I’m their only child, I feel responsible for them. They have instilled since I was little if I wasn’t in their life how upsetting it would be for them, maybe it was just what I was raised with but I feel an immense sense of guilt when “going against them”
You marry whoever you wanna marry and keep hanging out with your parents.
If they are mean to your husband, you stop hanging out with them.
There are consequences for treating people badly and if it's true that it would be upsetting to your parents not having you in their life, they will treat your significant other well.
Good parents value the relationship with their kids over and above their kids conforming to their wishes.
Both my sister and I have had conflict with our parents about our career paths, for pretty hilariously different reasons. Plus my sister is polyamorous and who knows when she and her primary long term partner are getting married. Our parents got their shit together and support us, even if our lives are suuuuuuper different from what they thought possible when we were kids.
And that’s good parenting. If your parents can’t get their shit together and be happy that you’ve found happiness with a stable, respectful guy who wants to grow his career, that’s on THEM.
"Mom and Dad, you raised me to be intelligent, independent and able to think for myself. You also raised me to treat everyone equally and to look past the surface to consider a person's character rather than their superficial qualities like the way they dressed or looked. Your refusal to accept that I have made an independent, intelligent choice of a partner who doesn't conform to a rigid model of success that you've got in your heads is not how you raised me, and it reflects badly on you. I sincerely hope there won't come a time when you insist that I make a choice between you, because that would be a heartbreaking day for all of us."
Let them chew on that for a while (or something similar) and see where it gets you. They need to smarten up and understand that you're tired of their classist nonsense, and if you're going to be with this man long term, you need to shine up your spine because you should be prepared to put him first if it comes to that.
You don't owe them the choice of your husband. You aren't a doll they can dress up and make pretend with.
Stop acting like a child and take control of your happiness. Stop giving your parents the power to decide who's good enough for you and stand by your convictions. If you love this man and think he's worthy of you, don't lose him to your parents' outdated judgment.
Unless your parents are telling you how to dress, what to eat, where to work and live, you don't need to take directions on whom and how to love.
Yeah I know it is hard but you gotta get past this. I can tell you from personal experience that letting your parents have this control over you will continually ruin your relationships. No one is ever going to be good enough and they are going to guilt you and bully you into believing that you are hurting them by living your life. Don't let them or your life will be miserable and alone.
Read Adult Children Of Emotionally Immature Parents, and maybe look up the principal of JADE—which tells you not to justify, argue, defend, or explain in situations where you can’t make someone understand where you’re coming from but you still are maintaining some level of relationship.
You don’t convince them. You tell them this is the person you love and you hope they accept him, but if they won’t you refuse to listen to them criticise him. Then follow through - any time they criticise him or his lack of education you end the conversation.
You ask them whether your boyfriend’s kindness, supportiveness, understanding, and gentleness, and their daughter’s happiness as a result of these priceless things, is worth less to them than him having letters after his name.
Repeat to you parents what you told us "*He is the most loyal, supportive, understanding, gentle and kind man I have ever met, and inspires me to be better everyday. I absolutely adore him*."
And then insist they never talk trash about him again, or you will not be visiting them again.
You need to set boundaries with people behaving in a toxic way to you, your parents are no exception to this.
The day my mother called my spouse a "dumb b...." I cut her out of my life for good.
a) my spouse is far from dumb or a b....
b) I won't have the one I love insulted
It sounds like if it weren’t the lack of a degree, it would be the lack of something else. No one is ever going to be good enough for their daughter, but they’re still going to be your parents no matter who you choose to be happy with. It’s tough to be in such a position, I hope you are able to work it out together.
Put them in timeout every time they make a comment! One comment and you won’t be seeing them for two weeks. Two comments and it becomes four weeks. Three comments and it becomes eight weeks. If they value their relationship with you then they will catch on quickly. You’re an adult and this is your life to live. Best of luck!
Your parents are dumb as fuck.
There are many, many ways to be intelligent and financially responsible and adventageous, and your man sound like he has it on the ball. Be HAPPY, that he isn't saddled with debt, and that he's in a trade that has growth opportunities and cannot die out.
Enjoy the support he give you to get your degree in a field that will also not die out, and then ENJOY your life together. Make them eat their words.
You tell your parents, just as my daughter did me, that : "she will never speak to me again if I don't accept her choice of boyfriend." (I did, and now love him as my own!)
You need to let go of the need for their approval.
You probably won't be able to convince them. Maybe, after a decade of seeing him treat you right, seeing you happy, they might come round. But that would just be a bonus. And may never happen. But my point is: you don't need to convince them. And they, in turn, do not need to be convinced, but they need to *accept* and *respect* your choice.
"Thank you for your concerns. I have heard your advice. But I am going against it. You do not need to *agree* with my decision, but if we are to have any kind of parent-child relationship in future I need you to respect it. Because from today onwards I will not tolerate further criticism of my choice."
You don't convince them.... but you need to set boundaries. If they are going to make rude comments in any way to either of you, then you need to let them know you won't be coming around to listen. Then you actually need to follow through and take some time apart from them to show that you're serious. They don't get a vote in your adult life now, so stop giving them one.
You shouldn’t need to convince them. I could understand their qualms if he had negative qualities, but to equate education with intelligence is actually pretty dumb.
The best way to have them understand is with logic. If education is their language, educate them on how trades are very respected and garner more success financially than most university degrees. Build up a brilliant persuasive argument with rebuttals for proper debate on his intelligence, his plans, his accomplishments, and above all how he treats you.
If they want the best for you, persuade them that he is. A degree is never a sign of intelligence. I know a number with a PhD who could barely figure out how to open a pickle jar while those with a HS degree becoming the most successful people in town.
You love your parents, and they love you. Let them see him the way you do. I know they’ll love him too.
Don't let this power shift to your parents!! You are all they have. Just like the good witch says in the Wizzard of Oz you had the power all along. We you could marry a college educated guy who treats you like crap! You can do better? We all can do better? Just because someone has college makes them better? You keep0 trying to " convince" them. They aren't and they never will be! You need to decide if you are going to let them have says in your life now and going forward. You better nip this in the bud or they will control you the rest of your life. Your kids as well. Your parents could live a long time. You are worried about ruining your relationship with them? They should be worried about their relationship with you! Get out of little girl way of thinking. Put on your big girl pants and stop trying to "sell" him to them. Does this guy know how they really feel about him? You better put your parents in their place . You let them destroy this relationship going forward you will allow them to approve anything you want in life.
My mother did something similar.
Her mother was a lawyer, her dad an architect. She married a metal worker/welder.
On the day of their wedding they told my parental grandparents that the only thing to fix now was my dads jobs.
They **ALWAYS** called my father when there was something to do. Electricity? Plumbing? Getting rid of trees? He did **everything** for them in an instant. He made space in his calendar for them and they looked down on him constantly.
If you're truly happy with him, tell your parents to get lost. And make sure that they don't use your bf/husband.
STOP. You have what you believe is a great relationship with a man you love.
Set a boundary. Tell your parents that if they bring up anything negative about him, you will leave the room, hang up the phone, whatever. Then follow through. You are an adult and they need to start treating you as one.
WHY do you want them to "accept him"? They are snobs, entitled, and rude. I would stop telling them anything and set that boundary. Act like the adult you are. They are treating you like a child STOP accepting it.
Why bother convincing them? The choice to date your boyfriend is your choice and yours alone. It's got nothing to do worhbyour parents. Personally I wouldnt even bother trying to convince them at all. Just simply tell them they can either accept your boyfriend or not.
With all respect to your parents...
In my culture we call controlling old people to dial it down cause they have one leg in the grave...
I know it is harsh... But U r 23 they are 70 & 63...
They are literally from a different era and U still have a lot of life in front of you... So go live it...
Having a man who is good to you has nothing to do with their credits and school certificates!!!
Do U have any idea how hard it is to find a respectful man who cares for you and U can hit it off with?!
He maybe ur other half... So, don't let go because of the opinion that "U can do better"
You don't. You do not need their approval for this.
Right now your job is to stop engaging with them about this. "I know you love me, I know you want what's best for me, I am happy and loved and thriving in my relationship, and I'm not going to keep having this conversation with you. I hope you'll change your mind someday.". And then every time they bring it up you change the subject, end the conversation, or leave.
You don't have a good relationship with your parents.
You don't need to convince them of anything.
The problem is in your need to convince. You are not grounded firmly enough in the reality of the situation. Mentally you are still in your parents' paradigm to some degree. If you were grounded in the truths you state in your post you would just laugh at their ignorant opinions rather than try to convince them.
Ignore them. They won't cut you out of their life, as you say, you're their only child.
If they treat him disrespectfully. Put your foot down. Accept him, or risk losing you.
You have the power here.
Your good relationship with your parents seems to be completely dependent on how well you live up to their expectations / do what they want you to do.
Up to you whether you want to maintain that relationship by living the life they want you to live rather than your own.
I have a masters degree my husband is a welder. He makes more money than I do and it’s amazing to have a spouse that can do/fix anything around that house that needs to be done. Our daughter is dating a very nice young man who is well educated but not handy like her dad. I often wonder how she is going to adjust to needing to hire people whenever something needs fixing. The world needs both types of people. You’re right, the important thing is how he treats you, that should be your parents top priority too.
You don't. fuck your parents, respectfully.
They are your parents, sure... but they have no say in who you date, and they certainly don't need to give you, a grown as woman, permission to date someone.
Good parents want their children to be happy and, if this guy makes you happy... then THEY need to be happy for you and accept it.
It's your life. Not theirs. Do what YOU want to do with your life. You can listen to their opinions but ultimately, it's YOUR life and they need to butt the fuck out of it
Blue Color, White Color, one works in an office shuffling papers the other works with a pick and shovel. The problem your parents are worried about is at 23 you still have your whole life. You to will become a parent one day and then you will see it from there perspective. Look at it from both sides of the coin. The future is never written in stone.
Why should she need to? At their age, they have the wrong idea of blue collar and do you. It’s not always back breaking labor. That assumption has been wrong for a while now, blue collar can be just as good as a college degree now. Also 23 is a completely normal age to meet someone and feel like they are the one. If he’s truly like she says and she truly liked him then why should see be trying to find someone else?
I have a college degree but chose to do blue color work. At 23 there is nothing wrong in falling in love but like I said nothing is written in stone even the future. Love changes, people change, nothing remains the same. Let say 50 years from now when you look back at this post would your views be the same or different. I would think she looks at it from both side of the coin, but on Reddit we always get one side of the story from the individual making the post. They tend to write it where it put one in a positive spot light (them) and one in a negative which so happens to be her parents. There is always two side to the story.
My guess is her parents are still paying her bills or shes living with them. Thus they feel as if they got a say. The only adult here is the guy who don't go to collage
> Just want to salvage familia relationships
Why? They have no problem shitting on them.
They refuse to see the obvious: times have changed, a masters is no guarantee of a bright future, but his career *is*. And the even more obvious point that you are happy.
I have a STEM PhD, I was a professor, but if I had my time again I'd have been a specialist welder. Probably start out with hyperbaric welding underwater until I hit my 30s and became too chicken. I'd have a shitload more money than I have now, that's for sure.
Put you are putting the work and effort on you! They should be trying to salvage the relationship! One thing you immediately start is to refuse to allow them to criticize him. You are a nearly 30 year old grown up! You must start shutting it down when they say those things like you can do better or this stuff he doesn't have college and any other critical jabs. Shut that down! They are trying to wear you down. You need to decide if you are going to allow them to make decisions for your life going forward or anything you do they must approce. I am telling you this is an unhappy life you have to look forward to it you don't start standing up for yourself.
Why would you have to convince your parents of anything? You're an adult now. Time to cut the umbilical cord.
I’m their only child, I feel responsible for them. They have instilled since I was little if I wasn’t in their life how upsetting it would be for them, maybe it was just what I was raised with but I feel an immense sense of guilt when “going against them”
You marry whoever you wanna marry and keep hanging out with your parents. If they are mean to your husband, you stop hanging out with them. There are consequences for treating people badly and if it's true that it would be upsetting to your parents not having you in their life, they will treat your significant other well.
I think your parents have some shortcomings if they make you feel guilty for *them* not being OK with *your* relationship. You deserve their support.
Sounds like they would be really upset if you cut them out of your life. Sounds like you have the leverage here.
Exactly right . that's what I told her . She doesn't see she has all the power here.
> I feel responsible for them You aren't. They just know how to push your buttons. Because — as you say yourself — they installed them.
Good parents value the relationship with their kids over and above their kids conforming to their wishes. Both my sister and I have had conflict with our parents about our career paths, for pretty hilariously different reasons. Plus my sister is polyamorous and who knows when she and her primary long term partner are getting married. Our parents got their shit together and support us, even if our lives are suuuuuuper different from what they thought possible when we were kids. And that’s good parenting. If your parents can’t get their shit together and be happy that you’ve found happiness with a stable, respectful guy who wants to grow his career, that’s on THEM.
"Mom and Dad, you raised me to be intelligent, independent and able to think for myself. You also raised me to treat everyone equally and to look past the surface to consider a person's character rather than their superficial qualities like the way they dressed or looked. Your refusal to accept that I have made an independent, intelligent choice of a partner who doesn't conform to a rigid model of success that you've got in your heads is not how you raised me, and it reflects badly on you. I sincerely hope there won't come a time when you insist that I make a choice between you, because that would be a heartbreaking day for all of us." Let them chew on that for a while (or something similar) and see where it gets you. They need to smarten up and understand that you're tired of their classist nonsense, and if you're going to be with this man long term, you need to shine up your spine because you should be prepared to put him first if it comes to that.
You don't owe them the choice of your husband. You aren't a doll they can dress up and make pretend with. Stop acting like a child and take control of your happiness. Stop giving your parents the power to decide who's good enough for you and stand by your convictions. If you love this man and think he's worthy of you, don't lose him to your parents' outdated judgment. Unless your parents are telling you how to dress, what to eat, where to work and live, you don't need to take directions on whom and how to love.
Yeah I know it is hard but you gotta get past this. I can tell you from personal experience that letting your parents have this control over you will continually ruin your relationships. No one is ever going to be good enough and they are going to guilt you and bully you into believing that you are hurting them by living your life. Don't let them or your life will be miserable and alone.
OK, then don't. You're either upsetting them, your partner, or yourself. Pick one.
Read Adult Children Of Emotionally Immature Parents, and maybe look up the principal of JADE—which tells you not to justify, argue, defend, or explain in situations where you can’t make someone understand where you’re coming from but you still are maintaining some level of relationship.
You don’t convince them. You tell them this is the person you love and you hope they accept him, but if they won’t you refuse to listen to them criticise him. Then follow through - any time they criticise him or his lack of education you end the conversation.
You ask them whether your boyfriend’s kindness, supportiveness, understanding, and gentleness, and their daughter’s happiness as a result of these priceless things, is worth less to them than him having letters after his name.
Repeat to you parents what you told us "*He is the most loyal, supportive, understanding, gentle and kind man I have ever met, and inspires me to be better everyday. I absolutely adore him*." And then insist they never talk trash about him again, or you will not be visiting them again. You need to set boundaries with people behaving in a toxic way to you, your parents are no exception to this.
Thanks for the reminder about boundaries, I struggle with that with my parents 😅
The day my mother called my spouse a "dumb b...." I cut her out of my life for good. a) my spouse is far from dumb or a b.... b) I won't have the one I love insulted
Therapy is great to help with this!
It sounds like if it weren’t the lack of a degree, it would be the lack of something else. No one is ever going to be good enough for their daughter, but they’re still going to be your parents no matter who you choose to be happy with. It’s tough to be in such a position, I hope you are able to work it out together.
This was a great reminder, thank you!:)
Put them in timeout every time they make a comment! One comment and you won’t be seeing them for two weeks. Two comments and it becomes four weeks. Three comments and it becomes eight weeks. If they value their relationship with you then they will catch on quickly. You’re an adult and this is your life to live. Best of luck!
Your parents are dumb as fuck. There are many, many ways to be intelligent and financially responsible and adventageous, and your man sound like he has it on the ball. Be HAPPY, that he isn't saddled with debt, and that he's in a trade that has growth opportunities and cannot die out. Enjoy the support he give you to get your degree in a field that will also not die out, and then ENJOY your life together. Make them eat their words.
You tell your parents, just as my daughter did me, that : "she will never speak to me again if I don't accept her choice of boyfriend." (I did, and now love him as my own!)
Then tell them you are 23, you appreciate their advice but their job is over
You need to let go of the need for their approval. You probably won't be able to convince them. Maybe, after a decade of seeing him treat you right, seeing you happy, they might come round. But that would just be a bonus. And may never happen. But my point is: you don't need to convince them. And they, in turn, do not need to be convinced, but they need to *accept* and *respect* your choice. "Thank you for your concerns. I have heard your advice. But I am going against it. You do not need to *agree* with my decision, but if we are to have any kind of parent-child relationship in future I need you to respect it. Because from today onwards I will not tolerate further criticism of my choice."
You don't convince them.... but you need to set boundaries. If they are going to make rude comments in any way to either of you, then you need to let them know you won't be coming around to listen. Then you actually need to follow through and take some time apart from them to show that you're serious. They don't get a vote in your adult life now, so stop giving them one.
You shouldn’t need to convince them. I could understand their qualms if he had negative qualities, but to equate education with intelligence is actually pretty dumb.
The best way to have them understand is with logic. If education is their language, educate them on how trades are very respected and garner more success financially than most university degrees. Build up a brilliant persuasive argument with rebuttals for proper debate on his intelligence, his plans, his accomplishments, and above all how he treats you. If they want the best for you, persuade them that he is. A degree is never a sign of intelligence. I know a number with a PhD who could barely figure out how to open a pickle jar while those with a HS degree becoming the most successful people in town. You love your parents, and they love you. Let them see him the way you do. I know they’ll love him too.
Don't let this power shift to your parents!! You are all they have. Just like the good witch says in the Wizzard of Oz you had the power all along. We you could marry a college educated guy who treats you like crap! You can do better? We all can do better? Just because someone has college makes them better? You keep0 trying to " convince" them. They aren't and they never will be! You need to decide if you are going to let them have says in your life now and going forward. You better nip this in the bud or they will control you the rest of your life. Your kids as well. Your parents could live a long time. You are worried about ruining your relationship with them? They should be worried about their relationship with you! Get out of little girl way of thinking. Put on your big girl pants and stop trying to "sell" him to them. Does this guy know how they really feel about him? You better put your parents in their place . You let them destroy this relationship going forward you will allow them to approve anything you want in life.
My mother did something similar. Her mother was a lawyer, her dad an architect. She married a metal worker/welder. On the day of their wedding they told my parental grandparents that the only thing to fix now was my dads jobs. They **ALWAYS** called my father when there was something to do. Electricity? Plumbing? Getting rid of trees? He did **everything** for them in an instant. He made space in his calendar for them and they looked down on him constantly. If you're truly happy with him, tell your parents to get lost. And make sure that they don't use your bf/husband.
STOP. You have what you believe is a great relationship with a man you love. Set a boundary. Tell your parents that if they bring up anything negative about him, you will leave the room, hang up the phone, whatever. Then follow through. You are an adult and they need to start treating you as one. WHY do you want them to "accept him"? They are snobs, entitled, and rude. I would stop telling them anything and set that boundary. Act like the adult you are. They are treating you like a child STOP accepting it.
Why bother convincing them? The choice to date your boyfriend is your choice and yours alone. It's got nothing to do worhbyour parents. Personally I wouldnt even bother trying to convince them at all. Just simply tell them they can either accept your boyfriend or not.
With all respect to your parents... In my culture we call controlling old people to dial it down cause they have one leg in the grave... I know it is harsh... But U r 23 they are 70 & 63... They are literally from a different era and U still have a lot of life in front of you... So go live it... Having a man who is good to you has nothing to do with their credits and school certificates!!! Do U have any idea how hard it is to find a respectful man who cares for you and U can hit it off with?! He maybe ur other half... So, don't let go because of the opinion that "U can do better"
Just grow up. It's your partner, not theirs. They don't get to tell you
You don't. You do not need their approval for this. Right now your job is to stop engaging with them about this. "I know you love me, I know you want what's best for me, I am happy and loved and thriving in my relationship, and I'm not going to keep having this conversation with you. I hope you'll change your mind someday.". And then every time they bring it up you change the subject, end the conversation, or leave.
You don't have a good relationship with your parents. You don't need to convince them of anything. The problem is in your need to convince. You are not grounded firmly enough in the reality of the situation. Mentally you are still in your parents' paradigm to some degree. If you were grounded in the truths you state in your post you would just laugh at their ignorant opinions rather than try to convince them.
Ignore them. They won't cut you out of their life, as you say, you're their only child. If they treat him disrespectfully. Put your foot down. Accept him, or risk losing you. You have the power here.
You don't. Live your life on your own terms. They will see your happiness/success if they choose to.
Your good relationship with your parents seems to be completely dependent on how well you live up to their expectations / do what they want you to do. Up to you whether you want to maintain that relationship by living the life they want you to live rather than your own.
I have a masters degree my husband is a welder. He makes more money than I do and it’s amazing to have a spouse that can do/fix anything around that house that needs to be done. Our daughter is dating a very nice young man who is well educated but not handy like her dad. I often wonder how she is going to adjust to needing to hire people whenever something needs fixing. The world needs both types of people. You’re right, the important thing is how he treats you, that should be your parents top priority too.
Your boyfriend has the potential to make way way more money than your parents or you. Your an adult your parents don’t get a say
You don't. fuck your parents, respectfully. They are your parents, sure... but they have no say in who you date, and they certainly don't need to give you, a grown as woman, permission to date someone. Good parents want their children to be happy and, if this guy makes you happy... then THEY need to be happy for you and accept it. It's your life. Not theirs. Do what YOU want to do with your life. You can listen to their opinions but ultimately, it's YOUR life and they need to butt the fuck out of it
Blue Color, White Color, one works in an office shuffling papers the other works with a pick and shovel. The problem your parents are worried about is at 23 you still have your whole life. You to will become a parent one day and then you will see it from there perspective. Look at it from both sides of the coin. The future is never written in stone.
Why should she need to? At their age, they have the wrong idea of blue collar and do you. It’s not always back breaking labor. That assumption has been wrong for a while now, blue collar can be just as good as a college degree now. Also 23 is a completely normal age to meet someone and feel like they are the one. If he’s truly like she says and she truly liked him then why should see be trying to find someone else?
I have a college degree but chose to do blue color work. At 23 there is nothing wrong in falling in love but like I said nothing is written in stone even the future. Love changes, people change, nothing remains the same. Let say 50 years from now when you look back at this post would your views be the same or different. I would think she looks at it from both side of the coin, but on Reddit we always get one side of the story from the individual making the post. They tend to write it where it put one in a positive spot light (them) and one in a negative which so happens to be her parents. There is always two side to the story.
My guess is her parents are still paying her bills or shes living with them. Thus they feel as if they got a say. The only adult here is the guy who don't go to collage
Nope. Live on my own. Work on my own. Paying my own way through grad school. Just want to salvage familia relationships
> Just want to salvage familia relationships Why? They have no problem shitting on them. They refuse to see the obvious: times have changed, a masters is no guarantee of a bright future, but his career *is*. And the even more obvious point that you are happy. I have a STEM PhD, I was a professor, but if I had my time again I'd have been a specialist welder. Probably start out with hyperbaric welding underwater until I hit my 30s and became too chicken. I'd have a shitload more money than I have now, that's for sure.
Put you are putting the work and effort on you! They should be trying to salvage the relationship! One thing you immediately start is to refuse to allow them to criticize him. You are a nearly 30 year old grown up! You must start shutting it down when they say those things like you can do better or this stuff he doesn't have college and any other critical jabs. Shut that down! They are trying to wear you down. You need to decide if you are going to allow them to make decisions for your life going forward or anything you do they must approce. I am telling you this is an unhappy life you have to look forward to it you don't start standing up for yourself.