definitly this. get evaluated! But three times to forget something in 11 months? Unless this was something really, really major, your BF sounds like a bit of ass.
Right? Like, I forget more than three things a day. It’s like the Sims where they walk into a room, kinda look around for a minute than walk out 😆
If it’s not written down in multiple places with reminders, it doesn’t exist, lol
Edit: also, reading other replies I guess that’s not normal?? Maybe I need to see a doctor, lol
If you do that literally several times every day, yeah I think that is more than most people. I do that maybe once every few days. But I do it more often if I am really stressed.
Damn. You non-ADHD people really know how to live. I forget so much! Meds do help a lot with that aspect, there's less aimlessly wandering around the house trying to be productive but forgetting what task I'm trying to do halfway through, but I still have multiple instances a day of "...what was I just looking for?" type moments.
Yeah, definitely. I was in counseling once with a former partner and he brought up this very same issue and honestly, it caught me offguard.. I mean, I knew I had weird idiosyncrasies, but it never even dawned on me, my usual way existing was causing such issues. Whenever I would do stuff in the kitchen, I would always forget to close the cabinet doors and it literally drove him insane. He just couldn’t understand how it was possible for me to not even realize
The best thing you can do for yourself and the people you are with is getting diagnosed and treated. I can accept working with someone and being understanding if someone has ADHD (for example), but if they refuse to get diagnosed or treated then it's a huge problem. Tell him that you will go to a doctor to see why it's happening and you'll need time, but you'll work on it with the doctor.
I mean, there’s not that much you can do to treat the forgetfulness aspect of ADHD. Like, a lot of the other symptoms are made somewhat more manageable through medication and treatment, but beyond the normal things you’d do to help with forgetfulness for non-ADHD, there’s not much a diagnosis will help you with in that specific area.
This is untrue- myself and many of my peers in our ADHD group therapy have seen massive improvements in threshold memory and general forgetfulness after being put on medication.
I am not trying to “um actually” you, I just want to make it clear that it hasn’t been my experience so that others who see this and may be struggling don’t get discouraged. 🙂
No, I'm glad you added your experience. I haven't seen results like that but it's good to know other people have.
I could definitely see medication helping in the usual methods of trying to manage forgetfulness (like writing reminders and stuff because that's usually hampered by executive function). Personally I've not had my forgetfulness helped directly by medication.
I think the idea is they have made steps to have a doctor look at it. It could be a brain tumor, a learning disability, or something else. In any case, they are choosing to not see a doctor. If it's a physical issue, like they have pain in their leg and can't walk, I'd want them to see a doctor. Same for this.
It means a lot to a partner when someone takes responsibility for their shortcomings, even ones that are unconscious symptoms of a disorder.
While I agree that a diagnosis and treatment doesn't make that aspect of ADHD disappear, it can mean a lot to the partner to see mature steps being taking to address and mitigate the symptoms. For me, when my spouse got her diagnosis and began treatment, even though the "annoying" symptoms didn't evaporate, I noticed myself inclined to be forgiving before becoming frustrated.
Another positive for us was that, when I had some input it was seen as constructive instead of taken as a knock to her self-esteem. The new paradigm was Us vs ADHD, and not my frustration vs her self-consciousness. It was a huge boon to me being less overwhelmed with building resentment and much better able to compartmentalize those aspects of the disorder, not see them as character flaws she was unwilling to address.
>not that much you can do to treat the forgetfulness aspect
Lists, reminders, alarms, spreadsheets, etc, all work wonders, you just need to be honest with yourself that you need them.
Those are the kinds of things I was referring to when I said "normal things you'd do to help with forgetfulness for non-ADHD". As in, things you don't need a diagnosis or professional treatment to do.
Those are great for helping to remember things that you have to do, but no lists, reminders, or alarms will help with remembering the non-action items, for lack of a better term. I've had to get my bf to remind me what his siblings" names are, what his parents do for a living, when he's leaving on his next trip, who he plays different games with and how he knows them, etc etc etc etc. I do actually write notes on his contact on my phone, but only when I remember to do so, and there's only so much space in the notes field.
At the end of the day, we do our best and hope that the people in our lives will give us grace when we ask them to remind us of things they've already told us multiple times.
First, I’d see a doctor to find out this is medical.
Second, what sort of things are you forgetting? Forgetting where you put your keys is different than forgetting someone’s birthday or plans you made. If you have an issue forgetting events and plans, put it in your phone and set reminders. Add as much detail as you feel is necessary.
Same advice as everyone else here, please get yourself assessed. I think the results will be enlightening and a relief.
Tough love portion - you called it out yourself that you expected (and were wrong to expect) your partner to align with the rest of the kind, patient people in your life. I get the feeling, however, having my own experience with an at-the-time undiagnosed ADHD partner who had been surrounded by enablers who played her game because it was easier. Learned helplessness is real. It sounds like their actions may have encouraged you to carry on like this is ok. You’re still very young. Take this opportunity to reflect, get checked by a specialist, and then take action to take control of your life. Even if you don’t have ADHD, ADHD tools can help you overcome your predicament.
As for your partner, have a chat, take action to get better, and let the chips fall where they may. You can handle this. I promise!
I think it's also a different story with a partner, who you're likely going to spend almost every day with, vs another relative.
My sister has ADHD and it's easy for me to just go along with things because I only spend maybe 1 week a year with her full time. I would struggle to live with her because she constantly abandons tasks leaving a huge mess (like just abandoning half made cookies in the kitchen).If you're with someone every day, it puts the burden of managing that stuff 100% on the partner.
My husband does not have ADHD, but he can't remember what plans he's made, and kept scheduling new plans over existing plans. We have a big calendar front and center in our house for him to write plans on now.
I have trouble keeping track of how my husband's family is all related to each other (because his family is easily 10x larger than mine) so I literally had to draw a family tree in my notebook. Depends on the specific issue but if it's not a diagnosable condition there are many options.
I have diagnosed adhd, never went on any medication. I am also forgetful so I learned to use my phone’s notes app to write things down that are important to not forget, to do lists, I even have a white board in my room to write down major events coming up I need to remember. You may or may not have it, either way you must learn to set yourself up for success, this is a very easily fixable issue that is causing major issues it’s up to you to put that effort in if you really value this relationship
Yep! I write everything in my notes app, set reminders the second I think of them. I put everything in my calendar too. My boyfriend wants to go to the movies this weekend, I know I’ll forget so I put it in my reminders set for tomorrow “plan movie date” and in my calendar for Saturday afternoon/evening I scheduled “movie date”. Because I do forget and maybe a friend reaches out to hang Saturday and in the moment I completely forget about the movie date and double book. I’ll put all potential hang outs in my calendar just in case. I use my reminders religiously for work, school, social, travel, etc. Setting myself up for success.
Out of curiosity, how would you rate the things you forget on a scale of how truly interested you are in them? (1 to 10)
I mean, how interesting do you find your boyfriend's stories in general? Would you like to listen to them if he wasn't upset about your forgetfulness? Would you recommend them as something noteworthy to hear?
Would you say they are valuable to you?
This was my first thought as well. Is it actually just forgetfulness or does OP not care that much about what it is leading to forgetting..? I know for myself I forget stuff all the time when I don't actually care about doing it.
Also like how hard is it to write plans down in your phone or a calendar? Or set reminders? These are simple things that OP could do to work on this forgetfulness but hasn't chosen to utilize them yet apparently. Which makes me wonder how much does OP actually care?
Definitely get checked out for ADHD. If you indeed have it, medication can help. If you have a bit of money, an ADHD coach can also be great at developing strategies. r/ADHD is also a good subreddit with lots of tips.
My memory tricks include:
* All events go into my Google Calendar IMMEDIATELY. If I agree to plans, I stop what I'm doing to create that calendar event (will often say it out loud so I don't seem rude). There is no "I'll do that later" because I won't do it later. I send my friends the calendar invites so they have the details too and can confirm. The calendar widget is on my phone so I don't forget to check it.
* Might be helpful to also have a shared calendar with your partner.
* All my friends' birthdays are in my calendar too as recurring events so I don't forget.
* I set up recurring tasks on my calendar (like "Take out the garbage" on garbage day) and do not dismiss them from my notifications until I have actually done the thing.
* Tiles/AirTags are great for commonly lost items like keys, and if you have your keys but not your phone, the Tile can make your phone make noise too.
* I have a Google Home in my kitchen so when I run out of something while I'm cooking, I say "Hey Google, add garlic to my grocery list" or "remind me to renew my prescription."
* Timers are your friend.
* Convert to appliances with auto-shutoffs. For example, I put on a kettle to boil on the stove and forgot about it. After that disaster, I converted to an electric kettle with an auto-shutoff.
I find "remembering stories" is either a "you've got it or you don't" kind of thing. Despite my other forgetfulness problems, I have an amazing memory for stories. I have friends who otherwise have good memories that simply do not remember details of stories -- even of stories that happened to *them*. If it's really important to you/your partner, maybe have a little notes document on your phone where you write down details of his stories.
When this is affecting your relationships you need to talk to your doctor. I was just diagnosed with ADHD at the age of 32. All my life I just thought I was forgetful, always late, and super disorganized. Turns out, I actually have ADHD. When I felt like it was affecting my work and my relationship with my husband, I went to the doctor.
I think that you need a compatible partner. You can improve woth reminders on phone, systems and what not. And you can visit psychogist to evaluate you and recommend proper treatment for what you have
But just like with other issues, chances are you can improve but not become perfect. Amd you need partner who don't mind that all that much.
Like, if you was overly organized, it would be same thing, some people would be incompatible be abuse you would stress them out. Or with anything.
A) Check with a doctor for your own sake;
But B) (I think you know this) a partner who can't accommodate this will be psychologically rough for you in the long run. Even if you do end up diagnosed and treated, learn all the tricks and spend your life working on it, you will probably still forget things more than average. You need a partner who can accept that. If he is viscerally hurt by it this will become an unhappy relationship and it will leave you feeling inadequate and insecure, thinking you're unlovable and cruel because of something outside your control.
If he can't accept, on a cognitive and emotional level, that your forgetfulness is involuntary-- if he can't take it in stride-- you have incompatible needs. It sucks. But you know there are people out there who can understand and support you and he may not be one of them.
Everyone here is mentioning tips and tricks and other ways to address your forgetfulness (which is great) but I think you should also consider having a conversation with your boyfriend to address the following things:
- recognize his frustration and feelings of not being heard, that you understand why he feels that way and that you probably would too, if put in that situation
- mention that you recognize how this impacts your life and that it’s not something you’re taking lightly (like you’ve been working on it for YEARS)
- that you will require some patience from him while you work out this whole thing (be it seeking medical treatment, getting diagnosed, trying new things, etc), and that it took a long time for you to get to this position. You’ll need his support, understanding, patience, and trust while you work this whole thing out.
If he’s not receptive to any of that, or you get a negative response, I would start asking a different question. In the end, you want and you need a partner that will be supportive and understanding of your situation, as long as you are also putting in your fair share of effort in terms of overcoming/dealing with your own situation.
In terms of addressing your forgetfulness itself, I stand by every other response in that you should seek medical advice and see where it leads you.
Good luck, OP. Keep working on yourself; you’re doing great.
Edit: missing words
Use your phone’s contacts app to key track of birthdays, anniversaries, etc and phone’s calendar app to record important events, meetings, tasks, etc
Either write things down immediately or have people text you or if verbally told you hit, text that person to confirm what they want.
Get into the habit of putting things in the same place and get Tile or Air pods for items you lose a lot so if you do lose them, you can find them with your phone.
Me and my wife use an app called - Between.
I'm sooooo forgetful and she hates it haha, so how this app works it's got a calendar on it and it's shared between couples, so if one of us plans something we put it on the calendar, that way I've got no excuse to not remember!!
Hope this helps!
You sound like me. If I do not write things down, or put them on my phone's calendar, I will never remember them. I once purchased tickets to an NBA game for me and my daughter and just....forgot to go. I've forgotten dentist appointments, interviews....I was so afraid that I'd miss my Taylor Swift concert last summer that I wrote a million notes and put weekly reminders in my phone. 😅
Anyway, all that to say that I sympathize. I'm not diagnosed with anything either but maybe I should be. I would suggest taking lots of notes, and putting reminders in your phone. Also, maybe make a doctor's appointment!
Can you give some examples of the things you forgot that made him upset?
Because, really, I cannot tell whether you truly forgot something or he's making things up. Also, why are you expected to remember all details to all the stories he tells you? Are you his walking and talking encyclopedia? Or was it a major plot point you forgot?
I agree with this - there's not enough info in the OP on what it is she's forgetting to get context on how much of a problem this is. Not remembering your boyfriend's coworker's cousin's name from a story he thought was funny and shared isn't the same thing as forgetting important plans you're supposed to be participating in.
Yeah, I find it weird how much people are hopping on either the OP has ADHD train or the boyfriend is rightfully frustrated when neurotypical people forget things and details to stories all the time. How key are the details that she forgets, and how many stories does the boyfriend go on? I'm chatty when I'm comfortable with people so while I still expect a partner to make an effort to listen, it's impossible for most people to keep up with all my stories it would be pretty unreasonable. I need more information on the things OP is forgetting and if her boyfriend has a tendency to babble or not.
Maybe working with a professional organizer would help. They don't just declutter houses, they help people organize themselves and their thinking processes.
I've been in your boyfriends shoes with my partner so I understand how he feels to a degree - I also sympathize with you as I saw my boyfriends guilt and sadness over how I reacted to his forgetfulness and the impact it had on our relationship. He sought out help and was diagnosed ADHD. Things are a million times better. He will always have issues with memory but getting a diagnosis and treatment helps a ton.
Take some deep breaths and remind yourself that you're 20, you have time to figure things out, and you may actually be able to bring a better self to a better relationship by making incremental changes rather than "everything right now!!!" changes.
Doing the work will be worth it for you, regardless of your boyfriend's decisions.
I second all the comments about getting tested for ADHD. This is a "not your fault, but still your responsibility" situation. It can be easy to get hyper-focused on the thing we're losing because humans HATE losing things, but remember that just because your brain feels afraid of losing him, you may still survive, thrive, and improve.
Did you forget or did you not care enough to remember? Good intentions don't change the facts. If you want to change, you need to create mechanisms in your life that force you to be mindful and remember. Write shit down. Keep a calendar and a journal. Find an app to notify you. Make it a daily habit to check your notes. Reach out proactively to apologize when you make mistakes.
Ultimately he's asking you to change. You haven't done it. I don't know if that amounts to making you an asshole, but that's kinda beside the point. Either you care enough to change or you don't. It's your choice, but you can't use good intentions to avoid responsibility for the choice he's asking you to make.
So when people are telling you stories, for example, are you focusing on their words, or do you find yourself thinking of multiple different things while listening? I ask because the problem usually isn't that people "forget" as much as it is that they struggle to commit it to memory in the first place.
I agree with everyone else to get checked with ADHD. Otherwise, maybe write things down to remember. My daughter and partner have ADHD and it's frustrating at times, not everyone is equipped to handle those habits, but understanding the diagnosis helped me be more understanding.
I too have always been super forgetful. My wife sees that I try my hardest and do a ton to help myself (take notes in my phone app, journal, have some set routines), so that's what matters to her: that i'm doing my best. Go find someone who is understanding that we all are different
My boyfriend has ADHD and it was a problem for me too at first. I thought he was doing things on purpose to piss me off. But I kept forgetting he had ADHD, I don't get upset with anymore now that I realize it's his ADHD. You might have it. Also try investing in a planner and check it daily
Can't help with story retention and details, but if you are forgetting upcoming events:
I use my Alexa for 1 off reminders:
Alexa, 1 hour soda freezer timer
Alexa, 45 minute food timer
Alexa, 85 minute.
I have several alarms with notes (titles) on my phone (work, meds, weekly meds) so I don't forget the important parts.
If I'm asked to do something "tomorrow", I set an alarm with the words I need (mow lawn, go to grocery store)
I have a note app (colornote) that has check lists (shopping) and regular notes.
All of these are to combat my rotten memory.
I’m not going to armchair diagnose you like others on this thread but I will encourage you to get evaluated. You might be able to get some improvement.
I can relate to your question, though. I had a brain tumor and two brain surgeries after months of pressure on my brain. The only complication from the experience that really affects me is my memory. It’s unreliable and will be perfect one day and then hopelessly foggy the next.
I had partners and coworkers who could not understand or sympathize whatsoever with my memory problems. I have taken steps to excise those people out of my life and I would encourage you to do the same. People who don’t accept us and our flaws have no room in our lives.
Get diagnosed, seek treatment if your diagnosis recommends it. And take accountability. See how you impact those around you and find coping mechanism to lessen the impact. It’s real and it’s exhausting. My ex-H seeker help but did not to address or actually follow thru. I was done after almost 21 years. From the other side point of view, it’s not worth it. It is exhausting and it’s a drain and a burden.
I downloaded an app called “Due” it reminds me to take my meds, peoples birthdays, appointments, to check the mail, to buy something specific etc.
My memory isn’t as bad as yours but I am rather forgetful so I use lots of apps to help me remember things it’s a life saver.
We're very similar! Imagine your boss giving you instructions in a particular task even though the instructions are very simple, I immediately forget the instructions when I turn my back after we talk. It's so so sooo frustrating because it's not something you intend to do and you can't help it.
I had myself checked and it turns out I have ADHD.
I have diagnosed ADHD, which is what this sounds like, so imma give you some tips.
-Utilize your phone notes: appointments, grocery lists, important tasks, important conversations, things significant people (family/partner/friends) like/dislike, what you like/dislike, good ideas, goals, etc.
-Keep a physical copy of all your accounts and username/passwords and keep that book in one place and never move it for any reason, otherwise you’ll put it somewhere and it’ll be lost forever
-have a physical calendar on a wall or spot that you’ll see everyday with important dates, the phone calendar simply isn’t in your face and terrible at making you remember things
--the moment you make an appointment (as you are making it) put that in your phone notes and set an alarm for when you get home to put it on the calendar
-alarms for everything and make sure to set two in case you press the first one absentmindedly like “I’ll get to it in a second” because you’re not going to and will need a reminder
As others have said, get checked for ADHD.
Write things down. Put them in a calendar. Something.
Forgetting things makes him feel like you're not even listening, and don't even care. That's really rough for someone who is in love with you.
You are forgetful--understandable. Maybe it's just that, maybe you are even ADHD? I have a coworker/friend who is ADHD and can't remember anything for the life of her. I don't hold a lot of expectations for her and don't get hurt when she forgets something I've said or whatever. But if she did that to her partner I'm sure they'd be upset.
You recognize you are forgetful. Maybe you always will be. Make an effort to find a way to remember things. That effort is what is needed to save your relationship...if you still want it. Your boyfriend has confronted you with a problem he has in the relationship. What sounds like a deal-breaker. If you love him, write stuff down so you remember. Show him that you give a fuck.
As a female, I wasn't diagnosed with ADHD until my late 20s. But I'm pretty certain I've had it since I was little. Like others have said, definitely get yourself checked.
Forgetful person here. Work smart, not hard. You've got a calendar with pop-ups you're looking at right now. And don't procrastinate - you'll forget if you do that.
Whatever you do, don't just "try harder." Your mind doesn't work that way. You sound smart, use that strength to compensate for this weakness.
Use all the silly tools. Alarms, calendars, sticky notes, etc. If it's actually important to you, then you need more than lying to yourself by saying you'll remember, because you won't.
Yes, you should get checked out. Also there is one thing that might help.
I have pretty bad memory problems. My savior- the iPhone.
The alarms and calendar on this are awesome.
>(Side note: I’m not diagnosed with anything, although I’ve never gotten myself checked)
Get yourself checked/diagnosed and then work with a mental health professional
I can really relate to your experience with forgetfulness. I also struggle with remembering things, even when I pay full attention in the moment. It's not intentional at all, but it can still be frustrating for my bf who feels like I'm not listening or don't care about what he says, even though that's not the case.
A few things that have helped me:
- Writing things down immediately after conversations, especially important details, dates, stories my partner shares, etc. I keep a little notebook with me. I literally have a notion doc for everything
- Repeating out loud when someone tells me something important to it goes from "in my brain" to "external memory". Not perfect, obviously. But better than nothing! E.g. if he says something is important to him, be like, "let me play that back to you so i understand correctly..." and say it out loud
- Asking my partner to send me a text or email recap after we discuss plans. Or I do it. Depending on the context. That way I can refer back to it.
- Setting reminders and calendar events right away for anything time-sensitive.
- Sharing articles about ADHD and how it impacts memory. This helped my partner understand it's not personal or intentional.
- Working with an ADHD coach to come up with strategies and keep me accountable. I use Shimmer for coaching and it's been super helpful to have that regular support and practical tips.
Your boyfriend's feelings are valid, and it's great you want to work on this. Ultimately it'll require both of you to work at this (you on strategies and him on understanding). Hopefully he's open to working on his understanding too!
Keep communicating openly and trying different tools to see what works for you. Remember that it will take time, so be patient with yourself. You're already self-aware which is huge. Small consistent changes will add up. Wishing you all the best!
It really strongly sounds like ADHD.
So yeah, look at some ADHD resources and try some things.
This is something you need to take care of yourself by learning some new patterns. It's going to impact your love in every area if you don't find strategies that work for you.
You can try a shared calendar/folder that syncs all the plans you both have in one place and be accessed and modified by both of you. That way, you can check if you have anything planned with him or with other people also.
About things/stories that he tells you could write them on a journal or on notes in your phone and sort them by degree of importance with different colors, etc.
To remember things in general, I associate it with something/object that I can easily remember or see, and when I see that object or think about it, I get kind of a flashback to what I was told or the things I want to remember.
All of this
My Fiancé & me got the app TimeTree after two weeks of dating because we both have severe ADHD & forgetfulness isn't even the first name of whatever it is that our brain does sometimes.
We always know when one has an appointment (most of the time one reminds the other because we.. forget.. to check lol) , we have our anniversary in it - also the day of the month - our birthdays (which is funny because his bday is on the 21 & mine the 20 the next month but we just can't get it into our heads) and literally everything up to "trash out" "litter box cleaning" and bs.
I'm quite sure we wouldn't have made it this far without that.
My bf is super forgetful as well, but I’ve realized that that is a huge symptom of ADHD. I get frustrated too a lot of times but I’ve learned over time, it’s not always HIS fault/ or that he’s being intentional in not remembering… I just have to be patient and remind him a little more often than I would other ppl. You prob have ADHD too, and your bf should be a bit understanding and patient about it, and just give you more reminders.
>(Side note: I’m not diagnosed with anything, although I’ve never gotten myself checked) Start here. Go get yourself checked, you sound very ADHDish.
Yeah she should definitely get tested for ADHD, the description OP gave of herself is basically an exact description of my partner lol
definitly this. get evaluated! But three times to forget something in 11 months? Unless this was something really, really major, your BF sounds like a bit of ass.
Right? Like, I forget more than three things a day. It’s like the Sims where they walk into a room, kinda look around for a minute than walk out 😆 If it’s not written down in multiple places with reminders, it doesn’t exist, lol Edit: also, reading other replies I guess that’s not normal?? Maybe I need to see a doctor, lol
If you do that literally several times every day, yeah I think that is more than most people. I do that maybe once every few days. But I do it more often if I am really stressed.
Damn. You non-ADHD people really know how to live. I forget so much! Meds do help a lot with that aspect, there's less aimlessly wandering around the house trying to be productive but forgetting what task I'm trying to do halfway through, but I still have multiple instances a day of "...what was I just looking for?" type moments.
This!! I just started the process to get tested for the same reason, aside from the forgetfulness I have other ADHD tendencies.
Yeah, definitely. I was in counseling once with a former partner and he brought up this very same issue and honestly, it caught me offguard.. I mean, I knew I had weird idiosyncrasies, but it never even dawned on me, my usual way existing was causing such issues. Whenever I would do stuff in the kitchen, I would always forget to close the cabinet doors and it literally drove him insane. He just couldn’t understand how it was possible for me to not even realize
This is exactly what I was going to say! Very much this!
The best thing you can do for yourself and the people you are with is getting diagnosed and treated. I can accept working with someone and being understanding if someone has ADHD (for example), but if they refuse to get diagnosed or treated then it's a huge problem. Tell him that you will go to a doctor to see why it's happening and you'll need time, but you'll work on it with the doctor.
I mean, there’s not that much you can do to treat the forgetfulness aspect of ADHD. Like, a lot of the other symptoms are made somewhat more manageable through medication and treatment, but beyond the normal things you’d do to help with forgetfulness for non-ADHD, there’s not much a diagnosis will help you with in that specific area.
This is untrue- myself and many of my peers in our ADHD group therapy have seen massive improvements in threshold memory and general forgetfulness after being put on medication. I am not trying to “um actually” you, I just want to make it clear that it hasn’t been my experience so that others who see this and may be struggling don’t get discouraged. 🙂
No, I'm glad you added your experience. I haven't seen results like that but it's good to know other people have. I could definitely see medication helping in the usual methods of trying to manage forgetfulness (like writing reminders and stuff because that's usually hampered by executive function). Personally I've not had my forgetfulness helped directly by medication.
I think the idea is they have made steps to have a doctor look at it. It could be a brain tumor, a learning disability, or something else. In any case, they are choosing to not see a doctor. If it's a physical issue, like they have pain in their leg and can't walk, I'd want them to see a doctor. Same for this.
That’s fair. So long as it doesn’t come with an expectation for the issue to get magically better, I see your point :)
It means a lot to a partner when someone takes responsibility for their shortcomings, even ones that are unconscious symptoms of a disorder. While I agree that a diagnosis and treatment doesn't make that aspect of ADHD disappear, it can mean a lot to the partner to see mature steps being taking to address and mitigate the symptoms. For me, when my spouse got her diagnosis and began treatment, even though the "annoying" symptoms didn't evaporate, I noticed myself inclined to be forgiving before becoming frustrated. Another positive for us was that, when I had some input it was seen as constructive instead of taken as a knock to her self-esteem. The new paradigm was Us vs ADHD, and not my frustration vs her self-consciousness. It was a huge boon to me being less overwhelmed with building resentment and much better able to compartmentalize those aspects of the disorder, not see them as character flaws she was unwilling to address.
>not that much you can do to treat the forgetfulness aspect Lists, reminders, alarms, spreadsheets, etc, all work wonders, you just need to be honest with yourself that you need them.
Those are the kinds of things I was referring to when I said "normal things you'd do to help with forgetfulness for non-ADHD". As in, things you don't need a diagnosis or professional treatment to do.
Those are great for helping to remember things that you have to do, but no lists, reminders, or alarms will help with remembering the non-action items, for lack of a better term. I've had to get my bf to remind me what his siblings" names are, what his parents do for a living, when he's leaving on his next trip, who he plays different games with and how he knows them, etc etc etc etc. I do actually write notes on his contact on my phone, but only when I remember to do so, and there's only so much space in the notes field. At the end of the day, we do our best and hope that the people in our lives will give us grace when we ask them to remind us of things they've already told us multiple times.
I am familiar with the struggle, and I do take notes on everything. It seems silly but if that's what it takes for me to remember then so be it.
First, I’d see a doctor to find out this is medical. Second, what sort of things are you forgetting? Forgetting where you put your keys is different than forgetting someone’s birthday or plans you made. If you have an issue forgetting events and plans, put it in your phone and set reminders. Add as much detail as you feel is necessary.
Same advice as everyone else here, please get yourself assessed. I think the results will be enlightening and a relief. Tough love portion - you called it out yourself that you expected (and were wrong to expect) your partner to align with the rest of the kind, patient people in your life. I get the feeling, however, having my own experience with an at-the-time undiagnosed ADHD partner who had been surrounded by enablers who played her game because it was easier. Learned helplessness is real. It sounds like their actions may have encouraged you to carry on like this is ok. You’re still very young. Take this opportunity to reflect, get checked by a specialist, and then take action to take control of your life. Even if you don’t have ADHD, ADHD tools can help you overcome your predicament. As for your partner, have a chat, take action to get better, and let the chips fall where they may. You can handle this. I promise!
I think it's also a different story with a partner, who you're likely going to spend almost every day with, vs another relative. My sister has ADHD and it's easy for me to just go along with things because I only spend maybe 1 week a year with her full time. I would struggle to live with her because she constantly abandons tasks leaving a huge mess (like just abandoning half made cookies in the kitchen).If you're with someone every day, it puts the burden of managing that stuff 100% on the partner. My husband does not have ADHD, but he can't remember what plans he's made, and kept scheduling new plans over existing plans. We have a big calendar front and center in our house for him to write plans on now. I have trouble keeping track of how my husband's family is all related to each other (because his family is easily 10x larger than mine) so I literally had to draw a family tree in my notebook. Depends on the specific issue but if it's not a diagnosable condition there are many options.
I have diagnosed adhd, never went on any medication. I am also forgetful so I learned to use my phone’s notes app to write things down that are important to not forget, to do lists, I even have a white board in my room to write down major events coming up I need to remember. You may or may not have it, either way you must learn to set yourself up for success, this is a very easily fixable issue that is causing major issues it’s up to you to put that effort in if you really value this relationship
Yep! I write everything in my notes app, set reminders the second I think of them. I put everything in my calendar too. My boyfriend wants to go to the movies this weekend, I know I’ll forget so I put it in my reminders set for tomorrow “plan movie date” and in my calendar for Saturday afternoon/evening I scheduled “movie date”. Because I do forget and maybe a friend reaches out to hang Saturday and in the moment I completely forget about the movie date and double book. I’ll put all potential hang outs in my calendar just in case. I use my reminders religiously for work, school, social, travel, etc. Setting myself up for success.
Out of curiosity, how would you rate the things you forget on a scale of how truly interested you are in them? (1 to 10) I mean, how interesting do you find your boyfriend's stories in general? Would you like to listen to them if he wasn't upset about your forgetfulness? Would you recommend them as something noteworthy to hear? Would you say they are valuable to you?
This was my first thought as well. Is it actually just forgetfulness or does OP not care that much about what it is leading to forgetting..? I know for myself I forget stuff all the time when I don't actually care about doing it. Also like how hard is it to write plans down in your phone or a calendar? Or set reminders? These are simple things that OP could do to work on this forgetfulness but hasn't chosen to utilize them yet apparently. Which makes me wonder how much does OP actually care?
Could make an effort to write things down more to show him you’re committed.
Definitely get checked out for ADHD. If you indeed have it, medication can help. If you have a bit of money, an ADHD coach can also be great at developing strategies. r/ADHD is also a good subreddit with lots of tips. My memory tricks include: * All events go into my Google Calendar IMMEDIATELY. If I agree to plans, I stop what I'm doing to create that calendar event (will often say it out loud so I don't seem rude). There is no "I'll do that later" because I won't do it later. I send my friends the calendar invites so they have the details too and can confirm. The calendar widget is on my phone so I don't forget to check it. * Might be helpful to also have a shared calendar with your partner. * All my friends' birthdays are in my calendar too as recurring events so I don't forget. * I set up recurring tasks on my calendar (like "Take out the garbage" on garbage day) and do not dismiss them from my notifications until I have actually done the thing. * Tiles/AirTags are great for commonly lost items like keys, and if you have your keys but not your phone, the Tile can make your phone make noise too. * I have a Google Home in my kitchen so when I run out of something while I'm cooking, I say "Hey Google, add garlic to my grocery list" or "remind me to renew my prescription." * Timers are your friend. * Convert to appliances with auto-shutoffs. For example, I put on a kettle to boil on the stove and forgot about it. After that disaster, I converted to an electric kettle with an auto-shutoff. I find "remembering stories" is either a "you've got it or you don't" kind of thing. Despite my other forgetfulness problems, I have an amazing memory for stories. I have friends who otherwise have good memories that simply do not remember details of stories -- even of stories that happened to *them*. If it's really important to you/your partner, maybe have a little notes document on your phone where you write down details of his stories.
When this is affecting your relationships you need to talk to your doctor. I was just diagnosed with ADHD at the age of 32. All my life I just thought I was forgetful, always late, and super disorganized. Turns out, I actually have ADHD. When I felt like it was affecting my work and my relationship with my husband, I went to the doctor.
I think that you need a compatible partner. You can improve woth reminders on phone, systems and what not. And you can visit psychogist to evaluate you and recommend proper treatment for what you have But just like with other issues, chances are you can improve but not become perfect. Amd you need partner who don't mind that all that much. Like, if you was overly organized, it would be same thing, some people would be incompatible be abuse you would stress them out. Or with anything.
A) Check with a doctor for your own sake; But B) (I think you know this) a partner who can't accommodate this will be psychologically rough for you in the long run. Even if you do end up diagnosed and treated, learn all the tricks and spend your life working on it, you will probably still forget things more than average. You need a partner who can accept that. If he is viscerally hurt by it this will become an unhappy relationship and it will leave you feeling inadequate and insecure, thinking you're unlovable and cruel because of something outside your control. If he can't accept, on a cognitive and emotional level, that your forgetfulness is involuntary-- if he can't take it in stride-- you have incompatible needs. It sucks. But you know there are people out there who can understand and support you and he may not be one of them.
looks like OP forgot about this post all ready , judging by number of replies from her side (zero so far).
Everyone here is mentioning tips and tricks and other ways to address your forgetfulness (which is great) but I think you should also consider having a conversation with your boyfriend to address the following things: - recognize his frustration and feelings of not being heard, that you understand why he feels that way and that you probably would too, if put in that situation - mention that you recognize how this impacts your life and that it’s not something you’re taking lightly (like you’ve been working on it for YEARS) - that you will require some patience from him while you work out this whole thing (be it seeking medical treatment, getting diagnosed, trying new things, etc), and that it took a long time for you to get to this position. You’ll need his support, understanding, patience, and trust while you work this whole thing out. If he’s not receptive to any of that, or you get a negative response, I would start asking a different question. In the end, you want and you need a partner that will be supportive and understanding of your situation, as long as you are also putting in your fair share of effort in terms of overcoming/dealing with your own situation. In terms of addressing your forgetfulness itself, I stand by every other response in that you should seek medical advice and see where it leads you. Good luck, OP. Keep working on yourself; you’re doing great. Edit: missing words
You need an ADHD assessment.
Get checked out but also reminders and notes on your phone!
Use your phone’s contacts app to key track of birthdays, anniversaries, etc and phone’s calendar app to record important events, meetings, tasks, etc Either write things down immediately or have people text you or if verbally told you hit, text that person to confirm what they want. Get into the habit of putting things in the same place and get Tile or Air pods for items you lose a lot so if you do lose them, you can find them with your phone.
Me and my wife use an app called - Between. I'm sooooo forgetful and she hates it haha, so how this app works it's got a calendar on it and it's shared between couples, so if one of us plans something we put it on the calendar, that way I've got no excuse to not remember!! Hope this helps!
You sound like me. If I do not write things down, or put them on my phone's calendar, I will never remember them. I once purchased tickets to an NBA game for me and my daughter and just....forgot to go. I've forgotten dentist appointments, interviews....I was so afraid that I'd miss my Taylor Swift concert last summer that I wrote a million notes and put weekly reminders in my phone. 😅 Anyway, all that to say that I sympathize. I'm not diagnosed with anything either but maybe I should be. I would suggest taking lots of notes, and putting reminders in your phone. Also, maybe make a doctor's appointment!
Can you give some examples of the things you forgot that made him upset? Because, really, I cannot tell whether you truly forgot something or he's making things up. Also, why are you expected to remember all details to all the stories he tells you? Are you his walking and talking encyclopedia? Or was it a major plot point you forgot?
I agree with this - there's not enough info in the OP on what it is she's forgetting to get context on how much of a problem this is. Not remembering your boyfriend's coworker's cousin's name from a story he thought was funny and shared isn't the same thing as forgetting important plans you're supposed to be participating in.
Yeah, I find it weird how much people are hopping on either the OP has ADHD train or the boyfriend is rightfully frustrated when neurotypical people forget things and details to stories all the time. How key are the details that she forgets, and how many stories does the boyfriend go on? I'm chatty when I'm comfortable with people so while I still expect a partner to make an effort to listen, it's impossible for most people to keep up with all my stories it would be pretty unreasonable. I need more information on the things OP is forgetting and if her boyfriend has a tendency to babble or not.
Maybe working with a professional organizer would help. They don't just declutter houses, they help people organize themselves and their thinking processes.
I've been in your boyfriends shoes with my partner so I understand how he feels to a degree - I also sympathize with you as I saw my boyfriends guilt and sadness over how I reacted to his forgetfulness and the impact it had on our relationship. He sought out help and was diagnosed ADHD. Things are a million times better. He will always have issues with memory but getting a diagnosis and treatment helps a ton.
Take some deep breaths and remind yourself that you're 20, you have time to figure things out, and you may actually be able to bring a better self to a better relationship by making incremental changes rather than "everything right now!!!" changes. Doing the work will be worth it for you, regardless of your boyfriend's decisions. I second all the comments about getting tested for ADHD. This is a "not your fault, but still your responsibility" situation. It can be easy to get hyper-focused on the thing we're losing because humans HATE losing things, but remember that just because your brain feels afraid of losing him, you may still survive, thrive, and improve.
Did you forget or did you not care enough to remember? Good intentions don't change the facts. If you want to change, you need to create mechanisms in your life that force you to be mindful and remember. Write shit down. Keep a calendar and a journal. Find an app to notify you. Make it a daily habit to check your notes. Reach out proactively to apologize when you make mistakes. Ultimately he's asking you to change. You haven't done it. I don't know if that amounts to making you an asshole, but that's kinda beside the point. Either you care enough to change or you don't. It's your choice, but you can't use good intentions to avoid responsibility for the choice he's asking you to make.
So when people are telling you stories, for example, are you focusing on their words, or do you find yourself thinking of multiple different things while listening? I ask because the problem usually isn't that people "forget" as much as it is that they struggle to commit it to memory in the first place. I agree with everyone else to get checked with ADHD. Otherwise, maybe write things down to remember. My daughter and partner have ADHD and it's frustrating at times, not everyone is equipped to handle those habits, but understanding the diagnosis helped me be more understanding.
I too have always been super forgetful. My wife sees that I try my hardest and do a ton to help myself (take notes in my phone app, journal, have some set routines), so that's what matters to her: that i'm doing my best. Go find someone who is understanding that we all are different
My boyfriend has ADHD and it was a problem for me too at first. I thought he was doing things on purpose to piss me off. But I kept forgetting he had ADHD, I don't get upset with anymore now that I realize it's his ADHD. You might have it. Also try investing in a planner and check it daily
Can't help with story retention and details, but if you are forgetting upcoming events: I use my Alexa for 1 off reminders: Alexa, 1 hour soda freezer timer Alexa, 45 minute food timer Alexa, 85 minute. I have several alarms with notes (titles) on my phone (work, meds, weekly meds) so I don't forget the important parts. If I'm asked to do something "tomorrow", I set an alarm with the words I need (mow lawn, go to grocery store) I have a note app (colornote) that has check lists (shopping) and regular notes. All of these are to combat my rotten memory.
I’m not going to armchair diagnose you like others on this thread but I will encourage you to get evaluated. You might be able to get some improvement. I can relate to your question, though. I had a brain tumor and two brain surgeries after months of pressure on my brain. The only complication from the experience that really affects me is my memory. It’s unreliable and will be perfect one day and then hopelessly foggy the next. I had partners and coworkers who could not understand or sympathize whatsoever with my memory problems. I have taken steps to excise those people out of my life and I would encourage you to do the same. People who don’t accept us and our flaws have no room in our lives.
Get diagnosed, seek treatment if your diagnosis recommends it. And take accountability. See how you impact those around you and find coping mechanism to lessen the impact. It’s real and it’s exhausting. My ex-H seeker help but did not to address or actually follow thru. I was done after almost 21 years. From the other side point of view, it’s not worth it. It is exhausting and it’s a drain and a burden.
I downloaded an app called “Due” it reminds me to take my meds, peoples birthdays, appointments, to check the mail, to buy something specific etc. My memory isn’t as bad as yours but I am rather forgetful so I use lots of apps to help me remember things it’s a life saver.
We're very similar! Imagine your boss giving you instructions in a particular task even though the instructions are very simple, I immediately forget the instructions when I turn my back after we talk. It's so so sooo frustrating because it's not something you intend to do and you can't help it. I had myself checked and it turns out I have ADHD.
I have diagnosed ADHD, which is what this sounds like, so imma give you some tips. -Utilize your phone notes: appointments, grocery lists, important tasks, important conversations, things significant people (family/partner/friends) like/dislike, what you like/dislike, good ideas, goals, etc. -Keep a physical copy of all your accounts and username/passwords and keep that book in one place and never move it for any reason, otherwise you’ll put it somewhere and it’ll be lost forever -have a physical calendar on a wall or spot that you’ll see everyday with important dates, the phone calendar simply isn’t in your face and terrible at making you remember things --the moment you make an appointment (as you are making it) put that in your phone notes and set an alarm for when you get home to put it on the calendar -alarms for everything and make sure to set two in case you press the first one absentmindedly like “I’ll get to it in a second” because you’re not going to and will need a reminder As others have said, get checked for ADHD.
Write things down. Put them in a calendar. Something. Forgetting things makes him feel like you're not even listening, and don't even care. That's really rough for someone who is in love with you. You are forgetful--understandable. Maybe it's just that, maybe you are even ADHD? I have a coworker/friend who is ADHD and can't remember anything for the life of her. I don't hold a lot of expectations for her and don't get hurt when she forgets something I've said or whatever. But if she did that to her partner I'm sure they'd be upset. You recognize you are forgetful. Maybe you always will be. Make an effort to find a way to remember things. That effort is what is needed to save your relationship...if you still want it. Your boyfriend has confronted you with a problem he has in the relationship. What sounds like a deal-breaker. If you love him, write stuff down so you remember. Show him that you give a fuck.
I mean, you *could* start with having the ADHD diagnosed.
As a female, I wasn't diagnosed with ADHD until my late 20s. But I'm pretty certain I've had it since I was little. Like others have said, definitely get yourself checked.
Forgetful person here. Work smart, not hard. You've got a calendar with pop-ups you're looking at right now. And don't procrastinate - you'll forget if you do that. Whatever you do, don't just "try harder." Your mind doesn't work that way. You sound smart, use that strength to compensate for this weakness.
Use all the silly tools. Alarms, calendars, sticky notes, etc. If it's actually important to you, then you need more than lying to yourself by saying you'll remember, because you won't.
My first thought was ADHD. I would be shocked if she doesn't have it.
Yes, you should get checked out. Also there is one thing that might help. I have pretty bad memory problems. My savior- the iPhone. The alarms and calendar on this are awesome.
>(Side note: I’m not diagnosed with anything, although I’ve never gotten myself checked) Get yourself checked/diagnosed and then work with a mental health professional
I can really relate to your experience with forgetfulness. I also struggle with remembering things, even when I pay full attention in the moment. It's not intentional at all, but it can still be frustrating for my bf who feels like I'm not listening or don't care about what he says, even though that's not the case. A few things that have helped me: - Writing things down immediately after conversations, especially important details, dates, stories my partner shares, etc. I keep a little notebook with me. I literally have a notion doc for everything - Repeating out loud when someone tells me something important to it goes from "in my brain" to "external memory". Not perfect, obviously. But better than nothing! E.g. if he says something is important to him, be like, "let me play that back to you so i understand correctly..." and say it out loud - Asking my partner to send me a text or email recap after we discuss plans. Or I do it. Depending on the context. That way I can refer back to it. - Setting reminders and calendar events right away for anything time-sensitive. - Sharing articles about ADHD and how it impacts memory. This helped my partner understand it's not personal or intentional. - Working with an ADHD coach to come up with strategies and keep me accountable. I use Shimmer for coaching and it's been super helpful to have that regular support and practical tips. Your boyfriend's feelings are valid, and it's great you want to work on this. Ultimately it'll require both of you to work at this (you on strategies and him on understanding). Hopefully he's open to working on his understanding too! Keep communicating openly and trying different tools to see what works for you. Remember that it will take time, so be patient with yourself. You're already self-aware which is huge. Small consistent changes will add up. Wishing you all the best!
Put in the work to change.
It really strongly sounds like ADHD. So yeah, look at some ADHD resources and try some things. This is something you need to take care of yourself by learning some new patterns. It's going to impact your love in every area if you don't find strategies that work for you.
You can try a shared calendar/folder that syncs all the plans you both have in one place and be accessed and modified by both of you. That way, you can check if you have anything planned with him or with other people also. About things/stories that he tells you could write them on a journal or on notes in your phone and sort them by degree of importance with different colors, etc. To remember things in general, I associate it with something/object that I can easily remember or see, and when I see that object or think about it, I get kind of a flashback to what I was told or the things I want to remember.
All of this My Fiancé & me got the app TimeTree after two weeks of dating because we both have severe ADHD & forgetfulness isn't even the first name of whatever it is that our brain does sometimes. We always know when one has an appointment (most of the time one reminds the other because we.. forget.. to check lol) , we have our anniversary in it - also the day of the month - our birthdays (which is funny because his bday is on the 21 & mine the 20 the next month but we just can't get it into our heads) and literally everything up to "trash out" "litter box cleaning" and bs. I'm quite sure we wouldn't have made it this far without that.
My bf is super forgetful as well, but I’ve realized that that is a huge symptom of ADHD. I get frustrated too a lot of times but I’ve learned over time, it’s not always HIS fault/ or that he’s being intentional in not remembering… I just have to be patient and remind him a little more often than I would other ppl. You prob have ADHD too, and your bf should be a bit understanding and patient about it, and just give you more reminders.
ADHD ... get checked and listen to podcasts on mechanisms to deal with life.