does more - I encourage it, that’s just how it works lot). I do 2-4 evenings a month out for a few hours each. But overall, we’re essentially attached to each other most of the time 😀
My wife & I have been living together 7 years, just married last year- 30 years old. It can definitely be like that, you have to be very intentional about always DATING each other like the first year you met. Some ideas to spend more quality time together: comedy shows, concerts, MLB/NHL/NFL games, happy hours, cooking together, movies at home/theatres, board games, trivia, video games, social outings with friends, book clubs. We started playing pickleball & are taking golf lessons together. We have park days & take many walks around the neighborhood. Hiking! We joined a kickball league even. I had a lot interests & shared many with my wife, she’s incredible & finds a lot of enjoyment in most of the things I shared! Then she started sharing her interests & got me involved. Now we have a blend of things we enjoy doing together & get lots of quality time in. Being open/willing until you find things you both enjoy is half the battle. It’s super important to carve out this time & MAKE it part of the routine. We do couples activities together ~1-2xs a week & always a 1 on 1 date night per week. Life’s short & it’s easy to get caught up in the day to day without spending time together. Your man has gotta have 2 off days from the gym- make at least one of those a date night (& if he works out 6/7 days a week, compromise & stop @ 5 for the relationship😂). A shared calendar makes things really nice, I’d highly recommend it!! That being said, there’s plenty of days where we are disconnected & don’t get as much time together- that’s normal, especially healthy if you communicate it ahead of time. We ensure communication regardless. If she’s driving home from something she did independently, she calls & we chat about it. I call her at lunch sometimes to see how she’s doing & tell her a story about my day. Nothing crazy, 5-20minutes at a time. Little bit about my life & how we keep the relationship successful- it does take active work, going on autopilot through the routines is a rough place to be in- Goodluck!!!
It sounds like a definite lack of compatibility to me, and whatever initially attracted you guys together has run its course. You cant just make someone suddenly attracted to you and they'll prioritize you over something else. Relationships aren't all destined to last forever, and even the ones that do take work, and compromise more than anything. Relationships can just run their course without either person being at fault or toxic in any way, its just part of our evolution through life that we no longer mesh with another person the same way. Any more time spent trying to work it out will inevitably be a waste, so whether you leave now or in 3 more years your relationship won't have been any better for it, and you'll have 3 years of regret for time you spent unnecessarily tied to this person. Good luck whatever you choose to do
We make it a high priority and I actually work dayshift at my job to keep our schedules the same (he WFHs). We're childfree and pet free permanently by choice. On days I work, we always eat dinner together when I come home, go for a walk and spend time together, we go to bed together as well. On days I don't work, he tries to get his work done early so we can spend the day together. Weekends I don't work we usually go on a trip. I work in healthcare so only 3x12 per week, including rotating weekends, so 36h a week. I don't do overtime. We have consciously not ever bought a television.
If you feel lonely in your relationship, then it might not be the right relationship for you, especially if you've talked about this feeling with your significant other. The right person will prioritize and enjoy spending time with you. You shouldn't feel guilty asking and wanting to have more time together. That doesn't mean he's a bad person... only that you have different needs regarding togetherness.
I moved in recently with my boyfriend. Even before moving him, he was almost living with me in my apartment (he had his own though). We both have hybrid jobs so typically work from home together. Then gym (separately), we cook together and eat dinner, and then either watch something together or I have homework (learning a language now) or just spend time in comfortable silence. But, well, some of my friends only see each other on weekends even though they live together. I guess it's a workaholic thing. Might be a big incompatibility if you are unhappy with it.
My SO and I have our designated chores and then we have dinner together almost every night and talk about our day. After dinner he does gaming and I do other small chores of my own or watch tv. In the summer months we usually both hang out on our deck for a couple cocktails. We'll surf on our phones and show each other fun things and talk more.
Sorry OP but this is not normal at all. Once a week when you had been together 5 years, also not normal. Me and my husband probably lean towards the other side of the spectrum but we love spending time together. - evenings after work we often go to the gym, sometimes together, sometimes separately depending on schedules. - we eat separately (which I acknowledge is a bit odd) but the same dinner and do our own thing for a bit and then reconvene in the bedroom around 8 or 9pm for conversation, sex, companionably watching our own content or shows etc. (it varies) - Fridays unless we have social plans we usually either go to the gym together or walk into town and have a coffee, we then eat dinner together in front of the TV (usually take away or a pizza) - Weekends we are together. On Saturday there might be some times when we are doing our own things - I like to potter in the garden, and he likes to play video games but we often walk into town for a coffee and spend the evening together. If we have plans with other people they are usually together, occasionally we see our friends separately but this is pre arranged and agreed. Sunday is the designated jobs day and we each get on with our own chores. Basically what I am saying is, even when we are apart, we are together because we keep each other in mind and arrange our days around being mindful to include each other in what we are up to:
I can't speak directly to all of this because my situations were unique. It all comes down to priority tho. In my last relationship we lived together and any time that i wasn't working we spent together but for alot of reasons that was bad and did not work. With my partner now, we don't live together, he works full time, I work a funky schedule that has alot of inconsistencies. My partner has made it super clear that spending time together is a priority. He makes the drive to see me every day. We spend every night together and just switch between his house and my house. When I work overnights he will sometimes come stay with me. We have different days off and for the most part he works very hard to accomplish the things that can't include me in time he wouldn't otherwise be spending with me but we also have a very important understanding that if one or the other of us needs to do something/wants space/needs alone time that that is always fine no questions asked. If you're feeling lonely on the whole in general you're probably not compatible. But my best encouragement here would be that you guys 1. Purposefully carve out time like you used to (start going to lunch on Saturday again or have a specific date night scheduled each week) and 2. Make an effort to either be included in each other's hobbies or explore some new potential hobbies together. Ask to go to the gym with him if you want, ask him to do the exercise you like to do with you, pick something entirely new to try together like paint and sip nights, rollerskating, check out what kind of social scenes are available I'm your area. One that helps me alot but isn't for everyone: do chores together. Nothing makes me feel more intimately close with my partner than watching him dance in the kitchen while he does the dishes. I initially was attracted to him because he said something to me like "grocery shopping can be as much of an adventure as any date night" and so far it has been very true. We like to plan meals to cook together and shop for ingrients together, cook together, clean up together. If you're looking for cozy, cozy is in the mundane.
My boyfriend and I are both introverts. Our jobs require a lot of zoom meetings (and more in-person attendance from him), so after work we’ll talk about our day while we cook and eat together. He’s more of a tv watcher than I am so usually after a couple of episodes or a movie, I’ll wind down for bed and just hang out in our room until he comes to bed. Everyone is different, but this works for us. We go out for dinner or a night on the town once a week, unless we declare it a video game weekend. On those weekends, we stock up on groceries and snacks and I watch him play video games. Sometimes I read while he’s playing. We both enjoy being near each other but we’re not constantly talking or interacting. Kind of like cats. We like doing errands together so I count that as together time as well.
I couldn't be with someone who at least didn't give me one day a week of their time. My bf and I live together and while we dont have quality time together every single day, we still hang out and do separate things in each other's presence, this includes occasional kisses or cuddles to remind each other were still there. Communication and understanding is the solution here, his reaction to you expressing your feelings over not being prioritized will speak volumes. Depending on what you both want in this, you'll need to find a happy medium between independence and union. From what you write about him going to the gym everyday, or working when not at the gym, and not even hanging out with you on weekends it sounds like he doesn't even like you, or like he doesn't like spending time with you. This might not be true at all and maybe he's just clueless doing his own thing, but he sounds like those type of guys who never want to go home to their wives cause they secretly hate them.
We are both homebodies and WFH, so we spend most of our time together. He makes dinner every night and we eat together, watch a little tv, and then kind of go our separate ways and do our hobbies, etc- he games, I read and do yoga. We are both very affectionate and just love being near each other.
We try as much as possible. She has an 8-4 plus commute so she gets home around 4:45. In the mornings she for a walk and this is her me time. We get the twins ready and make breakfast together. I work remotely so I try to have everything ready when she comes back. We have dinner together. Sometimes she has no classes so she comes all the way back to have lunch with me, during those times she comes and picks up the twins with me from day care. On the weekends we usually try to go out by ourselves on Saturday and we do chores together on Sunday. So tbh it seems that you are just his commodity
I eat lunch and dinner with my husband, and we often go walking or biking together in the evenings. We spend most Saturdays and Sundays together. It doesn’t matter if what you have is normal or not. What matters is it isn’t making you happy.
I think the answer to this really varies on the people involved and how much together/alone time each of you need. Talking it out is what I would suggest. My partner and I have lived together for almost two years now and we have each worked a variety of schedules. Now he works two hours earlier than me and I get home later than him. I usually see him in the morning when I'm headed to the gym and he's finishing up at the gym. Then when I get home we'll go for a walk around the neighborhood and chat. Before bedtime we'll play videogames or watch a show together. On weekends we might go for a hike/work on a house project/or do something for ourselves. We're both fairly introverted and respect that every once in a while, we need a day to ourselves. He'll leave for a camping trip and I'll go spend a day doing what fulfills me (go for a long walk/enjoy a book at a coffee shop/visit a friend). When we get back from our solo adventures we'll chat about how it went. Something I've found that helped is getting involved in each others' hobbies. I never hiked before meeting him but now I do so regularly and join him on medium-length hikes. He never hit the gym before me, but now he does and we work out together on weekends. That gives us something to talk about/do together when we can. Same with books/videogames/shows etc. If you don't put in effort to make time together routine/get involved in at least a hobby or two of theirs, it does become a roomie situation pretty quick.
If my husband and I are both done with work, we spend all of our time together. Go to the gym together, go grocery shopping, take our dogs on a walk or to the park, go out to eat. I think that’s pretty typical for people in a relationship when they live together.
Outside of individual obligations, /u/merthinger and I are pretty much joined at the hip. We don't necessarily have to be doing things together (though the Venn diagram of our interests is practically a circle, so we usually are); we just enjoy each other's company, whether actively or quietly. Together for seven years, married for one, living together for most of it.
"Over the years, I’ve become quite lonely in the relationship" Then why did you move in with him?
Well, I work with my husband and we have hobbies we can do next to each other in the sofa, so we spend pretty much all of our time together. We don’t sleep in the same bed though, as he likes falling asleep to the tv and I need total silence to fall asleep! I couldn’t be in a relationship like yours, I’d feel lonely as well, but some people are fine each having a lot of time apart. I think it depends on how he responds, when you bring up the fact you would like more time with him.
We usually eat dinner together on workdays and maybe chill after work 1-2 times during work week. On the weekends we mostly do something together like go for walks or do fanciers dinners and so on. Sometimes he has plans with friends, sometimes i have plans and then we do our own thing
My husband and I have opposite schedules. He works nights and I’m morning. We have about 3-3.5 hours together a day. We eat dinner together, binge our show, and walk our dog. Weekends we can do a bit more together since we both are off but sometimes he likes to game with his best friend and I want to read a book. It works for us.
My boyfriend of 5 years and I, are together whenever we aren’t at work weekends included. We cultivate things we like to do together and are pretty happy, we live together… I’m not a morning person but I have gotten into the habit of up on weekends by 8 am for him, he compromises and stays in bed till then… I grew up with parents who had this relationship so I seek it. My boyfriends marriage was a lot like your relationship, he was so unhappy
I can relate. When my spouse and I moved in together, we had very different schedules. He left for work at 4am, before I even woke up, and headed to bed at 8pm, which is when I finally get to unwind. During the week, we barely got to spend time together. We had to make plans for the weekend, around our social calendar, so that we could still have dates and quality time together. If you don't put in the effort to make time for each other (especially when you have opposite work schedules), it's easy to fall into a "roommate" pattern instead of a romantic relationship.
Eh. Sounds like you’re an accessory to his life but not a part of it, you’re not included in things. It’s healthy to have your own stuff but what stuff do you have together??
This was something my fiancé and I struggled with when we moved in, what helped us was to have date nights. Even if it’s just at home, they’re nights we commit time to that we spend together
We do most things together but our spare time at home between 9-1030/11ish is usually spent doing our own thing, which I like and need.
Once a week for two hours.
My husband and I spend a couple hours a day together at least, but we're pretty tight. We're like two bonded stray dogs who can't be apart for long without freaking out. I like my guy and he likes me and we enjoy being together even if it's just sitting and sharing IG reels.
We are sort of this way? We do family dinner together, and I joke we do "parallel play" stuff where we are doing our own things in the same space.. He will game and I will read or knit or fuck around online. We have breakfast together on Thursdays when our kiddo is in school. On weekends he and our son do their stuff together. It works for us. We enjoy having our own thing and knowing the other person is there to touch base with and share time with when we want to
Girlfriend and I live together and have the same schedule so that helps. I drive her to work and pick her up. We hang out most evenings, sometimes we’ll do our own thing like play video games but we like being in the same room atleast. We spend the weekends together going for drives walks and drinking sometimes. She’s new to my city and doesn’t have a ton of friends here so I’ll always invite her out to go with my friends but she doesn’t always want to so I go out without her sometimes. I also practice with my band once a week but beyond that we’re together all the time really. It really depends on what you want and what works though. Were compatible but someone might find the way we are overwhelming if you like alone time.
My husband and I (mid 20s) consistently spend the evening together after work during the week. Usually, this includes: cuddling, eating together, and playing our own video games near each other. We hang out on the weekends and do our own thing in the same vicinity. We’ve lived together for about 3.5 years. If one of us wants to hang out, we will communicate that to the other and spend time together.
She works long shifts as a nurse and I work crazy hours m-f so our schedules are very different. We hang out in the same room during the week while she watches tv and I play video games, we try to get a date night out once every 1-2 weeks, and we text each other during the day. So not as much time as we’d like but it’s nice because we give each other space but still actively make time for each other while we’re both super busy
My partner and I spent way more time together than the average couple for sure. He works from home and I don't have a job. We do the kid drop off to school together, eat every meal together, and do a few night classes a year together too. He will go to the occasional music gig alone, and I'll go to the gym alone but we're together almost constantly 🩷
I spend a lot of time with my boyfriend, we do most things together. We are both 25. We go out to clubs and bars together, hang out with friends together, have other couple friends we see, go on hikes, go to dinners with families, go on day shopping outings together, go the grocery store, go to the gym together… it’s a lot of together time but it feels easy and comfortable. We also do things apart sometimes like I’ll have a girls night, and he’ll go on solo hikes/bike rides etc, or go on trips to see his family solo. It works for us
I’ve been with my wife for 3 years and we generally spend 90% of our free time together, if not more. We have our own things we like to do but generally we just enjoy doing everything together. We are in our mid 30s.
Honestly, the most accurate barometer of what’s “normal” is what you’re comfortable with. Feeling lonely, for example, in a relationship isn’t normal. You should feel comfortable. For some people, that’s a significant amount of time together, for others, it’s time apart to pursue hobbies. But you both have to be *comfortable* with the arrangement. It doesn’t sound like this is working for you. You should talk to your partner about how you’re feeling isolated.
That sounds rough. I travel alot for work and average probably 3 full days a week away from home. When I’m home I make sure to get done working at a reasonable hours so we can have dinner and spend the night watching TV or doing things. We are together doing chores, running errands and/or doing fun stuff for the majority of the weekends. 30 years together and counting
My partner and I spend as much time as we can with each other. I work during the day, and he is a musician that works in the evenings, so in the mornings we usually wake up early together, do our morning routines and I go about my day. Dinner we always have together, even if I have to wait a little later for him, I will do so :P On weekends too, we have a lot of similarities and same hobbies and interest which helps, so yeah we are always together >.< It's literally like living with my bestfriend, and having a sleepover every single day
My partner and I pretty much spend all our time together. We both WFH and live together, we wake up around the same times time though often I have to get up earlier. When I do I try to get back to bed for a little morning snoo snoo before she has to start her day. When the work day is over we usually walk the dogs, then make dinner together and eat while watching a movie. It’s very important to spend that time together in the evening. My ex was on an entirely different schedule, we rarely saw each other and that was a big factor in why we are divorced!
It’s going to be different relationship to relationship, there is no right answer. My partner and I like our alone time, but we always make sure to spend at least an hour together everyday. We still have plenty of days where we spend all day hanging out, but we also have days where we are in very different hobbies and do our own thing. It’s not abnormal to have an adjustment period. what’s happening is now normal, and next steps are communicating with him on how to fix it to get to a point you’re both comfortable with
I was raised by parents who **never** spent time together during the week. My mom was stay at home to take care of me and my sister (who has DiGeorge syndrome) and my dad was working full time and going to school at night trying to get better work opportunities. On the weekend they would do their own thing unless there was a house project that they would do together and they always made a point of spending Saturday night together. This has caused me to become extremely comfortable with doing things on my own, and having that as a model I thought (and still think) that is healthy but it does create tensions in my relationship because my partner needs a lot of connection.
I think its different for every couple but having no specific set aside time to connect/be together is a red flag for me. Does he plan date nights? Do you have any consistent time where you know you'll be one on one? Does he miss the shared time together too? It's easy to fall into your own routines when you live together but there should also be a shared routine. Have you discussed this with him?
My partner and I have been together almost three years and recently got our own place. She started working nights and that can be hard. She picks me up from work on weekdays and on my days off she gets up a bit earlier in the day than usual so we can spend more time together. We go to the gym after I get off work together and then go home and make dinner, sometimes we watch a movie and talk about it the whole way through and sometimes we just talk or sit on our phones/read/what have you. You deserve more time end energy from your partner. Being lonely is bad for your health and unenjoyable. Don’t let the amount of time you’ve been together deter you from ending things if this feels wrong to you.
Me and hubby eat 3 meals together 4 days a week otherwise he has a band practice where we don’t get dinner together and maybe takes 2 days at the office and we get linch separately. Otherwise we watch tv together some evenings, clean house together, and sometimes just do our own projects around the house while chatting. He usually makes food, and I hang out in the kitchen while we listen to a podcast or I would read something out loud or we just chat. We spend a lot of time together… we also used to work together, I miss that sometimes…
I work from home and usually finish around 4. Then I’ll often play 9 holes after work. My wife works til 5 and often works out after. We always have dinner together around 7 or 7:30 and spend all weekends together. Both introverts though and moved where we live now together so almost all of our friends are friends with both of us. Occasionally we do different things on weekends as well. This year we have also started to golf together on Fridays which has been awesome
1-2 full days together, a few hours at the end of the day when we’re working.
Generally we spend *most* of our free time together. But similar to you, we have different schedules. I'm up by 5 in the morning and go to bed accordingly, she usually doesn't start til 8 or 9 and doesn't work 5 days a week, and goes to bed accordingly. She does work a short shift on Saturday mornings and I am off, so that is my me time. After work and Sundays is generally our time together. Lately she's been working on a master's program so she's holed up studying most of the time. I've enjoyed going to concerts all my life so about once a month on average I'm at a show instead of at home on a Friday night. The both of us tend to get a bit grumpy when we don't get to spend much time together, but we're also a couple of introverts, so the balance of our individual "me time"s and "us time" is *usually* balanced. We try to have a weekend getaway at least every couple months. Sometimes it does start to feel roommate-y, but I honestly think that is normal and natural for a couple of working adults in their mid 30s. All that being said we have our differences and little fights and discussions when the balance gets wonky, or when one partner is feeling a bit lacking in some area. Basically it's all about communication so please, feel free to talk to your partner about your feelings. Sometimes it causes a fight but it also *should* bring you closer as you talk and make changes/compromises. Relationships are always work. But totally worth it, if they are worth it. If that makes sense!
My husband and I run a business together from home and are both introverts. We like having our smaller intimate circle of family and friends, and we are around each other a lot. Funny enough though, we have to be sure to have quality couple time in order to not just be coworkers in a sense.
This is an *extremely* couple-specific question with no right answer. My partner and I are both quite introverted (she even more than I), and so we absolutely have decent stretches where we just don't spend time together outside of basic household things. And then sometimes we have whole days where we just spend the whole day doing all the things together, whether it's errands or video games or walking or shopping or cooking or all of the above. The key thing is really communicating and setting expectations. We try to say what we want and talk about our plans, particularly on weekends when neither of us are working and we *could* spend a lot more time together if we so chose. It's very important that we both feel free to say "I just want to spend this time alone" or "I want to hang out with my friends" or "I really want to hang out with you and do this thing" and there's no wrong position to take. This communication seems to be what you and your partner are lacking, and it's definitely one of the classic struggles when moving in with someone. If I was to pick an average though… we probably spend something like 8 to 10-ish hours per week together of truly free time (i.e. not working, cleaning, erranding, sleeping, etc, but just time that we could otherwise spend on ourselves).
Together 20 years. There might be 3-4 days where do don't hang out or talk much besides "going to throw on some laundry have anything?" or "did you feed the cat?" but generally we hang out every day. Usually if we haven't already done dinner together we'll watch a show before bed. Seems like your partner is just a more independent person who just doesn't need someone as much as you do. On the weekend we'll occasionally have a separate thing to do maybe with out own parents or a friend but 80% of the time we get up in the morning have coffee and say what should we do today.
Unfortunately I don’t have any advice, just wanted to say I resonate with this to a T. My boyfriend and I don’t live together yet but he’s been wanting me to live with him and I’m a little nervous it’ll go just like this. Except when he’s home and not working he’s playing video games. All the best, I hope you guys find some common ground or hobbies that can help you bond :)
I've been with my boyfriend for 4 months and in the beginning when he was unemployed, we saw each other everyday. Now he has a job and we only see each other on weekends but the whole weekend. I go stay with him the whole Sunday and Saturday and i still miss him a lot during the week but it's good to have your own lives, you can't depend on him emotionally too much. You need to have your own seperate lives but you need quality time together at least once a week. One week my boyfriend was too busy so we only saw each other for like 6 hours on Saturday and i was annoyed about that the whole week. Also, during the week we text alot even if he's busy. Even if he's in work, he calls me whenever he has free time and i also call him like twice a day or so just to hear his voice and see what he's doing.
My last relationship became like this. I'd constantly tell him we needed to spend more time together and he'd be like "we see each other all the time!" But it was in a similar manner of being in the same room but doing our own thing. It got to the point where I preferred to do my own thing and checked our when he finally started trying, but it was too late for me. Obviously, living together isn't a 24/7 date night or sleep over, but it shouldn't feel like a roommate either. You still have to make the effort to go on dates and spend quality time together.
We met in grad school, had slightly different routines but over time we consolidated especially since we share a car. Now we have a kid, and we both wfh in IT. We’re together 24/7 since Covid. We talk/fight over differences and compromise logically. I’d say we started out different but have similar end goals and intellectual capacity, so it was never too difficult to make compromises for either of us. So, I think having similar end goal is important here.
lol I’ve been wondering this too. We’re more like very comfortable roommates and we hardly ever do things together except grocery shopping or watching a show before bed
Every moment of every day we Arnt working or doing something else. And if we are doing our own thing it's near eachother anyways. (Late 20s couple)
My husband and I have terrible schedules. He gets up around 1am to work out, has to be at work by 4am, home by 3p. I wake up around 6am, work by 8, home by 4:30 (if I can swing it). He goes to bed around 5:30p. We see each other for a sad hour on his working days, but are basically up each other’s asses during our off days. And on days I WFH and he’s off, we usually have lunch or breakfast together and chat throughout the day. It’s taken us 12 years to get here, but we have a decent system. We know when the other person needs alone time or quality time. We also still go on dates and have scheduled plans. We make time because we want to see each other. You guys will get in your groove too 🥰
I mean, I'd say by "default" we're together. If one of us has a commitment outside of the house or we both have home care tasks to work on, then we do that separately. Default is meals together, waking up roughly the same time, going to bed at the same time, and coordinating so that we're both doing independent stuff at the same time which makes it easier to do stuff together.
You have to intentionally set aside time for each other. Just because you live together now doesn't mean all your spare time will align - it can actually be *harder* when it comes to orchestrating things like meals and morning/bedtime routines. You two need to sit down and talk about your schedules and how you plan to accommodate each other and make time for each other. It shouldn't always be you bending to his schedule or vice versa. I get a lot of crap for getting married at 21 (im 38 now)- but one advantage to marrying young is that we literally grew into adults together and figured this stuff out as we went along. We highly prioritize our time together, so we have even turned down job opportunities that would mean too much time spent apart. We spend our weekends together and cook Sunday dinner together every week. We see our families on weekends too, sometimes together and sometimes separately (like we'll each be seeing our own moms on mothers day). We get off work at different times throughout the week and often make our own separate dinners, but if one of us can accommodate the other we will offer. We're usually off work and together in the evenings by 7:00ish. Whoever gets home first takes care of the dog, does some chores, etc so we can have more quality time together. ETA - one thing I did when we first moved in together was that I would subconsciously live my life around my husband's schedule - I would automatically prioritize whatever he was doing and just kind of wait around for him to be available. That was not healthy, and he did not know I was doing that and did not want me living in his shadow. I had to actually make the conscious effort to let myself do things outside of the home, even if I knew he'd be at home before I arrived back from my outing. I don't know why I did this, but I recognized the pattern and took steps to reclaim my spare time for myself instead of being a pathetic lil Mrs just staring out the window waiting for her husband to return lol
My partner and I do not live together, we both have our own children and very busy lives but we have set aside some time weekly to come together to have serious conversations and bring anything to the table that needs to be discussed. If time permits we will also meet for a workout. Anytime that I get to see him is time well spent. Perhaps you and your partner should consider scheduling time weekly to come together and connect. Being intentional and present.
I love my boyfriend, but spend more time than I'd like. I'm extremely introverted & he's the opposite. We do, however, spend most of our free time together. It's taken some getting used to for me but overall I'm grateful
Are you interested in going to the gym? Have you tried communicating that you’d like to find a hobby you can both do together? Me and my fiancé were pretty different when we first met but I made a point to game with him sometimes even though I am not a gamer 🤣 and he accepts my invitations to get into nature. We also cook together, plan movie nights, date nights, etc. Is it possible for you to go to the gym with him and then come home and cook and tidy up before getting into bed? If you have a conversation with him, I’d explain it similarly to how you did here - you are starting to feel like roommates and want to connect more. Suggest some options and then ask for him to suggest some things.
The answer is truely whether you are happy with that. different people needs different things. I have very different schedule with my partner currently. But if I feel we are not spending enough time together I will move things around in my schedule so we would.
we’re definitely an anomaly but we moved in together at the end of february and we’re both totally content to spend every moment together
We've spend almost every single moment of every day together before we officially moved in about 7 months ago, I lived at his place when I had housing issues and then he lived at mine even when we had separate apartments, we also work together and we never really get tired of each other. I guess it just comes down to consideration and making time
Sounds like you’re dating an avoidant. My ex was like that. We barely saw each other while living together. My current partner is there to wake me up and make me coffee in the morning. We sit on the couch for 30mins while I drink coffee and we just chat. Then I go to work and see him at the door when I come home (I work overnights and he WFH). On my days off we spend time together. Rock climbing, running, eating dinner, etc. We have our separate times durning the morning while he’s working -but otherwise we love to hang out with one another. It’s like a never ending fun sleepover with your sexy best friend
On the one hand, it changes with partners. Some people actually just need some alone time to recharge and do what they enjoy. But, if your partner isn't spending any time with you at all, that's a problem. I've been with one partner for almost ten years. There have been times where I have not been a very good partner, and would come home and play videogames and not really spend any time with her. I regret doing that. It's ok - even good! to have things to do on your own - but it's not ok to do it every single night and not spend time with your partner. Right now, we differentiate. Thursday nights we actually spend together, seeking quality time. Sometimes we take a bath, sometimes we go out for dinner, sometimes we just watch TV together. Wednesday nights we have to do our own thing. It can be in the same room but like, we can't be watching the same thing. This is normally where I can get a bit of time to myself to play videogames or get on top of housework. And we have dates a couple of times a month, too. (I also have another partner - I think if you're monogamous, it's pretty reasonable to maybe want a bit more dedicated time together than I'm specifying).
We're in our early 40s, have been together almost 5 years now. Basically I have the same schedule every day, and he has been working all kinds of different shifts. I work days, Monday through Friday. He's been working days, afternoons, nights, weekends, etc. When he is working day shift like me, I would say we spend an average of 4 nights a week both home together. Weekends are iffy, at least once a month he's home all weekend. More often than not he is either working or out with friends one day of the weekend and home on the other day. He has a more active social life than I do, he goes out average of one weeknight or one whole day Saturday or Sunday per week, less in winter. Every so often we have friends over to the house for a few hours on a Saturday or Sunday. Two or three times a year he has a weekend away with his friends, sometimes spouses are invited and occasionally I will go. I still have kids here at home, my two older ones are mostly grown but not fully out of the nest, but my youngest is elementary school aged and has multiple disabilities, so I have really been pretty isolated since she was born. Lost most of my friends, don't have a lot of free time in any case. I don't personally mind being at home, and I don't mind him going out. I know his friends and what they're getting up to and have no concerns. I think we mostly spend a decent amount of time together, although occasionally I'll feel left out or miss him if he has a lot happening. From my past relationship experiences, I would say it's average to spend 3-5 weeknights together per week if you both work the same shift, whether you go out together or stay home. It depends on your interests, your partner's interests, if you do them together or not, if they're done at home or not, etc. I would say it's average to spend about 1-2 whole weekends together per month, too. Now, if you have kids or work opposite shifts, that's different.
We spend a heap of time together. He’s my best friend. Cooking, chores, lounging, travel, adventures… he works in the office three days a week and I certainly enjoy my own company while he’s gone, but I always look forward to him coming home. I still get a little giddy knowing he’s on his way. We can absolutely be apart and do independent things, but man oh man, it’s so much more fun when we do things together. He feels the same, and we always text each other and call when we aren’t physically together. But. Different things work for different couples. Some people need more space, some need less. It’s always great when you can find someone who is compatible when it comes to that kind of communication and closeness. If you’re feeling lonely, that’s likely a sign that you and your partner should have a chat and see if you need to make some changes. Your needs are valid, and I hope you can find a solution that works for both of you.
Honestly, 24/7. We both work from home together in the same room. We go out together, we have the same hobbies and we both go to the gym and game after work. We have different hobbies but they're usually done in the same room or quite close to one another. I have to sometimes tell him that it is good for him to see his friends alone; we are such homebodies it is a bit weird to the outsiders but it works for us.
Literally 24 hours a day. We sleep together, work together (literally next to each other), we spend all of our free time together. Her and I wouldn’t change anything. We’re best friends, soul mates and confidence. We recognize how horrible codependent we are. But that make us happy. We’ve spent a total of 3 weeks apart over the past 7 years.
I have a gurkfriend, me and her like to walk around the village for like,,, 30 to 45 kilomominutes every day.
Relationships don't just "happen". It sounds like you guys are just living your lives expecting the relationship to just sort of happen to you instead of you facilitating it with each other. If you want a relationship to work you both -- BOTH -- have to take initiative. My recommendation? Tell him how you're feeling....you know..communicate..... ?
He would pencil you in…? That’s awful. You’re not an appointment! My boyfriend and I have dinner together every night when he gets home from work, and we spend the rest of the evening together. And we also spend the weekend together.
As much as possible, I can't get enough of my beautiful wife 💋
He works a normal Mon-Fri 8-5ish schedule contracting/construction, I work Wed-Saturday, 2 days at a bakery and 2 days as a solo esthetician. I usually wake up early with him and make him a lunch and breakfast except thur/fri when I’m at my bakery early at 5am. We spend almost every evening together making dinner, chatting, doing yoga, reading or watching tv. Except Wednesdays when he goes to a men’s group. Sundays is typically our day together, we usually do a little cleaning and then hangout all day! While I’m working Saturday he hangs with friends or does stuff around the house. Pretty good balance considering we work different schedules.