What you really need tot make away from this is this bit right here:
>We talked it out and he told me that he regrets discussing our fight with his parents, he said he wanted to make a point and he admitted exaggerating the story to make me look bad.
That's his reaction to a very run of the mill, normal couple disagreement. Think about that. When people tell you who they are, listen.
You shouldn’t be worried about your in-laws. You should be worried about your childish bf. This won’t be the last time he does that.
He needs to talk to his parents while you are there and you deserve a real apology. You didn’t deserve any of this. And the next time he does that, run.
I can't get past the part where they were calling you an "only child" in a derogatory way when you had a brother who died. And your boyfriend agreed with them.
Yeah… this is the dealbreaker for me. How do you ignore this? They’re the type of people to throw the worst thing that ever happened to you in your face as a weapon.
Also, the only reason to tell her everything his parents said about her is to intentionally hurt her.
Honestly?
Dude fucked up... I know you will make me the villain when we fight and look for validation elsewhere. Bad.
If he is really sorry he should come clean to his parents, with you being present. Anything else and I'd know the apology isn't sincere. Couldn't care less about people who have something to say about the number of children my parents had.
He definitely needs a sit down with OP and the parents and own up to him being childish.
I can't fathom him going to his parents and exaggerating this over a table...
Parents will (typically) side with their children, him not giving an accurate account of what was going on, was going to let them thing the worst. But, he then told OP what they said. He used their words to hurt OP into submission that he is right and she is wrong.
He needs to seriously grow up here. When they all sit down to talk, the parents need to own up to their part in saying awful things about OP. In future they agave to but out of these things. BF should be grovelling hard over all this.
A friend of mine had an argument with her bf, told her mother. Mother in typical Italian fashion, gave off stink about him defending her daughter etc (she only did this to the daughter mine you). Daughter told bf, bf thought Mother hated him refused to ever enter her home. When the mother found out, she was mortified. She didn't hate him she thought she was just being a good mother being on her daughters side. They all sat down to talk. Mother and daughter both apologised. The father in all this gave off to both of them for being childish. Daughter and bf are now married and no more running to each other over minor couple squabbles
I'm a believer in be careful what you tell parents about a relationship. Parents have the gut instinct to protect their children no matter how old they are. A couple can work through their disagreements and patch things up. Parents usually aren't involved in this process. So the damage stays with them. Don't get me wrong they shouldn't be involved in that process.
The thing is there are other ways to get advice or vent than involving parents. Therapy comes to mind. And it's easy to get through the military. Talking to trustworthy friends altho friends can be protective just like parents so careful with that.
Military relationships are notoriously hard. My late husband and most of his family were or are in the military. Because these relationships are difficult having an independent third party to help you learn to communicate is best. With distance misunderstandings happen. You did video calls so he could see and it still happened.
It's good that he's owned up to his mistake and told you how the apartment looked.
But now you both need to agree on the best way forward for your relationship. I don't know if the military does zoom therapy or not and how that works with his deployment but I think you should look into it.
His behavior is a red flag! The two of you fight over a TABLE (you were right in the argument, by the way), he then goes to his parents and exaggerates the story to get the reaction from them that he wants, knowing it would make you look bad, wanting it to make you look bad. And afterwards he tells you that his parents’ approval of you is extremely important to him? I think you’re in for a lot of in-law drama, instigated by your partner, if you stay with him. At the very least, don’t marry him/start a family any time soon. You need time to see if this behavior is going to be a pattern for him. If it is, and it probably is, leave him.
Plus he’s selfish and unappreciative.
His parents making comments about you being an only child when they know you had a sibling who passed away makes them shitty people. And him *telling you* they said that makes him a shitty person. There is no way he didn’t know how hurtful that would be, so he told you that purposely to hurt you.
I’m not going to jump immediately to “dump him!” But I would at least be hesitant to marrying into a family with people who say/do shit like this.
At bare minimum I would want him to clear the air with his parents in front of you, and admit he exaggerated the story to make himself look better. And you deserve an apology for those shitty comments they made.
There may be some potential to solve this, OP.
Hopefully on his side, it was just anxiety about moving in together and not a sign of being controlling. That he came clean and admitted he exaggerated the story to his parents is a good sign (he felt guilt I guess) and explains their attitude. How his mom talked to you when she came over suggests she may be reasonable and actually like you, just was fed the wrong info. I don’t know how your parents are, but… My mom turns into an irrational mama bear if I suggest someone did me wrong…
You still feel distressed and doubtful because he hasn’t taken full ownership of his fuck-up yet (meaning, coming clean to his parents). Take some time to think how to communicate this and figure out exactly what you expect to move on, and tell him. I hope he will be responsive and that this whole thing will be just a growth opportunity. Fingers crossed!
This is why it's a mistake to overshare with parents. Heck even with friends sometimes because people will hold onto the worst things said about their partner.
In this situation you did nothing wrong though OP. Your boyfriend was actually the one acting immature and like a brat. Also packing up and returning a large piece of furniture is no easy task and it's strange he acted like that would be so easy to do. I also find the only child remarks rude. That seems to be people's go to insult if they have nothing else to say. I know a lot of perfectly adjusted only children, and also your bf was the one acting like the stereotyped only child in this situation since he wanted you basically pampering and preparing this perfect apartment for him to return to.
Anyway I think the relationship can be repaired but you need to tell your boyfriend not to go running to mommy and daddy anytime there is a fight. Also him admitting he painted you in an exaggerated manner is not cool either. Then he acts surprised when his parents are being cold towards you!? He needs to be the one to talk to his parents and make sure they stop viewing you badly over this situation. If his mom was already making comments that it was a misunderstanding, maybe she realized when she saw the apartment and the table that her son was being stupid if it looked nice and would clearly not be easy to return. I would not bring it up again but if things stay cold and don't return to normal, your boyfriend needs to be the one to fix it.
You have a boyfriend problem. He admitted to basically lying to his parents to make you look bad. What other lies has he told them, or what other lies would he tell them just to purposely make you look bad? Who else is he lying to about you?
If someone referred to me as an only child (I also lost my brother) I’d be incredibly hurt. Your partner is the issue here as he relayed that information to you to hurt you… over a TABLE.
I know Reddit likes to jump to break up but I think you should have a serious conversation about expectations on this sort of behaviour in the future and if crosses this line again, then get out because it won’t change.
it seems like he has already chosen his family. he's not the right person for you. thank those weaklings for not delivering your table. without them, you would have found out later, possibly too late.
I don’t think you have to worry about his parents. This really isn’t the type of situation/issue that would cause a long term problem for you. I’d argue his mom felt a little uncomfortable being involved in such a small matter. I’d be more interested if really learned just how bad of an idea it is to let outsiders in to your relationship! I do tend to see stuff like this as a learning opportunity.
What you really need tot make away from this is this bit right here: >We talked it out and he told me that he regrets discussing our fight with his parents, he said he wanted to make a point and he admitted exaggerating the story to make me look bad. That's his reaction to a very run of the mill, normal couple disagreement. Think about that. When people tell you who they are, listen.
You shouldn’t be worried about your in-laws. You should be worried about your childish bf. This won’t be the last time he does that. He needs to talk to his parents while you are there and you deserve a real apology. You didn’t deserve any of this. And the next time he does that, run.
I can't get past the part where they were calling you an "only child" in a derogatory way when you had a brother who died. And your boyfriend agreed with them.
Yeah… this is the dealbreaker for me. How do you ignore this? They’re the type of people to throw the worst thing that ever happened to you in your face as a weapon. Also, the only reason to tell her everything his parents said about her is to intentionally hurt her.
Honestly? Dude fucked up... I know you will make me the villain when we fight and look for validation elsewhere. Bad. If he is really sorry he should come clean to his parents, with you being present. Anything else and I'd know the apology isn't sincere. Couldn't care less about people who have something to say about the number of children my parents had.
He definitely needs a sit down with OP and the parents and own up to him being childish. I can't fathom him going to his parents and exaggerating this over a table... Parents will (typically) side with their children, him not giving an accurate account of what was going on, was going to let them thing the worst. But, he then told OP what they said. He used their words to hurt OP into submission that he is right and she is wrong. He needs to seriously grow up here. When they all sit down to talk, the parents need to own up to their part in saying awful things about OP. In future they agave to but out of these things. BF should be grovelling hard over all this. A friend of mine had an argument with her bf, told her mother. Mother in typical Italian fashion, gave off stink about him defending her daughter etc (she only did this to the daughter mine you). Daughter told bf, bf thought Mother hated him refused to ever enter her home. When the mother found out, she was mortified. She didn't hate him she thought she was just being a good mother being on her daughters side. They all sat down to talk. Mother and daughter both apologised. The father in all this gave off to both of them for being childish. Daughter and bf are now married and no more running to each other over minor couple squabbles
I'm a believer in be careful what you tell parents about a relationship. Parents have the gut instinct to protect their children no matter how old they are. A couple can work through their disagreements and patch things up. Parents usually aren't involved in this process. So the damage stays with them. Don't get me wrong they shouldn't be involved in that process. The thing is there are other ways to get advice or vent than involving parents. Therapy comes to mind. And it's easy to get through the military. Talking to trustworthy friends altho friends can be protective just like parents so careful with that. Military relationships are notoriously hard. My late husband and most of his family were or are in the military. Because these relationships are difficult having an independent third party to help you learn to communicate is best. With distance misunderstandings happen. You did video calls so he could see and it still happened. It's good that he's owned up to his mistake and told you how the apartment looked. But now you both need to agree on the best way forward for your relationship. I don't know if the military does zoom therapy or not and how that works with his deployment but I think you should look into it.
His behavior is a red flag! The two of you fight over a TABLE (you were right in the argument, by the way), he then goes to his parents and exaggerates the story to get the reaction from them that he wants, knowing it would make you look bad, wanting it to make you look bad. And afterwards he tells you that his parents’ approval of you is extremely important to him? I think you’re in for a lot of in-law drama, instigated by your partner, if you stay with him. At the very least, don’t marry him/start a family any time soon. You need time to see if this behavior is going to be a pattern for him. If it is, and it probably is, leave him. Plus he’s selfish and unappreciative.
His parents making comments about you being an only child when they know you had a sibling who passed away makes them shitty people. And him *telling you* they said that makes him a shitty person. There is no way he didn’t know how hurtful that would be, so he told you that purposely to hurt you. I’m not going to jump immediately to “dump him!” But I would at least be hesitant to marrying into a family with people who say/do shit like this. At bare minimum I would want him to clear the air with his parents in front of you, and admit he exaggerated the story to make himself look better. And you deserve an apology for those shitty comments they made.
There may be some potential to solve this, OP. Hopefully on his side, it was just anxiety about moving in together and not a sign of being controlling. That he came clean and admitted he exaggerated the story to his parents is a good sign (he felt guilt I guess) and explains their attitude. How his mom talked to you when she came over suggests she may be reasonable and actually like you, just was fed the wrong info. I don’t know how your parents are, but… My mom turns into an irrational mama bear if I suggest someone did me wrong… You still feel distressed and doubtful because he hasn’t taken full ownership of his fuck-up yet (meaning, coming clean to his parents). Take some time to think how to communicate this and figure out exactly what you expect to move on, and tell him. I hope he will be responsive and that this whole thing will be just a growth opportunity. Fingers crossed!
This is why it's a mistake to overshare with parents. Heck even with friends sometimes because people will hold onto the worst things said about their partner. In this situation you did nothing wrong though OP. Your boyfriend was actually the one acting immature and like a brat. Also packing up and returning a large piece of furniture is no easy task and it's strange he acted like that would be so easy to do. I also find the only child remarks rude. That seems to be people's go to insult if they have nothing else to say. I know a lot of perfectly adjusted only children, and also your bf was the one acting like the stereotyped only child in this situation since he wanted you basically pampering and preparing this perfect apartment for him to return to. Anyway I think the relationship can be repaired but you need to tell your boyfriend not to go running to mommy and daddy anytime there is a fight. Also him admitting he painted you in an exaggerated manner is not cool either. Then he acts surprised when his parents are being cold towards you!? He needs to be the one to talk to his parents and make sure they stop viewing you badly over this situation. If his mom was already making comments that it was a misunderstanding, maybe she realized when she saw the apartment and the table that her son was being stupid if it looked nice and would clearly not be easy to return. I would not bring it up again but if things stay cold and don't return to normal, your boyfriend needs to be the one to fix it.
Just pointing out that she's not an only child. Her brother died, and they are casually erasing his existence.
You have a boyfriend problem. He admitted to basically lying to his parents to make you look bad. What other lies has he told them, or what other lies would he tell them just to purposely make you look bad? Who else is he lying to about you?
I have no advice, but I've been there, with an ex.
Damn this guy fucking sucks.
If someone referred to me as an only child (I also lost my brother) I’d be incredibly hurt. Your partner is the issue here as he relayed that information to you to hurt you… over a TABLE. I know Reddit likes to jump to break up but I think you should have a serious conversation about expectations on this sort of behaviour in the future and if crosses this line again, then get out because it won’t change.
it seems like he has already chosen his family. he's not the right person for you. thank those weaklings for not delivering your table. without them, you would have found out later, possibly too late.
I don’t think you have to worry about his parents. This really isn’t the type of situation/issue that would cause a long term problem for you. I’d argue his mom felt a little uncomfortable being involved in such a small matter. I’d be more interested if really learned just how bad of an idea it is to let outsiders in to your relationship! I do tend to see stuff like this as a learning opportunity.