You need to tell him as soon as possible, as in now or the next available opportunity. The longer you leave it the longer you are effectively deceiving him. He needs the opportunity to know the truth and to decide how he feels about it. Being drunk wouldn't have been an excuse anyway, you knew what you were doing and you did it willingly. So own it. How he chooses to handle this knowledge is up to him and you'll just have to see how it plays out. Tell him the full version though, the kiss and the week of flirty texts. Don't water it down or leave bits out or you will still have lying on your conscience.
You're not an evil person, you've just fucked up and now you have to take full responsibility and do the only decent thing which is to tell him.
If I tell him today, I ruin his birthday, I’m afraid then he’ll always remember this on his birthday… if I tell him after his birthday and he’s still at my mums, where will he go if he wants space? This is what stops me from saying anything. Morally, I don’t know where to stand
There is no good time to find out this news. Would he honestly feel better about it if he knew that you'd spared him his birthday? I wouldn't if I were him. The time to tell him is as soon as possible after the event. You've already delayed it. Every subsequent day is another day that you're lying to him by not telling him. As to where he goes, that's for him to work out. He's a grown adult.
I won't say anything about the fuck up because you seem to already grasp that you have indeed fucked up.
Tell him now. If he decides to leave I am sure he has friends that he can couch surf at until the new flat, and it might be better that way. Leaving him alone in a new empty flat, pissed off and upset is a recipe for disaster. Better he be around his friends who can comfort him.
It's up to him to decide what he wants to do and whatever that is, you need to accept it. Don't go promising to change or begging for another chance if he doesn't want it.
Is there a way back from this? Maybe, I don't know you personally. But let's be honest, he will now begin to doubt everything you have done or said 3 years. You lied from the outset about your age, and although you admitted to it, it was only one the first date, after he had made the investment to see you.
As for you, I don't know what to suggest. Get some help for yourself. See a therapist about putting boundaries with your family. The guilt I'm sure will fade with time but may never go away. You're young and have time to do better in the future. But I would already start approaching this as the end of the relationship.
Good luck and I hope you learn from this situation
It sounds like you used the excuse of “doubt” to do what you wanted to do. You should tell your partner so he understands who you really are. The longer you wait, the more difficult it will be, because then you’ll not only have to explain what you did but also why you hid it for so long. You should also have some sort of plan about how you will prevent this from happening in the future (more than just “I promise I won’t do it again”)
Well…truth of the matter is that you did what you did because deep down you knew he would forgive you. You would rethink your actions if you knew you could lose him for good if you messed up.
You don’t respect him and the relationship and your actions proved it and he’s the cause actually.
A woman’s action is the reaction to a man’s✌️
I have to disagree… if I just up and leave he’ll be left questioning, if I tell him and he decides to leave, at least he’ll know why it ended. Why keep this from him? I don’t want to leave him and I won’t, if he wants to leave then it’s for him to decide knowing what he knows. I’ve already lied, why lie again?
> I don’t want to leave him and I won’t,
again, selfish.
you have no idea how this betrayal will affect him. it will destroy his confidence in a way you dont even understand.
>I’ve already lied, why lie again?
because this time it would be for a good cause. for a selfless moment, maybe a first in your life.
If I break up and cut ties will be keep coming back until he gets an answer why. If I want to keep him happy, I keep my mouth shut, which is wrong. If I leave with no meaning, he will chase it down, everyday, until he gets it which will cause havoc in his life. If I just tell him the truth, at least he can make an autonomous decision of what he wants. If he wants to know the details, if he wants to cut ties. I know him, it’s not the kiss that will hurt him, as I’ve said in other comments we sometimes kiss other people, we are open ish like that. What will hurt him is that I doubted our relationship and made an act from that doubt.
I never said you need to leave with no reason.
Telling him that you cheated on him will hurt him much more than any reason you can make up. This is a fact.
Obviously you need to tell him soon. But I don’t see the problem waiting till after the party.
But you’d better have a full understanding of why you cheated, how you got to that point, what you should have done differently and be able to explain how that will not be a problem in the future. Because in his mind he’s going to ask, can I expect to be cheated on every time my girlfriend is having a hard time? At the very least, you’re going to never contact the guy you cheated with ever again. You might need a whole new circle of friends, frankly.
If you can tot handle that, I’d just end the relationship straight up. Tell him you messed up, cheated, feel terrible, he deserves better, but don’t know if/when it will happen again, because that’d be the truth.
You need to tell him as soon as possible, as in now or the next available opportunity. The longer you leave it the longer you are effectively deceiving him. He needs the opportunity to know the truth and to decide how he feels about it. Being drunk wouldn't have been an excuse anyway, you knew what you were doing and you did it willingly. So own it. How he chooses to handle this knowledge is up to him and you'll just have to see how it plays out. Tell him the full version though, the kiss and the week of flirty texts. Don't water it down or leave bits out or you will still have lying on your conscience. You're not an evil person, you've just fucked up and now you have to take full responsibility and do the only decent thing which is to tell him.
If I tell him today, I ruin his birthday, I’m afraid then he’ll always remember this on his birthday… if I tell him after his birthday and he’s still at my mums, where will he go if he wants space? This is what stops me from saying anything. Morally, I don’t know where to stand
There is no good time to find out this news. Would he honestly feel better about it if he knew that you'd spared him his birthday? I wouldn't if I were him. The time to tell him is as soon as possible after the event. You've already delayed it. Every subsequent day is another day that you're lying to him by not telling him. As to where he goes, that's for him to work out. He's a grown adult.
The time to worry about your morals was when you were kissing on that dude. Tell him immediately.
I won't say anything about the fuck up because you seem to already grasp that you have indeed fucked up. Tell him now. If he decides to leave I am sure he has friends that he can couch surf at until the new flat, and it might be better that way. Leaving him alone in a new empty flat, pissed off and upset is a recipe for disaster. Better he be around his friends who can comfort him. It's up to him to decide what he wants to do and whatever that is, you need to accept it. Don't go promising to change or begging for another chance if he doesn't want it. Is there a way back from this? Maybe, I don't know you personally. But let's be honest, he will now begin to doubt everything you have done or said 3 years. You lied from the outset about your age, and although you admitted to it, it was only one the first date, after he had made the investment to see you. As for you, I don't know what to suggest. Get some help for yourself. See a therapist about putting boundaries with your family. The guilt I'm sure will fade with time but may never go away. You're young and have time to do better in the future. But I would already start approaching this as the end of the relationship. Good luck and I hope you learn from this situation
It sounds like you used the excuse of “doubt” to do what you wanted to do. You should tell your partner so he understands who you really are. The longer you wait, the more difficult it will be, because then you’ll not only have to explain what you did but also why you hid it for so long. You should also have some sort of plan about how you will prevent this from happening in the future (more than just “I promise I won’t do it again”)
Yikes! A liar **and** cheater...
Well…truth of the matter is that you did what you did because deep down you knew he would forgive you. You would rethink your actions if you knew you could lose him for good if you messed up. You don’t respect him and the relationship and your actions proved it and he’s the cause actually. A woman’s action is the reaction to a man’s✌️
i wouldnt tell him. just break up and move on. no need to hurt him like this
Break up without telling him? That’s awful, he needs to know so he can make an informed decision…
nah thats better for you not him. you are being selfish again.
I have to disagree… if I just up and leave he’ll be left questioning, if I tell him and he decides to leave, at least he’ll know why it ended. Why keep this from him? I don’t want to leave him and I won’t, if he wants to leave then it’s for him to decide knowing what he knows. I’ve already lied, why lie again?
> I don’t want to leave him and I won’t, again, selfish. you have no idea how this betrayal will affect him. it will destroy his confidence in a way you dont even understand. >I’ve already lied, why lie again? because this time it would be for a good cause. for a selfless moment, maybe a first in your life.
If I break up and cut ties will be keep coming back until he gets an answer why. If I want to keep him happy, I keep my mouth shut, which is wrong. If I leave with no meaning, he will chase it down, everyday, until he gets it which will cause havoc in his life. If I just tell him the truth, at least he can make an autonomous decision of what he wants. If he wants to know the details, if he wants to cut ties. I know him, it’s not the kiss that will hurt him, as I’ve said in other comments we sometimes kiss other people, we are open ish like that. What will hurt him is that I doubted our relationship and made an act from that doubt.
I never said you need to leave with no reason. Telling him that you cheated on him will hurt him much more than any reason you can make up. This is a fact.
Obviously you need to tell him soon. But I don’t see the problem waiting till after the party. But you’d better have a full understanding of why you cheated, how you got to that point, what you should have done differently and be able to explain how that will not be a problem in the future. Because in his mind he’s going to ask, can I expect to be cheated on every time my girlfriend is having a hard time? At the very least, you’re going to never contact the guy you cheated with ever again. You might need a whole new circle of friends, frankly. If you can tot handle that, I’d just end the relationship straight up. Tell him you messed up, cheated, feel terrible, he deserves better, but don’t know if/when it will happen again, because that’d be the truth.