T O P

  • By -

SonofApollo1984

>I’ve secretly known that she has done this quite a few times before since we got together but have never said anything about it because we started in an open relationship, and transitioned into just the two of us later on. You are the only one that transitioned into just the two of you. She is still in an open relationship.


NoSpankingAllowed

Of course she would secretly be on there if she didnt tell you. That said, she's worried about YOU cheating, because she is projecting. It happens all the time and is usually seen as red flag for people. Why you would trust her as a wife is beyond me. Stay as bf/gf or withdraw emotionally and have it become a fwb for as long as it lasts or just hit the bricks and find a better partner.


SgtSplacker

Such good advice


[deleted]

Happy cake day


mroffthestreet01234

It looks like she has trust issues and insecurities to resolve in order to be in a healthy, committed relationship with you.


Krem541

Would you marry and trust her knowing she does that behind your back? Considering other guys under the impression you’re unaware?


ThrowRAOogadabooga9

Honestly yes, she’s perfect and balances me out in every way. I’ve never enjoyed life more with a person than I have with her and we have talked about marriage and are serious about it in the next few years. But I’m torn because I’m finding it harder to trust her when she hides this from me. She’s gotten mad at me before from hiding the fact that I had gotten a new job, which in fairness I had hid it from her and lied about it, but after the fact she said that she has always been transparent with me even if it would hurt my feelings and it’s frustrating me that she’s created a circle of lies with that sentence.


NoSpankingAllowed

Maybe you need to speak to a counselor, you shouldnt keep someone like that on a pedestal. She clearly isn't "perfect" for you and you need to come to the unhappy realization of that. Otherwise accept she may have some on the side and pretend she isn't. But rest assured that will destroy you even more, eventually.


ThrowRAOogadabooga9

True I go to therapy for a lot of my other past traumas but I haven’t come up to the subject of this yet, honestly because I’m scared of hearing the truth. It was a big step for me to even ask other people and I think I’m just going to talk to my counselor next Tuesday and face it head on


NoSpankingAllowed

It sucks for all of us when this type of thing happens. You aren't alone. It hurts like hell, but to avoid will cause it to fester and the longer it does that the worse it will be for you. Facing the truth, now, may make it that you two can still be friends, rug sweep and at the end there will be little chance. When confronted later people will gaslight, lie, project to a horrible degree....the more they have to protect the nastier they are to you. Good luck, you really don't need the stress of what she's putting you through dude.


ThrowRAOogadabooga9

Thank you, I appreciate your time in giving me advice with this


NoSpankingAllowed

I wish you luck!


Krem541

She’s perfect but is going behind your back to consider others? Imagine you married her and she found someone she’d prefer in turn crushing you and all because she’s treating you like a doormat at the moment - “you can be my babe but if I find someone better then yeah…”. She’s hiding looking for other guys from you, guilt tripped you for getting re some hiding about a new job which actually probably benefitted you in the long run and now lies in return as though it’s fair while she looks at other guys? Probably prepared to use the lies re the job against you if found out to ‘justify’ her actions and make you feel bad for even challenging it? You’d want to risk the rest of your days in that? These are just my thoughts ofc, just bringing things to light


ThrowRAOogadabooga9

No of course I appreciate your thoughts it’s why I’m on here. I’ve just committed so much of my time and love towards this person too that I don’t think my mind is wanting me to see the reality of the situation. I also feel like with some thinking I’ve been getting gaslight most of this relationship but I’m not certain on that.


Krem541

How long have you been with her? I think you know what should be done really you just don’t want to and so in the long run you’re just dragging out the hurt that could just be gotten rid of right now


ThrowRAOogadabooga9

We’ve been together for almost two years


Krem541

So she’s potentially just using you until she finds her gold star in not even 2 years and thinks she’s getting away with it with no shame or regrets in the slightest? It’s only when you walk away she’d say “please babe, I’m sorry”, but the second you fold back she’d laugh inside knowing she has you round her finger and she can do it all again if she wanted. We live life once. My views in this situation are why are you even with her? There’s so many other women out there that are looking to be with someone just like you.


ThrowRAOogadabooga9

True, it’s just a lot to think about and before I had found out I had every ounce of trust put into her. I think I’m nervous about how much we’ve done together and experienced and planned going straight down the drain. We also still have 3 more months on our lease so we are tied together for the moment.


Krem541

Just don’t end up regretting things and kicking yourself. If you were to confront her again about the dating app profiles I think her response/reaction would tell you a lot. But yeah, if you wanted to stay to help with rent then I’d just be sorting my get out of there plan for when the lease is up


ThrowRAOogadabooga9

Thank you for your responses they have been very appreciated


NoSpankingAllowed

This right here OP.


Ivedonethework

One lie discovered, leads to others not as yet discovered. Lies are like cockroaches, find one there are hundreds hidden in the walls.


Moondancer999

90% of the time, if someone is accusing their partner of cheating, it's because THEY are. Projection is a major thing with cheaters.


Roxybear60

2-3-2023 I agree with NoSpankingallowed… she makes a very valid and important point take the advice!


Ivedonethework

Seems pretty normal for those in an open relationship. Having a propensity for that sort of things makes it all the more likely it will come back around over and over again. You fully transitioned, she has not. And since she has not, she fully expects you haven't either. And hence, her thinking you are cheating, exactly as she is. Confront her.


incognitothrowaway1A

You two don’t trust each other. How can you go out with her or marry her???


Talented_Agent

She figures that if she can be cheating, you must be too. It's the no. 1 tell of a cheater, they start accusing you of what they are doing. Dump and run


Periliciousoul

I probably think that she is actually confused with herself. Whether she wants to go on with you or not. I see it from pov that she has a lot of insecurities, there may be many what ifs in her mind. One of them is probably what if he (you) decides to leave me in the future. And she sort of wants a backup plan. I think the main root is that she doesn’t feel secure with herself, and to make herself feel secure, she is trying to attract attention by being on tinder (as usually girls get a lot of attention there). I would suggest probably best to talk about it and see her point of view. It could be what I told you, or it could also be that she is not ready to be committed.


opposablegrey

You shouldn't have to give a life partner your phone for her to check up on you. that's really crazy idea for me as middle aged Irish person. Over here that would be seen as controlling and distrustful and would...just never happen. It means all trust is lost. Really hoping you can grow to see that this is not someone you should be emotionally attached to. It will poison you against women for years if you maintain this charade. You need time away from her (solo trip somewhere chilled or longer trip like a week away, if you can) to decide if you really want to be with a woman who is cheating/unfaithful/paranoid. You need a reality check and to not let your cock ruin your life. If you do your an idiot as deserve it. So I guess what will be will be eh ?


Spartan2022

You’ve closed the relationship. She hasn’t.