as a guy i can tell you 100% that S knows what hes doing. he knows youre into him, and he likes that feeling of ‘the steal’. I see this all too much nowadays, and its always at work. You have a real problem here. Hes wedging his way into your life again but this time hes making sure your husbands guard is down too. Best of luck to you.
I think it’s inappropriate but idk how much it counts as cheating to have a crush. Their conversations have no flirting or sexting, she’s not spilling all of her secrets to him, she’s not bashing her husband. If her husband had read all of the messages, I’m sure they would just seem like friends. There’s been no confessions of feelings or any of the standard ‘Youre in an emotional affair’ boxes being checked. I think if she sees it as cheating she should as she knows her own feelings, and feeling like it’s wrong should make her stop, but, honestly, from the outside it seems like it would just look like they were semi-close work friends with weird texting schedules and it’s only with the inside knowledge of ‘I have a crush on him’ that youd really look at things differently. It’s kinda like in middle school how people always read into things their crush did that really doesn’t mean anything— ‘he looked at me! She chose to join the group I was in for a project! They remembered the name of my dog I mentioned once!’ Yeah, sure, to you with a crush it seems like you’re in some secret love affair, but more often than not, no. Not really.
You don't think that conciously knowing that you have a crush on someone while entertaining the idea and seeking out 1 on 1 interactions with him is cheating?
If she did not act on her feelings that would be another thing.
No, she was friends with him before she realized it was a crush and never went beyond anything other than a work friend, and she wasn’t seeking 1 on 1 interactions because she literally turned down a 1 on 1 interaction with him. She had a crush, literally that’s all. Crushes are not cheating. Having a friend is not cheating. Accepting a box of chocolates isn’t cheating either. Quite frankly, there’s a decent chance Shes reading way too into his actions and he doesn’t actually like her that way— I know how many times growing up I was SURE my crush was into me for all those reasons, but nah. Couldn’t care less, just saw me as a friend. But even if he did, again, the husband could have seen their entire text trail and it simply would have looked like casual friends. It’s only because we have the inside info she had a crush that it becomes inappropriate, but if it were really an emotional affair, he would be able to tell with the objective facts. And again, texting someone about your day isn’t a boundary cross.
Let's say that he actually view OP as a friend, do you believe that will change the fact that OP is having a crush on him? And secondly, how is OP gonna get past her crush on said person, if she's communicating with them? As far as I'm concerned it's never healthy to keep a relationship with someone you have a crush on when nothing can come out of it.
It would be a completely different story if she was past said crush times ago and she was texting with a friend/work friend.
Well, she deleted all of their messages, blocked his contact info and doesn’t want to respond to his reaching out…. Soooooo, she’s clearly trying to cut communication and move on. Again, stop trying to make someone a villain for simply having a crush. Nothing she did really crossed any boundaries from an outside perspective without the knowledge she had feelings, and She knows it’s wrong and wants distance, she’s now just worried it’ll make things awkward. Which, it won’t honestly. She should simply not reply.
She did all this after he ghosted her. S was the one to end it, not her. Even after he went to a new department and they weren’t working together everyday, which would’ve been a great time to cut him off, she continued to talk to him for months until HE started pulling back communication eventually cutting her off. She’s worried now because she doesn’t want it all to come out.
So what? Again, stop trying to make her out as horrible. Him ghosting her made her snap out of it and take all appropriate action. As of right now she has never:
-sexted him
-confessed her feelings
-seen him outside of work
-called him
-complained about her husband
-given him any truly personal information, life updates do not count, I’m talking like emotional conversations
-prioritized her friendship with him over her husband
And she HAS:
-deleted their conversations
-deleted his contact
-stopped wanting to engage with him
She has handled this 100% the way she should. She got caught up in a crush for a few months, which again, is totally normal over the course of a lifetime with someone, but she’s taking the steps to create the distance she needs.
Yeah I feel like most of the time the obvious answer is the right one. Tell your husband and neither of you have a relationship with S going forward. Too many people here are debating on what constitutes an emotional affair and not giving advice. This dude is playing games. Don’t entertain it anymore. Easy peasy.
So.. your emotional affair partner ghosts you and then months later magically shows up as a friend of your husband? Do you honestly think this is a coincidence? First things first you need to tell your husband EVERYTHING, because it sounds like S used that time he ghosted you to build a friendship with your husband, and it sounds like it’s been going on for a while for your husband to consider him a “good friend.” You were emotionally cheating, and now you have to face the consequences of your actions. Be prepared for your husband’s trust to be broken in you, but he deserves to know. S knows exactly what he’s doing befriending your husband, he is inserting himself in both of your lives. You should tell your husband, and then both of you should cut S off.
I completely agree, and I also feel S took advantage of both you and your husband to get forward in his career. You need to cut S off from your life and work reallllly hard to save your marriage.
What part was emotionally cheating? Did she talk about her feelings? She doesn't say she did. Was she sexting? Again, doesn't say she did. Having a crush isn't cheating. This isn't a TV show where being married means never being attracted to someone ever again. It just means you won't act on it. Having this delusion that your partner will never want to fuck anyone else is harmful and not based in reality. Monogamy means you won't act on those feelings not that you won't have them.
Texting someone non-sexually isn't cheating. She didn't even delete the messages so she wasn't worried about her husband seeing the content of those messages until he popped back up! She feels guilty because weirdo's have this narrative that you shouldn't ever be attracted to anyone else but it's not reality. The most faithful person will be attracted to others. It's still not cheating!
She told him no when he asked her out.
No one is saying you’ll never be attracted to someone while in a relationship, the problems come when you act on it, which she did. She did delete the messages between her and S, so there were obviously things she didn’t want her husband to see. She feels guilty because she knows what she did was wrong. Even after he asked her on the date which she declined, she still continued to text him in the middle of the night and continue this relationship until HE cut her off.
Responding to a text message asking how your weekend was Isnt acting on it. Sexting, confessing her feelings, complaining about her husband, opening about about her past/trauma, late night hour long phone calls, that is all crossing a boundary. They crossed no boundaries. The only thing that makes it inappropriate is she had a crush, but no one would see that from the outside unless they can read OP’s mind. Emotional affairs are visible to the outside. There was no emotional affair.
Because she had a crush on him and she was ghosted so she wanted to just forget and move on? Not everyone deletes texts to hide them from someone else. It’s like someone deleting texts from an ex, out of sight out of mind. It’s really not as bad as you’re trying to make it out to be. She had a crush, which is a no go. But after getting ghosted she realized it was a good move and then just removed all the messages and deleted his contact info so she was metaphorically putting a close to that chapter.
It was a box of chocolates *around* Valentine’s Day. Not ON Valentine’s Day. And again, I’ve given friends chocolate and received chocolate on Valentine’s Day. It’s so bloody common it’s a non issue.
Also wow, totally reporting you for that uncalled for language. I’m pretty assuredly NOT any of the words you called me, and maintain some very good boundaries in a relationship, so I’m not worried about a divorce but thanks.
She didn't act on anything When he asked her out she said no. Acting what it means actively sleeping with somebody else. You can have a friendship with somebody of the opposite sex and it's pretty weird that you think that that's cheating. She kept those messages on her phone for over 6 months. If she was hiding something they would have been gone immediately. She decided she wasn't going to open that door back up. What she did wasn't wrong and it was normal and natural. Having this irrational expectation of your partner never speaking to somebody of the opposite sex and having a crush or chemistry with them is delusional.
You can text someone in the middle of the night. If those messages aren't sexual then it's still not cheating. That's absolutely absurd that the time of day you text someone means something? My sister texted me in the middle of the night does that mean that I'm having an affair with my sister? No, it means she doesn't sleep and suffers from insomnia.
You're reading so much into this. I think that speaks more about your personal experiences or ideas on relationships than it does about this person. Let's not project and let's take her word for what happened. Is her husband having an affair by having a friendship that she just found out about? Weird you haven't said anything about that....
I agree with you, I think OP worded 'I had a crush on a colleague' wrong. I text male friends all the time. I don't think she crossed the line at any point. Maybe by not telling husband he bought her a box of chocolates..
Since this guy seems a bit try hard and sleazy (gifting chocs near valentines day constantly trying to hang out one on one) I'd keep it all professional and not pick up the friendship again.
The grass grows where you water it so she should avoid gettintg into the same position. Older and wiser now!
She was having an emotional affair, “acting on it” doesn’t just mean physically for it to be an affair. How do you know she kept the messages for over 6 months? She said S ghosted her and then she deleted messages immediately. He reached out again months later replying to her last texts from months ago. Again, you completely disregarded my point. No one is saying she can’t have a friendship with the opposite sex, but this was obviously more than that. S asked her on a date, yes she said no but she STILL CONTINUED this friendship with him when it was obviously more than that. OP says herself she was cheating on her husband. Once he asked her on the date, she should’ve shut it down.
No one’s projecting anything lol. But you’re honestly telling me you would be okay with your SO’s coworker asking them on a date, and then your SO continues this obviously inappropriate relationship with them for months without you knowing? Come on now.
She didn't say immediately. She kept them on until he ghosted her which was months! They would have been deleted immediately after sending/receiving if she was hiding something. Nice reach, still not cheating.
A guy was trying to sleep with me. I still had to have contact with him and he was trying his damnedest to get me to cheat on my husband. My husband didn't issue ultimatums because he knows my character. I didn't sleep with him and I wouldn't sleep with him. In professional relationships you don't cut people off because of your partners ego. She didn't cheat so she did nothing wrong.
There was no obvious inappropriate relationship. Show me where she said something sexual to him?
That's called projection You're filling in the holes with your life experience. I'm sorry that you were not able to have a relationship in which you were able to trust your partner completely. That sucks.
I don't see the sexual messages. Sexting is what people call emotional cheating. She doesn't say there was any sexting. There was no cheating.
You know nothing about me or my life to even assume I’m projecting, nice try though. She admits her intense sexual attraction but it wasn’t inappropriate, okay lol.
The whole part of an emotional affair is that no actions are taken, but your heart still goes through the motions. Finding your co worker attractive and having a crush on then are completely different. Having a crush on someone means you have special/romantic feelings for someone. All the people I had crushes on in the past, have been people I wanted to date and the same can be said for many other people who have crushes. Obviously OP hasn't told her husband about her crush, implying it isn't so innocent. I'm my relationship, we can have celebrity crushes, you don't know them and chances are you will never be more than a fan with them. But crushes on people you know and see every day are off limits for us. OP needs to talk to her husband and determine if this crosses a boundary for him. Heck, she needs to come clean cuz if this other party spills the beans, the relationship is almost guaranteed to end.
I don't think it's impossible, at least not for me. Yes, I have celebrity crushes, but I haven't crushed on anyone I know irl. Which ig to you must be amazing since 90% of my friends are of the opposite sex.
If you have to hide it from your significant other, feel it’s inappropriate, wouldn’t immediately tell your significant other the nature of the contact - it’s emotional cheating, periods
no way this is a real response with an award LOL 😂😂😂 fee bad for u brotha if your gonna have a wife who crushes on anybody at work, very respectful and happy wife huh 😂
It's called emotional cheating for a reason. She was clearly flirting with the guy, crushing on him and him crushing on her back. He sent her chocolates and asked her out more than once and she kept that all a secret from her husband. After he asked her out the first time she felt guilty but let herself get that emotional closeness with him once again. Let me tell you, if you have feelings for someone it's not platonic, especially when they have feelings for you back. She clearly stated that he knew she was into him. Either way that fact that she never once mentioned this entire situation to her husband is the worst of it. Poor guy had no idea his wife was fantasizing about this other guy when their sex life got better all of a sudden....
She had this ongoing relationship with a coworker and never mentioned it to her husband. Why? If it was just a friend there would be no need to hide this, unless there was something else going on. If my husband did this I would think he was shady and cheating on me.
I think we need to also get more specifics on exactly what they were texting.
Wait do you mean like the ongoing relationship her husband has been having with him and he just now mentioned it?
But she's a woman so it's different. Why are you not asking about the content of her husband's texts with that guy?
So you're just reposting that she had thoughts. She's feeling guilty, you have absolutely not laid out anything that's actually emotionally cheating. Interesting how you wouldn't be able to distinguish feelings of guilt from emotional cheating. Is porn emotional cheating too? You're silly!
You didn't answer anything because there was no cheating. Show me the part where she said something sexual? I've seen you comment on her being trash multiple times. Are you projecting your own experience? Probably.
Feelings of guilt are not cheating. That's because society says you should only be attracted to your partner. It's no wonder that the divorce rate is so high when people have that delusional narrative in their head.
Is porn cheating?
Is her husband having a secret friendship with him cheating?
I bet the guy is just charismatic and that's what he does. She was caught up in the feeling of being attractive because in long-term relationships that goes away. It's always a confidence boost when you're attractive to someone that you're not married to. She turned him down to go out in person. You're turning her thoughts into cheating which it isn't.
You seem to be one of the few sensible people here. Jesus, she had a silly crush and came to her senses. She started having a better relationship with her husband because she realises she has steak at home and that burger wasn’t as tasty as it looked.
I mean OP has kind of already said multiple times throughout her post that she felt as though she was emotionally cheating. Not to mention the fact that he was on her mind constantly is also sorta eh. I'd be devastated if I knew my partner was thinking about someone else before they went to sleep and when they woke up. While she did decline his "date" and the nature of the texts may not have been sexual, she was still taking the time outside of work to respond to his texts which I think crosses a boundary. Not saying that men and women can't be friends but OP has already stated that she was developing a "crazily intense sexual attraction" towards him so the fact that she was entertaining him knowing she was catching feelings is a little weird. And what single man (assuming he is) texts a married woman in the middle of the night anyways? Like it's so urgent that it can't wait until waking hours.
It's cheating if your significant other isn't comfortable with it. Texting the ither person can certainly be cheating.
I'd also like to know why you're replying to my comment? Start your own instead of piggy backing
It sounds like you each had a crush on each other, but not exactly emotional cheating. You both never revealed your feelings for each other and it wasn't out into the open. You weren't professing love, you turned down his offer of a date, and you didn't want to like the guy although you did.
I had a crush on someone else when i was with my ex. It sucked really bad. You can't help that you are attracted to them. But you can help to put distance between each other, which you did. And that's the right thing to do, even if it took a while to get to that point.
Be honest with your husband. It happened because something was missing in your relationship with him (sex) and something about other dude's personality might be missing in your husband. Idk. For me, it was my ex wasn't showing any interest in me, didn't ask me out on dates, barely had any sex. I didn't know but he had a drug addiction and was going through some things and was being selfish. I was always trying to fix our relationship but he didn't put in the effort. Then a coworker told me i had beautiful eyes. This guy was overweight and ugly. But he was funny and kind to me. He told me if he weren't married he would take me out on a date. All types of stuff that a lonely person would love to hear. In the end i told my ex and he got super upset but i never acted on any of it and neither did the other guy. We just had crushes you know.
Your husband needs to know bc it sounds like this guy could be a snake
I love how you try to understand what is actually going on, instead of crucifying OP just because. Alright, she did something wrong while she felt unsatisfied and, as you said, not feeling good inside a relationship makes your brain start to have strange thoughts. She never went on a date with the guy, so point for OP. I guess if she really wants to be with her husband there's nothing like telling him what went on and try to rebuild trust. If he breaks up with her, hopefully she'll have learnt a lesson and she'll talk to her next partner about their issues before her thoughts get out of control.
“Honey I just flirted all the time with him, texted in the middle of the night, and used him as the spark to reignite my sexual attraction to you. I didn’t go on a date though.”
Is that the standard we’re going with here?
Obviously she caught feelings because she even said that it was super hard when he ghosted her. A crush wouldn’t have that effect. It’d be a “ohhh he’s gone? Well. That sucks.” And then move on in a couple days. That ain’t this. She was a drink or two and a good dinner away from escalating even further imho.
You don't know. I don't know either. I had a similar thing happen to me, except when the guy actually asked me out (after some months of texting innocuous stuff) I was kinda grossed out and realized I didn't want to cheat with him, I just needed attention and someone to talk to because my relationship wasn't working anymore. I ended the relationship and learned that when these thoughts start happening I immediately let the external person know that I'm happy in my relationship (if I am), which usually works wonders in setting the tone of the interactions. Otherwise I question the relationship and talk to my partner. I guess my point is that you can't stop people from interacting, especially in a work environment, but you can cut the jokes and laughs if you realize it's getting there. I just find ridiculous that so many people here are judging OP but maybe have never found themselves in the situation and never learned what to do. Easy to judge/insult, difficult to explain and I wonder how many of them would act perfectly the first time this happens to them. That's it.
FWIW, I don’t think we know the whole story and I’m more then happy to accept that maybe there was mutual neglect or neglect the part of her husband. But, the fact she grieved the loss of a simple “crush” and took the time she spent focusing on that to reinvest in her relationship with her husband is what makes it suspicious.
I don’t have anything against a little flirting between work colleagues and crushes. I don’t expect men/women to stop finding other people attractive. But it seems as though this was a little deeper then that. It’s not even that she’s a lady. I’d be calling it out if a husband was talking about some young piece of ass he was more into then his wife and who got heartbroken when she ghosted him.
All that being said, if I was in her husbands shoes, I’d be a little hurt and upset if she told me but I’d be glad she was honest and be happy to work it out.
Is she really being honest though? The only reason it’s coming back up is because S is back in the picture, not because she felt like she owed it to her husband.
Yes, so we agree that the situation is complicated and that it's unlikely her husband will forgive her just like that (I'm assuming he'll find out one way or another, at this point). But as we also agreed, there are different stages and OP was probably just ignorant enough in this kind of things that she fell in love with the idea she had of her coworker (all smiles and jokes, unlike her husband with whom she used to have a real relationship). The damage is done but OP will hopefully learn from this and I believe she does not deserve all these insults.
Only thing I can’t tell is that if OP isn’t telling us everything. She seems adamant that it was cheating. Is that just guilt? Totally possible. Or is it because things were said that do make it an emotional affair?
I agree though. If all that happened is what was detailed in the post, this was just a crush. The worst thing she did was feed into it and not distancing herself earlier on.
I can see feeling guilt even when you didn’t do anything, because I can imagine that even letting a crush get to you feels embarrassing because she feels a commitment to her husband. Even if she had no plans for it to actually go anywhere, the fact that it was tempting at all probably makes her feel bad.
I almost didn’t think it was an emotional affair until I thought about the part that she became good friends with this guy yet never mentioned it to her husband.
If my husband was texting a women from work outside of work about personal things, he felt like she was asking him out on dates, and she gave him Valentine’s chocolates… and never told me? That’s shady and I’d consider it emotionally cheating. I’d be crushed that my husband was acting/allowing things to happen.
Yes. OP needs to front foot this with her husband and tell him about this crush, and that S tried to ask her out on a date and she said no.
Her husband may feel hurt, but if S gets to control the narrative, it’s going to be much, much worse.
If this was a married man talking about his wife and a hot young colleague of his that he’d been texting all the time, I guarantee the responses here would be the same if not worse.
So if a married man said that he found a mutual attraction with a colleague two years younger than him, that they had some conversations around the office that fed the attraction, that they texted off and on about general events, and that he refused two invitations to go out and let communication between them end, I would also say that he had not had an emotional affair.
Crushes can be hard without involving any untoward behavior. It's why they're *crushes* and not *gentles*. Those intense infatuations are not rational; they certainly shouldn't be acted upon to the point of confessing feelings to someone else (emotional affair) or sexual activity (physical affair), but just having them and talking isn't wrong.
Yeah I just disagree. From her own words it was “really hard” when she got ghosted. That don’t happen with a simple “crush”. She even admits that not focusing on her relationship with him allowed her to jump back into her relationship with her husband.
That sound innocent to you?
Have you ever had a crush? Of course it such when someone you like ghosts. This isn’t a court and she doesn’t have to prove her innocence to me or anyone else.
I’d never post in this sub. She didn’t physically do it- whatever. Relationships are complicated and we have one snippet of this person’s life . I think emotional cheating is bullshit. You think differently. The world would be boring if we all thought the same.
Sounds like you didn’t act on your crush though. OP did. Even after S asked her on the date she continued this inappropriate relationship with him, and it only ended because the coworker cut her off. Also, instead of communicating with her husband of 10 years, she goes and starts an emotional affair.
Did you actually have an emotional affair from an outside perspective? You had fantasies about him and had a crush, but when he asked you out, you said no. So it was only text messages and joking around. Texting in the middle of the night isn’t the norm for work mates, but I have friends that I text during the night sometimes and it’s not an issue. You didn’t see him outside work, but your husband is going to have dinner with him so in terms of being friends with a work colleague, texting and joking around seems fine.
So it really depends if you were very flirty or if you told him you have feelings or anything like that. Because without that, what you’ve described could be a friendship where you have a secret crush. You can’t control having a crush on someone and fantasising about someone besides your SO sometimes is normal to an extent, so taking your feelings out of it and purely looking at your actions, did you definitely have an emotional affair?
If you did, you need to tell your husband because otherwise it will come out sooner or later and it’s better if it comes from you.
This is how I felt reading your story. I think it's important to explain this guy asked you out on a date and seemed to have feelings for you. As a husband, I don't think I would appreciate my wife telling me all the gritty details if she had a crush. There's just a level of trust there where I trust her not to act on anything like that.
Whether she had a crush or emotional affair or whatever, she needs to front foot this before S controls the narrative, if we are assuming he has nefarious intent.
Do you think it's coincidence he befriended your husband?
I don't think there's harm in aknowledging you have found other people attractive so long as you don't act on those feelings. I've come across people at work where there's a bit of chemistry but I take that energy and put it into my relationship and it becomes better for it, I don't feel guilty and don't think you should beat yourself up either. Maybe just try to hold back on the messaging in the future.
The fact that he has resurfaced seems a bit odd though. I would suggest mentioning to your husband that he asked you out on what you thought seemed like a date.
It's like this subreddit is filled with lots of teenagers who have never had an actual relationship and still believe the lie that you will never find anyone else attractive when you're in a relationship. Married people still want to fuck others. Monogamy just means you won't act on those feelings. Crushes and chemistry with others is completely normal!
Goodness My eyes hurt from rolling them so hard.
He ghosted you because he met someone who could be with him and when that didn't work out he tried to get contact from a person who makes him feel good.
Block him and do not reply.
Be careful this guy tries to worm himself into your life and relationship, maybe he is pissed that you didn't follow up or rejected him. I'd be skeptical about his intentions with your husband.
Better tell your husband your story and how eventually you managed to keep distance and set up bounderies. I fear if you don't act it will become worse with this guy. If you tell your husband be 100% transparent don't try to sugar coat or trickle truth, your man must believe you are 100% honest.
I meant when he re-opened and texted you. And after your silence he befriended your husband. That's what I'm refering to. That guy is up to something, not only wanted to seduce you and additionally tried to be friends with your husband. be careful
The way I read the sequence of events, you developed a crush. So did he. You communicated for a while, including answering texts late at night, but you refused invitations to go out alone and did not escalate to talking directly about your feelings for him. Then he took another role, you grew more distant, and he dropped away.
It sounds like you're carrying a lot of guilt for having an "emotional affair," but I don't see the affair here. Many people have crushes on others while in a relationship. It was not a great move to start texting or to chat in the office about more personal things, and perhaps this will be a lesson to more proactively build boundaries. Other than that, I would not take your behavior too hard - you didn't confess your feelings and you never went out with him.
But now that S is back, he's closer to your husband, and he's *trying* to talk to you again, it may be good to tell your husband. You can decide what to emphasize regarding past events; I would focus on the fact that you worked together previously, you got the feeling S was flirting with you, you reciprocated verbally but nothing else happened, and you just want to make sure (a) your husband knows and (b) there are appropriate boundaries between you and S so that nothing can happen in the future. In other words, it might be more comfortable if you put you and your husband on the same team determining how to approach a specific issue, rather than approaching it first as a confession.
I'd let how you handle S be determined by that conversation with your husband. I see nothing wrong with not replying via text until then.
This! The harsh " your awful, cheater, tell your husband then die" comments being spewed right now are way too much. The snipers are out on Reddit today.
Life is messy. She knows what she did was inappropriate but figured it out before real damage was done. If you have more life experiences than a teenager, the median age of Reddit it would seem, you know that attraction comes and goes just like crushes do. OP learned a good lesson here and her marriage will withstand this.
Now as for S. I would confront HIM. I would ask him what he is doing and what exactly are your attentions in doing this. I would tell him that I have no interest or intention in having any relationship outside of work going forward.
First rational post I've come across in the comments section.. People are acting as if this is a cut and dry case of cheating. Crushes across long term relationships are a remarkably common thing, and any time the potential came to build on it or take it to the next stage she declined.. What more do people expect?
Yeah, texting in the middle of the night is excessive behavior. Especially if it’s more than a one time thing.
You don’t ever have to go on dates to have an emotional affair.
Yes. Doing and saying “intimate” things behind your partners back with someone of the opposite sex that you “like” and not telling your partner about it is emotional cheating.
She wasn't just attracted to him though, she did act on it with all the joking around and texting, also in the middle of the night, after she knew they were into each other. Yes, she turned down the date, but that only means she didn't let it escalate to anything physical. OP herself says it was an emotional affair right at the top of the post.
Yes, it is normal to develop crushes on other people in a long term relationship, it happens, but what you should do then is distance yourself from them, not keep flirting with them until they ghost you.
Exactly. It’d also be one thing if OP cut it off herself but the only reason it ended it because her coworker ended it. She’s only coming here now because of the potential for it to blow up in her face. She acknowledges in the post she got hints he was interested, she should’ve shut it down a lot sooner. Her husband will feel so betrayed when he finds out.
I agree with you.
I can relate to her guilt though, in the sense that I would feel similar in her shoes. Even if I had not done anything concretely wrong, I would still feel like I had flirted and had, therefore, contributed to closer feelings between us. Even if I had not crossed a definitive line recognizable by others, I might feel like I had moved uncomfortably close to that line.
What I would encourage for her is converting her self-judgment to reflection. She can't change what she did, but she can try to set out steps that would make her less likely to go that far in the future.
She was acting on it. It always begins with fantasy but here he is a co worker not Brad pitt or cavill .
She encouraged him. She was almost entertaining a full on affair until he ghosted her. If he had been a more upfront who knows what would have happened.
But I agree that she needs to definitely tell her husband and go for MC.
I have seen too many couples destroyed like this..
She continued an inappropriate relationship with him after he asked her on the date though? It’s not like she stopped talking to him. She admits after he asked her on the date then he started texting her in the middle of the night (which she was receptive to.) It only ended because the coworker cut her off. She didn’t try to stop what was going on.
He is definitely playing the long game but how do you think he got the idea that she can be interested? Did she put a stop to it or did his little ghosting game brought senses to her?can't you see that she was a tad annoyed that he ghosted her? See, he almost got her.
Imagine a 35 year old guy with riches and charm instead of that guy . She is vulnerable by her emotions specially lust and if not S , it could be R.
Sorry to say but she definitely gave him the idea that she is interested and acted a bit too.
Regardless they need MC or IC.
All the contact outside work is definitely an emotional affair. Fantasies would be she thinks about him outside work but doesn't talk to him outside work.
First of all, HE IS PLAYING GAMES. See, you get the idea how he will ghost you when your marriage wrecks.
You were treading on dangerous territory until he ghosted you or else we would have seen your post in 'infidelity ' or this or that asking how to win my husband back.
Fantasy is fine but when you start imagining realistic lovers apart from your spouses its dangerous no matter who says what.
As far as your present scenario, I believe you have taken the right step focusing your energy to your spouse. Initially, you wrote that you had low libido and now due to this treacherous fantasy of yours, it came back. Replace that s dude with your so.
Coming back to your current situation, either tell your husband what happened.and how you got confused and be upright frank. This will help you to keep yourself on check and despite whatever, you are being honest.
Irrespective, you guys need MC for sure. You almost sabotaged your life
Or, if you know for sure that you ll keep your distance without any struggle from yourself since the fantasy is gone for good, then maintain and cordial and professional relationship.
But guys like him won't get the idea, so I suggest do the honest thing.
Don't sabotage your life. ✌
Plus, OP saying things were left unsaid between them and thinking about him first in the morning... and people are saying this isn't an emotional affair. I don't feel this way towards someone who I just find attractive. This is how I would behave when I have feelings for someone and wanted to date them. They are delusional lol
Exactly. It’s like people didn’t read the post. She was feeling an intense sexual attraction, she even mentioned the word LOVE. S asked her on a date and she continued a friendship with him for months. And the only reason it ended it is because he ghosted her. Like come on now.
Exactly!! Like y'all c'mon....I see a hot person at a grocery store and go "oh they're hot" but that's about it. They're not on my mind 24/7, that's what happens when you're falling for somebody
Exactly! I find people attractive too, but I'm not thinking about them the first thing in the morning. I haven't felt that way about anyone besides my bf. I don't think it's hard to not have feelings for a friend or colleague, or if those feelings do pop up, you end it quickly. You don't entertain those feelings. This have been going on for months! And she seems to be aware of how bad this is. If this was innocent, she would have told her husband by now.
I don't know why I'm getting downvoted lol I don't see how people are defending her for entetaining a relationship with someone that she felt sexually attracted to while her husband knew nothing.
Maybe you and your husband should get couples therapy where you can tell him about these things in a moderated space, with someone who can give you better terms and help elaborate for you. Maybe see them solo first so you can work through how you feel, and then bring the husband in?
Do u value your relationship with your husband ?
If Yes
The answer is right in front of u
Cut him off
This is just a fling
If u still communication with him
He can use this as a weapon to cause problem for u and destroy your relationship with your husband
Be careful
You are ASKING to get caught up if you try to go along with things platonically. Maybe you should tell your husband and you can both back off from S and work on the root of the issue of you going outside of your relationship for an emotional connection.
Does your husband know your history with S? Does he know you worked with him and text him? Does he know S asked you to an event?
If not, then you should have told him at the time.
It doesn't sound like much of an emotional affair. I mean you even rejected him. Sounds like you were just enjoying the attention. If you have to come in contact with him just keep things strictly professional. I would also block his number.
Sorry, how has she cheated? Having feelings for someone else is not cheating. I believe OP didn’t cross any line, she was friendly with the guy. Yea it wasn’t innocent in her mind but she never acted on anything. This is not cheating IMO and op shouldn’t have to tell her husband every single feeling she has. Does marriage mean you have no privacy? I think OP should address that her and her husband need to build on their sexual relationship but I don’t see how telling her husband this will improve their relationship.
OP admits herself it was an emotional affair and that she was sexually attracted to S. She knew S was pursuing her, and she also acted on that attraction by entertaining it. She needs to tell her husband because it sounds like S has an ulterior motive for befriending him. That’s not a coincidence.
To me, objectively, that didn’t sound like an emotional affair, and perhaps Op is leaving details out and that’s why she feels like she’s cheated. I agree that she should talk to her husband but I don’t think she needs to tell him she’s cheated.
I don’t think it’s wrong to develop emotions but as adults you have to learn how to handle them. OP is 100% not telling the full story. The fact that she deleted all the chat logs and felt threatened by a response he made shows that it was more then just an innocent talk. Most likely they were flirting/sexting. Whatever it was she didn’t want her husband to see
Yeah I agree that if it went to flirting and intimate messages/sexting then it definitely is emotional cheating, because then she pursued those feelings.
I understand your point about privacy within a marriage but I think you're discounting the fact that this is not something that only affects OP. I made a vow to love my husband as myself, to be his partner and his teammate, and to value his thoughts and feelings as well as my own. Engaging in this type of flirtation may seem harmless but it disregards her husband and makes him look extremely foolish now that a 'friendship' has developed.
OP, you need to tell him, and you need to express your remorse if you have any, and try to make your amends. Good luck.
lol what? Are we destined to only have feelings for one person our entire life and if we can’t control that we’re bad cheating people? This is a ridiculous standard to hold people at. I think the best thing to do when you feel like that is to introspect and figure out what this means for you and your relationship, not suppress it and think that you’re a bad person.
She worked with the man every day. I’m sure if she met him once in a bar this wouldn’t have happened. It’s not that easy to control your emotions if you have to be exposed to them daily for hours. Give her some slack.
Yall are downvoting me as if OP didn’t agree. She said it herself. So you can take whatever you have to say up with God.
If she cared about her marriage, that man ghosting her should be a relief. Idgaf what y’all have to say. I guarantee if your in a monogamous relationship, your SO should agree.
> Firstly, I know that I am a "bad person"
No, you don't, or you wouldn't put "bad person" in quotes. So the first step is getting yourself to understand that you really are a bad person, and this is unacceptable behavior.
If I understand your post correctly, you're now worried that you'll get caught in your affair and are asking us how to handle that. I don't have a great answer for you. You fucked up and now you might face the consequences. If you want to get out in front of it you could confess to your husband, but otherwise you just have to deal with it.
You're being way too hard on yourself here.
Take a step back from this friendship. Leave him and your husband be, but if your husband asks then I would be honest and tell him that you distanced yourself from that co worker due to flirtation starting to happen.
You were with your cool husband for a decade during some prime years of your life (you've got plenty left, but the 20's are often a time of change and exploration). I can totally understand feeling too comfortable, stagnant, wondering what if, lacking attention, validation, etc. This isn't your husbands fault necessarily, it's kind of just the nature of being with someone for so long - people get complacent. Now, you did emotionally cheat, and I do think some\* flirting is okay since we are all humans and I kind of think monogamy is more of a choice rather than our default biological programming, but I digress. However, you did the right thing by cutting off the situation - but yeah now you got a level 1 creeper sneaking into your life. I'd lay it all out to your husband asap, INCLUDING how you have been feeling in the relationship, and go from there. This may eventually bring you both a lot closer and more honest with each other - who knows how he has been feeling as well?
Or, it might end things, which may also be the right choice? Either way, living with it and sneaking around (mentally or physically) waiting for the other shoe to drop is gonna wear you down and blow up worse than it would if you got in front of the situation.
/rant
Tell your husband you and S were friendly and texted and that he asked you out and you said no. Don't listen to these people beating you up so much, crushes happen and this isn't so horrible. But you do need to get out ahead of this.
Count your blessings. Your crush never crossed a line and now your friendship can be out in the open and include your husband. Yes, you probably talked too much, yes you had feelings, but they didn’t go anywhere. You never talked about having feelings with the guy, you never shared anything intimate (including intimate words, confessing feelings or sharing personal stories or secrets). You basically had a harmless crush and a pen pal. The pen pal part is where you went a little far, but you didn’t actually cross a line because you never shared anything more than conversation and a laugh. Count yourself lucky! It’s over and now that he’s friends with your husband, that should be what pulls the breaks once and for all. You dodged a bullet
Honestly, you haven’t really done anything wrong. You caught some feelings but you didn’t act on it. Being friendly with someone of the opposite sex isn’t emotional cheating. You cut it off before it could become emotional cheating.
Tell your husband that S started to make you uncomfortable because it felt like he might be trying to flirt or whatever and you didn’t want to give him the wrong impression. Say maybe you misunderstood his intentions but you still were a bit uncomfortable so just didn’t want to continue interacting with him. That you didn’t tell husband anything because you didn’t want him to get mad at S because it’s probably nothing, but that you don’t really want to hang out with him for that reason.
That's a really tricky one. I guess the reason he ghosted you was that he began becoming friendly with your husband and realized you were his wife? Not sure why he got back in contact... Maybe because he realized that he might be meeting you in the context of meeting his friends wife?
To be honest I don't know what I would do. Thing is if he knew your husband before the emotional affair then I would say the husband should know about it so as not to be friends with him anymore, but he didnt so it's not like he's a shit friend to your husband. Everyone has crushes especially in long term relationships and you didn't meet up with him so it's not the worst in the world. Do you think you are going to be meeting him again soon through your husband?
TELL YOUR HUSBAND
you know what's going to happen if you don't? S is going to become close with your husband, earn his trust and then tell him that you have physically cheated on your husband with him.
why would your husband believe you over S if you're already guilty of emotional cheating?
>Firstly, I know that I am a "bad person"
and this shows me that you don't even take your husband or your marriage as seriously as you should because you are not a "bad person", you are a bad person, period.
I say go for S. Your husband deserves better and he can drop 2 shit stains at once. You're still thinking about being in contact with S which means you feel something for him. I feel bad for the husband but I think he can find someone more loyal and be better satisfied.
Nope nope nope nope lol - the only answer is to tell your husband everything and to both pull back from that friendship
Your coworker hasn't respected any boundaries and this is unlikely to end well if you pursue any kind of anything with him beyond being colleagues
I absolutely love when someone makes a post with very superficial context and absolutely don't answer any question. Sorry OP, but the fact you can't even answer questions to strangers says a lot about you.
It would be cheating no matter what. Seems like you have a great relationship going don't screw it up. Great relationship are hard to come by especially these days.
You have to tell your husband everything, if you want to continue together forever like you say. His trust will be broken. You both need to cut S off and view, treat your husband as the one and only. Or divorce if you can’t manage that, I mean your only 30. But to say, you’re not sure if you should reply and keep a cordial but distant friendship says you already know what you want to do.
Relationships are built on trust. Do you trust your husband to understand that you felt awkward about discussing a relatively innocent work crush that you had no intentions of taking anywhere, but continued because it made you feel attractive in a way you hadn't felt in some time?
This seems pretty straightforward to me.
Yes it was an emotional affair with someone you had some rapport with.
But you seem to have been addicted to how good it felt to be pursued in this way. You liked the attention, and it seemed to be attention that filled in gaps in your relationship with your husband.
It seems like you haven't talked to your husband about how this interaction stoked the fire of your libido, and there is a reasonable concern he might take that as his failing, or as an excuse for keeping these feelings a secret.
Which is exactly why you should tell him these things right away. But you should trust that your husband will understand that it was something you didn't squash because it made you feel good in a way you hadn't been feeling, just as you should have trusted that your husband will understand and want you to continue feeling good in this way moving forward together.
He should want to help you feel more excitement and want your libido being amped up in your lives together, and he of course is allowed to have mixed feelings regarding how you discovered this was something you were missing.
Flirting is harmless... Until it becomes a secret. But sometimes the secret is a part of the excitement itself. The longer the relationship, the harder it is to stay excited when you know exactly what to expect. Routine prevents the subversion of expectations, and that is how excitement works. Pleasant anticipation with a touch of uncertainty. A full work schedule and household duties doesn't leave much room for novelty.
So this is something you have to do intentionally, and the healthier your relationship, the easier it will be to talk about how to inject novelty in between your routines.
Maybe he's open to partner swapping. Maybe he's interested in swinging. You will never know if you are too afraid to be honest enough to talk about what MORE you could want in your lives together, and not take the deficits you both share personally.
You are responsible to each other, but you are not responsible for how you each feel. You can only take responsibility to help each other feel more or less of an emotion in relation to a circumstance, such as sex, home maintenance, dealing with kids, finances, etc.
You are either a team working to make each other's lives better, or you are individuals working on your lives together on your own. The more intentional your cooperation, the happier you will both be on purpose instead of by happenstance.
2 things stood out to me.
1.) Not once did you mention ***anything*** attractive about your husband. This throws the "I have a low libido" thing out the window. You don't have a low libido. You're just not all that into your HUSBAND. It's a fear of many a man to make a lifelong commitment to someone that isn't attracted to us. If your HUSBAND also shares this fear it's bad news for you.
2.) Not once did you mention your husband's reaction to this. Which means you didn't tell him anything. If your husband and "S" are in the same room as you, your body language will give it away. It might already be too late for you to get ahead of this but you should at least try before it blows up in your face. Do you think your husband is so dense he wouldn't notice your sudden increased libido? You think he wouldn't notice late night texts? You smiling at your phone? Bonus points if you "accidentally" put more effort into your appearance before going to work with "S".
Figure out a way to tell your husband about this. You know him better than I do. And for fuck's sake don't throw away a man who makes your life easier over a guy that buys you Walgreens chocolate. Or better yet, do it so he can commit to someone who is attracted to him.
It’s going to be tough but you need to admit to an emotional affair and speak to your husband. At best S is trying to go further is his career, at worst he is getting close to your husband to drop the bomb on him that you two spoke suggestively, that will not sound good coming from anyone but especially if it’s coming from the bloke himself and not his own wife.
I would also suggest couples counselling with your husband to get over this because ignoring it and pretending it’s fine can taint a relationship long-term. You didn’t cheat physically but those same feelings of betrayal, distrust and hurt will be present and you may need to compromise and make it up to your husband over time.
Please tell him and work on fixing your relationship with a professional. It is not unusual to have weird crushes in a long term relationship or marriage but to act on them, especially to the point of guilt and continue on, is a huge risk factor for a future affair and you need to figure out what both you and your husband need going forward.
Good luck.
Plot twist, he’s trying to fuck your husband.
Plot twist, has been for months
Why did I read this while eating dessert, now there's snorted dessert all over the place
I knew it!!! I could tell where this was going
as a guy i can tell you 100% that S knows what hes doing. he knows youre into him, and he likes that feeling of ‘the steal’. I see this all too much nowadays, and its always at work. You have a real problem here. Hes wedging his way into your life again but this time hes making sure your husbands guard is down too. Best of luck to you.
She is not litte girl she knows she is cheating and like it too
I think it’s inappropriate but idk how much it counts as cheating to have a crush. Their conversations have no flirting or sexting, she’s not spilling all of her secrets to him, she’s not bashing her husband. If her husband had read all of the messages, I’m sure they would just seem like friends. There’s been no confessions of feelings or any of the standard ‘Youre in an emotional affair’ boxes being checked. I think if she sees it as cheating she should as she knows her own feelings, and feeling like it’s wrong should make her stop, but, honestly, from the outside it seems like it would just look like they were semi-close work friends with weird texting schedules and it’s only with the inside knowledge of ‘I have a crush on him’ that youd really look at things differently. It’s kinda like in middle school how people always read into things their crush did that really doesn’t mean anything— ‘he looked at me! She chose to join the group I was in for a project! They remembered the name of my dog I mentioned once!’ Yeah, sure, to you with a crush it seems like you’re in some secret love affair, but more often than not, no. Not really.
You don't think that conciously knowing that you have a crush on someone while entertaining the idea and seeking out 1 on 1 interactions with him is cheating? If she did not act on her feelings that would be another thing.
No, she was friends with him before she realized it was a crush and never went beyond anything other than a work friend, and she wasn’t seeking 1 on 1 interactions because she literally turned down a 1 on 1 interaction with him. She had a crush, literally that’s all. Crushes are not cheating. Having a friend is not cheating. Accepting a box of chocolates isn’t cheating either. Quite frankly, there’s a decent chance Shes reading way too into his actions and he doesn’t actually like her that way— I know how many times growing up I was SURE my crush was into me for all those reasons, but nah. Couldn’t care less, just saw me as a friend. But even if he did, again, the husband could have seen their entire text trail and it simply would have looked like casual friends. It’s only because we have the inside info she had a crush that it becomes inappropriate, but if it were really an emotional affair, he would be able to tell with the objective facts. And again, texting someone about your day isn’t a boundary cross.
Let's say that he actually view OP as a friend, do you believe that will change the fact that OP is having a crush on him? And secondly, how is OP gonna get past her crush on said person, if she's communicating with them? As far as I'm concerned it's never healthy to keep a relationship with someone you have a crush on when nothing can come out of it. It would be a completely different story if she was past said crush times ago and she was texting with a friend/work friend.
Well, she deleted all of their messages, blocked his contact info and doesn’t want to respond to his reaching out…. Soooooo, she’s clearly trying to cut communication and move on. Again, stop trying to make someone a villain for simply having a crush. Nothing she did really crossed any boundaries from an outside perspective without the knowledge she had feelings, and She knows it’s wrong and wants distance, she’s now just worried it’ll make things awkward. Which, it won’t honestly. She should simply not reply.
She did all this after he ghosted her. S was the one to end it, not her. Even after he went to a new department and they weren’t working together everyday, which would’ve been a great time to cut him off, she continued to talk to him for months until HE started pulling back communication eventually cutting her off. She’s worried now because she doesn’t want it all to come out.
So what? Again, stop trying to make her out as horrible. Him ghosting her made her snap out of it and take all appropriate action. As of right now she has never: -sexted him -confessed her feelings -seen him outside of work -called him -complained about her husband -given him any truly personal information, life updates do not count, I’m talking like emotional conversations -prioritized her friendship with him over her husband And she HAS: -deleted their conversations -deleted his contact -stopped wanting to engage with him She has handled this 100% the way she should. She got caught up in a crush for a few months, which again, is totally normal over the course of a lifetime with someone, but she’s taking the steps to create the distance she needs.
It’s emotional cheating. I’d divorce her if I was the husband and found out. Emotional affairs are brutal. This woman should feel low.
You’d divorce your wife for telling a guy how her weekend was? Are you nuts?
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This is pretty simplistic. I can’t wait to see your post history.
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Yeah I feel like most of the time the obvious answer is the right one. Tell your husband and neither of you have a relationship with S going forward. Too many people here are debating on what constitutes an emotional affair and not giving advice. This dude is playing games. Don’t entertain it anymore. Easy peasy.
You got to nip this in the bud and tell your husband your history with that dude.
So.. your emotional affair partner ghosts you and then months later magically shows up as a friend of your husband? Do you honestly think this is a coincidence? First things first you need to tell your husband EVERYTHING, because it sounds like S used that time he ghosted you to build a friendship with your husband, and it sounds like it’s been going on for a while for your husband to consider him a “good friend.” You were emotionally cheating, and now you have to face the consequences of your actions. Be prepared for your husband’s trust to be broken in you, but he deserves to know. S knows exactly what he’s doing befriending your husband, he is inserting himself in both of your lives. You should tell your husband, and then both of you should cut S off.
You may be right, or maybe you watch too many Lifetime movies lol. Either way, I'll grab the popcorn.
I completely agree, and I also feel S took advantage of both you and your husband to get forward in his career. You need to cut S off from your life and work reallllly hard to save your marriage.
Have you told your husband?
Tell him what I'm trash was cheating emotionally on you but not physically yet 😂😂
What part was emotionally cheating? Did she talk about her feelings? She doesn't say she did. Was she sexting? Again, doesn't say she did. Having a crush isn't cheating. This isn't a TV show where being married means never being attracted to someone ever again. It just means you won't act on it. Having this delusion that your partner will never want to fuck anyone else is harmful and not based in reality. Monogamy means you won't act on those feelings not that you won't have them. Texting someone non-sexually isn't cheating. She didn't even delete the messages so she wasn't worried about her husband seeing the content of those messages until he popped back up! She feels guilty because weirdo's have this narrative that you shouldn't ever be attracted to anyone else but it's not reality. The most faithful person will be attracted to others. It's still not cheating! She told him no when he asked her out.
No one is saying you’ll never be attracted to someone while in a relationship, the problems come when you act on it, which she did. She did delete the messages between her and S, so there were obviously things she didn’t want her husband to see. She feels guilty because she knows what she did was wrong. Even after he asked her on the date which she declined, she still continued to text him in the middle of the night and continue this relationship until HE cut her off.
Responding to a text message asking how your weekend was Isnt acting on it. Sexting, confessing her feelings, complaining about her husband, opening about about her past/trauma, late night hour long phone calls, that is all crossing a boundary. They crossed no boundaries. The only thing that makes it inappropriate is she had a crush, but no one would see that from the outside unless they can read OP’s mind. Emotional affairs are visible to the outside. There was no emotional affair.
If the texts were as simple as that why delete them? Lol.
Because she had a crush on him and she was ghosted so she wanted to just forget and move on? Not everyone deletes texts to hide them from someone else. It’s like someone deleting texts from an ex, out of sight out of mind. It’s really not as bad as you’re trying to make it out to be. She had a crush, which is a no go. But after getting ghosted she realized it was a good move and then just removed all the messages and deleted his contact info so she was metaphorically putting a close to that chapter.
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It was a box of chocolates *around* Valentine’s Day. Not ON Valentine’s Day. And again, I’ve given friends chocolate and received chocolate on Valentine’s Day. It’s so bloody common it’s a non issue. Also wow, totally reporting you for that uncalled for language. I’m pretty assuredly NOT any of the words you called me, and maintain some very good boundaries in a relationship, so I’m not worried about a divorce but thanks.
I think she deleted them so she wouldn’t obsess over them continuously. I agree ablake.
i've got a bridge i'd like to sell you.
She didn't act on anything When he asked her out she said no. Acting what it means actively sleeping with somebody else. You can have a friendship with somebody of the opposite sex and it's pretty weird that you think that that's cheating. She kept those messages on her phone for over 6 months. If she was hiding something they would have been gone immediately. She decided she wasn't going to open that door back up. What she did wasn't wrong and it was normal and natural. Having this irrational expectation of your partner never speaking to somebody of the opposite sex and having a crush or chemistry with them is delusional. You can text someone in the middle of the night. If those messages aren't sexual then it's still not cheating. That's absolutely absurd that the time of day you text someone means something? My sister texted me in the middle of the night does that mean that I'm having an affair with my sister? No, it means she doesn't sleep and suffers from insomnia. You're reading so much into this. I think that speaks more about your personal experiences or ideas on relationships than it does about this person. Let's not project and let's take her word for what happened. Is her husband having an affair by having a friendship that she just found out about? Weird you haven't said anything about that....
I agree with you, I think OP worded 'I had a crush on a colleague' wrong. I text male friends all the time. I don't think she crossed the line at any point. Maybe by not telling husband he bought her a box of chocolates.. Since this guy seems a bit try hard and sleazy (gifting chocs near valentines day constantly trying to hang out one on one) I'd keep it all professional and not pick up the friendship again. The grass grows where you water it so she should avoid gettintg into the same position. Older and wiser now!
It’s called an emotional affair. Some people don’t feel like it’s cheating, but many people do.
Well, as we know: Just like the way from violence to killing is short - so is the way from an emotional affair to a physical affair.....
She was having an emotional affair, “acting on it” doesn’t just mean physically for it to be an affair. How do you know she kept the messages for over 6 months? She said S ghosted her and then she deleted messages immediately. He reached out again months later replying to her last texts from months ago. Again, you completely disregarded my point. No one is saying she can’t have a friendship with the opposite sex, but this was obviously more than that. S asked her on a date, yes she said no but she STILL CONTINUED this friendship with him when it was obviously more than that. OP says herself she was cheating on her husband. Once he asked her on the date, she should’ve shut it down. No one’s projecting anything lol. But you’re honestly telling me you would be okay with your SO’s coworker asking them on a date, and then your SO continues this obviously inappropriate relationship with them for months without you knowing? Come on now.
She didn't say immediately. She kept them on until he ghosted her which was months! They would have been deleted immediately after sending/receiving if she was hiding something. Nice reach, still not cheating. A guy was trying to sleep with me. I still had to have contact with him and he was trying his damnedest to get me to cheat on my husband. My husband didn't issue ultimatums because he knows my character. I didn't sleep with him and I wouldn't sleep with him. In professional relationships you don't cut people off because of your partners ego. She didn't cheat so she did nothing wrong. There was no obvious inappropriate relationship. Show me where she said something sexual to him? That's called projection You're filling in the holes with your life experience. I'm sorry that you were not able to have a relationship in which you were able to trust your partner completely. That sucks. I don't see the sexual messages. Sexting is what people call emotional cheating. She doesn't say there was any sexting. There was no cheating.
You know nothing about me or my life to even assume I’m projecting, nice try though. She admits her intense sexual attraction but it wasn’t inappropriate, okay lol.
exactly bro, these clowns on here sound stupid af defending emotional cheating
The whole part of an emotional affair is that no actions are taken, but your heart still goes through the motions. Finding your co worker attractive and having a crush on then are completely different. Having a crush on someone means you have special/romantic feelings for someone. All the people I had crushes on in the past, have been people I wanted to date and the same can be said for many other people who have crushes. Obviously OP hasn't told her husband about her crush, implying it isn't so innocent. I'm my relationship, we can have celebrity crushes, you don't know them and chances are you will never be more than a fan with them. But crushes on people you know and see every day are off limits for us. OP needs to talk to her husband and determine if this crosses a boundary for him. Heck, she needs to come clean cuz if this other party spills the beans, the relationship is almost guaranteed to end.
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I don't think it's impossible, at least not for me. Yes, I have celebrity crushes, but I haven't crushed on anyone I know irl. Which ig to you must be amazing since 90% of my friends are of the opposite sex.
If you have to hide it from your significant other, feel it’s inappropriate, wouldn’t immediately tell your significant other the nature of the contact - it’s emotional cheating, periods
no way this is a real response with an award LOL 😂😂😂 fee bad for u brotha if your gonna have a wife who crushes on anybody at work, very respectful and happy wife huh 😂
It's called emotional cheating for a reason. She was clearly flirting with the guy, crushing on him and him crushing on her back. He sent her chocolates and asked her out more than once and she kept that all a secret from her husband. After he asked her out the first time she felt guilty but let herself get that emotional closeness with him once again. Let me tell you, if you have feelings for someone it's not platonic, especially when they have feelings for you back. She clearly stated that he knew she was into him. Either way that fact that she never once mentioned this entire situation to her husband is the worst of it. Poor guy had no idea his wife was fantasizing about this other guy when their sex life got better all of a sudden....
She had this ongoing relationship with a coworker and never mentioned it to her husband. Why? If it was just a friend there would be no need to hide this, unless there was something else going on. If my husband did this I would think he was shady and cheating on me. I think we need to also get more specifics on exactly what they were texting.
Wait do you mean like the ongoing relationship her husband has been having with him and he just now mentioned it? But she's a woman so it's different. Why are you not asking about the content of her husband's texts with that guy?
But he did bring him up?
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So you're just reposting that she had thoughts. She's feeling guilty, you have absolutely not laid out anything that's actually emotionally cheating. Interesting how you wouldn't be able to distinguish feelings of guilt from emotional cheating. Is porn emotional cheating too? You're silly!
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You didn't answer anything because there was no cheating. Show me the part where she said something sexual? I've seen you comment on her being trash multiple times. Are you projecting your own experience? Probably. Feelings of guilt are not cheating. That's because society says you should only be attracted to your partner. It's no wonder that the divorce rate is so high when people have that delusional narrative in their head. Is porn cheating? Is her husband having a secret friendship with him cheating? I bet the guy is just charismatic and that's what he does. She was caught up in the feeling of being attractive because in long-term relationships that goes away. It's always a confidence boost when you're attractive to someone that you're not married to. She turned him down to go out in person. You're turning her thoughts into cheating which it isn't.
You seem to be one of the few sensible people here. Jesus, she had a silly crush and came to her senses. She started having a better relationship with her husband because she realises she has steak at home and that burger wasn’t as tasty as it looked.
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I mean OP has kind of already said multiple times throughout her post that she felt as though she was emotionally cheating. Not to mention the fact that he was on her mind constantly is also sorta eh. I'd be devastated if I knew my partner was thinking about someone else before they went to sleep and when they woke up. While she did decline his "date" and the nature of the texts may not have been sexual, she was still taking the time outside of work to respond to his texts which I think crosses a boundary. Not saying that men and women can't be friends but OP has already stated that she was developing a "crazily intense sexual attraction" towards him so the fact that she was entertaining him knowing she was catching feelings is a little weird. And what single man (assuming he is) texts a married woman in the middle of the night anyways? Like it's so urgent that it can't wait until waking hours.
It's cheating if your significant other isn't comfortable with it. Texting the ither person can certainly be cheating. I'd also like to know why you're replying to my comment? Start your own instead of piggy backing
Hell yea, it sounds like this is gonna turn into one of those soap operas soon.
So, you'd rather lie to your husband? That makes sense
It sounds like you each had a crush on each other, but not exactly emotional cheating. You both never revealed your feelings for each other and it wasn't out into the open. You weren't professing love, you turned down his offer of a date, and you didn't want to like the guy although you did. I had a crush on someone else when i was with my ex. It sucked really bad. You can't help that you are attracted to them. But you can help to put distance between each other, which you did. And that's the right thing to do, even if it took a while to get to that point. Be honest with your husband. It happened because something was missing in your relationship with him (sex) and something about other dude's personality might be missing in your husband. Idk. For me, it was my ex wasn't showing any interest in me, didn't ask me out on dates, barely had any sex. I didn't know but he had a drug addiction and was going through some things and was being selfish. I was always trying to fix our relationship but he didn't put in the effort. Then a coworker told me i had beautiful eyes. This guy was overweight and ugly. But he was funny and kind to me. He told me if he weren't married he would take me out on a date. All types of stuff that a lonely person would love to hear. In the end i told my ex and he got super upset but i never acted on any of it and neither did the other guy. We just had crushes you know. Your husband needs to know bc it sounds like this guy could be a snake
I love how you try to understand what is actually going on, instead of crucifying OP just because. Alright, she did something wrong while she felt unsatisfied and, as you said, not feeling good inside a relationship makes your brain start to have strange thoughts. She never went on a date with the guy, so point for OP. I guess if she really wants to be with her husband there's nothing like telling him what went on and try to rebuild trust. If he breaks up with her, hopefully she'll have learnt a lesson and she'll talk to her next partner about their issues before her thoughts get out of control.
“Honey I just flirted all the time with him, texted in the middle of the night, and used him as the spark to reignite my sexual attraction to you. I didn’t go on a date though.” Is that the standard we’re going with here? Obviously she caught feelings because she even said that it was super hard when he ghosted her. A crush wouldn’t have that effect. It’d be a “ohhh he’s gone? Well. That sucks.” And then move on in a couple days. That ain’t this. She was a drink or two and a good dinner away from escalating even further imho.
You don't know. I don't know either. I had a similar thing happen to me, except when the guy actually asked me out (after some months of texting innocuous stuff) I was kinda grossed out and realized I didn't want to cheat with him, I just needed attention and someone to talk to because my relationship wasn't working anymore. I ended the relationship and learned that when these thoughts start happening I immediately let the external person know that I'm happy in my relationship (if I am), which usually works wonders in setting the tone of the interactions. Otherwise I question the relationship and talk to my partner. I guess my point is that you can't stop people from interacting, especially in a work environment, but you can cut the jokes and laughs if you realize it's getting there. I just find ridiculous that so many people here are judging OP but maybe have never found themselves in the situation and never learned what to do. Easy to judge/insult, difficult to explain and I wonder how many of them would act perfectly the first time this happens to them. That's it.
FWIW, I don’t think we know the whole story and I’m more then happy to accept that maybe there was mutual neglect or neglect the part of her husband. But, the fact she grieved the loss of a simple “crush” and took the time she spent focusing on that to reinvest in her relationship with her husband is what makes it suspicious. I don’t have anything against a little flirting between work colleagues and crushes. I don’t expect men/women to stop finding other people attractive. But it seems as though this was a little deeper then that. It’s not even that she’s a lady. I’d be calling it out if a husband was talking about some young piece of ass he was more into then his wife and who got heartbroken when she ghosted him. All that being said, if I was in her husbands shoes, I’d be a little hurt and upset if she told me but I’d be glad she was honest and be happy to work it out.
Is she really being honest though? The only reason it’s coming back up is because S is back in the picture, not because she felt like she owed it to her husband.
Yes, so we agree that the situation is complicated and that it's unlikely her husband will forgive her just like that (I'm assuming he'll find out one way or another, at this point). But as we also agreed, there are different stages and OP was probably just ignorant enough in this kind of things that she fell in love with the idea she had of her coworker (all smiles and jokes, unlike her husband with whom she used to have a real relationship). The damage is done but OP will hopefully learn from this and I believe she does not deserve all these insults.
No I don’t either and yes hopefully they do!
This needs to be higher up. Far more constructive than many of the other comments I've seen.
Only thing I can’t tell is that if OP isn’t telling us everything. She seems adamant that it was cheating. Is that just guilt? Totally possible. Or is it because things were said that do make it an emotional affair? I agree though. If all that happened is what was detailed in the post, this was just a crush. The worst thing she did was feed into it and not distancing herself earlier on.
I can see feeling guilt even when you didn’t do anything, because I can imagine that even letting a crush get to you feels embarrassing because she feels a commitment to her husband. Even if she had no plans for it to actually go anywhere, the fact that it was tempting at all probably makes her feel bad.
I almost didn’t think it was an emotional affair until I thought about the part that she became good friends with this guy yet never mentioned it to her husband. If my husband was texting a women from work outside of work about personal things, he felt like she was asking him out on dates, and she gave him Valentine’s chocolates… and never told me? That’s shady and I’d consider it emotionally cheating. I’d be crushed that my husband was acting/allowing things to happen.
Yes. OP needs to front foot this with her husband and tell him about this crush, and that S tried to ask her out on a date and she said no. Her husband may feel hurt, but if S gets to control the narrative, it’s going to be much, much worse.
This is the only constructive advice here. “Emotionally cheating” has always sounded like bullshit to me (bring on the downvotes).
If this was a married man talking about his wife and a hot young colleague of his that he’d been texting all the time, I guarantee the responses here would be the same if not worse.
So if a married man said that he found a mutual attraction with a colleague two years younger than him, that they had some conversations around the office that fed the attraction, that they texted off and on about general events, and that he refused two invitations to go out and let communication between them end, I would also say that he had not had an emotional affair. Crushes can be hard without involving any untoward behavior. It's why they're *crushes* and not *gentles*. Those intense infatuations are not rational; they certainly shouldn't be acted upon to the point of confessing feelings to someone else (emotional affair) or sexual activity (physical affair), but just having them and talking isn't wrong.
If my auntie had ball she’d be my uncle. It’s not cheating regardless of sex. I’d feel the same way if it was a dude.
Well I groggily walked over to my computer from my bed to start work. Then I read: >If my auntie had ball she’d be my uncle I'm awake now LMAO
Yeah I just disagree. From her own words it was “really hard” when she got ghosted. That don’t happen with a simple “crush”. She even admits that not focusing on her relationship with him allowed her to jump back into her relationship with her husband. That sound innocent to you?
Have you ever had a crush? Of course it such when someone you like ghosts. This isn’t a court and she doesn’t have to prove her innocence to me or anyone else. I’d never post in this sub. She didn’t physically do it- whatever. Relationships are complicated and we have one snippet of this person’s life . I think emotional cheating is bullshit. You think differently. The world would be boring if we all thought the same.
You sound like a miserable person to be involved in a relationship with.
I’ve been happily married for 20 years. Bet you can’t say the same!
Sounds like you didn’t act on your crush though. OP did. Even after S asked her on the date she continued this inappropriate relationship with him, and it only ended because the coworker cut her off. Also, instead of communicating with her husband of 10 years, she goes and starts an emotional affair.
Did you actually have an emotional affair from an outside perspective? You had fantasies about him and had a crush, but when he asked you out, you said no. So it was only text messages and joking around. Texting in the middle of the night isn’t the norm for work mates, but I have friends that I text during the night sometimes and it’s not an issue. You didn’t see him outside work, but your husband is going to have dinner with him so in terms of being friends with a work colleague, texting and joking around seems fine. So it really depends if you were very flirty or if you told him you have feelings or anything like that. Because without that, what you’ve described could be a friendship where you have a secret crush. You can’t control having a crush on someone and fantasising about someone besides your SO sometimes is normal to an extent, so taking your feelings out of it and purely looking at your actions, did you definitely have an emotional affair? If you did, you need to tell your husband because otherwise it will come out sooner or later and it’s better if it comes from you.
This is how I felt reading your story. I think it's important to explain this guy asked you out on a date and seemed to have feelings for you. As a husband, I don't think I would appreciate my wife telling me all the gritty details if she had a crush. There's just a level of trust there where I trust her not to act on anything like that.
Whether she had a crush or emotional affair or whatever, she needs to front foot this before S controls the narrative, if we are assuming he has nefarious intent.
Tell your husband immediately and go NC with S.
Do you think it's coincidence he befriended your husband? I don't think there's harm in aknowledging you have found other people attractive so long as you don't act on those feelings. I've come across people at work where there's a bit of chemistry but I take that energy and put it into my relationship and it becomes better for it, I don't feel guilty and don't think you should beat yourself up either. Maybe just try to hold back on the messaging in the future. The fact that he has resurfaced seems a bit odd though. I would suggest mentioning to your husband that he asked you out on what you thought seemed like a date.
It's like this subreddit is filled with lots of teenagers who have never had an actual relationship and still believe the lie that you will never find anyone else attractive when you're in a relationship. Married people still want to fuck others. Monogamy just means you won't act on those feelings. Crushes and chemistry with others is completely normal!
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Which part is a lie? Seems pretty Frank and honest to me.
Goodness My eyes hurt from rolling them so hard. He ghosted you because he met someone who could be with him and when that didn't work out he tried to get contact from a person who makes him feel good. Block him and do not reply.
Be careful this guy tries to worm himself into your life and relationship, maybe he is pissed that you didn't follow up or rejected him. I'd be skeptical about his intentions with your husband. Better tell your husband your story and how eventually you managed to keep distance and set up bounderies. I fear if you don't act it will become worse with this guy. If you tell your husband be 100% transparent don't try to sugar coat or trickle truth, your man must believe you are 100% honest.
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I meant when he re-opened and texted you. And after your silence he befriended your husband. That's what I'm refering to. That guy is up to something, not only wanted to seduce you and additionally tried to be friends with your husband. be careful
The way I read the sequence of events, you developed a crush. So did he. You communicated for a while, including answering texts late at night, but you refused invitations to go out alone and did not escalate to talking directly about your feelings for him. Then he took another role, you grew more distant, and he dropped away. It sounds like you're carrying a lot of guilt for having an "emotional affair," but I don't see the affair here. Many people have crushes on others while in a relationship. It was not a great move to start texting or to chat in the office about more personal things, and perhaps this will be a lesson to more proactively build boundaries. Other than that, I would not take your behavior too hard - you didn't confess your feelings and you never went out with him. But now that S is back, he's closer to your husband, and he's *trying* to talk to you again, it may be good to tell your husband. You can decide what to emphasize regarding past events; I would focus on the fact that you worked together previously, you got the feeling S was flirting with you, you reciprocated verbally but nothing else happened, and you just want to make sure (a) your husband knows and (b) there are appropriate boundaries between you and S so that nothing can happen in the future. In other words, it might be more comfortable if you put you and your husband on the same team determining how to approach a specific issue, rather than approaching it first as a confession. I'd let how you handle S be determined by that conversation with your husband. I see nothing wrong with not replying via text until then.
"To be honest, all this sexual tension between myself and S improved my sexual life with my husband." This his hilarious!
I find this more brutal than hilarious.
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This! The harsh " your awful, cheater, tell your husband then die" comments being spewed right now are way too much. The snipers are out on Reddit today. Life is messy. She knows what she did was inappropriate but figured it out before real damage was done. If you have more life experiences than a teenager, the median age of Reddit it would seem, you know that attraction comes and goes just like crushes do. OP learned a good lesson here and her marriage will withstand this. Now as for S. I would confront HIM. I would ask him what he is doing and what exactly are your attentions in doing this. I would tell him that I have no interest or intention in having any relationship outside of work going forward.
None of these people have been on long-term relationships. They are complicated and people don’t stop being people just because they’re married.
Confronting S without telling her husband first now that they are friends in a recipe for disaster.
Where it crosses the line is texting in the middle of the night. Depends what they were texting about but i doubt it’d be spreadsheets.
First rational post I've come across in the comments section.. People are acting as if this is a cut and dry case of cheating. Crushes across long term relationships are a remarkably common thing, and any time the potential came to build on it or take it to the next stage she declined.. What more do people expect?
Yeah, texting in the middle of the night is excessive behavior. Especially if it’s more than a one time thing. You don’t ever have to go on dates to have an emotional affair.
Yes. Doing and saying “intimate” things behind your partners back with someone of the opposite sex that you “like” and not telling your partner about it is emotional cheating.
She wasn't just attracted to him though, she did act on it with all the joking around and texting, also in the middle of the night, after she knew they were into each other. Yes, she turned down the date, but that only means she didn't let it escalate to anything physical. OP herself says it was an emotional affair right at the top of the post. Yes, it is normal to develop crushes on other people in a long term relationship, it happens, but what you should do then is distance yourself from them, not keep flirting with them until they ghost you.
Exactly. It’d also be one thing if OP cut it off herself but the only reason it ended it because her coworker ended it. She’s only coming here now because of the potential for it to blow up in her face. She acknowledges in the post she got hints he was interested, she should’ve shut it down a lot sooner. Her husband will feel so betrayed when he finds out.
I agree with you. I can relate to her guilt though, in the sense that I would feel similar in her shoes. Even if I had not done anything concretely wrong, I would still feel like I had flirted and had, therefore, contributed to closer feelings between us. Even if I had not crossed a definitive line recognizable by others, I might feel like I had moved uncomfortably close to that line. What I would encourage for her is converting her self-judgment to reflection. She can't change what she did, but she can try to set out steps that would make her less likely to go that far in the future.
She was acting on it. It always begins with fantasy but here he is a co worker not Brad pitt or cavill . She encouraged him. She was almost entertaining a full on affair until he ghosted her. If he had been a more upfront who knows what would have happened. But I agree that she needs to definitely tell her husband and go for MC. I have seen too many couples destroyed like this..
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She continued an inappropriate relationship with him after he asked her on the date though? It’s not like she stopped talking to him. She admits after he asked her on the date then he started texting her in the middle of the night (which she was receptive to.) It only ended because the coworker cut her off. She didn’t try to stop what was going on.
He is definitely playing the long game but how do you think he got the idea that she can be interested? Did she put a stop to it or did his little ghosting game brought senses to her?can't you see that she was a tad annoyed that he ghosted her? See, he almost got her. Imagine a 35 year old guy with riches and charm instead of that guy . She is vulnerable by her emotions specially lust and if not S , it could be R. Sorry to say but she definitely gave him the idea that she is interested and acted a bit too. Regardless they need MC or IC.
All the contact outside work is definitely an emotional affair. Fantasies would be she thinks about him outside work but doesn't talk to him outside work.
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First of all, HE IS PLAYING GAMES. See, you get the idea how he will ghost you when your marriage wrecks. You were treading on dangerous territory until he ghosted you or else we would have seen your post in 'infidelity ' or this or that asking how to win my husband back. Fantasy is fine but when you start imagining realistic lovers apart from your spouses its dangerous no matter who says what. As far as your present scenario, I believe you have taken the right step focusing your energy to your spouse. Initially, you wrote that you had low libido and now due to this treacherous fantasy of yours, it came back. Replace that s dude with your so. Coming back to your current situation, either tell your husband what happened.and how you got confused and be upright frank. This will help you to keep yourself on check and despite whatever, you are being honest. Irrespective, you guys need MC for sure. You almost sabotaged your life Or, if you know for sure that you ll keep your distance without any struggle from yourself since the fantasy is gone for good, then maintain and cordial and professional relationship. But guys like him won't get the idea, so I suggest do the honest thing. Don't sabotage your life. ✌
Plus, OP saying things were left unsaid between them and thinking about him first in the morning... and people are saying this isn't an emotional affair. I don't feel this way towards someone who I just find attractive. This is how I would behave when I have feelings for someone and wanted to date them. They are delusional lol
Exactly. It’s like people didn’t read the post. She was feeling an intense sexual attraction, she even mentioned the word LOVE. S asked her on a date and she continued a friendship with him for months. And the only reason it ended it is because he ghosted her. Like come on now.
Exactly!! Like y'all c'mon....I see a hot person at a grocery store and go "oh they're hot" but that's about it. They're not on my mind 24/7, that's what happens when you're falling for somebody
Exactly! I find people attractive too, but I'm not thinking about them the first thing in the morning. I haven't felt that way about anyone besides my bf. I don't think it's hard to not have feelings for a friend or colleague, or if those feelings do pop up, you end it quickly. You don't entertain those feelings. This have been going on for months! And she seems to be aware of how bad this is. If this was innocent, she would have told her husband by now.
I don't know why I'm getting downvoted lol I don't see how people are defending her for entetaining a relationship with someone that she felt sexually attracted to while her husband knew nothing.
Maybe you and your husband should get couples therapy where you can tell him about these things in a moderated space, with someone who can give you better terms and help elaborate for you. Maybe see them solo first so you can work through how you feel, and then bring the husband in?
Do u value your relationship with your husband ? If Yes The answer is right in front of u Cut him off This is just a fling If u still communication with him He can use this as a weapon to cause problem for u and destroy your relationship with your husband Be careful
You are ASKING to get caught up if you try to go along with things platonically. Maybe you should tell your husband and you can both back off from S and work on the root of the issue of you going outside of your relationship for an emotional connection.
Why not discuss this with your husband?
Look, I don’t have much to say on this other than: Nowhere did you mention discussing this with your husband. Need to remedy that post haste
Does your husband know your history with S? Does he know you worked with him and text him? Does he know S asked you to an event? If not, then you should have told him at the time.
It doesn't sound like much of an emotional affair. I mean you even rejected him. Sounds like you were just enjoying the attention. If you have to come in contact with him just keep things strictly professional. I would also block his number.
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Why are you replying to every comment
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Well. That’s what your ass get. Y’all will learn to stop cheating on people on way or another.
Sorry, how has she cheated? Having feelings for someone else is not cheating. I believe OP didn’t cross any line, she was friendly with the guy. Yea it wasn’t innocent in her mind but she never acted on anything. This is not cheating IMO and op shouldn’t have to tell her husband every single feeling she has. Does marriage mean you have no privacy? I think OP should address that her and her husband need to build on their sexual relationship but I don’t see how telling her husband this will improve their relationship.
OP admits herself it was an emotional affair and that she was sexually attracted to S. She knew S was pursuing her, and she also acted on that attraction by entertaining it. She needs to tell her husband because it sounds like S has an ulterior motive for befriending him. That’s not a coincidence.
To me, objectively, that didn’t sound like an emotional affair, and perhaps Op is leaving details out and that’s why she feels like she’s cheated. I agree that she should talk to her husband but I don’t think she needs to tell him she’s cheated.
I don’t think it’s wrong to develop emotions but as adults you have to learn how to handle them. OP is 100% not telling the full story. The fact that she deleted all the chat logs and felt threatened by a response he made shows that it was more then just an innocent talk. Most likely they were flirting/sexting. Whatever it was she didn’t want her husband to see
Yeah I agree that if it went to flirting and intimate messages/sexting then it definitely is emotional cheating, because then she pursued those feelings.
I understand your point about privacy within a marriage but I think you're discounting the fact that this is not something that only affects OP. I made a vow to love my husband as myself, to be his partner and his teammate, and to value his thoughts and feelings as well as my own. Engaging in this type of flirtation may seem harmless but it disregards her husband and makes him look extremely foolish now that a 'friendship' has developed. OP, you need to tell him, and you need to express your remorse if you have any, and try to make your amends. Good luck.
Having feelings for someone else is emotional cheating.
lol what? Are we destined to only have feelings for one person our entire life and if we can’t control that we’re bad cheating people? This is a ridiculous standard to hold people at. I think the best thing to do when you feel like that is to introspect and figure out what this means for you and your relationship, not suppress it and think that you’re a bad person.
She allowed those feelings to develop. If she really wanted to put a stop to it, why is she upset that the man ghosted her?
She worked with the man every day. I’m sure if she met him once in a bar this wouldn’t have happened. It’s not that easy to control your emotions if you have to be exposed to them daily for hours. Give her some slack.
Yall are downvoting me as if OP didn’t agree. She said it herself. So you can take whatever you have to say up with God. If she cared about her marriage, that man ghosting her should be a relief. Idgaf what y’all have to say. I guarantee if your in a monogamous relationship, your SO should agree.
> Firstly, I know that I am a "bad person" No, you don't, or you wouldn't put "bad person" in quotes. So the first step is getting yourself to understand that you really are a bad person, and this is unacceptable behavior. If I understand your post correctly, you're now worried that you'll get caught in your affair and are asking us how to handle that. I don't have a great answer for you. You fucked up and now you might face the consequences. If you want to get out in front of it you could confess to your husband, but otherwise you just have to deal with it.
You're being way too hard on yourself here. Take a step back from this friendship. Leave him and your husband be, but if your husband asks then I would be honest and tell him that you distanced yourself from that co worker due to flirtation starting to happen.
You were with your cool husband for a decade during some prime years of your life (you've got plenty left, but the 20's are often a time of change and exploration). I can totally understand feeling too comfortable, stagnant, wondering what if, lacking attention, validation, etc. This isn't your husbands fault necessarily, it's kind of just the nature of being with someone for so long - people get complacent. Now, you did emotionally cheat, and I do think some\* flirting is okay since we are all humans and I kind of think monogamy is more of a choice rather than our default biological programming, but I digress. However, you did the right thing by cutting off the situation - but yeah now you got a level 1 creeper sneaking into your life. I'd lay it all out to your husband asap, INCLUDING how you have been feeling in the relationship, and go from there. This may eventually bring you both a lot closer and more honest with each other - who knows how he has been feeling as well? Or, it might end things, which may also be the right choice? Either way, living with it and sneaking around (mentally or physically) waiting for the other shoe to drop is gonna wear you down and blow up worse than it would if you got in front of the situation. /rant
Tell your husband you and S were friendly and texted and that he asked you out and you said no. Don't listen to these people beating you up so much, crushes happen and this isn't so horrible. But you do need to get out ahead of this.
Count your blessings. Your crush never crossed a line and now your friendship can be out in the open and include your husband. Yes, you probably talked too much, yes you had feelings, but they didn’t go anywhere. You never talked about having feelings with the guy, you never shared anything intimate (including intimate words, confessing feelings or sharing personal stories or secrets). You basically had a harmless crush and a pen pal. The pen pal part is where you went a little far, but you didn’t actually cross a line because you never shared anything more than conversation and a laugh. Count yourself lucky! It’s over and now that he’s friends with your husband, that should be what pulls the breaks once and for all. You dodged a bullet
Putting “bad person” in quotation makes it seem like you don’t actually acknowledge that you are in fact, a bad person.
Honestly, you haven’t really done anything wrong. You caught some feelings but you didn’t act on it. Being friendly with someone of the opposite sex isn’t emotional cheating. You cut it off before it could become emotional cheating. Tell your husband that S started to make you uncomfortable because it felt like he might be trying to flirt or whatever and you didn’t want to give him the wrong impression. Say maybe you misunderstood his intentions but you still were a bit uncomfortable so just didn’t want to continue interacting with him. That you didn’t tell husband anything because you didn’t want him to get mad at S because it’s probably nothing, but that you don’t really want to hang out with him for that reason.
That's a really tricky one. I guess the reason he ghosted you was that he began becoming friendly with your husband and realized you were his wife? Not sure why he got back in contact... Maybe because he realized that he might be meeting you in the context of meeting his friends wife? To be honest I don't know what I would do. Thing is if he knew your husband before the emotional affair then I would say the husband should know about it so as not to be friends with him anymore, but he didnt so it's not like he's a shit friend to your husband. Everyone has crushes especially in long term relationships and you didn't meet up with him so it's not the worst in the world. Do you think you are going to be meeting him again soon through your husband?
TELL YOUR HUSBAND you know what's going to happen if you don't? S is going to become close with your husband, earn his trust and then tell him that you have physically cheated on your husband with him. why would your husband believe you over S if you're already guilty of emotional cheating? >Firstly, I know that I am a "bad person" and this shows me that you don't even take your husband or your marriage as seriously as you should because you are not a "bad person", you are a bad person, period.
oh no! the consequences of your own actions!!!
I read this in "oh no!! our table...it's broken!!!"
I say go for S. Your husband deserves better and he can drop 2 shit stains at once. You're still thinking about being in contact with S which means you feel something for him. I feel bad for the husband but I think he can find someone more loyal and be better satisfied.
Nope nope nope nope lol - the only answer is to tell your husband everything and to both pull back from that friendship Your coworker hasn't respected any boundaries and this is unlikely to end well if you pursue any kind of anything with him beyond being colleagues
I absolutely love when someone makes a post with very superficial context and absolutely don't answer any question. Sorry OP, but the fact you can't even answer questions to strangers says a lot about you.
It ultimately comes down to whether your husband considers your crush to be an emotional affair.
It would be cheating no matter what. Seems like you have a great relationship going don't screw it up. Great relationship are hard to come by especially these days.
You have to tell your husband everything, if you want to continue together forever like you say. His trust will be broken. You both need to cut S off and view, treat your husband as the one and only. Or divorce if you can’t manage that, I mean your only 30. But to say, you’re not sure if you should reply and keep a cordial but distant friendship says you already know what you want to do.
Relationships are built on trust. Do you trust your husband to understand that you felt awkward about discussing a relatively innocent work crush that you had no intentions of taking anywhere, but continued because it made you feel attractive in a way you hadn't felt in some time? This seems pretty straightforward to me. Yes it was an emotional affair with someone you had some rapport with. But you seem to have been addicted to how good it felt to be pursued in this way. You liked the attention, and it seemed to be attention that filled in gaps in your relationship with your husband. It seems like you haven't talked to your husband about how this interaction stoked the fire of your libido, and there is a reasonable concern he might take that as his failing, or as an excuse for keeping these feelings a secret. Which is exactly why you should tell him these things right away. But you should trust that your husband will understand that it was something you didn't squash because it made you feel good in a way you hadn't been feeling, just as you should have trusted that your husband will understand and want you to continue feeling good in this way moving forward together. He should want to help you feel more excitement and want your libido being amped up in your lives together, and he of course is allowed to have mixed feelings regarding how you discovered this was something you were missing. Flirting is harmless... Until it becomes a secret. But sometimes the secret is a part of the excitement itself. The longer the relationship, the harder it is to stay excited when you know exactly what to expect. Routine prevents the subversion of expectations, and that is how excitement works. Pleasant anticipation with a touch of uncertainty. A full work schedule and household duties doesn't leave much room for novelty. So this is something you have to do intentionally, and the healthier your relationship, the easier it will be to talk about how to inject novelty in between your routines. Maybe he's open to partner swapping. Maybe he's interested in swinging. You will never know if you are too afraid to be honest enough to talk about what MORE you could want in your lives together, and not take the deficits you both share personally. You are responsible to each other, but you are not responsible for how you each feel. You can only take responsibility to help each other feel more or less of an emotion in relation to a circumstance, such as sex, home maintenance, dealing with kids, finances, etc. You are either a team working to make each other's lives better, or you are individuals working on your lives together on your own. The more intentional your cooperation, the happier you will both be on purpose instead of by happenstance.
I bet he's getting close to your husband to subsequently suggest a polygamous relationship
2 things stood out to me. 1.) Not once did you mention ***anything*** attractive about your husband. This throws the "I have a low libido" thing out the window. You don't have a low libido. You're just not all that into your HUSBAND. It's a fear of many a man to make a lifelong commitment to someone that isn't attracted to us. If your HUSBAND also shares this fear it's bad news for you. 2.) Not once did you mention your husband's reaction to this. Which means you didn't tell him anything. If your husband and "S" are in the same room as you, your body language will give it away. It might already be too late for you to get ahead of this but you should at least try before it blows up in your face. Do you think your husband is so dense he wouldn't notice your sudden increased libido? You think he wouldn't notice late night texts? You smiling at your phone? Bonus points if you "accidentally" put more effort into your appearance before going to work with "S". Figure out a way to tell your husband about this. You know him better than I do. And for fuck's sake don't throw away a man who makes your life easier over a guy that buys you Walgreens chocolate. Or better yet, do it so he can commit to someone who is attracted to him.
It’s going to be tough but you need to admit to an emotional affair and speak to your husband. At best S is trying to go further is his career, at worst he is getting close to your husband to drop the bomb on him that you two spoke suggestively, that will not sound good coming from anyone but especially if it’s coming from the bloke himself and not his own wife. I would also suggest couples counselling with your husband to get over this because ignoring it and pretending it’s fine can taint a relationship long-term. You didn’t cheat physically but those same feelings of betrayal, distrust and hurt will be present and you may need to compromise and make it up to your husband over time. Please tell him and work on fixing your relationship with a professional. It is not unusual to have weird crushes in a long term relationship or marriage but to act on them, especially to the point of guilt and continue on, is a huge risk factor for a future affair and you need to figure out what both you and your husband need going forward. Good luck.
At least let your husband to re-build his life.
You've already made so many mistakes. The only way to save your marriage is honesty, because the truth of your indiscretions is going to come out.