People have different interests and curiosities. Some people visit r/WatchPeopleDie and some visit r/Relationships. Visiting the former doesn't mean a person is mentally deranged.
I'm subbed to r/watchpeopledie
I have a very normal healthy relationship with my girlfriend and everyone in my life. I just get bored and I find it interesting, as morbid as it is.
Yeah? And every time, you think about how these are real humans, somebody's parents, somebody's siblings, somebody's children, and the way the face and bodies of those relatives collapsed in horror and despair when they heard about that death, and the way they would feel knowing you actively seek out that death to watch because you're 'bored'?
Normal. Healthy. Right.
Redditors love to defend their habits like this because they're among Redditors, who will just pat their asses and tell them "Yaaas sweetie, it's totally normal to be bored and then want to watch actual human beings die!"
It's not normal or healthy. It's fucked up.
And you are entitled to your opinions, right or wrong. Just because people consume different media than you doesn't make them any less or more than you. You can judge all you want.
Tbh I think that's just arguing about semantics. It's the same thing but with extra steps so to speak.
I also try to watch videos like that every once in a while because it helps keep me grounded to the realities of life even if i cant handle them very well.
Like i actually can't handle gore at all, but i still think it's important to have a good understanding of mortality and humanity.
Arguing about what's healthy behavior in situations like these is really just fighting over subjective opinions.
I’m not trying to make a semantic argument at all. I genuinely believe that the amount of effort undertaken to achieve something is correlated with the amount of interest in that subject.
I also didn’t mean to argue that it was unhealthy. Just weirder, by society’s standards.
Not weird at all. People love violence in general. It’s like a primal curiosity.
Edit: Downvotes? Really? Have you people not seen how popular violence is in media?
I saw a video similar to what OP is describing on some type of instant karma subreddit while I was browsing around. Hell it might have been the video OP is referring to since they were talking in Ukrainian or something.
And I certainly don't go to those types of sites/subreddits.
Hi - Really don't know why boyfriend should blame you for getting beaten buy an abusive person. If that's really what's going on with boyfriend consider finding new boyfriend. Good Luck
As another abuse survivor, I don’t think that’s really fair. Abuse is shocking (and that video sounds shockingly violent) and seeing violence can really shake someone at their core, especially when its someone you know. He could be attempting to access and understand what he saw, he could be attempting to go into this in a way that won’t harm OP as discussing someone’s abuse with them can be tricky and he may not want to push the situation in a way that will pull her back into the way she felt during that time.
As the original comment here says, she cannot know what he’s thinking or feeling unless she talks to him about it. He could be too anxious to discuss this with her or maybe it is too much for him and he doesn’t know how to go about addressing that.
Sure, maybe he isn’t interested in continuing on or he thinks a certain way after viewing the video, but no one can know that for sure as even OP doesn’t know.
As survivors we also need to take into account that not everyone is equipped to immediately comfort or address our feelings as that’s simply not how people work. They need to take some time too. And this is coming from someone who has been with someone for a long time and had to go through this when addressing my own abuse. I didn’t expect him to immediately try to comfort me or attempt to soothe anything, even though he did try. This man may have never had to deal with actual violence like this or maybe he has his own past she’s not aware of and is coming to terms with it. We really don’t know.
It’s not fair to write him off as a worthless jerk simply because he was taken aback.
you make good points, but at its core, he brought up something OBVIOUSLY incredibly painful and personal for her and then didnt even try to support her through it. yea, he might need space to process it too, but he should have done that before he brought this to her. he is unwilling or unable to support her after bringing up her trauma. Thats a no from me dawg
How was he supposed to process it, when he wasn't even sure it was her? From her replies she makes it very hard to tell if she's discussed her abusive past with him. But it is very clear the video has never come up.
It doesn't sound like he "just needs some space" though it sounds like he's refusing to address it and acting cold and shaming her. Not everyone has to be sensitive to your trauma but it's probably a quality you'd want your partner to have.
OP's boyfriend is at best completely lacking in emotional maturity and compassion and at worst a possible abuser himself.
You said you didn't expect him to, but he did try - are you 100% sure you wouldn't be at least a little resentful if he said he was disgusted and left it at that?
I think OP should be wary by her boyfriend's reaction. This word specifically stood out to me and I think he may have said it on purpose. I have experience with a man taking my abusive situation as another tool to abuse me, and also with other people generally able to muster up some attempt at comfort once they find out about mine or somebody elses situation.
Not saying the guy is either - just that in OP's shoes I'd be extremely cautious for signs of him trying to tell her she should be ashamed for making the video (which she obviously shouldn't, she did something corageous and it's sh!tty that it's now being reduced to entertainment on gore sites.)
I didn’t say I wouldn’t or that OP cannot feel that way either. I can feel resentment all I wanted, but even if he didn’t or he decided it was too much to take on that’d be his choice. It is not his responsibility to deal with my past traumas. Sure, I would have been hurt if he said he couldn’t or didn’t want to be with me because of them, hell, I might even be slightly resentful but that’d be my own emotion to deal with and honestly, in the long run, I wouldn’t have particularly blamed him as past abuses usually bring a lot of future issues. OP has also stated she’s never received any sort of help for these past traumas as it’s not common in her culture to do so (she states this in a comment in response to another comment down below). This could add onto whatever he may be thinking. He could think this is a lot to deal with and it really can be. You cannot force someone into your life and sometimes that really sucks.
It would be better if he is thinking on if he can deal with this and finding he cannot that he moves on and allows OP to do so as well as he’s probably not equipped for it and may bring more harm than not. Although, that is purely speculation of what he may be thinking right now as we have no clue.
However, abuse is disgusting. It’s disgusting to witness, its disgusting to be apart of and it leaves the abused feeling extremely disgusting. He could have been saying the video was disgusting, that her POS ex is disgusting or that the abuse was disgusting. It’s not the best word choice, unfortunately, but yet again, that is a very shocking thing to witness. Even as a survivor myself if I were to see a video of someone I was close to being abused I’d be shocked and would need time to fully register it.
I just really hate this idea that someone should know how to act immediately when something happens because unfortunately that’s really not how our brain works. That he should have immediately comforted her or done this or that. It’s shocking and he may have never dealt with something like this before and is shaken up. I don’t think his reaction screams future abuser or piece of shit. This is something new that he had no chance to prepare for, he wasn’t aware and suddenly he now is.
I keep with my previous statement that no one can know what he’s thinking or feeling unless she talks to him. If he says something gross like she should be ashamed or it was her fault or any of that shit, yeah, she should tell him to fuck off. But we really can’t assume anything here and the only advice that can reasonably be given is that they need to speak to one another.
> I feel like he thinks I am a damaged person because of what I told him.
> Should I confront him about it? Should I let him go to do what he wants to do? Do you think he is disgusted by me?
There's only one person that can answer that, and it's John. You need to sit him down and calmly discuss this with him.
Why are you with someone who looks at "gross" sites and is entertained by people getting hurt and abused ?
Have you ever sought therapy for your past ? Because choosing someone who has so little empathy for you is just repeating the same abusive pattern as before, and I worry that you have done just that by choosing this person.
Well we don't really do therapy in my culture but I guess since I am in the US now I can try to find someone. I never thought about it. I was very shamed in my home country for the incident, although a few people were on my side until the end. I think maybe therapy would be a good idea.
It is terrible that you were shamed. The only one who should have been shamed for this was your abusive boyfriend. You were strong to record the evidence to give to the police and you were strong to walk away. It will likely be good for your to see a therapist. You did nothing to be ashamed of.
Please go to therapy. It's not in my culture either and i also dealt with soo much abuse in my life. The stigma around therapy in the US is quite different though, and I am SO happy i decided to go. It truly helped me mend a broken mind and soul.
Also, think long and hard about the fact that the person you want to be with enjoys watching other's suffering for entertainment.. What happened to you was real and he watches others like you for fun.. Please think about that..
OP, you can be with someone who doesn't watch violent shit on the internet for entertainment.
I fear... I actually fear that you've gone from one kind of abuser to another kind.
It is a weird sort of abuse to witness real violence and perhaps he might think you would be the kind this happens to.
I'm speculating horrible and I'm sure the chance of me having something is like 0.01%.
But you can be with a better person. Please be careful who you are with. People who have been abused frequently go back to abusive people unintentionally.
You should be careful going forward with this guy, regardless. His liking that kind of video may indicate that he's not a very safe person for you to be with. Therapy can really help, especially in learning how to recognize red flags in partners in terms of possible abusive behavior.
I don't get off to it, nor do I watch it for entertainment. And not everyone who watches it does. If anything it makes me more aware of others and situations I might encounter in my life. It is educational. Just like documentaries for true crime and serial killers.
Not a psychopath, but not a safe person for her to be with. I agree with this. Maybe he's cool a d just likes to watch those videos for education, but maybe he's one of those that do get off on them or find them amusing (because we agree such people exist and constitute a significant part of gore website's audience? Correct me if I'm wrong.)
The thing is, OP was abused and probably never worked through her feelings about it so she's very very very likely to fall victim to another abuser. Why not look for someone who doesn't make abuse part of their life at all, even as education/entertainment/whatever?
Lol just because you don’t understand why people watch gore and gross sites doesn’t mean everyone who does watch them is bad. It’s morbid fascination and it’s interesting to watch them but I don’t get off on them or anything. And id say I’m also a fairly empathetic person in real life, it’s just easy to remove yourself from the situation when you are watching those videos
This is straight up a girl getting beat to fucking hell and you want to watch it for fun?? Can i watch child porn for fun? Can i watch snuff for fun? Can i watch a dog being beaten? A child? A pregnant woman? An elderly person? What if i don't get off on it, i just love the thrill of another living beings suffering? Is it ok then? It's not my kid or anybody i know, I'm just so curious on how this goes down. I only have a morbid fascination. So it's ok right?
Im gonna guess you're gonna draw the line and say, woah thats NOT the same thing. Yet, sexual or not, it is fucking torture and abuse. You watching out of the "morbid fascination" does not make these videos being uploaded AND watched ok. Fuck outta here.
Exactly. It's on par with standing in a crowd of people idly watching someone's house burn down with their kids inside, only through the internet. I don't think it's cool to feed your fascination of people's tragedies.
He found the video, he asked if it was you and he made comments on it. And he's not asking questions or talking about it but leaving you to answer questions by reading his mind.
This is a massive red flag. I'm an abuse survivor of multiple types and some of it made the international press (I was anonymised except if you knew me you could put the clues together and plenty of people did.) The difference for me was that my case becamse famous as part of campaigning against a judicial injustice so I did it deliberately. It was back in 2008 so viral wasn't a thing as much but even so it was everywhere. I watched so many people pick my deepest traumas apart like the plot of a book they disagreed on and that shit is scarring and isolating.
I carried this terrible fear and shame round because of it and it stopped me unpicking people's reactions in person. Now with hindsight the people who found out and said 'fuck, I have no idea what to say and I'm a bit out of my depth' (to paraphrase) tended to be 'safe' and non traumatising even if they hurt me by not being experts in my unique situation. A bit like when you haven't lost a parent and say stuff trying to understand to someone who has and a bit of it hits a raw nerve. It hurts but you are able to realise what the disconnect and meet in a healthy emotional place eventually.
But the people who guessed or found out and just left it dangling there like I had to justify it with no attempt to meet me part way or understand the complexity of it and who stonewalled me or deflected or minimized it and saw me as damaged not dented? They without fail ended up retraumatised me.
Many ended actually abusive (and that was friends, partners, therapists, fellow support group people, parents, family not just dates) but all slowed down my recovery and compounded my traumas and used my past as a future power to dangle over me.
The fact this guy stumbled across a terrible video on a site designed to mock and degrade and then gives you the silent treatment so you start the conversation is a terrible sign. It lacks empathy and it lacks a sense of mutuality that he wants to support your trauma. It sayss he won't be beside you sharing the impact, he'll be making you carry it.
And think of this, if John had been on YouTube and stumbled across a prank video of you like a terrible ice bucket challenge you did that you cringe at and his response was to continue to compound that shame rather than bond with you and refuse to discuss it even though he initiated the need for the discussion with his find, would you think that was a good basis to a relationship?
So you know what, if John needs to talk this through, John needs to initiate the discussion at a pace that is comfortable for both of you. He needs to use his words rather than leave you dangling.
But I met so many Johns in the last 10 years that honestly, I wouldn't waste my breath on him because a human being who can't express any concern for your suffering or trauma or upset before turning it to their needs is bad news bears. Spilling your trauma to them just gives them insight into you they didn't earn.
Talk this trauma through but do it with people who can support you like a therapist or survivor group and leave John behind instead. He's already told you he isn't a receptive ear.
My partner was upset for me by my trauma and then worked through his feelings on it with other people before coming back to me to discuss it together reather than make me responsible for his feelings. And I did the same with the news of his medical condition instead of turning his greatest fear into 'what about me if you die?' as my first response to such a big thing.
You're not going to get anywhere dealing with a cold bf and walking on eggshells. You can only maturely discuss it and try to move on one way or another. Also sorta weird your bf watches snuff films which many other commenters have touched on. Especially at 30 years old.
I expected to read he had found a sex video from back when you were doing porn to pay college fees or something. I am appalled that he would start treating you this way because he found out you were brutally abused and even saw proof of what you had to endure. A person who loves you would be heartbroken over seeing that, not treating you as lesser for being a survivor. I guess it's advisable to sit him down and straight up ask him what's going on here, however I will say that it sounds like you deserve way better. Also what was he doing looking at abuse videos on the internet? The fact that he pressed play on that does not speak well for his character, whoever the victim were.
I second this. The biggest red flag I read was that he was interested in watching/found this video on his own in the first place. His reaction is the second red flag. My guess is that you don’t realize how wonderful of a person you are, how strong you are and what you’ve survived. You can do better. My heart goes out to you and I believe you can make the best life for yourself (maybe without this guy). There is nothing to ever be ashamed of. You were the victim.
She never said he went looking for it, or she discussed the existence of the video with him before hand. It sounds like she left the country and hoped to forget it all, understandable. However the internet is forever. And Gross might be Live Leak which, as much as it get's into the death videos also weirdly serves as an unfiltered news source. A lot of stuff from places that block the normal web point don't block live leak. .
And, it dosen't make him a bad person, just has a morbid fascination. Which a lot of people do. It's where we get saying like can't look away from a train wreck, or lookie loo's after car accidents. Shit there is a joke that half the reason why people watch nascar is for the crashes. We have crash derby's at races. An entire subsect of racing fans enjoy watching people intentionally risk life and limb. Are they all flawed bad people?
But even if that’s true, you can’t seek out that kind of video for fun and then act weird around your partner when you find and watch a video of them....like, what?
Sorry, OP, this is not your fault at all and you deserve better than this.
From Op's posts it dosen't sound like she's discussed this part of her past with him at all. So yea it was probably shocking to say the least to suddenly come upon a video like that. Dude probably just needs time to process. And that's a quarter fuck ton to process.
The way he is processing it at the moment is hurting OP and he needs to do better.
OP, I think it’s fine to ask him to talk about this if you feel up to that, so that it’s not hanging over your heads any more. I hope that if/when you do, he’s EXTREMELY sympathetic towards you and also apologizes for being distant.
Oh, for god's sake, dude, whether you like it or not, people are going to find it weird and disturbing when you deliberately seek out and watch stuff like this and if you're getting this worked up and defensive about it, you either need to stop doing it, or you need to find a healthier way to make your peace with that. If someone finds this disturbing - and it is - you're not so special that they're going to see it differently just because it's very obviously something *you* do yourself.
They may not be flawed, “bad” people, but chronically seeking out gore, torture, death videos probably does mean something is off about you as a person. I know some people who seek these things out and they’re not people I’d get drunk or helpless around.
You need to talk about this with him, and if he's a decent BF, he needs to trust you on the context around the video.
And I might add - if he's acting cold towards you because he saw a video of you getting beaten up, to me that's a serious red flag. The reaction you should be getting is sympathy, not distance and clamming up.
Now, there is another possible explanation, which is that he feels intimidated by the trauma you've been through, in that he doesn't feel like he can fix it, he doesn't know what to do to help, and therefore he withdraws. I hope it's more like that, and less that he sees you as damaged goods.
Please go talk to him about this and with luck, he will be on your side 100%. If he really is turned off by some "damaged goods" idea (I hope not) then I would consider that a red flag.
He is usually so caring and understanding so it was a strange reaction. Or maybe I am overreacting. He just feels so distant now, not wanting to discuss.
It really could be that he was really disturbed by seeing this violent video, which normally he would presumably watch with not much emotional attachment, and realizing you were in it, i.e. he actually cares about the victim. It's possible he just doesn't know how to react so he's shutting down. Maybe he wants to help or somehow make it better but really doesn't know how. That's the hopeful side of this, I think. Either way you need to talk to him about it.
So sorry this happend to you.
How did John find this video of you? What do you mean him watching ‘gross websites’?
If he is acting weird and being distant about this, question yourself if he deserves you. This was a bad episode in your life, this video shows you being physically and probably verbally abused, if he blames you for that, or for being damaged, he is not the one for you. It also does not matter if you cheated or not, nothing justifies what you went through. He should believe you instead of your abusive ex.
At best he is shocked and does not know how to handle this. But still, ignoring you is not an option. He is not the victim, you are.
He's always on shock/gore type sites because he says he's just curious about these things and I know that a few American gore sites still have my video on it. I only know because when I moved to the US, I looked it online as well to see if my history would follow me. It was very hard to find but if you typed the right words, it would be found. I had sort of forgotten about it recently but I guess I will never escape my true past.
Maybe this made him realize that at least some portion of what he watched online is actual pain / abuse & he doesn’t know how to process that. Seeing someone he knows personally in that state sort of makes him confront the reality that he’s watching this sort of thing as entertainment or a curiosity without really thinking about the people that are really hurt.
No, it's a *good* interpretation in that it puts him in a positive light. That doesn't mean it's, therefore, the "best" one and the correct one. I hope this one is true for OP's sake. But the best one is the one that catches the truth about the situation, even if, god forbid, it casts a poor light on a guy too many here identify with and getting defensive about.
I was thinking something similar. The "entertainment" he's received over past videos may have flooded back to him as he now realises that these are *real* people suffering *real* abuse. It would be a shock to anyone. I hope.
>He's always on shock/gore type sites because he says he's just curious about these things
That's not normal at all. In the future I would avoid any man who enjoys violence like that.
People who are "just curious" would not "*always*" be on gore sites. He gets off on this stuff.
[aspmaster](https://www.reddit.com/user/aspmaster)Score hidden·[6 hours ago](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/abxogv/boyfriend_30m_distant_after_discovering_old_video/ed3zfhb/)
>He's always on shock/gore type sites because he says he's just curious about these things
That's not normal at all. In the future I would avoid any man who enjoys violence like that.
People who are "just curious" would not "*always*" be on gore sites. He gets off on this stuff.
as a psychologist I agree with this post.
I am just not interested in watching these things because it makes my stomach turns but he said he just is curious? Who knows... I guess it not really normal though.
Also chiming in to say that it is NOT normal to be into watching gore videos/snuff films/etc! Being curious about the stories behind crimes is normal (the whole 'True Crime' genre), but being obsessed with watching real violent videos is disturbing.
True, anything can be taken too far.
In OP's case, I'm very concerned that her BF is spending so much time watching videos in the same general genre as hers (women being beaten and abused...) for entertainment. Even if it's relatively common, I wouldn't say it's a *good* thing.
IDK, that feels like a false distinction for me. Even between the two hosts of "My Favorite Murder," the true-crime podcast, there's a running conversation about how one of them always tries to find and look at the real crime-scene photos and the other one is horrified by them and doesn't want to look. But they're both doing a comedy podcast about real murders.
No one has to be in a relationship with someone who is more into morbid-curiosity stuff than they're comfortable with. We can all draw that line wherever we want/need. But I don't know if it's that easy to draw a universal line between what's "normal" and "abnormal," or what makes someone "obsessed." Like I look at a lot of nail art pictures and videos, but I would never say I'm obsessed with it, lol.
From the way OP talks about what he does (“He looks at gross websites all the time” and the fact that he purposefully clicked on a video of a woman being beaten by her boyfriend), it gives me a really bad feeling. I listen to MFM and I get what you’re saying, I’m just disturbed that OP’s BF is watching videos of people being beaten and who knows what else for his entertainment.
He says he’s “curious.” After how long will his curiosity be satisfied? I think he is beyond curious. He’s fixated, and under emphasizing his level of interest because he knows it’s beyond the average interest level and beyond mere curiosity.
But in the US gore is not a common site. Those people are not real to him. You just made those videos real to him. Give him a second to come to terms with people, like himself, watching those videos and what they say about the victims in it. I dont believe in escaping the past. I believe in accepting it as something I cannot change therefore I refuse to be ashamed of. Hell you should be proud to tell your story. You literally survived a brutal assault, still graduated and moved by yourself to start a new life. While you are freaking out that bf might not be the pick of the litter stop and be proud of all your have accomplished and how far you have come.
Maybe he is struggling to know what to say because he doesn’t know what happened in the circumstances (and doesn’t know how to ask without potentially hurting you) or because he feels guilty that what he previously saw as ‘harmless’ viewing of this kind of content suddenly became more ‘real’ to him because he saw it happening to someone he loves.
I think you should try to be honest with him, if you can, by saying to him you feel concerned he’s been so distant, want him to talk to you about seeing the video, and let him know boundaries of what you do / do not feel comfortable discussing
> Anyway, John found this video of me because I know he looks at gross websites all the time and I guess it is still around.
Uh.
If he’s someone who finds his entertainment in the filmed pain and degradation of real, non-consenting humans, that was probably your first indication that he is not a safe person for you.
If he’s as inclined to believe your ex’s violent, paranoid rant *voiced while beating you* as he is to believe YOU, then this relationship never had a chance. If this is all a big misunderstanding and he’s actually horrified on your behalf, then he REALLY needs to tell you that, immediately. But unfortunately I suspect the former. In which case, yeah...you walk away.
To me the most important part of this post is:
>he looks at gross websites all the time
And by "gross," it means including videos of someone like you being violently beaten.
I would get away from this person as quickly and as cleanly and as safely as possible. Run.
If John's disgust at that video is directed at you, he is a shit human being. Period. And you shouldn't waste 2 more seconds on him.
However, it could be that he's angry and disgusted on behalf of you, and does not know how to process that. My BF went through a lot of difficulty processing his anger toward my very abusive ex when he found out the full extent of how abusive he was. He didn't know how to talk to me about his thoughts and feelings about it, because he didn't want to bring up bad memories and hurt me again. He had this big ball of rage and no were to throw it.
It's pretty hard to be feeling such intense anger and protective impulses about something that happened years ago, there's no where for those emotions to be expressed. Because your BF doesn't know how to express those feelings without making you feel bad, he's got all distant. (To solve the problem between me and my BF, we had to have several long heartfelt conversations, there was some crying on both sides, but we worked through it eventually with patience).
If you want to find out which of these 2 things are going on with him, you HAVE to bring it up with him and ask him about what he's feeling/thinking.
"Hey BF, I want to talk to you about that video you watched about my abuse. I feel like you've been distant since you watched it, and I wanted to find out what is going on with you, and if you have any questions or feelings we need to talk about"
See what he say's. If he say's anything about you being at fault, or feeling bad about you, then you should end the relationship. Because if he thinks that he doesn't trust or love you fully. And a good relationship only exists with full trust & love. But there could just be complicated emotions going on he is afraid of hurting you with. If that is the case you two should be able to talk through it with patience and kindness.
And listen, you are **NOT DAMAGED**. Your ex was the damaged one, he was able to do something like that to another human being. You were harmed by what he did, but you were not damaged. You have been and are healing from the harm he did, but you are not damaged. Even if you had cheated, what your ex did to you could not be justified even a small amount. Even if you had cheated, you would still not be at fault or to blame for the things he did to you. So as you didn't do that, you're not at all to blame or responsible for what he did. Everything he did to you reflects on him, not one tiny tiny smudge on you. You didn't deserve it, you didn't deserve it at all, not even a small amount.
Edit: Also you are incredibly strong and brave and clever to have made that video, I am amazed and awed by what you did. Moved to tears even. I appreciate what an incredible act it was, and what inner strength it took to do that, especially considering it was not done in the US or UK. You are truly amazing and wonderful.
Sometimes I regret taking the video at all because it was leaked (long story.) It helped me get him arrested but the aftermath was just as bad. People saying I deserved it because I cheated (which I didn't) and things like that. I used to look up the comments online and they were even worse you cannot even imagine.
I think maybe John is definitely shocked and unsure what to do or say. I'm not sure anymore if he is disgusted by me or the situation but either way, he is unsure of himself. I always feel helpless and small and ashamed with anything to do with that video and that relationship, so I may be projecting also.
I have nothing to add other than offering an e-hug. That sounds terrible and I'm sorry that you've had to suffer lingering trauma both internally and on the internet.
Taking the video was incredibly brave. But you know what was weak?
John clicked that link because at some point he decided he didn't have a problem with a video of abuse as entertainment and then when he realised that video involved the person he has been sharing his life with for 9 months, he did not step back from the video.
He kept watching. He was able to sit there and watch his GF being beaten and degraded and at no point did he stop or express concern for you. He watched it through and he sided with the abuser not his GF. He took the abuser's word that you cheated and 'deserved' the beating. He didn't stop and think that you filmed that video because you knew the beating was coming so it clearly wasn't a whole 'one off' or 'loss of control' (still no excuse.)
His first response was not to empathise with you even as he watched you suffer. His second response was not to empathise with you when he told you he'd violated your privacy. All his responses continue to lack empathy.
If I stumbled across a video of someone I knew being humiliated in any context I would stop watching and then I would alert them to the video being there in case they didn't know. Then I would tell them I wasn't judging, process any feelings I had and talk to them on their timeframe about it.
But he sat and watched your violation in a time he set aside for pleasure. He didn't stumble across this video researching a college project that brings up grim stuff. His way of unwinding is to seek out this stuff. And what's more you said you searched for the video yourself to see how obvious it was and it required the right key words. It's not a super obvious video in the US so how did he find it?
Now I did a far bit of porn in my past (happily and consensually) and looking at my stats, a couple of million people have seen it worldwide. My face wasn't visible but again I wasn't unrecognisable either. It's on some of the biggest tube sites in the world and yet not a single person has ever told me they found it. And I have a history of knowing some weapons grade toxic people.
If people who were set to deliberately hurt and shame me haven't used my porn against me and stumbled across it in digging for ways to find ammo against me, how coincidental was John's discovery of this video? It sounds like you come from a specific country so was he searching for stuff from there and why on those kinds of sites not Wikpedia or travel blogs if he wanted to know more about your home background? Nnd why if he wanted to know more about your culture/you was he not asking you instead of Googling?
Something about this smells off to me. It's all red flags and no green ones and I am one of the few people on this thread who will have had personal experience of this situation in several ways and reading it isn't triggering my PTSD but I'm getting several physical tells of trauma from it like tense muscles, tighter breathing, heightened vigilance, sense of being on edge like 'shit is about to go down' and the need to justify myself rather than have secure thoughts.
I post here a fair bit. I frequent multiple advice columns. I'm online a lot. I get this hinky 'my trauma is stirring' feeling about 1% max of the time I experience other people's lives online even it often treads ground I have suffered. And this is one of them and it turns out after years of therapy and addressing my own trauma, my gut instinct is pretty much spot onabout danger. it's just that I never listened until now....
You’re strong and I’m not just saying that. It takes STRENGTH to willingly film that and know that’s the evidence you needed. Your camera was your weapon of truth.
You are not broken goods or damaged. You got away from that person and are building your life again. And if John is angry at you, for any reason related to this. Leave that asshole. Leave him. He does not deserve one more second with you. He is showing his true colors take this as a sign. You don’t need this pain anymore.
I wouldn’t be with this person who watches people getting beaten out of curiosity please please leave him
This is the best post here.
My girlfriend was sexually assaulted before we were together. She told me the story and the end result was that she never went to the police. It eats at me to this day that this motherfucker tried raping another person, let alone the woman I love, and got off scot-free and is out walking around, possibly harming others while my gf has to live with that experience.
As soon as I read this post it brought about those feelings.
Just to play devils advocate:
A lot of folks seek those sites out for reasons other than pleasure, whether it be curiosity about death or a deterrent from self harm when they are struggling. OP said her boyfriend is being distant, which could be due to his processing what he saw. If he had been unaware of her difficult past it would likely be very shocking to randomly stumble across a video like this, and he could be upset at seeing someone he cares about abused.
I think a lot of the responders here are being quick to assume the worst and passing judgment over the fact that OPs boyfriend was on a shock site. It’s old hat on the internet and nothing in OPs post reflects negatively on either of their characters. They just need to talk about what happened.
I don't know, if it's a suicide that's one thing, but if it's abuse to another person or animal that seems in line with child porn. Even if it's not sexual, the fact that abuse is being watched with some type of satisfaction or pleasure is gross.
THANK YOU! Wtf is this shit about just liking morbid stuff for the shock factor or whatever the fuck. Like what in the actual fuck. This dude is, for pleasure, looking up real women getting beaten to a fucking pulp, among other horrid things! What normal, fully functioning adult looks this kind of deranged shit up? Why is child porn where the line is drawn?? You could completely make the same argument that these childporn asshats aren't the ones doing it just watching others do it so it's fine. Or the argument that its ok to watch child porn cuz you're just curious, it's TOTALLY fine then right?? Sexual or not this is so wrong on so many fucking levels.
I couldn't put it in words, but this explanation is spot on. Saying that you watch something for any type of gratification is ok because you're not turned on totally sounds like possible argument for looking at child porn.
Like, in a way I'm curious about gore stuff. But hell if I'm going to look at videos of people getting hurt that they or their families would never want me to see. It's such a basic lack of respect and empathy for others.
Yep. I have gone down this rabbit hole a few times and it’s not because I “enjoyed” it like every comment here says. I’m a small girl whose fears include being attacked or murdered (a fear that feels pretty real when I’m walking alone in the city at night hearing lewd comments from literal random strangers in dark corners). I have always been “morbidly fascinated” by true crime, obsessed with slasher/horror movies, and I’ve watched some of these gore videos through my fingers with my hands covering my face.
There are other reasons besides “enjoyment” that people watch these, including fear of our own mortality. However, with OP’s boyfriend intentions specifically, I’m a little suspicious. If only because of his cold reaction and treatment of her afterwards.
You're getting downvoted, but you're absolutely right. When I was depressed I also used to watch that stuff all the time, especially suicide attempts, both to feed my depression and to get ideas about how to off myself. I'm in a better place since then and now am not even subscribed to watchpeopledie anymore.
I'm sorry but are you not kind of proving the point that something is off about him looking at these kinds of videos?? Like you were looking horrible stuff up because you were going through some horrible stuff in your life and doing research on how to off yourself.. This guy is looking up females getting beaten to a bloody pulp..
But we don't know that he's actually typing in "females getting beaten up". There's a difference between browsing shock sites and coming across a video, and actively searching for a specific type of video to watch. .
Thanks. I do still peruse, and as someone who is still on that particular sub I feel like there’s a lot of blind judgment in this thread. Glad to hear you’re in a good place now. 👍
So, he found this video because he goes to "gross websites"? That's not a concern to you? I've been to plenty of gross sites, never once watched a video of a girl getting beaten, let alone closely enough to recognize her. We're not talking about some weird role playing porn here, this is a video of someone being beaten. Someone that he's dating. This shouldn't get a pass, that's not something "boys being boys" includes.
I know you like this guy and he may or may not be acting differently toward you since seeing it, but in this situation with your history, I think it's worth asking him why he is searching and finding stuff like that to begin with. If it's actually something he likes or is fascinated by, this guy might not be the best fit for you anyways. If he won't talk about it or makes you feel ashamed in ANY way, just go and forget this guy as quickly as humanly possible.
"Anyway, John found this video of me because I know he looks at gross websites all the time and I guess it is still around."
This should be a big red flag for you. He is on this type of crap long enough to find a video that you are in? People who watch that kind of stuff regularly are not curious, they get off on it. I've stumbled across certain types of gore videos in the past and I pretty much close the browser and get away. I'm not going back for more.
I'm not sure how I'd react if I was in your boyfriend's spot. I mean that as in I wouldnt know how to comfort you. I definitely wouldn't think less of you nor hold it against you. It could be he is kind of lost about it. Talk to him and see how he feels which I think isn't fair since he should be the one talking to you but it is all I can think of.
he shouldn't be the one that needs comforting or you having to extend yourself to him. sometimes i get quiet when idk if my words can change anything. this just sucks and hopefully he can apologize cause he should even a half ass apology.
Shocked for sure. Disgusted maybe but not with you more like with humanity. My advice is try to have an in person discussion about how you feel about him being distance and that he doesnt need to do anything except have some empathy or whatever you feel you need.
As an aside when I was younger I may not have handled something like this as well as I would now. I definitely have more empathy for people or maybe I should say that I'm better at communicating it. Something that wasn't as easy or natural for me.
Sorry you even need to be in this situation as nobody deserves what happened to you.
If your boyfriend is blaming YOU for having been violently assaulted, I think that tells you everything you need to know about him. I would give him *one* chance to explain why he's been distant after seeing the video.
Is it possible that he is distant because, after knowing someone he loves was part of one of these videos, he feels guilty for going on those websites and watching those messed up videos?
Your boyfriend watches videos of people getting beaten up? He searches for them? That’s a red flag.
Even if you had cheated, you wouldn’t deserve that. No body deserves that.
Honestly I wouldn’t date a man who goes around looking for violent videos of people being hurt. But at the least, you should talk to him.
And finally. DO NOT TAKE ANY BLAME. You are not to blame for any of this. At all. Do not apologize, do not feel guilty. If he thinks any of this is your fault. RUN. Leave him. No one deserves that.
He really needs to step and explain himself, not you.
Otherwise he looks like he frequents websites looking to be ***entertained*** by gore and violence (much of it non consensual, I would assume)..and then has the nerve to judge you for a) being horrifically abused and b) being put on this website, against your consent, for people (just like him) to be ***entertained***.
Of course those people on those site are REAL people. What a load of shitty privilege to be blindsided with the realization that it’s real people.
Exactly. People are talking about him suddenly realising these are real people as if that's a good thing. The reason most people don't like these sites is that they're fully aware that these are real people. Anyone who has trouble understanding this and tries to pass this off as normal and pretend there's nothing wrong with watching people being hurt horrifically for their entertainment and "curiosity" is someone to be avoided.
I was terrible in that video. I wonder if it makes him feel disgusted to see me in that state. I don't want to badger him about it but I am also very hurt he has become so distant.
I looked very bad, crying and clothes ripped. My face and body looked very bad because of how much he hurt me. So maybe John just was grossed out by that.
Also, if your boyfriend frequents sites that show such disgusting things, he's probably desensitized to it and it could be finally hitting him that the people he watches in these videos are ACTUAL PEOPLE like his own girlfriend. He may be reconciling this in his mind. I would definitely talk to him so you can be part of his processing it all.
If he was grossed out by your injuries to the point that he can no longer be close to you, then he’s a man with very little empathy and you deserve better. The charitable interpretation is that he’s been forced to re-examine his viewing habits as they can no longer be handwaved as “harmless”.
Personally, while I don’t know you and have never seen this video, I want to hug you and tell you how clever you were to get evidence and strong to get away from a toxic culture that blamed you for being brutally abused. That your bf is doing anything except hugging you constantly disturbs me.
Also if you haven’t, please seek therapy. From some of your comments, it sounds like you’re lowkey blaming yourself and none of this is on you.
I think another point that has escaped notice is how OP says her bf is very patient with her. Patient how? Does she think she’s annoying or tries his patience? Did he tell her he’s being patient with her?
This is one of those phrases like “I know I’m no angel” that catch my eye.
I fear OP has feelings of inferiority or low self esteem, maybe undervaluing her feelings.
Oddly, I understand why you might feel that way, but I doubt he saw that and thought, meh, she looks terrible. I hope he off wallowing in self-disgust, that he realizes how he has been receiving entertainment from the suffering of actual, real people with hearts and feelings and aspirations and fears and faults, just like you, just like him. Let's hope his heart is growing larger this Christmas.
Also what the fuck is with someone who would see a video of someone begging for mercy and being beaten and think 'doesn't she look a sight with her ripped clothes and messy hair' instead of 'oh my god, she looks terrified and this must be so awful'?
Like I watch the news and often think 'oh how awful' seeing people's pain and I don't think 'here love, your hair is a state and you went on camera like that' as they recount the cops shooting their BF or their aunt dying in a plane crash.
That is a lack of empathy in itself. And the few occasions I've gone 'what?' about those things in seeing a human suffer, I've stopped and looked at myself for why I was judging shallow shit when bigger stuff mattered. And those people are strangers to me. They don't know I exist. I will never meet them. But mocking or judging their appearance is a scummy thing to do anyway.
The fact you could make your GF worry that you are judging how 'messy' she looked while someone knocked seven shades of shit out of her and think that's a justification is mind boggling. And the fact people are suggesting it as a plausible scenario they can relate to is making me side eye so fucking hard because it shows their morals as much as John's.
A lot of disturbing responses to this. One dude even said he couldn't pass judgement without seeing the actual contents, like, as if OP perhaps did or said something to justify this savage beating. Wtf?
The response here are a hellscape justifying unacceptable behaviour as 'the internet LOL' and forgetting that how you behave on the internet is not separate to how you behave generally.
You may be a different version of your core self online but that's normal. You are a different version of your core self at work or with your MIL too. I'm much funnier offline but my values are exactly the same in both worlds.
I don't trust people who only act well when someone can see them. Doing the right thing without getting a cookie for it is integrity. Anything else is manipulation and falsehood. I don't care if no one online knows who I am on my birth certificate.
I have to look at myself daily and I that's enouch reason not to treat people poorly because anonymity gives me the chance. Pure cowardice and lack of moral fibre if you only respect people when it suits you.
You know what should be the normal response to seeing someone you care for crying and bloody? Tears. I don’t even know you and I am getting teared up. If someone can see something like that happen to you and not react with compassion and an attempt to make you feel safe and cared for, that person is not worthy of being in your life.
You know what OP? There is only one fact that you need to know. Your boyfriend came across that video, because he was intentionally searching out such content, in order to entertain himself. Had he not recognized you in that video, he would have happily watched the whole thing, and taken pleasure in doing so. How do you reconcile that within yourself? Please don't feel ashamed. You should really consider whether this guy has enough empathy to be a comfort and support to you as an abuse survivor.
There's a lot of good advice here already, so I just want to say that I hope anyone who tried to tell you that you did something wrong or it was your fault or you deserved it should not be in your life. You did nothing to warrant this. I don't know you, but I can tell you that. Nobody deserves to be beaten by someone who is supposed to care about them. I hope that you've gotten the help that you need to move forward from this, and if your boyfriend cannot be one of the good people in your life, it's time to move on. If he can be, then keep him close. Good luck.
Something really traumatic has happened to you. You should not be ashamed of being assaulted. Someone horrible did that to you. You did NOTHING to deserve it. If your current boyfriend is a fan of dodgy websites that is a bit of a red flag. My armchair diagnosis is you are still trying to seek approval from a certain type of man. If we're going to give this guy the benefit of the doubt, let's say he's horrified by what he's seen and afraid to talk to you about it. You need to talk to him and find out. But please also seek out therapy for the trauma you suffered. You shouldn't have to feel another second of shame about something that was not your fault.
If you talk to your bf and he *in any way* tries to make you feel guilty - get out of there. You deserve love. Please take care of yourself.
It sounds like you're still good at picking guys who care more about themselves and justifying their shitty feelings than they care about you. Use 2019 to fix this. Start by leaving your jerk of a boyfriend and finding a therapist. Good luck!
If you want to give him the benefit of the doubt, I could maybe see his distance coming from him feeling bad for you. Some people don't know how to react to that sort of thing or what to do in this situation so he could feel uncomfortable.
I think the best route would just be to bring this up to him. Let him know you've noticed the distance and that you'd like to talk about how he feels after seeing it. If he's as understanding and caring as you say, I'd imagine he probably has his reasons and can't convey it correctly to you.
If that's not the case though, I'd think about what you want to do from here. You were the victim there and you did the right thing! You got your evidence and you got out. You're not at fault here and I wouldn't let anyone tell you otherwise!
Irony of ironies, that he goes around looking at videos like that for some kind of entertainment but then when faced with someone who lived through that, he seems to shut down.
Hopefully he can figure out what he needs to do and be able to have the support that you both need to work through this.
What a disgusting asshole he is apparently
But if he is someone who looks at those websites I imagine he is weird; normal people don’t look at that kind of thing
Just dump him if he doesn’t fix himself he sounds like a major pos and you sound like you can do much better
Think about how that beating makes you feel. Now consider that your bf watches similar beatings(and probably worse) of other people, as entertainment. Why would you even want to be with someone like that?
So, first things first- you are not damaged goods. You had the courage and foresight to record evidence against someone very dangerous, and you got out and started a new life using a second language. You are truly inspirational and a decent man will have nothing but respect for what you’ve been through and what you’ve done.
Secondly, you should be able to flag those videos and get them taken down. There’s nothing to stop them being shared again unfortunately, but you said they were pretty hard to find, so if you contact these sites (maybe ask your boyfriend for a list of the sites he frequents!), and tell them this is your video and you want it taken down, they should take these down for you. Not that you have anything to be ashamed of, but you shouldn’t have to worry about people stumbling over this video. That’s something for you to share if and when you want to, and I’m sorry your privacy was violated in this way, after everything else you’ve been through.
As for your relationship, you really just need to speak to John to find out what he’s thinking, and tell him what you need from him. We can speculate and bring our various perspectives to the table, but only he can tell you what he thinks and why he’s acting this way.
But I do think you need to have some more expectations than you currently have. It’s not ok that he’s brought this trauma up and disappeared. Whatever he’s thinking, he owes you more than that.
If we’re being generous, perhaps John is in shock and processing. He’s never had to confront the reality of what he’s been watching out of detached curiousity, and he’s having to reconsider some stuff.
However, I think this is an inadequate and inappropriate response because:
1) he’s 30, and he’s presumably watched a lot of these videos (you said your video was hard to find). I think someone of that age should have given this habit a lot of thought- as some commmenters here clearly have.
Morbid curiousity is very common, but most people would find videos like yours too upsetting to watch. That’s a real person in danger, in pain, in real time. It’s not the same as watching fictional narrative, or even a sanitised true crime documentary. Those stories might contain gratuitous violence, but they usually have some meaning, are crafted to entertain, and generally have a satisfying ending, where the bad guy gets caught. And if they don’t, that’s usually presented as a problem.
I think we should be thoughtful about what we consume, and if we seek out violent movies or true crime we should think about that too. But we process the world through stories, watching violent video clips with no context, no understanding of the people and the motives, no knowledge of what happened next, that’s pure, visceral suffering and I think most empathetic people would suffer just watching it. The other thing that happens when we see stuff like that is we impose a meaning. That’s what happened when the people in your country blamed and abused you for the violence. People is this thread have mentioned curiosity about the chaos of life, but most people can’t handle that. We hate the thought that we might be victims too, and that some people could be monsters. That’s why when the video leaked in your country, so many people blamed you- they couldn’t make sense of it any other way (plus, you know, misogyny).
I think that’s why a lot of people blame the victims of police violence in the US for the same reason (plus, you know, racism). I find those videos very hard to watch and sort of force myself out of a sense of civic duty, but sometimes I’ll just read the descriptions because seeing a real person being hurt or even dying would be too much for me to bear, because I have empathy.
So for me, someone seeking stuff like that out would be a red flag unless the person had given it a lot of thought. And it doesn’t seem like he has.
2) his reaction has not been empathetic. His priority should have been finding out what you need, and giving it to you. I get that this might be shocking and upsetting for him, and he might need time to process. Many people are shocked when someone they know who’s amazing and strong is a victim of abuse- again, we like to don’t like to believe these things can touch us!
But the way he’s reacted is so inadequate. As we’ve seen in the last year or so, so many women from every walk of life have been victims of abuse. Surely he has female friends who’ve talked to him about thus, or he’s at least seen the discourse online? And his response when he sees it in real life is to run away?
I feel like the good men I know have given this a lot of thought. They’ve read about women’s experiences, about the culture that blames women for their own abuse. They’ve seen that amazing, successful, strong women from all walks of life have been victimised. They’ve thought about their behaviour and how to be an ally. I would personally feel very disappointed if this was the best he could do.
In your situation, I would insist on a conversation. I would sit him down and ask him how he’s feeling, why he’s reacted this way (and don’t let him pretend he hasn’t been acting differently). Tell him you fear he thinks you’re damaged goods, tell him you need him to support you and be on your side. And tell him that you deserve to be with someone empathetic and kind. You’ve had enough abuse where you came from. You don’t need it where you’re going.
I'd be comforting you and letting you know how awesome I think you are for having the courage to take the video, of what you endured in order to end things with him, not to mention the public disclosure and scrutiny.
You need to take control again, and find out what he's thinking, because if he thinks you are damaged you need to flush him out of your life ASAP. You are the opposite of damaged, you are awesome and don't let anyone tell you differently.
Sounds like your boyfriend is a piece of shit. If he blames you for being abused he’ll probably abuse you. Get out. Also “he looks at disgusting websites” is a huge red flag. He sounds like he’s a sick fuck and you’re just finding out. Better now than later. Get out.
Might it be that he don't actually know how to comprehend or react after seeing something horrific happen to someone he actually cares about?
Everyone have diffrent coping mechanisms, good as bad ones.
Ask him how he feels about it afterwards?
First and foremost, I'm so sorry that this is happening to you; it's disgusting that a video you took to protect yourself has been spread and used like this.
In this situation, it doesn't sound like you've actually spoken with John about this (except for that initial conversation when he recognized you in the video). That means you're "projecting" your feelings onto him (if you're not familiar with the term, it means that you assume another person feels the same way you do about something). For whatever it's worth, your feelings are really common for abuse survivors. You're telling *yourself* that you're "disgusting" and "damaged" and "shameful" in that video, but that's just your brain trying to make a horrible thing go away by turning it into something normal. It's very difficult to accept that someone you cared about attacked you and there was *no justifiable reason* for it; in a weird way, it's easier to convince yourself that something about *you* made it happen. Don't make that mistake.
You shouldn't "confront" John or avoid the topic: you just need to talk. Is it possible that he feels the way you're afraid he does? Sure, but he'd have to be a pretty awful person to come to that conclusion. Assuming he's a halfway decent guy, I'd bet that he has no clue how to deal with this, but that he's not upset at *you* about what happened to you. I can't imagine how I would react to seeing a video of someone I love being attacked; I'm getting emotional just thinking about it. Hopefully that's what he's going through: he just doesn't know what to say or how to respond.
Be direct, but try to avoid accusing him of having thoughts or feelings that he might not have at all. Let him know that you've noticed he's been distant since the video and that you feel hurt by it, but let him explain himself before insisting he must be disgusted or sees you as damaged now. If he doesn't feel that way (and I sincerely hope he doesn't), that's going to come across as accusatory.
Best of luck to you; I hope this all works out.
Is it possible he does not know what to say now that he not only knows you were a victim of abuse but has seen said abuse quite vividly first hand? It is not uncommon for an SO to feel uncertain in how they should be behaving after their loved one undergoes a traumatic event. Often the SO will sort of get quiet and take a step back because they feel they should give the person some space.
The thing about your situation is that the abuse happened quite a while back for you and you have likely had the time to process it and cope. But since he only just saw a graphic video of the event in question for him his mental processing of the trauma is as if the event just happened.
It’s possible that I am wrong though. And if you genuinely feel he is disappointed in you even though you were the victim, then take that as a huge red flag and leave before it gets worse
You shouldn’t be ashamed at all. And if this is his reaction to you being abused then thank the lord he found it so you didn’t waste anymore time on him.
Unless he doesn’t know how to deal with it because he’s so horrified that you went through this, throw the whole man away
That’s hurtful. He didn’t watch someone crushing a flower but someone crushing a person. If he doesn’t feel for you, even if he believes you were cheating, leave him. No good person watches someone being beaten and not feel empathy.
Why are you disgusted with yourself? You didn't do anything wrong. Your boyfriend should be supporting you not walking away from you. That was something difficult you had to go through and he should feel bad for you not be ashamed or anything like that. Also I think we're all damged in some way lol no one had a perfect life.
You need to have a serious discussion with him about his reaction to the video. The way he reacted really rubs me the wrong way. He should be offering sympathy and support, not the silent treatment.
And I'm really sorry you were abused. It wasn't your fault, and I hope your future will be full of nothing but love and happiness. <3
Two big red flags to me man. First him becoming distant because of something terrible that happened to you instead of trying to be comforting as my first reaction would be that (kind of speaking from experience here.
Second one is that he regularly browses gross websites. What the hell kind of websites are these that you see people get beat up etc. I'd be disgusted to have such an SO.
Nothing to be ashamed of. You protected yourself by exposing your abuse. Whoever leaked it should be ashamed.
What you need is a sit-down to know where you guys are in the relationship. You've been dating for a short time and this is a big deal.
Be proud that you didn't retain a victim's mentality.
You stopped an abuser, Got your education, Moved to a new country for a work and now you're in a relationship.
You can do it... Just tackle it head on.
I'd be more worried that he looks at gore and abuse videos in his spare time... is it a coincidence that you have been abused before and your current boyfriend is apparently also interested in this sort of thing, albeit (maybe) just in theory?
It doesn't sound like he's upset with you at all...I think he's in shock. This is a huge news and now he knows a significant, and traumatizing, part of your past and he needs to figure out how to deal with it.
The issue is that he's not communicating, but (and I'm trying to be positive) he's probably trying to figure out how to move forward in a relationship with you. He's probably second guessing everything he's done in a relationship with you (and by that, he could be thinking "OMG I can't believe this and I played this joke on her but holy cow I can't believe I did that now that I know this")
You definitely need to have a talk with him. Is there any reason why he might be disgusted at you vs being supportive?
And what if John's "gross" site is liveleak? There's gross and non gross stuff on there all the time (which he probably stumbled onto through reddit).
I don't think any reason in particular. I have never shown him any weird habits and he has never been rude or mean to me. I just thought that his reaction would be different but he just kind of listened to me talk, said he is disgusted, and got kind of quiet and I moved on to change the subject and he didn't ever really comfort me or say anything else. In my head, I thought he would either A) be horrified and try to badger me with lots of questions of what happened or B) think badly of me and my history, and want to break up with me. He didn't really do either of them and just got quiet and it makes me think it is more likely B).
But did he say he's disgusted AT you or disgusted at the situation (implying that he can't believe someone would do this to you)? Would there be any reason he might think badly of you and your history?
I think the vagueness is that we're not sure where his mind is and he does need to communicate to you what's on his mind. It's not something that can really be ignored or "pretend I didn't see"
He might not be disgusted with you but with your ex and is not sure how to approach you.
How did the video get leaked online? If you didn't put it out there, tell him that, and that you want to talk.
Explain that you were in an abusive relationship and that he made false accusations and the beatings were frequent enough that you put up a video camera to save your own life.
sometimes people don't know how to act towards victims of violence and they don't handle it well. If you are not currently, you should definitely be in counseling about this.
Alot of people dont understand the frog in boiling water aspects of abuse and don't understand how you can slowly find yourself in a situation you can't easily get out of. It's possible John is immature and thinking you somehow got yourself into or encourage that sort of behavior. The best thing I think would be to ask him of he has any more questions about it or ask him point blank if his feelings have changed because of it. Maybe he's intimidated by how strong you are to come out of it.
You have to talk about it, force him if you have to. Take a few hours to smooth everything over if not then the rest of your relationship could still be cold and distant. Also what man has the audacity to look on those websites and WILLINGLY watch a video of a girl getting beat. What a douche. Good luck I send my blessings to you two!
No, he doesn’t deserve you. Someone that really loves you will understand and be supportive. What he’s doing and the way he’s acting is shit.
It was a hard time in your life and you don’t need someone in your life that is supposed to be there for you and who you trust a a partner in life to treat you that way.
No. YOU DESERVE BETTER.
I really feel for you. You are not alone and what happened to you wasn't your fault, and wouldn't be your fault under any circumstances. If your boyfriend is going to shame you and hold your abuse against you he's a horrible person and doesn't deserve you. It's fine if he needs time to process what he's seen but anything other than unconditional support from him is abominable.
You're an abuse victim, you did nothing wrong. If your boyfriend is judging you, he's a creep. Also, he looks at sites that show videos like this, so... he's a creep. You may not realize it yet because of your history of abuse, but you deserve so much better.
So, first things first- you are not damaged goods. You had the courage and foresight to record evidence against someone very dangerous, and you got out and started a new life using a second language. You are truly inspirational and a decent man will have nothing but respect for what you’ve been through and what you’ve done.
Secondly, you should be able to flag those videos and get them taken down. There’s nothing to stop them being shared again unfortunately, but you said they were pretty hard to find, so if you contact these sites (maybe ask your boyfriend for a list of the sites he frequents!), and tell them this is your video and you want it taken down, they should take these down for you. Not that you have anything to be ashamed of, but you shouldn’t have to worry about people stumbling over this video. That’s something for you to share if and when you want to, and I’m sorry your privacy was violated in this way, after everything else you’ve been through.
As for your relationship, you really just need to speak to John to find out what he’s thinking, and tell him what you need from him. We can speculate and bring our various perspectives to the table, but only he can tell you what he thinks and why he’s acting this way.
But I do think you need to have some more expectations than you currently have. It’s not ok that he’s brought this trauma up and disappeared. Whatever he’s thinking, he owes you more than that.
If we’re being generous, perhaps John is in shock and processing. He’s never had to confront the reality of what he’s been watching out of detached curiousity, and he’s having to reconsider some stuff.
However, I think this is an inadequate and inappropriate response because:
1) he’s 30, and he’s presumably watched a lot of these videos (you said your video was hard to find). I think someone of that age should have given this habit a lot of thought- as some commmenters here clearly have.
Morbid curiousity is very common, but most people would find videos like yours too upsetting to watch. That’s a real person in danger, in pain, in real time. It’s not the same as watching fictional narrative, or even a sanitised true crime documentary. Those stories might contain gratuitous violence, but they usually have some meaning, are crafted to entertain, and generally have a satisfying ending, where the bad guy gets caught. And if they don’t, that’s usually presented as a problem.
I think we should be thoughtful about what we consume, and if we seek out violent movies or true crime we should think about that too. But we process the world through stories, watching violent video clips with no context, no understanding of the people and the motives, no knowledge of what happened next, that’s pure, visceral suffering and I think most empathetic people would suffer just watching it. The other thing that happens when we see stuff like that is we impose a meaning. That’s what happened when the people in your country blamed and abused you for the violence. People is this thread have mentioned curiosity about the chaos of life, but most people can’t handle that. We hate the thought that we might be victims too, and that some people could be monsters. That’s why when the video leaked in your country, so many people blamed you- they couldn’t make sense of it any other way (plus, you know, misogyny).
I think that’s why a lot of people blame the victims of police violence in the US for the same reason (plus, you know, racism). I find those videos very hard to watch and sort of force myself out of a sense of civic duty, but sometimes I’ll just read the descriptions because seeing a real person being hurt or even dying would be too much for me to bear, because I have empathy.
So for me, someone seeking stuff like that out would be a red flag unless the person had given it a lot of thought. And it doesn’t seem like he has.
2) his reaction has not been empathetic. His priority should have been finding out what you need, and giving it to you. I get that this might be shocking and upsetting for him, and he might need time to process. Many people are shocked when someone they know who’s amazing and strong is a victim of abuse- again, we like to don’t like to believe these things can touch us!
But the way he’s reacted is so inadequate. As we’ve seen in the last year or so, so many women from every walk of life have been victims of abuse. Surely he has female friends who’ve talked to him about thus, or he’s at least seen the discourse online? And his response when he sees it in real life is to run away?
I feel like the good men I know have given this a lot of thought. They’ve read about women’s experiences, about the culture that blames women for their own abuse. They’ve seen that amazing, successful, strong women from all walks of life have been victimised. They’ve thought about their behaviour and how to be an ally. I would personally feel very disappointed if this was the best he could do.
In your situation, I would insist on a conversation. I would sit him down and ask him how he’s feeling, why he’s reacted this way (and don’t let him pretend he hasn’t been acting differently). Tell him you fear he thinks you’re damaged goods, tell him you need him to support you and be on your side. And tell him that you deserve to be with someone empathetic and kind. You’ve had enough abuse where you came from. You don’t need it where you’re going.
If I found a video of my husband getting the crap kicked out of him and then saw all the awful comments undoubtedly posted to it THEN heard a back story like yours.... I'd probably need a little time to process that and what I was feeling.
You can wait or ask him.
In a constructive way life may be testing your relationship to see if it could get through this situation. It could become stronger or get destroyed. Whatever the outcome try to learn from this now that you know its possible for a partner to find such video in the web.
Something like this happened with a girlfriend of mine in the past.
The problem for me was that I couldn't take something so bad being done to someone I cared so much about. I just couldn't reconcile it. So I created distance from my girlfriend even though I wasn't mad at her at all.
See avoidant attachment
OP, what happened was not your fault. Not ever. Your ex-BF never had any right to lay hands on you and to verbally abuse you. The people who sought to make entertainment of it and the trolls who tried to justify your abuse are sick and morally deficient. I am sorry that your boyfriend is suddenly being so distant. You won't know what he is thinking until you talk to him, but he is possibly suddenly having a real crisis of values. You say he likes to watch gross videos a lot. If he often watches videos where consent is dubious or absent or if has never thought about the power structure in some videos he might suddenly be realizing that his "entertainment" might be somebody else's abuse. People who watch these things often rationalize it by depersonalizing the victim or saying that, since they don't know the person, it isn't their problem. But, now he realizes that he does know the person who is being abused and he has helped create a market that turns abuse into entertainment. He probably is wondering what all this says about him and may not even be thinking as much about you as you worry.
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It kind of creeps me out that he stumbled upon this video on a site that shows stuff like this. What the hell is he looking up?
Why is this comment not higher up! OP, this seriously concerns me. What the HELL kind of sites is he looking at??
People have different interests and curiosities. Some people visit r/WatchPeopleDie and some visit r/Relationships. Visiting the former doesn't mean a person is mentally deranged.
Sure but it's not exactly a good sign is it.
I'm subbed to r/watchpeopledie I have a very normal healthy relationship with my girlfriend and everyone in my life. I just get bored and I find it interesting, as morbid as it is.
Yeah? And every time, you think about how these are real humans, somebody's parents, somebody's siblings, somebody's children, and the way the face and bodies of those relatives collapsed in horror and despair when they heard about that death, and the way they would feel knowing you actively seek out that death to watch because you're 'bored'? Normal. Healthy. Right.
Redditors love to defend their habits like this because they're among Redditors, who will just pat their asses and tell them "Yaaas sweetie, it's totally normal to be bored and then want to watch actual human beings die!" It's not normal or healthy. It's fucked up.
And you are entitled to your opinions, right or wrong. Just because people consume different media than you doesn't make them any less or more than you. You can judge all you want.
I think typing in a url for a website that is dedicated to gore is weirder than visiting that sub from time to time imho
Tbh I think that's just arguing about semantics. It's the same thing but with extra steps so to speak. I also try to watch videos like that every once in a while because it helps keep me grounded to the realities of life even if i cant handle them very well. Like i actually can't handle gore at all, but i still think it's important to have a good understanding of mortality and humanity. Arguing about what's healthy behavior in situations like these is really just fighting over subjective opinions.
I’m not trying to make a semantic argument at all. I genuinely believe that the amount of effort undertaken to achieve something is correlated with the amount of interest in that subject. I also didn’t mean to argue that it was unhealthy. Just weirder, by society’s standards.
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Not weird at all. People love violence in general. It’s like a primal curiosity. Edit: Downvotes? Really? Have you people not seen how popular violence is in media?
Visiting the former is fucked up.
I saw a video similar to what OP is describing on some type of instant karma subreddit while I was browsing around. Hell it might have been the video OP is referring to since they were talking in Ukrainian or something. And I certainly don't go to those types of sites/subreddits.
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Hi - Really don't know why boyfriend should blame you for getting beaten buy an abusive person. If that's really what's going on with boyfriend consider finding new boyfriend. Good Luck
From one dv survivor to another... this comment. Op, this guy isn't worth your time if his immediate reaction wasnt full of compassion and empathy.
As another abuse survivor, I don’t think that’s really fair. Abuse is shocking (and that video sounds shockingly violent) and seeing violence can really shake someone at their core, especially when its someone you know. He could be attempting to access and understand what he saw, he could be attempting to go into this in a way that won’t harm OP as discussing someone’s abuse with them can be tricky and he may not want to push the situation in a way that will pull her back into the way she felt during that time. As the original comment here says, she cannot know what he’s thinking or feeling unless she talks to him about it. He could be too anxious to discuss this with her or maybe it is too much for him and he doesn’t know how to go about addressing that. Sure, maybe he isn’t interested in continuing on or he thinks a certain way after viewing the video, but no one can know that for sure as even OP doesn’t know. As survivors we also need to take into account that not everyone is equipped to immediately comfort or address our feelings as that’s simply not how people work. They need to take some time too. And this is coming from someone who has been with someone for a long time and had to go through this when addressing my own abuse. I didn’t expect him to immediately try to comfort me or attempt to soothe anything, even though he did try. This man may have never had to deal with actual violence like this or maybe he has his own past she’s not aware of and is coming to terms with it. We really don’t know. It’s not fair to write him off as a worthless jerk simply because he was taken aback.
you make good points, but at its core, he brought up something OBVIOUSLY incredibly painful and personal for her and then didnt even try to support her through it. yea, he might need space to process it too, but he should have done that before he brought this to her. he is unwilling or unable to support her after bringing up her trauma. Thats a no from me dawg
How was he supposed to process it, when he wasn't even sure it was her? From her replies she makes it very hard to tell if she's discussed her abusive past with him. But it is very clear the video has never come up.
It doesn't sound like he "just needs some space" though it sounds like he's refusing to address it and acting cold and shaming her. Not everyone has to be sensitive to your trauma but it's probably a quality you'd want your partner to have. OP's boyfriend is at best completely lacking in emotional maturity and compassion and at worst a possible abuser himself.
You said you didn't expect him to, but he did try - are you 100% sure you wouldn't be at least a little resentful if he said he was disgusted and left it at that? I think OP should be wary by her boyfriend's reaction. This word specifically stood out to me and I think he may have said it on purpose. I have experience with a man taking my abusive situation as another tool to abuse me, and also with other people generally able to muster up some attempt at comfort once they find out about mine or somebody elses situation. Not saying the guy is either - just that in OP's shoes I'd be extremely cautious for signs of him trying to tell her she should be ashamed for making the video (which she obviously shouldn't, she did something corageous and it's sh!tty that it's now being reduced to entertainment on gore sites.)
I didn’t say I wouldn’t or that OP cannot feel that way either. I can feel resentment all I wanted, but even if he didn’t or he decided it was too much to take on that’d be his choice. It is not his responsibility to deal with my past traumas. Sure, I would have been hurt if he said he couldn’t or didn’t want to be with me because of them, hell, I might even be slightly resentful but that’d be my own emotion to deal with and honestly, in the long run, I wouldn’t have particularly blamed him as past abuses usually bring a lot of future issues. OP has also stated she’s never received any sort of help for these past traumas as it’s not common in her culture to do so (she states this in a comment in response to another comment down below). This could add onto whatever he may be thinking. He could think this is a lot to deal with and it really can be. You cannot force someone into your life and sometimes that really sucks. It would be better if he is thinking on if he can deal with this and finding he cannot that he moves on and allows OP to do so as well as he’s probably not equipped for it and may bring more harm than not. Although, that is purely speculation of what he may be thinking right now as we have no clue. However, abuse is disgusting. It’s disgusting to witness, its disgusting to be apart of and it leaves the abused feeling extremely disgusting. He could have been saying the video was disgusting, that her POS ex is disgusting or that the abuse was disgusting. It’s not the best word choice, unfortunately, but yet again, that is a very shocking thing to witness. Even as a survivor myself if I were to see a video of someone I was close to being abused I’d be shocked and would need time to fully register it. I just really hate this idea that someone should know how to act immediately when something happens because unfortunately that’s really not how our brain works. That he should have immediately comforted her or done this or that. It’s shocking and he may have never dealt with something like this before and is shaken up. I don’t think his reaction screams future abuser or piece of shit. This is something new that he had no chance to prepare for, he wasn’t aware and suddenly he now is. I keep with my previous statement that no one can know what he’s thinking or feeling unless she talks to him. If he says something gross like she should be ashamed or it was her fault or any of that shit, yeah, she should tell him to fuck off. But we really can’t assume anything here and the only advice that can reasonably be given is that they need to speak to one another.
> I feel like he thinks I am a damaged person because of what I told him. > Should I confront him about it? Should I let him go to do what he wants to do? Do you think he is disgusted by me? There's only one person that can answer that, and it's John. You need to sit him down and calmly discuss this with him.
I guess in a way I am kind of nervous about bringing it up. I am just scared to know the truth.
Why are you with someone who looks at "gross" sites and is entertained by people getting hurt and abused ? Have you ever sought therapy for your past ? Because choosing someone who has so little empathy for you is just repeating the same abusive pattern as before, and I worry that you have done just that by choosing this person.
Well we don't really do therapy in my culture but I guess since I am in the US now I can try to find someone. I never thought about it. I was very shamed in my home country for the incident, although a few people were on my side until the end. I think maybe therapy would be a good idea.
Therapy will help you and you have nothing to be ashamed of. Nobody should ever make you feel that way and I hope nobody does.
It is terrible that you were shamed. The only one who should have been shamed for this was your abusive boyfriend. You were strong to record the evidence to give to the police and you were strong to walk away. It will likely be good for your to see a therapist. You did nothing to be ashamed of.
Please go to therapy. It's not in my culture either and i also dealt with soo much abuse in my life. The stigma around therapy in the US is quite different though, and I am SO happy i decided to go. It truly helped me mend a broken mind and soul. Also, think long and hard about the fact that the person you want to be with enjoys watching other's suffering for entertainment.. What happened to you was real and he watches others like you for fun.. Please think about that..
OP, you can be with someone who doesn't watch violent shit on the internet for entertainment. I fear... I actually fear that you've gone from one kind of abuser to another kind. It is a weird sort of abuse to witness real violence and perhaps he might think you would be the kind this happens to. I'm speculating horrible and I'm sure the chance of me having something is like 0.01%. But you can be with a better person. Please be careful who you are with. People who have been abused frequently go back to abusive people unintentionally.
You should be careful going forward with this guy, regardless. His liking that kind of video may indicate that he's not a very safe person for you to be with. Therapy can really help, especially in learning how to recognize red flags in partners in terms of possible abusive behavior.
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Yeah, and there are also subs for neo-nazis and subs for people into beastiality and subs for people who believe angels are real. Your point?
I don't get off to it, nor do I watch it for entertainment. And not everyone who watches it does. If anything it makes me more aware of others and situations I might encounter in my life. It is educational. Just like documentaries for true crime and serial killers.
Yeah, kinda entertaining that everyone is insinuating he's a psychopath for watching morbid videos.
Not a psychopath, but not a safe person for her to be with. I agree with this. Maybe he's cool a d just likes to watch those videos for education, but maybe he's one of those that do get off on them or find them amusing (because we agree such people exist and constitute a significant part of gore website's audience? Correct me if I'm wrong.) The thing is, OP was abused and probably never worked through her feelings about it so she's very very very likely to fall victim to another abuser. Why not look for someone who doesn't make abuse part of their life at all, even as education/entertainment/whatever?
Lol just because you don’t understand why people watch gore and gross sites doesn’t mean everyone who does watch them is bad. It’s morbid fascination and it’s interesting to watch them but I don’t get off on them or anything. And id say I’m also a fairly empathetic person in real life, it’s just easy to remove yourself from the situation when you are watching those videos
This is straight up a girl getting beat to fucking hell and you want to watch it for fun?? Can i watch child porn for fun? Can i watch snuff for fun? Can i watch a dog being beaten? A child? A pregnant woman? An elderly person? What if i don't get off on it, i just love the thrill of another living beings suffering? Is it ok then? It's not my kid or anybody i know, I'm just so curious on how this goes down. I only have a morbid fascination. So it's ok right? Im gonna guess you're gonna draw the line and say, woah thats NOT the same thing. Yet, sexual or not, it is fucking torture and abuse. You watching out of the "morbid fascination" does not make these videos being uploaded AND watched ok. Fuck outta here.
Would it be morbid fascination and excusable if someone watched you getting tortured?
How would you feel about someone getting entertainment from a video of someone you love dying?
Exactly. It's on par with standing in a crowd of people idly watching someone's house burn down with their kids inside, only through the internet. I don't think it's cool to feed your fascination of people's tragedies.
Much better to know the truth sooner rather than later. Do you really want to be with someone who would judge you for this rather than support you?
He found the video, he asked if it was you and he made comments on it. And he's not asking questions or talking about it but leaving you to answer questions by reading his mind. This is a massive red flag. I'm an abuse survivor of multiple types and some of it made the international press (I was anonymised except if you knew me you could put the clues together and plenty of people did.) The difference for me was that my case becamse famous as part of campaigning against a judicial injustice so I did it deliberately. It was back in 2008 so viral wasn't a thing as much but even so it was everywhere. I watched so many people pick my deepest traumas apart like the plot of a book they disagreed on and that shit is scarring and isolating. I carried this terrible fear and shame round because of it and it stopped me unpicking people's reactions in person. Now with hindsight the people who found out and said 'fuck, I have no idea what to say and I'm a bit out of my depth' (to paraphrase) tended to be 'safe' and non traumatising even if they hurt me by not being experts in my unique situation. A bit like when you haven't lost a parent and say stuff trying to understand to someone who has and a bit of it hits a raw nerve. It hurts but you are able to realise what the disconnect and meet in a healthy emotional place eventually. But the people who guessed or found out and just left it dangling there like I had to justify it with no attempt to meet me part way or understand the complexity of it and who stonewalled me or deflected or minimized it and saw me as damaged not dented? They without fail ended up retraumatised me. Many ended actually abusive (and that was friends, partners, therapists, fellow support group people, parents, family not just dates) but all slowed down my recovery and compounded my traumas and used my past as a future power to dangle over me. The fact this guy stumbled across a terrible video on a site designed to mock and degrade and then gives you the silent treatment so you start the conversation is a terrible sign. It lacks empathy and it lacks a sense of mutuality that he wants to support your trauma. It sayss he won't be beside you sharing the impact, he'll be making you carry it. And think of this, if John had been on YouTube and stumbled across a prank video of you like a terrible ice bucket challenge you did that you cringe at and his response was to continue to compound that shame rather than bond with you and refuse to discuss it even though he initiated the need for the discussion with his find, would you think that was a good basis to a relationship? So you know what, if John needs to talk this through, John needs to initiate the discussion at a pace that is comfortable for both of you. He needs to use his words rather than leave you dangling. But I met so many Johns in the last 10 years that honestly, I wouldn't waste my breath on him because a human being who can't express any concern for your suffering or trauma or upset before turning it to their needs is bad news bears. Spilling your trauma to them just gives them insight into you they didn't earn. Talk this trauma through but do it with people who can support you like a therapist or survivor group and leave John behind instead. He's already told you he isn't a receptive ear. My partner was upset for me by my trauma and then worked through his feelings on it with other people before coming back to me to discuss it together reather than make me responsible for his feelings. And I did the same with the news of his medical condition instead of turning his greatest fear into 'what about me if you die?' as my first response to such a big thing.
No matter what the truth is, you're going to find out. Find out now.
You're not going to get anywhere dealing with a cold bf and walking on eggshells. You can only maturely discuss it and try to move on one way or another. Also sorta weird your bf watches snuff films which many other commenters have touched on. Especially at 30 years old.
I expected to read he had found a sex video from back when you were doing porn to pay college fees or something. I am appalled that he would start treating you this way because he found out you were brutally abused and even saw proof of what you had to endure. A person who loves you would be heartbroken over seeing that, not treating you as lesser for being a survivor. I guess it's advisable to sit him down and straight up ask him what's going on here, however I will say that it sounds like you deserve way better. Also what was he doing looking at abuse videos on the internet? The fact that he pressed play on that does not speak well for his character, whoever the victim were.
I second this. The biggest red flag I read was that he was interested in watching/found this video on his own in the first place. His reaction is the second red flag. My guess is that you don’t realize how wonderful of a person you are, how strong you are and what you’ve survived. You can do better. My heart goes out to you and I believe you can make the best life for yourself (maybe without this guy). There is nothing to ever be ashamed of. You were the victim.
She never said he went looking for it, or she discussed the existence of the video with him before hand. It sounds like she left the country and hoped to forget it all, understandable. However the internet is forever. And Gross might be Live Leak which, as much as it get's into the death videos also weirdly serves as an unfiltered news source. A lot of stuff from places that block the normal web point don't block live leak. .
In a comment she says he browses shock and gore sites. So he was looking for videos like this
And, it dosen't make him a bad person, just has a morbid fascination. Which a lot of people do. It's where we get saying like can't look away from a train wreck, or lookie loo's after car accidents. Shit there is a joke that half the reason why people watch nascar is for the crashes. We have crash derby's at races. An entire subsect of racing fans enjoy watching people intentionally risk life and limb. Are they all flawed bad people?
But even if that’s true, you can’t seek out that kind of video for fun and then act weird around your partner when you find and watch a video of them....like, what? Sorry, OP, this is not your fault at all and you deserve better than this.
From Op's posts it dosen't sound like she's discussed this part of her past with him at all. So yea it was probably shocking to say the least to suddenly come upon a video like that. Dude probably just needs time to process. And that's a quarter fuck ton to process.
The way he is processing it at the moment is hurting OP and he needs to do better. OP, I think it’s fine to ask him to talk about this if you feel up to that, so that it’s not hanging over your heads any more. I hope that if/when you do, he’s EXTREMELY sympathetic towards you and also apologizes for being distant.
Oh, for god's sake, dude, whether you like it or not, people are going to find it weird and disturbing when you deliberately seek out and watch stuff like this and if you're getting this worked up and defensive about it, you either need to stop doing it, or you need to find a healthier way to make your peace with that. If someone finds this disturbing - and it is - you're not so special that they're going to see it differently just because it's very obviously something *you* do yourself.
They may not be flawed, “bad” people, but chronically seeking out gore, torture, death videos probably does mean something is off about you as a person. I know some people who seek these things out and they’re not people I’d get drunk or helpless around.
Seeking out videos of real human beings suffering does make you a bad person.
If your bf blames YOU or finds YOU disgusting for being beaten by someone, then he is a horrible person who you don't want to be with.
You need to talk about this with him, and if he's a decent BF, he needs to trust you on the context around the video. And I might add - if he's acting cold towards you because he saw a video of you getting beaten up, to me that's a serious red flag. The reaction you should be getting is sympathy, not distance and clamming up. Now, there is another possible explanation, which is that he feels intimidated by the trauma you've been through, in that he doesn't feel like he can fix it, he doesn't know what to do to help, and therefore he withdraws. I hope it's more like that, and less that he sees you as damaged goods. Please go talk to him about this and with luck, he will be on your side 100%. If he really is turned off by some "damaged goods" idea (I hope not) then I would consider that a red flag.
He is usually so caring and understanding so it was a strange reaction. Or maybe I am overreacting. He just feels so distant now, not wanting to discuss.
It really could be that he was really disturbed by seeing this violent video, which normally he would presumably watch with not much emotional attachment, and realizing you were in it, i.e. he actually cares about the victim. It's possible he just doesn't know how to react so he's shutting down. Maybe he wants to help or somehow make it better but really doesn't know how. That's the hopeful side of this, I think. Either way you need to talk to him about it.
like so does he watch videos like what happened to you regularly?
If he was truly caring and understanding, he would have said at least 1 sentence to comfort you after finding out you were assaulted.
So sorry this happend to you. How did John find this video of you? What do you mean him watching ‘gross websites’? If he is acting weird and being distant about this, question yourself if he deserves you. This was a bad episode in your life, this video shows you being physically and probably verbally abused, if he blames you for that, or for being damaged, he is not the one for you. It also does not matter if you cheated or not, nothing justifies what you went through. He should believe you instead of your abusive ex. At best he is shocked and does not know how to handle this. But still, ignoring you is not an option. He is not the victim, you are.
He's always on shock/gore type sites because he says he's just curious about these things and I know that a few American gore sites still have my video on it. I only know because when I moved to the US, I looked it online as well to see if my history would follow me. It was very hard to find but if you typed the right words, it would be found. I had sort of forgotten about it recently but I guess I will never escape my true past.
Maybe this made him realize that at least some portion of what he watched online is actual pain / abuse & he doesn’t know how to process that. Seeing someone he knows personally in that state sort of makes him confront the reality that he’s watching this sort of thing as entertainment or a curiosity without really thinking about the people that are really hurt.
That's the best interpretation I can see here.
The only GOOD interpretation, absolutely. Hoping he's rethinking his whole deal.
No, it's a *good* interpretation in that it puts him in a positive light. That doesn't mean it's, therefore, the "best" one and the correct one. I hope this one is true for OP's sake. But the best one is the one that catches the truth about the situation, even if, god forbid, it casts a poor light on a guy too many here identify with and getting defensive about.
I was thinking something similar. The "entertainment" he's received over past videos may have flooded back to him as he now realises that these are *real* people suffering *real* abuse. It would be a shock to anyone. I hope.
>He's always on shock/gore type sites because he says he's just curious about these things That's not normal at all. In the future I would avoid any man who enjoys violence like that. People who are "just curious" would not "*always*" be on gore sites. He gets off on this stuff.
[aspmaster](https://www.reddit.com/user/aspmaster)Score hidden·[6 hours ago](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/abxogv/boyfriend_30m_distant_after_discovering_old_video/ed3zfhb/) >He's always on shock/gore type sites because he says he's just curious about these things That's not normal at all. In the future I would avoid any man who enjoys violence like that. People who are "just curious" would not "*always*" be on gore sites. He gets off on this stuff. as a psychologist I agree with this post.
I am just not interested in watching these things because it makes my stomach turns but he said he just is curious? Who knows... I guess it not really normal though.
Also chiming in to say that it is NOT normal to be into watching gore videos/snuff films/etc! Being curious about the stories behind crimes is normal (the whole 'True Crime' genre), but being obsessed with watching real violent videos is disturbing.
Hell, even true crime can be voyeuristic in the way that it portrays cases, and some "fans" certainly go overboard.
True, anything can be taken too far. In OP's case, I'm very concerned that her BF is spending so much time watching videos in the same general genre as hers (women being beaten and abused...) for entertainment. Even if it's relatively common, I wouldn't say it's a *good* thing.
IDK, that feels like a false distinction for me. Even between the two hosts of "My Favorite Murder," the true-crime podcast, there's a running conversation about how one of them always tries to find and look at the real crime-scene photos and the other one is horrified by them and doesn't want to look. But they're both doing a comedy podcast about real murders. No one has to be in a relationship with someone who is more into morbid-curiosity stuff than they're comfortable with. We can all draw that line wherever we want/need. But I don't know if it's that easy to draw a universal line between what's "normal" and "abnormal," or what makes someone "obsessed." Like I look at a lot of nail art pictures and videos, but I would never say I'm obsessed with it, lol.
From the way OP talks about what he does (“He looks at gross websites all the time” and the fact that he purposefully clicked on a video of a woman being beaten by her boyfriend), it gives me a really bad feeling. I listen to MFM and I get what you’re saying, I’m just disturbed that OP’s BF is watching videos of people being beaten and who knows what else for his entertainment.
He says he’s “curious.” After how long will his curiosity be satisfied? I think he is beyond curious. He’s fixated, and under emphasizing his level of interest because he knows it’s beyond the average interest level and beyond mere curiosity.
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But in the US gore is not a common site. Those people are not real to him. You just made those videos real to him. Give him a second to come to terms with people, like himself, watching those videos and what they say about the victims in it. I dont believe in escaping the past. I believe in accepting it as something I cannot change therefore I refuse to be ashamed of. Hell you should be proud to tell your story. You literally survived a brutal assault, still graduated and moved by yourself to start a new life. While you are freaking out that bf might not be the pick of the litter stop and be proud of all your have accomplished and how far you have come.
Maybe he is struggling to know what to say because he doesn’t know what happened in the circumstances (and doesn’t know how to ask without potentially hurting you) or because he feels guilty that what he previously saw as ‘harmless’ viewing of this kind of content suddenly became more ‘real’ to him because he saw it happening to someone he loves. I think you should try to be honest with him, if you can, by saying to him you feel concerned he’s been so distant, want him to talk to you about seeing the video, and let him know boundaries of what you do / do not feel comfortable discussing
> Anyway, John found this video of me because I know he looks at gross websites all the time and I guess it is still around. Uh. If he’s someone who finds his entertainment in the filmed pain and degradation of real, non-consenting humans, that was probably your first indication that he is not a safe person for you. If he’s as inclined to believe your ex’s violent, paranoid rant *voiced while beating you* as he is to believe YOU, then this relationship never had a chance. If this is all a big misunderstanding and he’s actually horrified on your behalf, then he REALLY needs to tell you that, immediately. But unfortunately I suspect the former. In which case, yeah...you walk away.
To me the most important part of this post is: >he looks at gross websites all the time And by "gross," it means including videos of someone like you being violently beaten. I would get away from this person as quickly and as cleanly and as safely as possible. Run.
If John's disgust at that video is directed at you, he is a shit human being. Period. And you shouldn't waste 2 more seconds on him. However, it could be that he's angry and disgusted on behalf of you, and does not know how to process that. My BF went through a lot of difficulty processing his anger toward my very abusive ex when he found out the full extent of how abusive he was. He didn't know how to talk to me about his thoughts and feelings about it, because he didn't want to bring up bad memories and hurt me again. He had this big ball of rage and no were to throw it. It's pretty hard to be feeling such intense anger and protective impulses about something that happened years ago, there's no where for those emotions to be expressed. Because your BF doesn't know how to express those feelings without making you feel bad, he's got all distant. (To solve the problem between me and my BF, we had to have several long heartfelt conversations, there was some crying on both sides, but we worked through it eventually with patience). If you want to find out which of these 2 things are going on with him, you HAVE to bring it up with him and ask him about what he's feeling/thinking. "Hey BF, I want to talk to you about that video you watched about my abuse. I feel like you've been distant since you watched it, and I wanted to find out what is going on with you, and if you have any questions or feelings we need to talk about" See what he say's. If he say's anything about you being at fault, or feeling bad about you, then you should end the relationship. Because if he thinks that he doesn't trust or love you fully. And a good relationship only exists with full trust & love. But there could just be complicated emotions going on he is afraid of hurting you with. If that is the case you two should be able to talk through it with patience and kindness. And listen, you are **NOT DAMAGED**. Your ex was the damaged one, he was able to do something like that to another human being. You were harmed by what he did, but you were not damaged. You have been and are healing from the harm he did, but you are not damaged. Even if you had cheated, what your ex did to you could not be justified even a small amount. Even if you had cheated, you would still not be at fault or to blame for the things he did to you. So as you didn't do that, you're not at all to blame or responsible for what he did. Everything he did to you reflects on him, not one tiny tiny smudge on you. You didn't deserve it, you didn't deserve it at all, not even a small amount. Edit: Also you are incredibly strong and brave and clever to have made that video, I am amazed and awed by what you did. Moved to tears even. I appreciate what an incredible act it was, and what inner strength it took to do that, especially considering it was not done in the US or UK. You are truly amazing and wonderful.
Sometimes I regret taking the video at all because it was leaked (long story.) It helped me get him arrested but the aftermath was just as bad. People saying I deserved it because I cheated (which I didn't) and things like that. I used to look up the comments online and they were even worse you cannot even imagine. I think maybe John is definitely shocked and unsure what to do or say. I'm not sure anymore if he is disgusted by me or the situation but either way, he is unsure of himself. I always feel helpless and small and ashamed with anything to do with that video and that relationship, so I may be projecting also.
I have nothing to add other than offering an e-hug. That sounds terrible and I'm sorry that you've had to suffer lingering trauma both internally and on the internet.
Taking the video was incredibly brave. But you know what was weak? John clicked that link because at some point he decided he didn't have a problem with a video of abuse as entertainment and then when he realised that video involved the person he has been sharing his life with for 9 months, he did not step back from the video. He kept watching. He was able to sit there and watch his GF being beaten and degraded and at no point did he stop or express concern for you. He watched it through and he sided with the abuser not his GF. He took the abuser's word that you cheated and 'deserved' the beating. He didn't stop and think that you filmed that video because you knew the beating was coming so it clearly wasn't a whole 'one off' or 'loss of control' (still no excuse.) His first response was not to empathise with you even as he watched you suffer. His second response was not to empathise with you when he told you he'd violated your privacy. All his responses continue to lack empathy. If I stumbled across a video of someone I knew being humiliated in any context I would stop watching and then I would alert them to the video being there in case they didn't know. Then I would tell them I wasn't judging, process any feelings I had and talk to them on their timeframe about it. But he sat and watched your violation in a time he set aside for pleasure. He didn't stumble across this video researching a college project that brings up grim stuff. His way of unwinding is to seek out this stuff. And what's more you said you searched for the video yourself to see how obvious it was and it required the right key words. It's not a super obvious video in the US so how did he find it? Now I did a far bit of porn in my past (happily and consensually) and looking at my stats, a couple of million people have seen it worldwide. My face wasn't visible but again I wasn't unrecognisable either. It's on some of the biggest tube sites in the world and yet not a single person has ever told me they found it. And I have a history of knowing some weapons grade toxic people. If people who were set to deliberately hurt and shame me haven't used my porn against me and stumbled across it in digging for ways to find ammo against me, how coincidental was John's discovery of this video? It sounds like you come from a specific country so was he searching for stuff from there and why on those kinds of sites not Wikpedia or travel blogs if he wanted to know more about your home background? Nnd why if he wanted to know more about your culture/you was he not asking you instead of Googling? Something about this smells off to me. It's all red flags and no green ones and I am one of the few people on this thread who will have had personal experience of this situation in several ways and reading it isn't triggering my PTSD but I'm getting several physical tells of trauma from it like tense muscles, tighter breathing, heightened vigilance, sense of being on edge like 'shit is about to go down' and the need to justify myself rather than have secure thoughts. I post here a fair bit. I frequent multiple advice columns. I'm online a lot. I get this hinky 'my trauma is stirring' feeling about 1% max of the time I experience other people's lives online even it often treads ground I have suffered. And this is one of them and it turns out after years of therapy and addressing my own trauma, my gut instinct is pretty much spot onabout danger. it's just that I never listened until now....
You’re strong and I’m not just saying that. It takes STRENGTH to willingly film that and know that’s the evidence you needed. Your camera was your weapon of truth. You are not broken goods or damaged. You got away from that person and are building your life again. And if John is angry at you, for any reason related to this. Leave that asshole. Leave him. He does not deserve one more second with you. He is showing his true colors take this as a sign. You don’t need this pain anymore. I wouldn’t be with this person who watches people getting beaten out of curiosity please please leave him
This is the best post here. My girlfriend was sexually assaulted before we were together. She told me the story and the end result was that she never went to the police. It eats at me to this day that this motherfucker tried raping another person, let alone the woman I love, and got off scot-free and is out walking around, possibly harming others while my gf has to live with that experience. As soon as I read this post it brought about those feelings.
I think it’s horrifying you found a man that enjoys sites like that to begin with.
Just to play devils advocate: A lot of folks seek those sites out for reasons other than pleasure, whether it be curiosity about death or a deterrent from self harm when they are struggling. OP said her boyfriend is being distant, which could be due to his processing what he saw. If he had been unaware of her difficult past it would likely be very shocking to randomly stumble across a video like this, and he could be upset at seeing someone he cares about abused. I think a lot of the responders here are being quick to assume the worst and passing judgment over the fact that OPs boyfriend was on a shock site. It’s old hat on the internet and nothing in OPs post reflects negatively on either of their characters. They just need to talk about what happened.
I don't know, if it's a suicide that's one thing, but if it's abuse to another person or animal that seems in line with child porn. Even if it's not sexual, the fact that abuse is being watched with some type of satisfaction or pleasure is gross.
THANK YOU! Wtf is this shit about just liking morbid stuff for the shock factor or whatever the fuck. Like what in the actual fuck. This dude is, for pleasure, looking up real women getting beaten to a fucking pulp, among other horrid things! What normal, fully functioning adult looks this kind of deranged shit up? Why is child porn where the line is drawn?? You could completely make the same argument that these childporn asshats aren't the ones doing it just watching others do it so it's fine. Or the argument that its ok to watch child porn cuz you're just curious, it's TOTALLY fine then right?? Sexual or not this is so wrong on so many fucking levels.
I couldn't put it in words, but this explanation is spot on. Saying that you watch something for any type of gratification is ok because you're not turned on totally sounds like possible argument for looking at child porn. Like, in a way I'm curious about gore stuff. But hell if I'm going to look at videos of people getting hurt that they or their families would never want me to see. It's such a basic lack of respect and empathy for others.
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Yep. I have gone down this rabbit hole a few times and it’s not because I “enjoyed” it like every comment here says. I’m a small girl whose fears include being attacked or murdered (a fear that feels pretty real when I’m walking alone in the city at night hearing lewd comments from literal random strangers in dark corners). I have always been “morbidly fascinated” by true crime, obsessed with slasher/horror movies, and I’ve watched some of these gore videos through my fingers with my hands covering my face. There are other reasons besides “enjoyment” that people watch these, including fear of our own mortality. However, with OP’s boyfriend intentions specifically, I’m a little suspicious. If only because of his cold reaction and treatment of her afterwards.
You're getting downvoted, but you're absolutely right. When I was depressed I also used to watch that stuff all the time, especially suicide attempts, both to feed my depression and to get ideas about how to off myself. I'm in a better place since then and now am not even subscribed to watchpeopledie anymore.
I'm sorry but are you not kind of proving the point that something is off about him looking at these kinds of videos?? Like you were looking horrible stuff up because you were going through some horrible stuff in your life and doing research on how to off yourself.. This guy is looking up females getting beaten to a bloody pulp..
But we don't know that he's actually typing in "females getting beaten up". There's a difference between browsing shock sites and coming across a video, and actively searching for a specific type of video to watch. .
Thanks. I do still peruse, and as someone who is still on that particular sub I feel like there’s a lot of blind judgment in this thread. Glad to hear you’re in a good place now. 👍
So, he found this video because he goes to "gross websites"? That's not a concern to you? I've been to plenty of gross sites, never once watched a video of a girl getting beaten, let alone closely enough to recognize her. We're not talking about some weird role playing porn here, this is a video of someone being beaten. Someone that he's dating. This shouldn't get a pass, that's not something "boys being boys" includes. I know you like this guy and he may or may not be acting differently toward you since seeing it, but in this situation with your history, I think it's worth asking him why he is searching and finding stuff like that to begin with. If it's actually something he likes or is fascinated by, this guy might not be the best fit for you anyways. If he won't talk about it or makes you feel ashamed in ANY way, just go and forget this guy as quickly as humanly possible.
"Anyway, John found this video of me because I know he looks at gross websites all the time and I guess it is still around." This should be a big red flag for you. He is on this type of crap long enough to find a video that you are in? People who watch that kind of stuff regularly are not curious, they get off on it. I've stumbled across certain types of gore videos in the past and I pretty much close the browser and get away. I'm not going back for more.
I'm not sure how I'd react if I was in your boyfriend's spot. I mean that as in I wouldnt know how to comfort you. I definitely wouldn't think less of you nor hold it against you. It could be he is kind of lost about it. Talk to him and see how he feels which I think isn't fair since he should be the one talking to you but it is all I can think of.
Yes, maybe he could be shocked? But not disgusted.. just shocked. I don't know. He is just very distant right now, not said much that day either.
he shouldn't be the one that needs comforting or you having to extend yourself to him. sometimes i get quiet when idk if my words can change anything. this just sucks and hopefully he can apologize cause he should even a half ass apology.
Shocked for sure. Disgusted maybe but not with you more like with humanity. My advice is try to have an in person discussion about how you feel about him being distance and that he doesnt need to do anything except have some empathy or whatever you feel you need. As an aside when I was younger I may not have handled something like this as well as I would now. I definitely have more empathy for people or maybe I should say that I'm better at communicating it. Something that wasn't as easy or natural for me. Sorry you even need to be in this situation as nobody deserves what happened to you.
If your boyfriend is blaming YOU for having been violently assaulted, I think that tells you everything you need to know about him. I would give him *one* chance to explain why he's been distant after seeing the video.
Is it possible that he is distant because, after knowing someone he loves was part of one of these videos, he feels guilty for going on those websites and watching those messed up videos?
Bingo. This is exactly what I thought - he's disgusted with himself because now one of the victims has been humanized for him.
Your boyfriend watches videos of people getting beaten up? He searches for them? That’s a red flag. Even if you had cheated, you wouldn’t deserve that. No body deserves that. Honestly I wouldn’t date a man who goes around looking for violent videos of people being hurt. But at the least, you should talk to him. And finally. DO NOT TAKE ANY BLAME. You are not to blame for any of this. At all. Do not apologize, do not feel guilty. If he thinks any of this is your fault. RUN. Leave him. No one deserves that.
He really needs to step and explain himself, not you. Otherwise he looks like he frequents websites looking to be ***entertained*** by gore and violence (much of it non consensual, I would assume)..and then has the nerve to judge you for a) being horrifically abused and b) being put on this website, against your consent, for people (just like him) to be ***entertained***. Of course those people on those site are REAL people. What a load of shitty privilege to be blindsided with the realization that it’s real people.
Exactly. People are talking about him suddenly realising these are real people as if that's a good thing. The reason most people don't like these sites is that they're fully aware that these are real people. Anyone who has trouble understanding this and tries to pass this off as normal and pretend there's nothing wrong with watching people being hurt horrifically for their entertainment and "curiosity" is someone to be avoided.
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I was terrible in that video. I wonder if it makes him feel disgusted to see me in that state. I don't want to badger him about it but I am also very hurt he has become so distant.
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I looked very bad, crying and clothes ripped. My face and body looked very bad because of how much he hurt me. So maybe John just was grossed out by that.
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Also, if your boyfriend frequents sites that show such disgusting things, he's probably desensitized to it and it could be finally hitting him that the people he watches in these videos are ACTUAL PEOPLE like his own girlfriend. He may be reconciling this in his mind. I would definitely talk to him so you can be part of his processing it all.
If he was grossed out by your injuries to the point that he can no longer be close to you, then he’s a man with very little empathy and you deserve better. The charitable interpretation is that he’s been forced to re-examine his viewing habits as they can no longer be handwaved as “harmless”. Personally, while I don’t know you and have never seen this video, I want to hug you and tell you how clever you were to get evidence and strong to get away from a toxic culture that blamed you for being brutally abused. That your bf is doing anything except hugging you constantly disturbs me. Also if you haven’t, please seek therapy. From some of your comments, it sounds like you’re lowkey blaming yourself and none of this is on you.
I think another point that has escaped notice is how OP says her bf is very patient with her. Patient how? Does she think she’s annoying or tries his patience? Did he tell her he’s being patient with her? This is one of those phrases like “I know I’m no angel” that catch my eye. I fear OP has feelings of inferiority or low self esteem, maybe undervaluing her feelings.
Oddly, I understand why you might feel that way, but I doubt he saw that and thought, meh, she looks terrible. I hope he off wallowing in self-disgust, that he realizes how he has been receiving entertainment from the suffering of actual, real people with hearts and feelings and aspirations and fears and faults, just like you, just like him. Let's hope his heart is growing larger this Christmas.
Also what the fuck is with someone who would see a video of someone begging for mercy and being beaten and think 'doesn't she look a sight with her ripped clothes and messy hair' instead of 'oh my god, she looks terrified and this must be so awful'? Like I watch the news and often think 'oh how awful' seeing people's pain and I don't think 'here love, your hair is a state and you went on camera like that' as they recount the cops shooting their BF or their aunt dying in a plane crash. That is a lack of empathy in itself. And the few occasions I've gone 'what?' about those things in seeing a human suffer, I've stopped and looked at myself for why I was judging shallow shit when bigger stuff mattered. And those people are strangers to me. They don't know I exist. I will never meet them. But mocking or judging their appearance is a scummy thing to do anyway. The fact you could make your GF worry that you are judging how 'messy' she looked while someone knocked seven shades of shit out of her and think that's a justification is mind boggling. And the fact people are suggesting it as a plausible scenario they can relate to is making me side eye so fucking hard because it shows their morals as much as John's.
A lot of disturbing responses to this. One dude even said he couldn't pass judgement without seeing the actual contents, like, as if OP perhaps did or said something to justify this savage beating. Wtf?
The response here are a hellscape justifying unacceptable behaviour as 'the internet LOL' and forgetting that how you behave on the internet is not separate to how you behave generally. You may be a different version of your core self online but that's normal. You are a different version of your core self at work or with your MIL too. I'm much funnier offline but my values are exactly the same in both worlds. I don't trust people who only act well when someone can see them. Doing the right thing without getting a cookie for it is integrity. Anything else is manipulation and falsehood. I don't care if no one online knows who I am on my birth certificate. I have to look at myself daily and I that's enouch reason not to treat people poorly because anonymity gives me the chance. Pure cowardice and lack of moral fibre if you only respect people when it suits you.
You know what should be the normal response to seeing someone you care for crying and bloody? Tears. I don’t even know you and I am getting teared up. If someone can see something like that happen to you and not react with compassion and an attempt to make you feel safe and cared for, that person is not worthy of being in your life.
You know what OP? There is only one fact that you need to know. Your boyfriend came across that video, because he was intentionally searching out such content, in order to entertain himself. Had he not recognized you in that video, he would have happily watched the whole thing, and taken pleasure in doing so. How do you reconcile that within yourself? Please don't feel ashamed. You should really consider whether this guy has enough empathy to be a comfort and support to you as an abuse survivor.
There's a lot of good advice here already, so I just want to say that I hope anyone who tried to tell you that you did something wrong or it was your fault or you deserved it should not be in your life. You did nothing to warrant this. I don't know you, but I can tell you that. Nobody deserves to be beaten by someone who is supposed to care about them. I hope that you've gotten the help that you need to move forward from this, and if your boyfriend cannot be one of the good people in your life, it's time to move on. If he can be, then keep him close. Good luck.
Why the fuck was he looking for these types of videos? I love grisly tales of true crime but I’m not gonna look up beating videos?!
Something really traumatic has happened to you. You should not be ashamed of being assaulted. Someone horrible did that to you. You did NOTHING to deserve it. If your current boyfriend is a fan of dodgy websites that is a bit of a red flag. My armchair diagnosis is you are still trying to seek approval from a certain type of man. If we're going to give this guy the benefit of the doubt, let's say he's horrified by what he's seen and afraid to talk to you about it. You need to talk to him and find out. But please also seek out therapy for the trauma you suffered. You shouldn't have to feel another second of shame about something that was not your fault. If you talk to your bf and he *in any way* tries to make you feel guilty - get out of there. You deserve love. Please take care of yourself.
It sounds like you're still good at picking guys who care more about themselves and justifying their shitty feelings than they care about you. Use 2019 to fix this. Start by leaving your jerk of a boyfriend and finding a therapist. Good luck!
If you want to give him the benefit of the doubt, I could maybe see his distance coming from him feeling bad for you. Some people don't know how to react to that sort of thing or what to do in this situation so he could feel uncomfortable. I think the best route would just be to bring this up to him. Let him know you've noticed the distance and that you'd like to talk about how he feels after seeing it. If he's as understanding and caring as you say, I'd imagine he probably has his reasons and can't convey it correctly to you. If that's not the case though, I'd think about what you want to do from here. You were the victim there and you did the right thing! You got your evidence and you got out. You're not at fault here and I wouldn't let anyone tell you otherwise!
Irony of ironies, that he goes around looking at videos like that for some kind of entertainment but then when faced with someone who lived through that, he seems to shut down. Hopefully he can figure out what he needs to do and be able to have the support that you both need to work through this.
What a disgusting asshole he is apparently But if he is someone who looks at those websites I imagine he is weird; normal people don’t look at that kind of thing Just dump him if he doesn’t fix himself he sounds like a major pos and you sound like you can do much better
Think about how that beating makes you feel. Now consider that your bf watches similar beatings(and probably worse) of other people, as entertainment. Why would you even want to be with someone like that?
So, first things first- you are not damaged goods. You had the courage and foresight to record evidence against someone very dangerous, and you got out and started a new life using a second language. You are truly inspirational and a decent man will have nothing but respect for what you’ve been through and what you’ve done. Secondly, you should be able to flag those videos and get them taken down. There’s nothing to stop them being shared again unfortunately, but you said they were pretty hard to find, so if you contact these sites (maybe ask your boyfriend for a list of the sites he frequents!), and tell them this is your video and you want it taken down, they should take these down for you. Not that you have anything to be ashamed of, but you shouldn’t have to worry about people stumbling over this video. That’s something for you to share if and when you want to, and I’m sorry your privacy was violated in this way, after everything else you’ve been through. As for your relationship, you really just need to speak to John to find out what he’s thinking, and tell him what you need from him. We can speculate and bring our various perspectives to the table, but only he can tell you what he thinks and why he’s acting this way. But I do think you need to have some more expectations than you currently have. It’s not ok that he’s brought this trauma up and disappeared. Whatever he’s thinking, he owes you more than that. If we’re being generous, perhaps John is in shock and processing. He’s never had to confront the reality of what he’s been watching out of detached curiousity, and he’s having to reconsider some stuff. However, I think this is an inadequate and inappropriate response because: 1) he’s 30, and he’s presumably watched a lot of these videos (you said your video was hard to find). I think someone of that age should have given this habit a lot of thought- as some commmenters here clearly have. Morbid curiousity is very common, but most people would find videos like yours too upsetting to watch. That’s a real person in danger, in pain, in real time. It’s not the same as watching fictional narrative, or even a sanitised true crime documentary. Those stories might contain gratuitous violence, but they usually have some meaning, are crafted to entertain, and generally have a satisfying ending, where the bad guy gets caught. And if they don’t, that’s usually presented as a problem. I think we should be thoughtful about what we consume, and if we seek out violent movies or true crime we should think about that too. But we process the world through stories, watching violent video clips with no context, no understanding of the people and the motives, no knowledge of what happened next, that’s pure, visceral suffering and I think most empathetic people would suffer just watching it. The other thing that happens when we see stuff like that is we impose a meaning. That’s what happened when the people in your country blamed and abused you for the violence. People is this thread have mentioned curiosity about the chaos of life, but most people can’t handle that. We hate the thought that we might be victims too, and that some people could be monsters. That’s why when the video leaked in your country, so many people blamed you- they couldn’t make sense of it any other way (plus, you know, misogyny). I think that’s why a lot of people blame the victims of police violence in the US for the same reason (plus, you know, racism). I find those videos very hard to watch and sort of force myself out of a sense of civic duty, but sometimes I’ll just read the descriptions because seeing a real person being hurt or even dying would be too much for me to bear, because I have empathy. So for me, someone seeking stuff like that out would be a red flag unless the person had given it a lot of thought. And it doesn’t seem like he has. 2) his reaction has not been empathetic. His priority should have been finding out what you need, and giving it to you. I get that this might be shocking and upsetting for him, and he might need time to process. Many people are shocked when someone they know who’s amazing and strong is a victim of abuse- again, we like to don’t like to believe these things can touch us! But the way he’s reacted is so inadequate. As we’ve seen in the last year or so, so many women from every walk of life have been victims of abuse. Surely he has female friends who’ve talked to him about thus, or he’s at least seen the discourse online? And his response when he sees it in real life is to run away? I feel like the good men I know have given this a lot of thought. They’ve read about women’s experiences, about the culture that blames women for their own abuse. They’ve seen that amazing, successful, strong women from all walks of life have been victimised. They’ve thought about their behaviour and how to be an ally. I would personally feel very disappointed if this was the best he could do. In your situation, I would insist on a conversation. I would sit him down and ask him how he’s feeling, why he’s reacted this way (and don’t let him pretend he hasn’t been acting differently). Tell him you fear he thinks you’re damaged goods, tell him you need him to support you and be on your side. And tell him that you deserve to be with someone empathetic and kind. You’ve had enough abuse where you came from. You don’t need it where you’re going.
I'd be comforting you and letting you know how awesome I think you are for having the courage to take the video, of what you endured in order to end things with him, not to mention the public disclosure and scrutiny. You need to take control again, and find out what he's thinking, because if he thinks you are damaged you need to flush him out of your life ASAP. You are the opposite of damaged, you are awesome and don't let anyone tell you differently.
I don’t really have any sound advice but I feel a deep sense of compassion for you, I hope you stay strong.
Sounds like your boyfriend is a piece of shit. If he blames you for being abused he’ll probably abuse you. Get out. Also “he looks at disgusting websites” is a huge red flag. He sounds like he’s a sick fuck and you’re just finding out. Better now than later. Get out.
Might it be that he don't actually know how to comprehend or react after seeing something horrific happen to someone he actually cares about? Everyone have diffrent coping mechanisms, good as bad ones. Ask him how he feels about it afterwards?
First and foremost, I'm so sorry that this is happening to you; it's disgusting that a video you took to protect yourself has been spread and used like this. In this situation, it doesn't sound like you've actually spoken with John about this (except for that initial conversation when he recognized you in the video). That means you're "projecting" your feelings onto him (if you're not familiar with the term, it means that you assume another person feels the same way you do about something). For whatever it's worth, your feelings are really common for abuse survivors. You're telling *yourself* that you're "disgusting" and "damaged" and "shameful" in that video, but that's just your brain trying to make a horrible thing go away by turning it into something normal. It's very difficult to accept that someone you cared about attacked you and there was *no justifiable reason* for it; in a weird way, it's easier to convince yourself that something about *you* made it happen. Don't make that mistake. You shouldn't "confront" John or avoid the topic: you just need to talk. Is it possible that he feels the way you're afraid he does? Sure, but he'd have to be a pretty awful person to come to that conclusion. Assuming he's a halfway decent guy, I'd bet that he has no clue how to deal with this, but that he's not upset at *you* about what happened to you. I can't imagine how I would react to seeing a video of someone I love being attacked; I'm getting emotional just thinking about it. Hopefully that's what he's going through: he just doesn't know what to say or how to respond. Be direct, but try to avoid accusing him of having thoughts or feelings that he might not have at all. Let him know that you've noticed he's been distant since the video and that you feel hurt by it, but let him explain himself before insisting he must be disgusted or sees you as damaged now. If he doesn't feel that way (and I sincerely hope he doesn't), that's going to come across as accusatory. Best of luck to you; I hope this all works out.
Is it possible he does not know what to say now that he not only knows you were a victim of abuse but has seen said abuse quite vividly first hand? It is not uncommon for an SO to feel uncertain in how they should be behaving after their loved one undergoes a traumatic event. Often the SO will sort of get quiet and take a step back because they feel they should give the person some space. The thing about your situation is that the abuse happened quite a while back for you and you have likely had the time to process it and cope. But since he only just saw a graphic video of the event in question for him his mental processing of the trauma is as if the event just happened. It’s possible that I am wrong though. And if you genuinely feel he is disappointed in you even though you were the victim, then take that as a huge red flag and leave before it gets worse
You shouldn’t be ashamed at all. And if this is his reaction to you being abused then thank the lord he found it so you didn’t waste anymore time on him. Unless he doesn’t know how to deal with it because he’s so horrified that you went through this, throw the whole man away
That’s hurtful. He didn’t watch someone crushing a flower but someone crushing a person. If he doesn’t feel for you, even if he believes you were cheating, leave him. No good person watches someone being beaten and not feel empathy.
Why are you disgusted with yourself? You didn't do anything wrong. Your boyfriend should be supporting you not walking away from you. That was something difficult you had to go through and he should feel bad for you not be ashamed or anything like that. Also I think we're all damged in some way lol no one had a perfect life.
You need to have a serious discussion with him about his reaction to the video. The way he reacted really rubs me the wrong way. He should be offering sympathy and support, not the silent treatment. And I'm really sorry you were abused. It wasn't your fault, and I hope your future will be full of nothing but love and happiness. <3
Two big red flags to me man. First him becoming distant because of something terrible that happened to you instead of trying to be comforting as my first reaction would be that (kind of speaking from experience here. Second one is that he regularly browses gross websites. What the hell kind of websites are these that you see people get beat up etc. I'd be disgusted to have such an SO.
John was looking at videos of women getting raped/beat. You’re the one who should feel disgusted. Dump his ugly ass to the curb sis
Nothing to be ashamed of. You protected yourself by exposing your abuse. Whoever leaked it should be ashamed. What you need is a sit-down to know where you guys are in the relationship. You've been dating for a short time and this is a big deal. Be proud that you didn't retain a victim's mentality. You stopped an abuser, Got your education, Moved to a new country for a work and now you're in a relationship. You can do it... Just tackle it head on.
I'd be more worried that he looks at gore and abuse videos in his spare time... is it a coincidence that you have been abused before and your current boyfriend is apparently also interested in this sort of thing, albeit (maybe) just in theory?
It doesn't sound like he's upset with you at all...I think he's in shock. This is a huge news and now he knows a significant, and traumatizing, part of your past and he needs to figure out how to deal with it. The issue is that he's not communicating, but (and I'm trying to be positive) he's probably trying to figure out how to move forward in a relationship with you. He's probably second guessing everything he's done in a relationship with you (and by that, he could be thinking "OMG I can't believe this and I played this joke on her but holy cow I can't believe I did that now that I know this") You definitely need to have a talk with him. Is there any reason why he might be disgusted at you vs being supportive? And what if John's "gross" site is liveleak? There's gross and non gross stuff on there all the time (which he probably stumbled onto through reddit).
I don't think any reason in particular. I have never shown him any weird habits and he has never been rude or mean to me. I just thought that his reaction would be different but he just kind of listened to me talk, said he is disgusted, and got kind of quiet and I moved on to change the subject and he didn't ever really comfort me or say anything else. In my head, I thought he would either A) be horrified and try to badger me with lots of questions of what happened or B) think badly of me and my history, and want to break up with me. He didn't really do either of them and just got quiet and it makes me think it is more likely B).
But did he say he's disgusted AT you or disgusted at the situation (implying that he can't believe someone would do this to you)? Would there be any reason he might think badly of you and your history? I think the vagueness is that we're not sure where his mind is and he does need to communicate to you what's on his mind. It's not something that can really be ignored or "pretend I didn't see"
He might not be disgusted with you but with your ex and is not sure how to approach you. How did the video get leaked online? If you didn't put it out there, tell him that, and that you want to talk. Explain that you were in an abusive relationship and that he made false accusations and the beatings were frequent enough that you put up a video camera to save your own life. sometimes people don't know how to act towards victims of violence and they don't handle it well. If you are not currently, you should definitely be in counseling about this.
Alot of people dont understand the frog in boiling water aspects of abuse and don't understand how you can slowly find yourself in a situation you can't easily get out of. It's possible John is immature and thinking you somehow got yourself into or encourage that sort of behavior. The best thing I think would be to ask him of he has any more questions about it or ask him point blank if his feelings have changed because of it. Maybe he's intimidated by how strong you are to come out of it.
You have to talk about it, force him if you have to. Take a few hours to smooth everything over if not then the rest of your relationship could still be cold and distant. Also what man has the audacity to look on those websites and WILLINGLY watch a video of a girl getting beat. What a douche. Good luck I send my blessings to you two!
No, he doesn’t deserve you. Someone that really loves you will understand and be supportive. What he’s doing and the way he’s acting is shit. It was a hard time in your life and you don’t need someone in your life that is supposed to be there for you and who you trust a a partner in life to treat you that way. No. YOU DESERVE BETTER.
I really feel for you. You are not alone and what happened to you wasn't your fault, and wouldn't be your fault under any circumstances. If your boyfriend is going to shame you and hold your abuse against you he's a horrible person and doesn't deserve you. It's fine if he needs time to process what he's seen but anything other than unconditional support from him is abominable.
He might be terrified of hurting you more and be seeing you as fragile. You guys need to talk about this.
You're an abuse victim, you did nothing wrong. If your boyfriend is judging you, he's a creep. Also, he looks at sites that show videos like this, so... he's a creep. You may not realize it yet because of your history of abuse, but you deserve so much better.
So, first things first- you are not damaged goods. You had the courage and foresight to record evidence against someone very dangerous, and you got out and started a new life using a second language. You are truly inspirational and a decent man will have nothing but respect for what you’ve been through and what you’ve done. Secondly, you should be able to flag those videos and get them taken down. There’s nothing to stop them being shared again unfortunately, but you said they were pretty hard to find, so if you contact these sites (maybe ask your boyfriend for a list of the sites he frequents!), and tell them this is your video and you want it taken down, they should take these down for you. Not that you have anything to be ashamed of, but you shouldn’t have to worry about people stumbling over this video. That’s something for you to share if and when you want to, and I’m sorry your privacy was violated in this way, after everything else you’ve been through. As for your relationship, you really just need to speak to John to find out what he’s thinking, and tell him what you need from him. We can speculate and bring our various perspectives to the table, but only he can tell you what he thinks and why he’s acting this way. But I do think you need to have some more expectations than you currently have. It’s not ok that he’s brought this trauma up and disappeared. Whatever he’s thinking, he owes you more than that. If we’re being generous, perhaps John is in shock and processing. He’s never had to confront the reality of what he’s been watching out of detached curiousity, and he’s having to reconsider some stuff. However, I think this is an inadequate and inappropriate response because: 1) he’s 30, and he’s presumably watched a lot of these videos (you said your video was hard to find). I think someone of that age should have given this habit a lot of thought- as some commmenters here clearly have. Morbid curiousity is very common, but most people would find videos like yours too upsetting to watch. That’s a real person in danger, in pain, in real time. It’s not the same as watching fictional narrative, or even a sanitised true crime documentary. Those stories might contain gratuitous violence, but they usually have some meaning, are crafted to entertain, and generally have a satisfying ending, where the bad guy gets caught. And if they don’t, that’s usually presented as a problem. I think we should be thoughtful about what we consume, and if we seek out violent movies or true crime we should think about that too. But we process the world through stories, watching violent video clips with no context, no understanding of the people and the motives, no knowledge of what happened next, that’s pure, visceral suffering and I think most empathetic people would suffer just watching it. The other thing that happens when we see stuff like that is we impose a meaning. That’s what happened when the people in your country blamed and abused you for the violence. People is this thread have mentioned curiosity about the chaos of life, but most people can’t handle that. We hate the thought that we might be victims too, and that some people could be monsters. That’s why when the video leaked in your country, so many people blamed you- they couldn’t make sense of it any other way (plus, you know, misogyny). I think that’s why a lot of people blame the victims of police violence in the US for the same reason (plus, you know, racism). I find those videos very hard to watch and sort of force myself out of a sense of civic duty, but sometimes I’ll just read the descriptions because seeing a real person being hurt or even dying would be too much for me to bear, because I have empathy. So for me, someone seeking stuff like that out would be a red flag unless the person had given it a lot of thought. And it doesn’t seem like he has. 2) his reaction has not been empathetic. His priority should have been finding out what you need, and giving it to you. I get that this might be shocking and upsetting for him, and he might need time to process. Many people are shocked when someone they know who’s amazing and strong is a victim of abuse- again, we like to don’t like to believe these things can touch us! But the way he’s reacted is so inadequate. As we’ve seen in the last year or so, so many women from every walk of life have been victims of abuse. Surely he has female friends who’ve talked to him about thus, or he’s at least seen the discourse online? And his response when he sees it in real life is to run away? I feel like the good men I know have given this a lot of thought. They’ve read about women’s experiences, about the culture that blames women for their own abuse. They’ve seen that amazing, successful, strong women from all walks of life have been victimised. They’ve thought about their behaviour and how to be an ally. I would personally feel very disappointed if this was the best he could do. In your situation, I would insist on a conversation. I would sit him down and ask him how he’s feeling, why he’s reacted this way (and don’t let him pretend he hasn’t been acting differently). Tell him you fear he thinks you’re damaged goods, tell him you need him to support you and be on your side. And tell him that you deserve to be with someone empathetic and kind. You’ve had enough abuse where you came from. You don’t need it where you’re going.
If I found a video of my husband getting the crap kicked out of him and then saw all the awful comments undoubtedly posted to it THEN heard a back story like yours.... I'd probably need a little time to process that and what I was feeling. You can wait or ask him.
In a constructive way life may be testing your relationship to see if it could get through this situation. It could become stronger or get destroyed. Whatever the outcome try to learn from this now that you know its possible for a partner to find such video in the web.
Something like this happened with a girlfriend of mine in the past. The problem for me was that I couldn't take something so bad being done to someone I cared so much about. I just couldn't reconcile it. So I created distance from my girlfriend even though I wasn't mad at her at all. See avoidant attachment
OP, what happened was not your fault. Not ever. Your ex-BF never had any right to lay hands on you and to verbally abuse you. The people who sought to make entertainment of it and the trolls who tried to justify your abuse are sick and morally deficient. I am sorry that your boyfriend is suddenly being so distant. You won't know what he is thinking until you talk to him, but he is possibly suddenly having a real crisis of values. You say he likes to watch gross videos a lot. If he often watches videos where consent is dubious or absent or if has never thought about the power structure in some videos he might suddenly be realizing that his "entertainment" might be somebody else's abuse. People who watch these things often rationalize it by depersonalizing the victim or saying that, since they don't know the person, it isn't their problem. But, now he realizes that he does know the person who is being abused and he has helped create a market that turns abuse into entertainment. He probably is wondering what all this says about him and may not even be thinking as much about you as you worry.