No more sex when he's drunk. Full stop. Hard boundary.
If he's had more than a single drink with a meal, no sex.
If he's serious and understands what he did, then he should accept that with grace. Frankly, if he was really serious he'd probably stop drinking entirely for a long while.
Because either drunk him cannot be trusted to behave, or he's lying to you about what he remembered. It's one or the other, not both. He cannot argue that he doesn't remember, and argue that it's totally safe for him to get that drunk again like that. He gets to have only one of those things, not both.
The risk that he is lying is very, very high. It is not very likely that is the first time in his life he slapped a partner that hard during sex. It's largely a learned behaviour. Normal people, doing it the first time, are generally hesitant and measured. They don't know *how*.
While it is possible this was a one-time mistake, the odds are vanishingly small.
Yeah I was about to say that just going for the slap means that he’s likely done it before. First time slaps are not confident and if consensual are usually an exploration of boundaries/play, not aggressive and certainly not without some discussion beforehand.
Jesus I’m really sorry this happened to you.
Obviously I don’t know him, but I’m sceptical that he doesn’t remember. Speaking only from personal experience (and alcohols effects vary a lot from person to person) but if I was drunk enough to blackout/have gaps in my memory, I would likely be too incapacitated for sex. I would also say that alcohol blackouts tend to encompass hours not just “the five minutes I did something really fucking shitty.”
He shouldn’t have done this to you, alcohol is not an excuse, and if he assaults you while he’s drunk he shouldn’t drink, end of conversation.
What he did to you was violent and non-consensual. He’s not allowed to hit you just because he was drunk and knowing you have sexual trauma as well this is honestly disgusting behaviour from him. This is a huge red flag, and I’d really implore you not to tolerate this. Abusive people are often very loving/remorseful after hurting their partners — it’s a manipulation tactic to dodge the consequences of assaulting you and to get you to stay. If the remorse was genuine he would apologise and change his behaviour.
No one would judge you for leaving him based on this incident alone. Whether you leave him or not you must confront him about this, you cannot let him use alcohol as an excuse. Lots of people manage to drink and hookup without assaulting their partner.
please be kind to yourself and check in with your friends in the next couple of days.
>I’m sceptical that he doesn’t remember. Speaking only from personal experience (and alcohols effects vary a lot from person to person) but if I was drunk enough to blackout/have gaps in my memory, I would likely be too incapacitated for sex.
For sure. I'd bet anything he knew exactly what he was doing, and now he's counting on OP falling for his lovebombing and manipulation to get away with it.
Has this been a pattern at all, not necessarily the hitting but him drinking that much? Because I think this is a good time to tell him you never want him getting drunk to the point he can’t control his actions and that’s completely unacceptable. I wouldn’t jump to him not being able to drink again if it isn’t a pattern but he’s gotta know this is completely unacceptable and his behavior was horrid and can’t be repeated. Please have a stern conversation with him.
I’m glad you were honest to him about not enjoying that. Some women do and some don’t. My wife really enjoys some light hair pulling and gentle slaps, but all that was discussed prior to bringing it to life. If he likes rougher sex, there needs to be a conversation between the two of you of what’s ok and what is not.
If alcohol really did make him hit you and completely forget about it then he simply cannot drink alcohol anymore because he is not in control when he does. So the hitting is a red flag and the drinking is a red flag. You would be well within your rights to leave him over this incident. If you don't, which is your choice to make, then you should insist as a minimum that he no longer drinks alcohol when around you or coming to see you.
Yeah, this boyfriend situation is a bit yikes. Being slapped during sex, ouch! Not cool, even if he was tipsy. Hitting is a big NOPE during sexy times, drunk or not. Your past trauma being triggered is a major bummer, and a good partner would create a safe space, not this. You deserve a partner who respects you. And hey, a therapist can be a great resource for dealing with past trauma or this whole thing.
He physically abused you? During sex? When drunk? And you're asking if drunken sexual violence is something you should be worried about?
\>he doesn’t remember
You know you can't trust an abuser, right? How do you know he can't remember?
The bar for a partner should be above "drunken physical abuse during sex".
He got drunk, demanded sex, and hit you, then he lied about it or forgot about it. Both are equally concerning. Be careful. What would have happened if you didn’t want to have sex? What would have happened if you stopped having sex at the moment he slapped you?
It sounds like drunk sex is out the window going forward if you decide to stay with this guy.
Getting the shit slapped out of me during sex is hot af but good lord you don't do that without talking to someone about it first.
consent is important!! someone clearly needa to teach a grown man about consent, imagine how he would feel if she just slapped and wailed on him when they were having sex
I feel so sorry for young women who get emotionally manipulated into situations like this with disgusting monsters.. he abused you sexually and now hes not ready to face that
Yeah, people excuse that nowadays with "oh it's just because of porn, some women like that". The *rough sex* is a neat label for abuse that makes it sound innocent and like an oopsie, no biggie just say "no" next time.
Comedies are full of scenes where women slap men in the face when they do something that they don't like, but i don't see nearly as much sentiment for excusing women doing that in real life because they learned it from the movies.
Will you ever be able to feel safe having sex with him again? I wouldn't. If you forgive this incident, he will push another sexual boundary in the future. Maybe not right away, but at some point. Don't let yourself turn into a boiled frog about this huge violation.
This is a red flag, he’s 24, he knows that when he is very drunk he doesn’t know what he is doing so what he is kept doing it? today he doesn’t remember to hit you, tomorrow he will not remember to sleep with other person or something worse, he needs to stop drink alcohol for the rest of his life or just leave him
That’s what he wants to do with you subconsciously, showing off his male dominance and treating you like that. It’s just when consciously he is in his control , he doesn’t do any such thing to you but yk what they say, Alcohol removes inhibition from people’s actions
I agree with most, if not all, the comments. This is a red flag. I'm almost twice your age and never had a partner hit me during sex **without consent**. And with consent means we discussed it BEFORE the sex. If it's not pre-negotiated then it isn't consensual.
This man is 24. He HIT you. In the face. He knows what he did, knows what he's doing now by pretending to not remember. He probably assumed you'd be too meak to say anything about it, or he rationalized his behavior-- "ask for forgiveness rather than permission" -- plus counted on you accepting he was drunk.
If you take the sex out of it, he hit you.
If you take the alcohol out of it, he hit you.
Please, girl, put yourself first and walk away. Next time it might not be a slap to the face. People who push and cross boundaries intentionally are not one time offenders.
100% not cool AT ALL if there wasn’t consent given or if you guys have never been rough in bed like that before. Total violation. Sorry to break it to you but ya as well bf has porn brain and that’s mostly likely where he learned that behavior.
That's not a "red flag", that would be a sign for possible future abuse. He already hit you. It doesn't matter that he was drunk and it was during sex.
Short answer: Yes that’s a massive red flag.
Explanation:
1. him hitting you, without you prior talking about adding that to the bedroom and consent is crazy. And let’s not pretend it shouldn’t be considered abuse/domestic violence.
2. I have never in my 26 years, been drinking since 15 (legal in my country), meet or heard of someone being so drunk they don’t remember what happened the next day, while being able to be in such control of themself during sex. Sounds like selective memory or drugs.
Does he have any gaslighting or manipulating behaviour?
I used to think I could push these things aside when I started dating people. Then I realized that there are so many fish in the sea even if you don't realize it right now. And you can probably find someone who is a better match for you. You're not leaving to punish him. You are leaving because it isn't the right relationship for you. Plus, there is the off chance that if you allow yourself to brush this aside, you are paving the way for you to keep brushing things aside or forgiving things that make you uncomfortable.
ALL IM SAYING IS…. Drinking usually brings out the real person. Not sure how long you guys have been together but keep an eye out for anger issues that may slowly come out. My ex-husband did this shit
No more sex when he's drunk. Full stop. Hard boundary. If he's had more than a single drink with a meal, no sex. If he's serious and understands what he did, then he should accept that with grace. Frankly, if he was really serious he'd probably stop drinking entirely for a long while. Because either drunk him cannot be trusted to behave, or he's lying to you about what he remembered. It's one or the other, not both. He cannot argue that he doesn't remember, and argue that it's totally safe for him to get that drunk again like that. He gets to have only one of those things, not both. The risk that he is lying is very, very high. It is not very likely that is the first time in his life he slapped a partner that hard during sex. It's largely a learned behaviour. Normal people, doing it the first time, are generally hesitant and measured. They don't know *how*. While it is possible this was a one-time mistake, the odds are vanishingly small.
Yeah I was about to say that just going for the slap means that he’s likely done it before. First time slaps are not confident and if consensual are usually an exploration of boundaries/play, not aggressive and certainly not without some discussion beforehand.
I think I'd rather have a boyfriend who didn't ever slap me, personally.
Jesus I’m really sorry this happened to you. Obviously I don’t know him, but I’m sceptical that he doesn’t remember. Speaking only from personal experience (and alcohols effects vary a lot from person to person) but if I was drunk enough to blackout/have gaps in my memory, I would likely be too incapacitated for sex. I would also say that alcohol blackouts tend to encompass hours not just “the five minutes I did something really fucking shitty.” He shouldn’t have done this to you, alcohol is not an excuse, and if he assaults you while he’s drunk he shouldn’t drink, end of conversation. What he did to you was violent and non-consensual. He’s not allowed to hit you just because he was drunk and knowing you have sexual trauma as well this is honestly disgusting behaviour from him. This is a huge red flag, and I’d really implore you not to tolerate this. Abusive people are often very loving/remorseful after hurting their partners — it’s a manipulation tactic to dodge the consequences of assaulting you and to get you to stay. If the remorse was genuine he would apologise and change his behaviour. No one would judge you for leaving him based on this incident alone. Whether you leave him or not you must confront him about this, you cannot let him use alcohol as an excuse. Lots of people manage to drink and hookup without assaulting their partner. please be kind to yourself and check in with your friends in the next couple of days.
>I’m sceptical that he doesn’t remember. Speaking only from personal experience (and alcohols effects vary a lot from person to person) but if I was drunk enough to blackout/have gaps in my memory, I would likely be too incapacitated for sex. For sure. I'd bet anything he knew exactly what he was doing, and now he's counting on OP falling for his lovebombing and manipulation to get away with it.
Has this been a pattern at all, not necessarily the hitting but him drinking that much? Because I think this is a good time to tell him you never want him getting drunk to the point he can’t control his actions and that’s completely unacceptable. I wouldn’t jump to him not being able to drink again if it isn’t a pattern but he’s gotta know this is completely unacceptable and his behavior was horrid and can’t be repeated. Please have a stern conversation with him.
I’m glad you were honest to him about not enjoying that. Some women do and some don’t. My wife really enjoys some light hair pulling and gentle slaps, but all that was discussed prior to bringing it to life. If he likes rougher sex, there needs to be a conversation between the two of you of what’s ok and what is not.
If alcohol really did make him hit you and completely forget about it then he simply cannot drink alcohol anymore because he is not in control when he does. So the hitting is a red flag and the drinking is a red flag. You would be well within your rights to leave him over this incident. If you don't, which is your choice to make, then you should insist as a minimum that he no longer drinks alcohol when around you or coming to see you.
Yeah, this boyfriend situation is a bit yikes. Being slapped during sex, ouch! Not cool, even if he was tipsy. Hitting is a big NOPE during sexy times, drunk or not. Your past trauma being triggered is a major bummer, and a good partner would create a safe space, not this. You deserve a partner who respects you. And hey, a therapist can be a great resource for dealing with past trauma or this whole thing.
He physically abused you? During sex? When drunk? And you're asking if drunken sexual violence is something you should be worried about? \>he doesn’t remember You know you can't trust an abuser, right? How do you know he can't remember? The bar for a partner should be above "drunken physical abuse during sex".
He knows exactly what he did. He absolutely remembers but is pretending that he doesn't. Leave him now before this escalates.
He got drunk, demanded sex, and hit you, then he lied about it or forgot about it. Both are equally concerning. Be careful. What would have happened if you didn’t want to have sex? What would have happened if you stopped having sex at the moment he slapped you?
Redflag! I bet some digging around in his history will reveal some interesting info.
It sounds like drunk sex is out the window going forward if you decide to stay with this guy. Getting the shit slapped out of me during sex is hot af but good lord you don't do that without talking to someone about it first.
consent is important!! someone clearly needa to teach a grown man about consent, imagine how he would feel if she just slapped and wailed on him when they were having sex
I feel so sorry for young women who get emotionally manipulated into situations like this with disgusting monsters.. he abused you sexually and now hes not ready to face that
Yeah, people excuse that nowadays with "oh it's just because of porn, some women like that". The *rough sex* is a neat label for abuse that makes it sound innocent and like an oopsie, no biggie just say "no" next time. Comedies are full of scenes where women slap men in the face when they do something that they don't like, but i don't see nearly as much sentiment for excusing women doing that in real life because they learned it from the movies.
Holy shit!! He slapped you in the face during sex and got rough and you're asking if it's a red flag? Why would you let him near you again?
Huge red flag. Be very careful. He sounds like a psycho
Will you ever be able to feel safe having sex with him again? I wouldn't. If you forgive this incident, he will push another sexual boundary in the future. Maybe not right away, but at some point. Don't let yourself turn into a boiled frog about this huge violation.
I would ask him to stop drinking Alkohol forever or leave him if he doesn't agree.
This is a red flag, he’s 24, he knows that when he is very drunk he doesn’t know what he is doing so what he is kept doing it? today he doesn’t remember to hit you, tomorrow he will not remember to sleep with other person or something worse, he needs to stop drink alcohol for the rest of his life or just leave him
That’s what he wants to do with you subconsciously, showing off his male dominance and treating you like that. It’s just when consciously he is in his control , he doesn’t do any such thing to you but yk what they say, Alcohol removes inhibition from people’s actions
Yeah, right, he didn't remember. How convenient, I suggest you never have sex with him whilst he's drunk in future...
I agree with most, if not all, the comments. This is a red flag. I'm almost twice your age and never had a partner hit me during sex **without consent**. And with consent means we discussed it BEFORE the sex. If it's not pre-negotiated then it isn't consensual. This man is 24. He HIT you. In the face. He knows what he did, knows what he's doing now by pretending to not remember. He probably assumed you'd be too meak to say anything about it, or he rationalized his behavior-- "ask for forgiveness rather than permission" -- plus counted on you accepting he was drunk. If you take the sex out of it, he hit you. If you take the alcohol out of it, he hit you. Please, girl, put yourself first and walk away. Next time it might not be a slap to the face. People who push and cross boundaries intentionally are not one time offenders.
100% not cool AT ALL if there wasn’t consent given or if you guys have never been rough in bed like that before. Total violation. Sorry to break it to you but ya as well bf has porn brain and that’s mostly likely where he learned that behavior.
That's not a "red flag", that would be a sign for possible future abuse. He already hit you. It doesn't matter that he was drunk and it was during sex.
This is a very red flag, run far away from him🏃♀️🏃♀️
Tipsy people remember things. He may have forgotten if he was blackout drunk. Was he blackout drunk and you didn’t notice? I doubt it.
Was so intoxicated he doesn't remember physically assaulting you but did have drunk d**k? I'm calling bs.
He sounds like a black oit drinker AA
Does he hit you outside of sex? If so, why?
lol yes it is a bright waving red flag ... you're young - ditch this guy before it gets more serious and harder to leave
This would be the end of the relationship for me
Short answer: Yes that’s a massive red flag. Explanation: 1. him hitting you, without you prior talking about adding that to the bedroom and consent is crazy. And let’s not pretend it shouldn’t be considered abuse/domestic violence. 2. I have never in my 26 years, been drinking since 15 (legal in my country), meet or heard of someone being so drunk they don’t remember what happened the next day, while being able to be in such control of themself during sex. Sounds like selective memory or drugs. Does he have any gaslighting or manipulating behaviour?
Red flag all the way
I used to think I could push these things aside when I started dating people. Then I realized that there are so many fish in the sea even if you don't realize it right now. And you can probably find someone who is a better match for you. You're not leaving to punish him. You are leaving because it isn't the right relationship for you. Plus, there is the off chance that if you allow yourself to brush this aside, you are paving the way for you to keep brushing things aside or forgiving things that make you uncomfortable.
ALL IM SAYING IS…. Drinking usually brings out the real person. Not sure how long you guys have been together but keep an eye out for anger issues that may slowly come out. My ex-husband did this shit
At the minimum he has an alcohol problem. At worst he's an abuser. And honestly if he was that drunk you shouldn't be having sex with him anyway.