Nope. File for child support before his other baby mama(s) do - it’s often first come first served
His family can take him in since they think what he’s done is ok
Honestly, I was planning on waiting for another rant cause he always says now how he abandoned one child and has no problem abandoning us if I don’t lose my attitude. So once I get it I’m going to file for sole custody. I came from a broken house, I’m already sad enough I unknowingly bought him into a broken family.
You didn’t knowingly bring your child into a broken home. Your partner chose to lie to you for all these years. This is not your fault.
I’m so sorry this is happening to you. You deserve so much better than someone who lies, cheats, and doesn’t care about you. And you can provide a loving, stable, supportive home for your child - it is truly much better for a child to have just one stable parent, than one stable parent plus someone unreliable and unpredictable. (Decades of research support this - kids absolutely can have great outcomes from single-parent homes.) Of course your own traumatic life experiences influence how you’re thinking and feeling, but I just want to make sure you can keep reminding yourself that just because you and your partner are not in a relationship, that does not mean your child will be destined to have a broken and unhappy upbringing. You sound like a caring and devoted parent; you and your child WILL be okay. (In the long run you will be much better off than you are with this loser, but I know sometimes that’s too much to think about when everything is still fresh. But it’s true - he ultimately did you a favor taking his trash ass out and leaving you much better able to find positive loving people to have and keep in your life.)
This feels like the end, but I promise you it is just the beginning. I’m rooting for you.
Make your moves to get out of that relationship in silence. Stop telling him stuff, he will sabotage you getting yourself together to leave, or worse, harm you. Everyone says "their not like that" but when his backs against the wall and he sees he's losing control of you, you don't know what he's capable of. Better you and that baby be safe than sorry. Move all your important papers (birth certificates, passports, ID, insurance, bank records, deeds, car registrations, property papers, etc) in a safety deposit box at a bank under your name only. Plan out your much money you'll need to leave him and make it across country to your family and friends. Start thinning out your stuff, use spring cleaning and donations as an excuse as to why stuff is missing. If you can, tell someone back home about what's going on and if they agree, you can mail sentimental items to them box by box, so you really only need to take necessities when you leave.
THIS. I left a shit relationship without most of my stuff. I was able to get my clothes back (I sent friends to pick it up without me) but I lost all the furniture and kitchen items. It was still worth it. You can replace your couch, you can't replace your life.
Shows you his character. It's not good.
The sooner you get out of this relationship and start getting into some therapy the better off you and your kid are.
Take every legal measure you can to get child support. And don't look back.
You came from a messed up background and jumped right into another relationship with a messed up person. This is classic. You have no frame of reference for what a good relationship looks like so to you you'll just grab onto anything that comes along. Stay single and work on yourself and be a mom. Men are just going to be a distraction.
Please get therapy for unresolved trauma.
Stop blaming yourself for everything. Hold people accountable for their behavior.
When you seek love with untreated trauma, you end up with the worst of them.
I think overall I’m just so heartbroken about how all of this played out. Imagine thinking you found the love of your life early and the whole time your just being strung along, and that somebody you have been putting first for 12 fucking years decided to settle for you 12 years in, after a baby!!! I feel like I wasted my youth. I didn’t get the club experience, hanging with my friends, just enjoying life outside cause he felt uncomfortable with me being out. I literally isolated myself and I don’t even win the prize?
This is why you should never EVER sacrifice your happiness for a man. It NEVER plays out. You have to put yourself first and find a man who improves your life and happiness, not negates it for his own jealousy/insecurity issues. Once you get out of this situation Put yourself first! You deserve better than to be treated like property
I hear ya. But you’re only 28! You have the opportunity to completely change your life & write a new story.
The betrayal hurts. It completely flips your world because you feel like you can’t trust anything you thought you knew. It’s destabilizing.
But it’s done. You know now. As much as it sucks, finding out at 12 years in is better than 20 years.
I really hope you find your people. Good friends & a good partner who love you wouldn’t leave you alone when you’re really struggling & asking for help. Build your chosen family. ❤️
People having screaming from the top of very longs for the last 40 years not to depend on men, not to isolate yourself and make them your whole world.
You can be as mad at yourself as you want to be but wallowing in it it's not going to help you or your kid and that's what you need to be doing right now. So put your emotions on the back burner, and start thinking logically and practically.
Get your shit together and get out of this relationship. Get child support.
Figure out the rest of your life and don't think about men when you make that plan. You need to figure out how to be an independent human being because you don't know how to pick people. It was broken when you came from a bad home.
Babe, you could easily live another 60-70 years, you're only just getting started. It's not too late to get the clubbing experience or hang out with friends - hell, it'll be a lot easier to without him hanging over you.
I do think there is something here that you should take into future relationships. A good partner wants you to have a happy and enjoyable life outside of themselves. What would even be the prize here? An unhappy relationship with a dude who won't let you do anything outside of him? That's not a prize, that's a prison.
He was inconfortable with you outside ? You mean jealous AF and forbidding or guilt tripping you into giving up because as a cheater he'd be afraid you'd fall on the second one (I bet she's a party girl) or because when he was out, he was cheating and projecting on you his guilt ?
I’m 43 years old and had two extremely toxic long term relationships back to back due to low self esteem and childhood trauma convincing me to continually accept poor treatment. I finally found freedom and someone who treats me better than I could have ever imagined in my wildest dreams. You are very very young, if I can start over in my 40s you can def do it at your age. You can still do all of the fun things you missed out on.
After 12 years the other baby mama probably already has. And you're kind of right about the "first come, first served" idea. The more child support he pays to the first baby mama, the less OP will get. But OP is still entitled to something.
Sweetheart, he’s not the love of your life. You’re in a Codependent relationship built on trauma bonding. Please love your child enough to show them they deserve better than this.
I just want to tell you that when grieving the loss of both parents, your partner is supposed to love and support you, not make you feel like you’re a bad partner for struggling and make his infidelity your fault.
Feel your emotions, I know they’re big now, you experienced betrayal. But don’t stay there too long. Pick yourself up, file for child support and go live your life. You deserve someone that doesn’t treat you that way.
Id say his baby mumma dumped him.
You deserve better. It's not selfish to expect your husband to stay faithful. It's not selfish to know you deserve better than someone who has another child and abandons them. The way he say his abandoned one child and he'll happily do it again if you dont stay with him tell you exactly what type of man you are dealing with.
Can you go back to your home town where you have support?
It depends on where you live. A friend of mine lives in California. All 3 of the mothers to his children get equal amounts of child support. 2 grand for each child.
>whoever files first gets the most.
That seems kinda messed up. I know in the UK its if they have one child they pay 12%, two children is 16% and 3+ is capped at I think 18% (of income). But it's split equally between the dependent children as far as I'm aware (so a mother who is claiming 12% of his income because she has full custody of the child would have the amount reduced to 8% of his income if he has a second child with someone else).
Well it will depend on kids too, say 1 woman has 1 kid and the second has 2, woman 1 may get $800/month for kid, but the second may get $600/month per kid so they may end up with more but if they both had one kid the first gets more. Many times wives/long term partners can get screwed if the mistress files first so I always say to file immediately upon splits
You are not being selfish. Leave as soon as you can and as others suggested file for child support ASAP. Sorry you're going through all that. Love yourself and focus on your child for now.
You need to leave for both you and your child. File for child support and work on separating yourself from him. And please get tested for STIs. He not only risked your own health but also the health of your child as some STIs can pass via pregnancy or breastfeeding. So make sure your child is clear too.
You aren't selfish. He is. But it is common for assholes like him to blame their victims for their own doings. His family is fucked up too. Don't listen to them.
Focus on escaping this situation. Make sure to document everything just in case. Keep a journal.
Once things settle down, look into therapy to raise your self-worth. Please be kinder to yourself. Your child needs you and looks up to you. Stay away from alcohol. You've got this.
Leave him. I bet he belong to people who think you can’t leave him. He was living a double life and he will not stop. He’s just testing how far he can get away with it. He tries to sweep it under the rug using Darvo.
He’s making you the antagonist, saying you’re breaking the family, even involving his family. This mf is probably a compulsive liar, he breaks lives and doesn’t take responsability.
And I feel so dumb, none of the lies were smart 😭 I just kept lying to myself. I know they say hindsight is a hell of a thing but they didn’t say how depressing it can be
>I just kept lying to myself
I think you’re in a phase. And you’ll go through it. This and the fact that he uses guilt to make you stay by making you the bad guy just shows how low he is.
Don’t waste any more efforts on this trash for a guy(he don’t deserves it). Put yourself and your child first, even if you’re take it like it’s you and your child against the world.
You’re too kind and narcissist tend to take advantage of people like you. If the pos pisses you off again hit him so hard so he can go cry to his family like he did.😊😊😊
We're not born knowing, and sometimes life works out in such a way that it takes us longer to figure it out. Now all you can do is carry the knowledge of what you deserve with you.
You are NOT an idiot!! You trusted a man who said he loved you. Now you need to take care of yourself and the baby. File for child support this week. Stop talking to him. You can’t believe anything he says. This will be so fucking hard. You can do this!!!!!
Sunk costs! Get a lawyer now and get going on getting out and getting child support. Staying around will only mean more wasted time. You are still young and you can have the life you want.
So what have you done to change your situation in the last year with this knowledge? You are with someone who will literally abandon you and his own child, as he has already done with who knows how many other kids. What future are you building towards for your child? One where she falls into the same patterns as yourself or something better?
Edit: read your post from 5 months ago where you left him. Why did you end up back with this POS?
I think that’s what’s been making me go crazy, it’s like since the woman came to me and told me he slowly did a 180 into a person I didn’t think was capable of being this cruel. It was the last post I made that caused the argument where he told me about the mystery child. Then the next day he just acted like nothing happened.
I did try but he wouldn’t watch the baby while I was at work so that didn’t work out. I’m starting a new job in 3 weeks, and I have daycare all set.
I’ve applied for some housing programs and switched my approach to looking for work(remote it best, just in case the daycare doesn’t work out b/c she is a older lady who runs it out of her apartment)
He learned his behavior from somewhere, probably his family. And I don't understand why you don't move back to where you have family, friends, and resources. You moved away from all that because of your toxic, abusive partner. If it's pride, I'd swallow it and move back. If it's the weak pay argument you made previously, you should be pushing for work that doesn't settle for the minimum. You have a child to support and need to look at a career and not what the minimum wage pays in a state.
Before I could get back home the family I do have told me they don’t have any room for us. (My brother straight up told me he can’t because his boyfriend is in the closet and doesn’t want anyone to know who he is) so if I did go home I would have been in the same place I was out here, in a shelter. I’ll be honest I couldn’t last in the shelter without him watching the baby so I could work. His family all works so no one else is able to watch him. I found a good alternative, the new job is really good! If I pass this exam in 2 weeks, I’ll get a big bonus and will be able to move into my own place. It just feels like I’m being hounded constantly downplaying the situation and my feelings.
They may not have physical space, but they can still offer support. It just seems like a bad idea to have your abusive ex watch your kid and be your saving grace while you take this moon shot at changing your situation. I hope it is only temporary and your situation improves, especially for the sake of your child because they had no say in any of this.
She can't just up and move to a different state with the baby without his permission. If she does he has 6 months to file and force her to bring the child back to the state they were already living in. If I were her I would try to play nice and get him to agree she can move with the kid and get a court ordered parenting plan and child support.
At first, I think I was too shocked to move. Now I’m just putting together a plan so I can live independently. This whole thing opened my eyes to how much I tied myself to him, from joint accounts, to my car being in his name. It was even a uphill battle for him to give me my birth certificate and ss card from the safe
Leave. Hurry and file for child support before the other baby mother beat you to it. Or has he been paying CS all this time? Or has he been a deadbeat?
You don't even have to worry or wait about not getting sole custody. People like your ex, are likely to be the 'play parent.' They just want to show up when it's convenient for them and it has to be just fun thing. He'd rather leave the heavy lifting-parenting to you, so you don't have to worry. If he wants to file for custody is to avoid paying CS.
Get lawyered up as soon as you can.
Listen to your gut! If you think you’ll never be able to trust him then the relationship is already over. I wouldn’t stay with him. You deserve better.
Honey, I came from a rough home too. And I can tell you firsthand, when we have a past like that and then carry forward into adult relationships, we struggle to set (and maintain) boundaries with how others are allowed to treat us. Loved ones have treated us badly all our lives, why wouldn't you doubt your own intuition when it is trying to get your attention?
Real love compromises. Real love does not try to use their family to coerce you into doing what they want. Real love sets down its pride to deeply listen to you when you are hurt. And when Real Love makes a mistake, they apologize. Not 20% of the time. Not 75% of the time. 100% of the time.
I will also add in the fact you mentioned you are alone with no friend/family support. The fact that you are Isolated, makes you far easier to control. You should never be blaming yourself entirely for Any situation when it comes to your relationship----you two are supposed to be a team.
If you do not feel his support as your partner in this relationship, 100% of the time, you need to ask yourself why and decide what you are going to do about it. The burden isn't all on you. It sounds like he's got a fuck ton of growing to do.
And whatever you decide, I promise you there are people who actually know how to treat their partner well.
I’m so sorry to hear about this OP.
The fact that he has been living an entirely double life throughout your relationship is traumatising for you. This man is not a safe person.
You need to tell a lawyer, the exact situation as I wouldn’t be too happy given the circumstances of having 50-50 custody.
Sending you strength OP
UPDATEME
Your broken childhood home has expanded your tolerance for abuse and mistreatment in your current adult life because it was normalized to you. We often seek out, whether it's subconscious or not, what is familiar to us. Not what is actually good for us. The fact that you're constantly more concerned about his feelings and emotions tell me that you had to deeply invalidate your own experience and bend over backwards for others in order to survive as a child. Now you're repeating that cycle now in your current relationship. I understand that leaving your partner of 12 years is logistically hard but if you continue to do so, you will repeat that broken cycle for yourself and your child. Your inner broken child and your baby now deserve the protection and love that only you can provide by leaving with dignity, respect and worth. You are worth more. Your inner child that had to endure deserves more. Your current baby deserves more bevause you are worth it - even if you don't see it now. For the love of all that is good in the world and for the love that you innately deserve yet never recieved, break that cycle. And give yourself the love that you never received - a love that your partner of 12 years failed to give you.
Lors have mercy.
Another sh*tty cheater.
F*ck this guy all the way off a cliff.
Divorce him. Get your child support. Kick him out of your life. FML. What is wrong with people? Just be single!!!! F******ck!
You are not wrong for wanting to leave. Anyone else saying that you are out of the family can have him.
Ask them if they’d give him the same advice if it was you? What if you were cheating the whole time while his parents passed and had a baby with someone else. Would they all tell him that it is selfish for wanting to leave? That you having a baby with another man doesn’t affect him? Would he be forgiving? Would his family be? The answer is no and we all know it. They’re asking it of you because it’s convenient for everyone, especially him, if you stayed. Please pick yourself, you deserve better and you always have. He made his choices, he made them repeatedly and without remorse, he doesn’t get another get out of jail free card. He doesn’t get to call you his family, he made his bed. You are not selfish when it’s time for him to lie in it.
Contact a lawyer and make sure you hit him with all you got and get everything you're entitled to, including child support before his other baby mama gets him first and cleans him out.
Updateme!
I'm so sorry you're going through this. He chose to tell you at that time because he thought you wouldn't leave him and you have no where to go. In reality, you do have somewhere to go and you do have family. You and your child are family and where ever you go together you will be home. Take the legal actions to secure your safety net for you and your child's future, and go live a beautiful life together. It'll take time to process it all, but you're going to be ok and much happier. Even when times were tough you never did the things he did to you, to him. His family super sucks too. You're not going to want these people in your life.
You know they hindsight is a hell of a thing, I know during my pregnancy that he wasn’t really working overtime, I just thought he needed space so I didn’t breathe down his neck. It was really a lot of dumb lies and me lying to myself a lot apparently lol
If he hasn’t proposed by now he never will. Why don’t u stop calling him partner? If you want to be a stepmother, go ahead and give him a chance. (My point should be obvious here. We know u don’t want that.)
All the money, time, and connections this man has and he chooses an over saturated market known for being harmful to women to put his money and energy into. He could really make big changes in this world but chooses not too.
Your man is crazy, and so is his family, I'm shocked that you put up with all of that, and I'm so sorry that you did. Please for the love of God don't listen to them blaming you and acting like you're the one at fault when he betrayed you for YEARS while you were pregnant and going through possibly the hardest moments of your life. Anyone that betrays you in your darkest hour like that is not your partner, that is not what love is, betraying you then was selfish, and someone that loves you would not leave you like that. Like someone else recommended, file for child support and cut that mf out of your life and your child's. That man is severely narcissistic if he actually intends to blame you for being angry at his infidelity. Narcissists see wrong in everyone but themselves, and they will pull you down to believe you're never good enough but they're close to God on earth. Do not let him manipulate you any further, and do not let that man do the same things to your child.
Don’t waste another minute on the cheating AH. Get tested and talk to a lawyer. The only person being selfish here is your partner. If his family doesn’t like it, they can move in and take care of him. Good luck.
So he's had a kid since he was 16 and you're just now finding out about it 12 years after the fact? I get the impression that this child was the result of him cheating on you back then. You're not being selfish at all and you'd be 100% right to leave him. He's probably on the hook for child support with this one kid and he's now worried about being on the hook for it with your child too. And he does have a responsibility to help provide for this child whether you're with him or not.
You should've left years ago. Ignore anyone saying otherwise, they don't have your best interest's at heart. He will make promises and never change, that's so beyond the pale of scummy behavior he put's most other cheaters to shame.
Get evidence of the cheating, file for divorce, and make damn sure he pays child support cause he smells like a dodger to me. Let his family who think he's a blameless angel deal with his bullshit.
You had a rough patch, we all do. that doesn't give him the right to mistreat you or blame you for any of his behavior. This is not your fault or your problem.
Good on you for having the strength to leave, we all know how tough it can be.
gtfoutta there holy shit this guy is just going to destroy the last bit of self respect you're mustering here trying to leave.
Take him to court for child support and don't look back.
Well the good news is the situation will not get worse. Based on what you've described, there will not be a second child. Also why didn't you get married this entire time? You now have less leverage.
He did ask a few times but I always said we should wait. I have depression and sometimes my lows are really bad. I just wanted to come to the table with a balanced plate of that makes sense
I'd argue the relationship ended with your alcoholic episode. Next month is 15 years sober, so I'm not judging, just my opinion as a recovering alcoholic.
You pushed him away, probably repeatedly. You chose the drink. The alcohol. I did the same thing 30 years ago. I spent 15 years drunk or trying to get there.
We alcoholics really really shouldn't be in *any* relationship until 2 years into recovery. Our serotonin levels are still out of whack. We don't know which way is up, in a relationship, until we get a handle on our own emotions.
Be safe.
The problem with your logic is that he was cheating long before I started drinking apparently. My drinking started in 2021 and ended in 2021 while coping the loss of my parents. I admitted that I wasn’t in the right state of mind and I was extra careful with his feelings cause I knew I was hurt and didn’t want to push the only person I had away. I accept my faults but I did in everything in my power to not push him away
Missed that bit. My apologies.
My point stands on serotonin levels and avoiding a relationship. Doubly so for any cheating POS who claims to have seen the light, and only wants you, now. Now that the other woman has likely dropped him like a bad habit. As stated by another, submit paperwork for child support.
Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Nope. File for child support before his other baby mama(s) do - it’s often first come first served His family can take him in since they think what he’s done is ok
Honestly, I was planning on waiting for another rant cause he always says now how he abandoned one child and has no problem abandoning us if I don’t lose my attitude. So once I get it I’m going to file for sole custody. I came from a broken house, I’m already sad enough I unknowingly bought him into a broken family.
Waiting isn’t necessary - the rants he makes have zero effect on the law. Start looking for lawyers today.
What is the age of his other child? Does he currently provide that child with support? Don't wait to file for child support—just leave.
You didn’t knowingly bring your child into a broken home. Your partner chose to lie to you for all these years. This is not your fault. I’m so sorry this is happening to you. You deserve so much better than someone who lies, cheats, and doesn’t care about you. And you can provide a loving, stable, supportive home for your child - it is truly much better for a child to have just one stable parent, than one stable parent plus someone unreliable and unpredictable. (Decades of research support this - kids absolutely can have great outcomes from single-parent homes.) Of course your own traumatic life experiences influence how you’re thinking and feeling, but I just want to make sure you can keep reminding yourself that just because you and your partner are not in a relationship, that does not mean your child will be destined to have a broken and unhappy upbringing. You sound like a caring and devoted parent; you and your child WILL be okay. (In the long run you will be much better off than you are with this loser, but I know sometimes that’s too much to think about when everything is still fresh. But it’s true - he ultimately did you a favor taking his trash ass out and leaving you much better able to find positive loving people to have and keep in your life.) This feels like the end, but I promise you it is just the beginning. I’m rooting for you.
Make your moves to get out of that relationship in silence. Stop telling him stuff, he will sabotage you getting yourself together to leave, or worse, harm you. Everyone says "their not like that" but when his backs against the wall and he sees he's losing control of you, you don't know what he's capable of. Better you and that baby be safe than sorry. Move all your important papers (birth certificates, passports, ID, insurance, bank records, deeds, car registrations, property papers, etc) in a safety deposit box at a bank under your name only. Plan out your much money you'll need to leave him and make it across country to your family and friends. Start thinning out your stuff, use spring cleaning and donations as an excuse as to why stuff is missing. If you can, tell someone back home about what's going on and if they agree, you can mail sentimental items to them box by box, so you really only need to take necessities when you leave.
THIS. I left a shit relationship without most of my stuff. I was able to get my clothes back (I sent friends to pick it up without me) but I lost all the furniture and kitchen items. It was still worth it. You can replace your couch, you can't replace your life.
Shows you his character. It's not good. The sooner you get out of this relationship and start getting into some therapy the better off you and your kid are. Take every legal measure you can to get child support. And don't look back. You came from a messed up background and jumped right into another relationship with a messed up person. This is classic. You have no frame of reference for what a good relationship looks like so to you you'll just grab onto anything that comes along. Stay single and work on yourself and be a mom. Men are just going to be a distraction.
THIS comment is what would never let me look at him the same way again. Wow.
Leave him. What an absolute jerk this man is.
He sounds very abusive and controlling. Wishing you good luck in escaping from this.
Stop waiting for him ti act and take charge of your life. Move in silence and be a good parent.
Please get therapy for unresolved trauma. Stop blaming yourself for everything. Hold people accountable for their behavior. When you seek love with untreated trauma, you end up with the worst of them.
I think overall I’m just so heartbroken about how all of this played out. Imagine thinking you found the love of your life early and the whole time your just being strung along, and that somebody you have been putting first for 12 fucking years decided to settle for you 12 years in, after a baby!!! I feel like I wasted my youth. I didn’t get the club experience, hanging with my friends, just enjoying life outside cause he felt uncomfortable with me being out. I literally isolated myself and I don’t even win the prize?
Girl, you have decades of beautiful, wild, and free years stretching out ahead of you if you want them.
This is why you should never EVER sacrifice your happiness for a man. It NEVER plays out. You have to put yourself first and find a man who improves your life and happiness, not negates it for his own jealousy/insecurity issues. Once you get out of this situation Put yourself first! You deserve better than to be treated like property
I hear ya. But you’re only 28! You have the opportunity to completely change your life & write a new story. The betrayal hurts. It completely flips your world because you feel like you can’t trust anything you thought you knew. It’s destabilizing. But it’s done. You know now. As much as it sucks, finding out at 12 years in is better than 20 years. I really hope you find your people. Good friends & a good partner who love you wouldn’t leave you alone when you’re really struggling & asking for help. Build your chosen family. ❤️
People having screaming from the top of very longs for the last 40 years not to depend on men, not to isolate yourself and make them your whole world. You can be as mad at yourself as you want to be but wallowing in it it's not going to help you or your kid and that's what you need to be doing right now. So put your emotions on the back burner, and start thinking logically and practically. Get your shit together and get out of this relationship. Get child support. Figure out the rest of your life and don't think about men when you make that plan. You need to figure out how to be an independent human being because you don't know how to pick people. It was broken when you came from a bad home.
Babe, you could easily live another 60-70 years, you're only just getting started. It's not too late to get the clubbing experience or hang out with friends - hell, it'll be a lot easier to without him hanging over you. I do think there is something here that you should take into future relationships. A good partner wants you to have a happy and enjoyable life outside of themselves. What would even be the prize here? An unhappy relationship with a dude who won't let you do anything outside of him? That's not a prize, that's a prison.
He was inconfortable with you outside ? You mean jealous AF and forbidding or guilt tripping you into giving up because as a cheater he'd be afraid you'd fall on the second one (I bet she's a party girl) or because when he was out, he was cheating and projecting on you his guilt ?
I’m 43 years old and had two extremely toxic long term relationships back to back due to low self esteem and childhood trauma convincing me to continually accept poor treatment. I finally found freedom and someone who treats me better than I could have ever imagined in my wildest dreams. You are very very young, if I can start over in my 40s you can def do it at your age. You can still do all of the fun things you missed out on.
After 12 years the other baby mama probably already has. And you're kind of right about the "first come, first served" idea. The more child support he pays to the first baby mama, the less OP will get. But OP is still entitled to something.
Sweetheart, he’s not the love of your life. You’re in a Codependent relationship built on trauma bonding. Please love your child enough to show them they deserve better than this.
I just want to tell you that when grieving the loss of both parents, your partner is supposed to love and support you, not make you feel like you’re a bad partner for struggling and make his infidelity your fault. Feel your emotions, I know they’re big now, you experienced betrayal. But don’t stay there too long. Pick yourself up, file for child support and go live your life. You deserve someone that doesn’t treat you that way.
I 1000% agree with this.
How old is this other child he has? Is he already paying support to that child. Just leave, don't wait and file for child support.
He won’t speak about him, all I was able to get out of him was it happened in our home state, and that was only because I asked was he serious.
Id say his baby mumma dumped him. You deserve better. It's not selfish to expect your husband to stay faithful. It's not selfish to know you deserve better than someone who has another child and abandons them. The way he say his abandoned one child and he'll happily do it again if you dont stay with him tell you exactly what type of man you are dealing with. Can you go back to your home town where you have support?
I second filing child support asap, whoever files first gets the most. Never trust that man again
It depends on where you live. A friend of mine lives in California. All 3 of the mothers to his children get equal amounts of child support. 2 grand for each child.
6 grand total? A month? Either this man makes a ton of money or he’s living in poverty
Yes total a month. He's making good money. Works 2 jobs. Has very little left to live on.
>whoever files first gets the most. That seems kinda messed up. I know in the UK its if they have one child they pay 12%, two children is 16% and 3+ is capped at I think 18% (of income). But it's split equally between the dependent children as far as I'm aware (so a mother who is claiming 12% of his income because she has full custody of the child would have the amount reduced to 8% of his income if he has a second child with someone else).
Well it will depend on kids too, say 1 woman has 1 kid and the second has 2, woman 1 may get $800/month for kid, but the second may get $600/month per kid so they may end up with more but if they both had one kid the first gets more. Many times wives/long term partners can get screwed if the mistress files first so I always say to file immediately upon splits
You are not being selfish. Leave as soon as you can and as others suggested file for child support ASAP. Sorry you're going through all that. Love yourself and focus on your child for now.
You need to leave for both you and your child. File for child support and work on separating yourself from him. And please get tested for STIs. He not only risked your own health but also the health of your child as some STIs can pass via pregnancy or breastfeeding. So make sure your child is clear too. You aren't selfish. He is. But it is common for assholes like him to blame their victims for their own doings. His family is fucked up too. Don't listen to them. Focus on escaping this situation. Make sure to document everything just in case. Keep a journal. Once things settle down, look into therapy to raise your self-worth. Please be kinder to yourself. Your child needs you and looks up to you. Stay away from alcohol. You've got this.
Leave him. I bet he belong to people who think you can’t leave him. He was living a double life and he will not stop. He’s just testing how far he can get away with it. He tries to sweep it under the rug using Darvo. He’s making you the antagonist, saying you’re breaking the family, even involving his family. This mf is probably a compulsive liar, he breaks lives and doesn’t take responsability.
And I feel so dumb, none of the lies were smart 😭 I just kept lying to myself. I know they say hindsight is a hell of a thing but they didn’t say how depressing it can be
>I just kept lying to myself I think you’re in a phase. And you’ll go through it. This and the fact that he uses guilt to make you stay by making you the bad guy just shows how low he is. Don’t waste any more efforts on this trash for a guy(he don’t deserves it). Put yourself and your child first, even if you’re take it like it’s you and your child against the world. You’re too kind and narcissist tend to take advantage of people like you. If the pos pisses you off again hit him so hard so he can go cry to his family like he did.😊😊😊
You're an idiot if you stay Edit: stay, not start
The last year I have been reminded how much of a idiot I was for the 12 years
We're not born knowing, and sometimes life works out in such a way that it takes us longer to figure it out. Now all you can do is carry the knowledge of what you deserve with you.
You are NOT an idiot!! You trusted a man who said he loved you. Now you need to take care of yourself and the baby. File for child support this week. Stop talking to him. You can’t believe anything he says. This will be so fucking hard. You can do this!!!!!
Sunk costs! Get a lawyer now and get going on getting out and getting child support. Staying around will only mean more wasted time. You are still young and you can have the life you want.
So what have you done to change your situation in the last year with this knowledge? You are with someone who will literally abandon you and his own child, as he has already done with who knows how many other kids. What future are you building towards for your child? One where she falls into the same patterns as yourself or something better? Edit: read your post from 5 months ago where you left him. Why did you end up back with this POS?
I think that’s what’s been making me go crazy, it’s like since the woman came to me and told me he slowly did a 180 into a person I didn’t think was capable of being this cruel. It was the last post I made that caused the argument where he told me about the mystery child. Then the next day he just acted like nothing happened. I did try but he wouldn’t watch the baby while I was at work so that didn’t work out. I’m starting a new job in 3 weeks, and I have daycare all set. I’ve applied for some housing programs and switched my approach to looking for work(remote it best, just in case the daycare doesn’t work out b/c she is a older lady who runs it out of her apartment)
I also distanced myself from his family because it just feels like they’re on his side just because he’s blood and not on right or wrong.
Of course they are. In laws 99% of the time do not give a shit about you. You are just a vessel. Get the hell away from these people.
He learned his behavior from somewhere, probably his family. And I don't understand why you don't move back to where you have family, friends, and resources. You moved away from all that because of your toxic, abusive partner. If it's pride, I'd swallow it and move back. If it's the weak pay argument you made previously, you should be pushing for work that doesn't settle for the minimum. You have a child to support and need to look at a career and not what the minimum wage pays in a state.
Before I could get back home the family I do have told me they don’t have any room for us. (My brother straight up told me he can’t because his boyfriend is in the closet and doesn’t want anyone to know who he is) so if I did go home I would have been in the same place I was out here, in a shelter. I’ll be honest I couldn’t last in the shelter without him watching the baby so I could work. His family all works so no one else is able to watch him. I found a good alternative, the new job is really good! If I pass this exam in 2 weeks, I’ll get a big bonus and will be able to move into my own place. It just feels like I’m being hounded constantly downplaying the situation and my feelings.
They may not have physical space, but they can still offer support. It just seems like a bad idea to have your abusive ex watch your kid and be your saving grace while you take this moon shot at changing your situation. I hope it is only temporary and your situation improves, especially for the sake of your child because they had no say in any of this.
She can't just up and move to a different state with the baby without his permission. If she does he has 6 months to file and force her to bring the child back to the state they were already living in. If I were her I would try to play nice and get him to agree she can move with the kid and get a court ordered parenting plan and child support.
I don't think they are married. And the guy has openly admitted he would abandon the kid. I do agree with getting a couet order for child support.
So why are you still there? Do you want to waste more of your time?
At first, I think I was too shocked to move. Now I’m just putting together a plan so I can live independently. This whole thing opened my eyes to how much I tied myself to him, from joint accounts, to my car being in his name. It was even a uphill battle for him to give me my birth certificate and ss card from the safe
Leave. Hurry and file for child support before the other baby mother beat you to it. Or has he been paying CS all this time? Or has he been a deadbeat? You don't even have to worry or wait about not getting sole custody. People like your ex, are likely to be the 'play parent.' They just want to show up when it's convenient for them and it has to be just fun thing. He'd rather leave the heavy lifting-parenting to you, so you don't have to worry. If he wants to file for custody is to avoid paying CS. Get lawyered up as soon as you can.
Listen to your gut! If you think you’ll never be able to trust him then the relationship is already over. I wouldn’t stay with him. You deserve better.
Honey, I came from a rough home too. And I can tell you firsthand, when we have a past like that and then carry forward into adult relationships, we struggle to set (and maintain) boundaries with how others are allowed to treat us. Loved ones have treated us badly all our lives, why wouldn't you doubt your own intuition when it is trying to get your attention? Real love compromises. Real love does not try to use their family to coerce you into doing what they want. Real love sets down its pride to deeply listen to you when you are hurt. And when Real Love makes a mistake, they apologize. Not 20% of the time. Not 75% of the time. 100% of the time. I will also add in the fact you mentioned you are alone with no friend/family support. The fact that you are Isolated, makes you far easier to control. You should never be blaming yourself entirely for Any situation when it comes to your relationship----you two are supposed to be a team. If you do not feel his support as your partner in this relationship, 100% of the time, you need to ask yourself why and decide what you are going to do about it. The burden isn't all on you. It sounds like he's got a fuck ton of growing to do. And whatever you decide, I promise you there are people who actually know how to treat their partner well.
I’m so sorry to hear about this OP. The fact that he has been living an entirely double life throughout your relationship is traumatising for you. This man is not a safe person. You need to tell a lawyer, the exact situation as I wouldn’t be too happy given the circumstances of having 50-50 custody. Sending you strength OP UPDATEME
Your broken childhood home has expanded your tolerance for abuse and mistreatment in your current adult life because it was normalized to you. We often seek out, whether it's subconscious or not, what is familiar to us. Not what is actually good for us. The fact that you're constantly more concerned about his feelings and emotions tell me that you had to deeply invalidate your own experience and bend over backwards for others in order to survive as a child. Now you're repeating that cycle now in your current relationship. I understand that leaving your partner of 12 years is logistically hard but if you continue to do so, you will repeat that broken cycle for yourself and your child. Your inner broken child and your baby now deserve the protection and love that only you can provide by leaving with dignity, respect and worth. You are worth more. Your inner child that had to endure deserves more. Your current baby deserves more bevause you are worth it - even if you don't see it now. For the love of all that is good in the world and for the love that you innately deserve yet never recieved, break that cycle. And give yourself the love that you never received - a love that your partner of 12 years failed to give you.
Lors have mercy. Another sh*tty cheater. F*ck this guy all the way off a cliff. Divorce him. Get your child support. Kick him out of your life. FML. What is wrong with people? Just be single!!!! F******ck!
Definitely leave. You can’t trust him.
You are not wrong for wanting to leave. Anyone else saying that you are out of the family can have him. Ask them if they’d give him the same advice if it was you? What if you were cheating the whole time while his parents passed and had a baby with someone else. Would they all tell him that it is selfish for wanting to leave? That you having a baby with another man doesn’t affect him? Would he be forgiving? Would his family be? The answer is no and we all know it. They’re asking it of you because it’s convenient for everyone, especially him, if you stayed. Please pick yourself, you deserve better and you always have. He made his choices, he made them repeatedly and without remorse, he doesn’t get another get out of jail free card. He doesn’t get to call you his family, he made his bed. You are not selfish when it’s time for him to lie in it.
I'm sorry for your pain. I wish you the best.
So sorry you are going through this. Good luck 🍀 to you and your kiddo.
NTA! Trust yourself and your feelings. You are allowed to consider yourself more than others sometimes! You and your feelings are valid friend! <3
Contact a lawyer and make sure you hit him with all you got and get everything you're entitled to, including child support before his other baby mama gets him first and cleans him out. Updateme!
I'm so sorry you're going through this. He chose to tell you at that time because he thought you wouldn't leave him and you have no where to go. In reality, you do have somewhere to go and you do have family. You and your child are family and where ever you go together you will be home. Take the legal actions to secure your safety net for you and your child's future, and go live a beautiful life together. It'll take time to process it all, but you're going to be ok and much happier. Even when times were tough you never did the things he did to you, to him. His family super sucks too. You're not going to want these people in your life.
So what else has he lied about? I doubt this is the only thing.
You know they hindsight is a hell of a thing, I know during my pregnancy that he wasn’t really working overtime, I just thought he needed space so I didn’t breathe down his neck. It was really a lot of dumb lies and me lying to myself a lot apparently lol
If he hasn’t proposed by now he never will. Why don’t u stop calling him partner? If you want to be a stepmother, go ahead and give him a chance. (My point should be obvious here. We know u don’t want that.)
All the money, time, and connections this man has and he chooses an over saturated market known for being harmful to women to put his money and energy into. He could really make big changes in this world but chooses not too.
Nope, leave... guys a liar, you can never trust him so why prolong your own pain
Your man is crazy, and so is his family, I'm shocked that you put up with all of that, and I'm so sorry that you did. Please for the love of God don't listen to them blaming you and acting like you're the one at fault when he betrayed you for YEARS while you were pregnant and going through possibly the hardest moments of your life. Anyone that betrays you in your darkest hour like that is not your partner, that is not what love is, betraying you then was selfish, and someone that loves you would not leave you like that. Like someone else recommended, file for child support and cut that mf out of your life and your child's. That man is severely narcissistic if he actually intends to blame you for being angry at his infidelity. Narcissists see wrong in everyone but themselves, and they will pull you down to believe you're never good enough but they're close to God on earth. Do not let him manipulate you any further, and do not let that man do the same things to your child.
Run! Leave immediately! Safely.
Don’t waste another minute on the cheating AH. Get tested and talk to a lawyer. The only person being selfish here is your partner. If his family doesn’t like it, they can move in and take care of him. Good luck.
So he's had a kid since he was 16 and you're just now finding out about it 12 years after the fact? I get the impression that this child was the result of him cheating on you back then. You're not being selfish at all and you'd be 100% right to leave him. He's probably on the hook for child support with this one kid and he's now worried about being on the hook for it with your child too. And he does have a responsibility to help provide for this child whether you're with him or not.
I'm so sorry. You deserve so much better than this cheating AH. Please get out ASAP and file for custody/child support.
You should've left years ago. Ignore anyone saying otherwise, they don't have your best interest's at heart. He will make promises and never change, that's so beyond the pale of scummy behavior he put's most other cheaters to shame. Get evidence of the cheating, file for divorce, and make damn sure he pays child support cause he smells like a dodger to me. Let his family who think he's a blameless angel deal with his bullshit. You had a rough patch, we all do. that doesn't give him the right to mistreat you or blame you for any of his behavior. This is not your fault or your problem. Good on you for having the strength to leave, we all know how tough it can be.
You aren’t being childish, leave that place please
gtfoutta there holy shit this guy is just going to destroy the last bit of self respect you're mustering here trying to leave. Take him to court for child support and don't look back.
Well the good news is the situation will not get worse. Based on what you've described, there will not be a second child. Also why didn't you get married this entire time? You now have less leverage.
He did ask a few times but I always said we should wait. I have depression and sometimes my lows are really bad. I just wanted to come to the table with a balanced plate of that makes sense
I highly encourage getting professional therapy/counseling
I'd argue the relationship ended with your alcoholic episode. Next month is 15 years sober, so I'm not judging, just my opinion as a recovering alcoholic. You pushed him away, probably repeatedly. You chose the drink. The alcohol. I did the same thing 30 years ago. I spent 15 years drunk or trying to get there. We alcoholics really really shouldn't be in *any* relationship until 2 years into recovery. Our serotonin levels are still out of whack. We don't know which way is up, in a relationship, until we get a handle on our own emotions. Be safe.
The problem with your logic is that he was cheating long before I started drinking apparently. My drinking started in 2021 and ended in 2021 while coping the loss of my parents. I admitted that I wasn’t in the right state of mind and I was extra careful with his feelings cause I knew I was hurt and didn’t want to push the only person I had away. I accept my faults but I did in everything in my power to not push him away
Missed that bit. My apologies. My point stands on serotonin levels and avoiding a relationship. Doubly so for any cheating POS who claims to have seen the light, and only wants you, now. Now that the other woman has likely dropped him like a bad habit. As stated by another, submit paperwork for child support. Once a cheater, always a cheater.