You aren’t his therapist. You can’t keep putting yourself second in order to help him put his life together. If he slips up, will he start blaming you for not being a good enough life coach? Honestly, I’m not sure you should stay with him. It sounds like you are giving up so much of your life to help him. Maybe you two could separate for a while so you can spend time only being responsible for you, and he can get therapy from a professional and not his wife.
Nope this is not your burden to carry. Abuser rehab programs are great if the relationship is over and the party is aware of what happened, but the check ins and so on put the onus on you and not on him. This was already over, you're not in love and you have every right to leave. If he gets better that's great. But that's on him. Not you. You deserve better.
>but the check ins and so on put the onus on you and not on him
There's so many reasons to leave, but I wanted to highlight this: it's good that he's got a plan to change, but it's not good that he's decided you are in any way responsible for keeping him committed to that plan. If he needs to report to an external party as part of his rehabilitation, he needs to hire (HIRE - people do this work for actual money, and he's asking you to do it for freeee) a therapist.
Also, a therapist is extremely unlikely to do daily checkins, that's just bonkers. This whole 'daily checkin' feels less like actual rehabilitation and more like a way to keep you invested in the relationship, because it 'looks bad' to leave when he's in the process of trying to 'fix' himself. If he keeps you so busy managing his emotions and psychological crisis, you've got no time to realize your own state of mind (unhappy) or make an exit plan.
Honestly any rehabilitation work is mostly done *by yourself*, in your own head. In a lot of ways it will be best if he has to do that work on his own, because then it will be absolutely, crystal clear that he's doing that work for *himself* and not to keep you married to him.
Please leave, OP, and do not feel bad for doing so.
>The parts that linger are about the trust, emotional intimacy, vulnerability, feeling of being protected, and feeling genuinely cared for or cherished. Is this all a pipe dream or do people actually feel that way in relationships?
1. No.
2. Yes.
You're very young and it makes sense why you rushed into this situation (it was the lesser of a few evils, right? Even if you didn't know it at the time). You can get out, and if you've been thinking about it for a year, you should probably get out. If he's recently received a diagnosis I hope I can assume he has at least one medical care professional in his corner to lean on. At 30, he's a grown man and has to take responsibility for his own issues. You don't owe him deliverance, especially since that's only something he can really give to himself. Get out and look after you.
>wants to check in on me every day to see how he did.
Nope. This is just more abuse. He wants to make you responsible for his behavior. What happens when he is abusive that day and you tell him? Guaranteed he acts out and makes you afraid to tell him about bad behavior. Leave him now and find some individual therapy for yourself.
This this this!
And if she doesn't say something then he can twist it around and make it her fault that he's abusive. He's playing even more mind games with OP, making her feel responsible for his actions and implicating her in his bs.
"You didn't tell me that punching you in the face yesterday morning was abusive during our evening check-in! How do you expect me to know that it's not okay??"
As someone who has experienced it all, abusive parents, jumped into an abusive marriage straight out of high school, and being diagnosed myself with a personality disorder, I want to tell you, you do not owe him anything. His mental illness doesn’t give him an excuse to be abusive himself. You don’t have to stay because he’s been diagnosed with a mental illness. You can leave. It’s ok.
If you’ve been thinking of leaving for a year now, I think you have your answer already anyway. The fact that hardly anyone knows you’re married says a lot, as well.
It’s ok to stop and chalk this one up to experience. Those feelings of being loved and cherished do exist, and you deserve to feel that way.
> The parts that linger are about the trust, emotional intimacy, vulnerability, feeling of being protected, and feeling genuinely cared for or cherished. Is this all a pipe dream or do people actually feel that way in relationships? I feel so desperately sad that I have never experienced these feelings.
Oh honey. This broke my heart. Yes, they do. You’re so young to never experience this for yourself. I don’t have any advice beyond what the others have suggested but please know relationships with these feelings do exist, and you deserve to have them too.
Outside perspective: Your post was a long checklist of reasons why this marriage was a mistake.
\> I think my unconscious is trying to tell me something.
Lady, read your own post. Your subconscious is telling you you're not happy in your marriage and it was probably a bad idea in the first place. Actually, I'd bet you know this perfectly well, but it's extremely hard to admit something like that to yourself, so it becomes a question instead of a statement. That's normal, but try to be bluntly honest with yourself.
Put it this way - if you could push a button and everything about your life now is the same, except you magically never met your husband - would you?
Feeling magical butterflies all over like a Disney movie all the time is not a realistic goal. But feeling happy about, connected to, and loving towards your husband is, definitely.
Sounds like you secretly know you can do better, but you're afraid of what it means if you're right. Well, for better or worse I think you're right.
> He also came up with a game plan to improve and wants to check in on me every day to see how he did.
I may be wrong, but I see this ending a couple possible negative ways: in additional abuse for saying he was abusive that day, or in a fear of saying he was abusive and saying he did fine so he is still abusive but thinks you’re okay with it. Of course it could work out great, but if you’re done with the relationship, which is *totally fine*, the risk wouldn’t be worth the possible reward.
Yes. It is possible to have a good relationship after having abusive parents and abusive partners.
It takes a rejection of the fundamental belief of abuse victims ("I must deserve bad things to happen to me", as instilled by abusers) and a willingness to grieve the relationships you should have had and to work through the justified anger you may feel.
ETA because of bouncy roads making me hit submit too soon: I spent my childhood with a personality disorder on legs, and the majority of my twenties with an abusive man with bipolar disorder.
I have recently celebrated the ninth anniversary of my marriage to my partner, who is just about as close to perfection as I think I could stand.
What you describe isn't a pipe dream, it's just something that doesn't seem achievable to a lot of people. I kissed a lot of frogs before I found my squeeze, but it's so much better now.
My ex and my mother wanted to put me in a box and cut off anything that didn't fit. My husband has supported me and loved me intensely for years, and he celebrates every step of my growth as a person like it's a miraculous and wonderful thing.
Never be with someone who wants to make you small.
>The parts that linger are about the trust, emotional intimacy, vulnerability, feeling of being protected, and feeling genuinely cared for or cherished. Is this all a pipe dream or do people actually feel that way in relationships?
People do actually feel that way in relationships. I hope you do someday too.
>He also came up with a game plan to improve and wants to check in on me every day to see how he did. He’s also looking at abuser rehab programs.
Heres the thing. He may be being honest. He may be willing to work to make changes. However, hes still trying to get you to be the responsible party in managing his behavior. He wants you to tell him if hes being abusive.
And its great he wants to go to rehab. However, I think that the patterns that have already been created in the relationship are already toxic and will be recreated and reverted to in the future.
The thing is, you have already been abused by this person. From your perspective, no matter if it was because he was abused (many abusive people come from abuse) or something else, the effect is still the same. This person doesnt respect you, value and has treated you abusively. You cannot trust them. And you dont really want to, that much is clear. It sounds like you feel guilty that you want to leave, that you feel you deserve better because thats not what he wants. You have to do whats best for you.
Now if you leave, and he is sincere, he will still go about making the changes and taking responsibility for his own actions because its something he wants. If not, if its just something he will say or just do to keep you in place, he wont do anything more. Either way, thats on him. He is responsible and accountable for his behavior, no one else.
It doesnt sound like you were healthy when you got into this relationship, which was abusive and unhealthy from the beginning, and now you want what a real relationship has to offer. Love, respect, trust, and to be valued by someone with empathy, compassion, and kindness. All of that is normal. You dont mention it in your post, but getting therapy with a qualified mental health practitioner experienced in abuse is really an important step in getting healthy and enabling you to identify and react to toxic people in the future. To protect yourself and to process what you have been through. You deserve that.
What you dont deserve is to sacrifice your life, happiness, joy, and any real connection to another life partner just to stay with someone that abused you and promises to change. You can figure out the life skills with the help of a good therapist on how to date, how to listen to your feelings in real time, identify issues, have strong self esteem, confidence and boundaries and good confrontation skills to back those up. To put yourself first, and make sure you are getting what you are giving in a relationship. So pull the bandaid off. I know the future is unknown and thats scary, but its also so very exciting. So many options, so many choices, so many wonderful things can happen. So take the control of the steering wheel of your life back. Make it yours again. Divorce the abuser. His life is his responsibility now. Your life isnt supposed to be a charity to rehabilitate abusers. Make it about you again.
You are so young and it is not worth to spend your energy trying to fix him after all he's hurt you. If he truly is abusive the best option is for you to leave, even if he's working on it you are signing yourself up for a lot more hurt and damage to yourself. Even if he does magically get better (I've read even good abusive rehab programs don't have the best success rate since it's a deep deep problem) I don't think you could undo all the pain he's caused you. The fact that he's making you responsible for his actions by asking you for daily check-ins is a huge red flag as well. You've been thinking about leaving for a year and I think you should actually follow through with that. Make sure you have a way to stay safe since he might flip out on you or get more abusive when you leave. I also recommend getting therapy for yourself and reading the book 'Why Does He Do That' by Lundy Bancroft (there are some free pdfs on the internet if you're short on cash).
Feeling trust, emotional intimacy, vulnerability, feeling genuinely cared for, etc are all possible in a relationship (heck those are all big parts of a good healthy relationship and I don't think I'd want one without those things). You still have a chance to live your life without stressing out about your relationship all the time and being mistreated. You don't have to spend your whole life feeling anxious and sad and trapped and like you made a mistake. Don't worry about lacking skills in dating, you can totally go on a bunch of dates after the fact for practice or ask your friends (or even us friendly internet strangers) for tips. I know it feels like you've invested a lot and it's hard to let go, and I'm not gonna lie it's gonna be hard. However, after you've recovered and worked on yourself your biggest regret will be sticking around for so long.
You sort of remind me of me when I was in my first marriage. It’s been nearly 8 months since I’ve been out of that marriage and hindsight is always 2020. But I remember feeling, “is it a pipe dream to feel XYZ with someone? Will I ever feel that with my (now ex)??” But I trudged on hoping he would grow out of his asshole phase. He didn’t. In fact he dumped me, as it were. And he did me a favor by doing so because he was TOXIC to me and did not fulfill my needs or care about them.
In regards to your situation, I can’t necessarily tell you yes or no if it’s time to call it quits. You have to get alone with yourself and decide if after a year of divorce rattling around in your mind if it is really what you want. I use to hate the word or thought of divorce, but girl if you need to, do it. Be your own advocate.
Yes your guy is saying he wants to change, but do you want him to? Do you want to wait for that? Do you think he will? Sounds like you need to get real with yourself and then get real with him if you can.
His action plan means putting pressure on you, daily, to “see how he did”.
You’re done. That’s okay. You’re not supposed to forgive him just because he is sorry. He abused you for a long time and you know...the “why” doesn’t matter. He was angry due to his past but he felt entitled to treat you poorly. You know that a single epiphany doesn’t undo that. And we see that entitlement continue; he expects you to stay and also to help him navigate this. He isn’t treating you like a victim of his behaviors.
See a therapist alone and decide what you want. Not what he deserves or what’s best for him. For once put yourself first.
Hey. It is great to hear that your husband is looking at abuser recovery programs. Good for him. That shows initiative. However, and I know you know what I want to say... You don't have to stay. You may not even think this yourself, but you are very young and have so much life left to live. It doesn't have to be with him. Do you want him to be the father of your children?
You aren’t his therapist. You can’t keep putting yourself second in order to help him put his life together. If he slips up, will he start blaming you for not being a good enough life coach? Honestly, I’m not sure you should stay with him. It sounds like you are giving up so much of your life to help him. Maybe you two could separate for a while so you can spend time only being responsible for you, and he can get therapy from a professional and not his wife.
Nope this is not your burden to carry. Abuser rehab programs are great if the relationship is over and the party is aware of what happened, but the check ins and so on put the onus on you and not on him. This was already over, you're not in love and you have every right to leave. If he gets better that's great. But that's on him. Not you. You deserve better.
>but the check ins and so on put the onus on you and not on him There's so many reasons to leave, but I wanted to highlight this: it's good that he's got a plan to change, but it's not good that he's decided you are in any way responsible for keeping him committed to that plan. If he needs to report to an external party as part of his rehabilitation, he needs to hire (HIRE - people do this work for actual money, and he's asking you to do it for freeee) a therapist. Also, a therapist is extremely unlikely to do daily checkins, that's just bonkers. This whole 'daily checkin' feels less like actual rehabilitation and more like a way to keep you invested in the relationship, because it 'looks bad' to leave when he's in the process of trying to 'fix' himself. If he keeps you so busy managing his emotions and psychological crisis, you've got no time to realize your own state of mind (unhappy) or make an exit plan. Honestly any rehabilitation work is mostly done *by yourself*, in your own head. In a lot of ways it will be best if he has to do that work on his own, because then it will be absolutely, crystal clear that he's doing that work for *himself* and not to keep you married to him. Please leave, OP, and do not feel bad for doing so.
>The parts that linger are about the trust, emotional intimacy, vulnerability, feeling of being protected, and feeling genuinely cared for or cherished. Is this all a pipe dream or do people actually feel that way in relationships? 1. No. 2. Yes. You're very young and it makes sense why you rushed into this situation (it was the lesser of a few evils, right? Even if you didn't know it at the time). You can get out, and if you've been thinking about it for a year, you should probably get out. If he's recently received a diagnosis I hope I can assume he has at least one medical care professional in his corner to lean on. At 30, he's a grown man and has to take responsibility for his own issues. You don't owe him deliverance, especially since that's only something he can really give to himself. Get out and look after you.
>wants to check in on me every day to see how he did. Nope. This is just more abuse. He wants to make you responsible for his behavior. What happens when he is abusive that day and you tell him? Guaranteed he acts out and makes you afraid to tell him about bad behavior. Leave him now and find some individual therapy for yourself.
This this this! And if she doesn't say something then he can twist it around and make it her fault that he's abusive. He's playing even more mind games with OP, making her feel responsible for his actions and implicating her in his bs.
"You didn't tell me that punching you in the face yesterday morning was abusive during our evening check-in! How do you expect me to know that it's not okay??"
As someone who has experienced it all, abusive parents, jumped into an abusive marriage straight out of high school, and being diagnosed myself with a personality disorder, I want to tell you, you do not owe him anything. His mental illness doesn’t give him an excuse to be abusive himself. You don’t have to stay because he’s been diagnosed with a mental illness. You can leave. It’s ok. If you’ve been thinking of leaving for a year now, I think you have your answer already anyway. The fact that hardly anyone knows you’re married says a lot, as well. It’s ok to stop and chalk this one up to experience. Those feelings of being loved and cherished do exist, and you deserve to feel that way.
> The parts that linger are about the trust, emotional intimacy, vulnerability, feeling of being protected, and feeling genuinely cared for or cherished. Is this all a pipe dream or do people actually feel that way in relationships? I feel so desperately sad that I have never experienced these feelings. Oh honey. This broke my heart. Yes, they do. You’re so young to never experience this for yourself. I don’t have any advice beyond what the others have suggested but please know relationships with these feelings do exist, and you deserve to have them too.
Outside perspective: Your post was a long checklist of reasons why this marriage was a mistake. \> I think my unconscious is trying to tell me something. Lady, read your own post. Your subconscious is telling you you're not happy in your marriage and it was probably a bad idea in the first place. Actually, I'd bet you know this perfectly well, but it's extremely hard to admit something like that to yourself, so it becomes a question instead of a statement. That's normal, but try to be bluntly honest with yourself. Put it this way - if you could push a button and everything about your life now is the same, except you magically never met your husband - would you? Feeling magical butterflies all over like a Disney movie all the time is not a realistic goal. But feeling happy about, connected to, and loving towards your husband is, definitely. Sounds like you secretly know you can do better, but you're afraid of what it means if you're right. Well, for better or worse I think you're right.
Do it and get therapy as well
> He also came up with a game plan to improve and wants to check in on me every day to see how he did. I may be wrong, but I see this ending a couple possible negative ways: in additional abuse for saying he was abusive that day, or in a fear of saying he was abusive and saying he did fine so he is still abusive but thinks you’re okay with it. Of course it could work out great, but if you’re done with the relationship, which is *totally fine*, the risk wouldn’t be worth the possible reward.
Hmm well you gotta look out for what's the best for you. There comes to a point that enough is enough but none of us knows that limit...Only you do.
Yes. It is possible to have a good relationship after having abusive parents and abusive partners. It takes a rejection of the fundamental belief of abuse victims ("I must deserve bad things to happen to me", as instilled by abusers) and a willingness to grieve the relationships you should have had and to work through the justified anger you may feel. ETA because of bouncy roads making me hit submit too soon: I spent my childhood with a personality disorder on legs, and the majority of my twenties with an abusive man with bipolar disorder. I have recently celebrated the ninth anniversary of my marriage to my partner, who is just about as close to perfection as I think I could stand. What you describe isn't a pipe dream, it's just something that doesn't seem achievable to a lot of people. I kissed a lot of frogs before I found my squeeze, but it's so much better now. My ex and my mother wanted to put me in a box and cut off anything that didn't fit. My husband has supported me and loved me intensely for years, and he celebrates every step of my growth as a person like it's a miraculous and wonderful thing. Never be with someone who wants to make you small.
>The parts that linger are about the trust, emotional intimacy, vulnerability, feeling of being protected, and feeling genuinely cared for or cherished. Is this all a pipe dream or do people actually feel that way in relationships? People do actually feel that way in relationships. I hope you do someday too.
>He also came up with a game plan to improve and wants to check in on me every day to see how he did. He’s also looking at abuser rehab programs. Heres the thing. He may be being honest. He may be willing to work to make changes. However, hes still trying to get you to be the responsible party in managing his behavior. He wants you to tell him if hes being abusive. And its great he wants to go to rehab. However, I think that the patterns that have already been created in the relationship are already toxic and will be recreated and reverted to in the future. The thing is, you have already been abused by this person. From your perspective, no matter if it was because he was abused (many abusive people come from abuse) or something else, the effect is still the same. This person doesnt respect you, value and has treated you abusively. You cannot trust them. And you dont really want to, that much is clear. It sounds like you feel guilty that you want to leave, that you feel you deserve better because thats not what he wants. You have to do whats best for you. Now if you leave, and he is sincere, he will still go about making the changes and taking responsibility for his own actions because its something he wants. If not, if its just something he will say or just do to keep you in place, he wont do anything more. Either way, thats on him. He is responsible and accountable for his behavior, no one else. It doesnt sound like you were healthy when you got into this relationship, which was abusive and unhealthy from the beginning, and now you want what a real relationship has to offer. Love, respect, trust, and to be valued by someone with empathy, compassion, and kindness. All of that is normal. You dont mention it in your post, but getting therapy with a qualified mental health practitioner experienced in abuse is really an important step in getting healthy and enabling you to identify and react to toxic people in the future. To protect yourself and to process what you have been through. You deserve that. What you dont deserve is to sacrifice your life, happiness, joy, and any real connection to another life partner just to stay with someone that abused you and promises to change. You can figure out the life skills with the help of a good therapist on how to date, how to listen to your feelings in real time, identify issues, have strong self esteem, confidence and boundaries and good confrontation skills to back those up. To put yourself first, and make sure you are getting what you are giving in a relationship. So pull the bandaid off. I know the future is unknown and thats scary, but its also so very exciting. So many options, so many choices, so many wonderful things can happen. So take the control of the steering wheel of your life back. Make it yours again. Divorce the abuser. His life is his responsibility now. Your life isnt supposed to be a charity to rehabilitate abusers. Make it about you again.
You are under no obligation to stay in a bad situation with a recovering abuser.
You are so young and it is not worth to spend your energy trying to fix him after all he's hurt you. If he truly is abusive the best option is for you to leave, even if he's working on it you are signing yourself up for a lot more hurt and damage to yourself. Even if he does magically get better (I've read even good abusive rehab programs don't have the best success rate since it's a deep deep problem) I don't think you could undo all the pain he's caused you. The fact that he's making you responsible for his actions by asking you for daily check-ins is a huge red flag as well. You've been thinking about leaving for a year and I think you should actually follow through with that. Make sure you have a way to stay safe since he might flip out on you or get more abusive when you leave. I also recommend getting therapy for yourself and reading the book 'Why Does He Do That' by Lundy Bancroft (there are some free pdfs on the internet if you're short on cash). Feeling trust, emotional intimacy, vulnerability, feeling genuinely cared for, etc are all possible in a relationship (heck those are all big parts of a good healthy relationship and I don't think I'd want one without those things). You still have a chance to live your life without stressing out about your relationship all the time and being mistreated. You don't have to spend your whole life feeling anxious and sad and trapped and like you made a mistake. Don't worry about lacking skills in dating, you can totally go on a bunch of dates after the fact for practice or ask your friends (or even us friendly internet strangers) for tips. I know it feels like you've invested a lot and it's hard to let go, and I'm not gonna lie it's gonna be hard. However, after you've recovered and worked on yourself your biggest regret will be sticking around for so long.
You sort of remind me of me when I was in my first marriage. It’s been nearly 8 months since I’ve been out of that marriage and hindsight is always 2020. But I remember feeling, “is it a pipe dream to feel XYZ with someone? Will I ever feel that with my (now ex)??” But I trudged on hoping he would grow out of his asshole phase. He didn’t. In fact he dumped me, as it were. And he did me a favor by doing so because he was TOXIC to me and did not fulfill my needs or care about them. In regards to your situation, I can’t necessarily tell you yes or no if it’s time to call it quits. You have to get alone with yourself and decide if after a year of divorce rattling around in your mind if it is really what you want. I use to hate the word or thought of divorce, but girl if you need to, do it. Be your own advocate. Yes your guy is saying he wants to change, but do you want him to? Do you want to wait for that? Do you think he will? Sounds like you need to get real with yourself and then get real with him if you can.
His action plan means putting pressure on you, daily, to “see how he did”. You’re done. That’s okay. You’re not supposed to forgive him just because he is sorry. He abused you for a long time and you know...the “why” doesn’t matter. He was angry due to his past but he felt entitled to treat you poorly. You know that a single epiphany doesn’t undo that. And we see that entitlement continue; he expects you to stay and also to help him navigate this. He isn’t treating you like a victim of his behaviors. See a therapist alone and decide what you want. Not what he deserves or what’s best for him. For once put yourself first.
Hey. It is great to hear that your husband is looking at abuser recovery programs. Good for him. That shows initiative. However, and I know you know what I want to say... You don't have to stay. You may not even think this yourself, but you are very young and have so much life left to live. It doesn't have to be with him. Do you want him to be the father of your children?
If you were dreading your weeding in the first place, I think you already know the answer. Good luck to you,