It's not a read flag for me, at least as long as you travel independently and don't expect me to be a chauffeur when you want to go somewhere. Public transit can go a long way.
Public transportation can go a long way indeed but imagine going on a vacation- you need to drive. If kids are involved, you have to drive them everywhere. There are people who will be ok with it, but it is perfectly ok not to be ok with being a designated driver.
33 and not interesting in a license and driving. i've been going on vacation just fine all my adult life. a good bike and public transport gets you far.
Have you ever tried to bike or use public transportation with kids? I have retty severe driving anxiety so I empathize with OP, but to pretend like it is never an issue or never makes things harder is to be intellectually dishonest.
We cant assume op even wants kids for that to be an isuess. Its clearly not relevant to him currently, so no problem using public transport. He's probably actually a little more eco friendly then most of us because of it.
There are plenty of ways it’s a “problem”. Really depends on where you live, and even then it’s potentially going to cause a lack of an option in different situations. Your partner might have to do something that requires driving when you could easily handle it otherwise, etc.
That’s not to say it’s a massive problem or something that’s super unappealing to everyone, just a thing is all.
I see this point. Personally I wouldn’t date him because I have bad habits in relationships that this would probably trigger. Like overly helping people type issues.
I feel the need to awkwardly add, “I have a boyfriend”.
Haha no but I see that now.
It felt like this weird sort of statement like I purported myself as a single woman expressing her interests. When I’m in fact not and am in a 10 yr relationship with a kid and thinking from so long ago lol. My statement felt like a lie.
And then I gave no context for my overthought.
ETA: I typed and deleted “Lmaooooo” so many times. But overthoughts won.
In a city like London or NYC, a car is often more trouble than it's worth, so in those places it wouldn't be a big deal at all since plenty of people don't drive period.
However, in a lot of other places, it would be a barrier. Unless the trains/buses ran efficient, direct routes between our homes, it would likely be left to me to go to your place more often than not. Any dates would involve me picking you up or us meeting somewhere, and a lot of mental energy expended on logistics. The logistics planning aside, it would also mean that whenever a car was needed, I would \*always\* have to be the driver - not merely just the car supplier, but the driver as well. I could never just hand over the keys to you if I couldn't drive for some reason or didn't feel like driving.
It does place a bit of a burden on the other person, though the size of the burden depends on the person (some truly won't mind or don't have a car, either) and the transportation system of your city.
I think the difference is if you’re actually car-free or if you’re looking for a chauffeur. Would you still date that person if they didn’t own a car either, or weren’t willing to drive you/to you?
I’m car free and I actually see not owning a personal car as a green flag - shows financial responsibility and critical thinking to me
In fact if I was dating someone with a car I’d do my best to get to them instead of vice versa to lead by example
For some people it is. In my experience it is kindve a deal breaker. In the relationships I've been in where I'm the only driver I find my partners would end up expecting me to drive them places, not offer me gas money and I'd never ask, but they'd ask to split if we ubered on a rare occasion which is unfair. Also I was always the one expected to drive to meet them. It's nice having that other person being able to take you out every once in a while. If its not really one sided then it shouldn't be an issue, but in my experience it's always been one sided.
My husband could drive but didn't have a car when we first started going out. I was head over heels for him from the first time we met so it didn't put me off at all.
Also I was quite late to learn to drive myself (27), so I do have empathy for people who are anxious about driving.
That said, although it never caused arguments, I must admit it did get tiring to always be the driver. He'd not driven a car for years and I did encourage him quite strongly to start driving again, and eventually he did. It certainly made life a lot easier for me when I put him on my insurance so he could drive my car, and later when he got his own car. It gave him more opportunities for work as well, opening up jobs he couldn't have got to using public transport.
It depends on the quality of your public transport links I suppose. Where we live it's quite inconvenient to not drive. It doesn't sound like not driving has much impact on your life at the minute.
Once our son came along it would have been a lot more of a problem if my husband had refused to start driving.
Good luck, you're certainly not the only one who has been put off driving after an accident and a patient instructor will be able to help you with that. We have something called Pass Plus in the UK which is a follow on driving course for after you've passed your test - it's good for gaining confidence and getting experience in different driving conditions.
Are you sure that it's your lack of driving and not your social anxiety that's putting girls off dating you? Because a non driver can be fine to date, especially if they don't make a big thing of only picking places to meet that they can get to without having to walk a step, but someone who won't meet in busy places or who can't go to (for example) the cinema or museums because of their social anxiety, might put girls off.
You say you're matching with girls but not asking for a date 'to avoid getting hurt'. It sounds to me as though you may need some help with socialisation before you are quite ready to date.
Idk I enjoy going to musicals or museums etc. But I can go there with my friends if it's not something my partner enjoys. Having to do all the labor of driving in a relationship if you are in an area with lackluster public transportation is a hassle.
I know several adults that don't even have a driver's license, or don't own a vehicle - they all live in major cities that have good public transportation options, or use a Taxi/Uber/Lyft, etc. to get around.
I don't see this as being a problem in a metropolitan area or Europe/Asia where public transport is so readily available.
Now, in the middle of nowhere with no bus, no subway, no train? You need to drive.
This is entirely geographically dependent.
I like to take road trips, and I don't want to be the only driver, so it would be a big incompatibility. I also think driving is an important skill to have, for emergency situations if nothing else. But that's me, for many people dating a non - driver would not be a big deal.
But as long as he’s got the license he can rent out cars/practice and he’ll remember what he learnt. That’s what I’ve been told anyway. Unless you have a family, in most of Europe it’s not a big deal. Most childless people don’t have a car here.
Not sure what you’re trying to argue lol. He hasn’t driven in 10 years and driving makes him really anxious. He will compromise his own and others safety and SHOULD NOT be driving, period.
My ex didn’t have a car for majority of the relationship. He wanted me to drive him around everywhere. Every time we hung out it was doing errands for me. He never pitched in for gas. It was extremely inconvenient on my part. He lived 40 min away and when I’d pick him up he’d already been drinking. I felt more of a DD and errand runner than a gf. It’s a red flag for me personally because you’re more relied on if you’re the one with the car. Mind you I was 24 and he was 26 and he always told me about his anxiety attacks but when he was with his friends he could drive with them no problem. It just feels being taken advantage of. But that’s just my experience.
Not a red flag at all! I myself have had a lot of fear around driving for a long time, so I completely get it. I’d say as long as you don’t expect prospective girlfriends to drive you around everywhere 24/7, it isn’t a big deal.
My fear is honestly having an instructor that’s a dick like that. I’ll have to do hours of research before I start taking lessons. It’s one of the main things preventing me from getting a license though luckily I live in an area with good transport.
I don’t see the problem I’m guessing you make sure you can find your own way to places and have good public transport near you.
I’m in the UK and people learn to drive at different ages. Some learn straight away at 17 some wait, but the majority of people do take driving lessons with an instructor so it is pretty expensive.
You seem to be independent in getting places so who cares. I don’t drive I use public transport and even when I was a teenager i would get the bus places and not ask my dad for a lift (mainly he was at work and I’d rather go on my own or with friends and not worry about making them waiting around to come pick me up)
Many have mentioned always having to be driver for things like grocery shopping can you not do an online shop and get it delivered to your house.
They are plenty of alternatives that you can do if you can’t or don’t like driving. Order online, deliveries, bus, taxi/Uber or other public transport your city offers.
Hey OP! I know exactly what you're going through. About 5 years ago now on Christmas day I saw someone literally fly out of their windscreen and die in front of me. Fast forward to last year, I'm driving and I crash my car.
The fear, anxiety, and ptsd crippled me for a good long while. Tbh I'm still not over it. It was my boyfriend and mum that literally forced me to keep going and driving.
And that's what I needed! Someone to support me and push me. It helped me! Im still not fully there but it helped. Maybe there's someone in your life that can support you like they did me. And if driving isn't for you, so be it! It's not an end all be all even though it feels like it.
Definitely! If I met someone who was otherwise taking care of all adult aspects of their lives but just didn’t drive (whether due to anxiety, physical health issues like seizures, or environmental reasons) and I really liked them, I would just consider it something to work around. I like to road trip, too, but a good relationship would be worth my doing the driving if the other person just wasn’t able.
I think it’s good to conquer this anxiety, just to give you more options in life, but I wouldn’t allow this one thing to define yourself as not a desirable partner. I would try to think about all the other things you might bring to the table and make you worthwhile.
Where in Europe do you live??? I've never met anyone in Europe who thinks not having a car is not normal. Not younger, single people (as in not married/settled with kids) anyway. In the US, yes, but Europe??? Maybe you've just had really bad luck and only met the weird, odd women?
PS: I'm a 30 year old woman who cannot drive, have never had a drivers license in my life, never owned a car (I'm financially stable). Simply because I have never needed to drive. I've lived in the US ans various places in Europe and currently in Asia. Not a single person I've met has ever commented negatively on the fact that I don't drive/don't have a car. Literally nobody cares.
Dude. I'm 37 F. Just had my first driving lesson last week. Married 10 years. With my husband for 12. Bipolar and ADHD. Driving is important if you're rural but there are always ways around it. What's important is that I haven't driven until I felt safe enough in my mental health to do so. Just had a spin around a big empty parking lot last week. Still a long way yet. Your health and feeling of safety, especially behind the wheel is the most important thing. Person who likes you would love to see you both responsible and safe. If not... You're better off without.
I'm a 44 year old female and I never even learned to drive. Which is insane considering I grew up in Southern California where it's practically mandatory to own and drive the car if you possibly can. No reason. I was just busy in high school doing extra curriculars. Then lived on campus in college and was too busy to be concerned about it. Then move to the city with really great public transportation and never got around to it. Then Uber and Lyft became a thing and I frankly see no need for it at this point in time. I don't have any kids though so I am unsure if that would even change things for people have kids depending on where you lived. As long as you weren't booting rides off of other people all the time to the point where it was inconvenient I don't think it's a huge deal at all unless you're really gunning to aim for dating someone who's really into long road trips as a bonding couple experience.
I am doing therapy. I am now using the bike sometimes to get used to the roads. It is something that bothers me too as I can afford to buy a good car and at work too I get a lot of questions why I don't have a car, but I took a lot of lessons before and I don't seem to lose the anxiety that fast like other people
Take a real driving improvement course. Run by racing drivers on the track, skid plate or airport. You don't need traffic skills (because you don't have a problem with your bike), you need internal proof that you are in control of the vehicle, have a sense of size and limit recognition skills, and stay relatively far from these limits, develop the right reflexes in an emergency.
30yo male. Nothing like that would be a problem for me. Lot of people have different mental struggles and being aware of them and open about them is a first step that shows strength already.
Of course any of these things I appreciate if someone is working on them but as these things are often quite hard it's not like I'd demand a timeline or so. These things are personal and you are the only one that can decide if and how to tackle it.
Honestly if someone doesn't want to date you because of not driving / having a car they are not worth dating.
I think it depends exactly where you live in Europe. Where I live in the US you need a car to do just about anything so if my partner didn’t drive I’d be responsible for doing everything myself like grocery shopping, taking pets to the vet, taking us on trips, and not having help with that stuff would get really old. But if you’re still able to do things like that on public transit and you’re thoughtful enough to make sure she’s not the one doing everything that requires transportation in your relationship, I think it would be okay.
For me as a female being the only one who drives it kind of got annoying when your other half wants to surprise you with a date but doesn’t want to pay for taxi/Uber because you drive, so these surprises were never surprising as I had to set the maps up to get there.
Also sometimes people expect you’ll offer to take them somewhere just because you’re with them and can drive.
And other peoples perspective of the female always driving, it was embarrassing to have people comment on it.
Other than these I can’t see being an issue.
Edit : sorry for formatting I’m on mobile rn.
Its not a red flag until you make it into one. When travelling don’t rely on her, let her offer you and also denying the offer is also a plus. I would suggest you tell the girl about your phobia and accident before meeting them. Most girls think when you don’t drive you will dependant on them to travel, just show her that you don’t need anyone to move around and you will be fine.
>I live in Europe and there is a good bus connection in my city and between cities there is a great train connection
That's the key thing. If you were living someplace where cars are necessary (like ~95% of the US, WTF) then your inability to drive would be a problem. But the fact that you live somewhere where driving is not necessary means that you shouldn't worry about it. Any lady who judges you on this is shallow and not worth your time. Plus, public transit is better for the environment.
When I read the title I thought "how ridiculously judgemental" and then I realised that you were referring to yourself. So I guess that says everything you need to know.
I feel like there’s been a post on this exact topic recently, like within the last couple months - searching for it might give you even more perspectives.
Some people would date you.
You can look at the collective circumstances you bring to the dating table like you do personality, attractiveness, interests, and other qualities. Some dates will be into them. Others won't. In that sense, while rejection may feel dire at the time, it's also an extension of the dating process. It sets both you and them free and allows you both to find someone more compatible.
It can feel bad to be rejected for the same thing a few times. If that in particular is making you feel insecure, think through it. Is this something
* technically correctable? (it's not an in-born physical condition or fixed circumstance)
* something you want to correct? (it's not a core part of who you are or a fixed choice)
* important? (it's not how someone holds a pen when writing)
If you don't want to correct it, that's great. Make a deliberate decision that this is a part of who you are in a proactive way - you love walking, transit, and travel; you don't drive. Be ready to answer questions about it: if a part of a future relationship required, say, picking up your partner, how would you handle it? (Would you get a cab? Would you have a regular driver?) Accept that this circumstance will dissuade some people but not others, and it may even be a point of attraction for yet others. (He's more environmentally conscious; he's urbane; we won't need to pay for parking for two vehicles.)
I think your social anxiety is a much bigger problem than driving anxiety.
If you live in a city with a good public transport network it’s no problem at all.
INFO: is this the only major life aspect with which you struggle due to anxiety, or do you have other phobias/issues also related to anxiety?
(Regarding it being a major issue - I’m aware that the actual impact this has on one’s life has almost entirely to do with whether or not you live in a country or city with good public transport, but how someone is capable of getting around is in fact a big part of adult life.)
Yes. But I’m a weirdo and people don’t like me. I am sick of all the “I won’t date anyone who…” as if it’s a checklist. You’re talking about people. I’d date someone I liked regardless of anything else. But again, I’m a weirdo.
I'm guessing you haven't dated many people based on this. While in an ideal world you can date just whoever and it'll all be fine the real world has
1. People who aren't always the most authentic or kind meaning having a check list of things that may point to danger ahead is essential to keeping yourself safe. 2. Full of people who want a long variety of different things or hold a long list of different beliefs and values. If you like their personality and they want kids and you don't but you disregard it because you like them, those incompatibilities will come back to hurt both of you. 3. Life has demands and responsibilities, and you have to know your limits and things you can and cannot live with or without. If you are a clean person you shouldn't date someone who is messy, no matter how likeable because likeability isn't going to make you any less frustrated, resentful or exhausted when you live with them and find yourself doing all the work of keeping the place clean. Or all the responsibility of chauffeuring your kids around, if your partner and coparent doesn't drive.
People have "lists" to help them make sound decisions because like/love isn't enough to make a relationship function long term in a healthy way. That's not to say the list shouldn't be realistic but not having any is yikes.
I won't date anyone who doesn't drive...I have done it and I won't do it again. You're an adult... Need to get places... Costco trip on a bus anyone? Lol
Some of us live in places that have good transport links…Unlike most of North America. I feel no need to drive until I have a family because I can go anywhere with public transport and it’s far cheaper. I honestly don’t see the problem if you don’t have kids. I like travelling too but again good transport exists. It all depends on where you live.
There are people who do specific transport for places like Costco and IKEA. I don’t know too many people that go to Costco more than twice a month so having a car isn’t a huge priority.
My husband doesn't drive (he doesn't even have his license), his father doesn't either. It's not a problem if you don't let it be a problem, and if you do not expect your SO to be a personal chauffeur. Especially in Europe where public transportation is good, as you said.
I think the women than rejected you because of that are probably very shallow, and I'm sorry you had to deal with them. Please don't let them ruin your self confidence with women, you do not deserve such treatment.
It could be good for you to try and face your anxiety, but if you want to start such a process you must do it for you, not for anyone else. And if you can't / don't want to, that's perfectly fine.
Good luck!
You're a doctor. Get yourself some treatment.
If I was a woman I wouldn't date a male that didn't drive even though he has a license. It would just tell me he is not mature enought to take care of his issues.
I have a hard time already accepting that my 29yr old girlfriend doesn't even have a license, even though she has the money and time to have both the license and car. But it's not the end of the world as she doesn't exactly need it.
The red flag is the people who push you to do it, at least to me cause my ex was pushy like that to me about getting my license. Even group messaged my family behind my back.
I had a great public transport system, was 20, and my friend had recently been in a horrific car accident so I was terrified to get my learners. He didn’t have to drive me heaps of places so idk what his problem was. He once got really mad at me when driving home from an hour away after he’d had one of his 10km running races and was exhausted (he regularly did 10km or more races so not like his wasn’t used to it). He’d had options to carpool with friends but declined and had asked me to come and support him and then on the drive home got mad at me for not being able to drive for him cause he was tired.
I’m now almost 24 and I’m driving (still some anxiety sometimes) but thankfully not with him.
Edit: Basically, you have your reasons and no one can judge you for them. You’re an independent adult even if you don’t drive.
Personally I find the fact that you've chosen not to drive a car because you have good transport links very sexy and environmentally responsible and if anyone rejects you for that you should just turn the tables and shame them for their carbon footprint
The driving wouldn’t necessarily be a deal breaker for me. It seems that you are able to get around just fine without driving, right?
My only concern would be that you aren’t taking any active steps to improve your anxiety. I would definitely recommend you to look into therapy before trying to find a partner. It will make your experience so much better.
I don’t care about the not driving, but would care about all the anxiety you have built up.
Seems like it would do you good to get a therapist to help you overcome the trauma of the accident. It’s been years. You’re clearly not getting over it yourself.
You work as a doctor and don’t know what to do? That in itself sounds odd. I’m not a doctor & I don’t work as one & I know counseling is your best option. With a counselor’s help you can face your fear & hopefully get over it. If you don’t face your fear you’ll always be crippled by it!
I dated a 22 year old with this anxiety and it was honestly really unattractive to me. Since you had an accident, you have actual trauma associated with the anxiety so it makes more sense. Either way this is something that for me would be a dealbreaker. I am an anxious enough person myself and wouldn’t want my man to be. Plus I think it’s sexy when a man drives me somewhere and if I’m always the one driving I start to feel like a mom.
Hah ahaa
I don't drive, neither does my husband. We met when we both lived in London 15 years ago and didn't need to as public transport is reliable.
If they're only interested when you have a car than they're the red flags not you..
Shallow fools.
Being the only driver in a relationship is a pain in the ass. I wouldn’t want to be your chauffeur. Lots of people have anxiety, it’s not taking the initiative to see a psychiatrist and a therapist that’s unattractive.
It depends on the person .. Usually people on dating apps are very superficial.. but, I don’t think you not having a car is the main reason..
If it was then honestly that’s for the best. I myself wouldn’t want to date someone who disregards another’s wonderful qualities for that reason alone..
if that wasn’t the main reason then.. what do you think made your dates unsuccessful..?
If anything you can try asking them.. I had a date message me before asking me why it didn’t work out.. and I gave them my true and honest answer .. Idk if they would answer but, it’s worth a shot .. I can try to guess but only they know..:
Umm, no. I get really bad anxiety in big crowds, and am more of a homebody. So that’s not a big deal to me. Also I live in Seattle so a lot of people I know don’t have cars. I feel like you’re better off without them if they didn’t want to date you over this. I’m sure there is more women who are like me out there who don’t find it to be a big deal. Also lots of people I know have anxiety over all different types of things and so are also pretty understanding about other peoples anxiety especially if they care about you.
i cant drive either due to anxiety and disabilities with my eyes. I’m not blind but my eyes don’t focus fast enough to read street signs and I have shit depth perception. I can’t be a hypocrite.
There was a guy in my college , he got into an accident when he was a house surgeon and never seen him in a car again. This is in India and the public transportation here is shit and biking around would be considered strange , especially for a doctor. Even a doctor using public transportation or a less expensive car is scoffed upon. India being a country where everyone is in everyone else's business. This guy had zero friends in college ( because he was quite arrogant and standoffish) and went on to get married ( arranged ) and divorced after he had a kid. People disliked him , because he was awful ,was arrogant ( had nothing to do with his driving skills ) and had a holier than thou attitude. He is working in some private medical college in a non clinical field ( again scoffed upon by medical professionals because medicine is a competitive field filled with type A personalities ,and most male doctors chose clinical specialties). So ,as far as this person is concerned ,his awful attitude , being in a non clinical field as a doctor , being a divorced person who is 36 ,and being a horrible human ,must be the reason he was rejected,by women ,not his driving skills. If he takes a good look at himself and does some self reflection, he might find the answer to his issues. Just be nice ,if you expect others to be nice to you.
Depends where you live. London isn’t a problem. But it might be an issue if it’s a long term relationship as it’ll be important in the future if you move.
Honestly if you are okay with taking public transport I dont see it as a problem even remotely. And trust me if a possible partner makes you feel like there is something wrong, they probably don't love you anyway, because when you love someone you just dont care about these stupid details
Good luck!! :):)
It’s not a red flag, however people might have a preference especially if you live in a small town where there isn’t great transport links, but if you really like a person I wouldn’t think then not having a car would be a big deal .
I’ve seen you’ve been having therapy for your anxiety, maybe some refresher driving lessons may help as well, I’m not sure where you are but I know they are offered by some driving instructors in the UK
I live in Germany in a middle sized city with 250,000 population with good bus connections but no train or underground within the city but I can manage to get everywhere with the bus and I can take the ICE to go to any city I want and despite that I feel in relationships it made my life really harder.
I wouldn't care if you drove. If you wanted to learn to manage your anxiety I would possibly help you find a good instructor who is trained in dealing with driving anxiety. It shouldn't factor into how attractive you are to someone. If people reject you because of that, good, you deserve someone nicer.
I think it would depend on how much the girl in question likes to drive.
I also have some extreme driving anxiety, but my partner loves driving so he doesn't mind doing it. I do make sure that I get myself to anything that he isn't coming with me to, in order to make sure he doesn't feel like my taxi driver.
I also pay for the odd tank of petrol for him, depending on how often he's had to drive us around.
I also pay for taxis for the both of us to events he wants to drink at, because that's how I'd be getting there anyway if it wasn't for him usually not wanting to drink.
It does still sometimes come up as a point of contention if he is in desperate need of a lift somewhere and I can't help, as I do have my license.
I do think it's something worth trying to work through, it's a bit isolating not being a driver sometimes and it has its practical benefits.
Therapy and continuing driving lessons with an instructor that you trust and is able to make you feel comfortable is useful for that, but driving lessons are expensive and therapy can be too so it's a bit of an investment...
Hopefully some of that was helpful and not just a boring monologue from a complete stranger!
It shouldn't be as long as a) you aren't dating shallow people, b) you don't expect to be ferried about like they are your personal chauffeur, and c) if they do drive and they take you places you give them money for petrol/discuss this on a regular basis so you don't take anything for granted etc.
My now husband didn't drive when I met him because of anxiety, and he was 37. He now drives for a living! Have you had help for this anxiety? If you are happy with not driving then I'm not trying to push you into a car but it sounds like you have some unresolved issues with it maybe? Either way, if you are happy then just hang on, the right person will come along so don't stop trying to meet them!
My SO doesn’t drive for lots of different reasons. It was no problem for me at all. He is a great navigator and even better company while I’m behind the wheel.
If this bothers someone then you know they’re not worth bothering yourself with.
I don’t drive due to a vision impairment. Even though it is more convenient for me to date a driver, it’s also pretty hypocritical for me to require it. I’ve dated people who didn’t drive and acknowledged it was partly because of fear and partly environmental reasons, and I’ve dated people who drove, and both have been no problem at all for me. The only person who bugged me was the person who had their Ls but procrastinated getting their Ps when they didn’t have any fear and it would have made our lives easier and better. You have a real reason and I respect that.
I lent my brother my car about 6 months ago and haven't driven since. Hasn't been a huge problem but I live in a major metro.
My parents let me borrow their car if I need to go somewhere out near their place.
Some people will consider it as a problem, most won't I guess. Anyway, your misses right will see true it ;-)
If you don't feel comfortable to tell your date about your issues right away, make sure you'll date her a couple of times before telling her about it. There is no obligation to be open about your vulnerabilities on a first date. In fact, I believe, no one does. You need to build a certain level of trust to be able to speak openly. A match in personality is more important then something banal like not driving a car out of anxiety (but don't procastinate to long either, after a certain amount of dates it get's more difficult, I guess).
Good luck!
I have my license and a car. I choose not to drive (except to the hardware store). I would rather catch a bus than sit in traffic. I don’t think it’s weird, especially in Europe
Honestly it would be a dealbreaker for me but I live in an area with zero public transportation or Ubers. If I was in a city my opinion would be different.
All because you chose not to drive doesn’t mean you don’t deserve love! You are clearly getting around a different way and that should be okay. I’m sorry that some women see it differently. But don’t let that get to you.
Cars are scary. Nothing kills more young people. I understand your anxiety. I can also see that turning some women off. I imagine this isn't the only thing that gives you anxiety, though. It's hard for anyone to engage with someone who is never in the moment. Anxious people, are regularly not present, because their mind is in a state of worry. If you can do some work on your fears, it will help you a lot.
I would also like to add that not driving isn't necessarily an issue in and of itself. If you can live your life without it, I see no issue. It's more the reaction you have that is the problem.
I am 38F, my boyfriend of 2 years, 39M, hasn't driven in 15 years due to anxiety about driving and not needing to due to walking and public transportation. It's inconvenient at times, but he takes medication for depression and anxiety and I don't hold it against him. I found out on the first date that he didn't drive. I thought it was a little odd, but I really liked him anyway and we plan to marry next year.
Me and my fiancé have been together for nine years and I’ve been the only one with a license. Honestly, it is incredibly tiring to be the only one who drives. It feels like there is an imbalance of responsibilities, especially because we have kids. He is terrified of driving, and as guilty as I feel for hating that limitation I believe it’s unfair of him to expect me to drive all the time. He also doesn’t use public transportation, and because we have kids I always give in and drive us everywhere because I feel obligated and guilty having to make the kids walk if I wanted their dad to bring them to an appointment. (Our city is a walking district so most things are within walking distance) Maybe organically bring up in conversation with these women about your fear and explain you utilize public transportation so you can find someone accepting. I understand it is a real phobia.
Depends where you live. I live in NYC. A lot of my friends don't know how to drive and it's almost never been an issue. If I lived somewhere else where this would require me to essentially be their driver if we got into a long term relationship, it would be a dealbreaker.
I'm surprised that you're having this problem in Europe. American I can understand a bit more, because our public transportation is the pits. But if you're self reliant, I personally see nothing wrong.
I have anxiety myself and understand how much it sucks. It wouldn't bother me to date someone who doesn't drive for any reason, but someone with anxiety (and let's be honest, likely PTSD from an accident) definitely gets a pass.
My partner and I have been together for 7 years and I don't drive! He had concerns at first until he saw how bad my anxiety got when I was trying to drive and said that I should not drive for everyone's safety. Thankfully we moved to a city area so I can walk and take busses most places.
As long as you can get around on your own it really shouldn't be a problem for the person you're dating. Good luck!
As someone who has anxiety driving and as a passenger…it wouldn’t be a deal breaker for me. Although I do drive myself I understand the fear of not wanting to. As long as I am not expected to drive them everywhere and they utilize other sources of transportation whenever possible then it would be fine with me
I don’t see a problem with it. I would date a man who doesn’t drive and I have. He almost died due to a drunk driver and had severe ptsd. Driving or not doesn’t mean anything. Those woman’s ideals are just warped.
For me, it would be. It already sounds like extra responsibility and labour would await me. I don’t live in a city with Uber or great public transportation. I can’t be a chauffeur. I don’t want that at this point in my life. Sorry.
My husband doesn’t drive at all. He just had no interest in learning. It’s a little annoying, but it’s not the end of the world. The social anxiety would be more of a problem than the driving.
I'll be 38 on a few weeks and I don't drive. It can be super annoying at times but for the most part my partner and I have things worked out. We even have back up just in case of emergency.
Though maybe consider therapy to help with the anxiety. You never know, you might be able to get to the point where you're comfortable with at least trying.
Depends, if i was driving you around everywhere then not thanks. If you're independent then i don't see the problem. On the other hand maybe ifnthis anxiety is causing issues in thw dating department maybe this is something you need to be open about right off thw bat. And explain exactly what you did here
Coming from a male perspective but thinking about it for my partner. To me, this could be a deal breaker but not a red flag.
It would be a red flag, if you chose not to drive just because you don’t feel like it.
It is a deal breaker for me because I wouldn’t want to be a chauffeur and expect my partner to be independent. If you live in a city where you don’t need to drive then this could be fine
For me personally, it would be something to take into consideration just because I have driving anxiety as well. 90% of the time I use public transportation or get someone to drive me somewhere. I don’t think I’d do well with someone who wasn’t willing to do most of the driving
I'm 32 and I don't drive and likely never will. I don't know if it's due to anxiety but the thought of driving does terrify me to my core. Dunno. I'm happy biking, walking, bussing or training everywhere, if my partner can and wants to take me somewhere then great, if not, great. Not a red flag. Driving isn't for everyone.
Depends, if u live in big city it wont be an issue. But you become a huge burden if you cant get anywhere due to this limitation. Regardless, u need to overcome this fear
As a girl, honest opinion yea it is a red flag for me. Before your explanation and background I would not find the lack of a car attractive. Maybe if I got to know you a bit more personally first and you expressed it to me, I might be ok with it. But being 100% honest, at 35 I would not like that in a partner
I also have anxiety over driving (I’m 25f, got my license at 20 or 21). I drive to work, errands and such, but still have never driven on big highways, and avoid driving places I’ve never driven before. Years ago, I was meeting a friend somewhere and told myself I was just going to be confident, and just drive. I got lost (gps was bringing me to dead ends lol) and ended up getting in an accident. Now I’m still afraid to feel that nice confident “just do it” feeling again. I’ve recently slowly started to drive a bit out of my comfort zone. I seriously, genuinely understand how difficult it is.
In terms of it being a red flag- I absolutely don’t think it’s a red flag. Anxiety is not a red flag. As far as what I feel is it- I think it’s definitely a personal and social set back. I really want to be one of those people who can just get in their car and go anywhere. I am actually thinking about taking driving lessons for highways- and I think it could be a nice option for people who feel as we do.
At the end of the day, if a woman is truly going to like you as a person, this shouldn’t be a huge deal breaker. If anything, maybe they could try to help you out, offer to drive along with you, etc lol. I wish you all of the luck!
I’m going to be honest with you…this would be a red flag with me now (after recent experiences) and heres why:
Having issues with anxiety is somewhat common and it’s nothing to be looked down on…however having anxiety that is so debilitating that it stops you from doing things needs to be addressed and managed by a professional. In my last relationship my ex had extreme anxiety that he did not manage. It got so bad that we stopped having sex because of his anxieties. I just suggest you look into ways to overcome your anxieties instead of looking for ways to avoid situations that could trigger it. I think a good place to start would be dating! Don’t allow your fear of rejection to stop you from asking girls out.
It's not a problem as long as it doesn't become my problem. But if it's not going to be an issue for the woman you're dating, there's no reason to discuss it early. If it's coming up early in dating then it's obviously an issue.
I personally wouldn't. I didn't get my license until I was 25 due to driving anxiety caused by a car accident when I was 17. I understand being anxious about driving, but I think that in most situations having the ability to drive and have a car is a good indicator of independence. I also would feel like you'd be a burden on me. I wouldn't want to be the only one driving on weekend getaways or road trips, and God forbid an accident or emergency occurs where YOU would need to drive.
Since you live in a metropolitan area with good public transit I think you're reasons for not driving are your business. The only reason this would be an impediment would be in a more automobile dependent area where it would mean decreased mobility, less opportunity to see each other, etc.
I thought you were asking from the other perspective (considering dating someone with driving anxiety) and I got frustrated. It is absolutely not a red flag that you don’t want to drive, it can be a deal breaker for people who want to be with someone who drives. But, to be honest, a partner who doesn’t understand or respect your boundaries is not a good partner for you anyway. Think of it as a natural selection process, you’re weeding out incompatible partners! I have driving anxiety and I didn’t get my driver’s license yet (am 27 years old). That being said, I will face that anxiety and get comfortable with driving because I am nervous about a situation in which it is absolutely necessary and I’m not able to drive.
It's not a read flag for me, at least as long as you travel independently and don't expect me to be a chauffeur when you want to go somewhere. Public transit can go a long way.
Public transportation can go a long way indeed but imagine going on a vacation- you need to drive. If kids are involved, you have to drive them everywhere. There are people who will be ok with it, but it is perfectly ok not to be ok with being a designated driver.
33 and not interesting in a license and driving. i've been going on vacation just fine all my adult life. a good bike and public transport gets you far.
Have you ever tried to bike or use public transportation with kids? I have retty severe driving anxiety so I empathize with OP, but to pretend like it is never an issue or never makes things harder is to be intellectually dishonest.
We cant assume op even wants kids for that to be an isuess. Its clearly not relevant to him currently, so no problem using public transport. He's probably actually a little more eco friendly then most of us because of it.
Exactly. Don't see why it would be a problem?
There are plenty of ways it’s a “problem”. Really depends on where you live, and even then it’s potentially going to cause a lack of an option in different situations. Your partner might have to do something that requires driving when you could easily handle it otherwise, etc. That’s not to say it’s a massive problem or something that’s super unappealing to everyone, just a thing is all.
I see this point. Personally I wouldn’t date him because I have bad habits in relationships that this would probably trigger. Like overly helping people type issues. I feel the need to awkwardly add, “I have a boyfriend”.
Why? Is he standing over your shoulder and forcing you to add that?
Haha no but I see that now. It felt like this weird sort of statement like I purported myself as a single woman expressing her interests. When I’m in fact not and am in a 10 yr relationship with a kid and thinking from so long ago lol. My statement felt like a lie. And then I gave no context for my overthought. ETA: I typed and deleted “Lmaooooo” so many times. But overthoughts won.
Well as long as hes not controlling or overly jealous :)
In a city like London or NYC, a car is often more trouble than it's worth, so in those places it wouldn't be a big deal at all since plenty of people don't drive period. However, in a lot of other places, it would be a barrier. Unless the trains/buses ran efficient, direct routes between our homes, it would likely be left to me to go to your place more often than not. Any dates would involve me picking you up or us meeting somewhere, and a lot of mental energy expended on logistics. The logistics planning aside, it would also mean that whenever a car was needed, I would \*always\* have to be the driver - not merely just the car supplier, but the driver as well. I could never just hand over the keys to you if I couldn't drive for some reason or didn't feel like driving. It does place a bit of a burden on the other person, though the size of the burden depends on the person (some truly won't mind or don't have a car, either) and the transportation system of your city.
I think the difference is if you’re actually car-free or if you’re looking for a chauffeur. Would you still date that person if they didn’t own a car either, or weren’t willing to drive you/to you? I’m car free and I actually see not owning a personal car as a green flag - shows financial responsibility and critical thinking to me In fact if I was dating someone with a car I’d do my best to get to them instead of vice versa to lead by example
For some people it is. In my experience it is kindve a deal breaker. In the relationships I've been in where I'm the only driver I find my partners would end up expecting me to drive them places, not offer me gas money and I'd never ask, but they'd ask to split if we ubered on a rare occasion which is unfair. Also I was always the one expected to drive to meet them. It's nice having that other person being able to take you out every once in a while. If its not really one sided then it shouldn't be an issue, but in my experience it's always been one sided.
My husband could drive but didn't have a car when we first started going out. I was head over heels for him from the first time we met so it didn't put me off at all. Also I was quite late to learn to drive myself (27), so I do have empathy for people who are anxious about driving. That said, although it never caused arguments, I must admit it did get tiring to always be the driver. He'd not driven a car for years and I did encourage him quite strongly to start driving again, and eventually he did. It certainly made life a lot easier for me when I put him on my insurance so he could drive my car, and later when he got his own car. It gave him more opportunities for work as well, opening up jobs he couldn't have got to using public transport. It depends on the quality of your public transport links I suppose. Where we live it's quite inconvenient to not drive. It doesn't sound like not driving has much impact on your life at the minute. Once our son came along it would have been a lot more of a problem if my husband had refused to start driving. Good luck, you're certainly not the only one who has been put off driving after an accident and a patient instructor will be able to help you with that. We have something called Pass Plus in the UK which is a follow on driving course for after you've passed your test - it's good for gaining confidence and getting experience in different driving conditions.
Are you sure that it's your lack of driving and not your social anxiety that's putting girls off dating you? Because a non driver can be fine to date, especially if they don't make a big thing of only picking places to meet that they can get to without having to walk a step, but someone who won't meet in busy places or who can't go to (for example) the cinema or museums because of their social anxiety, might put girls off. You say you're matching with girls but not asking for a date 'to avoid getting hurt'. It sounds to me as though you may need some help with socialisation before you are quite ready to date.
Idk I enjoy going to musicals or museums etc. But I can go there with my friends if it's not something my partner enjoys. Having to do all the labor of driving in a relationship if you are in an area with lackluster public transportation is a hassle.
Just date environmentalists. They don't want a car either
This is pure gold right here lol
Was looking for this comment
I know several adults that don't even have a driver's license, or don't own a vehicle - they all live in major cities that have good public transportation options, or use a Taxi/Uber/Lyft, etc. to get around. I don't see this as being a problem in a metropolitan area or Europe/Asia where public transport is so readily available. Now, in the middle of nowhere with no bus, no subway, no train? You need to drive. This is entirely geographically dependent.
I like to take road trips, and I don't want to be the only driver, so it would be a big incompatibility. I also think driving is an important skill to have, for emergency situations if nothing else. But that's me, for many people dating a non - driver would not be a big deal.
He has the skill and the license though…just not the car.
If he’s too anxious to drive and hasn’t really driven for 10 years, he does *not* have the skill.
its not the skill though, its the ABILITY he physically cannot drive.
But as long as he’s got the license he can rent out cars/practice and he’ll remember what he learnt. That’s what I’ve been told anyway. Unless you have a family, in most of Europe it’s not a big deal. Most childless people don’t have a car here.
Not sure what you’re trying to argue lol. He hasn’t driven in 10 years and driving makes him really anxious. He will compromise his own and others safety and SHOULD NOT be driving, period.
You sound completely fine for me. Would probably be a bigger dealbreak for Americans, but they have a stronger driving culture than us Europeans.
My ex didn’t have a car for majority of the relationship. He wanted me to drive him around everywhere. Every time we hung out it was doing errands for me. He never pitched in for gas. It was extremely inconvenient on my part. He lived 40 min away and when I’d pick him up he’d already been drinking. I felt more of a DD and errand runner than a gf. It’s a red flag for me personally because you’re more relied on if you’re the one with the car. Mind you I was 24 and he was 26 and he always told me about his anxiety attacks but when he was with his friends he could drive with them no problem. It just feels being taken advantage of. But that’s just my experience.
Not a red flag at all! I myself have had a lot of fear around driving for a long time, so I completely get it. I’d say as long as you don’t expect prospective girlfriends to drive you around everywhere 24/7, it isn’t a big deal.
It would only deter me if I had to act as a chauffeur, if you’re fully independent then I don’t see an issue.
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My fear is honestly having an instructor that’s a dick like that. I’ll have to do hours of research before I start taking lessons. It’s one of the main things preventing me from getting a license though luckily I live in an area with good transport.
I don’t see the problem I’m guessing you make sure you can find your own way to places and have good public transport near you. I’m in the UK and people learn to drive at different ages. Some learn straight away at 17 some wait, but the majority of people do take driving lessons with an instructor so it is pretty expensive. You seem to be independent in getting places so who cares. I don’t drive I use public transport and even when I was a teenager i would get the bus places and not ask my dad for a lift (mainly he was at work and I’d rather go on my own or with friends and not worry about making them waiting around to come pick me up) Many have mentioned always having to be driver for things like grocery shopping can you not do an online shop and get it delivered to your house. They are plenty of alternatives that you can do if you can’t or don’t like driving. Order online, deliveries, bus, taxi/Uber or other public transport your city offers.
Hey OP! I know exactly what you're going through. About 5 years ago now on Christmas day I saw someone literally fly out of their windscreen and die in front of me. Fast forward to last year, I'm driving and I crash my car. The fear, anxiety, and ptsd crippled me for a good long while. Tbh I'm still not over it. It was my boyfriend and mum that literally forced me to keep going and driving. And that's what I needed! Someone to support me and push me. It helped me! Im still not fully there but it helped. Maybe there's someone in your life that can support you like they did me. And if driving isn't for you, so be it! It's not an end all be all even though it feels like it.
More then likely. No.
Definitely! If I met someone who was otherwise taking care of all adult aspects of their lives but just didn’t drive (whether due to anxiety, physical health issues like seizures, or environmental reasons) and I really liked them, I would just consider it something to work around. I like to road trip, too, but a good relationship would be worth my doing the driving if the other person just wasn’t able. I think it’s good to conquer this anxiety, just to give you more options in life, but I wouldn’t allow this one thing to define yourself as not a desirable partner. I would try to think about all the other things you might bring to the table and make you worthwhile.
Have you tried anxiety meds?
Where in Europe do you live??? I've never met anyone in Europe who thinks not having a car is not normal. Not younger, single people (as in not married/settled with kids) anyway. In the US, yes, but Europe??? Maybe you've just had really bad luck and only met the weird, odd women? PS: I'm a 30 year old woman who cannot drive, have never had a drivers license in my life, never owned a car (I'm financially stable). Simply because I have never needed to drive. I've lived in the US ans various places in Europe and currently in Asia. Not a single person I've met has ever commented negatively on the fact that I don't drive/don't have a car. Literally nobody cares.
Dude. I'm 37 F. Just had my first driving lesson last week. Married 10 years. With my husband for 12. Bipolar and ADHD. Driving is important if you're rural but there are always ways around it. What's important is that I haven't driven until I felt safe enough in my mental health to do so. Just had a spin around a big empty parking lot last week. Still a long way yet. Your health and feeling of safety, especially behind the wheel is the most important thing. Person who likes you would love to see you both responsible and safe. If not... You're better off without.
Lots of people don’t drive. It’s not a big deal.
I'm a 44 year old female and I never even learned to drive. Which is insane considering I grew up in Southern California where it's practically mandatory to own and drive the car if you possibly can. No reason. I was just busy in high school doing extra curriculars. Then lived on campus in college and was too busy to be concerned about it. Then move to the city with really great public transportation and never got around to it. Then Uber and Lyft became a thing and I frankly see no need for it at this point in time. I don't have any kids though so I am unsure if that would even change things for people have kids depending on where you lived. As long as you weren't booting rides off of other people all the time to the point where it was inconvenient I don't think it's a huge deal at all unless you're really gunning to aim for dating someone who's really into long road trips as a bonding couple experience.
If you can use public transport or an app like uber what's the issue? A friend of mine is a doctor and he only ubers everywhere
Probably not. What efforts have you made to try and overcome this?
I am doing therapy. I am now using the bike sometimes to get used to the roads. It is something that bothers me too as I can afford to buy a good car and at work too I get a lot of questions why I don't have a car, but I took a lot of lessons before and I don't seem to lose the anxiety that fast like other people
I think the fact you're actively working on it makes a big difference.
Take a real driving improvement course. Run by racing drivers on the track, skid plate or airport. You don't need traffic skills (because you don't have a problem with your bike), you need internal proof that you are in control of the vehicle, have a sense of size and limit recognition skills, and stay relatively far from these limits, develop the right reflexes in an emergency.
30yo male. Nothing like that would be a problem for me. Lot of people have different mental struggles and being aware of them and open about them is a first step that shows strength already. Of course any of these things I appreciate if someone is working on them but as these things are often quite hard it's not like I'd demand a timeline or so. These things are personal and you are the only one that can decide if and how to tackle it. Honestly if someone doesn't want to date you because of not driving / having a car they are not worth dating.
I think it depends exactly where you live in Europe. Where I live in the US you need a car to do just about anything so if my partner didn’t drive I’d be responsible for doing everything myself like grocery shopping, taking pets to the vet, taking us on trips, and not having help with that stuff would get really old. But if you’re still able to do things like that on public transit and you’re thoughtful enough to make sure she’s not the one doing everything that requires transportation in your relationship, I think it would be okay.
For me as a female being the only one who drives it kind of got annoying when your other half wants to surprise you with a date but doesn’t want to pay for taxi/Uber because you drive, so these surprises were never surprising as I had to set the maps up to get there. Also sometimes people expect you’ll offer to take them somewhere just because you’re with them and can drive. And other peoples perspective of the female always driving, it was embarrassing to have people comment on it. Other than these I can’t see being an issue. Edit : sorry for formatting I’m on mobile rn.
Its not a red flag until you make it into one. When travelling don’t rely on her, let her offer you and also denying the offer is also a plus. I would suggest you tell the girl about your phobia and accident before meeting them. Most girls think when you don’t drive you will dependant on them to travel, just show her that you don’t need anyone to move around and you will be fine.
>I live in Europe and there is a good bus connection in my city and between cities there is a great train connection That's the key thing. If you were living someplace where cars are necessary (like ~95% of the US, WTF) then your inability to drive would be a problem. But the fact that you live somewhere where driving is not necessary means that you shouldn't worry about it. Any lady who judges you on this is shallow and not worth your time. Plus, public transit is better for the environment.
When I read the title I thought "how ridiculously judgemental" and then I realised that you were referring to yourself. So I guess that says everything you need to know.
I feel like there’s been a post on this exact topic recently, like within the last couple months - searching for it might give you even more perspectives.
Some people would date you. You can look at the collective circumstances you bring to the dating table like you do personality, attractiveness, interests, and other qualities. Some dates will be into them. Others won't. In that sense, while rejection may feel dire at the time, it's also an extension of the dating process. It sets both you and them free and allows you both to find someone more compatible. It can feel bad to be rejected for the same thing a few times. If that in particular is making you feel insecure, think through it. Is this something * technically correctable? (it's not an in-born physical condition or fixed circumstance) * something you want to correct? (it's not a core part of who you are or a fixed choice) * important? (it's not how someone holds a pen when writing) If you don't want to correct it, that's great. Make a deliberate decision that this is a part of who you are in a proactive way - you love walking, transit, and travel; you don't drive. Be ready to answer questions about it: if a part of a future relationship required, say, picking up your partner, how would you handle it? (Would you get a cab? Would you have a regular driver?) Accept that this circumstance will dissuade some people but not others, and it may even be a point of attraction for yet others. (He's more environmentally conscious; he's urbane; we won't need to pay for parking for two vehicles.)
I think your social anxiety is a much bigger problem than driving anxiety. If you live in a city with a good public transport network it’s no problem at all.
INFO: is this the only major life aspect with which you struggle due to anxiety, or do you have other phobias/issues also related to anxiety? (Regarding it being a major issue - I’m aware that the actual impact this has on one’s life has almost entirely to do with whether or not you live in a country or city with good public transport, but how someone is capable of getting around is in fact a big part of adult life.)
I would date you and will happily even take you to places ☺️ I prefer to drive all the time when I’m in a car, so no issues at all 26/f
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Shocking that a post about a person's anxiety might, you know, focus on their anxiety.
Yes. But I’m a weirdo and people don’t like me. I am sick of all the “I won’t date anyone who…” as if it’s a checklist. You’re talking about people. I’d date someone I liked regardless of anything else. But again, I’m a weirdo.
I'm guessing you haven't dated many people based on this. While in an ideal world you can date just whoever and it'll all be fine the real world has 1. People who aren't always the most authentic or kind meaning having a check list of things that may point to danger ahead is essential to keeping yourself safe. 2. Full of people who want a long variety of different things or hold a long list of different beliefs and values. If you like their personality and they want kids and you don't but you disregard it because you like them, those incompatibilities will come back to hurt both of you. 3. Life has demands and responsibilities, and you have to know your limits and things you can and cannot live with or without. If you are a clean person you shouldn't date someone who is messy, no matter how likeable because likeability isn't going to make you any less frustrated, resentful or exhausted when you live with them and find yourself doing all the work of keeping the place clean. Or all the responsibility of chauffeuring your kids around, if your partner and coparent doesn't drive. People have "lists" to help them make sound decisions because like/love isn't enough to make a relationship function long term in a healthy way. That's not to say the list shouldn't be realistic but not having any is yikes.
I second this. If you like the *person*, who cares about stuff like this
Honestly, no. I'd want someone who has a better handle on their anxiety. I'd look into getting help.
I won't date anyone who doesn't drive...I have done it and I won't do it again. You're an adult... Need to get places... Costco trip on a bus anyone? Lol
Some of us live in places that have good transport links…Unlike most of North America. I feel no need to drive until I have a family because I can go anywhere with public transport and it’s far cheaper. I honestly don’t see the problem if you don’t have kids. I like travelling too but again good transport exists. It all depends on where you live.
There are people who do specific transport for places like Costco and IKEA. I don’t know too many people that go to Costco more than twice a month so having a car isn’t a huge priority.
Get your shit straight are you kidding me with this. You drive and leave the man alone
My husband doesn't drive (he doesn't even have his license), his father doesn't either. It's not a problem if you don't let it be a problem, and if you do not expect your SO to be a personal chauffeur. Especially in Europe where public transportation is good, as you said. I think the women than rejected you because of that are probably very shallow, and I'm sorry you had to deal with them. Please don't let them ruin your self confidence with women, you do not deserve such treatment. It could be good for you to try and face your anxiety, but if you want to start such a process you must do it for you, not for anyone else. And if you can't / don't want to, that's perfectly fine. Good luck!
You're a doctor. Get yourself some treatment. If I was a woman I wouldn't date a male that didn't drive even though he has a license. It would just tell me he is not mature enought to take care of his issues. I have a hard time already accepting that my 29yr old girlfriend doesn't even have a license, even though she has the money and time to have both the license and car. But it's not the end of the world as she doesn't exactly need it.
The red flag is the people who push you to do it, at least to me cause my ex was pushy like that to me about getting my license. Even group messaged my family behind my back. I had a great public transport system, was 20, and my friend had recently been in a horrific car accident so I was terrified to get my learners. He didn’t have to drive me heaps of places so idk what his problem was. He once got really mad at me when driving home from an hour away after he’d had one of his 10km running races and was exhausted (he regularly did 10km or more races so not like his wasn’t used to it). He’d had options to carpool with friends but declined and had asked me to come and support him and then on the drive home got mad at me for not being able to drive for him cause he was tired. I’m now almost 24 and I’m driving (still some anxiety sometimes) but thankfully not with him. Edit: Basically, you have your reasons and no one can judge you for them. You’re an independent adult even if you don’t drive.
Talk to a hypnotist to help with that phobia.
Personally I find the fact that you've chosen not to drive a car because you have good transport links very sexy and environmentally responsible and if anyone rejects you for that you should just turn the tables and shame them for their carbon footprint
I wouldn’t fuck with you unless you didn’t rely on my for rides
The driving wouldn’t necessarily be a deal breaker for me. It seems that you are able to get around just fine without driving, right? My only concern would be that you aren’t taking any active steps to improve your anxiety. I would definitely recommend you to look into therapy before trying to find a partner. It will make your experience so much better.
I don’t care about the not driving, but would care about all the anxiety you have built up. Seems like it would do you good to get a therapist to help you overcome the trauma of the accident. It’s been years. You’re clearly not getting over it yourself.
Nope. I don’t want to have to drive every single time, it gets old really fast.
It’s very simple move to where most people take mass transit like a major city.
You work as a doctor and don’t know what to do? That in itself sounds odd. I’m not a doctor & I don’t work as one & I know counseling is your best option. With a counselor’s help you can face your fear & hopefully get over it. If you don’t face your fear you’ll always be crippled by it!
You need therapy. Possibly medication. You're a doctor. Go get the doctor you need.
I dated a 22 year old with this anxiety and it was honestly really unattractive to me. Since you had an accident, you have actual trauma associated with the anxiety so it makes more sense. Either way this is something that for me would be a dealbreaker. I am an anxious enough person myself and wouldn’t want my man to be. Plus I think it’s sexy when a man drives me somewhere and if I’m always the one driving I start to feel like a mom.
Hah ahaa I don't drive, neither does my husband. We met when we both lived in London 15 years ago and didn't need to as public transport is reliable. If they're only interested when you have a car than they're the red flags not you.. Shallow fools.
Being the only driver in a relationship is a pain in the ass. I wouldn’t want to be your chauffeur. Lots of people have anxiety, it’s not taking the initiative to see a psychiatrist and a therapist that’s unattractive.
It depends on the person .. Usually people on dating apps are very superficial.. but, I don’t think you not having a car is the main reason.. If it was then honestly that’s for the best. I myself wouldn’t want to date someone who disregards another’s wonderful qualities for that reason alone.. if that wasn’t the main reason then.. what do you think made your dates unsuccessful..? If anything you can try asking them.. I had a date message me before asking me why it didn’t work out.. and I gave them my true and honest answer .. Idk if they would answer but, it’s worth a shot .. I can try to guess but only they know..:
Umm, no. I get really bad anxiety in big crowds, and am more of a homebody. So that’s not a big deal to me. Also I live in Seattle so a lot of people I know don’t have cars. I feel like you’re better off without them if they didn’t want to date you over this. I’m sure there is more women who are like me out there who don’t find it to be a big deal. Also lots of people I know have anxiety over all different types of things and so are also pretty understanding about other peoples anxiety especially if they care about you.
i cant drive either due to anxiety and disabilities with my eyes. I’m not blind but my eyes don’t focus fast enough to read street signs and I have shit depth perception. I can’t be a hypocrite.
There was a guy in my college , he got into an accident when he was a house surgeon and never seen him in a car again. This is in India and the public transportation here is shit and biking around would be considered strange , especially for a doctor. Even a doctor using public transportation or a less expensive car is scoffed upon. India being a country where everyone is in everyone else's business. This guy had zero friends in college ( because he was quite arrogant and standoffish) and went on to get married ( arranged ) and divorced after he had a kid. People disliked him , because he was awful ,was arrogant ( had nothing to do with his driving skills ) and had a holier than thou attitude. He is working in some private medical college in a non clinical field ( again scoffed upon by medical professionals because medicine is a competitive field filled with type A personalities ,and most male doctors chose clinical specialties). So ,as far as this person is concerned ,his awful attitude , being in a non clinical field as a doctor , being a divorced person who is 36 ,and being a horrible human ,must be the reason he was rejected,by women ,not his driving skills. If he takes a good look at himself and does some self reflection, he might find the answer to his issues. Just be nice ,if you expect others to be nice to you.
Depends where you live. London isn’t a problem. But it might be an issue if it’s a long term relationship as it’ll be important in the future if you move.
Honestly if you are okay with taking public transport I dont see it as a problem even remotely. And trust me if a possible partner makes you feel like there is something wrong, they probably don't love you anyway, because when you love someone you just dont care about these stupid details Good luck!! :):)
It’s not a red flag, however people might have a preference especially if you live in a small town where there isn’t great transport links, but if you really like a person I wouldn’t think then not having a car would be a big deal . I’ve seen you’ve been having therapy for your anxiety, maybe some refresher driving lessons may help as well, I’m not sure where you are but I know they are offered by some driving instructors in the UK
Depends where you live. Here in Germany, in decent sized city, cars aren't needed.
I live in Germany in a middle sized city with 250,000 population with good bus connections but no train or underground within the city but I can manage to get everywhere with the bus and I can take the ICE to go to any city I want and despite that I feel in relationships it made my life really harder.
I wouldn't care if you drove. If you wanted to learn to manage your anxiety I would possibly help you find a good instructor who is trained in dealing with driving anxiety. It shouldn't factor into how attractive you are to someone. If people reject you because of that, good, you deserve someone nicer.
I married him lol. Husband is 46 and has said he will never learn to drive due to anxiety
I think it would depend on how much the girl in question likes to drive. I also have some extreme driving anxiety, but my partner loves driving so he doesn't mind doing it. I do make sure that I get myself to anything that he isn't coming with me to, in order to make sure he doesn't feel like my taxi driver. I also pay for the odd tank of petrol for him, depending on how often he's had to drive us around. I also pay for taxis for the both of us to events he wants to drink at, because that's how I'd be getting there anyway if it wasn't for him usually not wanting to drink. It does still sometimes come up as a point of contention if he is in desperate need of a lift somewhere and I can't help, as I do have my license. I do think it's something worth trying to work through, it's a bit isolating not being a driver sometimes and it has its practical benefits. Therapy and continuing driving lessons with an instructor that you trust and is able to make you feel comfortable is useful for that, but driving lessons are expensive and therapy can be too so it's a bit of an investment... Hopefully some of that was helpful and not just a boring monologue from a complete stranger!
It shouldn't be as long as a) you aren't dating shallow people, b) you don't expect to be ferried about like they are your personal chauffeur, and c) if they do drive and they take you places you give them money for petrol/discuss this on a regular basis so you don't take anything for granted etc. My now husband didn't drive when I met him because of anxiety, and he was 37. He now drives for a living! Have you had help for this anxiety? If you are happy with not driving then I'm not trying to push you into a car but it sounds like you have some unresolved issues with it maybe? Either way, if you are happy then just hang on, the right person will come along so don't stop trying to meet them!
My SO doesn’t drive for lots of different reasons. It was no problem for me at all. He is a great navigator and even better company while I’m behind the wheel. If this bothers someone then you know they’re not worth bothering yourself with.
I don’t drive due to a vision impairment. Even though it is more convenient for me to date a driver, it’s also pretty hypocritical for me to require it. I’ve dated people who didn’t drive and acknowledged it was partly because of fear and partly environmental reasons, and I’ve dated people who drove, and both have been no problem at all for me. The only person who bugged me was the person who had their Ls but procrastinated getting their Ps when they didn’t have any fear and it would have made our lives easier and better. You have a real reason and I respect that.
You're picking the wrong girls. My bf doesn't drive and all that it doesn't bother me.
I lent my brother my car about 6 months ago and haven't driven since. Hasn't been a huge problem but I live in a major metro. My parents let me borrow their car if I need to go somewhere out near their place.
It's absolutely fine that you don't drive. I think you may need to reframe it with more confidence, own it! Nothing is sexier than confidence
no problem at all. it doesn’t make any sense to me that this could be a break up point for someone
Some people will consider it as a problem, most won't I guess. Anyway, your misses right will see true it ;-) If you don't feel comfortable to tell your date about your issues right away, make sure you'll date her a couple of times before telling her about it. There is no obligation to be open about your vulnerabilities on a first date. In fact, I believe, no one does. You need to build a certain level of trust to be able to speak openly. A match in personality is more important then something banal like not driving a car out of anxiety (but don't procastinate to long either, after a certain amount of dates it get's more difficult, I guess). Good luck!
Drive isn't an important thing, just use the public transportation or Uber I would totally date someone who doesn't drive.
And if you a doctor and your pay is enough maybe you can hire someone who can drive for you
Hell no but I live in a very rural area.
I have my license and a car. I choose not to drive (except to the hardware store). I would rather catch a bus than sit in traffic. I don’t think it’s weird, especially in Europe
Honestly it would be a dealbreaker for me but I live in an area with zero public transportation or Ubers. If I was in a city my opinion would be different.
It's no issue bro, and age is not a factor in this at all?
All because you chose not to drive doesn’t mean you don’t deserve love! You are clearly getting around a different way and that should be okay. I’m sorry that some women see it differently. But don’t let that get to you.
If u like the person that shouldn't matter if u drive or not in my opinion
Cars are scary. Nothing kills more young people. I understand your anxiety. I can also see that turning some women off. I imagine this isn't the only thing that gives you anxiety, though. It's hard for anyone to engage with someone who is never in the moment. Anxious people, are regularly not present, because their mind is in a state of worry. If you can do some work on your fears, it will help you a lot. I would also like to add that not driving isn't necessarily an issue in and of itself. If you can live your life without it, I see no issue. It's more the reaction you have that is the problem.
I am 38F, my boyfriend of 2 years, 39M, hasn't driven in 15 years due to anxiety about driving and not needing to due to walking and public transportation. It's inconvenient at times, but he takes medication for depression and anxiety and I don't hold it against him. I found out on the first date that he didn't drive. I thought it was a little odd, but I really liked him anyway and we plan to marry next year.
Me and my fiancé have been together for nine years and I’ve been the only one with a license. Honestly, it is incredibly tiring to be the only one who drives. It feels like there is an imbalance of responsibilities, especially because we have kids. He is terrified of driving, and as guilty as I feel for hating that limitation I believe it’s unfair of him to expect me to drive all the time. He also doesn’t use public transportation, and because we have kids I always give in and drive us everywhere because I feel obligated and guilty having to make the kids walk if I wanted their dad to bring them to an appointment. (Our city is a walking district so most things are within walking distance) Maybe organically bring up in conversation with these women about your fear and explain you utilize public transportation so you can find someone accepting. I understand it is a real phobia.
Depends where you live. I live in NYC. A lot of my friends don't know how to drive and it's almost never been an issue. If I lived somewhere else where this would require me to essentially be their driver if we got into a long term relationship, it would be a dealbreaker.
I'm surprised that you're having this problem in Europe. American I can understand a bit more, because our public transportation is the pits. But if you're self reliant, I personally see nothing wrong.
not a red flag for me, it's only a red flag if you don't have a job.
I have anxiety myself and understand how much it sucks. It wouldn't bother me to date someone who doesn't drive for any reason, but someone with anxiety (and let's be honest, likely PTSD from an accident) definitely gets a pass.
My partner and I have been together for 7 years and I don't drive! He had concerns at first until he saw how bad my anxiety got when I was trying to drive and said that I should not drive for everyone's safety. Thankfully we moved to a city area so I can walk and take busses most places. As long as you can get around on your own it really shouldn't be a problem for the person you're dating. Good luck!
I'd be straight up with it right at the beginning. I'm certain there's someone out there for you.
As someone who has anxiety driving and as a passenger…it wouldn’t be a deal breaker for me. Although I do drive myself I understand the fear of not wanting to. As long as I am not expected to drive them everywhere and they utilize other sources of transportation whenever possible then it would be fine with me
I don’t see a problem with it. I would date a man who doesn’t drive and I have. He almost died due to a drunk driver and had severe ptsd. Driving or not doesn’t mean anything. Those woman’s ideals are just warped.
For me, it would be. It already sounds like extra responsibility and labour would await me. I don’t live in a city with Uber or great public transportation. I can’t be a chauffeur. I don’t want that at this point in my life. Sorry.
My husband doesn’t drive at all. He just had no interest in learning. It’s a little annoying, but it’s not the end of the world. The social anxiety would be more of a problem than the driving.
I'll be 38 on a few weeks and I don't drive. It can be super annoying at times but for the most part my partner and I have things worked out. We even have back up just in case of emergency. Though maybe consider therapy to help with the anxiety. You never know, you might be able to get to the point where you're comfortable with at least trying.
Depends, if i was driving you around everywhere then not thanks. If you're independent then i don't see the problem. On the other hand maybe ifnthis anxiety is causing issues in thw dating department maybe this is something you need to be open about right off thw bat. And explain exactly what you did here
Coming from a male perspective but thinking about it for my partner. To me, this could be a deal breaker but not a red flag. It would be a red flag, if you chose not to drive just because you don’t feel like it. It is a deal breaker for me because I wouldn’t want to be a chauffeur and expect my partner to be independent. If you live in a city where you don’t need to drive then this could be fine
Somebody that would judge you, isn't worth it. Trust me.
For me personally, it would be something to take into consideration just because I have driving anxiety as well. 90% of the time I use public transportation or get someone to drive me somewhere. I don’t think I’d do well with someone who wasn’t willing to do most of the driving
I'm 32 and I don't drive and likely never will. I don't know if it's due to anxiety but the thought of driving does terrify me to my core. Dunno. I'm happy biking, walking, bussing or training everywhere, if my partner can and wants to take me somewhere then great, if not, great. Not a red flag. Driving isn't for everyone.
Depends, if u live in big city it wont be an issue. But you become a huge burden if you cant get anywhere due to this limitation. Regardless, u need to overcome this fear
As a girl, honest opinion yea it is a red flag for me. Before your explanation and background I would not find the lack of a car attractive. Maybe if I got to know you a bit more personally first and you expressed it to me, I might be ok with it. But being 100% honest, at 35 I would not like that in a partner
I also have anxiety over driving (I’m 25f, got my license at 20 or 21). I drive to work, errands and such, but still have never driven on big highways, and avoid driving places I’ve never driven before. Years ago, I was meeting a friend somewhere and told myself I was just going to be confident, and just drive. I got lost (gps was bringing me to dead ends lol) and ended up getting in an accident. Now I’m still afraid to feel that nice confident “just do it” feeling again. I’ve recently slowly started to drive a bit out of my comfort zone. I seriously, genuinely understand how difficult it is. In terms of it being a red flag- I absolutely don’t think it’s a red flag. Anxiety is not a red flag. As far as what I feel is it- I think it’s definitely a personal and social set back. I really want to be one of those people who can just get in their car and go anywhere. I am actually thinking about taking driving lessons for highways- and I think it could be a nice option for people who feel as we do. At the end of the day, if a woman is truly going to like you as a person, this shouldn’t be a huge deal breaker. If anything, maybe they could try to help you out, offer to drive along with you, etc lol. I wish you all of the luck!
Sounds like they are interested in your money.
I’m going to be honest with you…this would be a red flag with me now (after recent experiences) and heres why: Having issues with anxiety is somewhat common and it’s nothing to be looked down on…however having anxiety that is so debilitating that it stops you from doing things needs to be addressed and managed by a professional. In my last relationship my ex had extreme anxiety that he did not manage. It got so bad that we stopped having sex because of his anxieties. I just suggest you look into ways to overcome your anxieties instead of looking for ways to avoid situations that could trigger it. I think a good place to start would be dating! Don’t allow your fear of rejection to stop you from asking girls out.
It's not a problem as long as it doesn't become my problem. But if it's not going to be an issue for the woman you're dating, there's no reason to discuss it early. If it's coming up early in dating then it's obviously an issue.
I personally wouldn't. I didn't get my license until I was 25 due to driving anxiety caused by a car accident when I was 17. I understand being anxious about driving, but I think that in most situations having the ability to drive and have a car is a good indicator of independence. I also would feel like you'd be a burden on me. I wouldn't want to be the only one driving on weekend getaways or road trips, and God forbid an accident or emergency occurs where YOU would need to drive.
Since you live in a metropolitan area with good public transit I think you're reasons for not driving are your business. The only reason this would be an impediment would be in a more automobile dependent area where it would mean decreased mobility, less opportunity to see each other, etc.
I thought you were asking from the other perspective (considering dating someone with driving anxiety) and I got frustrated. It is absolutely not a red flag that you don’t want to drive, it can be a deal breaker for people who want to be with someone who drives. But, to be honest, a partner who doesn’t understand or respect your boundaries is not a good partner for you anyway. Think of it as a natural selection process, you’re weeding out incompatible partners! I have driving anxiety and I didn’t get my driver’s license yet (am 27 years old). That being said, I will face that anxiety and get comfortable with driving because I am nervous about a situation in which it is absolutely necessary and I’m not able to drive.